Uncle Andy's Digest - September 2013
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UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST GET YOUR DIGEST ON! FREE .com September 2013 COLLEGE NIGHT Welcome Back Party!! 4-7pm 7pm Valid on College Night Only 9/18/13 5pm-close Wednesday, Sept. 18th • 5pm-close $3 Crazy Sushi Rolls • Live Music • Bar Games! food in the lounge when you present your student or faculty ID Dino 20% OFF LIQUID SUNSHINE CAR WASH & DETAIL 40 East Ave., Lewiston 795-6888 Armandsab@aol.com Treat her gently, guys! Will do, Rick! See the back cover to see how we did. 865 Sabattus St., Lewiston • 333-3004 Top Ten Signs You've Bought a Lemon of a Car Submitted by Jim Benson Never trust an atom. They make up everything. 10. Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags. 9. The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill. 8. The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle. 7. The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk." 6. The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus. 5. Traffic Watch warns other drivers what highway you're taking. 4. The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries Not Included." 3. You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coals. 2. You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing. 1. When you approach hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down. Uncle Andyâ€™s Digest ...with Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? Lewie &â€ˆClark Jimbo 2 September 2013 783-7039 The key to a good home based business is discipline. So every morning I get up at 5am and go straight to my computer and sleep in the chair until 7. I'm in the prime of my life: in that 53 is an irreducible integer. MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA SEPTEMBER 2013 Thursday, Sept 5th Schemengee’s 4 – 7pm (Chapter 10589) 551 Lincoln St, Lewiston $7.50 Member; $8.50 Guest Sunday, Sept 8th KC Breakfast 8am – 10am (Chapter 7938) Columbus Dr, Brunswick $4 Member; $5 Guest Child/under 10 free Tuesday, Sept 10th Luiggi’s 4 – 7pm (Chapter 12907) 63 Sabattus Street, Lewiston $4.50 Member; $5.50 Guest Thursday, Sept 12th Center St Café 7 – 10am (Chapter 12749) 945 Center St. Auburn $5 per Member; $5.50 Guest Sunday, Sept 15th Flagship Cinema (Chapter 8609) Lewiston/Auburn $4 Member; $5 Guest Tuesday, Sept 17th Dairy Queen 4 – 7pm (Chapter 14346) 661 Minot Ave, Auburn $4.50 Member; $5 Guest Tuesday, Sept 24th Pizza Hut 11:30 – 1pm (Chapter 10929) Rt 26, Norway $5 Member; $5.50 Guest Wednesday, Sept 25th Grid Iron 4 – 7pm (Chapter 14437) 1567 Lisbon St. Lewiston $8 Member; $9 Guest TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to change. If additional info is needed, please call our office, please do not call restaurants. All activities can only be attended at the times listed. ************************* Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs 9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833. I was looking for a career. I think that pyrotechnics spark my interest. Uncle Andy’s Digest MAILING ADDRESS: PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL: editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207 783-7039 FAX: 207 777-3898 I was in court today with the airline over missing luggage. They lost the case. QUALITY CUSTOM DENTURE WORK Affordable Dentures Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service! www.UncleAndys.com Staff JIMBO #3 off to College FREE CONSULTATIONS Mike & Joe Adkins, licensed denturists Most Dental Insurances Accepted • We also accept Credit & Debit Cards UNCLE ANDY America’s Most Wanted SMILE AGAIN DENTURES 801 Webster Street, Lewiston MAGGIE Maggie May 514-0660 www.smileagaindentures.com See us for: • Full Dentures • Immediate Dentures • Rebases • Relines • Repairs MARTY Straight up the Middle ANGIE Bachelorette No More Pinning pictures on a bulletin board seems a bit tacky to me. TOM Trailer without Wheels PAM Triple Duty Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212 While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in our client’s advertisements and our publication in general, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies, product pricing errors, or omissions. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo 4 September 2013 783-7039 Continental Congress changed the name of the United Colonies to the United States on September 9, 1776. Mice, whales, elephants, giraffes and man all have seven neck vertebra. Out ’n About at the Gippers Open KITCHEN Solutions DESIGN & SALES CENTER I’m coming for YOU! Autumn Raymond 995 Center St. Auburn Next to Appliance Warehouse and Gamache & Lessard Window Decorators Pay no attention to what is behind my hand! 784-3100 Visit our brand new showroom Specials on Cabinets & Granite Countertops 10x12 OAK KITCHEN WITH COUNTERTOP Bruce Moe Morin $1,999 Stacy Sarah Wanser and Jasmine Clarke Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo www.KitchenSolutionsMaine.com How do Vikings communicate? Norse code. 5 Out ’n About at the Gippers Open Official Ricky Fowler Apparel Consultant What did the papa buffalo say to the baby buffalo as he went to work? Bison! Jay Novella THE KIDS ARE BACK IN SCHOOL, NOW IT’S TIME TO GET BACK TO YOU! Fabulous Fall Packages ❧ Herbal Body Wraps ❧ Pumpkin Sugar Scrub ❧ After Sun Treatment ❧ Autumn Package ❧ Harvest Package Book your appointment & buy gift cards right on our website! We are a full service salon ❧ Hair ❧ Body Waxing ❧ Facials ❧ Pedicures ❧ Spa Packages ❧ Massage ❧ Electrology ❧ Manicures ❧ Bridal Packages ❧ Permanent Make-up These Gipper’s girls are up to no good... AGAIN! Dave Rossingnol & Paul Landry 24/7 available Gift Cards om! .c ls ie ss at ca We’re gonna plaster these guys with water balloons... they won’t see what hit ‘em! We sell a full line of Bare Escentuals Mineral Makeup www.cassiels.com 71 EAST AVENUE • LEWISTON Autumn, Sarah & Angelique Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo (207) 783-3321 Specials “I need my sleep. Eight hours a day, and about ten at night.” – Bill Hicks 6 September 2013 783-7039 There was a fight in the candy store. Two suckers got licked. CELEBRATING COFFEE FRIDAY! Free 20 oz. coffee with purchase of Breakfast Sandwich every Friday in September! IN BUSINESS Your Choice (Ham, Pepperoni, Veggie or Salami) FREE On $ ly 10 Giant 1-topping pizza or 2 Large Boghooters or 3 Large Italians or 2 Small Appetizers (Breaded Mushrooms, Broccoli & Cheese, Jalapeno Poppers or Mozzarella Sticks) There’s NO PLACE like... 23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info "I am thankful to all those who said NO. Because of them, I did it myself." – Albert Einstein Dad’s Place One Stop Shop for Catering... Dad’s does it all! Weddings Summer BBQ Corporate Functions Hot & Cold Buffet-Style Catering Indoor or Outdoor Professional service at an affordable price Call Diana or Larry for more info and pricing! Reunions We can accommodate any size party small, large or enormous! Ask us about Tents, Tables, Chairs, Dance Floor, etc. for your event re’s ... The like E C A O PL N Dad’s Place Catering Division • 345-9009 Real diamonds do not show up on x-ray. Sept. 2013 www.dadsplace.info Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo 9 Out ’n About at the Gippers Open Monthly observances in September include: Apple Month, Chicken Month, and Little League Month. • • • • Marine Canvas (Boats/Yachts) Cushions (Boat/Home) Upholstery (Boat/Home/Auto) Metal Fabrication • Repair Call about FREE Boat Storage for Winter Work You really want to mess with all of this!? 41 Millett Drive • Auburn, Maine 04210 783-5600 Joel Cummings Colby, Chris, Sarah & Autumn No Registration FEE When you enroll in September We offer preschool & toddler programs, separate rooms for each age group, and a large outdoor play area! Early Learning Center Now let’s talk about who’s #1. Steve LeBlanc & John Whited Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo 946-KIDS NEW HOURS! 6am - 6pm 301 Sawyer Rd. • Greene Did you know A termite can live 30 years? 10 September 2013 783-7039 Because heat expands the metal, the Eiffel Tower always leans away from the sun. Walking or Riding Submitted by Jimbo WOW! Don’t spend $18 at the beauty salon, get your... Mens & Boys CUTS for $ All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome. 12 Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts Marcel’s Barber Shop 54 Mill Street, New Auburn 783-3444 OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm Larry is playing a round of golf with his buddies. On the sixth hole, a hole over water, he proceeds to flub nine balls into the water. Frustrated over his poor golfing ability, and about ready to hit somebody, he heaves his golf clubs into the water, and begins to walk off the course. Then all of a sudden he turns around and jumps in the lake, his buddies apparently thinking he is going to retrieve his clubs. When he comes out of the water he doesn't have his clubs and begins to walk off the course again. Then one of his buddies asks, "Why did you jump into the lake?" Larry said, "I left my car keys in the bag." Brad’s Precision Auto ANY MAKE... ANY MODEL... ANY PROBLEM... NO PROBLEM! • Appointments required, please call first • Fully warranteed & certified • $58/hr labor rate Brad Ryan Call us today! Steve 144 Riverside Dr., Auburn 333-0364 Since 1954 e m o r d l o l Ro Where Good Skaters Meet EGINS SEPT. 7 th B FALL SCHEDULE Available for private parties 7:30-10pm ts - Ages 20+ Thursday Nigh 30 - 10:00 - All Skating 7: Friday Nights 30 - 4:00pm Sat. & Sun. - 1: pm ght 7:30 - 10 ts - Family Ni Saturday Nigh pm 10 30 - All SK8 • 7: Sunday Night Riddle Me This Q: Joe was out for a walk when it started to rain. He did not have an umbrella and he wasn't wearing a hat. His clothes were soaked, yet not a single hair on his head got wet. How could this happen? A: Joe is bald. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo 12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940 www.rollodrome.com The smell of freshly cut grass is actually a plant distress call. 11 Out ’n About at the Gippers Open Some daze I just can’t seem to focus. Not liking this... Never mind, I’m fine Dan LeClerc New Texas Hold ‘em Auburn Sunday, September 22nd Social Annual Lobster Feed Club Sunday, September 15th $50.00 Buy in Starts at 11 am • Doors Open at 10 am Choice of Twin Lobsters or Surf & Turf Baked Potatoes, Corn & Clams $15/pp 7 Second Street, Auburn • 782-9039 Last Tuesday of every month Officers meeting at 6pm sharp at Rolly’s Happy Hour Noon - 1pm Eating starts at 2pm Pam Ashby & Geno Veilleux Teachers Make a Difference! Let them know with flowers!! Watch out for flying water balloons. Ann’s Flowers 14 Millett Drive, Auburn AnnsFlower.com My friend and I are going to drive across the southern states of America, just to see how long it Texas. Ryan Lagasse & Scott Landry Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo 782-3457 12 September 2013 783-7039 Did you know: Sesame Street was nearly called 123 Avenue B. It was changed as this was a real address in New York City. Hunting Trip Submitted by Maggie Joyce Auburn Plaza Family Dentistry Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D. Jimbo and Uncle Andy hired a pilot to fly them into the far north for some elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk, but the pilot objected. He said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind." One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year. Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. When they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, Uncle Andy said to Jimbo, "Do you know where we are?" "I think so," replied Jimbo. "Yep! I think this (continued on next page) Same Day Emergency Care Visit us at our newly renovated state of the art office at: 730 Center Street Mon.-Fri. 7am - 5pm Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza 783-1351 auburnplazafamilydentistry.com We are a preferred Northeast Delta provider Ontario is the only Canadian Province that borders the Great Lakes. Uncle Andyâ€™s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo 13 (continued from previous page) is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!" Walking in a circle is pointless. Riddle Me This Q: Golden treasures I contain, guarded by hundreds. Stored in a labyrinth where no man walks, yet men come often to seize my gold. By smoke I am overcome and robbed, then left to build my treasure anew. What am I? A: A beehive HIT THE TRAILS THIS FALL IN YOUR NEW ARCTIC CAT ATV! SHARE OUR PASSION SPORT SHOP, Inc 84 Littlefield Road, Auburn • 782-4917 (off Hotel Road & across from Merrow Road) AMES Lawn Ornaments Uncle Andy at a counter of a lawn ornament shop: "Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink flamingos, two of the sunflowers, and one of those bent-over grandma’s in bloomers." Cashier’s reply: "That'll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten dollars for the flamingos, six dollars for the sunflowers, and an apology to my wife!" Fancy Roman Numerals? No sir, not on my watch! We Insure ALL of Your FALL TOYS Call or stop in today for a FREE quote! 9 South Main St, Mechanic Falls (207) 345-8711 CummingsAgency.com email us your auto questions at email@example.com Have an automotive problem? Ask the Auto Guys 183 Lisbon Street • Lisbon 353-9862 qualitycareautorepair.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo A lightning bolt is 5 times hotter than the surface of the sun. 14 September 2013 783-7039 Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing. We specialize in vehicle wraps and lettering. After September 8, 2013 On September 8th, the Lake Auburn Half, 5K and Bike Tour (Moving ME Forwardâ€™s largest fundraiser) will again start at Lost Valley Ski Area and include a Half Marathon, a Half Marathon Relay, a 5K walk, a 5K team run, a 5K run, two Kids Fun Runs, a Bike Tour and a Corporate Event. The Half Marathon and Bike Tour will take a trip around Lake Auburn on closed roads that provide a wonderful picturesque backdrop for this community event. There will be an Expo, package pick up, refreshments, and guest speakers at the Hilton Garden Inn on September 7th, from 2:00 p.m to 6:00 p.m. For more information, please see their website at Lakeauburnhalf.com or find them on Facebook (Lake Auburn Half, 5K and Bike Tour). SAVE 20% on your next order! Go to: eastcoastsigndesign.com Before September only Fill out our new quote page and SAVE!! www.eastcoastsigndesign.com Cats in Halifax, Nova Scotia, have a very high probability of having six toes. Predicting the Future When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. Thanks for picking us up and Shopping LOCAL! Tsunamis (tidal waves) travel as fast as jet planes. Uncle Andyâ€™s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo 15 Out ’n About at the Gippers Open Andy! Look out!! Did you know: Honeybees have hair on their eyes. Andy Brooker Why do I get stuck keeping score? Mike Kelly knows what he’s doing... really. That’s Captain John to you. John Linnell Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo London's Pall Mall became the first street lit by gaslight in 1807. 16 September 2013 783-7039 You may say that I'm a dreamer: the clinical term is narcoleptic. KIDS! You Gotta Love ’em We Have the Loan for YOU! Low Rates • Fast Approvals Call Michele, Dane or Ken today! Great Falls Federal Credit Union 34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 • 760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500 *Restrictions & qualification apply GreatFallsfcu.com I hired a private origami tutor and I must say the quality of my work has improved tenfold! Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo 17 KIDS! You Gotta Love ’em Did you ever notice how a woman's "I'll be ready in 5 minutes" and a guys "I'll be home in 5 minutes" are one and the same? Check out our newest location 686 Sabattus St., Lewiston Censored Featured Inventory 2003 VW Beetle, 5spd 2004 Jeep Grand Sp. Ed. 2005 Honda Element EX 109K, Dk. Blue, $5,995 96K, Blue, $7,995 119K, Orange, $8,995 2002 BMW X5, Leather, AWD, 150k, Silver . . . . . . .$8,995 2002 Nissan Maxima, Auto, Roof, 112k, Green . . . .$5,995 2007 Volvo XC90, AWD, Loaded, 113k, Silver . . . .$10,995 2005 Volvo V50, Auto, Leather, 138k, Blue . . . . . . .$6,995 2002 Volvo S60, AWD, Loaded, 158k, Green . . . . . .$4,500 2003 Mitsubishi Lancer, 105k, Graphite . . . . . . . . . .$4,995 2003 Oldsmobile Alero GLI, Auto, 72k, Red . . . . . . .$4,795 2003 Pontiac Grand Am, Auto, 4 cyl, Silver . . . . . . .$4,695 2004 VW Jetta, 5 speed, Roof, 148k, Silver . . . . . . .$5,250 2004 VW Passat, 1.8T, 5 speed, 120k, Lt. Blue . . . .$5,900 2003 VW Beetle, 5 speed, Leather, 109k, Dk. Blue .$5,995 2003 VW Passat GLX, 5 speed, 121k, Lt. Blue . . . . .$6,395 2007 Jeep Compass Sport, 4WD, 123k, Black . . . . .$7,495 2004 Jeep Grand, Special Edition, 96k, Blue . . . . . .$7,995 2004 Scion xA, 5 speed, 4 cyl, 127k, Black . . . . . . .$5,500 2005 Audi A4, 1.8T, Auto, 110k, White . . . . . . . . . . .$9,700 2005 Ford Expedition Eddie Bauer, 93k, Black . . .$11,500 2005 Honda Element EX, 4WD, 119k, Orange . . . .$8,995 2006 Honda Civic LX, 5 speed, 104k, Tan . . . . . . . .$8,795 520-0028 Call 520-0028 • 686 Sabattus St. • Lewiston View our entire inventory online @ www.IndependentAuto.Me Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo A queen bee uses her stinger only to sting another queen bee. 18 September 2013 783-7039 The life boat was patented in 1845. The Misplaced Engineer Submitted by Thomas Hill Auto Center It’s never too early to get your vehicle ready for winter! Come see us today! Mike Morin’s $10.00 Discount! LIKE us on Facebook Receive 1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433 autorepairsauburnmaine.com • Hours: Open Monday-Thursday 7-5pm • Friday 7-Noon An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's going on? The Devil replies, "Things are great down here since you sent us that engineer." "What? An engineer? I didn't send you one of those, that must have been a mistake. Send him back up right this minute." The Devil responds, "No way! We are going to keep our engineer. We like this guy." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo Mike Morin OIL CHANGE Up to 5 qts. Most Vehicles (Not including Diesels or Heavy Trucks) $24.95 FRONT END ALIGNMENTS $79.95 Did you know: There are 488 million users regularly using Facebook mobile. It takes about a week to make a jelly bean. 19 Out ’n About at the ELHS 30th Reunion 30 years later & still looking good! Uncle Andy: “Sometimes I wrap myself in bows and call myself gifted...” The Back Forty Used 2012 Chevy Malibu 1LT 2013 Ford Focus S 2011 Honda CRV-SE 2011 Honda Pilot EX-L 4x4 FALL CLEARA Jamie (James) & John Anderson 2.4L 4 Cyl, Gold, 2.0L 4 Cyl., Manual 38K, 4dr Auto. 6 Spd. 5Spd., 10K, Silver our price our price Blue, 2.4L 4 Cyl., 55K, Auto. 5-Spd. our price 3.5L V6, Auto. 5 speed, Maroon, 32k, 4WD our price $15,995 $14,995 Joe & Jen Rawls $19,495 2011 Toyota Camry SE $28,995 2012 Scion 2011 KIA SORENTO 2011 Toyota Highlander Tuscan Olive, 3.5L V6 4WD SUV, 44K Karen & Randy Robichaud our price 18K, 3.5L V6, Auto. Blue, 2.5L 4cyl., Auto. 2.5L 4cyl, Automatic 6-Spd., 34K, 4dr. 5-Spd. Maroon, AWD 6 Spd., 13k, 2dr our price our price our price $24,995 $17,995 $16,995 $17,995 Pam (Jordan) Veilleux, Sonya (Malcolm) Porter & Jodi (Miller) Bennett Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo If you're over 100 years old, there's an 80% chance you're a woman. 20 September 2013 783-7039 A shepherd once told me to count his 37 sheep and then round them up. So I told him there were 40. d Car & Truck Center 2012 Hyundai Sonota Hybrid 2010 Toyota Camry LE 2008 Toyota Corolla CE ANCE SALE!! Out ’n About at the ELHS 30th Reunion 30 years later & still looking good! 2011 Jeep Wrangler Sport Sonya (Malcolm) Porter, Jim Marston & Sandy (Schmidt) Barnich 2.4L 4 Cyl., Auto., Black, 5k, 4 Dr. our price Tan, 2.5L 4cyl., Auto. 6 Spd. 35k, 4dr our price Blue, 1.8L 4cyl., Red, 3.8L V6, 4 Spd. Manual 5 Spd. 84k, 4dr VLP 29k, 4WD our price our price $22,995 2010 Jeep Liberty Sport $15,995 2007 Hyundai Sonata Limited $8,995 2010 Honda CRV-EX-L $28,995 2008 Ford Escape XLT Tim Towle & Elaine Gammon Silver, 3.7L V6, Auto. 4WD, 48K, our price Silver, 3.3L V6, 76k, 4dr our price Gray, Auto, 5 Spd. 51k, 4WD, SUV our price Silver, 3.0L V6. Auto 4 Spd. 64k, 4WD SUV our price Andy Capwell won the 50/50 and donated the cash back to the class $16,995 $11,995 $19,995 $12,995 Dawn Daye There are no rental cars in Bermuda. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo 21 The bark of an older redwood tree is fireproof. Please Help Support Brock Thompson's family Brock was taken from us on August 11th due to a tragic ATV accident. Leaving behind a wife and three children. Please join us! When: September 7th 4-7pm Where: New Gloucester Bible Church, 218 Lewiston Rd, New Gloucester What: Spaghetti Dinner, 50/50 Raffle, Bake Sale and Silent Auction All proceeds to benefit the Thompson Family. If you or your business would like to donate an item or service to the silent please contact Lisa @ 522-1651. Some items donated to date: massages, photo sessions, night at the Regency in New Hampshire, and many more. To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles visit our website: www.donovansauto.com Stop by, call or click today! 946-7515 â€˘ 1-800-811-8856 Most people who read the word 'yawning' will yawn! Please tell your friends and spread the word. Uncle Andyâ€™s Digest ...with Jimbo 22 September 2013 783-7039 The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado! From 2-button to 3-button to double breasted suits, we have what you need to dress to impress! Dress to Impress Out ’n About at the Gippers Open ALL SUITS available for purchase Mel Novella and friend $ 199 S&J Tuxedos & Limo Service 76 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • 333-3737 www.sjtuxedos.com Brownies ARE a health food... if you count mental health. Trust me, it tastes good. Does not include tailoring. Out ’n About at the Balloon Festival Christina Metzler, Sarah Major & Blake Major I smile because I won the 50/50 John Fournier You have plenty of time. There are 86,400 seconds in a day. Everyday. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo 23 Out ’n About at the ELHS 30th Reunion 30 years later & still looking good! Crickets hear through their knees. SABATTUS MAIN STREET MARKET 2 Main Street, Sabattus, ME 04280 • 207-375-8502 Open 7 Days a Week 6am-8pm Dan LeBrun & Chip LeBlanc tied for having the best Hawaiian shirt 2 LARGE 1 TOPPING PIZZAS & a 2 LITER OF SODA $ ✂ Heather Condon & Arthur Desjardins 19.99 Limit 1 per customer UAD Expires 9/30/13 Witches parking only: All others will be toad. Megan & Mya Landry with Prince Daughters (& pup) of Bruce Landry of Kitchen Solutions Oh, the things I have to do for my humans... Kelly (Lewis) & Dave Dyer Robin (Lewis) & Lee Ellingwood Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets combined. 24 September 2013 783-7039 I saw a theatrical production about puns. It was a play on words. Out â€™n About at the ELHS 30th Reunion 30 years later & still looking good! Andrea Philbrick & Dave Marcotte Coreen & Kevin Sturtevant David Purington Caleb Morris is a 10 year old boy who loves Moto cross racing. He was diagnosed with a form of cancer called Rhabdomyosarcoma, commonly referred to as RMS, is a type of cancer, specifically a sarcoma (cancer of connective tissues). He and his family live in Turner and travel to Scarborough almost daily for treatment. Please consider attending this benefit and donating what you can to help the family pay for the enormous medical bills associated with cancer treatment. Eric Austin That whole 'I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine' thing doesn't work so well with cats. Uncle Andyâ€™s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo 25 My doctor told me to cut down on sodium, but I’m taking his advice with a pinch of salt. (Sales tax not included) FREE 2-liter Soda with purchase of any Large Pizza Bookkeeping Plus QuickBooks Classes Offered Bookkeeping Services 9 Grove Street, Auburn • 782-8124 Large Dagwood 8-pc Roadies Bone-in Snack $ $ 4.99 9.89 You Know You're in a Small Town When... The local doctor, the veterinarian (same person) still makes house calls. HARRIS BROTHERS PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268 Call us! No Separating Required! 743-3891 HARRIS BROS. SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARIS MINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD Blackie’s Farm Fresh Produce Quality Used Furniture at affordable prices! Buying Single Items or Entire Estates! 386 Minot Avenue • Auburn 312-9139 • firstname.lastname@example.org Open Year Round 996 Sabattus St. • Lewiston • 783-7020 Hours: 6am - 8pm 966 Minot Ave. • Auburn • 786-0005 t Comfor n a C u Yo n! O t n u o C GOT HEAT?? FREE Pre-winter Checkup With Ad Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. 26 September 2013 783-7039 Uncle Andy: How dare you incinerate that I don't know big words. KIDS! You Gotta Love ’em Did you know... Heidi's makes Delicious PLATTERS and BOXED LUNCHES for your business meetings, staff luncheons and gatherings? Locally Owned & Operated 600 Turner Street, Auburn heidisauburn.com Ask about ou r Gluten F ree options. 784-3434 HOURS: Mon-Sat 7am-9pm • Sun 10am-8pm Dear Santa, for 2014, I'd like a fat bank account and a slim body. And please don't mix up the two like you did last year. Heart of Hope Breast Cancer Fundraiser Let’s Rock Against Cancer! September 28th 7pm – Midnight at the Carriage House, 1119 Lisbon St, Lewiston $ $ Tickets 1 0 in adva nce 15 at the door Live music by the Veggies! Raffles & Live Auction Tickets are available at: Republic Jewelry 212 Center St in Auburn Call Chrissy @ 784-4444 for tickets or to make a donation. Contact Mitch/Carlene Sperry @ 754-0709 Carlene Sperry, a 10 year Breast Cancer survivor, is the founder of the Heart of Hope Charitable Fund. For over 10 years she has raised money to help local women/men fighting this terrible disease. Carlene has designed a line of Breast Cancer jewelry which includes pendants & earrings to help raise money for her charitable fund. Her jewelry line is sold exclusively at Republic Jewelry which helps raise money along with her annual events. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM There's a lot to be said for being a man of few words. Jimbo 27 Alligator Shoes Submitted by Thomas Hill My uncle laughed about my aunt's curio cabinet. And he knows I hate knick knack jokes. Uncle Andy was on vacation in the swamps of Louisiana. He really wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes to bring back for his wife but didn't want to pay the high prices the local stores were charging. After becoming very frustrated with the local shopkeepers, Uncle Andy shouted, "I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper replied, "Good luck! Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, Uncle Andy turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching himself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, and he spots Uncle Andy standing waist deep in the water, rope in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward him. He lunges, wraps himself around the beast and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more alligators all tied up. Completely amazed, (continued on next page) 2004 Mitsubishi Eclipse 2008 Outback 2.5i Wagon $9,950 GTS 84K, White, Auto., 6 Cyl. $10,450 106K, Green, Auto., Alloy Wheels, AWD 2006 Subaru Impreza Outback Sport 2004 Jeep Liberty Limited $9,950 Blue, Auto., 145K, Alloy Wheels, AWD $7,950 Red, 133K, Auto., 4WD, Alloy Wheels 2008 Subaru Legacy 2.5i 2006 Nissan Xterra SE 4WD $9,950 Special Edition, 131k, Blue, 5 Speed Manual $9,950 AWD, 142K, Bronze, Auto., 6-Cyl 4.0L V6 DOHC 24V 2010 Subaru Outback Limited All Subarus Come With: • 12-month/12,000 miles Warranty on all Head Gasket Issues • Vehicles fully serviced and maintained in-house • In-house direct lending available $22,950 Pewter, 76K, AWD, Heated Leather Seats, Parking Asst. www.rjbandson.com I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you’ve seen it. – Steven Wright Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo 28 September 2013 783-7039 (continued from previous page) Did you know: It takes the average snail 115 days to travel a mile. Cigars are back! Check out our great selection the shopkeeper got out of his car and walked toward Uncle Andy. Just then he flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts up at the shopkeeper, "Ugh! This one isn't wearing shoes either!!" Riddle Me This Q: I have two arms, but fingers none. I have two feet, but cannot run. I carry well, but I have found I carry best with my feet OFF the ground. What am I? A: A wheelbarrow. J.T. REID’S GUNS Call for the next N.R.A. Pistol Course Full Line Gunsmith Service Jamie Pelletier, Manager We buy, sell & trade jtreidsgunshop.com 86 Court St., Auburn 9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat John Reid, Owner 777-3579 Shin Guards Submitted by Jimbo Without geometry, life is pointless. 777-3339 Get Your Remote Starter NOW before the Rush! After I had injured one of my shins for the umpteenth time, my doctor suggested I wear some sort of protection. Remembering the shin guards I wore when I played soccer over 60 years ago, I went to a local sporting goods store. I'm a petite, elderly woman, so when a young man came to help me, I said, "Don't laugh, but I'm looking for a pair of shin guards for soccer." "Okay," he said with a completely straight face. "What position do you play?" Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo CS700 S 2W900 FMR 216 Center Street, Auburn Next to Republic Jewelry, Parking in back of building soundeffectsmaine.com What is a mosquito's favorite sport? Skin-diving. 29 Out ’n About at the ELHS 30th Reunion 30 years later & still looking good! Local Restaurants & Entertainment Large Groups Welcomed Call Ahead Full Bar • Free Parking Lounge • Dining Room Private Function Rooms “Best Seafood Restaurant” Ten years in a row. Jeff Goss, Dave Marcotte & Tom Swift Award Winning Chowder Family Owned for 3 Generations Sue Marston & Michelle Grenier 165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 Open Tuesday - Sunday • villageinnmaine.com Some of my proudest moments have been when a website told me my password was “Very Strong.” The Rawson family (back): Paul, Mackenzie & (front): Connor & Keegan Tony & Jodi (Miller) Bennett Caitlin Caitlin was the winner of our social media contest (2 hot air balloon ride tickets) that ran on the Uncle Andy’s Digest Facebook page. She was randomly chosen from 17,600 entries! Riddle Me This Q: How would you rearrange the letters in the words ‘new door’ to make one word? There is only one correct answer. A: O-N-E W-O-R-D Jimbo to Uncle Andy: Just because your head is pointed, that doesn't mean you're sharp. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo Thank you SO MUCH Uncle Andy’s Digest!!! We got to be part of the chase crew! Caitlin & Paul flew on the Friday night launch (8.16.13) The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world. 30 September 2013 783-7039 He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever. — Chinese Proverb Still Waiting Submitted by Jimbo VOTED #1 Casual Restaurant & Best Burgers in L/A area After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Sarah decided she had been stood up. Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and hot chocolate, and resigned herself to an evening of TV. No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV when the doorbell rang. Her dad went to the door, and there stood her date. He took one look at Sarah on the couch and gasped. "I'm two hours late and she's still not ready?" as on e s l l a e r y g am e v e g n i Sh o w HD ! lo ng ... i n e te am t i r o v a f h yo u r T Vs ! c t a a m s w a e l p m Co o n o u r 13 Follow us on Twitter @gipperssportsgr 80-Seat Private Function Room Available HOURS: Sun–Thurs 11:00am – 11:00pm • Fri & Sat 11:00am – Midnight 120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com THIRD GRADE SCIENCE: Elephants eat roots, leaves, grasses, and sometimes bark. Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it! Rolly’s Diner is the #1 Restaurant in the State! And I know that from experience. Fun Pun Submitted by Ron Hood Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily • Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu 87 Mill St. New Auburn 753-0171 (for take-out) A mother pig was walking through the barnyard one day with one of her piglets. Suddenly, a raccoon raced out from behind the barn and scared the living daylights out of the mother pig. The little hog laughed to see such sport and the sow jumped over the coon. If you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the joke of the century. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo Adrien Fournier turned 81 on September 4th. He works part time at Foxridge Golf Course Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon Did you know: The Statue of Liberty’s index finger is eight feet long. 31 Practical Marriage Submitted by Jimbo Local Restaurants & Entertainment What’s Going on in September at the Chick! Want us to cater your next event? Food & Beverage – WE DO IT. Buffet style or plated dinners or lunches – WE GOT IT. Platters for 15 or 30 people – WE DO IT. Call us and we will fax you our options. A Pastor was called to a local nursing home to perform a wedding. An anxious old man met him at the door. The pastor sat down to counsel him. The Pastor asked several questions. "Do you love her?" The old man replied, "I guess." "Is she a good Christian woman?" "I don't know for sure," the old man answered. "Does she have lots of money?" asked the pastor. "I doubt it." "Then why are you marrying her?" the preacher asked. "She is allowed to drive at night," the old man said. Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere. We Thank All Our Customers for a Terrific Summer. Business was good in the dining rooms, take out was superb and we catered a number of events. We hope going into fall our success will continue. Thank you for your patronage. • Boiled or Baked Stuffed Lobsters • Fresh Steamer Clams • Stews & Chowders • Loaded Lobster Rolls • Fried, Baked or Broiled Seafood • Prime Rib Au Jus Best Hot Loaded Crusty Lobster Roll Around! with Rings & Coleslaw Fully Stocked Bar Take-out Available on our Full Menu You’re gonna love it! 1472 Lisbon St, Lewiston•376-3870•ChickadeeLewiston.com of Lewiston 0 50 2..5 $112 $ A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. Hunting Season has Started! We Buy, Sell & Trade TopGunofMaine.com Premier indoor shooting range open to the public Riddle Me This Q: I have a neck, but no head. I have two arms, but no hands. What am I? A: A shirt. CONCEALED WEAPON CLASS SAT. SEPT 21ST CALL FOR DETAILS 481 Maine Street, Poland Spring • 998-2806 Open 7-days a week: Monday - Saturday 11am - 7pm; Sunday 12pm - 6pm Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel. 32 September 2013 783-7039 Des Moines, Iowa has the highest per capita Jello consumption in the U.S. Out ’n About at the Balloon Festival BUBBLE TEA ASIAN FUSION & LOUNGE Japanese • Korean Thai • Sushi 730 Center Street, Auburn Auburn Plaza NEXT TO FLAGSHIP CINEMA Try it ! today Floating in a hot air balloon is very, very cool! 376-4855 jasminecafemaine.com Only female mosquitoes bite and drink blood. Nick Brigham & Brooke Garber Out ’n About at the Balloon Festival The view from a neighboring balloon Sharon Lerette, Walter Hill, Cathy McDonald & Paul Colasante volunteering at the booth for the Liberty Festival The Ken Goodman All-stars were shredding it up Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Wearing ridiculously uncomfortable shoes just because they look good is pure shoepidity. Jimbo 33 UAD Trilogies The Uncle Andy’s sales staff, Jimbo, Angie and Uncle Andy, go on a trip to the desert. Jimbo says, "I brought water, so we won't go thirsty." Angie says, "I brought food, so we won't go hungry." Then, they ask Uncle Andy what he brought, and he says, "I brought this car window, so we can roll it down, if we get hot." But wait, there's more! As it turns out, the window Uncle Andy brought came from a stolen car. The three are arrested, taken to jail, and put in separate cells. Somehow, Jimbo manages to get hold of the keys, and unlocks each of their cells. They then proceed to escape through a window. Jimbo goes first, and sees a wall blocking his escape route. He also sees a tall tree next to the wall, which he starts climbing, figuring this was the only way to get past the wall. As Jimbo reaches the top of the wall, a guard on the other side hears him. "Who's there?" asked the guard. Jimbo replies with a (continued on next page) Local Restaurants & Entertainment UNBEATABLE BREAKFAST SPECIALS All breakfast specials include coffee Daily Breakfast Specials served until 11am Fresh Steak Cut & Ground Daily! MONDAY: Two eggs, Sausage, Homefries, Toast .........$4.25 TUESDAY: Two eggs, Cornbeef Hash, Toast.................$4.25 WEDNESDAY: Three Blueberry Pancakes...................$4.25 THURSDAY: French Toast.............................................$4.25 FRIDAY: Two Item Omelette.........................................$4.25 5 Washington Street, Auburn 1 OFF Any Purchase of $500 or more 1 coupon per order Please, no reproduction of coupons $ 783-4304 Mon-Fri 5 am to 8 pm • Sat & Sun 6 am to 8 pm Phone Orders Are Welcome SATURDAY: Two Golden pancakes w/Sausage............$4.25 SUNDAY: French Crepes...............................................$4.25 Prices do not include tax. ✁ Expires 9.30.13 You can't plow a field by turning it over in your mind. Out ’n About at the Edward Little H.S. Class of 1963’s 50th Class Reunion Brian Woodard, Jim Gordan & John White Successful dieters might win the Nobelly prize. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo 34 September 2013 783-7039 You Know You're in a Small Town When... The sheriff, the deputy, and the street cop are all the same person and can be seen on Wednesdays only. (continued from previous page) convincing, "Meow. Meow." "Oh," says the guard, "it's only a cat in a tree." So Jimbo gets away. Angie goes next. She climbs the same tree, and the same guard hears her. "Who's there?" NOW Delivering Take-Out Orders! FREE Delivery within 10 miles Call for more info 345-7040 New Menu! New Kids Eat FREE 12 & under Sunday - Wednesday with paying adult (in Pub only) Happy Hour 4-7pm "Tweet, tweet. Tweet, tweet." "It's only a bird in a tree," the guard mutters. And, last but not least, it is now Uncle Andy’s turn to escape. Now he has been watching the others make their escapes, and he likes their approach. So, he climbs the same tree, to get over the same wall, and meets the same guard. Meanwhile, Uncle Andy has been concentrating what's wrong with that picture? Ok, animal noises. Think animal noises. Of course, the guard hears him, and asks, "Who's there?" "Moooo. Moooo." But wait, there's more! All three escapees are recaptured, and taken, as targets, to the firing range as punishment for their jailbreak. Jimbo, as usual, goes first. They bring him (continued on next page) Rolling Rock Concert Series Featuring Skosh $1 Rolling Rock Food Specials Give-Aways Sept. 20th Entertainment Lineup Sept. 6th . . . .DJ Just Benny Sept. 7th . . . .Madcastle Sept. 13th . . . .DJ Scotty Dawg Sept. 14th . . . .Northern Groove Sept. 20th . . .Skosh (see above) Sept. 21th . . . .Jukebox Night 128 Lewiston St., Mechanic Falls Sept. 27th . . .DJ Scotty Dawg Sept. 28th . . .DJ Will 345-7040 Chad & Roxanne Pearl, owners Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo 35 (continued from previous page) out, and the man in charge yells, "Ready... Aim..." But before he got a chance to continue, Jimbo yells, "Earthquake!!" Everyone ducks and covers, and Jimbo gets away. Next, Angie is brought out. Again, the man in charge yells, "Ready... Aim..." "Tornado!!" They all scatter, and Angie gets away. Finally, they bring Uncle Andy out. Once again, he has been watching the other two, and, once again has been concentrating twice in the same day?! Once again, the man in charge yells, "Ready... Aim..." "Fire!!!" yells Uncle Andy. Local Restaurants & Entertainment SOMETHING Located in the former Chick-a-dee of Turner building FOR EVERYONE! FULL BAR & TAKE OUT AVAILABLE Seafood • Chicken • Steak • Pasta • 2-fer menu • Senior menu • Kids menu FRIED CLAM DINNER Whole belly, crumbs or batter $10.99 LOBSTER ROLL with fries $ 5 OFF UAD • Expires 9.30.13 $8.99 32 Auburn Road, Turner any purchase of $20 or more 225-2777 Like us on Facebook BREAKFAST BUFFET Sat & Sun 8am –11am www.landmarkturner.com Tues & Wed 11am-8pm; Thurs 11am-9pm; Fri-Sun 7am-9pm ✃ One per person, per visit. Cannot be combined with any other offers. Out ’n About at the Edward Little High School Class Reunion Kathy (Lang) & Gary Duesburg Riddle Me This Q: Six glasses are in a row. The first three are filled with milk, and the last three are empty. By moving only one glass, can you arrange them so that the full and the empty glasses alternate? A: Pick up the second glass and pour the milk into the fifth glass and then put it back in the second position. L/A’S HOTSPOT FOR WEEKEND ENTERTAINMENT MONDAYS Hospitality Night 20% OFF total bill TUESDAYS Open Mic Whiskey WEDNESDAYS $1 off Selected Whiskey SEPTEMBER BAND SCHEDULE Fri. Sept. 6th . . . .Pop Rocks 4-7pm Chad Porter 8-11pm Sat. Sept. 7th . . . . . . . .Lewiston HS 30th Class Reunion Sun. Sept. 8th . . . . .MDA w/ Veggies Pigs & Pints Pig Roast $25/pp Fri. Sept. 13th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Haoles Band 9pm Sat. Sept. 14th . . . . . . . . . . . . .DJ Scotty Dawg/Dancing Fri. Sept. 20th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Chad Porter Sat. Sept. 21st . . . . . . . . . . . . . .DJ Scotty Dawg/Dancing Fri. Sept. 27th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Pop Rocks Sat. Sept. 28th . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Veggies Lunches starting at $3.99 THURSDAYS Happy Hour 2pm-closing FRIDAYS Ladies Night SATURDAYS All Day $3.50 Allagash Drafts Never EVER Any Cover!! thefirehousegrille.biz 47 Broad Street, New Auburn • 376-4959 Under the Tent Parties Weddings, Private Parties Up to 200 people•Call for details Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo Did you know: A hummingbird weighs less than a penny. 36 September 2013 783-7039 You Know You're in a Small Town When... The city limits sign is printed on both sides of the same post. Pay just one green fee and a friend plays free. Or, pay for two green fees and two play free. ONE PAYS! TWO PLAY! Out ’n About at the Edward Little H.S. Class of 1963’s 50th Class Reunion 2 for 1 Must present this coupon to receive Monday Night Scrambles 4:30PM Shotgun Start - Every Monday Singles or full teams are accepted ONE FREE GREEN FEE for each paid green fee. Cart fee mandatory for each player. May not be combined with other offers. Good for 18 holes, Monday thru Thursday all day, Friday thru Sunday after 1 p.m. excluding holidays, tournaments and twilight play. ✃Expires 9.30.13 ✃Expires 8.31.12 BUY A 2014 MEMBERSHIP NOW! Golf the remainder of 2013 FREE!! A variety of memberships are available. Call or visit our website for more info. Bill Morrison Route 100 in Gray • Just minutes from Turnpike Exit 63 For tee times contact Ben Morey at 657-2586 GOLF CLUB AT COLE FARMS www.springmeadowsgolf.com Don't believe everything you think. Stan & Joan (Galipeau) DeOrsey WE’RE BETTING You’ll LOVE our food! We’re right on the way to the casino, stop in for a bite. Family-style restaurant serving breakfast & lunch every day! Home of the Double Yolker Wall of Fame Inductee! Dennis Anderson & Jane Ridlon Blue Riddle Me This Q: My thunder rolls beneath me, my lightning flares above. I dust the crust, and when I bust, all I touch will I shove. What am I? A: A volcano I coached him the whole way. Egg-ceptional Restaurant 5 Pigeon Hill Road (Route 26 and 11), Mechanic Falls • 998-5577 Dominic Dymond of Poland Finish a full-size omelette and have your picture put on our wall of fame! Bill Gates designed a traffic control system for Seattle when he was only 15. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo 37 Local Restaurants & Entertainment Earlybird Special $ 5 OFF any two entrees Monday-Friday • 2-4pm ✁Expires 9.30.13 UAD L/A’s Best Steaks macsgrill.com Out ’n About at the Gippers Open Excellent new menu items including chicken, fish, & pasta entreés Call us for your catering needs 1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 783-6885 Did you know: A bee uses 22 muscles to sting someone. Since 1953 www.LuiggisPizzeria.com SUNDAY Baked Ziti Mel, Sarah & Alex MONDAY The Fergy TUESDAY Meatball Subs WEDNESDAY Spaghetti Dinners 1 meatball, salad, garlic bread, drink THURSDAY Mini Pizza Hey, that was actually a good shot... Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with FRIDAY $1.00 OFF Any Large Pizza SATURDAY 2 Ham or Salami Italians with 1.5 Liter Drink EVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $4.99 No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery. Jimbo 38 September 2013 783-7039 You Know You're in a Small Town When... You plug in your electric razor in a motel and the street lights dim. Holding All the Cards Uncle Andy jumped up from the card table white with rage. “Stop this game,” he shouted, “Jimbo is cheating!” “How do you know?” asked the other card players. Every Thursday Action Packed Thursdays Beer Pong Karaoke Line Dancing No Cover Saturdays Happy Hour 8-9pm $ $ 1 Drafts 3 Wells w/ DJ Bset Pubside Sat. Sept. 7th No Cover Benefit for Caleb Morris 10 yr old battling cancer (2nd time) Fri. Sept. 20th Sponge “He's not playing the hand I dealt him,” Uncle Andy responded DJ/Dancing • 50/50 Raffles Fun Pun Submitted by Ron Hood Sat. Sept. 14th $10 Cover Sat. Sept. 28th Civil Disturbance A man who rode in a carpool felt sick whenever they passed under a certain tunnel. His doctor diagnosed this as carpool tunnel syndrome. Riddle Me This Fri. Oct. 11th Back in Black AC/DC Tribute Q: Hank is 33 years old today. This is three times as old as his brother Harvey was when Hank was the age that Harvey is today. How old is Harvey? A: 22. ZUMBA w/ Adrian Kramer Every Monday starting 9/9 Check FB page for times Like us on Facebook to get updates on what’s happenin’ 150 Center St. Auburn • 784-7785 • ClubTexas.info A dragonfly typically has a lifespan of 24 hours. "Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight." – The Swiss Army Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo 39 "Failure is a detour, not a dead-end street." â€“ Zig Ziglar Uncle Andyâ€™s Digest ...with Jimbo 40 September 2013 783-7039 A lot of people cry when they chop onions, but the trick is not to form an emotional bond. The Man of Steel and Iron Man are powerful alloys. Out ’n About at the Balloon Festival Complete, comprehensive dentistry for ages 3 to 103 Karen & Jim Albert New Patients Always Welcome Preventative dentistry cleanings and fillings Cosmetic dentistry whitening, bridges, crowns, implants & more We accept most insurances Financing available Christina Noonan interviewed by Lee Nelson DENTAL ASSOCIATES All Insurances Billed TAYLOR BROOK We participate with CIGNA, Delta Dental--PPO & State of Maine. Nichole, Ron, Chelsea Major & Ashley OUR LOCATION: 27 MILLETT DRIVE, AUBURN, ME 04210 0% Financing Available! (207)784-1577 The view from a balloon above Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo TAYLORBROOKDENTAL.COM When one door closes another one opens, you should really get that cabinet fixed. 41 When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's cute - I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date. We buy used ents! instrum We’ve Got Your Musical Accessories! Guitar strings • Reeds • Valve Oil • Cork Grease • Violin Strings • Mandolin Strings Combination Tuners • Metronomes • Instrument Cleaning Kits & More! We special order books, instruments & accessories. Welcome Homeschool Students! Authorized Service Center Main St. Music Lessons & Instrument Repair 134 Main Street, Auburn • 376-3376 mainstreetmusiclessons.com Out ’n About at the Edward Little H.S. Class of 1963’s 50th Class Reunion These pictures better not end up in one of those tabloid magazines... Out ’n About at the Edward Little H.S. Class of 1963’s 50th Class Reunion Joan (Galipeau) DeOrsey, Joyce (Ouellete) Campbell, Gail (Corette) Sylvester, Linda (Lyon) Anthony (came from England), Jim Gordon Stock Frames FRAMES 8x10 up to 12x16 FRAMES 14x18 up to 24x30 OVER 50 to choose from OVER 25 to choose from Judy Marston Statistics are like bikinis. What they conceal is more important than what they reveal. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo ONLY $10 each ONLY $20 each 75% OFF Ready made metal frames Expert Custom Framing & Quality Personal Service! 786-4333 Along with the best selection of frames and mats for prints, pictures or keepsakes. 23 Cross Street, Auburn Perspiration is odorless; it is the bacteria on the skin that creates an odor. 42 September 2013 783-7039 Special Appearances from: Slugger from the Sea Dogs, Crusher from the Maine Red Claws, Monty the Moose from Community Credit Union and Sparky the Dog from the Lewiston Fire Dept. Saturday, September 28th Noon – 3:00PM Lewiston High School • And Much More! A day dedicated to children’s health, safety and environmental awareness. Join us at Lewiston High School Saturday, September 28th Noon – 3:00PM Out ’n About at the Edward Little H.S. Class of 1963’s 50th Class Reunion It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body. Sue (McCarthy) Hinkley & Joyce (Ouellette) Campbell Can I believe my eyes right now? REGGIE’S SALES & SERVICE Your Local Four Season Power Equipment Dealer Where the Pros shop! 1334 Minot Ave, Auburn • 783-0558 Hours: Monday, Wednesday, Friday 7:00 am - 6:00 pm • Tuesday & Thursday 7:00 am - 5:00 pm • Saturday 8:00 am - 1:00 pm Dandelion root can be roasted and ground as a coffee substitute. Wow! It’s true... here we are in Uncle Andy’s Digest!! Diane (Gagnon) Vreeland Annette (LaRocque) Marx CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC. FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983 OUR TIRES Rod Cameron & Ben Britton • Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections 60 Minot Ave • Auburn Anna Murphy Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo 782-6666 or 783-2026 A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM In Ancient Greece, if a woman watched even one Olympic event, she was executed. 44 September 2013 783-7039 Domestic pigs average a top speed of about 11 miles per hour. BREATHE SAFETM INTERIOR ZERO VOC FINISH FROM MURALO. You want the best for your family, and with Muralo Breathe Safe™ you get just that. Breathe Safe™ is virtually odorless and free of VOC’s, while still keeping the high performance properties you’ve come to expect from a Muralo product. Out ’n About at the Edward Little H.S. Class of 1963’s 50th Class Reunion www.lewistonpaint.com Richard & Ruth Michaud Used Commercial Buildings for Sale bout Ask a ry and e Delivet-up S Joan (Larose) Barrett, Jane (Ridlon) Blue Schiavi Leasing Corp. 103 Airport Rd. • Oxford For more info. Call 539-8211 or 515-1119 Celebrating our 5th Year Anniversary "Helping the environment one job at a time" Call us for a free quote to clean your business Jane (Ridlon) Blue & friend K+L GREEN CLEAN, INC Check us out online at: We are now accepting more small office clients! Riddle Me This Q: A man takes a barrel that weighs 50 pounds, and then puts something in it. It now weighs less than 50 pounds. What did he put in it? A: He put a hole in it. Owner Operated KandLGreenClean.com Check us out online at: KandLGreenClean.com 577-8725 • Kristie@kandlgreenclean.com Lauren & Kristie, owners Did you know: You use 14 muscles to smile and 43 to frown. Keep Smiling! Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo 45 Out ’n About at the Gippers Open “All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.” – Steve Martin OVER 70 VEHICLES IN STOCK New Inventory Arriving Daily Check out www.IndependentAuto.me His name is Mike Peters. 1298 & 131 7 Sabattus St. Inventory 2004 Toyota Sequoia SR5 2005 Chevy Equinox LT 2006 Cadillac SRX CALL FOR PRICE $ 7500 AWD, 117K, Silver $ 10495 AWD, 6cyl., 84K Purple Sarah Wanser & Scott Landry Hey ladies, what club do you think I should use? Leather, 103K, Pewter Daren Cote Well, it appears you’re about 169 yards out. A slight breeze in your face, might I suggest a 6-iron? 2000 Honda Civic EX, 5 speed, 115k, Blue . . . . . . . .$4,795 2008 Saab 9-3, 2.0T, Auto, 115k, Silver . . . . . . . . . .$9,995 2002 Saab 9-3, 140k, Silver . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$3,995 2001 Saab 9-5 Wagon, Leather, 32k, White . . . . . . .$3,995 2006 VW Jetta 2.5, 5 speed, 119k, Silver . . . . . . . . .$7,500 2005 VW Jetta GLS, Auto, 96k, Silver . . . . . . . . . . . .$6,995 2005 VW Passat GLX, 6 cyl, 138k, Blue . . . . . . . . . .$4,995 2003 VW Jetta, 5 speed, Roof, 125k, Silver . . . . . . .$5,495 2003 VW Passat, 122k, Green . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,500 2003 VW Passat GLX, 6 cyl, 108k, Gray . . . . . . . . . .$5,995 2003 VW Passat Wagon, Auto, 114k, Gray . . . . . . . .$5,795 2002 VW Passat Wagon, 1.8T, 139k, Green . . . . . . .$4,995 2002 VW Passat, 5 speed, 1.8T, 100k, Blue . . . . . . .$5,995 2001 VW Jetta VR6, 5 speed, Roof, 95k, Red . . . . . .$5,795 2002 Chrysler Sebring, 5 speed, Loaded, 93k, Silver $4,495 2004 Volvo XC70, AWD, Loaded, 126k, Blue . . . . . . .$7,995 2004 Volvo XC70, AWD, Loaded, 138k, Gold . . . . . .$7,495 2003 Volvo S60, Loaded, Auto, 137k, Silver . . . . . . .$6,495 2002 Volvo S60, AWD, Leather, 101k, Gold . . . . . . .$6,995 2003 Dodge Neon, Auto, Low Miles 58k, Blue . . . . .$5,295 2003 Kia Sedona, Leather, Low Miles 62k, Black . . .$5,000 2004 BMW 3 Series, Wagon, Auto, 117k, White . . .$8,995 2004 Saturn Ion, 5 speed, 4 cyl, 119k, Silver . . . . . .$5,495 2004 Toyota Sequoia SR5, leather, 103k, Pewter . . .Call for price 2004 Toyota Sienna LE, 7 passenger, 114k, White . .$8,495 2007 Chevy Trail Blazer LS, 4WD, 125k, Grey . . . . . .$7,995 2005 Chevy Equinox LT, AWD, 117k, Silver . . . . . . . .$7,500 2006 Jeep Liberty Limited, 4WD, 92k, Blue . . . . . . .$9,495 2005 Jeep Grand Laredo, Leather, 90k, White . . . . .$8,995 2005 Nissan Altima, 5 speed, 2.5S, 131k, Brown . . .$6,400 2005 Subaru Forester, AWD, 2.5XS, 116k, Black . . .$7,995 2006 Cadillac SRX, AWD, 6 cyl, 84k, Purple . . . . . .$10,495 2006 Saab 9-5, 2.3T, Auto, 123k, Silver . . . . . . . . . .$6,295 2007 Mazda 6, 5 speed, Roof, 127k, Silver . . . . . . . .$7,995 Impressive? I think so! Debbie, Amber & Autumn Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo www.independentauto.me • 786-7744 686 Sabattus St. • 1298 Sabattus St. • 1317 Sabattus St. Lewiston McDonald's salads contain up to 60% more fat than their burgers! 46 September 2013 783-7039 The onion is named after the Latin word 'unio' meaning large pearl. Betting on the Church Submitted by Peter Asselyn A Maine Tradition You Can Count On! w/salad & chips DAILY SPECIALS Monday 2 Crabmeat Rolls . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9.99 Tuesday Chicken Parmesan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8.99 w/salad or cole slaw Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips? This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more catholic churches than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This, of course, is done by the Chip Monks. Tues. Wed. & Thurs. Fried Clams sm. $11.99 . . . . . . . .lg. $15.79 w/potato & choice of salad or cole slaw Wednesday - Chicken Pot Pie . . . . . . . . . .$6.99 w/potato & rolls Hours: Sunday-Thursday 6am – 9pm; Friday & Saturday 6am – 9:30pm Thursday 2 Lobster Rolls . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$13.99 w/salad & chips Friday & Saturday After 4:00 PM Friday, Saturday & Sunday Fried Haddock* $11.99 Grilled/Baked Salmon* $12.99 I love to go above and beyond to make my customers dining experience an excellent one. What can I say... I love my customers! Prime Rib Au Jus* Small $13.99 • Large $16.79 *with potato, choice of salad, coleslaw or vegetable & rolls 64 Lewiston Road, Gray 657-4714 www.ColeFarms.com JUST ONE MILE NORTH OFF EXIT 63 OF MAINE TURNPIKE Denise Wood of Litchfield Waitress Since 1988 New Homes Sun Rooms Garages “The Difference is in the Details” Riddle Me This Q: Always old, sometimes new, never sad, sometimes blue. Never empty, sometimes full, never pushes, always pulls. What am I? A: The moon Call us for your FREE quote! Best prices with the highest quality workmanship. Call 753-9887 or 576-8528 OVER 20 YEARS OF BUILDING EXPERIENCE Fully Insured • Many References Available A giraffe's kick is so powerful that it can decapitate a lion. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo 47 Out ’n About at the Balloon Festival Did you know: Billy Graham was once considered the best Fuller Brush salesman in North Carolina. We work on all equipment… not just ours! Rock climbing is kind of like Driver’s Ed, intimidating at first... but conquering the unknown is so much fun! “Dependable, quality service at an affordable price!” Sam Roy Watch me, Daddy! I’m gonna climb that tree like the little monkey that I am. Give us a call. We’ll ta ke care of your equipm ent like it w as ours! Light/Heavy Duty Trucks, Tractors, Trailer, All Plow Equipment Repairs & Service Servicing all makes & models of heavy equipment & trucks Licensed Inspection Station • Hydraulic Hoses made on-site & more! Certified Fisher Plow Dealer Denny Bly John Perron HEAVY DUTY & EQUIPMENT ROADSIDE ASSISTANCE AVAILABLE • Servicing all makes & models of heavy equipment & trucks • Licensed Inspection Station • Hydraulic Hoses made on-site See! What did I tell you!! • Light Duty/Heavy Duty Trailers Keep all your equipment clean in our extra LARGE wash bay! Maine Heavy Equipment Service 20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston Cassie Roy Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo 333-3707 • www.MaineHeavy.com At room temperature, the average air molecule travels at the speed of a rifle bullet. 48 September 2013 783-7039 Each year, more than 50,000 people are injured by jewelry in the U.S. KIDS! You Gotta Love ’em The Dvorak keyboard is more efficient than QWERTY. 20 times faster, in fact. Out ’n About at the Balloon Festival Elaine Derosby, Michelle Gagne, Wendy Roy, Jen DeRosa & Greg Perkins Volunteering at the ELHS Field Hockey booth In 1948, Costa Rica abolished its military and spends the money on education and culture instead. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo 49 Intelligence Submitted by Thomas Hill Thanks The octopus does not have a blind spot. There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted. The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?" Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?" Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo for choosing PLANNING A BACKYARD WEDDING? Ask about our signature models! CALL FOR PRICING G.A. DOWNING 782.4508 or 800.924.4500 us! Call for your appointment... Service Rental Sales 111 Woodman Hill Road, Minot www.gadowning.com Winter is coming, get your vehicle ready! 782-5500 Towing Discounts with shop repairs Auto Repair • Brakes • Engines • Suspension & More Body Work • Collision Repairs • Complete Re-sprays • Custom Paint & More! 845 Washington St., Northbound in Auburn Tri County Auto Sales $ 4,295 ‘02 VW Passat $ 3,500 ‘00 Dodge Dakota AWD, 126K, Loaded, Nice! 4x4 Auto, Runs Great! See full list at: TriCounty.HasYourCar.Com Inspections • Walk-ins Welcome 1885 Federal Road • Livermore, Maine Full Time Auto Mechanic 207-897-3323 • 207-576-4321 Did you know: The exact odds of scoring a hole-in-one in golf on a par three hole are 8,750 to 1. 50 September 2013 783-7039 Some things are better left unsaid. If only I could determine which things. Quick Witted Submitted by Thomas Hill Tiffanie Mallory Mallory Tammy Tammy Micaela Sarah ✃ UAD Expires 9.30.13 Jane Salon Products for Students with any hair service! Sarah Sarah 50% OFF Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. Mike looks at his friend John and says “Let’s go in there for a cold drink.” John replies with, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” “Sure they will, just follow my lead.” Mike walks up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman tell hims, “I'm sorry but I can’t let you in here with your dog.” Mike replies, “But I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Okay well in that case, come on in.” John sees this and decideds to do the same thing. He walks up to the front door, but the doorman says, “Sorry sir, you can’t come in here with a dog.” John replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeingeye dog.” The doorman responds, “I don't think so buddy. You mean to tell me you have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” John stops for a second looking confused, and says, “They gave me a chihuahua?” Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo Hair styles that make you look your best! Sarah Jeanne’s Family Hair Care Tanning & Day Spa 77 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • 795-6778 sarahjeannes.com I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. Out ’n About at the Balloon Festival Mike Albert, Adam Desjardins, Bernadette Albert, Sue & Mark Desjardins In a lifetime, an average person walks the equivalent of 5 equators. Kendra Kendra 51 Out ’n About at the Edward Little H.S. Class of 1963’s 50th Class Reunion The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year! BATTERY & CORE Maine’s Most Trusted Recycler George & Mary (Schoppe) Buker Ed Welch Automobile & Truck Batteries Die Cast Alloy Rims #1 Steel Prepared/better grading/ better payout Starters & Alternators Catalytic Converters Cell Phone Scrap Computer Towers Stainless Electronic Scrap Mother Boards • Cores Brass • Alternators Starters • Motors • Pumps Computer Board Scraps Copper • Aluminum • Insulated Wire Electric Motors, Radiators, Transmissions Paying TOP prices for computer scraps! Sept. 9th through Sept. 20th Closed for vacation Velvet (Fleckenstein) Welch & Betsy Jo Bunney “ You are always treated fairly and with respect!” We pay EXTRA for copper & brass from LARGE businesses with LARGE quantities! (prices subject to market changes) Mon - Fri 7am - 7pm Riddle Me This Q: If it takes six men six days to dig six holes, how long will it take one man to dig half a hole? A: There is no such thing as half a hole. Always paying the best prices! 15 Pierce Street, Auburn Across from Maine Oxy. • Two driveways down from Doggz Inn. 6 1 5 - 7 0 57 o r 795-8887 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad. 52 September 2013 783-7039 “An escalator can never break — it can only become stairs.” – Mitch Hedberg Out ’n About at the Edward Little H.S. Class of 1963’s 50th Class Reunion 1002 Minot Ave., Auburn • facebook.com/StevesDojo Margaret Veayo Visit or Call 420-0139 FMI One Direction are an English-Irish pop boy band based in London, consisting of Niall Horan, Zayn Malik, Liam Payne, Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson. They signed with Simon Cowell's record label Syco Records after being formed and finishing third in the seventh series of the British televised singing competition The X Factor in 2010. Who’s the old guy? Guys, let’s welcome the new band members... Courtney Cunliffe and her dad, Dan. Bonnie (Margolin) Faiman Posing with One Direction are Courtney Cunliffe & Dan Cunliffe Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz. Thanks for shopping Ron Field Riddle Me This Q: Why do black sheep eat less grass than white sheep? A: Because there are fewer black sheep than white sheep. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo Local! Jim Hogg, the governor of Texas from 1891 to 1895, named his only daughter “Ima.” 53 Wedding Bells Congratulations to Joshua & Taylor Bourque, who were married on July 6th at Popham Beach. Bakery & The smallest mountain range in the world is outside of Marysville, California and is named the Sutter Buttes. Taylor & Josh r a l l e C e Win ❧ Freshly Baked Breads ❧ Freshly Made Pastries & Donuts ❧ Soups & Sandwiches ❧ Huge Wine Selection ❧ Wine Tasting Events Mon.- Sat. 6am - 6pm; Sun. 6am - 3pm Jason Bourque (Josh’s brother) officiated the wedding ceremony Rylee & Taylor All photos by Toni Ferraro Photography Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo 353-7552 • 72 Lisbon Road • Lisbon, Maine www.benoitsbakery.com You Know You're in a Small Town When... The town square is actually a phone booth. 54 September 2013 783-7039 As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought "Dogs are easily amused." Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail. Be Fashion Forward this Fall Come see any one of our expert stylists! • Colors • Cuts • Foils • Pedicures • Manicures Get Your Hair Done Before Work! • Waxing We’re open at 6:00am 4 days a week!! Hours: Tues. Wed. & Thu. 6am - 8pm Fri. 6am - 3pm • Sat. 8am - 1pm Lisa Olmstead Pauline Guimond We are a full service salon... Ann Dumais Kelly Giambra Sue Poulin Kim Galgovitch Angella Brissette Lysa Ronan Valerie Kelshaw Camille Cloutier • Eyelash Tinting 786-4311 14 Highland Spring Plaza, Suite A Highland Spring Road, Lewiston I want to find my missing watch, but I can never find the time. Riddle Me This Q: Walk on the living, they don't even mumble. Walk on the dead, they mutter and crumble. What are they? A: Fallen leaves. Family Fun Vacation (Starting top left): Ted Morris, Halie Vachon, Nicole Vachon, Brycin Vachon, Emily Morris, Nemo the dog and Molly the dog. Fun Fall Family Activity Sexy Why does summer have to end? • Lingerie size 0-6x • Women’s shoes 850 Lisbon St. • Lewiston Wed. - Sat. 10-7 • Sun. 11-6 comes from within • Clubwear • Jewelry RMJ Collections 320-1165 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo One of the 'World's Strongest Man' events should be "Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together. 55 Out ’n About at the Balloon Festival "Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." — Timothy Leary Scott Lagasse, Elaine Deraps, Teliah Viscone, Nadia Roy & Chloe Check out that great looking ad on the bottom of page 72. Jennifer Lumb, Harmony & Brian Lowell Pat & Melora Lavoie us join d n er a geth o t Team r u o Y Get Mark Your Calendar! for ! golf f o y at da e r g a Friday, September 20th Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo Route 202 in Leeds As you grow older, you stand for more and fall for less. 56 September 2013 783-7039 "Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose." — Winston Churchill Out ’n About at the Balloon Festival Tara Brown, Tashia Brown, Tyler & John Lamothe Tim Turcotte & Louise Whalen ELHS Grandstand Club Aerobics Submitted by Jimbo The first time I met my wife, she was an intense aerobics instructor at my health club and I was an out-ofshape new member. After one grueling workout, I gasped, "This is really helping me get toned." She looked me up and down. Feeling self-conscious, I added, "Big men run in my family." She raised an eyebrow. "Apparently not enough." The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees," so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo 57 You Know You're in a Small Town When... The Walmart, the local grocery, and UPS all have the same telephone number. Uncle Andyâ€™s Digest ...with Jimbo 58 September 2013 783-7039 First you're telling me to be myself, then you're telling me to stop being an idiot. Make your mind up. Do you think Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year's resolutions? Out ’n About at the Edward Little H.S. Class of 1963’s 50th Class Reunion Here’s to the Class of 1963. We’ll see you soon! Joanne (Shea) Bollinger www.wolfeye.com Pocahontas appeared on the back of the $20 bill in 1875. Jim’s Rent It Car accidents, no problem! We offer insurance-paid car rentals • Car Rentals • Passenger Vans with • Pickup Truck Rentals 7,8,12,15 Seating Capacity • Convertibles Jack Chenard, Dianna (Dwinal) O'Connell Lowest priced car rental in the area! Call 784-5438 for details 1097 Center St., Auburn Jellyfish as a species are actually older than dinosaurs and sharks. Martha White McGonagle Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo 59 Out ’n About at the Gippers Open Sound travels about 4 times faster in water than in air. Chris Angelo I’ve got a few water balloons of my own... I’m just waiting for an opportunity to present itself. There are more female than male millionaires in the United States. Matt Drewell : U O Y G N I T C PROTE s What We Do. I The Gippers Open is a great time for bonding. Commercial Insura s Kerrie Robbin Specialist nce 232 Center St., Auburn Mon.-Fri. 8am-4:30pm Pam Ashby & Dan Martin Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo VarneyAgency.com 786-0417 life health commercial home auto recreational umbrella C3PO is the first character to speak in Star Wars. 60 September 2013 783-7039 Pollen can travel up to 500 miles in a day. P OOL BUILDERS OF MAINE Q W ,O S . UALITY ORKMANSHIP UTSTANDING ERVICE 25 lb. Buckets of $ only 3” Chlorine Tabs Out ’n About at the Redneck Blank 99 Any Above-Ground IMMEDIATE INSTALLATIONS! 25% OFF ALL EZ-CLOR PRODUCTS Picnic Tables for sale Discovery LX Schedule Now for the Best Prices in Pool Winterizing! SEPTEMBER SALE! PELLET, WOOD & GAS STOVES! Plus inserts & Contemporary Stoves 1525 Minot Ave. Auburn • 795-7222 www.poolbuildersofmaine.com Beavers have orange teeth! Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo 61 Out ’n About at the Edward Little H.S. Class of 1963’s 50th Class Reunion Hummingbirds can't walk. CNA’s WANTED NOW! GREAT PAY! GREAT WORKING CONDITIONS! Jim & Judy Gordan Assisted Home Care Home Care Means... • More privacy - you get personal care in your own home. • Convenience - continuity of care. • Comfort - being in your own home. • Shorter Recovery Time - people recoup better at home. • Nursing care by qualified caregivers. Joyce (Ouellete) Campbell For more information visit us at: 550 College St., Lewiston We cover Gray, New Gloucester, Turner, Augusta, Windham, Brunswick, Topsham, Bath, Mechanic Falls, Norway, Bowdoinham, Pownal and surrounding areas. Home C d e t s si 783-7375 are s A Out ’n About at Mac’s Grill in Auburn Annette (LeRocque) Marx Home computers are the perfect thing for women who don't feel that men provide them with enough frustration. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo 62 Jeff & Becky Cote If you’re looking for a good magician, look no further... Pam & Mark Vaillancourt September 2013 783-7039 A baby eel is called an elver, a baby oyster is called a spat. KIDS! You Gotta Love ’em 1 mile south of Oxford Plains Speedway Riddle Me This Q: A farmer, his daughter, the policeman, and his wife won the lottery and divided the prize into three. How can this be? A: The farmer's daughter is the policeman's wife. 596 Main Street, Oxford • 539-8811 MAINE-LYACTION.COM The say you should test your fire alarm once a month. I try but it's costing me a fortune in houses. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo 63 Out ’n About at the Great Falls Model RR Club at the Train Fest Family Fun Day I bought a book on obedience seven years ago, but it turns out the dog is a slow reader. Tired of how your old deck looks? Need a new deck? CALL THE DECK DOCTORS! Bryce Weeks Stephen Adamczyk, Deck Repair Expert What a blast this place is! Call 713-9090 for your FREE estimate! Facelift Your Property www.setwright.com Mom, will you hurry up and take the picture?! There’s a cute girl over there waiting to go boogie boarding with me... Tyler Randall Garrison Whetzel son of Stacy Whetzel at Kitchen solutions Paul Lodge You can find me over at the Great Falls Model Rail Road Club at 144 Mill St in Auburn. Got photos you’d like published? Wait no more! Ken Nettleship & Chandler Ireland Email them to editor@UncleAndys.com Racine Bruce and Adam WOOD • COAL • GAS • PELLET Quiet, clean, elegant stoves. Several styles to choose from. 1220 Center St., Auburn FIRESIDE STOVE SHOP 784-9249 Ivan and Gerry Smith Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo www.firesidestoveshop.com Montana borders the most Canadian Provinces of all the fifty states. It borders three of them. 64 September 2013 783-7039 Since March 2013 Savannah Max Since ber Octo 2 201 Since April 2012 Max P FUN, SAFE & SUPERVISED PLAY ENVIRONMENT We have 6,000 sq. ft. of indoor heated comfortable play area. We are the only facility in the state that offers everything for your pup, from daycare to grooming, transportation, dog food and supplies all under one roof! Est. 2008 No payment contracts! If your dog doesn't come to play, you don't pay!! email@example.com • facebook.com/thedoggzinn http://thedoggzinn.googlepages.com Dog Grooming, Daycare & Boutique Ella Hyzer I'm a 5 year old Yorkie mix looking for a furever home! I'm a sweet girl who loves to cuddle and will always greet you with a smile! Since August 2013 Casper We're so glad you're back to play and feeling better after yo ur surgery!! :) Sin Februce ary 2011 FULL DAYS OF PLAY AS LOW AS $16 PER DAY! Boutique includes full line of dog supplies & products Planet Dog • Blue Buffalo • Lupine • Red Dingo • Mason Antlers 65 Washington St., Auburn • 333-3640 Out ’n About at the Great Falls Model RR Club at the Train Fest Family Fun Day Don't complain to me. When I was a kid, we actually had to get out of the car and OPEN the garage door. The Most Wonderful Time of the Year! Pre-book your next appointment and be entered to win a FREE haircut! Drawing to be held on Oct. 1st Ralph Strout & Ava Grenvill 392 Center Street, Auburn Back from L to R: Taylor, Cori, Kelly, Terry & Linda Front from L to R: Jennifer, Michael, Kathy, Tina & Nuria HairByGregorys.com 786-0112 The only social fraternity founded during the Civil War was Theta Xi fraternity, at Rensselear Polytechnic Institute in Troy, New York in 1864. Chandler Ireland & Lanna Hartley Trenchless Sewer and Drain Rehabilitation Call today to have a Clear Drains of Maine technician perform a site evaluation and provide you with a detailed estimate for rehabilitating your failing sewer or drain line with our PERMA-LATERAL TM TRENCHLESS PIPELINING SYSTEM Chuck & Deb Scott-Henderson NO DIG TRENCHLESS TECHNOLOGY! Visit us online: ClearDrainsofMaine.com Lilly & Ayden Franzen Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo Seals broken areas in Cast Iron, PVC, Orangeburg, Clay Pipes & More! 521 Federal Road, Livermore • 207.320.2177 They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs. 66 September 2013 783-7039 The shopping mall in Abbotsford, British Columbia, Canada has the largest water clock in North America. Out ’n About Jimbo and I go way back... but I’ll have no problem kicking his butt out of any nightclub I’m working at. Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market! Open 7 days a week year-round for your shopping! Collectibles • Coins • Glassware • Sports Cards • Furniture • BEANIE BABIES Advertising Items • Jewelry • Cassettes • DVDs • CD’s • Videos • Antiques & Lots More! VISIT “THE BOOK NOOK” Regular Paperbacks $1/each $ Large Selection of Fenton Glassware! Paul Pinette 3.50 each for most Hardcover Books Selective Hard Covers $2 20 OFF % all Audio Books (books on tape & CD) Over 55,000 Pre-Read Books & Cookbooks Pre-Read Books arriving daily INVENTORY REDUCTION SALE! C&W Protective Services Not that you’d need any help with that weakling, but I’m here if you need me, Paul. 20% - 75% OFF Dean Berry C&W Protective Services Featuring 131Vendors Open 7 Days a Week 9 AM - 5 PM We honor: M/C, DEBIT, ATM, VISA, Am. Express & Discover cards s Alway g n i Buy Riddle Me This Q: SEA PIGEON is an anagram of what nineletter word? A: Espionage 960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149 500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area! The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo 67 Primitive Artist Signing The kids text me "plz" Because it's shorter than "please". I text back "no" because it's shorter than "yes". The Bear Necessities, located at 35 Vernon St. in Auburn, is honored and excited to be hosting Billy Jacobs in their Shoppe for a signing on September 14th from 10AM to 4 PM. Billy Jacobs is a highly established and well known folk artist, musician, song writer,and photographer. His amazing prints are warming hearts and ﬁlling homes! This is going to be a Primtastic event so mark your calendars! You wont want to miss this opportunity to have your favorite Billy Jacobs print signed and meet the artist himself! Amazing door prizes and yummy refreshments will be provided. FMI call The Bear Necessities at 7860992 or LIKE them on Facebook for updates and other happenings. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo THE BEAR NECESSITIES Primitive Home Decor & Gift Shoppe Enter a world of a simpler time... As you enter our shoppe, you are embraced with warm scents and a great selection of primitive, colonial and country home decor, custom made furniture and needful things! Owners - Tammy & Gerry Charette Join us on September 14th (10 ~ 4) for our Billy Jacobs Appearance and Signing • • • • • • • • • • Johnston Bench Works Reproduction Furniture Old Village Paints Primitive/Colonial Lighting Family Heirloom Weaver Textiles Window Treatments 1803 Candles • Potpourri • Pottery Room Sprays • Quilts • Braided Rugs Scarecrows • Prim Pumpkins Gift Certificates • Clubs • Layaways Hours: Tuesday-Friday 10-5 Saturday 10-4 35 Vernon Street Auburn Maine 04210 (207) 786-0992 68 September 2013 783-7039 Ever think you're hearing something in a song, but they're really singing something else? The word for mis-heard lyrics is mondegreen. “The cool part about naming your kid is you don't have to add 6 numbers to make sure the name is available. Out ’n About at the Redneck Blank 1 mile south of Oxford Plains Speedway 596 Main Street, Oxford • 539-8811 maine-lyaction.com He looks like an Olympian... Albert Einstein’s last words were spoken in German. As the nurse attending him didn’t speak the language, we’ll never know what he said. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo 69 Where in the World is Brad Hooper? “The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it” – Michaelangelo ! W NE Well, right now, he is playing at the Freedom Cafe in Naples Instant & EZ Drug Test EZ Drug Test Split Key Cup Results in minutes! EZ Drug Test Split Key Cup is 99% Accurate and gives results in minutes! Fully integrated cup where the tester does not have to come in contact with the urine. Tests for 10 drugs! Cocaine, Amphetamine, Methamphetamines, Marijuana, Opiates, Phencyclidine, Barbiturates, Benzodiazepines, Methadone, and Ecstacy. Available from 5 to 12 panels Volume Pricing Available Call for details! Save Money! For more information on all of our services visit out website www.mmdrugscreening.com On-Site Services Available For: Tiffany Churchill with her daughter, Kiley Plourde Tiffany works at Happy Days Restaurant in New Auburn •Drug & Alcohol Testing • Hair Folicle Testing • DNA/Paternity Testing We also offer: • Tenant Screening • Background Checks • Private Investigations • Pre-employment/Corporate Drug Screening • Pre-probation Drug Testing • Drug Test Kit Supplies • Trail Preparation Riddle Me This Q: Though liquid in nature, don't push me too far; for then I will break, and the damage may scar. What am I? A: Glass MID MAINE DRUG SCREENING & INVESTIGATIONS Full Service Drug Testing Company & Private Investigator 155 Center Street • Building G • 577-6000 firstname.lastname@example.org • www.MMDRUGSCREENING.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo The common goldfish is the only animal that can see both infra-red and ultra-violet light. 70 September 2013 783-7039 Did you know: Until the 1960s men with long hair were not allowed to enter Disneyland. Auburn Plaza Family Dentistry is giving away this great prize to one lucky winner! Like us & Uncle Andy’s Digest on Facebook to stay in the loop. Enter to win this It’s true... my mom is one of the master minds behind the Great Falls Balloon Festival. She’s actually the Marketing Director, but to me she is a master mind. Christina Noonan with her son, Henry nds e t s e t n o C Sept. 11th Go to: facebook.com/UncleAndysDigest How come you never see Cupid with a girlfriend? Click on “Enter to WIN” Did you know: Over 40 million Ritz crackers are purchased every day. SUPERIOR PAVING COMPANY Paving (Driveways & Parking Lots) • Crack Repair Seal Coating • Concrete • Excavating • And More! Call us for your FREE quote TODAY! Commercial • Residential • Industrial SUPERIOR PAVING COMPANY 782-4010 Serving all of Maine for over 40 years! Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo 72 September 2013 783-7039 THIRD GRADE SCIENCE: Black holes are formed by unknown matters of solids as well as gasses. If you are in a black hole, your head would be at your feet. Work is for people who don't know how to fish. Out â€™n About at the Balloon Festival This amazing Balloon Festival picture submitted by Sandy Berube Turcotte Justin Binette, Bert Levesque, Barbara & Frank Bart and Brian Michaud How do they get the 'Do not walk on grass' signs way out in the middle of the lawn? Color Me Rad 5K Tasha Pelletier & Katie Rubino Tasha works at Marc's Auto Body in Auburn I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest. Uncle Andyâ€™s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo 73 Burglary Submitted by Jimbo Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay... The detective was interviewing the man whose clothing shop had just been burglarized. "It's bad," said the proprietor, "but it's not as bad as it could have been if he'd robbed me yesterday." "Why is that?" the detective asked. "Because today everything was on sale." ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY 95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210 Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings Bart Kelsea, President (207) 784-6413 Sarah Simpson, a native of Auburn and a 2010 graduate of St. Dom’s. She achieved her Associates degree from Central Maine Community College and then was accepted to Embry Riddle Aeronautical University in Daytona, Florida. Sarah is working on finishing up her Bachelors degree. Sarah competed and was crowned, Ms. Petite America, in Hartford, CT last month. Her parents, Tim & Karen Simpson are very proud and Tim states, “Not only is Sarah pretty, she has the brains to back it up! It was great to see her crowned Ms. Petite America, but it’s even better to see her getting an education of a lifetime.” In this photo, Sarah is at the peak of Cadillac Mountain in Bar Harbor. We challenged her dad that if he submitted a photo of Sarah holding up Uncle Andy’s Digest we would publish it. We would have published it either way, but this photo is very cool. Ms. Petite America 2013 Sarah Simpson Congratulations, Sarah! Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo An obstacle is something you see when you take your eyes off the goal. 74 September 2013 783-7039 Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. Miss Petite America Got a Bad Tattoo? Prove it and remove it... FREE! is looking for the WORST tattoo in the L/A area from now to Sept.14 One winner receives a free removal! Message us your photo on our Facebook page, or email us at email@example.com 34 Center St., Auburn • 333.3069 Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. Sarah Simpson makes an appearance at Disney. Addictive Advertising Specialties Lease and Property Management A cure for all of your promotional product needs! Pens, wearables, drinkware, calendars & more! 786-0725 firstname.lastname@example.org Lease Property Referral 207.784.2011 www.yourleasingoffice.com DAVE IRELAND BUILDERS, LLC We have over 2,500+ satisfied Energy Audit and Air-Sealing program customers thanks to our partnership with efficiency MAINE! Howland • Lewiston, ME • 1-800-625-4136 I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo 75 Out ’n About at the Redneck Blank National Atheist's Day April 1st. READY OR NOT. It’s NOT too early to start thinki Attention Landsc apers & Contractors! ur snow removal needs! Money Sav We sell bulk san d/salt and straig ht salt. Call us for yo 20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston 784-7944 www.stlauren Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo 76 September 2013 783-7039 Keep your head in the clouds.. you're the first to know when it rains, and it's easier to see the silver lining. The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat. Out ’n About at the Redneck Blank ... IT’S COMING! Ask Today! ng about the upcoming season! ving Multi-Year Contracts Available Commercial Plowing Sanding, Salting Snow Removal Call us for a FREE Quote! Locally owned and operated since 1970! Fully Insured • EOE ntandson.com Nothing written in fine print is ever good news. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM Jimbo 77 Medical Condition Submitted by Jimbo Always remember to proofread carefully to see if you any words out. We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, Patty, my co-worker, came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry." Knowing nothing about that particular condition, Patty double checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head. "This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree." Riddle Me This Q: Shoot at me a thousand times and I may still survive; one scratch from me and you will find your prospects take a dive. What am I? A: An eight ball Riddle Me This Q: Carl the butcher wears a size 12 shoe, is 6 feet 3 inches tall, and wears a 42-long suit. What does he weigh? A: He weighs meat. Uncle Andyâ€™s Digest ...with Jimbo 78 September 2013 783-7039 Worry is the first time you can't do it a second time; panic is the second time you can't do it the first time. By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. Out ’n About at the Great Falls Model RR Club at the Train Fest Family Fun Day Now available in Oil Rubbed Bronze Partnering with Professionals Make an appointment with our showroom consultants to get easy access to a “World of Choices,” ideas and advantages. Tiffany Sinclair & Ricki Merchant Glenda Mitchell: 514-1136 email@example.com Tim Fox: 514-1137 firstname.lastname@example.org Redlon & Johnson is a wholesale company and does not sell retail 3 Middle Street, Lewiston showroom.redlon-johnson.com Showroom Hours: Mon., Tues., Wed., Fri. 8AM - 4:30PM Open Thurs. until 6PM APPOINTMENTS RECOMMENDED I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week. Jake & Monique Family Friendly Dentistry Willow Run Dental Association is accepting new patients Come meet our friendly Dentists & Staff Denise Purington, Rita Vatter & Terry James Scott Beckerman, DMD Geraldine Schneider, DMD Jeffrey Sloan, DDS • Family cosmetic dentistry • Emergency same-day care • Most insurance plans accepted 783-0261 One Willow Run Unit 1-B, Auburn willowrundental.com Maurice Fortin with Tyler, Emma, & Mary Randall Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Sept. 2013 U NCLE A NDYS . COM No one can ruin your day without your permission. Jimbo 79 Another Happy Customer! These guys do a top notch job! I would highly recommend them to anyone. One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators. 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