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RAZOR RUDDOCK : GOING TO HELL PLAYBOY TWINS: NUFF SAID for men who should know benedict

VICTOR, THAT IS

BACK FROM THE DEAD

THE KING OF PORN UM, BONGO VOODOO AND VICE SUPER BOWL

FROM HEAVEN

9 771353 347258

APRIL 2013 £4.20

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For

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WOLF BOY MAD FUR IT

God’s sake!

‘‘I asked for Lauren Pope. Not...’’

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Editor’s letter loaded has decided to award Pub Landlord Al Murray with our Legend Award. His stand up character is what makes Britain Great. The slightlyever-so xenophobic, stereotyped pub boss is the bloke we’ve all met and for some strange reason seem to adore. Listening to Al Murray is like sitting in your favourite boozer with a pint in your hand listening to unrivalled bollocks spouted by the bloke behind the bar – genius! It’s because of people like Al Murray that we once ruled the world! I also salute the rest of our winners, great, talented people, who really are the reason why the world laughs at us! This month’s cover is dedicated to the retiring pope, the great man of the Catholic faith and it was all done in the best possible taste. Lucy Pinder brings joy to our lives and gives warmth to the coldest of hearts. She is also launching our loaded model of the year competition called God’s Gift so watch this space as we print the good, the bad and the ugly! We also celebrate the launch of The Look of Love, a Steve Coogan film about the porn king, Paul Raymond. A great life story about a man dedicated to living life to the full and the boss of loaded just happens to own the Paul Raymond catalogue of magazines; you decide why I featured this film! I hope you also enjoy our other offerings including the riotous Neil ‘Razor’ Ruddock, African Nations winner Victor Moses, Stone Cold and the managing director of British crime, Freddie Foreman. I’ve also featured a tribute to the one and only Muhammad Ali, I hope the great man is with us for many years to come. Check out our new weekly magazine which is called ZiP and it’s on sale now! Also head over to the all-new loaded.co.uk IAN EDMONDSON EDITOR

EDITORIAL

EDITOR Ian Edmondson ian@loaded.co.uk DEPUTY EDITOR Matthew Drake matt@loaded.co.uk ART DIRECTOR: Mitch Williams mitch@loaded.co.uk ASSISTANT EDITOR (PRODUCTION) Adam Thorn adam@loaded.co.uk FEATURES EDITOR: Ben Duffy ben@loaded.co.uk FASHION EDITOR: Bella Rox bella@loaded.co.uk FASHION ASSISTANT: Lucas Armitage lucas@loaded.co.uk CONTRIBUTORS WORDS: Johnny Cigarettes, Macca, Peter Jenkinson, Dan Brightmore, Carly Wilford, Dylan Hallihan, James Hartnett, Steve Wraith, Darryl Hannah Baker, Tom Fordy, Damien Lewis, Hayley Coyle PHOTOGRAPHY: Joel Gilgallon, Mitchell Williams, David Marquez, Jay Mawson, Alastair Pullen, Adam Turner, Naki, Ruan Van Der Sande, Antonio Petronzio DESIGN: Nathan Eighty, Alastair Parr, Ellie Spencer

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“Don’t get he 10th anniversary of snippy with the world (ish) famous me you shellfish LAFTA awards is upon bastard” us. You might be lucky enough to be reading this whilst knocking back very expensive wine at London’s trendy Sway Club for the LAFTA celebrations. If you are, come over and have a chat with me and tell me how much you love loaded, if you’re not then send me an email and I might invite you to next year’s star-studded bash!

SUITS OWNER Paul Chaplin MANAGING DIRECTOR Ray Kidd ADVERTISING DIRECTOR Jason Calder-Mclaren jason@loaded.co.uk SALES MANAGER Lee Saunderson lee@loaded.co.uk SENIOR SALES EXEC Kirsty Graham kirsty@loaded.co.uk SALES EXECUTIVE Lee McLoughlin Lee.m@loaded.co.uk PRODUCTION MANAGER Lisa Poston lisa@loaded.co.uk ACCOUNTS ASSISTANT Pam Stewart pam.stewart@bluepublishing.net

ADDRESS Blue Publishing Limited, 23 Lyon Road, Hersham, Surrey, KT12 3PU, TEL 020 8873 4413 EMAIL letters@loaded.co.uk, WEBSITE www.loaded.co.uk TWITTER @loadedmag

ENQUIRIES SUBSCRIPTION ENQUIRIES bluepublishing@subscriptions.co.uk SUBSCRIPTION ADDRESS CDS Global Ltd, Lathkill Street, Sovereign Park, Market Harborough, Leicestershire, LE16 9EF CONTACT 0844 543 8031 (Overseas) +44 1858 438743 PLEASE NOTE: We have recently changed subscription houses. We would like to apologise to anyone who was affected by this. Please feel free to contact us if you have had any problems. 23 Lyon Road , Hersham, Surrey KT12 3PU e-mail: Copyright © Blue Publishing Limited 2012 all rights reserved. No part of this magazine may be reproduced in whole or in part without the written permission of the publishers. Unsolicited contributions must be accompanied by a stamped addressed envelope if they are to be returned. We cannot accept responsibility for unsolicited manuscripts and photographs or for material lost or damaged in the post. Letters submitted to loaded or its editors are assumed to be intended for publication in whole or in part. The mention or appearance or likeness of any person or organisation in articles or advertising in this publication is not to be taken as any indication of sexual, social or political orientation of such persons or organisations. Newstrade distribution by Comag Specialist, Tavistock Works, Tavistock Road, West Drayton UB7 7QX. Published by Blue Publishing Limited. Printed by BGP

Wheres Wally?

HERE Wankered at The Greatest Show on Earth

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contents april issue 2013 ✶ issue 230

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DEVILS 10RED

We like red heads, so here’s not one but two of the curvacious beauties

football

features

A lean former cricketer modeling for fat clothes is odd

52 HER HOLINESS

Lucy Pinder returns to the sacred pages of loaded in what is without question her most religious shoot ever

16 PRICE BALO’S COMES HOME 22DAVID 40 BOOK HALL ON GAZZA 27ERIC ADAM DEACON

Our man reflects on the times he came across Paul Gascoigne and why this could be his last chance

Like him or dislike him the Premier League is going to be a much duller place without him. Here are just a few reasons why

AM 60SOCCER

We all watch on Saturday morning but what’s it like behind the scenes?

Face masks are apparently not just for women. If you need convincing have a look

153GOLDEN DELICIOUS CHAOS 168 CLUBBING There were some biscuits around the office so we pimped them up

32

CHRISTIAN HORNER

42

A look at the corruption that’s tainting football

We head to Sheffield to throw a few shapes at Plug Nightlcub – it was messy as the pictures will show you.

He’s just won the African cup of Nations and is coming good for the Blues

SHIRTY 156GETTING

More shirts like the one this deeply odd man is modelling

EURO CORRUPT

If you havent heard of Spring Breakers then get the tissues out – you’ll need them

MOSES 66 VICTOR

loaded goes on a jolly to the greatest show on earth

Remember those two guys from Live and Kicking? We found them

Our resident music columnist Carly Wilford chats to the electronic lads from London

A 151FANCY FACIAL REVIEWS 164 MOVIE

BOWL 94 SUPER

ARE THEY NOW? 28WHERE

reviews

MODESTEP 146FAT FREDDIE? 160BEYOND

WORLD 38MACCA’S

The country’s best columnist talks about everyone’s favourite player, John Terry. That’s loaded sarcasm....

style

AGAIN 170GADGETS Some tasty football boats plus a very colourful and slightly fruity “build your own” bike

COLD 128STONE

When you say the word “legend” it isn’t long before you mention this dude

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LOADED GIVES YOU TWINS

TWO UP FRONT CARLA AND MELISSA Words JAMES HARTNETT Photography RUAN VAN DER SANDE Styling LUCAS ARMITAGE

IT WAS DOUBLE TROUBLE FOR PREMIERSHIP STARS PATRICE EVRA AND ASHLEY COLE WHEN THEY SCORED OFF THE PITCH WITH ONE OF THESE STUNNING PLAYBOY TWINS

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t’s as if one wasn’t enough to goggle over. Carla and Melissa Howe – 22-year-old twins – may have got on the wrong side of the tabloids in the past, but when you’ve got a figure like these two have, no wonder they’re football’s most wanted property.

A CV ranging from Patrice Evra to Ashley Cole, Russell Brand to Motley Crue, these girls have had their fair share of interest from guys. The pair, with an age gap of eight minutes, have chosen loaded for their debut UK magazine shoot, and we think the Playboy beauties have made the right decision. “We’ve been in the tabloids a lot, but it’s all because of the work we do with Playboy and Snoop Dogg.” With disdain at the thought, the two distance themselves from the ‘WAG’ label. Hitting the dating scene only two years ago, they’ve attracted a host of talent but insist the job isn’t what attracts them. “We don’t like that WAG tag at all but we get it a lot because we’re on the arms of famous guys. We’re just trying to do our own thing but when tabloids throw out these headlines it’s difficult. “Because we model it’s hard to find a guy that’s serious, and the guys seen in the media are usually unattached. We’re 22 and single, we just want to party and have fun. These guys aren’t pervy or cocky, they’re laid back and they’ve got good game.” Carla has had trouble in the past after a fling with Manchester United’s Patrice Evra ended in disaster, while twin Melissa – the older of the two by eight minutes – briefly dated Chelsea left-back Ashley Cole.

“Obviously their track records aren’t attractive but first impressions on the day count a lot. They’re genuinely nice guys.” It’s not just footballers that take the girls’ fancy either – even quirky Russell Brand’s got their numbers. “Russell isn’t our type but he’s funny and confident, and that’s attractive. We don’t care what a guy does – their job is irrelevant. If you’ve got a good personality, you can hold a conversation and you’ve got no ego, you’re good for us.”

reality tv

When not travelling to the Bahamas with Motley Crue, the modelling twins are also regular weather girls for a stint Snoop Dogg’s having on camera, while they’re also hoping to appear in an upcoming Tupac movie as well as their very own TV programme. “We just filmed the pilot and it’s being pitched now. It’s all about life with the likes of Snoop and hanging around the Playboy mansion. It’s more TOWIE than East End.” We can’t wait. ■ loaded

Mellisa left: Underwear set by Playful Promises, shoes by New Look

He shoots, he scores...

Carla right: Underwear set by BlueBella, shoes by New Look, all Jewellery by Freedom at Topshop

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“WE’RE 22 AND SINGLE AND JUST WANT TO PARTY AND HAVE FUN. THESE FOOTBALLERS AREN’T PERVY, THEY’VE GOT GOOD GAME”

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“You’re born, you take shit. You get out in the world, you take more shit. You climb a little higher, you take less shit. Till one day you’re up in WKHUDUHÀHGDWPRVSKHUHDQG\RX·YH IRUJRWWHQZKDWVKLWHYHQORRNVOLNH Welcome to the layer cake son.” The Layer Cake

^LLRLUKVɈLUKLYJVT

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HAIR AND MAKE UP BY JOHANNA DALEMO

Lingerie by Myla, necklace by Dorothy Perkins

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Lingerie by Myla, shoes by New Look

“RUSSELL BRAND ISN’TOURTYPEBUT HE’SFUNNY, CONFIDENTAND THAT’SATTRACTIVE”

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LOADED’S

MAN OF THE

MOMENT

A DEACON OF LIGHT

“I’VE GOT A BIT OF A CRUSH ON MICHELLE KEEGAN, SHE’S REALLY NICE”

LOADED CHATS TO THE ALI G IN DA HOUSE RUDEBOYCUM-SERIOUS ACTOR ABOUT MICHELLE KEEGAN, SPIDERS AND, OF COURSE, REG FROM THE BILL

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dam Deacon may seem like an East London lout with a lot of swagger and too much attitude, but the Kidulthood star confessed to loaded his most pimping possession is his posh Bafta. And despite being a far sight richer than when he was growing up, Deacon is happily set up council-house style in his beloved Hackney and was at a loss when loaded quizzed him about what he splashes his cash on. Stoke Newington’s favourite export is about to turn 30 but he’s not getting soft in his old age he assures us – he’s merely grown up a bit. Deacon played the obnoxious wannabe gangster Kay in his directorial debut Anuvahood – a gritty urban comedy that won him the prestigious Rising Star award – and as a youth made a guest appearance on the ludicrous ‘East Staines massiv’ flick Ali G Indahouse – but Deacon wants to shed his townie alter-ego with fierce facial hair and be taken more seriously by directors. Deacon’s reputation precedes him – though he’s only 5’5 and about as scary looking as Dappy from N Dubz – and directors are put off by his brash fashion sense and background.

lover me, lover me

However the girl he’s got in his sights is taken – for now. “I’m just going to have a big party… it’s gotta be a big one for my 30th though innit,” he said. “I’m getting my head round the fact that 30 is a good age, you know what life’s about, so I’m going to embrace it. “I’m single at the moment but I’m getting to 30 now, I gotta find that girl now yeah? The girl that I like, I think she’s taken at the moment. Michelle Keegan, who plays Tina in Coronation Street… she’s really nice. I’ve got a bit of a crush on her to be honest.” She is with Mark Wright but seeing as celebrity relationships are about as lasting as their spray tans Deacon could be in with a chance yet. He is also keen to tell loaded that his bad boy persona is a thing of the past and a misconception he wants to right. “I’m not scary, that’s the thing! I think because of the parts that I’ve played people think you are like that and that’s something that I’ve had to overcome. A lot of my early work was very arrogant, I played a nasty piece of work quite

WORDS: HAYLEY COYLE

i’m no joke

So now Deacon wants to be taken a bit more seriously…less parody estate kid, more thesp. His latest project isn’t comedy as such and it’s certainly not highbrow drama but it is a departure from what Deacon usually does. He stars in Comedown,, an action thriller film that sees him and five mates get sliced down one by one after they rig up a pirate radio station in an abandoned block of flats. “It’s a lot more action packed than what I normally do – I guess it’s a horror film but I think it’s more of a bloody slasher. The props department was really good at making fake prosthetics, fake rats and faces so there was a lot of scaring the girls on set – leaving things in weird places, making them scream.” Hitting 30 just before loaded went to print. he’s now searching for a Mrs Deacon.

“S’up”

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often – so I’m not sure all directors can tell the difference.” So if Deacon’s scary exterior is just an act, what is it that scares him? It wouldn’t do for a N16 rude boy to admit what makes him shit himself but loaded got it out of him.

URBAN ROOTS Deacon’s breakthrough performance was in 2006’s Kidulthood.

WILD CHILD

Deacon starred in little known but ace horror flick Wildreness as a no-goodnik.

RISING STAR

Deacon sends up the gritty urban drama by directing the comedy Anuvahood.

HIGH-RISE HORROR

Comedown sees six friends trapped in a derelict tower block with a nutter.

Gangs? No. Guns? No. Heights even? Nope. Spiders. Surely Spiders? “I got offered to go on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here – but you wouldn’t be able to pay me enough to do that,” he squeaked. “Just the thought of it – man, all the things they have to do. All the creepy crawlies. And I’m also a bit scared of rats.” Next up is getting to the bottom of one of Deacon’s first acting gigs. It wasn’t starring in his own rap video, it wasn’t some underground coming of age thing. It was The Bill. loaded were dying to know about Reggie (PC Reg Hollis), the awesome and long-running copper who after leaving the show in 2008, went a bit mental, grew his hair and moved to Hollywood. A loaded legend! Deacon remembers him well – but not all that fondly it seems. “I never had any scenes with him but he was always around. He was one of those actors because he’d been there so long, you could tell he thought it was his set. It was like he owned the place – you kind of got that vibe from him.” We’d expect nothing more from the acting maverick. Deacon then cut his acting teeth with Sacha Baron Cohen in Ali G Indahouse. He was huge fan of the show, he said, and then when the opportunity came along to actually get involved in the film version, he jumped. “It was brilliant, amazing,” Deacon recalls. “I grew up watching Ali G then all of a sudden when I was about 15 my agent called me up and said I’d been offered a part in the film. It was my first big feature film and to work with Sacha – I think subliminally it gave me the confidence to then go off an do my own comedy. Sacha was really friendly, but weirdly he’s really quiet when out of character and very reserved. But as soon as he got his Ali G costume on, he just transformed.” When asked if Deacon had any parting words for loaded he came over all reflective about his native hood, which has seen a massive regeneration since the Olympics last year and a huge influx of gentrified hipsters with more money than sense. “It’s mad because I’ve always lived in East London all my life and the changes recently have been so big,” he adds. “I think it’s good that new people are moving into the area but you still need a balance. Lots of people are losing their homes and it seems the government are doing all they can to get rid of the ‘riff raff’ to get the rich people in. “East London should always have real East Londoners living there and though it’s great new people are moving in, they need to keep it fair. The real natives of the East End shouldn’t have to lose their homes because of soaring rent prices.” Deep thoughts indeed. Deacon is charming, articulate and cheeky – a true Hackney kid done good. Just lay off Reg, eh? ■ loaded Comedown is out on DVD on March 11

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E BIGGEST TH TO U YO S CE DU O TR IN ED LOAD S BREAKING AR ST RE TU FU D AN TS AC Y ED COM THROUGH EVERY MONTH

Your guest loaded compere is…

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o, I’ve found love recently, but that means I now think I have the appeal of Ryan Gosling to all other women. When you’re going through a barren patch, the loneliness sets in, and the bottles of piss gather under the bed like urine-soaked flies sticking to a cum-ridden cobweb. Then you get a missus, and start to believe you could pull anyone. It doesn’t help that I spend a lot of time in the ‘stretching corner’ of the gym, surrounded by lycra-wearing, bent over girls, as I listen to ‘Touch me, so then just touch me, til I can get my, satisfaction’ on repeat. She is a dream though, my lovely bird, for she provides what no bottle of piss could ever give.

TOMMY HOLGATE

BENNY BOOT I like to hire two babysitters, from two different companies. And then I ring them, individually, on the night, and I say ‘now listen, you’re going to be babysitting a 21-year-old girl, who’s retarded, and thinks she’s a baby-sitter. They’d be like: ‘It’s time for you to go to bed.’ ‘No, it’s time for you to go to bed!’ When I’m home I see two girls trying to get themselves into bed!

‘I was down an alleyway when a guy says ‘Hey man, you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time. I thought ‘shit, that means I’m lost AND I’m late.’ At parties, I make sure I let everyone know I’m antidrug, and that I don’t do drugs. But then everyone peer pressures me into doing drugs. And that’s how, I get, free drugs.

LOADED LAUGHS

Arsenal’s defence has more holes in it than Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom door Never mind horses in lasagne, I think I’ve found Heather Mills’ missing leg in my Linda McCartney sausages. You think that the horse meat in Tesco is bad? B&Q’s floors have lamb in it. Chinese students always prefer to enrol at the University of East Anglia. It’s their insatiable thirst for Norwich.

MARK SMITH

‘I’m a very skinny guy, which means that I can only really get with curvaceous girls, because if I get with a stick thin girl we’ll start a huge fire.’

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‘I tell you who I think are despicable; coffee tasters. I don’t know how they sleep at night.’

‘There’s more to bukkake than meets the eye’ ‘Watching World’s Most Dangerous Roads. No sign of Murder Mile just yet.’ ‘Every dog has his day. Unless that day is Christmas, then it gets a whole life.’

LOADED LAUGHS I called head office this morning and complained once again for being short staffed in my store. They went, “You were the one who thought it hilarious to employ ‘midgets only’, now live with it.” David Beckham donating his 5 months wages at PSG to help the starving and malnourished. What a lovely family man he is, thinking of his wife even when signing for a new team.

So Hazard kicked a ball boy. Haven’t seen a Welsh kid go down so eagerly since the Lostprophets last toured. North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has installed Sky Sports in the presidential palace because he loves watching the Premiership. Lets hope he doesn’t get mixed up with his red buttons.

LOADED LAUGHS My Mrs said, Pope Resigns. True Catholics pull out early.

All in good humour

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LUKE BENSON

Chris Huhne wishes he could ‘turn back the clock’. Which let’s face it is yet another serious motoring offence. A horse walks into a bar. “Too late,” says the bartender, “we’re joking about the pope now.” “He’s right,” sighs Richard III.

New Scotland manager Gordon Strachan says he is already preparing for the 2014 world cup. He has bought himself a new TV. Did you know that anal sex is still illegal in Iceland? Not sure if it’s the same in Farmfoods so be careful. I was in the cinema last night when a stunning girl came over, leaned seductively on the empty seat next to me and said, “Is this taken?” “No,” I replied, “A Good Day To Die Hard.” Just bought a cucumber from Tesco. Turns out it was actually a horse’s huge cock. (sorry)

Davide Beckham

@psgbecks

Mon official twitter account en France.

61

9,766, 540

Following Followers

Profile Davide Beckham @psgbecks Tout meme, je still feel un bit weird en France. Victoria Beckham @poshspice @DavideBeckham The women in Paris look so good. And three times a day, they do this weird thing called ‘eating’. Not sure what that’s all about… Joey Barton @ monsieurjoey @psgbecks Ne worriez pas, mon ami, en ligue 1, les Francais appreciatent un footballer intelligent et cultured, comme moi ou toi. Vive la France! Davide Beckham @ psgbecks Merci @ monsieurjoey. Vous are un gentleman et un scholar. Je look forward a jouer contre toi pour le PSG. Joey Barton @monsieurjoey @psgbecks Que? Etes-vous calling mon maman un c***? Si vous avez something to say to me, shit-hair, fucking say it to mon visage. Et un autre chose – your wife’s ugly. Victoria Beckham @poshspice @monsieurjoey – I can’t be ugly. This face was constructed by the best surgeons in the world?

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LOADED’S

MAN OF THE

MOMENT

GOING TOE TO TOE LOADED CAN ANNOUNCE THAT OUR HEAVYWEIGHT HOPE, DAVID PRICE, IS THE NEW AMBASSADOR FOR INJURED FORCES CHARITY COMING HOME

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avid Price may be blasting his way through the heavyweight boxing division at knockout speed, but loaded can now proudly announce that he is the new ambassador for Coming Home – the charity we’ve been helping to support. Just two weeks before his latest fight, Price broke away from his intensive training session at his gym to go a few rounds with loaded’s war hero Pete Dunning. On May 25, 2008, during the last active day of his second tour to Helmand Province, Afghanistan, Dunning and his fellow marines, Dale Gostick and Marc Goddard, were travelling in a Viking armoured vehicle along a dry river bed near the town of Sangin. As they crossed the river, they hit an IED (improvised explosive device). Gostick – who was driving the vehicle tragically – died while Pete’s legs were severely wounded.

fighting fit

Now Price and Peter – who is back to fitness with his artificial legs – are helping to raise awareness for the organisation which looks after soldiers when they return home and struggle to find suitable housing. loaded first threw our support behind the organisation last August, and we’ve been tirelessly campaigning for them ever since. “To be honest I had never heard of Coming Home before loaded approached me,” said Price, now supporting the charity. “It just never crossed my mind that

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WALLOP!

something like this would even be a problem. You just assume that soldiers coming home from places like Afghanistan will have a home to go back to. It’s awful that some of these heroes are homeless or struggling to be with their families when they have given so much and in some cases been very seriously injured. “I know this is a real political issue, but seriously no one who has fought for our country should be homeless.” As the two lined up face-to-face in the ring

David joked around with Pete – nicknamed ‘The Feet’ in the Royal Marines – about keeping his guard up and how to deliver a KO blow. “Meeting Pete was a great moment,” explained Price. “Here is a guy that has made pretty much the ultimate sacrifice for his country but he is so positive about life. “Most people would give up in that situation, I couldn’t imagine what I would do, one minute you are so active and then next you can’t even get up the stairs. But then you see people like Pete who have done the opposite and taken every opportunity they have. It is very inspirational. “There are a lot of similarities to the intensity and training you do in the Army with boxing so that’s one of the reasons I feel so strongly about that charity.” Pete, who has previously appeared in loaded, explained how his professional skiing career after his accident showed how he has always tried to keep fit and – despite retiring from pro competitions – will keep staying healthy. “Before I joined the Marines I played semi-pro rugby,” recalls Pete. “I have always kept an eye on who wins in the boxing and even had a match when I was in the army but I think my wife would kill me if I did it full-time!”

special guest

Pete attended David’s last fight as a special guest at the Liverpool Echo Arena after meeting through the charity, which he is full of

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praise for. “Coming Home has helped me to purchase a house which is going to suit me for life now,” adds Pete. “They have also helped with all of the changes to the home to make it suitable for me, like replacing the steps outside with a ramp, installing a chairlift and getting a modified bathroom. “It is very special because without their help I wouldn’t have been able to get my house and I would have been limited to what I can do but now they have helped me it’s great. I am going to be in that house for life now. “I can live my life and enjoy my time with my wife and children. Now that I have just retired from skiing I can start to relax and enjoy life and if I can help out with other injured servicemen that would be great.” Price was speaking ahead of his fight with American Tony Thompson, and was literally in the middle of some heavy sparring when he

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Proudly supporting Coming Home

Our campaign has seen a groundswell of response and support to help wounded heroes. Keep going!

took a short break to talk to loaded about becoming an ambassador for Coming Home and his future ambitions. After successive early knockouts against Audley Harrison and Matt Skelton, Price feels people are questioning his ability to go the full distance. But he is adamant that his plan to grab a world title in 2014 will still happen. “I have been quite surprised with how I have won the last two fights, I was expecting them to go a bit longer. I think that is why some people

PHOTOGRAPHY BY ALASTAIR PULLEN

Pete’s new feet allow him to stay active

are suggesting that I can’t go for longer but I will prove that I can go as long as it takes. “So far everything is going to plan and I just want to keep going the way I am, training as hard as I can and winning the way I am.” With Price’s killer right hand and determination mixed with Pete’s unwillingness to give up, the double team will make sure Coming Home send out all the right messages to other struggling servicemen. ■ loaded Visit coming-home.org.uk to find out more.

Coming Home has one simple aim: to help put a roof over the heads of brave wounded and seriouslyinjured troops. The charity campaign to raise money to provide specially-adapted and appropriate housing for the hundreds of service personnel looking to rebuilding their lives. Prime Minister David Cameron supports Coming Home and has pledged to find and adapt housing for servicemen who have given everything for the defence of our country. He’s just announced the enshrining of the Military Covenant into law and will work in partnership with Haig Housing Trust and Coming Home to ensure these brave men and women have the life they so richly deserve. loaded is right behind you Dave. To donate, call the Coming Home donation hotline on 02086855770 or text ‘Home18 £3’ (or any amount up to £10) to 70070.

SHOW YOUR SUPPORT BY VISITING COMING-HOME.ORG.UK loaded.co.uk l 025

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THE NATURE OF THE

CONTROL

FREAK

THEY GLUE THE BALL TO THEIR FEET

KING FG

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noise Gazza: gurning world champion 1990, 1991 & 1993

ERIC’S

HALL OF FAME

noise

MONSTER TALES CAN GAZZA KICK IT? YES HE CAN, ACCORDING TO LOADED’S BUBBALAH-INCHIEF, ERIC HALL

INTERVIEW BY MATTHEW DRAKE PICS: GETTY

A

great deal has been written about Gazza recently, and it has not been good. A lot of people ask me about all the famous sports stars I’ve had the pleasure of meeting, but I will never forget the first time I met Gazza. Mad as a march hare, but with a monster, monster heart as big as Wembley Stadium. I was Terry Venables’ agent when he was manager at Spurs and he rang me to say that he had just signed Paul Gascoigne from Newcastle. He told me I should meet them for dinner that night in a monster swanky Italian restaurant. I sat with Terry, his wife and Gazza. The maitre’ d’ was a fella with a huge handlebar moustache, who had been working there for somewhere approaching 103 years. He asked Terry’s wife first what she would like and she ordered something very Italian, as did Terry when he asked him. I wasn’t sure, so the waiter asked Gazza, who said he was still deciding. The waiter said he’d give him time and returned to me. I chose pasta with Napolina sauce and a steak. He then returned to Gazza, who looked confused and obviously didn’t know his bolognese from his Napolitana. Again, he said he needed more time, so the waiter went away. After about 20 minutes everybody was absolutely starving and Terry, god bless him, snaps and says “For fuck’s sake Paul, pick some food!” I’d never seen Terry snap. Poor Gazza decided to ask the maitre’ d’ for his advice. “The scampi is a great option, sir,” says the waiter. “That’ll do for me,” says Gazza. “I like all the Disney films.”

on the rack

Another time, Gazza was at the Spurs training ground in Cheshunt, Hertfordshire, where he was showing off a Range Rover he had bought. He was planning to drive up to Newcastle to see his family and friends and had just had a roof rack fitted to carry some extra things back. At the time, Spurs had this monster, monster fan who would be at the training ground nearly

every day and adored the fella. Gazza, knowing this, asked him if he would help him check the rack as he said he thought it was loose. Up the fan got on the roof and tried shaking. “It seems fine,” he shouted. “I’m still not sure, keep going,” said Gazza as he slipped in the driver’s seat and started up the ignition. Next thing he drove out the gates. He then sped up and drove out to the M25 for at least one junction, before returning to the Spus training ground with the fan still clinging to the roof. When he came down, the fan was shaking but smiling. He said he’d loved it and could they go round again. Fans had a lot of monster love for Gazza.

bullets and bonus

I had a flat in Paddington at the time Gazza was at Spurs and he came round once with my monster mate Terry Fenwick. My lovely flat looked out over the balcony and into the back windows of some lovely houses owned by some wealthy people. For some reason Gazza had an air rifle with him. He said “look at this” and I asked what the hell he had it for? He assured me it wasn’t a real rifle and then started taking pop shots at my rich neighbours’ windows, causing absolute carnage. When he was so badly injured during the 1991 cup final, I had been all the Spurs

players’ agent and in those days all the money from that would go into a pool. Gazza was the biggest star in Europe then, a monster special player. He had by far the biggest share. I went to see him in the hospital and he was fairly low over the injury. “Here you are bubbalah, here’s your cheque for £9,050,” I said. “What do I d with that?” he replied. “You could try putting it in the bank, you fucking schmuck.” “No,” he replied. “I’m laid up here in hospital, it’s no good to me. Give it to all the trainees and young lads at the club who don’t get paid.” That sums the lad up. Monster, monster heart in him. If you’re reading this my old bubbalah, I hope you’re getting the help you need and we get you back soon. ■ loaded Follow Eric on Twitter @ericbubbalah

The Geordie Emperor was impressed

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WHERE

Still getting smashed we see

ARE THEY NOW?

TREVOR & SIMON GET OUT THE MASHER, FOR OUR FAVOURITE POTATO-FLINGING DUO ARE BACK IN ACTION

ILLUSTRATION: ANDY DAWSON & TIM MAJOR PICS: REX TREV AND SIMON WORDS: JOHNNY CIGARETTES

I

f two oddly-dressed men in wigs asked a child to ‘Swing their pants’ in this godless, post-Savile age, they’d probably find themselves the subject of some serious scrutiny from Her Majesty’s Constabulary. But 20 years ago, they did it on BBC One every Saturday morning. The men concerned were the Singing Corner, close friends of Trev and Simon, the comedy duo who lit up Going Live and Live and Kicking in the late ‘80s and ‘90s. But since their disappearance from telly, their regular guests have also gone AWOL. We felt it our duty to investigate. We soon found a sporadically updated website, trevandsimon.com, and made contact with the pair, who now eek out a living as writers for various disreputable children’s telly programmes. “We still get recognized in the street,” admits Trevor ‘Trev’ Neil, the taller, usuallystanding-on-the-left-of-your-screen one of the pair. “People shout ‘Swing your pants’ or ‘We don’t do duvets!’ Although they then say, ‘Hey, it’s the Chuckle brothers!’” “People sometimes ask me, ‘Are you Trevor and Simon’,” adds Trev’s partner Simon

Trev and Simon now

‘Simon’ Hickson. “I have to say ‘No’. Sometimes I then add ‘but I am Simon’. Or sometimes I just walk away.” And their famous protégés? Well, YouTube reveals a clip of Trev and Simon interviewing Don Singing and Bob Corner and hear harrowing yet heart-warming tales of prison, rehab and Scandinavian festival appearances. “I think they were bullied,” admits Trev. “They’re quite sensitive, and kids are cruel.” Simon agrees. “Most of the people who appeared on our show had tragic lives,” he adds. “We were a refuge for them. Most people who have tragic lives can find comfort in Phillip Schofield.”

carp, dogs and monkeys

Mystery still shrouds the whereabouts of other regular guests, such as the badger-

bearded necromancers from World of the Strange. “Someone told me they are running a carp fishing shop in Dartford called Seize the Carp,” jokes Simon. Simon is now a regular tweeter and blogger, and his latest venture is setting up a blog for his dog, Stan Tenchard, a miniature schnauzer. “He won’t be cute or cuddly,” he promises, “and won’t be saying nice thing about other dogs. He’ll be talking about news like Iranian monkeys going to space.” And as ever, if you have to ask why, children, you will never understand. ■ loaded Visit trevandsimon.com for more

CHRIS BAXTER: LIFE COACH ON A RUN OF BAD LUCK, EH? SHIT HAPPENS SUNSHINE.

I’M A GOOD MAN BUT EVERYTHING I TRY GOES WRONG. I CAN’T GET ANY GOOD LUCK!

YOU NEED A SPELL IN MY COUNTRYSIDE SPA RETREAT. GRAND A DAY.

REMEMBER – THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS AND YOU’LL FUCKING ACE THIS.

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noise

LOADED’S

GRILLING

LIVING IN A UTOPIA NATHAN STEWART JARRETT GETS GRILLED

A

familiar face to anyone who likes dead good telly, Nathan Stewart Jarrett first appeared on our radar as Curtis Donovan in the ace TV show Misfits. He was the one who could tamper with time, resurrect the dead and change into a woman at the drop of a knob. His new show, Utopia, is a conspiracy thriller on crack that’ll turn your mind into milkshake with its twists and turns and your fingers into nail-less stubs with its proper grizzly violence. We got him on the blower to find out what all the bloody fuss is about...

‘Ere, Nathan, explain this Utopia thing to us one more time,

It’s about a graphic novel that contains governmental secrets called The Utopia Experiments which is basically life or death if you’ve got hold of it. We as a small group of people have got it and a group separate to the government are after us and want to kill us and contain those secrets. It unravels throughout the course of the series as to what is in the graphic novel and why the stakes are high...

Sounds bonkers. What went through your mind when you first read it?

WORDS: SIMON BLAND

Oh I thought it was amazing. Literally the only thing I thought when I finished one episode was: ‘What’s next?’ I literally kept on going. I just thought they were really well written. The characters were so rounded and the plot was gripping.

Are you a master of talking about it without letting spoilers slip?

Oh god no, I’m not the master at all. I feel like I should get a stress ball so I don’t say the wrong thing.

Your character Ian is a mega-geek. Are you the same?

I’m geeky. It’s not something I hold

SAVING NATH Nathan’s pedigree is so impressive that he was actually in Casualty twice, playing two different characters.

MISFIT

Nathan’s character in Misfits could control time and… erm, turn into a woman.

UTOPIA

In drama Utopia, Nathan is targeted by the “Network” after discovering a comic that predicts the future.

up high, I don’t really think it’s much of a secret. I don’t really read graphic novels. I’ve read a few but they’re not something that I read often. Am I geeky? I dunno, it’s like someone saying ‘Are you cool?’ I don’t think anyone who is actually cool would say that. So I’m probably not a geek and I’m definitely not cool.

The show’s got some proper fucked up bits in it. Had any angry letters?

Actually everything that’s been said to me has has been really lovely. It’s been really supportive and really keen on the show but that could just mean they’re being polite, I don’t know. Everyone’s been in awe about how it looks and the music. It’s been a good response.

When’s the last time you were shocked at something on telly?

When I was a little bit younger I was shocked by Irreversible. That’s still one of the most shocking things I’ve ever watched. There’s something about the opening scene and obviously the middle scene that everyone knows that just makes you viscerally feel sick.

Utopia’s full of bad people doing bad things. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done? Don’t worry, we won’t tell. I think my philosophy on that one is ‘Never apologise, never explain’.

It’s crammed with conspiracy theories too. Are you a conspiracy nut? Aliens could exist, you know...

Do I believe in aliens? I’d be overjoyed if there are aliens out there but I don’t

know if I believe it or not. Little green things – I’m not too sure if they’d be possible but it’d be great if there were aliens. As long as they don’t kill us. I love that every time we talk about aliens they always want to kill us. They’re never friendly.

You were on Misfits but you died. That’s pretty shit...

Yeah it was really upsetting partly because I’ve never done a character for that long so it was letting go of this thing that I had created. You kind of mourn that which was strange but I started Utopia straight away so I didn’t have time to twiddle my thumbs, sit at home and cry into my Corn Flakes. Every time you do something for a certain period of time you have to know when to say goodbye.

Curtis could resurrect the dead. If you could do that, who’d you bring back?

Wow, that’s massive, you could go for Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr, James Dean. Do they come back as corpses or them in their prime?

Erm... you have the power to pick. We’re thinking too much into this, aren’t we?

Yeah, we are thinking way too far into this. Maybe some Tudor stuff, like King Arthur would be great, wouldn’t he?

If you had to fight another Superhero who would it be?

I’d go for Banana-Man. Come on! I think that’s the safest bet.. ■ loaded UTOPIA is available to own on DVD and blu-ray from 11th March loaded.co.uk l 031

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LOADED GIVES YOU WINGS

RED BULL BOY LOADED MEETS THE FAILED RACING DRIVER WHO WENT ON TO RUN THE FASTEST F1 TEAM ON THE PLANET

R

ed Bull doesn’t just give you wings. For some it also gives you four wheels that can propel you around a racetrack and land you a top F1 team. Step forward Christian Horner, the principle and mastermind behind Red Bull Racing who led the team to three championship doubles in the past three years. Many hail him as the man who could ultimately succeed Bernie Ecclestone as the top man in Formula 1. Born in Leamington Spa, he was a world away from bright lights and fast cars. School was a place for fun rather than to gain any academic achievements. It was also the time he found his love for speed. “I was always fascinated by it and used any contraption I could find to ride round the local farm,” he recalls. “I then discovered the world of motor racing through go-karting at 12 years old.”

WORDS: PAUL WEAVER PICS: ALASTAIR PULLEN

old banger

And like any pre-teen boy worth his stripes he pestered his parents until they gave in and got him his very own go-kart. “My mother eventually succumbed. It was a beaten up old wreck that turned out to be too low to drive round the garden. So we went up to the local track and suddenly I discovered this world you could race in. I was fascinated by it.” And the rest, as they say, is history. But in case you’re not familiar with this particular story we’ll continue. Horner’s career officially started after winning a Formula Renault scholarship in 1991. He also had stints in the British F3 and F2 before realising that his heart wasn’t in racing, but rather running a team. “I was always honest with myself and I recognised that there were some very gifted

“MYFIRSTKARTWASABEATEN UPOLDWRECKTHATTURNED OUTTOBETOOSLOWTODRIVE ROUNDMYGARDEN.THENI DISCOVEREDTHELOCALTRACK”

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drivers out there, and that I was never going to make it as a racing driver.” Recalling the moment when it dawned on him, he looks back at it matter of factly. “It was early in the 1998 season in Portugal. I followed Juan Pablo Montoya into turn one – a really big, quick corner where you need a lot of control, speed and balls. Watching him, I accepted that I couldn’t do what he did, disconnecting brain from foot.” And at 25 after that realisation teamed with the knowledge he didn’t want to say goodbye to the racing world altogether, it was driving career out and management career in. “I fell into it almost by accident. It was a means to an end and I recognised fairly quickly that the future for me lay outside the cockpit. I don’t

philosophy throughout my career” He sees his job as a motivator rather than a dictator. “We have some wonderfully gifted people at Red Bull. I don’t see it as my role to tell them how to do their job. What is important is to make sure that they feel empowered, that they feel comfortable in their surroundings, clear on what the objectives and targets are. And I do my very best to ensure that as many obstacles as possible are removed.”

life coach

Well, if all this racing stuff goes tits up for Horner he’s got sure fire career as a life coach or motivational speaker. “My role is to make sure that everybody else is picked up and

things. And having achieved what we have, the fear is now not keeping the winning going. It is the fear of failure that keeps me motivated.” And if flying around racetracks isn’t enough of an adrenalin kick, he also pilots helicopters on the side. “That’s a total release because you have to empty your head and totally concentrate on what you’re doing. You can’t be distracted when you’re doing that.” Let’s hope he was never distracted while racing either. On top of all of this, he found the time last year to run a half marathon for charity around Silverstone. “It was probably the slowest lap Silverstone has ever seen,” he jokes.

noise

noise

“WINNING LAST YEAR WAS OUR BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT. TO DO IT AGAIN MEANS WE HAVE JOINED A VERY ELITE GROUP OF TEAMS” have any engineering background. I’m an ex-racing driver who had some commercial nous to put some sponsorship deals together to finance my own racing team.”

champion

Forming the Arden team they continued in the International F3000 series winning a succession of championships, which in turn caught the eye of Red Bull owner Dietrich Mateschitz. When Mateschitz moved over to Formula One in 2005, he recruited the then 31-year-old Horner to run the show. Grabbing the opportunity with both hands, and feet, Red Bull were winning races and by 2010 won the first of its three double world championships. “Winning again last year was our biggest achievement as a team. To have won successive world titles…. It only sunk in over the Christmas period exactly what we had achieved. We have joined a very elite group of teams.” Although modest in many ways, he knows where his strengths lie and isn’t afraid to highlight them “I always felt I was good at getting the best out of people. Whether that was talking them into paying me a few quid to sponsor me or, when I started running a team, to get the most out of engineers, mechanics and technicians. I’ve adopted the same

brushed down. It’s a very fast-moving All this and the man’s not even hit 40 yet. He industry. You don’t have time to reflect too sets the bar high in life achievements – and much. I think Formula One is the epitome of makes us want to reach for the nearest can of team sport. We’re big teams. There are 500 energy drink. ■ loaded people here in Milton Keynes and there are an Read more in Formula magazine, out now awful lot of talented individuals. But you’ve got to work collectively as a All because group if you’re going to achieve the lady ultimate success.” loves... See what we mean? The whole ‘don’t dwell, keep pushing forward, no I in team work’ type of attitude. But Horner’s affable manner disguises the fiercest, most determined of competitors. It can be argued that in Formula One he is the most driven of them all, with an immense will to win, an almost forensic eye for detail and a flair for brokering deals that goes back to his days as a struggling racer. “I’ve always been ambitious, always been driven and wanted to achieve

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loaded in association with racing post

FRENCH OPEN

The most open Open ever?

THE GRAND NATIONAL

Clever punters should back Chicago Grey

PICS: GETTY

T

HE John Smith’s Grand National is the famous contest draws in punters from all walks of life, including mad gamblers who happily punt on snail racing to your gran who annually splits her quid between the outsider and the dashing grey. So, where should punters invest their hardearned cash this year? The mount of Tony McCoy naturally attracts support, but the world’s greatest jump jockey often waits until days before the race to select his National ride and the obvious place to start is Seabass. The Irish-trained beast ran an almighty race

to finish third on his first start in the National 12 months ago under jockey Katie Walsh, riding for her father Ted, and has excellent claims this year. Seabass has a decent racing weight and is available at 14-1.. At a much-bigger price, Chicago Grey catches the eye. Neptune Collonges became the first grey to win the National for more than 50 years in 2012 and Chicago Grey could repeat the feat. His trainer Gordon Elliott won the race with a 33-1 shot in 2007 and Chicago Grey, currently available at 40-1, has the right credentials for the National.

FORMULA

Forget Red Bull, the smart punter should look to Felipe Massa

F

1 starts on March 17 with Sebastian Vettel and his Red Bull team going for their fourth consecutive championships. It’s easy to make a case for Fernando Alonso claiming his third world title. His Ferrari was a

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terrible car in the first half of last season yet he missed out on the crown only at the final race in Brazil. But Felipe Massa is more interesting. The Brazilian started last year with such dismal performances but he ended the

WITH uncertainty surrounding Rafael Nadal, the annual gathering in Paris in May for the French Open clay-court championship promises to be one of the most closely fought in recent history. Nadal returned from a seven-month break due to reported injury and stomach problems in Chile in February but he was pipped to the Vina del Mar title by in-form Horacio Zeballos. The Pearl of Manacor, who was ranked just fifth in the world in February, was hoping to go one better on his beloved slow red terrain in Brazil immediately after his Chile setback, but Nadal can expect to have to fight hard if he is to claim a eighth Roland Garros crown in nine years. Novak Djokovic posed big problems for Nadal on clay last year and it’s little surprise that the world No. 1 is running the Majorcan close in the battle for French Open favouritism. However, while Serbian ace Djokovic, Roger Federer and British No. 1 Murray should all enter calculations on the clay, the each-way value lies with megatalented Juan Martin del Potro providing the Argentinian powerhouse strips fitter in Paris this year than last.

campaign in his best form since his crash in 2009 and often he had to sacrifice his own race to help Alonso’s title charge. If he can carry that form through to this year he might not be far off Alonso in the final points table and an each-way bet on Massa will give a better return if he ends up in the top three than a win bet on Alonso.

2/22/13 1:25:18 PM

noise “And she’s off”

LOADED

AT THE RACES

MY LIDL PONY

LOADED SADDLE UP FOR THE GRAND NATIONAL STEEPLECHASE

O

n a freezing February morning loaded sent our journalist off to Newmarket to see what it takes to be a jump jockey. The British Racing School is in the heart of the horse racing mecca and it was there that two former professional jockeys were going to put us through our paces, ahead of the Grand National. The biggest steeplechase of the year is without a doubt one of the most exhilarating races to watch – 40 or so horses thundering round a four-mile course, 30 jumps at five foot high, jockey’s all a dash of colourful silks. For the jockeys, it’s glory, glamour and a mammoth cash prize if they win.

WORDS: HAYLEY COYLE PICS: NAKI

robohorse

Jockeys must be astoundingly fit to endure the eight-minute Grand National. And as jockey coach Richard Perham told loaded, they must also be as “in good a shape as Usain Bolt”. Five-minute planks to strengthen their core, thousands of squats so they can hold the short stirrup position, no eating after 6pm before a race… So the plan was for loaded to have a go on a mechanical horse that was supposed to simulate racing at Aintree, and learn how to fall off, were a real horse to fail to clear a fence. We weren’t too worried, if you can manage to stay on a bucking bronco in a bar while drunk then how hard could this be? But after about 90 seconds into the steeplechase, the horse galloping at about 30mph, our thighs are screaming, sweat is

pouring and we’re barely keeping our balance. At which point visiting professional jump jockey Sam Twiston-Davies took pity on us and hopped on robohorse to finish the race, barely breaking a sweat. The 20-year-old has been one of the youngest riders to compete in the Grand National – first competing at just 17. This year will be his fourth and each time he has ranked in the top 10.

“Oooooh”

injury prone

While Twiston-Davies has been lucky when it comes to injuries, his brother Willy, also a jockey, has suffered a broken leg, ankle and collarbone in only the last few months. Indeed AP McCoy claims that he has broken every bone in his body in the sport. So it’s vital that jockeys train how to fall – a bit like a stuntman. So off for our next lesson with former pro Steve Smith-Eccles. Known for his love of women and whisky, he told loaded that we’d need to be up to scratch physically to try the daddy of robohorses, the ‘equichute’ – a 17-hand fake horse that shoots forward before tipping its rider off. After diving around on a medicine ball loaded were deemed (barely) tough enough. Smith-Eccles said: “Falling at some point is inevitable. You need to know how to fall properly because it’s not just the fall that can hurt you, it’s what’s behind – the other horses.” So while jockeys may look impish, in reality they are pretty tough. loaded takes its (riding) hat off to them. ■ loaded

Going, going...

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WORST

Some argued that Prescott’s jaw was a big target

EVER ENGLISHMEN

noise

JOHN PRESCOTT SURE, THE FORMER DEPUTY PM’S NO SAINT, BUT HE PACKS A MIGHTY PUNCH

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n a political landscape populated almost exclusively by smoothtalking oil slicks in suits, John Prescott is the roughest of rough diamonds. Here is a man who couldn’t say ‘let me be perfectly clear…’ before spouting vague, platitudinous bullshit even if he wanted to. Because he can’t speak clearly while spouting vague, platitudinous bullshit – his words tend to get mixed up. But give him credit. Prezza failed his 11-plus exam at school, and left without qualifications to join the Merchant Navy, before educating himself and rising through the ranks as a no-nonsense (OK, some nonsense) Deputy Prime Minister.

GREAT POLITICAL PUGILISTS

WORDS: : JOHNNY CIGARETTES ILLO: WILLIAM HARRIS

goblike genius

“Every time Prescott opens his mouth,” said privately-educated Guardian columnist Simon Hoggart, “It’s like someone has flipped open his head and stuck in an egg whisk.” To which the only reasonable reply is: “Oh shit off, you posh cunt.” We suspect that’s one sentence the former MP for East Hull would have no trouble with. Admittedly, some regard Prescott as a hypocrite, given his decision in 2010 to accept a peerage and a place in the House of Lords after years of saying he wouldn’t. But his crime is surely just the equivalent of The Clash signing for a major label. A bit rich, but better to be inside the tent pissing out than outside pissing in. Many also argued that it was rather rich for him, as Transport Minister, to recommend that the public take fewer journeys by car, while he was using his infamous ‘two jags’. But come on – his own was a second-hand one and the other one was a government car provided for official engagements. Call off the dogs!

ERIC JOYCE MP

The Labour member for Falkirk nutted a Tory in a commons bar last year

FABIO RANIERI

Fought with fellow MP Claudio Barbato in a row over pension law reforms in Italy

NAZIFA ZAKI

The female MP threw a bottle at a rival and punched her in the Afghan parliament

Smeck!

OK, so he also took a 250-yard journey on four wheels to get from his hotel to the Labour conference in 1999. A lesser politician would have claimed a sudden flare-up of an old knee injury sustained playing hide the sausage at Eton. But Prezza just shrugged and said: “The wife doesn’t like having her hair blown about. Have you got any more stupid questions?”

face the prezza

Anyone who has seen Pauline Prescott will be able to understand instantly that this is not an easy lady to defy. Yet defy her he did, in secret liaisons with his diary secretary, Tracey Temple. It was an affair that was criticised by many hundreds of hacks who would’ve done the same thing given half a chance. But hang on, said the finger-waggers – he gave her one in his grace and favour flat in Whitehall! And may have wiped the Prescottian pork sword on the taxpayer’s curtains afterwards, for all we know! But where was he supposed to do it? In the disabled bogs at Westminster? And once again, he never tried to make up some excuse about offering her extra dictation lessons, but simply said (roughly), “It’s a fair cop. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my plums are late for an urgent appointment with my wife’s sharpest skewer.”

Ultimately, though, he could have strangled a litter of kittens and would still be a legend, thanks to one glorious moment. We refer, of course, to The Day The Deputy Prime Minister Chinned A Protestor. He was on the campaign trail in 2001 when the pro-bloodsports Countryside Alliance gathered to heckle him for trying to ban fox hunting. Then six-foot, mullet-sporting harecoursing enthusiast Craig Evans threw an egg at our hero. Bad move. It was the beauty of the punch that sealed the moment eternally in British folklore. Not a wild, easily avoidable haymaker from this former navy boxing champ. It was the instinctive leading jab of a seasoned pugilist. As such, the recipient, still sporting a smug, lookwhat-I-done grin as fist hit flesh, clearly ‘didn’t know what hit him, didn’t have time to ask’, as Ice-T once put it. Naturally, the Hullraiser had to answer to the boss. “Tony Blair rang me and he said ‘Are you OK?’” Prezza later recalled, “and I said ‘Yes’, and he said ‘Well, what happened?’ I said, ‘I was just carrying out your orders. You told us to connect with the electorate, so I did.” Remove all previous misdemeanours from the record, your honour, and anoint this man ■ loaded loaded.co.uk l 037

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MACCA’S

Britain’s top football columnist, Paul McCarthy, gives his views on the big issues in football, only in loaded

“Yes Chris, final answer”

PICS: GETTY

WOUNDED RAFA ENDS CAPTAIN’S TYRANNY JOHN TERRY IN NUMBERS

HEIGHT

6’1”

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hoever the next Chelsea manager is – and given Abramovich’s track record, it could be any one of us – they’ll owe a debt of gratitude to the Fat Spanish Waiter. Because, bless his cotton socks, Rafa Benitez has taken on the one task which has eluded every Chelsea manager and started pulling down the curtain down on John Terry’s Stamford Bridge career. Benitez probably knew he had nothing to lose, that the hatred Chelsea fans have for him – plus results of some mediocrity – mean there’s no chance of him getting the nod, so why not do Roman’s bidding? He’s not done a proper job on Terry just yet but there’s a beginning. The interim Chelsea manager has pulled few punches in his dismantling of Terry’s tyranny. The pair may

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WORLD

Think Macca’s talking garbage? Then send him a message. Just don’t expect a polite response... macca@loaded.co.uk

“I don’t envisage I will be captain again but for two England managers I was first choice. I’m proud of that”

have publicly denied a dressing room confrontation but there are enough whispers out of Cobham to suggest Rafa is taking a sledgehammer to Terry’s power base. Too slow. Too injury prone. Too rash. The evidence has been there for all to see in a season that has been irrevocably plagued by controversy and injuries.

end game

And Benitez hasn’t shirked the task of reminding everybody that Terry is, at long last, fallible. For the first time in his illustrious if serially pock-marked Chelsea career, Terry is vulnerable. Being found guilty of racism didn’t do it. Endangering Chelsea’s Champions League dreams with a needless semi-final red card last season didn’t do it. Hijacking the celebrations in full kit didn’t diminish his standing. Even constantly tarnishing the club’s name through a combination of greed, stupidity and inappropriate liaisons with a team-mate’s missus had failed to hole Terry below the water-line. For he was always Captain, Leader, Legend, the Shed’s anti-hero made flesh. The more he was reviled outside SW6, the more he was loved by the Blue faithful who’d forgive him anything and everything. Even if his team-mates disliked the way Terry

RED CARDS

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“The joke goes that it was nice of Terry to let Roman have his yacht for the rest of the year”

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CHELSEA GOALS

Liverpool: devoid of good barbers

desperate scousewives

Jamie Carragher will be wasted as a Sky pundit when he hangs up his boots at the end of the season. No, Carra should grasp the nettle of reality television, rope in his dad Philly and the rest of the extended Carragher clan and go for Liverpool’s answer to TOWIE. For those of us privileged to get a sneak preview of a live pilot during the 2006 World Cup in Baden Baden, House of Scouse would be an absolute smash. Manchester: devoid of sensible barbers

giant and his aged comrades and was beaten into submission, a man left isolated and defeated as Abramovich bottled the biggest decision of his Chelsea reign and backed the dressing room rather than his manager. That was Terry’s last hurrah. Even his presence couldn’t protect Roberto Di Matteo and in came Benitez, armed with a remit to batter the big beasts. Ashley Cole is saved because he’s still, arguably, the best left back in Europe. But for Frank Lampard there is no respite while Terry’s days are numbered. He’ll rail against the dying of the light, of course he will. The combination of streetfighter and wily politician will mean there will be no gentle retreat. Yet for all that, he’ll lose. Chelsea simply don’t need him the way they used to. The flaws of age and injury mean he is no longer indispensable, no longer the first name on a team-sheet which is fresher, cleaner

STINTS AS ENGLAND CAPTAIN

and not weighed down with the baggage Terry inevitably brings. And like the statue of Saddam lying in Baghdad dust, Terry’s demise will herald the newest of eras at Stamford Bridge, one that is much needed and long overdue. ■ loaded

football

often made his dressing room dominance plain, there was always grudging admiration and respect for the way he never once let his off-field crises impair his leadership once Chelsea crossed the white line. Abramovich and the Bridge hierarchy may have yearned for the day when Terry’s power could be diluted but they created the monster – and could never find anybody to control it. When Abramovich gave Terry the run of his super yachts one summer as a reward for being named Chelsea player of the year, the joke was that it was nice of JT to let Roman have it for the rest of the year. Jose Mourinho tried to rein Terry in. Big mistake. Terry quietly flexed his muscles behind the scenes and Mourinho was gone. Avram Grant simply allowed Terry to rule the roost, being too weak to even bother to try and control him. Guus Hiddink and Carlo Ancelotti recognised the captain’s strength but weren’t around long enough to suffer the malignant influence which did for Andre Villas Boas. The Portuguese whippersnapper took on the

Chelsea: devoid of good barbers

why only me?

I’m not exactly pining for Mario Balotelli. I just feel desperately sorry for him as he endures with a forced smile the insidious racist bigotry from the terraces and even his own Milan boardroom. Manchester may not have been perfect, but at least it didn’t destroy his dignity.

best of the best

I need your help nominating players for Footballer of the Year. Tweet me @PaulMcCarthy66 and make your case.

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CLASS

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WORDS: HAYLEY COYLE PICS: GETTY, PA

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WHEN BALOTELLI CROSSED MOURINHO A new biography reveals the inside story of how football’s top troublemaker locked horns with its biggest ego

he erstwhile enfant terrible of the Premier League made a defiant debut for AC Milan. Mario Balotelli smashed two goals on his Serie A debut, against Udinese on February 3, just days after Manchester City decided they’d had enough of the maverick striker. He scored again the following weekend. All of which is bad news for the Italian international’s legion of critics, who would have loved him to do something daft: have a row with another player, fake an injury, turn up in the wrong strip – anything to cement his reputation as an unpredictable nutcase. But at the time of writing, he is managing to rein it in. He’s even keeping his cool amid racist abuse from opposing fans. And it’s all the more satisfying for the man City fans called “Super Mario” – since his £19.5 million move to Milan he has not only shown critics what he’s really made of, but done it at the club he supported as a boy, in the same city where he first made his reputation, then fell out spectacularly with the fans, team-mates and manager. There would have been no way back to Milan for Mario... had those previous Italian indiscretions not been in the black and blue striped shirt of AC Milan’s bitter cross-city rivals, Internazionale.

too much, too young

The fact that Mario Balottelli, at the age of just 22, is the subject of a biography, Why Always Me?, is a reflection of just how eventful his footballing career has been so far. Yellow cards, red cards, letting off fireworks in his bathroom, throwing darts at

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football youth players – the stories just from his two and a half seasons at the Etihad stadium are already legion. Why Always Me? charts his progress from a bullied, troubled kid - fostered out to a wealthy white family aged two – to international sports star. It also covers his rise to fame at Inter Milan, with whom he won three consecutive Serie A titles. Jose Mourinho managed him through the latter two of those seasons, and from as early as January 2009 it was clear that “The Special One” didn’t think the then 18-year-old Ghanaian Italian’s attitude was up to scratch. “A young boy like him cannot allow himself to train less than people like Figo, Córdoba, and Zanetti,” he moaned. Relations between the pair came to a head in March 2010, when Mario was dropped for Inter’s 1-0 win over Chelsea at Stamford Bridge following a training ground spat. His own team-mates publically criticised his attitude, then a week later, he really put his foot in it. Appearing on Italian comedy show Striscia La Noticia, Balotelli was given an AC Milan shirt featuring his name and number – much to the delight of the self-proclaimed Milanista. The Striscia cameras later caught Mario wearing the shirt off-set, causing his agent to get defensive, arguing it couldn’t be taken seriously and depicting him as a “boy of 19 who may not understand the consequences of what he does.” Few bought the excuse, and Mario was forced to make a public apology on the Inter Milan website. It seemed he might still turn over a new leaf when he was welcomed back into the squad after apologising during the week following his falling-out with Mourinho, and helped Inter

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stay ahead of Roma in the Serie A title race with a 3-1 victory at home to Bologna.

the final conflict

Then on 20 April, amid the euphoria of Inter’s 3-1 first leg win over Barcelona at the San Siro (a vital result that would help them go on to win the Champions League), he really hit the self-destruct button. Mario had only come on as a late sub, and an early error lit his notoriously short fuse. Italian sports newspaper La Gazetta dello

of disapproval, saying, “He can’t allow himself to behave like this. He needs to understand that the fans, at a match like this, can be edgy.’ Inter’s managing director Ernesto Paolillo called Balotelli’s gesture “appalling”. But it was Mourinho who would hammer in the final nail on Mario’s Nerazzuri coffin as he told Italian TV, “I remember thousands of pieces of advice I got in Italy because I wanted to try to educate a talented player. Today... with the eyes of the world watching, an ugly thing happened.”’ Meanwhile, in Manchester, another Italian

“He went to the parking garage after the game to leave, but a group of fans tried to attack him” Sport explained the breach thus: “The misunderstanding with the Nerazzurri fans started when Mario misplayed a counterattack: The lad, on hearing the complaints from the stands, was not impressed. “He lost his head, insulting the fans (reading his lips made that clear) during and after the match. After the match... the striker went down to the parking garage to get into his car and leave, but a group of fans approached him and tried to attack him. Security personnel from the club managed to move the aggressors away so that the player could leave the stadium.’ However, that was the extent of the backing he would get from his club and team-mates. Captain Zanetti led the chorus

named Mancini was looking for a striker. And he, too, thought he could tame Super Mario. He would also be proved wrong... ■ loaded Why Always Me? is published by John Blake books, priced £11.99 It’s a wonder how the photographer managed to track down Mario...

2/22/13 1:37:51 PM

The investigation centres on whether Debrecen threw the game for Dirk Kuyt’s goal for Liverpool

EURO BUNCH OF CHEATS?

Nearly seven years after Italian football was humiliated with its biggest teams being charged for match fixing, a new investigation suggests rigging has been rife in European football

WORDS: JAMES HARTNETT PICS: GETTY

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n 2006, three of Italy’s biggest clubs, Serie A’s Juventus, Lazio and Fiorentina, were relegated as punishment for partaking in one of football’s most elaborate match fixing scams ever – just days after the national team were celebrating winning the World Cup final against France. Except a new investigation reveals much of Europe may have been rigging games too. As loaded goes to press, there’s far more happening behind the scenes, with UEFA uncovering a match-fixing scandal ranging from World Cup qualifiers to European matches, from Turkey to well, here.

Liverpool’s 2009 Champions League tie against Hungarian outfit Debrecen is one of around 680 matches under investigation for corruption, with ring-leaders shackling a fleet of global clubs and officials to throw games. Despite Liverpool releasing a statement saying they were not being accused of any wrongdoing, the ordeal leaves questions as to what is happening in other leagues.

The trend exploded in February 2011 courtesy of Singaporean match-fixer Wilson Raj Perumal, who was hardly discreet about his actions. Alarm bells rang almost instantaneously after two back-to-back international friendlies saw seven penalties dished out. Bolivia beat Latvia 2-1, whilst Estonia and Bulgaria finished in a 2-2 stalemate. All seven goals were scored from

Sepp Blatter’s zero tolerance policy seems to have fallen on deaf ears in the Asian markets

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the spot. Perumal wasn’t finished, and he netted a tidy £130,000 for bribing Finnish league players to throw games – not a bad return for a two-year prison sentence. This plague has since gone global. More than 70 German games are being investigated, with Liverpool another club to have possibly fallen victim to match-fixing after the Debrecen goalkeeper was allegedly paid off to fix the result. Though the Merseyside outfit aren’t suspected of wrongdoing during the match, it’s just one example from hundreds of how discreet and easy this since-now untapped scandal can be.

Match-fixer Wilson Raj Perumal

Detection remains extremely difficult, with often illegal betting rings feeling the full force of these gamblers’ guaranteed success. Taking candy from a baby is proving harder to perfect for the Perumals of the world who have perfected their trade. Players are quickly tapped up and referees caught red-handed, yet the masterminds behind the process are far more silky. So much for Sepp Blatter’s “zero tolerance” policy on match manipulation – this has certainly fallen on deaf ears, at least as far as Asian markets are concerned. Over in the UK, this is a far different story. £5bn was invested in the UK gambling scene last year, making it near impossible to track each single bet. That said, rigid structures are in place to alert bookies of any suspicious behaviour with British-based firms unaffected by the debacle. A fleet of bookmakers are members of the European Sports Security Association, which focuses on cracking down on illegal betting behaviour and installing betting limits for punters. William Hill say of their in-house risk management systems that it “provides a sensitive barometer for all trading markets, and will flag-up any anomalies or unexpected betting. If we have anything to report, we will work closely with our regulators to proactively

Nearly £5bn was invested in British gambling last year – making it impossible to track every bet provide details of the very rare incidents that might look out of the ordinary.” Richard Thomas of William Hill indicated that danger of suspicious activity is highly unlikely, with corruption occurring away from licensed bookmakers, where there is a prohibition on betting. Ladbrokes are also up to scratch with their technology, and were quick to hasten a warning. “Investigations so far centre very much on Eastern Europe and Far Eastern betting syndicates so are very focused on the illegal betting market in the Far East. These criminals are only too aware that any suspicious betting activity via regulated operators would be reported and result in criminal investigations.”

One game being investigated is between Liverpool and Debrecen

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football

tapped up

With safeguards in place, our bookmakers are protected. The biggest knock-on effect as far as we’re concerned is the enjoyment factor – in a fixed match, one doesn’t exist. Sure, we’d love to see four penalties in a game, but when it’s staged the dynamics of football are shredded and the essence of competitive sport is in tatters. We may as well tune in to Jeff Stelling’s army at 5pm on a Saturday and read the scores than follow a fixed match. In the UK this isn’t the case. Corrupt syndication in the East doesn’t just mean local games will be affected, though. Germany and Italy have experienced ample fixed matches, but with the rise of internet betting it’s easier to keep tabs on wrongdoing over here. Let’s hope it stays that way. ■ loaded

Vukasin Poleksic stands accused of throwing games

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bali

features

Words JOHNNY CIGARETTES and DYLAN HALLIHAN

...but loaded reveals an island of sex, drugs and firing squads loaded.co.uk l 047

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bali

PHOTOS BY KATHRYN BONELLA & PA

indsay Sandiford feared the worst. Convicted of smuggling 4.7kg of cocaine into the Indonesian island of Bali, the prosecution were pressing for a sentence of 15 years. As a grandmother of 56, she might not live to see the end of a stretch that long, and besides, the horrors said to await in prisons such as the Kerobokan (aka ‘Hotel K’), might be considered a fate worse than death in themselves. But all did not seem lost. She had, after all, helped police catch two of the people who she claimed supplied the drugs to her – British antiques dealer Julian Ponder and his girlfriend Rachel Dougall, and their friend Paul Beales. Although they were only convicted of possession, they were given lenient sentences (by Balinese standards) of between one and six years. Was that a good omen? As it turned out, when the panel of judges announced their verdict that day in May 2012, they chose not to hand down the maximum sentence requested by the prosecution. She would be sentenced to death. By firing squad. There were gasps in the courtroom at the severity of the sentence. Sandiford had shown no remorse, one judge explained. She had not given ‘straight answers’. And her actions, they said, had tainted Bali’s tourist-friendly image. At the time loaded went to press, their verdict had not been overturned by any appeals process. And whatever becomes of Sandiford,

she is certainly far from the first person to receive the ultimate penalty for drug offences on this idyllic tourist island.

life on the razor’s edge

So what rewards could possibly justify anyone risking their life to smuggle class ‘A’s into this place? Australian journalist Kathryn Bonella’s new book Snowing in Bali goes some way to explaining. Her account of the drug culture on this party-mad island is full of real-life accounts from those involved. They reveal an island that remains a mecca for hedonists whose hearts are set on living the lavish lifestyle that comes with the drug game. Snowing in Bali’s first three chapters are entitled ‘Island of the Sex Gods’, ‘Coming to Paradise’ and “Sniff, Drink, Live’. If this doesn’t give you some idea of the delights on offer if you’re prepared to take the risk, then you need only read a few recollections of charismatic former Bali drug baron Rafael. “I have two girls kissing me,” he says. “They take off their bikinis, they jump into the pool, pull me in and they attack me a little bit.” Enough to answer any queries? Still not convinced? Okay… “It was full of beautiful people at the club. Beautiful girls – Russians, Australians, Swedish – come with small bikinis, lay down, their big ass up. Everyone topless, beautiful.” For many young South Americans like Rafael, an innocent love for surfing was the initial draw

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features

Drug dealer Rafael’s house, complete with diving board off his bedroom balcony

One of the more agreeable cells at Kerobokan prison

to Bali, combined with the lure of white sand beaches and beautiful women from all around the world. Good times and natural highs are on offer in abundance, before the offer of a little chemical sustenance and the chance to earn untold riches to keep up that playboy lifestyle lead into a corrupt, paranoid, dog-eat-dog world of gangs and guns.

bali - back in business

Traffickers have been known to hide cocaine in windsurf booms

Despite terrorist atrocities in 2002 and 2005 targetting tourists – a reminder that Islamic militants are still a force here – foreigners are now back in bigger numbers than ever. The waves may offer a channel into the island, but as the sun sets and the surfboards are forced into retirement for the night, a lavish new world dawns on visitors, with parties that make Project X look as innocent as a night out with the Toy Story gang. Bonella’s book reveals how people get sucked into the drug lifestyle, via the surfing and the partying, then have to deal and eventually traffic to maintain their own expensive habits. ‘Snowing in Bali’ is a euphemism often coined on the paradise island, indicating that the powder is flowing and there is big money to be made. Crucial to that process, of course, is the role of the ‘horse’ – the man or woman who smuggles the illegal wares into the country, a role Lindsay Sandiford was unable to perform successfully – surprisingly, perhaps, given her

far-from-stereotypical drug dealer appearance. Much of the success of the operation depends on the confidence of the horse and how well the drugs have been packed into their luggage (often sealed inside surfboards, hang glides – one lifestyle helping facilitate another). These traffickers walk a fine line between euphoria and despair. And it’s not just the Balinese who are looking out for anything suspicious. Bonella writes of how “the pale complexion of a man who tried to check two surfboards on an international flight aroused the suspicion of Brazilian airport security officials”, showing just how costly the lack of a cheeky stint on a sun bed can be. Most of those involved are perfectly aware of this terrifying tightrope act. “Bali can be heaven one minute and hell the next,” says one. “You live the fantasy, you live the dream, but one day you wake up. And that day you wake up, you don’t know where you will wake up, what sort of hell.” The more Bali’s reputation as a hedonists’ hot-spot has grown, the more powder, pills and grass have been needed to keep driving the non-stop party. But it’s not all a case of demand wagging the tail of supply. As Alberto, one Brazilian drug kingpin interviewed by Bonella, explains nonchalantly, “In Peru and Brazil, cocaine is like sand in the Sahara – it’s everywhere.” Profits are no longer so easy to come by, which forces South American drug lords loaded.co.uk l 049

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bali LIndsay Sandiford (right) realises she’s in a spot of bother

to branch out and target pastures new, preferably places where rich hedonists hang out. Many of the big players in the Bali underworld come from South America, and with their untold riches, find themselves living a lifestyle of excess that would shame a roman emperor. One of Bonella’s interviewees tells of nearly overdosing on his birthday after a friend “put a full gram on a plate in the letter ‘A’ for Alberto, and he snorted it in one go”. Rafael tells of free love as another perk: “I say, ‘I have a wife, kids.’ And if they continue, they know I’m just gonna jiggy jig and ‘ciao’.” But if you were under any illusions that this world is about fun-loving first, criminality second, consider Rafael’s recollections of calling in a debt. “If you don’t pay, first I’m gonna burn your passport just to fuck you,” he recalls telling one unfortunate associate. “Second, I’m gonna torture you.” Then the next minute, it’s back to partying. It also helps to have a superhuman fearlessness and a happy knack of surviving brushes with the grim reaper. Another Brazilian, Marco, tells Bonella, “I have had three heart attacks,” and recounts a hang-gliding accident where he fell hundreds of metres to the ground, splitting his intestines. He then did a runner from the hospital that had saved (though he’d tell you he simply can’t die) to avoid forking out for the bill. Don’t be surprised

if you read in the news soon that this man, who likens himself to magician David Copperfield, has faced the firing squad by raising his hands like Neo from The Matrix to stop a hail of bullets.

the price of freedom

It may not surprise you to learn that all but one of the once-powerful individuals Bonella meets have eventually ended up on the wrong side of prison doors, many facing the death penalty. “If you do this, you might make money, the devil gonna give you a lot of money with the coffee spoon for a long time, but when he take, he gonna take with a big spoon all at once… you gonna be broke… you gonna get shot,” explains Rafael, the one interviewee of Bonella’s who gets out of the business before the law catch up with him. The supposedly bulletproof Marco, meanwhile, has found himself on death row. He still remains admirably upbeat about his situation, clinging to the hope that the Brazilian embassy along with fellow inmates’ embassies from all corners of the world will place enough pressure on Indonesian authorities to keep them alive. Yet in many ways, Marco is still one of the lucky ones. He has money, and lots of it. Anyone thinking about even raising a roach to their lips on the island needs to understand how the Indonesian police operate. If you’re caught you pay – financially. And if you can’t pay, you suffer – horrendously, more often than not, in prisons such as the aforementioned ‘Hotel K’, where once again, only a constant supply of cash can protect you from being left to rot, almost literally, in hell. Relatively impoverished ‘horses’ like Lindsay

Sandiford are left half-starving in a stinking cell block where violence is casual and regular, and disease is rife – and she is probably in a relatively decent spot compared to many penniless local ne’er-do-wells. Elsewhere though, money buys certain muchneeded comforts. In her previous book, Hotel K, Bonella revealed how guards were bribed to bring in prostitutes for ‘sex nights’ for rich inmates, while days out at the beach or even escapes could be arranged, and an ecstasy factory also operated within the prison. The story is the same from the police stations to the court system. Sentences have been slashed and charges dropped after hefty payments into the right palms. All of which goes a long way to explaining why the war on drugs isn’t progressing, despite the stiff sentences. And when you see the average wage which the Indonesian police earn, you understand one good reason why. In recent years, though, the heat has been put on from elsewhere. Brazilian detective Chief Caieron’s ‘Operation Playboy’ began in 2004, when he and his team began to tackle the import-export trail from Brazil to Bali and back again, which so often ruins the lives of young, vulnerable Brazilian horses. His work has seen the arrest of 20 major players in the trafficking industry, yet he’s fighting a losing battle. So as you think about booking your next holiday, do you still fancy Bali? Well, even if your surfing skills are better suited to google than the pacific, this sun-kissed paradise has much to recommend it. But if the snow is as appealing to you as the surf… surely there must be safer places to get high? ■ loaded Snowing in Bali by Kathryn Bonella is out now, published by Quercus, priced £9.99

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lucy pinder Underwear by Myla, shoes by Dune, necklace by Topman

T HFUL LUCY PINDER Words HAYLEY COYLE Styling LUCAS ARMITAGE

LOADED DECIDED TO CELEBRATE THE LIFE AND CAREER OF POPE BENEDICT IN THE ONLY WAY WE KNOW HOW – BY GETTING HIS FAVOURITE ANGEL TO STRIP OFF... loaded.co.uk l 053

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lucy pinder

“it’s been quite a giggle. i hope Catholics take it as a homage and do not get too offended. After all, it’s just a pair of boobs”

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hen the news broke that the Pontiff was hanging up his robes our ingenious editor couldn’t have tried to get TOWIE’s Lauren Pope on the cover fast enough. How perfectly fitting! What puns to be had! It was like Christmas, Easter, and erm, the end of Lent had come at once. However readers, we fucked it up. We got our sexy girls muddled and called in Lucy Pinder instead. We joke, of course, but we’re sure you’ll love seeing Lucy in the sexiest papal gear we could find and we think you’ll agree – she’s a vision.

Like the 85-year-old Pope, Lucy is a veteran and divinely smouldered her way through the shoot, an almost beatific air taking over her pretty face at times as she clutched her cross and gazed, Madonna-like, into the distance – the very picture of papal perfection. Nothing like a cassock and suspenders to get the pulse racing and no one can accuse Lucy of not throwing herself into character. “The papal shoot’s been hilarious,” she said. “A lot of people here have Catholic families so they’ve been styling me up going ‘Oh God my nan’s going to kill me!’ It’s been quite a giggle – I hope Catholics take it as a homage and do not get offended, after all, it’s just a pair of boobs! It’s just a bit of fun and tongue in cheek. “I don’t think it’s offensive, it’s just funny. All

in the best possible taste, really.” But how did it feel to be the blessed one? “We got the proper robe with all the buttons and that was my favourite thing to wear,” Lucy joked. “A full on robe, with a little boob out. I was getting a bit of a God complex up there. But it’s topical isn’t it? It was either that or me dressed as a meteorite!” She was referring to the other big thing dominating the news: the giant space rock that smashed into Russia.

she’s divine

Lucy showing off her holy side isn’t just a happy coincidence though, it’s in light of Pope Benedict XVI handing in his resignation. It also coincides with loaded’s God’s Gift Model Search, launching this issue. And seeing as Lucy has taken to her new role as Pontifex Maximus, we thought it only fitting that she should be the head judge in the competition alongside a panel including the loaded team. Wannabe glamour girls can enter online or email godsgift@loaded.co.uk. The winner will

land a year working for the same company as Danica Thrall, Rhian Sugden and, of course, Lucy. And we promise to feature the best entrants in the mag – the good and the bad. “We need more blondes!” Lucy urged. “Anyone who wants to get into glamour modelling should enter competitions like this. That’s the best way because they’re the competitions that gauge whether or not girls are going to be popular. The best way is definitely not posting naked pictures of yourself on social networking sites! And if

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lucy pinder Underwear set by Playful Promises

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lucy pinder you can get regular work you can make a decent career out of glamour modelling. I like the title God’s Gift – it ties in with the shoot, however tenuously.” Now 29, Lucy got discovered on a beach in Bournemouth when she was 19 after bunking off work with a friend to go sunbathing. A photographer snapped her in her bikini, the picture went into The Sun and The Daily Star, and before long she had herself a lingerie deal. She’s now celebrating 10 years in the industry. She has been in demand ever since, especially after she made the decision in her early twenties to go fully topless. “It’s just a pair of boobs at the end of the day,” she told loaded. “And glamour modelling is great, you don’t have to starve yourself or be really tall. We’re more about celebrating all the different types of body sizes. If you look at Page 3 girls they’re all different shapes, big boobs, small boobs, it’s more of a celebration of women than the girls you see in fashion magazines – that’s more about showing off the clothes.”

kit off

“Just enjoy yourself,” is Lucy’s advice. “The best way to get into it is to enter a competition through a major magazine like loaded, you won’t be taken advantage of that way.” Lucy’s done hundreds of saucy shoots and throughout the loaded gig was cool, confident, funny and up for anything. But where does she draw the line? “I won’t take my knickers off,” she said emphatically. But after thinking about it for a minute, confessed, “Now that I’m getting older though sometimes I think should I just do it.” Lucy has loads of exciting things happening this year, she said, including more TV work and maybe even some film opportunities. “I’ve been really lucky that I’ve been able to make a full-time career out of modelling. But there’s so many other things I want to do as well. There’s some stuff in the pipeline that I’m excited about so we’ll have to wait and see.” Watch her, follow her on Twitter, come and worship at the Church of Pinder. “Bless you loaded readers, come and join MY religion!” was her parting shot. ■ loaded Want to be the new Lucy Pinder? Head over to loaded.co.uk for details of God’s Gift or email godsgift@loaded.co.uk with pictures and 100 words stating why you should win.

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Suspender belt by American Apparel, briefs by Caprice

Hair and Make Up by Sally Cairns

“glamour modelling is more about celebrating all the different types of body sizes�

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SOCCER AM Words ADAM THORN Pics TOM BARNES

loaded spends a day behind the scenes at Soccer am to see just how mad it really is. Answer: every bit as bloody mental as you always thought it was

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soccer am

The set is actually tiny

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arnage. As loaded is taken by Soccer am’s publicist to catch a glimpse of the set, we’re stunned at the sheer unprofessional chaos in front of us.

“Hooooooway”

Another day in the office

“I’ve got a day job, don’t you know”

Peering around the entrance, we notice someone is trying to haul himself into an ill-fitting horse outfit, while another member of the crew jumps on the sofa. There’s cats and dogs everywhere – weird, dodgy blokes in outfits that is – and, perhaps most significantly of all, a man dressed, or rather semi-dressed, as the pope. With a popemobile next to him, to add to the er, realism. The most bonkers thing of all? The show hasn’t even started yet.

welcome to the madhouse

Of course you’ve all seen Soccer am, it’s now in its 18th year. The concept, at least how we envisage it, is pretty simple: after getting royally shitfaced on Friday night you stagger into your lounge the next morning, throbbing headache and taste of bitter vomit lingering in your mouth, and sit down in an attempt to clear that hangover. But whereas other breakfast shows try to wake you up by thrusting pastel colours and inoffensive, personalitydeficient presenters at you, Soccer am aims to keep the party going while setting you up to survive the ten hours until your next night out.

Most of the crew members double up as presenters with each encouraged to have as much screen time as possible. And yes, most of the jokes are utterly shit, and they are the same shit jokes every week, but that’s almost part of its charm. Soccer am laid down the template for The Inbetweeners long before Briefcase Wanker arrived. So when we were invited to actually spend a day going behind the scenes – courtesy of presenters Max and Helen – getting the gig of hosting our LAFTAS ceremony – we were keen to see how exactly they bottle this madness. “Not everyone who applies to be in the audience or in our fans of the week gets accepted” explains a member of the crew mere minutes before the start of the programme. “They’ve got to be up for it,

‘‘We were so happy when Mr T came on. ‘Cos that’s the best we’ll get from now until the end of time. I was starstruck by him”

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“I’m nervous, can i cancel?”

‘‘There was this one Wycombe fan who stank. The next season I said ‘Thank God you don’t stink like the last Wycombe lot’. It was the same group of fans” because if they are not, the whole show suffers.” And everyone here is buzzing. Seconds before the show goes live, the floor manager tells the audience “Have a good time, and that’s an order.” After the opening credits roll the viewers at home are shown some footage of their Harlem Shake (which, as it turns out, was the madcap scene we encountered before we arrived) before Tubes is introduced to the front of the set (to chants of “Tuuuuubes” from the crew) and we’re presented with our first sketch, basically showing the technically-titled assistant producer running through all of Sky Sport’s different sets, causing all sorts of chaos in his bid to track down David Beckham, who he has spotted driving past. The other people chanting for Tubes are the fans of the week, who today are Arsenal supporters, and they are berating or serenading every incident on the show. Despite arriving at the show for 7am, they looked primed for a big night out.

ringmaster

But attempting to manage this madness is Helen (who has been at the helm for a staggering 17 years) and newish partner Max – a man who has pulled off the almost-impossible act of replacing Tim Lovejoy and making the show his own. We ask them later how they keep things under control, especially those rowdy fans. “Well sometimes we find out about their previous convictions and have to hastily change them,” jokes Max. “We put them up in a hotel the night before, so normally they’re too hungover to move. Ask Helen about the smelly Wycombe fan.” Er, OK. “There was one Wycombe fan that stank, and stank bad,” she giggles. “Whiffed out the whole corridor to the studio. When the next lot of Wycombe fans came on the show the following season I said ‘Thank god you don’t stink like one of the fans we had last year’ and they all cheered and pointed to this one bloke – it was the same bunch of fans.” Back to the show and a huge green sheet is flung from over the top of the set, to create a giant virtual news studio. “Ref sews up his pocket,” shouts producer Baby Elvis as he presents a clip of a referee rubbing his red card on his shorts, to giggles from the audience. “and where’s wally in the crowd?” he adds as some poor ten-year-old wearing red stripes is spotted in the stands. The jokes seem rapid fire when you’re watching it on the television but things

Best bonkers breakfast shows

THE BIG BREAKFAST

This anarchic show launched Johnny Vaughn and Chris Evans – but don’t hold that against it

SM:TV LIVE

Along with Cat Deeley, Ant and Dec took the piss out of their audience of kids with games such as Wonky Donkey

LIVE & KICKING

The show’s glory years were hosted by Zoe Ball and Jamie Theakston with comedy support from Trevor and Simon

DICK & DOM IN DA BUNGALOW

Dick and Dom’s morning gameshow saw kids compete for booby prizes such as bottled water or cakes made of carpet

THIS MORNING

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soccer am “Next week we’re in the Countdown audience”

move at an even more alarming pace when you’re there. Over the years the show has got shorter and is now just two hours long. Out the window went many of the sit down interviews, but the comedy skits and regular features have all been squeezed in. While this means utter carnage, we soon realise this is, in fact, exceptionally well-organised mayhem. That best-mates-like banter doesn’t stop, something that again stems from the hosts’ chemistry. They’ve been together for five years now, so we wonder what’s their best moment? “Well we didn’t see it,” recalls Max, “but seconds before we were coming back from an ad break our boss screams down our ear that Mel B has just left to get a Nando’s despite the fact that Dev in the office was pleading with her to stay while dressed as Jason Lee with a Pineapple on his head. I love that image. “And I guess randomly mentioning my clarinet to Amy Macdonald and two weeks later playing it at the Hammersmith Apollo to 5,000 people. That was pretty random. “Oh and I loved training with Bolton when they were in the Premier League – everything I hit went in. They even asked if I could play in a reserve game.” “No they didn’t,” interrupts Helen. “Actually

Our snapper

LOADED FELL A

the Rafa Benitez show was taking one for the team amazing, just amazing. He answered his questions perfectly on air, then told us the truth when Sunday, he then asked to leave early because we went to the commercial break! he had a flight to catch.” And no, I’m not telling you what he said.” The show now drawing to a close, the As the show goes on, there’s trouble for star production team have a favour to ask. In this guest Sebastien Bassong. His former Spurs morning’s Third Eye, viewers got to see a stay doesn’t go down too well with those photographer falling over and continuing to Arsenal fans, who sing “You’ve come to see snap while following a goal celebration. Enter The Arsenal!” Credit to him, he takes it in his loaded’s very own Tom Barnes, who is asked to stride, though the defender makes a lovely recreate the incident for their end of little gaffe when he tells Max and Helen that programme competition to see how many it’s often “boring at the back”. goals can be scored in the garden. It’s a the soccer a team challenge he pulls off perfectly – except for the Talking of guests, Max has his favourite. “We bruising he gets. were so happy when Mr T came on. ‘Cos that is Before we leave though, we have just one the answer from now until the end of time question left for our 2013 LAFTAS presenters I was starstruck – and I’ve only ever been – what happens if the duo actually win the starstruck by Karl Kennedy from Neighbours award they’re nominated for? “Well I’ll guess – so Helen had to ask all the questions.” we’ll have to run to our seats very quickly and They can’t all have been great though? then look shocked and hug people next to us “Jeremy Piven was a great booking and one of who we don’t even know,” jokes Max. my favourite actors. He was polite, but he “We aren’t going to win,” laughs Helen. “If we didn’t really get the show, and after telling us in did, you would have to get one of those crook the interview that he was really hoping to take things to get Max off the stage. He’ll thank his in a live ‘soccer’ match somewhere on the parents. And Dion Dublin.” ■ loaded

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victor moses

Moses brings salvation victor moses Words james hartnett Photography ruan van der sande

Chelsea’s winger doesn’t perform miracles, but try telling that to Nigeria after he helped them to a sensational win in the African Cup of Nations

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ailing to disguise a beaming smile, Victor bounds into London’s Perseverance Works for our shoot like a man full of the joys of spring.

Coming off the back of a scintillating African Nations competition, he’s suddenly become a bona-fide national hero in Nigeria following the team’s heroics last month. You can’t put a price on the pride that stirs in a man like Moses, and despite his ongoing success at Chelsea, the only emotion spreading across his

face today is one of sheer jubilation. Emulating neither cockiness nor arrogance at his feat, Victor is the definition of a champion. At just 22, the world really is Victor’s oyster. Kicking off his career at Crystal Palace before securing a mega-bucks move to Wigan and now vying for competition with five of the world’s elite at Chelsea, he revels in the opportunities presented to him. With a decade of football ahead of him, Victor may well turn out to be the best player England could have had.

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victor moses Once again, Moses won the Premier League fly-catching contest with ease

And with Chelsea in the mix for a clutch of trophies this season, Moses is already no stranger to winning, and as one of his nation’s idols he’s quickly become one of the hottest properties in English football, too. We are quick to congratulate one of the standout African Cup of Nations’ players, and proud owner of the Fair Play Player Award in the tournament. Premier League hierarchy, players and fans take note: What stands before you now is something very close to a model footballer. The day Nigeria were crowned champions will forever be etched in Victor’s memory. Cue a chorus of praise, frenzied celebrations, street parties, and celebrity status. If you thought Superbowl weekend was big, you haven’t seen anything yet until you’ve experienced the final out in Africa.

his cup runneth over

“What made it so special was that nobody had expected us to win,” he says. “We’d been written off before the knockouts had begun. We had a few young home-grown players with us and that, combined with what some thought was a lack of public belief in our manager, meant that we had a fair few doubters. Everyone thought we’d get knocked out in the first round, so we’re just glad to have proved them wrong.” Nigeria cut it fine to qualify from their group, with Moses’

quick-fire double penalty salvo in the dying moments of their final group game catapulting a Nigeria team on the brink of exit into the knockout stages. Having walked away from the competition a week later with a gold medal in hand, we don’t blame him for cracking the smile further. “It was a great experience – my first African Nations – and a great one to remember given we won it too. Right from day one Burkina Faso had been penned as the favourites, and everyone thought they’d already secured the title so it was great to be able to prove everybody wrong!” In their quest to becoming champions, the Super Eagles picked up plenty of accolades and Victor, along with Vincent Enyeama, Efe Ambrose, John Obi Mikel and fellow striker Emmanuel Emineke, was named in the 11-man Team of the Tournament. Nigeria’s strike force dominated the competition, with Moses and teammate Emineke guaranteed headlines following a tournament where they proved they are a team that rises to the big occasions. Nigeria quickly climbed the world rankings 22 places, and Victor Moses will forever be a

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victor moses

“NIGERIA HAD BEEN WRITTEN OFF BEFORE THE KNOCKOUTS HAD BEGUN, SO IT WAS GREAT TO BE ABLE TO PROVE EVERYONE WRONG” name etched into the tapestry of the national team. With the tournament creating hysteria in Africa, walking away as one of the show’s stars guaranteed Moses the status of household name across the continent. “It was special enough to win the tournament,” he says, “so to be named in the top XI too felt great.” Eligible to play for both England and Nigeria [he has been here long enough to qualify], he began his international career on English soil after a cluster under-16 and 21 appearances, and he was understandably eager to get his first senior cap. It wouldn’t be long until Victor was playing international football at a senior level, but for which club proved elusive.

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victor moses false dawn

It proved trickier still to get a senior call up to either team, and having been called up twice to the Nigeria squad only for his debut to fall through – once through a cancelled fixture and once due to paperwork being filed after deadline – it wasn’t until November 2011 that Moses got his chance to shine for the Nigerian national team. “It was nice to come back to Nigeria in time for the Cup of Nations, and I jumped at the chance to play for them when I got the call up.” And who wouldn’t? If you thought the standards may be lower than those here, think again. Nigerian football is all about pace, power and prowess. “African football is a lot different to over here though, and I remember my first game was quite scary because it is such a different environment. Everyone’s quick and strong so it’s a whole different ball game out there.” Clearly he’s managed all right, and his golden boot earned during the European Under-17 Championships when playing for England

OK, OK, nobody likes a show-off

european glory

“PALACE REALLY LOOKED AFTER ME, RIGHT FROM THE BACK ROOM STAFF ALL THE WAY TO THE MANAGER AND THE PLAYERS” is now but a shadow, eclipsed by a glimmering new medal. With the Fair Play award to boot, Victor’s one of the Premier League’s refreshingly shining examples of how it should be done. “It’s important to respect the referee wherever you play – it also helps avoid getting booked! If I get kicked though, I’ll just try and carry on playing my game.”

GROOMING BY JOHANNA DALEMO

chelsea chelsea

It’s little wonder he’s always getting digs. The versatile attacker can play almost anywhere, and whilst his strength is on either wing, there really is no weakness to this man’s attacking game. With Chelsea’s set-up revolving around a central striker and dominant wing play, this suits Victor to a tee. If ever a club was designed for a footballer, it’s Chelsea for Victor. “I can play anywhere, so I don’t really mind where the manager plays me. I’m comfortable wherever I go – left wing, right wing, up top, behind the striker – I’m mobile enough. Football’s about goals, and regardless of if I can

score goals or make assists I’m delighted since it just means I’m able to help the team.” With competition for places coming from front men Fernando Torres and Demba Ba, alongside attacking midfielders Oscar, Juan Mata and Eden Hazard, breaking into the Chelsea starting XI is about as hard as breaking out of Alcatraz. Does it faze Victor? Not one bit. Ever the team player, this is just part of his player development. “They’re all great players,” he adds. “To be there playing alongside these guys is a good achievement. They’re great lads so I get on well with all of them, which helps on the pitch. It doesn’t matter if you start or not, it’s a team game. Training isn’t hostile at all because of it though, it’s the opposite - we’re tight as a team and whatever the manager decides we’ll agree with.”

Moses in England colours as a youngster

Beginning his illustrious career in Crystal Palace’s youth system, his big break came when he broke through to the senior team in 2007. Since then, he’s survived relegation with Wigan after a mesmerising run of fixtures last season and is now chasing European glory just a year later. At 22, the world is still very much at his feet. “Back when I was little I was determined to work hard for myself and grant that wish of mine to play in the Premier League – this was the dream. Everyone wants to play in the Premier League, so it’s a dream come true to be able to do so. I remember getting a scholarship from Crystal Palace to attend Whitgift School when I was a teenager, which was a really great thing for me. This helped me settle more at Palace and since then they’ve been nothing but great to me. In my time there they’ve all looked after me, from the back room staff to the manager and the players as well. It was great there, I definitely enjoyed myself.” Barely had Moses settled into life in the Championship before a number of Premier League club were snapping at his heels. Bigger things were destined for the Nigerian, leaving Victor with the wonderful conundrum we wish we could all have of where next to hit stardom. “When I was at Palace it wasn’t just Wigan that were interested. As a player you’ve just got to sit down and weigh up where’s best for you and I thought to myself that going to such a massive club as Wigan was the best thing. You never know where you’re going to end up so it was a nice step up. Things went well for me, I worked hard there, and it wasn’t long before I went to Chelsea. “It’s been a long journey, first with Crystal Palace then over at Wigan before going to Chelsea. I want to see how far I can go.” It seems the track is already golden for one of the Premier League’s hottest talents. Not many footballers can cut it in the world’s most prestigious league, especially so far before hitting their peak. From surviving a relegation scare to fighting for European silverware,

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I CAN PLAY ANYWHERE. I’M COMFORTABLE WHEREVER I GO – LEFT WING, RIGHT WING, UP TOP, BEHIND THE STRIKER – WHETHER I CAN SCORE GOALS OR ASSISTS I’M DELIGHTED” Victor has steamrolled his way to being a key player in one of football’s elite clubs.

european glory

“European trophies would be great. That’s one of the things about being in a top, top club in that we’re able to play in Europe. Everyone looks forward to winning trophies, and being at Chelsea this is something I can’t wait to achieve. I remember scoring in the Champions League against Shakhtar Donetsk and that felt amazing, having been on the pitch for barely five minutes and scoring the winner in stoppage time to put us back in contention in the group stages. I’m just hoping for more of the same in the future!” As for this season, having dropped out of the Champions League and being forced instead to focus on the Europa League, Chelsea are still looking strong. “I was gutted that I couldn’t play in the last-32 tie last month against Sparta Prague so soon

You can’t catch me

after returning from Africa because of a niggling ankle injury I had, so I had to cheer the boys on from home. It’s not nice watching them knowing you can’t get stuck in and help out.

keep winning

“To be honest I can’t say if or what we’ll win yet. We just need to keep preparing for every game as they come right now. If we keep on winning, then who knows what could happen. The Europa League is definitely an ambition of Chelsea’s to win after we dropped out of the Champions League. It’s a massive competition for us and it won’t be easy, but we’ll do our best to try and win it. Winning it would be like the icing on the cake for us.” Barely in his twenties, Victor’s already experienced enough in football that a player ready to hang his boots up would be envious of. Keep going like this, and he’ll soon be shopping for a new trophy cabinet. ■ loaded Follow Victor on twitter @VictorMoses loaded.co.uk l 071

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zero six bravo

OPERATION

No RETURN How the SBS thwarted 100,000 Iraqi soldiers

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Words Damien Lewis (zero Six Bravo author)

he mission was a jaw-dropping one, even to Britain’s most elite soldiers. It was early March 2003 – some weeks prior to the start of the Iraq War – when the 60 SBS [Special Boat Service] and SAS [Special Air Service] men that made up M Squadron gathered in a briefing tent. They were told they were being sent deep behind enemy lines, across the sunblasted wastes of Iraq’s Ninawa Desert – a place so devoid of water than not even the nomadic Bedouin can survive there. Turkey had just refused Coalition forces access to attack Iraq from the north, so this one unit had been given the job of seizing the entire north of the country, by forcing the surrender of the Iraqi 5th Corps. The mission briefing was delivered by then Director Special Forces, Brigadier Graeme Lamb, known to the men as ‘Lamby’. His talk done, two of the veterans of the Squadron – the ‘Old And Bolds (OABs) – stared at each other openmouthed. Was this a suicide mission, or what? “I’ve just thought of the operation codename,’ Scruff remarked to Grey. “Mission Impossible Iraq.” Grey shook his head. “Nah, mate. It’s Operation No Return.” Such black humour defined the spirit of the elite soldiers tasked with achieving the most dangerous and extreme mission of the Iraq invasion. And to the men tasked to do the impossible it was the latter name – Op No Return – that stuck.

The 5th Corps were tasked to defend a huge area that included Saddam Hussein’s hometown, and his tribal stronghold, Tikrit. But British intelligence (known as Intel) believed the Corps was poised to throw down their arms. M Squadron’s mission was to take them out of the war. But a quick spot of mental arithmetic showed that each soldier present in that briefing would need to take the surrender of 1,666 Iraqi soldiers. The figures just didn’t stack up. To make matters worse, Intel had no idea of the exact location of the Corps. They’d just completed a move under cover of darkness and radio silence, during which 100,000 men-at-arms and their war machines had disappeared off the face of the earth. Not the typical behaviour of a force poised to surrender.

Tier 1 Special Forces – SAS or SBS – are distinguished by their weaponry and kit such as their lightweight C7 Diemaco assault rifles

on a hiding to nothing?

Yet above all other elite units, British Special Forces are tasked to achieve the seemingly impossible, and make the first forays into war. In spite of the glaring dangers, Op No Return was the kind of mission these men trained for endlessly. They were the best of the best, and there was little point being so if they were never to be tested in the most extreme conditions. By sending in 60 elite operators, the Coalition risked losing only a handful of men, as opposed to

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zero six bravo an entire battalion. This was going to be a recce by stealth and by fire. But no one underestimated the task facing them. In World War II’s Operation Caravan, David Stirling’s SAS penetrated 1,856 km across the Sahara desert to blow up scores of warplanes at a German airfield in North Africa. If M Squadron made it the 1,000 km to the 5th Corp’s suspected positions, it would be up there with such feats. One thing worried the OABs above all – the 5th Corp’s main battle tanks. Anything else they could blast apart with their vehicle-mounted 50-cal heavy machine guns, fearsome 40mm grenade launchers and shoulder-launched 66mm anti-armour rockets. But not those. Saddam had taken the standard Russian T72 tank and re-engineered it – creating a fearsome beast, which he named The Lion of Babylon. It had 12-inch thick armour and yet could manage 50 kph off road. M Squadron were going in driving Pinkies – desert-adapted opentopped Land Rovers. Due to the weight of arms, ammo, fuel, water, food, camo kit and spares they’d be carrying, they couldn’t afford any armour, and they couldn’t outrun a Lion of Babylon. They couldn’t hide, either. Saddam’s tanks were fitted with infrared thermal imaging kit – which penetrates darkness or smokescreens, detecting any warm object – a hot engine, a human body – just as Predator sees it in the movies. If the 5th Corps didn’t surrender, one squadron of T72s could hunt M Squadron down and blast it to bits.

The Iraqi forces used such ‘dickers’ – enemy watchers disguised as civilians – to track M Squadron’s progress

deserted airfield

Stage one of Operation No Return involved a probing insertion by four men driving quad bikes. They were dropped by Chinook in the open desert, and under cover of darkness headed in to recce a seemingly

‘I have just thought of the operation codename: Mission Impossible Iraq

A desertadapted Landrover at full pelt

deserted airfield. If they could seize it, the entire Squadron could be airlifted in, shaving 250 km off their journey. Having recce’d the airbase on foot, they drove forward on their quad bikes. It was then that all hell broke loose. Iraqi forces ambushed the tiny British team, firing machine guns mounted on Toyota 4x4s. M Squadron boys had their quads going airborne as they raced out of there, but the big, armour-piercing rounds were scorching their heels. Powering into the open desert, the four-man force repeatedly tried to call for a ‘hot extraction’ – to be lifted out under fire. But each time they did, the Iraqi forces caught up and hosed them down with murderous fire. With dawn fast approaching, the men were also about to lose the cover of darkness, which meant almost certain death or capture. A top-secret US unit – Task Force Tiger – had been assembled, consisting of top-gun aircrew flying the F15 Strike Eagle, the world’s most potent fast jet. The four-men managed to contact an American F15 and radio it in. But as it screamed overhead it couldn’t fire on the enemy, without risking hitting the British, so closely surrounded by Iraqis. What he did do was lazer their position – firing a laser beam on to it – which enabled the British Chinook to home in on the laser. The RAF aircrew managed to swoop in and lift the force out under murderous fire. The de-brief asked the inevitable: If the small force defending that airfield was intent on fighting, why wouldn’t 100,000 5th Corps soldiers?

But the die was cast, and M Squadron were going in. A week later a dozen-odd Pinkies – plus an outride force of quads – had achieved the near-impossible. They’d crossed the killer terrain of the Ninawa Desert without losing a man or vehicle. Land Rovers had got bogged in and been dug and dragged free. Quads and Pinkies had gone crashing down hidden gullies and overhangs. But they’d kept pushing ahead, apparently without being compromised by the enemy. They’d moved at night using night vision goggles and driving on ‘black light’ – showing no lights. They’d flitted unseen across the dark, flat terrain, which was devoid of any cover. They’d lain up during the heat of the day, in a series of dry gullies, hiding from watching eyes. The blistering heat was pushing 50C, and the Pinkies couldn’t carry enough water. They’d been forced to ration themselves to three litres per man per day. The dehydration plus lack of sleep was taking its toll. As they approached a range of barren hills, they were pushed eastwards into more vegetated, populated terrain. They were barely a day’s drive short of the 5th Corp’s suspected positions. Intel still had no update on where the 5th Corps were. M Squadron’s commander would have to rely on local intelligence. Thankfully, after days traversing a sun-baked desert, and gathering some pointers from a tiny Kurdish village en route, they were finally getting close to the 5th Corp’s position. But they needed to arrive during

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American Special Operations Forces like these trained with M Squadron in Kenya, in preparation for deployment on their Iraq missions

M Squadron was fresh from a marine counterterrorism ship assault in the English Channel

Each spurted tracer like a dragon belching fire

daylight. Creeping up on 100,000 Iraqi troops at night wasn’t a wise move. They chose a lying-up point for the night – a dry lakebed. As the men shared a last cigarette before nightfall, one flicked his butt into the sand and remarked: ‘This is shit. By now I reckoned we’d be flatpacking ragheads.’ At that very moment the terrain to the north of them erupted in savage fire. Within seconds, the Squadron was being hit from all sides, as a hidden force poured in the heavy rounds from a dozen Dushka machine guns. Each spurted streams of tracer like a dragon belching fire, and targeted with murderous accuracy. The centre of the lakebed looked as if scores of wires strung with flame were being pulled up through the sand, as the heavy trace rounds ripped through. The pair of HQ wagons that were parked there were being pounded with fire. The men of the SBS and SAS train relentlessly for putting loaded.co.uk l 077

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zero six bravo down fire from vehicles. They opened up, hammering out a solid wall of 50-calibre rounds, 40mm grenades, and 7.62mm fire from their lighter GPMGs. Within seconds, the desert all around was awash with ricochets and explosions. M Squadron had received a recent warning from HQ that a large force of Fedayeen – a feared militia fanatically loyal to Saddam – had been sent in to hunt them down. And here they were, driving nimble 4x4s sporting Dushkas. As they blasted enemy fighters off their tripod-mounted Dushkas, M Squadron were confident they could win the firefight. But then a rocket streaked across the lakebed, detonating under the rear of the Signals wagon, throwing it into the air. A second massive explosion followed, this one snatching up the HQ vehicle and throwing it through 90 degrees. The round had torn in with the unmistakable signature of a heavy tank shell – M Squadron had to get the hell out of there. They broke position and bugged out not a moment too soon. Grey’s wagon, being the tail-end Charlie, was the last out, and as he turned to leave, a massive armoured form reared up over the lip of the lakebed, and thundered in. They raced for the open desert, throwing smoke to lose the enemy. But as they left the lakebed and turned east, they saw three Kraz 225s – massive, Soviet-era sixwheel-drive trucks – disgorging infantry. The Iraqi troops surged in, raking the position with assault rifle fire and rocketpropelled grenades. The British force had escaped by the skin of their teeth.

The Lion of Babylon main battle tanks as used by Iraqi soldiers

Fanatical Saddam loyalists, the Iraqi Fedayeen militia

PICS: ANDY CHITTOCK JOHN DOE GETTY

epic

So began a series of savage and bloody battles, plus an epic escape and evasion rarely rivaled in Special Forces history. Forced to go to ground by the force that was tearing after them, the Squadron headed into a dry wadi – but the hard surface of the lakebed hid thick black mud. Within minutes eight Pinkies were bogged to their axles, and quads likewise. The men were forced to rig the vehicles with explosives and blow them, and clamber aboard the handful of surviving vehicles. But as they bugged out in hopelessly overloaded wagons, the Squadron was split into three groups scattered across the desert. In repeated acts of insane bravery, those small groups of men repeatedly fought off the might of the 5th Corps and their Fedayeen attack dogs, outwitted and outran them. Every man had been brought out alive and somehow they had even inflicted massive damage on the enemy. Incredibly, they were accused in the British press at the time of being ‘cowards’, who ‘ran away from the Iraqis’. Nothing could be further from the truth – but it has taken ten years for these men to be able to tell their side of the story. And what a story it is. ■ loaded Zero Six Bravo is out March 14 and published by Quercus

Every man was brought out alive and they even hurled massive damage on the enemy

Captured Allied quad bikes were paraded to the Iraqi media

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jess

“i don’t need to play sport to walk into the bedroom wearing a football top, do i?”

It gets better – she even has an interest in sports. “I used to do a lot of sport – football, netball, hockey – but I soon got interested in boys,” she adds gleefully. And how we’re thankful. “I don’t need to play sport to be able to walk into the bedroom wearing a football top, do I?”

two up front

Jess went one further, telling loaded that she’s not only a football supporter, but she knows the offside rule too. Over to Jess: “I know this! It’s when you have one defender and a goalie before you can pass it, right?” She’s also not half bad behind the bar, and we’re bang up for a visit at her local country boozer. “I worked New Year’s Eve and got really drunk,” she says to our surprise. “I got a few free drinks but kept serving myself. I sold the least and got the drunkest, and kept smashing the glasses. I used to work in a cocktail bar so I’m better at making them. I’m a sucker for a pina colada but I’d make something easy for you guys – I’m quite prone to spilling them though.” Butterfingers she may be, we’re more than glad she’s decided to change careers. Enjoy. ■ loaded

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jess

features

“i used to do a lot of sport – football, netball, hockey – but i soon got far more interested in boys”

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’s safe to it ’, o h o S f o g in K e h ‘T d lle ca When a man’s nter Paul E . n o ti ta u p re a f o g in th e m assume he has so smatic businessman, club owner, Raymond: the chari nd, of course, porn baron property magnate a

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ond died in successor. When Raym be worth to d ate 2008 was estim d for a self£640 million. Not ba confessed spiv. Liverpool,

reets of Brought up in the backst for the theatrical. te tas ly ear an had Raymond and off-stage on es rol After working various and, don Lon to ved mo he eventually th that sex tru e abl cottoning on to the undeni ous am inf the ned does indeed sell, ope rous mo gla his ere wh ar, ueb Raymond Rev ion ent att of s sse cabaret acts attracted ma ts. fi pro e and brought hug anship Raymond’s flair for showm fines of his con extended far beyond the

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paul raymond

Issue 1 of Men Only

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Happier days

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Who would live in a house like this

Steve Colby with the ‘Berserk Brothers’

members-only club. He became a prominent media figure and staged numerous publicity stunts such as sailing past the House of Parliament with a gaggle of topless girls, and offering newsreader Anna Ford money to pose nude for his magazines. But beneath his flamboyant public persona, Raymond maintained a fascinating private life. Some reports paint him as a distant man with a nervous stammer, whilst others claim he was the archetypal hedonist, fuelled on brandy, cocaine, and Silk Cut cigarettes. Raymond remains such an alluring figure that two films based on his life are set for the big-screen, each with its own interpretation of the man himself. But ahead of the movies, loaded uncovers the truth behind the real Paul Raymond, and speaks to the people who really knew him. And it seems he was all of these things – an enigmatic personality who was serious about business and even more serious about entertaining, whether it was for the pleasure of his punters, guests, or himself. “There were several sides to Paul Raymond,” says Neville Player, longtime friend, drinking partner and executive editor on his portfolio of… ahem, gentlemen’s magazines during the 1980s and ‘90s. “There was the straight man known for his charity work, and then there was the man that threw lavish celebrity parties. When I first knew him the public and private man were quite different people.” When Player first joined the organisation, Raymond’s personal life was marked with

HIS PATIO HAD BEEN DESIGNED BY RINGO STARR AND HIS THEN GIRLFRIEND excess (most of Player’s stories end with the immortal line “… and then Paul Raymond said, ‘Right, down to the bar, let’s get pissed’”). The lifestyle was inspired by Raymond’s wild friendship with Men Only Editor, Tony Power. “When Tony offered me the job,” says Player, “he told me ‘as long as you’re in for 11am we’ll be in the bar by 11.30.” Good work if you can get it… “When Paul Raymond met Tony Power,” Player tells us, “they got on well instantly. Paul had pretty much disinherited his son Howard, so he made Tony his adopted son. They drank together, shagged together – you name it they did it. And there was lots of cocaine. It was under the table, over the table… everywhere.”

rock and rolls

Standard practice was for Raymond to arrive in the West End in his Rolls Royce, where he’d meet Power and an entourage of employees. From there they’d hit bar after bar, blitzing the night with booze, coke, and women. “We made fantastic money,” says Player, “but the whole thing was very childish. Everything was going so well, nothing seemed serious.” Such childishness saw numerous cars wrapped around lampposts, and Raymond’s boat crashed into Hungerford Bridge when a drunken advertising director took the wheel. “There was 30 crates of Jack Daniels stuffed down the side of the boat as part of the ballast,” recalls Player. “It was like a floating nightclub, and I thought wouldn’t it be great to take the

staff out on the boat… I got fired for that one!” Raymond was also renowned for throwing legendary parties at his Baker St Penthouse flat, which he shared with his glamour model mistress Fiona Richmond. The bedroom contained a reclining king-size bed, and a mirrored ceiling canopy that turned into a sun lamp. The patio, complete with a retractable glass roof, had been designed by Ringo Starr and his then-girlfriend. But such excess and decadence comes at a price – Tony Power’s consumption cost him everything, including his marriage and eventually his life. Raymond’s priority was always business (“If you weren’t working eight hours a day he wanted to know why!” says Player), and he was forced to fire Power who lost control. Power later died in a fire after falling asleep drunk with a lit cigarette. Though he put business first, Raymond’s taste for the high-life never subsided. He reportedly continued to have his accounts department wrap bundles of £50 notes, some he kept for the ladies and some for the cocaine.

on the sauce

“Paul got more controlled,” says Player, “but even when he gave up smoking he was probably drinking two bottles of brandy a day. He had a cast-iron constitution because he could drink anybody under the table and frequently did. I couldn’t keep up with him, so I would pour some booze into the plant pots when he wasn’t looking.” loaded.co.uk l 091

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paul raymond

WELCOME TO REVUEBAR

In the 1950s, legislation stated that nudes could appear on stage as long as they didn’t move – hence the girls in Raymond’s early shows remained statuesque. But Raymond exposed a legal loophole – that nudes could legally move aroud the stage if the venue was a members-only club – and in 1958 he bought the lease on the former Doric Ballrooms in Soho’s Walker’s Court. Opening on 21 April, the newly-named ‘Raymond Theatre Revuebar Club’ was an instant hit.

the best club in town

Though not the UK’s first strip club, the Revuebar advertised itself as the only “true” striptease in town – with its lavish interior and innovative shows, the venue added some much-needed glamour. Acts included a gold-painted male-female double act, three chimpanzees, and snakecharming strippers. Immediately gunning for Raymond’s latest venture, police raided the club with a month. The following year Raymond was fined an astonishing £5,000 for staging what the chairman of the London Sessions described as “filthy, disgusting, and beastly.” But controversy didn’t halt the Revuebar’s success – by the end of ’58 Raymond boasted 38,000 members. Regulars included both homegrown and Hollywood celebrities, such as Diana Dors, Peter Sellers, and the Krays.

nudie mags

The Beatles even made an appearance, when they filmed scenes for their Magical Mystery Tour movie. In the 1980s the Revuebar would become the home of cutting-edge alternative comedy troupe the “Comic Strip” (members included Alexi Sayle, and Adrian Edmondson, and even Rik Mayall). With its garish neon sign overlooking Brewer St, the Revuebar beacme a landmark in London’s red-light quarter. It was also the first step toward Raymond building his collection of West End properties, which rightfully earned him the “King of Soho” moniker. The Revuebar was eventually sold and closed its doors in 2004 – though its legacy lives on.

Steve Colby

“WE HAD SUCH A HUGE CIRCULATION THAT MONEY WAS NO OBJECT” From his public image, it appeared Raymond’s biggest weakness was women. He was regularly photographed with young models, cementing his status as the figurehead of Britain’s blossoming sex industry. But there remains some questions over his womanizing – was it legitimate, or merely an act? In typical showman fashion, Raymond apparently wooed his mistress Fiona Richmond by arriving at her flat in a Rolls Royce, armed with fish and chips and bottles of wine, which he handed out to Richmond and her girlfriends. But he was also known to be awkward with girls one-on-one, and Richmond once stated that she doubted Raymond slept with the other girls he dated. “He wasn’t really into the sex that much,” says Player. “I think he was more into watching it. I don’t know to what extent Tony Power performed with girls in front of him… but Raymond was never a sex maniac. It was more about the pleasure of watching people.” Voyeurism was of course a major part of Raymond’s life. And while his shows and Revuebar had been hugely successful, it was his move into publishing adult magazines that made the real money. In 1964, Raymond attempted to replicate the success of the American Playboy with high-end men’s magazine King. Unhappy with the finished product, Raymond cut his losses, but returned to publishing in 1971 when he bought out the flagging Men Only. Under the direction of Raymond and Tony Power, Men Only relaunched as a glossier affair, ditching drab pin-ups and adventure stories for soft-core photography and trendier, contemporary articles – their first issue featured the infamous

attention-grabbing girl-with-lobster cover, which loaded has recreated for your pleasure. Raymond’s timing was impeccable – following the 1960s’ sexual revolution, the British public was beginning to strip away its inhibitions, and the harsh restrictions on sexually explicit materials were being called into question. It was a liberating time and the magazines’ raunchy material were perfect for breaking down even more social barriers. By 1972 sales of Men Only had rocketed to 400,000 per issue, encouraging Raymond to launch further titles. First was Club International, followed homegrown classics such as Escort and Razzle. For these magazines, the remit changed, beginning a trend of “amateur” photography that is still popular in both porn magazines and films to this day. The concept of “readers wives” first appeared in the pages of Escort, a direct response to the number of pictures sent in by husbands and boyfriends. As their popularity grew, Escort and Razzle became something of a British institution, representative of classic UK grot – rough, ready, and done on the cheap. By the 1980s, the shackles of Britain’s sexually repressed past had not been removed entirely. Music and film were regularly chastised for causing society’s ills, and there was enormous pressure for Paul Raymond Publications to adhere to the restrictive laws on “obscene publications”. Ahead of press, copies of every magazine went to the UK’s then-premier newsagent John Menzies and scanned for unacceptable content – it was a time when the police could swoop on a newsagent, arrest the manager, and confiscate publications. Player estimates that in a period of twelve

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paul raymond Paul Raymond with Men Only

Paul Raymond... oh wait hang on, that’s Partridge

Neville Player, editor-in-chief of Paul’s magaznes

months he helped Paul Raymond Publications defend newsagents in 30-40 different towns across the country. “Every single female magistrate we came up against said ‘It’s OK… that’s what boys like.’” But the magazines prospered, Escort eventually became Britain’s biggest-selling magazine. Steve Colby, one of Raymond’s chief photographers during the boom period, remembers how affluent the operation was. “We had a such a huge circulation that money was no object. Once we flew over the famous American porn actress Seka for a week’s shooting, which cost Paul Raymond £50,000.” Legendary glamour girls such as Sam Fox, Jo Guest, and Charmaine Sinclair frequented the magazines, which became the place for aspiring models to flaunt their stuff.

PICS: GETTY PA REX

nudie mags

“If you were under 5’5” and wanted to model topless,” says Colby, “and you didn’t work on Page 3, you worked for our nudie mags.” The magazines became the cornerstone of Raymond’s business empire – it was from the vast profits that he was able to purchase his impressive portfolio of West End properties (“Me and Tony Power made all the money through the magazines!” laughs Player). When his entourage went on their West End drinking binges, it cost them nothing because Raymond owned all the clubs – he was the “King of Soho.” “Even when we went to Ronnie Scott’s,” remembers Colby, “we got in free because Paul was the landlord.” But despite his reputation, Raymond would never have considered himself a pornographer. “He never used words like that,” says Neville

Player. “He was an old-fashioned gentlemen, suave and sophisticated, an entrepreneur. He was always charming and well-dressed. He was a strict Catholic too – we got told off for trying to print stripping nuns!” The last fifteen years of Raymond’s life remain something of a mystery. Having disowned his son Howard over his uncontrollable drug habit, it was Raymond’s daughter Debbie – now managing his publishing business – who was set to inherit his fortune. When she died of a drugs overdose in 1992 aged just 32, Raymond became a recluse. “After Debbie died the only person he saw was his chief accountant,” Player remembers. “All he had left was the money, and everything was meant for Debbie.” But the legacy continues, with loaded’s Paul Chaplin continuing to make the magazines a success and filling the gap left by Raymond. Though our own Paul is far more clean living, it goes without saying that he knows something about building a business empire – not to mention courting scores of beautiful women. The first movie of Raymond’s life, The Look of Love, stars Steve Coogan as the man himself and reunites Coogan with 24 Hour Party People director Michael Winterbottom. Raymond’s son had also begun work on a rival production called The King of Soho, with Tom Hiddleston tipped to play the lead role. With so many varied accounts about Raymond, shy Catholic boy or flash ladies man, pornographer or straight-up businessman, only one thing is for sure – he was an undoubted showman. ■ loaded Read issue 1 of Men Only, which will be bundled with a new-look edition that hits the shelves on May 3

THE LIFE OF RILEY Geoffrey Anthony Quinn was born in 1925 to a Catholic family in Liverpool. His father abandoned the family when he was just five, leaving him to be raised by his straight-laced mother and sent to a Jesuit-taught school. Growing up, he took theatrical work, as agent, promoter, and performer, eventually taking the stage name Paul Raymond. When a theatre manager asked that Raymond’s female assistants pose nude, Raymond paid them an extra 50p per week to do so. Raymond later opened the infamous Revuebar, where his tradition of saucy cabaret continued for decades. He took over other West End theatres and staged hugely popular sex comedies, such as Pyjama Tops. After Raymond entered magazine publishing in the early 1970s, he went on to buy over 400 West End properties and was once named Britain’s richest man. He died November 15 2008.

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SUPER BOWL Words MATTHEW DRAKE Photography MITCHELL WILLIAMS

SUPER B

it’s the greatest show on earth. and that’s just the gathering in the parking lot. naturally, we gatecrashed the party

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R BOWL!

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“You ain’t from round these parts, are you, boy?”

“No pictures please, I’m quite a private person”

“You guys from loaded? You’re definitely going to hell!”

“A GAMBLER IS MUGGED

‘‘I

f I was as ugly as you boy, the first thing I’d do is shave my ass and roll backwards,” screams a barfly in a dingy honky tonk venue somewhere near Memphis, Tennessee. “That’s the only chance that you have of seeing any action round here.” An apocalyptic tear-up is brewing. A tense stand off ensues as we loaded correspondents drain our glasses and perform a soft-shoed shuffle towards the door. Then cackles of beery laughter break out and bottles of Bud Light are clinked together. There it is, that infamous Southern hospitality. Welcome to Dixieland, USA.

Away from the redneck relay taking place in this bar, a tenth of the world’s population have their eyes on America’s Deep South ahead of the most extravagantly-hyped event in the sporting universe. And it feels like most of them are here, milling around in hire cars, waiting for the 47th incarnation of the Super Bowl to kick off amid the gumbo, voodoo angels and jazz down here in New Orleans. We couldn’t resist the chance to charge down the ‘Blues Highway’ 61 to join the biggest party on Earth as it returns to the Big Easy for a record-tying 10th time, and the first since Hurricane Katrina and the resulting levee breaks and floods laid waste to the city. On this occasion, the much-fancied San

Francisco 49ers take on feisty underdogs the Baltimore Ravens, priced at a skinny 8-5, in one of the most anticipated Big Time finals in NFL history. Everywhere the game is unquestioningly referred to as The Greatest Show on Earth as the two teams go head-tohead for the Vince Lombardi Trophy. This year the big game will pit two duelling siblings – John and Jim Harbaugh – against each other as opposing team coaches. And despite the recession and the raging debate about gun violence, this is the only thing weighing heavy on the national mindset.

Your best bet is probably the mugging option

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“Yes, it’s beer made from donkey sweat”

FOR THE Our black SUV Jeep is flanked by cars from nearly every one of the 50 states of America when, to our left, it rises up like a huge, livid concrete boil – the menacing storm shelter known as the Mercedes-Benz Superdome, or more locally as the Dome. This was the central evacuation hub that saw some seriously dark scenes in the post-Katrina days after the levees broke. It feels like we have come to bear witness to the resurrection.

pre-match: sodom, meet gommorah It’s mid-morning, a good eight hours until kickoff, and the crazies have already assembled. Pre-match shenanigans fuelled by a stream of whores and moonshine have been under way for days, and the casualties are mounting at a staggering rate. From the dead-eyed methheads in the Tremé district to the obese revelers sporting three-tequila grins under the neon signs of Bourbon Street, the moths have been drawn to the flame. Every skank, gangbanger, whore, dealer, rent boy, dirt bag, Jesus freak, sleaze merchant, transvestite, corporate freeloader, redneck and degenerate gambler is here in the Crescent City. “Don’t be mean with the green, folks,” pleads the leader of an impressive body-popping dance troupe performing spinning headstands in front of a gathering crowd in the French Quarter. “Pay for what you’ve seen to keep us out of two places – the poor house… and your house,” he adds with a smile full of gold dentures. Without further prompting, the crowd dig deep. Swarms of howling, juiced-up and energized fans have already claimed tickets – which originally started life with a $950 face value – touted online and in moody

The Super Bowl outfit that Janet Jackson turned down

tickets hanging out of his pocket’’

street transactions for the price of a new car, and those who don’t are prepared to do anything to lay their hands on one. On the plus side, it does give the poorer people of New Orleans the chance to pick off a few juicy apples from the harvest. The New Orleans Police Department, armed with visible batons, is out in force and visible on every street corner to keep them at bay. We make our way through the throng and slip into a side door to sample some Jambalaya, burgers and Oysters Rockefeller and, er, survey the cultural landscape. Back home in Blighty, the horsemeat scandal is raging. Yet here they wantonly scoff everything from road kill to alligator bites. If once it walked, swam or slithered, it is battered and fried. Catfish, snared in the nearby swamps of the Bayou, is a big Louisiana delicacy, but turtles, oysters, rabbits and everything else you can

possibly imagine are also found in the Cajun larder. A gambler is mugged for the seven tickets hanging out of his pocket as he leaves a casino, the fleshpots are full and street hawkers on Bourbon Street are pleading with passing trade to buy ‘Big Ass Beers’ – 64oz buckets of watery ale at $6 a time. God bless America.

features

“Christ this outfit doesn’t half chafe the old arsecrack”

raven we’re raven

Everywhere you look, you can’t help notice how the media spotlight is trained on one man more than most – Baltimore Ravens linebacker, colossus and icon, Ray Lewis, who has chosen this as the moment he will finally hang up his shoulder pads after a career spanning 17 years and notorious involvement in a fight that led to double murder charges being brought against two men. Since that dark night in 2000 he’s been rehabilitated to and referenced in The Wire and the Champion Nelly song Heart of a Champion. Now his retirement announcement has sparked the winning run that’s got the Ravens this far and in the last week he’s made more speeches than Obama managed during his whole re-election campaign, according to grateful US broadcasters. Replica Ray Lewis shirts with his playing number 52 on them have sold out at the megastore set up within the ‘NFL Experience’ in the Ernest N. Morial Convention Centre on the banks of the Mississippi. Yet the snipers are out for him as we shoehorn ourselves into a jazz loaded.co.uk l 097

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super bowl “We love your accent! Would you like a massively overpriced beer?”

Ray Lewis, looking mean.

His touchdown dance only served to puzzle fans

bar to swig spicy bloody marys and munch on fiery buffalo wings. Former New York Giants wide receiver Amani Toomer is spouting off in reports on a TV screen in the corner of the bar, dredging up the past and drawing anger from the fans stood round us. “If you want to say you’re Mr. Religious, have a clean record,” Toomer has said. “When I look at him, I just think hypocrisy.” Outside Fritzel’s bar, a stumpy Ravens diehard is carrying a board above his head with a quote defending Lewis, the three-time NFL defensive player of the year. It reads: “I don’t always retire. But when I do, I go to the Super Bowl first.” “Hey! Hey! Get a picture,” he implores loaded as we make our way through a crowd of couples with painted faces, grunting and

swearing over their plastic beer glasses. His pal, who goes by the name ‘Fan Man’, is dressed as a motorcycling raven and has a little dance he keeps performing. The sun is out, midday is still a little while off and the air is thickening with cigar smoke and song. We sip on our second, highly-explosive Jazz Daiquiri and watch the freak show unveiling before us.

girls, guts and God-botherers

Three scantily-clad girls hover in the doorway of a strip club pretending to touch themselves (prompting one card to shout, “is it Christmas again round here? Because all I can see is Ho, Ho, Ho!”). A group of beer-bellied Texans walk past parading their surgically-enhanced wives like prize cattle. VIP parties are in full swing,

and the historic Jackson Square has been transformed into the CBS hub. ESPN Sports Centre have set up camp next door. A huge barge carrying the oversized Roman numerals “XLVII” arrives on the riverfront. All the stars are in town being driven around in fleets of limos shipped in for the event. Stevie Wonder is here and so, obviously, is Sir Paul McCartney, on the lookout to steal the limelight at yet another major occasion. Mardi Gras will commence the week after the game and the party are all wearing the glistening silver, purple and green beads of the annual carnival of decadence that are thrown

SWARMS OF HOWLING, Another touchdown for the Ravens

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super bowl

“I sold my house to be here. And I don’t care!”

from balcony bars in a hail. The only real crossed words we see surround the ultra-right preachers of God screaming from their soapboxes about the sins we’re committing by enjoying a weekend of sport. “Fear HIM, because judgment day will come,” one bellows. “Fuck you, freak,” replies the congregation. Ignoring the urge to flog our tickets for the rapidly inflating prices, we join the stampede to the Super Dome, rocking after draining a hip flask of Canadian Club on the rooftop of a swanky downtown hotel by way of a lastminute sharpener. Across America about 120 million people are settling down to watch the game and the prematch address from the White House. They will soon be joined by the folk in something like 147 countries who are having it beamed into their sitting room, which, when you think about it, is a lot of people watching something whose rules they don’t really understand.

Never mind, eh? Everybody is shitfaced and pumped up as the Ravens fans start up a loud, and from here on in constant, rendition of the riff from the White Stripes’ Seven Nation Army. “Der, der, dat-dat-da derrrr derrrr…” At least, we think that’s how you spell it. Wearing the gaudy purple shirts of our adopted team, the Ravens, we enter this steepsided crucible of dreams, all dignity long since lost in a gaping-jawed fog of amazement at the sheer scale of the spectacle. Amazement is etched across our faces as firstly, we discover how high up our seats are and secondly, see the size of the morbidly obese 49ers fan sat next to us. His body mass has overflowed on to one of our allocated seats to the point that every time our phone vibrates with a message from back home, he checks his first.

features

Jacoby Jones on the way to a record-breaking 109 yd touchdown

oh, and there’s also a game on...

The Ravens win the toss and the night begins on an emotional note, with children from Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut – where 26 students and staff died in a horrific shooting spree in December –

JUICED-UP FANS would do anything to lay hands on a $950 ticket” What they do understand is that this is A Big Deal. Tiger Woods, in a rare wise moments, once said: “Everyone knows what the Masters is, even if you’re a non-golfer. People know what Wimbledon is. They know what the Super Bowl is – there are certain events that people just know about.” As we enter the shadow of the Dome, underneath the whirling helicopters, and pass the first line of security, a man has his ticket snatched from a holder around his neck and the thief makes off. It’s a reminder of the ungodly undercurrent of desperation that swirls around these parts, in stark contrast to this orgy of conspicuous consumption.

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delivering a moving rendition of America the Beautiful.. The beast at the side of us splashes tears in our beer. Alicia Keys also appears on a piano to whisper a version of The Star Spangled Banner before the teams run out from opposite ends of the bubbling cauldron. Baltimore, whose fans are outnumbered inside, score the first touchdown after less than five minutes of play (although that’s about 15 in real time, with all the stoppages). It’s 7-0, and even the beer sellers are rooting for an upset. Although the

21/2/13 11:49:01

super bowl “You lookin’ at my helmet?”

PICS: GETTY PA AP

“THREE SCORES IN FOUR 49ers reply with a field goal in the first quarter, two more Ravens touchdowns in the second 15-minute period – the latter a superb catch and dodging run into the end zone from wide receiver Jacoby Jones – give them a handsome lead. Despite another San Francisco field goal, by the time Beyonce and co are warming up their booty muscles for the halftime show, it’s 21-6 to the underdogs. We wobble dizzily down the steps in search of a little refreshment, and by the time we return, Destiny’s Child are reunited and are all claiming to be “single ladies”. Thanks for letting us know girls, but there’s some important unfinished business to attend to. And Baltimore get back to work without delay when San Francisco’s punt to kick off the second half is caught by that man Jacoby Jones again. As his team-mates force apart the sea of red shirts in front of him, he runs the length of the field – 109 blistering yards – to give the Ravens a commanding 28-6 lead. A sports commentator once said that if Jesus were alive, he would be at the Super Bowl. If he is here tonight, he’s probably a San Francisco fan, because with the 49ers looking down and out, the stadium suffers a huge power outage that dims the lights and suspends play for 30 minutes at the start of the second half. This wasn’t in the script. 49ers fans are asking about refunds and hoping to get out of

minutes means the super bowl is up for grabs again”

there with their five-wins-in-five-Super-Bowls record in tact. Thankfully, after another trek to the bar, a hot dog and a barrage of mocking texts from home, the lights come back up. The delay gives the west coast side a chance to catch their breath and interrupt their opponents’ momentum. It starts to get tasty as the 49ers’ star quarterback Colin Kaepernick begins to orchestrate a highly unlikely comeback. And in a dazzling four-minute spell in the third quarter, two touchdowns and a field goal pulls the score back to 28-23. The Super Bowl is up for grabs once more.

the final countdown

As we move into the fourth and final quarter, another field goal restores Baltimore’s eightpoint lead. But Kaepernick isn’t done yet. He takes matters into his own hands to score a 15-yard touchdown, and with 10 minutes remaining, the score is 31-29 to Baltimore. The massed blubber of our supersized neighbour is beginning to quake with the tension of it all. But Ray Lewis and friends keep their heads, running down the clock at every opportunity and nicking a field goal with four minutes left. When a final desperate throw from Kaepernick

goes long and hands possession back to Baltimore, they take a time-killing ‘safety’ play, sacrificing two penalty points to make it 34-31 but leaving the 49ers only four seconds to respond from the resulting kick-off. The Vince Lombardi trophy is heading to Maryland. When Ray Lewis emerges from what must have been a pretty blissful post-game shower, he spots newly-retired Olympic swimming champ Michael Phelps among the VIPs invited into the locker room, and flashes a grin. “I told you I was going out on top!” he says. “And somebody gave me the formula. Baltimore! Champions!” They lean in and press their foreheads together. America chokes on its apple pie at the thought of two outgoing champions. We don’t hear them call, because we have retreated into the night to run wild amid the voodoo and vice. Now we are left to ponder on former player Duane Thomas’s famous question: “If it’s the ultimate game, how come they’re playing it again next year?” Because in America, that’s what they do. And does anyone, anywhere, do it better? ■ loaded We would like to thank Arnaud’s Restaurant. Visit arnaudsrestaurant.com

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t, s e g r a l e h t y l p m i S most exciting n the UK i k r a p l l a b t n i a P

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wolf boy

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wolf boy

n a c i x me lf o w e r wien brighton

features

A

WOLF BOY Words ANDREW WOODS Photography ALASTAIR PULLEN

Loaded hooks up with the Circus Of Horrors to meet the star of its latest show: Jesús Chuy Aceves, the one and only Wolf Boy… loaded.co.uk l 103

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wolf boy

‘a rare condition means chuy has exceptional hair growth all over his body’

T

hey say you’re never more than ten feet away from a graphic designer in Brighton, which isn’t that surprising if you’ve ever visited the town. What is odd though, is that loaded are but mere centimetres away from a werewolf. No, it’s not a hairy graphic designer – although we have met a few – this is a wolf man, a genuine monster. It’s not even a full moon and yet he’s on the prowl in this Sussex town. Wolf Boy has asked for a cup of English breakfast tea. As we wait for the brew, the Sussex locals walk by, some stifling giggles, others looking shocked. And a few completely disinterested, like this is just completely normal. Should Britain ever get taken over by monsters, our apathy to an obvious evil will certainly

afford ‘them’ the upper hand – “Werewolf, you say? It’s probably a hirsute graphic designer.” A group of girls line up to have their photo taken with Wolf Boy but then one of them screws up her face in disgust. “Eurgh! C’mon let’s go!” she instructs the others, and off they run. The girl clearly clocked that this is no fancy dress. Wolf Boy is real. Wolf Boy is actually 39. His name is Jesus ‘Chuy’ Aceves and his home town is Santiago, Mexico. Chuy, like all of us, needs to earn a buck, which is why he is currently freezing outside a Brighton coffee shop, rather than lounging in the Mexican sun. But Chuy is not earning his corn designing web sites and smoothie drink bottles, like most of Brighton. No Sir, Chuy is the latest star of The Circus Of Horrors, the troupe of freaks that won over

WANTED WOLF BOY OR GIRL All applicants must be genuine – people with beards or wearing masks will not be accepted, although a woman with a beard may be considered under a different job opportunity. All applicants must also have Circus skills to a high standard. They must also have a minimum of 60,000 hairs growing on their face & linking up with the hairline, hair on the head is not included in this specification. The job will run from 10 January to the 23 March Circus of Horrors, which is now in its 18th year of where the existe perform in 57 different venues from Jersey to Aberdnce, will een. For further information & interview opportunities

please contact Asia on 0208 540 ****

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“Didn’t he used to play in defence for Ipswich?”

fur-ther education

Although Chuy’s body, hands and ears are free of fur – Chuy has a more generalised version of the condition – his face, nose, eyelids and forehead are covered. “When I am performing I do let the hair grow out more,” Chuy explains whilst stirring his tea, “but when I am at home in Mexico, I like to trim it a little, because it gets so hot.” Chuy’s face is covered. His brown eyes stare out from this hairy balaclava like a prisoner peering through a slot in the cell door. “I was not very good at school because I was intimidating to the other children,” he explains. “I stayed at home and didn’t get to learn.” But refusing to let things get on top of him – apart from hair – Chuy tackled a few vocations. “I worked on a farm and I worked in a garage. I also worked shifts at a car wash. But the best way for me to earn money is to join the circus, like my cousins before me.” It’s not surprising that Chuy has encountered prejudice for his appearance, but by trading off of his wolf-like looks, at least the public’s interest is ringing the till. “My cousins (who also have hypertrichosis) performed in shows and I decided to do the same. There are

ALTERNATIVE JOBS FOR WOLF BOY SELLING PHONES AT CARPHONE WEREWOLF MASCOT AT WOLVERHAMPTON WANDERERS ADVERTISING WASH&GOOOOOOOOOO!

only 50 people in the world with this condition and nearly half are related to me.” Chuy’s family believe they are descended from Julia Pastrana, who trod the boards as ‘Monkey Girl’ in the early 19th century. “My sister has it, and works as a police officer, and my young daughter has it also,” he explains. “I met another man in China, on Facebook, and he has the same appearance, and we chat now and again online.” The internet: bringing wolf people together.

features

Simon Cowell and David Hasselhoff on Britain’s Got Talent in 2011. Chuy is a mutant. We’re not being rude when we call Chuy a mutant, as hypertrichosis – a rare condition that sees exceptional hair growth and coverage – is caused by a mutated gene. Terminal hypertrichosis sees the entire body covered in hair, like the famous Stephan Bibrowski, aka Lionel The Lion-faced Man, a Polish gent who wowed the public in the early 1900s.

“Damn, it doesn’t accept NatWolf cards”

hair be monsters

So how does this specialist performer keep his prized asset looking its best? “I use a shampoo on the face, the same formula I use on my head,” he says, in between sips of tea. “I let it grow out a little while on tour and trim around the mouth and nose, and eyes.” As he sips tea, we can’t help thinking that a frothy latte would cause all kinds of trouble. Married three times thus far, Chuy has found that some women really go for his look. Maybe the same ones who go knock-kneed over Jeremy Clarkson or Hulk Hogan. Or Fozzy Bear. “The women like to touch it and stroke it,” he laughs. “It’s not a problem.” It seems that he has a taste for British ladies too. “I love Adele,” he says, his eyes shining. “Adele is a lovely. Very nice!” As Adele lives but a stone’s throw from here, who knows – maybe we could hook them up for a little ‘rolling in the deep’, as long as a gun-loving farmer doesn’t think he’s after his sheep. Chuy is loving the UK and was pleased when the Circus Of Horrors played Manchester, home to his loaded.co.uk l 105

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wolf boy Dr Haze had been looking to boost his Circus Of Horrors – which began life at Glastonbury in 1995 – since Britain’s Got Talent sent their profile nuclear; and Wolf Boy is a big draw. “People are fascinated by him,” explains the good Doctor (although we wouldn’t trust him to perform the simplest of medical procedures). “He’s a star.”

favourite team, United. Surely he should be supporting Wolves? “Nah, Manchester United,” he says proudly. “They will be champions this year. My favourite player? Chicharito!”

hairy moments

The subject of a BBC documentary in 2005, the Wolf Boy is able to offset the sometimes negative reaction of the general public with the positivity of promoters, celebrities, documentary makers, and er, men’s mag journalists. “Johnny Knoxville from Jackass is a fan,” says Chuy, “and I did a music video for the (Norwegian punk-metal) band Turbonegro, which was fun. The BBC filmed me a few years back, with me clean shaven, trying to get a normal job. It didn’t work out so well.” Discrimination is something Chuy has just had to get used to. And school? Can you imagine it? “It was difficult for me. The first few days, the impact is difficult. The initial moment is the worst.” Nights out entail drunken men trying to fight him, so it’s probably no bad thing that he has given up the grog. “I got quite ill and the doctor told me to lay off the alcohol,” he says. “I was very sick one time, and decided to give it up for good.” It’s pretty clear following a number of daft questions relating to full moons, raw meat and giant fangs that Chuy’s similarities with the werewolf end with the facial fur. Indeed, his stage act doesn’t see him pushing the moon-howling concept. Instead, the ‘act’ sees our hairy friend, replete in Spanish waiter garb, scaling a stepladder of swords, and inserting a silver spoon up his nose – neither of which wolves are renowned for. “The people accept me here on this tour, not like on the street,” says Chuy. At that moment, a 40-something skateboarder zips by and rudely stares at our friend. But who really looks the more ridiculous? The Circus Of Horrors had no trouble in finding their wolf boy. Dr Haze, the main man behind the touring band of freaks and weirdos, simply tapped Chuy up on Facebook – job done. The difficulty came when UK Border Control said that Chuy could only join the Circus Of Horrors if a UK Wolf Boy was not available for work. So began surely the oddest headhunt in history. “I placed a nationwide ad for every job agency, simply saying ‘Wanted: Wolf Boy’,” Dr Haze explains. “I had to make sure that no British wolf boys had been overlooked. Crazy! We stipulated any candidate had to have a minimum of 60,000 follicles on their face. Of course no one showed up. Ridiculous!”

howl’s about that?

It’s late afternoon and loaded takes to the stage of the Brighton Theatre Royal, just hours before lights up. Wolf Boy is getting into character and is kneeling on the stage, crossing himself in that time-honoured Catholic fashion. A man is cracking a giant bullwhip while a contortionist bends her limbs like rubber. A dwarf is strolling the stage. This little man will be carrying a bowling ball around later. With his willy. It’s a lively and happy bunch at the Circus Of Horrors and a protective home for the hairy one. “I don’t really like being outside in the street too much,” he confides. “Here, no one judges me. I am safe.” Staring at the empty seats, it’s hard to imagine what goes through a performer’s mind when the lights go up, never mind the nerves felt by a man trading on his physical similarities to a wild dog. “I don’t like to be too near the audience,” he explains, “as you can see right up close and it makes me feel awkward.” Three hours later, the theatre is full and the excitement backstage is palpable. The show is a little like Rocky Horror meets The X Factor. Loud rock music explodes into life and Dr Haze, in top hat and make-up whips up the crowd: “Let’s see you, Brighton!” Backstage, our wolf friend is helping out the other acts and psyching himself up. When the introduction comes, he steps out into the limelight. A 5ft 7in Spanish waiter with a face like a deep pile carpet. We see a few audience members analysing his face and taking it all in as he produces a silver dessert spoon from his pocket and slowly introduces the entire object into his furry nose. Cue applause. The Walk of Death is made to look very easy as Chuy stretches out his arms and balances on the sword blades. He tells us earlier that this is an act that has seen some injuries, but his feet now seem hardened to the sharpened steel. He finishes his act with a bow and takes in the crowd’s affection. He may have been treated like a pariah elsewhere, but in this theatre tonight, the Wolf Boy is in his element. So, if you want to see a half-man, half-wolf – and indeed a man of restricted height carrying a bowling ball by his penis – then you you know where to come. Book your tickets now-oooooooo!!!! ■ loaded Circus of Horrors are touring this month. Visit circusofhorrors.co.uk for dates

‘i placed a nationwide ad in every job agency, saying ‘wanted: wolf boy’ His audition for Splash was original, if unsuccessful

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muhammad ali

M U H A M M A D

A L I

LAST ROUND â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;the greatestâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; was 39 and way past his fleetfooted best. but he was determined, against all advice, to take on one last challenge

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features

muhammad ali

A

muhAmmad ali Words hayley coyle

t 39 years old, the man born Cassius Marcellus Clay Jr. had endured almost three decades of being punched repeatedly. Blows powerful enough to knock out, if not kill, most people had relentlessly pummelled his head and body. Having begun boxing as a skinny 12-year-old in Louisville, Kentucky, the damage – to both his body and brain – had been steadily creeping up on him for years. But the man now known as Muhammad Ali possessed a stupendous ego, which was both his biggest blessing and his greatest curse. So he refused to believe the magic was over and on December 11, 1981 he made his way into the ring for one last challenge. His opponent was Trevor Berbick, 27, a man in his prime.

The Jamaican man-machine was freshly buzzing from a stellar performance in a Las Vegas title fight against WBC Heavyweight champion Larry Holmes. He had lost the 15-round bout on points, and was chomping at the bit to restore some pride against someone as esteemed and high profile as Ali. Ali’s wife at the time, Veronica, his mother and even his doctors begged Ali not to fight any more. His central nervous system was showing the strain and his speech was starting to slur. But Ali – obstinate, obsessed, brilliant, but ultimately delusional – ignored them all. He claimed the world title could be his for the fourth time, if victory over Berbick could just secure him another shot at the title. This forgotten archive of pictures capture Ali’s last loaded.co.uk l 109

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muhammad ali days of training in the run-up to his last hurrah. These rarelyseen images are melancholy, certainly, but his playful exhibitionism also peeps through. Although Ali’s body had started to let him down, his sheer willpower and unbreakable spirit pushed him through the pain barrier before his showdown with Berbick that Christmas in Nassau, Bahamas.

end of an era

About 14 months before, Ali, who converted to Islam in 1964 and later to Sunni Islam in 1975, had taken an absolute pounding at the hands of Larry Holmes – a fight that should have represented his swansong in professional boxing. Critics described it as one of the worst episodes in boxing history. Ali was totally destroyed by his 31-year-old opponent. He was most likely in the early stages of Parkinson’s disease and his trademark fluidity, grace and magnificent reflexes were basically shot. Some fans watched the fight through tears, knowing they were witnessing the end of the Ali legend. Concerns for his health were so great that promoters of the Ali/Berbick fight even released a medical report before the event – controversially, it declared Ali to be in ‘excellent health’ – essentially giving the green light for him to face another 10 rounds of merciless combat. Yet a few years earlier, Ali’s doctor Ferdie Pacheco had actually quit after he urged Ali to retire and his advice was rebuffed. Pacheco said that Ali’s brain damage was evident in his speech, which had become thick and slow, “like coffee with too many grounds in it”. Ali rubbished these claims and defended his affected speech by saying, just before the Berbick fight: “I still make sense, don’t I? I’m not one of them punch drunk fighters. My face is still pretty, no marks on it.” For this bout, Ali vowed to lose a stone and a half. Just before he went into the ring he told reporters he weighed 232lb – but the general consensus was that most of it had settled around his middle. What makes these images so poignant is that they show Ali’s last-ditch attempt to regain his former physical perfection. A battle that is so obviously in vain. According to New York Times sports columnist George Vecsey, who shadowed Ali in Nassau in the

Sweat and tears: Ali poses in the ring for photos

“And now, the end is near...”

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“he said he weighed only 232lb. most of it seemed to be around his waist”

features

“Who ate all the pies? Come here and say that!”

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muhammad ali run up to the fight, ‘The Greatest’ claimed he was running six miles, three times a week. But in the image where Ali is seen from behind, solo, making his way down a deserted, Caribbean street he apparently only managed to chug just over a mile that day. Half-walking, he threw punches as he carried two weights in his fists. During the same dawn jog he met a young man also out for an early morning run and was delighted to stop and spar with him for a few minutes. The man asked, perplexed: “What you doing here? You fighting again?”

an air of defeat

After no more than two miles, Ali’s limousine came to pick him up and returned him to the hotel, exhausted. His gait seems clumsy in the pictures and there is an air of defeat that permeates the black and white shots. But when snapped shadow boxing in an empty ring he is gripped with steely concentration, sweat glistening on his brow. A glimpse of the old Ali shines through and he seems more at home than when training on the palm tree-lined streets. However, the day before the run, Ali gave a sparring session for around 300 tourists at his hotel, at a charge of $3 a ticket. His performance was described by witnesses as “bleak” as he pushed and shoved a younger, lighter opponent about for nine rounds before slipping into a plodding two-step that was, according to Vecsey, a “parody of the young Ali”. Though the crowd were most likely disappointed after the lacklustre show, Ali managed to bewitch them with the other way he knew best… by outrageously mouthing off. From the edge of the stage he shouted: “Today you saw me sharpening my defence. Every day I work on something different. When I fight Berbick I will be dancing all night. Do you have any questions? “You say I’m still pretty… tell me something new, man!” Later on that day he lay on a bed behind the stage, wrapped in a white robe like a king ready for burial, confessing to being tired, but refusing to admit any weakness. He said: “Why is everyone so worried about me fighting Berbick? What’s wrong with me trying it? You ever see so many people worried about one black guy in your life? I’m gonna beat Berbick badder than Holmes did.”

Inevitably, he didn’t. He lost on points by a unanimous decision after 10 rounds at the Queen Elizabeth Sports Centre. That he lasted so long is just further proof of a soldier’s mind in a body that was ready to give out. In truth, he took a brutal beating – so much so that one young observer swore revenge on his behalf. That man was Mike Tyson, who would face Berbick in the ring in November 1986. Berbick had finally won the WBC title against Pinklon Thomas eight months previously, and after the 20-year-old Tyson bludgeoned the Jamaican to earn a second-round stoppage in Las Vegas, he recalled the drama in the Bahamas. Tyson said: “I just thought he unmercifully beat the crap out of Ali. I just thought that he didn’t have to do that. This guy, Ali, was absolutely helpless... Ali couldn’t do nothing.”

retired, but still fighting

Soon after the Nassau fight, Ali announced his retirement and three years later, he was officially diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease.

He never fought again. Since then, Ali’s health has declined steadily. But the dad-ofnine isn’t a man to entertain any regrets. In fact, in 2011, 30 years after that last fight, he issued a statement published in The Nassau Gazette thanking the nation for hosting the bout. Now 71, Ali is in the last throes of the degenerative curse that is Parkinson’s. He’s wheelchair-bound, and can barely speak. But his soul fights on, even as those closest to him, such as his legendary trainer Angelo Dundee, pass away around him. Periodically, reports emerge that he is at death’s door, most recently when his brother Rahman came out and claimed that it may only be a matter of days. But in a typical show of defiance, Ali had his daughter post a Twitter picture of him watching the Superbowl from his Arizona home, wearing a shirt featuring Baltimore Ravens star linebacker Ray Lewis. “I’m so mean I make medicine sick,” he once said. Without a doubt, Muhammad Ali won’t be going out quietly. n loaded

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features

Some people you just donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want to get into a road rage row with

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razor

RAZOR Words JAMES HARTNETT Photography ANTONIO PETRONZIO Styling BELLA ROX

Forget the Fair Play League. The new Zip mag columnist talks booze, birds, tackles, diving, money, chairmen and, of course, his dick...

‘‘D

o what you want to me, I’m your bitch,” declares Razor Ruddock as we show him into the studio. In one of loaded’s more unorthodox shoots, one of football’s greats is lying amid two models with his kit off. The girls don’t seem to mind either, and the former centre back goes from being suited and booted to knee-deep in clunge in no time – he’s just hoping his fiancee doesn’t mind. Beer in one hand, fag in the other, what stands before us in his tighty whities is the very pinnacle of a man who lived life with no regrets. Even his name is bad ass. The Celebrity Big Brother housemate’s mentality hasn’t changed since he hung up his boots, and his glory days are far from over. A little worse for wear and leaving little to our imagination, Razor is only too keen to relive his heyday as we caught up with him – trousers now on. “Two young girls with bras on, this is taking me right back to my youth,” he sighs. “I was a party animal back

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razor

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razor “COME GET SOME!”

then, 22 and earning a fortune.” While strict diets and training regimes dominate the life of a Premier League footballer today, not one manager could keep track of Razor’s antics. “Footballers nowadays are getting tons a week but couldn’t enjoy their money like we did,” he recalls. “They can’t go to pubs and clubs and let their hair down like we did. We had a drinking culture, especially at Liverpool – if you didn’t drink you didn’t play for the club. Every Tuesday we had to go out and get smashed, it was what we called team bonding – even the gaffer didn’t mind.” What with all the attention footballers receive, Razor had plenty of safeguards in place during his sessions. “When I was out I used to drink half pints – not to pace myself but so when people looked at you they’d think you were clever, being sensible by drinking less. Then you’d drink double that. Stick a few vodkas in your cokes, just don’t fall over. If you ever see me sensible, shoot me. Train hard, play hard, drink hard. Win, draw or lose, you booze.” His managers knew exactly of his antics. “Terry Venables in particular knew me inside

‘‘I’m not bad at drinking myself though – I’d destroy you lot. I’m like an apache warrior. A drunken apache warrior”

out,” he remembers. “He knew where I’d been. I don’t know how he knew, he just did. He wasn’t over the top discipline-wise, but he always knew what we got up to. Same with George Graham at Millwall, Harry Redknapp at West Ham and Graeme Souness at Liverpool. Can’t blame them though, I’ve been arrested tons. I got arrested for affray when we had a party as West Ham – not guilty of course. Waking up in a cell knowing you’ll be late for training and having to tell the manager you’ve been nicked wasn’t fun.”

bad boy

Regret is a word Razor distances himself from, though. With retirement, any leashes he might have had were chewed to the core ages ago. “The problem with footballers at the moment is that they’re so disciplined. My rule was not to drink two days before a game, that was it. Now, you can’t celebrate New Years Eve, Christmas, or any holidays because you’re always locked up in a hotel in preparation for a game. Christmas Day you’d open presents and go training. ‘They’d then take you to a hotel because you’re playing on Boxing Day. When you retire you start living your teenage years again, there was no discipline back then. When they retire, they’ve got nobody telling them off and go a bit over the top.”

Razor paused, before cracking a smile. “I’m starting to realise now why I was in rehab when I was 35. I’ve done alright though, haven’t I? I’m steady, I’m engaged now too.” Indeed, Razor’s only gone and caught a pinup beauty for his troubles. We just hope after fiancée Leah Newman sees these photos the situation stays like that. He laughs at the thought, before giving us more. “I met her in Iraq actually, when I was entertaining the troops through a company called Soccer Speaker. I went out there and she was Playboy centrefold of the month. It took me a week before she buckled. Eight years and two kids later, I’ve ruined her. Not bad for a fat lad!”

the good life

With the picture-perfect lady and two children, most men would be content enough, but not Razor. When the opportunity arose, he wasted little time stamping his claim on Ashford nightclub Hustle, which he manages to this day. “With the amount of money I spent there I thought I better own it. It’s an excuse for me to get out. All the lads are in there, it’s a great meeting place. Bars always are – and golf courses. A lot of business is done on golf courses. And you can tell your Mrs you’re going for a game of golf, which

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razor Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s round here somewhere

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razor “This is cool, honestly”

then gives you six hours to get on the piss.” After downing his third pint within the hour, we relished the chance for a piss up with the self-confessed hard man and he was only too eager to suggest how. “Pub golf, period. I’m a big fan of pub golf, especially round Covent Garden but you’ve got to wear your glove, drink with your glove, do it by the book.”

Kidnap

“Newbies have no chance!” he laughs. “We had 30 rules to follow, like you can’t be more than five paces away from your drink. We took it to Dublin once, kidnapped the cabbie and paid his night’s wages. He ended up falling over and having ten stitches on his head where he hit the floor. I’m not bad at drinking myself though, I’d destroy you lot. I’m like an apache warrior. A drunken apache warrior.” At that moment, our conversation abruptly stopped as Razor turned towards us with a cold stare, before a huge laugh let rip. We weren’t too keen on ending up face down self-induced in our own blood and vomit, but this tame beast was far from a bruiser. “Take me on a night out, I’ll show you the real Razor, but on the pitch I was quite sensible! I was aggressive of course – coming from a council estate that’s the way of life, hit someone harder than they’d hit you and all that.” He’s racked up quite the roll of honour, too. With 358 club appearances, it’s little wonder Razor’s parents never quite supported his playing style. With a father chuffed that his son had played for England, his mother hated it.

“My mum never watched me play because she got nervous. She’d watch on TV with panic. I got hurt loads of times, broken legs, broken noses, fractured eye sockets, but if you’re going to give it you’ve got to take it. It doesn’t hurt when you get whacked, it’s part of the game. I used to squeeze my cuts so I bled more and looked harder. I never got to the Terry Butcher stage though – that was beautiful.” Play hard, that seemed to be the motto of the day. He once broke both of Andy Cole’s legs after the Manchester United forward had a tiff with Razor’s former teammate Teddy Sheringham. He’d relish playing against Eric Cantona, turning the Elvis-esque collar down to throw Cantona’s game off. He’d love nothing more than to kick Ronaldo. He’d probably start a fight in the park if you stepped on his toe. “I only wound Eric up because it was fun. He was a good footballer, and if I played

‘‘Take me on a night out and I’ll show you the real Razor, but on the pitch I was quite sensible. I was aggressive though, on a council estate that’s a way of life”

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razor

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razor

‘‘Getting whacked is part of the game. I used to squeeze my cuts so I bled more and looked harder. I never got to the Terry Butcher stage though – that was beautiful” fairly against him he’d destroy me. I’d rather he want to hurt me after winding him up than have him run me around the field for 90 minutes. I didn’t mean to hit Andy Cole hard either, just a tap – it wasn’t big or clever. I’d do the same with Ronaldo though. He’s grating, isn’t he? I’m not sure how long it’d take to injure him though, you’d have to catch him first!”

GROOMING JOHANNA DALEMO

firm but fair

Where Razor may have an aggressive nature, it’s far from a dark side. His playing style is hard but diplomatic – mess with him and you’ve only got yourself to blame; leave him be, and he’ll share a pint with you. He’s not reckless, far from it in fact, but like many fans out there what really angers him is cheating. “Sadly, diving is part and parcel of the game. If a striker is running at you and he’s done you by skill then you do him and he goes down, that’s your fault. When they don’t get touched and go down, that’s cheating. When I played we used to smash each other up, so the referee would tell us off and say the next one will get a booking – you knew where you stood. Now the game’s becoming a non-contact sport like basketball. Even shoulder-to-shoulder are a

bookable offence now. With so much money in football nowadays, Razor feels there are far too many in the game merely for a pay check. “It’s 50/50. There’s players out there that’d do

it for nothing and some that want to earn a quick buck and move on. Fair enough going to the MLS at the end of a career to top your bank balance up, after you’ve established yourself. Look at Beckham, look at Drogba, they’ve won everything, but players that move purely for cash ruin the game.” He wasn’t finished. “Football clubs are about business now, they’re run by businessmen not fans. It’s a cut-throat business, there’s no loyalty either way. They don’t want you, they get rid. You want more, you leave.” He was full of praise for The Special One though. “Jose’s one person we need back,” he says. “He was a great advert for the English game. He was the only man to give Ferguson a challenge, and the way he used to wind Wenger up every season was brilliant.” A lifestyle of balls, booze and breasts, Razor’s not done too badly. He even shredded four and a half stone through a Lighter Life diet consisting of milkshakes and soups for three months, though it didn’t take long for him to realise this wasn’t him. “I missed the drink, the solid foods, the finer things,” he adds. “I did get to see my dick though – briefly.” ■ loaded Want more of Razor? He is a new columnist in our sister weekly mag Zip, out now.

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Channel 200 www.loaded.tv

The SuperBike Show

Looser Women Live

Let’s be honest, Top Gear is past its best, and everyone knows that two wheels are far cooler than four. So Loaded’s sister mag Superbike presents the reviews, previews and features on the best bikes in the market – mixed with a bit of banter of course! Hosted by former BSB champion and current Brit Eurosport commentator James Whitham.

A new chat show with some of the sexiest girls on your tele talking noholds barred. Anything could happen in our one hour live episode! With Lucy Pinder and Nicola McLean, this show doesn’t stop making headlines! Tweet your questions to ask our guests anything you like! #looserwomen

Tuesdays @ 21.00

Wednesdays & Sundays @ 22.00

Off The Bar Fridays @ 21.00

Matthew Lorenzo presents the premiership preview show, straight from the pub (where else?) with Tony Gale and guest celebs. The panel tackle all the biggest issues in the game as the season reaches its latter stages.

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stunt girl

t s a F &ious

r u F

STUNT GIRL Words BEN DUFFY PhotographyJAY MAWSON Styling BELLA ROX

Would you risk looks like these to be a stuntwoman in action movies? Motocross champion Katy Bullock would...

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features Bra top from intimissimi, sleeveless leather jacket from Topshop

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katy

F

or any young boy growing up, becoming a stuntman is right up there with the dream professions, think Evel Knievel.

Throwing yourself out of cars, riding motorbikes and diving off cliffs for a living – it seems every bit as glamorous as the job of a pro footballer, astronaut or nudie lady photographer for your average youngster. But for every action man in today’s film industry, there is an action woman. It stands to reason – if you look at the planet’s most beautiful actresses, throwing themselves around in dangerous situations on set, potentially breaking a nail or scraping a knee are big negatives. And risking decapitation, death or even broken bones is simply not an option. So physically presentable young women who are willing and able to hurl themselves into harm’s way in place of the ‘talent’ is as pressing a need for a filmmaker as the services of those superstar thespians themselves. That’s how 22-year-old Katy Bullock was able to utilise her skills racing motocross bikes to grace the silver screen in the film Fast and Furious. “I was contacted by the makers of the film who saw some footage of me online,” says Katy. “There was a bike chase scene in the movie and I fitted the look that they wanted. “It was a great experience and since then I have wanted to work in movies so I am concentrating on the other disciplines I need to master in order to do it professionally.”

wheely saying something

Katy began racing motorbikes as a toddler and has won several British titles. She is Miss ArenaCross 2013, and is currently taking part in the ArenaCross tour against some of the UK’s top riders.  “I’ve done it all my life – it was like a family tradition,” she says. “My dad got me into it when I was three and I have never stopped.  “I started training properly on motorbikes when I was 10 and had my first competition when I was 12. It was a trial and then I went on to do club events, then UK events, and

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then some big European events. “You get a real adrenalin rush from it, and it keeps me fit.” Despite being big fans of motorbikes, at first her parents weren’t too keen on their little girl racing around the dirt tracks of the North, but it soon became apparent that Katy was more than capable of handling herself. “I went out once in the snow and stuck to the ground like glue (not literally, we hope. She wouldn’t have got very far – Ed),” she explains, “and they saw I would be fine.”

crossing over

Despite all of the thrill-seeking benefits of Motocross, it’s pretty difficult to actually make a decent living from it. “The downside is that there is no money in it,” admits Katy, “which is why I have started moving into stunting.” When she was was contacted by the Fast and Furious production team about doing some stunting, she didn’t need asking twice. “I met all of the guys and it was really cool, and that’s when I decided it was what I wanted to do. So I quit my day job in an office in Doncaster so I could train full-time. Of course, any big business like the movie industry has its own rules and regulations to be met. It’s not just a matter of turning up and revving up – a fully registered ‘stunter’ has to be versatile, and able to perform six different disciplines at international level to earn a decent living in Hollywood. “I have the biking discipline sorted and now I need to do two martial arts, high diving from 10m boards trampoline, scuba diving or rock climbing. “Once you have your six disciplines at international level then it is easy to get some more money. It is dangerous, but I like that, and if anything did go wrong then there is an ambulance there on hand.” Oh well, no worries then. And if any film director should happen to need a singing, dancing, acting, stunt-performing starlet, she is also talented off the bike, having impressed Cheryl Cole on The X Factor. “I got through the first audition and got as far as the final round of bootcamp, but then I got sent home. I would love to act on screen as well and do my own stunts –

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stunt girl that would be great. Like a female James Bond! “One step at a time though – just having anything to do with the movies would be amazing.” One thing that is obvious about Katy is that she’s not afraid to get her hands dirty. She pushes the extremely heavy bike up three flight of stairs, despite your slightly unfit loaded correspondent offering to ride it up the stairs. We’re nothing if not chivalrous.

Bra top by Playful Promise, leather trousers by River Island

taking on the boy racers

HAIR AND MAKE UP: HELEN SUTTON

Being one of the sexiest girls on two wheels, you would think some of the male bikers she goes up against might be distracted by her presence, but they’d soon learn their lesson – she frequently leaves the boys eating dust. “I have always been very competitive. I did trials until the last two years, but recently I have stepped it up doing more endurance racing so the risks go up. “Motocross is on a fixed course and there are 40 riders all going round over jumps. There are some ladies in the sport but it is a massively male-dominated sport. “I don’t get too much attention from the other riders as I’m not turning up in full make-up or anything so it’s kind of like I am a boy for the day when I race. “They do give me respect though, and if I pass someone fairly you do see some of the other riders trying desperately to get back because they have been taken by a girl! It can also work in my favour though as they don’t really try and get me off the bike like some of the guys do to each other.” Respect from the other racers has also been earned because of her success from such a young age. “I was British champion, European international trials champion in 2009, and in the past two years I have raced for one of the biggest enduro teams – I was the first girl to become a member ever.” So next time you see Jessica Alba or another ‘A’ List honey racing away from a murderous gang but still managing to look stunning, consider that the ass you are looking at could well be Katy’s. ■ loaded Katy will be competing in a range of off-road events this year. Visit Enduro-Sprint.com for more details

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features

stunt girl

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cold mickystone flanagan

STONE COLD Words adam THORN

t’s August 3, 1997, and Steve Williams is lying motionless on the canvas at the Continental Airlines Arena in East Rutherford, New Jersey. To the 20,000 ecstatic wrestling fans who have come to see him fight Owen Hart at Summer Slam, this is all part of the night’s entertainment, another plot device in the back-and-forth duel for the Intercontinental title, where the loser will, in true WWF fashion, have to kiss the other’s arse. But back in reality, things have gone very, very wrong. Steve isn’t acting now, he has lost the feeling in most of his limbs, as a horrific pain surges up his spine. Just moments before, Hart bodged the most dangerous ‘finisher’ move in the business – the Tombstone Piledriver.

It’s a move that should give the illusion of crushing an opponent’s head into the mat. Except there is no illusion: Williams’ 250lb body has just been slammed skull-first, triggering axial load – otherwise known as a major impact to the spinal cord. He is now all but paralysed. His lack of movement is causing whispers in the crowd. Yet after 90 seconds, Williams starts to regain enough movement to lift his head up and whisper to the ref, Earl Hebner: “Tell him [Hart] not to fucking touch me, I can’t move.” The ref relays the message to Hart, who buys him time by showboating. Williams now manages to contort his body into a crawl position, even though he has lost feeling in his hands, and finally grabs Hart’s legs from behind to instigate the pin to end the match. Fantasy now over, three refs surge towards him and drag his near-lifeless body out of the ring. loaded.co.uk l 129

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kings of leon “Hang on – I’m looking for the gents’ toilets. Have I taken a wrong turn?”

STEVE-AMANIA RULES

“I said no more photos”

Fast forward 16 years, and a familiar voice is on the line to loaded. “Yoooooo Adam! What’s happening?” growls Steve ‘Austin’ Williams in that unmistakable Stone Cold Texan drawl as we’re introduced, while the office gets all giddy with excitement. Because to any self-respecting 12-year-old growing up in the early noughties, there was only one bona-fide hero that dominated talk in the playground – and it was the now 48-year-old Texan wrecking machine we’re interviewing. This writer remembers staying up all night to watch whatever bonkers pay-per-view offering the WWF could serve up, starring characters like The Rock, Triple H or The Big Show. In fact – next to a tug over Britney Spears dancing with that boa constrictor – it really didn’t get any better for a young nipper marooned in UK suburbia. But before we get into the stuff that made his name... just how did he survive that near-death incident? “Man, I thought I was going to be paralysed,” he sighs. “I thought I was going to be a quadriplegic from that point on. I figured I was going to be the next Christopher Reeve. It was a risky moment, but I never panicked. I called a doctor in the ring and concentrated on getting some movement back in my limbs so I could crawl.” Of course, the craziest thing is that, despite being near death, Austin risked his life, or at least further terminal injury, to finish the match. The injury he suffered would see him out of action for three months, forfeit his newlyacquired title, and cause repercussions from the injury that would ultimately cut short his career. “A lot of guys try and go above and beyond the call of duty. We’re not doctors, we’re wrestlers, and things do go wrong – that night I was just trying to make chicken salad out of chicken shit.” But Stone Cold Steve Austin wasn’t the usual breed of slightly camp, overweight grappler wearing garish latex. This is the man who dragged American wrestling into the modern age. Stone Cold was a character who was walking, uncensored carnage. He swore at the boss, he smashed up the ring, he drove over The Rock’s car in a monster truck and, most importantly, he drank a shitload of beer. But getting to that point was anything but easy.

After verbally trashing Hulk Hogan in ECW, he paves the way for the “Stone Cold” character.

KING OF THE RING

Winning the 1996 title, Stone Cold creates a merchandise craze with his “Austin 3:16” speech – a hellraising legacy is born.

HART ATTACK

Austin battles Bret “Hitman” Hart in a blood-soaked bout at Wrestlemania XIII – considered Stone Cold’s finest fight.

STONE COLD CHAMP

Overcoming a broken neck, Austin wins his first world title at Wrestlemania XIV to kick-start WWF’s “Attitude Era”.

born to raise hell

Originally surnamed Anderson, Steve’s father walked out on the family when he was a kid, before his mother remarried to country-and-western singer and part-time rancher Kevin Williams, who later adopted him. As a teenager, he would spend Saturday evenings watching Houston Wrestling, but he also gained a football scholarship at the prestigious North Texas State

TURNING “HEEL”

Facing The Rock at Wrestlemania X-Seven, Austin shocks the world by joining forces with enemy Mr. McMahon

University. He would go on to come just 17 hours short of completing his course before – spontaneously – quitting to pursue his wrestling dreams. It would mean driving a fork lift truck during the week and wrestling every Saturday, but he was determined to get there. After five months training he was put forward for his first televised match, on May 11, 1989 on World Class Championship Wrestling against Cajun wrestler Frogman LeBlanc. Despite being hopelessly unprepared, he gave his opponent an almighty beating in the ring. And as he gained more experience, he soon moved up the ranks of small-town America’s wrestling circuit. But with no money and no career security, amateur wrestlers back in the late ‘80s led a life of unenviable poverty. “When I started, I was eating raw potatoes for breakfast, lunch and dinner, peeling them with my pocket knife because I didn’t have anything to prepare them with,” he remembers. “But they were some of the most fun days of my life. I was paying

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micky flanagan p diddy Puff: going down down down in a... OK cheap gag

A refreshing beverage or two after defeating The Rock in 1999

my dues and working in a different town every night and hanging out with veterans. Those were hard times, but they were some of the most enjoyable times I’ve had.” His tour of the lower divisions lasted two years before he got a call to the big leagues of WCW – where his earnings went from a few hundred dollars a month to $300,000 a year. Adopting the character ‘Stunning’ Steve Austin, he got to grapple with icons including Rick Flair and Hulk Hogan. But during a tour of Japan, while attempting a jump off the turnstiles, he tore his tricep right off his elbow. As he lay in rehab, WCW’s top producer Eric Bishoff sacked him – over the phone. “He actually told me I would never amount to anything and then he fired me,” he admitted years later. It was a huge blow. Bishoff wasn’t just a big name in the industry, he was the name at the time, and being told you’re pretty shit by The Bish is today’s equivalent of, well, Simon Cowell spitting in your face.

Now near-penniless and jobless, while also trying to support a family, his confidence was at an all-time low when he received a call from ECW – Extreme Championship Wrestling – a cult group in Philadelphia popular for its violent and hardcore style. ECW’s then-boss Paul E – known to wrestling fans as Paul Hayman – hatched a plan to capitalise on Steve’s anger while taking a swipe at the rival organisation. Steve would be paid $500 a night, not to wrestle, but to slate the boss who fired him. All live on cable television. And it was this opportunity that let Steve – then known as a solid in-ring ‘mechanic’ – create the character that would become Stone Cold Steve Austin. loaded.co.uk l 131

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stone cold

PICS: GETTY, CORBIS

The Rock’s surprise toe-tickle proved subtle but efeective

“I had a place to let loose,” he says, “and ECW gave me the liberty and the licence.” Not long afterwards, he got a call from WWF supremo Vince McMahon to take him to WWF. Only rather than building on the character he created at ECW, they instead wanted him to play ‘The Ringmaster’. It was a financial lifeline, but he was hired to be cannon fodder for the other wrestlers on the roster. “WWF had a plan for me and gave me a gimmick,” he recalls “but they never had a design to be a main event character. But I needed more money than I was making in ECW and I knew I had to make the next step. When I saw ‘The Ringmaster’, I knew it would be a flop and that’s when I started thinking and came up with the Stone Cold gimmick.” Vince McMahon gave the concept the OK and the character soon exploded in popularity. “The fact I unleashed it on them and explained it to them meant it was organic; it was who and what I am in my competitive nature and work ethic,” he recalls. “Had someone just said ‘You’re going be this guy’, I don’t know if I could have pulled it off.” But pull it off he did. He won titles including three Royal Rumbles, six WWF Championships, three Tag Team Championships and one King of the Ring. But it wasn’t so much about the

accomplishments as the moments. He drove out in his own (fully customised we might add) beer truck, filled up owner Vince McMahon’s car with concrete, drove over The Rock’s sports car and even got arrested in the ring. He flogged more merchandise and sold more payper-view tickets than any wrestler ever. In 1998, some reports state he sold 12 million T-shirts, generating his paymasters an astonishing $250 million that year in sales alone.

last chance saloon

However, as his career went on, the ravaging long-term effects from that Piledriver pushed him into retirement, with just one fight left against The Rock to end a glittering career. But there was more drama in store. The night before what is still considered the biggest wrestling match of all time, Stone Cold found himself in a hospital – fearing for his life. His legs started uncontrollably shaking and he rang his hotel reception screaming down the phone: “I think I’m having a heart attack.” “Physically, I look like somebody who deserves the name Stone Cold, but truthfully, I’m a walking disaster area,” he commented in his autobiography. “My back, neck and knees are a mess. I’ve got two fused discs in my back and others just barely holding together. When

Austin rolls over The Rock, 2001

I stepped off that elevator [in the hotel], my heart started going at 180 beats a minute. I thought I was going to die right there... I just got lucky that WWF called in the paramedics.” He was then rushed to hospital as doctors noticed his heart beat and blood pressure had risen to dangerously high levels. “They got it settled down and put pints of fluid in me, gave me X-rays as I was severely dehydrated,” he recalls. “I was running too hard and partying too hard and staying up too late – I had just run myself ragged. But then when you’ve got to perform in a main event, you go the hospital the night before and don’t sleep – it was a rough day in the office.” It led to a disappointing last match, despite being between arguably the two most successful wrestlers of all time. “From a performance level I would have loved for it to be ten times what it was,” he admitted. “But the show must go on. I had to pass the torch to The Rock, and I was more than happy to do that. I just wished we could have given them a better ride, but anyone else would have done the same.” Now retired, Steve Williams is making the bulk of his living from reality shows and action movies, including his latest, The Package, opposite Rocky IV’s Dolph Lundgren. It’s now nearly ten years since his retirement, and those spinal injuries have eventually begun to heal. “Believe me, I can do whatever any of these other cats do in their action movies,” he jokes, bullishly. “A lot of people tell you ‘I do my own stunts’, but that’s total BS – those guys have two or three stunt guys – but when you see Steve Austin fighting then it’s Steve Austin fighting. Anything that anyone else can do, I can do too.” Anything else... well, how about that longawaited return to the ring? “I have moved on, and what would there be to gain? Could it happen? Yeah it could be done. If the stars all lined up, and the situation was perfect. For me to step back in the ring full time, there’s no future. But could I go? If I had to, for another couple of years? Absolutely.” So maybe our comeback king has one more fight left in him yet. And that’s the bottom line. Because Stone Cold said so (sorry). ■ loaded The Package is out now on Blu ray and DVD

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THE MANAGING DIRECTOR OF BRITISH “I CRIME FREDDIE FOREMAN Words STEVE WRAITH Photography ALASTAIR PULLEN

In 1960s London, it wasn’t just the Krays you needed to fear – it was also their friend and body burier, Freddie Foreman

shot Ginger Marks because he was with Jimmy Evans the night he shot my brother on his own doorstep – simple. And as for Frank Mitchell, well I did that as a favour for the twins.” Even at 80 years old, Freddie Foreman still cuts an intimidating fi gure. Maybe the tales he has to tell (like the above admissions, more of which later) have something to do with that. Then again, he is seated at a table in a Mayfair bar under the gaze of a painting of another famous leader of men, Winston Churchill, living up to his billing as ‘The Managing Director of British Crime’. There’s something cinematic about Foreman, even if he is long retired from the shady activities of his past. And that impression is reinforced when he gets himself half a Guinness and pulls out… not a shooter, thank god, but a treatment for a film script. “I have a couple of projects on the back burner at the moment,” he says, “and I’ve met quite a few people that are interested in doing a film of my

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freddie foreman â&#x20AC;&#x153;Now, tell me again why you need a loan...â&#x20AC;?

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OK, Mr Foreman, great photo. Can we have the gold back now, please? Please?

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freddie foreman

life story and we are looking for investors. The Long Good Friday was based on a lot of my story and I thought Bob Hoskins played a great part, but you would need somebody younger now. I’m open to offers.” It should be quite a role. Foreman grew up in wartime London and made the progression from childhood delinquency into crime with ease. His criminal CV was already filling up by the time he was introduced to the East End’s dominant gangster firm, the Krays, by Ronnie and Reggie’s older brother Charlie. “I really got on well with Charlie Kray,” he recalls, “and he eventually introduced me to his brothers. I got on well with them, but I never worked for them as such. I wasn’t an enforcer and I didn’t go around twisting people’s arms for them and collecting cash, as some people like to make out – that’s not my scene. “I didn’t answer to anybody. If the twins needed a favour they would come to me and vice versa – we helped each other out.”

you twin some, you lose some

“IF THE TWINS NEEDED A FAVOUR THEY WOULD COME TO ME”” “They should have both gone guilty on the respective murders and saved us from those 39 days in court and the sentences that followed.” The 35-year-old was acquitted of Mitchell’s murder, but got 10 years for helping to dispose of McVitie’s body. If anything though, Foreman’s reputation has been most enhanced by the crimes he didn’t do time for. Take, for example, the episode in January 1965 when jewel thief Jimmy Evans had a dispute with Freddie’s brother George, and teamed up with a fellow blagger named Thomas ‘Ginger’ Marks, who lured ‘Georgie’ out onto his doorstep so Evans could shoot him. Soon afterwards, Marks disappeared from outside Repton Boys’ Club boxing gym in Bethnal Green, and was never seen again. Freddie Foreman was long believed to be behind Marks’s murder, but it wasn’t until 10 years later that he was charged with the killing. That came about when Evans, who had hid under a parked car that night as his friend was abducted, stabbed a man in the early 1970s and was persuaded to testify against Foreman for Marks’ abduction and murder in return for a

The reign of the twins and their firm came to an end after one of Britain’s longest ever criminal trials. In 1969, The Kray Twins and several associates were convicted of involvement in the murders of double-crossing gang member Jack ‘The Hat’ McVitie in 1967 and George Cornell, a member of the rival Richardson gang from South London, who Ronnie Kray had shot in front of witnesses in the Blind Beggar Pub in Whitechapel a year previously. They also faced a separate trial for the murder of another Krays cohort, Frank ‘Mad Axeman’ Mitchell, who had escaped from Dartmoor prison then, like McVitie, disappeared. “Ronnie Kray was not in a good place (mentally),” admits Freddie, “and was on all sorts of medication. At one point he was telling one person to take the blame for this murder and another to take the blame for that one, and the next day he would be telling us to say that it had never happened. Madness.” Foreman still believes the twins Foreman (centre) with former should have handled the trial Kray associates Tony Lambrianou (second left) and Alec Steene differently, if only for the gang’s sake. (second right) and author of this

lighter sentence for his own crime. But Freddie was acquitted – the second time in six years he had escaped a murder rap.

true confessions

For years afterwards, speculation continued to spread as to Marks and Mitchell’s actual fate. That was until Foreman confessed his involvement in both crimes in his bestselling books Respect and Brown Bread Fred. “Mitchell was a big lump and a nuisance,” Foreman says of Mitchell. “The twins helped him escape from Dartmoor to help him raise his profile and secure a release date which the authorities were denying him. It didn’t happen, and he was uncontrollable and threatening to take matters into his own hands, so the twins asked me to get rid of him. He had stabbed my mate Bruce Reynolds in a bath house at Wandsworth a few years before and he nearly bled to death, so I had that in the back of my mind. It was a score that needed settling and me and my mate settled it. “What a lot of people don’t know about that story is that Frank Mitchell was tooled up that night. He had taken a gun out of the coats of one of the Kray firm looking after him in the flat where he was hiding. When we were walking him to the van he started flashing the gun towards us and saying that if he didn’t get what he wanted then he was going to find six coppers and shoot them with each bullet. “In the distance I could see a copper coming towards us doing his beat. I have no doubt that if Mitchell had seen him then he would have shot him.

feature, Steve Wraith (right)

Foreman (second row, second left) with Charlie and Reggie Kray at Ronnie Kray’s funeral, 1995

You still wouldn’t want to start anything, would you?

um sociis natoque penatibus et ma

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freddie foreman We could have ended up dead that night. What the Krays were thinking of sending us in blind like that is beyond me…”

Honestly, Mr Foreman, we only borrowed it

trains, planes and gold bullion

The Bruce Reynolds he mentions is of course the same man who helped mastermind the Great Train Robbery in August 1963, when 15 or more armed men netted £2.6 million (over £40m in today’s money). “Alfie and I were offered it,” he admits. “They wanted us to go in at the front. But I preferred to work with smaller numbers. I did help (convicted Train Robber) Ronnie Biggs out after his escape from Wandsworth prison, though, by getting him a good plastic surgeon and a couple of new identities, which got him to Australia and then Brazil.” Foreman also fled to sunnier climes – Spain’s ‘Costa del Crime’ – after the Security Express Robbery in London’s Shoreditch on Easter Monday 1983. The gang, which included Ronnie Knight (one-time husband of actress Barbara Windsor) and his brothers, bagged £7 million in gold bullion. “I love Spain,” says Foreman, “it’s a smashing country. It took them a while but eventually the Police travelled over from the UK in 1989 and arrested me. They were mob-handed, and they bundled me onto a plane still in my shorts and t-shirt. “I still managed to put two Spanish coppers in hospital, and I was still fighting while handcuffed on the floor of the plane, when an air steward gave me a drink of water. “I took a big drink but it tasted bitter and I couldn’t spit it out. I’d been doped! My eyes started to go and I was out like a baby. The next thing I remember is the plane coming into land and then the police walking me down the stairs of the plane reading me my rights. “I was acquitted of the robbery, but they gave me nine years for handling proceeds. I got out in 1995 and I’ve kept my nose clean ever since.” Nonetheless, old rivalries still simmer to the surface from time to time, as they did in a Maida Vale café in 2002 when, aged 70, Freddie stumbled across ‘Mad’ Frankie Fraser, the former henchman for the Richardson gang. “He had made some disparaging remarks about me in a book and there had been a few other issues which needed straightening out. “I couldn’t believe my luck when I saw him so

“I WALKED IN AND HIT FRANKIE FRASER WITH A RIGHT-HANDER”

I walked straight in and hit him with a righthander which knocked him back over and onto the floor. I then started dragging him by the ankles towards the door of the café to avoid any further disturbance for the owner and people drinking in there. “He was shouting ‘What have I done?’, but I wasn’t interested. I just wanted him outside to sort it all out. The staff behind the counter grabbed hold of me though and asked me to leave. I waited outside for a while to continue where I had left off with Frank, but the staff were calling the police, so I headed home.” Organised crime has changed a lot since Foreman was ‘at it’, with armed robberies becoming less lucrative. “In my day, if you were on the pavement (an armed robber), you were Foreman (back row, top of the league. You don’t hear about 3rd from left) with them now – it’s done by some bloke in a Krays associates and showbiz friends white shirt behind a computer screen. (plus Kray looka“It all came to an end when Maggie likes!) at the launch of Respect in 1996 Thatcher gave the Police a licence to kill armed robbers. It was a big enough

deterrent for many to say ‘let’s look for other ways to make a living’.”

no regrets

Now in his ninth decade, Foreman has no regrets about his life of crime. “I remember coming over London Bridge on my way to the Security Express trial at the Old Bailey, and I was facing the possibility of 22 years in jail. I thought it could be the last time I made this journey. I looked at all the nine-to-fivers on the way to work and I started to reflect. “I thought: ‘I’ve had some great times. I have taken some big risks and they have paid off, and I’ve also experienced the excitement that goes with them. I have earned a lot of money and I have spent a lot of money and have looked after my family and my friends. Would I change anything? No. Nothing at all.” He then looks over the top of his glasses as he finishes his Guinness, and adds: “Well, maybe one thing. I should have killed Jimmy Evans. He was the one that got away.” Lucky man. ■ loaded Freddie Foreman will return in loaded soon...

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david bowie

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david bowie

THE MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH BOWIE IS BACK Words ANDREW WOODS

Bowie is back, after a ten-year hiatus, with a new album. Although ‘The Dame’ is said to live a relatively healthy life these days, as befits a man of 66, this wasn’t always the case. loaded rewinds to 1974, with a story of highstrength cocaine, devil worship and, of course, Nazis…

A

little brown teddy bear sits on a sofa, next to a second, furry teddy. They appear to be in an art studio. The faces are moving images of Jacqueline Humphries, the wife of video director Tony Oursler, and David Robert Jones, better known as David Bowie. The Bowie bear looks upset, on the verge of tears, as he softly croons an elegy to various locations and moments associated with Berlin. Above them, a projection screen takes us through the streets of the German capital.

Bowie is back and this time it’s also a return to form. No dicey dabblings with drum and bass or Union Jack top hat and tails – pop’s greatest chameleon released Where Are We Now? to a rapturous reception in January. New album The Next Day is out this month, while the V&A Museum is staging a major Bowie exhibition. Seemingly, it’s his time once again. The Where Are We Now? video with the strange bears seemed to pop up out of nowhere, and was all the more unexpected as Bowie was thought to have been in ill health,

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BOWIE IS BACK

having undergone heart surgery in 2004. But with rumours of a tour, the excitement of his return may intensify even further. The references to Berlin in Where Are We Now? are significant to any Bowie fans who know his history, as it was back in 1977, strung out on a monstrous cocaine addiction and on the verge of mental and physical breakdown, that Bowie moved to the then divided German city to get himself straight(ish). For the previous years residing in LA had driven the performer to the brink of a madness few people ever visit, never mind survive.

california caning

In 1973, David Bowie, the 26-year-old global superstar of Ziggy Stardust fame moved to LA. He had already been in the US for some time, while taking the Diamond Dogs tour across the States. Bowie was working hard, his marriage and management company were both tearing at the seams and the pressure from RCA to emulate the success of his previous albums was immense. Bowie had never been a major caner but had dabbled pretty widely. loaded.co.uk l 141

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bowie had started to bottle his own urine to keep it safe from wizards’

David had asked his tailor to ‘give my nads room to breathe’

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His work always came first, though, and his output in the 70s was nothing short of incredible, both in volume and quality. Then during a stay in New York in 1973 Bowie fell head over heels in love. With cocaine. John Lennon attended a Bowie party where he was shocked to see “such mounds of the stuff”. Los Angeles was awash with it, and the dangers of the drug were then little known. Many considered it nothing more than a conversational dessert at dinner. Bowie percussionist Geoff MacCormack told Trynka [Bowie’s biographer], “a greeting was to say hi and stick a silver spoon under your nose.” When Bowie hooked up with Freddy Sessler – a hanger-on to the rich and famous – it dictated the course of events for at least the next couple of years. According to Trynka, Sessler caught hold of Bowie after a Hollywood show and gave the star some “vials of pure ‘Merck’, a medicinal cocaine Sigmund Freud

PAINFULLY THIN AND PALE, BOWIE LOOKED LIKE A VISITOR FROM ANOTHER PLANET. BUT THIS WAS NO ROLE. THIS WAS REAL”

termed ‘this magical substance’.” McCormack said of Freddy, “he would not arrive with a vial of cocaine but a plate.” Bowie would later say of Los Angeles, “The fucking place should be wiped off the face of the earth.”

paranoid android

The sprawling layout of LA can be isolating, the trappings of fame even more so. Add drugs to the mix and you have a dangerous situation. “I didn’t really use drugs for hedonistic purposes,” Bowie told Uncut’s John Robinson in 2000. “I wasn’t getting totally out of it and going to clubs and all that; I’d never really done that to a major extent. I was really just working. I’d work days in a row without sleep. It wasn’t a joyful, euphoric kind of thing. I was driving myself to the point of insanity.” Bowie would later refer to the Autumn of 1974 as a period where he was almost entirely “out of my gourd”. In November, dressed like a campy vampire in braces and tie, with flameginger hair, he made a chat-show appearance on The Dick Cavett Show. Constantly sniffling, the interview is excruciating to watch even now. Bowie spends most of the interview fiddling with a Charlie Chaplin-style black cane. Many fans in the US were shocked by his physique. Painfully thin, drawn and pale, Bowie looked like a visitor from another planet, but unlike Ziggy Stardust, this was no ‘role’. This was real. Bowie had always had a fascination with alien life forms and the cocaine use had reignited his interest. He had also become fascinated with the black arts and its high profile figurehead at the time, Aleister Crowley. Visitors to his home told of permanently drawn curtains and black candles. Pentagrams had been drawn on the walls. Bowie later holed up with fellow cokehead Glenn Hughes from Deep Purple, who claimed that the star was extremely paranoid and had hidden all the knives and

guns in his home and decorated the windows with mystical symbols. Bowie was living in the City of Angels scared stiff of the devil. To appease his manager, Bowie took part in a 1974 BBC documentary around this time. Cracked Actor sees Bowie in a blacked-out limousine, looking like an anorexic alien. His face is as white as the milk carton he’s constantly slurping from, his skin pulled taut over his cheek bones. He’s visibly scared by the sound of police sirens outside this coffin on wheels. Bowie thinks he’s being followed. Were he not a million-dollar star, Bowie would probably have been sectioned on the video evidence of this documentary alone. But as a star on whom many relied for their income Bowie was to spend two years or more teetering on the edge of insanity. Of course, wherever celebrity madness rears its head, so do characters like Elizabeth Taylor – later Michael Jackson’s close friend – with whom the 27-year-old struck up a most unlikely relationship (among many other flings at the time). Taylor, who had burned out herself, possibly represented a kindred spirit to the young Brit. Yet according to many friends, Bowie’s odd behaviour was becoming more and more of a problem. By the close of 1974 the drugs were now coming out into the open. A police raid on Bowie’s backstage party in Philadelphia followed, but no charges were brought. Meeting a girlfriend’s parents for the first time, Bowie – whose relationship to wife Angie was now over in all but name – produced a phial of coke at the dinner table and snorted it right in front of his bemused guests. So open was his drug use that Record Mirror referred to Bowie as ‘old vacuum-cleaner nose’.

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david bowie

The Thin White Duke in full effect

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david bowie Meanwhile, many of his recording sessions were maintained by drugs. Nonetheless, they were described by many musicians as incredible, the drugs allowing Bowie to try all sorts of brave vocal deliveries. Drugs though, are not known for keeping things strictly professional, and the man affectionately known as The Dame continued to live inside his own personal pantomime.

demons, wizards… and hitler

Film director Nicolas Roeg was so intrigued by the vision he saw in Cracked Actor he cast him as the lead in his latest project. As an alien, naturally. Bowie agreed to undertake Roeg’s film role, as humanoid alien Thomas Jerome Newton in The Man Who Fell To Earth; a strange, nightmarish film marking an extra-terrestrial’s journey to Earth on a mission to save his own planet. The film came at the right time for Bowie as the music had ground to a halt – aside from the release of Young Americans, which was recorded in ’74 – due to the sheer amount of drugs he was doing, believed to be around ten grams a day. The paranoid star was also surrounded by an entourage of black-belted minders and flunkies. He was retreating inside himself. In David Buckley’s Strange Fascination biography, he details Bowie’s state of mind: “Under this weight of emotional pressure his mind was beginning to fracture. He was

With the host on The Marc Bolan Show, 1977

he was said to be doing ten grams of coke a day

On a boat (don’t ask us why) and, inset, in The Man Who Fell To Earth

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well under seven stone and survived on a diet of red and green peppers washed down by milk straight from the carton – and, of course, cocaine. ‘I would keep a fridge fully stocked with the stuff (milk),’ Bowie remembered in 1998… the curtains were always closed.’” Rumour has it that Bowie had started to bottle his own urine to keep it safe from ‘wizards’. He would stay up for seven or eight days on the trot, prompting dark hallucinations. One such fit saw Bowie phoning his wife Angie in London claiming that witches were trying to steal his semen. The reality was that he was partying with some female groupies. Around this time, he had his apartment exorcised. A demon was burnt into the bottom of his pool following the ritual. Mick Ronson, former guitarist on the Ziggy Stardust album and tour, commented at the time: “I just wish Dave would get himself sorted out. He’s totally confused, that lad... I just wish he could be in this room, right now, sat here, so I could kick some sense into him.” Unlike bands such as Oasis who found that cocaine usage totally blew their artistic edge, Bowie – in the middle of a lifethreatening crisis – finally entered the studio to record his most original work. Station To Station was recorded in 1976 yet Bowie cannot recollect a single second of the sessions. The album heralded the introduction of Bowie’s scariest persona yet – The Thin White Duke. Was it art? Was it real life? Was it both? Although the album is largely devoid of palpable emotion, there was a track that was more open about his plight. Wrestling on the edge of a total collapse, virtually OD-ing on one occasion, Bowie later commented (performing it live in 1999) that Word On A Wing emanated from the “darkest days of my life... I’m sure that it was a call for help.” By now, police raids were becoming more common at his shows and word was well and truly out regarding Bowie’s

habits. A court case and conviction could have seen him banned from touring. An infatuation with the Nazis was also simmering. He had told Rolling Stone magazine in 1974 that Hitler was “the first rock star” and later, in 1976, NME would accuse Bowie of performing a Nazi salute to fans at London’s Victoria Station from an open-top Mercedes, although many claim that it was simply a wave. Bowie would later blame these regretful episodes on drugs. Then the strangest thing happened: Bowie just laid down the razor blade and stopped the chop. No rehab, no public tears. A voice, somewhere deep inside his mixed-up head, was loud enough to order Bowie to stop. And stop he did.

berlin calling

Prompted partly by a growing fascination with German ‘Kraut Rock’ such as Kraftwerk and Neu!, Bowie gravitated to West Berlin, keen to distance himself from his demons. “It was time,” he told John Robinson, “to pull myself together.” It seems he did that. Collaborator Bob Grace told Paul Trynka that following the Station To Station recordings Bowie remarked: “I’ve got over all my cocaine stuff now.” Grace asked how, and he said, “I took that image off. I put it in a wardrobe in a hotel room and locked the door.” It was in Berlin that the star would eventually straighten himself out whilst recording three groundbreaking albums: Low, Heroes and Lodger. It’s a time and a place that for Bowie and his fans, clearly still looms large. A time and a place, incredibly, that he almost didn’t get to see. n loaded Bowie: Album by Album, by Paolo Hewitt, is out now, visit www. carltonbooks.co.uk. The Victoria and Albert Museum’s Bowie exhibition runs until Aug 11

features

photography courtesy of Bowie: Album by Album, by Paolo Hewitt, published by Carlton and from the victoria and albert museum’s exhibition

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loaded style

Freddie Flintoff for Jacamo Loaded were once lucky enough to go on the lash with Flintoff, and while the next morning we couldn’t see our arse from our elbow (that man can neck a pint or six), we have now recovered enough to see that this 3rd collection for plus-size label Jacamo (although not just for beefy blokes – they start in size M) is class. This brushed cotton shirt is the pick. £35, jacamo.co.uk

EDITED BY: BELLA ROX AND LUCAS ARMITAGE

Alpha Industries

Clarks Dusty Desert Tan The Clarks desert boot is, without question, a walking style icon. However, few of us know the name behind them – Nathan Clark. The grandson of Clarks’ founder was responsible for creating the desert boot style in 1947, one that has stood the test of time and remains as relevant today as it has ever been. Sadly, he died in 2011, aged 94, but as a tribute to the great man, Clarks has lovingly brought these unfinished designs to life and once again we are indebted to a true giant of the footwear industry. £80, Clarks.co.uk

If you live in a trendy area you probably try not stare as people roam the streets in flight apparel. But they are just trendsetters adopting the flight jacket trend early. The MA1 jacket is set to be huge news this SS13 (‘SS’ = ‘Spring Summer’). We recommend this one from Alpha industries who still dress the US air force today. For the first time ever it comes in a lightweight fabric – perfect for spring. £100, available from Selfridges & ASOS

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style

Rascals Shirt at Urban Outfitters Kylie Minogue has been on the scene for yonks but lets admit the obvious: we still totally would. Mango has enlisted the help of a man who regularly does – Mr Minogue, aka Andrés Velencoso, to front its new campaign. So not only is this the man who gets to slip Kylie out of those gold hot pants or questionable body suits, he also gets a shedload of clobber for free. We hate him. hebymango.com

David Beckham for H&M

style

He by Mango

Urban Outfitters used to be a little gem if you could find one on your local high street, and now they are popping up in most major cities, yet still retain their quirky style credentials. Take this shirt, for example: only for the fashion brave but will certainly get you noticed. The bold paisley ticks all the right boxes for the summer styles too. £90, www.urbanoutfitters.co.uk

Adidas Originals at JD The self-proclaimed King of Trainers has done it again with the release of this updated classic ‘adi’ (that’s what the cool kids call Adidas. Yes they do. All of them) style – the Samba. Fashion kids know that blue is a hot colour for the summer, so get down with the new hue early with some classic trainer action. Oh, and they’re probably quite comfy as well, and won’t need ‘wearing in’ for about six months before the heel stops bloody chafing, like some other smart footwear might. £57, jdsports.co.uk

It’s a known fact that 90% of women would shag DB anytime anyplace anywhere, while the other 10% are probably lesbians or are unable to have sex at all. If even a small amount of his rampant sexuality is passed on to us mere mortals through purchasing these undergarments, it’s worth every penny. from £7.99, hm.com/gb loaded.co.uk l 147

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Burton Contrast Sleeve Harrington If you haven’t yet noticed that the contrast sleeve is a key piece of outerwear you may not follow trends as acutely as the loaded style team. For this, we pity you. While at first we were not too keen on looking like an extra from High School Musical, the prep style has grown on us. So we are pleased trusty Burton has brought us this beaut for those spring days. Leaning against a garish pink wall, however, is ill-advised. £40, burton.co.uk

K-Swiss Adcourt ‘72

Le Coq Sportif

FASHION EDli ITOR’S kes thi s

Cast your mind back to the early noughties (the 2000 -2010 years – is that officially what that decade’s called?) and you will probably have rocked a pair of K-Swiss. Well, fashion is one big circle and once again they are the trainer of choice. This one, the Adcourt ‘72 Mid SDE, neatly bridges the gap between hi-top and regular trainer. Just call it a mid-top then. £60, kswiss.co.uk

You know, we think Boris may be on to something with this whole biking thing. Nothing beats a spring day cycling through the traffic and overtaking all the losers sat in their boxes on wheels. Celebrate your new found love of the bike with this homagepaying T-shirt. £25, lecoqsportif.com/uk

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style

Duck and Cover Duck And Cover’s line-up of detail-rich jackets will keep you looking the part even when the weather is doing its best to wash you out. £85 duckandcover.co.uk

River Island Holloway Road Holloway Road may sound like a stabbing crime scene location, but it’s also the home to River Island’s birthplace. This collection looks back into the archive to create more timeless classic pieces. This second collection really takes the style up a notch. We say the classic mac with contrast panels is the piece to pick. Riverisland.com

Matalan bag

style

Once spring hits it’s time to stop hibernating. Yes, sofa + duvet + beer + football = fun times at all times, but you need to get out in the real world. This bag from Matalan will fit everything you need for a weekend of larks anywhere you should choose to wander. Now £15, matalan.co.uk

New Look SS13 New Look are onto something with their Kelly Brook lingerie collection, but if you can get past the hot pics of her in the ladies underwear section (or buy some for yourself – we’re nothing if not open-minded) you will also find some pretty good clobber in the men’s section. Take this colourful and dead smart ikat print sweater, a total snip at £14.99, newlook.com

Lacoste goes graphic Bored of your cheap, nondescript slip-on canvas shoes? Yeah, us too. Inject some graphic goodness with the help of Lacoste Live. The humble style classics from the brand have been injected with a nauticool graphic theme for the spring (see what we did there with ‘nauticool’? Yes? Thanks) Pair with chinos now and denim cut-offs come summer. lacoste.co.uk loaded.co.uk l 149

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“OUR WORD IS OUR BOND”

15% Off and free UK delivery with promo code: LOADED #ShopHairbond

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loaded grooming GROOMING@LOADED.CO.UK

Has the winter snow left your face looking worse than Old ‘Arry’s? Slap on a face mask to resuscitate it

Liquorice Mud Mask

Iris Hydrating Masque

This is Superdrug’s first men’s face mask and we’re impressed with the price. You slap it on when you are in need of a quick lift, and the zingy ingredients give us a great wake-up call. It’s also easy to slip into your travel bag. 99p, superdrug.co.uk

OK, here’s the inside story: This is the mask Simon Cowell uses! You can mock, but look at how much top-class totty he’s had. Leave the mask on for 20 minutes then wipe off. Or just slap it on as a quick rejuvenation if time is tight – it’s a ‘yes’ from us. £12.50, weleda.co.uk

Sanctuary Spa 5 Minute Detox

Anthony For Men Deep Pore

The Refinery Face Mask

This mask doesn’t just claim to be ‘thermal’ – it actually feels warm when you apply it. Why would you want to heat your face? Well apparently, there’s charcoal involved, which cleans and purifies skin and helps to open up the pores, allowing the kaolin clay to draw out those nasty impurities. The ones in your face, we mean, not your soul – they’re there forever. Massage a thin layer of it over the face and neck and allow to cool while you relax. Then rinse off with warm water or a cloth, but not her favourite white face-cloth. £10.20, thesanctuary.co.uk

So you’re lying wrapped in your towel and your girlfriend slaps grey goo on your face. How can this be good for you? This rich cleansing clay mask gives your skin a deep clean, tightening pores which helps purge the daily grime and oil build up. It’s simple to use: slap it on and leave for 5-10 minutes then rinse off. It’s also suitable for all skin types. £23, jacksmale grooming.com

This deep-cleansing and fast-acting clay mask sounds good enough to eat. But we wouldn’t recommend it. It probably would taste OK initially, but more delicate stomachs might not react too kindly to its more exotic ingredients. It includes Juniper to deeply cleanse and draw out impurities and excess oils, and black pepper and ginger which add a restorative boost to the circulation, plus nourishing nut oils. They’ve also splashed in some peppermint which overrides any lurking pongs. Great for hangovers from hell. £25, aromatherapy associates.com

Lush’s Mask of Magnaminty

Rasage Perfect Shaving Mask

Murad Clarifying Mask

Hands up those with spots? And worse – spots on your back? Well, this face and back mask is for you. Its job is to fight outbreaks and return the skin to tip-top condition. The combination of bentonite gel, talc, kaolin and vegetable glycerine make it easy to apply to the skin. £8.75 lush.co.uk

This two-in-one product works double hard – preparing for shaving and moisturising the skin at the same time. It helps your razor glide, giving a smoother shave and preventing irritation. Just wet your face, leave on for five minutes then shave and rinse. Simples! £12.75, salonskincare.co.uk

Putting mud on your choppers? Well it works. This is a simple but effective claybased mask, which works in ten minutes for a deep clean. It draws out impurities, reduces breakouts, and absorbs all that pore-clogging dirt. It feels a bit fiddly to apply but once it is on you can feel your skin coming back from the dead while you wait. Spooky! £38, murad.co.uk

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EDITED BY: CHERYL CARTER ASSISTED BY: FIONA WEBSTER

o you have a mug like Freddy Krueger with psoriasis? Ever thought of a face mask? No, not a Scream mask, though that might be an improvement for some of you. Having a face mask doesn’t have to mean sitting with a towel wrapped round your head in a sweaty spa with a load of dodgy strangers for hours. Modern masks are easy to use at home and can work wonders, even for you scumbags. Here’s eight of the best….

GROOMING

EDbIeTsOt bRuy’S

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Gold n’ delicious Why dunk biccies in tea when you can give them a little bling?

Topman, £8 topman.co.uk

Love Bullets, £32 urbanoutfitters.co.uk

photography: david marquez edited by: bella rox

style

Topman, £7 topman.co.uk

Dope Couture, £30 shop.couture.com

Burton, £7 burton.co.uk

Love Bullets, £42 urbanoutfitters.co.uk

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LOADED PROMOTION

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LET’S GET SAUCY loaded introduces you to the Saucytime girls

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here were champagne corks and party poppers at the loaded HQ when the stars of Saucytime loaded celebrated the first year anniversary of Saucytime loaded! Saucytime Loaded is the only place in the world that you can chat to your favourite models over FaceTime! If you have an iPhone or an iPad and you thought that FaceTime was just for chatting with your Gran think again, it is your doorway to hot girls who want to chat with you! Unlike webcam, this is a personal service with only group chat, you get an exclusive one on one chat with the hottie of your choice and what’s more because your iPhone or iPad is mobile you can chat where and whenever you want! These girls want to get up close and personal, super sexy Sophia confesses that she loves getting to know her viewers better, ‘When a guy follows and chats with me on Twitter I always wonder if he has banter and what he looks like.’ She goes on to confess that ‘I then get really excited, when they chat with me on Saucy loaded these ‘special fans’ get the VIP experience…’

I also love sport and have to admit I am a very sore loser – so when it comes to watching a sporting event I just support who ever wins.

elle

‘I’m Elle, 30, a home counties girl from Hertfordshire but currently call Essex home. I’m an exotic mix of half Chinese and half English. I’m also a complete gym fanatic and philosophy on men is simple ‘If he doesn’t work out – it won’t work out’.

vanessa

‘Hi I’m Vanessa Knowles from Leeds. I am 24 years old, have worked as a professional dance teacher and a singer and have recently returned to University. I’ve been single for several years now so I think that I am now probably ready to meet that special guy. Sense of humour is important, but if you believe in being politically correct we probably won’t get along!

(left to right) Raquel, Steph, Vanessa

Sofia (left) & Charlie Z

sofia raquel

Hello!!! I am Raquel!! I was born in Spain but after graduating in Communication Sciences I have been living around the world! I have had some really interesting jobs – as a TV presenter for Spanish Television and part time modelling. I am also an actress and have featured in several Spanish movies, but maybe you could be my next leading man, are you game?’ Bailey Jayne (left) & Elle

bailey jayne

‘Hey, I’m Bailey Jayne, I have to admit I’m pretty lazy and do spend a fair amount of time in my trackkie bums in my bedroom. On the plus side, I have a pole in my room. So whenever I’m bored I like to practice on my pole or stretch out in some Yoga poses.

stephanie

‘I’m Stephanie (Steph to my friends), I’m 22 and from Hertfordshire. I’m a glamour puss, I do love the nightlife in London and think my ideal date would be dinner at either Benihanis, Zuma or Rocka (love Japanese food). That said I’m just as happy with a Nandos or McDonalds and a soppy film at the Cinema and if you want to impress me take me to football, I loooove football’

‘Hola boys I’m Sofia and I’m a professional pole dancer and have danced at clubs like ‘amnesia, in front of 4,500 people on a 30ft pole!’ She also has a message for you guys, ‘I’m single at the moment but very much looking for mr right ! ;)

charlie z

‘Hi boys, My name is Charlie Z, I’m 25 years old and live in sunny Scotland !! I have recently become a full time model and I’m absolutely loving it- getting paid to wear sexy lingerie and pose for a living is amazing! I adore tattoos and piercings and am soon adding to my collect of tattoos, I’d love to know what you all think?!’

Got an iPhone / iPad and want to get some naughty FaceTime with the Saucytime girls ? Join the party at:

www.saucytime.com

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PHOTOGRAPHY: DAVID MARQUEZ

Gabicci, £90 gabicci.com

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style

Paul Smith, £180 paulsmith.co.uk

Native Youth, £78 native-youth.com

Innocent Ombre, Blood Brother £35 urbanoutfitters.co.uk

Return of the macs style

That Harrington jacket of yours might look smart, but it won’t help you when the April showers arrive

Weekend Offender, £130 weekendoffender.com

Crooks and Castle, £85 threadsaddiction.com

K-way, £45 k-way.co.uk

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RADAR

M U S I C | F I L M | DV D | G A M E S | G A D G E TS | B O O KS | C LU B S

Your time is valuable, but make sure you save some of it for this lot MUSIC @ LOADED

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loaded interviews Bastille. Never heard of them? Us neither, but Carly Wilford is their mate.

Nas debates furiously about the current state of the music industry. See what we did there?.

FILMS @ LOADED

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Forget looking at porn online, go and watch porn at the cinema. Spring Breakers is epic. Jason Statham plays a womanising bad man. What an incredibly versatlile actor.

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Ben Affleck has made a few shit movies (really shit) but this isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t one of them. Buy Argo, its good.

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Remember Pokemon? Well loaded reviews Prison Architect, which looks likes the adult version.

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This month, loaded has blagged a heater, a pair of boots and a weird Bruce Lee USB stick. Jackpot!

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Books? Who reads them. We dont. That is why, this month, we have reviewed something about comics.

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MUSIC @ LOADED BY CARLY WILFORD

BASTILLE N IN G M EE T TH E BA N D SH UN R GR O UP IE S TO PAY TH EI ON TI M E N ATION AL IN SU RA N CE

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eliriously hung-over with tales of hysterically-crying fans and on-the-road banter, Bastille’s Dan Smith’s glazed expression speaks more about band life than words could ever begin to explain. Touring with Two Door Cinema Club and recently supporting Emeli Sandé at the iTunes Festival, being on tour can be a treacherous adventure. It’s a life that every musician dreams of, filled with late nights, early mornings and enough temptation to lure even the most angelic being into a KFC coma. Then, on top of that, there are the festivals. “Last year we went to the Isle Of Wight Festival,” explains Dan. “I went ahead with Kyle, who plays keyboard, and Mark, who produced some of our stuff for us. We were in the Strongbow tent which is lethal because basically all you can drink is cider. Woody – who plays the drums and is the responsible one – was arriving with Will (guitarist) at 1am. We were supposed to meet them to give them their wristbands but we left them waiting outside until ten in the morning the next day. Mark passed out in someone else’s tent. We had a gig at 3pm and they’d been sitting there all night. I could just picture the fury in their eyes.”

endurance battle

Although spoken about as a ‘new’ band, Bastille have been together for more than two years. Finally beginning to go mainstream, it’s been a battle of endurance to stand out amongst a sea of manufactured artists that play it safe to break the charts. Bastille don’t fit in a box and neither should they. With their album Bad Blood about to be released, it’s not very often that you see a band support a headlining act whose performance could see them switching places in the years ahead. The music industry churns through bands quicker than Katie Price does husbands. So what does it take to last the duration nowadays or even make it on to that difficult second album? “Your first album is about what you’re basically up to up until that point.” explains Dan. “Then if you do well, your whole life changes so you’re potentially a different person

“DO PEOPLE WANT TO HEAR A SONG ABOUT BEING FAMOUS OR ON TOUR? NO!” to who you were before. How do you write a whole load of new songs that are going to sit alongside what you’ve done before? Do people want to hear a song about what it’s like being on tour or what it’s like being famous? I’m sure they don’t.” Cue our mate Flo Rida and most recently Tinie Tempah jumping in with their cliché lines about popping bottles and looking for the next top model. Maybe this is where their lives end up, but in reality the people listening to their music still have to get up and go to work every day. Probably surrounded by middleaged women talking about the menopause as opposed to size eight hotties parading around in bikinis. Bastille are on a totally different page. Their

music is produced with pure passion and testosterone-charged integrity. You can feel it kicking you in the stomach and sparring with your emotions. Think Braveheart, any of the Rocky movies and the scene in Matrix Reloaded when Neo and Trinity finally get it on. It’s music that fucks with your heart but makes sense in your head.

big in america

With the world’s music industry descending on Austin in Texas for SXSW, Bastille are just one of the handpicked bands lucky enough to be performing this year. With Lianne La Havas, Jake Bugg and Chvrches also flying the flag for the UK, this could put the band well and truly on the map across the pond. “It’s going to be

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“I modelled by beard on Andy Murray’s”

MUSIC YOU SHOULD HEAR SASHA: INVOLV3ER

A sexy mix of shimmering beats blended with deep house and techno from one of dance music’s masters. The sun might not be out, but this will get you and your mates booking the first flight out to the infamous White Isle’s opening parties. Out March 18

ANGEL: ABOUT TIME

If you love Miguel, still got a soft spot for Trey and are one of the remaining dedicated fans of R&B then you will love this album. Angel’s talent is unquestionable but the music industry moves fast and sometimes artists can get left behind. Out April 8

KODALINE: A PERFECT WORLD

Bands are back. Getting backing from some of the music world’s biggest names, Kodaline’s melodic melodies are refreshing. Hauntingly deep and with lyrics that resonate even on a hungover Sunday afternoon, it’s set to be a big year for this hotly-tipped motley crew. Out June 10

hardcore. I’ve heard it’s just a five day intense party and it’s in the middle of our month-long album tour. There used to be a time to go as an unknown band and you’d get your break but now there’s so much music. To go there with a bit of a story will be good. The video clips I’ve seen of it, it’s like The Great Escape on crack.” As the rest of the band stumble in to the dressing room, Dan slumps in to the sofa relieved that he finally has back up. As Kyle decides whether or not to crawl in to the fridge to cool down, Will discusses going to the Post Office hungover to pay his National Insurance. This is rocking in the real world – Bastille are where it’s at. ■ loaded Bad Blood is out now

BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE: TEMPER TEMPER

If you are already a fan of Bullet you’ll love this, but if you like rock to be rock without the American twist that British bands seem to be putting on, then it might be worth sticking to Biffy. Out now

WILEY: THE ASCENT

Wiley’s sold out (his words). Mixing what we know him best for with bangers made for the charts, true grime fans might be running for the hills. But Wiley’s a business man now and he knows what it takes to get a No. 1. Out March 11

reviews reviews

The sleepwalking got worse and worse

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MUSIC @ LOADED

NAS DEBATES IN TH E UK AF TER CK BA IS D N GE LE P ON AL TH E HI P- HO TTER ES T, M O ST PE RS BI S HI F O E ON G IN ... RE LEAS UP YO UR D AU GH TER S. CK LO E. AT D O T S M AL BU

‘‘T

he UK has always been fly,” proclaims US rap legend Nasir ‘Nas’ Jones on greeting loaded over a transatlantic phone line. “The UK has been giving us flavour and we’ve been giving the UK flavour, so I see us like cousins. America has been flying since British Walkers and British Knights.” The two brands of ‘80s footwear he refers to are actually American, but Nas’s shaky grasp on shoe history is made up for by his firm place in the pantheon of hip-hop greats. Since bursting onto the scene with one of hip-hop’s all-time great albums, Illmatic, back in 1994, he has survived at the top of an everevolving rap game and received his 18th Grammy nomination last month. He’s never actually won one of the prestigious US industry awards – he missed out on three this year – but Nas always got way more love from hip-hop fans than he did from awards show judges. And although non-hip-hop afficianados over here might not be well-versed in his work, his announcement of more UK shows later this month was greeted with great anticipation among individuals who constantly pull their trousers up. So it’s nice to know he thinks we’re ‘fly’ too.

WORDS: CARLY WILFORD

the survivor

It’s nearly a quarter of a century since Nas first hustled his way into a studio to hone his skills on the mic, and hip-hop has changed a fair bit since then. Partly, of course, due to artists like him enjoying mainstream success. “Back then there was a certain hip-hop audience who just loved the music,” he says. “It was a certain crowd. Now it’s on the radio and on television stations all the time. Kids loved it back then as fans, but today kids love it because they want to rap. Years ago not everyone was a rapper.” Whatever the new generation do with their rhymes, though, they’ve got some work to do before they can emulate Nas’s achievements.

After bursting a troublesome spot, he rather overdid the bandage

“BACK THEN KIDS LOVED RAP AS FANS. NOW THEY ALL WANT TO RAP” CNN recently named him ‘The greatest hiphop lyricist of all time’, and although not all of those 13 albums have been anywhere near as dazzling as Illmatic, last year’s collection Life Is Good certainly had its moments, and it was also notable for being so obviously personal. He posed on the cover with a green wedding dress draped over his lap – one that belonged to his now ex-wife and fellow rapper Kelis, who left him in 2009. “She took her stuff out the house and left her green wedding dress, and that was all she left,” he told VH1’s Behind The Music, and the split provided obvious inspiration for the album.

When I started working on the record, I tried to avoid it....” he told Bilboard, “(but) it was like a 10,000-ton gorilla in the room watching me. This is the way I got it off of my chest.” One of the highlights of the album is the duet he made with the late Amy Winehouse on Cherry Wine. It was one of her last recordings, and a pound from every ticket sale of his UK dates this month will also go towards the ‘Amy Winehouse Foundation’. “Amy Winehouse, the legacy that will be remembered is not just as an incredible talent but also as a legacy about other people as well,” he says. “Taking care of other people. Caring about other people.” Maybe so, but sentiments on this most bitter of albums suggest caring wasn’t particularly high on his agenda at that point. For instance, he taunts his ex about his new single status on Roses musing: “Who should I date? / Project Roses, chick or Cuban actress?...I’m an ass magnet. / If you mad at that, you’ll be mad forever”. Meanwhile, reports of his new maturity have been exaggerated, it would appear. “Hood forever, I just act like I’m civilized,” he spits on No Introduction. “Really what’s in my mind is organizing a billion black motherf***ers / to take over JP and Morgan Goldman and Sachs / And teach the world facts and give Saudi they oil back.” He does, however, find some love in his heart for his teenage daughter Destiny Jones in another stand-out track, Daughters, where he admits to shortcomings of his own as a parent, and explores the difficulties of being a dad. After finding a letter Destiny had written to a guy in jail and seeing a picture of condoms that she had posted on Instagram, he blows up at her, and admits: “First I regretted it then caught my rage / like how could I not protect her from this awful phase.” It’s a worry. I mean, what if she ends up meeting someone like Nas was back when he was a bad young brother? Any chaps out there attempting to get into a relationship with his ‘princess’, we wish you the best of luck.

life begins at 40

Nas likes to think of himself as recreating himself with every album, and he’s already working on his 14th. And with that kind of production rate, inspiration is never a problem. “That’s the beauty of writing songs,” he says. “It’s like it’s already been written in another dimension and it’s just waiting to be born into your dimension. It’s like you channel it.” Turning 40 later on this year, he’s as hungry as ever to break new ground. “I like growth. I like to watch people grow. I like to watch how things turn out, even when it comes to myself. Whatever you’re in to, you are just supposed to grow. You’re not supposed to stay in one position your entire life..” Get ready for the next episode, then. ■ loaded Nas plays London O2 on 19 March and Birmingham Institutue on 20 March

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exyh

“IT’S LIKE THE SONG’S BEEN WRITTEN IN ANOTHER DIMENSION”

reviews reviews

“Here, I’ve made you a nice drink of cherryade. Now get your knickers off.”

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FILMS @ LOADED

PREVIEW

SPRING BREAKERS

WORDS: DAN BRIGHTMORE

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ikini-clad college girls committing armed robbery to fund the wildest spring break of all time. If that’s not the single greatest premise for a movie ever, then loaded doesn’t know what is. The party animals at the centre of the action are played by four of movie biz’s hottest… ahem, talents – Vanessa Hudgens, Selena Gomez, Ashley Benson, and Rachel Korine. It follows Candy, Faith, Brit, and Cotty, four students with a serious cash flow problem. Desperate to live it up on spring break, the girls decide to rob a fast food joint for some cash. But when they’re nicked, the ladies find themselves stood before the judge, hungover and still nearly naked from last night’s party. Local drugs and arms dealer Alien, James Franco, bails them out, offering to show them the greatest spring break ever. All he wants is for the girls to help him carry out a few errands.

SEXY GIRLS, CHECK. BIKINIS, CHECK. LAW BREAKING, DAMN RIGHT! THIS MAY BE THE E BEST FILM EVER MAD

PREVIEW

It might sound like an excuse for scantilydressed college girls to get stuck into some gun-toting action, but Spring Breakers promises to have a darker edge than your usual Hollywood fare. It’s written and directed by acclaimed Harmony Korine, who’s best known for scripting the notorious Kids – which follows some violent, drugged-up, STD-ridden kids. Spring Breakers also marks the first time the lead actresses Vanessa Hudgens and Selena Gomez have got down and dirty with material this edgy – until now they’ve been known as two of the world’s biggest kids’ entertainment stars, famous for High School Musical and copping off with Justin Bieber respectively. loaded can’t wait for them to get suited and booted (albeit with bikinis and automatic weapons) for our most anticipated film this year. ■ loaded Spring Breakers is out in cinemas April 5.

LOCAL DRUG DEALER ALIEN BAILS THEM OUT, OFFERING TO SHOW THEM THE BEST BREAK EVER 164 l loaded.co.uk

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DVDS @ LOADED

OTHER FILMS THIS MONTH

PREVIEW

THE INCREDIBLE BURT WONDERSTONE

It’s great to see Jim Carrey back in goofball comedy mode. He star plays David Blainestyle guerrilla street magician Steve Gray and he’s taking on Steve Carell’s sparkly-jacket wearing incarnation of David Copperfield. Olivia Wilde and Alan Arkin make this Abracatastic (sorry). Out March 15

WELCOME TO THE PUNCH

The makers of edgy Brit flick Shifty return with a storming thriller produced by Ridley Scott. X-Men’sJames McAvoy plays a wounded cop when his nemesis returns to London. They shut Canary Wharf for an all Uzis-blazing finale, while David Morrissey and Daniel Mays help deliver a gripping yarn. Out March 15

FOR SEASON 2 OF THE ING RN TU RE S HT IG KN Y N SLAY THE HORN T BITCHING AND DRAGO OU AB ES RI SE L VA IE MED Game of Thrones is a bit like The Sopranos with some dragons thrown in for good measure. With poor Sean Bean’s head now on a spike, his son Robb leads an army towards the royal palace for an almighty smackdown against all the King’s horses and men. And moody Robb’s not alone – in fact, pretty much everyone who’s anyone in the Seven Kingdoms has a claim to the ‘Iron Throne’, and Season Two follows several characters’ journeys to “King’s Landing” to take what’s rightfully theirs. Each story thread is as

gripping and bloodthirsty as the last, and needless to say, it’s all bound to end in severed limbs. Peter Dinklage may be the true star, playing the devious-butlikable ‘Imp’ Tyrion Lannister, but Season Two is worth a watch just for 19-year-old actor Jack Gleeson, who’s truly disturbing as sadistic child king Joffrey. The series is also mercifully short on magic – it’s a story about a struggle for power, and feels as if it could take place in the White House. Out now

OTHER DVDS YOU SHOULD WATCH

PARKER

Jason Statham plays a Robin Hood-style thief with a penchant for bad Texan accents. After hooking up with a gang led by The Shield’s Michael Chiklisx for a heist gone bad, the bald one is double crossed and left for dead. J-Lo’s well-preserved curves also star. Out March 15

ARGO

Ben Affleck proves he’s one of Hollywood’s hottest talents, directing this nailbiting true story of a CIA plot to rescue US diplomats during the Iran hostage crisis. Out now

SIGHTSEERS

LITTLE SHINY DISCS OF JOY AND WONDER

Chris and Tina’s caravan holiday takes a wrong turn when they become serial killers along the way. Dark, twisted, and hilarious stuff from Kill List director Ben Wheatley. Out March 25

MANY THANKS TO HMV.COM FOR INUNDATING US WITH DVDs

This dark and gritty twist on the classic fairytale sees the pair as bounty hunters who are tasked with tracking down and killing witches all over the world. Bond girl Gemma Arterton looks great with a bow and arrow...

GAME OF THRONES

reviews

HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS 3D

STICHES

Ross Noble stars as the mutilated clown back from the dead to kill off a gang of irritating teenagers. Daft nonsense packed with big laughs and cartoon violence. Out now

loaded.co.uk l 165

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GAMES @ LOADED GEARS OF WAR: JUDGEMENT PREVIEW

XBOX’S DUCK AND COVER SHOOTER IS BACK, AND MORE BRUTAL THAN EVER

I

n what was the very first single-player preview event for us Brits, loaded were first on the scene with a chance to get intimate with the first ‘spin off’ title in the Gears of War series. To the uninitiated, Judgment sees lumbering, human meat-fridges shoot and grind their way through hordes of grotesque, subterranean reptiles, via increasingly absurd and glorious means. Considering it’s out later this month there’s been surprisingly little buzz for a sequel to one of most played Xbox Live games ever, and Microsoft were quick to emphasise this is a bona fide, standalone game which packs as much of a punch as its predecessors. Judgment is very much the real deal.

WORDS: JORDAN GARLAND

bullet-riddled lie down

The campaign is longer than Gears or War 3, putting it at just a shade over 10 hours, promising a lot of bang and slice for your buck. Told through the eyes of Lt. Damon Baird and the rag-tag comrades of Kilo squad being court-martialed for a hitherto unknown atrocity, to which everyone immediately brands them war criminals. It’s not every day you get to play a game as Colonel Ratko Mladic. This sees the introduction of ‘Declassified Mode’ for every portion of a given mission, an optional modifier which retells each event without omissions, invariably making it far more challenging, changing the way each level plays. Rather than serving as a superfluous add-on, they provide an additional level of complexity, each specific and unique to a given section of a level. In a particularly aged portion of the Museum, great plumes of dust are kicked up, impeding vision and providing a totally different experience. Baird’s three companions are fairly intelligent, latching on to cover whenever necessary and providing their much-touted chainsaw-to-the-face support to any oncoming Locusts and almost always come to your aid when you fancy a bullet-riddled lie down. As well as Gears’ iconic Lancer, even within the short space of an hour we must’ve used at least

YOUR PALS PROVIDE THEIR CHAINSAWTO-THE-FACE SUPPORT TO LOCUSTS 10 individual weapons: from a honking great meat cleaver, to a shotgun with enough power to punch a hole through space and time, shooting from behind cover has never felt so varied and rewarding. Pretty much all of them kick like mules – only these ones won’t be finding their way into burgers any time soon – and the key to mastering them all is learning to compensate for this. You’ll need it, too, for enemies come thick, fast and really bloody aggressively, serving as a greater threat than simply bullet fodder bloodbags. There’s also a new multiplayer mode called OverRun. Two teams of five – human versus locust – take it in turns to sit around and twiddled their thumbs defending a rather carelessly placed power generator.

end of humanity

The humans must fend off the waves of locust before the time limit finally expires, growing larger and more ferocious as time goes on. Humanity takes shape via your four stock shooter classes, each possessing a unique ability – heal, repair etc... – and appropriate loadout. Locusts come in eight delicious varieties, four of whom are held back until 3000 points are accrued, locking out the beastlier and more formidable monsters until you’re deemed worthy enough. Multiplayer fun finds its home with the locusts, from the throbbing turbo-charged colostomy bag Tickers to the arachnoleviathan Corpsers, each makes the destruction of humanity and civilization as we know it a

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GAMES OUT THIS MONTH

PREVIEW

BEYOND: TWO SOULS

A video game? With Hollywood star Ellen Page playing protagonist Jodie Holmes? And her best friend is a supernatural ghost-thing called Aiden, with the raw, destructive power of an angry Lee Cattermole? Keep your eyes on this one, boys. PS3, release TBC

JOE DANGER TOUCH

Stuntman Joe Danger is back, now on mobiles, distilling his frenetic side-scrolling racing into a £1.99 morsel. It’s simple enough to pick and play, but becomes repetitive frighteningly quickly. iOS & Android, out now

and again....

METAL GEAR RISING: REVENGENCE

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reviews reviews

real charm and delight. The two maps we played were surprisingly linear, both with two corridors to each goal, meaning only coordination, teamwork and the right selection of classes can fend off an onslaught. Gears of War: Judgment is dumb and silly, but in a brilliant way. Unlike Call of Duty, Gears doesn’t take itself deathly seriously and while the humour never evolves beyond bum jokes and growled bumblings, there’s a rich vein of nostalgia which makes it feel boundlessly fun. Its tight, heavy gunplay, endless tidal waves of enemies and a welcome addition to multiplayer has left us wanting much, much more. ■ loaded Gears of War: Judgement is out on Xbox 360 on March 22

Cyborg ninja WLTM slews of enemies to literally slice limb from limb in gloriously sadistic detail. Silken combat and detailed textures let down by frustrating boss-fights and dull environments. Get in touch? PS3 & Xbox 360 – out now

and now looking pretty fucking cool

PREVIEW

PRISON ARCHITECT

Ever wanted to build and run your very own prison? Well the scamps at Introversion Software have made that dream a reality, and it’s bloody hard. Starting with nothing, you too can have your very own Andy Dufresne, only with any hope this time he won’t be making it to Mexico. Release TBC

20/2/13 13:28:26

CLUBS @ LOADED

OHM MY GOD L

ast month the infamous Plug nightclub in Sheffield launched the first Ohm Sweet Ohm event featuring some of the world’s top and fittest DJs. We sent along a young guy called Tom to review the night and let you – the readers – know what sort of carnage you will expect each month. We would have liked to bring you a detailed account of the sort of music that was played with a couple of quotes from clubbers to give it all a bit of colour and detail. However the unreliable little bastard got so smashed at the event that he could barely even remember the night when we screamed at him down the phone. When the now former loaded ‘journalist’ managed to finally : H T surface, N MO about three HE E L D

F T FFI B O G, SHE U L C PLU : SIC MU : NKS DRI

HOU

SE

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AN : PLE P A R T Y O E P

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LS IMA

“Heyyyyyyyy you guysss”

OUR CLUBS CORRESPONDENT GOT SO PISSED HE COULDN’T REMEMBER ANYTHING.

days after the event, he had very positive review, “Yeah it was a sick night.” As you can probably tell from these pictures this is a pretty heavy going affair so we didn’t go too hard on the writer in question, despite sacking him, obviously.

i need a sick bucket

When he managed to make some sort of sense he explained that the event was a gathering of true house music lovers, coming together for an orgy of musical appreciation. Alcopops were the chosen tipple for the evening, yet somehow everyone seemed to be off their nut. There was a real festival atmosphere, as everyone seemed to really love the event with no yobbish behavior to report. The music scene in Sheffield is a vibrant one and these are the nights that give the Steel City the reputation for partying that it has. The first night featured the very talented DJ Maya Jane Coles who was banging out the tunes until the sun came out in the morning. There is something very attractive about a woman that DJs and loaded are massive fans of the female music makers. She’ll also be gracing the stages of Coachella, Bestival and Eastern Electrics.

THE UNRELIABLE LITTLE BASTARD GOT SO SMASHED HE COULDN’T REMEMBER THE NIGHT

twisted

As one of the leading names in underground house banged out the tunes the slightly twisted crowd inside the northern nightclub were throwing some mad shapes. One geezer pictured was strolling around the club with blood down his shirt and a cut on his head but in true Terry Butcher fashion he just wrapped a jumper around his head and cracked on. If you can get yourself down, or up, to the event then we can guarantee you will have a great time, although don’t expect to see Tom reviewing anymore events. If you can’t handle the heat then stay out of the kitchen. ■ loaded To find out more visit the-plug.com

Pulling birds, Rylan style

2/21/13 9:39:13 PM

John Lennon, spotted in Sheffield

Don’t fall asleep...

INTRODUCING TOOLROOM Toolroom is one of the world’s leading dance record labels. Over the coming months we’ll be reporting back on the freshest new talent and most upfront news from the scene. In case you’re wondering about our name, we began life in a humble garden tool shed. But don’t worry - we have a proper office now, and even have our own dedicated TV show on loaded tv.

MIAMI

Now is when all the world’s DJs flock to Miami. The Winter Music Conference is a week of non-stop deal-making as it’s where producers debut their new tunes. Miami parties are epic, and we’re excited about the Cadenza showcase and our own Toolroom Knights Arena at Ultra Music Festival.

WORDS: BEN DUFFY PICS: JASON PLEWS

“I need my mummy”

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“It’s freezing in here. Good job we brought our hats lads!”

DUKE DUMONT

Duke Dumont debuted last year with his hit The Giver, released on Tiga’s label Turbo Recordings. It was played constantly in Ibiza over the summer, and his new track Need U (100%) is already starting to get Radio 1 plays. He’s definitely one to watch at Ministry of Sound in London this May.

BAAUER

Brooklynbased Baauer has been producing music since the age of 13, but only broke through with his huge bass-heavy single Harlem Shake. If you’ve not heard it we suggest you do so imminently.

reviews

“We’re making the most of day release”

TOOLROOM TIP

All DJs need is a controller and tunes. We are offering a great start to your collection – quote LOADED13 at the toolroomrecords.com online shop and get our new Miami 2013 LP for £5, packed with 50 new tracks!

2/21/13 9:39:43 PM

GADGETS @ LOADED

GADGETS@LOADED.CO.UK

MANGO BIKES Y

es, we know she is doing it all wrong, but did you know that the Transport Administration Bureau states 35% of humans cannot ride a bike. Well Mango Bikes have now given those idiots a reason to learn. Their website allows you to fully customise every part, in a range of garrish colours from lime green to bright orange. loaded went all masculine at the front, and er... pink in the rear. Please note. This bike should not be ridden with heels. Health and safety made us put that part in. from £269 from mangobikes.co.uk

IPAD FOOSBALL

Pop your iPad into this latest appcessory and you’ve a portable table football table, annoyingly called foosball by our over-the-pond creators that’ll replicate a surprising amount of the action – we’ve seen it in play and it is really rather good. It isn’t so easy to perform legendary spins (apparently illegal anyway) without the entire device taking flight but it plays a decent digital version of the disappearing classic pub pastime. £87.99 from expansys.com

WORDS: PETER JENKINSON

BARL0DER

This is a glimpse into the future of an Ann Summers shop window display, when Automatons take over our world and wish to satisfy themselves. This millennia however it is in fact for use in bartending trickery, knocking up a cocktail indoors and when you can’t be arsed with all that kit you’ve been led to believe you need than. Simply acquire this Swiss Bar (my) style gadget which has everything you need to slice, squeeze, scoop, measure and more – a safer way to impress in the drink creating stakes. £29.99 from firebox.com

170 l loaded.co.uk

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27/2/13 12:13:30

DR DRE

The new Beatbox Portable is a wireless speaker dock which lets you share music without the messy cables or why-did-they-changeit iPod docking system. It works on all types of phones and – crucially – laptops too. Perfect for any house party you want to throw. Vist uk.beatsbydre.com

MOTOROLA RAZOR I

It looks like any other Android phone you cry! Well you’re wrong there, you stupid Neanderthal. This is the first phone to have an Intel chipset. In a nutshell it won’t crash when you’re playing New Star Soccer. Visit motorola.com

DYSON HOT+ COOL AM05

That James Dyson is a bloody smart cookie, isn’t he? First he got all that shit off your floor with his nifty hoovers, then he warmed your soaking wet hands with his dryers and now he’s taking on God – making the winter months warmer and the summer months cooler. Is Dyson smarter than God? . £349 from dyson.co.uk

ADIZERO F50

Any of you lot seen that player for Barcelona? The small one with the funny hair cut. Messi isn’t it? He must be pretty tasty, he has his own boot, with its own logo! The nice guys at adidas have even made it in his favourite colour. Red. How cute. The press release said ‘The single red stud on the sole plate is amongst 10 white studs, which represents Messi alongside his teammates and how he sees himself as being only as strong as the team around him’. What a load of shite! £169 from adidas.co.uk

reviews

EAR FORCE SIERRA HEADSET

This special edition Call of Duty headset is for use when playing the first-person war shooter online. Yes, it’s pretty pricey, but when you’re blasting some squeaky-voiced little shit to death it reveals itself as a purchase well made. So realistic you’ll get Gulf War Syndrome if you play the single player mode. £279.99, from Amazon, Play, ASDA and HMV

BRUCE LEE MIMOBOT

We’re thinking that folk might be less likely to fuck with your data if it’s being taken care of by one of these hard bastards. Bruce Lee is such a legend, as he is the only legend that never had a superpower, just an evil glare and his own brew of martial art – Jeet Kune Do. It holds 8GB of your data and includes sound bytes from Mr Lee. £21.30, from amazon.co.uk loaded.co.uk l 171

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DOWNLOAD THE LATEST ISSUES TO YOUR iPHONE PHONE OR iPAD!

FIRST ISSU E

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WWW.LOADED.CO.UK

TWITTER.COM/@LOADEDMAG Loaded_iPadAdvert_230.indd 88

20/2/13 15:43:10

BOOKS @LOADED

OTHER BOOKS

YOU SHOULD READ THE DELOREAN STORY

Admit it – when someone says the word “DeLorean”, you immediately think of Back to the Future. But there’s far more to the Northern Ireland sports car than time-travel and funny doors – the story behind its production is steeped in scandal and controversy. The DeLorean Motor Company came to a screeching halt after only four years, amid accusations of drugs, embezzlement, and backroom politics. But you don’t need a time machine to find out what really went on there, because for the first time ever, one of DeLorean’s senior figures comes forward to tell all – a gripping insider story straight from the factory floor. Out now

HEMINGWAY’ S BOAT

WORDS: TOM FORDY

FORGE T ALL THAT DARK KNIGH T REALIS M, IT’S TIME TO HARK BACK TO AN ALTOGETH ER SIMPL ER TIME FOR SUPER HEROE S

These days, it seems barely a month goes by without some lycra-clad do gooder getting his own movie. But the true home of superheroes is in the pages of American comics, where they’ve been battling evil for 90 years. Dating back to 1938, DC Comics is responsible for some of the genre’s most important characters – Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman to name a few. To celebrate its legacy, The Golden Age of DC Comics takes a colourful look back at its formative years. Chronicling the “Golden Age” period between 1935 and 1956, the book has over 400 pages, each crammed with artwork from DC’s original comics, accompanied by behind-the-scenes insights into their creation and development over the years. Movies, cartoons, and action figures from the time are also included – even the longforgotten 1940s Batman on Ice. Thankfully, you don’t need to be a comic aficionado to appreciate this book – there’s plenty to enjoy for everyone. The stories on DC’s bigname characters are fascinating even for casual readers, and memoirs on lesser-known characters (Dr. Occult from the Ghost Detective, anyone?) should

keep the hardcore fans hooked. Also interesting are details on the writers and artists – perhaps the true heroes of the comic book world. By now the likes of Bob Kane (creator of Batman) or Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster (the duo behind Superman) have reached almost mythical status, but The Golden Age of DC Comics treats readers to a look at the real people, and the political and social situations that inspired the creation of their characters. The book also comes at the right time – with longtime rival Marvel Comics flying high on the success of Avengers Assemble, DC is gearing up to hit back with its own franchise of superhero smackdown movies, beginning this June with the all-new Superman movie Man of Steel. The world might be superhero mad, but it’s about to get DC Comics crazy – so now is the time for a history lesson in comic book heroics. Out now

WHY ALWAYS ME?

The subject of an exclusive extract on page 40, Mario Balotelli’s life story makes for a fascinating biography. For many football fans he’s been a hot topic ever since his English league debut for Manchester City in 2010, but the controversy, not to mention footballing genius, dates back to his signing with Inter Milan in 2006, aged just 15. In Why Always Me? author Frank Worrall looks beyond the sensationalism and tabloid headlines, attempting to find the true story behind one of football’s most talked about figures. Worrall covers Balotelli’s history with detail – his birth to Ghanian parents and early life-threatening health problems, his successes and disciplinary issues at Inter, and of course his move to Man City and well-publicized – and bonkers – antics. Though Why Always Me? is a fascinating story about high-profile football, it’s also just one chapter in the ongoing story of someone sure to be remembered as one of the modern greats. No doubt there will be plenty more chapters written. Out now

reviews

THE GOLDEN AGE OF DC COMICS

Ernest Hemingway is known not just as one of literature’s most influential authors, but also a wild fantasist who spun many a dubious yarn about himself. Consequently, searching out the truth is a tricky task, but this detailed biography manages it fantastically. Author Paul Hendrickson structures the story around Hemmingway’s love for his fishing boat and his journeys upon it. And what better starting place to begin? After all, the boat survived Hemingway’s three marriages and famous alcoholism – besides, there’s no more beautiful love story than one between man and boat. Overall, it’s a curious and sublime examination of the original troubled artistic genius. Out now

loaded.co.uk l 173

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.co.uk Loaded230_class.indd 2

To advertise call Lee Mcloughlin on: 020 8873 4425 or email: lee.m@loaded.co.uk 21/2/13 15:36:36

To advertise call Lee Mcloughlin on: 020 8873 4425 or email: lee.m@loaded.co.uk Loaded230_class.indd 3

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To advertise call Lee Mcloughlin on: 020 8873 4425 or email: lee.m@loaded.co.uk 21/2/13 15:38:51

To advertise call Lee Mcloughlin on: 020 8873 4425 or email: lee.m@loaded.co.uk Loaded230_class.indd 5

.co.uk 21/2/13 15:39:19

agony uncle

pc world Paul Chaplin, the owner of loaded, has lived it all. Now he brings the benefit of his millionaire lifestyle adventures to the aid of your problems

I lied about my lifestyle

Q

I recently met a girl who I

really like and I’ve been seeing her for about two months now. However the problem is that to impress her I lied about my job and my income. I made out I was some hot shot in the City who earns a fortune but in reality I just work in a bar. So far I’ve blagged it by taking her out to posh restaurants and fobbing her off about work but the strain is really getting to me – and I’m running out of cash! I’m really into her but I’m afraid she’ll dump me when she finds out the truth. I’m in a right muddle now, what shall I do?

Leigh, by email Shares can go down as well as up. So invite her to a less snazzy joint and pour your heart out about how your City career has just gone crash over a vast loss in Bolivian oil futures. You’ve lost the lot. All you have left is <insert name, darling>. But that’s more precious than anything. Will you <insert name> stand by me, till I get on my feet and my bank account fills with millions again? Now that’s guaranteed to get you a sympathy shag at the very least. At best, you discover she’s a golden hearted angel who cares nothing for material worth. Remember – it’s not lying. It’s romance.

Two girls – can’t choose

Q

After a massive dry spell I decided to give online dating a go. And the problem is it worked almost too well. I met two cracking girls and at first I thought I could get away with seeing them both. I felt like a stud juggling the two of them but now things are getting more serious and I know I have to choose and let one go. I like them equally so how can I decide which one’s a keeper?

Jonathan, by email Let’s see…er… don’t! I mean, why do you have to decide? What’s fair about that? Why should all the girls in the world except one be deprived of your charms? I’d sit each one down and say “I’m different with you than with anyone else” (true). And I need to be able to experience all those different aspects of me that I am with different people (true). So I love seeing you, but it can’t be exclusively (true, if you want it to be). If you want to raise the bar a little higher, introduce them to each other and the idea of threesomes. If all that is too complicated for your needs, just flip a coin.

I fancy her sister

FACEBOOK.COM/ LOADEDMAGAZINE

TWITTER.COM/ LOADEDMAG

Her or betting

Q

I love a flutter but my girlfriend really hates it. Having a gamble is part of my life and admittedly it takes up quite a bit of my attention because I’m on my betting app a lot on my phone but it’s the thrill of chance that I’m addicted to. I spend quite a bit of money on it but I also win big too. My girlfriend wants me to go cold turkey but I think that’s too much to demand from me. What shall I do? James, by email

Let’s start by finding out exactly what she hates about it. Is it the fact that you’re paying more attention to on screen action than her? Is it the money side: her fear of you losing? It could be that there’s a middle ground there: make the money playing find the cherry, then take her for shopping and dinner with the winnings. Another path is to find something else that gives you the same gaming stimulation, without the financial risk. Buying burgers at a supermarket, for example. You are already gambling with the highest stakes of all right now: your girlfriend’s attention. Maybe that’s what’s really gripping you. The problem is, the House always wins.

Q

Recently I’ve found myself becoming more and more attracted to my girlfriend’s older sister. We’ve been spending a lot of time together lately because she has been living with us and my girlfriend works nights. Nothing has happened but I think the attraction is mutual. It would wreck their relationship though if she found out. Do I come clean or just hope the feelings go away? Sam, by email Well you certainly don’t turn your unexplored feelings into the wars of the roses by coming clean about them. At the moment, it’s just a fantasy supplemented by the mutually warming feelings of alcohol. Were people to start confessing about that sort of thing, the next Pope would have to retire from exhaustion. Let’s assume you want to pursue the reality end of this. If you’re OK with the idea, then ask big sis if she can keep a secret. How they then negotiate their sibling relationship is their issue not yours. Another solution is to buy Twister and ready amounts of booze. Have a fun for-all-the-family game with them and see where it ends up.

178 l loaded.co.uk

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THE BOLD FACE Gold-plated, raised 'Welsh dragon' design Second hand features the fleur-de-lis emblem Reflective hour and minute hands Wales Forever and its Welsh translation Cymru Am Byth Precision date display

THE CLASSIC CASING AND STRAP

STRICTLY LIMITED to 4,999 worldwide

PERSONALISED on the casing reverse with a message or Earliest name of your choice for FREE reservations will receive the lowest Welsh flag, Pleidiol Wyf I'm Gwlad (meaning True I Am To edition numbers My Country) engraved on the reverse Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau (meaning Land Of My Fathers) etched 5 interest-free on the side of the watch instalments of Fully rotating compass-style bezel .99* only Contemporary stainless steel design and £ gold-plated crown

27

(postage and handling included)

PERSONALISED Engraved Features

Watch face measures 1.5 inches (4 cm) including bezel. Adjustable strap measures 10 inches (25.4 cm) long by 0.6 inches (1.7 cm) wide. Water resistant to 30 metres (98.4 feet).

PAY NOTHING NOW! Gwlad, Gwlad, pleidiol wyf i'm gwlad! Tra môr yn fur i'r bur hoff bau, O bydded i'r hen iaith barhau. These rousing words from our National Anthem honour all of the facets which give Wales its strong sense of identity and make us truly proud to be Welsh. Our rich heritage, our unique culture, our spectacular sporting triumphs, our lush green landscapes and more... Now comes a patriotic new chronograph that captures all the characteristics of our great and glorious nation – available in a strictly limited edition of only 4,999 worldwide!

An epic history celebrated in a timeless MARKET-FIRST! As a bold salute to our beautiful country, the Spirit of Wales Personalised Chronograph is expertly crafted by hand from gleaming stainless steel, with rich gold-plating and intricately engraved on the side with Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau – meaning Land Of My Fathers. The watch face depicts a raised gold-plated dragon in addition to the mighty Welsh flag, the sentiment Wales Forever and its Welsh translation, Cymru Am Byth, declaring our proud patriotism for all the world to see! Etched on the reverse is the Welsh flag and the National Anthem excerpt Pleidiol Wyf I'm Gwlad – True I Am To My Country – alongside important dates from Welsh history, including St. David's Day, and for the perfect personalised touch, you can choose a message or name (up to 40 characters) to be expertly engraved on the reverse. Lastly, a striking Celtic dragon is portrayed in precision-etched detail on the watch clasp.

Availability is strictly limited to 4,999 – respond today! Don't miss your chance to acquire the limited-edition Spirit of Wales Personalised Chronograph – this historic timepiece will arrive in a custom presentation case, complete with a Certificate of Authenticity, and is payable in five easy instalments of only £27.99 – marvellous value at just £139.95 (postage & handling included*). To reserve your chronograph, pay nothing now! Simply return your Reservation Application today. Due to personalisation, this watch may not be returned unless faulty. Max. 1 name/message per edition. Max. 40 characters per name/message in length (inc. spaces/punctuation). *Offer applies to UK only and is subject to availability. A credit check may be carried out by a licensed Credit Reference Agency. Written quotations are available on request. To: The Bradford Group, 1 Castle Yard, Richmond, Surrey TW10 6TF

PXXXXXX WalesWatch RHP STANDARD PERSO.indd 1 210x297.indd 1

In the search box, please enter 526-B1131.01P Quote reference code P294914

RESERVATION APPLICATION Please Respond Promptly

To: The Bradford Exchange, PO Box 653, Stoke-on-Trent ST4 4RA

YES! Please reserve__(Qty) of the official Spirit of Wales Personalised Chronograph for me as described in this advertisement. I need PAY NOTHING NOW!

Yes, I require my chronograph to be personalised

Required Message: (Max. 40 characters)

No, I do not require my chronograph to be personalised

Name (Mr/Mrs/Miss/Ms)____________________________ Address________________________________________ ______________________________________________ Postcode ____________ Telephone __________________ Email Address ___________________________________ From time to time The Bradford Exchange may allow carefully screened companies to contact you. If you do not wish to receive such offers, please tick box

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19/02/2013 15:07 21/2/13 09:59:12

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Ultimate Internet 500 Plan.

Ultimate Internet 1000 Plan. All you can eat data

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1000

5000

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22/2/13 14:14:05


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