ISSUE TWO // 2011
.......................................................... Inside: Blended Breakfasts . The Sweeter Side of Diabetes . Carriageworks Hip-Hop Festival
EDITORS LUCIEN ALPERSTEIN JAMES BOURNE CARLA EFSTRATIOU GEMMA KACZEREPA AVA NIRUI DANIEL PIOTROWSKI ANNA WATANABE JUSTIN WOLFERS
ART DIRECTORS MEGAN MANNING IRIT POLLAK
MIND THE GAP
CARLA + DANIEL + GEN ROSEN
HE’S THE HIP HOP MASTERMIND BREAKING IT DOWN IN SYDNEY
INTERVIEW WITH NICK POWERS ALEXANDER CRAIG
IMAGINE BEING TOLD YOU HAVE DIABETES AT THE AGE OF 19 14.
WORKS BY DAN MILLER AND ANDREW SOUTHWOOD-JONES 16.
DANIEL AND AMANDA DEBATE GOING TO THE MOVIES SOLO
AMANDA DIAZ + DANIEL PIOTROWSKI
THE SECTION OF THE MAGAZINE THAT’S DELIBERATELY LIGHT
NEHA MADHOK ET. AL SPOT PRESS PTY LTD, MARRICKVILLE
THE DEFAMER JAMES BOURNE
DON YOUR LACE-UP BOOTS AND PHONY GLASSES AND HEAD TO THESE HIPSTER HOTSPOTS 24.
PLACES TO GO IF... AVA NIRUI
26. Vertigo and its entire contents are protected
FOOD AND FASHION
GEMMA KACZEREPA + CARLA EFSTRATIOU
by copyright. Vertigo will retain reprint rights, contributors retain all other rights for resale and
republication. No material may be reproduced
without the prior written consent of the copyright holders. Vertigo would like to show it’s respect and
THE MOVIE THAT’S SO AWFUL, IT’S FUCKING AMAZING
acknowledge the Traditional Custodians of the land, the Gadigal and Guring-gai people of Eora Nation, upon whose ancestral lands the university now stands. More than 500 Indigenous Nations shared
this land for over 40,000 years before invasion. We express our solidarity and continued commitment to working with Indigenous peoples, in Australia and around the world, in their ongoing struggle for land rights, self determination, sovereignty, and the recognition and compensation for past injustices. Vertigo is published by the UTS STUDENTS’ ASSOCIATION Printed by SPOTPRESS PTY LTD, MARRICKVILLE Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org for enquires
DON’T BELIEVE THE GAP YEAR HYPE
GEMMA KACZEREPA + JAMES BOURNE
ADVERTISING WITH THANKS TO
NEHA MADHOK + TIM ROYLETT
ROADTESTS: BLENDED BREAKFASTS
CONTRIBUTORS GEN ROSEN ANDREW SOUTHWOOD-JONES DAN MILLER NICK JORDAN ALEXANDER CRAIG ETHAN TUXFORD DANIEL CONIFER JASON COHN JAMESINA MCLEOD AMANDA DIAZ BEN MCCAFFREY BRETT WATSON
From the Student’s Association
ISSUE ONE VERTIGO
Only a week ago, a House of Representatives review of Youth Allowance catapulted the issue of welfare back into the media. Its complexities almost requiring, as Annabelle Crabb put it, a PhD to be worked out, it’s becoming nigh on impossible for students to know if a) they’re eligible and b) what on earth they’re actually getting. This complexity is highlighted by an issue that I mentioned in my last report. That is, in actu, that if someone applies for Centrelink while they are 24 years old, they are more or less stuck on that “rate” until the end of their course (or Centrelink decides otherwise – which is likely). There is no possibility of changing to Austudy (and the [slight] increase which comes with it) unless you change courses. If you would like to have a say about welfare issues, including Centrelink, please fill out the NUS Welfare Survey which is online at http://bit.ly/fRNCaV (or under Welfare Department at www.unistudent.com.au). - Education Vice President, Timothy Roylett
PRESIDENT’S REPORT Ah, semester time. So many new people, so many new classes, assignments and so much more activity
than there is in the university breaks (I’d know, I have to work here in the holidays as well) and of course, so many parties, stalls, on campus events and activities. Unfortunately not all universities in Australia have a campus life that is as active as ours, and ours isn’t nearly as great as Usyd’s, nor is it as great as it used to be. Before 2006 all students were automatic members of their Student Unions and Students’ Associations, this money went towards essential services like free legal advice and advocacy, as well as subsidised food on campus, social events, student clubs and societies and events on campus. Universities were a much more vibrant place to be. Then, legislation came in that made it no longer essential for students to join their student organisations and almost immediately, student life on campus died with it. Now the government is looking to bring back student services and campus life, however they’re going about it the wrong way. They want to charge students up to $250 a year and not send any of this money directly to students, the current make up of the bill is that the money will go directly to universities, who will direct it wherever they want. There is every chance that your $250 could go towards the university’s bottom line, there is every chance that you won’t see a cent of your $250 a year. This is why we are pushing for pollies to amend their bill, to make sure that the money students are going to be paying, goes to students, to student organisations like the Students’ Association and to the UTS Union which provide services and activities necessary for campus life, because students know what students need. So how can you help? Well, we’re running a photo petition this month where we run around campus and go up to all of you guys, asking you to pose with a sign that says “Students’ Money for Students”. We’ll then turn this into a giant collage, with photos of hundreds of thousands of students from across the country and send it to all of the relevant politicians. This way, we can show the government that students care where their money goes and that we won’t be robbed of our student rights. To find out more on how you can get involved, come in to the Students’ Association on level 3 of the Tower building and find out how! Speaking of student money, there’s also this really boring sounding , but vitally important thing going on at the moment, called the Base Funding Review (BFR). The BFR is looking at the balance and amount of public: (i.e. Government) and private (i.e. – student) contributions to the funding of higher education, and what principles should underpin this balance e.g. – accessibility, quality, social good and economic good, to name a few. It will also be examining how funding is distributed across the many different disciplines that we all study at university. The Chair of the Review, Dr Lomax-Smith was holding a series of consultations a few weeks back, so of course I went along and discussed with her the impacts of: Voluntary Student Unionism, the explosion of IT at universities, increased red tape, more pressure on research output as reasons for the steepness in quality decline. I put forward the case for greater government funding of universities, citing overcrowded classes and lack of tutor consultation hours as two examples. When asked, Dr Lomax-Smith suggested that many groups had come to her asking her to put up student fees in order to make up for the lack of funding to universities, however she stated that “students are at breaking point as far as fees are concerned” which is only good news for students if we can show the good doctor that students really can’t afford to pay more. But what are we doing about it? Well, the Students’ Association will be putting in a submission to the BFR (by the 31st of March) and we suggest that you do one too. It’s not hard; just write a page or so outlining your experience at uni and what you’d like to see out of this review. Confused? Just contact me and I’ll help you out. So come on, get involved! - President, Neha Madhok
WHAT: BBQ and Degree Auction for the Base Funding Review WHEN: 23rd March WHERE: TOWER BUILDING WHY: Media attention, spreading the message and showing that students can’t afford to keep paying more and more.
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ISSUE TWO VERTIGO
Welcome back, dear readers. Or welcome to new readers who weren’t quick enough to get their hands on our first issue due to overwhelming demand. And welcome to our friends and families who read this purely out of obligation. Welcome to Vertigo, Part II: Voluptuous, Volatile and Vilified. Now don’t let that put you off; unlike other sequels with idiotic and nonsensical titles, ours is no second-rate production. This edition is just as good as – nay, better than – our first, and we won’t be whipping out cameos from haggard previous editors to keep you hooked. And you won’t see us producing a twoinstalments-released-said-years-apart ‘Chapter 3D’ with a substandard cast, illogical plotline and slapstick gags. Because we come out every three weeks. So! Convoluted and shitty jokes aside, we hope you’re settling in well to the new year. First years: with any luck, you’ve found a suitable patch of tiles to mosey about on and catch some fluorescent rays. Everyone else: we know you’re still making awful quips about the lack of grass and abundance of bad lighting. And we hope all students had a complete blast during O-Week and have started making the most of everything the university has to offer. By now you’ve probably joined a number of societies and collectives and made the most of their meet-andgreet bar tabs, but have probably lost the free time and will to keep going back. Well change your tune and go to as many events as you can! Because they’re an absolutely ace way to make friends with people who share similar interests or beliefs. After joining the Beer Society way back in ’09, I regrettably never attended any meet-ups and now don’t know anyone with whom I can discuss the merits and shortcomings of Hahn Super Dry, bar my decreasingly interested flatmates and increasingly empty beer glass. Moving on. This month Vertigo is here to keep you entertained and distracted from escalating piles of study with a fat load of interesting and occasionally funny reads. This issue’s Featured Feature looks at gap years and how they’re not all they’re cracked up to be; Alex Craig interviews Nick Powers, director of the Platform Hip Hop Festival; Ethan Tuxford divulges his personal struggle with diabetes; we review a fantastically dreadful movie, The Room, as well as French films, theatre and music. And, of course, we’ve got the usual suspects: I create a three-course Dégustation de goon in the Food section and in Fashion Carla shows you how fly UTS apparel can really be; Trivial Disputes asks whether or not it’s socially acceptable to go to the movies alone; and we road test the best (read: the worst) blended breakfasts, complete with photos of James regurgitating into a bin. What’s not to love? Enjoy, readers old and new, families, friends and those looking to use Vertigo as a makeshift umbrella to cope with Sydney’s erratic weather. With everything we’ve got to offer, we trust you’ll dig every page and arrive home reasonably dry.
GEMMA KACZEREPA email@example.com
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ISSUE TWO ONE VERTIGO
Awkward University Moments: An Etiquette Guide So you’ve done it. You’ve sailed through the annual three-month stint of sloth that is every student’s right and privilege and somehow convinced yourself to go (or, pitiably, come back) to the series of awkward moments that define tertiary education. Jamesina-Le McLeod has put together a guide to ensure you come out on top*. THE COMPUTER CLASH
THE MATURE AGE STUDENT
Two people, one free computer: no blurred lines, just the victor and the defeated. One becomes free to browse Facebook, while the other must go back to silently pressuring the bored to stop watching YouTube videos so that they can demonstrate some real ambition by downloading a full-length movie instead.
We say ‘Vertigo’; they say ‘lumbago’. They’re talking dialectics; you’re talking just plain DIE. Their infamous thirst for knowledge beyond the minimum learning objectives is often indulged at exasperatingly inappropriate times- like just before a mid-lecture break. We are talking of the widespread atmosphere of frustration caused by the Mature Age Student (MAS).
So how can you make sure that the next free computer is yours? Hovering is a no-no. While you get the PC, it comes at the undeniably awkward cost of incurring the vacating person’s disgust as you knock them aside to get to the keyboardlike the socially decrepit eager beaver you are. The key is to hang back and suss out weaknesses. Be ruthless. A prosthetic limb, for example, is a weakness. But how do you beat a crippled fellow student to a terminal without looking like a jerk? Do the same as you would when you don’t want to make room for others on the footpath: put in some headphones, look straight ahead, and ignore the other person’s existence. Having noticed you and the fact that you have not noticed them, they will take on the responsibility of avoiding the social fail that is a collision. Even if they don’t back down, they’ll forfeit their cool status by rushing forwards to claim the space before you. Just continue looking obliviously ahead, and soon their muffled cries of protest as you crush their prosthetic foot between your bag and the chair will fade into the background.
A MAS need not necessarily be mature in an age sense. They need only be very (most would say too) enthusiastic about being back in a place where the founts of knowledge never run dry and no man, woman or media major is too lowly to fill their cup of learning to the brim. What they forget, of course, is that after consuming the caffeine and UDLs that make uni bearable between tute presentations, most people don’t have a whole lot of room for liquid learning left in their glasses. Make that their schooners. It’s cool though. Our boy Isaac Newton has in fact had us covered since the first MAS raised their hand- and everyone else’s ire- back in 1687. Refer to the Second Law Of Motion: the greater the MAS, the greater amount of force you need to cut it off midramble and accelerate out the door in time for you and everybody else to catch the train home.
THE ULTIMATE OXYMORON: GROUP WORK
Tutors LOVE group work. And it’s nothing less than amazing – for them. All that minimal supervision and “free sharing” around the room means they never have to prepare classwork in advance. And neither do we. But what every bludger knows and what every tutor ignores is that where groups abound, work ethic is scarcer than a patch of green grass on campus. And what already ‘sucketh’ will ‘sucketh’ that much harder when there’s a group mark attached and you know it’s you who will be organising, allocating, plotting, writing and deciding on the team name. All for a lousy 15%. Your best bet is to form an alliance with someone. The deplorable “Introduce Your Partner” exercise you’ve been subjected to throughout the first week of semester should provide a sufficiently lame bonding experience. Armed with the newfound knowledge of your partner’s favourite fruit, movie and lofty ambitions, you together can withstand even the most inevitably hungover of dropkick group members. Plus, when morale gets really low, you’ll already have someone handy when it comes to entertaining a murder-suicide pact. Though we here at Vertigo suggest positively channelling your anger towards a couple of unsuspecting MASes instead.
* That’s what she said.
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ISSUE ONE VERTIGO
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ROADTEST : BEST BLENDED BREAKFAST Words: James Bourne, Human Guinea Pig Expert Analysis: Gemma Kaczerepa, Vertigo Food Editor
Letâ€™s face it: uni students are time-poor individuals. Amongst the assignments, the daily commute and working hard to pay the rent, itâ€™s hard enough to feed yourself at any time of day - and certainly to eat anything with a semblance of nutrition. Then comes the laborious task of actually having to chew and digest said food. In our deadline-driven existence, who has time for that? Not your Vertigo Editors. Thankfully our friends (not sponsors) at Sanitarium have provided the answer- a liquid breakfast. So because Up & Go actually tastes like shit, James and Gemma invented and then tested some time-savvy* breakfast cocktails for busy students to try out.
‘AUSTRALIAN STANDARD’ Vegemite Toast with Coffee Love it or hate it, as a student living in Australia you’ve probably had to endure Vegemite at some stage in your lifetime. For some reason, the combination of a rich sodium and yeast paste on ruined bread with a scoldingly hot, bean-based beverage is already the preferred breakfast of many Australians. We set out to see if blending it all together took the bite off. We were unsurprised by the results. Bodily Discharge It Most Resembled: Chewing tobacco, already spat. Gemma’s Expert Verdict: ‘Its appearance was somewhat appealing: think slightly lumpy dark chocolate milk. Its taste was akin to burnt snot.’
‘WARM FROTHY MUSH ON THE ROCKS’ Pancakes, Maple Syrup and Whipped Butter Pancakes are certainly a sometimes breakfast; the stuff of school holiday mornings and well, themed restaurants. And while their tastiness has never been disputed, they’ve never really been a choice for people looking for breakfast on the go. Once blended, however, you can enjoy pancakes on the way to uni, work or that early morning gym session you’ve decided to put yourself through. Although ‘enjoy’ probably isn’t the right word. Bodily Discharge It Most Resembled: Creamy bile Gemma’s Expert Verdict: ‘I’ve seen more mouthwatering things come out of my younger siblings’ nappies.’
‘McBREAKFAST SMOOTHIE’ Sausage and Egg McMuffin, a Hash Brown and Orange Juice
‘THE HANGOVER’ Reheated Pizza and Mother Energy Drink
Thinking of a way to make that already delicious combination of a McMuffin, hash brown and juice even tastier? Rule out trying to liquefy it. There’s a reason that McDonald’s is popular amongst the obese and drunk alike: because they’ve refined their product to be appetising, despite its obvious shortcomings in every other department. So if blending their food helped with its sale, Maccas would have figured it out already. Trust me.
A mainstay breakfast for hung-over students, an energy drink and microwaving whatever it was you ate before going on your bender is a ritual many of us know all too well. But as if having to buy a can of Mother and reheating last night’s pizza wasn’t enough effort, you have to muster up the enthusiasm to devour it, too. Well, not any more. Drinking a pizza makes a lot more sense, especially if you’re drunk. Add Mother for an additional energy pickme-up and to help with consistency.
Bodily Discharge It Most Resembled: Vomit that someone had farted in. Gemma’s Expert Verdict: ‘Thick and mealy in texture, with complex meaty flavours and a slight citric tang. Fucking disgusting.’
‘THE AMERICAN COP BREAKFAST’ An Iced Donut with a Coffee We can’t name a single television cop who has anything other than donuts and coffee to start the day. The perfect combination of sugar and caffeine, it helps policeman keep up with outlaws and gets many a uni student through the morning after an inevitable all-nighter. So why not turn it into an easy-to-eat energy paste? I think you already know the answer. Bodily Discharge It Most Resembled: Diahorrea Gemma’s Expert Verdict: ‘I had high hopes for this combo, thinking the sweet donut would blend well with the bitter notes of the coffee. My gag reflex thought otherwise.’
Bodily Discharge It Most Resembled: Steaming hot, strangely chunky, urine Gemma’s Expert Verdict: ‘Enough said.’
So, in summary, don’t bother. Seriously don’t. I wouldn’t want to bring on even the least desirable of my acquaintances the things we put ourselves through to bring you this article. And while torture’s no laughing matter, I’d much sooner be waterboarded by US Forces than asked to finish an entire glass of any of the above. Your body is clearly a blender already. If you don’t enjoy re-eating food you’ve already digested, don’t try this at home. *It actually took us a great deal of time to prepare and blend the food. If anything, blending your food creates work. As if you needed another reason not to try this out. See our attempts at a liquid pancake breakfast online.
ISSUE ISSUEONE ONEVERTIGO VERTIGO
MIND THE GAP SO you’re going to save the orphans in Islamabad by day whilst doing the horizontal dance with an exotic Balinese surf instructor by night. You’re going to teach Peruvian children English, chunder into a herpes-ridden toilet in Burma and, on the weekends, casually climb the Andes. By the end of this eye-opening adventure you will have become tri-lingual, added a few hundred Facebook friends and won a Nobel Peace Prize. Or maybe not. More and more school-leavers are choosng to take a gap year between high school and university. Findings from a recent international STA Travel report reveal that the amount of students who are choosing to take a gap year is set to rise by 150 per cent. And according to a University of South Australia study by Dr Tom Stehlik, students who choose to take gap years are more likely to be Caucasian, private school-educated and lie in a higher socio-economic bracket. But that’s not news to those of you who started working on their UTS tans straight after high school – you can usually pick gap year students by their particular sense of know-it-all-ism.
Undoubtedly these students have told you they’re blessed with more life experience. Everyone knows the conventional wisdom: gap years are supposed to be good for you. There have been studies aplenty about their supposed benefits. The University of South Australia report revealed a correlation between students taking gap years and lower university dropout rates. It also said students who have taken gap years believe they are more self-aware than students who made the transition straight to uni. So a gap year sounds great in theory – but a theory isn’t necessarily always correct. Before you take a trip to Kathmandu to stock up on all your “gap yah” essentials, heed the eye-opening story of self-confessed drop kick, Marissa Mallach. In high school, Marissa Mallach was a star pupil. Like many Year 12-ers, Marissa’s nights were spent in the library surrounded by chewed pens and leaver arch files. It all paid off. Her UAI catapulted her into the top five per cent of the state. This outstanding result left her confident that her future aspirations of becoming an interior
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ISSUE ISSUEONE ONEVERTIGO VERTIGO
photo: Nina Harcus
designer would eventually come to fruition. She was the apple of her parents’ eyes. But sometimes the apple falls a little far from the tree… Marissa Mallach went on a gap year. “Last year was, like, one of the most amazing times I’ve ever had,” the 20-year-old says. “But to be honest, it’s been really hard to, like, settle in and to get back on track. “I don’t really know what I’m doing, I don’t really know what I want to be doing. That’s kind of scary, I used to be really in control.” After a year of partying, drinking excessively and immersing herself in the culture of far away lands, Marissa lasted only a semester in her interior design degree. “Now I’m just everywhere. I’m a bit of a mess.” Marissa’s case isn’t an isolated one. Ariel Turkia, an Arts student at the University of Sydney, experienced the same sense of disconnectedness from his former motivations after spending much of 2009 journeying around Europe, the Middle East and Asia.
“I went away most of last year and it was unbelievable; a taste of life really,” he says. “But coming back was really disheartening.” “I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know where to go. It was, like, boring really. “There was no spice, I had no energy like I felt when I was away,” he says. “It was back into the grind. You have to get a job and go to uni. “I was living so free while I was away. It was awesome.” Vertigo is sure it was awesome. But sadly, reality just has that way of biting you on the arse. Unfortunately, you are going to have to get a job and go to uni. It might not be a bad idea if you’re going away for the year to devote a few moments of your time to thinking about what you’re going to do when your year is up. So if you aren’t sure about your future direction, leaving your sheltered school playground could be a bigger risk than it seems. Taking that gap year to climb the Himalayas might give you a fresh perspective on life…
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But it could also send you off the precipice.
Hip Hop & You Don’t Stop
ISSUE TWO VERTIGO
Interview with Nick Powers, organiser of the Platform Hip Hop Festival at CarriageWorks Sydney.
This March-April marks the fourth annual CarriageWorks Platform Hip-Hop Festival – a four week showcase of Australian and international hip-hop culture. Vertigo scored an interview with the show’s orGaniser, Nick Power (A.K.A. B-Boy Rely) who’s responsible for the MCs, DJs & beat boxers, visually amazing break dancers and graffiti artists. . 12 .
ISSUE TWO VERTIGO
How did you get started in the Hip-Hop community, and break dancing? Toowoomba, I started in Toowoomba. It’s a small town outside of Brisbane, and how I got into it was a friend of mine came up from Brisbane, and he had with him a hype magazine, which is a graffiti mag. I looked through that and started doing pieces in the local Toowoomba area, and that was my first in road. I guess breaking came from knowing it was part of hip-hop culture, and just wanting to burn dudes at my school social [laughs], everyone else was doing house dancing, and I started doing windmills and stuff.
something so massive for the hip-hop community of Australia, especially Sydney. I’ve always put on events - for over a decade I’ve been running hip-hop jams. So I already had that idea of hip-hop events, and I work for a dance company at CarriageWorks. They [CarriageWorks] wanted to attract a new audience to their venue, and they were interested in a youth, urban-based festival. I told them I ran hip-hop gigs, and they came and saw one I was doing in Brisbane, called Battle City, and they saw potential within that . . . So since then they’ve been 100 per-cent behind my vision of putting on a hip-hop festival that is true to the culture.
Through your abilities you’ve been able to travel the world and experience other hip-hop communities, how does it differ from Australia in the US or EU? Well I think that Australia and Sydney has a really strong hip-hop community, all the elements are there. I guess the difference is the number of people who are into it; like in the States the scene is bigger, which breeds more competition… but I’ll tell you the legacy Australia holds is strong, in graffiti we are world renowned, and in b-boying the b-boy all stars led the world in power moves during the 90’s. So there’s a real legacy, and people overseas know Australia has a real legacy and continues to push the art form.
Your previous show was called Elevate, I’ve seen pictures of guys wearing stilts and holding metal cube frames. Have you taken what people see as traditional break dancing and blended it with something else, to give people a new feel, something unique? So I originally came up with this show for a company called Stalker, and they have come up with this new style of stilt acrobatics doing back flips and all kinds of crazy things . . . Then I directed a show to a hip-hop soundtrack using b-boys and acrobats. So they do windmills on stilts, and I guess that was taking b-boying, and coupling that with this different dance style. It was really successful. We toured Europe twice and did shows all around Australia, and they asked me to do another one, and that one is called Elevate.
You’ve had a chance to work with some major names like Grandmaster Flash, and Run D.M.C, who essentially tagged the term ‘two turn tables and a microphone’, what’s it like working with these institutions of the hip hop community? It was good, it was really incredible to do shows with them and speak to them, and just the history behind those people is huge. It’s always an honour to get to perform with them, and it’s something you look back upon and think that was a really great moment. How did the CarriageWorks festival get started? It’s
For people who don’t know who or what to see at CarriageWorks, are there any stand-out acts that will give them a good taste of the hip-hop scene? You’ve got Rahzel (Beat boxer), JS1 (DJ), and Supernatural (Freestyle MC). These guys are from America and the top of their game. They’ll be on the stage at the same time and do a 2-hour show. That’s an awesome gig, and they call themselves The Magnificents. I also heard there will be an old school vs. new school hip-hop battle.
The Platform hip-hop festival at CarriageWorks starts March 12th and runs all the way until the 2nd of April. Aside from live performances from some of the world’s, and Australia’s, pre-eminent hip-hop acts, there are also free hip-hop classes for those wanting to learn and paid-for classes for those with a little experience. Another highlight is the street art tour guided by Mistery, that explores Sydney’s Inner West graffiti. For all the information and details visit Platformhiphop.com.au -Alexander Craig
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ISSUE TWO VERTIGO
Ethan Tuxford thought he was dying: over three months he’d shrunk away into a shadow of his former self. And then, at 19, he found out he had diabetes. Here’s his story. Last year, after 19 years of idle bliss, sugar benders, McDonald’s birthday parties and All-YouCan-Eat Pizza Hut buffets, I was one of those seven million worldwide who heard the words, “You have diabetes”. It was heartbreaking. In the moments following – when I was confronted with talk about insulin, carbohydrate counting and other lifestyle changes – my mind went into a state of mourning and, well, relief. Relief sounds like a strange word to associate with a situation like this, but I really was relieved because for the three months before I was diagnosed, I thought I was dying. I’d dropped a drastic five kilograms, had become close acquaintances with every public toilet at UTS and had to suffer continual stares and interrogations from friends and family about my suddenly ‘anorexic’ appearance. I had no idea what was happening to me. Upon going to my local GP I was told: “You’re probably just really stressed. Try to relax.” I remember walking out and wanting to cry because I didn’t feel stressed, and if I didn’t feel stressed how could I relax? So you can imagine that it was a genuine relief to hear what I went through was normal for someone with untreated Type 1 diabetes. The relief is only something that I can truly appreciate seven months on. My mourning process was very similar to that of the death of a loved one. At first I didn’t know how to react- but then the emotions kicked in and the Oscar-winning performance began. I yelled; masculinely tried, and failed, not to cry, and disowned God before embracing him again with the question, “why me?” And then I began to rationalise what all of it meant. Chocolates, cakes and sweets were all gone. No more Coke, just Diet Coke. I thought alcohol would have to go, and I wasn’t sure what the deal with this whole carbohydrates thing was. Did that mean bread, pasta and everything else I’d eaten without a care for my entire life would have to go? I wasn’t sure how I was going to live on a diet like that. But when I look back over the seven months since my diagnosis, it turns out eating hasn’t been the most frustrating part of having diabetes. What’s more irritating is having to answer the continually asked question of: “So, what can you eat?” Because really – thankfully - diabetics can eat anything. Having diabetes is like being on a very strict carbohydrate diet. If you eat well, exercise and do everything in moderation then you will never have a problem. Diabetics are forced to live a lifestyle that everyone should live anyway, but that doesn’t mean we still can’t enjoy the sweeter things in life. Of the past seven months, two of them were spent in Europe and the UK, where I ate some of the world’s best chocolate and waffles in Bruges, had the most amazing scones and cream in the UK and spent Christmas Eve savouring every bite of my fresh bread-and-butter pudding from Portobello Road. And while these treats weren’t made sugar-free, I was still encouraged to eat them occasionally to maintain a balanced diet. With millions of people living with diabetes around the world, sugar-free products are available everywhere. Some of the best ice creams and lollies are made with sugar substitutes- although, unfortunately, a few too many of them warn that “too much consumption may cause diarrhea”. And to clarify, alcohol is not at all a diabetic’s enemy. Due to their chemical makeup, alcoholic drinks tend to lower sugar levels. So the jellybeans always come with me on a big night out to keep my blood sugar up. More positively, though, it is probably the only time in my life where I have had girls willing to buy me drinks to avoid the bar staff judging their date’s masculinity- when I have to order a Diet Coke and Bourbon. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have days where all these positives appear meaningless, where everything seems too hard. But these moments are short-lived when you consider the number of successful people who live with diabetes. Celebrities such as actress Mary Tyler Moore, Star Wars director George Lucas, World Champion boxers “Sugar” Ray Robinson and “Smokin” Joe Frazier and the King himself, Elvis Presley, all lived successful lives without viewing diabetes as a limitation. In a funny sort of way, it’s humbling to know that you never struggle alone and that people have always done it before you. To view being a diabetic as a constant obstacle would make life difficult and incredibly depressing. In life we can only play the cards we are dealt and I, along with 247 million other people, were dealt a diabetic life. But when put into context, it’s not so bad. It can actually be pretty sweet.
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ISSUE TWO VERTIGO
THE SWEETER SIDE OF A SUGAR FREE LIFE ETHAN TUXFORD
Diabetes is a dietary condition that affects nearly 250 million people worldwide. Every year, another seven million people are diagnosed with Type 1 (early adult onset) or Type 2 (lifestyle-generated) diabetes.
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S H O W C A S E
ISSUE ONE VERTIGO
MILLER .......................................................................................................................... DEVICES
The devices directors use in movies really effect people. Hapless collateral damage, red herrings, offended hot girl #3. Who wants to know why the guy is running at midnight? I keep thinking about that guy. The guy running on the street at midnight in a hood. It is cold and steam is rising from the grates in the street. He maintains his speed as he passes doorways and alley openings, his heart rate is always in check, breathing steady, breath left hung in a trail behind him. The pursued, the victim, the woman, sees our runner in the distance. He runs at her. His pace consistent. Face covered, essentially he is faceless. His face catches the light from streetlamps. The hollows of his eyes and cheeks left in shadows. We the viewer imagine that the running man can smell his victim. Her scent caught in his nose, making his nostrils flair, making his mind soupy with lust and blood and the hunt. Each step closes the gap. We cut close into her face, she breathes, then bites her lip. She looks around trying to see better in the dark. Cut to him in a dead-on mid shot. Steady as a train, efficient clean strides. The hunted’s heart races. She looks around again, under her coat and clothes. Her hair is up on her arms and she looks back to the locked door from which she has just come. Her car is right there. Where are the keys? She fumbles them from her bag. She twitches the key into the lock of the car door but she is
nervous so she drops them in the gutter. The runner keeps coming, the street lights catch him. The metronomic sound of his run is chasing her heart beat up. He is bearing down on her now, his pace seems to be quickening, his steps are deafening as is the beat and ring of her heart in her head. Goddammit. Her mother told her never to swear but she must now. The keys are slippery. They will not slide into the lock like they used to. The man running has her now. He is on her. The door won’t open, the lock has popped but the handle is slimy. She jiggles it. It won’t open. She squeezes her eyes shut, she awaits the pain, her muscles clench, the steps from his runners are deafening and inches from her, she shies away from the inevitable. The steps pass her. They disappear into the humdrum of the city and she opens her eyes. The runner keeps on. Steady as a train. She wipes the sweat from her upper lip despite the cold night. She giggles and rolls her eyes at her silliness. A lady walking a puffy white dog passes her, nods an uneasy nod. Our protagonist without struggle opens her car door and sits into the leather seat. She feels secure and snug and flicks on the central locking. She starts the car and forgets to check the back seat. The dark back seat. Didn’t even think of it. She pulls out from the curb and accelerates down the street.
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ISSUE TWO VERTIGO
Carpark 1, 2010; Lasercut model
ABOVE: Powertower 02, 2010; Lasercut model RIGHT: Concept Model 3, 2010; Lasercut model
SOUTHWOOD-JONES .................................................................................................................................................... THE DIGITAL AND EXPERIMENTAL SIDE OF ARCHITECTURE
.................................................................................................................................................... Andrew is currently in his third year of a Bachelor of Design in Architecture. At the moment, his particular focus is the digital and experimental side of architecture. He is also interested in how architectural digital design and fabrication techniques can be integrated, not only with architecture, but with other design fields. As an architect Andrew does not want to be limited to designing the building, but wants to design every aspect of it; from the surrounding environment, to the interior, furniture and the fittings. Andrew has won a number of design competitions and awards, most recently the HP Cityscape 2020 City Life Competition. Over the past year he has been working for several architecture firms and has recently set up his own design/fabrication workshop in Surry Hills with fellow UTS student Alexander Kashin. Currently, they are experimenting with how quality architecture can become more accessible through digital fabrication techniques to make the production process flexible, fast and precise. At the moment his firm is involved in several projects with different design fields, including architecture, fashion, industrial and interior design.
ISSUE TWO VERTIGO
Island 03, 2010; Lasercut, soldered, handcut model
ISSUE TWO VERTIGO
TRIVIAL DISPUTES It’s happened to everyone. You really want to see that movie... but everyone you’d want to watch it with has already seen it (and raved about it). So does that make it acceptable to go to the movies on your own? Manda Diaz and Daniel Piotrowski duke it out.
IS IT ACCEPTABLE TO GO TO THE MOVIES ON YOUR OWN?
There are some things that you shouldn’t do by yourself. No doubt you’ve already thought of a number of slightly perverted examples. (If not, please take the time to do so.) If going to the movies wasn’t on your list, it should have been. The very idea is embarrassing, awkward, anti-social and, well, just a little bit wrong. LOL JKS, seeing a movie alone is amazing. We go to the cinema for the experience. We want to see whichever film we’ve chosen on the big screen, and buy snacks from the candy bar (even though the nearest Woolworths would be a more practical alternative). If humanity didn’t want to partake in this beautiful modern ritual, we’d all download movies illegally, and watch them on our iPhones while on public transport - looking up only to make sure other commuters were admiring how techno chic we are. But we don’t. (Or if we do, we should be aware that we look like wankers.) The benefit of sailing solo to the silver screen is obvious -- you get to see what you want, when you want. It’s all about you. Got a secret fetish for ballet movies with lesbian sex sequences? Desperate to see if the latest Big Momma movie lives up to its predecessors? Go it alone. It means you don’t have to bribe or threaten your boyfriend/mate/nanna to sit through something they don’t want to see. And better yet, you don’t have to reach a compromise with them. The socially self-conscious shirk the opportunity to indulge in m(ovie)e time because they’re afraid of being seen. But here’s the thing: you don’t need an entourage to sit quietly in a dark room for two hours. Bursting to share your witty one-liners? That’s what Twitter’s for. Otherwise, just go it alone. Other people hang around with you (presumably), so you spending time in your own company can’t be that unbearable. Unless you also watch movies on your iPhone.
Look. You and I both know you couldn’t hack the humiliation of being stared at by That Guy who takes your tickets and points you in the direction of the cinema as you try and enter the movies on your own. Or the look of disdain on the ticket-seller’s face as you ask for ‘just a student to Big Momma’s House 2.’ So imagine running into a friend of yours and their entourage outside the cinema. The fact of the matter is going to the movies with an entourage enhances your experience tenfold. Think about it. First, bringing along one of your more talkative friends can provide you with incisive and up-to-theminute analysis of how the lead actor looks a teensy bit like their ex-boyfriend. Insight that you’d otherwise be bereft of. Alright, I was (probably) kidding. But hey, even if you do take a talkative date to the movies there are excellent methods available to shut them up: for example, sticking your tongue down their throat. However, there’s simply no way you’re going to get lucky if you go the movies on your own. Not even a snuggle. And even though the advent of assigned seating means you’re probably going to sit next to someone, chances are if you don’t know them they aren’t going to appreciate your attempted yawn-and-stretch because you’re just some fucking weirdo who goes to the movies on your own and puts your arm around complete strangers. Thankfully, if you don’t have friends because you do things just like that Vertigo has the answer. Just as technology has powered presidential campaigns and fuelled Middle Eastern revolutions, it’s also provided a solution to this particularly humiliating faux pas: if you’ve got no one to go to the movies with, just stream it on your laptop or iPhone. Drastic embarrassment avoided, you can then rest assured that you’re just as cool and in-sync with pop culture as the techno chic product in your hand.
Manda Diaz is a film journalist, blogger and is not nearly self-conscious enough to worry about going to a theatre on her own.
Daniel Piotrowski is a Vertigo editor who still hasn’t seen The Social Network (but pretends he has) because he’s too selfconscious to go to the movies on his own.
Next edition: Should babies be put on leashes?
The only leash-baby turned Vertigo editor goes head to head with social norms.
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Defamer ISSUE ONE VERTIGO
THE SECTION OF THIS MAGAZINE THAT’S DELIBERATELY LIGHT
“She only did it for the Ginge vote” : Julia Gillard’s stepdaughter reveals the PM’s real hair colour
Harry Kewell announces availability for 2050 World Cup
Julian Assange to release Wiki-leeks cookbook
Spielberg Announces Intention To Direct ‘FIFA’ Adaptation
Zombie Pigeons Attack Students and constant harassment from Anna Watanabe Hats and Headware Reporter people, have mutated” she and Occasional Bird-Fancier said from her treetop office. “I’ve observed them working in groups of two or three: Three UTS students have one poses as a distraction, been placed in quarantine after being attacked by a new pecking at an unattended species of carnivorous, pos- sandwich or trying to fly out sibly undead, pigeon, Vertigo the automatic doors while others fly in low and attack, can report.. The winged demons, nick- often aiming for the neck,” Professor Storks added. named “Angry Birds”, are “So, unlike most zombies, faster, more intelligent and more bloodthirsty than their they’re quite crafty. Not at all mindless.” outdoor cousins. University vice-chancellor, Professor Robin Storks of the UTS Ornithology Depart- Professor Ross Milbourne, visited the hospitalised stument made the discovery late last month, and believes dents yesterday. “The quarantining is more that the birds are a highly evolved species that students of a precaution than anything,” he said. should be wary of. “Oh, and naturally we’re “It looks like several birds worried that these students have become trapped inside might have a terrible, unthe Tower when it was first quenchable thirst for brains.” built- and with the low light, minimal grainy food sources
INSIDE Lleyton Hewitt concedes: “I’ll never win another grand slam”- content with “slamming Bec instead”- SPORT Rare truffle sells for $250K Buyer described by auctioneer as ‘man who hates money’ –FINANCE, Page 50 Our critics declare Mike and Molly a ‘Huge’ failure Sub-editor waits months to make subtle fat joke- TV Liftout
Others state that, minus Mario Spaghetti-Ravioli Hollywood Correspondant and late game handball penalties due to a wrongly pressed Offensive Italian Stereotype button or unrealistic ball The popular video game se- physics, there is no real ries ‘FIFA’ will be made into element of drama to the a feature film, producers told game, either. But when it came to the the press yesterday. Steven Spielberg will direct plot, Spielberg announced his intention to stay true to the film, inspired by the the intention of the original ‘Manager Mode’ section of the game. Filming will begin game. “As most everyone knows, in January of next year. Spielberg was tight lipped FIFA is a fairly monotonous about his casting intentions. and boring series of matches “Obviously Johnny Depp or with a strange addiction Harrison Ford would be ideal that nobody can really put to play the role of the gnarled a finger on,” the veteran director said. old manager, just trying to “I don’t think our viewers find his way from matchday to matchday,” Spielberg said. should expect any surprises.” The film, already being “Sadly, I doubt either would billed as ‘perfect for the be interested.” whole family’, is expected to The producers are lookbe out in time for Christmas ing to build on the suc2012. Some critics, however, cess of other video game believe that like most video adaptations, such as Prince games, only teenage males of Persia, Final Fantasy and their long-suffering and Resident Evil, Resigirlfriends will ever actually dent Evil:Apocalypse and Resident Evil:Poorly Justified watch it. Excuse For A 3D Threequel. “Our research has shown that many teenage males are TODAY’S UTS FORECAST wasting their lives playing FIFA already,” a spokesperWEATHER: son for the film said. Cold with a chance of showers. “We don’t think it will be FOOD: too much of a stretch to get Cold with a reasonable chance of them out of the house to being warmed or re-warmed. waste another two hours of ARCHITECTURE: their life watching a movie Cold with a good chance of about it.” artificial lighting. Critics of the project TUTORS: believe that all players of Cold with a strong chance of the game really do is sit poor humour and unreasonable still while going through expectations. the same series of events THE REASON YOUR NOSE IS RUNNING: every ten minutes, with no Cold with a chance of Influenza. real narrative, conclusion or emotional pay-off.
ISSUE TWO VERTIGO
Keneally: “What About Me?”
Anna Watanabe Popular Culture Editor and Serial Procrastinator
A Clarification Letter from Mark Latham You may have read recently in certain newspapers of ill repute that I am of the view that women who do not have children are incapable of feeling the emotion of love. As usual, the irresponsible Australian media have turned me into a laughingstock by oversimplifying my revolutionary, yet perfectly logical, arguments. Today I would like to set the record straight, and explain my position in full. All women, regardless of their motherly status, are extra-terrestrial life forms from a galaxy far beyond our milky way. As such, they cannot be trusted. History tells us from the moment the first woman, ‘Mary’, landed on earth using her intergalactic umbrella with a talking, parrot shaped handle, human civilisation has been rife with instability and tragedy. Prior to that time, the growth of the human race had progressed without incident the way nature intended – with the males of our species laying eggs to create children. Occasionally these eggs would result in junior women, or ‘girls’, but their inferior sporting abilities soon rendered them social outcasts that would have little impact on the decision making processes that led to the global triumphs of masculine humanity: such as World War I and its belated sequel. The arrival of ‘Mary’, however, signalled a shift in human thought. Here was a creature that could not only control the minds of our children, but seemed perfectly capable of manipulating adult males as well. The choice for humanity was clear: neutralise the alien or perish. Despite the best efforts of our most trusted operative, Commander Van
Dyke, it soon became clear that no amount of chalk drawings or rooftop dancing could alter the alien woman’s vice like grip on the minds of those around her. Alas, it was not until Mary had long since returned to the nebula that a different British Commander, Mr Bond of MI6, discovered that the aliens could be neutralised by impregnation. This tactic, it seems, has the effect of normalising these women from outer space into life forms not dissimilar from humans like you and I. Despite the continuing and prolific impregnation resistance led by Commander Bond, the influx of women from outer space following the landing of ‘Mary’ has been so great in number that there are still scores of these beings living amongst us that are yet to be assimilated into humanity. I truly feel for these women. As a human, I only wish for love, consumerism, sham wows and all other joys of humanity to be shared among all creatures, including extra terrestrials. Unfortunately, the rise to the Australian Prime Ministership of one of their kind shows that my dream is far from reality. This, I think, is the point at which my thoughts were misconstrued. I can understand how any journalist would have been unable to grapple with such advanced thinking, and for this I bear no grudge. I just wish there was less nonsense in the media and more clear thinkers. Like me. Mark Latham was the Leader of the Labor Party from 2003-2005. He now spends his time being professionally bitter.
Security camera footage of New South Wales Premier Kristina Keneally begging for a natural disaster has gone viral. The three-and-a-half minute video has become a YouTube hit, with more than 10,000 views in the past two days. The Premier is seen staring at herself in the mirror of the ladies bathroom lamenting the lack of natural disasters befalling her state. “That lucky bitch gets it all!” the footage shows her screaming. “What about me?” After some time, Ms Keneally breaks down and sobs: “It’s not fair! I want a fire. Or a plague of locusts. Anything.” When asked for his opinion on the video, Opposition Leader Barry O’Farrell said he felt sorry for the Premier. “I’m not sure what she’s complaining about,” he said. “Everything the Labor Party touches in this state is a disaster already.”
ISSUE TWO VERTIGO
defamerCULTURE defamerADVICE... Defamer’s resident advice-dispenser is Maggie K. She’s a person, not a machine that dispenses advice for a fee. I mean, we pay her and everything. She’s just not mechanical. Everybody keeps making fun of my taste in music! The eighties were cool, right? We built this city on keytar and big hair, brother! Sorry, the only legitimate way for a member of our generation to enjoy the eighties is ironically. Your friends are all hipsters, aren’t they? Just tell them you like the Sisters of Mercy because their big hair, sunglasses and penchant for riding horses through the desert for no reason are hilarious! This is of course presuming you ARE a member of our generation – if you’re a teacher, your friends are probably making fun of your taste in music because they like Beethoven. I can’t really help you there.
Hipsters No Longer Listening To Radio Ben McCaffery Music Snob and Closet Communist The latest radio ratings have shown a drop to zero in FBi and triple j’s key ‘Hipster’ demographic. Normally a favourite with gearless-bike riders, listeners are moving away in droves in response to the increasingly ‘mainstream’ sound of both stations. “Everyone’s sold out man” said Richard McElhorn, selfconfessed music snob and wearer of lens-less glasses. “I mean, everything is just, like, so stereotyped now. I can’t even listen to the radio now without criticising my friends for listening to it themselves.” John Rogerson, head of programming at FBi, says the station is investigating ways to brings the once loyal listeners back. “We’re now trialling a Whalesong Half-Hour each Monday night, which is testing well with listeners,” Rogerson said. “As we all know, aquatic mammals have no concept
of pop music. Our hipper listeners seem to react well to that.” The figures are worrying for festival organisers, too, who are now having to dramatically alter their lineups to draw usual punters in. Splendour In The Grass organiser Stu O’Shea said he is already planning to move the festival in a different direction this year. “We’ve heard from a lot of cider-drinkers that most music artists are producing lack any real creative integrity” O’Shea laments. In order to sell a few tickets this year, O’Shea’s had a white-noise tent installed, and it has been announced that one of the stages will be dedicated to a mixture of sirens and alarms. “We can only hope that’s what these guys want,” O’Shea lamented. “I mean, for some reason, the only people who want to come to our festivals are these city-dwelling former arts students who are unemployed, well dressed and inexplicably wealthy.”
I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. He’s become distant and he keeps mumbling about someone called Riley in his sleep and he smells like fish whenever he comes home late. And one time when we were making love, he started speaking in tongues! How do I figure out which skank I need to cut? I hate to break it to you, but I suspect that skank is the Great Elder God Cthulu. What you need to do is stockpile some dynamite and follow him down to the docks where he performs his eldritch ceremonies. Set fuses at each compass point of the building he and his fellow cultists have adapted to their foul purposes. Then find a new boyfriend. Is it ever a good idea to smuggle a bong down my pants past campus security? No. (You can smuggle a bucket, a soft drink bottle and some duct tape in plain sight! That’s much more comfortable.) What is the right and proper way to avoid a grue? Offer it a sandwich. Then engage it in a thoughtful discussion of Non-Utilitarian Consequentialism. Be sure to namedrop Jean-Paul Sartre, Nietzsche and that one guy who always argues with your Philosophy lecturer. Then run away.
BALL-SQUEEZERS™ Help your falsetto to reach great new heights with “Ball-Squeezers™”. YouTube sensation Nick Pitera: “My range has always been fairly average and I’ve depended on my song writing abilities for a long time now. But thanks to Ball-Squeezers, I can hit that high D in ‘A Whole New World’ every time.” Sold exclusively at Allen’s Music
PLACES TO GO... If You’re A Hipster Fuck
Everyone knows you have to ‘be seen to be scene’. So instead of staring at your shoes all day, follow Vertigo’s guide to the top four places to go if you’re a shameless, pretentious, drug-fucked hipster in search of a good time!
DRINK // Art at Lo Fi Collective, Level 3, 383 Bourke St, Taylor Square Every Thursday, Lo Fi Collective showcases the work of the most obscure local and international designers, artists and photographers. This place is the perfect combination of booze, art and ironic 90’s hip-hop, which will give you a killer hangover during your 9am uni prac-art class. Plus it’s super easy to score! SHOP // Shopping at Cream on Crown, 277 Crown St, Surry Hills Impress your critical hipster buddies by decking yourself out in killer second-hand threads from Cream on Crown. This affordable custom vintage store will have you rocking a paisley button-up, plaid skinny pants and distressed leather winklepickers, giving you that ultimate hipster aesthetic. The only thing you can’t buy is a fuck-off attitude! EAT // Dinner at Don Dons, 80 Oxford St, Darlinghurst Before you pop down to Shady Pines Saloon for complimentary whisky shots, fill your stomach with delicious edamame beans from cosy Japanese restaurant, Don Dons. Even though you spent your last 20 dollars on drugs, with plenty of affordable green things on the menu this restaurant will fuel your pseudo-veganism as well as being easy on the wallet. Slurp up your miso soup as you commence hollow faux intellectual conversation with your drunk Oliver Peoples-wearing art school pals. LISTEN // Records at Red Eye Records, 370 Pitt St, Sydney This joint has every essential record to complete the vinyl collection of any aspiring purist hipster DJ. Even though you don’t own a record player, you can gain scene points from your indie pals for mounting an original Joy Division 7” on your wall. You can probably get that ‘rare’ Crystal Castles Crimewave 12” vinyl on CD for 20 bucks... but that would so passé! Fuck technology!
wUTS HAPPENING UTS Gallery If you’re feeling a little cultured, check out the season
opening exhibition at the UTS Gallery: *Natural Digression*. The exhibition will feature seven cross-disciplinary artists , using media like needlepoint, video, animation, paint, glue and collages. *Natural Digression*: 8 March – 8 April on Level 4 of the Tower.
THE LOFT Starting this year, The Loft will be the home of a ‘mini-O-Fest’ party night on the last Thursday of each month. Acts like Oakes & Lennox and Matt Nukewood & Kid Kaos will be playing this month, as well as a host of DJ’s who were also performing at O-Fest. The Loft: March 31 from 6pm.
Take a look at what some UTS-ers have been up to in the DAB Lab. The upcoming gallery is a photography exhibition by Mark Roxburgh – senior lecturer in the School of Design at UTS. His gallery, *The (F)utility of Design: Vision and Crisis of the Artificial *explores Mark’s theory for the use of photo-observation methods in design research. *The (F)utility of Design: Vision and Crisis of the Artificial:* March 8- April 1 in the DAB Lab Gallery, Building 6.
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For 3 More Minutes With Carla.....
SUBMIT TO VERTIGO firstname.lastname@example.org
ISSUE TWO VERTIGO
Degustation de Goon
words: Gemma Kaczerepa I’m a well-known regular at my local bottle shop. So much so that I can rock up three times in one night and they won’t blink an eye or refuse service. Anyway, the point of this long and probably irrelevant story is that I like my grog, but mainly when it’s cheap. So this issue I’m doing a dedication to a drink that is holy among students and desperate alcoholics (or, in my case, all of the above) alike: Goon. But this is Goon as you’ve never seen it before – it’s been tszujed up, amplified to top-notch quality and fed a dose of wank. Here it is, dear readers, my dégustation de Goon. It’s Moët excellence on a, well, Goon budget.
Salade verte avec une sauce de Goon ½ cup of white goon Juice of 1 lemon 1 TBSP extra virgin olive oil Salt and pepper 100g mixed salad leaves 1 TBSP capers, drained
1. In a small saucepan, heat the Goon, lemon juice, salt and pepper. 2. Simmer for five minutes then remove from heat. 3. Leave to cool completely. 4. Place the salad leaves and capers in a salad bowl and toss with the Goon mixture and olive oil. 5. Serve.
Coq au Goon
1 TBSP extra virgin olive oil 4 cloves garlic, finely chopped 1 medium brown onion, finely chopped 150g bacon rashers, finely chopped 4 chicken drumsticks 1 TBSP plain flour
1 cup of white Goon 1 cup of chicken stock 6 sprigs of thyme 1 TBSP tomato paste 200g mushrooms, finely sliced Salt and pepper
1. In a large, heavy-based saucepan, heat the olive oil. When hot, add the garlic, onion and bacon and cook until fragrant. 2. Add the chicken and cook until lightly browned. Stir in the flour. 3. Add the Goon, chicken stock and thyme and bring to the boil. 4. Reduce the heat, cover with a lid and simmer for 40 minutes. 5. Remove the chicken from the pot and add the tomato paste and mushrooms. Stir to combine and simmer for another 20 minutes. 6. Add the chicken back in and simmer for another ten minutes. 7. Season with salt and pepper to taste. 8. Serve with mashed potato, pasta, rice or, if you’re a lazy shit, a piece of bread.
Coq au Goon
1 cup of white Goon 1 cup of caster sugar 1 tsp cinnamon A few drops of vanilla essence 2 peaches, halved with the pits removed 1. Place the Goon and the sugar in a medium saucepan and bring to a simmer. 2. Once the sugar has dissolved, add the cinnamon and vanilla. 3. Add the peaches and simmer for 15-20 minutes, or until the peaches are cooked through. 4. Serve with vanilla ice cream, yoghurt or, if you’re a lazy shit, a piece of bread.
The taste tester for this meal was my very critical flatmate. Her verdict? “To be honest I didn’t have very high expectations. But I genuinely enjoyed it!”
ISSUE TWO VERTIGO
Stylin’ UTS Memorabilia
words: carla Efstratiou Sick of crowded shopping centres and cheaply made clothing? Then look no further than the UTS Union shop for your year-round uni get-up.
Does UTS have a snow ski team? Or a sailing team? Maybe even a track and field team? I’m not really sure- and I don’t really care- but for argument’s sake, let’s say UTS competes in some sort of inter-uni sports. It’s the only legitimate excuse for stocking such heavy duty, professional gear. Why anyone would team an insulated puffy vest (think George in that Seinfeld episode) with a rain jacket (the real kind- with velcro and zippers galore) in Sydney’s climate is beyond me. I mean, it’s not like we’re in Siberia.
Despite the severe lack of sunlight in the hallowed halls of our institution, the wide range of UTS caps, polo tops and t-shirts are sure to keep your face and body shaded for the pilgrimage between the Broadway and Haymarket campuses. UTS channeled the simple genius of the likes of Alexander Wang and Acne when designing the light and airy round neck staple tee in a variety of colours.
Looking for a touch of class and elegance for that sophisticated night out- or even your 21st birthday bash? Try UTS’s range of stylish “black label” bells and whistles. Graduates may want to add some uni-pride to their special day by donning a UTS-emblazoned tie and cuff-links. The girls can add some vintage glamour to their special outfit by casually tying a UTS scarf around their neck- or head, for those über-trendy indie types.
Let’s be avant-garde and not discuss fashion in the fashion section. Have you ever sat on one of UTS’s comfortable couches with a glass of water but been too scared to put it down for fear of splashing the polished wood table? I have. For precarious situations like this, UTS coasters are a godsend. While you’re at it, justify that week-before-exams bender by sipping Passion Pop out of UTS flutes.
.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. NICK JORDAN
...................................... As the deadline for exchange applications draws closer, Nick Jordan sends a warning to students looking to travel to places frostier than home. Snow is like a friend who is a serial killer. Let’s call this friend ‘Utvak’. When you first meet Utvak, you don’t really know anything about him. He seems exciting and different and you want to spend all your time with him because he brings such a unique experience and you secretly enjoy the novelty of having a friend with a different ethnicity to you- so much so, you kind of want to show off your friendship with him. However, after spending so much intense time with him, you slowly start to learn that Utvak’s quirks are not born out of his whimsical, maybe magically foreign existence; they come from the inherent flaws of his character. You begin to learn that Utvak didn’t have a mum and dad, he just had a horny uncle and aunt who were also absent during his childhood because they were actually half Ox - and Ox are well known not just for their shiny, warm coats, but also their inability to raise human children. So from this unfortunate start in life, Utvak has developed a thirst for an endless list of undesirable activities.
Most notably: killing people. “Hey, Guess what I JUST did?” he confides in you, emphasising the wrong word because he is just that crazy. “What?” you reply, scared and secretly carrying a knife in the back of your thermals and wearing an Ox-buck-proof vest over your fragile ribs. “I killed MARY!” he shouts, his eyes so fuelled with excitement they almost reach out and touch yours. You squeeze out a “Hahaha.” He thinks you have laughed, but it was actually the sound of a gassy shit squirming out of your arse. Naturally, you try to distance yourself from Utvak... but you can’t. He is everywhere. All that time you have lovingly invested in him has caused a deep connection; you are the closest thing to his half Ox-uncle-dad. Moreover, you can’t just say to him, “Hey Utvak, stop killing my friends. Also, I think I need some space from you. I find you suffocatingly annoying,” because then you’re endangering yourself and you can’t tell the police either because Utvak is just a complicated and nonsensical metaphor for snow who doesn’t actually tangibly exist. Regardless, he will be with you forever.
ISSUE TWO VERTIGO
FEATURED REVIEW Ava Nirui
THE ROOM film
My irrepressible obsession with the 2003 film, The Room, began mid July last year, outside The Red Vic Movie House in San Francisco, California. At 11.45pm on a rainy evening, hundreds of agitated fans lined up on Haight Street, waiting for the doors of the cinema to swing open. The atmosphere was buzzing as members of the drunken crowd threw fistfuls of plastic utensils at each other while reciting chunks of dialogue from the film with impeccable accuracy. Each fan held a pamphlet marked ‘Viewers Guide to the Screening’, outlining a series of communal rituals to be exercised during the midnight presentation. This unique crowd dynamic was so intriguing that I was prompted to experience the film for myself. This was the greatest decision of my life. The Room is so fucking awful it’s amazing. The Room is 99 minutes of pure, unadulterated, aesthetic rape, which is in turn strangely euphoric and compelling to watch. The amount of brain cells lost can only be equated to the amount of tears shed from hysterically laughing. And even though you are disgusted by the film, you develop a sick obsession with the two-dimensional characters, the dead-end plot and the hilariously nonsensical dialogue. This is why the box office flop, The Room, has become one of the most popular cult films of the 21st century, with ritual midnight screenings in over 10 nations, worldwide. The process of viewing the film is, in itself, theatrical. It is customary that audience members give critical commentary during the screening, based on a set of guidelines provided to them. Examples of such criticisms include yelling, “Who the Fuck Are You?!” at unidentified characters, as well as throwing handfuls of plastic spoons whenever mysterious framed photos of spoons appear on screen. These screenings are demonstrative of the calibre of intense cult fanaticism that has developed over this film. Ethnically ambiguous and multi-‘un-talented’ actor, Tommy Wiseau, assumes the role of director, producer, writer and star of the film. He plays Johnny, a prosperous investment banker who is completely oblivious to the fact that his promiscuous and wildly unattractive wife Lisa (Juliette Danielle) is sleeping with his best friend
Mark (Greg Sestero). In a series of cyclical and futile events, Johnny’s world is turned upside down due to his wife’s deceitful and manipulative ways. Wiseau attempts to lightly address every single traumatic issue facing modern American societies, including drugs, suicide and illness, in order to make the film ‘more relatable.’ The film is frenzied with unresolved subplots, as well as unaddressed events and characters which draw away from the actual ‘purpose’ of the film. Such incidental events include a cancer diagnosis and a run-in with a threatening drug dealer, among dozens of others, which create significant plot holes in the narrative. With actors frequently being recast mid-way through the film, as well as melodramatic performances from Wiseau and Danielle, there is little room for any form of character development. We meet dozens of unidentified characters who walk into the frame for a few minutes then proceed to swiftly disappear for the remainder of the film. The painstakingly long erotic lovemaking scenes, which are physically replayed through the course of the film, show us that Wiseau is a self-indulgent actor and hedonistic director. Such love scenes, as well as lengthy generic scenic shots of San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge, are used as fillers due to the seemingly hollow plot line. The contrived plot is not the worst part of the film when you consider the flawed and cringe- worthy editing job. Dialogue is frequently overdubbed in the most absurdly palpable manner, perhaps to make Tommy Wiseau’s accent more comprehensible. Additionally, the amateur use of green screens further alienates the audience from the world of the film, as well as bringing to our attention how badly executed the editing of the film is. After assessing how poorly received The Room was by critics and audiences following its 2003 release, Wiseau began marketing the film as a ‘Black Comedy’ rather than its original intention as a Drama. Regardless of what genre the film falls into, The Room has the rare ability to provoke a profound reaction in viewers. As Tommy Wiseau rightfully said in a 2004 interview, ‘when you see The Room you can yell, you can scream you can express yourself... that’s the idea.”
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Girl Talk, ‘All Day’
The Wild Duck Belvoir St. Theatre // 16 Feb – 27 March
If a restaurant gave you a sweaty, cold piece of steak on the house, would you eat it? Just because something is free doesn’t excuse the fact that it’s shit. Don’t get me wrong, kudos to Greg Gillis of Girl Talk fame for selflessly releasing his fifth album ‘All Day’ as a free digital download (after making a fuck-load of money through defacing the creative property of hundreds of legendary artists), but the charm of such digital sampling is starting to wear thin. Unlike the skillful mashing and entwining of classic oldies with familiar current pop and RnB tracks in his first release ‘Night Ripper’, ‘All Day’ sounds like an audial experiment, with awkward transitioning and clashing samples in nearly every track. The opening track ‘Oh No’ is promising, as Black Sabbath’s ‘War Pigs’ is seamlessly blended with Ludacris’ hardcore chants in ‘Move Bitch’. As the album progresses, however, such innovative mash-ups become a rarity, as samples are predominantly drawn from mediocre contemporary hip-hop artists such as Gucci Mane and Lil Wayne. This stunts the creativity of the mixes and adds to their cyclical and inhibited nature. Mainstream audiences have evidently been targeted with this release, due to the heavy usage of samples from popular artists such as Rihanna, Lady Gaga and (unfortunately) Miley Cyrus. Tracks like ‘That’s Right’ and ‘Get It Get It’ sound neglected and lazy - the samples have not been tweaked and drag on for far too long. This album just proves that sadly Greg Gillis really is a one trick pony. Girl Talk used to feed my severe AD/HD, the jittery mixes filled me with a euphoric nervousness but unfortunately ‘All Day’ does not cater to my low attention span.
Belvoir St. Theatre’s season opener is gripping and consummately performed. “Gripping” as in, bracing your knees to bear the tension; and “consummately performed”, as in Simon Stone’s adapted dialogue is so sharp that it is simultaneously realist and dramatic. Brought out of its 19th Century Norwegian setting into a bare, contemporary one, Henrik Ibsen’s The Wild Duck delivers the stuff of dreams immediately: there’s a live duck waddling around the stage! Soon we are introduced to the characters, and the interplay is full of the dry wit and dark irony that so well describes stunted family relationships. This, as the play develops, turns into a core theme. Where is the line between emotional damage that can be resolved by a ‘family conquers all’ mentality and irreparable harm? Director Simon Stone makes intelligent use of the stage in conveying this to the audience, with the emotional separations manifesting themselves as physical separations on the stage. The self-searching and self-abasing of the characters becomes literal and visceral through use of the clear glass that insulates the cast from the audience. In an astute and measured performance, Gregers Werle (Toby Schmitz) learns something vital about the way one simple revelation can capitulate and spread its implications. Hjalmar Akdal (Ewen Leslie) is the pivot of everything that transpires as the innocent man, the cuckold. His turns through anger, disbelief, and sheer panic are searing, and so compelling as to seem organic. Gina Akdal (Anita Heigh) is perfectly cast as wispy and frail-but-lion-hearted, and is the perfect mix of a character you both disdain and empathise with. Through the stage setup, Ralph Myers has created an environment in which time passes and scenes change seamlessly, with very little in the way of lavish contraptions. Stefan Gregory’s score too is minimal, barely there until it is employed crucially and with ravaging effect to punctuate key moments. However it is Eloise Mignon, who in an age-defying (is she 15 or 25? It doesn’t matter, she blows us away) performance as Hedvig, glues the affections of the cast together, as they struggle to shield their child from exposure to the adult realm of deceit and contaminated happiness. Gripping and compelling. Without even trying.
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Alliance Française French Film Festival 2011: 8-27 March
Happy Few Happy Few, or ‘several reasons why entering into a swinging relationship with another couple will cause more heartache than you anticipate’, is beautiful to watch. But what transpires in this handheld-shot, Antony Cordieur film is not a breezy romp. The premise is that two Paris couples swap partners on a casual basis, just for fun, while still maintaining their own healthy relationships in which they all have children. Soon jealousy and mistrust is abound, explored through a variety of well-executed motifs. As a swinging couple, Franck (Roschdy Zem) and Teri (Élodie Bouchez) seem to be more romantically compatible than anyone had realised; and consequently Rachel (Marina Fois) and Vincent’s (Nicolas Duvauchelle) sexual relationship becomes an act of contrition, seemingly stilted and reactionary in comparison to Franck and Teri’s moving-the-furniture, feng shui style sex. Not recommended for a virginal first date. But while it might seem gratuitous on the surface, the relationships develop interestingly throughout the film, and the range of emotions covered are both complex and comprehensive. One is left with the sense that loving another partner is like going through old keepsakes, except that the keepsakes move, breathe, and are very much intertwined with your present.
Bus Palladium The film is a lot like Almost Famous but with a little more French swagger. Manu (Arthur Dupont) is the charismatic, unreliable frontman of the promising Parisian band LUST; Lucas (Marc-Andre Grondin) is the quiet-spoken but obviously sweeter and more dependable lead guitarist; and they are friends in everything except for in their rivalry over Laura, the dreamy Parisian femme (Elisa Sednaoui). Classic 70s rock dilemmas are broached like, should Lucas pursue the dream aboard the tour bus or his promising architecture career? Will Manu be able to evade military service? Can he keep off the drugs? Can the dorky band manager keep them all in harmony long enough to finish the album? The band performances are enjoyable in their own right, and director Christopher Thompson seems to capture the period and the setting pretty well. It’s an adventure, it’s romantic, and it’s not without its capturing moments.
Outside the Law The story of three Algerian brothers fighting for their country’s independence in the 1950s, Outside The Law would be more appropriately titled “Righteous Politically Driven Acts of Violence.” This film is long, political, bloody, and visually stunning - and would have all the makings of an epic if it weren’t riddled with exposition and suffering from a narrow historical perspective. Roschdy Zem puts on a commanding performance as Messaoud, the soldier of the three brothers, but the female perspective is absent, with the mother having no role at all apart from comforting her children. Their absence is equal to the absence of the French perspective of things, with Colonel Faivre (Bernard Blancan) being forced to explain the historical context through a series of troubled facial expressions. Perhaps some of the subtleties are lost in translation, but it seems as though Rachid Bouchareb, who had so much success with Paths of Glory, suffered from dealing with a subject matter too close to his heart. For those who enjoy an epic though, the last half hour provides some wrenching moments.
The Clink of Ice This film is ridiculous. Billed as a ‘black comedy’ but more of a ‘quintessentially French-quirky farce’, our hero Charles (Jean Dujardin) is a sixty-something writer who hasn’t written anything in years and is constantly accompanied by his ice bucket from which he drinks 4-6 bottles of wine a day. One day he is visited by a well-dressed man whose character is listed on IMDB as “le cancer du Charles” (Albert Dupontel). Charles’ cancer is immortal and insidious: “Be careful or I’ll get in your pancreas. The pancreas is quick!” Among Charles’ companions are his ridiculously beautiful Russian girlfriend; his also beautiful, worrying Oedipal son Stanislas; and his maiden maid who longs to love him the way his ex-wife never could. Comedy is abound, though not entirely coherently. I guess that’s not the point though – this film by Bertrand Blier is funny, and enjoyable, if very offbeat. However, the real point of interest is whether Charles can find a way to get rid of the irritating cancer-man before he moves in on his brain?
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ISSUE TWO VERTIGO
“I’M A CELEBRITY, AND I ENDORSE THIS PRODUCT”
A study from the Cancer Council of Victoria has found that parents are more easily persuaded to buy junk food for their children if a sports star endorses it. Daniel Conifer decided to investigate some services just screaming out for a celebrity endorsement. THE NATE MYLES INVISIBLE POTTY THE VB SLEEP-EASY PRO The Pitch: We all know it can be hard The Pitch: Having trouble getting the kids getting your baby to poo properly. With to sleep? Expert scientists at Victoria Baby the Nate Myles Invisible Toilet Trainer, it have come up with a wonder formula to doesn’t matter where they poo; whether get your baby to sleep easy. The longneckit’s in the corridor, on the lounge, or in the shaped baby’s bottle has all the essential bed, it’s always in the potty. As Nate Myles carbohydrates and minerals to make your always says: “It’s not public defecation baby pass out -- the VB way. when the toilet’s invisible.’ THE BARRY HALL YOGA SCHOOL The Pitch: Calm your body and soul with Barry Hall. The former bad boy has become a yoga master, and wants to pass that self-control and inner-wellbeing on to you and your toddler. When baby is having a squawk, let Barry’s soothing voice create a sense of calm for both of you.
RICKY NIXON BABYSITTING The Pitch: After a successful career as an AFL player manager, Nixon has made a late career change. Nixon has a proven rapport with minors -- and he’ll happily look after them free of charge. A man who goes out of his way to spend time with the kids, some clients have even described his relationships as “an affair”.
HOW TO RUN A SPORTING CLUB With NRL clubs struggling to turn a profit and A-League administrators threatening to throw underperforming teams out of the competition, it appears that Australian administrators need a tip or two about how to run a sports team. They should look no further than Spanish football giants, Barcelona. Jason Cohn looks at how the club built itself up off the pitch to perfectly complement the beautiful football that their stars play on it. 1. Keep it in the family. Eight of Barcelona’s starting eleven players were born in Spain -- five in Barcelona. Manchester United boasts just three English-born players while only two Italians play for AC Milan. Having the players infused into the club culture from birth allows the club to run smoothly -- and avoid the type of culture shock Zlatan Ibrahimovic experienced during his unsuccessful stint at Barcelona last year. 2. The Academy. Tactically, Barcelona play the same game from the twelve year-olds right up to the first team -- treating the ball as a cherished object. Their style
means that even if an important player is removed from the setup, there’s always another ready to ensure the machine continues to run smoothly. Having whole generations come through the youth teams together creates an unspoken bond that translates into an almost telekinetic connection on the field. 3. Don’t completely sell out. Unlike Manchester City, Barcelona’s corporate sponsorships have no bearing on how they run their team. The Spanish side has had UNICEF branded across their chests since 2006, allowing them to donate over $2 million in the process. 4. Respect the game. Barcelona’s players have committed the least fouls of any Spanish club in the last three years, and have been shown the fewest cards. Pep Guardiola’s side have a respect for the game and its history -so much so that they wouldn’t dare to tarnish it with foul play. They play instead with fairness and beauty. 5. And finally, Lionel Messi. 250 games. 168 goals. 69 assists. Messi has done for Barcelona what no advisory panel or marketing team ever could.
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ISSUE ONE VERTIGO
FIND A WORD ANAKIN / CARBONITE / CORUSCANT/ DAGOBAH/ DROID/ ENDOR / EWOK / FALCON / JABBA / LANDO / MILLENIUM / OBIWAN / PALPATINE / RANCOR / ANDPOPLE / TAUNTAUN / VADER / WOOKIE / XWING / YODA
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ISSUE TWO VERTIGO
ISSUE TWO VERTIGO
ISSUE TWO VERTIGO
ISSUE TWO VERTIGO
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