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Sunday, 13 - 19 October, 2019 I Issue 140 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30

PML-N launches first ever Schrodinger’s dharna by both joining and not joining Azadi March

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LAHORE

eePINg up its selfavowed label of progressiveness, the Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PMLN) became the first political party, not just in the country, but the world, to successfully launch a Schrodinger’s dharna this week. the launch, which is being touted around the world as a breakthrough in political thought experiment, came when the party leadership announced that it will simultaneously be joining the

Jamiat Ulema-e-Islam fazl (JUI-f) led Azadi March in the capital and not joining it. “We are joining the march and also not joining it,” said the PML-N Spokesperson Marriyum Aurangzeb while addressing a press conference on thursday. “It’s the Noon League’s interpretation of quantum politics. the scenario represents a protest march that may be simultaneously joined and not joined by the PML-N. In political science, so we have decided, this state will be known as dharna superposition,” she added.

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Describing the Azadi March led by JUI-f Chief fazlur rehman, Aurangzeb said that all reports of divides within the party are baseless, and that the PML-N is united in its decision of launching Schrodinger’s dharna in Islamabad. “In the grander political dimension, the JUI-f’s march is a random subatomic event that may or may not have the PML-N’s participation. But Schrodinger’s dharna is an experiment that will live on forever, and be used by generations of politicians and political scientists to come,” she maintained. g

‘China Pakistan Eating Corridor’ – PM announces Chinese langar along CPEC route

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fter successful talks with Chinese President Xi Jinping in Beijing on Wednesday, Prime Minister Imran Khan has announced a revamp of the China Pakistan economic Corridor. In their joint meeting PM Khan and President Jinping finalised the restructuring of the CPeC, which will now be known as the China Pakistan eating Corridor — one of the joint projects of the Chinese government and the Pakistan government’s ehsaas Programme. According to a statement released by PM Khan’s office in Islamabad, the Pakistani premier thanked Xi and the Chinese government for China’s financial support to Pakistan in difficult times, and confirmed that the multi-billion-dollar CPeC will now see Chinese langar throughout its route. “We will never forget China’s culinary cooperation in this regard,” Khan was quoted as saying by radio Pakistan, adding that he’s grateful that China is helping Pakistan out in the kitchen. New CPeC head Dr Sania Nishtar said that the joint Sino-Pak governments venture now intends to open 1,112 soup kitchens in the first phase of the scheme. “the soup kitchens will

Cabinet reshuffle delayed as PM yet not informed of his decision

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He expected delay in the reshuffle of the federal – and possibly – the Punjab cabinet has been delayed as Prime Minister Imran Khan has still not been informed of his decision. “Yes, we have been expecting it to take place for some time now, but till now, the premier has not been informed of his decision to give what portfolio to which treasury benches member,” said Political Advisor to the PM Naeemul Haque. “But we are absolutely ready for it,” he emphasised. “As soon as we

BEIJING/ISLAMABAD

get the word, the staff at the PM Secretariat will immediately prepare the executive order, which will be signed immediately by the PM.” “I mean, not if it’s a weekend, or after seven in the evening,” he clarified. “But if it is an emergency, I’m sure we could make him sign the document. I’ve made him sign stuff before when he is….weekending or after-seven-ing.” “this government does its work on time, I’ll have you know,” he said proudly. “Smooth functioning government, with no hindrances.” g

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Diplomatic crisis after speech on Islamic welfare state lands PM in Xinjiang Muslim re-education camp

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severe diplomatic crisis has ensued between Pakistan and China after the latter’s incarceration of visiting Pakistan Prime Minister Imran Khan in a Muslim re-education internment centre in the Xinjiang province. the Prime Minister was speaking at an event in Beijing, where he brought up his desire to set up an Islamic welfare state. “the artificial intelligence at the back end of the sensors at the hall operate on a very simple basis,” said Masood Khalid, Pakistan’s envoy to China. “the AI simply picked up the keywords and tipped off the secret police, who were at the venue in a jiffy. It’s one big understanding and I hope it is cleared up quickly.”

“We respect the Pakistani government’s concerns and hope they respect ours. the Pakistani authorities’ case is that our AI led to a faulty conclusion, which cannot be the case,” read an official state response. “the People’s republic cannot make such mistakes.” Chinese authorities, however, insisted

that there was no cause for concern as it was clearly a situation that can be rectified. “We are willing to release CN-48693 (Imran Khan) after his re-education and vocational training is complete,” read the official statement. “If he clears the test that will follow the re-education, he will most certainly be released.” STOP PRESS – LATE DEVELOPMENT: After the intervention of several world powers and a C (Satisfactory) grade in his exam, Prime Minister Imran Khan was finally released from the internment centre. Upon being asked a question by a reporter about the internment camps, he said, “I am afraid I don’t know much about this problem.” g

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feature both Chicken Corn and Hot & Sour soups along the western CPeC route, to avoid any controversy,” Dr Nishtar told The Dependent. Dr Nishtar added that Prime Minister Imran has instructed that the food at the soup kitchens must be hygienic and provided to people in ample proportions. “He also insisted that steamed dumplings be made mandatory for all so that the government can fulfil its promises made on health,” she said. g

E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour. The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.


CMYK

02 OPINION&EDITORIAL I M AG E S O F T H E W E E K

Sunday, 13 - 19 October, 2019

E D I TO R I A L

Sweeter than honey On board the PM’s delegation in China

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N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T

he entire editorial board of the prestigious publication that you are reading now was accompanying the Prime Minister in his visit to China. It was a fine visit, during which the government delegation, including Ali Amin Gandapur, also helped themselves to a considerable amount of honey. It did have its uncomfortable moments. During a speech, the PM said that he wished he could

do things the way they did in China. that is, that he wished he could put away 500 corrupt individuals behind bars very quickly. that was all well and good, but then he said that he also wished he could put away as many journalists behind bars as well. to make matters worse, he had turned around and was looking at the editor dead in the eyes. he refused to break eye contact, even to blink. he then said that he had plans to the effect once he got

back to Pakistan. In this issue: the PM himself met with some misfortune when he said some things about an Islamic welfare state that got him in a spot of trouble with the Chinese authorities. A team of quantum physicists are set to arrive from the Massachusetts Institute of technology who will observe the position of the PML-N on the upcoming dharna by Maulana Fazl-ur-Rehman. g

OPINION

a fake list of goals attributed to my rally has gone viral on national media

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By Marching Maulana

et me take this valuable space in this prestigious publication to term as fabricated the reports being shared widely on the national media that list a set of goals allegedly held by my party, the Jamiat Ulema-e-Islam-Fazl, which the channels, publications and websites claim have been shared with the participants of our upcoming anti-government protest in Islamabad, and the opponents as well. Yes, I have announced to set out on a long march against the government on October 27 that will culminate in the capital, where my party plans to hold a sit-in. But the alleged reports, purporting to have been issued by the information department of the JUI-F and its central leadership, tells participants and the opponents a few goals and aims of the party which are absolutely incorrect. Among the ‘goals’, one pertains to rigging and states that participants will launch the protest against the government “because it came into power because of rigging”. Another says that the protest has been launched because “the Prime Minister is a Western stooge and met infamous Jew George Soros in New York and hence is targeting the madrassas in the country as part of a Jewish conspiracy”. Let me take this valuable space in this prestigious publication to completely reject such claims on national media, which have got nothing to do with the actual goals of the JUI-F. I’m sure that these fake goals have been fabricated and made viral by PtI activists. Such reports are based on lies and the JUI-F has nothing to do with it. the PtI has always carried out conspiracies against me and the JUI-F. But that won’t stop the party members and workers from marching on the capital – because they know what our actual goals are. Of course, our party members, workers and everyone affiliated with us is aware of our politics. they all know that I, and in turn the party, couldn’t

care less if the elections were, are, or will be rigged. Because the elections were, are and will be rigged. Secondly, we’ve called Imran Khan a Jewish agent since his marriage to Jemima Goldsmith. Now we are calling him a Jewish agent because he met George Soros. the allegations are the same, just the Jews associated with him have changed. So, of course, that he is a Jewish agent isn’t really the reason why we’re marching on the capital either. Now once you know all this, and you also know what our goals aren’t, you should be able to figure out what our goals actually are. But the kind and generous man that I am, I will give you a couple of hints. First, we are doing in 2014, what was done in 2019 – except that was done at the back of someone, and we want to climb that back. Second, Jewish conspiracy against Islam sells better than anything ever sold in this country. g

Satire

Editor’s Note: This piece was ghostwritten by a newly hired JUI-F English content writer.

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.


CMYK

03

Sunday, 13 - 19 October, 2019

So are those tiananmen tanks effective for all body types, imran quietly asks Chinese premier

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rime minister imran Khan was heard asking Chinese President Xi Jinping on Tuesday whether the tanks used in Tiananmen Square in 1989 also effective against individuals more plump than the ones who protested back then. “i mean, not pleasantly plump but not obese either,” he said. “Would it kill such an individual? Or merely slow him down? Could

he immediately get out of the way? He doesn’t move very fast, this person i have in mind, but tanks can’t move all too fast either.” “Plus, these guys are a little wily all of them,” he said. “Would the tanks alone be able to do the trick or would we need feet on the ground?” The Prime minister then inked an moU with his Chinese counterpart to include protestdispersal troops as part of the CPeC projects. g

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Tiananmen Square flooded with Chinese citizens demanding PTI government

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LASHeS erupted in Beijing after authorities clamped down on an estimated twenty thousand protestors who had gathered at the historic Tiananmen Square to appeal to the Chinese authorities to let them join the Pakistan Tehreek-e-insaf (PTi) and for it to be given charge of the country’s affairs. “As is the norm with PTi supporters, they did not even want democracy. in fact, they want for the one-party system to remain.

They just wanted for that one party to not be the Communist Party of China anymore, but the PTi,” said Dr Faiza Hassan, professor at the Area Studies Centre, Punjab University and the country’s premier China expert. “They say they were extremely impressed by the intellect, moral fortitude and abdominal muscles of the party chairman,” she said. The crackdown, which started in the wee hours of the morning,

was too much for the local police to handle and the local commandant had requested the People’s Liberation Army to assist in quelling the subsequent riots. “But again, as is the norm, the army seemed to be soft on the PTi,” said Dr Hassan. PTi chairman imran Khan has asked the protestors to remain calm but has not ruled agreeing to their demands. This is a developing story. g

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04 NEWS

Sunday, 13 - 19 October, 2019

‘O yahoodan’, Fazl directs casual anti-Semitism towards fly buzzing around his morning tea

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PESHAWAR

Complete shutterdown in London Zones 1-4 after MQM chief charged with terrorism

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complete shutterdown was observed in the city of London, from zones 1 to 4 in the aftermath of mQm chief Altaf Hussain’s being formally charged with terrorism Thursday morning. Central London presented a deserted look as public transport was suspended and the citizens preferred to stay at home. mQm activists were amongst the few seen on the streets, with several of them burning tyres across various points in the city. “This is a peaceful protest and

is our right,” said Arham iqbal, member of the mQm central committee. “We are forcing no one to stay at home. rather, it is the people of London who themselves are registering their protests through their inaction.” “The people of London love Altaf Bhai and he loves them,” he added. meanwhile, in what the mQm central office claims are completely unrelated incidents, a total of five Pashtun daily wagers working in London have been killed. g

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ASTerFULLy spotting the Zionist conspiracy flying around his pile of parathas and steaming hot cup of tea during the early hours of Thursday morning, the Jamiat Ulema-e-islam Fazl (JUi-F) Chief Fazlur rehman directed casual anti-Semitism towards the housefly hell bent on damaging his breakfast and beliefs. “O yahoodan!” the JUi-F shouted as he briskly moved his hand to swatter the fly heading towards his teacup, clearly with the intention of nosediving in it and infesting it with the conspiracy sent out by the illuminati. “Ghustaakh, ahl-e-kufr!” Fazlur rehman continued the counterattack on the adversary that had clearly crossed the moral,

ideological, gastronomical and enemy lines. Addressing a press conference, after the fly managed to escape the scene of the religiously motivated hate crime, JUi-F Central Secretary General Abdul Ghafoor Haideri said the fly belonged to the ruling Pakistan Tehreek-e-insaf (PTi).

“it was a female outside her house without a mehram – what more evidence do you need?” Haideri said while talking to the media. “Also, the timing of the incident, designed to jeopardise the Azadi march, and the Jewish identity of the culprit, clearly confirm the party allegiance of the fly,” the JUi-F leader added. g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.


CMYK

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT 05

Sunday, 13 - 19 October, 2019

New Zeera Plus campaign to see Umar akmal being dunked in large teacup at Gaddafi Stadium

t ‘Galti se mistake ho gaya,’ Indian Air Force chief says after shooting down own chopper

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NEW DELHI

NdIAN Air Force chief Rakesh Kumar Singh Bhadauria on Friday commenting on the Mi-17 chopper crash on February 27, the same day as the dogfight between Pakistani and Indian jets, said ‘galti se mistake ho gaya’. While addressing the press conference Bhadauria revealed how the Mi-17 was shot down by ‘Vasco da Gama ki gun’. “Iss se nishaana lagaanay ki koi zaruurat nahi, naam lay ke fire kijiye theek nishaanay pe lagta hai,” the Indian air chief added. Bhadauria said the target was missed owing to the cunningness of the

opponents. “Kya hai na woh jo do number ka larka hai na,” he began after being interrupted by a phone call from the Prime Minister Office. When asked what was said on the call, Bhadauria replied: “Kuch sunai nahi diya, lekin smart boy kaha hoenga zaruur!” Bhadauria, who took charge as the Indian Air Force chief last week, said that the air force is also considering inscribing Pakistan Air Force’s name on its bombs and missiles so that the next time the IAF shoots down own jet it would appear as though the PAF has done it. “Jaise do shikaari aik teer

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06 SPORTS

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he marketing department of LU’s popular Zeera Plus biscuits is all set to launch a new promising campaign during the third T20I at the Gaddafi Stadium on Wednesday, The Dependent has reliably learnt. After successfully showcasing a large biscuit being dunked in a large teacup at both National Stadium and Gaddafi Stadium, in addition to celebrities enjoying the biscuits in the stands, throughout the tour of Sri Lanka to Pakistan, the marketing department has decided to merge the two ideas for the final match of the series. According to sources, the next campaign of Zeera Plus will have Pakistan middle-order batsman Umar Akmal being dunked in a large teacup at Gaddafi Stadium. “Umar Akmal represents a

round thing that one dunks in biscuits. And he’s likely to be free on Wednesday to participate in the campaign. We’re calling it the Zero Plus campaign,” Kulsoom Ahmed, a member of the Zeera Plus marketing department, told The Dependent. however, the new campaign would be slightly different, she reveals. “We’ll have a teacup of the same size, but both the hot tea and the object being dipped in it will be real. We’re sure the crowd would love the campaign and would actively participate in it as well,” Kulsoom Ahmed adds. LU expects a significant rise in the biscuit sales after the final T20I on Wednesday, officials say. g

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Sunday, 13 - 19 October, 2019

Pakistan suffering from overdose of Akmal blood: PCB report

War of words between Coach, Chief selector after embarrassing loss to Sri Lanka he first chinks in the new Pakistan Cricket set up started to appear here on Saturday as the national team’s head coach, Misbah-ul-haq, and chief selector, Misbah-ul-haq, exchanged pointed words over the team’s loss to Sri Lanka in the first T20 at Lahore. A diminished Sri Lanka set up managed to defeat the current number one ranked T20 team in the world, Pakistan, in their own backyard in Lahore. At a post-match press conference, head coach Misbah-ulhaq said that he had been given an awful pick of players. “Why are we bringing back these tried and tested figures like Umar Akmal and Ahmad Shehzad again. I know we wanted to take this opportunity to experiment with different combinations, but why use these old hacks?” he questioned, bringing into question the wisdom of recently appointed chief selector Misbah-ul-haq. “everyone has always been

maartay hain,” Bhadauria said. The Indian Air Force chief also complained to the Pakistani media and highlighted its role in aggravating war between the two nuclear armed countries through the portrayal of the leadership of the Indian armed force. “Aisa budhu, bewaqoof type ka kahay ko bataata hai?” he asked. At press time Rakesh Kumar Bhadauria was kidnapped by Crime Master Gogo and taken to an undisclosed location along with Amar Manohar, Prem Bhopali, Karishma, Raveena Bajaj, Ram Gopal Bajaj and Shyam Gopal Bajaj alias Teja. g

LAHORE

concerned about the Akmal blood that runs through Babar Azam’s veins, and I fear an Akmal being so near him is aggravating his condition” he went on to say. Meanwhile, Chief selector Misbah-ul-haq said that the head coach was just unable to coach these players and develop effective strategies. “These are talented boys and we wanted them to be given a full run before we discard them for good. This is the coach’s job to do something about their problems” the chief selector said in response to a media question at a different location. The Dependent has also learned that chief selector Misbah-ul-haq later invited coach Misbah-ul-haq for a closed-door meeting to settle the issues between the two. The meeting between coach Misbah and chief selector Misbah reportedly took place inside Misbah’s mind, while Misbah’s body was tossing and turning in unable to sleep. g

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damning internal report of the Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) has said that the team’s recent losses to a second-string Sri Lanka side in a home series may be the result of an overdose of Akmal blood in the team’s constitution. According to details, the number one ranked T20 Pakistan side was collapsing in front of the hotchpotch Sri Lanka team was because of the dangerous element existing in the Pakistan team in a dangerous amount. “In the past, we have seen that Akmal blood can be genuinely talented and enhance performance. But it has always been volatile, and previous experiments with this mixture have not gone down well” read part of the report exclusively available with The Dependent. “We had thought that we had reached the perfect

balance with Babar Azam, who although an Akmal first cousin, does not have the baggage of the name and proved to only have the good bits of Akmalness in him” it went on to say. “however, the reintroduction of the strongest Akmal element, Umar, has meant that the team is once again in disarray. In fact, we believe it may be possible that his Akmalness has actually been heightened during his absence from the team.” “We do not wish to cause

unnecessary alarm, but the evidence indicates that it is possible the presence of Umar is actually invigorating the Akmalness that has always existed in Babar Azam. It is an almost Jekyll-hyde sort of situation” it warned. “We cannot tell if there is any permanent damage to Babar, but we advise he be quarantined forthwith. We are already taking a risk with the Shehzad factor, but this issue just cannot be allowed to fester” the report concluded. g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

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