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CMYK

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T A S

Sunday, 12 - 18 August, 2018 I Issue 79 I Pages 04 I Sections 05 I Rs 30

Announcement of federal cabinet delayed again as talks between Bushra Maneka, matka remain inconclusive

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Bani Gala

her matka into telling her who should fill the cabinet, but we have not had any results as of yet” said Fawad chaudhry, speaking to The Dependent. “trust me she is working diligently. In fact, no one is allowed in the room where she is busy with the matka. But this is an inexact science, so we need to give her the time she needs for her to get the best answers” he went on to say. When asked, Fawad chaudhry

He pakistan tehreeke-Insaaf (ptI) central executive committee (cec) has said they are waiting on negotiations to end between Bushra Maneka and her Matka before they announce the names of people that will fill Imran Khan’s incoming cabinet. “the first lady designate has been hard at work trying to cajole

confirmed that the chairman Imran Khan had himself asked his wife to fish out names of cabinet members for him. The Dependent attempted to contact Mrs Khan at Bani Gala, but our phone calls were not received and the reporter that snuck in was met with lots of incense and odd chanting that has scarred him so deeply he has not said a word since, and can now be found in a corner of the newsroom in the foetal position. g

New KP CM not my robot, says Khattak while installing software update on Mehmood Khan

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Asad Umar vows to bring back politics, dollar rate of 90s

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xpected finance minister Asad Umar vowed on tuesday not to let the rupee slide any further and, in fact, to bring it back to the rate of 50-to-a-dollar that it had in the late 90s. He also said that he would bring back the politics of the decade as well, speaking at a press conference at Bani Gala. “We had 37,38-to-a-dollar for a very long period of time, but then, the pKR gave way to one hell of a slide, stopping at 50, then 60 for a long period of time, hovering over the 80s, then a 100,

and now the upward-flexible 130 of today,” he said. “that has to stop.” “Also, we had an elegant system, where opposition parties, usually the ones centre-right, used to cosy up to the establishment to bring them into power and it was so graceful that it was almost expected,” he said. “We vow to bring back those simpler, predictable times.” “Our business community and, indeed, our political class needs to get out of the uncertainty of the unregulated market and go back to the strong regulations that we had in the past.” g

Peshawar

He new chief minister of Khyber pakhtunkhwa was not a robot of his, said former Kp cM pervez Khattak at his residence, while installing the latest software update on him. Speaking to reporters at a press conference, he said that the impression that Mehmood Khan is completely unfounded, while clearing up disk space for the latest update. “Opposition parties usually do things like these, when they….oops, hold on,” he said, while plugging in the former sports minister into a newby socket as the update required for him to either be plugged in or have more than 50% of charge.

“He will be a completely independent chief executive of the province,” said Khattak. “the impression that he will do my bidding is completely off the mark.” “Mehmood Khan, why don’t you tell these reporters that you will be completely independent?” “Hello world,” said the incoming cM. “No, no, not that,” said Khattak. “Say what I asked you to say.”

Al-Saud family struggling to deal with diplomatic crises with Crown Prince Nawaz in Pakistani jail

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riYaDh

UleRS of Saudi Arabia are struggling to deal with multipronged crises (see pages 3 and 4) as the kingdom’s diplomatic mastermind prince Nawaz bin Al-Sharif is imprisoned in a pakistani jail, reliable sources within the Saudi government have informed The Dependent. Al-Saudi family, which has traditionally relied on the diplomatic nous of Nawaz –

who many believe is the de facto crown prince with Muhammad bin Salman as the front – has been struggling to find answers to the many questions that regional geopolitics has posed the kingdom. “It is no coincidence that within a month of prince Nawaz’s imprisonment such a huge international crisis has surfaced,” a well-placed source within al-Saud family told The Dependent. crown prince Nawaz is renowned for his ability to

mend ties between historically antagonistic nations, with analysts underlining his ability to rattle the status quo. critics argue that it is his fearless brand of diplomacy that has landed Nawaz in the pakistani jail. “Nawaz has this unique skill of maintaining reconciliation between states, and shaking up the version of status quo that he intends to shake up,” a renowned Saudi political analyst said in an email exchange with The Dependent.

“What makes him irreplaceable for Riyadh is that he does so while maintaining an unflinching loyalty towards monarchy as the only brand of government that can function in his country,” he added. “the diplomatic genius that Nawaz is, where need be he reinterprets it as democracy. Similar is his dealing with human rights, which of course is what al-Saud family is at loggerheads with.” g

“error 404,” said Mehmood Khan. After a hard reset, Mehmood Khan finally spoke to reporters. “Mehmood Khan is going to be a completely independent chief minister,” he said. “He was born on 30 October 1972 in Matta, Swat. He will be the 17th chief minister of the province (not counting interims) and the 21st (counting pre-partition cMs but not interims) [Wikipedia]” g

E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour. The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.


CMYK

02 OPINION&EDITORIAL

Sunday, 12 - 18 August, 2018

OPINION

Together with my uncles, I’ve fulfilled the dreams of my grandpa E D I TO R I A L

Overcoming economic challenges

The Dependent’s official guide to resolving Pakistan’s financial crisis

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IrST of all, we at The Dependent would like to appreciate the IMF for setting the Kiki challenge (See Pg 1) as one of the conditions for the bailout package. We, however, regret that this act of self-reflection, where the upcoming PTI government would have to step out of the driving seat and look at how it appears from the outside, is only limited to the financial ministry. This is because even though our correspondents would be there when the Finance Minister in waiting Asad Umar performs the challenge in front of what is expected to be a mammoth crowd – our sources reveal that ticket collections on their own would address a significant chunk of the country’s budget deficit – we at The Dependent do not believe that this is the right solution for Pakistan’s financial crisis. Our economic think-tank runs the entire gamut of financial experts from staff members who spend half the work hours calculating the difference between their income and that of extended family members who made better career decisions, to delivery boys who have mastered the algorithms for the perfect amount they can add to the staff’s food total which is neither too much to generate suspicion nor too less to render the morality corrupt practice not being worth the burden on the conscience. And together we have reached the consensus that Pakistan should not take any orders from the world, even when they are as entertaining and as revenue generating as IMF’s latest condition for the bailout. Unless of course Pakistan really has to take the orders. We believe that Pakistan can overcome the current account deficit of $18 billion, budget deficit of rs2 trillion and circular debt worth rs1trillion, through honesty, accountability and upholding our sovereignty. Unless of course honesty, accountability and sovereignty collectively don’t raise cash worth whatever the sum of $18 billion and rs3 trillion is. g

Z U B A A N - E - K H A LQ

“Wow! The Fawad Khan of talk show hosts has just joined the Gourmet Bakers of television channels. ” – Farhan Amjad, accountant

By Billie Bhooto

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ODAy, I am happy to write and announce that I have fulfilled the ideology of my grandpa, after four long decades – a goal even my grandfather and my mother were not able to achieve. I have done it under the watchful eye of my father, who actually gave shape to the posthumous dreams of my mother and grandfather. Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure to confirm – through this prestigious newspaper no less – that I have

ended Ziaism. yes, that autocratic menace is ending today and democracy has won. Under my leadership, my party has achieved what it was made for. It had been working, all those years, to end the impact of dictatorship on our politics. I am happy to announce that we are doing so, alongside the League, the emblem of resilience against dictatorship – especially its supremo, what a revolutionary he is. The League and NS are symbols of fight against military rulers. He has been as such right from the start of his political

career, just like my grandfather. Both great leaders started their struggle right from the hub of military regimes, to destroy it from the inside. The struggle of both parties has reached its epitome, which is precisely why we are together. This should have happened years ago, but it was written in my destiny to oversee this historic moment, to form an alliance with our natural allies. We can lament the years we lost, but despite this, deep down, both parties knew that they are one entity and today, we have done it. A major aspect of this natural alliance is the legend that is Maulana Fazlu. The Maulana has played a major role in bringing us together, and I laud his efforts for this. Now when I look at the League, the Martial Arts and my own party, I come to know that the three of us have so much in common: the policies, the ideologies and style of politics. Meaningless ideologies, and pointless terms like Left and right had separated us thus far. It is because of these nonsensical ideas and positions that Pakistan has faced a lot of loss – most of all time, and some lives too in my family. But now the hard times are over and for the sake of our country, we have come together. I don’t know how to thank the Almighty and express my gratitude. The most significant part of this natural alliance is that I will cast my very first vote in the Assembly to my dear uncle SS: the only hope for Pakistan. yes, it is right that we had some misunderstandings during the 1990s, and my uncles had unfairly targeted my mom, but those were minor. If truth be told they were mere misunderstandings on both sides. Now that those have been resolved, I cannot wait to vote in the Assembly. I will hopefully see my dear uncle winning. g

Gourmet bakers and sweets have launched their own television channel by the name of ‘GNN’ and have attracted to their ranks some of the biggest names in Pakistani journalism. What do you think?

“These guys shouldn’t be fooled by those huge pay packages because they’re all going to be paid in leftover chicken patties.” – Shams Siddiqui, businessman

“Oh man. I bet this is putting a lot of pressure on poor Shezan to keep up.” – Farhan Ali, student

“Damn it. With this occupying their attention, who will make sure that their mithai maintains its barely edible standard?” – Majid Rizvi, writer

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.


CMYK

NATIONAL 03

Sunday, 12 - 18 August, 2018

Missed multiparty protest because my tyre got punctured in Model Town: Shehbaz Sharif

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LAHORE

AKISTAN Muslim leagueNawaz (PMl-N) President Shehbaz Sharif on Thursday explained that his absence from the multiparty alliance’s protest against alleged poll rigging a day earlier was due to the tyre of his car being punctured in lahore’s Model Town area and nothing else. Shehbaz was the most

notable absentee when an array of political leaders, united under the newly formed ‘Pakistan Alliance for Free and Fair Elections’, held a protest demonstration outside the Election Commission of Pakistan in Islamabad on Wednesday against alleged rigging in the July 25 general elections. He explained today that his absence should not be misconstrued and reiterated that his party stands with the 11-party

grand alliance on the issue. “All the opposition parties held a comprehensive but peaceful protest yesterday,” Shehbaz said during a media talk following his visit to Adiala Jail. “I couldn’t be there because my tyre got punctured in Model Town. No matter what people say, this is the truth.” later, speaking exclusively to The Dependent Sharif said that he was just leaving home

from Model Town when the tyre punctured right outside their gate. “This would not have been a problem if someone hadn’t been negligent about checking when the tyres were due for a rotation” he said without naming anyone in particular, but quite clearly giving his son Hamza the stink eye. “This someone didn’t even remember to get the stepney repaired” he ended in a huff. g

IMF sets Kiki challenge as bailout condition for Asad Umar

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ISLAMABAD

ll set to sit at the driving seat of the Pakistani economy under severe duress, Finance Minister in waiting Asad Umar will perform the most pertinent act of the Kiki challenge on war-footing, The Dependent has learnt. His statement comes after the International Monetary Fund (IMF) set the Kiki challenge as one of the conditions for Pakistan’s 13th bailout package. With a current account deficit of $18 billion, budget deficit crossing Rs2 trillion and the government owing another trillion rupees in circular debt, the IMF has informed Pakistan that doing

the Kiki challenge will give everyone perspective. “It is only when you leave the seat and move out of the car that you can take a proper look at the vehicle and what it looks like from the outside,” an IMF official told The Dependent. Talking exclusively to The Dependent, Asad Umar said that unlike his predecessors he would prioritise all his tasks. “The Pakistani rupee has over 20 per cent since December, owing to a balance of payment crisis. The stock market hit this year’s lowest in last month. What Pakistan’s economy needs right now is an honest and dedicated performance of the Kiki challenge,” he said. “Of course, doing so while dancing to Drake’s

In My Feelings gives you the positive energy when none can be found from the disaster bound four-wheeler that is slipping downhill,” the official said. The Finance Minister in waiting added that the lyrics of In My Feelings will convey the right message for the Pakistani economy as well. “Kiki, do you love me? Are you riding? Say you’ll never ever leave from beside me,” he sang while doing a demo exclusively for this scribe. “But these are my favourite lines from the song: look, the new me is really still the real me. I swear you gotta feel me before they try and kill me,” he added. “And of course, needless to say that the acronym for In My Feelings is IMF.” g

Pakistan stands with Saudi Arabia in ongoing clash with human rights

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ISLAMABAD

AKISTAN has expressed its solidarity with Saudi Arabia in the ongoing row between the kingdom and basic human rights. During the weekly briefing on Thursday, Foreign Office spokesperson Mohammad Faisal told reporters that Islamabad was following with “immense concern” the crisis between the two. He added that Pakistan has shown its solidarity with Riyadh in this regard. While the clash with human rights has existed for over 14 centuries, it recently resurfaced after women rights in the kingdom were brought into the spotlight. The move sparked prompt action from Riyadh, which suspended engagement and expelled another batch of human rights from the KSA. “Pakistan always supports the sovereignty of states and the principle of non-interference in the

internal affairs of other states,” the FO spokesperson stressed. “The only time we show flexibility is if interference is within our own borders, and sovereignty can be cashed in for a decent price.” “Both these aspects are enshrined in the UN Charter – just like the human rights, which have been increasingly breaching international law by penetrating various countries that do not welcome them, in turn damaging the foundation of peace in those states,” he added. “We fully agree with the statement of the Organisation of Islamic Cooperation secretary general that Saudi Arabia enjoys immense respect especially among countries that have a similar standoff with human rights – which has a growing western lobby,” Faisal said. “Islamabad stand by the kingdom in protecting its sovereignty not only as a matter of principle but also based on the transcript that was handed out to us,” he added. g

Internet Explorer 6.66 times faster than RTS, top secret study reveals

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UNDISCLOSED LOCATION

top secret study carried out amidst all the risks to life that one can and can’t imagine has revealed that Internet Explorer is at least 6.66 (rounded off to the nearest decimal) times fast than the RTS used by the Election Commission of Pakistan in last month’s elections. The study conducted in the basement of a leading research institute shocked

those carrying it out, some of whom are among the sharpest – albeit anonymous – minds that this country has, The Dependent can confirm. “We were confident that we’d hit the 10 mark, but I guess we were really underestimating the RTS,” one of the senior researchers told The Dependent, desiring strict anonymity. While the final compiled study is still safe with the researches, the results have been leaked and reached the upper echelons of the state’s judiciary.

A senior judge, who is getting a lot of media attention these days, in his usual tone of annoyance Tuesday thundered at the electoral commission in a meeting over the alleged failure of the transmission system on Election Day. The system developed by the National Database and Registration Authority (NADRA) was planned to be tested before the ECP decided to use it without prior tests on July 25. The judge said the commission spent millions of

rupees on a technology seemingly alien to the staff assigned to compile polling results. He added an alternative should have been developed to act as a backup. “Even Internet Explorer which takes more time than The Undertaker’s entrance is better that this technology!” the judge shouted at the top of his lungs. Sources have confirmed, that Chief Justice of Pakistan Justice Saqib Nisar will take suo motu notice against the above mentioned judge for copyrights infringement, and refusal to

abide by recent guidelines. g

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.


CMYK

04 FOREIGN

Saudis apologise for Photoshop inaccuracies in 9/11 threat to Canada

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RIYADH/OTTAWA group in Saudi Arabia apologised and deleted a Twitter post showing an image of an Air

Canada passenger plane veering towards Toronto’s tallest skyscraper with a warning against meddling in others’ affairs for the ‘Photoshop inaccuracies’ in the intended message.

Sunday, 12 - 18 August, 2018

Infographic KSA, described on its website as a volunteer group of Saudi youth interested in technology, published the image of the airliner with the warning: “he who interferes with what doesn’t concern him finds what doesn’t please him.” After confirming that the image was supposed to be a threat that reminisced scenes during the September 11, 2001, attacks on the United States, when 19 hijackers – 15 of whom were Saudi nationals – flew airliners into the World Trade Center’s twin towers and the Pentagon, the group confessed that it had messed up the picture. “It was supposed to be a blatant threat that said that if you mess with us, we’ll pull off a 9/11 on you. Unfortunately we messed it up,” a senior member of the group said. “not only is there an insufficient number of planes in the image, the angle with which it is approaching the skyscraper is all wrong as well. And yes, in hindsight we could’ve drawn it closer to the building for there to be no doubt in the intended message.” The group later apologised for the “inaccurate” post and said it regretted that the image was unfortunately misinterpreted as symbolising the return of Canada’s Ambassador Dennis horak. The group has vowed to put up a more accurate and more grotesque image of the intended threat to Canada very soon. g

RAW scientists develop 7th Generation Warfare inside lab, reports Defenders of Pak

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n a startling turn of events, scientists working for the Indian spy agency RAW have developed what is being called ‘7th generation warfare,’ reported local media outlet, Defenders of Pak. The new investigative report suggests that the project was commissioned by the Indian government in a bid to try and bamboozle the Pakistan Army. “Basically, what they have done is completely skip 6th generation warfare in order to get the element of surprise” explained defence analyst Zaid hamid to the defence.pk team. “Pakistan was prepared for 6th generation warfare. Considering we are currently under attack from the 5th generation kind, we had put together counter measures for when the 6th generation eventually kicked in.” “however now they have decided to forgo that and attack us with 7th generation warfare, for which we did not prepare. We’ve been straight up Windows

10’d!” he went on to add. Sources have also said that this new development has the United States scrambling, which had been planning a space force to combat 6th generation warfare but has been caught off guard by India’s leap frog jump straight to 7th generation warfare. “The basic premise of 7th generation warfare is very interesting. It is surprise based. To catch us off guard, they will attack us with mood swings and passive aggressive text messages” hamid explained in a series of tweets. “The time for direct warfare is over. So is the time for political and ideological warfare. now we’re going to face our worst nightmare: demands for commitment” he ended. Meanwhile, inside information available with The Dependent can confirm that the Indian scientists behind the project are already working on another generation of warfare, but might just choose to jump straight to 9. g

SPORTS 05

Sunday, 12 - 18 August, 2018

Ahmad Shahzad wins ‘looking dope’ award at PCB Awards 2018 BCCI hits out at Asia Cup organisers after finding out they’ve scheduled a match with Pakistan

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MUMBAI/DUBAI

he Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) has severely criticised the organisers of next month’s Asia Cup, after finding that that an encounter between Pakistan and India has been scheduled. The 14th edition of Asia Cup, which was scheduled to see an India-Pakistan clash on September 19, now is under jeopardy after the BCCI said it doesn’t like the composition of the tournament. While speaking to The Dependent, a senior BCCI official said, “The scheduling is mindless. There appears to be zero application of mind.”

“how can you accept a scenario where India plays a game against Pakistan in the Asia Cup!” the official said. “This is unacceptable and has to be revisited. Maybe for the organisers it is just a money-spinning game but for us it is important that we play the right countries.” Speaking to The Dependent former Indian cricketer Virender Sehwag also criticised the organisers. “It is wrong to have scheduled the matches for India in such a manner,” he said. “There are so many other countries in Asia. Of all the countries why does India have to Pakistan?” g

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LAHORE

AKISTAn Cricket Board (PCB) has honoured opening batsman Ahmad Shahzad for merely showing up at the annual award ceremony and “looking dope as usual”. The board staged a glittering ceremony in collaboration at a local hotel where the awards were presented to the players and officials in the presence of the sports personalities, former and present cricketers, media persons and senior PCB officials. Soon after Fakhar Zaman was presented a special award for his outstanding batting performance, the host announced the most special title of the day. “And… the looking ‘dope’ award goes to… none other than… Ahmad Shahzad,” said the host after which claps and

cheers echoed across the hall. In his acceptance speech, Shahzad got very emotional and a touch dramatic. he said, “itni shiddat se maine tumhe paane ki koshish ki hai [I have tried so hard to win you], keh kainat ke har zarre ne mujhe tumse milane ki saazish ki hai [that every particle in this universe has tried to conspire with me to have you].” After mentioning several other dialogues from

his favourite Bollywood movies, he added, “The thing is, I prefer being ‘doped up’ for every occasion.” The 26-year-old cricketer credited his mentors Mohammad Asif and Imran nazir who have always stood by him “with a stash of encouragement”. Overwhelmed Shahzad said he “was stoned” at the honour and wanted to thank the PCB for the love. g

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

TD Issue 79  
TD Issue 79  
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