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Sunday, 15 - 21 July, 2018 I Issue 75 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30

taliban have no direct role in elections, maintains spokesman khorasani UNDISCLOSED LOCATION


HE Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) has “no direct role” in nationwide elections due July 25, the group’s spokesman said Tuesday, after widespread allegations that it is plotting to manipulate the polls. Instead the Taliban will deploy thousands of militants in the lead-up to the polling day to help ensure the vote goes smoothly, TTP spokesman Muhammad Khorasani said. “The Tehreek-e-Taliban

Pakistan have no direct role,” he told a packed press conference at an undisclosed location, adding: “Let me make it clear, that we have no direct role.” He also said that certain political personalities are safer today due to the TTP. Khorasani further denied involvement in the political process of the Taliban, maintaining that the only process the group is involved in is strictly militant. Khorasani maintained that the group’s militants will only have a role to facilitate certain electables. The TTP spokesman said the group would remain

neutral among those electables and not in the case of others who are not those electables. “In case of any irregularity, our political wings would observe and point out to the militant wing, which take the corrective measures on their own,” Khorasani confirmed. Furthermore, the TTP spokesman confirmed that the group’s troops will be deployed to not only target the non-electables, but also for the provision of the secure environment to conduct the election in free, fair and transparent manner for the electables. g


CJP’s dam fund already achieves 0.00137785999 per cent of required amount


n an amazing turn of events that traditional media sources will not tell you about, the CJP’s damn fund has already achieved 0.00137685999 per cent of its target amount! The new bump in the total came after former cricketer Shahid Afridi set an example for others by contributing 1.5 million rupees to the $15 billion project. “All anyone will ever tell you about is how this is going to fail and how it makes no sense and that it’s probably a violation of some rule or the other. There’s so much negativity that everyone fails to mention the positives” said Shahid Afridi speaking to The Dependent after his act of charity.

“nobody is talking about the great strides we have made since the Chief Justice announced this and how we have managed to pin down a fraction of what it’s going to cost to make these dams” he said. “Tell me, has anything of the sort ever been done anywhere before? no of course not! So how can people just say it won’t work?” said a high-level member of the agriculture department on condition of anonymity. “As you can see it has already achieved 0.00137785999 per cent of its goal. The only place to go now is up” he added. “We will also contribute a few days of our salaries to this endeavour” he ended. g

Che Guevara t-shirt wearing Nawaz arrested at Lahore airport by oppressive bourgeoisie



oRMER Prime Minister of Pakistan nawaz Sharif donning his favourite Che Guevara T-shirt was arrested at the Allama Iqbal International Airport by the police force of the bourgeoisie late on Friday night. “Come comrade Maryam, our destiny awaits,” nawaz said addressing his daughter Maryam nawaz who joined him in being taken into custody by the oppressive forces of the state. His hands joined together atop his head, handcuffed, nawaz was rushed amidst proletariat hordes chanting their leaders’ name as the sole beacon of hope for class equality. The rushing of the revolutionary leader ran parallel to the hordes, who couldn’t catch a glimpse of their Marxist ideologue as he boarded a small private plane bound for Islamabad International Airport (IIA). In a message for the Punjabi Bolsheviks delivered through a WhatsApp group for the Pakistan Muslim League-nawaz (PML-n) cadre, nawaz vowed to continue his class struggle from Attock or Adiala Jail. “The establishment, the dictatorship of the bourgeoisie, will be defeated by the working class. We are the miansheviks and we will win,” nawaz’s message read. “The petit bourgeoisie too will be overpowered by the not-so-petite,” the WhatsApp message delivered to the miansheviks added. g

Rao Anwaar granted bail, given Jeep symbol in upcoming elections


Ao Anwaar, the embattled SSP Malir, Karachi, has been granted bail by the Anti-Terror Court during a hearing in the naqeebullah Mehsud murder case. In an absolutely unrelated incident, the Election Commission of Pakistan greenlit Rao Anwaar’s candidacy for member of the Sindh provincial assembly and also gave him the Jeep symbol.

“My being granted bail proves my innocence, more or less,” said Anwaar, speaking to reporters outside the court. “And being given the Jeep symbol proves my ‘innocence’, more or less.” “This is a great day for the country and proves there is justice for the common man,” he said. “And it also shows how the election process in the country is absolutely free, fair and absolutely clean.” g

E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour. The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.



Sunday, 15 - 21 July, 2018


I’m a melodious nightingale The former Prime Minister of Pakistan and the Quaid of Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz shares his innermost feelings in the heartfelt piece

E D I TO R I A L Calling all Dependent candidates

Only ten days to the elections!


hile the politically naïve are focusing on the major political parties and the independent candidates and how they might be the ones to form the government after the upcoming elections, we at The Dependent know very well who actually is going to take over the parliament. So without further ado, let’s all of us Dependent candidates get together, and finalise the plan of action for the last 10 days, before we finalise the rule over the country. Or, to not make everything about us – the rule on behalf of those we’re dependent on. Where we, The Dependent candidates writing this editorial, slightly differ from those writing pretty much everything else in the country, is the need for us Dependents to form a coalition government at the end of it all. i mean essentially we’re all Dependent, and hence all part of the same umbrella. Why go through the hassle of all of us taking separate routes to the Parliament, only to join hands there and form the government? But hey that’s just the opinion of this little lot of Dependent candidates, and others of course might differ. That’s the best bit about a Dependent candidates: the fact that you’re allowed to voice your separate opinions – as long as it’s from within the list of approved topics, as long as you do it in front of your own self, and as long as you don’t start feeling that anyone would listen to it or worse, believe that it would make a difference. All of this is negligible really when you compare it to the gift of life that has been given in allowance for compliance. We’re all really grateful for that. even if the coalition is going to be way for us, let’s still get together and you know hang out over (cold) coffee or something. For, honestly we don’t really know many of you, and it would be great to introduce ourselves to each other. We just know the proscribed or banned militant lot, the legal folks, those on the screen all the time and the ones who are not corrupt at all. it would be great to know the rest of you. g

Z U B A A N - E - K H A LQ

“This is why i only marry illiterate women.” – Shams Siddiqui, businessman


By Nawaz Sharif

n this hardest time of my life, my heart is bleeding. it is bleeding because it is hurt. it has been hurt bad by some ungrateful people, who did not recognise my services for my beloved motherland. They took revenge against me, even though i had done nothing to them. Allah will never forgive them. Today i want to scream at top of my lungs, to tell the world, how sad i feel. i am feeling like Meena Kumari from Pakeeza, and every breath of mine sings inhi logon ne lay liya ohda mera. i am heartbroken, sad and surrounded by melancholy, feeling like a leaf in autumn, a sad couplet of Ghalib, a sad raag

of Tan Sen, and a lone voice of a melodious nightingale, separated from her family. no one, i repeat no one, has faced atrocities like me. i have become the epitome of the hardships for the marginalised and oppressed people around the world. The masses have started to look towards me to understand the feeling of loneliness and despair. i have become a symbol of tragedy, loss and separation for poets. They are now penning lines after looking at my face, my expressions and listening to my words. i have become nawaz ‘Udas’ – or as people call me in london, nawaz Grief. i have been asked to write about my feelings by several national and international

media outlets but i chose the prestigious The Dependent. This is because i know these people will understand my true feelings as nobody understands these folks either. in that sense i’m just like them. We are two peas in a pod. The lone warriors against the odds challenging the status quo. Also, please note that i am writing all this without reading a parchi. My opponents have always accused me of being a parchi reader, therefore i asked irfan Siddique to send me an email, wherein i sought guidance to write my innermost, personal feelings. Back to the melodious sadness and tragedy. i just want to repeat the lyrics of Celine Deon, those days, my friend, I thought have completely end, but they are coming back… i remember the days when i was in Attock Fort jail, and one of my photos went viral. The pic actually became the trailblazer for #CandidPhotos in the fashion world. it was too good, too emotionally-rich. Also, it was an excellent click #noFilters. i remember when i was in london during my exile days, i received a call from Shahrukh Khan and he asked me the secret behind the portrayal of emotions in that picture. he told me that he had not been able to bring such seamless sensitivity to his face. “i am just in awe of those expressions sir, just tell me the secret and i will be your student forever,” these were his exact words. i tried to tell him the hardships behind that photo, tried to share the feelings one needs for that specific image but he could not understand it. Alas, no one can relate to that photo, and i will be the only one who will take this secret with me. g

PTI Chairman Imran Khan’s former wife Reham Khan finally published her much awaited autobiography in which she has made some scandalous claims about Imran, his life and his party. What do you think?

“PDF - Reham Khan - Reham Khan 365.” – Majid Rizvi, your uncle

“Some people just can’t stop talking about their exes. Reminds me a little of my ex wife. Oh boy wait till i tell you about her . . .” – Farhan Amjad, accountant

“The most difficult part is keeping both hands on the book while reading.” – Farhan Ali, student

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.



Sunday, 15 - 21 July, 2018

Crackdown on political workers wrong unless I order it: Shehbaz Sharif



ISMISSING allegations of having threatened local administration and police officials of Lahore following a widespread crackdown on Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PML-N) workers a day ahead of former PM Nawaz Sharif and his daughter Maryam Nawaz’s return to Lahore from London, former CM Punjab Shehbaz Sharif has said his statement ‘waqt hamesha ek jaisa naheen rehta’ was actually meant as a pun for his own party.

With reports of arrests of political workers of PML-N in Rawalpindi and Lahore making news across the country, a defiant Shehbaz Sharif lashed out against the authorities over the ‘massive, unjust and unconstitutional’ crackdown on political workers of his party in a press conference. “So, what if all of this had been done in the past under my very own government against the opposition parties in this same city?” “all I am saying is it’s wrong. It’s wrong unless I order it,” he said leaving the


reporters baffled. The former CM reiterated his stance over the crackdown saying he will hold those behind this accountable. “Waqt hamesha ek jaisa naheen rehta,” he said while warning administration and police officials. “You know what I am capable of. Just because I did not lend my rain boots to the interim CM during the flooding in the city he has turned vindictive against me, my party and my workers.” It was only after a reporter pointed out that a leader of the opposition party had used the same phrase – “waqt hamesha ek jaisa naheen rehta” – in response to the crackdown of PML-N workers in Lahore that the former CM clarified the statement. “array wohee tou main keh raha hoon!” “Waqt hamesha ek jaisa naheen rehta. Dekh lo haal!” The said leader of the opposition party also released a statement condemning Sharif’s ‘theft of my oh-so-amazing-andgenuine punch line’. “Kya matlab bhai? be creative. Chor na hon tou.” g


he Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf has laid out a comprehensive plan of putting a PTI government in power in the PTI manifesto. Speaking at the unveiling ceremony of the said manifesto, PTI Chairman Imran Khan said that the PTI will work hard to provide a PTI government in the country. “We provides the people of the people of KP with a PTI government for five full years. Now the time has also come for



N an official statement released on Thursday, the Pakistan People’s Party (PPP) has released an official statement asking Qatar based news channel al Jazeera to alter the party’s orientation in an article published on their website. “The online feature published by the al Jazeera on their website says that the Pakistan People’s Party is a ‘centre left’ party, which is not an accurate depiction of the PPP,” the statement read. “We would like to officially request the channel to edit the political orientation of the PPP from ‘centre left’ to ‘whatever’s left’, which the party maintains has been its inclination for over a decade now.” Following suit, a similar

request has also been forwarded by the Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI) in an official statement. “It is not correct to say that the Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf is ‘centre right’, the political orientation that we identify with is ‘always right’” the official statement read. The Pakistan Muslim LeagueNawaz (PML-N) also feels that its billing as a ‘centre right’ party isn’t accurate either. “We play as the centre forward,” a party leader said before filing the formal request. Similarly, the awami Workers Party (aWP) has requested a change from ‘left’ to ‘left out’. Meanwhile, the Muttahida Qaumi Movement feels that ‘centre’ is insufficient in describing the party’s ideology. “Centre of trouble would be more accurate,” a senior party leader maintained. g

Sunday, 15 - 21 July, 2018

Man with lion-suit “too far in” to leave PML-N now



Our Sher COrreSpOndent

PTI promises PTI government in PTI manifesto

PPP asks Al Jazeera to change party’s political orientation from centre left to whatever’s left

hehbaz ahmed butt, a resident of Mughalpura, Lahore, told reporters on Saturday that despite not being satisfied with the federal and provincial governments of the PML-N, he was “too far in” to leave the party now. “Well, I’ve been seen in the lion-suit many times in my neighbourhood now,” butt said. “and now, even if I don’t wear

the suit, the guys keep saying dekho dekho kaun aaya when I am seen, so I think is it really worth it, having that long conversation with all of them?” butt also urged reporters to consider the financial situation as well. “Do you know how much this thing costs? Lion-suits for grown-ups are surprisingly expensive,” said butt, who runs a successful PVC pipes shop. “What other uses are there for this thing? I suppose could rent it out but that’d be a hassle, specially cleaning it up afterwards.” but the foremost reason that

the father of three cites is the extent of his meeting with the party’s apparatus. “First, the Mughalpura chapter, then the party’s Lahore machinery, then, in one rally, I met Nawaz Sharif himself. I don’t want all that kee hoya Butt Saab?” “I just want to join the PTI, with no one asking me why.” butt’s situation is the exact opposite of his next-door neighbour Shahbaz bhatti’s, who has fought bitterly with too many elder family members to finally admit the PTI is “one big over-rated dance party.” g

the rest of the country” he said. “Currently there is a sum total of zero PTI government in the country, even in KP. If we are elected, we promise to turn these numbers around.” “If you, the voters, decide to put into power any party other than the PTI, you won’t have a PTI government,” he said. “Don’t take my word for it. Go and read the election manifestos of all the other main political parties. None of them – I repeat, none of them – promise a PTI government if they are elected.” g

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.



Sunday, 15 - 21 July, 2018

Pakistan’s most corrupt deserved to be hanged… out with, says Hamza Ali Abbasi


Reham Khan’s book early favourite for Pulitzer Prize in Political Erotica



he self-titled book of journalist Reham Khan has become the early favourite for the Pulitzer Prize in Political erotica, literature experts at the Columbia University say. With the award to be given out next year, analysts say that it would be hard for anyone to top Reham Khan’s excellence in this particular award. “There is excellence in journalism and literature beyond words in those pages,”

Stephanie McGregor, a senior professor in the Journalism department said while talking to The Dependent. “It’s hard to see any other work getting the Pulitzer for Political erotica especially since that category itself is being created just to honour Ms Khan’s magnum opus.” The Pulitzer committee confirmed that the category of Political erotica was especially created after the transcript of Reham Khan’s book was first released. “Not only does it cover a wide range of topics related to



N another harshly-worded swagger-laden statement Chief Justice of Pakistan Mian Saqib Nisar condemned Italian football giants Juventus for spending €100m ($117m) on purchasing Portuguese captain Cristiano Ronaldo from Real Madrid. The CJP was of the opinion that the money could’ve been better spent on the construction of diamer-Bhasha dam. “I know addressing Pakistan’s water shortage is not exactly the responsibility of an Italian football club, but it isn’t really the responsibility of the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court either,” he said jumping up from his chair, pointing both of this thumbs from over his shoulders towards his back to celebrate that line. Justice Nisar’s statement came as the Supreme Court on Wednesday issued directives that

TaR actor and hopeful politician hamza ali abbasi said that if he were to become the Prime Minister of Pakistan he could personally hang out with the most corrupt. Talking exclusively to The Dependent abbasi said, “What I would do if I was PM for a day is that I would… hang — out with — ooorrr possibly shoot — lots of pictures with – all the log jo bari corruption karte hain [people who commit large-scale corruption].” he continued, “Un ko photography squad ke saamne khara kar ke un saaro ki tasveerein banwaunga.” [I would line them up in front of a photography squad and have all

of them pictured.] however, he was quick to clarify that he was saying this about those corrupt people in the Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI), who he is likely to surround himself with once he becomes the premier. here’s his rationale: “… Kyunke mulk ko bari corruption chalaati hai. Choti corruption saari partion mai hoti hai, lekin bari corruption waali party hi hukoomat banaati hai. Tou main ye ek kaam zaroor karoonga.” [The people who commit largescale corruption are responsible for running a country. Small corruption happens in all parties, but it’s the parties responsible for bigger corruption that form the government. So, I would definitely do this one thing if I was PM.] g

sex – positions, kinkiness, pluralism, oral hygiene, etc – it is also progressive in how it incorporates homosexuality, bisexuality, and other heretofore unknown categories of sexuality,” a member of the Pulitzer committee told The Dependent. however, experts based in Pakistan maintain that it’s too early for Reham Khan’s book to be slotted in as the favourite for the prize. “We have a few publications on the way as well,” said senior literary critic Farhan Virk, while talking to The Dependent. g Sunday, 15 - 21 July, 2018

CJP condemns Juventus for prioritising Cristiano Ronaldo over Diamer-Bhasha Dam ISLAMABAD


the construction of diamerBhasha and Mohmand dams should start immediately, and ordered the top football clubs in the world to donate for the cause. “We’re calling it the diamerBhasha Champions league, and whoever donates the most will be crowned the champion at the end of the season,” Nisar said. With $11 billion being the estimated cost for the construction of the dam, the CJP was especially critical of the Serie a champions for missing out on making a great start in the diamer-Bhasha Champions league, by seeming to favour the UeFa Champions league with Ronaldo’s purchase. “With his four-year contract taking the overall deal to over $250 million, it would only take 44 Ronaldos to construct the diamer-Bhasha dam,” CJP Nisar reminded the football world, most notably Real Madrid who are now expected to go on a spending spree to replace Cristiano Ronaldo. g

‘Who’s the better captain: Sarfraz or Safdar’, Maryam Nawaz creates Twitter poll



MMedIaTely after Nawaz Sharif’s son-in-law Captain (r) Safdar addressed a power show in Rawalpindi and gave up his dramatic surrender to NaB officials, Maryam Nawaz on Sunday began a poll on Twitter asking her followers, “Who was the better captain today: Sarfraz or Safdar?” during her occasional Twitter spats, she took matters to a whole new level by saying that “Boys played really well, but Capt Safdar outperformed all,” right after Pakistan’s win against australia in tri-series finale. When the fans asked why she was discouraging the Pakistani cricketers, she responded that although Pakistan won the match and remained number one in T20I ranking, for me, Safdar will always be number one. “Winning nine consecutive T20I series is nothing as compared to getting arrested for being a son-in-law,” she argued. arguments from both sides heated up the debate as cricket fans geared up to criticise the ex-premier’s daughter. One follower of Maryam Nawaz

defended her stance and wrote, “oh WoW, your dress look$ aMaziG. yoU r tRue leadeR.” “yes, there were some missed chances but Safdar stood tall and build the momentum,” said another ardent PMl-N worker who self-identifies as a liberal journalist. The discussion led to the beginning of a poll and now it is up to the bot-power of the major political parties to decide the results. “Pakistan will never have a better captain than Imran Khan because I say so,” responded one particularly noisy PMl-N critic

who appeared to work for the PTI. however, NaB officials arrested Capt Safdar two days after he was sentenced to oneyear jail term in the avenfield corruption reference. his fiery entry into ‘Pindi was not the first time he outperformed the entire Sharif family. “Watch and learn,” remarked Safdar as he dropped the mic and handcuffed himself. at press time, Twitter officials were monitoring Maryam Nawaz’s poll and reconfirming if it breached any guidelines of the social media platform. g

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

The Dependent issue 75  
The Dependent issue 75