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ONE TIME Adam Young Published 6/20/2014


Contents Chapter 1.................................................................................1 Chapter 2 ............................................................................... 2 Chapter 3 ............................................................................... 3 Chapter 4 ............................................................................... 4 Chapter 5 ............................................................................... 5 Chapter 6 ............................................................................... 6 Chapter 7 ............................................................................... 7 Chapter 8 ............................................................................... 9 Chapter 9 ..............................................................................11 Chapter 10 ........................................................................... 13 Chapter 11............................................................................ 14 Chapter 12 ........................................................................... 16 Chapter 13 ........................................................................... 17 Chapter 14 ........................................................................... 18 Chapter 15 ........................................................................... 19 Chapter 16 ...........................................................................20 Chapter 17 ...........................................................................22


Chapter 1 3/23/2014 One time in 2nd grade we had to take a spelling quiz and we had to spell ‘floppy fish’ and the kid sitting next to me was was totally cheating because he had the answers written on the inside elastic of his tighty whities and whenever the teacher called out the word he’d look down at his crotch like he was concentrating really hard and nobody saw it except me so later at recess i gave him the worst wedgie of his life and from that moment on the act of getting your underwear yanked out of your pants and pulled over your face was forever known henceforth as the floppy fish

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Chapter 2 3/25/2014 One time in 7th grade we had to dissect owl pellets which I guess when an owl eats a mouse he swallows it and digests the meat and then pukes up the mouse bones and fur into these little pellets that my 7th grade teacher found in the woods and thought it would be awesome to make kids at an emotionally awkward and unstable age pick them apart with their bare hands which is funny because this kid in my class named Jake was really good at putting his rat bones back together and I got a really bad grade on mine because all I did was slack off and make fart noises with my mouth so my mouse skeleton looked like crap tbh smh

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Chapter 3 3/25/2014 Back in high school me and my buddies found a Frito Lay warehouse in town and outside there was a dumpster where they threw away expired unopened bags of potato chips so I would literally back my car up, climb into the dumpster and start hurling chips into the open trunk which was awesome driving around a crappy car with a trunk literally crammed full of chips and then me and my buddies would hang out on the weekends and someone would say hey man what should we eat for dinner and I'd be like idk how about this bag of cool ranch Doritos ha ha ha ha shut up

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Chapter 4 4/11/2014 One time in 8th grade I was at lunch and I didn't know where to sit because I don't like people and this with really good posture walked by all stiff and stuff and a bunch of cool kids were like hahaha what a nerd and they were makin fun of him so later when they weren't looking I took a pickle off of my chicken sandwich and put it in one means kid's hood and nobody saw me and for all we know that mean kid is still walking around somewhere with a pickle in his hood bye

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Chapter 5 4/17/2014 Once when I was in 2nd grade I had a purple Barney stuffed animal and one day after school I was playing with it outside and my mom called me in for dinner and I accidentally forgot it in the driveway and then my dad came home after work in his huge truck and literally ran it over and as if that wasn't bad enough what he didn't realize was that he actually parked ON Barney so when I tried pulling his lifeless body out from under the truck tire I just ended up ripping his head off and you people wonder why I'm emotionally unstable I swear all my songs are about me ripping Barney's head off

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Chapter 6 4/23/2014 One time in 1st grade we were outside for recess and I was wearing really short shorts and I had super white skinny legs and I went down the big metal slide back when they had big metal slides and the unfortunate thing was that this particular slide had a couple rows of metal rivets down the slidey part and over the years they had loosened and pushed up a bit and so when I went down the slide the rivets literally ripped my shorts in half and when I got to the bottom my life was changed forever so the teacher sent me to the nurses office and they gave me a pair of super ugly green jeans to wear for the rest of the day and then at lunch some kid ate a kleenex

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Chapter 7 5/2/2014 One time in 6th grade we had career exploration class and all the guys picked nba players and all the girls picked hair stylists and I picked chicken farmer because my grandparents had chickens and I just like chickens I'm not a weirdo I swear and then everyone made fun of me and I was embarrassed so later at recess we were playing kickball and it was my turn and I had all this confusion and rage and emotional baggage built up inside me so I kicked the ball as hard as I could and it nailed this kid Nick in the face and he started crying and I was so caught up in the moment of inner emotional drama I shouted "LOL that's what u get for making fun of a chicken farmer" only this kid nick wasn't even in my class so he had no idea what was going on and I got into huge trouble and then later some random lady brought in her newborn baby to show the class and everyone said it looked like an ugly alien

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Chapter 8 5/17/2014 One time in 7th grade I had foods class and we had to make this nasty organic pasta and you know that trick where you throw a spaghetti noodle against the fridge and if it sticks you know it's done or whatever well that part was my job and I was basically so annoyed and angry at being a 7th grader I forgot what life was for a second and without thinking I grabbed the spaghetti and threw the entire contents of the bowl against the fridge and everyone in the class screamed and the teacher had a brain aneurism and everyone was mad at me and then I got into big trouble and what everyone failed to realize was that the spaghetti totally stuck to the fridge which means I was basically a master gourmet 7th grader chef and clearly my spaghetti was cooked to perfection so I should've gotten an A+ and extra credit instead of getting an F and then sent to the principal for disobeying kitchen safety and throwing spaghetti at a fridge but hey that's the way it goes sometimes but yeah I don't remember much else about 7th grade foods class except for one time some kid ate a stick of butter and got diarrhea

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Chapter 9 5/22/2014 One time in fourth grade we were outside on the playground at recess and me and my friend mohammad were throwing rocks at each other because it apparently sounded like a good idea at the time and we were having a blast until we got into huge trouble and sent to the principals office and while we were waiting for the principal to get done with his phone call so he could yell at us a random teacher walked by and freaked out because she thought she saw lice in mohammed's hair so she sent him to the nurses office to check him over and it wasn't until later that the nurse realized what she thought was lice was actually just playground rocks stuck in mo's hair because he had super curly hair that felt like sheep wool and so everyone exhaled a sigh of relief and laughed because no lice and then the principal yelled at us and sent me and mo back to class and then later at lunch some kid drank six cartons of chocolate milk and puked and everyone screamed

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Chapter 10 5/26/2014 One time in 6th grade we had to read charlottes web and my teacher mrs sullivan was reading to the class the part where templeton the rat goes to the fair and basically eats everything in sight and becomes morbidly obese and some kid in class got super excited and opened his mouth really wide to pretend he was templeton eating an entire pizza or something and he was wearing the kind of braces they used to have with big ugly rubber bands on them and one of them snapped and literally flew out of his mouth and sailed across the room and hit mrs sullivan in the face and she screamed because she thought a bee stung her and everyone laughed and then late in gym class some kid got sent to the principals office for pulling down his pants

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Chapter 11 5/31/2014 One time in 9th grade I was really tired all the time and once in history class we had to pick partners for a project where we had to make this dumb pop up book with drawings and facts about the revolutionary war and nobody wanted to be my partner and I didn't want to be anyone's partner because everyone was so annoying but slowly by process of elimination everyone else picked partners and I had to be with either this weird kid named chris who had the worst breath in the universe or this new kid from sudan named samir who always forgot to bring a pencil or paper or books or a backpack or literally anything to class and I was secretly praying the lord would take me up to heaven but obviously that didn't happen so I eventually had to be samir's partner which was actually awesome because samir had only lived in america for like two weeks so he didn't even care what the revolutionary war was and neither did I so we totally bonded over that and then I had to do all the work because samir didn't have a pencil and he couldn't speak english so that was unfortunate but hey it was okay in the end because I completely procrastinated for like two weeks and then our pop up book looked like absolute crap and it was so lame that we got a D- on it but samir just looked blankly at me and shrugged and wasn't even worried about it and 14


I realized he and I were a lot alike and then for some reason we watched the prince of egypt in class and some kid named patrick thought the actual prince of egypt was george washington and my teacher called patrick a fartknocker

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Chapter 12 6/8/2014 One time in 11th grade this kid in my study hall was so bored he literally would catch a fly with his bare hands and then pluck a single hair from his own head and somehow tie it around the fly's foot and then let the fly buzz around on the end of the hair and everyone would be sitting in study hall and the room would be totally silent except for this subtle buzzing which was this weird kid playing with his pet fly instead of doing homework and then the bell would ring and the kid would walk down the hallway letting his fly lead the way and he'd be like "sup guys just taking my fly for a walk" and everyone would look at him weird and basically that's all I remember about 11th grade except for one time in math class I fell asleep and drooled on myself

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Chapter 13 6/13/2014 One time in 1st grade on the last day of school we had pizza and watched the muppets movie and everyone brought rice krispy bars and sherbet cups and m&ms and crap and one kid brought oatmeal raisin cookies and I bit into one and almost puked because raisins belong to the dark lord satan and then we had to make personalized bookmarks apparently to encourage us to read during the summer so I drew a picture of a crab on mine and everyone made fun of me so then I drew a picture of the sun wearing sunglasses and smiling and then I burned the school down

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Chapter 14 6/16/2014 One time in 4th grade I went to this kids birthday party and we watched jurassic park and it was the first pg13 movie I ever saw so I had to call my mom first and ask permission and she was like what's it about and I was like eh dolphins or some crap and she was like ok and then we watched jurassic park and the part where the lawyer sits on the toilet was so scary and inspiring that I violently flew back in my chair and my piece of pizza sailed across the room and stuck on the wall and everyone thought it was so funny one kid launched mountain dew and snot outta his nose and then everyone screamed

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Chapter 15 6/17/2014 One time in 6th grade we had to run the mile which was basically running 10 times around the school and this kid named dustin would always cheat and hide behind this big evergreen tree and pick his nose while everyone else ran laps and I remember one time my teacher caught dustin and made him do the macarena in front of the entire class and he was so embarrassed he was probably emotionally damaged for the rest of his entire life and then the next day some kid got sent to the principals office for wearing his jock strap on the outside of his pants

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Chapter 16 6/19/2014 One time in third grade my mom packed me a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch and put it in my sparkly blue aladdin lunchbox and then she dropped me off at the bad place which is what I always called school but that's another story so at lunchtime I sat next to this kid named Ryan who had a peanut butter banana sandwich and I was like bro wanna trade and he was like mehhhhhhh ok so we traded and we were stoked and Ryan took a huge bite of my sandwich and then suddenly this look of horror swept over his face and I was like lol what's the matter and he was like dude does this have ham in it and I was like well yeah there's kinda like chunks of ham in it idk why? and then his eyes got so big and he stammered something about being allergic to ham or something and I was like what does that even mean I'm a third grader and then he involuntarily screamed and leaped out of his seat and hurled the sandwich across the gym like a grenade and then immediately ran to the nearest garbage can and started puking his guts out and this whole time all the kids are just staring at him in stunned silence and then when one of the lunch ladies saw what was going down she went totally loco and transformed into some kind of emergency CPR lunch lady ninja hero and did tons of spins and backflips and somersaults over lunch tables 20


and stuff and then she did a perfect swan dive so graceful I was like someone call national geographic and then she took out Ryan with a flying tackle and so much force it completely knocked the wind out of him and he probably had to change his diapers afterward and Ryan was yelling and spitting and trying to breathe and shouting GET OFF BRO and the lunch lady just started violently kissing him on the mouth or at least that's what I thought at the time because I was in third grade and I didn't know whether to laugh or fall on the ground crying unicorn tears of holy terror because I felt so bad for Ryan I swear I had no idea he was allergic to ham chunks so Ryan if you're reading this I'm so sorry bro I didn't mean to ruin your day but u gotta admit it was pretty funny when the lunch lady made out with you lol

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Chapter 17 6/20/2014 One time after I graduated high school I was sitting on the couch contemplating the meaning of life and for some reason I said to myself I should make pop music so I called myself owl city and wrote some songs and made some records and went on some tours and met some cool people and ate some good pizza and the rest my friends is history

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One time