Maria Jiunta Heck
Words to the unwise
tening are criminal and worth a spanking and a stint in the Luzerne County Correctional Facility. I know you will start to pull-away from the woman who almost died giving birth to you during these years and I advise against it. If your mother wants a hug, you better hug the needy broad. And if she wants a kiss, don’t offer the top of your head. There may be lice in there and she wants a kiss, not a mouthful of hair. The Teenage Years… Prime Dead Man Walking Days Do not take the only phone charger your mother owns and leave it at your friend’s house for a week. This is rational grounds for losing your own phone forever, or seven days, which in your mind is forever. If you’re a wrestler and don’t wear your headgear ALL THE TIME or you will get a fascinating disorder called Cauliflower Ear. Google it. It looks more like mashed potatoes, but whatever vegetable it is, it will turn everyone’s stomach. Chicks hate it. And, if you’re stupid enough to never wear your headgear and you wake up one day with an ear the size of a Kaiser roll, here is what NOT to do: Do not go into your neighborhood pharmacy and ask for syringes, like a common heroin addict. (With a buzz cut and a snappy Ralph Lauren Cardigan…but still…) If you should obtain syringes, do not depend on your 17-year-old friend to snap on plastic gloves, tune into a You Tube Video for a tutorial on draining procedures and plunge the syringe into the turnip in order to aspirate. Not once, not twice, but three times. Your friend is a phenomenal wrestler, but a sucky doctor. Did I mention chicks hate cauliflower ear? When you’re 17 years-old and your very generous curfew is not satisfactory when measured against the curfews of friends or enemies, do not decide to beat the parental system. Coming home in time for curfew, pretending to go to sleep, sneaking back out of the house again and then falling asleep and never coming home is: A. Very. Very. Bad. Idea. The police think so too. Boob. Kids, here’s hoping you take my pearls of wisdom and not repeat my own children’s idiotic mistakes. Some of your stupidity is preventable … most is not. It’s just how boys are wired. Most boys. And men too, actually. You’re all screwed. Remember that your random acts of foolishness cause your mother’s frown line to deepen and her already unpredictable mood swings to tip the barometer toward the direction of “kill.” Have a heart…think before you act. As if. Well, at least watch your head. That ceiling fan causes a lot of cranial damage. Like, a lot. Good luck.
Maria Heck frequently dispenses such motherly advice in her column which appears in this space every other week.
Mary R. Ehret, MS, RD, LDN Penn State Cooperative Extension
Back to basics The New Year is a time for many opportunities. Taking a look at our family’s food choices and our own is a great beginning to a new year. Do we fill half of our lunch and dinner plates with fruits and vegetables? If so, then great. If not, then why not? Our bodies benefit much from eating fruits and vegetables. They ward off many chronic diseases and improve the quality of our lives by fighting something called “free radicals.” According to the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine, United States Department of Health and Human Services, “Free radicals are highly unstable molecules that are naturally formed when you exercise and when your body converts food into energy. Your body can also be exposed to free radicals from a variety of environmental sources, such as cigarette smoke, air pollution, and sunlight. Free radicals can cause “oxidative stress,” a process that can trigger cell damage. Oxidative stress is thought to play a role in a variety of diseases including cancer, cardiovascular diseases, diabetes, Alzheimer’s disease, Parkinson’s disease, and eye diseases such as cataracts and age-related macular degeneration. Most of us are probably creating more free radicals because of eating and rather than exercising in large amounts. So how do we fight these free radicals off? Fruits and vegetables naturally have compounds called phytochemicals, or simple plant chemicals. I refer to these often in this column as getting back to basics with fruits and vegetables have many benefits. Each day our bodies, large and small need a variety of vegetables. Deep green, red orange, leafy and in lesser quantities, starchy vegetables like corn and peas. Some may say, I don’t have time, or they are too costly to buy. Some may say, I’ll take it in a pill form. The recommendation is to get it from the natural source, food. Food gives us satiety, variety, and a break from boredom. January is a great month to dust off those old recipes for soups, stews and roasted vegetables all which contain vegetables. January is also a great month to taste the sweetness of fresh fruit. Many can be baked to fill the house with their wonderful aromas. Let’s take a look next at the cost of fruits and vegetables. First, choose what’s in season. Cabbage, carrots, celery and onions make a great stir-fry with loaded phytochemicals. Bananas, oranges and pears can range from $ .69 cents per pound to $1.49. Compare your family’s serving size of snack crackers, chips and donuts with the cost of one piece of fruit. How do they measure up? Get back to basics this January by getting fruits and vegetables back on your plate. Make them half of your plate. To begin, try this easy to make stir fry. Make a double batch and enjoy the planned leftovers for lunch the next day. Stir Fry Winter Vegetables
1 cup diced cabbage 1 cup peeled and sliced fresh carrot 1 cup sliced celery 1cup chopped green pepper 1/2 cup low sodium chicken broth 2 tbsp chopped fresh rosemary and thyme or 2 tsp of dried rosemary and thyme Fresh ground pepper Spray pan with non cooking spray. Heat on low, add cabbage, carrot, celery, green pepper and broth. Simmer for 5 minutes. Add rosemary, thyme and pepper. Heat for 5 more minutes. Enjoy! Mary R. Ehret, M.S., R.D., L.D.N., is with Penn State Cooperative Extension, Luzerne County, 16 Luzerne Ave., West Pittston, Pa., 18643. (570) 825-1701/602-0600. Fax (570) 825-1709. mre2@psu.edu.
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There is a phenomenon that floats around the Heck Asylum every now and then …okay, constantly, and we call it Dead Man Walking Syndrome. This is an occurrence that transpires when one or both of my sons complete an act so radically stupid that it literally robs me of my breath. I’m fascinated that when such things occur, their marginallyformed brains never turn on the: “Crap…I am going to be in SO MUCH TROUBLE” switch. It’s only once they are caught committing random acts of idiocy that the switch may turn on, but only halfway. I‘m writing this column to all my young friends out there. Consider this a gift. Read the contents carefully and I will save you from a world of hurt and an epic amount of grounding. Learn from my little spawn’s mistakes. Read and learn! The Very Young Years When you’re 4 years-old and new to a neighborhood, here is what NOT TO DO: open a window, pull down your pants and moon the new neighbors…among whom happen to be a reverend and his wife. Also, do not add the words: “Hi! We’re new here! Kiss my rear!” It just leaves a bad taste in everyone’s mouth and doesn’t bode well for longterm neighborly relationships. Try to borrow a cup of sugar after that nugget drops. Do not take-off your Pull-Up and have an accident on the garage floor. If you do, confess. Do not run into the house and say you just saw a squirrel and a deer poop in the garage. Simultaneously . Highly unlikely scenario coupled with the ick factor doubles your punishment. Do not borrow your mother’s razor and shave the dog. And worse, put it back, unclean, in the shower. Just don’t. Do not scooter across Wyoming Avenue and encourage your friends to do the same because you swear they were all born with “Super Speed.” You are a liar and they are a bunch of sheep following their lying leader. Don’t ding-dong-ditch the entire street. Pick one or two houses. I can handle two irate phone calls…but not twelve. Don’t ask your mother why her face is creased, or why her belly looks like Play Doh, or why she has old-lady cold hands. The Pre-Teen Years CLEAN YOUR GROTESQUE ROOM. The more it smells like Lizard Gecko feces, the more days you will spend in solitary confinement. Just pick up your stinking underwear for God’s sake. That goes for food products in your room, as well. An Oreo is a cookie when it’s in the pantry but it’s a breeding ground for various things on multiple legs when it’s hidden under your bed with a coffee cup of curdled milk. Don’t jump up and down on your parent’s bed when the ceiling fan is on. I mean … really? Be sure you don’t pocket-dial your mother when you’re out carousing with the homies. The things she hears you say when you don’t know she is lis-
NUTRITION CORNER
SUNDAY DISPATCH, SUNDAY, JANUARY 13, 2013
MOTHER’S DAZE