indescribable ease. I swear another half an hour passes before I get to go into recovery, a very uncomfortable thirty minutes. The recovery room is depressing. It’s dark, and the woman to my left is nursing her newborn and husband by her side. The nurses are short with me, as if they are at the tail end of a twelve hour shift. Sarah is giving updates to everyone, as Lindsey comes to check on me. “How are Daniel and the baby?” I immediately ask. “Daniel and Emma are doing great. He is such a proud Dad! You gave a wonderful Christmas gift today. Do you still not want to see Emma until the papers are signed tomorrow?” Lindsey asks. “Yeah, it’s probably best that way. I don’t want to have any chance to change my mind. I can’t do that to Daniel, Elsa or Emma,” I reply confidently. Morning comes too fast. It’s time to sign the papers. After the paperwork is complete, the nurse walks me over to the nursery where Emma is. I immediately know which baby is her. “Oh, okay,” I say when I see her for the first time. I turn around and slowly shuffle back to my room. The face I put on for these people scares me. So confident on the outside, but I feel like I’m dying. Like someone took my soul out of my body, empty, sad, and alone. I spend my night yearning, bawling, and weeping. The release 86
is like an avalanche, uncontrollable, yet I welcome it as it wipes out all the things in my past and lays a fresh foundation for my future. It’s a new day and Daniel wants me to spend some alone time with Emma, just the two of us with no one to analyze me. I appreciate his empathy and trust, as this can’t be easy for him either. I sing to Emma, tell her how much I love her, and just stare at her for hours while she lies asleep in my arms. Now I understand what it is like to be a mother, I feel what it is like to be a mother, a person I never thought I could be. Elsa bursts through my door, tears streaming down her face, and before even looking at Emma, or Daniel or anyone, she runs to me and gives me the biggest hug and the biggest kiss on the cheek. I smile, reminded again why I chose Elsa to be Emma’s mom and hand Elsa her new baby girl. I quietly say “congratulations”. Elsa’s face lights up. The room goes silent. A flash lights up the room. Daniel has his camera on Elsa so he could capture her face the very first time she sees Emma. Her eyes radiate an unconditional love I have never witnessed before. The only sound in the room is Elsa’s joyful, thankful sobbing as she holds her daughter. It is in this moment that I realize the gift I had given.