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THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013

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GUIDE 5 NEWS OF THE WEIRD Weird, but true stories from here and around the globe

8 CONCERT BEAT 10 TOP SPINS & MOVIE REVIEW

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013

THIS WEEK

VOL.1 ISSUE ISSUE 132. 6 • OCTOBER 27--APRIL NOV 2,2,2010 MARCH 27 2013

Concert listings from many places

Gina Crash from The Bone’s Top 10 Radio Hits. & A movie review

BEAT 11 LOCAL Each week we comment on local or national talent.

12 HOT SHOTS

Maybe we snapped a pic of you, check it out!

13 CD REVIEW

14 CLUB & PUBS

We are working on it but need your help please send info

17 GROUNDHOG MADNESS 21 ZODIAC

Tyler Drake points out legal action taken against one PA Groundhog

Your astrology for the week

24 JOKES & COMICS

12 HOT SHOTS 31 MODEL BEAT 31

A few chuckles to get you through the week

MODEL BEAT Last, but certainly not least your model of the week

Welcome to The Valley Beat Newspaper! Lehigh Valley’s Hottest Alternative Newspaper. We are currently distributing in locations, throughout Easton, Nazareth, Bethlehem, Catasauqua, Quakertown, Allentown, Reading Wescosville, also locations in the Pocono’s, Kutztown, Doylestown, Northampton Contact Information: Fax: 484-229-0506 thevalleybeat@gmail.com • valerie@thevalleybeat.com clubinfo@thevalleybeat.com • distribution@thevalleybeat.com

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THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013

by Chuck Shepherd

LEAD STORY: HOLY HAND GUNS!

REDNECK CHRONICLES

One of the many decisions greeting Pope Francis, as Salon.com pointed out, is whether to officially recognize a Patron Saint of Handgunners -- as urged by a U.S. organization of activists for more than 20 years. According to legend, St. Gabriel Possenti rescued an Italian village from a small band of pillagers (and perhaps rapists) in the 19th century by shooting at a lizard in the road, killing it with one shot, which supposedly so terrified the bandits that they fled. No humans were harmed, activists now point out, signifying the handgun was obviously a force for good. The head of the St. Gabriel Possenti Society has noted that, however far-fetched the “lizard incident” may be, it was rarely questioned until U.S. anti-gun activists gained strength in the 1980s.

--Gary Ericcson, 46, was distraught in January at being charged with animal cruelty in shooting to death his beloved pet snake. He told the Charlotte Observer that he is not guilty, as the dear thing had already passed away and that he shot it only “to get the gas out” so that other animals would not dig it up after he buried it. He said he was so despondent (fearing that a conviction will prevent him from being allowed to have even dogs and cats) that in frustration he had shot up and destroyed a large cabinet that housed his Dale Earnhardt collectibles.

CAN’T POSSIBLY BE TRUE -- Though Americans may feel safe that the Food and Drug Administration approves a drug only for certain specific uses, the U.S. Court of Appeals in New York ruled in December that drug company salespeople have a First Amendment right to claim that drugs approved for only one use can be

PERSPECTIVE --First-World Products: The DogTread Treadmill is a modification of the familiar exercise machine in homes and health clubs, with special features for dog safety -- a helpful invention in a nation in which over half of all pet dogs are too fat. (A somewhat higher percentage of cats is overweight, but it is unlikely that marketing a cat treadmill has ever been considered.) The Association for Pet Obesity Prevention points out that pets can develop type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure and osteoarthritis, and that the problem stems from insufficient exercise and overindulgent owners. (The DogTread Treadmills sell for $499 to $899.)

marketed for nonapproved uses, as well. Doctors and bioethicists seemed

INEXPLICABLE

outraged, according to the Los Angeles Times, generally agreeing with a Uni-

-- Two teachers and three student teachers at a Windsor, Ontario, elementary school somehow thought it would be a neat prank on their eighth-graders to make them think their class trip would be to Florida’s Disney World, and they created a video and PowerPoint presentation previewing the excursion. The kids’ exhilaration lasted only a few days, when they were informed that plans had changed and that they would instead be visiting a local bowling alley. Furthermore, the teachers captured the students’ shock on video, presumably to repeatedly re-enjoy their prank. (When the principal found out, she apologized, disciplined the teachers, and arranged a class trip to Niagara Falls.) -- Solutions to Non-Problems: (1) Illinois state Rep. Luis Arroyo introduced a bill in March that would ban the state’s restaurants from serving lion meat. (2) Georgia state Rep. Jay Neal introduced legislation in February to ban the implantation of a human embryo into a nonhuman. Rep. Neal told the Associated Press that this has been a hot issue in “other states.”

versity of Minnesota professor who called the decision “a complete disgrace. What this basically does is destroy drug regulation in the United States.” -- Denials of disability allowances in the town of Basildon, England, near London, are handled at the Acorn House courthouse, on the fourth floor, where afflicted people who believe they were wrongly rejected for benefits must present their appeals. However, in November, zealous government safety wardens, concerned about fire-escape dangers, closed off the fourth floor to wheelchair-using people. Asked one woman, turned away in early February, “Why are they holding disability tribunals in a building disabled people aren’t allowed in?” (In February, full access resumed.) -- Among the helpful civic classes the city government in Oakland, Calif., set up earlier this year for its residents was one on how to pick locks (supposedly to assist people who had accidentally locked themselves out of their homes), and lock-picking kits were even offered for sale after class. Some residents were aghast, as the city had seen burglaries increase by 40 percent in 2012. Asked one complainer, “What’s next? The fundamentals of armed robbery?” (In February, Mayor Jean Quan apologized and canceled the class.) -- We Must Kill This Legislation Because Too Many People Are for It: In February, the North Carolina House of Representatives Rules Committee took the unusual step of pre-emptively burying a bill to legalize prescription marijuana (which 18 states so far have embraced). WRAL-TV (Raleigh-Durham) reported Rep. Paul Stam’s explanation: Committee members were hearing from so many patients and other constituents (via phone calls and emails) about the importance of medical marijuana to them that the representatives were feeling “harassed.”

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

-- Imprisoned British computer hacker Nicholas Webber, 21, serving time for computer fraud, hacked into the mainframe at his London prison after officials allowed him to take a computer class. Like most prisons, the Isis facility attempts to rehabilitate inmates with classes to inspire new careers, but apparently no one made the connection between the class and Webber’s crime. (One prison staff member involved in the class was fired.)

READERS CHOICE

(1) Teri James, 29, filed a lawsuit recently in San Diego against San Diego Christian College because it fired her for being pregnant and unmarried -- a violation of specific employee rules. She said the firing was obviously illegal gender discrimination because her job was quickly offered to the next-most-qualified candidate -- James’ fiance, who was openly cohabiting with James all along and is the baby’s father. (2) In a Philadelphia courtroom in February, alleged assault victim John Huttick was on the witness stand tearfully describing how miserable his life has become since he lost his left eye in a barroom fight with the defendant. Right then, however, his prosthetic eye fell out. The judge, certain that it was an accident, quickly declared a mistrial (especially since two jurors, seated a few feet away, appeared sickened).

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(Are you ready for News of the Weird Pro Edition? Every Monday at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com and www.WeirdUniverse.net. Other handy addresses: WeirdNews at earthlink dot net, http://www.NewsoftheWeird.com, and P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679.) COPYRIGHT 2013 CHUCK SHEPHERD

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013

NEWS OF THE WEIRD

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013

WING NIGHT MONDAY : Starters Pub Wings 50¢ Wings • ½ Price Boneless

24 Taps

www.strangebrewtavern.co 610-841-3610

Featuring a wide array of domestic, import, micro & craft Brews

5pm-11pm

s Clubhouse WEDNESDAY : Starter s Wings ½ Price Wings & Boneles 5pm-10pm

WAT CH A L THE GAM L HER ES E

Entertainment This Week: Fri Mar 29 – Ultra Kings Sat Mar 30 – Sweet Spot Sunday – Open Mic Night

CLAM NIGHT se Monday : Starters Clubhou $2.00 Dozen Clams

5pm-11pm

Open 7 days a week 11am - 2am

strangebrew610

1996 S. Fifth St Allentown

(corner of S. 5th St & Emaus Ave)

5pm-10pm

TUESDAY : Starters Pub $2.00 Dozen Clams

Kitchen open 11am til Midnight

½ Price Burgers too!

TRIVIA NIGHT

Miller Lite Aluminum Can $2.50 except for Stahley’s

Wednesdays, 7:30pm at Starters Pub

$7 Sandwiches

STARTERS CLUBHOUSE GRILLE

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400 Illicks Mill Rd • Bethlehem (610) 625-0060 www.starters-clubhouse.com

&

Cheesesteaks

STARTERS PUB

3731 Route 378 • Bethlehem (610) 997-5454 www.starterspub.com

BIG WOODY’S (12TH) MARCH 27, 4PM-7PM

BIG WOODY’S (BETHLEHEM) APRIL 3, 4PM-7PM

PIZZA COMO APRIL 4, 4PM-7PM

MILLER LITE 16oz Aluminum $2.50

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013

PAGE 7

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013

CONCERT BEAT

CHAMELEON CLUB, Lancaster, PA TICKETS 717-393-7713

Senses Fail, Apr 3 Kings Foil, Apr 6 Reverend Horton Heat, Apr 13 Launch Music Conference, Apr 26

TICKETS 212-307-7171

CROCODILE ROCK, Allentown, PA TICKETS 610-434-4600

Reverse Order, Apr 6 Reverend Horton Heat, Apr 10 Ganstagrass, Apr 26 Millionaires, Apr 28

TICKETS 570-325-0249

MOHEGAN SUN ARENA AT CASEY PLAZA, Wilkes Barre, PA TICKETS 570-920-7600 Gabriel Iglesias, Apr 12 Ringling Bros & Barnum Bailey, Apr 24-28

MOUNT AIRY CASINO RESORT, Mount Pocono TICKETS 877-682-4791 War, Apr 20 Best of NY Burlesque, Apr 27 Thunder from down under, Fri & Sat Jul 5 - Aug 31

WELLS FARGO CENTER Philadelphia, PA

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Bar Stool Black Out Tour, Apr 18 3 Days Grace, Apr 19 Chris Young, Apr 20 Steel Panther, Apr 26

IRVING PLAZA, New York, NY

TICKETS 800-745-3000

YES, Apr 7 Anjelah Johnson, Apr 13 Wayne Newton, Apr 20 Goo Goo Dolls, Apr 21 Steve Earl, Apr 26 The Machine Pink Floyd Trib, Apr 27 Alabama, May 2 Alice in Chains, May 7 Boz Scaggs, May 10

Brian Regan, May 12 Motley Crue, May 20 -21 Chicago, May 22 Weird Al Yankovic, Jun 4 Billy Idol, Jun 9 Willie Nelson, Jun 16 Rock of Ages, Jun 10 Michael McDonald, Jul 7 Los Lobos, July 10 Sarah Brightman, Sep 22

HERSHEY PARK ARENA, Hershey Park, PA TICKETS 717-534-3911

One Direction, Jul 5, 2013 • Dave Matthews Band, Jul 13

TROCADERO, Philadelphia, PA TICKETS (215) 922-5483

Senses Fail, Apr 4 Living Colour, Apr 6 Toots & the Maytails, Apr 10 R5 - Loud Tour, Apr 11 Volbeat, Apr 11 The Presidents of The United States, Apr 15 Olly Murs, Apr 20 Metal Alliance Tour w/ Anthrax, Apr 20-21 Sammy Adams & T. Mills, Apr 23 Apr 24 SOVEREIGN CENTER, Reading, PA Sparks, The Polish Ambassador, Apr 26 TICKETS 610-898-7200 Johnny Mar, Apr 30 Chris Young, Apr 20|Alice Cooper/ Marilyn Manson, Jun 18 The Breeders 20th Anniversary, May 5 Peter Murphy, May 9 THE ELECTRIC FACTORY, Tod Rundgren, May 11 Philadelphia, PA Ghost, May 12 The Darkness, May 15 TICKETS (215) 627-1332 Josh Ritter & The Royal City Band, May 16 The Hooters, Mar 27 The Black Crowes, Apr 12 Mindless Self Indulgence, Apr 14 Seven Dust, Apr 18 Suicidal Tendencies, Apr 19 Bassnectar, May 1-2

448 N 17th St

(610) 776-7711 R5 Loud Tour, Apr 7 Carly Rae Jepsen, Aug 2 Frampton’s Guitar Circus, Aug 5 Styx & Foreigner, Aug 7 Darius Rucker, Aug 9 Ke$ha, Aug 10

SHERMAN THEATER, Stroudsburg, PA TICKETS 570-420-280

Toby Keith & Kip Moore, Jun 22 Jimmy Buffet, Jun 25 Dave Matthews Band, Jun 28-29 Vans Warped Tour, Jul 12

SANDS EVENT CENTER Bethlehem, PA

MAINGATE NIGHT CLUB

TICKETS 215-336-3600

Maroon 5, Apr 4 Fleetwood Mac, Apr 6

Rick Braun, Mar 30 The Fixx, Apr 4 Ophira Eisenberg, Apr 11

SUSQUEHANNA BANK CENTER Camden, NJ

TICKETS 212-777-6800

The B-Street Band, Mar 29 Eagle Mania, Apr 13 Willy Porter, Apr 19

TICKETS 610-332-1300

Armin Van Buuren “A State of Trance”, Mar 30 Fleetwood Mac, Apr 8 Alicia Keys, Apr 11 Eric Clapton Crossroads Guitar Fest, Apr 12-13

TICKETS 877-686-5366

MAUCH CHUNK OPERA HOUSE, Jim Thorpe, PA

MUSIKFEST CAFE Bethlehem, PA

MADISON SQUARE GARDEN New York, NY

Rebelution, May 4 Volbeat, May 6 Asking Alexandra, May 8 Bullet for my Valentine, May 19

KESWICK THEATRE, Glenside, PA TICKETS 215-572-7650

Jesus Christ Superstar, Mar 28-30 Living Color, Apr 4 Bill Cosby, Apr 7 The Mavericks, Apr 10

PENNS PEAK, Jim Thorpe, PA TICKETS 570-325-0371 Gary Allan, Mar 27 Satisfaction, Apr 5 Rick Springfield, Apr 28 Skid Row, May 31

Check Out The Hooters March 27th at The Electric Factory in Philadelphia

sunday may 19 / 6pm brews75 brothers west maIn st. Luzerne, PA

PAGE 9

tiX at Ticketmaster.com, Charge-By-Phone 800.745.3000, At ALL Ticketmaster outletS Including all walmart stores, And At THE venue’s BOX OFFICE.

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013

SLP CONCERTS PRESENTS YOUR PENNSYLVANIA CONCERT CALENDAR

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013 Page 10

Movie Review

GINA CRASH’S TOP 10 BROUGHT TO YOU BY

1

2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

10

By Chris Bumbray

FREAK LIKE ME

HALESTORM

THE STRANGE CASE OF…

BONES

YOUNG GUNS BONES

HOLLOW

ALICE IN CHAINS THE DEVIL PUT DINOSAURS HERE

PLOT: A demoted secret service agent, Mike Banning (Gerard Butler), is the nation’s only hope when Washington D.C is attacked by North Korean terrorists, who seize the White House and the president (Aaron Eckhart). REVIEW: Remember the nineties? Back then, the “DIE HARD on a...” genre was the go-to formula for action movies. There was SPEED (DIE HARD on a bus), UNDER SIEGE (DIE HARD on a ship), PASSENGER 57 (DIE HARD on a plane), etc. Heck, the genre was so popular, even the clones started to get clones of their own. It’s therefore amazing that Hollywood has taken this long to crank out a “DIE HARD in the White House” variation, although to make up for it- this year- we’re not only getting the tent-pole WHITE HOUSE DOWN, but also this week’s entry- OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN.

WHERE DID THE ANGELS GO? PAPA ROACH

THE CONNECTION

THE HIGH ROAD 3 DAYS GRACE

TRANSIT OF VENUS

ALIVE

ADELITA’S WAY

HOME SCHOOL VALEDICTORIAN

BY CROOKED STEPS SOUNDGARDEN

KING ANIMAL

HEAVEN NOR HELL VOLBEAT

BEYOND HELL / ABOVE HEAVEN

TEMPEST

DEFTONES

KOI NO YOKAN

FROM CAN TO CAN’T

COREY TAYLOR / DAVE GROHL

SOUND CITY SOUNDTRACK

For star Gerard Butler- who’s found himself in a slew of pretty bad movies over the last few years- OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN is a major comeback to the type of role he does best. As our hero, Banning, Butler is unusually clean-cut- clean shaven with a tidy haircut- and suits the part of a badass secret service agent, duty bound to rescue his commander and chief. It plays to all of his strengths, with Fuqua giving Butler ample to opportunity to engage in quick and dirty hand-to-hand scraps, and tons of blazing firefights. Butler always delivers in action roles, and this really feels like the kind of movie his built-in audience will go for. Over the two hour running time, Fuqua doesn’t waste a heck of a lot of time on plot, which is probably a good thing as the script feels a more than a tad thin. The way the North Korean terrorists attack the White House really strains credibility, and this is certainly a “turn your brain off” kind of ride, not that there’s anything wrong with that. The terrorists are pretty generic, and even the big baddie, Rick Yune, isn’t given much to do other than act mean, and administer beatings. However, my biggest complaint about OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN isn’t the lack of depth for the villains, but rather the murky look of the film. The CGI, which is used a lot, is also pretty dodgy, although it seems like less of a liability than the cinematography. Given the scale of the film, OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN could have easily cost twice what it ended up as, and the FX suffers as a result. The initial attack on DC-including an aerial assault- probably needed a much bigger FX budget to be pulled off convincingly. Flaws aside, OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN still really delivers a solid two hours of entertainment. It remains to be seen what kind of movie WHITE HOUSE DOWN is going to end up being, but I doubt it’ll be as hardcore as Fuqua’s movie. As a pure action exercise, OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN really delivers. Gerard Butler fans,who’ve spent years waiting for this, and hardcore action junkies are going to be very pleased.

BOOTLEG EXPRESS L-R: Dana Gaynor, Suavek Zaniesienko, James Supra, Al Wanamaker

Clockwise from left: John Karas, JR Peterson, Paul Shankweiler, Bill Lytle

and “Stray Cat Strut.” They threw in some Three Dog Night, George Thorogood, Johnny Cash and Chuck Berry and the house was rockin’! By this time, the beer was flowing freely and those in attendance at Strange Brew were diggin’ on The Doors’ “Roadhouse Blues!” Better to be in a roadhouse than a speakeasy as I’m sure Prohibitionists Eliot Ness and J. Edgar Hoover were spinning in their graves.

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013

by: Mitch

Bootleg Express adroitly changed gears by downshifting to some Brit rock with covers of The Rolling Stones, Bad Company, Cream, The Who and Jethro Tull. I was particularly fond of their rendition of Tull’s “Locomotive Breath” - a song I just don’t really get to hear except on the radio or juke box. I spoke to bass player, Bill Lytle, and he told me, “We are going to work on some Deep Purple songs, more Jethro Tull, AC/DC and Rush. Rush is my favorite band. We’re going to learn Rush’s “In the Mood.” Now imagine hearing all the great American rock that they already play with an even bigger chunk of British, Australian and Canadian Prog Rock included. I told Bill, “You’re a man after my own heart.”

It’s “Still” Rock and Roll

NASCAR’s roots date back to the Prohibition Era when bootleggers, trying to get a leg up on Eliot Ness types in hot pursuit of their illicit booze, souped up their cars so they could outrun their pursuers and deliver their contraband. How could they have possibly known that their exploits would not only eventually cause Uncle Sam to relent and repeal the Eighteenth Amendment, but also give birth to one of America’s most popular spectator sports? Let’s raise a glass to the bootleggers! Our latest band that rocks, Lehigh Valley-based Bootleg Express, has embraced the historical significance of the American bootlegger, NASCAR racing and good ole American rock and roll. Band members are John Karas (guitar/vocals), JR Peterson (guitar/vocals), Bill Lytle (bass) and Paul Shankweiler (drums). Swamp, southern, blues, and country rock with a touch of rockabilly are their specialties and they played a wide variety at Strange Brew Tavern in Allentown on Friday, March 8. Right off the bat, we were swamp-bound with CCR’s “Born on the Bayou.” Karas was spectacular on guitar and sang with all of the familiar John Fogerty nuances. Creedence was a heavy staple for Bootleg Express throughout the night as they also covered “Hey, Tonight”, “Travelin’ Band”, “Green River” and “Down on the Corner.”

There is no pretense with this band. These are all regular guys who truly enjoy playing the music they love and they love playing to appreciative crowds so cheer them heartily when you see them play. Bill said, “We just wanna play out more; as much as we can. We enjoy what we’re doing. We’re playing stuff that everybody likes to hear.” Like many other local musicians, Bill is concerned about the decrease of available booking opportunities for live bands. “There’s a lot of places closing up and it’s pretty tight trying to get in to any place anymore. You’re fighting tooth and nail trying to get in there.” Keep fighting the good fight, Bill. At least there are still some places like Strange Brew where you can swill some cold suds, grab some pub grub, watch the games or NASCAR and keep the rock alive – all at the same time. And we have to thank them and continue to patronize them. I know I will. Mitch has been on the air rockin’ the Lehigh Valley for eighteen years and has been with The Hawk for the last ten years! Tune in weeknights for The Six O’Clock Class Reunion and great classic hits from the 60s through the 90s and on Saturdays for great giveaways including free concert tickets for great area shows! To have your band reviewed please contact me at: mitch999thehawk@gmail.com

PAGE 11

ZZ Top covers included “Beer Drinkers and Hell Raisers”, “Tush” and “La Grange.” We enjoyed some Setzer with our seltzer as they belted out Stray Cats’ “Rock This Town”

If you like to rock out to all of the music of the aforementioned bands plus hear the likes of Joe Walsh, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Steve Miller and Steppenwolf and if you like to dance to the music of Stevie Ray Vaughan, Georgia Satellites and Wilson Pickett, then Bootleg Express is ready and willing to do your bidding.

Page 12

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013

CLUTCH - EARTH ROCKER

PAGE 13

Clutch, out of Germantown, Maryland is one by now, this album may be a good starting point of those bands who you either love or just to understand what Clutch is all about. All of don’t understand. They are a band that can their albums are good, but this one might finally rock your face off at a live show and have a introduce them to the mainstream. To be sure, cult-like following in the so-called sub-genre this is not something they will be at all happy of Stoner Rock. While these labels attempt to with, but in doing so, more fans of rock music classify Clutch, it’s just not that simple. They are will begin to appreciate their current and past known for their non-commercial appeal and not musical efforts. conforming to music industry standards. Their Track after track on this eleven song music is often unconventional and lyrics at times masterpiece, the band never relents, pushing even nonsensical. That’s what makes Clutch hard while the vocals maintain rawness and great. They do what they want for the sake of intensity through and through. Not many bands music and giving their fans raw, unadulterated can do this. Usually, you get a few hit songs and a rock-n-roll. Their signature sound is largely lot more album filler. Not Clutch. Most rock bands attributed to front-man/vocalist Neil Fallon and today wouldn’t dare mess with harmonica and his burly voice along with the riffs and wicked cowbell and get away with it, but this is Clutch leads of guitarist Tim Sult. we’re talking about here (Track #4, “DC Sound Musicians and fans alike enjoy these guys for Attack”). One track that doesn’t ‘rock’ is “Gone their raw musical “Track after track on this eleven song Cold,” but that’s because output that is best masterpiece, the band never relents, pushing it is more a classic blues exemplified by the title hard while the vocals maintain rawness and tune than hard rock song. It track and first single reminded me somewhat of intensity through and through.” off the new album, “Earth Rocker.” Listening to what The Black Keys have been doing for a while, it for the first time, it begins a little mellow, but but this is definitely signature Clutch, only with a twenty-five seconds in, you know without a doubt tender feel. this is a Clutch album that is going to blow you Listing and reviewing every track here would be away with vocals and guitar, immediately making desirable, but due to space constraints for this you realize you better buckle-up for an albumcolumn, it can’t be done. What can be said is that long “Crucial Velocity” (release and track #2) of there is no clear favorite on this album because prime US rock-n-roll. These guys epitomize hard all of it is excellent. This record may well go rock and never pretend to be anything but true to down as one of Clutch’s best to date. I suggest their roots and fans. They continue to get better seeing them on tour this spring in support of with every album while remaining true to who Earth Rocker. You will not be disappointed. and what they are. Just take a look at any photos of the band. They don’t look the part because they don’t have to. They let the music do the www.facebook.com/thevalleybeat talking and if you haven’t taken notice of them

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013

CD REVIEW

By: Mr. Mouse

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013

CLUBS AND PUBS ALLENTOWN

Platinum Plus Gentlemen’s Club 1231 Airport Rd South, Allentown, PA 18109 610-433-3311 Tilted Kilt 2835 Lehigh St 610-791-2100 Grumpy’s BBQ Roadhouse 3000 Mauch Chunk Rd, 610-769-4600 3/29 Exit 22 3/30 Nite Flyte Rascals Pub & Afterdark Lounge 6616 Ruppsville Rd 610-366-1130 Tuesday Nights: Karaoke w/DJ Troy 3/29 Here Now / Comedy Show 3/30 Billy T Acoustically / Call Your Mama Pitchers Sports Bar & Grill 570 Union Boulevard 610-841-4001 Friday: Live Entertainment

Page 14

Stratus Night Club 1193 Airport Road 610-776-2090 Wednesday: Karaoke

BATH

Cornerstone Pub 506 Penn St 610-837-6670

BETHLEHEM

Bar With No Name 300 Gateway Drive 610-866-5800 Fridays: DJ Cap Cee Saturdays: DJ Trama

MacGrady’s 117 E. Third St 610-868-8925 Wednesday: Baseball Thurday: DJ@10pm Sat: BOGO Burgers Sunday: Football

Funhouse 5 E. Fourth Street 610-868-5311 3/27 Every Man 3/28 Scott Pine & the Conifers 3/29 WhiskeyHickon Boys 3/30 Beyond Eden 3/31 DJ Realion

Diamondz 1913 W Broad St Bethlehem, Pa 18018 610 865 1028 Monday: Jukebox Strange Brew Thursday: Karaoke Tavern Fri & Sat: Dance club/ 1996 S. Fifth St 610-841-3610 Karaoke Monday: Pong night Sunday: Karaoke Sunday: Open mic 3/22 Ricky Smith & Bethlehem Brew The Crush Works 3/23 Droppin’ Trou 569 Main St 610-882-1300 Roosevelt’s 21st 1328 W. Tilghman St Vision Bar @ Sands (610) 770-1444 4/5 Alien Arcade Event Center 77 Sands Boulevard Jetport Lounge 610-297-7410 3400 Airport Rd. 3/29 Lost in Paris Allentown, Pa 3/30 DJ Reese 610-266-1000 Wednesdays: 6-12am Tally Ho DJ Jimmy K 205 W. Fourth St Fridays: 610-865-2591 Mike Mitman

Sands Bethlehem Molten Lounge 511 E. 3rd Street 484-777-7777 3/27 DJ Johnny B & Carm 3/28 GoGo Gadjet 3/29 UUU 3/30 Total Whiteout 3/31 Mr. Echo 4/1 Emily’s Toybox 4/2 Joey Casella Roosevelt’s 21st 25 E. Elizabeth Ave (610) 266-1950 April 16th Troegs Dinner

Godfrey Daniels 7 E. Fourth St 610-867-2390 3/27 Daves Night Out 3/29 George Kilby Jr 3/30 Danny Schmidt

CATASAQUA Blue Monkey Sports Restaurant 1092 Howertown Rd 610-266-1550

Lost In Paris 3/29 Vision Bar at the Sands Event Center Bethlehem, PA

Beyond Eden 3/30 Funhouse Bethlehem, PA

Bad Influence 3/30 Pocono Pub Bartonsville, PA

COOPERSBURG

Silhouettes Showbar & Gentlemen’s Club 111 E. Station Ave (Right off 309) 610-282-8010

BARTONSVILLE

The Pocono Pub Rt. 611, Bartonsville 570-421-5743 Monday: Open Mic Tues, Thurs, Sun: Karaoke 3/27 Scooby & Cookie 3/30 Bad Influence

EASTON

Spanky’s East 1700 Butler St 610-559-5170 Tues: Texas Hold Em’ Drinky’s 3 Centre St Sq 610-252-3800 Wed: Pong Night $100 Fri: DJ Zee Porter’s Pub 700 Northampton St. 610-250-6561 3/27 Irish Jam 3/28 Yan Carlos Sanchez 3/29 Start Making Rent 3/30 Steve Kelly & Mark Fahad

Call Your Mama 3/30 Rascals Pub Allentown, PA

MORE ON PAGE 21

Main Gate 17 W. Liberty Street 610-776-7711 Friday Night: Noche Latina Saturday: Classique 80’s, 90’s music

The Brewworks Restaurant & Brewery 812-816 W Hamilton St 610-433-7777 Tuesday: Comedy Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: Karaoke Friday: Office Party Saturday: Guided Tours

SEEKING IMMEDIATELY •SALES ASSISTANTS •DRIVERS •INTERNS thevalleybeat@gmail.com

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013

BY: Tyler Drake

PAGE 17

Harsh world these days. As snow flurries Madness has perhaps ironically been the only improbably advance on Easter weekend, the thing keeping some of us sane. The first weekend judicial system contemplates the execution of the three-weekend tournament narrows the of Pennsylvania’s most famous rodent. field from 64 teams to just 16 in a 48-game orgy Punxsutawney Phil, the prognosticator of spring, of buzz-beaters, dunks, swats, upsets, overtimes, bungled his forecast this year and critics are Cinderella stories, and badger-beatdowns. And out for blood. Traditionally, this celebrated this year, the action has been above average, groundhog (or whistle-pig or land-beaver) and close to the Lehigh Valley: some thrilling comes out of his hole in Punxsutawney, PA on games have been played in Philadelphia, and February 2nd. If he sees his shadow, he crawls three Philadelphia-based teams have played back into that hole from whence he came and we some great ball. La Salle of Philadelphia, a 13 are cursed with six more weeks of winter. This seed in the tournament, beat back the badgeryear, Phil’s interpreter Bill Deeley announced besting boys of Ole Miss to advance to the that the celebrity rodent had predicted an Sweet 16. The La Salle Explorers play the upstart early spring, and yet here I am this morning nine-seeded Shockers of Wichita State in the wearing a winter coat and brushing fresh snow next round. off my windshield. And although I might have Most years, the Sweet-16 matchup of a 13 seed cursed that damned land-beaver, I did not think against a nine seed would be the biggest story, to pursue legal action, unlike Butler Country, but this year marks the first time a 15 seed Ohio prosecutor Mike Gmoser. Gmoser, whose has ever advanced to the second weekend. territory is home to noted budgetary villain The Eagles of Florida Gulf Coast University, a John Boehner, filed a “Gmoser, whose territory is home to noted school only established criminal indictment budgetary villain John Boehner, filed a in 1991, stunned the twoagainst Punxsutawney criminal indictment against Punxsutawney seeded Georgetown Hoyas Phil for the botched (established 1789) in the first Phil for the botched forecast.” forecast. There is no legal precedent for the round and then followed that historic victory state putting a groundhog or an inaccurate (only the seventh time this has happened; one of weatherman to death, even in Texas, but the other six was the Valley’s Lehigh University presumably a guillotine of the proper size would beating Duke last year) with another victory not be difficult to make. However, Deeley, the over San Diego State University (known in San oversized hamster’s handler, has stepped in to Diego as STDSU for venereal reasons). The gulftake the blame, and it seems unlikely at this point coasters won in convincing fashion, with doublethat the state will pursue a death sentence. digit victories punctuated by highlight-reel dunks In other badger-related news, the Badgers of in both games. Nobody predicted that. the University of Wisconsin were knocked of In fact, this month has challenged the very limits the yearly unpredictable men’s NCAA basketball of prediction. Punxsutawney Phil’s interpreter, tournament (colloquially: March Madness). The according to legend, is infallible while he holds Badgers, who were coming off a strong showing a magical Arcadian cane, and yet he was wrong. in the Big Ten tournament and were predicted by The new pope (who pundits did predict would be both your correspondent and President Obama another old white male) is supposedly infallible, to advance to the Elite Eight in the big dance, lost and yet even his papal majesty had Georgetown to a surprising Ole Miss squad by eleven points. beating Florida Gulf Coast. Harsh world these With this seemingly unending winter, March days.

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013

GROUNDHOG MADNESS

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THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013

ARIES Doors swing wide open for you around Wednesday and Thursday. Opportunity’s knocking -- so greet it with a smile (and more, if it’s of the romantic variety!). Friday or Saturday could involve issues surrounding who’s in charge. Are you ready to negotiate when it comes to a certain situation or relationship? Then, on Sunday, you’re much more likely to see eye-to-eye with this person -and it looks nice. The golden rule is in full effect as the week gets under way: Respond to others with the thought and care you’d like them to use with you. The good karma you accrue is priceless.

TAURUS Your subconscious mind is active, and a little mischievous, in the middle half of the week, and you may find that some things you believe for sure turn out to be only half true. Your sweetie or crush turns out to know a lot more than you thought about something big over the weekend. You are thinking about long-term commitments on Monday -- even if you just started dating, or are very single! There’s nothing wrong with thinking about it, and if the circumstances are right, you may want to open negotiations. GEMINI Wednesday and Thursday, an extra set of hands and eyeballs (and the extra perspective that comes with them) makes projects (or even play) much better. Say howdy, partner! Be sure to be explicit about plans, ideas and feelings from Friday through the weekend -- and get those around you to do the same. Draw them out with your winning, persuasive ways. Sunday can bring a bigtime breakthrough! It looks like you’re sticking to your guns as the week gets going, and you’ve got the smarts to make an insightful argument for your point of view, too. A logical approach works wonders. CANCER Wednesday and Thursday, take a one-for-you, one-forme approach; your attention to helping others and also helping yourself makes everybody feel good, whether at work or in your personal life. Then heads up! Something you see or hear from Friday through the weekend helps you take a step in a slightly different, much better direction -- perhaps in an important relationship (or one that’s becoming important!).Take a deep breath and another look as the week begins -- if you don’t, you risk taking something personally when you shouldn’t. (Also, be sure to pause before you make any agreements final.) LEO Your heart’s definitely got something to say around Wednesday and Thursday, and before you know it, you might just be blurting it out. Good for you! You’re hot, so make some stuff happen. Then, from Friday through the weekend, it looks like something (or someone) is really sparking your enthusiasm. Just be sure to allow some space for natural growth and evolution. You might be getting lots of input as the week gets going, and, sure, you’ll want to consider it all. Just remember that the most important feedback will likely come from within. Don’t neglect your best instincts!

SCORPIO Slow down midweek, though, because you may be a bit gaffe-prone and too easily tripped up by words. It’s a good time to play it safe, whether you’re involved or looking for love. No matter what, you need to make the first move this weekend -- you’re pretty much as smooth as silk and should be able to lay down some unbelievable sweetness! Your personal energy is incredible on Monday, and you should be able to attract a new sweetie or convince your current flame to do almost anything within reason. Live large! SAGITTARIUS You’re ready to let some good times roll around Wednesday and Thursday, when friends and maybe a sweet surprise or two are in the stars. Your personal style shines, and it keeps on shining through the weekend. That imagination of yours is working overtime on some hot stuff! Somebody loves your way with (warm, witty) words now, too. Introduce a new idea into the mix on Sunday for some interesting results. Give yourself time to puzzle through something at the start of the week. Whether it’s a work issue or something more personal, you can come up with an unusual (and unusually good) solution. CAPRICORN Speaking of dreams, those who think you’re all about the nitty-gritty may be surprised by your philosophical (or romantic!) side around Wednesday and Thursday. Your personal vibe gets even better on Friday and Saturday -- you’re all charged up, and it’s the magnetic kind, with you attracting all kinds of positive attention. Enjoy! On Sunday, stick with what’s working. A little prep time is a big help as the week starts moving. Get your work agenda and your social calendar all lined up, and choose a goal, hope or dream to keep at the forefront of your mind. AQUARIUS New people are important midweek, either as potential sweeties or as folks who can help you infuse some new social energy into your relationship. In either case, you’re excited by the new possibilities! Life starts to get really confusing this weekend, and that goes doubly for your romantic side. You feel totally exposed on Monday, and ought to embrace the feeling, even if it is uncomfortable. That should only lead to greater intimacy, whether or not you think you’re ready for it! PISCES An open mind and a little caution don’t have to be mutually exclusive, and you’ll want both working for you around Wednesday and Thursday. Keep those cues you’re picking up on in your back pocket for later -- like Friday or Saturday, when you’re down to Earth and ready for action. Consider taking the lead now (you’ll look great up there!). Then, on Sunday, exploring’s as much (or more) fun than simple forward motion. Look around you!

CLUBS AND PUBS continued HELLERTOWN

Beer Mussels 1214 Main St 610-838-8200 Friday: Leechboy Saturday: Texas Hold’em Sunday: Texas Hold’em

PALMER Charles Chrin Community Ctr 4100 Green Pond Rd

CENTER VALLEY Melt Level 3 2805 Center Valley Parkway 610-798-9000 Fridays DJ Chubby C Saturday DJ Fog (Dan Glatts)

QUAKERTOWN Big Daddy’s Wagon Wheel Tavern Route 313 & Sternersmill Rd. 215-536-9989 3/30 The Johnny Cash Show

WIND GAP Score Card Sports Bar 130 N. Broadway 610-863-5269 Thursdays : Funtime Karaoke 9:30pm - 1:30am

READING

Rumorz 220 N. Park Rd 610-374-3200 Brass Lantern 1350 N 12th St 610-372-9311

KUHNSVILLE Kuhnsville Inn 5745 Memorial Rd 610-395-2387 Wed & Fri: Karaoke

WESCOSVILLE

Krocks Pub 1160 S. Krocks Rd 610-391-0648 Sat: DJ Linx

NORTHAMPTON The Gin Mill / Main St Music Hall 1750 Main Street 610-262-5486 Wednesday: Karaoke Thursday: Karaoke Hammerhead Lounge 326 Main Street 610-262-6713 Tuesdays: Karaoke/Billiards Thursday: DJ B-Rad Fridays: DJ Statik 3/30 Tim Harakal, Nick, Mike

MACUNGIE The Pub On Main 102 E. Main St 610-966-2275 Thursdays: Comedy Night The Longswamp Tavern 20 Gap Road 610-702-3700 3/30 Free Juke Play 4/6 The Valley Cats 4/13 Maddam Ink

OREFIELD

Leather Corner Post 6855 Horeshoe Road 610-395-1782 Tuesday: Trivia w/ DJ Slacker Wednesday: Acoustic Jam Thursday: Open Jam 3/29 Application Gypsie Tribe 3/30 Reaction

CLINTON, NJ Revolution 111 W. Main Street Clinton NJ Inside Holiday Inn

DOYLESTOWN

Puck 1 Printers Alley 215-348-9000 3/29 Mike Roi & the Secret 3/30 Tracy Grammer Chambers 19 / The Other Side 19 N. Main Ave 215-348-1940 The Farmhouse Tavern 380 N. Main St 215-345-9373

PENNSBURG

PC Pub Restaurant & Sports Bar 500 Pottstown Ave 215-679-4900 Thur/Fri/Sat: DJ The Perk 501 E. Walnut St. 215-257-8483 Wednesdays: Open Mic Thursdays: Trivia Night Saturday: Karaoke

GOULDSBORO The Grandview Gentlemens Club Rt 435 570-842-2661 Tuesday: College/Miltary Night Amateur Night April 3rd

STROUDSBURG Sarah Street Grill 550 Quaker Alley 570-424-9120 Wednesday: Open Mic 3/29 The Pocono Duo 3/30 Hunter Monroe 3/31 The Pocono Duo 4/2 Zac Lawless & Sideshow

For entertainment listings email us: thevalleybeat@gmail.com

Check out Reaction (Formerly Old Head) at the Leather Corner Post This Saturday March 30th

PAGE 21

VIRGO You might want to loosen those plans up -- or set them aside altogether -- around Wednesday and Thursday. A looser approach, as well as an open heart and mind, allow room in your world for the expansion the stars favor now. Let it grow. From Friday through the weekend, it just might be your love life that’s flourishing gorgeously. Make it happen, hot stuff! Getting stuff done -- and lots of it! -- is likely priority-one for you as the week begins. Just make sure pertinent people are on board with your plans, or else conflicts are in the cards.

LIBRA The stars call on you to check your priorities now. What’s most important? Be conscious about such choices -- you’ll have a stellar opportunity to explore them more around Wednesday and Thursday. And if you’ve got a chance to explore vis-a-vis a certain someone, it looks like now’s the time. (Get them in on it!) Then, on Friday or Saturday, an old issue or a person from your past may resurface. By Sunday, though, it’s all about fresh stuff -- especially in your love life!

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013

ZODIAC

Page 22

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013

PAGE 23

USA Senior Health Care Solution So you’re a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any income taxes any more. IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!

Cinderella Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won’t let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. “First, you must wear a diaphragm.” Cinderella agrees. “What’s the second condition?” “You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.” Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn’t show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied. “Where have you been?” demands the fairygodmother. “Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!” “I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.” “I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!”

Page 24

“I can’t remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other...” Plane Flight A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, “Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?” The woman replies, “I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.” The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, “I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?” The woman looks at him and says, “Pepper.”

VIEW DIGITAL ISSUE ONLINE AT THE VALLEYBEAT.COM

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013

JOKES

THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT MARCH 27, 2013

MODEL BEAT

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PAGE 31

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Issue 132 - March 27th, 2013