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CHANEL


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CHANEL


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perfection in motion NEW LE TEINT ULTRA TENUE ULTRAWEAR FLAWLESS FOUNDATION LAUNCHING 13TH JANUARY 2017


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171 NEW BOND STREET LONDON W1S 4RD 0207 907 8800 THE FINE JEWELLERY ROOM HARRODS LONDON SW1X 7XL 0207 225 5976 HARRYWINSTON.COM


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E s t a b l i s h e d 1 70 9 Vo l . 3 1 2 N o . 2 t a t l e r. c o m

ON THE COVER

38 B R I N G B AC K ST R E A K I N G

Bin selfies and get out your boobs (and moobs). By Matthew Bell

CONTENTS

28 D O N ’ T YO U W I S H . . . ...you’d worn a velvet suit?

30 T R E N D A L E RT Pinstripes

33 B E A U T I F U L R E B E L L I O N

52 H A P P Y VA L L E Y ?

An Hermès jewellery classic gets a punk makeover. By Philippa Durell

What exactly is it that aristocrats love about Kenya, and why do they get into so much trouble there? Sophia Money-Coutts investigates

TAT L E R A B O U T TOWN

37 T H E G A L L E RY

80 G O L D E N G I R L

D I R E C TO R

Maddi Waterhouse does Seventies skater cool. By Sophie Goodwin

National Portrait Gallery director (and guinea-pig lover) Nicholas Cullinan. By Sophia Money-Coutts

90

THE MOST MARVELLOUS STATE SCHOOLS IN BRITAIN

40 W H AT YO U R H E N

S AYS A B O U T YO U ( x 2 )

Clare Bennett on identity, chickens and penis straws

Hooray for free education! Alice Rose rounds up the primaries and secondaries giving the independents a run for their money

103 T H E B I G F R E E Z E

Page

Stand in an ice-cold chamber to look younger and thinner. Francesca White on cryotherapy

104 C A N YO U F E E L M Y C RYSTA L S ? Do crystals possess spooky powers? Clare Bennett sticks one down her bra to find out

121 S U P E RG I R L PHOTOGRAPHS: BEN RAYNER, PETER LIPPMANN

Introducing Cara Delevingne’s cool cousin, Giselle Norman

58

F E AT U R E S

58 H E RO

How Hero Douglas survived life with her dangerous dad

70 YO U H AV E ARRIVE D !

What to do and what not to do at a tech billionaires’ super-luxe

The Cover M A DDI WAT ER HOUSE

Photographed by JASON KIM Styled by SOPHIE GOODWIN Maddi Waterhouse wears cotton bikini top (part of set), £298, by Lisa Marie Fernandez. Denim jeans, £281, by Frame. Gold and diamond pendant, £1,200; gold chain, £995, both by Annoushka. Skateboard, £2,400 (one of Spin triptych), by Damien Hirst for the Skateroom, at Tate Shop. For stockists, see Address Book. Hair by Cristian Pignatta at ELSL Management, using Oribe: Foundation Mist and Airstyle Flexible Finish Cream. Make-up by Natalie Piacun at Untitled LDN, using Tom Ford Beauty: Traceless Foundation in Fawn, Shade and Illuminate in Intensity 2, Eye Colour Quad in Golden Mink, Extreme Mascara in Raven, Brow Sculptor in Blonde. Nails by Jenny Longworth at CLM, using Dior Crème Abricot Manicure Collection and Capture Totale Nurturing Hand Repair Cream.

CONTINUED on page 23

Page

HERO DOUGLAS

40

‘ W H AT T H E CLUCK?’

weekend brainstorm. By David Jenkins

74 M ATC H THE GE E K ...

Pair these tech titans with their equally impressive partners. By Luciana Bellini

76 CONFORMIST, AN ARC H IST...

...aristocrat, comedian: Al Murray talks multiple personalities with Gavanndra Hodge

FA S H I O N

27 H E R E ’S LO O K I N G AT. . .

Interior designer/illustrator Luke Edward Hall. By Luciana Bellini

42 T H E B R E A K- U P RULES; & THE G A M E S M I ST R E S S

How to break a heart (and have it broken) in style; and Emma Kennedy’s smiley sausage

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E s t a b l i s h e d 1 70 9 Vo l . 3 1 2 N o . 2 t a t l e r. c o m

44 H O W TO M A K E YO U R C H I L D ’S BRAIN BIGGER The educational visionaries who will bring out your baby’s inner genius. By Sophia Money-Coutts

45 Q U E N T I N L E T T S

Labour chameleon Emily Thornberry, aka Lady Nugee

46 B O O K S

live out their wildest cowboy fantasies in Colorado (sauna wagon included). Private-jet travel minus the sky-high prices. By Nigel Tisdall

118 W H E R E TO G O Wintry city breaks to warm your cockles

E V E RY T H I N G E L S E

47 A RT F O R S A L E

34 I T L I ST

Frame and fortune with Josh Spero

Mariella Tandy gets her hands on some hot stuff

48 R E STA U R A N T S

119 A D D R E S S B O O K

49 G A D G E T S

From digital butlers to cat-lickers: the next generation of lifechanging gizmos. By Emma Freud

50 TO F F G E A R

Sophia Money-Coutts takes her mum and her dog for a pootle in the new McLaren

80

‘GOLDEN G I R L’ : M A D D I WAT E R H O U S E

116 T H E J E T PAC K

Sebastian Shakespeare’s top titles

Margot gives Covent Garden a shot of gourmet glam. By Jeremy Wayne

Page

‘Stockists’ at heart

121 BYSTA N D E R

Good times guaranteed with Tibbs Jenkins

B A C K PA G E W H AT ’ S I T L I K E TO B E . . .

...one of the Balmoral bats? By Clare Bennett

HOME

ON TATLER.COM

97 H O W TO B E J O L LY Chez Fiona Jolly, furnishing happiness in Wiltshire. By Sophia Money-Coutts

XG O BEHIND THE SCENES of our cover shoot to see Maddi Waterhouse skating by the Thames and talking about teleportation.

BEAUTY

XB RING BACK STR EAKING !

108 T R E AT M E N T S PHOTOGRAPH: JASON KIM

Seasonal fixes

109 B E A U T Y F L A S H Beat the big chill

52

T R AV E L

Page

111 G O L D E N

‘HAPPY VA L L E Y ? ’

O P P O RT U N I T Y

This is a call to arms (and legs and bottoms). Send your (tasteful) streaking pics to talktotatler@condenast. co.uk. You might win a goodie bag worth ,. Which will help with any chafing. XFANCY A HOLIDAY ?

Head to our website to discover the  best hotels in the world.

Emma Freud and her posse S u b s c r i b e t o Ta t l e r a n d w e ’ l l g i v e y o u a p r e s e n t . . . t u r n t o p a g e 9 6

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TAT L E R F E B RUARY 2017


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ALICE ROSE

SOPHIA MONEY-COUTTS

Alice rounds up the best state schools in the land (page 90)

Our new car columnist tests McLaren’s latest supercar (page 50)

What’s your worst habit? Sucking my thumb. Still. What’s your best memory? Lying in a hammock with three

If you could get away with one crime, what would it be?

small, sharp-elbowed children and a spaniel puppy.

Inflicting grievous bodily harm on people who don’t say thank you when you hold the door open for them.

What’s the phrase or word you overuse the most?

What’s the phrase or word you overuse the most?

‘In a MINUTE.’

‘Is it lunchtime yet?’

What never fails to make you laugh?

Which super-power would you most like to have and why?

My husband. Mostly in a good way.

The ability not to lose 36,272 hair ties a year.

CONTRIBUTORS

PAL HANSEN

NIGEL TISDALL

Pal photographs Britain’s poshest pub landlord (page 76)

Nigel on how to fly by private jet without being a billionaire (page 116)

What’s your signature dance move?

What’s your best memory? Mountain-biking past

Shaking my knees like Elvis until they’re bruised. What would be your death-row meal? Lasagne.

the moai of Easter Island as dawn breaks.

Which super-power would you most like to have and why?

Stilton on granary toast with a glass of malbec.

To be able to fly so I don’t have to endure the ‘legroom’ on Ryanair flights (I’m six-foot-five). What’s your go-to fancy-dress costume? Jesus.

Which super-power would you most like to have and why?

TAT L E R F E B RUARY 2017

TATLER.COM

What would be your death-row meal? An extra arm would be, er, handy. Then, when you hug someone, you could also pick their pocket. (

PHOTOGRAPH: ABBIE TRAYLER-SMITH

W h a t ’s o n t h e i r m i n d s t h i s m o n t h ?


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EDITOR KATE REARDON Editor’s assistant and events co-ordinator ELLA BALDWIN

Deputy editor GAVANNDRA HODGE Managing editor BEATRIZ CHOI Associate editor GERRI GALLAGHER Editor-at-large ANNABEL RIVKIN Senior editor DAVID JENKINS

ART Art consultant PHILIPPA WILLIAMS Art editor CAROLYN JONES Junior designer LAUREN BANISTER Picture editor HANNAH BRENCHLEY Acting picture editor EVE JONES Contributing picture editor GAVIN GREEN

FEATURES Features director SOPHIA MONEY-COUTTS Travel editor FRANCISCA KELLETT Restaurant critic JEREMY WAYNE Books critic SEBASTIAN SHAKESPEARE Art critic JOSH SPERO Gadgets critic EMMA FREUD Fun editor EMMA KENNEDY

COPY Copy chief IAN RAMSEY Deputy copy chief JOHN HANEY Senior sub-editor KATHARINA HAHN

FASHION Fashion director SOPHIE GOODWIN Style director SOPHIE PERA Shopping editor AILSA MILLER Watches and jewellery editor PHILIPPA DURELL Bookings editor AYSHA SURSOCK Executive fashion and retail editor MARIELLA TANDY Senior fashion assistant XUXA MILROSE Fashion assistant LYDIE HARRISON

BEAUTY Health and beauty director FRANCESCA WHITE Health and beauty associate JENNIFER GEORGE

BYSTANDER Social editor TIBBS JENKINS Photographer HUGO BURNAND

TATLER.COM Digital editor ANNABELLE SPRANKLEN Deputy digital editor LUCIANA BELLINI Digital picture co-ordinator CHARLOTTE MAYHEW Digital editorial assistant HANNAH STACPOOLE Digital Godmother SARAH BALL

SUPPLEMENTS Art director TARDEO AJODHA Assistant editor, supplements CELIA THURSFIELD Editorial co-ordinator, supplements TEDDY WOLSTENHOLME

CONTRIBUTING EDITORS Chief contributing editors ANNA SCOTT CARTER, NICOLA FORMBY Explorer CIARA PARKES

RUVEN AFANADOR, MATTHEW BELL, CLARE BENNETT, DEBONNAIRE VON BISMARCK, MARK BOLLAND, ANNA BROMILOW, ALICE COCKERELL, CRESSIDA CONNOLLY, GILES COREN, FRAN CUTLER, KEITH DOVKANTS, SUZANNE DUCKETT, CHARLOTTE EDWARDES, BEN ELLIOT, DEBORAH FELDMAN, ASTRID HARBORD, NICKY HASLAM, DAFYDD JONES, MARY KILLEN, EMILIE M CMEEKAN, PHILIP TREACY, CLAUDIA WINKLEMAN, TOM WOLFE, TOBY YOUNG Editorial business manager KITTY MACPHERSON Syndication enquiries syndication@condenast.co.uk Director of editorial administration and rights HARRIET WILSON Tatler is a member of the Independent Press Standards Organisation (which regulates the UK’s magazine and newspaper industry). We abide by the Editors’ Code of Practice (www.ipso.co.uk/editors-code-of-practice) and are committed to upholding the highest standards of journalism. If you think that we have not met those standards and want to make a complaint, please see our Editorial Complaints Policy on the Contact Us page of our website, or contact us at complaints@condenast.co.uk or by post to Complaints, Editorial Business Department, The Condé Nast Publications Ltd, Vogue House, Hanover Square, London W1S 1JU. If we are unable to resolve your complaint, or if you would like more information about IPSO or the Editors’ Code, contact IPSO on 0300 123 2220 or visit www.ipso.co.uk PUBLISHING DIRECTOR PATRICIA STEVENSON Assistant to publishing director OLIVIA BENNETT

Associate publisher CLARE SCHIFANO Projects director EMMA SAMUEL Account director EMMA HEUSER Brand strategy director NICKI SINGH Advertising manager LUCIE BURTON Senior advertising executive VICTORIA BARLEY Promotions director SOPHIE FAIRCLOUGH Senior promotions executive SOPHIE WILSON Creative director, promotions GAVIN SHAW Art director, promotions SAMANTHA BROWNSTEIN Senior promotions copywriter ANNA TIMONEY Regional sales director KAREN ALLGOOD Regional account director HEATHER MITCHELL Senior sales executive KRYSTINA GARNETT New York SHANNON TOLAR TCHKOTOUA (tel: 001 212 630 4913) US account manager KERYN HOWARTH Milan VALENTINA DONINI (tel: 00 39 02 805 1422) Paris HELENA KAWALEC (tel: 00 33 1 44 11 78 83) Hong Kong MATTHEW FARRAR (tel: 00 852 2581 2991)

CLASSIFIED Classified director SHELAGH CROFTS Classified advertisement manager VANESSA DAWSON Classified senior sales executives JENNIFER BATTING, ALEXANDRA COX

PROPERTY Group property director FIONA FORSYTH

RESEARCH Marketing director JEAN FAULKNER Deputy marketing and research director GARY READ Associate director, digital marketing SUSIE BROWN Research executive NATALIE LOVELESS Senior marketing executive CELESTE BUCKLEY Senior data manager TIM WESTCOTT

CIRCULATION Circulation director RICHARD KINGERLEE Newstrade circulation manager ELLIOTT SPAULDING Newstrade promotions manager ANNA PETTINGER Subscriptions director PATRICK FOILLERET Marketing and promotions manager MICHELLE VELAN Assistant marketing and promotions manager CLAUDIA LONG Creative design manager ANTHEA DENNING

PRODUCTION Production director SARAH JENSON Commercial production manager XENIA DILNOT Production controller ALICE AHLBERG Acting production coordinator KATE WIGHTMAN Commercial senior production controller LOUISE LAWSON Commercial production coordinator JESSICA BEEBY Commercial and paper production controller MARTIN MACMILLAN Finance director PAM RAYNOR Financial control director PENNY SCOTT-BAYFIELD HR director HAZEL M C INTYRE Head of digital WIL HARRIS Condé Nast International director of communications NICKY EATON Deputy publicity director HARRIET ROBERTSON Publicity manager RICHARD PICKARD DIRECTORS Jonathan Newhouse, Nicholas Coleridge, Stephen Quinn, Annie Holcroft, Pam Raynor, Jamie Bill, Jean Faulkner, Shelagh Crofts, Albert Read, Patricia Stevenson

Deputy managing director ALBERT READ MANAGING DIRECTOR

NICHOLAS COLERIDGE

CHAIRMAN, CONDÉ NAST INTERNATIONAL

JONATHAN NEWHOUSE

Published by Tatler Publishing Company Ltd (a subsidiary of the Condé Nast Publications Ltd) TATLER and BYSTANDER and the Georgian figure with spyglass are registered trademarks belonging to Tatler Publishing Company Limited, Vogue House, Hanover Square, London W1S 1JU. Tel: 020 7499 9080; fax: 020 7493 1962. Printed in the UK

TAT L E R F E B RUARY 2017

TATLER.COM


LUKE EDWARD HALL WEARS COTTON-CREPE JACKET, £1,610; COTTON-CREPE TROUSERS, £795, BOTH BY GUCCI. COTTON SHIRT, £190, BY JUPE BY JACKIE. WATCH, HIS OWN. FOR STOCKISTS, SEE ADDRESS BOOK. HAIR & MAKE-UP BY LIAM JAMES MOORE AT CAROLE HAYES, USING KIEHL’S. STYLED BY AILSA MILLER

HERE’S LOOK ING AT... LUKE EDWARD HALL If you have OCD tendencies, stop reading now. Turn the page. You’re not going to like Luke Edward Hall’s place. The interior designer and illustrator is a hoarder – every surface of the bottle-green Camden flat he shares with his boyfriend, creative consultant Duncan Campbell, is covered with his whimsical sketches, prototypes of things he’s making and ceramics he’s collected from around the world. Even his shower cubicle is a storage unit, full of the colourful cushions he makes and sells on his website. ‘Luckily, we’re bath people,’ he says. It’s all in keeping with his eclectic approach to work – since the 27-year-old left his interior-design job at Ben Pentreath to set up on his own in 2015,

he’s done illustrations for the Parker hotel in Palm Springs, a set of dinner plates for Alex Eagle, fabrics and wallpapers for Anthropologie, interior-design jobs in London, Somerset and the Hamptons, and a collaboration with Burberry, creating drawings to go alongside their campaign shot by Mario Testino. ‘Having someone like Christopher Bailey tell you you’re doing OK – that was amazing.’ He’s currently in the process of moving into a new studio space at the Cob Gallery, owned by his friend Polly Stenham, which means the cushions will be moving out of the shower. For now, anyway. ‘I just love being surrounded by stuff – it won’t take long before the studio goes the same way.’ LB TATLER.COM

TAT L E R F E B RUARY 2017


Fa sh ion

ROMEE STRIJD IN FRAME

ALEXA CHUNG IN ROBERTO CAVALLI

CAROLINE ISSA IN RACIL

EVA HERZIGOVA IN ALBERTA FERRETTI

GILDA AMBROSIO IN MAISON MARGIELA

DON’T YOU WISH YOU’D WORN THAT?

VELVET SUITS

Softly-softly does it, guys. Strokey-strokey and perfectly velvety is the way we are heading. Every time. We are talking velvet trousersuits – head to toe, matchy-matchy and not at all ironic. Just so. There is no twist. The cut can be any which way, really, from classic tux to dressinggowny slouch. The colour palette is rich, veering from patrician navy to dusky lady-rose and taking in everything in between. The trouser length could conceivably be hitting the floor with high heels, or be cropped and worn with trainers. Knock yourselves out. Bare chest, pussybow, rock T-shirt? Over to you. Of course, the thing that will separate the brave and the bold from the meek and the mild will be pattern. A velvet pyjama suit is elegance itself. But a full-on velvet situation that’s sprigged with embroidered flowers? We’re into high-fashion territory. And a plushly velvet, tigerprint pantsuit? Now that takes some doing – will you look like Peter Stringfellow’s eiderdown or will you look like Alexa Chung? Face the fear. AR

TAT L E R F E B RUARY 2017

TATLER.COM

CAROLINE VREELAND IN RALPH LAUREN

SABINE GETTY IN BRIAN RUSSELL & CO

PHOTOGRAPHS: GETTY IMAGES, REX FEATURES

COCO ROCHA IN AMITIE


Fa sh ion

PIN-UP

‘Listen, buster, we had a deal’

TWILL DRESS, £1,130, BY MULBERRY

COTTON SHIRT, £350, BY PAUL SMITH

COTTON TROUSERS, £498, BY DKNY SHOES, £450, BY RAG & BONE

WOOL JACKET, £330, BY BOSS COTTON JACKET, £435, BY PAUL & JOE COTTON TROUSERS, £320, BY PAUL & JOE

LEATHER POUCH, £325, BY SMYTHSON

CASHMERE SCARF, £140, BY BEGG & CO

TAT L E R F E B RUARY 2017

TATLER.COM

COTTON JACKET, £2,390, BY BRUNELLO CUCINELLI

ETRO S/S 17

The point about this season’s pinstripe mood is that it is not at all executive. Spivvy and wide and a little vulgar? Tick, tick, tick. Corporate and professional and businesslike? Not so much. Eighties, perhaps – but these are Lauren Hutton pinstripes, not Wall Street pinstripes. Diane Keaton pinstripes, not Trading Places pinstripes. By their very nature they are crisp, but – this time around – the silhouette should be faintly fallen apart. Louche. A little Nineties but sloppier, more androgynous, faintly f*** you. Wear with a scowl and possibly a glittery brooch just to really confuse people... AR

FENDI S/S 17

Pinstripes

STILL-LIFES: PIXELEYES. PHOTOGRAPH: GRAHAM HUGHES

LANVIN S/S 17

CAROLINA HERRERA S/S 17

WOOL TOP, £990, BY JIL SANDER


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The biggest, jauntiest and most indispensable guide to getting hitched. Ever FREE WITH THE MARCH ISSUE OF TATLER, ON SALE 30 JANUARY

PHOTOGRAPH: FRANK HORVAT

2017


Je w e l l e ry

FOR STOCKIST, SEE ADDRESS BOOK. JERSEY T-SHIRT, £75, BY T BY ALEXANDER WANG, AT NET-A-PORTER. HAIR BY STELIOS CHONDROS, USING BUMBLE AND BUMBLE. MAKE-UP BY MARTINA LATTANZI AT ONE REPRESENTS, USING YSL BEAUTE & REVLON NAIL VARNISH. EDITED BY PHILIPPA DURELL

JENNA SCOTT, 31, IS A PSYCHOLOGY STUDENT WHO MOONLIGHTS AS A DOG WALKER. SHE WEARS SILVER EARRINGS, £1,590; SILVER NECKLACE, £2,170; SILVER NECKLACE WITH GOLD SAFETY-PIN DETAIL, £7,050, ALL BY HERMES

Photographed by CHRISTINE KREISELMAIER

Beautiful

R EBELLION

Hermès adds some punky attitude to its classic Chaîne d’Ancre line TATLER.COM

TAT L E R F E B RUARY 2017


THE I T LIST

Mariella Tandy rounds up the month’s most splendid stuff

DIOR S/S 17

LUCKY YOU

When masterful meets mystical, the result is a beautiful Dior clutch designed like a tarot card. This one, for example, is based on L’Amoureux (The Lover) and is made from embroidered blush lambskin. Lovely as well as lucky. dior.com POA, BY

£225, BY ANYA HINDMARCH

SUNNY SIDE UP

R

emember when your sticker collection was the most important thing in your life? Well, nothing’s changed, because Anya Hindmarch has a new collection of furry stickers (the tactile ones were always the best). Start your next craze with this fried egg. anyahindmarch.com

DIOR

FROM £5,100 EACH, BY BOUCHERON

1

Ace those accessories

IF YOU’RE CHARMED BY £7,000, BY ASPREY CHARM BRACELETS, YOU’LL LOVE THIS CHARMING MINICHARM BRACELET BY ASPREY, WITH ITS COLLECTION OF ENGLISH COUNTRYSIDE CHARMS MADE OF GOLD, DIAMONDS AND ENAMEL. CHARMED, OH, LOOK – THE WE’RE SURE. ASPREY.COM FAMOUS EMMANUELLE SHOE FROM GIUSEPPE ZANOTTI HAS HAD A CRYSTALLY, FLOWERY MAKEOVER! NAVIGATE SPRING IN LAVISH COMFORT WITH ITS £1,080, BY GIUSEPPE SUPER-SUPPORTIVE BLOCK ZANOTTI HEEL. GIUSEPPE ZANOTTIDESIGN.COM

2

TAT L E R F E B RUARY 2017

TATLER.COM

FANTASTIC FOUR There’s nothing more tedious than dawdling around an airport for hours, waiting for your flight. That’s why you need to make yourself acquainted with the marvellous Net Jets, which operates one of the best and biggest private-jet fleets in the world. With lots of options to choose from, like transportation to the airport and megadelicious menus, it’s all the joy of having a private jet without the hassle of owning one. (netjets.com)

E

veryone knows Boucheron’s Quatre collection is an enormous hit, and fans of the ring will be leaping out of their seats at the news that the latest collection includes bracelets based on the rings. Stack them; don’t stack them. Just get them all. boucheron.com

FROCK STAR

I

f you’re finding that winter is nothing but a long succession of jeans and jumpers, then it’s time to throw a spanner in your own works and start thinking cosy dresses. The Long Western dress by Coach 1941 will soon have you abandoning your denim for something infinitely more interesting. Head to the new Coach House, 200–206 Regent Street, W1. coach.com

PHOTOGRAPH: MORGAN O’DONOVAN

STYLE SUPPLEMENTS

£775, BY COACH 1941


It Li st

£1,280, BY POMELLATO

REGAL TENDER

I

n Sanskrit, the word uma means ‘splendour’, among other things, which makes complete sense given what this Uma Ultimate Brightening Face Oil can do for your complexion. It’s part of a range of natural oils designed for lots of different skin conditions – all you have to do is find the one that’s right for you and watch the results come rolling in. cultbeauty.co.uk

A

cuff is a thing of great joy. There’s something rather warrior princess/female pharaoh/tribal queen/ Greek goddess/Roman empress about it – like this one by Buccellati, which is made of gold and set with jade and sapphires. buccellati.com

THAT’S AMORE

SPLENDIFEROUS!

£115, BY UMA

F

orget endlessly plucking petals – the way to find out if he loves you or not is to see if he pitches up at some point with one of these M’ Ama Non M’ Ama (He Loves Me... He Loves Me Not) rings from Pomellato. Different gemstones and pavé diamonds galore. pomellato.com

If you’re sick of singing ‘Someday My Prince Will Come’, or going on dates your friends set you up with simply because they’re not married either, then sign up to Gray & Farrar. It’s a terribly smart – and very discreet – dating agency that provides in-depth profiles for potential matches. grayandfarrar.com

S

POA, BY BUCCELLATI

alvatore Ferragamo make handbags you would swap a child for. The Soft Sofia is an update of the classic structured Sofia and comes in laser-cut leather. You can even customise it with longer straps, or simply sling it over your arm. ferragamo.com

£2,040, BY SALVATORE FERRAGAMO

£225, BY WALTER & HERBERT

THE EXCELSIOR DUBROVNIK

LOOKING SHARP

T

hese Collins sunglasses by Walter & Herbert are not just any old pair of sunglasses. What most people don’t know, because they are ignorant, is that they will make you a more intelligent, more compassionate, possibly a bit thinner, maybe even taller – and most importantly – more stylish human being. walterandherbert.com

The Life Adriatic

Talk about rooms with a view! The Excelsior Dubrovnik has undergone a major overhaul and is now open for business again, wowing the world with its jaw-dropping views of the Adriatic coast. What hasn’t changed is the tip-top service, the gorgeous private beach and the three spectacular restaurants. Book pronto. adriaticluxuryhotels.com

£260, BY MILLY

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE

P

ut your hands up if you love a choker. That’s all of us and all of you, then. Rejoice – divine Russian jewellery brand Yana has come to Harrods and among its many treasures is this rose-gold and diamond choker from the tassel collection. harrods.com

WIZARDRY OF OZ

S

omewhere over the rainbow, way up high, there’s this Rainbow clutch bag from Milly. Except you don’t need to start wishing your house would be whisked off by a freak tornado – you just need to go to Harrods, because it’s exclusively available there. Dreams really do come true. harrods.com ( POA, BY YANA TATLER.COM

TAT L E R F E B RUARY 2017


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ABOUT TOWN

THE GALLERY DIRECTOR

NICHOLAS CULLINAN WEARS HIS OWN CLOTHES

If you are the director of one of Britain’s most beloved public institutions, as Nicholas Cullinan is at the National Portrait Gallery, then your day is full of meetings – curatorial meetings, acquisition meetings, exhibition meetings and so on. But throughout them all, Nick, 39, will also be thinking about guinea pigs. He grew up with the furry fellows as family pets and continued to feel attached to them as he worked his way up the art world. He took two guinea pigs to New York when he worked at the Met, leaving the sole survivor, Margo, who is seven, with a friend when he returned to London in 2015 to take up his role at the NPG. But he goes back every few months and checks up on her while there. Does she recognise him? ‘Oh yes. She’s in great form.’ SM-C

Photographed by CHRISTOFFER RUDQUIST

TAT L E R F E B RUARY 2017


BRING BACK

STREAKING Feast your eyes on these lovelies, a much-needed antidote in our age of joyless, preening selfies. Matthew Bell on the lamentable lack of spontaneous acts of nakedness in the modern world

W

asn’t it wonderful when people used to streak? There was something so free and joyous about the sight of a grown-up running stark naked across a football pitch. So fun, so fearless – it was an expression of pure joie de vivre. Hardly anyone dares to bare any more. It has become, like faxing or renting a video, a relic of the late 20th century, something our children will refuse to believe actually happened. Everything was different back then. If you wanted to cause a stir, you had to physically do something, rather than just post a controversial

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video on Instagram. And major sporting events were the perfect platform to shock, because they were broadcast free on BBC One, not Sky, so they were watched by literally millions of people at the same time. Oh, and the naked body was still a novelty, not something every teenager with an internet connection was intimately acquainted with by the age of 14. Not that there was anything sexual about streaking. Quite the opposite – it was all about silliness and wobbly bottoms, and not giving a damn about whether you were Beach Body Ready. It was the opposite of posting a carefully composed selfie – it was all about freewheeling spontaneity. Streakers usually had the following things in common: pasty skin; a big bush or balls; a jubilant expression;

waving arms; something written on their back in black marker, perhaps a half-baked political message or peace sign; and an awful lot of Pimm’s inside them. Because the thing to remember about streakers is that they were often steaming drunk. As someone once said of Erica Roe, who ran topless onto the pitch at Twickenham in 1982 – she was ‘inspired by alcohol’. It was, of course, slightly annoying for the footballers, racehorses or cricketers to have some fuzzy-haired maniac with rampant pubes come barging into the limelight. Australian cricketer Greg Chappell once whacked a nuisance streaker away with his cricket bat. And you have to pity the poor policemen, duty-bound to go running after the streaker and rugbytackle him or her to the ground. To make matters worse, the poor sergeants then had to use their beloved hats to cover the vital area (risking contamination by pubic lice), as in the memorable image of Jesus-lookalike Michael O’Brien, naked at Twickenham in 1974 but for a policeman’s hat. On the plus side, at least a streaker is always, clearly, unarmed. And, according to veteran streaker Mark Roberts, the police secretly love the drama. ‘They often laugh as much as everyone else,’ he says. ‘They can’t help it – the crowd will erupt and everyone is on your side. It’s an amazing feeling.’ Roberts’s streaking career began in 1993, when he blundered into the final of the Rugby Sevens in Hong Kong. In his case, the drunkenness came the night before. Being a 28-year-old bar worker, he had cockily declared to his co-workers that streaking didn’t seem that difficult, and anyone could do it. To which they replied, ‘Well, why don’t you?’ They held him to it, and the next day, after a couple more beers to steady his nerves, he ran completely naked onto the pitch. He even caught the ball and scored a try. He was hooked. Twenty-three years on and Roberts has streaked more than 500 times. ‘I love the total freedom,’ he says. ‘You’re free for about two minutes. Then you lose all your freedom the minute you’re behind a cell door.’ Although the police may find it funny, streaking is technically an offence. Roberts has been fined thousands of pounds over the years (but avoiding spells in prison for the most part). He says it’s a price worth paying. ‘It gives you such a buzz. You get a massive adrenalin rush.’ So there’s nothing sexual about it? ‘No! It’s a Benny Hill thing. You’re not out to offend in a sexual or perverted way.’ Not that he can always afford the fines. ‘At one point, I owed over £1,000 for three fines, so I handed myself in and did 14 days in prison instead. Stark naked, of course!’ He has been prosecuted several times, charged with causing alarm and

PHOTOGRAPHS: CHRIS SMITH/POPPERFOTO/GETTY IMAGES, ALPHA PRESS, ALPHA SPORTS, EXPRESS SYNDICATION, MIRRORPIX, SPORTS ILLUSTRATED/GETTY IMAGES, ED LACEY/POPPERFOTO/GETTY IMAGES

The magnificent Erica Roe smoking two cigarettes ...at Twickenham during an England vs Australia game, 1982


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Ashley Summers at the England vs India test match at Lords’ Cricket Ground, 1986

distress, but – as he puts it: ‘You tell me who is alarmed or distressed. I win virtually every trial.’ Over the years, security at high-profile sporting events has got stricter, and getting into an arena in the nude requires considerable organisation and planning. Roberts had planned to streak at the men’s 100 metres at the Rio Olympics, but was foiled at the last moment. ‘I had “Peace and Love” written all over my body and a white rose to hold between my teeth,’ he recalls. ‘I’d even had to go to a cemetery specially to buy the white rose – it was the only place I could find one on a Sunday. Anyway, I managed to follow someone into the stadium and was about to run onto track when a police guard blocked me with a loaded gun. I couldn’t really argue with a loaded gun.’ Tips for successful streaking include making sure you can rip your clothes off very quickly – you really want an outfit held together by Velcro. It also helps to wear a referee’s outfit, ideally also kept together by Velcro, which you wear under your normal clothes. That way you’re more likely to get onto the pitch in the first place – it’s how Roberts accessed dozens of football matches. We live in an age when more people than ever are desperate to be noticed. Perhaps it’s time to quit Instagram and revive the noble tradition of streaking? Footballers and golf players are elevated to the status of gods – it would be fitting to see a frolicking Pan figure among them. To cock a snook at these pampered popinjays and remind the world that sport is more than just a global money-making industry – it should be fun. Let’s raise a glass and streak to that! (

A streaker at Wimbledon, 1996

ABOVE, MARK ROBERTS AT THE BRITISH OPEN, 1995. BELOW, MICHAEL O’BRIEN DELIGHTING THE CROWD AT TWICKENHAM, 1974. BOTT , A STREAKER AT THE ENGLAND VS SPAIN MATCH, VILLA PARK, 2001

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SMART HEN

A glamorous affair at a smart London hotel: kick off at 2pm with tea, champagne and sandwiches no one eats, home by 8pm, sober, tired and, in secret, MASSIVELY relieved it’s over = Your horse was the love of your life until you met your banker husband-to-be. You are going to move into a house you’re not allowed to redecorate and are about to procure a difficult mother-in-law, so need to practise being on best behaviour for the rest of your life.

PRETTY HEN

Pretty butterfly wings, pretty feathers, pretty pictures of the bride as a pretty child, pretty pink drinks, pretty music, pretty games, everyone sneaking off to the loos to consume illegal substances = You were the slutty girl at boarding school who’s trying to leave behind a trail of boys because your future husband has no idea about your past. You may have insisted on a children’sparty vibe, but it only takes a few drinks to unleash the beast. You text several exes, crying, before being taken home, smashed.

FILTHY HEN

A champagne reception in Knightsbridge under the pretence that it’s going to be a civilised evening. Then a surprise stretch limo to a Streatham strip club, where you eat Krispy Kremes and drink Cement Mixers while gentlemen you’ve only known for a matter of minutes fling their usually concealed body parts around = You are incapable of being humiliated. The trashier the LOLer, as far as you’re concerned. Plus you have an excellent relationship with your fiancé. He will find the story of this evening just as hilarious as you.

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EURO HEN

A weekend away in Ibiza, boozing and partying at night, lolling around hungover and depressed all day with your Euro friends, who you don’t *really* know and whose names you change the pronunciation of every time you say them because you’re not sure what the right way is = You are marrying a rich Euro with a yacht, and the girls are his ex-girlfriends. No one has quite been able to let go of the life they got used to on the private jet, and if that means being friends with you, well...

COUNTRY HEN

A weekend in the country: walks, board games, seven-course dinners courtesy of a chef, 1,000 dogs in the house, booze the minute you wake up, no make-up, long pub lunches = You’re marrying someone you’ve known since you were five and have a hardcore squad of friends you’ve also known since you were five. Everyone’s marrying everyone else’s brother. You don’t particularly care about your wedding dress and have discussed, quite seriously, whether your future husband can have the dog as his best man.

RUSSIAN HEN

A mystery trip on a private jet, which ends up in Monaco, and a huge party in Jimmy’z after a day of watching the Grand Prix. Party bags for the girls include the latest iPhone, some Almas caviar and a Cartier bracelet, initialled (rather weirdly) with the bride and groom’s initials = Your Russian oligarch husband-to-be is footing the bill and his PA arranged the whole thing. He’s there with his friends at the Grand Prix. And also at Jimmy’z. Watching everything. Oh.

WHAT YOUR HEN SAYS ABOUT YOU LINCOLNSHIRE BUFF

You’re a stickler for manners. If people don’t write thank-you letters, they’re out. No second-chance saloon round here. You’ve come up against adversity (that ghastly stepmother who wouldn’t let you get a dog), but have overcome again and again (you now own three dogs that sleep in your bed/ are allowed on the sofa/jump on you). Animals are less complicated than humans, you’ve always found.

ORPINGTON

You’ve had a career in the armed forces and your spell at Sandhurst has set you up for life. You like your hens to be efficient layers. You like them sturdy and reliable – like a tank. And meaty. Like a brigadier.

SUSSEX

You want an easy run of things. No fuss. Let the children go to bed when they feel like it. Tidy the house – oh well, sometimes. Drink gin as and when the mood takes you. People who complain about the weather need to buck up their ideas, in your opinion. Never had a cold in your life. It’s all in the mind.

DORKING

You are very into past-life regression and pottery. You’re obsessed with Roman history, which is why you’re so fond of these particular hens – they’ve been knocking (pecking?) about since Julius Caesar was around. You’re never happier than when reading aloud from Tacitus or making ceramic jugs in your shed and painting Dorking hens on them.

By CLARE BENNETT

PEKIN

It’s your first house in London. You’re absorbing everything south of the river and not missing Gloucestershire at all. Not at all. What would make you say that? No, really, WHY would you say that? Stop talking about it. London is fine. It’s fine. It’s friendly. Quite friendly. Not as friendly as Gloucestershire, maybe. Not really. Not at all.

SEBRIGHT

You’re never fully dressed without a smile. Or your lipstick. Or your mascara. Or your blusher. You wouldn’t dream of even going downstairs without having done your hair. You wear intricately embroidered kimonos on the school run and sometimes an eye-patch, just for effect. You have given everyone you know a nickname, whether they like it or not.

London is fine. It’s fine. It’s friendly. Quite friendly. Not as friendly as Gloucestershire, maybe. Not really. Not at all LEGHORN

You are extremely serious about heritage. You are constantly fighting with your siblings about who is going to inherit the family art collection and you are firmly against any changes to the primogeniture law. ‘Why can’t things stay as they’ve always been, hmm?’/‘What’s all this obsession with changing things that have worked perfectly well for a jolly long time?’ is how you open most conversations. (

PHOTOGRAPHS: ISTOCK, ALAMY, PETER LIPPMAN

WHAT YOUR HEN SAYS ABOUT YOU


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PHOTOGRAPHS: TKTKTKTKTK

That penis straw is cool

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THE BREAKUP RULES It’s hard to do, so let us help... THE BREAK-UP

POST-BREAK-UP

DO Practise total cut-off if you are the dumpee. It will either win them back or get you towards being over it. If you have something to say, tell the Labrador. DON’T Practise total cut-off (aka ghosting) if you are the dumper. It’s cruel. DO Exercise. DON’T Have any access to your phone after alcohol intake.

IF YOU BUMP INTO THEM AT A PARTY

DO Be incredibly smiley and delighted to see them – ‘You look so great!’ – followed by a swift exit. This is particularly true if you feel hard done by. Smouldering and flouncing may feel satisfying, but it makes you look like a dick and makes them think, ‘Thank God I’m not with that maniac,’ rather than, ‘Such fun. So sunny. I miss that.’ DON’T Shag them. This will feel good for

almost no time at all. If they want to shag you, let them chase. This is true of men and women. They can’t miss you if you don’t run away. DON’T Get smashed. Or cry. Or both. Ever.

WHEN STUFF HAPPENS

DO Always tell your most recent ex if you are getting married or having a baby. It needs to come from you. DON’T Arrange to meet them to tell them this. A phone call will do.

Hot meat action. By Emma Kennedy

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need you to stop what you are doing. No, I mean it. Stop it. Because this month, I’ve found a game that I predict will enhance your life by a factor of three, and, if you’ve got enough wine in you, four. It’s basic physics that everyone finds bananas hilarious. They are the chief clown of the fruit world. But step

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aside, bendy banana, because there’s a new fool in town and it’s called Silly Sausage. For this game you will need: – One Silly Sausage. – Two hands. – The ability to grip your Silly Sausage and do things to it. (Please nudge your own bosom, immediately.)

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So it’s a great big Silly Sausage and you have to twist it, stretch it, poke it, shake it and dip it according to what it wants you to do to it. (Look sideways to camera.) You don’t even need other

people in the room to play with your Silly Sausage. You can play with it all on your own. (Raise both eyebrows immediately.) It’s fast and furious (hello, Madam) and may leave you in a slighty sweaty, breathless state. (Adjusts specs, undoes

top button.) What I’m saying is, it’s a massive Silly Sausage and it’s a sharp thrill. ‘Hang on a minute,’ you mumble. ‘Is this a sex toy or what?’ It is a Silly Sausage, dear reader – what you do with it in your own time is none of my business. From £15; available at all good retail outlets.

PHOTOGRAPH: AKG-IMAGES © ESTATE OF ROY LICHTENSTEIN/DACS 2016

DO Talk. It has to be face to face. If you are human enough to have sex, you are human enough to use your voice to tell someone why you are breaking their heart. But not in the middle of a house party. DON’T Say you don’t fancy them or that you never loved them. This is unforgivable. DO Be kind enough to let them hate you. DON’T Say you need time on your own if you’ve met (or even identified) someone else.


TATLER • PROMOTION

SPRING INTO ACTION

Yes, the weather may still be dull and grey but you don’t need a complexion to match! Let Dr Dray give you a complete beauty overhaul You know those women that look amazing at the first glimmer of sunshine? The ones that shed giant overcoats and scratchy tights to reveal toned limbs and peaches-andcream skin? Well, chances are these savvy individuals have been prepping with Dr Dray during the dark, drizzly days to fine-tune their appearance for spring. This year, make sure you’re among them. Dr Dray has over 25 years’ experience and has become the go-to specialist at his clinics in both Paris and London. His 10-Minute Facelift is as popular as ever – it can even out texture and revitalise saggy skin in just 10 minutes flat. Then there’s the Meso Hydration Lift – a turbo-charged version of the famous Mesolift which will leave you more hydrated and glowing than ever before. A visit to Dr Dray will put a spring in your step for spring.

PROFILE PRECISION Want a silhouette fit for the silver screen? Dr Dray’s non-surgical neck lift refines the neck, jaw and décolletage – swooping everything up into a more streamlined shape. The thread technique is used to ensure that the look is never too taut or overly done. Results sit organically within the face, accentuating natural bone structure. How does it all work? Biodegradable polylactic and glycolic acid threads are inserted into the skin. They serve as a scaffolding-like support system while also boosting the production of collagen. This means that your skin will continue to improve as the increased collagen leads to cellular regeneration. The result is tighter, firmer, plumper skin with youthful elasticity. Best of all, this procedure takes just one hour and requires only local anaesthetic.

HIGH BROW

ULTRALIFT

Are your eyelids heavy? Brows a little droopy? Never fear. Dr Dray’s browlift is the perfect alternative to Botox – and it’s entirely non-invasive. Hyaluronic acid (a substance found naturally in the skin) is injected via a cannula along the lines of the eyebrow. This fills out any fine lines and depressions while also restoring volume to the eye area. Hyaluronic acid is biodegradable and non-allergenic so it’s very safe to use. Your eyebrows will appear lifted – restoring shape and symmetry to your face. Treatment takes just five minutes and the revitalising effects last for up to six months.

Stage a revolution against gravity with the gentle yet powerful force of ultrasound. You can now throw bingo wings, cellulite, sagginess and stubborn wrinkles into your beauty room 101 with the help of Dr Dray’s customised ultrasound therapies. How? Ultrasound is an effective way to lift and tighten loose skin and the underlying muscle layer using safe and time-tested acoustic energy. Just two treatments will give you long-lasting results and there is no downtime. Repeat, no downtime. So you can swan out looking fabulous, instantly.

Dr Dray has launched his Instagram account! Please visit clinic.dr.dray

Visit the Facebook page @www.drdray.co.uk

Clinic Dray London, 11b Albert Place, London W8. Tel: 020 7937 1031; info@drdray.co.uk; drdray.co.uk


How to make your child’s brain

BIGGER Yes, actually bigger. It sounds painful, but all you need are these handsome young men and some colourful plastic props to create a tiny genius. Sophia Money-Coutts meets the latest educational entrepreneurs Photographed by MIKE BLACKETT

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ucumber cures scurvy,’ says Jackson, four, chewing thoughtfully. ‘Oxbridge material, that one,’ says Rufus Gordon-Dean, 33, above left, a handsome former Household Cavalry officer and one half of Tarka London, a new company that pledges to turn your dribbling toddler into the sort of child prodigy who gets a starred first in classics aged 11. How? They offer exercise classes – personal training for children, if you like – for children from two-and-a-half to six, specifically designed to ‘maximise development while growing their concentration, coordination and communication skills’. On the face of it, this doesn’t look terribly hi-tech. One Tuesday lunchtime, 10 children gather in the hall of Saint Francis of Assisi Primary School in Notting Hill and settle down, sort of, to

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eat their packed lunches before an hour of activity. Jackson is eating his cucumber pieces; a girl called Martha in a checked art smock is working her way through a packet of apple crisps; a boy named Thomas is jumping up and down, having crammed eight segments of tangerine into his mouth. ‘Sometimes the packed lunches have quail’s eggs and smoked salmon,’ says Oliver Holcroft, 31, Tarka’s other handsome co-founder, a former Grenadier Guard (and brother of the actor Edward Holcroft). The pair met in the Army, so they both dig physical activity. Then it’s time for the class: several different games spanning an hour, all designed to challenge these small but powerful brains. Because, according to handsome Oli and Rufus (did I mention they are handsome?) and an increasing number of scientists, children

aged between two and six need much more physical activity for their long-term brain development than most currently get. ‘People are slowly catching on to the idea that children shouldn’t just be in a classroom; that actual physical interaction and learning things with their hands is far more beneficial for their long-term

neural connections every second. I don’t actually know how many neural connections grown-ups make per second – I wasn’t fortunate enough to go to Tarka classes when I was little – but 1,000 sounds like a lot. And if you want more science, Tarka’s website is full of it: ‘Physical activity increases bloodflow to

Anya Hindmarch’s offspring ‘ heroworshipped’ Tarka boys Rufus and Oli; Sienna Miller says likewise development than making a four-year-old spell and count,’ says Oli, who adds that Ofsted currently mandates a paltry 45 minutes of ‘vigorous exercise’ a week. They’re like dry sponges, these young brains, eager to soak up new information and making between 700 and 1,000 new

the brain – a 2007 study showed that three months of exercise [can] increase bloodflow to the brain’s memory and learning centres by 30 per cent.’ Another study of nine-to-10-year-olds showed that fitter children had brains 12 per cent larger than those of their peers.

RUFUS GORDON-DEAN WEARS COTTON T-SHIRT, £15, BY LANDS’ END. DENIM JEANS, £95, BY REISS. CANVAS TRAINERS, £85, BY HUNTER. OLIVER HOLCROFT WEARS CASHMERE JUMPER, £550, BY COACH, AT MR PORTER. COTTON T-SHIRT, £15, BY LANDS’ END. COTTON TROUSERS, £100, BY HACKETT. SUEDE TRAINERS, £245, BY APC. FOR STOCKISTS, SEE ADDRESS BOOK. GROOMING BY LIAM JAMES MOORE AT CAROL HAYES, USING KIEHL'S. STYLED BY AILSA MILLER

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To encourage this brain development, Oli and Rufus typically use a series of colourful plastic educational tools. First, Rufus lays out yellow, blue, red and green plastic circles in each corner of the hall, telling the children to run to certain colours. This they duly do. ‘Now run to the blue circles,’ says Rufus as he himself runs to the red circles. Most of them follow Rufus, apart from Jackson, who scampers to the blue circles as instructed. So he’ll almost definitely be prime minister in a few years. Next, they climb over small plastic ‘islands’ to help with their balance; then Rufus lays out four different circles on the floor and fills them with coloured balls. The children are asked to move the blue balls into the blue circles, the green into the green, and so on, while he times them. ‘Do you want some music while you do it?’ he asks. ‘Can we have “Let It Go”?’ asks a girl called Camilla in a penguin jumper. Good to know even child geniuses have their weaknesses. Wind-down involves lying on the floor in a circle doing breathing exercises before various nannies and parents come to retrieve the children from the hall. Tarka’s office is also based there, staffed by Oli, Rufus, two other instructors and a paediatrician. Currently they look after pupils from nearby schools, including Miss Delaney’s and Strawberry Fields, and go to the houses of private clients for one-on-one instruction. ‘I can recommend them with complete and utter confidence and pleasure,’ says Anya Hindmarch; her offspring ‘hero-worshipped’ Rufus and Oli. Sienna Miller says likewise. ‘They greatly support our children’s development,’ states Miss Delaney. ‘In my opinion, every child should have a Tarka day.’ Classes start from £22 per child – but they only look after children aged up to six, so there’s no sneaking in if, say, you’re 31. Which is a bit sad because, like I said, they’re both so very handsome. ( Visit tarkalondon.com for more information.

A POLITICAL PORTRAIT BY

QUENTIN LETTS E M I LY T H O R N B E R RY AKA Lady Nugee – Labour MP, skilful courtier and pocket dreadnought

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his being Tatler, let us address the Rt Hon Member for Islington South and Finsbury by her correct title: Lady Nugee. Although she sails through Westminster under the more proletarian moniker of Emily Thornberry, her ladyship is shadow foreign secretary and one of the lower house’s grandest adornments. What a piece of work this Labour lady is, the voice so huskily posh you’d swear she graduated from RADA. The cast of her countenance – fringe flicked high with disdain, mascara eyes, an imperious snout – is a gift to scurvy satirists. She is a pocket dreadnought, plump with glowering indignation, a fishy-stared specimen recognisable to any angler as veteran Salmo trutta. Her politics? Revolutionary. She may sound as pukka as the Duchess of Malmsey, but come the defenestration of the nobility by her patron, Comrade Corbyn, she’ll be the first to hoist the red flag over Buckingham Palace. She is a lady by dint of being married to Sir Christopher Nugee, Old Radleian and High Court judge; they live in one of those gentrified Georgian streets in Islington. Lovely. Tony and Cherie Blair were neighbours at one time. This opulent nest, worth a few million, is a return to Emily’s true station in life. Her father, Cedric, was a lawyer (he would go on to become assistant secretary general of the United Nations), but his marriage went bung and young Emily thus spent her childhood in reduced circumstances, living with her mater in – clutch your neck dewlaps – a council estate at the back end of Guildford. It was there that her socialism caught fire, particularly after she failed her 11-plus and was planted in the local comp. By the age of 17, she was in the

Illustrated by GERALD SCARFE

Labour party – Surrey’s own Rosa Luxemburg, flaming with the unfairness of everything. From the mid-Eighties she worked as a human-rights lawyer in London. She had a tilt at becoming MP for Canterbury in the 2001 general election, losing narrowly. Four years later, she found herself a more winnable seat – Chris Smith’s old Islington constituency – and saw off a Lib Dem surge by less than 500 votes. It had been a bit of a squeaker, but she had made it to Westminster. She has proved a skilful courtier, negotiating the rapids of Labour strife where others have come to grief. First she was seen as a Blairite, but she soon let it be known she was all for Gordon Brown. When Gordon disappeared, Emily glued herself to Ed Miliband’s campaign and now she is an ardent Corbynista. You sense that had she been on the Titanic, she would have secured herself a perch in one of the lifeboats. Preaching socialism has not stopped her from sending her children to a selective school 14 miles from her home. On the basis that nothing is too good for the workers, she has also invested heavily in the rental-property market – a ripe little portfolio, thank you. There was that awkward moment at the Strood by-election in 2014 when she posted a tweet showing a street with St George’s flags and a white van – it was felt to be sneery about the working classes and she left the shadow cabinet for a while. Then there was a kerfuffle when, on live telly, she could not name the French foreign minister. She accused the male presenter of sexism. How dare he, a man, ask her tricky questions? Troubles do seem to swarm round this 56-year-old as bees round a jam pot, but Emily is unassailable. Unpoppable. A most magnificent snoot. Quentin Letts writes for the Dail

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Books

Sexy singles, surreal cooking and a supreme storyteller. By Sebastian Shakespeare

LES DINERS DE GALA BY SALVADOR DALI

THE FALL GUY BY JAMES LASDUN

INNOCENTS AND OTHERS BY DANA SPIOTTA

FUTURE SEX BY EMMA WITT

(Taschen, £44.99) Sex and lobsters, anyone? The lavish dinner parties thrown by Salvador Dalí and his wife/muse, Gala, were the stuff of legend. This fabulous reprint of the famous 1973 cookbook incorporates some of the sensual and exotic elements that made up their notorious gatherings. It features 136 recipes, illustrated by Dalí and accompanied by his thoughts on everything from snail broth to ‘the elegant anatomy of a naked woodcock’. Do try this at home.

(Jonathan Cape, £14.99) A gripping psychological thriller featuring struggling chef Matthew, who spends the summer with his Wall Street banker cousin, Charlie, and his beautiful wife, Chloe, at their holiday home in the Catskill Mountains. They pass the days lounging by the pool – but soon Matthew develops a growing obsession with Chloe and wonders if she is cheating on Charlie. Tensions, suspicion and jealousy mount as the days go by. But who’s the victim? Who’s the perpetrator?

(Picador, £14.99) Spiotta’s new novel follows two women, best friends, who grow up in LA in the Eighties and become feminist filmmakers. As the story unfolds, they cross paths with an intriguing older woman who seduces Hollywood men via phone sex. An ambitious and inventive novel about technology, art, human relationships and how we read, and misread, one another. The ‘split screen’ narrative mimics the filmmakers’ techniques to ingenious effect.

(Faber, £16.99) The true story of one thirtysomething single woman’s pursuit of sexual pleasure in the 21st century. After Prince Charming fails to materialise in her life, Witt moves to San Francisco and boldly decides to say yes to everything. The book explores internet dating, internet porn, polyamory and other avant-garde sex cultures. It is both informative and entertaining – a bang-up-to-date survey of contemporary sexual mores. (

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STILL-LIFES: PIXELEYES

BAD DREAMS BY TESSA HADLEY (Jonathan Cape, £16.99) Tessa Hadley is a writer whose reputation grows with every book, and she is finally getting the attention she deserves. Her last novel, The Past, won the Hawthornden Prize, and this new collection of short stories reconfirms her remarkable talent. Novelists don’t always make good short-story writers (and vice versa), but Hadley excels at both genres. Brilliant at conveying emotion and with an uncanny ability to get under her characters’ skin, she captures their hopes, desires and disappointments. They’re ordinary men and women who experience sudden epiphanies that transform their understanding of the world and their place in it. In the opening story, a magical, elegiac recreation of a Sixties summer’s day, 15-year-old Jane surrenders her virginity to a drug-addled boy whom she discovers in bed with another girl hours later. In a coda, we learn that the boy grows up with no memory of Jane, but that the events of that day reverberate throughout her life. The title story is about a nine-year-old girl who wakes up from a bad dream with her first intimation of mortality and explores her home in darkness. Hadley can trace the arc of a life in one brief paragraph and her prose is a joy to read. When a woman falls in love for the first time, she is changed ‘as drastically as if she found footprints on an island where she’d been beginning to believe she was alone’. These stories brim with a keen intelligence and linger in the mind long after you close the book.


Art for sale

From optical illusion to political confusion. By Josh Spero M AG I C E Y E (£250,000) VIBRATING BLUE AND RED WATERFALL (1993) BY PAT STEIR WHY BUY The brain likes to see recognisable objects in

unlikely shapes: a map of Britain in a cloud formation, the face of Jesus in a pancake. And Steir’s canvas is wholly abstract, though I can’t help but see in this picture a city’s lights shimmering at night, out in the distance. This doesn’t explain the red curtain, but that’s the strength of her work – it pulls you between the real and the imagined, keeping your brain off balance. What’s especially clever is that she is letting the paint, as it shudders down the canvas, devise its own formation, onto which we can project. WHEN Until 28 January. WHERE Dominique Lévy, 22 Old Bond Street, W1 (dominique-levy.com).

LIT TLE R E D (£3,500–£4,000) RED SCARF (2016) BY RACHEL GOODYEAR

PHOTOGRAPHS: DACS, COURTESY DOMINIQUE LEVY/NEW YORK

WHY BUY There is definitely a frisson

of seasonal festivity in this drawing – that shower of gold leaf, that scarf – which may thrill or depress you, depending on how you feel about the Christmas just gone. But the woman’s expression is uncertain, and she is nervously adjusting her scarf as she spots a person we cannot see. It is not even clear if she belongs in our world: those long, dark watercolour brushstrokes that trail off, taking her with them, suggest some alternative dimension has broken through and brought her with it. Yet her shadow, and the shadow of the shower of gold, feel real, making this an unsettling work. WHEN Until 14 January. WHERE Pippy Houldsworth Gallery, Heddon Street, W1 (houldsworth.co.uk).

P R I N T E R JA M (£370,000) POLITICAL FOLLY (1968) BY ROBERT RAUSCHENBERG WHY BUY Rauschenberg didn’t understand

why life and art were thought of as separate things – hence works like this. He took images from the media – here, photos from a violent political conference – and scratched them onto paper, a primitive but passionate type of transfer, literally trying to imprint reality on art. He always reconciled and contested opposites: popular culture sits alongside erudite allusion, while his ‘Combines’ were hybrids of sculpture and painting. This show runs in parallel with Tate Modern’s major Rauschenberg retrospective, and I urge you to visit as soon as you have finished reading this issue of Tatler. You’ll see one of the fathers of art today. WHEN Until 13 January. WHERE Offer Waterman, 17 St George Street, W1 (waterman.co.uk). Josh Spero writes for the Financial Times.

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A bou t Tow n

Restaurants

Margot offers glamour, delicious food AND dachshunds! By Jeremy Wayne

HOW MUCH £210 for two, incl. wine WHAT TO EAT Salumi, tartares, cannoli WHO GOES Paulo and Nic groupies, post-show theatregoers, luvvies (rich ones)

kitchen, the most luxurious duck-egg-blue leather chairs and bespoke blue and white domeshaped wall tiles – a bit 1966. ‘Glamour!’ says the exquisitely dressed De Tarso, with a broad smile. And yes, it’s a glamorous space all right, big enough to be interesting but with a kind of supper-club intimacy too. Just what homogenous Covent Garden needs. Home-baked grissini, the length of a yardstick, land a moment after you sit down, and three kinds of bread, including a wildly good, just-made sourdough. Small plates of salumi (try strolghino, a 20-day-aged

HERITAGE-TOMATO SALAD AT MARGOT

MARINATED CEPS AT ELYSTAN STREET

SIDE ORDERS E LYSTA N ST R E E T 43 Elystan Street, SW3 (elystanstreet.com) With every table taken one recent weekday lunchtime, we knew that Phil Howard’s super-smart new restaurant would be a winner. From the two-course lunch menu at £35, strozzapreti with chanterelles, and wild duck with ruby chard are standouts, but it would be hard to imagine Howard delivering any dish that wasn’t star quality.

T H E G R I L L AT T H E D O RC H E ST E R 53 Park Lane, W1 (thedorchestercollection.com)

In the age of bare tables and decibel overload, the Grill is an oasis of calm and properly dressed to boot (both tables and guests). And the set lunch is a steal. You might follow Dorchestercured smoked salmon on a warm tarragon potato salad with excellent roast Scottish beef from the trolley and Yorkshire pudding – all for £29.

THE IVY CAFE 120 St John’s Wood High Street, NW8 (theivycafestjohnswood.com) The Ivy has been spreading its wings, and now it’s gone north-west, where the Ivy Café in St John’s Wood (locals call it the Oy Vey) may just be our favourite. They do a terrific three-course lunch for £21, and although service was a little dippy on our last visit, sincere apologies were made. A word of warning: do book, because it’s always packed.

THE BARFLY Zuma Fans of Mr Barfly will know I’ve a weakness for rum. So the new collaboration between Zuma and that prince of molasses, Ron Zacapa, along with the introduction of a ‘solera’ system (the same

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PICK ME!

system that ages sherry), had me hotfooting it over to test-drive a flight of five aged rums. Wow, Ron, that’s good stuff! The bar is open to everyone, by the way, not just diners. Zuma, SW7 (zumarestaurant.com).

PHOTOGRAPHS: SIMON OWEN, LISA BARBER, ISTOCK

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dachshund is looking up at me plaintively from my plate. No, not a real one – even the most outré London restaurants are not yet serving puppy, to the best of my knowledge – but one etched in grey. For reasons too complicated to go into here, this friendly little fellow is the emblem of Margot, the Italian restaurant that Paulo De Tarso and Nicolas Jaouën have opened in Covent Garden. Who doesn’t know Paulo? He was previously manager of Bar Boulud in Knightsbridge, and when word of his departure got out, regulars were distraught at losing their favourite maître d’. But they cheered up when they heard he’d be opening a restaurant of his own. Nicolas, meanwhile, comes from La Petite Maison. Margot has been a long time coming, but some things are worth waiting for. Decor-wise, think of a ground-floor room with a small bar and open

Parma culatello, sweet and salty) lead to antipasti – Pugliese burrata as rich as double cream, or tuna tartare enlivened with bottarga and candied orange. Blush-pink vitello tonnato, cut a little thicker than is usual, comes on a black slate, which I find a tad dated. (You know white-van man? I’m white-plate man.) For primi, both tagliolini with soft Sicilian prawns and tagliatelle with hare ragù are properly done – as, in the secondi, are roast saddle of venison with Savoy cabbage and pumpkin sauce, and osso buco with a saffrony risotto. A flattened cannolo is as good as cannoli can get, ie extremely. And the wine list has some terrific finds, like the Disznoko 2015, a beautiful Tokay. Even with the longest restaurant pedigree in the world, you still need luck, so that’s just what I wish Paulo and Nicolas. ‘You know,’ says Paulo, allowing himself a rare moment of immodesty, ‘we started as dishwashers. But I think now’s our time.’ 45 Great Queen Street, WC2 (margotrestaurant.com).


Gadgets Gadgets of the future: the shape of things to come. By Emma Freud IN THE WORKS

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his month, I’ve scoured Kickstarter’s webpages to find the most interesting gadgets that have recently applied for crowdfunding. Spoiler alert: one of them is a device that enables you to lick your cat without getting furballs. I apologise.

MAN CHARGER

Man charger

Licki brush

Digital butler

Some of us like our phone chargers small and discreet. Others, like inventor Justin Crowe, ache for a charger the size of a Labrador. ‘Paul’ is a fibreglass life-size naked torso with a nod to Michelangelo’s David, only without arms, legs or a head. But it does have an iPhone dock instead of a penis (I said ‘PENIS’) and features a retractable plug that can be pushed back into his bum (and I said ‘BUM’) for a nice, clean look and easy transportation. At the time of writing, Paul hadn’t reached his crowdfunding target. *confused face*

LICKI BRUSH

You know that sweet moment when you’re patting your cat and it starts to lick your hand as part of the feline cleaning ritual? Ever wanted to return the favour by placing a high-quality soft silicone brush in your mouth, holding it between your teeth and grooming your cat right back? No? Me neither – but Jason O’Mara did. He needed $36,000 to turn this dream into a product at your pet shop, and the terrifying part of this story is that he has so far raised $52,000. I know. I’m frightened too.

DIGITAL BUTLER Smart suitcase

Christmas-light creator

This is MASSIVE. Also quite hard to describe, but bear with... It looks like a huge iPad that you fix on the wall, and when it’s not active it can be digital art or a clock. When you get home and talk to it, the device chats back, using your voice commands to bring you the news, check your emails, send texts, book restaurants, make video calls, change the temperature of your home, order a pizza, show you maps, play a workout video or a recipe demo, track your friends via GPS – and when you leave the house, it’s a chalkboard for handwriting messages to your family. Basically, this is the butler you’ve been waiting for, as have three times as many backers as the inventors needed to make it work.

Shrimp Cloud

I feel like I’ve waited my whole life for this suitcase. It’s a perfectly nice-looking wheelie and comes in black, silver or pink. Correct. It has a built-in weighing machine so you know what the contents weigh (also useful if you are baking and can’t find the kitchen scales). Double tick. You don’t need a padlock because it opens by scanning your fingerprint. FFS. It has a global tracker thing (technical term) so you can outwit pesky thieves by checking where your case is using the app on your phone. Huzzah. It refuels your phone and computer at its three-outlet charging station. Technojoy. It has a speaker for music or chatting. I want to marry it. They needed $50,000 to make it work – they got $530,000. I’m buying 10.

CHRISTMAS LIGHT CREATOR

I’m not sure if we, as a nation, are taking Christmas seriously enough. I know I am – I have a calendar in my hall that goes up on Boxing Day and gives a week-by-week countdown to Christmas – but I’m concerned about everyone else. This gadget may help arrest Christmas fatigue: Twinkly is a string of fairy lights that comes with an app. Using your phone, you can create light patterns, write messages and draw things on your tree in lights – for instance, put a big red heart in the middle of the tree, then change it to a green scary face when your motherin-law comes over. It would go well with a classy, full-size ‘Santa Climbing Up Your Guttering’ outdoor illumination. If you can’t find one of those, tweet me – I have four.

SHRIMP CLOUD

Eric Dennis only needed $100 to make his dream a reality – creating a cloud of online storage that contains millions of pictures of a shrimp. *pause for that news to sink in.* Yup, that really is it. Not even a prawn too – just acres of photos of the same lone shrimp. Rewards for early investors included their face being photoshopped onto a shrimp to use as a screensaver, a flash drive with 8,000 shrimp that you can keep in your pocket or a CD of Eric saying ‘shrimp’ hundreds of times in a row. I am overjoyed to report that the Shrimp Cloud currently has over 17 times as much money as it needed to kickstart this mission into life. Shrimpgoals.

‘Paul’ has an iPhone dock instead of a penis and features a retractable plug that can be pushed into his bum

N E X T MON T H GA DGET S FOR TODDLER S

This is me on the web – emmafreud.com

SMART SUITCASE

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A bou t Tow n Featuring

TOFF GEAR

Sophia Money-Coutts...

Wi l l m y m u m l i k e i t ? Wi l l t h e d o g l

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can tell you why this car is fun. And it’s not just because it’s fast. Look at it – it’s obviously fast. And it’s not because, when you turn it on, the engine roars so loudly your neighbour’s children start crying. It’s not even because people stop and stare – actually gawp and take pictures on their phones – as you thunder past them. No. It is because of the game you can play with the doors. ‘Mum,’ I say casually, outside my mother’s house in Sussex, having driven down from London (lots of corners on the A283 to Petworth, which the car comfortably slunk around, cool as a cat burglar). ‘Could you just open the door while I put my boots on?’ Five minutes later, my mother is still bent double, trying to find her way into the car, and Trumpet, her dog, is sitting at her feet looking sad that he isn’t on his walk. I played this game all weekend with various friends and none of them cracked it, because there are no obvious handles. Instead, there is a little button tucked on the underside of a lip on the door, which you gently press and – whoosh – the doors swing up towards the sky like they do on the Batmobile. The 570 GT is the most luxurious supercar McLaren has ever built, which is a big deal because the British firm has only built a handful of road cars in its 54-year history. They say it’s designed for daily use as well as longer journeys (you get about 200 miles to the tank), but I have to caution

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i k e i t ? Ho w d o I g e t t h e d o o r o p e n

TWO HUMANS SPEND 15 MINUTES TRYING TO OPEN A CAR DOOR. THE DOG CAN’T BEAR TO WATCH...

They tell me this seat is made of cow skin

SCARY BUTTON!

DO NOT PRESS THE WEIRD, SCARY BUTTON. YOU DO NOT KNOW ITS FUNCTION

HOW AM I GOING TO GET MY MASSIVE BUSH IN HERE?

...and the

McLaren 570 GT

?

that it’s not a car to consider if you have recently had or are planning a hip replacement, since – once you’ve got over the excitement of the doors – climbing in and out requires a deep squatting manoeuvre. The good news is that once you’re in, you don’t want to get out anyway: leather seats that are softer than a cowboy’s chaps, a panoramic glass roof overhead, a seven-inch touchscreen infotainment system and a mysterious but compelling button that says ‘Launch’. Missiles? An ejector seat? I was too scared to investigate, but apparently it optimises the acceleration for the quickest time from a standing start and is thus much more suitable for the track than for a potholed lane in Sussex. The other thing you need to know about this car, apart from how to get into it, is where to find the boot. ‘There’s not much room in here,’ sniffs my mother as we drive along the lane, Trumpet sitting on her lap. And, at first glance, this is true. Just an alcove behind the two seats that is roughly big enough for a handbag. ‘What if you were a banker taking his new girlfriend away for the weekend?’ adds Mum. ‘She’d have to be very frugal. Just a toothbrush and a pair of knickers.’ Aha. But she’s wrong, because there is a boot. It’s just in the front, under the bonnet. So if you were going away for a weekend – dirty or otherwise – in this magnificent car, you needn’t worry. There is RRP £154,000 enough room for RIVALS AUDI R8, a couple of PORSCHE 911 TURBO overnight bags. SPIRIT ANIMAL THE A girl needs HUNGARIAN VIZSLA more than one pair of knickers. (


HAPPY VALLEY? Kenya has been a playground for the British aristocracy for the past century, offering intoxication, adultery and opportunity. But the elite expat community has been battered by scandal after scandal, by murder, divorce and incarceration. So why do they still come? And what will happen to Jack Marrian? Insiders talk to Sophia Money-Coutts

The Laikipia region in central Kenya, a favourite with the expat community

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PHOTOGRAPHS: GETTY IMAGES, CAMERA PRESS/DANIEL IRUNGU/EPA

Hanging out in Happy Valley, from left, Lady Idina Sackville, Raymond de Trafford, Alice de Janzé and the 22nd Earl of Erroll, c. 1940

Jack Marrian, grandson of the 6th Earl Cawdor, appears on drug-smuggling charges at a court in Nairobi, 2016. Above, the late Tom Cholmondeley, son of the 5th Lord Delamere, arrives at a court in Kenya to be tried for shooting a suspected poacher on his land, 2005

‘Kenya is undoubtedly the most dangerous country in the world for the male British aristocrat’

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iven the high statistical incidence of murder, police brutality, unfortunate accidents and wrongful arrests, Kenya is undoubtedly the most dangerous country in the world for the male British aristocrat,’ says Lord Monson. We are drinking large gin and tonics in the drawing room of Lord Monson’s house, overlooking a canal on the outskirts of Stratford-upon-Avon, while discussing the death of his 28-year-old son and heir, Alexander, in Kenya. Alexander, who had been living in Kenya with his mother, fell unconscious in a police cell in the coastal city of Mombasa in 2012 after being arrested for smoking cannabis. He died handcuffed to his bed in hospital the next day. Local police claim Alexander died from a drug overdose; a post-mortem later revealed he died from a blow to the head caused, probably, by the butt of a gun. Lord Monson, a 61-year-old financial consultant who is divorced from his first wife, says it’s murder and is waiting for an inquest to be revived in Nairobi after it was postponed last July, but the legal process in Kenya is lethargic and he could be waiting for months. He has written to Boris Johnson urging him to use his powers as foreign secretary and intervene, but he has yet to receive a reply. Meanwhile, there’s another headlinemaking case involving a young British man in Kenya. Jack Marrian, 31, is the grandson of the 6th Earl Cawdor and was arrested in August for alleged cocaine smuggling. He’s a sugar trader who went to Marlborough and then to Bristol University before moving to Kenya for the British sugar company ED&F Man, and was awaiting a sugar consignment from Brazil. When it arrived in Mombasa, the Kenyan authorities searched it, acting on a tip-off. They found 220 pounds of cocaine wrapped in polythene and hidden inside bags of sugar. Jack, as head of trading for the region, was arrested on charges of trafficking. He has since been released on bail of £530,000, paid by his company. The trial began in November.

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the group as ‘a community of English squires established on the Equator’, although even Waugh, no slouch when it came to a party, baulked at their behaviour. He described Raymond de Trafford, one of the set, as ‘v. nice but so BAD and he fights & fucks and gambles and gets D.D. [disgustingly drunk] all the time’. On the face of it, Tom Cholmondeley looked like a chip off the old block. He was accused of murder twice, once in 2005 after he shot an undercover wildlife ranger on his land and again in 2009 after he shot a poacher. He was cleared of the first charge but convicted of manslaughter for the second shooting and spent three years in detention. But Tom’s friends say the real truth has yet to come out, and that while Tom might have been eccentric, he was a good and loyal man. ‘At the funeral, there was a nice bit read out by a man who had been in Kamiti Prison with Tom,’ says one friend. ‘And thanks to Tom’s help, he’d qualified as a lawyer while there, and he gave a very heartfelt tribute to what Tom did, working on the prison’s water and electricity systems and that sort of thing. I was really very upset by the obituaries, calling him a relic of the colonial era. They traduced Tom.’

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ecause for all the apparent parallels with the Happy Valley set, the truth about modern Kenya is mostly very different. What was once a bulwark of the British Empire (from the 1880s, when the European powers began slicing and dicing ]

PHOTOGRAPHS: ALAMY, ANDREW FROST, REX FEATURES, DARIO MITIDIERI/GETTY IMAGES

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Jack, his friends and his family say he’s been set up. ‘I believe the Americans and the Spanish have an investigative document which they’ve handed to the Kenyan police detailing how the deal was done and who was involved, and it proves Jack’s innocence,’ says a British friend of Jack’s. ‘But the Kenyans have refused to release this document – if there’s one thing Kenyans hate, it’s being bullied by higher powers.’ Inevitably, both Alexander’s and Jack’s cases have revived talk of Happy Valley and the exploits of the British expats who drank, drugged and screwed themselves into oblivion from the Twenties until the Forties. Heroin and morphine were as rife as the shagging, and a favourite after-dinner game saw men poke their penises through a hole cut in a white sheet for guests to decide who it belonged to. The scene climaxed in 1941, when the Happy Valley set’s heartbreaker-in-chief Josslyn Hay, the 22nd Earl of Erroll, was murdered in Nairobi. By Sir Jock Delves Broughton, the husband of his latest conquest? By a spurned lover? By MI6? Over 70 years later, there is no definitive answer, despite various parties insisting otherwise. The scandal spawned James Fox’s 1982 book White Mischief – Fox concludes that Delves Broughton was behind the killing – and the film of the same name, starring Charles Dance and a peachy-bottomed Greta Scacchi. It also encouraged our ongoing obsession with the expat aristocrats and their antics in Africa. The sudden death of Tom Cholmondeley, also in August last year, has fuelled further reminiscing. Tom, who died, aged just 48, after a routine hip-replacement operation in Nairobi, was the great-grandson of the original white settler in Kenya, the 3rd Lord Delamere. Known as ‘D’ to his friends, Lord Delamere fell in love with the country when he went there on a lion-hunting expedition with 200 camels and 100 porters in 1891. He promptly sold his Cheshire estate and bought 100,000 acres of land to the north of Nairobi. He then encouraged various of his friends to do the same, and they formed the basis of the gin-swilling Happy Valley gang, so called because the area they colonised was in a hilly sliver of the Wanjohi Valley, 60 miles north of Nairobi. ‘D’ once rode his horse into the Norfolk Hotel in Nairobi and jumped the dining-room table while shooting out the lights; on another occasion, he gave a party for 250 people who managed to drink 600 bottles of champagne between them. Cyril Connolly referred to the ‘three As’ of the place: alcohol, altitude and adultery. And after visiting Kenya in the Thirties, Evelyn Waugh described


LEFT, A HANDCUFFED TOM CHOLMONDELEY IS LED TO THE LOCATION WHERE HE SHOT A POACHER, 2006. RIGHT, THE 22ND EARL OF ERROLL, WHO WAS MURDERED IN NAIROBI, POSSIBLY BY A SPURNED LOVER, IN 1941

Tom Cholmondeley with his parents, Lord and Lady Delamere, 2006

Alexander Monson, son of Lord Monson, died while in police custody in Kenya in 2012

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Africa, until 1963, when Kenya gained its independence from Britain) is now a modern, thrusting country with a booming middle class and a busy capital city where Uber Chopper has just launched a helicopter service. Oil was discovered there in 2012, so expats are pouring in for work, as are plenty of those in the security world, given Kenya’s ongoing hostilities with its eastern neighbour, Somalia. Kenyan troops crossed the country’s border with Somalia in 2011 to try and quash al-Shabab militants and there have been reprisals ever since, most notably the attack on Nairobi’s Westgate Mall in 2012 and, in 2015, the attack on Garissa University in northern Kenya, in which 148 people died. ‘There are loads of posh twats here who work in security,’ says an Old Etonian who lives in Nairobi. Mention the words ‘Happy Valley’ to any of them, however, and their eyes will swivel in their heads like marbles. ‘The cliché is as worn out as a tyre retread down to its canvas,’ says Errol Trzebinski, an 80-year-old writer who was born in Britain and moved to Kenya when she was 18. She then spent 12 years living on the farm that had belonged to Karen Blixen (the Danish author of Out of Africa), before

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oday, there are around 30,000 Brits living in Kenya, admittedly a very small number in a land of 45 million (although that count may be slightly inaccurate, since many of the descendants of the original British settlers have by now become Kenyan). And the country retains a special link with Britain. Prince William proposed to Kate Middleton on Mount Kenya while on holiday there in 2010, and both he and Prince Harry have holidayed at the 62,000-acre Lewa Wildlife Conservancy, founded by the Craigs, another big British-turned-Kenyan family. Kenya remains one of Britain’s big bilateral trading partners and is also a country into which we pour aid – a total of £150m for the year 2016/17. Lord Valentine Cecil is the brother of the Marquess of Salisbury and lives in Chelsea. But he spends as much time as he can at a Kenyan lodge north of Nairobi that he built in the Nineties. It’s called Laragai House and has eight bedrooms and a helipad. Valentine, 64, is a charming, gung-ho Old Etonian and retired Army major who always wears a carnation in his buttonhole – he flies himself up in a plane from Nairobi when

of Kenyan politics. There’s a ‘work hard, play hard’ ethos among expats, he adds, and the lifestyle is a big draw. ‘You can play polo at a fraction of the cost you could at home,’ he says, before going on to laud the safaris, the game-hunting, the fishing, the climate, the coastline and the dinner parties. ‘It’s much easier to be hospitable when you

marrying a Polish aristocrat and architect who also lived in Kenya. ‘Parties spawn affairs,’ Trzebinski says when I ask if certain antics still go on today. ‘Generations of youngsters here have grown up with the sort of hospitality that’s a way of life, and any stranger trekking in out of the blue has always been invited in for the night as a matter of course.’ All very breezy, but Trzebinski herself is embroiled in legal matters over the death of her son, Antonio. He was found dead beside his car in Nairobi in 2001 – an unsolved murder that has also drawn Happy Valley comparisons because ‘Tonio’, as he was known, was also caught up in a love triangle between his wife, Anna, and a glamorous Danish game-hunter named Natasha Illum Berg. Trzebinski insists that Tonio was killed by a hitman hired by his mother-in-law, and so a new inquest has opened; Berg and her family deny it and say the idea they’d hire a hitman is especially preposterous because Tonio’s mother-in-law was herself involved in a ménage à trois at the time. It brings to mind an old joke: ‘Are you married, or do you live in Kenya?’

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he’s there. ‘Everybody has a plane,’ says Lady Tatiana Mountbatten, the Marquess of Milford Haven’s 25-year-old daughter. A professional rider, she trains horses on the Borana estate, which is adjacent to the Craigs’ land and owned by the Dyers, another of the original big whitesettler families. Also nearby is the Wildenstein family’s 62,000-acre estate, Ol Jogi, as well as a ranch built by ICAP boss Michael Spencer (Tatiana’s stepfather), which another Brit tells me is ‘fuck-off enormous’. Valentine has been going to Kenya for 46 years, ‘the first time with the Army, on my way to [what was then] Rhodesia’. When he left the Army, he bought a telecommunications business based in Nairobi. ‘When I first went there, just eight years after independence, an awful lot of the white-settler community were thinking that this was the end and were advising their children to leave. But now, nearly half a century on, their children and grandchildren are still there, for much the same reasons that their parents went – they liked the life.’ There is little danger of a Zimbabwe-style land grab, he suggests, in part because the big white-settler families stay out

have staff,’ he adds. ‘I asked some neighbours for dinner the week after New Year, not realising they’d still have most of their guests staying. So I said to my cook, “We’re going to be 14 for dinner tomorrow night.” And then he came to see me the next day to discuss what we would be having, and I said, “We’re no longer 14, Joseph. We’re 48.” Well, you can imagine saying that in England. But it worked very well.’ The downside to modern Kenya, says Valentine, is corruption in the police, because they’re not paid a living wage. People, he says, are often stopped by the traffic police and forced to pay some spurious fine. And according to Valentine, it’s this corruption that has ensnared Jack Marrian. ‘As I understand it, shipping drugs in sugar has been used quite a lot in recent years, and Mombasa is a tremendous drug-shipping point. A lot of drugs come into the port and are sent elsewhere. The sums of money are huge, and a local official might be paid $300 a month. So if you go to him and say, “I don’t want you to look in this container and here’s $1,000,” you can understand how difficult it is.’

PHOTOGRAPHS: GETTY IMAGES, JEROME STARKEY/THE TIMES, WAYNE MASER, BRUCE HOBSON

ANTONIO TRZEBINSKI WAS FOUND DEAD BESIDE HIS CAR NEAR NAIROBI – THE MURDER HAS NEVER BEEN SOLVED


ABOVE, AN ELEPHANT AT THE LEWA WILDLIFE CONSERVANCY. BELOW, AUTHOR & KENYA RESIDENT ERROL TRZEBINSKI GIVES EVIDENCE AT THE INQUEST INTO THE DEATH OF HER SON ANTONIO, WHO WAS MURDERED IN A NAIROBI SUBURB IN 2001

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Antonio Trzebinski with his wife Anna. Above, Danish gamehunter Natasha Illum Berg with Kenyan warriors, 2008

Like most people, Valentine is confident that Marrian will be released but thinks that it may take time for him to be cleared. The figure bandied around by Marrian’s friends in Kenya is three years, a period during which Marrian cannot work or leave the country. ‘My guess is that he’ll get off,’ says Valentine. ‘The Kenyans have been under a lot of pressure from the US for not doing anything about the narcotics trade, so I can see why they might have arrested him. It’s a high-profile case – they wanted to be seen to be reacting to it. But now there’s a bit of embarrassment and loss of face.’ The other current issue in Kenya is security, with tourism still suffering after kidnappings of visitors along the coast in 2011. The British Foreign Office still advises against all but essential travel to certain parts of the coastline and areas close to the Somalian border. ‘I arrived in Nairobi the day Westgate happened,’ says Sandip Patel, an Old Harrovian who moved to Kenya to work in the textile business. Patel still shops there, whereas established expats, he says, tend to avoid it. He’s sanguine about security. ‘If you get robbed, it’s probably 3am, you’re a bit pissed and in a dodgy area. It’s the same in London. Worse, actually. I’ve had a knife pulled on me twice at home.’ And while some expats are gloomy about the security situation and the threat of unrest over the upcoming presidential election, Patel is optimistic about Kenya, and will shortly be opening a ‘Nikki Beach’-style club on the coast in Diani, south of Mombasa. There is, he says, a pulsating social life in the capital: ‘I went out in Westlands, a big expat area, and out of 20 under-35s, 16 were Old Etonians or Harrovians. All in chinos and shirts. If you go to the Purdy Arms on a Saturday night, you wonder, “Am I in Kenya or am I in Fulham?”’ Like many other expats, Patel says the 21st-century pioneers making inroads into Kenya are the Chinese, who are cutting huge energy and transport deals with the Kenyan government. ‘People are very unhappy with the influx of Chinese workers,’ says Juliet Barnes, a white Kenyan who is writing a book about the Delameres. ‘It’s believed they are partly responsible for the increase in poaching. But Kenya’s an extraordinary country. So I daresay we’ll end up being friends with the Chinese as well.’ Meanwhile, the Marrian and Monson families await their respective verdicts. ‘Britain and Kenya have always had a dysfunctional relationship,’ says Lord Monson. And, like most dysfunctional relationships, this one will take time to sort out. ( TATLER.COM

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Hero Douglas is 18 years old. She is an accomplished actress, harpist and equestrian. She was raised by her mother, Lady Alice Douglas, in a beautiful converted chapel in Snowdonia. Her father was a heroin addict, armed robber and television actor who brought violence and destruction into the family home. Here, Hero writes about how much she loved her father – and why she had to excise him from her life

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Hero


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Last summer, I was in London rehearsing for my role as Cecilia in a stage adaptation of F Scott Fitzgerald’s The Last Tycoon. The assistant director was pushing me to connect with the betrayal, the anger, the sadness of my character. He told me to stop being emotionally numb. When he said that, it felt like he had hit me – it was a physical sensation, right in the pit of my stomach. I felt like I was about to cry. I didn’t want to cry, I never cry, so I pinched myself to try and stop the tears, but it didn’t work – they tumbled out anyway. The rest of the cast fiddled with coffee cups, made notes on their scripts or glanced at their phones as I tried to pull myself together. I hate it when my mask slips. I was raised in North Wales in a small village in the Snowdonia mountains. My parents had bought a beautiful abandoned old stone church and my first bedroom had a mosaic apse for a ceiling. My father, Simon Melia, had been in the Army, was on the mountain-rescue team and had a successful career as an actor performing in television dramas like The Bill, Kavanagh QC and Dream Team. When I was little he was my whole world. I remember the joy I felt sitting on his shoulders. He was strong, secure and loving. He’d take me off to explore the forest surrounding our house. We’d stop and chat to farmers about the weather or sheep as we made our way to the lake, Llyn Mymbyr, where we’d skim stones over the dark water. Dad would tell me stories about an imaginary character called Peepy Mouse. If it was warm enough, we’d paddle, swim or go out in a kayak. My mother, Alice Douglas, had been an actress and director but, after the loss of her first-born son, decided to be a stay-at-home mum for our early years. She also had a title and I found it embarrassing when my friends’ parents referred to her as Lady Alice. My grandfather is the 12th Marquess of Queensberry and a wonderful man who fought for gay rights and the abolition of the death penalty. I guess our family is best known for the boxing rules and the downfall of Oscar Wilde. Mum would catch us up at the lake with a picnic and ingredients to put on a barbecue. She’d bring my younger brother, Tybalt. Our Shetland pony, Tuppence, would be pulling a cart laden with bikes, camping chairs and wetsuits. Life was idyllic. I loved riding and very soon became a Pony Club member. I would never miss a rally or badge night. I’d always look my best so that our district commissioner, Sandy, wouldn’t find a speck of dirt on my white jodhpurs or a stray hair poking out of my hairnet. Horses and music were my passions. I learnt the piano and the harp, and used to sing along to songs with my dad non-stop, wherever we were. To me, it seemed we were a perfect family, so perfect that we were often photographed for magazines. Even so, I sensed I was slightly different to my classmates at my small Welsh primary school. I remember one teacher saying, ‘Hero, only you would have a Christian Dior blouse for school.’ I had no clue why that was different to any other blouse, and certainly

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my parents hadn’t bought me anything that fancy. It was a hand-me-down from my aunt, who, when she came to stay, always gave us bin bags of amazing clothes that her children had grown out of. My dad did seem more glamorous than other parents. He’d stand tall, and was very self-assured, handsome and articulate. My mother wasn’t like that. She was scruffy, forever busy with horses, dogs, me, my brother, builders or shopping. If anything, I imagined she lowered the tone of our family. Usually wearing pyjama bottoms and Hunter wellies, she would pick me up from school in a very old open-topped MG, which regularly broke down or caught fire. She’d never brush her hair and was always doing 50 things at the same time. But if you wanted five friends for a sleepover, she was the one to ask. Her answer to everything was, and is, yes. I don’t know when I first became aware that home wasn’t as idyllic as it looked. I have fragments of memories from early childhood. I remember watching mum’s reflection in the car rear-view mirror and seeing tears. She also cried while cooking, but said it was onions. She had a habit of getting caught in doors when she was going out of the house or getting in the car. Dad would slam them before she’d got out the way. He’d sometimes get angry and smash dinner plates, splattering food over the walls. I’d worry about how we could clean it up. Dad also often needed money and could sleep all day. Once, Mum had done something, so she had to sit on a chair all night and wasn’t allowed to go to bed. I remember being quite impressed that she was still there when I got up in the morning. I guess it was around this time that a friend told me my dad was a bad man. I didn’t understand what she meant and thought maybe he’d got a detention. I asked my parents and they explained to me a little about my father’s history. It was a shock to discover he’d committed an armed robbery and been in jail. My mother had met him in HMP Blundeston when she played Lady Macbeth opposite him in a prison production of Macbeth (he was Macbeth) – they’d kept in touch and fallen in love. They married near the end of his sentence when he was in an open prison and was allowed home at weekends. When I was five, we got a new au pair from Poland. She was called Magda and was 18. I don’t remember much about her, except that she crashed my mum’s car into the wall next to playgroup. All the parents and children were shouting ‘Stop!’, but she kept going and the whole side of the car crumpled like tinfoil. She lived with us for about six months and then one morning she left. So did Daddy. A few days later, I went to visit them in Llandudno and he told me that Magda was ]


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I’D WATCH MUM’S REFLECTION IN THE CAR REAR-VIEW MIRROR & SEE TEARS. SHE’D ALSO CRY WHILE COOKING, BUT SAY IT WAS ONIONS...

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AFTER MUM GAVE HIM MONEY, HE’D HUG ME AND TELL ME HE WAS SORRY BUT HE WAS LEAVING AND HE WASN’T SURE IF HE’D SEE ME AGAIN [his girlfriend now. But I think he didn’t like being away from us, and quite soon he left Magda and moved into the other end of the church. He became unpredictable. He’d look forward to dinner, but then give our dog the freshly roasted lamb and throw the rest of his food in the bin. I now know he was using heroin and crack, but at the time I was six and didn’t understand. I knew he hid things in his shoe, and I knew I had to keep him in a good mood because it was frightening when he was angry. He sometimes lived at home, sometimes on a friend’s sofa and sometimes rough. He’d sleep in a tent or van near our house. Mum would tell us not to worry and that Daddy would sort himself out soon. Although I didn’t believe her and was upset when he told me he had to eat dog food as he had no money. When he was nearby in his van, my brother and I would traipse off to find him after school with his dinner in a picnic hamper. When he came to the house, the situation was very tense. He’d usually stay for half the day or until Mum gave him money, and then he’d hug me and tell me he was sorry but he was leaving and he wasn’t sure if he’d see me again. I felt afraid that something

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We went to see endless people – therapists, social workers, Cafcass (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) officers, lawyers, doctors – but they didn’t listen or help. They knew we weren’t safe but left us with Dad as he’d shout so loudly about how he loved his kids. I loved him with my whole heart and longed to have perfect days with him, but that didn’t happen often. I’d not see him for weeks on end and then he’d suddenly ring and arrange to take me out. I’d wait for hours by the window hoping he’d come, and eventually I’d be next to him in the car, driving away with the stereo blaring as we sang along to The Clash’s ‘Bankrobber’ (‘My Daddy was a bankrobber’), which he played a lot. But the magic moments never lasted long. We often drove somewhere dodgy, like to a friend’s in a nearby town. The windows of this house were smashed and rubbish was strewn on the bare, dirty floors. Dad would leave me on a soiled mattress with a toothless woman who said she was 17 but looked more like 80. She kept falling asleep, so I played I Spy on my own. One time on the way home, we stopped to get fuel and my dad leapt out of the car and punched a man straight in the face. He knocked four of his teeth out and then got back in the car. I cuddled Tybalt, who was crying. It’s one of the few times I’ve seen Tybalt cry.

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Hero in a Dior T-shirt. Below, her maternal grandmother, Ann, first wife of the Marquess of Queensbury, on the cover of Tatler, 1957

bad would happen and wondered if he’d die. One day he wouldn’t leave and said that Mum had to go to the bank and get him money. As this happened regularly, she refused and he grew nasty. A lady called Lisa was laying some bathroom tiles at our house and she left to dial 999 in the payphone across the road. The local police decided the best approach was to give us a call to check everything was OK. My dad snatched the phone and they asked him nicely if he could leave as they were too busy to visit that day. He assured them he would, hung up and threw the phone across the room – it smashed, spraying shards of plastic. I’d never felt so scared. My mother got the car keys and begged him to let her take us with her, but we weren’t allowed to go. We had to stay with Dad to make sure she came home. It felt like ages till she returned with £500. Finally, Dad left and we could bolt the door and watch television. The police rang to check on us that night and Mum said we were fine. Mum’s family did try to help and wanted to get a court document to stop Dad being allowed to come to the house. When I was seven, we finally got an injunction, which was supposed to keep us safe. Dad broke it countless times. In court, in August 2005, the judge commended his commitment to seeing his children – despite the fact that some of these visits were at 3am. The judge also suggested that as he’d been caught with heroin in his system recently, he might refrain from using it when we were in his care. The two years of the court process were the worst. We’d end up going to see Dad for the afternoon and then he wouldn’t let us go home. He’d say, ‘You want to stay with your daddy, don’t you?’ and we’d agree. I was scared staying overnight with him as he was often angry or went out for hours during the night. Tybalt was less worried and would ring Mum and ask her to send over the PlayStation, the Lego and all our toys. One time, Dad kept us for a week and Mum had to go to court to get us back.


When I was 11, I went to board at Chetham’s School of Music, in Manchester. It is world-renowned, and I was incredibly lucky to get a fully funded place. I was studying harp, singing, composition and piano. I loved many aspects of being there but was also terribly homesick. Four hours alone in a practice room every day was great for me as a musician, but it also gave me far too much thinking time. While I was there, my father got a new girlfriend and moved to Belfast. I would see him occasionally. He was still using drugs intermittently and one day, when I was 14, he left me a poisonous message saying I didn’t deserve to have his surname and he didn’t allow me to use it any more. This was shattering but it gave me my freedom. That day, I assumed my mother’s maiden name and became a Douglas. I decided that loving Dad was too painful and I couldn’t do it any longer. Not long after that, I decided to read all the court documents. I wanted to unravel the confusing memories of my childhood. I hadn’t seen or spoken to Dad for six months and had begun to pine for a fantasy figure. I was telling myself beautiful lies that were bubbling up from my subconscious. I needed to remind myself of the truth. I felt like I was reading stuff about a different family. Every time I read my name it gave me a jolt. I have only spoken to my father a handful of times since then. He called me on my 17th birthday (although as it was 2am, technically it was the next day). He was rambling, incoherent and frightening. I haven’t heard from him since. My love, loyalty and longing to please him have now transformed into indifference. I feel numb when I think of him. I occasionally wonder if he’d be a good man without drugs, but I’m not prepared to find out. He has four children who don’t see him and I think we are all relieved that he is out of our lives. My mum has been with her partner, Steve, for 10 years, and he is the most calming, gentle, kind person to have around. Tybalt called him ‘Dad’ from very early on and I remember being furious, saying, ‘Dad is dad and Steve is Steve.’ I was probably a bit jealous at how easy it was for Tybalt. I still don’t address Steve as Dad, but on my phone his number is saved under ‘Dad’. And he is that to me – I just can’t say the word. He is a photographer who used to take pictures of our family for magazines. I have lots of those lovely images in my room. I like photos from my childhood – everything is perfect and pretty and pain-free. Maybe that’s why I love to be on the stage as an actress, harpist or singer, because I can escape into another world. I occasionally worry about my repressed emotions. I’m too scared to fall in love as I don’t want to ever be vulnerable, but I am only 18, so I suppose there’s plenty of time. Sometimes I’m accused of being detached, but allowing mys elf to experience powerful feelings takes me back to my childhood and the decision I made to let go of my dad, and if I think about that too hard I’m afraid I might shatter. I wish I could remember only the best bits of my childhood. Sometimes, when I’m alone and sad in the middle of the night, I want to protect Dad, to dream that everything could be OK. I realise I have to be careful not to idolise a fantasy version of who he was. I hold two truths in my heart: one where my father is good and one where he is bad. The day that I cut off from him was the moment I stopped being a child. I had no innocence left to love him with. ( Hero will be playing Sibyl in The Picture of Dorian Gray this summer for Ruby in the Dust theatre company.

Hero with her brother, Tybalt, and her mother, Lady Alice Douglas, and Lady Alice’s partner, Steve Roberts, 2008

Hero. Above left, Lady Alice playing Cupid in a mid-Nineties stage production

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I WAS TELLING MYSELF BEAUTIFUL LIES THAT WERE BUBBLING UP FROM MY SUBCONSCIOUS. I NEEDED TO REMIND MYSELF OF THE TRUTH

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An Instagram post by Georgina Chapman, showing the private jets of guests attending the 2016 Allen & Company Sun Valley Conference

YOU HAVE

ARRIVED! W

e all know about FOMO, and all too much about that fantastically hip ’n’ happening party in Dalston that you really, really had to have been at to appreciate quite how much it changed the world. But now a more dreadful affliction stalks the land: MOOFEYNKE – Missing Out On Fantastic Events You Never Knew Existed. The Camp, for example, Google’s überexclusive beano, which last August had its third iteration and is the hottest ticket on the planet. Only 100 people are invited, plus their families, which is a bumper bonus that distinguishes the Camp from most other super-secret and hyper-exclusive jamborees – the family feel is meant to evoke summer camp, that staple of American childhood. Twenty people, I’m told, are from Google, while the rest are tech titans (Elon Musk, Snapchat’s Evan Spiegel), global phenomena (Malala

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Yousafzai, Pharrell Williams), intellectual glamourpusses (Charlize Theron, Karlie Kloss) and general big cheeses (Barry Diller, Queen Rania of Jordan, Goldman Sachs chairman/ CEO Lloyd Blankfein). They’re put up at Rocco Forte’s Verdura hotel in Sicily and dress is, according to an insider, ‘Silicon Valley meets Sicily-vacation chic’ – in other words, down. Indeed, said another source, ‘the more dressed down you are, the more powerful you are.’ It’s all very chilled, and everything said and done is meant to be under Chatham House Rules – ie, to be kept private. Though no one seemed to worry about having their pictures taken last summer: there were Instagram posts aplenty. But as to who said what to whom: lips are sealed. The aim is to feed both the mind and the senses: to mix brains, beauty, wealth and wisdom in an environment that is entertaining, educative, exclusive and a safe space to say what you think. That’s an attitude the Camp shares with other invitations you’d kill for.

At the Camp, for instance, there are stimulating talks in the morning, giving any guests who want to pitch up the latest in genomics or the fight against leukaemia; in the afternoon, it’s fun, games, golf, bonfires and the beach; in the evening, dinner among the Greek temples of Agrigento’s Valle dei Templi, with five songs from Alicia Keys afterwards, plus a jazz band. All for free, of course, except getting there – which means a slew of helicopters, private planes and Barry Diller and Diane von Furstenberg’s yacht, all of which are recognisable at 300 yards to other guests. ‘If you have to ask someone, you shouldn’t be there; it’s like trainspotting on a whole different level,’ says a guest. Another wouldn’t even confirm he’d gone for fear of not being invited again. A good time was had by all, though – if you can use the word ‘all’ to describe the chosen few. ‘It’s amazing to be invited,’ said one stilldazzled attendee. ‘You don’t dare mention it to anyone beforehand, in case they haven’t been asked too.’ One other plus: no politicians. ]

PHOTOGRAPHS: GEORGINA CHAPMAN/INSTAGRAM, DIANE VON FURSTENBERG/INSTAGRAM, GABRIEL MOULIN/BANCROFT LIBRARY/UNIVERSITY OF BERKELEY

How will you know if you are one of the most important and influential people in the world? You will have been been invited to Google Camp, along with 99 other masters of the universe (and their families). David Jenkins on the ultra-exclusive, secret and luxurious get-togethers (yes, there are more) that only the very finest minds and wallets attend


Karlie Kloss, far right, celebrates her 24th birthday during the 2016 Google Camp, aboard the yacht belonging to Barry Diller and Diane von Furstenberg, second from right, with guests including Malala Yousafzai, centre, and Pharrell Williams, far left Richard Nixon’s campaign manager Harvey Hancock, standing, with Ronald Reagan, left, and Nixon, right, at Bohemian Grove, 1967

ABOVE, BOHEMIAN GROVE, C.1906. BELOW, PAUL ALLEN’S YACHT, OCTOPUS, 2005

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is meant to be conducted, but... well, one does meet people. That’s perhaps why more and more such MOOFEYNKE gatherings are being organised, particularly by those new masters of the universe, the tech nobility – ‘unconferences’, in the jargon used by Yossi Vardi, the Israeli tech investor and blue-sky thinker. David Rowan, ex-editor of tech bible Wired, says: ‘What I’m noticing in a world of ubiquitous online “friendship” is a growing demand for genuine in-person connection that’s been thought about. Curation, in other words: careful choosing of who the people are and how they spend their time together.’ That’s what drew Tony Blair, Ivanka Trump, Ashley Judd, Jeff Bezos, Tim Cook, George Osborne, Eric Schmidt et al to a recent, all-but-unreported long weekend in Colorado, hosted by Charlie Rose, the American talk-show host, and all free, gratis and for nothing, bar travel. ‘Not unlike Google Camp,’ my source said, ‘in wonderful surroundings’, with the mornings (which started at 7.30am) devoted to ‘serious’ talks and conversations about artificial Guests arrive at Ile intelligence, the problems of St-Honorat for the globalisation and the banishment Cannes Lions event of ageing, and the afternoons awash with possibilities like tennis with the star coach Nick Bollettieri, wellness with Deepak Chopra and hiking with Annabelle Bond. It’s all ‘at a very high level’, and all under those Chatham House Rules. (No photos, either.) Bad behaviour? None, according to another guest who said it was the same at other invitation-only, hyper-intelligent gigs he’s gone to. ‘I think,’ he said, ‘that people feel the weight of responsibility too heavily.’ Lawks. In the good old days, drinking was heavy – But there is a time and a place for wildness – 7am gin fizzes, obliterating cocktails called Nembutal (after the sleeping pill) and lagoons as David Rowan points out, ‘a lot of [the tech] community goes to Burning Man, and at of whisky. Now, a recent guest let slip, things Burning Man you can create the identity you are a tad more measured. What still goes on want. There are no limitations on your sexual are the amateur dramatics/cabaret. A leaked expression, your creative expression.’ email revealed that last year’s ‘Complete There are other ways of encouraging History of Comedy in 50 Minutes’ featured creative expression: the advertising king Sir such stars as Colin Powell and Henry Martin Sorrell invites 125 or so tech, media Kissinger ad-libbing ‘some very funny lines’, and marketing luminaries each June to an ex-King Juan Carlos of Spain, Michael oasis of calm amid the mayhem of Cannes Bloomberg and Jimmy Buffett. Drag shows Lions, the advertising industry’s weekare a favourite too. The more serious stuff long celebration of itself. The chosen ones takes place each afternoon at the Lakeside take deliberately unflashy speedboats to Talk, where a Colin Powell, a Ronald Reagan, a Rockefeller or a colossal industrialist the beautiful and wi-fi-free Ile Saint-Honorat, an island inhabited by monks that is ‘what will discuss matters of great moment in a the South of France, should be’, says Ella 30-minute speech. Theoretically, no business

‘Care’, the idea being that just briefly they can relinquish the burdens of running the world and let it all hang out – while, of course, still having the odd sober conversation about quantitative easing, Russian intentions in the Baltic, robotics or whatever. Meantime, you will, one undercover interloper wrote, ‘know you are inside Bohemian Grove when you round a bend to see a man with a beer in one hand and his penis in the other, urinating into the bushes. This is the most gloried-in ritual of the encampment: the freedom of powerful men to pee wherever they like.’

THE MOST GLORIED-IN RITUAL OF THE CAMP IS THE FREEDOM OF POWERFUL MEN TO PEE WHERE THEY LIKE men, and mostly mature in years. And strictly much-coveted invitation-only, like all these ultra-desirable outings. In fact, I was told, prospective guests are first approached by an intermediary and asked whether they’d accept an invitation if one were proffered. Bilderbergers don’t like to be turned down. Not many people would turn down an invitation to Bohemian Grove, a pleasure dome in the redwoods 70 miles north of San Francisco that’s primarily populated by very powerful, very wealthy men. ‘It’s like great sex,’ said one happy camper. ‘Even more than it’s cracked up to be.’ Members – there are more than 2,000 of them, with a decades-long waiting list – invite chums along for up to two weeks of unbridled revelry, kicked off by the ritual cremation of an effigy representing

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PHOTOGRAPHS: DAVE BENETT, SCOTT OLSON, DREW ANGERER/GETTY IMAGES

[In that, it’s unlike the Bilderberg Meetings, which have been going since 1954 and feature high on any world-domination conspiracy-theory list. Bilderberg oozes pols – it’s where, in 1975, Margaret Thatcher first caught the eye of David Rockefeller and Henry Kissinger, and where both Tony Blair and Bill Clinton made appearances before becoming prime minister and president respectively – together with magnates like Count Henri de Castries, boss of AXA, and rising young corporate stars. Named after the Dutch hotel that first housed it, the three-day-long event (the organisers call it ‘summer school for the influential’) is held every year in a majestically comfortable hotel – including, in 2013, at the Grove Hotel in Watford, not normally a town you associate with the aphrodisiac of power. In 2016, it was held at the Hotel Taschenbergpalais in Dresden and, a little mole told me, there were sobering talks on cyber-security and dirty nuclear bombs, an ‘impressive’ performance by Christine Lagarde and – pre-referendum – an assumption that the UK wouldn’t vote for Brexit, but an agreement that if it did, it would have to be given a hard time, pour encourager les autres not to leave. All in all, mostly


The ritual burning of ‘Care’ at Bohemian Grove

,

,

,

ABOVE, OPRAH WINFREY & TED SARANDOS OF NETFLIX AT THE ALLEN & COMPANY SUN VALLEY CONFERENCE, 2011. BELOW, ANNA & GRAYDON CARTER AT SUN VALLEY, 2016

Tamara Mellon and Michael Ovitz, former president of the Walt Disney Company, at Sun Valley, 2014

Kieran, who helps put the afternoon together. Lunch is simple and delicious and followed by an afternoon of conversations with the likes of Jack Dorsey of Twitter, Lachlan Murdoch, the music producer Alex da Kid and Nick D’Aloisio, the now 21-yearold founder of Summly, the automaticsummarisation algorithm. Katharine Viner, editor of the Guardian, has attended, as have Rebekah Brooks and Brent Hoberman, co-founder of lastminute.com and Founders Forum, and it’s both an honour to be asked and invigorating to listen to the talks.

L

imiting the event to 125 is shrewd. Robin Dunbar, the Oxford anthropologist, has come up with Dunbar’s number – 150 – as the optimum for any group: not too tiny and not too intimidatingly large. Mark Zuckerberg is a great believer and has much of Facebook divided into 150-person cohorts. In fact, number grumbles are beginning to be heard about the Sun Valley Conference in Idaho, investment bank Allen & Company’s extravaganza for 300 captains of industry plus

their families. True, such examples of the working rich as Rupert Murdoch, Mark Zuckerberg, Oprah Winfrey, Justin Trudeau, Sheryl Sandberg, Tamara Mellon, Graydon Carter and Diane von Furstenberg were members of the golden horde who pitched up last year. But for all the white-water rafting, hiking and glad-handing that goes on at the five-day long bonanza, it’s begun to feel as though there are just too many hands to glad. Still, check out designer Georgina Chapman’s photograph of the private jets lined up at nearby Friedman Memorial Airport in Hailey and you’ll see clear evidence of an abundance of movers and shakers whose acquaintance you might wish to make. Small, though, is beautiful. Rowan, for example, curates 14-to-16-person dinner parties at which conversation is initiated by a question asked around the table. ‘Tell us three things about yourself, two of which are true,’ was one. Another was: ‘If you had a billion dollars you had to spend in the next 12 months, what would you do?’ Various eclectic ideas were floated until it became the turn of Steve

Case, co-founder of AOL, to talk. ‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘I’ve had this problem before.’ That’s probably a problem Paul Allen, the co-founder of Microsoft, has thought about in his time too. Meanwhile, he has a long-running history of issuing alluring, Google Campian invitations to his gorgeous 414ft boat, Octopus, be it sailing off Alaska or in the South China Sea. Again, wise men give sage talks in the morning while rock bands play at night. Jerry Hall has been, as has Sir Tom Stoppard, and tech whizzes. ‘Takes all sorts,’ said my source. Indeed it does, and if you’re in the art world there is, in truth, only one invitation you need and one place to be: Hans Ulrich Obrist’s Brutally Early Club, at which such luminaries as Marina Abramović meet the artistic director of the Serpentine and other chums in a café for a 6.30am breakfast. Or did. Obrist has decided 6.30 is for wimps. Now he’s started the OM3AM club, which meets, unsurprisingly, at 3am, once allegedly in a car park in Walthamstow. It’s free, and hip as hell, but there’s no report of Barry Diller and Diane von Furstenberg’s yacht showing up. Yet. ( TATLER.COM

TAT L E R F E B RUARY 2017


Match the geek to

A droll game to play on a rainy afternoon – pair the tech 1 MIRANDA KERR

?

Role Supermodel The Aussie beauty and former Victoria’s Secret Angel used to be married to the elf Orlando Bloom, but now the 33-year-old is engaged to a tech megastar. She has her own skincare line, Kora Organics, and practises transcendental meditation for 20 minutes a day, so she’s incredibly zen, all the time. 5 ELISSA PATEL

?

Role Artist Twentysomething Imperial College graduate Elissa left her job as community marketing manager at photo app Frontback to focus on her art. She’s best known for her Disney mash-up collages – think Lady and the Tramp matching on Tinder or Mufasa and Simba at Burning Man.

TAT L E R F E B RUARY 2017

TATLER.COM

2 WILLIAM ‘MACK’ KNIGHT

?

Role Senior manager at Medallia This sporty Princeton graduate prefers going by his middle name and likes taking his top off, which is handy because he has a 12-pack. The 35-year-old is based in San Francisco and is a senior manager at Medallia, a tech start-up that sells business software. Also has an equally buff identical twin brother. 6 ERIK TORSTENSSON

?

Role Co-founder of Saturday Group, Frame Denim and Good American Handsome, charming, talented and funny Swede Erik, 38, is the co-founder of mega-media agency Saturday Group and denim labels Good American and Frame Denim, the latter beloved of his long-legged pals Lara Stone and Karlie Kloss.

titan with their incredibly attractive

3 GENEVIEVE DE BORCHGRAVE

?

Role Interior designer Belgian Geneviève, 43, is one of London’s most in-demand interior designers and also one of its best dressed – she looks smoking hot in silk pyjamas and heels. Her bulging address book was the inspiration behind one of her beau’s most successful digital ventures... 7 BARONESS LANE-FOX

?

Role Co-founder of lastminute.com Baroness Lane-Fox of Soho, 43, is one of the brains behind lastminute.com and karaoke chain Lucky Voice. When Martha joined the House of Lords three years ago, she found herself the youngest woman in the upper chamber. Her school nickname? Fast Lane Foxy.

4 EVAN SPIEGEL

?

Role Co-founder of Snapchat Since launching Snapchat with two fellow students from his Stanford dorm room in 2011, LA-born Spiegel, 26, has become the world’s youngest billionaire, worth £1.7bn. He’s a licensed helicopter pilot and a party animal – he came up with the Snapchat idea at a frat-house bash. 8 MICHAEL ACTON SMITH

?

Role Founder/CEO of Mind Candy Michael, 42, is the founder of children’s website Moshi Monsters, which has over 100m users, and the owner of Silicon Roundabout’s shaggiest hair. He loves ping-pong so much that he started a tech city Ping Pong Fight Club and once carpeted his entire flat in fake grass for a mini music festival.


THE T WAP !

*

* TWAPS stands for Tech Wives and Partners. And they were all together at the time of going to press. Fingers crossed!

over-achiever partner. And then work out who is doing who a favour... By Luciana Bellini ?

10 DAME NATALIE MASSENET

Role Co-founder of Airbnb If you like the look of Brian, invite yourself over to his place in San Francisco – for £40 a night you can sleep on his sofa (through Airbnb, naturally). The 35-yearold is worth £2.7bn and used to be a bodybuilder – now he’s more into yoga, but he does still have 16in biceps...

PHOTOGRAPHS: GETTY IMAGES, THE IMAGE DIRECT, REX FEATURES/SHUTTERSTOCK, SPLASH

13 KATHRYN PARSONS

?

Role Co-founder of Decoded Cambridge graduate Kathryn, 34, speaks six languages: English, Mandarin, Japanese, French, Italian and, er, code. To help the rest of us catch up, she started Decoded to teach people how to code in a day. The Channing old girl doesn’t sleep much, but loves to meditate.

?

Role Founder of Net-a-Porter Natalie, 51, was working in the Tatler fashion department when she came up with the genius idea for Net-a-Porter, and she made over £100m when it was sold in 2015. Lives in South Kensington with her two daughters, loves tequila and cuts her own hair. Profoundly impressive. 14 MARK ZUCKERBERG

?

Role Co-founder/chairman/ CEO of Facebook The grey-T-shirt-loving, Mandarinspeaking 32-year-old billionaire is the youngest person in the Forbes list of the world’s 10 richest people. He lives in Palo Alto and has a Hungarian sheepdog, Beast, who looks a bit like a mop, but is less useful than a mop.

11 CHRIS GORELL BARNES

?

Role Founder/CEO of Adjust Your Set Chris, 42, founded digital-content agency Adjust Your Set and managed to cajole fish-phobic Helena Bonham Carter into posing naked with a 60lb tuna for his Blue Marine Foundation. The Bedales old boy loves colourful trousers and Andy Warhol. 15 EMMA WATSON

?

Role Actress The wizard-loving UN Women Goodwill Ambassador used to have a real-life crush on Draco Malfoy, but now the 26-year-old is enamoured of a tech hunk. A certified yoga instructor, she thinks Nutella is the best thing on earth and would always rather receive a handwritten note than an email.

12 PRISCILLA CHAN

?

Role Paediatrician Priscilla met her tech titan while queuing for the loo at a Harvard frat-house party, as you do. The 31-year-old speaks English and Cantonese, as well as Spanish (the language most of her patients speak) and she loves fancy dress – Disney costumes are a particular favourite. 16 BRENT HOBERMAN

?

Role Co-founder of lastminute.com Eton and Oxford-educated Brent, 48, founded lastminute.com in 1998 with Martha Lane Fox before floating it at the value of £571m. He lives in Holland Park, has a house in St Tropez and loves gadgets – he’s got a device that runs his bath before his alarm goes off every morning. (

Answers: 2+15; 4+1; 7+11; 8+13; 9+5; 10+6; 14+12; 16+3

9 BRIAN CHESKY

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Al Murray at home with his pictorial extravaganza: to his right, Animal from The Muppet Show; directly above him, Led Zeppelin’s manager Peter Grant with Robert Plant and John Paul Jones

Photographed by PAL HANSEN TAT L E R F E B RUARY 2017

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ANARCHIST ARISTOCRAT COM E D I A N WHO IS AL MURRAY?

AL MURRAY WEARS HIS OWN CLOTHES. STYLED BY PHLIPPA DURELL

By Gavanndra Hodge

A

l Murray is not a pub landlord. He does not run a pub, he is not a leering, xenophobe fantasist-fabulist with a sketchy grasp of facts. He is a 48-year-old, very successful comedian who routinely uses a knitted tea cosy and lives in a huge house in Chiswick with his two teenage daughters, a whirring wine fridge, some ancestral portraits (William Makepeace Thackeray was his great-great-great-grandfather) and a collection of Action Man-style dolls of historical figures like Saddam Hussein and Winston Churchill. And yet there are ways in which the real world and the character Murray created 22 years ago do intersect. When on stage, Murray inhabits the persona of the (nameless) landlord with such ease that audience members do seem to sometimes get confused between fiction and reality; and then, last year, the landlord burst

through the fourth wall and stood against Nigel Farage in the by-election for South Thanet, representing the Free United Kingdom Party (FUKP). He lost, getting only 318 votes, but some of his electoral pledges seem scarily prescient, like that on immigration: ‘Of course, the reason they are coming here is because this is the greatest country in the world. The only way to stop them is for a government to change that and make things a whole lot worse. Look no further. However, in the meantime we brick up the Channel Tunnel. With British bricks. Probably have to get some Poles in to do it. Common sense.’ Because the clever thing about the Pub Landlord is how he converges with the current reality. The Landlord’s latest show is called ‘Let’s Go Backwards Together’. It examines our ‘post-fact’, post-referendum world and has been acclaimed by some critics as perhaps the Landlord’s finest incarnation yet. And apparently, the Landlord would be ‘amazed and delighted’ to be talked about in Tatler. ‘He would have heard of it,’ says Murray.

‘He’ll have a notion that it exists. It would make him bow, scrape and cringe. And flick Vs, all at once. I mean traditional British Vs. He wouldn’t be giving anyone the middle finger. He’s a traditionalist. They might respect that.’ That Al Murray himself should actually appear in Tatler is less of a surprise. Look him up and you will see that he has some very grand ancestors – in addition to Thackeray on his maternal side, there is the 3rd Duke of Atholl, who was his father’s great-greatgreat-grandfather; there is also a bishop, an ambassador and a lady called Baroness Strange floating around his family tree. All of which, combined with Bedford School (where he was briefly head boy) and Oxford University have led to questions as to whether a posh boy could really ever know what it is like to be in the head of a salt-ofthe-earth pub landlord. Murray says he doesn’t get pissed off when people call him posh. ‘I think that what some people don’t realise is that there are gradations of posh. I have cousins who went to Eton. I think [people who went to] Eton, ] TATLER.COM

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[Harrow, they’re properly posh. But my Dad worked for British Rail for 40 years, my mother worked for the Citizens Advice Bureau in Milton Keynes. We’re resolutely downwardly mobile. With showbusiness, you can be as posh as you like, but if you’re not delivering, then you won’t get on. So I don’t get annoyed, I’m just exasperated that it’s supposed to say anything about me at all. I went to private school because my grandfather left some money for a grandson. I do accept that I am from a privileged background. I was lucky I went to private school. I know all those things. But I don’t think they explain anything about me at all. There’s an interesting idea about art right now – “you’re not allowed to imagine” seems to be the argument. So I’m not allowed to imagine what people might think, or send up how other people might think. That’s an argument against art. That’s an argument against creativity.’ What Al Murray does with his comedy is to imagine what it is like to be a bigot. ‘The interesting thing about bigotry is that you have to imagine stuff about people. It’s a hallucinative state to imagine that groups of people act in a certain way. Because of course they don’t. A bigot imagines reasons why the world is like it is, rather than actually bothering to figure it out.’ Al Murray is most definitely not a bigot – he is learned and articulate, with wide-ranging interests. He did a degree in modern history, has made a television series about the Second World War and a documentary about Germany, and has given a TEDx talk about the political process, as well as publishing

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ABOVE, VANITY FAIR AUTHOR WILLIAM MAKEPEACE THACKERAY, MURRAY’S GREATGREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER. BELOW, AT LEFT, THE 3RD DUKE OF ATHOLL, ANOTHER FAMED MURRAY ANCESTOR

And yet, despite this knowledge, his house is full of military memorabilia – toy tanks, a pint-sized Viscount Montgomery of Alamein on a black charger. Most notably, there is ‘The Brown Suite’, otherwise known as the downstairs loo, replete with military gear. ‘I’m fascinated by it. I mean, every so often I think: “I’ve got to read about something else. For Christ’s sake!” I have a lot of [war] books. I’ve also got lots of books about other things. But it’s culturally magnetic. Certainly for my generation. Hopefully, it’s passing. Because we need to let go of its grip on our culture.’ Al Murray and his father created an enclave of war-film-watching masculinity in what was essentially a feminine home; in addition to his two sisters and his mother, there were lots of great-aunts. ‘My mother’s father died at Dunkirk, so his three sisters were very involved in her upbringing.’ One of them still had Thackeray’s sofa and various other items of Thackerayana. Murray has some first editions, an inkwell and a portrait, but he is not a man for ancestor worship. ‘It was a bit like the elephant in the room, all the Thackeray stuff on that side of the family. I have half a dozen Thackeray nuggets and then I run out.’ At home, Murray was an extrovert, putting on joke shows with his cousin John, but at school he was less confident, loathing boarding school – which he started aged nine – for the first few years. ‘I was a very self-conscious kid. At every assembly someone would have to hand in the register in front of 600 children. And I remember doing it once, but getting up at the wrong moment, feeling like everyone was looking at me. And the thing is, if you think about it, if you are aware that everyone is watching you, then you might as well treat it as a performance. So you take your self-consciousness and turn it around. You think, “All right, I’ll act this moment. I will decide how to walk up and how to walk back.” You can flip it over.’ As a boy, Al Murray wanted to act, partly as a result of an excellent drama teacher, partly because of his acute self-consciousness and his desire to challenge this. He acted at school, but once he started university (after a year out spent sweeping floors in factories in Milton Keynes and playing drums in a band), he decided that his ego couldn’t really take being rejected or directed by his peers. ‘I knew that going for an audition with a director who was basically my contemporary would be just too difficult to deal with as a performing ego.’

PHOTOGRAPHS: GETTY IMAGES, JOHAN ZOFFANY, MIKE LAWN, PAL HANSEN

British Drum Company co-founder Al Murray contemplates his paradiddles

a memoir, Watching War Films With My Dad. He is obsessed with the war, and interested in dissecting the way we have turned something horrific into something heroic to be celebrated by little boys and their dads. He recognises that his own fascination with war is connected to a nostalgia for his childhood, when it seemed like a far less complex subject. ‘I grew up in the pomp of Airfix models, Action Man figures, British war films on the telly – The Great Escape, A Bridge Too Far, The Eagle Has Landed... all that. My father was a TA soldier. He used to parachute, I remember going to see him when I was little. So I grew up with that British expression of post-war culture, which was to give us toy soldiers and toy Spitfires. The way the UK processed the war was obviously part and parcel of the imperial downsizing that we underwent at the same time.’


‘COMICS NEED TO BE MISCHIEVOUS. THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO WANT TO BREAK THINGS. IT’S NOT IN MY NATURE, BUT IT’S GOOD FOR ME’ Fortunately for the nascent theatre directors of Oxford, on Al Murray’s first day at St Edmund Hall he went to the music room to find a drum kit and instead found Stewart Lee and Richard Herring, both in the year above, and both involved in the student comedy scene, of which Armando Iannucci was the star at the time. Murray set up his own sketch group. ‘We had a sketch about Wilfred Owen, the war poet. There’s a war-poet battalion and he’s called in by his tutor and told his poems aren’t good enough. It was like, “What’s this shit?! You can do better than this.”’

O

ne of the things that appealed to Murray about stand-up comedy was that it challenged his inner conformist. ‘At school, I very much tried to behave, to conform, to get it right. It was my instinct. It was how I felt about things. So I didn’t have as much fun as I could have had. And I still have that – it’s a very strong urge in me, to behave. And I think that’s why I’ve ended up doing what I’m doing. When I figured out that that was part of my nature, I realised I had to do something about it. Articulating it makes it sound more pathological than it is. It’s not quite that – it’s just that thing of pushing yourself, being a comic and also doing an act that is open to misinterpretation, that has mischief built into it. Comics need to be mischievous. They are supposed to want to

break things. It’s not in my nature, but it is good for me. Because [that conforming side] is still at least half of my personality.’ The Pub Landlord came into being in 1994 at the Edinburgh Festival. Murray was doing a show with Harry Hill, and when they realised that they didn’t have a compère, ‘I said, “Why don’t we say the barman’s filling in?” and he said, “Yeah, all right, whatever.” We did a run in Edinburgh and then we went on tour, and by the end of the tour I had an act. Just like that.’ It is an act that has spawned DVDs, books and TV shows, as well as gruelling tours that take Murray all around the country for months. He seems a little beleaguered by his self-imposed schedule. His daughters, from his second marriage (there have been two divorces) are now 13 and 17. ‘I want them to be lawyers or accountants or something sensible where someone else pays their tax for them and they know that they’re going to work at nine o’clock on Monday morning. Because there are times when I wish work was normal. The problem with talking about this is that you end up sounding like you are complaining. I have an amazing job, it’s so much fun, and I’m doing what I want to do, but there is something crap about being away a lot.’ He is friends with other comics and chefs who have a similarly antisocial schedule, and Monday tends to be their party day. But Murray does enjoy the fruits

of two decades as a headline comedian. He loves to eat out at smart restaurants like J Sheekey. ‘Mark Sargeant is a pal of mine – I went to Claridge’s a lot when he ran the restaurant there because I could sit at the chef’s table and he’d bring me nice things.’ His other extravagance is his drum kit, a prototype made by a master drum-maker. So obsessed is he that he has set up a drum-manufacturing company, the British Drum Company. He is also connected with a number of charities, including Grief Encounter, which helps young people deal with the death of someone close to them. Supporting more than 3,000 people annually, they offer one-on-one counselling, residential camps and family fun days. Murray is an ambassador for the charity. ‘I have had no proper experience of grief, but I have children and I can imagine, and my kids have been through a divorce and that was hard enough.’ In the future, he would like to do some more acting, particularly Shakespeare – ‘It would be interesting not to have to come up with the words’ – and he is also considering developing another act: ‘Something as me, about history, maybe, or politics.’ Perhaps next time he could enter a by-election as himself, conquer his inner conformist, really shake things up... ( For more information about Civilisation is built Grief Encounter, visit upon a renunciation of instinct griefencounter.org.uk.

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GOLDEN GIRL MADDI WATERHOUSE CHANNELS SEVENTIES SKATER COOL FOR A NEW GENERATION

Photographed by JASON KIM Styled by SOPHIE GOODWIN

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MADDI WEARS KNITTED PEPLUM JUMPER, £625; SKIRT, £585, BOTH BY ALEXANDER MCQUEEN. TRAINERS, £52, BY TOPSHOP

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THIS PAGE, COTTON T-SHIRT, £510, BY GUCCI. DENIM JEANS, £227, BY MOTHER DENIM. SILVER, LEATHER & GOLD-STUDDED SKATEBOARD, POA, BY PHILIPP PLEIN. TRAINERS, AS BEFORE. OPPOSITE PAGE, SUNGLASSES, £241, BY GIORGIO ARMANI. T-SHIRT, AS ABOVE

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PHOTOGRAPHS: TKTKTKTKTK

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PHOTOGRAPHS: TKTKTKTKTK

COTTON JACKET, £1,930; COTTON TOP, £480; COTTON SHORTS, £760, ALL BY MISSONI. GOLD LOCKETS, FROM £850: GOLD CHAIN, £250: GOLD LETTERS (INSIDE LOCKET), £90: DIAMOND & GOLD LETTERS (INSIDE LOCKET), £280, ALL BY LOQUET LONDON. TRAINERS, AS BEFORE

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THIS PAGE, COTTON & SILK JACKET, £975, BY BALLY. DENIM SHORTS, £183, BY FRAME. CALFSKIN SANDALS, £395, BY BIONDA CASTANA. LEATHER SKATEBOARD, POA, BY PHILIPP PLEIN OPPOSITE PAGE, COTTON TOP, £295, BY RED VALENTINO. SUNGLASSES, £290, BY MIU MIU. LEATHER & BRASS BELT, £375, BY GUCCI

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THIS PAGE, COTTON HOODIE, £185, BY HILFIGER COLLECTION. COTTON BIKINI BOTTOM (PART OF SET), £298, BY LISA MARIE FERNANDEZ OPPOSITE PAGE, LUREX & WOOL JUMPER, £360; METALLIC LEATHER VEST, £870, BOTH BY MIU MIU. COTTON SHORTS, £760, BY MISSONI FOR STOCKISTS, SEE ADDRESS BOOK. HAIR BY CRISTIAN PIGNATTA AT ELSL MANAGEMENT, USING ORIBE. MAKE-UP BY NATALIE PIACUN AT UNTITLED LDN, USING TOM FORD BEAUTY. NAILS BY JENNY LONGWORTH AT CLM, USING DIOR CREME ABRICOT MANICURE COLLECTION & CAPTURE TOTALE NURTURING HAND REPAIR CREAM. FASHION ASSISTANT, LYDIE HARRISON

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SC THE HO T O L AT L S G ER U I STA DE T 20 E 17

THE MOST MARVELLOUS

We bring you the most academically exciting, world-beating schools the state sector has to offer. Plus beehives. By Alice Rose, Celia Thursfield and Teddy Wolstenholme PRIMARY SCHOOLS

T

a-dah! For the fourth time, we bring you our pick of the nation’s best state schools – and you’ll find another 78 schools in our archive on Tatler.com. And goodness, you don’t have to look very hard to see why: we’re blown away by the inspirational heads, sensational teachers and top-notch facilities we’ve found in the best state schools. As one head told us: ‘There’s something really dynamic going on in British state education at the moment – if you engage with that, it’s amazing what you can do.’

90 T A T L E R F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 7

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BOUSFIELD P R I M A RY S C H O O L

CA N O N B U RY P R I M A RY S C H O O L

London, SW5 (bousfieldprimaryschool.co.uk)

London, N1 (canonburyprimaryschool.co.uk)

PUPILS 440 boys and girls, aged 3 –11 You need to live on Bousfield’s doorstep to get in (or at least within 0.3 miles), but once you’re through the gate, Narnia-worthy spaces are suddenly revealed. Acres of playgrounds, courtyards, outdoor classrooms, a pond, beehives... did we mention the amphitheatre? Oh joy! Get in quick – the nursery starts at three. Pupils hail from a wide socio-economic mix yet all rub along cheeringly well. The school sits on the site of Beatrix Potter’s childhood home (rumour has it Mrs Tiggy-Winkle is buried under the mulberry tree) and friendly neighbour Sir Quentin Blake, below, regularly pops by – one of his murals adorns the playground, he illustrated the school’s mission statement and even dedicated a book to them. Impressive head Helen Swain is clearly loved by the pupils. All of the incredibly well-behaved children do dance – Bousfield is well known for its superlative arts (like many staff members, department head Joanne McGrath has been there for nearly 20 years). Pupils leap off to the likes of Latymer Upper and Francis Holland. ‘Its only fault is not having a secondary school,’ laments a mother.

PUPILS 472 boys and girls, aged 3 –11 What a difference six years make. In 2010, Canonbury was in special measures – today, it is, in the words of a mother, ‘a happy, stable school’ and Ofsted rates it good with outstanding features, praising the ‘very strong focus on teaching and pupils’ achievement’ and the ‘extremely enthusiastic’ students. There’s a nicely liberal ethos – children call teachers by their first names, and come from a range of social backgrounds. Classes are named after an eclectic mix of role models: Rowling, Mandela, Curie, Hughes (after Ted), Holmes (after Dame Kelly, not Sherlock). They cram in as much PE as possible, with after-school sports clubs from fencing to taekwondo, specialist teachers, subsidised swimming lessons, inter-house competitions and tournaments with other schools, plus a partnership with Arsenal FC. Art is fab (check out the wall displays), but music is the real high point: there are two choirs, a school orchestra, a recorder ensemble for the younger years and, for the past three years, subsidised brass instruments and lessons have been made available for Years 4 to 6. Leavers ‘always do really well’, we’re told, bagging places at the super-selective Dame Alice Owen’s and Latymer School; it’s also a feeder for comprehensive Highbury Grove. Boris sent his brood here – if it’s good enough for the Foreign Secretary...


STATE SCHOOLS IN BRITAIN freshly cooked by the in-house chef and the children run a healthy tuckshop at breaktime. Best of all, there’s a huge field, a Forest School and plenty of opportunities to go out in wellies and get muddy.

W E ST M E O N C O F E P R I M A RY S C H O O L Hampshire (westmeon. hants.sch.uk)

ST ST E P H E N ’S C O F E P R I M A RY S C H O O L London, W12 (ststephensce.lbhf.sch.uk)

PHOTOGRAPHS: GETTY IMAGES, SHUTTERSTOCK, ADVERTISING ARCHIVES

PUPILS 380 boys and girls, aged 4 –11 Someone give Michael Schumm a knighthood – he’s one of the most inspiring heads we’ve met. One of the jolliest too: a plaque above his desk (a present from a pupil) thanks him ‘for all the silly comments and funny gestures’. He’s seriously competitive when it comes to his students, though, and is forging links with independent schools left, right and centre. Former pupils have gone on to Eton and Harrow, as well as St Paul’s, Latymer, Notting Hill & Ealing et al. The academic results are excellent, but Mr S’s philosophy is that ‘all children are different, with lots of different skills’, so he wants to ‘throw as much sport, drama, music, art and D&T at the pupils as possible’ to give everyone a chance to shine. There’s a full-time sports teacher (they have fixtures with Wetherby and Pembridge Hall) and visiting teachers for Spanish, science and music. We were wowed by the smiling faces in every classroom, the impeccable handwriting on a Year 6 wall display and one of the smartest computer rooms we’ve seen, state or private. This is the best of the best.

BEEHIVE LANE CO M M U N I T Y P R I M A RY S C H O O L Essex (beehivelane.essex.sch.uk) PUPILS 199 boys and girls, aged 4 –11 Lovely name, lovely school – let’s all move to Chelmsford. It’s a 35-minute zippity-zip to Liverpool Street (when the trains are working), and there are masses of good primary schools. Beehive Lane isn’t a village school, but it has a village-school feel and an Outstanding Ofsted report to boot. Head Paul Sully is, we’re told, ‘brilliant – very sensible with parents, very supportive

of his staff’. The ethos here is the opposite of pushy and most pupils hop on to local high schools, with occasional places at the Chelmsford grammars. Mr Sully is a keen musician and demon piano player, so music is great: even the tinies in reception are taught to read music as they plonk away on the chime bars, musical notation is introduced higher up, a woodwind teacher comes in on Fridays and pupils sang as part of a 1,000-voice choir at the O2 last year. Lots of clubs – everything from fencing to cheerleading – and they’re hot on debating too. Lunch is

PUPILS 84 boys and girls, aged 4 –11 Head Julie Kelly has been at West Meon for six years and plans to stay until she retires – she drives the school minibus, runs the chess club, organises inter-school sports competitions, takes the children on night-time badger-watching expeditions in a local nature reserve... phew. West Meon is, says a mother, ‘like a free prep school’; ‘the school’s small size means that children get a tailormade education,’ says another. Some families use it as a stepping stone to local independents, but most children move on to one of the two excellent comprehensives nearby. The 2016 Key Stage 2 results were slam-dunk smashing, putting them in the top five per cent in the country for reading; 100 per cent of Year 1 pupils aced their phonics test. Working parents praise the wraparound care – they can drop the kids off at 7.30am for cereal and toast in the breakfast club and pick them up at 6pm. They do masses of music (three-quarters of juniors learn an instrument) and swim in the pool at Bedales. Good work earns a mention in Mrs Kelly’s ‘Boom Book’ – we think she deserves a page all to herself.

B O U R N P R I M A RY ACA D E M Y Cambridge (bournschool.co.uk) PUPILS 196 boys and girls, aged 4 –11 There’s a lot of new money in Cambridge these days, of course, with the fintech/biotech explosion – it’s a high-intellect gene pool. Our spy in the ivory tower reports that Newnham Croft is still very much the ‘go-to’ primary school for university types in central Cambridge, but we’re also hearing good things about Bourn Primary Academy, in a pretty village seven miles from the city centre. ‘Excellent head, Outstanding Ofsted report, everyone who goes there is evangelical about it and there is a great sense of excitement when families get their kids in,’ we’re told. Academic standards are high, and the school is known for coaxing a passion for learning from even the most reluctant child. Each class has a weekly current-affairs lesson, and selected Year 6 pupils – known as Maple Mediators – are given training in conflict resolution to help them sort out playground squabbles and promote kindness. ‘They are very into fitness,’ says a parent – PE and after-school sports clubs are run by Cambridge Football Club and the school even has its own heated outdoor swimming pool. The biggest fundraiser of the school calendar is a 10k/3k run for parents and pupils, called (guess what) Bourn to Run.

S A P P E RTO N C O F E P R I M A RY S C H O O L Gloucestershire (sappertonschool.org) PUPILS 70 boys and girls, aged 4 –11 ‘Sapperton is magical and wholly different,’ says a mother whose daughter was miserable at two previous primary schools. ‘My daughter begs me to be allowed WRJRWRWKHDIWHUVFKRROFOXEV]

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[and has rediscovered a love of reading since being there.’ Pupils come to this pretty Cotswolds village from as far afield as Cirencester and Stroud, and bounce on to the best local secondaries, both grammars and comprehensives. They’re in the top three in the county for archery, and are hot on tag rugby and cross-country too. Parents praise the small class sizes, the zero tolerance of bullying and the ‘fantastic’ teachers who run French and German clubs in their own time after school. Our spy was just off to eat bacon butties with the PTA before harvesting Sapperton’s allotment – need we say more?

L L A N G ROV E C E ACA D E M Y Herefordshire (llangrove.hmfa.org.uk) PUPILS 52 boys and girls, aged 4 –11 A teeny-tiny school with just over 50 pupils in three classes – but golly, it’s a good one. A mother emails: ‘When I looked around Llangrove, the children were coming in from break and one handed me a flower on her way past, which was pretty compelling.’ Llangrove is a largeish village (one pub, one school), 15 minutes north of Monmouth in a glorious valley. Deputy head Sarah Dean is, says a mother, ‘lovely and very down to earth’, and there are two ‘fantastic’ male teachers. There’s great focus on good manners (pupil behaviour was rated Outstanding by Ofsted), and strong links with the church and the local community. We’re impressed with the IT provision – lots of laptops, iPads and interactive whiteboards in each classroom. Pupils praise the after-school sports clubs, swimming lessons in Monmouth in the summer, theatre trips to Hereford and an annual whole-school expedition – one year they went to Barry Island, which must have been a whole lot of fun.

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RO E C L I F F E C O F E P R I M A RY S C H O O L North Yorkshire (roecliffe.n-yorks.sch.uk) PUPILS 92 boys and girls, aged 4 –11 Imagine a village primary school and chances are it will look like Roecliffe: a Victorian schoolhouse on a village green that doubles as an extended playground (there’s also a tarmac one), sports pitch and, once a year, the site of Roecliffe’s Big Camp. Head Kerry Dalton is extraordinarily committed: ‘Rarely do you come across such a force of nature who displays such determination for her school to excel,’ says an insider. Roecliffe holds a coveted gold award in the Primary Science Quality Mark scheme, and pupils rave about Miss Atkinson’s science lessons. IT is cutting edge, and there are chickens in the outdoor classroom. School trips are, says a mother, ‘exceptional’ – there’s a

biannual three-day trip to France for croissant-making and a snail-farm visit. We love the sound of the Bible Story in a Shoebox competition and of the Fiver Challenge, dreamed up by the local bank manager, in which each child is given £5 and a month to invest it – last year, one junior tycoon made £300 from mowing lawns. ‘A little school that packs a big punch,’ we hear.

DY K E P R I M A RY SCHOOL Inverness-shire (dyke.moray.sch.uk) PUPILS 90 boys and girls, aged 4 –11 About as far north as you can get without dunking your toes in the Moray Firth – Dyke Primary is, says a mother, ‘worth travelling for’. Head Stephen Simpson does a great job, and staff are ‘fabulous and very

SECONDARY SCHOOLS T H E C H A RT E R S C H O O L London, SE24 (charter.southwark.sch.uk) PUPILS 1,187 boys and girls, aged 11–18 Head Christian Hicks (an alum of Dulwich College, up the road) has high hopes for his pupils, who ‘flourish here regardless of their starting points or circumstances’, he says. Founded in 2000, the Charter School has filled the gap for a non-selective state secondary in an area teeming with independent offerings (JAGS and Alleyn’s are nearby). Since it opened its gates, the accolades have poured in – two Outstanding Ofsted reports, GCSE results in the top four per cent nationally (67 per cent A*–B at A-level last year) and four clever clogs skipping off to Oxbridge last year. Sport is important, and we hear the football and basketball teams are brill. Local Jo Brand pops in for quiz nights, and joined in with pupils and staff rowing an imaginary UK coastline for Children in Need. The school is oversubscribed (1,300 applications for 180 places for September 2017 entry), but don’t panic: Charter School East Dulwich opened last September and moves to spanking new premises on the site of Dulwich Hospital in 2018.

conscientious’. A small handful of pupils leave at 10 for preps like Belhaven Hill (a four-hour drive away) en route to Fettes or senior schools in the south; others move on to local academies in Forres and Nairn. We spoke to a mother whose son is flourishing at a top English boarding school – all credit, he says, to Dyke Primary teacher Mrs Tulloch, ‘who made learning fun’. The school goes out of its way to find opportunities for sporty types: pupils take part in the Gordonstoun Challenge, and there are week-long ski trips to Abernethy for the top three years. Parents are very involved in school life (‘Dyke Primary is driven by the community spirit – it’s like a big family,’ we’re told). And, of course, the annual Burns Night supper is a big deal, with pupils piping in the haggis.

H O L L A N D PA R K SCHOOL London, W8 (hollandparkschool.co.uk) PUPILS 1,359 boys and girls, aged 11–18 We make no apologies for including HP again: it is, quite simply, the gold standard for state education. It’s worth going to an open day just to check out the Notting Hillites angling for a place. Sadly for them, the catchment area is now down to 0.39 of a mile, so even if they only live – as head Colin Hall puts it – ‘across the road’ (Holland Park Avenue), their chances aren’t high. Who knew there could be such nuance in a W11 postcode? There were 2,000 applications for 240 places last year (candidates are graded into four bands; they take 25 per cent from each). If you’re out of catchment, try for one of the 24 ‘art aptitude’ places available each year. Colin Hall’s passion and attention to detail have transformed the school: last year’s A-level results were, to use his word, ‘stupendous’: 53 per cent A*–As, 77 per cent


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London, N9 (latymer.co.uk) PUPILS 1,368 boys and girls, aged 11–18 We take our hats off to Edward Latymer, a rich London lawyer who died in 1627, leaving money to found Latymer Upper in Hammersmith (now an independent) and the Latymer School in Edmonton, a state grammar. These days, the schools share only their name – and the fact that places at both are hotly contested. New head at the latter, Maureen Cobbett, is ‘a breath of fresh air – positive, upbeat, forward looking’. The staff are ‘excellent’ (there’s an outstanding media department, and they’re one of the few remaining state schools to offer Latin), as are the academic results – 85 per cent A*–B at A-level last year, with the vast majority going on to Russell Group universities and 15 to 20 Oxbridge places each year. But, says a father, ‘the school is far from an exam factory. Drama, music and sports facilities are all first rate.’ High praise for the pastoral care too – we’re told they’re particularly good at helping the new Year 7s settle in, with hill-walking and caving at the school’s field centre in Snowdonia to ease the bonding process. Selection is by assessment; pupils come from 34 postcode areas. For 2017 entry, 2,003 children sat the tests for 186 places. ‘Competition for places is tough,’ says Mrs Cobbett, ‘but it’s worth it.’

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A*–Bs – the sort of stats that make mid-tier independents weep with envy. Leavers bagged the usual handful of Oxbridge places (a former pupil has just graduated from Oxford with a first in geography). Music is soaring and D of E is ‘massive’, says Mr Hall. And we haven’t even mentioned the lovely, lightfilled building. ‘We feel very lucky that our children have been given this opportunity,’ says a parent.

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London, E15 (excellencelondon.ac.uk)

PUPILS 1,205 girls (77 boys in sixth form), aged 11–18 Kent is jam-packed with grammar schools and 15,000 tetchy 10-yearolds sat the anxiety-inducing ‘Kent Test’ last year. The spotlight on grammars is ever increasing in this corner of the country, fuelled by Nicky Morgan’s controversial approval, in 2015, of a new site for Weald of Kent Grammar School. The cracking news is that Kent’s state secondaries are catching up nicely and Hillview School for Girls is one of the best. ‘Strong results from bright kids,’ says our spy – these sparky girls are infused with confidence by the time they leave. Hillview is a specialist School for Performing Arts, and last year’s production of Cats, below, was a sellout over all three nights, and girls scored distinctions all round in their singing exams. The zinging new sixth-form facilities, designed by the girls, are super-stylish. A-level results are looking good – 75 per cent A*–C last year – and most pupils swish off to their first choice of university. Another success story is the Skinners’ Kent Academy in Tunbridge Wells: ‘A new school on a rapid rise with an outstanding head making a big difference,’ says an insider. One to watch.

PUPILS 428 girls and boys, aged 16 –18 At the ‘Eton of the East End’, it’s all about ‘raising aspirations’. Last year’s A-level results were a glittering 86 per cent A*–B; six students headed off to Oxbridge and another 123 to Russell Group universities. Pretty sensational, we say, for a school in one of London’s once most deprived boroughs. Their secret: the support of seven high-flying independent big-hitters, who share teachers (Eton has two English beaks on part-time secondment), facilities, old boys’ networks and all-important UCAS guidance. ‘It’s priceless,’ head John Weeks tells us from his technicoloured office – like his pupils, he is confident, focused and highly driven. An eagle-eyed tutoring system ensures no one lags behind, and, as a sign of their unrelenting ambition, the student council recently lobbied for the library to be kept open longer. Academic facilities are super; the labs are some of the shiniest we’ve seen; compulsory sport takes place at the Olympic Park (a hop down the road); and the Pathways outreach programme focuses on employability. Unsurprisingly, it’s wildly oversubscribed (and highly selective): around 2,500 battle for 230 places. Three cheers, then, for the second branch, in Tottenham, opening in September.

G O R D O N ’S S C H O O L Surrey (gordons.surrey.sch.uk) PUPILS 800 boys and girls, aged 11–18 Gordon’s is something of an anomaly: a state school that isn’t free – full-boarders pay around £16,000 a year, day pupils £7,000; 10 per cent of pupils receive some kind of bursary. But yes, it’s a state school – and non-selective too, which makes its excellent academic results (81 per cent A*–B at

Kent (hillview.kent.sch.uk)

A-level last year) all the more remarkable. Gordon’s was established by Queen Victoria in 1885 in honour of the eponymous general. It sits on 50 acres and has a distinctly public-school feel – ‘a bit like Christ’s Hospital,’ says our spy. Head Andrew Moss is handsome and personable – he is proud of his school’s air of ‘purposeful calm’. There’s a lovely chapel (the chaplain has been at the school for nearly 40

years), a fab food-tech classroom and impressively spacious science labs. Pupils praise the friendly community, the excellent sport, the dedicated teachers – and ‘Period Seven’, the hour before tea when extracurricular fun breaks out. CCF is compulsory in Year 10, and there’s a pipes and drums band – the General would have approved. There are five applicants for every day place and three per boarding ]

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[place – looked-after children and siblings of current pupils take priority, then places are awarded based on distance. Hang on, you say: a nonselective state school that feels like a private school, with superb results, great facilities and fees I can possibly afford. Why aren’t there more of these? You’re right – there should be.

H O LY P O RT CO L L E G E Berkshire (holyportcollege.org.uk) PUPILS 352 boys and girls, aged 11–16 (by 2018, at full capacity: 548 pupils, aged 11–19) ‘An amazing school with a wonderful story to tell,’ says one of its founding governors. This isn’t just a state school, this is an Eton-sponsored state school – and the country’s first boarding free school. Head Walter Boyle – a soft-spoken Ulsterman – is proud of Holyport’s ‘culture of extremely high expectations’, underpinned with good values and good manners. ‘Something very wholesome and happy is going on here,’ he says. From the word go, the partnership was designed to be ‘visible, meaningful and impactful’ – everyone rows at Dorney Lake, Eton boys help out with co-curricular activities and prep, and the schools combine for choir and orchestra concerts. Last year there were over 200 competitive sports fixtures and a stonking production of Grease – not bad at all for a school that’s only two years old. Unusually for a state school, there’s an entry point in Year 9 as well as Year 7. Day places are allocated according to distance (the furthest away was 0.73 miles last year); there’s (slightly) more leeway with boarding places. A visiting Eton fellow told Mr Boyle how nice it was to see the ‘Eton effect’ at Holyport, in the way pupils shook hands, looked him in the eye and spoke fluently. ‘Ah,’ replied Mr Boyle, ‘we call that the Holyport effect.’

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PERINS SCHOOL Hampshire (perins.net) PUPILS 1,065 boys and girls, aged 11–16 ‘The greatest school production I have ever seen’ raved a reviewer from Winchester Today after watching the school’s 120-strong performance of The Phantom of the Opera (a note from Lord LloydWebber did wonders for morale). Perins is a sports college first and foremost, with an abundance of sports clubs and a host of rugby, cricket and hockey stars who play at international level – trampolining and mountainbiking caught our eye. Newish head Steve Jones has settled in ‘amazingly easily’, says one mother, and has smartened up the uniform, renamed the houses and opened a snazzy school café. Pastoral care is fabulous – problems are ‘stamped on before I hear about them’, says a parent – and community spirit is strong. Perins is fed by seven primary schools in Alresford, with a handful of pupils whizzing in from outside the catchment area. ‘If you’re within a 12-mile radius you’re likely to get a place,’ says an insider. After GCSEs (86 per cent A*–C in English last year), pupils dash off to Hampshire’s best sixth-form colleges, Peter Symonds College being the best of the bunch.

D O ROT H Y ST R I N G E R S C H O O L Brighton (gateway.dorothy-stringer.co.uk) PUPILS 1,642 boys and girls, aged 11–16 Brighton is full of phenomenally good primary schools (our moles particularly recommend Westdene, along with St Andrew’s in Hove), but good secondaries

D R C H A L LO N E R’S G R A M M A R S C H O O L Buckinghamshire (challoners.com) PUPILS 1,292 boys (37 girls in the sixth form), aged 11–18 ‘The best school money can’t buy,’ one green-eyed mother weeps from just outside the six-mile catchment area. Dr Challoner’s is consistently one of the top-performing grammars in the country, with all the bells and whistles of an independent to boot. Long-serving head Dr Mark Fenton relocated to King Edward’s School in Birmingham last summer; ex-deputy David Atkinson is already making his mark as a ‘down-toearth, enthusiastic professional’. Top mention goes to the dazzling results (82 per cent A*–B at A-level last year, plus an average of 20 Oxbridge entrants a year), but it’s all the A-grade extracurriculars that got us going: over 50 clubs and societies, endless foreign jaunts (cricket in the Caribbean) and shedloads of sport, with regular fixtures against Eton and Haberdasher’s Aske’s. Healthy links with nearby Amersham School have always been a hit, though the big news this year was the first sixth-form intake of their very own girls, with many noting it seems as though they’ve been there forever. Says a mother: ‘Our children are just so proud to be here’.

are thinner on the ground. So scope out Dorothy Stringer. It’s not only the ‘coolest’ but also the ‘best in town’, says our spy by the sea. There’s a liberal vibe to the place, which serves the highly desirable Preston Park area; uniform is fairly relaxed. This was once a specialist sports college, so facilities – including a swimming pool and extensive playing fields – are top notch and shared with local schools and sports teams. And how’s this for a trump card: Stringer has its very own outdoor adventure activities centre in Snowdonia, where further energy is expended on gorge-walking and canoeing. They also get around globally, via partnerships with schools as far afield as Cameroon and Ghana. Closer to home, there’s the annual ski trip – one mother told us ‘they strike the perfect balance between work and fun’. Pupils

skip off to pastures new for sixth form (BHASVIC is a popular option), 73 per cent of them with at least five A*–C GCSEs in their pocket. Job done. Sussex insiders also speak highly of Warden Park in Cuckfield, Priory School in Lewes and Cardinal Newman Catholic School in Hove – ‘if you can get in’, that is.

SOUT H W ILTS GR A M M A R SC H OOL F O R G I R L S Wiltshire (swgs.wilts.sch.uk) PUPILS 1,002 girls, aged 11–18 ‘Girls are proud to wear their kilts at SWGS,’ beams one mother, and competition for this prized piece of uniform is punchy – 296 bright sparks sat the 11-plus last year for 150 places. ‘The catchment area is not concentric’, says the school, with some pupils


sixth-form centre, the art department is a ‘complete wow’ and there’s a popular astronomy club (the BBC used Ashlawn as a venue for its Stargazing LIVE programme in 2011). ‘Really impressive,’ says one of our spies. ‘Every single member of staff looked as though they took huge pride in being there.’

CO M B E RTO N V I L L AG E CO L L E G E Cambridgeshire (combertonvc.org) PUPILS 1,673 boys and girls, aged 11–18 You know about Hills Road, of course – the high-octane,

super-selective, enormously oversubscribed sixth-form college with better Oxbridge stats than pretty much every independent school in the country. But this year we’re shining our spotlight on a lesser-known Cambridgeshire secondary. This one is totally non-selective, rated Outstanding in every aspect by Ofsted and draws pupils from a largely rural catchment area covering about 36 square miles – they typically receive 290 first-choice applications for 240 places, but it’s not unknown for pupils to get in from outside the catchment area. Comberton’s results are

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travelling as far as 20 miles for the stunning teaching – 78 per cent A*–A at GCSE last year is proof of that. Head Michele Chilcott has been at the school since 2004, first as assistant head, then stepping up to the top job in 2011. She teaches geography to the fresh-faced Year 7s, so she gets to know them all. The girls are delightfully unfussy (no rolled-up skirts or thick make-up); the combined sixth form with the boys at Bishops Wordsworth’s is a big hit (and doubles the facilities). Last year’s A-level results were smashing – 77 per cent A*–B and a decent smattering of Oxbridge places. We hear great things about the school’s pastoral abilities, and the girls raise an average of £7,000 a year for charity. As one parent says, when a school is this good, ‘why pay?’

excellent: 64 per cent A*–B at A-level last year, with a third of pupils bouncing on to Russell Group universities. Head Peter Law is proud of the ‘calm and purposeful learning environment’ at the school, and of the ‘innovative and inspiring teaching’. A mother describes Mr Law as ‘impressive, very approachable, very present in the school – a steady pair of hands. The kids have a lot of respect for him.’ We hear praise for the pastoral care (the school ‘doesn’t feel too big’, we’re told) and for the specialneeds provision, which is ‘really impressive, a real strength’.

KINGSBRIDGE CO M M U N I T Y CO L L E G E Devon (kingsbridgecollege.org.uk)

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Warwickshire (ashlawn.org.uk) PUPILS 1,766 boys and girls, aged 11–18 Rugby is full of good senior schools – Rugby School, obviously, plus boys’ grammar Lawrence Sheriff and girls’ grammar Rugby High. But the school that really has us excited is Ashlawn, one of only six schools in the country that operate in fully selective areas and combine a selective, grammar-school stream with a non-selective, comprehensive intake. Ingenious, eh? And pupils who do well move into the grammar-school stream, so there’s a great incentive to work hard. There are 14 applications for each grammar-stream place; non-selective entry is based on distance from home to school, with priority given to siblings. It’s a big school, but no one gets lost, and communication with parents is great: ‘My daughter’s tutor phoned me at the start of term to introduce herself,’ says a mother. ‘You don’t get that in many independents.’ Facilities are fabulous: there’s a smart new

T H E CA ST L E S C H O O L Somerset (castleschool.co.uk) PUPILS 1,196 boys and girls, aged 11–16 Head Sarah Watson describes her students as ‘an absolute delight: talented, witty, appreciative – and they want to do well’. Observers note their courteous behaviour – standing up whenever visitors enter a room, opening doors, saying good morning. The ethos is, says one mother, ‘academically strong but not overly pushy’. Languages are strong, and music is, we’re told, ‘a big deal’. They’re a well-travelled bunch: pupils hopped off to China on a study trip (Mrs Watson has recently introduced Mandarin at GCSE), there are lots of language-exchange trips too, as well as an exchange trip with a school in Zambia. Musicians tour Europe and the thespians are hitting New York. Castle has a strong reputation regionally and nationally for its arts and sports. In the latter, ‘we tend to win everything at county level,’ says Mrs Watson. ‘We don’t have enough space for all our trophies.’ Last year’s leavers included a Paralympic wheelchair-racing hopeful and a women’s international footballer; a current student is a double national karate champion and has been selected for the England team. ‘We debated long and hard about secondary schools and were so pleased that we chose Castle,’ says a parent. ‘The education, care and opportunities provided at the school are excellent and far exceeded our expectations.’

PUPILS 1,389 boys and girls, aged 11–18 ‘People are queuing up to get their kids into Kingsbridge,’ says an observer. If there were an award for the peachiest of school settings, it would go to Kingsbridge Community College, just up the Kingsbridge Estuary from the holiday haven of Salcombe. Its pupils get a daily dose of good old sea air, and one has even been selected for the GB surfing squad. ‘A modest catchment area but rather good results,’ says an insider, and, yes, the results are rather good – record-breaking, in fact: 88 per cent of pupils achieved at least five A*–C grades in their GCSEs last year. Four clever clogs gained places at Oxbridge (the most yet), and a former pupil graduated from Oxford with a first in maths – what a role model. The school’s online magazine, Abridged, won a fistful of prizes at the school media awards, and the debating team is rather nifty. ‘The beachy lifestyle is reflected in the school and the pupils,’ says a mother. And what a lovely lifestyle it is. C O N T I N U E D O N P A G E 1 4 3

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HOME POPPY JOLLY WEARS SILK BLOUSE, £42, BY OLIVIER BABY & KIDS. COTTON-MIX TUTU, £135, BY MARIE-CHANTAL. HARRYO JOLLY WEARS COTTON-MIX DRESS, £155, BY MARIE-CHANTAL. SHOES, THEIR OWN. FOR STOCKISTS, SEE ADDRESS BOOK. HAIR & MAKE-UP BY LAURA HUNT, USING MAC & BUMBLE AND BUMBLE. STYLED BY PHILIPPA DURELL

Edited by GERRI GALLAGHER

Photographed by ANNA HUIX Fiona Jolly’s daughters Poppy, centre, and Harryo with Milly Molly Mandy, left

HOW TO BE JOLLY Move to your dream house in Wiltshire and always share your treats with your pets. Sophia Money-Coutts gets some important life lessons from furniture designer Fiona Jolly

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Hom e

LEFT, STAG DO: A SCULPTURE BY HEATHER JANSCH IN THE GARDEN. RIGHT, CUSHIONS, FABRIC SAMPLES & FURNITURE DESIGNS IN FIONA'S OFFICE

The piano in the drawing room

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FIONA WEARS SILK DRESS, £1,595, BY GIAMBATTISTA VALLI, AT HARVEY NICHOLS. SHOES, HER OWN. JAMIE'S CLOTHES, HIS OWN

LEFT, FIONA WITH HER HUSBAND JAMIE CURTIS & BLUE THE VIZSLA. RIGHT, THE FIREPLACE & A PAINTING OF ‘TATTERSALL’S HIGHFLYER’, ATTRIBUTED TO JOHN BEST, IN THE DRAWING ROOM


‘The previous owners invited me for a drink and I said, “I’m going to live here one day”’

RIGHT, IT'S A DOG’S LIFE: TWIG THE SPANIEL. LEFT, THE SOUTH SIDE OF THE HOUSE. BELOW LEFT, THE DRAWING ROOM

F

iona Jolly and I are sitting on a vast beige sofa (forget a two-seater – we’re talking a nine- or 10-seater) in her drawing room while discussing fate. Fiona, 46, isn’t a fan of fate. She is a fan of making things happen. Take this house, for example. She decided she would live in it a decade before she bought it. ‘I was renting a cottage in the village and the previous owners invited me for a drink,’ she says. ‘So I walked in and said, “I’m going to live here one day.’’’ ‘You said that out loud? In front of them?’ I ask. ‘Yes,’ she says. ‘I just knew it. And my friend said, “Fiona, that’s incredibly rude.” But the owner just laughed and said, “You cheeky thing.’’’ Ten years later, the previous owners called Fiona and asked if she was interested in buying it. She was. So Fiona and her charming husband, Jamie Curtis, a screenwriter (who has a brother called Richard, also a screenwriter), decided to leave Notting Hill and move to this honey-coloured house in Wiltshire, six miles north of Salisbury.

Fiona – chatty, warm, immaculate nude nail varnish – decided other things in her life would happen too. When she was 12, she resolved that she would be a make-up artist. So she left Harrogate Ladies’ College – ‘awful’ – and moved from Lincolnshire to London aged 17. She started working on shoots, eventually doing the make-up for famous faces like Kylie Minogue and Goldie Hawn. Then she decided that she wanted to meet a tall and funny man who worked from home (so they could live in the country), and she was set up with Jamie by a friend. They married in 2007, she gave up make-up and they moved into their eight-bedroom house in 2009. Built a century ago and originally a shooting lodge, it used to be owned by Lady Tryon, better known as ‘Kanga’ and for being a close friend of the Prince of Wales, who would visit by helicopter and land on the village cricket pitch. Fiona and Jamie live here with their six-year-old twins, Poppy and Harryo, as well as two horses, two ponies, a spaniel called Twig, a Vizsla called Blue and a cat called Bebe that was rescued by Fiona from a crack den in London. ‘And we have some goldfish,’ she says. ‘They live in the water trough and keep it clean.’ ‘Don’t the horses drink them?’ ‘If they do, it’s just sushi,’ she shrugs. Fiona’s latest decision was to start making furniture. Beautiful heirloom hardwood furniture, designed for children aged between one and 10. ] TATLER.COM

TAT L E R F E B RUARY 2017


Hom e [ For the girls’ first birthday she wanted ‘a table that they could sit and hold a party at’, she explains. ‘And I wanted something long and chic, made of wood, and not with Finding Nemo all over it. But I looked everywhere on the internet and it was all disgusting. So I designed one and made it with a carpenter from round here.’ She also designed long, low benches to run alongside it. Then she made a smaller wooden table for her kitchen – a square one, so she could squat down with her daughters and help with their colouring-in. After that came a wooden step that doubles as a stool so that small people can reach the loo – ‘instead of that ply stuff that buckles and warps. And before I knew it, I had a furniture range.’ Fiona recently launched her range online for similarly despairing parents. Built from mahogany and painted gentle shades of blue and grey, it’s very much designed to be passed down. ‘They’re brilliant. I sent one to Ibiza this summer. You can get 30 children around the seven-footer.’ Plus, there’s actual science behind it. ‘There’s hardly any furniture that allows children to have their feet on the ground,’ says Fiona, ‘and I was chatting to a paediatrician about how important it is for children’s development to have their feet on the ground to do their homework, to eat, to feel independent.’ It’s all designed and made in the 15-acre grounds of the house, in a separate outbuilding that Jamie originally earmarked for his gym but has since been commandeered by his wife. Upstairs is Fiona’s office, where she designs the furniture, plus a line of immensely cheerful cushions made from bright, whimsical prints by the Parisian designer Nathalie Lété (think psychedelic kittens and Jack Russell puppies), and dachshund and panda prints by Petra Boase; downstairs is the workshop where Fiona and a local retiree often paint tables until 1am while listening to Radio 4. The house, meanwhile, is testament to Fiona’s eye for colour: dusky-pink curtains line a corridor upstairs; pink and mint-green pom-poms hang from the girls’ bedroom ceiling; the dining-room walls are covered with toffee-coloured damask; and the playroom is wallpapered with Colefax and Fowler’s Alice in Wonderland characters. Outside, there’s a deep-red horsebox parked next to the stables. It’s emblazoned with ‘Reasons to be Jolly’ – the company name, a play on Fiona’s name that also underlines her positive business ethos. Because in a world where people can be doom-mongery, Fiona is refreshingly the opposite. ‘Think positive and you will be positive and try to find the best in every situation,’ she says. ‘My next stage is, I would like more land, with bigger buildings. I love it very much here, but I’d never say never to moving. Everything’s changeable. I love that about life.’ (

A table and benches designed by Fiona, with Flash, left, and Milly Molly Mandy in the background

The Prince of Wales would visit by helicopter and land on the village cricket pitch

RIGHT, JOLLY GOOD: CUSHIONS FROM FIONA’S LABEL IN THE GIRLS’ BEDROOM. LEFT, THE GARDENS

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FIONA WEARS SILK SHIRT, £295, BY EQUIPMENT. JEANS, £250, BY FRAME. NECKLACE, HER OWN. POPPY & HARRYO'S CLOTHES, THEIR OWN

LEFT, FIONA WORKS ON CUSHIONS IN HER OFFICE. RIGHT, A PIGEON COOP IN THE GARDEN

RIGHT, DOUBLE TROUBLE: POPPY & HARRYO IN THEIR BEDROOM. LEFT, FRENCH WINDOWS LEADING TO THE SITTING ROOM

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B E AUT Y Edited by FR ANCESCA WHITE

Gladys, can you hear me? Just stay calm!

PHOTOGRAPH: WILLIAM KASS

THE BIG FREEZE

February can be the coldest month, so why not go the whole hog and plunge your nearly naked self into a minus 90˚C cryotherapy chamber? No, we are not drunk. Freezing therapy could make your energy skyrocket, stop that niggling pain in your back and burn 800 calories in a single session (that’s a whole eggs Benedict). All you have to do is strip down to your pants, put on some gloves and North Face slippers (sleeping bags for your feet) and stand there. For three minutes. The longest three minutes of your life. But there’s music, and a therapist standing on the other side of the glass, waving her arms around to distract you (which doesn’t really help, but it’s nice to have some company). Time up and you’ll be out of there like a shot, snowflakes clinging to your lashes, but feeling... brilliant. Heart-thumping, blood-pumping, fan-f**king-tastic. Here’s why: extreme cold causes your blood vessels to

constrict to maintain proper body temperature – but once you warm up, they quickly dilate and blood rushes to the skin’s surface. Cue a rapid rise in your metabolism, the release of anti-inflammatory proteins (good for stiff joints and muscles) and a whacking rush of endorphins that’ll make you feel like you’ve just skied down the steepest black run on the mountain. (There’s also a version for your face, where air is blasted at a somewhat warmer minus 30˚C on your nose, neck and cheeks for 20 minutes, which is exhilarating and painful in equal measure, BUT leaves your skin looking rather perky.) One session and you’ll feel the effects for the rest of the day; book a course and you’ll become the cheeriest, glowiest, most energetic person you know. It’s called 111CRYO, it’s at Harvey Nichols and we guarantee you’ve never experienced anything like it. Whole-body treatment, £95; facial, £75 (111cryo.com). FW

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CAN YOU FEEL MY CRYSTALS?

Superman thought that crystals were powerful agents of change – he also wore his pants on the outside, which is about as sensible as believing that a chunk of quartz will stop you crying so much about that guy who didn’t respond to your text suggesting brunch. Or is it... By Clare Bennett

Y

our son’s entrance exam is approaching and he’s been fooling about with Pokémon Go when he should be practising how to multiply fractions. Perhaps it’s not a tutor and a severe talking-to he needs to help him focus, it’s a chunk of Tiger’s Eye. And what about your skiing holiday this year? Should it be Verbier or Gstaad? Don’t row with your husband about it – what does he know anyway? Let clarifying green tourmaline help you decide. Even your dog might benefit from some calming selenite under his bed if he keeps yowling in the night – it’s better than getting up 12 times to tell him to pipe down... The idea that crystals contain energy with healing properties might sound bonkers to some (like the marquess who told me no one in his family would ever have a massage,

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because that kind of thing ‘sounded dreadful and completely silly’). But Sloanes are varied and complex creatures who tend to love things that are a bit bonkers. Which is perhaps why an interest in crystals is on the rise among the rich and curious. Dale Rogers Ammonite on Pimlico Road sells crystals (some of which can cost £155,000) to oligarchs, sheikhs and other rich expats. Wilde Ones on the King’s Road does a brisk trade selling crystals (and incense and patchouli to Sloane teens and former Sloane hippies), with prices reaching £10,000 for particularly impressive specimens. And since 2009, Venusrox, in Notting Hill, which describes itself as ‘London’s premier crystal showroom’, has welcomed customers who travel to it from all over the world, as well as interior designers, architects and the rich homeowners they’re working for. A smart white space, it’s almost like a crystal art gallery,

with huge, roughly cut rocks you can touch and glass display cases of jewellery and smaller polished stones. ‘Energy has no boundaries, so if you’re connected with this guy,’ Victoria Forster, the shop’s co-proprietor, explains as she pats a vast chunk of jagged amethyst, ‘and want it in your house, it will protect you, even if you’re going to Australia for a month.’ They sell huge, extraordinary hunks of crystal around the £32,000 mark on a regular basis. Victoria Beckham keeps black tourmaline (positivity and confidence) and rose quartz (unconditional love and compassion) backstage during her shows. Cozmo Jenks and Daisy Lowe leave their crystals outside in the garden whenever it’s full moon for ‘cleansing and charging’. Cherie Blair once reportedly owned a ‘BioElectric Shield’ made of quartz crystal (which can cost up to around £6,000) and said to protect against negative energy from electronic equipment, as well as


PHOTOGRAPH: BROS/DC COMICS/REX/SHUTTERSTOCK

Be au t y people with bad vibes (useful on that long weekend with Silvio Berlusconi). We used to have a gardener who was mad about crystals. My mother would ask him what he’d like to drink, and he’d get a crystal pendulum out of his pocket and not answer until it had swung about a bit and told him. Admittedly, this all coincided with when he started to smoke some hallucinogenic plants. He would tell us about when we’d all lived together on the lost continent of Atlantis and that I’d beheaded my Latin teacher in a past life and needed to atone, when really he should have been focusing on the out-ofcontrol clematis. Which is probably what my mother said when she fired him. Crystals have been around for a long time – as long as the world itself. Naturally formed beneath the earth from cooled molten rock, they range in age from thousands to millions of years old. Their colour is the result of different chemicals being present in their formation – iron can produce a yellow or purple crystal, like citrine or amethyst. Lead can give a red colour, magnesium makes pink and chromium green. Larger crystals tend to come from deeper within the earth, where it’s hotter, whereas smaller crystals are usually found nearer the earth’s surface. They’re different from gemstones because of their *puts on a lab coat* repeated crystalline molecular structure. Gemstones are mineral crystals – a diamond, for example, is made purely of carbon and is the strongest natural mineral of them all. Some believe these also have healing properties (overcoming fear, improving relationships and, if they’re big enough, increasing women’s libido). Rubies are said to energise and motivate, emeralds to help deepen spiritual awareness. Perhaps there’s more going on in your jewellery box than you realised... Humans have been finding crystals mesmerising for as long as they’ve known about them. The ancient Sumerians used them in their ‘magic’ formulas in 4,000 bc, the Chinese in their medicines around 3,000 bc. The ancient Egyptians wore lapis lazuli, carnelians and turquoise in jewellery for protection, as well as prettiness, and to encourage good health. They also ground them up for cosmetics (apparently galena and malachite make a mean eyeshadow – just ask Cleopatra). As for the Brits, amber beads discovered in the UK date back a whopping 10,000 years, to the end of the last Ice Age. Today they remain popular as necklaces and bracelets on glamorous teething babies – the theory is that apart from amber’s supposed soothing energy, the heat from a baby’s body releases the succinic acid found in it, which is then absorbed through the skin and works as

an analgesic. The evidence to support this is a bit vague – but there are a LOT of mothers who will tell you they have worked miracles on sore gums. Even animals get a look-in – agate is meant to help communication between owner and pet. Blue calcite will help them settle into a new home. Sodalite calms nervous travellers. Worth trying if your dog becomes hysterical on the way to the vet? There is no problem that crystals cannot address, apparently. Lapis lazuli is said to bring awareness and intuition; aventurine to attract success and protect the heart. Malachite releases negative experiences and smoky quartz is good for pain, emotional support and releasing anger. No one knows who decided which stone did what, but a lot of the names come courtesy of the ancient Greeks, who used crystals in everyday life. Amethyst means ‘not drunken’ and was worn as an amulet to help relieve hangovers. Hematite means ‘blood’ and contains iron, which they associated with Ares, their god of war, and rubbed over their bodies before battle to keep them safe. In fact, the word ‘crystal’ itself comes from the Greek word for ice, as they believed clear quartz was water so profoundly frozen that it would always remain solid. Crystals are mentioned in the Bible, the Koran and Hindu mythology, and in folklore all over the world, from Native Americans to Maoris. But towards the Age of Enlightenment, people grew dubious about their supposed healing properties. This was due to a combination of things like Rudolf II of Germany’s court physician freaking everyone out by declaring that crystals contained good and bad angels, with the latter tricking people into thinking it was the stone and not God’s gift bestowed upon it that was doing the healing. And, later in the 17th century, a fellow called Thomas Nicols wrote a book saying there was no evidence that these inanimate objects had any special powers and we should all calm down. It wasn’t until the early 19th century that crystals started to become popular again. And their use in healing and cosmetic procedures with a bit of added wizardry is everywhere today. Yvonne Ferrell, a healer who has been working with crystals for over 20 years, believes they are high-frequency tools and finds them particularly useful when diagnosing children: ‘Whatever [crystal] they pick, I know what’s wrong with them. Like agate – that means the child is looking for peace. The crystal tells you what the body is lacking.’

This is all very cheering, but is there any significant evidence that crystals are able to transmit energy of any kind to the human body? Christopher French, a professor of psychology at Goldsmiths university, would say there isn’t. He conducted a study where people were given a mixture of crystals, half of which were secretly fake, plus information on what they might expect to feel. Professor French found that the participants who already believed in the power of crystals were twice as likely to experience sensations like tingling, warmer hands or feeling relaxed. He concluded that only a placebo effect could explain people describing the same sensations with real and fake crystals: ‘The power of suggestion, either explicit or implicit, seems to be the not-so-mysterious power that may convince many that crystals have the potential to work miracles. The data presented is consistent with the idea that believers in the paranormal are more susceptible to this power.’ Crystal lovers and users don’t seem remotely bothered by this. In fact, Ziggie Bergman, who performs ‘Zone Face Lift’ facials, where she uses clear quartz to help with things like lymphatic drainage and to ‘absorb negative emotion’, is one of many to have noticed a surge in their popularity over the past year. ‘I can only judge by how clients react and if they say they felt something lovely. The anecdotal evidence speaks for itself.’ Jayne Wallace of the Psychic Sisters, at Selfridges, who uses crystals in her readings, agrees. ‘There are sceptical people out there in life, but it just comes down to what you feel,’ says Jayne, who has experienced a growing interest in her work, particularly amongst men, with clients now including businessmen and billionaires. Maybe lots of us are just extremely superstitious and always have been. Maybe crystals are a triumph of belief over rational thought. Maybe having beautiful sparkling hunks of natural mineral in your house is fair enough, regardless of what you may or may not believe. But if, in the end, you feel it keeps you healthier, safer, calmer (and possibly a bit nicer), well, that’s a bonus. As I write this, I’ve got a piece of rose quartz in my bra that Jayne gave me, and in some small way, it feels like something good is keeping an eye on me. As Jacques Arpels of Van Cleef & Arpels once said (possibly while holding a diamond to help manifest abundance): ‘Pour avoir de la chance, il faut croire à la chance’ – ‘To be lucky, you must believe in luck.’ (

Even animals get a look-in – agate is meant to help communication between owner and pet

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LOOK and FEEL

BETTER... Now! Consultant Surgeons and Doctors discuss the personal benefits of in-home cell nutritional therapy and why everyone needs it

I

T WAS THREE YEARS AGO THAT DR ALEX Alonso first learned about Celergen. “My patient told me he had begun a therapy that significantly increased his overall vitality and energy level,” says Dr Alonso, “and he was so convincing and enthusiastic about Celergen that I decided I needed to investigate it for myself.” Dr Alonso has long been an advocate of preventative medicine. His disenchantment with “volume-driven medicine” – “take this pill and we’ll see you in a couple of weeks” – led him to use cutting-edge techniques to improve the overall well-being of his patients. One of his most successful treatments is cellular therapy, which has proven to significantly improve longevity and the quality of life. After researching Celergen, he found cellular therapy’s potential very intriguing. Celergen is a Swiss-formulated treatment that stimulates the body’s natural healing powers by repairing and rejuvenating individual cells. Shortly after Dr Alonso learned about Celergen, another one of his patients, a professional athlete, came to his office complaining of severe knee pain. After conducting an MRI that identified significant cartilage loss, Dr Alonso recommended that the patient try

Celergen for ninety days. “Three months later, a subsequent MRI found bona fide cartilage growth in the afflicted area. Where the cartilage had once been thinning, there was now a substantial increase in volume. It was remarkable,” says Dr Alonso. “It proved to me that Celergen can play a huge role in a smart approach to health care. It produces verifiable results.” Celergen Provides the Tools Our Bodies Need to Heal Themselves Researched and developed by Swiss, French, and German scientists, Celergen was launched into the European market in 2009 with tremendous success. Celergen’s effectiveness stems from innovative advancements in the cell therapy field. Essential proteins are extracted from pollution-free, deep-ocean marine life through Swiss Cold-Process DNA Extraction Technology, which allows bioactive marine DNA and peptides to repair weak and damaged cells. The body utilizes these micronutrients in the areas of greatest need, whether in the joints, blood, brain, or skin. Mr Massimiliano Marcellino, a Specialist in Plastic

WHAT IS CELERGEN? Celergen is a potent transformative treatment that stimulates the human body’s natural healing powers by triggering the repair and rejuvenation of individual cells. One of its key ingredients is a proprietary Cellular Marine Complex, which is extracted from the DNA of deep-sea, pollutionfree marine life and is associated with powerful anti-aging properties. Other ingredients include Peptide E Collagen, which reinforces skin elasticity, and Hydro MN Peptide, which plays a critical role in the rejuvenation of cartilage. Unlike other cell therapies which involve injections, Celergen comes in a soft gel form that is taken orally.

BENEFITS INCLUDE: • Improved energy levels and stamina • Reduction of wrinkles, scars and age spots • Reduced joint pain • Improved sleep • Reduced pain from osteoarthritis and rheumatoid arthritis • Faster recuperation after exercise • Improved wound healing, skin resilience, tone, texture and overall complexion • Improved blood-sugar control • Enhanced alertness of mind and focus • Increased sexual performance and satisfaction • Improved blood circulation • Strengthened immune system


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All healing begins at the CELLULAR LEVEL Surgery located on Harley Street in London, conducted research on Celergen’s ability to stimulate the production of fibroblasts and increase collagen development to thicken the dermis, a key factor in keeping skin young-looking. Along with numerous other studies and the personal recommendations from colleagues across the world, Mr Marcellino and his family began taking Celergen. Shortly after he began experiencing the multiple benefits, he started offering it to his patients at his London based clinic. “The response and outcomes have been very good; beginning a few months after taking it and then gradually stabilizing and increasing.” says Mr Marcellino. “I’ve seen definitive improvement in the overall health of my patients and some are sleeping better than they have in years. Others have commented on how they are able to focus much better throughout the day and there are significant improvements in their immune systems, not to mention all of the outstanding skin benefits.”

“Since I am a radiologist I have been able to conduct scans of patients to whom I have recommended Celergen and see physical proof of the results and benefits...” -Dr Alex Alonso

Consider the recent experience of Dr Sharon Norling. One of her patients, a 35-year-old man, had suffered from depression and other mood disorders for years, to the point that he had become largely bedridden and seldom left his home. Dr Norling suggested he try Celergen and the results were dramatic. “For the first time in his life, he is no longer under the burden of depression day in and day out,” says Dr Norling. “He has started exercising and has an enthusiasm that he never knew before. It used to be difficult to engage him in conversation. Now when he comes to my clinic, he chats up everyone in the waiting room. It has been a stunning turnaround.” Since then, Dr Norling has begun to recommend Celergen to 95 percent of her patients who suffer from mood disorders. “I don’t believe in prescribing mood-altering drugs. So when a natural therapy like Celergen comes along, it’s a huge gift. There are no side effects, and it can help people live their best possible lives.” Dr Norling only began to recommend Celergen after considerable research on her part. “For me to recommend a treatment it must have two things

going for it – a solid scientific basis with clinical trials and verifiable results. It was clear to me from independent research that Celergen was not just one of those fads that comes along from time to time,” she says. As for the results, Dr Norling can speak firsthand to Celergen’s effectiveness. She began taking the soft gel capsules in early 2016. “I’m hard to impress when it comes to these sort of things. I go in as a skeptic. I’m a clinical thinker and demand a high level of proof. Besides that, I’m healthy and in good shape and I didn’t think I would see dramatic results,” she says. “Boy, was I wrong.” It began after just a couple of weeks, when she started enjoying a deeper night’s sleep on a regular basis – “really getting into those healthy alpha states.” Then patients and friends began complimenting her on her appearance. “They would tell me that my skin looked good and asked me what I’d had done. Or they would ask if I had gotten a new haircut or hair coloring when I had done nothing at all except take Celergen,” she says. “Whatever was going on was obvious to other people and, I must say, it was quite validating.” The Next Big Thing for Those Seeking Optimal Health and Beautiful Skin Like Mr Marcellino and Dr Norling, Dr Alonso also took Celergen before recommending it to his patients and urged his wife to do so too. “Both of us are 45 and in good physical condition, so I was skeptical as to whether we would see much in the way of results. But something good happened – that’s the only way I can describe it,” says Dr Alonso. “In addition to improving the vitality of our skin and hair, there was an overall improvement in our sense of well-being. It was hard to put our fingers on it, but something was definitely going on.” While Celergen often manifests itself in subtle ways, there is little doubt among doctors and specialists that it can produce profound and verifiable results. That’s one of the attributes that Dr Alonso finds most promising. “Since I am a radiologist I have been able to conduct scans of patients to whom I have recommended Celergen and see physical proof of the results and benefits,” he says. “An MRI can evaluate down to the cellular level and the cellular benefits from Celergen are measurable.” In his experience with Celergen, Dr Alonso has seen it work on a variety of chronic ailments. He says he has seen meniscus tears that have not only healed, but resulted in new cartilage growth and a reversal of the degenerative process typically associated with aging. In other patients with high blood pressure, Dr Alonso has seen instances where they have been able to stop their medications after a few months on Celergen. “Celergen works according to the specific needs of a patient. It’s a smart treatment. It goes to work exactly where it’s needed,” says Dr Alonso. “Celergen seems to instinctively know where you have the most inflammation or degeneration in your body – whether it’s in joint pain or cardiac output or a skin condition – and it heads there. Your body has more foot soldiers to help with the healing process. It’s like bringing in the cavalry.”

celergen.co.uk – Tel: 020 3750 2540 or 0800 368 7610 – info@celergen.co.uk Now Available – Swiss BIO DNA Cellular Regenerative Skin Serum

“Since I started taking Celergen my skin has never looked better. The dark circles and volume loss are dramatically improved. I’ve also noticed significant improvement in my energy level and ability to concentrate. I no longer suffer from my former headaches or allergy symptoms.” DR KARLA STEPHEN

“I have been taking Celergen for a year. I love it. Within the first two weeks of starting Celergen, I was amazed at the difference in my skin. It looked so much more youthful that my friends and family were asking what I had done. I have always had difficulty waking up in the morning, but I now easily and energetically get up as soon as my alarm goes off. My energy throughout the day was boosted so much that I no longer need caffeine to sustain my energy during the day and I no longer have jet lag.” DR RENE’ DELL’ACQUA


Be au t y THE STYLIST

SEASONAL FIXERS Therapists who’ll make sure you’re at your best – winter, spring, summer and fall...

THE ACUPUNCTURIST Who Ross Barr The lowdown Ross is a skilled acupuncturist, as well as being divertingly handsome. He specialises in ‘five element’ acupuncture, which identifies you by one of five elements – wood, fire, earth, metal, water – and then needles related points (quickly, but you will feel the twinge) to bring you back in sync. It’s useful when it’s done seasonally (each element corresponds to one of five seasons in Chinese medicine) in what he calls a ‘seasonal attunement’. This, he says, helps us to be strong enough to face each season’s rigours and balanced enough to enjoy the ‘climate, light and beauty’ on an emotional level. And, like we said, he is very good-looking. Our verdict You’ll feel better – emotionally and physically. Trust us. Details Initial consultation, £70. At Wimpole Therapeutics, 2 Wimpole Street, W1 (rossbarr.com; 07836 205076).

THE COLOURIST Who Debbie Bhowmik The lowdown Debbie is responsible for some of our greatest blondes – Rosamund Pike, Elizabeth Debicki, Tom Hiddleston... They love her not just because she is excellent, but also because she is vigilant. So she will spot that your hair has gone green from the pool before you do (and rectify it with a cleansing treatment), or that it’s faded from the sun (cue some subtle highlights to bring back the shine). She also tweaks colour to suit the seasons: pale skin needs a warmer ‘winter blonde’, and redheads and brunettes require richer shades, and not just to match the autumn leaves. Our verdict Bhowmik’s edicts: SPF in the sun and sleeping on a silk pillow do improve hair quality. If it’s good enough for Hiddleston... Details Half-head highlights, from £230. At Nicky Clarke, 11 Carlos Place, W1 (nickyclarke.com; 020 7491 4700).

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THE PERSONAL TR AINER Who Louise Parker The lowdown PICK Following Louise’s ME! fad-free method, you’ll think, eat and exercise in a way that keeps you growing steadily leaner – but you’ll also switch things up now and then. Not just so you don’t die of boredom, but because change is the enemy of fat. So you’ll boost your workouts from 20 minutes to 40 minutes after a boozy holiday, you’ll walk as much as you can in the summer and you’ll take up an intensive group class in January. Writing CHANGE in your diary every six weeks is a good place to start. As is her new book. Our verdict Full of ideas to get you moving – even if you’re flat out and can only manage a few squats while running the bath. Details Programmes, from £2,000. At 81–83 Walton Street, SW3 (louiseparker.uk. com; 0800 0842828).

THE FACIALIST Who Joanne Evans The lowdown Joanne has been sorting out dryness, spots and pigmentation for 25 years – so if your skin is in meltdown, she’s your woman. Her approach in the autumn might seem hardcore – extractions to unclog pores and intense pulsed light to do away with post-sun speckles – but there’s lots of hyaluronic acid and vitamin C when winter sets in, as well as ultrasound and LED lights. Puffy faces will take well to her whizzy suction tool: it gets circulation going and helps with bloating, so it’s excellent when you’ve drunk too much wine. Our verdict Joanne’s utterly no-nonsense approach makes even the most hard-done-by skin look brand new. Details £150 for 60 minutes. At Bodyism, 224 Westbourne Grove, W11 (skin-matters.co.uk; 07710 381438).

PHOTOGRAPH: FOX PHOTOS/GETTY IMAGES

Treatments

Who John Vial The lowdown John Vial is one of a kind: infectiously fun, technically brilliant, never not pleased to see you. But he’s also cut hair for Bryan Adams, the late Dame Zaha Hadid and Helena Christensen – so when he tells you it’s time for a change, chances are he’s right. Appointments are from his elegant little salon in Sloane Square, and he’ll scrutinise hair at length (even if you’ve been seeing him for years) before deciding what to do. In winter, that probably means a general chop of all the dead wood, making hair blunter and stronger; in the summer, he may add layers to soften it, leaving it looking dreamy and carefree. Our verdict John is fabulous company, as is the whole team. Everything feels right when you leave: you, your hair, the world. Details Cut, from £350. At Salon Sloane, 2 Holbein Place, SW1 (salonsloane.com; 020 7259 0068).


Beauty f lash BEAT THE BIG CHILL Don’t shiver... Shimmer! By Francesca White CHANEL Blue Serum, £81 They say ‘Inspired by the “Blue Zones”, where people live better and longer lives.’ We say Could the Chanel boffins really have cracked the secret of eternal youth? True, you’ll have to wait to see if this serum does extend life expectancy, but skin will look sprightly in the meantime.

ZELENS Power D Treatment Drops, £110 They say ‘Helps to restore the skin’s natural barrier.’ We say Your skin is CRYING out for sun right now, so basically you have two options: (a) The Bahamas. Or (b) this vitamin D-rich oil, which perks miserable skin right up. Your choice.

THIS WORKS Stress Check Face Oil, £40 They say ‘Clinically proven to provide immediate redness relief.’ We say Weather-battered skin will thank you. Apply it first thing – even before you’ve put the kettle on. The lavendery whiff is reassuring and fortifying.

JO MALONE Geranium & Walnut Hand Cream, £22 They say ‘Absorbs quickly, leaving hands moisturised, never greasy.’ We say Sounds obvious – but it’s surprising how often you have to wipe your palms because the damn stuff STILL hasn’t sunk in. But this cream is a dream: non-sticky and delicious-smelling.

THE ORGANIC PHAR MACY A M E L I O R AT E Skin Smoothing Body Lotion, £27.50 They say ‘Goodbye, chicken skin!’ We say The proper name for rough, goosebumpy backs-of-arms is keratosis pilaris – and this is the stuff to get rid of them: smoothing, soothing, comes in a pleasingly jumbo-sized tube, so no need to scrimp on it. Also good on bottoms.

Sweet Vanilla Dry Oil, £35 They say ‘An all-in-one solution for dry skin and lacklustre hair.’ We say The whole 2-in-1 thing is hardly new – but when an oil makes your skin smell like the Hummingbird Bakery, you’ll gladly slap the leftovers on your split ends.

STILL-LIFES: PIXELEYES

NUORI Supreme Moisture Mask, £65 They say ‘For dehydrated and distressed skin.’ We say Also helpful on those days when you feel like your face is so dry it might fall off. Sleep in it if you can.

DIOR Crème de Rose Smoothing Plumping Lipbalm, £20 They say ‘Must-have care for damaged lips.’ We say Not only is this the smartest lipbalm you will ever own, it also patches up cracks and flakiness like no one’s business.

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2018

ITINERARIES NOW OPEN FOR RESERVATION

Like nowhere else on Earth. At sea. Weave an unforgettable tapestry of memories with Silversea’s superb 2018 itineraries. With over 850 destinations and almost 300 maiden calls this is your chance to discover the world in a completely unique way. From iconic city destinations to extraordinary expedition cruising, you could soon be experiencing the incomparable living museum of evolution that is the Galápagos Islands, meandering the cobbled streets of Dubrovnik or sipping a rum punch in St. Barts. From Asia to Africa, Antarctica to Alaska, Australia to America, Silversea’s 2018 itineraries cover every corner of the globe. With almost 300 new destinations, exclusive landing rights and more overnights and late departures than ever before, plus exceptionally high levels of personalised service and elite dining, Silversea’s cruises are like nothing else on Earth. At sea. 

For more information on our 2018 itineraries please call 0207 340 0700 or visit Silversea.com/2018


T R AV E L Edited by FRANCISCA KELLETT

GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY Where can you get your townie children to ride horses, go fishing and climb waterfalls? In an old gold-mining town in Colorado’s cowboy country, says Emma Freud

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A cabin with accompanying teepee at Colorado’s Dunton Hot Springs

Y

ABOVE, 19TH-CENTURY GOLD MINERS IN TELLURIDE, COLORADO. BELOW, BUTCH CASSIDY’S SIGNATURE CARVED INTO THE BAR

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ou know that moment when you arrive at a hotel and the person showing you to your room starts to tell you the story of the building and you think, ‘Could I just have a large glass of wine instead’? Reader, I have found a hotel where the history bit is not only brilliant but actually the entire point. A hundred and fifty years ago, 9,000 feet above sea level, in the middle of a pinecovered Colorado valley, a group of miners discovered a vein of hot springs whose mineral content heralded the possibility of actual gold in them thar hills. They built a tiny town of wooden cabins centred around the springs – with a saloon, a store, a depository, a bathhouse and a dance hall. They mined the gold and bathed in the warm waters. And when Butch Cassidy robbed his first bank, in nearby Telluride, he legged it to Dunton and carved his name into the bar in the town’s saloon. In the early 1900s, the gold dried up and the miners left the little town to be

looked after by ghosts. And so it stayed – a crumbling, sexy ghost town where only the baths thrived. As one local told me: ‘Every decent pregnancy in the nearest town emanated in these hot springs; it was the one place the cowboys would take their pants off.’ Cut to 1994, when a visionary German entrepreneur buys the deserted encampment for a pittance and sets about faithfully recreating the tiny town. He and his team take each cabin apart, plank by plank. They number them, restore them, rebuild them and fill them with Soho House-quality beds, museumquality art, hides, books, quirks and delights. And amid these 19th-century prairie joys, they add 21st-century luxuries like underfloor heating, perfect plumbing and incredible, classy, relaxed service. We arrive late at night after driving two hours from nearby Durango, the last 10 miles along a meandering dirt track, and go straight to the saloon. There’s a fire, a pool table, wheat beer on tap, exquisite food and staff so charming that we long for them to join us at dinner. When we stagger into our three-bed cabin, it’s immaculate: there’s no TV, but lots of well-chosen novels; no minibar, but boxfresh playing cards; no sunlounger, but a great hammock. The bath is ancient, metal and on wheels, surrounded by windows that look onto our own woodland – like ]

PHOTOGRAPHS: AMERICAN STOCK ARCHIVE/GETTY IMAGES

My favourite lodge is a tiny wooden hut on wheels housing the world’s smallest sauna – the definition of cabin porn


Tr av el LEFT, SPIKE, RICHARD & CHARLIE CURTIS HANGING OUT AT 9,000 FEET. RIGHT, EMMA FALLS FOR A PALOMINO

Daytime fires in the saloon

Dunton Hot Springs

Spike opens up to the great outdoors

LEFT, EMMA AT THE SAUNA WAGON. RIGHT, THE TREES HAVE EYES

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Tr av el [having a bath in a copse. Some of the walls are corrugated tin – genuine industrial vintage – and our sink is original moulded copper, but the water pressure is entirely Ritz. Unexpectedly, we’re woken in the morning by traffic noise. The road to Dunton hosts around four cars a day, so by a cunning process of deduction we surmise there might be a waterfall 10 yards away from our porch. There is. It’s big. And reader, we have a porch. So here we are in paradise... but with the nearest town 31 miles away, what are we supposed to do in it? Turns out to be quite a lot – we walk, we ride, we cycle, we hike, we yoga (is that a verb?). I spend one afternoon reading in a rocking chair and even paint the world’s worst watercolour of a wigwam. And at the end of a big day in the mountains, there’s the sensuous pleasure of the natural hot springs, which are housed in the prettiest of all the cabins, with a fringed hammock over the steaming water, an ice-cold plunge tub carved from a massive local stone and a glass wall offering a full-frontal view of the Colorado Rockies. There’s the additional option of doing all of this while smoking weed, which is legal in the state, but that would have been quite hard to explain to my 12-year-old, who has just had the drugs talk at school. I’d suspected I would love it, but had been a bit concerned about how my two teenage boys would handle the solitude and serenity (not their natural habitat). Somehow, though, my townie kids discover their inner cowboy: they ride and don’t fall off. They go fishing and catch three actual trout. They climb the waterfall and explore. They discover a classic two-storey library of ancient and modern books in one of the cabins, with a big leather armchair and a wood-burning stove. Unlike most hotel libraries, this one is so alluring that we all spend an afternoon investigating its shelves and fighting over who gets the chair. That entire building was a present from the owner to his wife on their wedding anniversary. ‘He did better than Dad, eh?’ said my son. ‘Had your father and I got round to getting married,’ I point out, ‘I am sure he’d have given me a library on many, if not all, of our anniversaries.’ Don’t mention this to our children, but had their father and I got round to getting married, I couldn’t imagine anywhere more beautiful to do it than this green valley. There’s an open wedding cabin by the waterfall – and the entire hotel takes around 40 guests, so you could probably get away with not even inviting the in-laws. There has to be a downside, and it turns out that everyone eats together in the saloon, like a cowboy dinner but without any cowboys. Ever since a disastrous Club Med holiday in the Eighties, I’ve been allergic to communal

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The bathhouse containing the original hot spring

tables. But even here Dunton has got it right – everyone staying at this unusual place turns out to be delightfully unusual. There’s a sweet sense of community, not a forced camaraderie; you don’t have to join in, but why wouldn’t you? Once the food is eaten and the beer is drunk, we stumble next door to the dance hall, lie down on cushions and watch a western projected onto the wall (Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, obvs). On the way to bed, we find a firepit near the teepee where S’mores (chocolate, biscuits and marshmallows) have been left out for us. We like it here. On our last night, we move four miles downriver to Dunton’s River Camp – eight classy tents on the banks of the Dolores River – where we find my favourite of all the lodges. It’s a tiny cylindrical wooden hut on wheels, the same shape as a classic Wild West wagon, and houses the world’s smallest sauna: literally the definition of cabin porn. From this little shelter, the view is all majestic snow-topped mountains and perfect pine-covered hills – you can’t ignore the epic nature of this astonishing state, and the insignificance of the role played by humans in its story. It’s the Wild West at its most relaxed and it’s unlike anywhere I’ve ever stayed – less like a hotel and more like living inside a piece of American history. ( BOOK IT Double at Dunton Hot Springs, from £740, full board; double at Dunton River Camp, from £1,230, full board, incl. activities (duntonlife.com). To rent a car in the area, Go Rentals (gorentals.com) are very helpful.

The ultimate wedding present: Dunton’s library

There’s a sweet sense of community here – not a forced camaraderie

ABOVE, S’MORES HOUR. BELOW, SPIKE & EMMA BLISS OUT AT THE WATERFALL


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T H E J E T PA C K Come on, admit it, you’ve had long and detailed dreams about owning a plane (which definitely don’t involve printing off your own luggage tag). Well, now’s the time to make those dreams a reality... Sort of. By Nigel Tisdall and Francisca Kellett TAT L E R F E B RUARY 2017

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H

ave you always suspected that flying ought to be a bit... different? That there might be a way of getting through an airport without having a nervous breakdown? That maybe you can avoid shoving a fortnight’s worth of clothes into a case the size of a shoebox, only to then get in an inelegant scuffle with your fellow passengers about the overhead locker? That perhaps the food on board needn’t just be a choice of horrid chicken or horrid beef, and – just imagine – the staff might be genuinely pleased to see you (or at least really good at pretending)? Well, it turns out your suspicions are completely correct. That is exactly how flying can be – if you happen to have access to a private jet. If, until recently, you happened to be a tycoon, or a rock star, or perhaps a head of state. But we have good news! Flying privately is becoming more accessible – quicker, easier and cheaper(ish).

Then there are the apps that list ‘empty leg’ private-jet trips – basically a way of filling empty flights that are returning to base or en route to their next scheduled departure point. Best part: rates are winningly discounted. A quick look at the Victor app, which accesses over 7,000 aircraft worldwide, pings up some seductive possibilities – like Farnborough to Avignon for £3,413 for six. Not exactly bargain-basement, but no longer pie in the sky either. Empty legs are just the headline deals. ‘They’re one per cent of our business,’ explains Victor’s founder and CEO, Clive Jackson. Founded in 2011, his jet-charter company now books over 300 flights a month, often at great speed – the record is 72 minutes for a £55,000 one-way charter from London to Antigua for a client who needed to sail in a regatta. Urgent needs aside, the real plus-points of private jetting are the convenience, the timesaving, the security, the total lack of airport hell and, yes, the sheer glamour of it all. Tot up all the plus-points, possibly splitting the costs among your party, and chartering a private jet doesn’t seem quite so extravagant. A small jet carrying four now costs around £3,000 for a one-hour flight to Europe – from Biggin Hill to Paris Le Bourget, for instance. Or how about £68,800 for a London to New York return on a fabulous Gulfstream G450 seating 12? That’s a little over £5,000 per head.

PHOTOGRAPH: KOURKEN PAKCHANIAN/GETTY IMAGES

A small jet carrying four now costs around £3,000 for a one-hour flight from Biggin Hill to Paris Le Bourget ‘The cost of chartering a private jet is 10 to 20 per cent less than it was five years ago,’ says Carol Cork of charter specialist PrivateFly. ‘On-demand charters have been steadily gaining market share,’ she says, ‘especially with leisure and entry-level customers.’ And they’re getting younger too. Some recent data-crunching by PrivateFly found the average age of passengers is 41, and 30 per cent of them are women. Apps are shaking things up – like nifty new Surf Air, which brings the idea of car-pooling to the skies. Their fleet of Pilatus PC-12s can be used for unlimited scheduled flights. ‘It’s like a private members’ club in the skies,’ says Surf Air Europe CEO Simon Talling-Smith. You pay a monthly membership (from £1,450), and you can then fly as much as you want on scheduled European routes. You share the flights with up to eight other members, but the app means you can book within 30 seconds, fly from a private terminal (Luton Private Aviation Terminal in London) and don’t need to turn up for your flight until 15 minutes before departure.

Tour operators are clocking on too, offering air-hopping holidays in customised private jets to whisk groups of passengers around the wonders of the world. Usually lasting two to three weeks, they attract well-heeled, cultured types who want zero hassle (no long queues at security, civilised departure times, unseen fairies dealing with luggage). It’s a proper trend, with top-of-the-heap experts such as andBeyond and Aman twigging how much we like this type of travel. Both launched group expeditions by private jet last year, and Crystal Cruises and Oetker Collection will start similar programmes later in 2017. TCS World Travel, which has been offering planet-circling adventures for over 20 years, has this down pat. For its trips aboard the stonking Four Seasons Private Jet, for example, the plane always flies west and only in the day, with a two- or threenight stop in between legs – nothing too taxing. Unlike your next ‘normal’ flight, which is likely to feel more taxing than ever. There had to be a downside somewhere. (

GET ONBOARD Surf Air Surf Air, which launched in Europe in October, offers monthly memberships from £1,450, with unlimited flights on routes between London, Amsterdam, Zurich, Geneva, Dublin and Cannes. Ibiza and Paris are next. surfair.com/eu

Pr i v a t e F l y PrivateFly offers keenly priced charters and empty-leg trips. We found a flight from Biggin Hill to Cannes on an eight-seater Cessna C550 Citation Bravo for £2,280 (standard price is £9,200) – that’s £285 per head. privatefly.com

Victor app Download Victor’s app for a screenful of tempting late prices (anyone for Stansted to Ibiza for £5,212 on a six-seater next Monday?). flyvictor.com

Fo u r S e a s o n s Pr i v a t e Je t The 52-bed Four Seasons Private Jet is dropping into Kyoto, the Maldives, the Serengeti and St Petersburg this year. Oof. TCS World Travel’s 24-day ‘International Intrigue’ itinerary, from £95,000 per person, departs from Seattle on 3 September. tcsworldtravel.com

Ab e r c r o m b i e & K e n t ‘The Tropics to the Arctic’ is Abercrombie & Kent’s most popular private-jet journey, a 25-night aerial odyssey taking in rarities like Easter Island, the Solomon Islands, Mongolia and Uzbekistan. From £103,630 per person, with no single supplement, departing from Fort Lauderdale on 1 May on a Boeing 757 with 50 guests. abercrombiekent.com/privatejet

Na t i o n a l Ge o g r a p h i c Expeditions Get spiritual on a 21-day ‘Sacred Places’ journey with National Geographic Expeditions, visiting holy hotspots like Jerusalem, Amritsar and the rock-hewn churches of Ethiopia. From £49,000 on a 77-guest jet, departing from Rome on 29 April. nationalgeographicexpeditions.com

C a p t a i n’s C h o i c e A 14-day Captain’s Choice ‘Outback, Top End and Kimberley’ journey is an epic 12-flight Australian odyssey from Sydney to Darwin and back – you’ll travel aboard a 28-guest Embraer ERJ 135 – with stops including Broome, Uluru and Birdsville. The all-inclusive itinerary costs from £11,550 and departs on 13 August. captainschoice.co.uk

Elewana Collection Safari on a whole new level aboard Elewana Collection’s super-comfy Cessna Grand Caravan E, kitted out with eight business-classstyle seats. An eight-day Kenya SkySafari, which departs from Nairobi every other day year-round, with stops at lodges in Amboseli, Meru and the Maasai Mara, costs from £4,829. skysafari.com

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Where to go... FOR A WINTRY CITY BREAK NEED SOME HEAT? YES

NO

LOOKING FOR A SCENE?

FANCY IT FAR-FLUNG?

YES

NO

YES

NO

EAST

ATEMPORAL

AMAN TOKYO

TOTEM

If you have business in Miami (and no need for the ocean), then stay in the Brickell area. This is downtown Miami – the shiny new heart of its heaving artsy scene – and East is where it’s at. The 352 rooms might be a touch sober and monochrome, but the rest is anything but. There’s Domain, the ground-floor coffee bar that magically turns into a real bar after dark (with sliding panels – totally cool). Then there’s Sugar, the 40th-floor rooftop bar, an Asian-inspired jungle with 270degree views from the northern tip of Miami Beach all the way down to Key Largo (the queue to get in, at street level, snakes around the block). And the fifthfloor pool deck comes with four pool ‘experiences’, including jacuzzis and a lap-pool, while at Quinto La Huella, the first outpost of the famous Uruguayan beach restaurant, you can sit around the wood-fired grill or on the sprawling outdoor terrace – heartstoppingly romantic at night. East is exactly where you want to be.

Lima’s latest boutique bolthole is tu casa, for a few days at least. This revamped Forties mock-Tudor townhouse in the city’s buzziest barrio feels like the home of an artistic amigo who’s never around. The design team behind Barranco’s Hotel B and Lake Titicaca’s Titilaka have mixed minimalism with eclectic finds in the nine rooms. Sleek furniture courtesy of designer Jordi Puig might be paired with a chunky Fifties chair and a handwoven Andean rug. After breakfast – perhaps homemade granola and an Amazonian superfruit juice – borrow the Mini, plus driver, or one of the shiny red bicycles and explore Miraflores; there’s everything from pre-Inca ruins to contemporary art on your doorstep. Follow a hard day’s sightseeing with a chilcano (pisco, ginger ale and lime) from the honesty bar. After that, the allknowing maître d’ will get you into one of the hottest restaurants.

Hidden away on the top six floors of a skyscraper in Tokyo’s Chiyoda business district, amid all the lights and noise, is this oasis of tranquillity. The first thing you’ll notice is your ears popping as you ride the lift up to the lobby on the 33rd floor. The second thing is the 100ft-high ceiling, covered in Washi paper: you can gaze up while you wait to be checked in, sipping on chilled ume (plum) juice – it’s a nice contrast to the dark walls and floors. There’s also an indoor zen garden that changes with the seasons, and the floor-to-ceiling windows look right into downtown Tokyo’s cleavage. ‘Welcome home,’ they say, as you’re shown into your room. Indeed. The decor is classic, minimalist Japanese (wood, stone, more Washi paper) and every bathroom comes with a furo, a sort of deep soaking tub, plus a loo seat that seems to greet you when you enter. Best feature? The window-facing bed – on a clear day you can spot Mount Fuji from between the sheets.

Set in the quiet, chichi barrio of Salamanca – basically Madrid’s answer to Chelsea – this newbie is the coolest kid on the block. From the outside it may look like any other neighbourhood building, but inside all is fresh and new, with calming slate-grey walls and strokeable Scandi furniture. And just a little bit of naughtiness – like the F Scott Fitzgeraldinspired, aptly named restaurant and bar, Hermosos y Malditos (Beautiful and Damned). Sink into one of those deepblue velvet sofas with a stiff drink and you’ll never want to leave. But do haul yourself out, because this is Madrid, so there’s plenty to see. If you want to feel like a local, hire a scooter to zip about on; then retreat to your room, wash the city out of your hair and luxuriate in one of the ludicrously enormous beds, dreaming about the cinnamon and apple pancakes you’ll be having for breakfast.

BOOK IT Double, from £715 (amantokyo.com).

BOOK IT Double, from £144, incl. breakfast (totem-madrid.com).

Lima

BOOK IT Double, from £168 (east-miami.com).

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BOOK IT Aracari (aracari.com) offers two nights, as part of an eight-night trip, from £4,509 per person, incl. domestic flights, breakfast, transfers and tours.

Tokyo

Madrid

WORDS BY JEREMY WAYNE, SARAH GILBERT, BEATRIZ CHOI, ELLA BALDWIN

Miami


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‘HERO’, PAGE 58 DRESS & EARRING, BOTH BY CHANEL

Loquet London loquetlondon.com Missoni missoni.com Miu Miu miumiu.com; and at Sunglass Hut Mother Denim motherdenim.com Mr Porter mrporter.com Mulberry mulberry.com Net-a-Porter net-a-porter.com

Nicholas Kirkwood nicholaskirkwood.com Paul & Joe paulandjoe.com Paul Smith paulsmith.co.uk Philipp Plein plein.com Rag & Bone rag-bone.com RED Valentino redvalentino.com Reiss reiss.com Sergio Rossi sergiorossi.com

Simone Rocha simonerocha.com Smythson smythson.com Stuart Weitzman stuartweitzman.com Sunglass Hut sunglasshut.com Temperley London temperleylondon.com Topshop topshop.com Versace versace.com Vionnet vionnet.com

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HAVE YOU BEEN FLICKING THROUGH THIS WHOLE MAGAZINE THINKING, ‘WHERE IS CARA DELEVINGNE’S COUSIN? THEY PROMISED ME CARA DELEVINGNE’S COUSIN ON THE COVER!’ WELL, INDEFATIGABLE READER, YOU HAVE FOUND HER. HERE IS GISELLE NORMAN, AGED 15, DRESSED AS WONDER WOMAN, NATURALLY

PHOTOGRAPH: MARCUS DAWES

FOR MORE OFF-DUTY SLOANE SUPERHEROES, TURN THE PAGE!

To see thousands more joyous bystander photographs, go to tatler.com TATLER.COM

TAT L E R F E B RUARY 2017


LUCAS ELY

B ys ta n der

NED BLACKBURN

DICAPRIO CRASHES BALL ELLA HASTINGS

magine being 15 years old and pitching up at a party to find Leonardo DiCaprio on the door. UNREAL. Right? It’s probably no surprise to you, clever reader, that this Leo was not the real deal. He was, in fact, a cardboard cutout. But that was no barrier for the faintly hysterical teenage girls – including Cara D’s cousin, Giselle Norman – at the annual Salamander teen ball in Bembridge, themed as ‘A Night at the Oscars’. After taking selfies with the sadly unresponsive heart-throb, they carried him off down the beach for a midnight walk. Romantic.

I

ARABELLA WILSON, ALEXANDRA ARMITAGE & LOTTIE PINK THEO NORMAN

MERLIN GUY

But gives a wooden performance

TOMMY JARVIS & MADDY HYATT

LARA MILLER

Photographed by MARCUS DAWES

ROSIE NORMAN & ELLA PITMAN

BEETLE COLE

Rose Hearn SAM WINTERBOTTOM & ARCHIE GOODWIN

TAT L E R F E B RUARY 2017

TATLER.COM

MAX FILLINGHAM

GUS LAUGHTONSCOTT


ALL ABOA RD TH E VOMIT

NICHOLAS & FELICIANA MARKS

COMET!

DANIEL STRUTT & CARLOTA CEREZO

STOWE AWAY!

HAMISH BEATON & MATTHEW HILL

One last night of innocent fun he last day of school can elicit a cocktail of emotions – excitement, trepidation, nostalgia... You could call it an emotional rollercoaster. Or, in the case of this year’s Stowe Leavers’ Ball, a fairground!

T

Photographed by JOJO HARPER TONI KUKU, HARRY NORRIS & WILL MOTION

OLIVER KENYON INIGO LENDRUM & JOHANNES HENKEL

Guido Alvigini JAMES & LAURA POWELL

Lies to tell lefties Proper pearls should be made of your ancestors

PHOTOGRAPH: SHUTTERSTOCK

There’s this company in Stroud that does it by Royal Appointment. Basically, you lop off a bit of the deceased’s little finger, and they grind it up and stick it in an oyster for 20 years. You can wear them made of grandparents, uncles or aunts, but never your parents. That would be icky.

By Hugo Rifkind, who writes for The Times LUKE FENWICKECLENNELL & PETER DEAKIN

TATLER.COM

TAT L E R F E B RUARY 2017


B ys ta n der

ALEXANDRA MORRIS & PABLO CAMPRUBI ROYLE

STAY CLASSY

OLIVIA & SID INGLIS & JONATHAN & JENNY PERRY

Winning ways at the Tatler Schools Awards LEO WYNNE-WILLIAMS & GEORGE SKEEN

EMILY MARCUCCILLI, CAROLE CAMERON & EMILY BENNISON JOHN FLOYD & PATRICIA STEVENSON

unctuality – it’s an important life skill, up there with grammar and maths and knowing how to use a knife and fork. So imagine how embarrassing it must have been for Michael Spens, the headmaster of Fettes, to be tardy for the 2017 Tatler Schools Awards! He was due on stage to collect a Thomas Lyte-designed cup for Fettes, which won Public School of the Year, so sneaking quietly into the Landmark hotel to disguise his skin-of-the-teeth arrival wasn’t an option. That said, he had a valid excuse: a delayed flight from Scotland.

P

TA T L E R S CH O OL S AWA R D S 2 0 1 7

Annabelle Bath, Saul French and Georgia Morling

LIFE TIM E ACH IEVE MEN T

Sir Malcolm and Lady Colquhoun Broomwood Hall and Northcote Lodge BES T SCH OOL FOO D

Falkner House BES T HEA D OF A PUB LIC SCH OOL

Sarah Thomas Bryanston

ZARAH GRANT & IVANNA PIVEN

PUB LIC SCH OOL OF THE YEA R

Fettes BES T HEA D OF A PRE P SCH OOL

ALICE ROSE & KATE REARDON

Charles Welch Witham Hall School PRE P SCH OOL OF THE YEA R

Lambrook POW ER BEH IND THE THR ONE AWA RD

Angela McDonald Thomas’s Battersea LIFE TIM E ACH IEVE MEN T

124 T A T L E R F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 7

Hamish Aird Radley College TATLER.COM

MICHAEL SPENS, HAMISH AIRD, ANGELA MCDONALD, CHARLES WELCH, ANITA GRIGGS, JONATHAN PERRY & SARAH THOMAS

SIR MALCOLM & LADY COLQUHOUN


CHARLES EDDLESTONE, 2014

Bananas are not afraid of water!

...dancing on the ceiling

MIKE TOLLER, 2013

LUCY HENDERSON & LUCY LINES, 2013 CHARLIE LOFTIE, 1983

HANDS IN THE AIR!

MONTY CLEVELY & DAISY STOTHERT, 2013

PHOTOGRAPHS: MARCUS DAWES, HUGO BURNAND, PIERS ALLARDYCE, DAFYDD JONES, DARREN GERRISH, WOJTEK CHRAPEK, JOJO HARPER

You know you want to ometimes words are not enough to express your bliss. Sometimes, like when you are moving on the dancefloor at your sister’s wedding having drunk a bottle and a half of champagne, or on the table at a pizza restaurant when that song you love by the Gipsy Kings kicks in, or standing on a speaker at a nightclub in your favourite new gold boots, no one can hear you anyway. It is at such moments that the internationally recognised gesture of joy comes into its own. PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIIIRRRRR! Clench your fists and pump the sky, or just float your hands. For in this moment they are free. Tomorrow is another day.

JAIME HALL, 2014

NICK SILBER & TARA PEACH, 2014

King of the world!

DAISY PRICE & POLLY STUARTMILLS, 2016

DAISY LEWIS, 2013

SARAH, DUCHESS OF YORK, 2016

Jessica Berens, 1984 Jazz hands!

ANNE-MARIE, COUNTESS DE GANAY, 1998

NATASHA GRENFELL, 1987

LORD GLENCONNER & TESSA TENNANT, 1986 TATLER.COM

TAT L E R F E B RUARY 2017


B ys ta n der

LAURENT & CARINE FENIOU JUAN MARTIN & LORENZO NERO

LADY KITTY SPENCER

CARTIER QUEEN’S CUP

JAMIE & LOTTIE MURRAY WELLS

EARL OF MARCH AND KINRARA & VISCOUNT ROTHERMERE

OLIVIA HUNT ALEX ROSE & LADY TATIANA MOUNTBATTEN WITH CONKER

DIMITRI CHANDRIS & LYDIA FORTE

TOMMY COLERIDGE, JASPER GREIG & GEORGE PEARSON

Adolfo and Myla Cambiaso

DRUMMOND MONEY-COUTTS & JAMIE RICHARDS

TAT L E R F E B RUARY 2017

TATLER.COM


LORD WROTTESLEY, DATO CHEVY BEH, THE MARCHIONESS OF MILFORD HAVEN & CHARLES CADOGAN

LADY ALICE MANNERS & LADY ELIZA MANNERS

SEXY MEN ON HORSES! But polo is about so much more...

BRITISH POLO DAY

agicians, princes, trusty steeds – no, we’re not travelling back to medieval times, just recalling some of the elements that made last summer’s polo season so marvellous. More 21st-century touches were provided by Hugo Heathcote on the decks at the Cartier Queen’s Cup final, hosted by Laurent Feniou at Guards Polo Club, Jack Savoretti serenading the crowd at the Audi Polo Challenge at Coworth Park and the adorable Isla Phillimore toddling around at British Polo Day.

M

ISLA PHILLIMORE

ARABELLA BALLANTYNE, NANCY FECHNAY & MARY BALLANTYNE

Photographed by SAM CHURCHILL, TONY RAMIREZ & DAVE BENNETT

CHARLOTTE RILEY & TOM HARDY

The Duke of Cambridge and Charlie Hanbury

OPHELIA LOVIBOND & ANGELA SCANLON

DOMINIC COOPER

AUDI POLO CHALLENGE

TESS WARD

ASHLEY JENSEN & JAMES NESBITT

THE DUKE OF CAMBRIDGE, NIC ROLDAN, JACK SAVORETTI, JAMES HARPER & PRINCE HARRY


B ys ta n der

HENRY BUTT & HENRY MORLEY EMILY ARCHER & SIMON MAYHEWARCHER ANGUS MARSDEN & ED HOLCROFT

WILD BEASTS Roaring Sloanes take over shop

Oliver and Rose Tomalin

ou know how it is – you nip along to a party and, finding yourself a little jolly after a couple of drinks, end up booking not just your 60th- but also your 70th-birthday holiday extravaganzas. No? Admittedly, it does sound rather louche, and yet that is just what one anonymous guest* did at Henry Morley’s True Luxury Travel bash at Love Brand & Co, in Chelsea, where the company launched its epic tiger safaris and its latest holiday destinations, India and Sri Lanka. * Name withheld so as to avoid friends’ attempts to wangle an invitation. We ask that no one makes further investigations.

Y

FRED CARR & BOBBY FABER

LUCIE HOLTERMANN & MICHEL DE CARVALHO

Photographed by LARA ARNOTT

PHILIP & DIXIE JENKS MILLY & TOM COULTER

LEO MILLS & CHRISTOPHER RAMSAY

W H AT YO U R F A N C Y- D R E S S PA RT Y S AY S A B O U T YO U You went to a same-sex Catholic boarding school and still haven’t got over your crush on Father John. Those wistful glances in chapel, the loitering round the confessional, the failed attempts to beg forgiveness for your sinful thoughts...

T WENTIES Everyone must look gorgeous. The photos must be gorgeous. No silly outfits or faces. It will ruin the

pictures. The pictures come first. Look riotous and excited like they did in the Twenties! Hold that pose where you’re shrieking under the spray of a champagne bottle. ISN’T THIS FUN?

S AFAR I

DI SNE Y

EUROT R AS H

AN IM ALS O F T HE FOREST

There is nothing innocent or childlike about Princess Jasmine’s crop top and harem pants. Or Maleficent’s horned head. Or the Beast. This is a barely disguised sex party.

You are married to a successful financier who works for a Swiss private bank, but you also have a scandalous past. That’s why half your friends turn up in transparent tops,

No one understands you like your dog. He doesn’t judge you or ask why you aren’t married or don’t have a better job. He doesn’t laugh at you for not being able to cook, or

You still can’t believe your gap year had to end. Why aren’t you crawling through the undergrowth whispering about rhinos, instead of getting the Tube to work?

heels and hotpants as if they were Ibiza cage dancers or in the ‘Macarena’ video, and the other half wear silk scarves and plastic tiaras like they were minor European royalty.

for those nights when you feel a bit scared about going upstairs on your own.

HEROES You have too many friends on Facebook, so it’s time to check in with who they really are and cull accordingly. A friend who turns up as Princess Margaret can stay, obviously. Someone who turns up as Henry VIII may be for the chop.

WILD WEST Any excuse to wear jeans.

PHOTOGRAPHS: ISTOCK

TARTS & VI CARS


CAMILLA CORDLE

JOHNNY LAKIN & ANTONIA SHOWERING

TEQUILA CHALLENGE

VEE MCCREADY

OPHELIA THORP & SHAHRYAR REZA

... for charity, obviously avid Tollemache is no man to clash swords with – look what happened when he entered a bidding war with Celine Higton during the auction at the Borana Conservation Trust dinner at the Hurlingham Club. Fearful of being gazumped, he stooped to texting her from across the room to request she ‘back down’. Threatening? Well, it worked. So Francis Asher should know better than to take David on. The pair were at the same table and ended up playing a ‘game of fives’ that resulted in Francis having to do five tequila shots – and nearly, but not quite, being sick. All this madness raised £135,000, so that’s OK then.

D

MARIE-CLAIRE AGNEW & MICHAEL SPENCER CARINTHIA PEARSON, ADELAIDE BOLITHO & FIN BULLOUGH

EARL OF MEDINA & INGA HANSTVEIT TANSY ASPINALL, DAMIAN ASPINALL & KARTIK KUMAR

Photographed by LARA ARNOTT

FREDDIE BRIANCE & ALEXANDER COTTRELL

ITHAKA RODDAM

emache Jemima Cadbury and David Toll

SARAH SPENCER & LADY TATIANA MOUNTBATTEN

ALEX ROSE & HUGO BRINE

TATLER.COM

TAT L E R F E B RUARY 2017


E AT 1 7 ST 2 0 R E LE ID AT G U E T LS TH OO H SC

THIS IS TH E PAGE YOU ’RE LOOKING FOR CONTI N U E D FROM PAG E 95

THOMAS MILLS HIGH SCHOOL Suffolk (thomasmills.suffolk.sch.uk)

PHOTOGRAPHS: REX FEATURES, SHUTTERSTOCK, ISTOCK

PUPILS 1,092 boys and girls, aged 11–18 Suffolk is blessed with good secondaries: we hear excellent things about Farlingaye High School in Woodbridge, but the Thomas Mills parents are even more vocal in their praise for their school. One mother emailed to tell us how ‘privileged’ she felt to have secured a place for her daughter. The school has, she says, ‘the right balance to get children to achieve’. Staff really make an effort to get to know their pupils – with the result that academic achievement surpasses all expectations (73 per cent A*–C at A-level last year; maths is the most popular A-level choice – 60 per cent A*–B in 2016). The headteacher, Philip Hurst, is, we’re told, ‘very approachable – he always makes time to speak to parents’. Drama is ‘fantastic’, and the music department offers a ‘huge variety’ (full orchestra, brass band, ensembles galore). Best of all, former pupil Ed Sheeran, below, regularly drops in to share his talents. And the sport is outstanding: the Year 8 rugby team won the Eastern Counties tournament in 2015, trouncing local independents to become regional champions. ‘Great food, great sport and a very warm place to be,’ says one pupil; ‘I have made many friends that I feel will be with me for the rest of my life,’ says another.

J O R DA N H I L L SCHOOL Glasgow (jordanhill.glasgow.sch.uk) PUPILS 1,052 boys and girls, aged 5 –18 In the words of one top publicschool head, Jordanhill is ‘a real beacon in the area’. It’s not unheard of for the rector (head to you and me), Dr Paul Thomson (in situ for 19 years and counting), to receive applications in utero. With

up to five people battling for each slot, you need to be absolutely on it to get a place here. It’s a proper community school, in one of the most affluent parts of Glasgow – so it’s no surprise that there’s a premium on house prices in these parts, and most parents are well-educated professionals. Though non-selective, Jordanhill has the highest percentage (75 per cent) of pupils moving on to higher education among all state schools in Scotland. They’re the mustard at rugby, hockey and athletics; matches on Saturday mornings see scores of parents cheering from the sidelines. This year, they cut the ribbon on the sparkling new Swire Chinese Language Centre, with Mandarin now on offer even to little ones (the prep shares the same campus – nearly all pupils move up to the senior department), and the school’s ICT Mark has resulted in classrooms bursting with hi-tech equipment. And on top of all that, a ‘can do’ attitude pervades the place, a very satisfied parent tells us.

T H E D U C H E S S’S CO M M U N I T Y HIGH SCHOOL Northumberland (dchs-alnwick.org) PUPILS 1,109 boys and girls, aged 13–18 (11–18 from September 2017) The Duchess’s School moved to a brand new campus last year, so tails are wagging and morale has never been higher. We hear much praise from parents whose children have sailed through their GCSEs (just under 60 per cent A*–B at A-level or the BTEC equivalent last year) and from others whose children have needed – and received – extra pastoral support. ‘Communication between school and parents is excellent,’ we’re told. Talented musicians are nurtured, and drama (‘superb,’ we hear) gets the thumbs-up from the local community – performances fill the Alnwick Playhouse to capacity and pupils run the

BA LCA R R A S S C H O O L Gloucestershire (balcarras.gloucs.sch.uk)

PUPILS 1,398 boys and girls, aged 11-18 There’s an abundance of good state secondaries in Gloucestershire (we’re big fans of Pate’s Grammar School), but Balcarras comes out top in overall-performance league tables: no mean feat for a non-selective comprehensive in a heavily ‘grammarised’ county. Results are so good (62 per cent A*–B at A-level last year) that parents are defecting from local preps, the grapevine tells us, and one teacher heaped praise on his current cohort as the ‘nicest, best behaved children’ he’s worked with. After 20 years at the helm, legend Chris Healy retired last summer; it’s now ex-deputy Dominic Burke’s job to continue his legacy. There’s a relaxed, mutually respectful atmosphere throughout the campus; Mr Burke is red hot on ‘child safety and happiness’ (hear, hear) and teaches nine lessons a week to get to know his crowd. They’re ace at art, drama and music, facilities are second to none (3D printer, recording studio) and pupils go gung-ho for D of E and the annual Outlook Expeditions to Mongolia and Alaska (to name a few). The cherry on the cake: an Outstanding thumbs-up from Ofsted.

show both behind the scenes and on stage. The school was founded by the Duchess of Northumberland in 1808, and links with the local community and the Percy family are still strong. They’re adding a new Year 7 and Year 8 in September 2017, so pupil numbers will increase to around 1,500. ‘It’s the go-to destination from a very wide radius of mid- and north Northumberland,’ says a local.

ST J O S E P H ’S CO L L E G E Dumfries (stjosephscollege.co.uk) PUPILS 730 boys and girls, aged 11–18 Founded by the Marist Brothers – a Roman Catholic teaching order – St Joseph’s started life in 1875 as a boys’ boarding school, These days, it’s a co-educational comprehensive, and, says a parent, it’s ‘the Dumfries school

that everyone wants to go to’. It’s a vibrant, high-energy place with a strong academic focus and a wide curriculum – modern languages are a particular strength, and pupils are given lots of opportunities to travel. All the staff – both teaching and administrative – are, says one parent, ‘top rate, approachable and happy to communicate about a multitude of queries. They genuinely care about the students and their subjects.’ Facilities have been described as ‘extraordinary’, and there is a conspicuously wide range of extracurricular activities. Headteacher Bernadette Jones is ‘a strong, very approachable leader who takes great pride in St Joseph’s and is always keen to celebrate her pupils’ success and achievements’. Best of all, we’re told it’s ‘pretty straightforward to get into – no waiting lists.’ (

TATLER.COM

TAT L E R F E B RUARY 2017


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$ QHZ SURSHUW\ DQG KRWHO SURMHFW LV VHW WR UHGHILQH OX[XU\ RQ WKH LVODQG VD\V -HVVLH +HZLWVRQ Grenada is known for being one of the most spectacularly beautiful islands in the Caribbean. What it is not yet known for is high-quality contemporary villas and one of the best hotels in the region. That, however, is about to change, thanks to the Silversands project. Found directly on Grand Anse beach, on the south-west tip of the island, this hotel and property development will redefine luxury on Grenada, combining flawless service with modern architecture on a beach of bone-white sand and blue-green sea. The aim, according to Naguib Sawiris, the Egyptian businessman backing the project, is â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;to do something very modern aimed at clients who go to St Barts or Barbados. We want to show these clients that coming to this natureblessed island is worthwhile.â&#x20AC;&#x2122; Building work is due to finish at the end of this year. When complete, there will be nine palatial villas set around a six-star, 44-suite hotel with spa and restaurant. There will be 24-hour service for both villa owners and hotel guests, so if a homeowner desires a lobster salad at 3am, they only have to pick up the phone. For guests who never want to check out, the

villas are currently for sale. The design of these substantial three- and four-bedroom houses â&#x20AC;&#x201C; five dotted along the beach and four nestling in the hillside overlooking it â&#x20AC;&#x201C; focuses on outdoor living, unrivalled luxury and high-quality design. Each villa comes with its own pool, and some of the bedrooms also have outdoor showers and plunge pools. There is a seamless flow between exterior and interior thanks to spacious terraces with outdoor dining areas. One of the villas will be retained by Mr Sawiris himself, demonstrating both his attachment to the project and a commitment to ensuring standards are kept high after the project is complete. The 100-metre hotel pool is thought to be the longest in the Caribbean and is surrounded by daybeds. The hotel restaurant will serve fish hand-caught from the sea that forms the spectacular view in front of it. Grenada airport is a 10-minute drive away â&#x20AC;&#x201C; you can fly there directly from London in just over eight hours â&#x20AC;&#x201C; and the sailing and diving is among the best in the Caribbean, with manta rays circling the waters. Sailors flock here, attracted by the Camper & Nicholsons Port Louis Marina, which offers a full-service

marina in a beautiful lagoon just outside the islandâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s capital, St Georgeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s. â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;You can get Grenadian citizenship if you purchase at Silversands, which makes it attractive to people who are tax planning and want the security of a second passport,â&#x20AC;&#x2122; says James Burdess, director of the Savills Caribbean desk. â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Another attraction is that you can really get away from everyone and everything in Grenada. You can swim in waterfalls, pick wild fruit, go for a picnic and not see anyone else, which you canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t do in many places in the Caribbean.â&#x20AC;&#x2122; For further information, please contact James Burdess, director of the Caribbean desk at Savills, on 020 7205 2432 | www.savills.com

Courtesy of Camper & Nicholsons Port Louis Marina


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What’s it like to be...

argaret Rhodes once said her first cousin, the Queen, drives ‘like a bat out of hell’ – so, yes, I do have a great affinity with Her Majesty. So much so that I, along with several thousand of my own cousins, am quite happy to let her stay with us at Balmoral. We have tried to offer her moths when she’s in residence, because hosts ought to provide food for their guests, but so far she has declined. I would be the first to invite HM for a night under one of the old bridges, in a hollow tree or a natural crevice, but I’ve heard rumours that she doesn’t sleep upside down (she’s so interesting and different). She also doesn’t have an echolocation system like we do (awkward) – it stops us crashing into things when we’re flying. Nor

T HAT ’ S A L L , FO L K S!

TATLER.COM

does she have ears the same length as her body. Imagine that. She quite understands that we’d rather not stay inside like she does, and I’ve heard a rumour that she sometimes carefully removes the cousins herself with a butterfly net if anyone strays inside the castle. We have a kind of crèche arrangement in some of the houses on the estate where we form maternity colonies during the summer – and, again, Prince George and Princess Charlotte would be most welcome to join if the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge were so inclined (does anyone know if they’re reading this? Can we pass that on somehow?). As told to Clare Bennett While the Balmoral bats waved to the general public on the bat walks, Her Majesty denied all knowledge of errant speedometers.

PHOTOGRAPH: IVAN KUZMIN/ALAMY

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