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08.16 Olympic Strong! How diver David Boudia and eight other U.S. athletes forge gold-medal muscle. BY BEN COURT AND MICHAEL EASTER PAGE 132

28 Beach Muscle Now! Chisel your obliques.

118 Challenge Yourself Our 31-day plan. BY ERIN BERESINI

124 Go Wild! Pick your adventure. BY GORDY MEGROZ

140 Don Rickles Affectionate insults. BY ERIC SPITZNAGEL

142 Don’t Sweat the Apocalypse We’ll talk you down. BY ERIC SPITZNAGEL

P hotogr aph by P E T ER H A PA K

148 A Love of the Game Why these guys play. BY OLIVER BROUDY

156 Lose Your Gut Do this twice a week. BY BEN BRUNO

July/August 2016 | 7


Food + Nutrition

Style + Grooming 30/ One-Pan Meal Hanger steak, meet cast iron.



36/ The True Price of Eating Out That’ll cost you $20—and your abs. 46/ Can Too Much Salt Make You Fat? What science says. 69/ 5 Easy Salads Plus: Tuna salad again? Hell no! 74/ What to Eat at Red Lobster Just as important: what not to eat. BY JULIE STEWART

76/ Garlicky Pulled Pork Cook once, eat high on the hog all week.

79/ Best Summer Bottoms Have the most fun you can with your pants (or shorts) on. BY DAN MICHEL

86/ Style Transformation A groom gets a makeover. BY BRIAN BOYÉ

88/ Look Great at the Beach Fast fixes for dry skin, nasty feet, and a greasy face. BY SANDRA NYGAARD



Useful Stuff 34

Sex + Relationships 44/ The Second-Date Debate Undecided after the first one? This will help you decide. 52/Ask the Girl Next Door What’s the one thing that will turn her on every time? BY ALI EAVES

91/ New Cure for Back Pain And bum knees, depression, cancer—all the latest treatments. BY MELISSA ROMERO

110/ Sizzlin’ Sex Tonight Seven women tell us their hottest vacation stories. (Warning: NC-17.)

102/ Hold Your Fire! 4 reliable ways to prevent premature ejaculation. BY IAN KERNER, PH.D.


34/ Is Zika a Guy’s Problem? What men need to know. 42/ He Came, He Ate, He Won He’s an okay cyclist and a good eater—but he’s the best at both. BY ERIC SPITZNAGEL

48/ Insane New Ballpark Foods We’ll stick with a classic hot dog. 10 | July/August 2016

FITNESS + MUSCLE Beginner’s guide to running. The gear, workouts, and inspiration you need. PAGE 57 Climb the wall, literally. Do this move. PAGE 62 No. 1 energy food! The counterintuitive diet plan that fuels extreme endurance. PAGE 64

OUR MH GUY Tony Azevedo, photographed by Peter Hapak. Grooming by Alicia Campbell/See Management, set design by Jon Powell/Rob Strauss Studio. Newsstand cover: Tyler Wood/Wilhelmina, photographed by Ture Lillegraven. Styling by Sandra Nygaard, grooming by Andrea Pezillo/JK Artists, prop styling by Faethgruppe. Aether Apparel shorts, G-Shock watch.

C l o c k w i s e f r o m t o p l e f t : S A M K A P L A N , T R AV I S R AT H B O N E , B R YA N C H R I S T I E D E S I G N , P h i l i p H a y n e s , S c i e n c e S o u r c e /G e t t y I m a g e s




TheBigQuestion DoYou Accept Our Summer Challenge?


We don’t have problems; we have story ideas. Which is to say, any challenge we’re facing is probably one that plenty of our readers are confronting in their lives too—and, for that reason, worth writing about. As we were planning this issue, I had a problem/story idea: I screwed up last summer. Not royally, but enough to want a do-over. Every June, I typically have a falling out with my home gym. It’s too nice outside to be cramped in a box that smells like a bus’s bathroom. So I blow off anything that involves dumbbells or benches, because why not exercise outside instead? Except last year was an exception. I stayed indoors, obediently doing my regular routine. My bike, an awesome Specialized tourer, came off the garage hooks only a few times. My basketball hoop saw maybe two dozen shots. Suddenly it was September and I barely had a tan. Where’d I go wrong? It wasn’t hard to figure out. I went into summer without any sort of fitness goal. With no goal, you can’t make a plan. And without a plan, you tend to ride along with boring old inertia. Sound familiar? Then this year will be different for both of us. “The Summer Body Challenge,” which begins on page 118, might forever change how you look at outdoor fitness— not to mention how you look, period. We recruited the brightest fitness minds in America to create a hyper-effective workout within these parameters: The program had to be a month or less, and no individual workout longer than an hour. Every rep, ride, and run had to be in fresh air. We wanted results you could see, even through a T-shirt. It had to be damn fun. Do this workout and you will build a beach-ready body in 31 days. Think about it: A month from today you could be flaunting your best body ever. You’ll feel great. Muscles (and perhaps buttons) will pop. You’ll walk taller, talk more confidently, and rip off your shirt every chance you get. And that’s just at the office. Imagine how amazing you’ll feel at the pool. More importantly, you’ll also be ready to tackle any fitness goal you set for yourself. Mine is to run the Chicago Rugged Maniac in late August. If you’re not familiar with Rugged Maniac, imagine a 5K got knocked up by a Tough Mudder. The baby is a 3.1-mile race packed with 25 obstacles. It’s crazy-challenging and crazy-fun. What do you say? Meet me there?


Our advice: Start with one. Men’s Health is excited to partner with Life Time Fitness for its triathlons, and Rugged Maniac for its obstacle races—that’s 35 events over the next 12 months. It all kicks off this month. Here’s a peek at what’s coming. TRIATHLONS

July 9 Minneapolis, MN July 10 Boulder, CO July 24 New York, NY August 27 Maple Grove, IL August 28 Chicago, IL For the complete schedule or to register, go to MensHealth. com/triathlonseries.


July 9 and 10 Englishtown, NJ July 16 Portland, OR July 23 Kansas City, MO July 30 Calgary, AB August 13 Vancouver, BC August 20 Atlanta, GA

Bill Phillips, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF @billphillipsMH

12 | July/August 2016

For the complete schedule or to register, go to MensHealth. com/ruggedmaniac.

Spencer Heyfron

PS: If you accept our challenge, keep us posted on your progress using the hashtag #MHSummerChallenge. We’ll share the most inspiring results on our social channels.

August 27 Chicago, IL

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Bulletin08.16 The News You Need to Know—Now!

Your Muscle Can Benefit Your Ticker

How Stress Messes with Your Head

In new research from UCLA, male heart patients with the most arm and leg muscle and least belly fat were 68 percent less likely to die of cardiovascular disease over seven years than thin guys with less arm and leg muscle. Muscles promote better insulin function, which might play a role in slowing the development of heart trouble.

People who scored highest on a hostility test at age 25 did worse on cognitive tests at age 50 than low-hostility scorers, a study in the journal Neurology found. One theory: Hostile folks are more vulnerable to stress, which may damage blood vessels and promote brain aging. Future studies may determine if positive social interactions can help protect your noggin.

When Lifting Big, Be Sure to Rest Right

You’re more likely to lowball your child’s weight than your own, suggest researchers at Yale. Only 10 percent of parents correctly identified their kids as obese, even though 47 percent of obese parents knew their own weight was over the line. Parents may not want to stigmatize their children by labeling them as obese.

16 | July/August 2016

In a Spanish study, people who ate olive-oil-enhanced tomato sauce saw a greater dip in their blood concentrations of inflammatory molecules than those who didn’t have the oil added. Fat makes tomatoes’ antioxidants, such as lycopene and beta-carotene, easier for your body to absorb.

Texting May Take Your Breath Away

Another Excuse to Eat Chocolate Chocolate could be your liver’s best friend. In a European study, people who ate 3½ ounces of chocolate a day had lower levels of an enzyme that’s often elevated due to liver disease than people who ate less. The scientists think chocolate’s anti-inflammatory properties may protect liver cells.

Make Your Pasta Sauce Healthier

Gotta Fake It to Make It? Think you’re the only guy who’s faked an orgasm? Hardly. In one study, men who admitted faking it did so in more than a quarter of their sexual encounters. It can actually help your relationship— you’re making her feel better by showing her you enjoy what she’s doing.

Scientists in Korea found that people who used their phones for more than four hours a day had 31 percent lower levels of “peak expiratory flow,” a measure of lung function, than those who kept their daily usage under four hours. You tend to round your shoulders and drop your head when using your phone. Result: You breathe less deeply.

The Meat-Sleep Diet: a Win-Win

Compression gear can make a long workout feel easier and may even help with muscular endurance. When men in a Chinese study wore compression sleeves on their upper legs during knee extensions, their muscles didn’t have to work as hard as when they went without. The tights may reduce your muscle activation, so you’re able to produce similar levels of power with less effort.

To look and sleep better, consider your meals. Overweight dieters who ate 0.6 gram of protein per pound of body weight saw improvements in sleep quality over 16 weeks, while those who ate about half that protein did not. A protein-rich diet might influence your ability to process tryptophan and serotonin, two brain chemicals involved in sleep.

The GlutenFree Benefit If you have digestive troubles but not celiac disease, going gluten-free for a month can still help control inflammatory gut bacteria—specifically Veillonellaceae, a bug often elevated in people who have irritable bowel syndrome. Possible reason: When you cut out gluten, bacteria involved in starch and carb metabolism may be displaced by bugs that promote longterm GI health.

Help a Farmer, Help Yourself People who shop at farmers’ markets at least once a week average 1½ inches less around the waist than those who go less, a Canadian study found. Members of community-supported agriculture groups (CSAs) also had smaller waists. One astonishing theory: They eat more vegetables.


imgcredi t _ A LL _C RED I T_GU T T ER - lef t

In a recent study, men who took 90-second rests did about five more bench presses and 13 more squats per set than those who rested for just 30 seconds. That’s because briefer rests may not give your muscles the time to make more creatine phosphate, which helps them reenergize.

The Not-MyKid Syndrome

Press On While Lifting

A Man’s Life

THE EXPLORER Sir Ranulph Fiennes has trekked his way from Antarctica to the North Pole. He had a heart attack and then ran seven marathons— in seven days. He turned 65 and summited Everest. Discover what pushes him. By Geoff Norman


Age 72 Home West Midlands, England

18 | July/August 2016

The 1970s and ’80s After expeditions to Greenland and various other exotic locales, Fiennes became the first person (with fellow explorer Charlie Burton) to complete a “circumpolar” expedition, crossing the North and South Poles in one trip.

The 1990s Fiennes set a world record in 1990 for “unsupported northerly polar travel,” found the purported lost city of Ubar in the Arabian Desert, and completed (with Mike Stroud) the first unsupported crossing of Antarctica.

The 2000s He lost part of his fingers to frostbite on a North Pole tour. Four months after a heart attack and bypass surgery, he completed seven marathons in seven consecutive days. At age 65, he climbed Mt. Everest.

The Future He won’t say what’s next, but it’ll be good; his autobiography is called Mad, Bad and Dangerous to Know.

Explore this man’s life on the next page.

Gar y Salter

Occupation Adventurer, author

The 1960s At age 17, Fiennes left Eton College before graduating and joined the army. He trained as a British SAS paratrooper, commanded counterinsurgency forces in Oman, and led the first hovercraft expedition up the Nile.


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of as vertigo. Put quite simply, I am afraid of heights.”

in World War II. The younger Fiennes was educated at Eton and holds a peerage title, Third Baronet of Banbury; his ancestors include Charlemagne and various kings. His third cousin is Voldemort (that is, the actor Ralph Fiennes). The military suited him—the SAS is at the very top of British soldiering. It’s the kind of selective small-unit force that Americans might compare to Navy SEALs or Delta Force troops.

Exploits in Arabia

Much of Sir Ranulph Fiennes’s life has been spent getting to the top. Not the top of the corporate ladder, but literally the top of the world—the North Pole—and the bottom as well, as in the South Pole. He succeeded at both, and had plenty of other extreme adventures along the way. The founding editor of Guinness World Records has called him the world’s greatest living explorer. The cost of all these exploits? A considerable amount of money and half of each finger on one hand.


The Case of the Missing Digits “During a solo expedition to the North Pole, I lost my sled through the ice and had to reach down into the water to retrieve it. As a result, the fingers and thumb on that hand were badly frostbitten. When I returned home, the doctors told me that amputation of two inches or so was necessary.”

An Unendurable Wait

20 | July/August 2016

The Dangers of a Wet Boot Fiennes’s first bout with frostbite was as a young officer in the British Army’s elite Special Air Service (SAS). “I had been wading in an icy river, and my feet stayed too long in the wet boots. My right foot turned black and I had a skin graft. But the whole graft came off two or three years later, when I was in the bath.”

Adventure in His Blood His father, Lt. Col. Sir Ranulph Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes, who commanded the Royal Scots Greys, was killed in action

A Climber Afraid of Heights For a man who’s been driven to conquer great heights, Fiennes has never had the best relationship with them. “I suffer from what I think of as vertigo,” he says. “Put quite simply, I am afraid of heights.” But the SAS made him a paratrooper, and he learned how to step out of a plane in midair. His instructors taught him to never look down and to keep his eyes open when he exited the airplane. As it turned out, climbing Everest’s 29,035 feet wasn’t a problem. “There was never that long emptiness immediately below,” Fiennes says. “When you looked off, what you saw were white shoulders.” It took him three attempts. The third time was the charm, and he was only 65 years old. And yes, he’s written a book about that too. He also climbed the Eiger, the legendary Swiss peak with a 5,800-foot vertical surface of rock and ice. “It took us three days to make it up the north face, and when it was done, I determined that from here out I would leave the vertical stuff behind,” Fiennes says. “These days, when it is time to clean the leaves and


1/ “I took the Black & Decker vise from my tool shed.” 2/ With the micro saw blade,“I cut off the dead finger and thumb ends of my left hand.” 3/ “I did it slowly and carefully. When it bled or was painful, I moved the saw away from the living flesh to the damaged flesh.” 4/ “I had to saw through bone, but it was dead and quite shriveled.” 5/ He says he saved himself thousands in medical bills by doing it himself. Epilogue “I kept the mummified fingers. You hate to part with something that has been a part of you for some 60 years. But I have no idea now where they are. Part of the clutter, I suppose. Or thrown out.”

Ian Parnell/Eyevine/Redux

For medical reasons the amputations couldn’t be performed right away. Fiennes would have to wait, perhaps five months, while the skin near the dead tissue healed enough to make what they called a patch. “It was agony, just touching a thing by

mistake. I grew tired of waiting around, so I did it myself.” (See “DIY Amputation,” right.)

Fiennes was born too late for all the 19th-century British colonial action, but like a character out of an adventure novel, he ended up on the Arabian peninsula— between Yemen, Saudi Arabia, and the Strait of Hormuz— serving the Sultan of Oman. The Sultan was embroiled in a tough shadow war against communist guerrillas. Fiennes commanded a reconnaissance platoon and saw plenty of action in the Dhofar Rebellion. He was decorated for his bravery and chronicled the experience in a book, Where Soldiers Fear to Tread. Later he returned to Oman on an expedition to locate the fabled lost city of Ubar— known as “Iram of the Pillars” in the Koran and “Atlantis of the Sands” elsewhere. This oncemighty fortress had disappeared

beneath the soft desert sand. He and his late wife found what was believed to have been this city; he wrote a book about that too.

A Man’s Life debris from the gutters on the house, I hold the ladder and my wife climbs up to do the job.”

Going to Cold Extremes The polar regions are endless, flat, and white. The trick is to think cinematically to “divert the mind. You imagine that you’re escaping from a Siberian gulag. You chant to yourself ‘escape, escape’...imagining you’re being chased. And you must keep going to stay ahead of the pursuit.”

When Sweat Freezes “When [physician and fellow adventurer] Mike Stroud and I did the first unsupported crossing of Antarctica in the 1990s, we were pulling 485 pounds on a sledge. It was often 50 degrees below zero centigrade, but the two of us were sweating trying to pull these things. Almost as soon as we stopped, the sweat would freeze and then we were in danger from hypothermia. The solution is breathable clothing, and you have to be able to quickly put on something warm on top when you stop. Cold and hot, cold and hot. They come together very quickly.”

The Mind Plays Tricks People ask Fiennes if he’s ever had experiences that might be called supernatural. “Nothing like that for me. My late wife, on one trip, thought she heard footsteps and had the sense that she was being followed. Of course, there was nobody out there to do any following.”

Deep Thoughts Out There? “No. It’s a bit late to be wondering why you are out there. And you are awfully busy.”

Does He Miss It? “When I’m at home I have never wanted to be back at the Poles.”

Ian Parnell/Eyevine/ZUMA Press

The Tiniest Obstacle “On one crossing there was a problem with a kidney stone. I knew right off what the problem was, but I thought if I drank enough water and took enough painkillers, I would be able to carry on. But eventually I ran out of painkillers. Then it was too painful to keep walking. So I

used the rescue beacon to alert the ski plane, and it came and got me.” He wrote a book about that too, of course.

an airplane, waiting for takeoff. He never saw it coming. “I went forward with a bang and that was it,” he says. “Out for three days. They did a double bypass.”

His Cardiac Pause. . . One thing to know about being an adventurer-explorer is that the unknown is always right around the corner. Things like the heart attack that Fiennes suffered, in June 2003, in the most banal of settings: sitting in

. . . and the Reason Why “I’ve always believed that it was the diet on those polar expeditions that led to my heart attack. We ate quite a lot of chocolate and butter,” says Fiennes. “Dr. Stroud planned it so that what

we consumed was largely fat. That was the most efficient way of getting the calories.” Dr. Stroud, who’s done a study on starvation and its effect on the human body, calculated that they would need 5,500 calories a day, but the weight of that much food would have slowed their progress to the point that they would have eaten all the provisions before they reached the destination. “So he cut it back July/August 2016 | 21

A Man’s Life


After his heart attack, Fiennes ran seven consecutive marathons in the Land Rover 7x7x7 as a fundraiser for, appropriately, the British Heart Foundation. 7 MARATHONS, 7 DAYS

1/ Oct. 27, 2003: Patagonia 2/ Oct. 28: Falkland Islands 3// Oct. 29: Sydney 4/ Oct. 30: Singapore 5/ Oct. 31: London 6/ Nov. 1: Cairo 7/ Nov. 2: New York Y City. Finishing time in the New York Y City Marathon: 5 hours, 25 minutes

What we consumed was largely fat. That was the most efficient way of getting the calories. We ate quite a lot of chocolate and butter.” by 300 calories” to 5,200. “That was the bare minimum.” Fiennes began the Antarctica crossing weighing 217 pounds but lost an enormous amount of weight—and not in a healthy way. “By the time we reached the South Pole, the halfway point, I was looking skeletal.”

His Bypass Recovery Plan “You wait four or five months and then get back to it.” For Fiennes, that meant doing seven marathons in seven consecutive

days (see top right), beginning in Patagonia and ending with the New York City Marathon.

How Crazy Is That? “It might appear that this was foolishness on my part,” Fiennes says with British understatement. “A way of denying the reality of the heart attack, if you will. But it wasn’t, actually. I had been doing these things that were greater tests of endurance before the heart attack, and I had permission from the


Rule 1 Travel light. “There isn’t much room left on the

22 | July/August 2016

Truly Scary Disasters “When I was young, I smoked. Gauloises. Ten a day. Then I quit. But I still got cancer. Not of the lungs, however. I had cancer of the prostate. Which led to six hours of surgery. That got rid of it...for now. Then there are the other things. Alzheimer’s. Dementia. Much worse than an emergency on the ice. And nothing you can do.”

The Why of It All “Sometime in the ’80s, Prince Charles, who has always been a supporter and benefactor, suggested using the expeditions as a way of raising funds for charities.” In 2011, Fiennes was named the top celebrity fundraiser in the United Kingdom, having generated over $3.6 million for Marie Curie, a charity that supports people suffering from terminal illnesses.

What’s Next? What’s Left to Explore? “There are only two poles, of course, and there is a constant race to break records. Everest has been done. Many times. There is a lot left to explore in the oceans and space. The barrier is the cost. You can do Ever-

Fiennes will soon let us know what his next adventure will be. What we can know for sure: There’ll be a record to be set, it’ll involve expensive travel to a very hot or very cold part of the world, and probably he’ll write a book about it.

Alvaro Canovas/Camera Press/Redux

sledge after you’ve packed the food and the absolute necessities,” Fiennes says. “So you leave a lot behind. No toothbrush—too much weight and space. Mike Stroud was ruthless, and I am a man of faith. I made a little inspirational note that read, ‘With God all things are possible.’ He vetoed that and it got left behind.” Rule 2 Go to the loo fast. Okay, it’s 50 below, but you have to go. “People always ask about that. ‘How do you do it?’ The answer is . . .quickly.”

surgeon to do this as long as I monitored my heart rate and made sure it did not get above 130 beats per minute.” But then, of course, he forgot to pack the heart monitor. “But just the same...I knew.”

est, but you can’t get into the space race. But there are climbs. Those dreadful 6,000-foot cliffs where someone can still do a first ascent. Crossing Antarctica during the polar winter between the two equinoxes is something that has not yet been done. Someone will do it. Perhaps using vehicles or whatever, and that will be a record. After that, someone will do it on skis. Eventually, it will be solo, or female, or over-70...and so forth.”

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Summer Reading

Where some of the world’s most successful men turn for inspiration.

Mike Rowe, host of the podcast The Way I Heard It The Deep Blue Good-by, by John D. MacDonald “Travis McGee is my favorite fictional character, a self-described boat bum who takes his retirement ‘in early installments.’ His adventures are packed with more wisdom than you’ll find in most ‘respectable’ literature.”

Neil deGrasse Tyson, Ph.D., astrophysicist Mathematics and the Imagination, by Edward Kasner and James Newman “It contains my first encounter with the stupendously large numbers ‘googol’ and ‘googolplex.’ The nephew of the first author coined the terms. I’d never imagined that math could be that fun, and since then, the exotic frontiers of mathematics have always called to me.”

Hugh Jackman, actor Siddhartha, by Hermann Hesse

Laird Hamilton, pro surfer Natural Born Heroes, by Christopher McDougall

“I was 18 when I read Siddhartha, and it changed my life. When everything in a young man’s world is about the outer life, this book taught me to be mindful of my inner life. I still read it almost every 10 years, and it always inspires new things in me. It’s a game changer.”

“Natural Born Heroes is an in-depth study into the history of human performance. Philosophically, the book also mimics my beliefs about diet. There’s a nice balance of philosophy and facts. It made complete sense and became my bible.”

Michael Strahan, host of ABC’s Good Morning America Charlotte’s Web, by E.B. White

Stan Lee, founder of Marvel Comics The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam, by Edward Fitzgerald

Adam McKay, Oscar-winning director The X-Men, by Chris Claremont

“I think it’s important to grow up and be mature, but I will always be a kid at heart, so I’m choosing Charlotte’s Web, a book that I’ve read a dozen times. It’s a perfect book, totally delightful, but it’s also a life-changing book that teaches love, community, triumph, and tragedy. It’s a great story with a lot of great lessons.”

“I love the beauty of the words, especially the original translation and the philosophy behind the poem: ‘There was a Door to which I found no Key; There was a Veil past which I could not see; Some little talk a while of Me and Thee/ There seemed—and then no more of Thee and Me.’ The idea is that life is so short. It’s a magnificent poem.”

“When I was a kid, me and my buddies would ride to the next town over to buy the new X-Men. We’d read it right there on the curb. This was Wolverine time, man. Then we’d roll it up, ruining its value, of course, and ride home. The whole thing would take, like, two and a half hours, but those are good hours in a young man’s life.”

24 | July/August 2016

Nick Offerman, actor, comedian / Fidelity, by Wendell Berry “Berry says, ‘It’s sad that we live in a society that has the refrain “thank God it’s Friday,” because that means you despise five-sevenths of your life.’ And there’s a good chance you spend the other two days drinking so you don’t have to think about your asshole boss at work. Boiled down, the advice therein is: Try to fill your days with things that you love to do, and that includes not only work but also your family and your friends.”

Jeff Bridges, actor The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz “I’ve gotten a lot out of this book. I love the section on being impeccable with your words. Words are powerful. They’re almost like spells— not only the words you say to other people but what you say to yourself. You can’t take yourself or your thoughts too seriously. It’s not necessarily who you are. They’re only thoughts in your mind.”

Chuck Palahniuk, author The Ice at the Bottom of the World, by Mark Richard “First the school system teaches you to read. Then it teaches you to hate reading. After high school, drugs replaced fiction in my life, but Ice brought me back to reading with the intense joy I hadn’t felt since second grade. Each story is bold and unique, but among my favorites are ‘Strays’ and ‘This Is Us, Excellent.’”

C h r i s B u c k /A u g u s t I m a g e s (O f f e r m a n) , M i c h a e l G e r m a n a / E v e r e t t C o l l e c t i o n ( R o w e) , E v e r e t t C o l l e c t i o n /A l a m y (J a c k m a n) , W E N N L t d . /A l a m y ( H a m i l t o n) , e p a e u r o p e a n p r e s s p h o t o a g e n c y b .v. /A l a m y ( Ty s o n) , D e e C e r c o n e / E v e r e t t C o l l e c t i o n (S t r a h a n) , K r i s t i n C a l l a h a n / E v e r e t t C o l l e c t i o n ( B r i d g e s) , J i m S m e a l / R E X / S h u t t e r s t o c k ( M c K a y) , Va r i e t y / R E X / S h u t t e r s t o c k ( L e e) , G e r a i n t L e w i s / R E X / S h u t t e r s t o c k ( P a l a h n i u k )





Useful Stuff Tons of tips, tricks, and strategies for life.

â&#x20AC;&#x153;The exhilaration of flying is too keen, the pleasure too great, for it to be neglected as a sport.â&#x20AC;?

K a t j a K r e d e r /G e t t y I m a g e s

Orville Wright

July/August 2016 | 27

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Stop Filling Up, Start Going Faster Triathletes burn a ton of calories. So should they refuel with carbs after a tough workout? In a study, one group of triathletes abstained from carbs after intense evening training and stayed off them until after their lighter training session the next morning. A second group trained the same but fueled with carbs before every workout. Over three weeks, both groups had the same daily intake of carbohydrates. What happened The evening carb skippers lost more body fat and improved their personal 10K running times by 3 percent. The carb-loading group saw no improvement. (Runners, take heed: See “A Beginner’s Guide to Running,” page 57.) THE MUSCLE GUY

The Abs You Can’t Forget Your obliques frame your six-pack and protect your back. Add these moves for a more powerful torso. By BJ Gaddour, Men’s Health fitness director Obliques help you flex and rotate your spine, and they protect your back from injury when you move something heavy. These three exercises strengthen your obliques for better sports performance, and burn belly fat so those side abs show when you take off your shirt.

Correct That Message



This strengthens your grip too. Do It Hold a heavy dumbbell at your side with your arm straight. Walk while keeping your torso straight. Keep at it for 5 to 10 minutes, switching hands every 30 seconds. Too easy? Hold the weight at shoulder level or overhead.

Your obliques will work hard as you do 5 to 10 rounds of 30 seconds on, 30 seconds off. Do It Pivot your feet and bend your knees as you turn to the right, dropping your hips as you lower the bag. Push up and arc the sandbag across your chest and back down to the left.

Join the MetaShred movement! Bust out of your routine with this cutting-edge body-shredding DVD program from MH fitness director BJ Gaddour. The 21-day metabolic ignition system melts belly fat and sculpts your arms, shoulders, and legs. You get nine 30-minute workouts—three workouts a week with no repeats. One guy lost 24 pounds in just two 21-day cycles. Check it out at 28 | July/August 2016

57% Number of wives who want more sex. Most common time for sex: 10:24 p.m. on Saturday.

Source: Illicit Encounters, a U.K. extramarital dating site

A M Y LO M B A R D ( m a i n i m a g e ) , Lu m i n a /S t o c k s y ( c e l l p h o n e ) , S T E V E S A N F O R D ( i l l u s t r a t i o n s )


This total-body exercise is also great for working your hips, glutes, and shoulders. Do It Using a challenging weight, hold for 30 seconds on each side, resting 30 seconds in between. Do 3 to 5 sets per side. Make it harder by raising your top leg (shown above).

Proofread before hitting “send.” Nearly two-thirds of women polled by the dating site Zoosk said they’d be more likely to decline a date if the message had spelling and grammar errors. Mistakes make you look lowclass, says Jay Heinrichs, author of Word Hero. “Grammar is the code that the elite—those with money and power—use to recognize each other.”

C H R I S VA N E T T E N US Marine veteran shows perseverance always wins

JOCKEY.COM ©2016 Jockey International, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

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Body Acne Solved!


Don’t let zits ruin your beach body. Be smart (and smooth).


A Man, a Pan, a Plan Cook up a steakhouse-quality dinner—tonight! The Man Ricardo Jarquin is the chef de cuisine of Travelle Kitchen + Bar at the Langham in Chicago.

The Pan Sure, you could just sear the steak on the grill. But if you use a cast-iron grill pan, you’ll taste the magic that happens when mushrooms, thyme, and garlic all sizzle together with steak.

Take the Kansas Squat Test Here’s the best way to find out if your strength program is working. First, add your body weight to your 1-rep squat max. Then take 70 percent of that and subtract your weight from it. (So if you weigh 180 and your 1-rep max is 200, you end up with 86 pounds.) Your goal is to do 15 reps at that weight on a Smith machine. Repeat this test monthly.

30 | July/August 2016

The Plan In a bowl, marinate a 10-ounce hanger steak in 1 Tbsp olive oil, the leaves from a sprig of thyme, 2 sliced garlic cloves, the zest of 1 lemon, and a good pour of soy sauce. In a grill pan on medium high, add a swirl of olive oil, ¼ pound sliced mushrooms, 3 sliced shallots, 2 whole garlic cloves, and 2 thyme sprigs. Cook, stirring, till the mushrooms brown; then push everything to the edges of the pan. Add the steak; sear 5 minutes per side. Top with watercress.

APPLY THIS Kill bacteria and unclog pores with a benzoyl peroxide or salicylic acid treatment. WEAR THAT Loose-fitting clothes made from natural fibers let perspiration evaporate for healthier skin. CHANGE THOSE Put on fresh bedsheets once a week to prevent oil, grime, and bacteria buildup from pressing on your skin for hours.


Zamst Braces What do 250-pound Super Bowl MVP Von Miller and 99-pound marathoner Amy Cragg have in common? They stabilized their joints with braces by Zamst, which are several high-tech notches above the rest. Miller turned to them after an ACL tear. Cragg used them to deal with various issues—and then won in the Olympic Trials. The designer of the A2-DX ankle brace says it can reduce injury by locking down movement—no wiggling like with lesser braces. The result? Walk-it-off tweaks, not three-month layoffs. $65, Dick’s Sporting Goods and elsewhere


F o o d s t y l i n g : V i c t o r i a G r a n o f /C o r n e l i a A d a m s ; M a r c u s N i l s s o n /G a l l e r y S t o c k ( r a w s t e a k ) , E d d We s t m a c o t t /A l a m y ( m u s h r o o m s ) , D . H u r s t /A l a m y ( s h a l l o t s ) , Le o n i d N y s h k o /A l a m y ( g a r l i c ) , B i n h T h a n h B u i /S h u t t e r s t o c k ( w a t e r c r e s s ) , H u g e G a l d o n e s ( J a r q u i n ) , A s i a I m a g e s /G e t t y I m a g e s ( m a n w i t h b r u s h ) , B E T H B I S C H O F F ( s q u a t ) , S T E V E S A N F O R D ( i l l u s t r a t i o n )

WASH UP After exercise, take a lukewarm shower with a gentle cleanser, says dermatologist Fil Kabigting, M.D.

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Spoxing This hybrid boxing and spinning workout was invented by Esther Solano of Epic Boxing & Fitness, where Jaye Maddon, wife of Chicago Cubs manager Joe Maddon, is a partner. Spoxing is interval training that features a whole lot of spinning and boxing moves. The timing takes its cue from pugilism, with a dozen three-minute rounds and 30-second rests in between, ending with 10 minutes of core work. A single workout can burn as much as 1,250 calories. Spoxers include MLB players Francisco Cervelli and Melky Cabrera; both trained with Solano in the off-season.

Quick Change BY BR I A N BOYÉ

T-shirts with a blazer: cool or Miami Vice? DAN, ST. LOUIS, MO

Your Medic on Call Why sit in a room full of sickos when a qualified M.D. is in your pocket? Click here to get well.

A Chat with Your Doc TRY HealthTap This app’s concierge service allows you to connect with your primary-care physician, assuming you’ve set it up with him or her ahead of time. It’s a smart move for people who travel a lot or who just hate blowing time in waiting rooms. Prices start at $49.

A Rash Check TRY Dermatologist on Call Answer a few questions and submit photos of your acne, moles, or flaky scalp; a dermatologist will reach out with a diagnosis and care plan or to let you know if you need to follow up. It’s $59 per consultation and available in 31 states.

Tinted moisturizers for guys—seriously?


You’re Hunting for a Home to Buy. Now What? Look past ugly carpets and wall colors; they’re easily changed. Do focus on ceiling height (higher is better), the lot (quiet, not a corner), and overall flow (open, few dark hallways), says Robert Irwin, author of Tips and Traps When Buying a Home. Like one? Visit in the early evening to see the neighborhood at full load. With a condo, read the bylaws—you’re buying into a system. If possible, go to a board meeting to see how crazy your potential business partners are.


of college guys received oral sex during their last hookup, a Canadian survey found. Be that lucky... 32 | July/August 2016


“Can I have a blow job?” is the least arousing question ever. Instead, hint. Talk about how hot she is. Sex therapist Ian Kerner suggests framing your desires in the form of a fantasy. Share those daydreams you have of her—say, passionately going down on you in a car or a public restroom.


In your dreams, you return the favor; make sure she knows you’re eager to do that in real life. “Oral should be reciprocal,” says Kerner. “Many women struggle with the double standard of being expected to provide a fellatio appetizer and then having to make do with an intercourse entrée.”


Women in Kerner’s surveys value a clean penis more than a big one. So yeah, a couples shower may set the right tone. If she doesn’t take the hint, move to the bed and kiss your way down her body, subtly sliding into the 69 position. Because, you know, reciprocity. But don’t use that word.


Hey, I was dubious too when these products— color-correction creams, blemish balms—started popping up in the men’s aisle. Yes, they do have a tint to match your skin tone. But no, you don’t look like you’re wearing makeup. These creams work by balancing redness and uneven skin tones. Would you use one every day? Probably not. But every time I wear my go-to (Lab Series Skincare for Men), someone inevitably comments on how great my skin looks. Brian Boyé is the executive fashion and grooming director of Men’s Health.

B a r t h o l o m e w C o o k e / Tr u n k A r c h i v e ( f i r s t - a i d k i t ) , M E R E D I T H J E N K S ( B o y é ) , n i k 7 c h /S h u t t e r s t o c k ( k e y s ) , S T E V E S A N F O R D ( i l l u s t r a t i o n )

A Quick Treatment TRY Doctor on Demand In minutes, you can be video-chatting with one of Doctor on Demand’s 1,400 network physicians and counselors. Medical consultations cost $40, or you can buy 25-minute blocks of time with a psychologist for $50 each.

As long as you avoid pastels and follow a few rules, no one will mistake you for Don Johnson. First, don’t confuse a T-shirt with an undershirt. The fabric needs heft and a substantial collar band. (Try Gap, Splendid, or Alternative Apparel.) Second, solid colors work best, but you can get away with simple stripes and geometrics. Wear a casual jacket—cotton or linen—and chukkas, white sneakers, or loafers. Finally, watch the length. I wear my tee untucked, hanging no lower than an inch or two below the waist. (If it’s any longer, tuck it.) Complete the look with a canvas or casual leather belt.

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Make Anything Vanish A master illusionist’s tricks for stuff you really want gone. By David Copperfield

Copperfield in 1985, performing the lovelyassistant biceps curl.

Badass Job: Gator Man For all your troublesome reptile needs.

34 | July/August 2016

4/ Yourself, from a Party Ah, the Irish Goodbye. Or where I’m from, the New Jersey Goodbye—sliding from a party without excuses and apologies. When I’m incognito, I’m not wearing a disguise or dark glasses. It’s about posture. If you change how you move—timid in your pacing, reserved in your posture, less confident in everything— it’s like you’re invisible. You can walk out the front door and nobody will notice.

2/ Your Past What was I thinking with that mullet? Don’t be defined by your regrets. If you dwell on the past, so will everyone else. Concentrate on what’s next. What are you doing every day to challenge and redefine yourself? (It’s another form of misdirection!) I don’t have to do magic shows anymore. But I love pushing the art in new directions, reinventing myself, surprising people, defying expectations.

5/ Credit Card Debt Cut up those cards and pay them down. Then just make better choices with your money. Spending money is fine. But invest in yourself, in the things you truly love. I have a resort in the Bahamas called Musha Cay, and I invested in a museum of magic. I had a chance to invest in Uber, which would’ve been smart. But instead I bought Houdini’s pool table. I have no regrets.

3/ Lipstick on a Collar You really need a magician for this one? Throw it in the washer or buy a new shirt. Why is she kissing your shirt anyway? Maybe it’s time to talk to her about her aim. Unless, of course, we’re talking about lipstick belonging to a woman who isn’t your significant other. In which case, Romeo, it’s not the lipstick that needs to disappear—it’s your sense of entitlement.

6/ Your Internet History Oh, forget about this one. Things in cyberspace have the staying power of Stonehenge. The only cure for this is to walk into a burning building, leave your wallet, and then make a quick escape and find a guy who can give you a new identity. Start your life over from scratch. And then stay the hell off Facebook. Or at least stop posting pictures of yourself doing stupid stuff.

46% Number of American men who start their summer with the delusion that laying y g down a “base tan” will help p protect p them from skin cancer—a dangerous g myth. y Always use sunscreen, guys. Source: American Academy of Dermatology

IS ZIKA A GUY’S PROBLEM? It’s not just pregnant women who should worry about Zika. The virus that causes birth defects has been found in semen, and we still don’t know how long it stays there. If you’re infected, you could infect your partner and put a potential baby at risk. Government researchers say the mosquitoes that carry the virus may expand northward from the southern states this summer. Look for a repellent with deet or lemon eucalyptus oil (Cutter, Repel, and Off! have versions); both ingredients are effective against Zika skeeters, according to research from New Mexico State University. But all repellents wear off in four to eight hours, so it’s important to reapply often.

A s s o c i a t e d P r e s s ( C o p p e r f i e l d , g a t o r m a n ) , S c i e n c e S o u r c e /G e t t y I m a g e s ( m o s q u i t o )

Joe Maffo Title Owner, Critter Management, Hilton Head Island, SC Typical Day Poking a 12-footer with a broomstick for 100 yards toward the water. “He didn’t do anything wrong,” Maffo says. “It’s mating season. He was just looking for a girlfriend.” Gator Memory One 800-pounder he’d removed recognized him years later. “As soon as he saw me, he headed back out to sea. Gators have wee little brains—maybe 2 or 3 grams. But they don’t make the same mistake twice.” Gator Snacks “I’ve found PVC pipe, 4-inch drainpipe, and chunks of car tires in their bellies,” Maffo says. “I even found a 51/2-foot gator inside a 10-foot gator.”

1/ Your Beer Gut An essential tool of any magician is misdirection. The key is making the distraction engaging. In one study, people who were asked to watch for specific things in a video failed to notice a man in a gorilla suit walking through the shot. If you don’t want your gut noticed, give people something more interesting to focus on. Or try exercising. Maybe you need some misdirection from those nachos.

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DoubleUnders No, not Aussie twins. It’s two rope revolutions for every jump—a cardio crusher. Record holder Trevor Norris (169 DUs in 60 seconds!) has a must-see YouTube video, “Jump Rope Is Performance Art,” and these tips. Your goal: 10. One would be a great start. 1/ Get into Position Elbows behind your body and wrists in front is most efficient. “It lets you jump longer without tiring quickly,” Norris says.

3/ Don’t Use Your Arms “Using only your wrists to power the rope allows a quicker turnover,” says Norris. That’s the goal: speed with minimal effort. 4/ Stay Calm Tensing up can cause trip-ups. Relax and open up your chest to allow for easier breathing and less shoulder fatigue.


36 | July/August 2016

Male Confidential BY DEBBY HERBENICK, P H . D. , M . P. H .

Eating out is fun, but there’s a cost to your waistline. Below, how your favorite cuisines stack up.

I’ve had sex dreams involving men. But I swear I’m straight. PETER, PHOENIX, AZ

Nope, you’re gay. I kid. Actually, Peter, you sound pretty typical. Women have erotic dreams about other women all the time. And lesbians and gay men also report dreaming of heterosexual encounters. (Yep, a lesbian might be dreaming about having sex with you right now.) Most of the time, the stars of your sex dreams are people you interact with in your daily life—like your wife or the waitress at your favorite diner. But when one of your dreams is about the bus driver or the HR lady at work? It’s just as likely to be random stuff that crosses your mind as it is a message from your subconscious.

Restaurant fare is almost always heavier than the food you’d prepare at home. And a study in the Journal of the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics has identified the worst offenders. To keep your belly under your belt, ask your server to bring you half the meal but box up the other half back in the kitchen, suggests study author Susan Roberts, Ph.D. Here are the average calories per meal for the most popular cuisines in America. Italian 1,556 Chinese 1,478 American 1,451 Indian 1,250 Thai 1,163 Mexican 1,100 Vietnamese 984 Japanese 945 Greek 904

I’m tempted to get a penile implant—I’ve heard it’s safe. True? JOHN, BELMAR, NJ


Increase in your risk of death if your elective surgery is on a weekend instead of a weekday Source: Medical Care

“My Louis Vuitton travel bag. I was 35, working my ass off, and traveling nonstop. I wondered if it was too showy or expensive, but I recognized that it wasn’t just a fancy piece of luggage. It was a potential heirloom that my kids could carry around the world just like I had. It’s nearly 15 years old now, and it’s only gotten better with age. That bag has accompanied me on over a million miles of travel.” —Doug Conklyn, SVP and chief creative officer, Dockers

Safe is one thing. Necessary? That’s another. An implant is a reliable option for guys struggling with erectile dysfunction who’ve tried medication or inspiration without success. And thanks to surgical advances and antibiotic coatings on the devices, infection rates have fallen under 1 percent. That doesn’t mean they’re problem-free; see a urologist who’s had lots of experience with them. Debby Herbenick is a sexual health expert at the Kinsey Institute.

DA N M c C OY ( j u m p r o p e ) , Le v i B r o w n / Tr u n k A r c h i v e ( s u s h i ) , c o u r t e s y D e b b y H e r b e n i c k ( H e r b e n i c k )

2/ Jump Just Right If you jump low, you’ll be fast but run out of gas; jump too high and your speed will suffer. Go with the happy medium.

Dine Out, Stay Lean

Heavy Metal


844.LUX.CARD |

Luxury Card marks are property of Black Card LLC. BLACKCARD is a registered trademark used under license. Luxury Card products are issued by Barclays Bank Delaware. MasterCard and the MasterCard logo are registered trademarks of MasterCard International Incorporated.


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Summer Travel: Pack This Adventurer and journalist Ian McNaught Davis brings these.

O’Grey and Jake run each other every day.

The Pic She Wants to See

4-7-8 That’s your formula for instant calm. Close your mouth and inhale through your nose for four counts. Then hold your breath for seven counts. Now exhale through your mouth for eight. Repeat this cycle three more times. Relaxed, right? You can thank Andrew Weil, M.D., founder of the Arizona Center for Integrative Medicine.

38 | July/August 2016

Charger “Use a small solarpowered charger when cycling or on a bus. You’ll have the juice to check a map or send a message.”

Notebook “That’s right, good old paper and pen. They never malfunction. I’ve written all my stories by hand— this story included.”

Book “Reading a book (not your cellphone) in the queue at a border post says you’re in no hurry—and an unlikely target for extortion.”

Belly Off! Club A pair of rescue dogs helped rescue Eric O’Grey. THE SETBACK





A sedentary life blew Eric O’Grey up to 340 pounds. He had a 52-inch waist and spent $1,000 a month on diabetes and blood pressure meds. Dinner was not one but two XL pizzas. His weight fueled isolation, and vice versa. “I was rolling downhill toward death,” he says.

As flight attendants tried to find him a seatbelt extender, the guy next to him grumbled in disgust, “I’m gonna miss my connection because you’re too fat.” O’Grey scheduled bariatric surgery, but a naturopathic doctor suggested an alternative: a canine companion.




At a shelter, O’Grey adopted Peety—also middle-aged, obese, and sad. They’d go for two 30-minute walks a day, gradually adding mileage and speed. In 10 months, O’Grey hit his 180pound goal; then they took up running in the morning. “It’s like buying your self-respect for the entire day.”

Once Peety came into his life, O’Grey learned to cook and make smoothies. The pounds melted off— 3 or 4 a week. “It wasn’t anything extreme, just light to moderate exercise and the diet.” When Peety, who’d lost 25 pounds, died of cancer in March 2015, O’Grey promptly regained 30 pounds.

O’Grey rescued another dog, Jake. They run 40 to 50 miles a week together, and O’Grey has done 15 marathons. Knowing that Jake is waiting helps motivate him when the alarm goes off at 4:30 a.m. “I feel like I’m 25, and I look younger than I did before. This is what normal feels like.”


Eric O’Grey, 56, Spokane Valley, WA OCCUPATION

Marketing manager HEIGHT


10 months

E s t a t e o f K e i t h M o r r i s / R e d fe r n s /G e t t y I m a g e s ( S c h w a r z e n e g g e r ) , ST E V E S A N F O R D ( i l l u s t r a t i o n s ) , D a n Pe l l e / T h e S p o k e s m a n - R e v i e w ( O ’ G r e y a f t e r )

Your shirtless selfie from the Cancun trip? Lose it. Women tend to favor a profile photo that exudes pride, suggests a survey from the online dating site DatingFound, which compiled single women’s responses to 5,532 photos of single men. The pose they found most appealing: standing with your chest expanded, arms crossed, and head tilted up. Lookin’ good.

Multitool “Perfect for fixing bikes, hacking off branches, opening beers, removing splinters, gutting fish. Wash it sometimes.”



©2016 Odwalla Inc. All rights reserved.

Spot Food Frauds

Extra-Virgin Olive Oil It’s often cut with subpar oils, says Larry Olmsted, author of Real Food, Fake Food. Check the buyers’ guide at


Training Masks: Boon or Bunk? Some athletes swear by restricted-airflow devices. But scientists aren’t sure. The Gear If you watch pregame shows, you’ve probably seen sports superstars like Marshawn Lynch and LeBron James wearing training masks. These devices are intended to replicate some of the benefits of exercising at high altitude so an athlete gets more out of his workouts. Maybe you’ve even caught guys on the treadmill or squat rack at the gym looking like Bane from Batman while they run or lift, apparently hoping for the same kind of boost. The Claim By cutting down on the amount of oxygen you take in, your lungs and heart have to work harder. The result is that your body must adapt how it uses its energy stores. Once you unmask for

a race or competition, your body then uses oxygen more efficiently, leading to substantial increases in strength, endurance, and speed. Our Experience When a Men’s Health editor tried one, he definitely felt as if he was working harder. “Within 25 minutes of wearing the mask in my first session, my heart rate was close to its max. I felt like I was taxing my lungs even during my rest periods.” He also found it a little frustrating. But after several workouts, he said, “learning to breathe better has had an impact on my training, from lifting heavier to running faster and farther. Most of all, it’s an exercise in mental endurance that translates beyond the gym floor.” Well, maybe. . .

The Science The masks don’t boost performance, say scientists at Oklahoma State University. They found that military cadets who trained in the masks over a six-week period showed no greater improvements in strength or endurance than those who trained maskless. The Verdict The masks don’t help, and they may even hurt your performance because they don’t change the oxygen content of the air, says MH fitness advisor Bill Hartman, C.S.C.S. The mask merely makes it more difficult to breathe. That can cause dysfunctional breathing patterns, Hartman says. The easier, cheaper, and more effective way to make breathing difficult: Work harder.

When to Back Off from Pills Not all pain meds have your back. In a JAMA study, people with moderate back pain who took two daily 500-milligram doses of naproxen (sold over the counter as Aleve) got as much relief as those who popped prescription opioids too. OTC pain relievers are especially appropriate if you have a short-term injury that’ll mend naturally. For long-term relief, pair OTC pills with therapies like massage and yoga, says study author Benjamin Friedman, M.D. Opioids, like OxyContin and Percocet, are best for severe cases and may have strong side effects like dizziness and nausea, Dr. Friedman says. (Then, of course, there’s the addiction risk.) The only side effect of a massage is feeling awesome. —Julie Stewart

40 | July/August 2016

Red Snapper Restaurants often swap in tilefish (which can be mercury-laden) or tilapia. Buy the real fish at the supermarket instead. Parmigiano-Reggiano The real stuff is called by its Italian name‚ not just “Parmesan,” and has a PDO (protected denomination of origin) seal.

Lengthen Your Drive Now this is summer muscle: U.K. scientists found that PGA pros who performed best in the bodyweight jump squat and seated medicine ball forward throw also had the fastest clubhead speeds. Perform those exercises—3 sets of 5— three days a week.

M I TC H M A N D E L ( m a s k ) , A s s o c i a t e d P r e s s ( Ly n c h ) , Vo v a S h e v c h u k /S h u t t e r s t o c k ( c h e e s e ) , Va l e n t y n Vo l k o v /A l a m y ( o i l ) , P i c t u r e P a r t n e r s /A l a m y ( f i s h ) , J e f f r e y C o o l i d g e /G e t t y I m a g e s ( g o l f ) , A d r i a n n a W i l l i a m s /G e t t y I m a g e s ( p i l l s )

Don’t believe everything you read in stores or restaurants.

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He Came, He Ate, He Won It’s like the Tour de France, but with doughnuts. By Eric Spitznagel On July 9, Yasir Salem will defend his championship title at the 28th annual Tour de Donut race in Staunton, Illinois. Billing himself as “The World’s Top Speed-Eater Ultra Athlete,” he’ll attempt to ride his bicycle 34 miles over rolling terrain, stopping at several checkpoint stations to cram dozens of doughnuts down his gullet. For every doughnut eaten, participants—there were about 1,200 last year—are given a five-minute time deduction. At the 2015 race, Salem ate enough for a finishing time of negative 96 minutes. Nobody else came close. Could this odd sport—an antidote to cycling’s weight-obsessed culture—be a glimpse of the future? Will tomorrow’s Lance Armstrong stuff his face with baked goods until he gets busted for “doping” with Pepto-Bismol? Of course not. Salem, a 39-year-old New Yorker and marketing director, might not fuel up like most athletes, but you have to admire his results. In addition to Illinois, he’s also won five other doughnut races. He stumbled onto something that few were especially good at, and he became the best.

42 | July/August 2016

So you want to be the Fred Astaire of gorging on doughnuts and then riding a bike? That’s better than being the Cookie Monster. What’s the point? That’s just gross. Do you have any serious competition? There’s a guy in Massachusetts, Geoff Esper. He’s got these monster legs, and he’s really good at going uphill. He’s also an excellent competitive eater. He’s right at my level. I was going to face him at the Donut Derby in Connecticut before it got canceled. Leading up to the race, I was really excited and scared at the same time. I was doing lots of hill sprints and different exercises and making sure my capacity was good for doughnuts. How? Do you practice overeating? I chew on silicone tubes made for people recovering from jaw surgery. And I’ll drink a gallon of water in 40 seconds before exercising. Why so fast? So it hurts. You need that feeling of being extremely and uncomfortably full. That’s what winning is about—dealing with that fullness and discomfort. It’s not about what’s happening in your stomach; it’s what’s happening in your head. You have to control the fear? Yes, exactly that. In competitive eating, people get nervous and start to panic, and that’s when they vomit. But your body is fine. It’s your head that’s saying, “This is insane! Abort, abort, abort!”

Ryan O. (Spitznagel), James Farrell (Salem)

MEN’S HEALTH: Were you the athlete who discovered competitive eating, or the guy who loved fried dough and then got on a bike? YASIR SALEM: Actually it was neither. I was never especially athletic. To this day I’m not very good at sports. And I don’t really care for doughnuts. Well, then, what the hell? It was really a matter of finding my niche. I got involved in competitive eating in 2008. I’m not the number one competitive eater in the world. I’m ranked number 11. I’m not the best cyclist, but I’m generally okay. So it started with me wondering, where can I dominate? If you can’t be the best at one of them, maybe you can be the best at both? Exactly. I put these two skills together. Individually, I’m just okay. But together, I’m a champion. You’re the defending champion at this summer’s Tour de Donut in Illinois. Do you feel the pressure? Oh yeah. I put the pressure on myself more than anything. I was a little disappointed with my performance last year.

Could have pedaled faster? Eaten more? I wanted to eat 60 doughnuts. But you ate 50 of them! In the middle of a bicycle race! Yeah, but you’ve got to keep pushing yourself. I’m still trying to find my limit. Sixty is your personal doughnut Kilimanjaro? That’s the goal. But I don’t think about doughnuts as individual increments. I eat them by the dozen. I squoosh them together and shove them in. How are you not constantly puking? I never puke. Haven’t done it once in a race. How is that possible? There’s no advantage to puking in the middle of the race. First, it’s against the rules. And second, the whole point of eating doughnuts is to gain time on the clock. If you throw up, you’re throwing up your advantage. You’re also not going to get many crowds at these races if the competitors are all barfing. That’s right. There was a race last year where I was eating a little messy at one of the stops, and I was disappointed with myself because people were watching me and taking pictures. It wasn’t the image I wanted to project. What could you have done differently? Don’t make a mess. Don’t dribble everywhere. There’s an art to making something so crazy look kind of graceful.

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39% Dieters shown a negative g message g about junk food (it’s evil!) ate this much more of it than people given a positive one (tasty!). y So embrace the g good side of bad food. Source: Cornell University

Don’t Just Wing It Hours in a tube at 35,000 feet can leave you parched, in pain, and wiped out. Follow our advice to feel your best. Stay Hydrated Cabin air is less than 20 percent humidity—lower than a dry day in Death Valley, which is why your tongue usually feels like sandpaper by the time you land. Grab a bottle of water at the gate and take it on board with you. Sucking on ice also helps, so ask for an extra cup of it with your drink order. And make it a nonalcoholic drink; booze works against your hydration efforts.

Beat the Pressure Your best preboarding purchase: a pack of gum. The chewing stimulates swallowing, which helps equalize the pressure between your inner and outer ear. Chewing may also help reduce your levels of the stress hormone cortisol, which might keep you from getting so peeved at the armrest hog in 17A. And of course it’ll sweeten your breath for your witty banter with the cutie in 17C.

Manage Fatigue Limit your in-flight nap to a half hour, max. That way you won’t sabotage your next full night’s rest. When you arrive, try to stay in your full upright position no matter how wiped out you feel. In other words, fight the urge to crawl into bed. Instead, go for a walk or jog. A dose of natural light will help readjust your body clock, and exercise releases endorphins that can help alleviate jet lag.

Try These Seeds of Change Make your body a flax machine!

Can sane folks learn from those wacky ultramarathoners? We can certainly try: A South African study found that competitors with the fastest times tend to run together at the start of the race. For your weekend race: Find others who are running at your goal pace and hang with them, at least in the beginning. Jackrabbits become roadkill.


44 | July/August 2016

GOING ON A SECOND DATE IF YOU DIDN’T FEEL SPARKS THE FIRST TIME Yes, it is worth it. For one thing, you’re bound to have a better time. On that first date, she may have been holding back; women in particular are taught early on not to talk to strangers. So if the first date rated a 7, call her back, and be observant this time. Watch for admirable qualities, like friendliness, humor, and especially optimism. After all, she’s going out with you again, right? Share a family story or ask if she has a photo of her cat. You can gauge empathy, and deeper exchanges can lead to carnal feelings. —Robert Gordon, Ph.D., author of I Love You Madly!

A n e t l a n d a /A l a m y ( s e e d s ) , A n n C u t t i n g S e l e c t /A l a m y ( p l a n e ) , H o w a r d B e r m a n /G e t t y I m a g e s ( p e t s ) , S T E V E S A N F O R D ( i l l u s t r a t i o n )

Run with the Herd

Flaxen hair? Nice—she sounds hot. Flax linen: cool and comfortable. But do we really need flax in our bodies? Maybe. Dietitians love the omega3s in flaxseed oil. And now scientists in Australia have uncovered yet another potential benefit: Flaxseed can help keep your blood pressure in check. People who ate 2 to 3 tablespoons of flaxseed a day lowered their systolic BP by an average of 2 points. That may cut your stroke risk by as much as10 percent. The alpha-linoleic acid and lignans in flaxseed may help reduce the fatty-acid oxidation in your blood, preventing the narrowing of arteries. Buy them ground or pulverize whole seeds in a coffee grinder; scatter the powder over yogurt, use it in spice rubs, or add it to your meatloaf.




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Set Yourself Straight

Muscle, 1950s Style Steve Reeves used a bodybuilding tactic to look the part of Hercules. For massive size, his secret still works today.

Career in a slump? Check your posture. Researchers at the University of Auckland, New Zealand, found that slouching can sabotage your work performance. Study participants who slumped had lower ratings of selfesteem and mood and higher ratings of anxiety during mock interviews than those who sat upright. That’s because sitting up straight may help build resilience to high-pressure situations, the researchers say.

Herc carved his V shape the oldfashioned way: a crapload of reps.

Too much sodium can make you feel bloated, but can it also give you a gut? Unfortunately, yes. In an Australian study, people who ate pasta with a salty sauce took in 11 percent more calories than those who ate less-salty versions. That’s because excessive salt may override feelings of fullness, says study author Russell Keast, Ph.D. Our pick for pasta: Muir Glen Organic No Salt Added Tomato Sauce, with 30 milligrams of sodium per serving.

46 | July/August 2016



Barbell biceps curl



Bench press



Dumbbell biceps curl



Triceps pushdown



Give it a try! Start with a heavy weight. Repeat with one that’s 15 percent lighter. Repeat again with 15 percent less weight. That’s 1 set.


You’ll build more force and power—and grow muscle faster—by using a TRAP BAR instead of a straight bar for deadlifts, research finds.

The Simple Fix for Frightening Frizz Here’s the key for a calmer coiffure. Every humid day is a bad hair day: Your strands absorb atmospheric moisture and swell up, undoing all that fussing you did in the bathroom mirror. Your weapons in this battle are products that contain keratin and glyoxylic acid, which coat and smooth the surface of each hair, says San Diego stylist Arianna Marino. She recommends Goldwell Kerasilk Control shampoo ($28, or a dry shampoo that has absorbent ingredients like rice, clay, or cornstarch. Try Bumble and Bumble’s Prêt-à-Powder ($12, “You don’t want extra shine, so go with a matte wax for a thickening effect,” she says. Longer hair is harder to control, she adds, so if you’re thinking of going shorter for summer, get chopping.

C o u r t e s y E v e r e t t C o l l e c t i o n ( R e e v e s ) , M . U n a l O z m e n /S h u t t e r s t o c k ( s a l t ) , c o u r t e s y R o g u e F i t n e s s ( t r a p b a r ) , F i n C o s t e l l o / R e d fe r n s /G e t t y I m a g e s ( B o n J o v i )

How Salt Adds Fat

He won both the Mr. America and Mr. Universe contests, but Steve Reeves is best remembered for the 1950s sword-and-sandals epics Hercules and Hercules Unchained. Reeves says he later turned down the James Bond role in Dr. No and the Clint Eastwood part in A Fistful of Dollars. So perhaps he wasn’t the best career strategist, but he sure had a hell of a physique. His approach: drop sets. He did as many reps as he could with a heavy weight and then repeated the same number of reps twice more with less weight each time. And that’s just 1 set. “It’s a time-tested way to overload your muscles,” says L.A. trainer Ben Bruno. “Drop sets are effective for adding muscle to stubborn areas.”


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Beach Volleyball, Mastered Yeah, the game is just for fun. But feel free to dominate.


4 Big-League Errors The ballpark is ideal for cheat meals and lots of beer. But we’re going to wave off these offerings as clearly foul.

Nutrition Know-It-All M I K E RO U S S E L L , PH . D.

What’s worse: skipping breakfast or eating a doughnut?

D I G I T, B A B Y


Go for the ball low, your legs bent, says Olympic silver medalist Jennifer Kessy. Dig it toward the center of the court, where your teammates are likely loitering. S E T S M A R T LY

You’re not playing with Olympians, so keep your sets low and within reach of mere mortals. Key: Face where you want the ball to go, not where your teammate is.

TAPE MEASURE CHEESESTEAK Yankee Stadium, Bronx, NY Shaved steak, onions, cheese—two feet of it, same length as the pitcher’s rubber. You can start it, but you’ll need relief help.

BUFFALO CHICKEN WAFFLE FRIES Wrigley Field, Chicago, IL Fried chicken breast with hot sauce over waffle fries slathered with soft Chihuahua cheese and blue cheese crumbles.

Grass-fed beef has trans fat? I thought it was supposed to be good for me! MIKE, DENVER, CO

SWEET SPOT COTTON CANDY DOG Globe Life Park, Arlington, TX A perfectly good frankfurter ruined by cotton-candy-infused mustard and served with puffs of the real stuff.

BURGERIZZA Turner Field, Atlanta, GA A 20-ounce beef patty with bacon and five slices of cheddar, between two 8-inch pepperoni pizzas. Served on a gurney.

Pour Yourself a Cup of Healthy You can’t set down a coffee mug these days without it landing on a new study about how healthy the brew is. The latest one says 2½ cups or more a day may cut your odds of developing colorectal cancer in half. We suggest brewing yours with ours: The Better Man Blend. $16 for 12 oz., 48 | July/August 2016

All beef contains trans fat, but not all trans fat is bad for your health. The heart-damaging kind, known as elaidic acid, is created during industrial processing. The other, harmless kind is called vaccenic acid; it comes from natural sources like beef and is found in slightly higher amounts in cattle on a grassonly diet. So go ahead and enjoy your steaks. The USDA is reworking labeling standards for grass-fed beef, so until those are set, it’s best to buy directly from a local source you can talk to. Mike Roussell, Ph.D., is the author of The Six Pillars of Nutrition and a nutrition advisor for Men’s Health.

J o e S c a r n i c i /C o n t r i b u t o r /G e t t y I m a g e s ( v o l l e y b a l l ) , ST E V E S A N F O R D ( i l l u s t r a t i o n s ) , c o u r t e s y M i k e R o u s s e l l ( R o u s s e l l ) , M AT T R A I N E Y ( c o f fe e )


Jump using both feet, swinging your arms for lift. Resist the urge to crush it; soft shots to empty spots are killer, especially if your rivals have been drinking.

Downing the doughnut. All that sweet stuff is only going to make you hungrier in a couple of hours when your blood sugar crashes. Also know that skipping breakfast won’t bring on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Your body has plenty of stored fuel to carry you through to lunch. I even encourage some of my clients to skip a meal every so often so they know what it’s like to feel hungry, deal with it, and not freak. Think of it as your willpower workout.

Ask Men’s Health Definitive Answers to Life’s Essential Questions

If you have benign paroxysmal positional vertigo, make sure you stick the landing.



I stood up quickly, and the room started spinning. I was so dizzy that I hit the floor. It was scary. What happened?

My girlfriend has genital herpes. If we’re safe, what are the odds I’ll get it?


50 | July/August 2016

K laus Ved fel t /G et t y I mages

Maybe it was dehydration. Maybe it was that fourth old-fashioned. Maybe watching Mad Max: Fury Road on your 75-incher was just too much. No? Chances are you experienced something called benign paroxysmal positional vertigo. The key word here? “Benign.” That’s good. This is the condition that made golfer Jason Day hit the fairway (with his head, not his ball) during the U.S. Open last year—but he recovered and became number one in the world. It’s different than garden-variety dizziness, which generally passes in seconds after you stand quickly. It’s also different than orthostatic hypotension, a blood pressure problem that worsens the longer you stand. Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo is sudden, and it’s brought on by dislodged calcium carbonate crystals in your inner ear, says Carol Foster, M.D., director of the Balance Laboratory at the University of Colorado Hospital. These crystals relay motion signals to your brain, but if they migrate to the wrong place, you get seriously dizzy. It can take months for the condition to clear up, but you can coerce the crystals back into place with a series of wacky poses that mimic yoga. Ask a doctor to show you how.


Very slim—if you’re smart about it. While no form of protection against genital herpes is totally foolproof, you can dramatically lower the odds of transmission with two easy steps: First, ask if she’ll talk to her doctor about taking an antiviral medication such as Valtrex. Research has shown that it reduces the odds of becoming symptomatic—as in, dealing with painful lesions—and it cuts the risk of transmission in half. Second, use condoms— they’ll drop your risk even more. (A touch of lubricant outside the condom will make things feel better for both of you.) With that combo in place, you can worry a lot less.



Not just a better bathroom, but also a better home loan experience. Rocket Mortgage’s completely online process gives you a custom mortgage solution, so you can refinance and start saving money to finally update that yuck-colored bathroom. Quicken Loans NMLS #3030. Equal Housing Lender. Licensed in 50 states. AR, TX: 1050 Woodward Ave., Detroit, MI 48226-1906, (888) 474-0404; AZ: 16425 North Pima, Ste. 200, Scottsdale, AZ 85260, Mortgage Banker License #BK-0902939; CA: Licensed by Dept. of Business Oversight, under the CA Residential Mortgage Lending Act; CO: Regulated by the Division of Real Estate; GA: Residential Mortgage Licensee #11704; IL: Residential Mortgage Licensee #4127 – Dept. of Financial and Professional Regulation; KS: SL-0000693; ME: Supervised Lender License; MN: Not an offer for a rate lock agreement; MS: Licensed by the MS Dept. of Banking and Consumer Finance; NH: Licensed by the NH Banking Dept., #6743MB; NV: License #626; NJ: Licensed Mortgage Banker – NJ Dept. of Banking, 1st (and/or 2nd) mortgages only; NY: Licensed Mortgage Banker – NYS Banking Dept.; OH: MB 850076; OR: License #ML-1387; PA: Licensed as a 1st Mortgage Banker by the Dept. of Banking and licensed pursuant to the PA Secondary Mortgage Loan Act; RI: Licensed Lender; VA:; WA: Consumer Loan Company License CL-3030. Quicken Loans NMLS #3030. Rates subject to change. Restrictions may apply. ©2000–2016 Quicken Loans Inc., All rights reserved. Lending services provided by Quicken Loans Inc., a subsidiary of Rock Holdings Inc. “Quicken Loans” is a registered service mark of Intuit Inc., used under license.

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an hourlong no-drink buffer before bedtime. And if you’re used to enjoying a nightcap, get unused to it, since alcohol can act as a diuretic. Meanwhile, double down on your gym time: In a study published in Medicine & Science in Sports & Exercise, men between the ages of 55 and 74 who were physically active for at least an hour a week were 34 percent less likely to wake up three or more times a night to relieve themselves. Maintaining a healthy body weight and limiting internal inflammation—two benefits of exercise—may give you more bladder control. NUTRITION

I hear chia seeds have omega-3 fats. Can I just eat those instead of fish?

“By now I could’ve biked to the beer store and back.”




Some days I’m just too tired for the gym. Is there something else I can do?

I’ve been waking up a lot to pee. How much nighttime peeing is too much? BERT, ALBANY, NY

How old are you, Bert? It’s not too common for young guys to get up more than twice a night to pee, but up to half of men in their 70s do. Generally, it’s nothing to worry about. But in some cases, excessive nocturnal urination can signal a weak heart, diabetes, or a kidney infection, says Jesse Mills, M.D., director of the Men’s Clinic at UCLA. A simple urine test can rule those problems out. You might also have an enlarged prostate, which is annoying but usually easily treatable. To stem your nighttime flow, impose

Have a question? We’ve got answers! Ask at


Is it just my imagination, or do pro pitchers have big butts? Does that help them on the field? JOSH, ROANOKE, VA

Assolutely. That plus-size posterior is responsible for generating the massive rotational torque necessary for throwing 100-plus mph fastballs, says Bret Contreras, Ph.D., C.S.C.S., the author of Bodyweight Strength Training Anatomy. The key muscles here are the gluteus maximus, gluteus medius, and gluteus minimus, a trio that provides balance, speed, and power. To build them up, Contreras recommends three classes of glute exercises: vertical (like squats and lunges), horizontal (hip thrusts and back extensions), and lateral (cable hip abductions and lateral band walks). Do one of each three to five times a week and you’ll see improvements in whatever sport you play. 52 | July/August 2016

Ali Eaves takes your questions on sex, love, lust, and relationships. She wants to spend a fortune on our wedding. Can I put my foot down? CHAD, CHICAGO, IL

Step quickly. As you read this, she could be neck-deep in Pinterest boards that make her feel as if every cocktail napkin needs to be Instagram-worthy. Trust me, no one will notice those $520 damask tablecloths on your big night, but she’ll probably regret them six months down the line when she needs new tires and your water heater springs a leak. Now’s a perfect time to budget your first year of marriage. Do you want to buy a house? Pay off your student loans? Take a ski trip to Aspen? Hiring a string quartet will suddenly seem a lot less appealing if it puts a wrench in those plans.

What’s the one thing that never fails to light a woman’s fire? BEN, CHARLESTON, SC

Sometimes my husband lets me “catch” him watching the dirty video we made on our vacation to Jamaica last year. Works every time. The idea that he’d rather look at me than a barely legal blonde on PornHub? Swoon. But even if you’ve never filmed any sexy home movies together, there are plenty of other ways to convey that you want her. Urgently. Make out in the elevator the second the doors close. Sext her every dirty thing that springs to your mind when you think of her wearing yoga pants. Let your eyes linger when she takes off her coat. Once she gets that message loud and clear, she’ll be chasing you around the kitchen table. Follow Ali on Facebook at MHGirlNextDoor, and on Twitter at @MHGirlNextDoor.

C l o c k w i s e f r o m t o p l e f t : g - s t o c k s t u d i o / G e t t y I m a g e s , M AT T R A I N E Y, R o n Ve s e l y / M L B P h o t o s v i a G e t t y I m a g e s


Sure there is. Ride a bike for 20 minutes—it’s a proven lethargy buster. In a recent University of Georgia study, low-energy but otherwise healthy people who took time out for a 20-minute stationary bike ride three days a week reported an impressive 20 percent boost in energy over the course of six weeks. If cycling isn’t your thing, you can replicate the study’s results by choosing any exercise that increases your resting heart rate by 50 beats a minute, says exercise physiologist Dean Somerset, C.S.C.S.

We’d rather you didn’t—chia seeds are no substitute for seafood. Omega-3s come in three varieties: EPA, DHA, and ALA. Those first two, which are plentiful in salmon and tuna, fight inflammation and help build every cell in your body. ALA is found in canola oil, walnuts, and chia seeds. To use it, your body has to convert it to DHA or EPA. But the process is inefficient, and only about 10 percent of the ALA you eat actually makes the switch, says Men’s Health nutrition advisor Alan Aragon. So to meet your DHA and EPA quota, be sure to eat 14 to 21 ounces of fatty fish a week. (One palmsized serving is about 6 ounces.)



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Jimmy the Bartender Straight-up advice on women, work, and other things that drive men crazy. This young guy I work with can’t make a decision without coming by my office to chat about it first. How do I teach him to think for himself?

How to get lit: A good book, like good booze, should be sipped and savored.

Phil, Tulsa, OK Did you ever notice how the most important words you can say to another person always come in handy three-packs? “I was wrong.” “I love you.” “Glad to help.” “It’s my round.” Well, it’s the same deal here, Phil. The kid’s expecting you to be his cubicle mom, coming by to make sure he’s not screwing up. The next time he asks, you say, “I don’t know.” Do it three times in a row and he’ll be on his own. Someday, slip him a “How’s it going?” He’ll be grateful.

What’s the best drinking book ever written? Ted, New York, NY

Jimmy Calls BS on... 54 | July/August 2016

Smart Homes Aren’t they great? Spend a wad of money and you can turn on the back porch lights or close the garage door with your iPhone. Game changing. Here’s how I got a smart home years ago: I married a smart woman. Now if they ever make a house that’s smart enough to paint itself, let me know.

Drew, Chicago, IL Well, you learned the hard way, Drew: Best not to touch the phone when you’re drunk, angry, horny, or any combination of the three. Your options now: Move across the country, hope she was plastered that night too, or admit to her that you have a problem and are going to meetings.

My rich brotherin-law always makes a show of grabbing the tab. I hate it, but do I look like a dick if I just grab it back? Richard, Yardley, PA Yes, Dick, you do. What’s wrong with you? Here’s what you say, in one of those

My teenage niece is starting to fill out. The way she dresses, the whole world knows it. Do I say something? Mike, Tacoma, WA I hear what you’re saying, and I’ve seen what you’re talking about. But you? Not a word to anyone. That’s why your niece is being raised by parents and not by a pack of nervous uncles. If you play skin police, you’ll look like a creep—plus, you’ll be one. You really want to help? Show your niece that the kind of guy she should respect is the kind of guy who respects her—even when she’s going full Miley. Eventually she’ll reach her own conclusions about how she wants to present herself to the world. And then, who knows? She might even ask you for your opinion.

The more I drink, the more I flirt. But I’m not a cheater, like ever. So why does my girlfriend treat me like one? Larry, Richmond, VA She may have noticed the same thing I’ve noticed about men who get sloshed and think they’re real ladykillers. They’re almost always wrong. My friend O’Rourke called booze “liquid idiot” for a very good reason, and it seems your girlfriend has witnessed it firsthand. So maybe she’s not treating you like a cheater after all. Maybe she’s just treating you like a loser.

From top: Michelle Pedone, Charlie Surbey/Galler y Stock , Get t y Images

I take it you mean a literary and not a how-to sort of book, Ted. Well, it’s none of that Hemingway-Fitzgerald lit-major stuff. To me the great booze novel is J.P. Donleavy’s The Ginger Man, which is almost as old as I am. It’s about an American in postwar Ireland living his expatriate fantasy. He gets drunk quite a lot, and he gets laid—quite a lot. The story reinforces my notion of why men drink: We’ve all had one incredible night that combines liquor and its sidekick, misbehavior. In your memory it all unfolds epically, with huge characters—including yourself— doing things that blend shame and brilliance. You order a drink and the next thing you know you have the woman, the fire escape, and the unexpected boyfriend. So for the rest of your life, you order the night’s first drink hoping it will all happen that way again, even though it never does. A better bet: Sip slowly and reread The Ginger Man. Perfect every time.

I drunk-dialed a woman I’m into and left a sloppy voicemail professing my love. How can I recover?

three-word poems: “Thanks very much.” Either he’ll run out of money or the bar will run out of booze.

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Fitness+Muscle More than 25 percent of new runners end up injured. Avoid that fate with our plan.

A BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO RUNNING Rack up smarter, safer miles this summer. Here’s how. By Mike Darling When I crossed the finish line at the Boston Marathon a few months ago, my old college buddies were in disbelief—back at Pitt, I wasn’t exactly known for my athleticism. But Boston was my third marathon, and I now consider myself a real runner. I revel in my runs across New York’s RFK Bridge and the heft of a race medal in my hand. In truth, my transition from beer runs to road runs didn’t happen smoothly. I’ve had sore knees, a cranky Achilles, and more, mostly due to my rookie mindset. Like many novices who end up injured, I thought the only things I needed were shoes and a will to sweat. “Most people are poorly prepared for the stress that running puts on the body,” says Kelly Starrett, D.P.T., author of Ready to Run. Use this plan to prep yourself so you don’t wreck yourself. Consider it your starting line to incredible fitness. `

July/August 2016 | 57


2/ Build a Foundation Don’t take off like a rabbit: Spend two weeks walking while doing these moves three days a week and then once or twice a week afterward.

Miniband Sidestep

Cadence Lunge

Here’s the ultimate hip fortifier: Position a miniband around your legs just below your knees. Keeping your upper body still, take small steps to the right for about 20 feet and then sidestep back to your left for another 20 feet. That’s 1 set. Do 3.

Build strong strides: Holding a dumbbell in your right hand, step back with your right leg into a reverse lunge as you swing the weight in front of you. Explosively stand back up. That’s 1 rep. Do 10 and switch sides. Do 3 sets of 10 per side.

Turkish Getup

Band Lying Leg Extension

This move boosts mobility and strengthens every muscle from head to toe, especially those in your core. A strong core allows you to run with more control and stability. For the how-to, see page 160. Do 5 reps on each side.

For bulletproof legs, lie on your back with your hips and knees bent 90 degrees. Loop a miniband around your feet. Straighten your right leg. Reverse and repeat with your left. Do 3 sets of 10 reps per leg.

1/ Equip Yourself

3/ Prep Your Muscles

Seek out a specialty running store and invest in the gear you’ll need to start strong. Here are a few essentials.

Readying your body requires loosening up your muscles and locking down your nutrition. Run through this routine before you pound pavement.

Don’t just go to a department store and buy the first pair that looks cool. It’s worth the extra effort to find a running store that can provide a gait analysis. The test will tell you how you run— that is, whether your foot rolls inward (pronation) or outward (supination) when it strikes the ground—and whether you have high arches or flat feet. That information will help the staff put you in shoes that compensate for weaknesses in your running mechanics. They may even recommend an over-thecounter orthotic. This is an insert that you customize by popping it in the oven to soften, sliding it into your shoe, and then simply wearing the shoe. For people with wonky feet, orthotics can help reduce the risk of a whole slew of painful and common injuries, like IT band syndrome and shin splints. 58 | July/August 2016

Miniband to Prevent Injury Stash this simple $3 item in your gym bag or overnight bag—it can save you from a world of hurt. You can use it to strengthen the oft-injured muscles around your hips as well as your smaller stabilizing muscles, says Philadelphia trainer Jim Ferris. (Need miniband exercises? Keep reading.)

Dumbbells for a Strong Core A firm muscle is a fast muscle. If you don’t own dumbbells, buy a pair of 15- or 20-pounders. With these, you can combine weighted exercises (such as overhead push presses, straight-leg deadlifts, and lunges) with classic bodyweight moves like planks, side planks, and mountain climbers to strengthen your core, says sports medicine doctor and MH advisor Jordan Metzl, M.D.

Open Your Hips With a wall directly behind you, assume a lunge position with your left knee forward and your right knee behind you on the floor close to the wall; your right shin should be running up the wall. You’ll feel your right hip and quad stretch. Switch legs; repeat. This simple move opens up your hips and helps prevent knee, back, and hip pain, says Starrett. Do it for a minute on each leg before and after you run.

Stretch Your Calves Prevent Achilles tendinitis and shin splints: Stand on the balls of your feet on a step with your heels hanging off the edge. (You can use a railing or a wall for balance.) Push yourself up and slowly (to a count of 10) drop your heels below the level of the step. Push back up and repeat. Do 3 sets of 15 every day after you run.

Don’t Carbo-Load Step away from the pasta, Prefontaine. Beginning runners often overfuel, not realizing that a 3-mile run burns only around 400 calories, which is roughly the amount in two candy or energy bars. Your normal diet will give you what you need until you reach half-marathon distance and beyond, says Dr. Metzl.

Hydrate Gradually Resist the urge to glug lots of H20 before a run; you shouldn’t feel as if you’re cramming for an exam, says dietitian and Runner’s World magazine columnist Pamela Bede. A better strategy is to simply drink when you feel thirsty, she says. For any outing lasting under an hour—as long as conditions aren’t too hot or humid— you really don’t need to carry water. You’ll be perfectly fine with the fluid you have on board.

C u l t u r a / I m a g e S o u r c e /G a l l e r y S t o c k ( p r e v i o u s p a g e), M AT T S A L A C U S E (t h i s p a g e); i c o n s b y M I C H A E L B R A N D O N M Y E R S

Shoes That Fit

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4/ Start Running Your first runs are critical. Learn proper running mechanics early so you can make faster progress and protect yourself from injury.

Don’t Overstride Try to maintain a compact stride and a quick cadence (i.e., step turnover), says former Dartmouth College track coach Mark Coogan, who now coaches pro runners for New Balance Boston. That’ll help you avoid landing on your heels too much. If you’re a bigger guy, it could also moderate the impact on your lower back. “It’s especially important when going downhill,” he adds. “That’s when the quads and knees can take a beating, and also when new runners tend to go for it.”

Relax Already Try not to move like Frankenstein’s monster. “I tell people to imagine they’re holding an egg in each hand. You don’t want to be squeezing so hard that you’d break it.” That helps you stay loose everywhere, including your upper back and shoulders.

Be Efficient Beginners have a tendency to swing their arms across their body as they gain speed, Dr. Metzl says. That motion wastes energy because it’s side to side rather than forward. Swing your arms naturally back and forth; the movement should be a perfect counterbalance to your legs, propelling you forward.




15 minutes


15 minutes


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20 minutes


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25 minutes


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30 minutes

Foam-Roll Roll everything. Set a timer for 10 minutes and foam-roll back and forth over as many parts of your lower body—glutes, quads, hamstrings, calves—as possible for about 30 seconds each. When you’re really feeling the pinch, dig into achy spots with a lacrosse ball, Starrett says. Align the ball with the tight area, take a deep breath, and relax around it, letting the ball sink in and knead the spot. Then roll the area very slowly.

The Basics Run by time, not distance. If you tire, just walk for a while. Recover between days; by week 3, you’ll have better endurance.

5/ Increase Your Speed With a solid base and a plan to become strong and avoid injury, you’re ready for the long haul. Follow these rules of the road.

Build Mileage Slowly An abrupt buildup in distance—say, more than 30 percent over a two-week period—dramatically increases a new runner’s risk of injury, according to a 2014 study in the Journal of Orthopaedic & Sports Physical Therapy. You can stay off the DL by allowing your body sufficient time to adapt: Increase your mileage by no more than 10 percent a week.

Finesse Your Speed Now let’s go fast. Speedwork can help you burn more calories and train you to run fast without having to suck wind. Coogan recommends “strides.” They’re simple: In the middle or at the end of a normal run, just increase your pace to a near sprint for 100 meters; then resume your normal pace. If you do 8 to 10 of these, recovering after each one, every other day for two weeks, you’ll start to see your times improve.

Tackle a Hill Add a weekly hill workout and you’ll quickly become a stronger runner, says Coogan. He recommends finding a gentle hill—at least 150 yards—and running quickly up it. “Try to do it five times the first week; add a couple more every two weeks. When that becomes too easy for you, find a steeper, longer hill.”

Recruit a Friend

60 | July/August 2016

Lauren Lancaster

You’ll be more likely to stick with the sport if you have a running partner. If your buddies hate running, join a club. Many, like the Nike+ Run Club, are free and draw big crowds—and fit women.


“They say the city streets are urban canyons, and that the sprawl is a concrete jungle. So heading out to real wilderness is hardly a challenge.” There’s something reassuring about blazing an unbroken path from the office parking lot to your own patch of verdant forest. Highways turn into twisty back roads; we exchange stop lights for “deer x-ing” signs. Tomorrow morning we’ll be the first of the day to scramble up the deep-pocketed sandstone boulders for a view of the valley below. But tonight we won’t even bother to set up the tent next to the glowing embers of our campfire. Just sleeping bags, a soft breeze, and a sky undarkened by city lights.

Start every adventure at the Jeep® Active Living Guide, the ultimate resource to plan your next getaway and celebrate the freedom to explore, whether you’ll wander off the beaten path or find fun in the downtown scene. You’ll get leading-edge intel on places, groups and trends that connect you to everything you love, and discover destinations from the accessible to the epic. ©2016 FCA US LLC. All Rights Reserved. Jeep is a registered trademark of FCA US LLC.

Today, tomorrow and never saying never.



Best New Exercise Vertical Wall Plank Turn your core routine on its head to build strength from your hips to your shoulders. By Jamie Millar

All exercises, including supereffective ones like the plank, get old after a while. That’s when a variation can help elevate your fitness. “This move is an adaptation of a handstand conditioning exercise,” says L.A. trainer Al Jackson. “Planking with your feet against a wall forces you to maintain maximum core tension—or you quite literally face the consequences.” Going vertical also strengthens your arms, shoulders, and bench-press-ravaged rotator cuffs. Jackson recommends 3 reps, with 90 seconds of rest between each. Do them at the start of your workout so tired arms don’t let you down.

3 Walk On

Walk your feet up and hands farther in; your toes should just touch the wall. For good handstand technique, let your shoulders cover your ears slightly. Hold to 10 again.


Lift Off Assume a plank position but with the soles of your shoes or bare feet pressed against a wall. Tighten your core but breathe normally. Hold this horizontal position for 10 seconds.

What You’ll Gain


Rock-solid core + Stronger arms + Injury-proof shoulders + The confidence to perform a handstand

Step Up

62 | July/August 2016


Go Low Now walk back down, hitting each stage again for 10 seconds. That’s 1 rep. If it’s too hard, start by mastering step one; then work your way up to two and three.

Philip Haynes

Now walk your feet up and your hands in until your body is at a 45-degree angle. Squeeze your glutes, tuck your tailbone, and engage your core. Count to 10 again.

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Zach Bitter, an accomplished endurance athlete, sailed through the initial 35 miles of his first ultramarathon, the 50-mile North Face Endurance Challenge. He was energized and focused. Fifteen more miles—no sweat, he thought. But then came hill after hill, and by mile 40 Bitter was running on fumes and losing focus. He rounded a corner, started one more long, brutal climb. . .and bonked. He cursed himself and the race route as he staggered into one of the last aid stations. Soda and sports drinks propped him up the rest of the way toward a less-than-smooth finish. Bitter competed in more ultras, but they always ended the same way: He’d cruise his first 30 to 40 miles and then inevitably reach a point in the race that left him feeling lightheaded and irritable, and struggling to push forward at an even pace. In search of a solution, he scrutinized every aspect of his training and nutrition plan. He did research and asked questions. Then he made a radical change: He axed a ton of carbs from his diet, slashed his protein intake, and ate a lot more fat. After eight weeks on the plan, Bitter’s training intensified and his recovery times fell. In his next race, he didn’t bonk. Soon after, in 2012, he won four ultramarathons. Then, in 2013, Bitter broke the U.S. 100-mile record with a time of 11:47:21. Two years later he smashed his own record with a 100-mile time of 11:40:55. That’s about 7 minutes per mile—for 100 consecutive miles.


Skinny tires and fatty foods: a winning combination?

Some elite athletes are conquering mile 50 with the same intensity they brought to mile one. Their secret? Foods they were told to avoid. By Brett Israel 64 | July/August 2016

J o e l Ad d a ms/Auro r a P h o to s

The New Endurance Fuel

Bitter’s eating plan—low-carb, high-fat, and moderate protein— is called a ketogenic diet. It’s not for the faint of heart, and even though it goes against years of “carbs are king” endurance dogma, it’s gaining traction with some elite endurance athletes, who say it helps them go harder for longer and feel just as good

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on their 50th mile as they did on their first. How could such a counterintuitive plan possibly work? Like this: With a typical diet, your body converts glucose (a type of sugar) from the carbs you eat into glycogen. That glycogen is stored in your liver and muscles, where it’s a fast fuel for hard exercise. Unfortunately, however, your body can store only enough glycogen for about two hours of intense exercise. If you do only short events, that’s fine. But if you’re a distance junkie—you prefer Ironmans to sprint triathlons—it’s a problem. Once you hit hour two without refueling, your glycogen stores are tapped and your body searches for energy elsewhere. Finding nothing, it crashes. To prevent this, you pound gels, drinks, and energy bars as you run, ride, or swim to keep glycogen stores high. Eating enough carbs to thwart bonking during an endurance event is impractical if not impossible. The ketogenic diet works by replacing carbohydrates with fat as the primary fuel source. When you shun carbs and limit protein,

your body enters a state called ketosis. Eventually it becomes “fat adapted” and resorts to running on fat instead of sugars. That’s ideal for long endurance events where access to food is a limiting factor—including big wall climbing and mountaineering—because once your body is done burning the fat you eat, it starts to burn the fat on your frame. Even if you’re lean, you have enough body fat to fuel nearly any distance race, which is why you won’t bonk. The evidence suggests that the body adapts. In research from Ohio State, elite ultramarathoners and Ironman distance triathletes who consumed very few carbs burned more than twice as much fat during prolonged exercise as high-carb athletes did. “At a very high level, where the smallest edge can mean victory, I’d bet on a ketogenic endurance athlete,” says MH nutrition advisor Mike Roussell, Ph.D. The catch: The diet is demanding. About 80 percent of your calories come from fat, 15 percent from protein, and as little as

When a triathlete limits carbs and protein, the body learns to power itself on fat, not sugar. 5 percent from carbs. If you eat 2,500 calories a day, that’s 220 grams of fat, 90 grams of protein, and 40 grams of carbs. That’s a lot of eggs, butter, avocados, and nuts. And you have to eat like this for weeks. While your body can become fully adapted to burning fat as fuel in four weeks, Roussell advises endurance athletes to follow the diet for eight weeks or longer before competing. According to Roussell, no credible science opposes the diet from a health perspective. However, not everyone’s biochemistry is suited for ketosis. When you’re first forcing your body into ketosis, you might come down with “keto flu,” with symptoms that include fatigue, brain fog, and possibly irritability. And if

you follow the diet haphazardly, you may become deficient in certain nutrients. Unless you’re chasing epic distance, this may be more trouble than it’s worth, and some scientists are still skeptical. “I haven’t yet seen evidence that the ketogenic diet provides a superior approach,” says Louise Burke, Ph.D., of the Australian Sports Commission. But some athletes swear by it. “I believe a ketogenic diet has allowed me to train harder,” Bitter says. Since he started using the keto diet, he says he hasn’t had that “emotional roller coaster” feeling where his body feels like it’s shutting down on him. For endurance athletes, that’s the difference between bonking and breaking the tape. 쐍

A Day of Eating on the Endurance Diet Most meals include a moderate serving of protein (with extra oil or butter) plus a fiber-rich vegetable like spinach or asparagus. For snacks, go with full-fat dairy and nuts. BREAKFAST

4 eggs, ½ avocado, 1 to 2 Tbsp olive oil

Baked salmon with 1 Tbsp olive oil; asparagus with 1 to 2 Tbsp butter DINNER

80 percent lean ground beef burger (no bun) topped with ¼ cup kimchi; spinach sautéed with 2 Tbsp sesame oil SNACK

2 oz macadamia nuts and ½ cup raspberries

66 | July/August 2016

Compared with other diets, a ketogenic plan may help you lose more fat faster, clinical trials suggest. This may be especially true for people with prediabetes or diabetes.

It Helps Fight Cancer In a preliminary study in the journal Nutrition, the ketogenic diet seemed to slow the growth of certain cancers in patients with the highest levels of ketosis.

It Improves Your Memory Older people at risk for Alzheimer’s showed memory improvements after eating keto for six weeks, a study in Neurobiology of Aging found.

Photograph by LE V I B ROW N , food st yling: Rebecca Jurkevich/Edge Reps


It Enhances Weight Loss

© 2016 Kraft Foods

Food+Nutrition 5 EASY, TASTY SUMMER SALADS Fresh vegetables are finally here. Pile up the produce—and dig in. Don’t bite on restaurant salads. They’re simply stash houses for calories and sugar. Take the aptly named Quesadilla Explosion Salad at Chili’s. With honey-lime dressing, this silage pile has 1,700 calories and 32 grams of sugar. We can’t fix the Chili’s concoction, but we can help you fix a really good salad at home. These options are more filling, offer tons of nutrients, and definitely won’t blow up your gut. `

Pack the perfect salad to go—turn the page for the recipe.


July/August 2016 | 69

Food + Nutrition

Hearty Spicy Broccoli Slaw Even if you hate broccoli, you’re going to gorge on this coleslaw. The vinegar zip, oregano hit, and red-pepper heat are inspired by curtido, a slaw from El Salvador. What You’ll Need 12 oz package broccoli slaw ⅓ cup diced red onion ⅓ cup cider vinegar ½ tsp dried oregano ½ tsp sugar ¼ tsp red-pepper flakes, or more to taste How to Make It

In a large bowl, combine the broccoli slaw and onion. In a small bowl, whisk the remaining ingredients with 3 Tbsp water. Pour this over the vegetables, toss, and season with salt to taste. Cover and refrigerate for at least 2 hours and preferably a day before serving. Keeps refrigerated for 1 week. Makes 6 servings Per serving 27 calories, 1g protein, 6g carbs (1g fiber), 0g fat

Quick Tip This slaw is perfect alongside grilled pork chops, chicken thighs, or beef burgers. The vinegar cuts through the meat’s richness. 70 | July/August 2016

Grilled Fruit Salad

Asian Chicken Salad

On the grill, fresh fruit caramelizes and halloumi cheese turns smoky.

Sorry, Grandpa. Waldorf chicken salad is nasty. Who likes to eat grapes and walnuts mixed with mayonnaise? Try this crunchy, meaty, mayo-free mix. You can eat it tucked into a pita, piled atop romaine, or straight off a spoon.

What You’ll Need 2 Tbsp sugar 2 Tbsp tequila, preferably reposado 1 lime, zested and juiced 1 plum, halved and pitted 1 peach, halved and pitted 1 watermelon wedge (1" thick) 4 pineapple rings (½" thick) 4 strawberries, trimmed 8 oz halloumi cheese, cut into ¾"-thick slabs 1 cup baby arugula ⅓ cup fresh mint leaves ¼ cup roasted, salted pistachios How to Make It

1. In a large bowl, mix the sugar, tequila, lime zest, and lime juice. 2. Preheat a grill to medium high. Brush the grill grate and fruit with canola oil. Grill the fruit and halloumi till marked, 2 to 5 minutes on each side. Cut them into chunks. 3. Add the fruit, halloumi, arugula, and mint to the bowl and toss. Add the pistachios. Makes 4 servings Per serving 361 calories, 16g protein, 32g carbs (4g fiber), 19g fat

No halloumi cheese? Use 4 oz crumbled feta. (Don’t grill it.)

What You’ll Need 1 Tbsp extra-virgin olive oil 1 tsp rice vinegar ¼ tsp toasted sesame oil 1 cup shredded chicken 1 cup shredded napa cabbage ¼ cup sugar snap peas, thinly sliced ¼ cup grated carrot 2 scallions, thinly sliced Black sesame seeds and chow mein noodles, for garnish How to Make It

In a large bowl, whisk the olive oil, rice vinegar, and sesame oil, and season with salt and pepper. Stir in the chicken, cabbage, peas, carrot, and scallions. Top with sesame seeds and chow mein noodles and serve. Makes 1 serving Per serving 410 calories, 46g protein, 4g carbs (3g fiber), 20g fat

Cobb to Go A lettuce-based lunch isn’t hard to make or boring to eat. This method piles the traditional Cobb salad ingredients—egg, bacon, avocado, and dressing—into a giant mason jar for easy traveling. When lunchtime rolls around, just shake it all up, dump everything onto a plate, and have at it. The method works well with pretty much any other salad too. What You’ll Need 1 Tbsp red wine vinegar 1 garlic clove, minced 1 tsp Dijon mustard 1 Tbsp extra-virgin olive oil ¼ cup chickpeas 2 radishes, thinly sliced 6 grape tomatoes, halved 1 hard-boiled egg, chopped ¼ avocado, peeled and cubed 2 cups mixed greens 2 Tbsp crumbled blue cheese 2 slices cooked bacon, crumbled How to Make It

In a 32-ounce wide-mouth mason jar, shake together the vinegar, garlic, mustard, and olive oil; season to taste with salt and pepper. Layer salad ingredients in the jar on top of the dressing in this order: chickpeas, radishes, tomatoes, egg, avocado, greens, blue cheese, and bacon. This salad will keep in the fridge for up to 24 hours. Makes 1 serving Per serving 646 calories, 31g protein, 25g carbs (9g fiber), 48g fat

Quick Tip If you don’t have a mason jar, use a 32-ounce spaghetti sauce jar instead. (Just wash it out well first.)

Food + Nutrition

Fill-You-Up Six-Bean Salad Yes, six types of beans. That’s probably six more types of beans than you currently eat. But you should be eating way more. In fact, about ¾ cup of beans a day can help you lose weight, feel full, and improve your cholesterol profile, according to a 2016 study review. That’s worth tooting about. What You’ll Need 1 shallot, thinly sliced 3 Tbsp white wine vinegar 4 oz each green beans and yellow wax beans, cut into thirds 1 cup frozen shelled edamame 1 can (15 oz) each pinto beans, kidney beans, and black-eyed peas, rinsed and drained 1 tsp ground mustard ⅓ cup extra-virgin olive oil ¼ cup mixed chopped herbs (chives, parsley, thyme) How to Make It

1. In a small bowl, combine the shallot slices and vinegar. Set aside. 2. Set a steamer basket in a pot with an inch of simmering water. Add the fresh beans and edamame; cover. Steam till the beans are crisp-tender and brightly colored, 3 minutes. Cool in a bowl of ice water; drain. 3. In a large bowl, toss the drained beans with the rest of the beans. Strain the shallot slices, saving the vinegar, and add them to the beans. 4. Mix the mustard and vinegar. Add the oil and whisk really well. Add the herbs, salt, and pepper. Pour this on the salad; toss. Makes 8 servings Per serving 202 calories, 7g protein, 21g carbohydrates (6g fiber), 11g fat

This salad goes great with a grilled rib eye.

The Make-Ahead Salad Multiplier There’s more to lunch than tuna salad. If you leverage the same strategy—choose a protein, add extras—you can build a lean, satisfying meal that’ll carry you through to dinner. Mix and match the ingredients in these columns to fend off flavor fatigue. 72 | July/August 2016

Quick Tip If you don’t own a steamer basket, overturn a metal colander, put it in a pot, and rest a bowl on top. Now you own one!































Food + Nutrition

Menu Decoder: Red Lobster

If you’re not careful at America’s most popular seafood joint, you’ll go overboard. Nutritious options are plentiful—you just have to know where to look. By Julie Stewart

Your Top 3 Smartest Orders

These options provide lots of protein and fiber without an excessive calorie load, says Wendie Schneider, R.D.


Salmon with Steamed Broccoli and Wild Rice Pilaf 840 calories, 74g protein, 40g carbs (6g fiber), 42g fat


Steamed Rock Lobster Tail with Steamed Broccoli 740 calories, 48g protein, 43g carbs (6g fiber), 42g fat

Avoid False Starts

Watch the Drinks

Load Up on Protein

Ditch Dessert

“Hand-dipped” and “house-made” are meant to convey freshness, says Sybil Yang, Ph.D., a consumer behavior researcher. But such creative phrases don’t guarantee that the shrimp wasn’t shipped precooked and frozen. As for lobster, it’s all wildcaught (and glutenfree, for that matter), so that’s not a selling point either.

That Cheddar Bay biscuit has only 160 calories, but look again: It also harbors 2½ grams of cholesterol-spiking trans fat. Skip the calamari and seafood dip appetizers too. They exceed 1,000 calories and 80 grams of carbs per plate. Instead, order the Signature Shrimp Cocktail (130 calories, 11 grams of carbs).

Nearly half the cocktails here pack 30-plus grams of sugar—same as a bag of milk chocolate M&Ms. If you’re drinking, skip the Alotta Colada (98 grams of sugar) and Raspberry Lobsterita (70 grams). But the Bloody Mary has just 110 calories and 2 grams of sugar, and an antioxidant bonus: lycopene in the tomato juice.

Every option listed under “Today’s Fresh Fish” provides at least 30 grams of protein and comes with steamed broccoli. Head there first, and then build out your meal with fibrous carbs like asparagus, mashed potatoes, or green beans. If you want extra protein, add a side of lobster tail for 390 calories and 14 grams of protein.

Order the Chocolate Wave and you’ll swell your meal with an extra 1,100 calories, 133 grams of carbs, and 93 grams of sugar. No dessert has less than 36 grams of sugar— except the Surf’s Up Sundae on the kids’ menu, which has 170 calories and 14 grams of sugar. Are you man enough to order off the kiddie menu?

74 | July/August 2016


Rainbow Trout with Steamed Broccoli and Mashed Potatoes 760 calories, 78g protein, 40g carbs (9g fiber), 32g fat


I l l u s t r a t i o n s b y S A R A Z I N (s a l m o n , l o b s t e r, t r o u t)

Ignore Adjectives

Every bite colorful. Every bite clean. Every salad is clean. No artificial preservatives, sweeteners, flavors or colors from artificial sources.


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Cook Once, Eat for a Week Garlicky Pulled Pork Slow-cook a hunk of meat to tender perfection; then either pack up portioned lunches (see right) or turn the leftovers into easy meals (below). By Paul Kita and the Rodale Test Kitchen Shop It

Stuff You’ll Need

Let’s talk butts. Specifically, the pork butt, which may also go by “shoulder butt” or “Boston butt,” depending on where you live. A whole pork shoulder is a huge cut that runs from the shoulder to the front hoof. The butt isn’t the pig’s rear end (surprise!) but the top of each shoulder. Since these are hardworking muscles, the meat is tough. So unless you want a jaw workout, don’t eat seared steaks cut from the butt (uh, shoulder). Slow cooking is the best way to break down those muscle fibers.

Remix It!

4 1 ¼ 2 2 2 6 2 2 1

lb boneless, skinless pork butt small white onion, thinly sliced cup orange juice Tbsp olive oil Tbsp lemon juice Tbsp lime juice medium garlic cloves, minced tsp kosher salt tsp dried oregano tsp freshly ground pepper

Per 1-cup serving 506 calories, 60g protein, 4g carbs (1g fiber), 26g fat

Make It Using a paring knife, poke holes all over the pork. In a 6-quart slow cooker, add the onion and then the pork. In a medium bowl, mix the rest of the ingredients and pour the sauce over the meat, massaging it into the holes. Put the lid on and leave the cooker on low for 8 hours while you’re at work, or on high for 4 hours if you want it done for Sunday dinner. (If it’s on high, turn the meat every hour or two until it’s tender and a thermometer inserted into the thickest part reads at least 145°F.) Using forks, shred the meat; toss it with the sauce. Serve, or let it cool for an hour and then store it in the fridge. Makes 6 servings

Fight flavor fatigue with these four easy ways to reinvent your leftover shredded pork.

1 Pork Fried Rice

Per serving 712 calories, 44g protein, 57g carbs (8g fiber), 34g fat 76 | July/August 2016

What You’ll Need 1 Tbsp canola oil 1 cup sliced shiitake mushrooms ½ cup chopped asparagus 2 scallions, sliced, whites and greens separated ¼ red bell pepper, diced 1 tsp grated ginger 1 cup leftover white rice ½ cup shredded pork Soy sauce 1 large egg, lightly beaten

Carnitas Burrito Bowl Heat a small, oiled nonstick skillet on medium. Add the pork and cook until it’s crisped in places, about 3 minutes. In a blender or food processor, puree the avocado, sour cream, and lime juice, adding water a tablespoon at a time until the dressing is the right consistency for drizzling. Season with salt and pepper. Add the greens to a bowl and top with the rice, beans, tomato, onion, and pork. Finish with a drizzle of the avocado dressing. Makes 1 serving Per serving 646 calories, 32g protein, 57g carbs (13g fiber), 33g fat

What You’ll Need ½ cup shredded pork, chopped ¼ avocado 2 Tbsp sour cream 1 Tbsp lime juice 2 cups mixed greens ½ cup cooked brown rice ½ cup canned black beans, rinsed 1 plum tomato, chopped ½ small red onion, thinly sliced


Food st yling: Victoria Granof/Cornelia Adams

In a large nonstick pan on medium high, heat a bit of the oil. Add the shiitakes and asparagus; sizzle till just tender, about 2 minutes. Add the scallion whites, bell pepper, and ginger and cook until fragrant, about 30 seconds. Add the rice and pork; stir till heated through. Stir in soy sauce to taste; push everything to the sides of the pan. Add the rest of the oil and the egg, stirring until the egg firms up, 1 minute. Remove from heat; stir in scallion greens. Makes 1 serving


Store the meat with the juice so it won’t dry out when you nuke it. These side dishes will round out your lunch. Combo 1 Simmered collards + roasted sweet potato Combo 2 Baked beans + shredded coleslaw

Combo 3 Tomato cucumber salad + corn bread


3 Hawaiian Flatbread Pizza Preheat your oven or toaster oven to 400°F. Brush the flatbread with the olive oil and bake until it begins to crisp, 3 to 5 minutes. Remove the flatbread from the oven and add the sauce, cheese, pork, pineapple, and bacon. Then return it to the oven and bake until the cheese is bubbly and the pork is warmed through, about 5 minutes. Top with cilantro leaves, if you want. Makes 1 serving Per serving 518 calories, 34g protein, 31g carbs (2g fiber), 28g fat

What You’ll Need 1 flatbread 1 tsp olive oil 2 Tbsp pizza sauce ¼ cup shredded mozzarella cheese ¼ cup shredded pork ¼ cup diced pineapple 2 slices cooked bacon, crumbled Cilantro (optional)

Shredded Pork Sweet Potato Hash Heat the broiler on high and set a rack 6 inches from the heat. In a 10-inch cast-iron skillet on medium, heat the oil and sauté the onion and pepper until soft,1 to 2 minutes. Stir in the potato, add salt and pepper, and cook till browned,10 to 15 minutes. Add the pork; make two indents in the hash, crack an egg into each, and sprinkle on cheese. Broil until the eggs set and the cheese is bubbling, 5 minutes. Serve topped with chives and hot sauce to taste. Makes 2 servings Per serving 622 calories, 46g protein, 32g carbs (5g fiber), 34g fat

What You’ll Need 1 Tbsp olive oil 1 small onion, minced 1 poblano pepper, seeded and minced 1 medium sweet potato, grated (using the grater’s larger holes) 1 cup shredded pork 2 large eggs ½ cup shredded smoked cheddar cheese Chopped chives Hot sauce

July/August 2016 | 77

STAY COOL, LOOK COOLER These lightweight fabrics will keep you comfortable. By Dan Michel When the weather turn warm, you get to chill—with one caveat. “Since you’re wearing less clothing, each piece of your outfit needs to make a bigger impression,” says Dan Rookwood, the U.S. editor for the online men’s retailer Mr. Porter. It’s natural for people to pay more attention to what you’re wearing on top—it’s where the eye is drawn first. But don’t be afraid to go bold with shorts and pants too. Turn the page for our top picks for your bottom half. `

Style+ Grooming

Lands’ End, $39 P H O T O G R A P H S B Y T R AV I S R AT H B O N E

July/August 2016 | 79


Stand out (ironically) with camo shorts and a solid T-shirt.

ABOVE, FROM LEFT Dockers, $58 Patagonia, $59 Aether Apparel, $120 BELOW, FROM TOP Saxx Underwear, $30 2UNDR, $35 Mack Weldon, $24


Streamlined Shorts

80 | July/August 2016


Amphibious Underwear Your trusty cotton undies absorb moisture and bacteria from sweat, which can result in soggy drawers and nasty rashes. Instead, look for versions made from performance materials, and feel free to wear them under your swim

trunks if you need extra support. “That’s one reason you see a lot of butt cracks at the beach,” says Michael Isaacman, cofounder of the basics brand Mack Weldon. “Lightweight, low-profile underwear will be the most effective—it will breathe, stretch, and dry in minutes.” Look for tagless pairs that feature sealed construction; they’re less likely to chafe when you’re wet. Brands like Saxx, 2Under, and Mack Weldon are ahead of the pack.

St yling: Sharon Ryan/Halley Resources

Looking casual is one thing, but the go-to summer option for many guys—extra-baggy shorts with wrinkled pockets—just makes them look sloppy. Instead, try to find a pair of slimmer shorts in a lightweight material. They’ll fit better and will always look sharp whether you’re hiking trails or running Sunday errands. We’re big fans of performance brands such as Patagonia, Arc’teryx, and Aether. Fit is key: You want

to strike a balance somewhere between relaxed and slim, says Aether cofounder Jonah Smith. A gently tapered leg will look sleek and modern, but don’t go too tight—the lack of breathability can cause sweat to build up fast when you’re out in the heat. Look for a classic cut with no flaps or extra pockets. A dark or neutral color that’s free of showy logos will be the easiest to dress up with a crisp polo or a soft hoodie at night. Finally, check for highquality technical elements, such as taped seams, concealed fasteners, zippers, and stretch fabrics that are resistant to wind and water, says Rookwood. Those are pretty good indications that the garment was designed to last.


Lightweight Pants Avoid summer swamp crotch by trading heavy jeans for lightweight twills or cotton pants to let your legs breathe. Cool hues, like light blue and cream, are seasonally appropriate. If you’re reluctant to embrace pale colors, try navy instead. “It goes with any skin tone and is less severe than black,” says Nelson Mui, men’s fashion director at Lord & Taylor. Mui also recommends khaki shades, which can work with everything from pastels to black and navy. Just remember to keep the fit relaxed. “When the weather is hot, you want roomy pants that can easily move with you,” he says. But if you’re dead set on denim, newer versions of lightweight jeans (ask for 12 ounces or lighter) will keep you comfortable. “Also keep an eye out for keywords like Supima cotton, tencel, modal, and elastane,” says Mui. These fabrics let your legs move freely and your boys breathe when you need it most. Light washes are better for summer, says Mui. Try a pale green or light-blue stone wash.



ABOVE, FROM LEFT Levi’s, $79 7 for All Mankind, $168 Paige, $179 82 | July/August 2016

These casual mesh slip-ons won’t leave your feet soggy or drain your bank account. Wear them to the beach or a poolside lunch—the rubber soles will work just as well on the boardwalk as they will on the sand. And remember: Apply sunscreen liberally so your feet don’t end up with a nicely patterned sunburn. Rivieras, $75

Style + Grooming




Vilebrequin, $295

Orlebar Brown, $240

Everest Isles, $235

Mr Turk, $178

Mocha Salt, $175

Kit and Ace, $148

Solid & Striped, $145


Pangea, $98 North Sails, $90

J.Crew, $75

Ted Baker, $75

Original Penguin, $69


Gap, $45 H&M, $18

Tommy Hilfiger, $69

Jack Threads, $44

When shopping for swim trunks, obey the same rules you would for shorts: Look for a pair thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s proportional to your body. In other words, the shorter you are, the shorter the trunks should beâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;and nothing should hit below the knee. You might have noticed a trend toward short shorts; ignore it, says Rookwood. They make skinny guys look like beanpoles and draw unwanted attention to heavier men, as do bright colors and big patterns. Looking to hide a few pounds? Stick to darker hues and smaller prints for a slimming effect. If you want to stand out in a good way, rely on a bold design and bright pops of color to make a statement. Use the matrix above to pick the best pair for your size and sense of style.

Go Sockless in Style Actually, you can cheat. Exposed fabric will blow the bareankled look. Pick no-show socks from brands like Bombas and Richer Poorer. Give your pants a lift. Wear a pair that ends at your ankles or cuff them twice for the same effect. Make a powder play. A light dusting of body powder will keep feet dry if you go freestyle.

P h o t o g r a p h s b y M AT T R A I N E Y, i l l u s t r a t i o n b y K A G A N M c L E O D


84 | July/August 2016

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Style 911 Finding His Strong Suit With his wedding day approaching, Joey Coppedge needed a new look, fast. So we took him shopping. By Brian Boyé, executive fashion and grooming director

His Problem

Unexpected patterns are great for special occasions that call for a memorable look.

Joey Coppedge didn’t need to write “drop 10 pounds” on his wedding to-do list. As a SoulCycle instructor in New York City, Joey, 29, works out for a living, so he’s in peak physical condition. But after he proposed to his partner, Lucio, he agonized about what to wear at his nuptials. For two years he’d worn gym clothes to work every day. “My biggest worry was how to show that my personality and style had matured,” he said. But he also wanted to keep his look fresh.

My Plan First I got the details of Joey’s August wedding. The venue for the evening event would be an urban rooftop, so the usual rules for a formal indoor affair didn’t apply. His style was “classic with flair.” He said he loved getting dressed up but didn’t have much opportunity to do it. We decided to go classic but with a twist to show his individual style. He wasn’t afraid of color and liked the flashy style of Jon Batiste, the musical director on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. I quickly devised a plan.

Our Shopping

See video of Joey’s look on MensHealth. com/style, and share your style emergency on Instagram or Twitter @BrianBoye. Paul Smith suit, $1,390; Vardama shirt, $175; The Tie Bar tie, $19; Cole Haan shoes, $330 86 | July/August 2016


Grooming: Katie Pellegrino/Celestine Agency; icons by M I C H A EL B R A N D ON M Y ERS


At the Bloomingdale’s flagship store in Manhattan, I showed Joey a few suits I’d selected. I saved the best for last, and he bit: A classic blue suit—but with polka dots. I added a textured covered-placket shirt and a satin bow tie to honor the special occasion. Because he’s in such great shape, we had a tailor make the pants slimmer and take in the body of the jacket so it hugged his torso. The fun aspect of the polka dots made adapting his outfit for the afterparty easy; the suit paired perfectly with a cool white T-shirt and sneakers. A week later, with the alterations complete, Joey surveyed himself in a full-length mirror. “I’m getting married,” he said, “and I feel like a man in this.”

Style + Grooming

Shore UpYour Beach Look



Elbows, Knees



Threat Humidity. When the weather goes from hot to uncomfortably muggy, your face can look as if you’ve been blotting it with a slice of Papa John’s pepperoni. To take care of excessive shine, turn to an oil-free moisturizer that contains sunscreen. One application will solve three different problems: It provides UV protection, hydrates your skin, and helps absorb that extra oil. Use Cetaphil DermaControl Oil Control Moisturizer SPF 30, $13,

Threat Neglect. To prevent the development of ingrown toenails, trim your nails straight across— never at an angle. Then tend to the thick skin on your heels and soles: After a shower, gently rub yellowed calluses with a pumice stone. Dr. Zeichner recommends following up with a heavy-hitting exfoliator containing salicylic acid, which helps break apart the cellular bonds between dead cells. Use CeraVe Renewing SA Lotion, $11,

Threat Dryness. Don’t get rough with the rough spots. A gentle touch is best for scaly knees and elbows. First, take a shower—a cool or lukewarm one, since hot water dries skin out. Then apply a cream containing urea to the whitest, ashiest areas, suggests dermatologist Shari Lipner, M.D., of Weill Cornell Medicine. These creams are highly effective at removing dead skin, and they also hydrate. Use Excipial 20% Urea Intensive Healing Cream, $15,

Threat Excessive sweat. Think outside the stick: Antiperspirant doesn’t have to be for your armpits only, Dr. Zeichner says. You can wipe your chest and back with a handy antiperspirant towelette to prevent a Rorschach blot from bleeding though your favorite shirt. It’s a convenient, mess-free strategy for covering a large surface area. You’re now cleared for bear hugs. Use SweatBlock Clinical Strength Antiperspirant, $19,

Threat Pool chlorine or ocean salt. Your hair could end up damaged no matter where you choose to dunk your head, so before diving into the water, apply a dime-size amount of conditioner or lightweight hair oil to protect your mane from damage. “Hair is porous, so the conditioner or oil will help prevent it from soaking up salt and chlorine,” says Amy Komorowski, a hairstylist based in New York City. Use Verb Ghost Oil, $14,

88 | July/August 2016


P h o t o g r a p h s b y M AT T R A I N E Y

Follow these easy grooming tips before you set foot on the sand. By Sandra Nygaard

More planks, less pasta: That’s how most men prepare for beach season. But even if your body is jacked, you still need to pay attention to your skin. “Hot weather means more sweat and oil, which can lead to acne breakouts,” says Joshua Zeichner, M.D., a dermatologist based in New York City. “Salty ocean water, meanwhile, could leave your hair dried out and lifeless.” Other grooming gaffes—like rough elbows and unsightly toenails—won’t earn the attention of the bikini crowd either. Consult our checklist so your hard work doesn’t go out with the tide.










Check back soon for the Quarterfinalists! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. Void where prohibited. Contest runs 3/8/16-06/21/16. Must be a fit male, 18 years of age or older and legal resident of 49 US or DC (excludes AZ & PR) or Canada (excludes Province of Quebec). Winner selected based on 35% Physically Fit, 25% Live a Healthy Lifestyle, 20% Give back to Family/Friends/Community/Society, 10% Professional Success, 10% Reader’s Choice. For the Official Rules, Sponsor: Rodale Inc., 400 S. 10th Street, Emmaus, PA 18098-0099. Advertising Sponsor: Isopure Company, LLC.



Don’t settle for a Band-Aid. Ask for the newest fix.

THE LATEST TREATMENTS 8 state-of-the-art procedures that will help you heal faster and live better. By Melissa Romero You wouldn’t fix a hole in your drywall by burning down the house. But doctors do the equivalent every day, like treating prostate cancer by nuking your ass and resolving knee pain with power saws and metal pins. It doesn’t have to be this way. The pace of medical innovation is astonishing, often outpacing the capacity of doctors to keep up. But we’ve got you covered. If you’re dealing with any of the conditions described on the next three pages, good news: There’s a better way. `


July/August 2016 | 91


Torn ACL The Latest Treatment Bridge-enhanced ACL repair (BEAR) How It Works About 8 percent of men in their 20s and 30s have knee pain, and that percentage jumps to 23 in guys 65 and older. But men who tear their ACL—the anterior cruciate ligament— are especially vulnerable. The odds of retears and osteoarthritis in the knee are high after reconstructive surgery, meaning those men are at risk for a lifetime of pain. That’s why orthopedic doctors are excited by the less invasive BEAR procedure, says Martha Murray, M.D., an associate professor in orthopedic surgery at Harvard Medical School. The key is a blood-soaked sponge that surgeons place between the two ends of a torn ligament. Dr. Murray’s small study found that by three months after patients underwent the BEAR procedure, the torn ends of the ligament had grown into the spongy bridge and reconnected; the sponge that served as scaffolding ultimately dissolved. The results are more promising than those of typical ACL reconstructive surgery, says Dr. Murray. “ACL surgery in young, active people requires taking a graft from elsewhere in the leg,” she says. “So the healing needs to happen in two places—the ACL and the area the graft was taken from. With the BEAR procedure, patients don’t have a second-site recovery to go through.” That potentially means a faster rebound; ACL surgery can rob six to nine months from your active lifestyle. In fact, preliminary BEAR research suggests that the risk of osteoarthritis— and having that knee replacement down the road—may decline. Where to Get It The researchers plan to conduct a second, larger trial this year. Visit for information on how to enroll. Cost Because it’s a simpler operation, Dr. Murray says, it may be cheaper than ACL reconstruction, which can cost $11,500 and up.

92 | July/August 2016

Depression The Latest Treatment Neurofeedback

How It Works Depression, the common cold of mental illness, is highly treatable. The challenge is finding the right approach. “For so long, depression treatments have been a shot in the dark,” says Kymberly Young, Ph.D., an assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine. Current meds and therapies, Young says, miss what really needs to be treated: the brain. That’s why she’s betting on neurofeedback, a treatment that trains the brain to recall happy memories. But it’s not simply about thinking happy thoughts, says Young. “The patients need to learn to use those positive memories to actually engage the right brain region.” As patients lie inside an fMRI scanner, they’re told to think about positive experiences. The amygdala activity is monitored on a screen showing a red bar (activation level) and a blue bar (target activation level). After a few sessions, they develop a sense of control over their emotions. “Later, in the real world, they can use what they learned to feel better,” Young says. Young has conducted the first neurofeedback clinical trial on 40 people with depression. One-third of them went into remission after two weeks of treatment, and two-thirds improved significantly. That’s comparable to antidepressant treatment—without the side effects of drugs. Where to Get It A clinical trial at the University of Pittsburgh is currently recruiting participants. Visit and search for study NCT02709161. Cost $1,000 a week. It’s not currently covered by insurance.

Type 2 Diabetes The Latest Treatment ITCA 650 implant How It Works For those who need it, missing a dose of insulin can lead to a life-threatening diabetic coma. “The big problem with type 2 diabetes is the demand on the patient, who’s often required to take multiple medications,” says David Kerr, M.D., of William Sansum Diabetes Center in California. That’s why devices like the ITCA 650 implant are being hailed as the game-changing future of type 2 diabetes treatment. Here’s how they work: Once or twice a year, doctors insert a matchstick-size pump beneath the patient’s skin in a simple procedure. The pump then delivers a steady supply of exenatide, a medication that stimulates insulin production in the pancreas. In one clinical study, people with poorly controlled glucose who received the ITCA 650 implant in conjunction with diet and exercise changes were able to reduce their blood sugar levels more effectively than with oral therapies. Also, people who had the implant lost nearly twice as much weight as those in a placebo group. Study team member Robert Henry, M.D., says that what makes the implant so promising is it eliminates missed doses of medication and the hassle of daily injections. Even if the patient is on multiple meds, that’s still one less medication he or she has to worry about. Where to Get It Researchers have completed the clinical trials phase and anticipate that the device will be commercially available by 2017. Cost When the ITCA 650 does come on the market, it’s expected to be “favorably” priced, according to Dr. Henry. I L L U S T R AT I O N S B Y T O D D D E T W I L E R


Prostate Cancer The Latest Treatment Proton beam therapy How It Works It almost sounds like something from the future: Doctors use a rocketlike cylinder called a cyclotron to blast hydrogen protons at twothirds the speed of light directly at a malignant tumor, destroying cancer cells and preventing them from multiplying. Proton beam therapy replaces the customary scattershot dose of radiation with a more targeted treatment. The beam matches the exact shape of the tumor to deliver the most effective dose of radiation precisely where it’s needed. “Proton beams are engineered so you get less collateral damage,” says Alan Wein, M.D., Ph.D., chief of urology at Penn Medicine. “What everyone’s banking on is a greater cure rate and less complications than with standard radiation.”

Bad Knee A study in the International Journal of Radiation Oncology found that five-year overall survival rates exceeded 90 percent for low, intermediate, and highrisk patients who underwent proton beam therapy. This success rate is similar to that of radiation therapy but without damage to healthy tissue. Although proton beam therapy has only been around for a few years, Dr. Wein says it’s the most talked-about treatment available for various cancer types, including prostate cancer. “Everybody mentions proton beam therapy these days,” he says. “Even if a center doesn’t offer it, you’re obligated to mention it to patients as an option.” Where to Get It There are 36 U.S. proton therapy centers; more than a dozen are under construction. To find one, visit Cost $30,000 to $40,000

94 | July/August 2016

ONE SHOT FOR HYPERTENSION Could high blood pressure be wiped out with a single shot? In a recent study, Men’s Health cardiology advisor Prediman Shah, M.D., a professor of medicine at Cedars Sinai and UCLA, tested a vaccine made with antigens from LDL cholesterol particles, which provoke the body’s immune response. When it was injected into mice with heart disease, Dr. Shah noticed a significant reduction in both artery-clogging plaque and high blood pressure in every one. The vaccine may work by suppressing an autoimmune response and reducing arterial inflammation. Next up: testing the vaccine in humans. SAFER FACE TRANSPLANTS Since 2005, more than 20 people worldwide have received full or partial face transplants after suffering facial trauma or disfigurement. While the transplants have been successful, a potential struggle with a weakened immune system remains a big

were able to forgo knee replacement altogether. “It was a 3- to 4-point reduction on the pain scale—and that’s very significant,” says Steven Cohen, M.D., a sports medicine surgeon at the Rothman Institute in Philadelphia, who performed the first subchondroplasty procedure in 2007. Among the small percentage of patients who still need surgery, there’s a payoff: About 80 percent of knee replacements fail at 20 years. By waiting to have surgery, you lower the odds of needing to have it redone. “Slowing down the degradation by healing the bone may also slow the process of needing a knee replacement,” says Dr. Cohen. “That’s a big deal.” Where to Get It Find a qualified surgeon at subchondroplasty. com/find-a-physician.html. Cost About $3,000 to $5,000, typically covered by insurance

recovery risk. That’s why Johns Hopkins University researchers have developed a procedure called immune modulation, which involves injecting the patient with the donor’s bone marrow prior to the face transplant. The idea is that the bone marrow will encourage the patient’s immune system to accept the new face after the surgery. A BRAIN CHIP FOR PARALYSIS A tiny silicon chip may help paralyzed patients move again. An Ohio man who lost all sensation in and control of his limbs after a diving accident recently gained control of one hand using neuroengineering. Doctors first inserted a chip into his brain. Then, while the man was hooked up to a special device, the chip helped send out a signal to instruct his limbs to move while bypassing the spinal cord injury. The researchers’ hope is that paralyzed patients could eventually become more independently mobile without the need for the machine.

C u l t u r a R M /A l a m y ( p e t r i d i s h)

Cures of the Future These treatments aren’t quite ready for prime time, but they show plenty of potential.

The Latest Treatment Subchondroplasty How It Works Your knee pain may be from osteoarthritis, and the typical fix is replacement. But bone marrow edemas—areas of damaged bone that often accompany osteoarthritis—can worsen symptoms, leading to premature surgery. A man with these edemas is three to five times as likely to have a knee replacement as one without any. Subchondroplasty can save you from getting a new knee before you need it. The minimally invasive procedure takes 30 to 45 minutes and involves injecting calcium phosphate directly into the damaged bone, stimulating healing and reducing pain. In fact, a recent study in the Journal of Knee Surgery found that 87 percent of patients who had a subchondroplasty reported significantly less pain two years later. And 70 percent of them


Vision Loss The Latest Treatment Off-label statins

How It Works Sometimes a drug turns out to have collateral benefits, and that seems to be the case with statins. These cholesterol-lowering meds may also combat certain forms of age-related macular degeneration (AMD), the most common cause of blindness. Statins work by reducing or preventing fatty lipid buildup in blood vessels. But in addition to keeping your arteries clear, it gets rid of the sludge in your eyes. In a Harvard study, 10 out of 23 patients experienced improvements in vision and elimination of fatty deposits under the retina, a hallmark of AMD. Joan Miller, M.D., chair of ophthalmology at Harvard Medical School, says the results suggest that high doses of statins might halt AMD and even reverse some damage. An 80-milligram dose is considered high for the average statin prescription, but it is used for some forms of heart disease. The belief is this drug could help leach out these deposits, and “therefore earn the patients a few more decades of being able to see,” Dr. Miller says. The meds are FDA-approved to treat high cholesterol only. But a larger trial is under way to find out if the preliminary findings can be reproduced. “For a long time, we didn’t have much in the way of treatment for AMD. So you couldn’t do anything for your patients with this condition,” says Dr. Miller. “Now we’re hopeful that this treatment could provide much better outcomes.” Where to Get It Dr. Miller’s team is recruiting patients for a second clinical trial. Contact ophthalmologyclinicalresearch@ for details. Cost Up to $60 a month 98 | July/August 2016

Migraines The Latest Treatment Calcitonin gene-related peptide (CGRP) monoclonal antibodies How It Works While current meds can help stop the headache once it starts, preventing the onset of migraines has always been the objective of research. That goal is closer with the development of anti-CGRP monoclonal antibodies. CGRP is a chemical produced by your body that prompts blood vessels to widen and causes inflammation. It tends to increase during migraine episodes. The antibodies work by clamping down on CGRP, which in turn cuts down on migraines. In a recent phase-two clinical trial of the CGRP antibody drug, AMG 334, 62 percent of people who received a monthly injection saw their monthly migraine days diminish by at least half. Additionally, 19 percent stopped having migraines entirely after the yearlong study. What’s more, anti-CGRP antibody treatments have no major side effects. That’s a big advantage, since other FDA-approved drugs that are currently used to prevent migraines can cause everything from nausea to hair loss to tremors, says Stewart Tepper, M.D., a professor of neurology at Dartmouth College. “The CGRP antibody is like the holy grail of headache treatment because it could reduce the baggage that most current treatments come with,” says Thomas Ward, M.D., a neurologist at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center. “It would be a huge step forward.” Where to Get It Four medical companies are recruiting for phase 3 of clinical trials. Visit and search for “CGRP antibody.” Cost To be determined pending clinical trials

Lower-Back Pain from Damaged Disks The Latest Treatment Multipotent mesenchymal stem cells How It Works Back pain is the leading cause of disability worldwide—and treating it can be a pain too. But instead of offering back-pain sufferers the traditional options—painkillers or surgery—scientists have begun to realize the healing power of patients’ own stem cells in treating injured disks. Physicians can now remove stem cells from a person’s bone marrow or fat and then reinject them, in a concentrated form, into painful damaged spinal disks. This creates a pro-growth environment to help heal injured disk tissue. “The idea is that you’re giving your own body more healing potential by using your own restorative stem cells and growth factors,” says Jeffrey Zeckser, M.D., a specialist in stem cell orthopedics based in Charlotte, North Carolina, who recently published a paper on the treatment. In one ongoing study involving 100 patients, 69 percent of those who received just one stem-cell injection experienced a 50 percent reduction in pain after a year. That’s nearly double the pain relief of those who received a placebo saline injection. Better yet, stem cell injection is minimally invasive, unlike traditional spine surgeries, which involve cutting, tissue removal, and scars, says Dr. Zeckser. Recovery time is also shorter. While most back surgeries put you out of action for six to eight weeks, stem cell injection patients can return to light activity within days. “The ideal treatment plan would include stem cells, followed by therapy exercises that emphasize core-strengthening and proper posture,” Dr. Zeckser says. “It all fits to create a healthy spine.” Where to Get It More than a dozen clinical trials are under way. Ask your primary-care doctor to recommend a spine specialist who is qualified to perform the procedure. Cost Generally $6,000 to $10,000. It’s not covered by insurance.


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In this family-focused cookbook, Freddie Prinze Jr. teaches fans to cook his mainstays, the recipes that he makes on even the busiest weeknights, as well as more luxurious date night meals. With personal family photos from Freddie and Sarah’s beautiful LA home and Freddie’s hilarious stories about the life of an actor, BACK TO THE KITCHEN shares more than just recipes. It’s an inside look at a beloved movie and TV personality who has acted, cooked, and eaten his way around the world.

“Is it fair for a guy to be handsome, talented, a great husband and father, AND a genius cook? Only if he shares the recipes. We all just got really lucky.” —Seth Green RODALEWELLNESS.COM • FOLLOW US @RODALEBOOKS ON

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6 Airborne Toxic Events In summer, the living’s easy but breathing can be hard, thanks to ozone and other flying toxins. Don’t hold your breath for a solution; just follow this advice. By Laura Tedesco We’ve come to expect foul air in New York City and Los Angeles—but Kansas City? Lancaster, Pennsylvania? That’s Amish country, for cripes’ sake! But even those living in the heartland have to deal with pollution. In fact, according to a recent American Lung Association report, nearly 44 percent of Americans live in areas with dangerously high levels of either ozone or particle pollution. And thanks to the combination of heat, smog, and long afternoons spent outdoors, summer is high season for toxic-chemical exposure. Here are six common offenders, and what you can do to breathe easier all summer long.

Charcoal Grill

Vehicle Exhaust


Pool Fumes

Bonfire Smoke







Charcoal smoke contains a range of toxins, including a class of carcinogens called polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons (PAHs). PAHs also form in charred meat—so try not to burn the sirloin.

Particles from car and bus fumes can trigger inflammation, which can lead to heart damage, says environmental health expert John Balmes, M.D. Research shows that people who are around a lot of exhaust have higher blood pressure than those in safer zones. The risk is worse if you’re exercising and breathing heavily through your mouth.

Ground-level ozone, a product of sunlight passing through exhaust fumes and power-plant emissions, can damage cells, causing inflammation that can lead to lung and heart damage, Dr. Balmes says.

That “clean” smell at the pool isn’t chlorine. It’s trichloramine, a compound that forms when chlorine reacts with urine and sweat, says Ernest Blatchley III, Ph.D., an environmental engineer at Purdue. Trichloramine exposure has been linked to asthma, and the byproduct of chlorine and trichloramine can irritate your lungs.

Burning wood emits particles just as charcoal does; this can spike the risk of respiratory infection and heart disease in people with high exposure, says Leo Stockfelt, M.D., Ph.D., an expert in wood-smoke toxins.

That gassy smell emanating from the mower is benzene, a carcinogen also found in cigarettes. The CDC’s 15-minute exposure threshold is 5 parts per million (ppm), but humans detect it starting at just 1.5 ppm. So odds are, you’re breathing in only a minuscule amount.



Bike or jog far from busy roads. If you can’t, pop 500 milligrams of vitamin C a day. The antioxidant helps counteract the pollutants, says Dr. Balmes.

100 | July/August 2016


Before you head outdoors for cardio or yard work, check AirNow (, a site that reports on air quality by zip code. When ozone levels are high, try to stay indoors. In the car, shield yourself by keeping your windows up and using the AC recirculation setting.


Swim outdoors if you can; indoor pools trap fumes. And rinse off before you dive in; this can keep the problem from getting worse. Finally, tell your kid: No peeing in the pool.


Why does campfire smoke follow you? Because you’re blocking the cool air moving toward the flame, says Dr. Stockfelt. That creates a low-pressure path for smoke to follow. So avoid damp wood (it smokes) and build your kindling up tall, like a chimney, to direct smoke upward.


Upgrade to a no-spill gas can, and put the nozzle directly into the mower tank; don’t use a funnel. With your car, resist the urge to top off after the pump clicks off. Topping off means more vapors and possible spillage.


Icons by SAM PEE T

Try gas: Propane is a cleaner-burning fuel, says Patrick Kinney, Sc.D., an environmental health professor at Columbia. But if you’re a charcoal devotee, just position your grill away from walls or awnings that stifle airflow, and stand back until the coals are white-hot. That’s when they smoke the least.


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Let’s Not Be Premature Crowd-pleasing ways to last longer in bed. By Ian Kerner, Ph.D. As a chronic premature ejaculator, I was sure my epitaph would be “He came. He saw. He came again.” Sometimes I’d climax before I even got my boxers off, so forget sex. I avoided dates. Intimacy meant humiliation and a dry-cleaning bill. About 40 percent of men have similar problems to varying degrees, say researchers in Malaysia; PE can be defined as ejaculation occurring within 60 seconds of penetration. This can utterly destroy your sex life. I overcame my condition in my late 20s, but it was a factor in my decision to become a sex therapist and to write a book titled, not ironically at all, She Comes First. Since then I’ve helped thousands of men beat their PE. What I’ve learned: Any man can increase his staying power with the following tips. Try them tonight, and enjoy the ride.

Master the Mini-Orgasm

Make Your Penis a Sex Toy

Pop This Pill

If a condom isn’t enough, try an over-the-counter delaying spray containing lidocaine. I like Promescent, which was formulated by a urologist. In one study, 74 percent of men who used a lidocaine-based spray lasted longer than two minutes, versus just 22 percent of the placebo group. And in a study I designed with researcher Kristen Mark, Ph.D., many men using Promescent lasted as long as 11 minutes. You only need two or three squirts, and it absorbs easily so it won’t leave you (or her) numb. Try it while masturbating, first using one spritz and then two to learn which dosage works best.

Practice masturbating nearly to the point of ejaculation, and then stop. Male orgasm consists of two phases: emission (when semen is loaded into the urethra) and ejaculation (when it’s expelled). You want to reach the emission phase, before ejaculation, and experience the feeling of a minor pelvic contraction or two but without fully ejaculating. This mini-orgasm functions as a release valve, easing some of the tension in your penis and dialing back the sexual response process. It takes a bit of practice to execute during sex, but you’ve had worse homework assignments, right?

Perpendicular sex positions allow for clitoral stimulation without penetration, which can help you last longer. As you each lie on your side facing each other, create a 90-degree angle between your shaft and her vulva. Instead of penetrating, press your shaft lengthwise against her clitoris and gently move it back and forth. You’re basically creating a sex toy out of the top side of your penis, which is far less sensitive than the underside. When she’s getting close, switch to a more stimulating position. With luck she’ll reach orgasm first, even if you ejaculate within a minute or so.

If all else fails, a class of antidepressants known as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), such as Zoloft, Prozac, and Paxil, may help. One side effect is delayed ejaculation. Research suggests that taking an SSRI before sex may help men with PE last four to five times longer. In the same study, all 100 premature ejaculators who took some form of antidepressant before sex saw improvements in their staying power. Obviously your doctor will need to weigh in. In my own case, I used an SSRI to good effect. And I’ve seen these drugs help a lot of other men with PE as well.

102 | July/August 2016

Tr a v i s R a t h b o n e / Tr u n k A r c h i v e

Use a Numbing Spray

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See Your Future Vision-impairing conditions are increasing among young people. Protect yourself from these eyesight saboteurs. By Markham Heid

Cover one eye and read this. Now try the other one. Were you struggling to see clearly out of either eye? If so, then your eyes are sending you an SOS. You’re not alone. “I’m seeing more vision trouble with younger guys these days,” says MH advisor Kimberly Cockerham, M.D., a clinical associate professor of ophthalmology at Stanford University. Cases of myopia (nearsightedness) are spiking, and glaucoma, cataracts, and other eye conditions are also on the rise. One major culprit is screen use (phone, tablet, TV, laptop). But stress, poor nutrition, smoking, and obesity can also sap your sight. In fact, anything that hurts your heart will strain your eyes. See clearly now and in the future by avoiding these mistakes.



You never unplug Blue light from your devices may be linked to macular degeneration, an impairment of your central vision. Plus, not blinking fully while staring at a screen can cause “computer vision syndrome”—dryness, pain, and fatigue. SAVE YOUR SIGHT Keep any screen at least 16 inches from your face, and bump up the text size, says Mark Rosenfield, Ph.D., of SUNY College of Optometry.


You’re clumsy

A layer of lightsensitive cells on the interior of the eyeball


Entry point for half the information in your conscious mind

Blunt trauma to the eye— say, from an errant ball or elbow—is the most common cause of vision loss in young men. One nightmare is a detached retina, which can also result from any violent head movement—even an intense sneeze. SAVE YOUR SIGHT Wear protective glasses when you play sports. If you do take a hit and then notice spots or arcs of flashing light, head immediately to the ER.



You’re way stressed

You skip the salad

The stress hormone cortisol can lead to impaired retinal function. This can result in a condition known as central serous chorioretinopathy (CSCR), a buildup of liquid that causes blurry vision. SAVE YOUR SIGHT Exercise and meditation can slash stress. Or rock out regularly: An hour at a live music event can lower cortisol levels by 25 percent, a U.K. study found.

Avoiding leafy greens means you miss out on nutrients, such as nitrates and lutein, that can help ward off glaucoma and macular degeneration.


You read too close




The domed window at the front of your eye

A disk that changes shape for near or far vision

The closer you hold something to your face—a phone, a book— the harder your eyes work. This strain may cause your eyeballs to elongate, possibly resulting in myopia. SAVE YOUR SIGHT Use the 20-20-20 rule: Every 20 minutes, take a break and look at something 20 feet away for 20 seconds. Look out a window if you can; broad vistas help your eyes relax. 108 | July/August 2016

Should You Get Laser Eye Surgery? Almost 20 years after its FDA approval, laser vision correction is safer than ever, thanks to fancier lasers and smarter ways to manage post-op complications. A recent study found that 96 percent of patients report 20/20 vision after having the surgery. The most common complaint is dry eye. Still, not everyone is a candidate. “If you have thin corneas, the procedure could make your vision worse,” says Josh Dunaief, M.D., a Philadelphia ophthalmologist. Also, about 10 percent of people who have the surgery report occasional hazy vision, especially when driving at night, he says. Ask your primary-care doctor to recommend an eye surgeon. The surgery costs $1,000 or more per eye, and your insurance is not likely to cover that.

Nitrates help promote bloodflow to the retina. A recent study found that people who eat 240 milligrams a day (a cup of spinach) are 30 percent less likely to develop glaucoma than greens haters. MISTAKE

You have vices If you’re a smoker, obese, or both, your risk of glaucoma, cataracts, macular degeneration, and other eye diseases skyrockets by as much as 300 percent. SAVE YOUR SIGHT Lose the extra weight (duh) and ditch the cancer sticks (double duh). Eating a diet that’s rich in fatty fish, fruits, and vegetables (especially those high in vitamin C and zinc) is beneficial for eye health. I L L U S T R AT I O N B Y S C I E P R O



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Sex+Relationships TAKE HER WHERE SHE WANTS TO GO You can have great sex anytime. But unforgettable sex? Seven women tell us why vacations drive them wild. Edited by Mike Darling Kristen wasn’t even sure she liked Rob. But when he suggested a road trip over the Fourth of July weekend, she figured why not? He was cute, and she was bored. They drove south, stopping in Virginia for burgers and fireworks, and hit the South Carolina coast around 3 a.m. That’s when they decided to sleep on the beach. But there wasn’t much sleeping. “Making out on the beach—the waves, the salty air, the pitch black—I’ll never forget it.” Twelve years later, Kristen and Rob are married with kids. They still talk of that trip as their defining moment. “It was the right trip at the right time with the right guy,” Kristen says. “The beach sealed it.” Such is the power of summer. It turns friends into lovers. It creates memories that last a lifetime. So we asked women to share their hottest stories. Read on for a few ideas on where to go—and who to do.

110 | July/August 2016


Alone-in-Paradise Sex

Every year my boyfriend and I celebrate his birthday with a camping trip. Once, in Ojai, California, we found this gorgeous trail that ended at a 45-foot waterfall with crystalclear pools of water. The area was green and lush with all these huge ferns and caverns, like an ad for Irish Spring soap. At dusk, we took a few beers to the waterfall to cool off. We started kissing, and little by little our clothes came off. Eventually I found myself giving him oral. He was leaning on a huge boulder, and I was partially under the falls. I could feel the cool water trickling down my body as the sun set, and I noticed all the sounds, smells, and textures. I could hear things rustling in the leaves, the birds chirping. It was all very cinematic. I got up and faced the boulder, positioning him behind me. We had sex for a good 15 minutes, both of us taking it all in, looking out over our piece of paradise. Being outdoors is a turn-on—it heightens your senses in the best way, and you have sensations that you’re not used to. You feel wilder, more alive. —Christine, 40

82% of women find the idea of skinnydipping with their partner a huge turn-on


Stealthy Sex

I met Sam, a coast guard officer, on a scuba trip in the Cayman Islands. I thought he looked great in his wetsuit, so I flirted with him, dropping a hint that I was the only single girl in my group. He offered to give me a private lesson. At one point it was just the two of us underwater, and he gently floated over and kissed me. Afterward we kept hanging out, and later that night, fueled by tequila and dancing, we broke off to walk the beach. We came across a hammock between two palm trees and clambered into it. This felt exotic and taboo—we’d only just met and could get caught. At first we just kissed. I wasn’t sure if things would go much further—we were in a moving hammock, after all. It could flip. But then he pulled off a feat that still impresses me: Steadying the hammock with one arm, he reached down with the other hand and slid off my panties. A few minutes later, I came. Despite the fact that we were strangers, it was intensely romantic. The beach. The waves. The stars. The romance and the thrill pushed me over the edge. —Maria, 33

23% of couples say they’ve had sex on the beach

July/August 2016 | 111

Sex + Relationships

Reinvention Sex

112 | July/August 2016

doing this whenever possible after we had the kids. A hotel down the street. One night. Nothing fancy. All that mattered was having the room to ourselves so we could let loose. The best sex is always the next morning as we wait for room service—the opposite of my usual mornings. I don’t have to be a mom. I can just be a woman. —Holley, 45

63% of women say the risk of getting caught heats up the sex

S t a n i s l a s M e r l i n / G a l l e r y S t o c k (o p e n i n g i m a g e) , Va l L o h / G e t t y I m a g e s (t h i s p a g e) , M I C H A E L B R A N D O N M Y E R S ( i c o n s)


“Keep them open,” I said, nodding toward the curtains. The thought that someone might see us was a turn-on, but not something I’d risk at home. I straddled my husband. Tonight was about us—no risk of the kids hearing anything, no worrying that the neighbors might ring the doorbell. That’s why we’d started

4 5 6 7 One-Night-Only Sex

Unrestrained Sex

Mile-High Sex

Exhibitionist Sex

My friend and I met up in New Zealand for a music festival. Somehow, she’d forgotten our tent, so we had nowhere to sleep for three days. Thankfully, the South Pacific is full of hot surfers. Dylan was tall, boyishly handsome, and smelled like coconut. His friend was cute too, so we started flirting. Later, we all snuck into the woods behind the stages. Everyone was making out, drinking twist-off wine. It felt like we were the only people in the world. Dylan and I couldn’t keep our hands off each other. His kisses melted me. When we found his tent, along a river next to a bunch of festivalgoers, I experienced one of the sexiest strip-offyour-clothes moments ever. We were skin-to-skin in his sleeping bag. The buildup was so intense. Our friends were sleeping next to us, and I didn’t even hide my moans. The next morning we exchanged numbers. Turned out, we went to the same school. I saw him back on campus once after that, but it wasn’t the same. The magic was meant only for that one summer night. —Emma, 25

A few years ago I took a trip home to Missouri and brought my thenboyfriend, Mike, with me. We rode bikes along back roads. I wore a short dress, pedaling ahead to show off my legs. We stopped on a bridge to enjoy the view and leaned on the railing, listening to the water. I was telling him about the creek, all the time I spent there as a kid, and he leaned in and surprised me with a kiss. We started making out. My adrenaline was pumping. A car approached. We pulled apart—it could’ve been my dad. But that’s when I knew: I wanted him. Here. Now. This place was special—and this was one of the only things left that could make it more special, give it new meaning. The car passed and we kept going. He reached under my dress and slid off my panties, tucking them in his pocket. I knew we had to be quick, so I unzipped his shorts and pulled him closer. It was all over in a minute, but I didn’t care. I felt so naughty and adventurous, and for the rest of that weekend I couldn’t stop replaying the moment in my head. —Samantha, 28

On a flight to Mexico for vacation, my boyfriend, Stephen, was extra frisky and determined to join the mile-high club. I protested—the flight was only two hours, and it was daytime. At my fourth refusal, he resorted to a more persuasive method. He grabbed my hair, tugged hard, and kissed, sucked, and bit my neck while his hand slid up the inside of my dress. I was too turned on to say no by that point. He went into the restroom first. I nervously followed 30 seconds later. He was sitting on the toilet seat with his pants at his ankles. When I squeezed inside, he turned me around and plopped me down in a seated reverse cowgirl position. He pushed my sundress up, pulled my panties to the side, and thrust into me with a firm hold on my hips. I never knew I could come so fast. Back at our seats, two female flight attendants approached us. Without saying a word, one of them unfolded our trays and spread out a white cloth napkin, while the other placed two glasses of champagne and a rose. They whispered, “Congratulations.” —Caroline, 41

I was on vacation in Italy with my guy, Joe. We’d been lost for hours, driving aimlessly along twisty, winding roads in the mountains with no cellphone and only a handwritten map to guide us to our hotel. By the time we finally found our way there, we had plenty of pent-up energy to work off. The balcony of our thirdfloor room had this amazing view of the Adriatic Sea. I’ll never forget it: The sun was coming up over the horizon, and as if on cue, we started ripping each other’s clothes off. We weren’t exhibitionists; we just recognized how perfect the moment was, and decided not to hold back. Part of being on vacation is about letting go of your inhibitions. Plus, I kept thinking about how romantic it felt to be looking at this beautiful scene while bent over the balcony railing of our hotel room, having sex with the man I loved. And that’s when I noticed the grounds crew below. They were cheering the performance we didn’t realize we were putting on. We smiled, waved, hustled back inside. ..and kept right on going. —Ashley, 31



of women are open to vacation one-night stands

of women think sex is hotter when it’s spontaneous

4% 4%

of Americans say they’re members of the mile-high club

92% of women say being in a nice hotel makes the action that much sexier

July/August 2016 | 113






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14 no-fail ways to be a good dad in an hour (or less!) a day. By Mike Darling The average married father spends about seven hours a week caring for his kids, according to research from the University of Maryland. That’s a sliver of time that can quickly disappear into work emails or Game of Thrones. So the last thing you need is a guilt-inducing list of to-dos that’ll make your son or daughter Harvard-ready by age 6. The secret to being a great dad isn’t finding more time; it’s making better use of the time you do have. None of our 14 ideas take longer than an hour to pull off. But each one will help you raise a winner—with time to spare. `

A good dad knows when to ride, and when to be ridden.

July/August 2016 | 115

Fatherhood 1/ Horse Around Backyard wrestling matches help kids control hyperactivity. Roughhousing also gives you a chance to teach very young children that biting, kicking, and other forms of physical violence aren’t okay.

2/ Own Your Lack of Cool Kids can spot a fake and would rather roll their eyes at your off-key Eddie Vedder than at your failed attempt to riff Macklemore, says psychiatrist Kyle Pruett, M.D., the author of Fatherneed. Steadiness and authenticity will earn their admiration over time.

3/...and Your Dorky Side Share secrets. It builds loyalty and trust.

4/ Read to Them Like You Mean It

7/ Keep Lots of Books Around

10/ Befriend Their Friends

You may be bored by your 297th reading of Goodnight Moon, but your kids aren’t—and they’ll be better off if you suck it up and get into the story, suggests research from Boston University. Reading in an engaging voice appears to make a difference in promoting kids’ literacy and language development.

The mere presence of books crammed on a shelf—whether or not they’re actually read— can translate to an intellectual boost, one study confirms. Having 500 or more books in the home is as great an advantage for a kid as having university-educated parents, and twice that of having a dad who’s a professional rather than an unskilled laborer.

Ask your kids’ friends about their summer plans, whether the band teacher favors the woodwinds, and who they plan on asking to the junior prom. Listen closely to the intel they share—it will help you understand what your own children are up to when you’re not watching their every move.

5/ Don’t Move Bedtime

11/ Let ’Em Get Dirty

Tucking in the kids at inconsistent times can hurt their cognitive development. In a British study, researchers tracked nearly 10,000 children and found a link between irregular bedtimes at age 3 and lower scores in math, reading, and spatial development at age 7.

8/ Play Hooky with Them

6/ Make Sure They Can Swim

9/ Break the Occasional Rule

The shallow end of life is brief; it gets deep really fast. No wonder an Australian study found that children who learned to swim at a young age were more physically and mentally advanced than their peers.

Important distinction: a rule, not a law. Let them occasionally eat dessert for breakfast or stay up to watch extra innings. Be consistent and fair, says Dr. Pruett, but also show some flexibility and have a bit of naughty fun.

Save a few “sick” days for spontaneous fun, Dr. Pruett says. Unplugging is critical, and you both need to connect with something deeper than Wi-Fi. Homework can be made up, and coworkers can chill for a day.

The Best Parenting Advice from Comedians

Laugh if they jump into a creek with their shoes on. Applaud their mud angels. Children—boys and girls alike—love dirt. Let them do something that will require some serious hosing afterward (or better yet, join in). They’ll remember it as one of their greatest days ever.

12/ Praise Effort, Not Ability By emphasizing the value of hustle over innate talent, you can help your children dream up strategies for improvement, and they might even end up preferring tasks that are more challenging, research shows. The next time your son or daughter does well on a school project, say “I’m proud of how hard you worked” instead of “You’re such a smart kid—I knew you’d get an A.”

13/ Teach ’Em the Three Laws to Live By Ignore ’Em “Parents are burning kids out on structure. I think all children should have three hours of daydreaming every day. Just daydreaming . . . If you want to know how you can help your children: Leave them the fuck alone!” —George Carlin

Accept That You’ll Embarrass Them “I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy. Even Johnny Depp’s kid must be like, ‘Oh god, my dad with those freakin’ scarves. This isn’t a pirate ship; it’s Costco, Dad.’” —Judd Apatow

116 | July/August 2016

Be Your Own Man “I’m not ‘Mom’s assistant.’ That’s depressing, just waiting for her to write you a list, walking around a store staring at it, and calling her from the cereal aisle to make sure you got the right thing. Be a man. Make your own list.” —Louis C.K.

Celebrate Their Achievements “My dad would treat spelling bees like athletic events. I’m in the middle of spelling some shit, all I heard was ‘Alriiiight. Yeeeeeah! My son’s spelling the shit out of these motherfucking words!’” —Kevin Hart

Being a kid is hard enough; they shouldn’t feel like they live in a police state. There are only three rules they need to thrive in a civilized society: (1) Don’t stand in front of a TV when an adult is binge-watching, (2) get a second opinion before tweeting anything, and (3) never, ever, ever root against the home team.

14/ Walk in Kindness Never scream in your own house unless there’s a fire. Don’t even hint at violence, and never kick the family pet, especially the goldfish. Repeat aloud: “Every dog is a good dog,” and mean it because it’s true.

K a t a S e d l a k /m o n o . s k (o p e n i n g i m a g e), B r u c e D a v i d s o n / M a g n u m P h o to s (a b o v e), N B C /G e t t y I m a g e s (C a r l i n), P i c t u r e P e r fe c t / R e x /S h u t t e r s to c k (A p a to w), Z U M A P r e s s I n c . /A l a m y (Lo u i s C . K .), S t a r p i x / R e x /S h u t te r s to c k (H a r t)

Bust out the photos of your mullet and pornstache. Being comfortable with your imperfections telegraphs confidence. When your son or daughter dishes it out, laugh it off and give it back. Good-natured badgering is fine as long as your kids still respect you.

Our all-new fitness program is guaranteed to get your body beach-ready in 31 days. The best part: No gym required. By Erin Beresini

Photographs by Ture Lillegraven



Weight Your Chores OOOOO

You’re probably sore from yesterday, so sneak the work in today. Wear a weighted vest or heavy backpack as you shop for groceries, walk the dog, vacuum the house, whatever. This allows you to recover and helps you grow injury-preventing muscle around your entire body so you can train hard without worry in the coming weeks. DAY 6

Use Your Body as a Barbell OOOOO

Head out to a local park or your backyard and do the bodyweight workout “Your No-Gym, No Excuses Plan” on page 158. DAY 7

Chop a Log


enhances the cardio effect and is safer on your joints. Do 20 minutes of hard climbing and 30 minutes of relaxed descent for a workout lasting 50 minutes total. DAY 2


Get fit and be productive: Explosive training using compound moves increases your power and improves your endurance and body composition, reveals research from Ohio State. Go out and chop wood. You can achieve the same benefit with 10-pound medicine ball slams. Do 30 seconds of chopping or slamming followed by 30 seconds of rest, for a total of 30 minutes.


Pay for Your Emails OOOOO

Do a burpee for every email sent and received. If you’re a workaholic, this will cure you.

Bike to Work DAY 4



Run Bleachers OOOOO

The drill your high school football coach used to whip your ass into shape still does the trick. Running bleachers torches calories, improves endurance, and strengthens legs. Sprint the ups and recover on the downs, says Drew Wartenburg, coach and founder of pro running team NorCal Distance Project. This 120 | July/August 2016

This is a great way to burn calories and put a smile on the face of the tree hugger next door. You can grind to work in a low gear and spin home in a high gear. In the higher gears, you’re pedaling more revolutions per minute, which taxes your aerobic system and builds robust lungs, says James Wilson, founder of MTB Strength Training Systems. Lower gears feel “heavier” and recruit more muscle; that’ll help you develop strong stems. If biking to work isn’t feasible, do the Day 19 workout instead.

Learn to Suffer OOOOO

Murph, a CrossFit workout, goes like this: First, strap on a 20-pound weighted vest. Then run a mile. Now do 100 pullups, 200 pushups, and 300 squats. Finish off with another mile run. Ben Bruno, an L.A.-based trainer, says a sane version for rookies is to ditch the weighted vest and divide everything by 5 (run 350 yards; do 20 pullups, 40 pushups, and 60 squats; run another 350 yards). Not totally gassed? Repeat it.




Bust Some Balls OOOOO

Moving quickly from side to side is key for better sports performance and injury prevention. After stretching, train for lateral mobility this way: Shoot baskets but let the ball bounce only twice before you grab it. Go for 20 minutes.


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On a blue-sky summer day, there’s only one place worse than the office: the gym. So unshackle yourself from the squat rack and step outside. You’ll improve gym yourr fit fitness that much faster. Studies show that outdoor exercise often burns more calories calo than indoor exercise, and it can also boost your mood. With those benefits in n mind, we asked the top fitness coaches in the country to develop a monthlon hlong training plan where every single rep, run, or ride is done in fresh air, not in fron ront of a flat-screen blaring election coverage. For the next 31days, set aside 15 to 60 minutes a day to complete these daily challenges. If you do, you’ll strip off 15  your T-shirt with confidence to reveal your accomplishment: a beach-ready body.


DAY 12

DAY 14

DAY 15

Move Two Tons of Steel

Enter the Pain Cave

Climb a Rope




Grab a buddy and your car and head to a flat parking lot. Put the car in neutral and let your friend steer while you push, which will turn your legs into pistons. Push about 50 feet every minute on the minute for a half hour. Make it harder: Use a heavier vehicle or add time to your workout.

Zen out and build all-around strength in your own backyard with Bruno’s grueling slow-burn workout. Isometric exercise, when you work a muscle without moving it, is a no-impact, surefire way to make that muscle grow. Hold a plank for 1 minute, a side plank for 1 minute on each side, a split squat with your rear knee an inch off the ground for 30 seconds (both sides), a pushup with your chest just off the ground for 30 seconds, and the “up” position of a pullup or inverted row for 30 seconds. That’s round 1. Do 2 more. Then shake out the tension.

Rope climbs smoke your grip strength, arms (especially forearms), core, and legs. Hitch a rope to a tree or swing set and start developing functional strength. To do it, form a “step” with your feet by wrapping the rope under one foot and over the other. Push off this step. Regrip the rope, create another step, and go up. Climb for 10 minutes. (This time you can actually enjoy it, since the entire gym class isn’t watching.) Afraid of heights? Lean back with the rope at a 45-degree angle and pull yourself to a standing position, or just do 40 pullups and 40 squats.


Go to 300

DAY 13


Recover Better

Pushups, that is. “Perform 20 pushups an hour throughout the day,” suggests Kalle Beck, a strongman coach at Complete Human Performance. Target different areas of your body by varying your hand and body positions: Do close hands and wide hands; elevate your hands or feet. If you can’t do 20 consecutive pushups, cut the number in half and do 150 total.


DAY 10

Be a Letter Man O p e n i n g s p r e a d: 2 X U s h o r t s , A P L s h o e s , F i t b i t t r a c ke r ; t h i s p a g e: C h a m p i o n s h o r t s , N i ke s h o e s ( p u l l u p); 2 X U s h o r t s , O n s h o e s , J a w b o n e t r a c ke r (l o g)


Forge powerful, athletic legs by jumping letter patterns on the ground. On one leg, hop to each point to trace out the letter while facing a single direction— so you’re jumping forward, backward, and side to side, says Bobby Maximus, strength coach at Gym Jones in Salt Lake City. Pick five letters that don’t have curves (A, M, A, Z, E), and jump out each letter with each leg. DAY 11

Carry a Log OOOOO

Head into nature for a hike. Along the trail, look for a hefty log and carry it in front of you, overhead, or on your shoulders for at least a mile. You’ll burn fat and build muscle while also gaining functional strength for daily life. “Holding something out in front of you works your core more and incorporates your hamstrings,” Beck says, because they have to prevent you from falling forward. Shouldering the load rocks your obliques, which are crucial elements of a strong, stable core. PS: Don’t watch the log. Watch your step!

We know your glutes are squawking. So walk it off. Stroll for 30 minutes. That increases bloodflow to all your muscles, flushing soreness and speeding growth.


DAY 17

Do the Ultimate Triathlon Workout OOOOO

DAY 16

Pass the Lifeguard Test OOOOO

Build lifesaving fitness! Swim 300 yards continuously and then tread water for 2 minutes. Rest 2 minutes. Repeat once. (Do this with a real lifeguard on duty.) This will get your heart pumping without any pounding on your joints. No pool? Go out for a 30-minute walk. 122 | July/August 2016

Triathletes swear by this grueling workout for its cardio and speed benefits. Bike around a track for 10 minutes—5 minutes easy, 4 minutes gaining speed, 1 minute hauling ass. Then run hard around it for 2 laps (800 meters, or ½ mile). Do this 6 times. No bike? Swap in a variety of bodyweight moves—pushups, lunges, squats, planks, jumps.

another. Jog to the next. Repeat the pattern for 15 to 20 minutes. No beach? Sprint between mailboxes, trees, or street signs, and aim for 30 to 45 seconds of speed.

your house for 15 minutes. Now turn around and try to run back faster. This technique is called negative splits. “It trains you to run faster when you’re tired,” Wartenburg says.

DAY 19

Water Down Your Walk

DAY 21


Run a Dick

Fill a pair of 5-gallon buckets with water. Every minute on the minute for 10 minutes, walk with them for about 100 feet. This muscle-forging farmer’s walk variation presents a killer core challenge because you have to stabilize the sloshing water.


DAY 18

Discover Tower Sprints

DAY 20


Run Negative Splits

Training on sand is low risk, high reward: The sand moves under you, which delivers a challenge, and it cushions each step. Sprint from one lifeguard tower to


Do this workout at sunrise to beat the heat, boost your mood, and burn fat before breakfast. Warm up; then run away from

Streets are essentially long penis shapes, says Claire Wyckoff of the popular blog RunningDrawing. She posts phallic doodles that she makes jogging with the run-tracking and mapping app Nike+. Download the app, start the run-tracking function, and run in the shape of a dick (and balls if you’re feeling frisky). “You’ll want to complete your artwork, even if that means charging straight up a steep hill,” says Wyckoff. The longer your dick, the better. Obviously.


DAY 27

DAY 29

Unleash the Power of Different Strokes



DAY 24

Rule the Jungle Gym OOOOO

School’s out for summer. So run to the jungle gym and tackle this full-body-blasting pushuppullup countdown, courtesy of Bruno. Do 7 pullups on the monkey bars and 14 pushups on the ground; then do 6 pullups/12 pushups, 5 pullups/10 pushups, and so on. Continue down the ladder with a pullup-to-pushup ratio of 1:2 until you hit 1 pullup/ 2 pushups. Can’t start with 7 pullups? Start with however many you can do, maintaining the same 1:2 ratio. Too easy? Work your way back up the ladder. DAY 25

Get High OOOOO

DAY 22

Hit the Trail OOOOO

Mountain biking sends your heart rate on a roller-coaster ride because you encounter hills; plus you also have to engage your core to go up and over obstacles like rocks and downed trees. In fact, this totalbody challenge burns about 650 calories an hour. Ride for 30 to 60 minutes. No bike? Trail run. DAY 23

Ditch the Cart OOOOO

You’ve been training hard. Here’s an easy way to carve your core: hand baskets only at the grocery store. It simulates the suitcase carry and targets your obliques. Equally important for abs: Don’t fill that basket with junk food!

Hill sprints are more of a cardio challenge, but they don’t put as much heavy impact and banging on your legs as flat-land sprints do, Wartenburg says. So pick a hill and go for time or distance; 10 seconds or 100 yards is a good place to start. Don’t sprint to complete exhaustion. Recover as you walk downhill, and do as many sprints as you can while maintaining speed and form. DAY 26

Stick It to Your Neighbor OOOOO

Sign up for Strava and become the fastest guy in your hood. The free app lets you compare your GPS-tracked runs and rides with anybody who’s used Strava on the same routes. Check out your local KOMs (kings of the mountain) and CRs (course records)—the fastest times on specific routes either cycling or running, respectively. Choose a running or cycling route that’ll take 30 to 60 minutes. Start your battle to win the throne.

Beach-ready bodies are built in the water. So head to your local pool and try this 1,000-yard workout, which tones your muscles and burns a hell of a lot of fat. Warm up for 200 yards (roughly eight lengths of a normal-size pool). Freestyle (front crawl) for four relaxing lengths; then backstroke four relaxing lengths. Do that three times. Now swim freestyle as fast as you can for two lengths, rest 30 seconds, and backstroke as fast as you can for two lengths. Do a slow cooldown for four lengths. In addition to shedding your spare tire, you’ll also recover from yesterday’s workout and boost your cardio fitness in a low-impact way. DAY 28

Bag a Boulder

Train Like John Glenn Astronauts on NASA’s Project Mercury in 1959 had to take the Harvard Step Test, a brutal high-intensity leg workout. Stand in front of a 20-inch step or a park bench. Watch the clock as you step up in 1 second, down in 1 second. Repeat, this time on the other leg. Keep going, alternating legs, for 5 minutes at a pace of 30 stepups per minute. Then count your pulse for 1 minute after you’re done (pulse 1), 2 minutes after (pulse 2), and 3 minutes after (pulse 3). Add the three pulse rates and divide 30,000 by that number. So if your pulses were 150, 130, and 110, your equation would be 30,000/ (150+130+110) = about 77. A man in excellent shape should get 90 or above; above average is 80 to 90. Less than 64 means you’ve got work to do, spaceman.


Bouldering delivers the benefits of traditional rock climbing— killer lats, biceps, forearms, and calves—but without the need for fancy ropes and hardware or elaborate knot knowledge. Find a bouldering spot in your area (see Warm up with some squats and pushups and a 30-second hang; then climb for about 20 minutes. You’ll build strength and stamina. Stick to the less difficult routes, or invest in a crash pad to cushion your falls (starting at $150, No bouldering spots around? Sorry: Do 20 pullups, 30 pushups, and 40 squats instead.

DAY 30

Take the Jump Rope– Burpee Ladder Test OOOOO

Go outside and do this CrossFit– inspired full-body sweat storm: 10 burpees/50 jump-rope jumps, 9 burpees/50 jump-rope jumps, and so on...all the way down to 1 burpee/50 jump-rope jumps. Try to finish the whole thing in 10 minutes. If you’re feeling especially masochistic, repeat. DAY 31

Lunge to Hell OOOOO

Lunges target your quads and glutes and train you to step forward with strength and stability—the key to success in all sports. “One of my favorite workouts is to lunge around the track,” says Maximus. Each lunge is about 1 meter, so once around the track is 400 lunges. Do that to start. Don’t have a track? Lunge around the block or across your backyard. Just don’t commit the cardinal sins of letting gravity do all the work as you lower yourself, or pushing off your leg with your hands. “Expect to be sore a few days after,” Maximus says. Don’t worry—you’ll be chilling with your shirt off on the beach. July/August 2016 | 123

Few summer highs top the view from Wyomingâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s 13,770foot Grand Teton.

It’s true— you can do this! We asked America’s top adventure experts how you can add adrenaline to your summer. Get ready to do things you never thought possible. By Gordy Megroz


Brenton Reagan of Exum Mountain Guides, based in Jackson, Wyoming.


problem. As long as you’re fit, you can take a two-day course with Exum Mountain Guides. The graduation ceremony is climbing the Grand Teton. Lead guide Brenton Reagan has 17 years of experience helping people rise above their expectations. These are his tips. 126 | July/August 2016

Read the Rocks

Learn to Belay

Hone Your Balance

Know Your Escape

A wrong step can be treacherous (though you’re roped in). Exum clients are taught to look for the shine on lichen and icy rocks; both can be slippery. And rocks aren’t always rocksolid. Check what that rock is attached to— if anything. If a rock is cracked, find a better, more solid option.

This means securing a partner with a rope that’ll stop his fall if he loses his footing. On the Grand Teton it’s a crucial skill. You should know overhand, bowline, and figure-8 knots, how to sit behind an immovable object and brace, and how to position the rope to create friction and tension.

To improve your balance skills, you’ll walk up rock slabs without using your hands and then progress to climbing vertically in two days. You’ll learn to “smear” your feet to get more traction, which is taking small steps and securing your feet in footholds. All of this lowers your chances of slipping.

The descent is sometimes harder than the ascent! Heading down a mountain often means crab crawling, a slow scoot on your butt. Check the forecast (noaa. gov is a good source) and be ready to turn around quickly. Know the best way to get down—storms blow in unexpectedly.


J i m m y C h i n (o p e n i n g s p r e a d), D av i d S t u b b s (R e a g a n); i c o n s b y M I C H A E L B R A N D O N M Y E R S

Touch the Sky

1 2 3 4

Colorado guide Maddie Brenneman with a monster brown trout.



What Weston Shirey, a guide for Western Spirit Cycling, uses to ride in comfort.

Smith Forefront (with MIPS) “It’s lightweight and offers extra protection from rotational forces.” $260,

M a t t R a i n e y a n d M a t t Z u g a l ( p r o d u c t s) , N i c k K e l l e y ( B r e n n e m a n); i l l u s t r a t i o n s b y M I K E S U D A L

Smith Pivlock Arena “Easy-change lenses and great defense against wind and sun.” $159,

HOOK A WHOPPER “If conditions are right, it’s hard to believe the fish just weren’t biting,” says Maddie Brenneman, a fly-fishing guide at the C Lazy U Ranch in Granby, Colorado. First, observe: Where are they feeding? If fish aren’t rising, they may be chowing down below the surface. “Use a wet fly,” she says, which looks like those found underwater; you can add weight so it sinks more. No dice? If the fish are feeding, it’s probably you, not them! “The way you present a fly matters. Try moving to give your fly optimal drift and to reduce any drag.”

Master the Art of Slacklining Have fun in your campsite or backyard and sharpen your balance for any sport. Howie Schwartz of Sierra Mountain Guides shows you how. Giro Terraduro “Grippy Vibram sole and a strong, secure ratcheting buckle system.” $180,

Camelbak K.U.D.U. 12 “Fits great, has back padding, and houses a 3-liter bladder.” $200,

1/ Find Your Spot Secure the slackline 2 feet off the ground between two trees 15 to 20 feet apart. The Gibbon Classic Slackline ($70 for 49 feet, sets up easily. Make it taut; more tension is best for beginners.

2/ Step Up on the Line Have a friend to lean on, and step up with your dominant foot while focusing on a point in the distance; don’t look down. Breathe deeply, inhaling and exhaling on a four-count each. Stand until you feel stable.

3/ Walk This Way Take small steps. You’ll learn faster with 10- to 15-minute daily sessions, rather than less-frequent longer sessions. Like a climber, with your eyes closed, practice moves like squats and single-leg poses. July/August 2016 | 127


in a raft is fun. But if you want thrilling, pilot yourself in an inflatable kayak. Use these skills from Anika Lofts, a guide who leads 3- to 14-day trips down Idaho’s unspoiled waterways.


Solve the Puzzle


Stoke Your Stroke


Escape a Whirlpool


Rescue Yourself

Look far ahead. That ripple—is it a wave or a rock? If it’s an upstream V, it’s a rock. Swirling? It’s an eddy, a mini-whirlpool that can flip you. If it’s too late to avoid, paddle right at it, and be aggressive. Speed can keep you from getting trapped.

Keep your arms slightly bent and your torso upright. Wind your torso in the opposite direction of your intended stroke. When you dig the paddle into the water, unwind through the stroke. Brace your core and power through the water.

Eddies can suck the rear of your kayak down. If you’re trapped, use the “butter J” stroke: Roll your wrist as if you’re smearing butter on toast. Once you’re balanced, paddle forward to spin with the whirlpool, and then faster than it to propel out.

If you fall out, stay calm and swim aggressively toward your boat. Set the boat upright and pull yourself in. The boat is safer. Most injuries happen when people set off swimming toward shore and get banged up by rocks or logs. 128 | July/August 2016

Anika Lofts leads kayak trips for Middle Fork Rapid Transit in Idaho.



Go Deep into the Wild

The stuff that veteran guide Ron Bubb trusts on trips into the backcountry.

To enjoy the wilderness even more, prepare like survival guide Byron Kerns.


warriors—all kinds enroll at the Byron Kerns Survival School near Florida’s Ocala National Forest. “They want to reconnect with nature, upgrade their wilderness skills, and build the confidence to go farther out there,” says Kerns, a former Air Force survival instructor. The two-night Bare Bones course covers first aid, shelter, fire, signaling, food, compass, and the psychology of survival. Here are his four essential skills. Know the H2O Equation Drink at least a pint of water before starting out, and carry enough to drink at least 4 ounces an hour for the duration. Recognize Danger Heat exhaustion is common, but few know the symptoms, which can include heavy sweating, dizziness, rapid heart-

beat, and headache. The treatment: Cool off. If it happens to a friend, remove his clothes (down to his underwear), lay him in shade, elevate his feet, fan him, and give him sips of water. Start a Fire in Rain Carry a flint firestarter and a ziplock bag of 10 cotton balls dabbed in Vaseline. Find 10" pieces of dead wood in various thicknesses (pencil lead to salami). Lay down a 3"-diameter log and dry bark in front of it. Put a cotton ball or two on the bark and spark it. Lean sticks from smallest to largest over the flames and onto the log. Then lift the log to give the fire air. Stay Positive This is your most critical skill if things go south. Focus on small things—clouds, bird songs—to help yourself feel optimistic. Carry a photo of a loved one; if you’re close to quitting, gaze at it for motivation to carry on.

O p p o s i t e: P E T E R B O H L E R (L o f t s); t h i s p a g e: J a m e s K a i s e r/O . A . R . S . (F a b r y) , M a t t R a i n e y a n d M a t t Z u g a l ( p r o d u c t s)

Mike Fabry runs Lava Falls, a notorious Grand Canyon rapid.

Osprey Aether 70 “It’s great for overnight trips or weeklong treks; hugs the spine.” $290,

Western Mountaineering Alpinlite 20-Degree Bag “Lasts decades.” From $540,

Black Diamond Carbon Poles “Cork handles are nice because they absorb perspiration.” $160,

THRIVE IN WHITEWATER Minimize your air time between strokes, says Mike Fabry, a rafting guide for O.A.R.S. who has led trips in the Grand Canyon for 39 years. “Your paddle is like your third leg; it helps you maintain stability best when it’s in the water.” Use your whole body to leverage power: Lean forward and dig the paddle straight into the water. Then pull with your body and end leaning back. Tip: Don’t put sunscreen on the backs of your legs. You’re sitting on the raft and it’s easier to slip off.

Vasque Breeze 2.0 GTX “I recommend these for light or medium-intensity excursions.” $170,



Sleep inthe Woods

Top picks from Maddie Brenneman, guide at C Lazy U Ranch in Granby, Colorado

Forget a hotel. This Rocky Mountain guide says there’s plenty of room in the wilderness.


pristine backcountry that hasn’t been “improved” by humans, says guide Ron Bubb of the Wildland Trekking Company. Pack a waterproof topographic map, a compass, and maybe a GPS receiver. Most important: Tell friends where you’re going and when you’ll be back, and leave a note on your dashboard. And then... Pick Your Spot Don’t bite off too much mileage; 5 miles is plenty with a full pack. You can always do a short hike, set up a basecamp, and then go out on day hikes. Your campsite should be flat, smooth, partially shaded, and away from dead trees or limbs. Take fire restrictions seriously; in summer, Western forests are tinderboxes.

Deal with Small Problems The biggest annoyances in backpacking are tiny: bugs, blisters, and raindrops. Pack a rain poncho and bug repellent (a breezy campsite helps). As for blisters, keep your boots snug with an overhand knot at the second-to-top pair of eyelets before tying a conventional knot. Taping a hotspot early is way better than treating a blister later. Appreciate the Big Things Before turning in, step away from your tent to take in that starfilled sky. And even though you’ve hung your food in a tree or stashed it in a bear canister away from your tent, know what to do if a bear comes sniffing. Raise your arms and fan out your jacket to appear as large as possible. Then make lots of noise. But bring bear spray just in case.

With Ron Bubb’s help, you can hike the best of the Colorado Rockies.

Abel #4 Pliers “Sturdy and well made. They pinch barbs well.” from $195,

Sage Line 6, 9' Mod Rod “Neither too fast nor too slow. It is an all-around perfect trout rod.” $250,

CYCLE UP A HILL “Understanding cadence is critical to riding hills,” says Jason Stawiski, a guide with Backroads. “Cadence is the number of pedal revolutions per minute; aim for 70 to 100. This lets you ride faster for longer without tiring and puts less strain on your knees. Shifting to easier gears on the uphills helps you maintain cadence. When tackling a climb, many riders push too hard too early. Instead, ease into your climb at a sustainable pace and speed up near the top.” 130 | July/August 2016

Yeti Cooler “Can’t control the weather or the fish, but you can have cold beer!” From $250,

J o e M o r a h a n / G e t t y I m a g e s (R o c k i e s), M a t t R a i n e y a n d M a t t Z u g a l ( p r o d u c t s)

Waterworks-Lamson Guru 2 II “Manages line well, has a strong drag, and can take a beating.” $210,

Weston Shirey rides White Rim Road, Canyonlands National Park, Utah.

RIDE WITH CONFIDENCE Most crashes happen on twisting downhills, says Weston Shirey, a guide with Western Spirit Cycling. “Guys have a death grip on the handlebar and have too much of their weight forward and they lose control.” Instead, use

a light grip with two fingers on the rear brake, and push your butt way back. If you do have to bail, scoot out the back and let go of the bike. He also advises standing up to scope the trail on flat and sloped terrain, which will also keep your muscles fresher over a long ride.

Paddleboard with More Power

W h i t R i c h a r d s o n (S h i r e y)

On a stand-up paddleboard, there’s an art and skill to going fast and falling the right way, says Tim Thornton of River Drifters, a rafting outfit in the U.S. Northwest.

1/ Strengthen Your Stroke Stagger your feet slightly and bend your knees. Try to stay relaxed so you can absorb the shocks of choppy water. Reach forward until both arms are just beyond 90 degrees; pull hard and end your stroke when your rear elbow is even with your torso. I L L U S T R AT I O N S B Y M I K E S U D A L

2/ Fall the Right Way If you lose your balance and find yourself falling off the board, try not to go feet first—you could hit rocks and hurt your legs. To avoid that fate, hang on to your paddle and try to make your body as parallel as possible to the water.

3/ Slide Back on Board Swim back perpendicular to your board; it won’t be a long swim if you’re wearing an ankle leash. Reach across the board, grab the edge farthest from you, and pull yourself on. Then spin around to face the right direction.

4/ Get On, Get Going From a kneeling position, put one foot flat in front of the other and push yourself up (like a lunge). Begin paddling immediately; this helps with balance and stability. You can also paddle from a lunge position if you need a lower center of gravity.

These nine Olympians are ripped and ready to achieve the ultimate sports goal. By Ben Court and Michael Easter Photographs by Peter Hapak p.132








JORDAN BURROUGHS (Left) 28, 5'8", 163 lb

50 pounds: Weight of the vest he wears to do pullups (his max is 37) “Wrestling is man versus man—there’s no hiding. But it’s not savage brutality. There’s art, skill, and technique to scoring within the rules. It requires total-body strength. That’s why I do lots of pullups and rope climbs as well as Olympic lifts, box jumps, and sled pushes. SWIMMING

RYAN LOCHTE 31, 6'2", 190 lb 5,480 miles: Distance he has swum in the past four years “I need power and endurance. Every week I swim 20 hours and work out for 10. Shoulder problems are common in swimmers. To strengthen mine, I do I, Y, and T raises— 3 sets of 10—daily: Hold light dumbbells. Bend over slightly, back straight. Raise your arms straight up [I], at a 30-degree angle [Y], and out to your sides [T].









TONY AZEVEDO 34, 6'1", 198 lb 24,480: Shots or passes he’s fired in practice the past nine months “Water polo is brutal: You get punched, tackled, and smacked. We’ve been wearing 12-pound weight belts for all water training. This forges fitness and explosiveness. The ability to do a lot of intense work and not get tired is critical. Weight circuits really help. When you’re exhausted in a game, you can still execute.”


MILES CHAMLEY WATSON 26, 6'4", 185 lb 4,000 calories: Amount he consumes daily, starting with oatmeal with honey, a spinach omelet, and yogurt with fruit

Grooming: Alicia Campbell/See Management, set design: Jon Powell/Rob Strauss Studio

â&#x20AC;&#x153;Fencing is explosive. Pinpoint-sharp footwork and strong legs are essential. Jumping rope helps. My go-to drill: as many consecutive doubleunders [page 36] as I can. My record is 250. Triple-unders? Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m up to 24.

July/August 2016 | 135

P A R A -J U D O

DARTANYON CROCKETt 25, 5'7", 205 lb 250 pounds: Weight he lifts when doing seated rows “You need crazy core strength, balance, flexibility, and grip for judo. I do a ton of grip work, including plate pinches. To strengthen your hands, put two 25-kilogram plates together and pinch them between your fingers and thumb for 30 to 60 seconds.” 136 | July/August 2016


DAVID BOUDIA 27, 5'9", 160 lb 5 feet: Height he uses for box jumps, done in supersets with 225-pound barbell squats “Diving is all strength; there’s no cardio. To help control my body in the air, I train my core six times a week with variations of this type of drill: 60 seconds each of crunches, side crunches, planks, side planks, and butt-ups—lie on your back with your legs vertical and raise your glutes.


JEFFREy & STEVEN GLUCKSTEIN 23, 5'10", 145 lb; 26, 5'7", 146 lb 350: Somersaults each brother does every training session “We’re flying 30 feet, high enough to do four somersaults. It demands a lot of posterior-chain strength. We train six days a week and do Pilates and CrossFit twice a week. One of our favorite workouts: 40 toes-to-bar reps [hang from a pullup bar and raise your toes to it], 100-foot sled push, and 10 power hang cleans with 150 pounds. Repeat for 15 minutes.” 138 | July/August 2016


STEVEN LOPEZ 37, 6'2", 184 lb 1,200: Number of leg strikes he executes every weekday “In tae kwon do, strength and power will get you only so far; you need flexibility too. That makes it easier to kick your foot to your opponent’s face. I warm up for every workout with 15 minutes of active flexibility drills, like knees-up marches, leg lifts, and of course high kicks.”

When you’re a comedic hammer, everybody starts looking like a nail. And even at age 90, he has no plans to stop pounding. BY ERIC SPITZNAGEL

DON RICKLES: What? What is it you want? MEN’S HEALTH: Just to hear your sweet voice,

140 | July/August 2016

O B A N Q U I N H O ( l o g o ) , M a r t i n S c h o e l l e r /A u g u s t I m a g e s ( R i c k l e s )

“EVERYONE WANTS TO GET SHIT ON BY DON Rickles,” Sarah Silverman once said. It’s true. Being mocked by Rickles is our equivalent of being knighted by the Queen. It’s an honor, but you’re a fool if you take it too seriously. For half a century, Rickles—who recently celebrated his 90th birthday—has been America’s favorite curmudgeon, the cranky old bastard with zero patience for anybody. And even when he’s culturally out of touch, you still root for him. “Being funny is like being a pretty girl,” Chris Rock said in a documentary about Rickles. “You just get away with a lot of shit.” The best Rickles stories seem to be about things that happened off the clock, when he was just having fun with (or at the expense of) his friends. Like years ago, when he brought a woman to dinner at the Sands in Vegas and she noticed Frank Sinatra at a nearby table. To impress his starstruck date, Rickles slipped over to Sinatra and asked if he could swing by and say hello. Minutes later, Sinatra walked over to their table: “Don, how the hell are you?” “Not now, Frank,” Rickles shot back, loudly. “Can’t you see I’m with somebody?” We called Rickles at his home in California, expecting the worst. To our absolute delight, that’s exactly what we got.

Mr. Rickles. Yeah, okay. Have we ever met before? Who is this? What magazine is this for again? Men’s Health. Men’s what? Men’s Health? That’s right. You obviously have the wrong number. [Rickles hangs up. We immediately call back.] You’re sure you want to do this? We’re sure. If you ask me how many pushups I do, I’m hanging up again. We want to talk about comedy! Do you remember the first time you got a laugh? Are you kidding me? That was 90 years ago. Why do you think I’d remember that? I’m not that kind of guy. I can’t remember something that happened 90 years ago. You got your first laugh when you were born? What? No, I didn’t say that. You weren’t coming out of your mom making wisecracks? Maybe, I don’t know. Talk to the doctor. I don’t think I was a funny fetus. It’s possible. I was funny at school. I remember this one time, I was taking a test, and it was a really important test. I was leaning over to the girl sitting at the desk next to me, looking at her answers. The teacher saw me, and he walked over and said, “Mr. Rickles, what are you doing?” I looked up at him and said, “I’m cheating!” That’s great. The whole class laughed, just like you’re laughing. Even the teacher enjoyed it. He just nodded and said, “Okay then,” and kept on walking. Is that when you knew, “Yep, this is it. This is what I’m doing for the rest of my life”? No. I was a kid. How the hell would I know what I wanted to do with my life? Well, you got that reinforcement. Your peers laughed. The teacher didn’t punish you. Being funny didn’t feel like magic? But funny didn’t mean anything. It was just my personality. It was just the way I looked at

the world. And it didn’t always help me. When I was in the navy, I was the funny one, and it never helped me. I told my jokes, and my commanders just said, “Whatever, keep firing.” What about in social situations? Were you always the one getting the girl? The opposite. We’d go out, a bunch of navy guys looking for girls, and the girls all ignored me. I ended up being the driver. I think girls were afraid of me. Why? I think they thought I’d make fun of them. You didn’t? Well, sometimes. But it was harmless. Just a crack here or there. Can you blame them for being afraid? We can’t think of anything more horrifying than being naked in front of Don Rickles. Well, don’t worry, it’s never happening for you. We always hear that women want a guy with a sense of humor, but for you that wasn’t the case? Being funny, it was never a move for me. It wasn’t something I was doing to impress anybody. It was just my personality. I was shy, so I cracked the jokes. And it drove the women away. I was 38 years old before I got married. I’ve been married to Barbara now, God bless her, for 52 years. When you first met, did she think you were funny? Not at all. I met Barbara when she was the secretary for my picture agent. Your what? My agent. For the pictures. What are you, deaf? Oh, oh, okay. We didn’t understand “pictures.” You mean movies. Yes, movies. Jesus. Try to keep up. She worked for your agent for the talking picture shows? [Beat.] Oh, you want to tangle, do you? [Laughs.] No, no, sorry, sorry. You were saying? I come in and Barbara stops me, asks who I am. And I tell her, “I’m a butcher. I want to know if he wants porterhouse or sirloin.” She didn’t even crack a smile. She just said, “Being a wise guy won’t get you in to see him.” I asked her out right then and there. CONTINUED ON P. 162

Being funny was never a move for me. I was shy, so I cracked the jokes. And it drove the women away.â&#x20AC;?



Americans are succumbing to a gnawing sense of dread about the future. To regain our optimism, we donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t need to be naive. Just prepared. By Eric Spitznagel / Illustrations by Michael Byers / p.143

Food Shortage Deadly Meteorite The Fear “What a lovely day! Not a cloud in the sky. Wait, what’s that up there? It almost looks like. . . Is that the moon? No, it’s getting bigger. Really big. I wonder if I should call somebody. . .”

One notable disaster-related food crunch was during New York’s Blizzard of 2015, which led to a citywide kale shortage. We can all agree: Probably a good thing. Still, stocking up on pre-disaster provisions to avoid being a victim of price gouging isn’t a bad idea. Aim for a week’s worth. “And get the high-calorie stuff,” says Tim MacWelch, author of Prepare for Anything Survival Manual. “Survival is all about calories.”

The Reality Despite many wild claims and rumors, a meteorite has struck a human only once in recorded history. In 1954, Ann Hodges was minding her own business and taking a couch nap in her Alabama home when an 8½-pound meteorite ripped through her roof, ricocheted off a radio, and slammed into her hip. She survived with an insane bruise and bragging rights. Astronomer Phil Plait, Ph.D., says small meteorites—about 3 feet in diameter— hit our planet roughly once a month.

Nuclear War

The Fear Russia is rumored to be developing an underwater drone that fires nuclear missiles. Former foreign minister Igor Ivanov says the chance of an all-out nuclear shit show “is higher than in the 1980s.” Fantastic! If you need us, we’ll be under our desks.

Mass Shooting

The Fear That quiet guy at the office who seems so stressed? Hopefully you remembered to say hello to him. It’s only a matter of time before he comes to work with a semiautomatic weapon and murders everybody on his enemies list.

Plane Crash

The Fear Flying is the safest way to travel. There isn’t a safety expert alive who says, “Only an idiot with a death wish would get on an airplane.” But most of us have had concerns stepping into a large metal tube from which there is no escape.

What to Do Nothing. You almost certainly will not be hit by a meteorite. Your bigger concern is a massive meteor (say, 10 miles across) slamming into Earth and blotting out the sun. Then we’re all in trouble. Just ask the dinosaurs. The scary truth is we don’t know much about what’s hurtling toward us. “You’d need six to 12 huge telescopes dedicated to monitoring the skies,” says Plait. What’s in our favor is the size of our planet. If a meteorite hits you, you’re either super unlucky or the universe had it in for you.

The Reality There’s a 6.8 percent probability that a catastrophic nuclear conflict will happen in the next 25 years, killing more people—about 80 million radioactive corpses—than the entire death toll of World War II, according to a poll of 50 top security experts.

What to Do Study the issues and cast your votes for politicians who have demonstrated a firm grasp of international politics. Or pack up and move to a country like New Zealand, says Seth Baum, Ph.D., executive director of the Global Catastrophic Risk Institute. “As an island country in the Southern Hemisphere, New Zealand will be largely spared from the nuclear winter that would follow any moderately large nuclear war.”

The Reality Mass shootings have gone from shocking to commonplace. According to the FBI, 160 “active shooter incidents” took place between 2000 and 2013, with an average of 12 per year. Only 10 U.S. states were incident-free in that time.

What to Do If you’re in a building that’s under siege by a gun-wielding maniac, don’t just hide and wait for help, says counterterrorism and security expert Alon Stivi. “Most deaths happen in the first five or 10 minutes, before the police arrive,” he says. If you can’t get out safely, either by the exits or a window, Stivi suggests hiding with others next to the door, ready to act together to disarm the shooter as the door opens.

The Reality Getting out of bed is riskier. Based on domestic-flight data from 2014, the odds of dying on a commercial flight are one in 38 million. Last year was one of the safest in aviation history, with only 136 deaths worldwide. But that still may not quell your fears.

What to Do The best seats are over the wings, not because they’re safer during a crash but because you’ll feel less turbulence—and less anxiety. No matter where you sit, says Ron Nielsen, a retired airline pilot who conducts workshops on overcoming flying anxiety, the best safety precaution is to keep your seatbelt fastened. It will protect you from serious injury if the plane encounters violent turbulence.

VIOLENT RIOTS The Fear You are a law-abiding citizen. It’s not like you go out looking for trouble. You just want to socialize with your pals in public, maybe have a few brews and not get teargassed by cops wearing riot gear. Is that too much to ask? So you pick an innocent and family-friendly annual event—like, oh, let’s say a pumpkin festival in the great state of New Hampshire. Nothing bad could happen there, right? It’s New Hampshire! Certainly there wouldn’t be any drunken vandalism or Subarus flipped over or public fires or beer cans thrown at police. No way that’s happening at a pumpkin festival. In New Hampshire. Unless we’re talking about the 2014 Pumpkin Festival in Keene, New Hampshire. Because that is exactly what happened.

The Reality Riots break out for surprising reasons: a favorite sports team was victorious, a block party was canceled, a rock festival is charging $4 for bottled water, or a university decided to fire the football coach. People don’t always need noble justifications to set cars on fire and loot local businesses. But riots aren’t as deadly as they were back in the 19th century. At the 1863 Draft Riot, over 115 people were murdered in New York City by protesters pissed off about the Civil War. Today, being at a riot probably won’t get you killed, but you might end up on the receiving end of some well-aimed pepper spray. But you do have to be ready to explain to your wife that you need bail money because you were so excited your favorite team unexpectedly won a game.

What to Do If you’ve been drawn into a rampaging mob that you didn’t intend to be a part of, your best defense is to respond like a swimmer caught in a riptide. Don’t fight the current; you’ll only be sucked in. “You need to go with the flow because that saves you physical energy,” says survival expert MacWelch, who’s also the founder of the Advanced Survival Training school in Fredricksburg, Virginia. “If you can, swim along a diagonal and try to get toward the edges.” That’s how you’ll find the “unorthodox exits,” he says. You’re not getting out of there by being the guy who says, “Excuse me, can I get past you? I’m not a riot guy.” You escape by slowly getting to the outside and inconspicuously stepping away at the first opportunity. July/August 2016 | 145

SHARKS & KILLER BEES The Fear We’ve always been a little uneasy about bees and sharks. They’re the assholes of the animal kingdom. For goodness sake, what’s up with all the lousy stinging and biting? What’s worse is that over the past decade, they’ve upped their game. In 2014, a mob of some 800,000 killer bees attacked and killed a gardener in Arizona because they didn’t like the sound of his lawnmower. As for sharks, 98 unprovoked attacks—the highest on record for a single year—took place worldwide in 2015. Even scarier are the people who’ve been bitten by sharks and decide to share the experience on social media, like the Hawaii spear fisherman who lost a chunk of his leg to a 13-foot tiger shark and then posted a video of his bleeding leg on Instagram. 146 | July/August 2016

The Reality Killer bees, a lethal hybrid of African and European honeybees, can be deadly—especially to people who are allergic to bee stings—because their aggressiveness can lead to many more stings than a victim would get from other, more docile bee species. “They have a bad temper,” says Joshua Kohn, Ph.D., a professor of biology at UC San Diego. “If they feel threatened, more of them come out and they attack for longer.” They’ve also been known to chase prey for a quarter of a mile. Sharks, by comparison, are less aggressive. In fact, despite the high number of attacks last year, only six people died because of a hungry shark, according to the International Shark Attack File at the Florida Museum of Natural History.

What to Do Killer bees can be easily provoked. “Sometimes you’re working with a power tool and some nearby hive feels threatened,” says Kohn. To survive, act fast. Run inside a building; don’t curl up in a ball or jump into a swimming pool. “They’ll stay mad a lot longer than you can hold your breath,” Kohn says. You’re going to get stung; it’s just a matter of how many times. The average person can withstand 10 stings per pound of body weight, according to the USDA. Sharks are easier to avoid. Stay out of the water between dusk and dawn, when sharks hunt, and “leave the bling at home,” says George Burgess, director of shark research at the Florida Museum of Natural History. The way it reflects sunlight makes it look similar to fish scales.

GETTING DRUGGED & ROBBED It’s true—men are sometimes targeted by sexy women with sinister motives. The U.S. State Department even warns overseas travelers about “overly friendly” locals. So practice discretion. If you’re wearing a watch that costs more than a year’s college tuition, maybe don’t accept drinks from strange women. General rule: If you’re in an unfamiliar country and it’s after midnight, now is not the best time to make new friends.


Climate Change

Illegal Aliens

Financial Ruin

The Fear Economist Andrew Smithers warns that U.S. stocks are now about 80 percent overvalued, and the Royal Bank of Scotland predicts that 2016 will be a “cataclysmic” year for markets. Mark Spitznagel, a hedge fund manager and the author of The Dao of Capital, says we’re heading into “a catastrophic deflationary crash. Think 2008 all over again, only worse.”

The Reality

The Fear It’s just a matter of time before a viral outbreak like Zika rivals the bubonic plague (which killed more than 25 million in the 1300s) or the 1918 Spanish flu, which infected half the world’s population and killed as many as 100 million.

The Reality Some 68 percent of medical experts surveyed in 2006 predicted that a major pandemic will happen in the next 45 years. “In the past 50 years, we’ve had over 300 pathogens newly emerge or reemerge,” says science journalist Sonia Shah.

What to Do You’re not as helpless as you think. “These things only spread through human behaviors,” says Shah. “We don’t know much about how Zika makes you sick, but we know it’s carried by mosquitoes and transmitted through sex.” Since viruses can’t move around without a host, you can prevent their spread by taking simple precautions. Want to increase your odds of staying safe? Slather on mosquito repellent.

The Fear Glaciers are melting. Heat waves are more frequent. California is so dry that a long shower can get you fined. There are more wildfires, stronger hurricanes, and plenty of blowhards saying, “Hot enough for you?” Are we all doomed? Sure feels like it.

The Reality Since we’ve written this, predictions about climate change have probably become even more dire. Ninetyseven percent of scientists who don’t take advice from politicians say this: Climate change is real, and we’re completely screwed.

What to Do Unless humanity rallies, climate change might kill your descendants. But it probably won’t kill you. What will: a heart attack brought on by arguing with global-warming deniers. A study of heart attack patients found that those who experienced intense anger, involving anything from “clenching fists or teeth” to “throwing objects,” were 8½ times more likely to have a heart attack in the following two hours.

The Fear An estimated 11.3 million unauthorized immigrants are in the United States, and Donald Trump suggested that they’re “bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists.” He wouldn’t just make up something like that, would he?

The Reality “Our research shows that there is no evidence to support claims that immigrants are either more likely or less likely to commit crimes than anyone else,” says Jessica Vaughan, director of policy studies for the Center for Immigration Studies.

What to Do Relax. A 2013 survey of registered voters reveals that about 4 percent believe intergalactic lizard people are secretly running our government. What do lizard people have to do with undocumented immigrants? “It’s essentially the same anxiety,” says Joseph Uscinski, Ph.D., a political scientist at the University of Miami. “It comes from the same fear.” Meaning, the fear of foreigners who secretly want to destroy us.

The market shouldn’t ruin you unless your entire nest egg is invested in stocks. In that case, put down this magazine and call your financial advisor. No, if you wake up penniless tomorrow, it’ll be because you don’t have enough money socked away. According to a 2015 Federal Reserve Board report, 47 percent of us would be financially hosed if faced with an emergency costing just $400.

What to Do Start saving cash now—hell, $401 puts you ahead of the pathetic pack. A few bucks a week adds up. If there’s another collapse, you’ll have the dough to buy stocks cheap. And pay off credit cards, says Mark Cuban, the Shark Tank star and billionaire owner of the NBA’s Dallas Mavericks. It’s an investment. You’ll “earn” the amount of interest you would have paid, he says.

Salty vets Jon Leicester (far left) and Brian Burres high-ďŹ ve catcher Angel Flores after he scores a run.

Some men sacrifice everything for love. Others, like the men you’re about to meet, do it for the love of the game. By Oliver Broudy / Photographs by Nathan Perkel / p.149

Discord reigns in the clubhouse of the Southern Maryland Blue Crabs. At issue is one of the clubhouse rules, namely whether pooping is allowed on the bus. “Hey, sometimes you gotta go,” says 31-year-old lefty pitcher Scott Maine. “No poopin’ on the bus,” insists fellow pitcher Brian Burres. The clubhouse is the nexus of any baseball team. Barcaloungers and beat-up sofas circle a fuzzy flat-screen TV. A coffeemaker burbles on the minifridge, bare but for two giant cookies and a lone Doggie Style Pale Ale. We have come here today for a very specific reason: to find out whether the love of the game still exists in our era of multimillion-dollar contracts and performance-enhancing drugs. Think about it: Who loves baseball anymore? Once the national pastime, it’s now regarded as a slow, sleepy sport, increasingly out of step with our frenetic times. The ascendant sport these days is some ninja deal where spandex-clad contestants leap around among giant styrofoam blocks.

And we might even be able to live with that if in losing baseball we were not also losing all that goes with it. Lazy summers at the ballpark, dads spending time with their sons and daughters. An American tradition. Something of that tradition continues with the Southern Maryland Blue Crabs. The Crabs belong to an independent league that operates in the empty spaces between Long Island, New York, and Sugar Land, Texas. While half the current roster played in the big leagues at some point, today these guys are all more than a few phone calls away from the Show. Most sleep in the basements of host families— retirees and empty nesters with a fondness for baseball and beds to spare. Occasionally they go four to a basement. Like migrant workers, separated from their loved ones, they earn between $800 and $3,000 a month. But this is precisely why we are here and not, say, in a major league clubhouse. Or even AAA. Because clearly no one is forcing these players to keep playing. So why else would they do it if not for the love of the game? The question gives pause. Because either they are all crazy and have their priorities backward, or the rest of us do.

“I will poop on the fuckin’ bus.” That’s Maine again. It’s not the kind of comment a rookie could get away with. But Maine has played with the Chicago Cubs and the Cleveland Indians. What’s more, he may be a bit unhinged. About 10 years ago he crashed his ’03 Dodge Dakota doing 165 mph on the freeway. Today he has three plates in his head, and seven screws. So one might reasonably wonder if one of them is loose. But Burres’s word goes a long way in an argument of this sort. A 35-year-old lefty, Burres is notable for his long hair (“It gives me a little sass”), the way he sweats from his left armpit before every game, and how hard it is to tell if he’s joking sometimes. Not in this case, however. “No. Pooping. On. The. Bus.” “If I gotta poop, it’s coming out,” Maine replies. Here another player steps in. This would be Cody Eppley. Eppley, 30, has played with the Yankees and is more regulation than Burres, who has a buccaneer swagger. But he’s also prone to some classic baseball tics; a highly ritualized sequence of mandatory behaviors governs his performance on the mound. He showers at least five times a day. “Not on the bus,” Eppley says. Maine tries another tack. “I have stomach problems.” Jon Leicester, righty pitcher, age 37, lets the talk flow over him. Ginger-haired, voice low like a boat engine, Les has a gentlemanly languor about him. In him is contained all the sleepy ease of baseball. But there’s a slyness, too, there in the eyes. Les throws a downright filthy slider. Les is flanked by two of the youngest players on the team, Michael Snyder, 26, and Carlos Gonzalez, 22. Snyder reminds you of a bouncy kid brother who somehow hasn’t yet realized that he’s 6'4", 240 pounds. Unnerving on first encounter, the giant Virginian has a straight-up sentimental interior, and he quickly grows on you. Usually to be found at first base, he inscribes his grandfather’s initials in the dirt behind him before every game. As for Gonzalez, he doesn’t speak much English other than “remember,” which he repeats as he shows you photos of all the baseball greats he keeps on his phone. Gonzalez will be gone in a day or two, traded to the Frontier League, along with a rookie who can’t control his 100 mph fastball. It’s part of Les’s job to serve as a mentor for guys like Snyder and Gonzalez. He knows things that 25-year-olds don’t. He’s got what they call “salt.” 150 | July/August 2016

“There’s vet and then there’s salt,” Burres explains. “We’re in the salt stage.” “Way too old to be here,” says Les. Les has played in Mexico, Taiwan, the Dominican Republic, Japan, and Venezuela. His walkout song is “I’ve Been Everywhere” by Johnny Cash. He’s pitched in the big leagues too, where most players are still aiming. Not Les. “Keep your expectations low,” Les says. “That’s the salt talkin’,” the players say. Les can advise on most things baseball, like how to get by on an $18 per diem (a roast chicken from the local supermarket will cover two squares), how to negotiate a salary (ask for double what you’re worth), and, of course, how to pitch. Les’s pitching philosophy takes shape around a single edict: Stick to your strengths. It sounds simple enough, but as a pitcher there’s always the temptation to overadapt to the hitter and get lured away from what you do best. It’s never a good idea to let someone else define who you are. Even giving up a homer doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a bad pitcher or that you threw a bad pitch. Good pitches don’t always find the glove. Bad pitches don’t always end up in the bleachers. “That’s life too,” Les says. “You could make all the right choices and something bad happens. It doesn’t mean your choices were bad. It was just a bad outcome.”

Aboard the bus, Burres is pushing banana bread. The four loaves, wrapped in foil, come courtesy of his host mom, Desiree, a compulsive baker. “I got banana bread for everybody, freshly baked eight hours ago. Anybody?”


Michael Snyder Infielder, age 26 “Of course I want to be in affiliate ball. Everyone does. But to have the chance to come here and love the game again like I do right now? It’s been a complete 180. I can’t wait to get up to go to the field.” Jason Funkhouser Right-handed pitcher, age 25 “Running as hard as I can, throwing as hard as I can, the way it feels when I hit the ball, catching the ball and seeing it go into the mitt, throwing the ball and hearing the pop of the glove, making a diving catch.”




“With Thunder from Down Under!” says Teresa Gruchacz, with a little too much enthusiasm. “It’s all Australians.” The team trainer, she is known to linger in the clubhouse a bit longer than necessary when the players are changing. Les, meanwhile, is a car guy. “It’s an infinitely buildable object,” he says. His favorite rebuild: a ’63 Chevy Nova Super Sport that he recently sold for the meager liquidity. He’s reaching a point where he may also have to sell his ’98 Ford F-150 with the bumped-up suspension and roll cage. It’s not street legal, but it’s fun as hell tooling through the ravines and riverbeds around the Salton Sea, two hours east of his home in Southern California. Given the sheer yardage of his résumé—Les has played for more than 20 teams—coaching is always an option, but it’s a mixed bag. You get to stay near the game you love, but the money’s not great and you still have to travel. And sometimes being near what you love is more painful than being miles away. The last time Les asked an old skipper about coaching jobs, he was nearly shouted off the phone: Don’t stop playing until they tear the jersey off your back. “You hear that enough and you go, ‘Okay, there’s something to it,’” Les says. Besides, there’s always the possibility that Mexico might call, like last year. In Mexico a guy can earn triple what he’d get with the Crabs, maybe even quadruple. Ironically, the most money Les ever made wasn’t in the majors. It was Japan, also his greatest regret. He was a mere six hours into free agency when the Orix Buffaloes called and offered half a million. Les went for the easy money instead of risking the open market. Next thing he knew, he was on the other side of the world, farther from the big leagues than he’d been since A ball. Almost as bad, he didn’t know any of the other players. In baseball that’s everything. Not just because as a pitcher it helps to know how everyone hits, but because the game itself is a brotherhood, a network of guys who—regardless of the team they play on—rely on each other to help make sense of the game. And what’s the point of a brotherhood to which you can’t ever really belong? After two years, Les came back. By then he was almost forgotten and barely squeaked into AAA ball, in the Padres system. He believes he still has the chops for the majors. The question is whether anyone will give him a chance. “Why would I bring in this guy?” Les asks, channeling the typical scout. “He’s going to give us, what, a year? Two years? When I could bring in this other guy who’s 26 and, if he can just figure it out, could be a Hall of Famer.” From right: Nellie, Snod, Garceau, D Thompson, and Snyder (seen above taking a cut).

“Shut up with the banana bread,” says Maine. “It’s not banana bread. It’s sugar bread.” Scott Snodgress, 26, solemn and skyscraper-tall, decided to play ball instead of leverage his econ degree from Stanford. He’s kind of the opposite of Snyder, monkish and lean where Snyder bulges like a can under pressure. Now, however, Snod goes against character and breaks off a sizable hunk of banana bread. “Oh wow,” Burres remarks, admiringly. “Yeah.” “Get you some, Snod!” Snyder blurts, deeply impressed. Several hours later the bus pulls up at the clubhouse in York, Pennsylvania, and the players pile out. The place looks much the same as the Crab clubhouse, with open lockers, a few pieces of jumbo furniture, and Catwoman on the TV. Currently, Bryant Nelson, a.k.a. Nellie, righty infielder, age 42, is trying to sell Joe Walsh, the 58-year-old volunteer first base coach, on what he claims is an all-natural human growth hormone pill regimen. Nellie has knocked around more than most, but his greatest ambition remains finding a way to bring baseball into the inner city. A retired FBI guy, Joe has spent the good part of the past 31 years fighting drugs and gangs. Craggy, with a hard Boston accent and a gait that rolls around his titanium hip, he’s all cop and all ballplayer. It’s funny how the two overlap. After a while, the ancient ballplayers, like Nellie, begin to stand like cops. On any given street corner you might not be able to tell the difference. It seems everyone here has some kind of alternative income or backup plan. Burres hustles rookies at Booray, a trick-based card game. Shaun Garceau, righty pitcher, age 28, recently attended a seminar on how to flip houses. He’s also considering becoming a male stripper.

1. Don’t quit while you can still play. 2. Tip well when you can, and take care of your rookies. 3. That said, rookies double up on the bus. Even if a row is empty. 4. If you’re gonna drink a beer, bring a beer. 5. Please do not approach the pre- and/or postgame spread of sandwich meats with your dangles unholstered, because that’s gross. 6. You can’t say “That’s what she said” to your own comment. No. Not allowed. Rely on your teammates. 7. Spit all you want in the dugout, but for the love of all that’s holy put gum in the trash, lest the team get cobwebbed on a hot day. 8. You only need two pairs of jeans. One gets mustard on them, wash those and wear the other. Even if you have three, you’re not gonna wear the third because you like the first two better. 9. You don’t walk back to the clubhouse alone, because then everyone thinks you’re a loser and have no friends. You might as well take your clothes off and streak. 10. No pooping on the bus.

July/August 2016 | 151

As the average age of major league players dips, older players are increasingly pushed into indy ball. This is what the Crabs are all about: They’re salty players that the system has spit out. Guys who have the talent but aren’t interested in grooming cocky upstarts who took a $4 million signing bonus right out of high school. Guys who have been jerked around enough to know they’ll probably never get called up but despite it all still love to play the game.

It’s an hour before the first pitch in York, the first game of the season. From home plate comes the steady bark of bats making contact as the home team, the Revolution, takes BP. The stands hold the field in a semi-embrace, blocking out the world. There are no phones on the field or in the dugout, nor any of the people or things they connect to. What you get is all that’s here. That and a church spire and the tops of five budding trees. This is what it’s all about. The hollow knock of a solid hit. The ermine scamper of the ball. The sun like a child’s yellow scribble in the sky. In the dugout a jumbo tub of Dubble Bubble and a bucket of sunflower seeds waits on the bench. The players dribble in and line up along the bar for a long drink of baseball. “Keith, what happened to your hair?” says Eppley, calling over to the opposite dugout. “Wait, that’s Keith?” says Les. “That’s not Keith.” “That’s Keith.” “That’s definitely not Keith.” The conversation continues, desultory, amused. Mostly it’s Les, Burres, and Eppley trying to figure out whether a player in the opposite dugout is Keith Castillo, a.k.a. the Nightstalker, who played with the Crabs last year and was known for his unwholesome mullet and Captain Morgan mustache. The nickname derived from the cologne he wore, which wasn’t called Nightstalker but something like that. Eventually the game begins. Garceau is pitching and not terribly well. “Fuck my life,” he is heard to mutter. The players stand at the dugout railing and season the dirt with tobacco juice and sunflower seed shells, quoting baseball movies. “Why does he keep calling me ‘meat’? I drive a Porsche.” The Keith question resurfaces, ensnaring more players, but the discussion is cut short by a soaring York homer. “Aieeee,” says Les. The third out is made. The players rattle in from the field. Snyder steps up to the plate and skies the ball toward a small white cloud. When it goes, a little piece of you goes with it. Alas, it finds the left fielder’s mitt. The game is always opening outward. You never know what’s going to happen. Stepping onto the field is like stepping onto a vast scale. Altering a single detail can have far-reaching consequences. Like the stitching on the ball, which for patriotic reasons changed from red to alternating red and blue sometime last year. Since then hitters have had a harder time identifying fastballs, usually denoted by a red blur. In baseball, the small stuff matters. The York Revolution wins this game, 9-0. “We were in it till we weren’t,” Les says.

You can tell exactly how old a guy was when he broke into the big leagues, because his development is basically arrested at that age. Thus the highest accolade you can receive in the bigs is a pie in the face from your teammates. 152 | July/August 2016

This is Les’s favorite memory. He was in Anaheim with the Cubs. The game had gone long. Greg Maddux was in the bullpen, so Les was pretty sure he wasn’t going to play. But then the call came, and he pitched the 13th, 14th, and 15th innings and got the win. His teammates pied him in the clubhouse. Just some whipped cream on a paper plate. “I was like, sweet!” It was only a few days after his first outing, which hadn’t gone quite so well. The first player Les faced was Scott Rolen of the Cardinals, a star. To his own astonishment, he struck Rolen out. So he was feeling pretty good about himself when Jim Edmonds came to the plate. The first pitch was up and in. The second Edmonds sent on a long voyage to parts unknown. But the most painful part of this memory is that ESPN caught a really nice close-up of the head whip Les did as the ball screamed past him, which left him looking like a yokel. Then the anchors at ESPN thought it’d be funny if they just kept replaying it. Lesson learned. Salt acquired. When the ball is hit that hard, you don’t look. Usually you can tell if it’s gone just by the sound. “Sometimes it’s not bad to see how far it goes,” Burres observes. “Or watch the replay: Like, oh. It hit the catwalk.” “I think it’s just important that your shoulders turn with your head,” says Les. Burres’s first inning in the big leagues may have been even more memorable. He’d just been called up; he arrived at the hotel and a couple other players invited him out for beers. “I was like, no. Not going. It’s my first day, not gonna do it.” But his new buddies kept pressing. And besides, he wasn’t supposed to pitch the next day, so... Cut to a few hours later. Burres, at the bar. The Yankees are in town—the ’06 Yankees, all superstars—and Burres is mingling and pounding down beers. “I got way too into it. Yeah, I’m here! I’ve wanted to be here my whole life! So why not ruin it?” Gets up the next morning. Still drunk. Gets to the field. Starts slamming coffee. Throws in the bullpen and doesn’t miss a spot. “Control guy, huh?” the pitching coach says. So he’s feeling a little better despite feeling awful. And he keeps slamming coffee. Then it’s the ninth and it’s: Get Burres. “And my heart is going as fast as it’s ever gone in my life.” The first hitter is Sal Fasano. Backup catcher, always been


Scott Snodgress Left-handed pitcher, age 26 “It’s something that kids enjoy doing. Why would I stop doing that if I don’t have to? I can always go get a job and earn a paycheck. As long as I still believe I can pitch in the majors and contribute and fulfill that dream, I’ll keep playing because that’s what I’ve been driven to do my whole life.”

Clockwise from left: Pitcher Orlando Santos hanging, Les snacking, Garceau greeting.

Every player comes from somewhere. And usually they’re not too happy at

the thought of going back. As Nellie puts it, “You wanna go back to being an intern again? You want to go from making $30,000 to $2,000? Excuse my language: Fuck no.” Burres still remembers getting busted for taking too many meatballs at a postgame spread when he was with the Norwich Navigators. And we’re not talking about particularly large meatballs. Maybe half-inch diameter, tops. But the manager had done the math and allotted three to a player. Les remembers the skin infields from his low-A days—all dirt, so you couldn’t even tell where the mound was. Put your head down and you’d lose it. Snyder remembers a clubhouse in Bakersfield, California, that consisted of two double-wides. The water in the shower went up to your ankles. From there, the big leagues are a whole different world. In the big leagues, you throw your jersey over your shoulder and it never touches the floor. (In the minors they vacuum around it.) In the big leagues, you get the Robb Report in the clubhouse instead of, say, some men’s magazine packed with deep caches of hard-won wisdom and all manner of salty tips. Les’s lowest point was probably Clinton, Iowa. He was with the Lansing Lugnuts—the Nuts—and earning maybe $1,000 a month. They were playing the Clinton LumberKings. It was the middle of summer, hot as hell, and so humid you could barely breathe. Naturally, the clubhouse didn’t have AC, so guys were putting chairs under the showers and just sitting there. Worst of all was the smell. Because there was a Purina dog-food factory nearby. Anyone who has ever played there remembers. “It smelled like straight ass,” Garceau says. And the smell would just hang there in the back of your throat. It was like you had just walked into a fat man’s belch, one of those big meaty ones that smells like the inside of a hot dog. And you can’t wave it away. It’s like you have literally taken up residence inside the belch. It was here, in Clinton, on a ball field surrounded by chain-link fence, that Les began his professional career as a pitcher. He got one out and gave up eight runs. “It’s seared in my mind,” Les says. “Smell does that.”

around, slower bat. Burres throws him a cutter, hangs it a bit, and Fasano, just missing, pops up to left. One down. And then Burres feels this trickle coming from his nose. Blood. Both nostrils. Like he’s so amped to finally be playing in the big leagues, and his blood pressure is so jacked from all the coffee, and his nasal membranes so desiccated from the hotel air that his blood decides to take this moment to jump the gate and squirt all over his jersey, which is, mercifully, black. He’s pretty sure the batter can’t see it, but the TV cameras sure as hell do and zoom in for a good look. What happens next is a bit of a blur. Burres gives up an infield hit to a fast rookie who beats it out to first. The next guy is a veteran first baseman. And with 2 million people gawping at his gory debut, it’s all Burres can do to deliver one fastball after another right down the middle. Until, of course, boom. Two-run homer. “I honestly thought I was never gonna play the big leagues again. I thought I was going to get sent home after the game.”

The bus rolls on, bound for Lancaster, Pennsylvania, and another loss. A day later, the Crabs are back in the shell. Despite the losses, the players are sanguine. At this point in the season they’re just getting a feel for the game. Besides, they play York again this afternoon, and with Les on the mound the outcome could be different. Meantime, in the clubhouse, another weighty issue is being considered: Is it PEE-can or p’CON? Missing from the debate is Gonzalez, whose locker has been taken by Kuan-Jen Chen, a.k.a. Mattie, a 34-year-old Taiwanese outfielder who just got in last night. Les and Burres know Mattie already, from when they played over there. Les is slouched in front of the TV. The story of his father’s suicide emerges casually, from a discussion about tattoos. Some players, like Zach Wilson, are well inked. Les considered getting a tattoo of his father’s name CONTINUED ON P. 162

10 A




1. Yeti makes a fine coffee mug. 2. When you get a contract, invest in a memory foam mattress. You will wake up in the same position you fell asleep in. Soaks up the drool pretty good too. 3. Instead of hitting the bars, stay home and play video games. It will prolong your career. 4. Only buy flags made in the USA. 5. Don’t blow your per diem playing cards with Burres. Especially Booray. He will own you. 6. Do not under any circumstances eat scrapple. Not even to be polite, because then someone will ask if you want more. 7. It’s “hold.” Not “hole.” A player is on deck or he is in the hold. The derivation is nautical. 8. Worst place to pitch: Colorado. The air there is so thin they’ve got special humidors to soften up the balls so they won’t travel as far. 9. If you do pitch in Colorado, wet a little corner of your jersey before you head out. The high altitude sucks the moisture right out of you, and you might not be able to lick your fingers. 10. If you’re a lefty and need to go 165 on the freeway, don’t wear a seatbelt. It will fuck up your shoulder when you crash.

July/August 2016 | 153

The Workouts P. 156

Summer Fitness Made Easy Pack on brawn and shed fat with this twicea-week workout. P. 158

Your No-Gym, No-Excuses Plan Use this no-weights routine to build your best body—anywhere! P. 160

The Strength Move That Increases Speed Forge raw horsepower with this exercise.

“Everything I do— surfing, biking, and running—takes place outdoors, so I train in nature.” Alec Musser, triathlete


July/August 2016 | 155

The Workouts

Summer Muscle Made Easy The gym is no place to spend your summer. This two-day-a-week lifting plan from Los Angeles trainer Ben Bruno delivers the minimum dose of what you need to build muscle and shed fat. You’ll cut down on your indoor workout time, so you’ll have more opportunity to get out and enjoy the sunny days.

1 Dumbbell Low-Incline Bench Press

2 Chest-Supported Batwing Row

Lie on a bench with the backrest set to a low incline. Hold a pair of dumbbells above your chest with your arms extended and palms facing forward. Slowly lower the dumbbells to chest level. Pause, and then explosively press them back up. That’s 1 rep.

Grab a pair of dumbbells and lie chest down on a bench set to a low incline. Let the weights hang at arm’s length, palms facing in. Pull the weights close to your sides and squeeze your shoulder blades together. This is the starting position. Lower the dumbbell in your left hand; pull it back up. Now lower the dumbbell in your right hand; pull it back up. Repeat, doing all your reps.



Superset One Dumbbell low-incline bench press: 10 reps Chest-supported batwing row: 8 reps per side Single-leg hip raise: 15 reps per side

Superset One Dumbbell singlearm incline press: 10 reps per side Chest-supported row and reverse fly: 12 reps Goblet squat to bench: 15 reps

Superset Two Goblet squat to bench: 8 reps Lateral raise: 15 reps Swiss ball body saw: 12 reps

3 Single-Leg Hip Raise Lie on your back with your left heel flat on the floor, knees bent, and arms on the floor. Raise your right leg toward your chest. Now lift your hips so your body forms a straight line from your shoulders to your left knee. Pause for 1 second. Slowly lower your body. That’s 1 rep. 156 | July/August 2016

Superset Two Single-leg hip raise: 20 reps per side Lateral raise: 20 reps Swiss ball body saw: 15 reps

Trainer: Ben Bruno Time: 45 minutes Frequency: 2 days a week


I n s e t p h o t o g r a p h b y T U R E L I L L E G R AV E N , g r o o m i n g : A n d r e a P e z z i l l o /J K A r t i s t s; g r o o m i n g (e x e r c i s e s): B r i t t a n y S p a u l d i n g


In each workout, you’ll complete 2 supersets comprising three exercises apiece. You’ll do each superset 3 times. The supersets for each workout appear below. Rest for as long as 2 minutes between supersets.

4 Goblet Squat to Bench

5 Lateral Raise

6 Swiss Ball Body Saw

Grab a dumbbell and stand with a bench behind you. Cup the weight with both hands and hold it in front of your chest, elbows down. Bend your knees and lower your body until your butt lightly touches the bench. Push yourself back up. That’s 1 rep.

Hold a pair of dumbbells at your sides, your palms facing in. Bend your elbows very slightly and hold them that way throughout the move. Now slowly raise your arms out to your sides until they’re parallel to the floor. That’s 1 rep.

Place your elbows and forearms on a Swiss ball, your body in a plank position. Brace your core; this is the starting position. Now slowly move your forearms directly forward and then backward just a few inches, in a sawing motion. That’s 1 rep.

7 Dumbbell Single-Arm Incline Press

8 Chest-Supported Row and Reverse Fly

Lie on a bench with the backrest set to a 45-degree incline. Hold a dumbbell above your chest with your arm straight and palm facing forward. Lower the dumbbell to chest level and then press it back up. That’s 1 rep. Do all your reps; then repeat with your other arm.

Grab a pair of dumbbells and lie chest down on an adjustable bench set to a low incline. Let the dumbbells hang at arm’s length, palms in. Pull the weights close to your sides and squeeze your shoulder blades together. Now push your arms out to your sides until they’re straight and parallel to the floor. Slowly lower the dumbbells from that position. That’s 1 rep. July/August 2016 | 157

The Workouts (from page 118)

Your No-Gym, No Excuses Plan There’s nothing quite like an outdoor workout on a sunny summer day. That’s why we asked L.A.-based trainer Ben Bruno to come up with a total-body workout that you can do anywhere—at the beach while you’re on vacation or in your backyard at home. See “Use It!” (below) to tailor the workout to your goal.

1Single-Leg Pushup

2 Step-Through Lunges

Assume a pushup position with your arms straight and hands below and slightly wider than your shoulders. Raise your left foot. Bend your elbows and lower your body until your chest nearly touches the floor. Pause, and push your body back up. Do all your reps with your left leg elevated; then repeat with your right leg elevated. Reps: 8 per leg

Assume a lunge position with your right leg forward, your right knee bent 90 degrees. Now take a big step forward with your left foot, dropping again into a lunge position, this time with your left leg forward. Step back to return to the initial lunge position. That’s 1 rep. Do all your reps, switch legs, and repeat. Reps: 8 per leg


Perform the workout as a superset. Do all your reps of the first exercise, then all your reps of the second exercise, then the third. That’s 1 superset. Rest 1 minute. Repeat, doing the prescribed number of supersets. (See below.) USE IT!

As a warmup for a run: Complete 2 supersets. To build more muscle: Do 4 slow, controlled supersets. To burn more fat: Do 6 to 8 supersets at a fast pace, making sure to use good form.

Assume a pushup position with your arms straight and hands below and slightly wider than your shoulders. Keep your body straight as you raise your left hand and bring it up to touch your right shoulder. As you do, don’t let your hips shift. Place your hand back on the floor. Repeat with your right hand and left shoulder. Reps: 12 per side 158 | July/August 2016

Trainer: Ben Bruno Time: 30 minutes Frequency: twice a week


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3 High Plank with Shoulder Tap

The Workouts (from page 57)

TheStrength Move ThatIncreases Speed The Turkish getup is an old-school strongman move, but it’s also beneficial for runners. That’s because it strengthens your legs and core, improves your flexibility, and protects your body from injury, says Jim Ferris, owner of Gym Ferris Fitness in Philadelphia.


1Lie Down

2 Roll Onto Your Elbow

3 Prop Yourself Up

Lie on your back with your left leg bent and right leg flat on the floor. Hold a dumbbell in your left hand and raise your left arm straight toward the ceiling. (Keep it like this the whole time.)

Keep your eye on the dumbbell as you slowly roll your torso to the right and lean on your right forearm. Your right palm should be pressing into the floor and your right leg still straight.

Lift your hips and push up onto your right hand. As you do, slide your right leg under your body, moving into a partial half kneel; put your weight on your right hand, right knee, and left foot. DO IT!

As the ultimate strength builder During your lifting routine, do 5 sets of 1 rep on each side, using a heavy dumbbell. As a lung-taxing finisher After any workout, do 10 sets of 5 reps on each side, using a 10-pound dumbbell.


Strengthens your core Boosts flexibility Prevents running injuries Improves your balance WHY YOU’LL LOVE THIS EXERCISE

4 Move Into a Half Kneel

5 Stand Tall

Now raise your torso so it’s vertical; keep your left arm pressing the weight up and your right arm out to your side. Both knees should be bent 90 degrees and your eyes should look forward.

From the half kneel, drive your weight through your left foot and stand tall, keeping the weight vertical as you do. At the top, squeeze your glutes. Now do the entire move in reverse.

160 | July/August 2016

“Turkish getups strengthen your entire body with little wear and tear. I have my athletes do them very slowly, 30 seconds per rep. The slower you go, the more strength, control, and body awareness you develop,” says Ferris.



G r o o m i n g (e x e r c i s e s): B r i t t a n y S p a u l d i n g; C u l t u r a / I m a g e S o u r c e / G a l l e r y S t o c k ( i n s e t)

As a single-exercise workout One day a week, grab a 20-pound dumbbell and do as many controlled reps as you can in 20 minutes.


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After all these years together, does she laugh at your jokes? Or does she just roll her eyes? I never watch her eyes. Maybe you do. You can come over to the house, watch her eyes for a while. What are you, a goddamn psychologist? Why are you asking so many questions about my wife? We’re just... I’m in the business 70 years; I’ve never had anybody say to me, “Does she roll her eyes at you?” Only you. Sorry. Idiot questions. A waste of my time! Your friend Bob Newhart once said he couldn’t figure out how you do what you do “and yet still live.” Does that surprise you as well? Does what surprise me? That nobody has ever tried to take a swing at you? It’s just my personality. It was a rough road in the beginning, early in my career. Sometimes people would be like, “What the hell is that all about?” But if you sell yourself the right way, everybody will walk out loving you, even if you’ve insulted them. One of the biggest breaks of your career was also the biggest risk. Frank Sinatra came to your show, and you made a joke about him beating up people. No, no, Frank and I were friends. I could say almost anything to him. We’re talking about the first time he saw you. When he walked into that club down in Florida. Oh yeah, right. When your mom convinced Sinatra’s mom to make Frank come to your show. Which, coincidentally, is an amazing story in itself. My mom was always sort of a Jewish Patton. A very strong lady. I was working in Miami at some dumpy joint, and Frank was starring at the Fontainebleau at the time. My mom makes it a point to find Dolly Sinatra, Frank’s mother, and they sit down and have a long talk. My mom tells her, “It would be great if Frank went to see Don’s act.” Dolly was like, “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure Frank shows up.” And he does! Because moms are all-powerful. They were both really magnificent women. So Frank walks in, and you tell him, “Hey, Frank, make yourself at home. Hit somebody!” That’s right. When that came out of your mouth, were you like, “Holy shit, did I seriously say that?” No, no, not at all. I wasn’t worried. What did I have to be worried about? He was Frank Sinatra. One of the biggest celebrities in the world. You were an unknown comic playing, in your words, dumpy joints. The Chairman of the Board came to see your show as a favor to his mother, and you insulted him. And then you upped the ante. You told him, “Your voice is gone.” That is amazing! How is that amazing? 162 | July/August 2016


It’d be like one of us going to a job interview and saying to the boss, “Listen, you bloated old bastard. Your glory years are behind you, and I’m pretty sure you beat your wife.” That’s some brass balls right there, my friend. I didn’t think of it that way. I thought, that’s my personality. This is what I do. Win, lose, or draw, it’s what I do. Fortunately for me, Frank thought it was funny. But if he hadn’t, you blew your one chance to make an impression on the guy who could change your life. So what? So what if it never happened for me? You got to be true to yourself, right? You play the room the way you need to play it. We’ve heard a lot of stories about you pulling pranks on Sinatra. Did he ever get revenge? So many times. He once pulled me out of the steam room at the Sands and threw me into the swimming area. I wasn’t wearing a thing. I was in my birthday suit. I tried to convince people I was a beach umbrella. And one time, I ended up in handcuffs... Wait, this is a different story? This didn’t happen while you were naked, right? Different time. He sent two cops over to the Sahara where I was working, and they pulled me off the stage and put handcuffs on me and took me over to the Sands. Frank was doing a show, and these cops brought me to the stage. Frank and I kidded around for, like, 20 minutes. And then they locked me in his hotel room. It was a different Vegas back then. It really was. Frank was wonderful. God rest his soul, when he walked into a room, it stopped. He had that kind of charisma. How long do you want to keep doing this? Doing what? Talking to you? Performing. Doing stand-up. You’re 90 now. How many more years do you have in you? As long as my health keeps up, and the audience shows up, I’ll keep doing it. When it doesn’t come anymore, I’ll know it’s time to quit. That’s hard to imagine. You don’t seem like the quitting sort. No, you’re right. It’s not in my character. My mom was the same way. Even toward the end. She wasn’t ready to go? Not at all. She had emphysema and cancer, and it wasn’t easy for her. I tried to cheer her up. I remember visiting her at the hospital, and she looked so frail and weak. I said, “Mom, you’re 84 years old! A lot of people don’t make it that far. You should be happy. You’re 84!” She looked at me, and with this sad look on her face, she said, “I can’t be 85?” Do you feel the same way about your own life? Anything for just one more good year? I know what she meant. You want to be happy for everything you’ve had, grateful for how long you’ve been around. But whenever I think about it being over, it’s just...I want a little bit more. 쐍

after he died but decided against it, given that, after all, his father had always hated tattoos. Les was 23 when his father shot himself. Flew home. Funeral. Then right back to spring training. Thankfully he still made the team. He’d seen his father just a few days before, at a high school alumni game. Les’s father had always loved to watch him play. Always told him he didn’t need to get a job in high school as long as he was playing and getting good grades. “That’s the sacrifice he made,” Les says. Les’s father was a carpenter, got started building log cabins in Mariposa, California. Later the family moved to Los Angeles so Les could attend a good school. But the demand for log cabins wasn’t exactly peaking in L.A., so his father found work building sets—a good gig, because you got paid on both ends: putting them up, and then tearing them down. But there was always something empty about it. Nothing he built lasted. Les’s father wasn’t a particularly good businessman either. He took care of his guys and paid them well. He wasn’t in it for the money. So the divorce, when it came, didn’t leave him in the best shape financially. “His life didn’t turn out the way he wanted,” Les says. For a long time Les thought it could have been his fault, of course, or that he could have done something to prevent it. But in time he came to see otherwise. His father could have done a much better job keeping the family together, for one thing. He could have been a little more flexible, a little less stubborn. Not that Les, too, hasn’t lost relationships along the way. Baseball and romance don’t exactly go well together. Many women are jazzed to date a player for the first year or so. But eventually the question comes: When are you gonna be done with this? To quote Burres: “Umm...never?” Many of the older players, including Burres and Les, are married. Their wives are the ones who can accept living alone for half the year— sometimes more, if their husbands play winter ball. Right now Les’s wife is at home in Southern California with his 1- and 3-year-old. He met her a few years ago at a car show. For their honeymoon they flew to Arizona and rented a car to go to the Grand Canyon. Then they drove from one spring training camp to the next so Les could show off his wares. “What makes her special,” Les says, “is that she did that for our honeymoon.” The lesson for the rookies, and anyone else for that matter, is clear: Go ahead and do what you love. Like it says on Wilson’s forearm, in blue Latinate script: Seize the day. But don’t let that keep you from seizing the future too. If you find a woman who can tolerate you, hang on to her.

Satisfaction GUARANTEED! It’s kite weather in Crab Country. Game time is near and the fans file in. In the stands today is an 8-year-old boy who just came from the dentist. Instead of taking him back to school, his mom let him come to the ball game. Epic. As BP winds down the players gather in the dugout, and the announcer reads the lineup. Flexing his mitt, Les prepares for his first outing of the year. “Starting pitcher Jon Leicester, the salty veteran, up now,” Burres says, going into announcer mode. Les takes the mound and the first batter steps into the box. Les gathers over the rubber and needles a fastball down the middle. The catcher snaps it up like a frog. Strike one. Next comes a cutter, fouled backward. Another foul and then a grounder to shortstop, out at first. “I think he looks really good,” Burres says. “And he’s pitching well too.” The second hitter pops up to second. “He’s going for contact,” says Daryl Thompson, 30, a.k.a. “D.” “That’s his game,” says Garceau. “It’s not about the stat line,” adds Burres. “It’s more about getting the job done.” Les falls behind and then gives the hitter a cock shot, right down the middle. Base hit. Cleanup batter. Their biggest hitter. This guy scored a couple runs the last time they faced him. Now he pops up to center. “Thataway.” “Thatababy, Jonny.” The players click-clack back into the dugout. The usual talk lifts and scatters, filling up the wide, empty spaces of the game. Burres is trying out his limited Chinese on Mattie, the new Taiwanese player. His vocabulary consists of three phrases: “Help me,” “I am handsome,” and “Jack off.” Different results can be obtained depending on how these phrases are ordered. The shadows of the players lean onto the grass. The moon appears and a distant plane draws a white eyebrow over it. The players ride the game the way a bird rides an updraft, as if it will never end. And on certain summer days, it seems it won’t. And yet only a few days before, the players learned from the owner that the ballpark might be sold to the Washington Nationals. The excited owner didn’t seem to realize that it would mean unemployment for the guys he was talking to. The life of a ballplayer is an uncertain one, full of risk and rejection. You get pretty good at rejection, Les says. Being

rejected, that is. Not giving it. Don’t get him wrong. It hurts. It always hurts. Like the game today, a 3-2 loss. But that’s the thing about professional baseball. “We lost that game and it’s like, all right, see you tomorrow,” Les says. “You gotta be able to shake it off.” Baseball offers its own cure for the ups and downs. An abiding love of the moment. Of just being there on a warm blue day and playing the game. Hearing the sounds. The crunch of cleats on cement. The tssst of spit. The feathery riffle of a fastball. The cold crack of a beer being opened. No one enjoys a beer like a baseball player. No one. Or the ribbing, the pointless arguments, the bullshit. Or even the mystery. Like if it really is Keith. Baseball players are okay with the fact that the answer may never truly be known. So slow down and drink it all up. Like that last Doggie Style Pale Ale. There is so much to be enjoyed. The sun. The sounds. Each other. The great game of baseball. Life itself. 쐍 WHERE TO BUY Aether Apparel

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North Sails


Original Penguin


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The List You Know It’s a Great Summer When... 6 



You can’t remember the last time you urinated in an actual bathroom.

164 | July/August 2016

You haven’t posted any “feet in the sand” selfies on Facebook. Or any vacation selfies at all. It’s almost as if you’re capable of having fun without constantly reminding strangers on the Internet that you’re having fun.

You say to your wife, “Well, this is certainly a surprise. I had no idea swimsuits were optional on the beaches in Rio.” And she totally buys it!

Your boss is confused about the summer hours policy. It may mean you can leave early on Friday, come in late on Monday, or work only on even-numbered days. Long story short, you haven’t been to the office since May.

Your doctor examines that honeycomb pattern on your butt and diagnoses a bad case of Hammock Ass. Don’t worry, it’s treatable—see if your insurance covers transport to a deck chair by MedEvac.


The difference between your past four weekends and the lyrics to a Jimmy Buffett song is statistically insignificant.

Jumbotron while the audience cheered and the organist played “We Are the Champions.” What really matters is your ex saw it all on TV, alone, in her sweatpants.

You don’t recollect any details about Burning Man. Because you never went to Burning Man. Instead, you went camping. Like a grownup. You catch a foul ball at a major league game. Here’s the thing: It’s not that you did it with your bare hands. It’s not that you saved that young lad from getting beaned in the face. It’s not even that the woman next to you was so impressed with your heroism that she planted a big sloppy kiss on you, which ended up on the *Give me a spanking, please! I’m a naughty boy.

You cancel your big road trip to hang out at home and watch National Lampoon’s Vacation in your underwear. It’s possibly the greatest decision you’ve ever made.


You’ve done at least one thing that made a policeman say, “I’d arrest you, but I’m not sure if that’s actually a crime or just disgusting. I wouldn’t even know how to describe it on an incident report. Never mind, just get the hell out of here.”


You’re looking forward to tax season next year, if only for the look on your accountant’s face when he tries to make sense of your summer receipts.


You can’t recall the last time you had a strong opinion on politics. Remember when it was cold, and you vowed that if that one candidate you hated became president, you’d move to the Dominican Republic? Now that candidate’s name totally escapes you. What were you so angry about? Oh, whatever, let’s have another sangria.

Tr u n k A r c h i v e ( b e a c h w o m e n ) , J a m e s L i g h t b o w n / G e t t y I m a g e s ( w h i p ) , L j u p c o / G e t t y I m a g e s ( h a m m o c k ) , R i c c a r d o 6 7/ G e t t y I m a g e s (d o g) , W h i t e P a c k e r t / G e t t y I m a g e s ( p a t c h o f g r a s s) , Wa r n e r B r o s / T h e K o b a l C o l l e c t i o n (N a t i o n a l L a m p o o n’ s Va c a t i o n)

You’ve learned a little bit of French. Specifically, you’re fluent with phrases like “Donnemoi une fessée, s’il vous plaît. Je suis un garçon vilain.”*

The bad news is, you probably should have said no when your buddy suggested a trip to Tijuana for a donkey show, because there are some things you can’t unsee. The good news is, you’re now the guy with the donkey-show-in-Tijuana story, which makes you the center of attention at every party for the rest of your life.

Available in prescription. STYLE SHOWN: KUMU

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Please Enjoy Leinie’s Responsibly. ©2016 Jacob Leinenkugel Brewing Co., Inc., Chippewa Falls, WI

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