UAD February 2014
Maine's premiere FREE monthly humor based magazine.
UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST The Most Unusual Digest in America! .com February 2014 FREE You’ll L VE Your Smile NEW lways Patients A m Welco e! when you visit: TAYLOR BROOK DENTAL ASSOCIATES 27 Millett Drive, Auburn 784-1577 Taylorbrookdental.com Armandsab@aol.com "Life is like a ten speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use." – Charles M. Schulz MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA February 2014 Wednesday, Feb 5th Grid Iron 4pm – 7pm (Chapter 12907) 1567 Lisbon St, Lewiston $8 Member; $8.50 Guest Tuesday, Feb 11th Dairy Queen 4pm -7pm (Chapter 12749) 661 Minot Ave, Auburn $4.50 Member; $5 Guest Saturday, Feb 15th KC Sacred Heart Bean Supper 5pm (Chapter 14346) 8 Sacred Heart Pl, Auburn $4 Member; $5 Guest Wednesday, Feb 19th Rolly’s Diner 7am – 10am (Chapter 10589) 87 Mill St, Auburn $3.50 Member; $4.50 Guest Sunday, Feb 23rd Flagship Cinema (Chapter 8609) Lewiston/Auburn $4.50 Member; $5.50 Guest Tuesday, Feb 25th Village Pizzeria 11:30am- 1pm (Chapter 10929) 16 Pleasant St, McFalls $5.50 Member; $6 Guest Dick Courtemanche 207-786-3622 Lewiston Timothy Graham* 207-892-0302 Standish Forest Cluff* 207-725-4606 Brunswick Paul Colasante* 207-782-8823 Lewiston Michael Courtemanche* 207-783-8921 Lewiston Jean Fournier 207-784-5453 Lewiston Thursday, Feb 27th The Green Ladle Noon (Chapter (14437) 156 East Ave – Lewiston High School $8 Member; $9 Guest TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED Patrick Linehan* 207-465-4800 Oakland Ron Ouellette* 207-786-3612 Lewiston Kim Pelkey* 207-786-2573 Lewiston/Norway Deb Wagemann* ChFC 207-783-8804 Auburn *Registered representative. Securities offered through MWA Financial Services Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of Modern Woodmen of America. Member: FINRA, SIPC. Bring ideas in and entertain them royally for one of them may be the king. Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to change. If additional info is needed, please call our office, please do not call restaurants. All activities can only be attended at the times listed. ************************* Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs 9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833. Uncle Andy’s Digest MAILING ADDRESS: PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL: editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207 783-7039 FAX: 207 777-3898 I'm an expert at multitasking. I can cheat on six diets at the same time. SMILE AGAIN DENTURES Affordable Dentures Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service! Also see us for: • Full Dentures • Immediate Dentures • Rebases • Relines • Repairs www.UncleAndys.com Staff JIMBO Who’s on First? UNCLE ANDY What’s on Second? MAGGIE MAY I Don’t Know is on Third... THOMAS I Don’t Give a Darn is at Shortstop. PAMMY Tomorrow is on the Mound. Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again! We now offer Citi Health Card • Most Dental Insurances Accepted We also accept Credit & Debit Cards TANMAN Today is the Catcher. GENE-O Why plays Left field. FREE CONSULTATIONS Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212 While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in our client’s advertisements and our publication in general, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies, product pricing errors, or omissions. SMILE AGAIN DENTURES 801 Webster Street, Lewiston 514-0660 SmileAgainDentures.com Or email us at: firstname.lastname@example.org Mike & Joe Adkins, licensed denturists Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo 4 February 2014 783-7039 They put a new machine in at my gym that provides for all my needs. Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers. Today is the last day of your life so far. Hunting Dog Submitted by Thomas Hill KITCHEN Solutions DESIGN & SALES CENTER Jimbo and Uncle Andy are going hunting. Jimbo says to Uncle Andy, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting." Bella comes back and barks twice. Jimbo says, "Well I'm not going to go out. She only saw two ducks out there." Uncle Andy says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Uncle Andy doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!" Jimbo says, "Well, I got her from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too." Uncle Andy goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Jimbo has. The breeder obliges and Uncle Andy brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts whacking Uncle Andy. (continued on next page) Why not use your Income Tax Return and save BIG! WE HAVE PRICING FOR EVERYONEâ€™S BUDGET! 995 Center St. Auburn Next to Appliance Warehouse and Gamache & Lessard Window Decorators 784-3100 Quartz Counter tops starting at $54.99/ LF Installed! Visit our brand new showroom Specials on Cabinets & Granite Countertops Bruce Stacy www.KitchenSolutionsMaine.com My wife thinks "freedom of the press" means no-iron clothes. Uncle Andyâ€™s Digest ...with February 2014 Jimbo UncleAndys.com 5 (continued from previous page) I've got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date. Outraged, Uncle Andy takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!" The breeder asks Uncle Andy what the dog did. Uncle Andy tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth, shaking it around and hitting him with it!. The breeder says, "Uncle Andy, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!" Auto Repair Done Right Brakes • Engines • Suspension & More • Call for a free estimate! Body Work Collision Repairs • Complete Re-sprays Custom Paint & More Discounted towing w/ shop repairs Towing available 24/7 845 Washington St., Northbound in Auburn • 782-5500 Garbage Collector Submitted by Thomas Hill A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?" "Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father. His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a strange ambition to have for a career." "Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!" Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo It’s Valentines... Which is more important, flowers or a gun? Roger Caldwell 481 Maine Street, Poland Spring • 998-2806 Open 7-days a week: Monday - Saturday 11am - 7pm; Sunday 12pm - 6pm Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty are "XL". 6 February 2014 783-7039 If you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150? WELCOME TO THE TEAM Maine Oxy, New England’s leading supplier of industrial & specialty gases, welding and safety supplies, is proud to welcome Ron Eugley to the team. He will be part of the technical sales support team. Ron brings over 40 years of industry experience with him into this position. Previously holding positions in outside sales in central & coastal Maine, in addition to inside sales and customer service including technical support. James Richards, retail store manager reflected on Ron’s character, “Ron brings a vast knowledge of all aspects of our industry. Everyone is very excited that Ron is joining the Maine Oxy technical customer support team.” Ron is highly trained in all aspects of the industry including: Welding Supplies & Industrial gases; certifications include American Welding Society (AWS), and has attended leading training schools including Miller & Lincoln. Welcome to the team, Ron! Out ’n About at the SkillsUSA Competition at Lewiston Regional Technical Center The senior class at LRTC competed in a Carpentry Challenge. Each had to build a 6’ long x 4’ high wall section 16” o.c. with a window opening. They had to draw, create a cut list, materials list and submit a bid price for the wall section. All students did a great job under the tutelage of the carpentry instructor, Jason Merritt. Ron Eugley 22 Albiston Way, Auburn www.maineoxy.com 784-5788 1-800-377-9433 Pencil sharpeners have a tough life - they live off tips. Congratulations to the 2013 Gipper’s Scholarship Winners Colby Tremblay A speed square and a sharp pencil should keep me in the running... L to R: Rachel Gagne (Edward Little), Bethany Fox (St.Doms), Tom Fournier (Gippers) and Natalie Rousseau (Lewiston). Rachel is attending Simmons College and studying Biology. Bethany is enrolled in the Elementary Education program at St. Joe's College and Natalie is studying Biology at Florida Southern. They each received a check for $750 at a reception held for them and their families at Gippers. Nick Fortin Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2014 Jimbo UncleAndys.com It's scary when, in the morning, you start making the same noises as your coffee maker. 7 When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed they're not it. Counseling Services Accepting New Clients All Ages, families & Veterans Welcome Andy Jarman, LCPC Eat In or Take Out! for Lunch or Dinner 624-1132 Trauma counseling through EMDR & DBT Japanese • Korean • Thai • Sushi 730 Center Street, Auburn • Auburn Plaza • 376-4855 NEXT TO FLAGSHIP CINEMA 1288 Roosevelt Trail • Ste 5B (back of building) • Raymond jasminecafemaine.com Tardy Uncle Andy went into work an hour late, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. “What happened to you?” Jimbo asked. “I fell down two flights of stairs,” Uncle Andy said. Jimbo was aghast. “That took you a whole hour?” I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'. Back in the days when the guillotine was first used, people wondered, is this what we may beheaded for in the future? Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo Taking care of your sweethearts vehicle is one of the best gifts, EVER! Cathy Call for an appointment. Your sweetheart will LOVE you for it! Tony D. Ron Tony G. 183 Lisbon Street • Lisbon qualitycareautorepair.com 353-9862 Visa is everywhere you want to be...except out of debt. See Us For All Your Fabric & Metal Fabrication From repairs to large projects! We can do it! • Canvas • Upholstery • Metal Fabrication • Residential/Commercial Awnings Canvas & Upholstery 41 Millett Drive • Auburn, Maine 04210 783-5600 NyQuil - The sniffling, sneezing, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 8 February 2014 783-7039 Spring & Summer dates are filling fast - Book NOW! Weddings • Summer Parties Reunions Indoors • Outdoors • We do it all! Professional service at an affordable price We can accommodate any size party small, large or enormous!! Call Diana or Larry for more info and pricing! Dad’s Place Catering Division 345-9009 COFFEE FRIDAY! Free 20 oz. coffee with purchase of Breakfast Sandwich every Friday. DadsPlace.info FREE Baby, it’s cold outside! $ Our 10 GIANT one-topping pizza is sure to warm you up!! Not to be combined with any other special. There’s NO PLACE like... ✃ Expires 2.28.14 Dad’s Place 23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info NEW at Da d’s... Pay at the Pump! Out â€™n About at the SkillsUSA Competition at Lewiston Regional Technical Center If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? My tape measure keeps me on center. Derek Montminy Jake Matson Chris Poisson Uncle Andyâ€™s Digest ...with Jimbo I want my children to have all things I couldn't afford: Then I'll move in with them. 10 February 2014 783-7039 My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band." True Love Submitted by Thomas Hill Auto Center If the Farmer’s Almanac is accurate we could see more cold for Feb. and March. Get your FREE Winterization Check here! Mike Morin’s LIKE us on Facebook Receive 1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433 autorepairsauburnmaine.com • Hours: Open Monday-Thursday 7-5pm • Friday 7-Noon A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 I Love You cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. He said, “I'm a divorce Lawyer.” OIL CHANGE $10.00 Discount! $24.95 Up to 5 qts. Most Vehicles (Not including Diesels or Heavy Trucks) Mike Morin FRONT END ALIGNMENTS $79.95 You can tell your getting old when all the names in your little black book end in M.D. Dumb Waiter Submitted by Jimbo A waiter brings the customer the steak dinner he ordered with his thumb holding the meat down. "Are you crazy," yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb on my steak?!" We’d love to take care of your fur-baby. Take a look at our ad on page 45. Jessica & Russ Boisvert Owners of Howling Hill Dog Boarding in New Gloucester "What," answers the waiter, "Would you prefer it fell on the floor again?" Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2014 Jimbo UncleAndys.com 11 I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious! Out ’n About at the SkillsUSA Competition at Lewiston Regional Technical Center I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest. A tool belt is a must for any carpenter. 2011 Toyota Highlander 2009 Chevrolet Traverse 2011 Toyota Sienna 2013 Chevrolet Equinox Tanner Marston Eye protection is vital in this environment! Gray, 3.5L, Auto, AWD 31k our price Gray, 3.6L V6, Auto, FWD, 65k our price Silver,3.5L V6, Auto. 6spd., 62k our price Black, 2.4L 4cyl., Auto., AWD, 18k our price $25,995 $15,995 2011 Toyota Rav 4 2012 Ford Focus $20,995 2009 Toyota Venza $27,995 2009 Honda Odyssey Vincent Callgiuri Black, 2.5L 4cyl, Auto, 4WD, 35k our price Blue Candy Metallic, 2.0L 4cyl., Auto., 57k our price Gree, 3.5L V6, Auto 6 Spuds., AWD, 49k our price 3.5L V6, Auto., FWD minivan, 73k our price $22,995 $13,995 $19,995 $20,995 Isaac Lane Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo “I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.” – Thomas Hill 12 February 2014 783-7039 Radar spelled backwards is radar. They get you coming and going. Out ’n About at the SkillsUSA Competition at Lewiston Regional Technical Center Feel the power... Argh, Argh, Argh! 2012 Chevrolet Malibu 2011 Toyota Camry 2010 Nissan Maxima 2013 Chevrolet Tahoe Gold, 2.4L 4cyl., Auto, 39k our price Sandy Beach Metallic, 2.5L 4cyl., 17k our price Black, 3.5L V6, CVT, 4 door, 27k our price Silver, 5.3L V8, 6 speed, 4WD, 10k our price Nick Fortin $12,995 2012 Dodge Avenger SE $15,995 2011 Toyota Camry SE $20,995 2011 Toyota Prius $39,888 2012 Toyota Tundra Josh Melnick Redline 2 coat Pearl, 2.4L 4cyl, Auto., 37k our price Cosmic Gray Mica, 2.5L 4cyl., 18k our price Blue, 1.8L 4cyl., Hybrid, 34k our price Silver, 5.7L, V8 Auto, 4WD, 13k our price We have a very talented group of seniors this year! $15,995 $19,595 $17,995 $33,995 Jason Merritt LRTC Construction Teacher One good turn gets most of the blankets. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2014 Jimbo UncleAndys.com 13 Saying Grace Submitted by Thomas Hill Do they ever shut up on your planet? Little Johnny and his family were having a Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started to eat right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook." WOW! Don’t spend $18 at the beauty salon, get your... Mens & Boys CUTS for $ All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome. 12 Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts Marcel’s Barber Shop 54 Mill Street, New Auburn 783-3444 OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm EDULE ER SCH WINTNi + 7:30-10pm ghts - Ages 20 e m o r d l o l Ro Where Good Skaters Meet Available for private parties Thursday 30 - 10:00 - All Skating 7: Friday Nights pm 30 - 4:00 Sat. & Sun. - 1: t 7:30 - 10pm - Family Nigh ts gh Ni ay Saturd 30 - 10pm - All SK8 • 7: Sunday Night ua br ry 19th m Wednesday Fe ing 1:30 - 4p at Sk n tio School Vaca Since 1954 12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940 www.rollodrome.com Join Our Mug Club 21 Draft beers Buy $25 Gift Certificate and get $5 Extra in Firehouse Bucks Valentine’s Day Special for TWO • Bottle of Wine or 2 Beers • Shared appetizer Choice of 3 meals: Every Mon. Night $6.99 Burger Special w/ 2 sides Bring your ticket in before or after any home game and receive Beef Tips w/ garlic onion wine sauce, Seafood Baked Stuffed Haddock or Chicken Marsala choice of starch, veg. or salad 15% OFF! Try our Homemade Baxter Beer Battered Onion Rings! Firehouse Grille • 47 Broad Street, New Auburn 376-4959 • thefirehousegrille.biz of the Ho me e Co. Eng in er rg u B Split a dessert $ 49.95 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. 14 February 2014 783-7039 More than 1,000,000 Earths could fit inside the Sun. The Four Cats Submitted by Thomas Hill Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the third a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, “Tsquare, do your stuff.” T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your thing.” Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8oz. without spilling a drop (continued on next page) Mon.-Thurs. 7am-5pm Fri. 8am-4pm Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D. Dr. Chen and his staff are dedicated to providing a pleasant, stress-free visit with results that you will be proud to show off. 730 Center St • Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza Visit us at our newly renovated state of the art office at: 783-1351 Same Day Emergency Care We are a preferred Northeast Delta provider auburnplazafamilydentistry.com Too small for the role of Pistachio, not curly enough to be a Cashew...The Almond. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2014 Jimbo UncleAndys.com 15 (continued from previous page) into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?” The Government Employee called his cat Coffee Break and said, “do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet... He drank the milk ate the cookies, and then beat up the other three cats. Later he claimed he injured his back while doing so, so he filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. It was so cold... When we milked the brown cows - we got chocolate ice cream! A-PLUS AUTO REPAIR Get your car fixed at A-Plus Auto Repair before I unleash these Karate chopping hands on you! Located @ 747 Minot Ave. in Auburn (Behind Fastenal Services) • Computer Diagnostics • Maine State Inspection Station • Brake Pads & Rotors • Shocks & Struts • Oil Changes • Exhaust Repair • $50/hr Labor Rate Bring in this ad & receive A-Plus Auto Repair 747 Minot Ave, Auburn 10% OFF Your Total bill! ✃ Expires 2.28.14 Chance 786-0522 It was so cold... When we parked the dog sled, we either had to plug in the dogs, or keep them running in place! Photo credit: Artistic Touch Photography New Generation Submitted by Jimbo Needing to look up a phone number at a friend’s house, my teenage daughter asked for a phone book. She might as well have asked for a papyrus scroll. “A phone book?” asked her friend. “You know,” said my daughter. “A book with numbers in it.” “Oh,” said her friend as it dawned on her. “You mean a math book.” Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo Sophie from The Doggz Inn would like to wish everyone a Happy Valentines Day! It was so cold... We had to chop up the piano for firewood, and we barely hit one chord. 16 February 2014 783-7039 It was so cold... Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs! Out â€™n About at the SkillsUSA Competition at Lewiston Regional Technical Center Some great work here for sure. Pretty impressive for high school kids! Randy Swan of Randall Swan Construction judge the students work Chris Poisson Vincent Callgiuri 'Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.' - W.C. Fields Uncle Andyâ€™s Digest ...with February 2014 Jimbo UncleAndys.com 17 A day of the Dogs Playing ball in the snow... a perfect day! Reality leaves a lot to the imagination. – John Lennon Bella Marley Sophie Uncle Andy said to the Gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" Uncle Andy said, "I can't make Tuesdays." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo Excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude. – Ralph Marston 18 February 2014 783-7039 She walked to the altar so many times, they're trying to make her pay for the carpet. Out ’n About at Sound Effects Big or small we install ‘em all. ANY MAKE... ANY MODEL... ANY PROBLEM... NO PROBLEM! • Appointments required • Fully warranteed & certified • $60/hr labor rate Brad’s Precision Auto 144 Riverside Dr., Auburn 333-0364 You’ll be smiling too after our daddy fixes your car at a reasonable price! Marek & Mallory age 7 age 4 Big Keith February Valentine’s Dance 2014 Friday, Feb. 14th 8pm - Midnight & L’il Chris New Auburn Social Club 7 Second Street, Auburn 782-9039 Lost & Found Band Live Music by ! get Ladies First 50 emmed st a long a great rose & ize! door pr Members’ Meeting Sunday, Feb. 23rd 3:00pm Scott & Isaac Feldman Yeah, I’m looking at competing in the 2018 Winter Olympics Remote Heated Starters & Seats 216 Center Street, Auburn Next to Republic Jewelry Parking in back of building 777-3339 www.soundeffectsmaine.com Isaac Feldman Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2014 Jimbo UncleAndys.com 19 Doctor: “Drink a glass of milk after a hot bath.” Uncle Andy: “I don't think I'll have space left.” Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners. Sasseville Chiropractic Wellness Center, now located at 416 Sabattus Street in Lewiston, is excited to welcome Dr. Grant Lemire to their office. He will be offering chiropractic care, more treatment times and a special new technique called the Active Release Technique! Call the office at 777-3333 to schedule an appointment today! Dr. Grant Lemire, a Livermore Falls native, followed his dream to Davenport, Iowa and completed his Doctorate of Chiropractic at Palmer College of Chiropractic in 2013. He is a full body certified Active Release Technique (ART) practitioner which is a soft tissue system/movement based technique that is used to restore smooth movement of tissues and to release trapped nerves. Dr. Lemire uses manual adjusting, flexion-distraction, and activator methods. He has a special interest in sports medicine/rehabilitation and wellness (nutrition, exercise, and positive thinking) and is pursuing post graduate studies in Fascial Distortion Model (FDM). He is a member of the ACA (American Chiropractic Association) and ICA (International Chiropractors Association). He enjoys staying active and is an avid New England sports fan. See their ad on page 60 for more information. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Great Winter Specials going on NOW! Slept like a log last night... Woke up in the fireplace. CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC. FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983 OUR TIRES Scooter • Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections 60 Minot Ave • Auburn 782-6666 or 783-2026 A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM Jimbo If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? 20 February 2014 783-7039 Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot. Musical Money Submitted by Jimbo AUTO BODY COLLISION REPAIR & PAINTING We are a professional collision repair and painting facility. All work is guaranteed! Free estimates. Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Little Johnny said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got." That's great," smiled his uncle. "Have you learned how to play it yet?" "Oh, I don't play it," Little Johnny said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day, and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night." SNOW, SLEET, ICE... WE’RE HERE FOR YOU! 782-6515 1111 Center Street, Auburn ~ Next to Jim’s Auto Sales ~ Tasha Pelletier, Model Dr. Chandra Sasseville Baby Phenom Attempts Dead Lifting World Record* *Editor’s note: This came from Uncle Andy, so do you really believe anything that comes out of his mouth? The staff at Sasseville Chiropractic Wellness Center is proud to announce that Dr. Chandra Sasseville has been appointed to the Board of Chiropractic Licensure! “Thank you Dr. Sasseville for your commitment to ethics and your unbending attitude to the prudent deliverance of care to the Lewiston/Auburn Community!” Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2014 Jimbo UncleAndys.com 21 Don't worry about what people think of you, they don't do it very often. Birthing Class Submitted by Jimbo Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. “Ok everyone,” said the instructor at the birthing class trying to get everyones attention. “We are going to do an exercise now, that’s purpose is to help the men sympathize with their partners.” “Here we have a pregnancy suit,” said the woman instructor, holding up an artificial stomach with a strap. “This imitates the feeling of being pregnant. Which husband would like to volunteer to be the first one to try it on?” “I will,” said one man, taking the suit and trying it on. “This isn’t too bad said the man walking around. I think I could get used to this.” “Ok”, said the instructor smiling, “now I would like you to bend down and pick up my pen from the floor.” “You want me to pick it up?” he said hesitantly, ”just as I would if I was pregnant?” “Yes!” said the instructor. “Honey,” said the man turning to his spouse “do you mind picking up that pen for me?” Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo J.T. REID’S GUNS GUN SHOW Buy • Sell • Trade • Concessions When: Saturday, February 15th Time: 9:00am - 5:00pm Where: Ramada Inn 490 Pleasant St. Lewiston Cost: $5/person (under 16 & active duty military FREE) This is guns and ammo show only featuring dealers from New England. Contact J.T. Reid’s Guns for more information. Concealed firearms prohibited in show even with permit. J.T. Reid’s Guns Full Line Gunsmith Service Jamie Pelletier, Manager 86 Court St., Auburn 777-3579 email@example.com 9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat John Reid, Owner jtreidsgunshop.com Take the mystery out of driving....use your turn signal. 22 February 2014 783-7039 Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you. Out ’n About at the L-A Harley Chili Cook-off Come on down here and get some good bikes! Sweetheart Loans Available Here! Spring is right around the corner! Whether it’s a 4-wheeler, a motorcycle or any other vehicle we’ve got you covered! Gabby Martin, Geremy Bubier & Clay Bubier Call Dane, Ken, or Michele today! Gino Cote & Bert Asselin 2 neighborhood buddies Great Falls Federal Credit Union 34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500 *Restrictions & qualification apply John Story, the owner of L-A Harley is one great guy! www.GreatFallsfcu.com My mail is a little slow. Last month my flower seeds came as a bouquet. John Taylor Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2014 Jimbo UncleAndys.com 23 Our NEW expansion is now OPEN! 20% OFF BURGERS Every Monday in February 30% OFF All Draft Beers Every Monday in February i n c $25 lude pp s app sou p ent o r s e t i ze re e r a & de l ad , , s se rt ! Come watch your favorite sporting event e re Mak u n e l M y, & a i c e a d i Sp r F e rs ay, v d o s r L Th u ay f o r 15) rd . 13,14, &ns now! u t a S (Feb servatio in our brand new 1300 sq. ft. bar area. 11 TV’s • 16 beers on tap • Full menu all the time! THE place to be for lunch or dinner any day of the week! Mac’s Grill 1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn Bring your sweetheart to Mac’s, you’ll LOVE it! 783-6885 macsgrill.com Whoever said not to cry over spilled milk has obviously never had to pump before. Out ’n About at the L-A Harley Chili Cook-off Lori Walsh Sonny Daggett I love Harleys! Brrruuuummm... Kathy & Phil Cunningham The shoemaker did not deny his apprentice anything he needed. He gave his awl. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2014 Jimbo UncleAndys.com 25 Out ’n About at the L-A Harley Chili Cook-off Yes, I can see me sitting on my new Harley and you’re there too, honey. Always trust a glue salesman. They tend to stick to their word. Make Reservations NOW for this Valentines Special Bring your sweetie to Shooter’s on Feb. 14th & enjoy this amazing package: All you can eat spaghetti & meatballs, garlic bread & salad, a pitcher of domestic beer, a box of chocolates, 2 glasses of champagne & roses... ALL for $40. WOW!! Live entertainment starts at 8:30 so you can dance the night away with your honey! My Sweet Valentine Harold & Tracy Small 128 Lewiston St., Mechanic Falls • 345-7040 According to my best recollection, I don't remember. It’s cold out there... Valerie & Mike Doze with their son, Mikey Our Food Will Warm You Up!! Daily Specials: Monday: Ham Italian ...................sm. $1.59 lg. $2.59 Tuesday: 10” 1-topping Pizza ............................$3.99 Wednesday: Chicken Salad ..........................sm. $1.99 ........................................................................lg. $3.49 Thursday: BLT Bowl of (Chili $3.99) ......................................................sm. $1.99 lg. $3.49 Friday: Tuna Italian ......................sm. $1.99 lg. $3.49 Saturday: Baked Beans ................qt. $3.59 pt. $2.59 Sunday: .................................$2.00 off any large pizza Brad & Angela Try us once, you’ll be a regular! BUY 1 LAR * E GET 1 FRE other special ined with any Not to be comb GE PIZZA SABATTUS MAIN STREET MARKET 2 Main Street, Sabattus Leo Simoneau Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo Expires 2.28.14 OPEN 7 Days 6am - 8pm 375-8502 *equal or lesser value A cannibal's favorite game is 'swallow the leader'. 26 February 2014 783-7039 I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I've been carrying. I'm ex-static! Unique Treasures See Us for Collectibles • Antiques • Vintage Bookkeeping Plus QuickBooks Classes Offered Bookkeeping Services 9 Grove Street, Auburn • 782-8124 Classy Elegance & Second Hand Treasures 32 Riverside Dr. • Auburn • 998-5525 “Doing business without advertising is like winking in the dark, you know what you’re doing but nobody else does.” – Guerrilla Marketing Join all the other smart business owners you see in this magazine... you’ll be glad you did! UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST 783-7039 • editor@UncleAndys.com HARRIS BROTHERS PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268 Call us! No Separating Required! 743-3891 HARRIS BROS. Quality Used Furniture at affordable prices! Buying Single Items or Entire Estates! 386 Minot Avenue • Auburn 312-9139 • firstname.lastname@example.org Past 2 Present Furniture SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARIS MINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD Don’t Stress in that Dress! VISIT RachelVerrillEvents.com or Call 740-1409 “She did our wedding. Absolutely AMAZING JOB! Highly recommended! Thank you for everything you made our special day so much better!" – Josh Tice Photo taken by La Belle Vue Photography GOT HEAT?? FREE winter Checkup With Ad The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2014 Jimbo UncleAndys.com 27 Fixing the Golf Swing Submitted by Jimbo A golf course is a site to be holed. Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf." Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now." "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie. "You play golf!?" asks Jack. Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years." "But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks." I get my caddie to stand in the middle of (continued on next page) Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it! I love the big portions you get at Rolly’s! Their Veggie Omelette is fantastic! One of my favorites! Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily • Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu 87 Mill St. New Auburn 753-0171 Major League Baseball Play Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm from MAINE Sunday 7 am – noon Ben & Marge Lizotte eat at Rolly’s Diner everyday! I used to be a watchmaker. It was a great job and I made my own hours. Rubbing Elbows with Big Leaguers Tanner Marston, senior starting catcher at Poland Regional High School is flanked by Ryan Reid, left, who is a graduate of Deering High School and went on to play at James Madison University. He was drafted by the Tampa Bay Rays in the 7th round in 2006. Ryan (RH pitcher) was picked up off waivers by the New York Mets in December 2013. Charlie Furbush, right, graduated from South Portland High School, played college ball at LSU. Charlie is a crafty lefty who was drafted by the Detroit Tigers in the 4th round in 2007. He now pitches for the Seattle Mariners. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out. 28 February 2014 783-7039 (continued from previous page) Math teachers have lots of problems. Out ’n About at the Crystal Lake Ice Fishing Derby the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie. "But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice." Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?" " It was a perfect day for an ice fishing derby. The Maine Warden Service was proud to take part in it. yers Don Morrison, Lt. Adam Gormely & Jason Hall I went to the store to buy some soup but they were out of stock. VOTED #1: Best Sports Pub & Best Burgers in L/A area! Well, I play scratch golf," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?" "I don't care - any night next week is OK with me." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2014 Jimbo UncleAndys.com 29 Come watch your favorite team on our 13 plasma TVs! $6.99 Lunch Specials Mon. - Fri. Come Check it out! Valentine’s Day Specials for 2 all day! HOURS: Sun–Thurs 11:00am – 11:00pm • Fri & Sat 11:00am – Midnight 120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com A pat on the back is only a foot short from a kick in the butt. First Day of Class Submitted by Thomas Hill Can a physicist read the periodic table? Isotope so. One day a college professor was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a moron, and if they were, they should stand. After a minute a young man stood up. The professor then asked the kid if he actually thought he was a moron. The kid replied, “No, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.” Happy Valentine’s Day Purchase a Gift Certificate for your sweetheart & be entered to win a door prize! 14 Highland Spring Plaza, Suite A Highland Spring Road, Lewiston from All of Us at Kutters Korner! Any Set of 2 for $25 786-4311 Hours: Tues. & Thu. 6am - 8pm Wed. 6am - 5pm Fri. 8:30am - 3pm Sat. 8am - 1pm Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor. Here are the winning catches from the Crystal Lake Derby: Adult Trout 1.#256 Matt Boolt 4.20lb 2.#187 Lucas Rodrigue 2.66lb 3.#899 Albert Holden Jr. 2.10 lb 4.#909 Greg Massey 1.92lb Out ’n About at the Crystal Maine Game W ardens always have yo ur back Lake Ice Fishing Derby Adult EEL 1.#570Bobby Reed 1.74lb Adult Bass 1.#269 Freeman Forbs 5.74lb Adult Pickerel 1.#394 Dave Thibeault 1.28lb Adult Perch 1.#659 John Tibbets 1.01lb Kids Trout on H 1.#180 Alexis Larracey 1.19lb 2.#200 Andrew Shaw 1.16lb 3.#135 Anthony Ales 1.16lb all & Debra Ru m Kids Bass 1. Emily Hassey 3.09lb Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with The Crystal Lake Ice Fishing Derby was a huge success and a lot of fun! They received enough fish to feed 100 people through the Wayside Food Program in Portland. Fish for A Cure Derby was held on February 1st in Sabattus, February 8th in Phippsburg, and February 15-16 is the big Sebago Derby. Jimbo Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you start this thing?" 30 February 2014 783-7039 y er Ja s I'm so bright my mother calls me son. Calling All Lovers Join us for dinner Valentine’s Weekend Join us Thursday, Friday or Saturday (Feb. 13, 14 or 15th) for a Valentine’s Special Dinner! in the main restaurant or ask about our Out ’n About at the L-A Harley Chili Cook-off We’ll have a special menu that weekend for LOVERS in our loft with a specified wine for each meal. I heard Digest fans also LOVE 107.5 Frank FM. LOFT LOVERS SPECIAL! (our private dining area upstairs with music, wine & lovers menu) Call us to make reservations or for more info! A.J. Ridley & Dawn Bergeron Village Inn, 165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 Open Tuesday - Sunday • villageinnmaine.com A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. Brian Lovering won 2nd Place for his Devil Dog Chili Out ’n About at the SkillsUSA Competition at Lewiston Regional Technical Center The seniors at LRTC pose with one of the wall sections built during the competition. The winner will move on to the state competition in Bangor in mid March. The winner of that moves on to represent the state of Maine in June in Kansas City. Pictured are Isaac Lane, Jake Matson, Derek Montminy, Josh Melnick, Tanner Marston, Colby Tremblay, Chris Poisson, Nick Fortin, Vincent Callgiuri & Jason Merritt (Construction Teacher). George Gardner III & Letitia Laverdiere Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2014 Jimbo UncleAndys.com 31 60 cows can produce a ton of milk each day. Out ’n About at the L-A Harley Chili Cook-off I do a lot of spreadsheets in the office so you can say I'm excelling at work. Sarah Verrill Go Air Force! Jen & Steven Bowdich won 3rd Place with their chili Randy & Debbie Smith Hottest chili Always drink upstream from the herd. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo Affordable Office Solutions • 550 Lisbon Street in the Pepperell Mill, Lewiston (formerly S When I'm feeling tired at work I just use my smart phone to download a nap. 32 February 2014 783-7039 A guy became so good with a chainsaw that he was promoted to branch manager. Join us for our... Out ’n About at the L-A Harley Chili Cook-off Jack Brooks Watch out for #1! March 1st, 2014 in our NEW Location! 550 Lisbon Street in the Pepperell Mill, Lewiston Cathy & Bob Rivard Special Sale Prices All Day! 10% OFF Entire Purchase to our first 10 Customers Enter Our Grand Prize Drawing for a chance to WIN a FREE Eurotech Task Chair Stop in a nd talk to the PR EMIER Office So lutions Speciali sts in th e state! Jamie & Lucy Reynolds I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2014 Sherm Arnolds Flooring & Kitchen) • www.cubiclesinmaine.com • 783-4820 or 1-866-464-CUBE How could I trust the ceiling fan installer when I knew he was always screwing up. Jimbo UncleAndys.com 33 Letter from Boot Camp Submitted by Jimbo Yes some people claim to enjoy exercise, but then some people claim to have been abducted by aliens. Dear Ma and Pa, I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 am. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to (continued on next page) 596 Main St., Oxford • 539-8811 maine-lyaction.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer. 34 February 2014 783-7039 (continued from previous page) My eyelids are so beautiful, I can't keep my eyes off them. Many Hands Make Light Work A Request for YOUR Help We are GROWING and so is our need for more Board Members! We are coming to our supporters with a great need. As many of you already know, a board of directors is crucial to a non-profit agency. The success or failure of Habitat is significantly due to our volunteers. Without a board of directors, there will be no Habitat in Androscoggin or Oxford County for people to volunteer with. We have been blessed with a very hard working, but extremely small, group of individuals. Those individuals need some assistance in order for us to thrive and grow in Androscoggin and Oxford Counties. We have to get more individuals involved on a basic and ground level, or better known as the board of directors. Our current board wants to ensure that Habitat can successfully support the members and families of Androscoggin and Oxford Counties. WE CAN NOT DO THAT WITHOUT YOUR HELP!! New board members don’t have to be on the nuts-and-bolts of home construction (though they certainly can if they wish). We are looking for new board members who can meet monthly to help guide our overall efforts for AHFH, and help attract the people and energy we need to ensure a vibrant, sustainable future for the families we serve. We are looking for individuals who care about the housing needs of low income families, and about making our community a better place for these hard-working men, women and children. You might be a teacher, a student, a business owner or vendor, a corporate officer, a stay-at-home mom or a retiree. It doesn't matter what you do for a living, what matters is what you are willing to give back to your community. We hope for diversity of experience to help make us stronger. Would you be willing to help? Or do you know someone who would be a good addition to the Habitat Board? We appreciate all referrals! If you have any questions, or would like to express interest, please call or write Kim Veilleux at Androhabitat@roadrunner.com or 786-2598. harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from (continued on next page) Being honest may not get you a lot of friends but it'll always get you the right ones. WE’RE BETTING You’ll LOVE our food! We’re right on the way to the casino, stop in for a bite. Wall of Fame Inductees! Family-style restaurant serving breakfast & lunch every day! Home of the Double Yolker Egg-ceptional Restaurant 5 Pigeon Hill Road (Route 26 and 11), Mechanic Falls • 998-5577 Jonathan & Shane Corcoran of Gray & Poland Finish a full-size omelette and have your picture put on our wall of fame! I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2014 Jimbo UncleAndys.com 35 (continued from previous page) over in Silver Lake, I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.. Your loving daughter, Alice I've just opened a new restaurant called Karma. There's no menu, we just give you what you deserve. Jim’s Rent It Car accidents, no problem! We offer insurance-paid car rentals • Car Rentals • Passenger Vans with • Pickup Truck Rentals 7,8,12,15 Seating Capacity • Convertibles Lowest priced car rental in the area! Call 784-5438 for details 1097 Center St., Auburn If you are running next to me on the treadmill, the answer is YES, we are racing. Crazy Maine Laws Did you know that your shoelaces must be tied when walking down the street in Portland? A Leg Up Submitted by Thomas Hill An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. “I am afraid it’s just old age,” replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.” “That can’t be,” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.” “How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor. “Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!” Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo Out ’n About at the SkillsUSA Competition at Lewiston Regional Technical Center e Hebert Simon Hebert & Mikstu dents work of Hebert Construction jud ge the Action - Actions speak louder than words, with fewer lies and not so often! 36 February 2014 783-7039 Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents. Out ’n About at the Crystal Lake Ice Fishing Derby It takes Moxie to get me out in this cold weather... Featuring 131Vendors 7 Days a Week Open 9 AM - 5 PM We honor: M/C, DEBIT, ATM, VISA, Am. Express & Discover 960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149 500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store s Alway g n i y u B Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area! Handmade Shaker Furniture Next to the Undercover Flea Market The Colonial Cupboard In-stock items finished & unfinished VISIT “THE BOOK NOOK” Regular Paperbacks $1/each Moxie the Moose with Debra Rumery Here fishy, fishy, fishy. Need a certain special piece? We do custom orders and sizes; quick turnaround, quality craftsmanship, and reasonable prices. Open Sat. & Sun. 9am - 5pm email@example.com INVENTORY REDUCTION SALE! Ice fishing is my favorite sport. 207-595-7774 20% - 75% OFF Collectibles • Coins • Glassware • Sports Cards • Furniture • BEANIE BABIES Advertising Items • Jewelry • Cassettes • DVDs • CD’s • Videos • Antiques & Lots More! Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market! Open 7 days a week year-round for your shopping! My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. “We'll see about that.” Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2014 Jimbo UncleAndys.com 37 Iron Man Submitted by Thomas Hill I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted. An owner at a local club was so sure that his bouncer was the strongest man around that he offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him. The challenge was that the bouncer would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a glass. He would then hand the lemon to the customer, and the first one who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money. Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weight lifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge. After the laughter had subsided the club owner said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so the bouncer picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done, he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice into the glass. Everyone looked on in (continued on next page) Willow T ree Primitives 850 Main Street, Lewiston 754-8784 www.willowtreeprimitiveshop.com Open 7 Days a Week 10am - 5pm Your One Stop Shop For All Your Insurance Needs 9 South Main St, Mechanic Falls (207) 345-8711 or 1-800-339-0414 Jeff & Nora Cummings Diane Morissette â€˘ Joline Waite Call or stop in today for a FREE quote! Check out our new website: www.CummingsAgency.com Uncle Andyâ€™s Digest ...with Jimbo For plumbers, a flush beats a full house. 38 February 2014 783-7039 (continued from previous page) Maine is almost as big as all the New England states combined in size. Family Friendly Dentist ~ Right in Your Backyard ~ Serving Poland & Surrounding Areas Since 1997 amazement as the owner handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a construction worker, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS." Accepting New Patients! James F. Weigand, DDS General Dentistry 364 Maine Street Poland Spring • 998-4587 (Located at the Poland Community Health Center at the Corner of Rt. 26 & 122 WINNERS! Most Insurances Accepted Deb Leonard Awesome Sequence Photography winner of a 4 pack of tickets to a Portland Pirates game. Deb won a caption contest on the Uncle Andy’s Digest Facebook page. Only $1.00 Thin ing! k Spr Breakfast Sandwich Egg, cheese, & ham, bacon or sausage on our own homemade roll! Not to mention Breakfast Pizza, Muffins, Donuts & More... all made fresh on premises! Spend $20 & get a FREE pastry tray! Scott & Brayden Corriveau Another winner of a 4 pack of tickets to a Portland Pirates game. d y owne Locall ated 740 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 783-2981 & oper Open daily 5am-9pm • www.mygeorgios.com Georgio’s Our Facebook page is rockin’ - LIKE us and YOU might win, too! Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2014 Jimbo UncleAndys.com 39 In 1623, America's first sawmill was established in York, Maine. Out ’n About at the Allure Hair & Nail Salon Open House She's happy to make a pair of pants for you, or at least sew its seams. L AU N DROMAT • C LE ANE RS • CO I N -O P Behind Rite Aid off Union Street Bypass Julie Belanger This is my first time appearing in this great magazine! # COMING IN FEBRUARY Wash, Dry & Fold Service! 1 DROP OFF YOUR LAUNDRY # 2 WE WASH # 3 WE DRY # 4 WE FOLD Call or inquire within for more information. Muriel Bureau ! y s u B s i e f i L !! p l e h Let us Watch for Specials on our Facebook page Search: Beal’s Laundromat & Cleaners Jackie Ricker Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo Change is hard. Have you ever tried to bend a coin? 40 February 2014 783-7039 I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year. Out ’n About at the Allure Hair & Nail Salon Open House Looking for a NEW Place to do Your Laundry & Dry Cleaning? We’re Open EVERY Night until 9pm! 34 Washers from 10 lb to 80 lb capacity 40 Dryers! Stephanie Nadeau Katilynn Strong This open house had something very Allure-ing about it. Our customers say, “Beal’s is the cleanest Laundromat in L/A!” Mon.-Fri 7am-9pm • Sat. & Sun. 8am-9pm L AU N DR O MAT • CLEANERS • C OIN-OP The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up. Dee Kelley Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2014 Jimbo UncleAndys.com 41 Cold Water Submitted by Thomas Hill When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband" John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!" For lunch the old man made hamburgers. (continued on next page) Out ’n About at Doggz INN There’s always room at our INN. Ashley, left holding Baby Girl & Chloe holding Caesar. Sophie is in the chair. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal. 42 February 2014 783-7039 (continued from previous page) If you're only as old as you feel, how come I can't retire yet? – Robin Alumbaugh BATTERY & CORE Maine’s Most Trusted Recycler My job is to write you a big check! Nobody pays higher prices than us! Stop by and find out for yourself!! Cell Phone Scrap Computer Towers Stainless Electronic Scrap Mother Boards • Cores Brass • Alternators Starters • Motors • Pumps Computer Board Scraps Copper • Aluminum • Insulated Wire Electric Motors, Radiators, Transmissions Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!" Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me get to my car." Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!" Automobile & Truck Batteries Die Cast Alloy Rims #1 Steel Prepared/better grading/better payout Starters & Alternators Catalytic Converters Paying TOP prices for computer scraps! We pay EXTRA for copper & brass from LARGE businesses with LARGE quantities! Did You Know? Jethro Tull is not the name of the rock singer responsible for such songs as "Aqualung" and "Thick as a Brick." Jethro Tull is the name of the band. The singer is Ian Anderson. The original Jethro Tull was an English horticulturalist who invented the seed drill. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2014 Jimbo UncleAndys.com 43 Always paying the best prices! (prices subject to market changes) Mon - Fri 7am - 7pm 15 Pierce Street, Auburn Across from Maine Oxy. • Two driveways down from Doggz Inn. 6 1 5 - 7 0 57 o r 795-8887 Action - A man ordinarily has the time to do all the things he really wants to do. Out ’n About at the L-A Harley Chili Cook-off You want to clone yourself? Now wouldn't that be just like you! Auburn Exchange Club’s 38th Annual Twin Cities Daniel Brandon GUN SHOW SAT. MARCH 29th 9-4 SUN. MARCH 30th 9-3 at the Mary Kay Marston Lewiston Armory Central Ave., Lewiston Rembert Lessard Dealers from throughout d New Englan OPEN TO THE PUBLIC • 250 Tables of Guns & Related Items • Firearm Laws Will Be Observed • CONTEMPORARY & ANTIQUE GUNS OF ALL KINDS • KNIVES & OTHER RELATED ITEMS Kamden, Missy & Ken Moore Dawn Bergeron hugs her grandson, Kamden Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo Admission: Adults: $8 Children under 12: Free with adult Yes, Boss, I'm now saving my coffee breaks. When I have enough together I'm taking Friday off. 44 February 2014 783-7039 The secret of your future is hidden in your daily routine. – Mike Murdock Little Known Fact Charles Richter was born near Hamilton, Ohio, in 1900. Richter is most famous as the creator of the Richter magnitude scale that, until the development of the moment magnitude scale in 1979, quantified the size of earthquakes. Don’t Forget YOUR Valentine! Come and experience our 1 hour spa pedicure ONLY $40 (a $60 value) for the month of February! Your Make ent tm appoin y! Toda Gift Cards Available! Come experience Customer Service at its BEST! 185 Webster St., Lewiston • 783-0200 Like us on Facebook • AllureStudioLewiston.com Kim Lisa our Ask about m! a gr ro p referral Out ’n About at the Allure Hair & Nail Salon Open House Angella Brissette & Cody Watson We love wine while we’re dipping in paraffin. Christine Robichaud & Melanie Thompson I thought my itchy palms meant I was coming into some money... Now I hear it’s just dry winter skin. Oh well, I’ll just enjoy the hot wax treatment. Come Get the Most Bark for Your Bucks! Doggie Daycare $13/Day Only $9 for 2nd Dog! Overnights also available! Family owned & operated. Owners live on premises! Doggie Daycare Sp Call NOW! ots Available Find us on Facebook Howling Hill Dog Boarding 113A Fish Hatchery Road, New Gloucester "If it falls your lot to be a street sweeper, sweep streets like Michelangelo painted pictures, like Shakespeare wrote poetry, like Beethoven composed music; sweep streets so well that all the host of Heaven and Earth will have to pause and say, Here lived a great sweeper, who swept his job well." – Martin Luther King, Jr. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2014 272-7917 What do you call a group of crows staring at a bird feeder? A tempted murder. Jimbo UncleAndys.com 45 Brains vs. Brawn Submitted by Thomas Hill Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork but the heavier ones need a crane. The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.” “You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.” The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “all right, get in.” A Maine Tradition You Can Count On! Being the soup, chowder & salad guy is cool. I’ve been here 5 years & like the fact my co-workers are laid back. I eat here everyday and suggest you do the same! DAILY SPECIALS SUN. Baked Scallops . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$13.99 w/maple dijon butter MON. Turkey Dinner . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9.99 w/potato, peas, squash, stuffing, gravy & rolls w/salad or cole slaw & rolls TUES. Chicken Parmesan . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8.99 WED. Chicken Pot Pie . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $6.99 w/potato & rolls Scott Footer of New Gloucester THURS. New England Boiled Dinner . . . . .$9.99 w/ corned beef, potato, cabbage, carrots, turnip, beets & rolls FRI. & SAT. Fried Haddock . . . . . . . . . . .$11.99 Prime Rib Au Jus . . .sm. $14.99 lg. $17.79 Accept We Now rds! Credit Ca Join us on Friday & Saturday Nights for Live Music! Happy Hour 3-6pm Daily 14 Beers on Tap! Full Bar! 64 Lewiston Road, Gray • 657-4714 • ColeFarms.com Sugar plays more roles in jams and jellies than just sweetening the fruit. Sugar helps to preserve the fruit in jams and jellies from its ability to "tie up" water in the mixture and inhibit the growth of microorganisms and bacteria. Q. What can you never eat for breakfast? A. Dinner. New Homes Sun Rooms Garages Call us for your FREE quote! “The Difference is in the Details” Best prices with the highest quality workmanship. Call 753-9887 or 576-8528 OVER 20 YEARS OF BUILDING EXPERIENCE Fully Insured • Many References Available Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, expect a long sentence. 46 February 2014 783-7039 A whopping 542,629 acres of Maine is a part of national and state parks. DAD’S PLACE REDEMPTION 23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 Located in the building behind Dad’s Place Hours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm (closed Tuesdays & Major Holidays) e Come see th emp Cleanest Red ississippi! East of the M ring!! s coming this Sp Expanded hour Dad’s Redemption es v i r D Bottle me! Welco on all 5¢ returns with this coupon. (must present coupon at Redemption Center prior to counting) 6¢ ✃ UAD expires 2.28.14 The state of Maine is estimated to contain 6,000 lakes and ponds. SAVE $1,000! y Sweet Februar Deal! Just add it to my to do list... When you use your income tax return on any above ground pool See store for details Y NOBOD BEATS OUR S! PRICE POOL BUILDERS OF MAINE Quality Workmanship, Outstanding Service 26 Year s Experie nce 1525 Minot Ave, Auburn • 795-7222 • poolbuildersofmaine.com My tennis opponent was not happy with my serve. He kept returning it. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2014 Jimbo UncleAndys.com 47 Out ’n About at the Allure Hair & Nail Salon Open House Mothering comes natural to me... but Lisa is not my daughter, Jimbo!!! If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one. – Andy Rooney Linda Caouette I like to take a dip every once in a while.* To be held at Poland Regional High School Jimbo *A little paraffin dip that is. to benefit 2014 Project Graduation Saturday, March 1, 2013 (storm date March 2) Doors open at 5:00 pm Show starts at 6:00 pm Tickets available at: Yup, that’s my mommy! PRHS Mechanic Falls Town Office $6/advance $10/door Minot Town Office All ticket sales are final - no refunds Jimbo Kim Galgovitch & Kourtney Francoeur Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with I purchased a microwave bed recently, 8 hours sleep in 10 minutes. 48 February 2014 783-7039 There is a cannery in Wilton, Maine that cans and imports only dandelion greens. Out â€™n About at the Allure Hair & Nail Salon Open House Pauline Guimond Tarantula spiders can survive 2 and a half years without food. Angella Brissette Did You Know? Blueberries are grown in 35 states in the US, which produce over 90% of all of the blueberries in the world. Trivia buffs: The Native Americans taught the pilgrims to use blueberries in many ways. Blueberries were dried in the sun and ground into a powder. The powder was used to make a pudding called Sautauthig, and to season meat as a spice rub. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park. Uncle Andyâ€™s Digest ...with February 2014 Jimbo UncleAndys.com 49 Out â€™n About at Firehouse Grille with the Lewiston Fire Dept. They were raising money for the American Lung Association and supporting the 12 Lewiston firefighters that did the Fight for Air Climb that happened at One Boston Place on February 1. These firefighters climbed 41 stories in full turnout gear joined by 500+ other firefighters from all over New England. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too. I am just so excited to be part of this great cause! Bridget Cailler gives Dave Beaule a medal because his father Armand is awesome. Firefighters Dave Beaule & Mike Laliberte Firefighter Matt Wiers & wife, Stephanie Wiers Uncle Andyâ€™s Digest ...with Jimbo 50 February 2014 783-7039 The 'black box' that houses an airplanes voice recorder is actually orange so it can be more easily detected amid the debris of a plane crash. The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material. BACKGROUND CHECKS Pre-Employment Local, State, National and Federal Criminal History Out ’n About at Firehouse Grille with the Lewiston Fire Dept. includes: • SSN Verification/Address Verification • InstaNational Criminal History • Federal Criminal History • Maine SBI Criminal History • Sex Offender/Violent Offender search all states • Interpol / FBI most wanted • Terrorist watch list $45.00 Troy Cailler Tenant Screening $49.99 State and National Criminal History includes: • SSN verification/Address verification • InstaNational criminal History • Maine SBI criminal history • Sex Offender/Violent Offender search all states • Interpol / FBI most wanted • Terrorist watch list • Trans Union Credit Report w/ credit score • National Eviction Check (Civil courts, all states) Justin Shink We were told these firefighters have sad punums because they shaved their mustaches recently. We can only assume they had to shave them for less wind drag while sprinting up 41 flights of steps. Maybe it shaved off a few tenths of a second? A La Carte Pricing National Criminal History including Sex Offender all states ................................$18.99 SSN Address Verification.................................................2.75 Employment Credit report ...............................................9.00 Tenant Credit Report w/ score ........................................9.00 State of Maine SBI check...............................................24.00 State of ME drivers license history .................................9.00 Personal and professional reference checks ..............$10.00 Education verification....................................................15.00 Prior Employment verification......................................10.00 Professional License verifications.................................10.00 Single state Eviction check...............................7.00 per state National Eviction Check ................................................11.00 Other verification and Private Investigator services are available. All searches are conducted and filtered by a licensed private investigator to meet FCRA regulations to reduce your liability. Pre-adverse and adverse action letters and consumer copies provided at no extra charge to help you stay compliant with current FCRA regulations. Volume pricing is available. Volume customers can be set up to run reports right from their own office for their convenience. MID MAINE DRUG SCREENING & INVESTIGATIONS Full Service Drug Testing Company & Private Investigator Jimmy: Mmmmm! That turkey smells good and it's not even done yet. How long will it be? Mom: About the same length as it was before I put it into the oven, I suppose. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2014 Jimbo UncleAndys.com 51 577-6000 • www.MMDRUGSCREENING.com A relief map shows where the restrooms are. Little Known Fact The American popcorn king was born in Brazil, Indiana. He and his partner, Charlie Bowman, tried tens of thousands of hybrid strains of popcorn before achieving success. Trivia buffs: The hybrid was initially called RedBow but they were advised by an advertising agency to use the name Orville Redenbacher to market the corn. The trampoline was on sale for 50% off. Needless to say I jumped on the offer. Ann’s Flowers 14 Millett Drive, Auburn 782-3457 annsflower.com Let Ann’s Flowers help make your sweethearts Valentine’s Day memorable! I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn't have much of a plot. Thank you to everyone who attended our Open House! What a great turn out!! Out ’n About at the Allure Hair & Nail Salon Open House Christine Robichaud (of Panache), Kim Galgovitch & Lisa Olmstead (both own Allure) We’re proud of our little girl. This is a very nice salon. Linda Tardif, Kim Galgovitch, Sonny & Sylvia Tardif (Kim’s parents) Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Get out! We don't want your type in here." 52 February 2014 783-7039 If you work in a bakery you may have to take on many roles. Let us Wrap Your Sweetheart’s Gift! See the Experts in Vehicle Wrapping Out ’n About at Firehouse Grille with the Lewiston Fire Dept. It almost brings me to tears thinking about a world without our brave firefighters! After oking We’re already bo ! ng ri Sp into the !! Call us TODAY 1052 Sabattus St. Lewiston • 783-9021 • eastcoastsigndesign.com Gloria Shoemaker Hey, I’ve got my eyes on that “rare” Lost Valley poster on page 54! WOOD • COAL • GAS • PELLET 50 Save up to $2 FM Call or stop in 4 Sale ends 2.24.1 FIRESIDE STOVE SHOP Quiet, clean, elegant stoves. Several styles to choose from. 1220 Center St., Auburn Firefighter & stair climber Bob Cailler In 1599, lightning struck and destroyed a church steeple in Germany. Between that time and 1783, the steeple was rebuilt and struck by lightning three more times... always on April 18th! Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2014 Jimbo UncleAndys.com 53 Sale on es Harman Stov I 784-9249 www.firesidestoveshop.com How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket. Pre-Flight Entertainment Submitted by Thomas Hill I saw this guy chatting up a cheetah; I thought, He's trying to pull a fast one. At the airport for a business trip, Maureen settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then she heard the voice on the public address system saying, 'We apologize for the inconvenience, but BOAC Flight 937 will board from Gate 41.' Maureen picked up her luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told her that Flight 937 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So, again, Maureen gathered her carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as she was settling down, the public address voice spoke again, 'We would like to thank all passengers for participating in BOAC's physical fitness program.' 10% OFF Your First Snow Plowing Commercial & Residential SNOW REMOVAL SNOW PLOWING • SANDING & SALTING FREE QUOTES Morin avating exc Inc. Andy Morin 207.784.8293 cell: 207.576.4714 firstname.lastname@example.org $ 111 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • 782-4104 Raffle Tickets only available at The Hairem (drawing will be held on March 1st) All monies go to the American Lung Association We’re doing this to help support the Lewiston Fire Department’s Stair Climbing Team. 5 Raffle Limited edition poster 1st Prize: Lost Valley Print ( 500 value); 2nd Prize: 150 Gift Basket; 3rd Prize: Slump Bottom Creations $ $ Little Known Fact In 1999, Billy Mitchell of Fort Lauderdale, Florida, played the first perfect game of the Pac-Man arcade video game at Funspot Arcade in Weirs Beach, New Hampshire. He scored 3,333,360 points, the maximum possible. The entire six-hour game was videotaped. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo Used Commercial Buildings for Sale bout Ask a ry and e Delivet-up S Starting at $5.50/sq ft & up For more info. Call 207-515-1119 The plumber had to quit his job because it was too much of a drain. 54 February 2014 783-7039 The promises of some tailors are pure fabrication. Out ’n About at Firehouse Grille with the Lewiston Fire Dept. Yes, we fight fires but there’s no way I can douse Bridget’s enthusiasm! Firefighter & stair climber Justin Shink & Bridget Cailler Paul & Carmen Laliberte with son, Firefighter Mike Laliberte Firefighter Tim Pelletier, his wife Karen and their daughter, Jillian "When it comes to your marriage, if the grass looks greener somewhere else, it's time to water your own yard!" – Craig Groeschel Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2014 Jimbo UncleAndys.com 55 Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you. Out ’n About at Firehouse Grille with the Lewiston Fire Dept. Have you ever read a book by Shakespeare? No only by candlelight. For the month of February Retired LFD Captain Larry Morin & wife, Connie Happy Birthday, Kathy! One Hour Massage For Couples Rose Scented Pedicures Complimentary Strawberries & Chocolate Champagne with every side by side service Cassiels.com • 71 East Ave. Lewiston • 783-3321 I'm not late boss, I just took my coffee break before coming in. Sisters Bridget Cailler & Kathy Buckingham You’re probably wondering how I got to be so tall in such a short time? Troy Cailler Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo Almost 90% of the nation's lobster supply comes from Maine. 56 February 2014 783-7039 'I went to the doctors the other day and I said, “Have you got anything for wind?” He gave me a kite. Cussing Deacon Submitted by Jimbo Out ’n About at the L-A Harley Chili Cook-off A preacher had a deacon in his church who had a bad habit of cussing. In his attempt to help the deacon overcome this terrible habit, the preacher decided he should spend some personal time with him. So, he invited him to go fishing. They were both out in a boat and had their lines in the water when the preacher hooked a big one. He worked it for a long time and finally got the fish up to the edge of the boat when the line broke and the fish got away. Thoroughly disgusted, the preacher looked over and said, “Deacon, something needs to be said!” Daddy, we want to go for a ride! We’re serious, Daddy!! L-A Harley has the best customer service! Andy, Danielle, Addie & Bella Owen, Dwayne & Denise Wood 90% of the toothpicks available in America are manufactured in Maine. Little Known Fact In 1881, Wyatt Earp, his two brothers, and Doc Holliday fought with the Ike Clanton gang in Tombstone, Arizona. Three members of the Ike Clanton gang were killed while Earp's brothers were wounded. The most common bit of trivia associated with this is that the gunfight didn't take place at the OK Corral, but near the corner of Third and Fremont Streets. The best way to pay for a lovely moment is to enjoy it. – Richard Bach Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2014 Jimbo UncleAndys.com 57 Dog Grooming Daycare & Boutique 65 Washington St., Auburn, ME 04210 • (207) 333-3640 Est. 2008 email@example.com • facebook.com/thedoggzinn http://thedoggzinn.googlepages.com Our professional cage-free grooming salon & spa offers a variety of grooming services for your four legged family member. Our stylists use only professional grooming products designed for each individual coat type. Your dog will be massaged and hand dried to ensure a safe & enjoyable experience. All of our Spa services include teeth-brushing, premium shampoos & conditioners. For the month of February visit us and receive 10% off all grooming services! We have very flexible & friendly scheduling and we look forward to serving you! Jessica Kennagh featuring Mitch grooming services for the month of February! 10% OFF The only fully-staffed, cage-free, one-stop shop doggy daycare facility that offers 6,000 sq. ft. of climate-controlled indoor play area, and 20,000 sq. ft. of outdoor play area for small, medium and large dogs! FUN, SAFE & SUPERVISED PLAY ENVIRONMENT Boutique includes full line of dog supplies & products Planet Dog • Blue Buffalo • Lupine • Red Dingo • Mason Antlers I probably have blind spots, but I don't see them. We understand that caring for a loved one who has fallen ill, while managing the demands of your own life can be stressful and tiring. There’s no need to go at it all alone, let Assisted Home Care help you. - We Offer • Personal Care • Medication Reminders • Meal Preparation • Mobility/Walking Assistance • Light Housekeeping & Maintenance • Personal Laundry & Linen • Errands • Companionship • Toileting, Bathing, & Personal Hygiene • Shopping • Socializing & Visits with friends • Respite Care Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week Highly qualified staff - Certified Nurses’ Aides, Medical Technicians, Residential Medication Aides, Personal Care Assistants supervised by a Registered Nurse. Cost-Effective service • Rapid Response to Referrals Continuity of Care - We strive to meet requests, ensuring consistent staffing, and working as part of a healthcare team Consistent staffing - We see ourselves as a family, a family that wants to assist you and your family in your time of need Serving out community for over 16 years Assisted Home Care II (207) 783-7375 • (207) 212-6736 ~ Nancy Merrill, Administrator I want to grow my own food but I can’t find any bacon seeds. Baseball players of all ages turned out for a pitching clinic put on at the Edge Academy in Portland recently. The clinic was hosted by Maine Major League Baseball players Ryan Reid & Charlie Furbush. I could not pull out of my parking space, so I used my back up plan. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2014 Jimbo UncleAndys.com 59 Did You Know? The first full moon to occur on the winter solstice, Dec. 22, commonly called the first day of winter, happened in 1999. Since a full moon on the winter solstice occurred in conjunction with a lunar perigee (point in the moon's orbit that is closest to Earth), the moon appeared about 14% larger than it does at apogee (the point in it's elliptical orbit that is farthest from the Earth). Since the Earth is also several million miles closer to the sun at that time of the year than in the summer, sunlight striking the moon was about 7% stronger making it brighter. Also, this was the closest perigee of the Moon of the year since the moon's orbit is constantly deforming. In places where the weather was clear and there was a snow cover, even car headlights were superfluous. Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out. Find Us at Our Here we are folks! NEW Location! By mid February we will be in our NEW Location at: 416 Sabattus Street in Lewiston Sasseville Chiropractic Our NEW office will be better for our patients in so many ways: • Better Parking Accep • Handicap Accessible ting NEW • More Space Patien • New Doctor on Staff ts! • Onsite X-rays • Same Day New Patient Appointments • And Much, Much More! Accepting Most Insurances Call TODAY to schedule! 777-3333 y on Feb .1 7th ! Full of Hot Air Waiting for an elevator at a local hospital, I was standing next to a maintenance person holding a bicycle pump. Noticing my curious stares, he looked at me and remarked with a smile, "It's the newest HMO oxygen program." Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with Jimbo i Jo s as u n elebrate c e w our 10th Anniversar eck out our NEW ho in and ch me!! Stop In the room the curtains were drawn, but the rest of the furniture was real. 60 February 2014 783-7039 These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY 95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210 Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings Uncle Andy’s cubicle after a recent computer training session. Bart Kelsea, President (207) 784-6413 Boston Red Sox World Series trophies ’04, ’07 & ’13 Liquid Waste Pumping • Portable sanitation facilities There’s room on the table for more trophies! Service Rental Sales Do not neglect your Septic System For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically. CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT G.A. DOWNING CO., INC. Stewart Guilford & Friends at Hadlock Field in Portland 111 Woodman Hill RD Minot, ME 04258 207.782.4508 800.924.4500 We carry risers, covers, baffle replacements, septic additives. "Life has got a habit of not standing hitched. You got to ride it like you find it. You got to change with it. If a day goes by that don't change some of your old notions for new ones, that is just about like trying to milk a dead cow." – Woody Guthrie Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with BE A T T H E C O L D wi t h a R e mo t e St ar t e r Lifetime Guarantee 1339 Sabattus St. Lewiston Many Pricing Options. Call for details 754-7873 Jimbo It is better to light just one candle...than to clean the whole apartment. 62 February 2014 783-7039 It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers. Make an appointment with our showroom consultants to get easy access to a “World of Choices,” ideas and advantages. Glenda Mitchell: 514-1136 • firstname.lastname@example.org Tim Fox: 514-1137 • email@example.com Redlon & Johnson is a wholesale company and does not sell retail Dr. Rose of Center Street Dental Tiny Teeth with Important Jobs Why are your child's baby teeth important if they are just going to fall out anyway? It may seem obvious that your child's teeth allow them to eat and smile, but did you know that baby teeth are also essential for language and permanent tooth development? Teeth help our lips and tongue make sounds properly and this learning occurs while your child still has baby teeth. Amazingly, baby teeth also help guide permanent teeth into position, keeping them from growing in crooked. This is why Center Street Dental is excited to be celebrating National Children's Dental Health Month in February. We will be visiting schools and talking to the kids about the importance of brushing, flossing, eating healthy, and visiting the dentist. Unfortunately, dental decay is the most common chronic childhood disease, with more than 16 million kids suffering from tooth decay in the U.S. (American Dental Association). So keep in mind, it's very important for your child to be introduced to the dentist early to protect their tiny but important teeth! To find out about our “Sharing Smiles” poster contest with scholarship prizes, see page 50! Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with February 2014 Partnering with Professionals Showroom Hours: Mon. Tues. Wed.Fri. 8am 4:30pm Open Thurs. until 6PM APPOINTMENTS RECOMMENDED 3 Middle Street, Lewiston showroom.redlon-johnson.com When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland. I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me. Jimbo UncleAndys.com 63 Did You Hear The BUZZ Coming From Liquid Sunshine? When two zebras stand side by side they usually face each other in opposite directions to keep an eye out for predators. Come On In & Find Out What We’re All About! Bring us your tax return! We’ll Double Your Down Payment!* EXAMPLE $200 down = $400 down $300 down = $600 down $400 down = $800 down 2008 Volvo S60 2.5T *up to $400 Limit 1 Expires 2.28.14 On these advertised vehicles only 2007 Ford Edge SEL Auto, FWD, Alloy Wheels, Leather, CD Player, Roof $9,990 Auto, AWD, Alloy Wheels, Leather, Heated Seats, Roof $9,990 2007 Ford Focus ZX3 SE 2008 Jeep Compass Sport Auto, FWD, Alloy Wheels, 2 door, Roof, CD changer $6,790 4WD, Manual, Alloy Wheels, CD Player, AC $6,990 2009 Chevrolet Cobalt LT1 2006 Saab 9-7X 5.3i Coupe, Auto, FWD, 2 door, CD Player, AC $6,990 Auto, AWD, Alloy Wheels, Leather, Heated Seats, Roof $7,990 2008 Pontiac G5 2007 Saab 9-5 2.3T LIQUID SUNSHINE 865 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 333-3004 CAR WASH & DETAIL Hours: Mon- Fri 8:30am - 5:00pm • Sat 8:30am - 4:00pm Manual, FWD, 2 door, CD Player, Roof $7,990 Auto, FWD, Alloy Wheels, Heated Seats, Roof, AC, CD Player $9,490 867 Center Street, Auburn 753-0033 LakeCityExports.com When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.