Sheaf Section B 2008-10-16 by The Sheaf

DRINK UP The Sheaf explores the finer wines in life

Michelle Berg

Educating the inebriated: changing winos into connoisseurs Ashleigh Mattern Arts Writer The title of Drayton Thomson’s business says it all. It’s About Wine is all about wine: what to drink, how to drink it and what to drink it with. Thomson conducts wine seminars for large or small groups, focusing on education. “We are a country that is still learning about wine,” said Thomson. “Compared to the rest of the world, we’re a young country in wine knowledge and there’s a thirst for the knowledge out there.”

Canada has only been known as a wine producer for about 10 to 15 years, said Thomson. This is partly due to the cooler Canadian climate. “We have farmers and wine makers that know how to produce grapes and wine in our climate,” he said. “There has been work in creating clones of grape varieties that are better suited to our cooler climate.” Canada may even be better suited to create quality wines than some European countries, Thomson suggested. Canadian grapes have a higher natural acidity, an important factor when making the drink.

Wineries in warmer places like southern France even add acid to their wines to improve their taste. “We have a climate suited to making good quality wine, especially micro-climates, or small areas, such as Kelowna and Vancouver Island,” he said, adding these wineries are quickly building a good reputation. This idea tends to run counter to the general belief that European wines are better. Thomson said it’s all a matter of education. That’s where It’s About Wine steps in. “Wine is a learned experience,” he said. “Wine has astrigincy and

tannin and if your palate is not used to that, you can’t taste the fruit.... (The palate) needs to be trained or you have to learn how to appreciate that kind of taste in your mouth.” Besides training the palate, Thomson hopes to train people how to drink wine as well. He said he dislikes the North American mindset of drinking to get drunk, suggesting wine should never be consumed by itself. Many of his seminars revolve around matching wine with food. “To have wine by itself is almost a shame because the wine is so much better when you pair it with

food.” Thompson also said he sees drinking wine as a social engagement and thinks it’s important to know what you’re talking about. “Drinking wine and talking about wine makes the ambience of the evening that much more enjoyable,” he said. “If your knowledge of wine increases, you’ll be able to participate more.” So before you drink up, do your research. The more you know, the better your appreciation and enjoyment of the end product will be.

DIY booze-making for beginners Make your own liquor cabinet

BURNABY, B.C. (CUP) “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” —Benjamin Franklin The big beer and wine companies may make you think that the art of booze-making is some of kind of advanced science that requires a PhD. Well, they are wrong. Home beer and wine-making is a task that can be learned in an afternoon and one which only takes several weeks of patience to enjoy the fruits of your efforts. So, here, for your brewing pleasure, are the basics.

arts@thesheaf.com

Beer-making Is there anything more wonderful than a cold beer in the summer? I doubt it! Beer has been enjoyed since ancient times — apparently first invented by the Mesopotamians. Some scholars have even suggested that it pre-dates bread as a grain food staple. History also tells us that beermaking is not just a macho exercise. Ale-making was a chore that women usually took care of in the great days of the Middle Ages. When it comes to beer-making you have two major options, just like sex — you can either do it at home or you can do it somewhere else. Somewhere else means a U-Brew place, which has some advantages

to making beer at home. They clean the mess for you, you have less work to do and if you are short on clean bottles or other supplies, they generally have some handy. U-Brews are also good if you are planning a party in two weeks and need a keg. The disadvantage is that they are more expensive than making beer at home and the batches are larger and thus less economical — most batches cost over $100. Bottles from U-Brews cost an arm and a leg and you have to transport the beer back home. If you are doing things truly DIY and making the beer at home, you need to get yourself some supplies. There are starter kits for purchase,

which include your primary, glass carboy, a big-ass spoon, siphon and siphon rod, airlock / bung, sanitizer and hydrometer (more on these later). Bottles are a difficult thing for beginners to amass in a large enough quantity through routine drinking. Luckily, I have a secret that I must share with you. Japanese restaurants sell beer like Sapporo and Kirin and will gladly sell you the used bottles for the deposit (10 cents each). The bottles are around 650 millilitre capacity, thus a better size to use for DIY beer making because you use less caps, less energy and generally people drink more than a beer a night anyway. Continued on B5

TOMSON HIGHWAY Signing

UPCOMING EVENTS

Joe Paling The Peak (Simon Fraser University)

Saturday, October 18, 10:00 AM

�

RANDALL MAGGS Reading & Signing

Night Work: The Sawchuk Poems Monday, October 20, 7:30 PM

www.thesheaf.com • 16 October 2008 • the sheaf run Oct 16, 08.indd 1

10/08/08 2:56:59 PM

Section B

Local Artists combine forces in joint art show

Model Disaster Luke Siemens takes a different approach to creating catastrophe

Luke Siemens and Benjamin Hettinga Arts Writers

and are lying on a raft in a lake and it’s 35 degrees. Relaxed. LS: Relaxation through repetitive pattern — is drawing meditative for you? If so, how does that affect your choice of imagery?

While preparing for their upcoming show at the Stall Gallery, local artists Luke Siemens and Benjamin Hettinga sat down and interviewed each other for the Sheaf.

BH: I guess the final pieces when finished are mandala-ish (an art form originating in the hindu religion) but the patterns themselves are inspired by many things; most recently I have been into Navajo and Mexican designs.

Luke Siemens: Ben, one of the words I keep hearing in relation to your work is “psychedelic” but I’ve felt that this label is inappropriate, as it doesn’t allow for enough interpretation, and perhaps mischaracterizes it. How would you describe your work?

LS: I can see that influence coming through. What else has influenced your work? BH: Henry Flynt and his fusion of hillbilly, garage rock and Indian raga is amazing and I strongly agree with his campaign against “serious art” in the early ’60s where he protested John Cage and Stockhausen accusing them of “artistic and cultural imperialism.” His violin and guitar playing is totally hypnotic. Along the same lines, I am

Ben Hettinga: I can understand why some people consider it psychedelic and I’m alright with that. I hope that it’s more than that, though. My art is the drawing of patterns repeated over and over again, transformed into silkscreen prints. The process of drawing repetitive patterns is relaxing. I want the viewer to feel like they have drunk two beers

The Centre (Circle & Eighth) Free ‘Heated’ Underground Parking

3.00 Matinees $4.00 Evenings $2.00 Tuesdays * MIDNIGHT SHOWS FRIDAY-SATURDAY ONLY!

Rainbow Cinemas Movie Listings: October 17 to October 23

Pineapple Express

Frequent Coarse

Death Race

Frequent Violence

Language,

1:05, 3:45, 6:50, 9:25, 12:00*

Drug Use

Hancock

Violence, Coarse Language

1:35, 4:15, 7:35, 9:55 12:00*

Journey To The Center Of The Earth

Fighting Scenes

1:40, 4:20, 7:30, 9:50, 12:00*

7:05, 9:40, 12:00*

Step Brothers

Coarse & Sexually Suggestive

1:20, 4:00, 7:15, 9:45, 12:00*

Language, Nudity, Sexually

Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants 2

Suggestive Scenes

Coarse Language

1:00, 3:40, 6:40, 9:20, 12:00*

Wall E

1:30, 4:10, 7:25, 9:35, 12:00*

www.rainbowcinemas.ca

Kung Fu Panda

Violence, May Frighten Young Children Violence, Coarse Language, Nudity

1:50, 4:30

Get Smart

1:15, 3:55, 7:00, 9:30, 12:00*

MOVIES FOR MOMMIES:

Coarse & Sexually Suggestive Language, Nudity, Sexually

Step Brothers 1:00, Thursday

Suggestive Scenes

Movie Info Line: 955-8642

into Terry Riley and White Rainbow — their use of repetition has inspired my art plenty. I like the op-artists too, in particular Bridget Riley. As for contemporary art, Paper Rad, Matthew Thurber and Leif Goldberg for their humour and local artist Patrick Bulas for his genius. Enough about me, let us talk about you. Did you lose a family member when the towers fell? I’m reading some major 9/11 references in your work and was hoping that you could explain them. LS: No my relation to September 11th isn’t that personal. The 9/11 tragedy and its aftermath has had a huge cultural impact. I relate the anxiety that it created to my own general nervousness. I’m interested in creating images that have a sense of chaos and order. This has led me to depict scenes of pseudo-catastrophe that often take the form of model train sets. I’ve taken offence to the way images of disaster have been used to frighten people into giving up authority. I try to makes images that remove the dire sense of menace and replace it with one of control. Something like the experience of playing SimCity.

Luke Siemens

LS: No comment on the first question but as for the second, I find Josh Keyes’ work interesting. It has a part-humorous, partmenacing view of coming change in the world. Images like his deer grazing while half encased in a cube of water make you do a double-take. I find the use of line in Matthew Ritchie and Julie Mehretu’s work compelling. Outside of the art world I have been reading Chris Ware’s comics. BH: Like Acme Novelty Library? LS: Exactly. BH: His work is ridiculously impressive. LS: Yeah, the technical skill on display is intimidating. He has a tight, clean style but at the same time, it’s full of emotional resonance. The way he lays out his panels can seem overwhelming at a glance but the viewer rarely has a problem following the story. It’s always a good read.

BH: So you like to play God? LS: Well, that perspective would give one a sense of control. I’m in that position when I’m creating these small worlds and I suppose that fulfills a need for me. BH: Do you have any moral issues with profiting off such a tragedy as the 9/11 catastrophe? And who informs your style?

Frequent Violence

Roxy Theatre Movie Listings: Friday October 17 to Sunday October 19, and Thursday October 22

Nights In Rodanthe $2.00

$3.00

DISCOUNT THURSDAYS MATINEES (SAT-SUN ONLY) $4.00 EVENINGS

320 20th Street West

955-8642

Sexually Suggestive Scenes

7:00, 9:15 Friday to Sunday; 7:00, 9:15 Thursday

Star Wars The Clone Wars 2:00 Saturday & Sunday

Perfecto

7:00 Saturday October 18th Only! (Tickets available at Climb306)

Step Brothers

7:00, 9:10 Friday, Sunday & Thursday; 9:10 Saturday

Journey To The Centre Of The Earth 2:10 Saturday & Sunday

B2 the sheaf • 16 October 2008 • www.thesheaf.com

Benjamin Hettinga

Frequent Violence

Coarse & Sexually Suggestive Language, Nudity, Sexually Suggestive Scenes

Fighting Scenes

Benjamin Hettinga and Luke Siemens’s work is on display at the Stall Gallery from Oct. 17 to Nov 15. Opening reception is Oct. 17, 7 p.m. to 11 p.m. arts@thesheaf.com

Section B

THE DEATH OF masculine stereotypes Local artist examines harmful preconceptions through his artwork ANNE-MARIE HICKEY Arts Editor The Death of General Wolfe is a well-known oil painting from 1770 depicting the last minutes in the life of British general James Wolfe at the 1759 Battle of Quebec. Wolfe is a Canadian icon for bringing victory to the British over the French and is widely considered a historical war hero. Wolfe appears masculine, important and even Christ-like in the painting, mimicking the famous Pietà scene. But to some, this glorification of a gender-specific role leads to harmful representations of masculinity. “I utilize archetypal themes like The Death of General Wolfe in my art. He is the epitome of what it is to be a man and dying as a martyr. I use those themes and juxtapose them with the mundanity of everyday life,” said Saskatoon artist Zachari Logan. Logan’s art show, The Anxious Actor, is appearing at the Snelgrove Gallery at the U of S Oct. 20 to 31. His show explores the intersection of issues surrounding identity, homosexuality and historic and contemporary representations of masculinity. The master of fine arts student’s thesis exhibition consists of large-scale realist drawings and paintings. His subject is his own body. “My BFA show was all pieces on men. I was interested in the idea of hypermasculinity. In working with all these depictions of men, there was a disconnection in that I was absent. So I decided to use myself as a subject. I always disliked the idea of self-portrait in the traditional sense… I don’t think of these as very traditional selfportraits. In all of the images I’m posing. I’m being performative. The work is about a sense of performance anxiety and masculinity,” said Logan. Logan uses traditional artistic materials, like graphite on paper or oil on canvas. This is his way of playing with the idea of traditional, historical archetypal, masculinity

and contemporary masculinity, he said. The artist has always been interested in classical, renaissance and baroque art, something he owes to his childhood upbringing in the Roman Catholic faith. Though his beliefs in the church have diminished, his admiration of classical art remains strong. While many people would feel uncomfortable showcasing their naked bodies to the public, Logan bravely bares all because his art has purpose. “I didn’t really feel insecure. I’m fairly fit and working out is a part of my every day life. Some people would think I’m stereotypically masculine. With the narratives I’m creating in the painting and drawings, I’m trying to take this ideal image of the body and put it in this other arena,” Logan said. “I use my body because of the fact that I have an athletic build. Traditionally my body type would be classically idealized. Except in my artwork instead of a battle sword I have a Starbucks cup.” One of Logan’s pieces, titled Huskie, explores masculinity and sports. Most fans don’t want to know their favourite football player is gay, said Logan, because athletes are so stereotypically masculine. The Huskie portrait sexualizes the image of Huskie Athletics and “queers it,” said Logan. It was important to him to discuss sports and bravado, especially because of the stigma facing homosexual athletes. “I fit specific gender roles and defy others. Everybody does,” he said. “That’s why stereotypes are interesting — all of them break down eventually. They fail. I like to play with those.” Logan’s artwork is gaining attention quickly. His art is currently showing at the Mendel Art Gallery as part of the Flatlanders show. He is also presenting a solo show in Paris in January. He will be giving a talk regarding his artwork and its themes, Oct. 27 at 5 p.m. at the Pride Centre on campus.

QUEER IT Artist challenges Huskies stereotypes

LARGER THAN LIFE Zachari Logan bares his bod and paints penises with purpose

arts@thesheaf.com

Zach Logan

Submitted

www.thesheaf.com • 16 October 2008 • the sheaf

Section B

PUT A CORK IN IT! SASK. FESTIVAL OF FINE WINES A PLEASURABLE EXPERIENCE

BOTTOMS UP Consumers flock to fine wines at Premier Michelle Berg

Dorian Geiger Arts Writer I love wine. I never used to but I do now. I guess it’s the acquired taste thing. I’m not a connoisseur by any means but I have come a long way from the Baby Duck days of my freshman year when I selected wine on the basis of which bottle had the trendiest label. I have installed a wine rack in my kitchen and keep it permanently stacked with copious amounts of shirazes and merlots. Slightly excessive for a college kid? Maybe but it’s a great way to impress classy girls who may come over to your house. If that ever happens, you can be certain she will be wowed. When my mom notified me last month she was coming to Saskatoon and had an extra ticket to Premier Festival: Saskatchewan’s Festival

of Fine Wines, Spirits and Specialty Foods, it was impossible for me to reject a night of mild intoxication with family. However, mild intoxication rapidly evolved into sheer inebriation. Following about 14 glasses of wine, it was my responsibility to catch my wobbly mother a taxi (give her a break and don’t judge, she rarely comes to the city). After ensuring my mom had a safe ride to her hotel, I ventured back inside to enjoy a few more glasses of fermented grapes. Among the countries showcasing their cultural wines were Canada, the U.S., Spain, France, the U.K., Chile, Argentina, South Africa and Jamaica. There were merlots, cabernet sauvignons, cabernet pinotages, pinot noirs, pinot blancs and even sweet, delicious port wines. Pretty much anything in terms of wine was easily available in exchange for a small

ok!

ur lo o y t o g e v We'

Scotia Centre Mall 123 Second Avenue South

664-4636

Contact Lens: 664-4633

Choose from our outstanding selection of frames and lenses to suit every need!

Confederation Mall

300 Confederation Drive

975-1630

Students: Bring in this ad and receive

40%withOFF ANY FRAME the purchase of prescription lenses

10% OFF CONTACT LENSES* *professional fees may apply, must present coupon

B4 the sheaf • 16 October 2008 • www.thesheaf.com

Dorian Geiger

blue ticket. Premier also hosted multiple exhibitors promoting samples of beer, hard alcohol and spirits, that included local Great Western beer, Crown Royal, Tanqueray, Skyy Vodka and Hpnotiq. The only complaint registering in my mind was the absence of a Red Bull and Jagermeister booth. My inhibitions were dwindling quicker than my faith in the Riders but somehow I managed to make sense of the fact that I was in attendance of a wine tasting and not at the Hose. An abundance of food exhibitors serving a variety of snacks and appetizers prepared by restaurants in Saskatoon, such as Béily’s, Blu Foods, Koutouki Taverna and Joey’s Only Seafood also snatched my attention. These fancy snacks spanned from classic wine sidekicks like cheese and crackers to

juicy, succulent prawns. This kept my stomach at a content level, maintaining the solid buzz my body established. As the night wore on, it was difficult to be mobile anywhere in the upper level of TCU without rubbing a fellow wine-taster’s shoulders. People were stumbling, jubilantly slurring their speech, while simultaneously attempting

not to spill wine and food on their fashionable and expensive attire. The evening eventually reached its climax and it wasn’t long before I was also slurring my speech with the classiest of them. So, judging by my experience, the next time someone informs you of excruciatingly painful hangovers wine delivers, just believe them.

Dorian Geiger

NO MORE WHINING ABOUT THE COST: VINO ON THE CHEAP Wendy Gillis Editor-In-Chief We have all taste-tested Colt 45, savoured the hint of hops in Pilsner and maybe even uncorked a bottle or two of cheap faux-champagne at New Year’s. But, fellow alcohol connoisseurs, the time for serious vino sophistication has arrived. But whine no more about the cost: your guide to serving economicallyfriendly wine has arrived. Serve these student saver wines at any potluck or fall supper and no one will be able to tell you pinched together a few pennies and scored these winners at the liquor store. Sunrise Merlot, about $10: Sunrise is an excellent choice for your basic Merlot — a wine that generally has a medium body and hints of berry or plum. Sunrise is a Chilean wine, which is a good thing seeing as the

country is known for its quality merlot grapes. This wine is said to contain hints of cherries, pepper and cacao. Try serving it with beef, pasta or cheese. The Little Penguin Chardonnay, about $11: If you’re bringing a chicken dish or maybe some seafood to your next potluck, pick up a bottle of this Australian wine. Chardonnay is one of the best introductory white wines, so if you’re partial to red, this is a good way to branch out. Taste closely: this wine contains hints of melon and pineapple. Naked Grape Shiraz, about $9: Naked Grape is a popular house wine at several Saskatoon restaurants, so it’s surprising to find it on the liquor store shelves for so cheap. Naked Grape has a wide variety of whites and reds but with its blackberry and spice flavours, the

Shiraz is the best among the bunch. Pour this into a wine glass next time and get your requisite CanCon — it’s made in Ontario. Casallero Del Diablo Cabernet Sauvignon, about $12: This wine is surprisingly cheap and tastes great. Plus, the outside packaging makes it look classy. The deep, red colour is appealing, and the hints of cherry and oak in this Chilean wine are surprisingly noticeable. Try it with spicy pasta dishes or stews. Jackson Triggs Cabernet Franc Rose, about $15: Okay, so this wine has got a reputation as a cheap wine but it’s actually pretty good. If you’re after a sweeter wine a rosé is a good bet as either a nice appetizer drink or nicely served with dessert. Shameful secret: go half and half with Sprite and you have a tasty cocktail and cougar juice all at once.

arts@thesheaf.com

Section B

BREED YOUR OWN BOOZE BUCKET Continued from B1 When you retrieve the bottles they will likely smell bad and vinegary but it is not impossible to clean them. In either situation you have five major ingredients: malted barley (usually in a syrup form known as “extract”), a shit-load of water, grains (sometimes optional), hops (a perennial plant related to marijuana that offsets the maltiness of the barley) and yeast. You have to either boil it in a copper tank at the U-Brew place or in a large 15-litre stock pot at home. It takes about an hour at a U-Brew place or up to two hours at home. During this stage of beer-making, the sweet, non-alcoholic substance that you are stirring is called “wort.” This is the stage when you mix most of the ingredients together and make a substance that will be most fulfilling in a couple of weeks. Exact times when you add the hops and extra grains vary by recipe. After you cook your wort, you are ready for the next stage. If you are making wort at home, you have to cool it down — a timeconsuming process that takes an extra half hour before you can put the wort into your primary, a big plastic bucket. At the U-Brew place, the wort will be of sufficient quantity that you add yeast shortly after but at home you have to top it up with extra cold water, then add yeast to the batch. How you add it depends on the brand and all varieties have instructions on the packet. Once you are done, you have to seal the bucket with the lid and fill a small little thing called an “airlock” with water so carbon dioxide gas can escape and no nasty dust or mold can get in. At U-Brew places this is the last step that you engage in until bottling in two weeks; if you’re doing this at home, you’re not so lucky. Within 24 hours, the airlock will start to make bubbles as the carbon dioxide escapes from what is slowly becoming beer. After two to four days, when the movement in your airlock has died down you have to “rack” (to siphon it down) the beer into your secondary (a.k.a. “carboy”). This procedure takes less than 15 minutes and the only extra work usually involves adding water to top up the carboy to

a sufficient quantity. In a week, the beer should be ready to bottle. Cleaning bottles is not fun. It’s a lot of work and time consuming. When first cleaning bottles, it is recommended that you soak them in a water / bleach solution of one part bleach to 20 parts very warm water. Make sure that the solution gets into the bottles and soaks all around it. Let sit for at least half an hour; you will notice that much of the labels come off and are easy to peel. Be sure to wear rubber gloves when handling bleach and rinse all the bottles out. Look inside to make sure nothing is stuck to the glass (you may need a cleaning brush). After the initial bleaching, a simple rinsing and sanitizing process should suffice. If you are bottling at home you need to add a small amount of dextrose (corn sugar) or malt extract to your beer before bottling. The best way to do this is to measure a cup of either ingredient, diluted with an equal amount of boiled water and stir it back into your beer as you rack it into your primary. Adding this to your beer as you bottle is called “priming.” This allows the remaining yeast to react with the extra sucrose to make your beer carbonated. Carbonation takes another week inside the bottles. At the U-Brew shops they pre-carbonate the beer for you with ultra-fancy keg technology. You can do this yourself at home, too, but it is not recommended for the beginner because it will cost you a shit-load of money. Now that you know how much work is involved, you can make an informed decision. U-Brew places will save you 50 per cent of the cost of beer at the liquor store. Homebrewing gives you 23 litres (66 12-ounce bottles) for the cost of a 15 pack — home-brewing is more work but saves you the cost of buying a car to transport your booze home. The choice is yours. Winemaking Every culture that I care about has wine in its heritage. Red is my favourite for its far superior taste, aroma and tannins. Making wine at home from grapes requires a large amount of start-up cost and will not be covered here. Instead I’ll discuss inexpensive wine kits that give you simple directions and all the ingredients.

Wine makers need the same startup kit mentioned near the beginning of the beer section. You will also need a corker ($40) and some corks (less than $10). Good quality wine kits can be as cheap as $50 but for a quality homemade wine, expect to pay between $70 and $100 (this is not that much, as individual bottles of wine cost you around $2 to $3, much better than the liquor store, where the cheapest bottle is $7 for something that tastes terrible). Kit wine is fairly easy to make. With the concentrated grape juice in your first stage, you just add water and yeast. Wine, however, takes a great deal more patience, as a finished wine kit may take anywhere from a month or more to be complete (and most kits recommend bottle aging). Therefore, if you plan to make wine at home you must have a real love for it. Wine, like beer, sits in your primary for a short period of time — in the case of wine, about a week. You rack wine into a glass carboy, just like beer but there is one vital difference. After a few days you have to stir it violently and add “finings” (clarifying agents that de-cloud your wine). This procedure will hurt your arms but is less than an hour of work. Bottling wine also takes a lot of work, as your arms (and legs!) will probably hurt after bottling a whole batch. Just remind yourself that it’s all worth it. If you go this route, a wine rack might be a good idea.

use a leftover organic cider bottle and make about four litres. Mead is an alcoholic drink made from honey, spices and water. The term “honeymoon” is related to mead because people were expected to drink the honey spirit and stay isolated a month after marriage (making sure that at least the first child was the father’s). Mead is available commercially around the world. I bought a bottle of the stuff in Alberta that was made in Poland. It was OK. Apparently homemade recipes are better but that’s for you to explore. Home distilling, the process of adding ethanol to alcohol to create spirits or adding alcohol to wine to create

fortified wine, fits into a “gray-area”. Distilling at home for the purpose of making essential oil, distilled water, or even fuel for a car that runs on alcohol is apparently completely legal. If you drink the stuff it’s fine. It’s only illegal if you sell it. So that’s the basics of home boozemaking. Want to know the best part? Apparently, it’s legal for 18-yearolds to make it too. Finally, 1st-year university jerks can drink, legally!

For more information check out www.beermaking.ca or the Home Distillation of Alcohol website. Matthew Stefanson

Other forms of homemade booze An easy cider recipe is to buy a onegallon jug of Organic Apple Cider ($8, Santa Cruz) and add a one-dollar packet of Champagne yeast and top with an airlock with rubber bung ($2.50). It’ll take a month to mature but this is a great little starter home alcohol experiment. You’ll also need to bottle it in the same way mentioned in the beer section. Blackberry wine is also something that is possible to make at home. Tons of recipes are available on the Internet and you could (with a little help from your friends) pick enough blackberries for a full 23 litres, or just

Teach English Overseas TESOL/TESL Teacher Training Certification Courses • Intensive 60-Hour Program • Classroom Management Techniques • Detailed Lesson Planning • ESL Skills Development • Comprehensive Teaching Materials • Interactive Teaching Practicum • Internationally Recognized Certificate • Teacher Placement Service • Money Back Guarantee Included • Thousands of Satisfied Students

OXFORD SEMINARS

SUBJECT TO CLASSIFICATION

1-800-269-6719/604-683-3430

www.oxfordseminars.ca arts@thesheaf.com

www.thesheaf.com • 16 October 2008 • the sheaf

Section B

LOVE, LIFE AFTERPARTY AND

THE

The Sheaf’s guide to all things love and sex

Send your love and sex questions to Sam Sexsmyth: arts@thesheaf.com My boyfriend sweats really badly and my friends make fun of him for it behind his back to me. It doesn’t bother me at all but it does bother me that my friends are so bitchy. How can I shut them up? Oh snap girl! Right then, let’s talk about gossip. If those girls are making fun of him behind his back, they are probably doing it to you as well and probably each other, too. Those skanks! But wait, you’re talking about them behind their backs to me right now. Everyone does it; this is one way we communicate and get a unique kind of information and advice. Your boyfriend sweats — big deal. Pointing out other people’s faults can make us feel better and if your friends are being malicious about it, then ask them to stop. Besides, that one friend of yours — you know, the tall one — well, she still sucks her thumb… and about 40 cocks a week!

Can you change the taste of your vagina? Sure you can, just follow these basic instructions: Chop up 4 to 6 Granny Smith apples, let them simmer in water infused with lemon juice and brown sugar. Once they are soft place in a buttered baking pan. Top it off with a crumble layer consisting of flour, oats, sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg and diced almonds. Bake in an oven for 10 to 15 minutes, then let cool by a window-sill for that country home taste. Once warm, drizzle with KY jelly and spoon out a hefty portion onto vagina. Any bake-sale patron would love to “go down” on such a mouth-watering dish. I’m nervous about Halloween coming up. All of my friends are being “sexy” things, like in Mean Girls. I’m not comfortable enough with my body and don’t want to go out all night just to be a wallflower. Any suggestions for a costume? Don’t worry about being a sexy anything this year. Since our Halloweens are usually freezing cold and blanketed in snow, anyone dressed in a skimpy costume looks stupid rather than sexy. But if you want to really prove a point then go as the girl from The Exorcist and just projectile vomit all over the cute bunnies, witches and the ever-popular sexy “Two girls one cup.”

My girlfriend is really great but she wants to cuddle for a really long time after sex. I’m cool for the first 20 minutes or so but then I get bored. Should I put up with it or get her to un-cling? Well this really depends on how often you see each other. If you rarely see her due to school, work or magic card tournaments, then this could be a great opportunity for quality together time. Cuddling is rarely a priority for guys; you can bet that during a nice cuddle session, he’s thinking about winning strategies for his next big Pokémon match. So get ready for a brash generalization: guys can be shallow, girls can be needy and sex columnists can be gorgeous. Try to understand the needs of your partner and if you really want out of the cuddle-fest, just let one rip. This isn’t really a sex question but I’ll ask anyway. My boyfriend refuses to floss. It’s really disgusting. How can I get him to care about his oral hygiene? I am not his mother! Getting someone to start flossing is about as hard as getting someone to stop smoking and drinking coffee at the same time. Partners aren’t dolls for you to mold the way you like. Does he brush? Isn’t that good enough? Flossing is not directly linked to oral

hygiene; you’re kind of a bitch for suggesting it. If floss is the breaking point in your relationship, then get with a dentist or enjoy a lonely life of cartoonishly exaggerated expectations. Thanks for the great question, reader. Flossing actually is related to dental hygiene - The Sheaf. My girlfriend and I spent Thanksgiving at her parents’ this year and we slept in a room down the hall from her parents. My girlfriend insisted on having sex but I didn’t feel comfortable with it. Am I just being a prude? Yes, you are definitely a prude. Where’s your sense of excitement? Just pretend you’re in high school and you need to get a quick one off before your mom comes back from the grocery store. For many people, the aspect of danger is a turn on. It can also be a fun challenge trying to see how quietly you can smash pissers without getting Daddy Dearest barging in with a shotgun. Then again, you shouldn’t be forced out of your comfort zone. If the danger doesn’t get your motor running, you and your girlfriend will have to find other ways to have fun with her parents around. Try Scrabble!

open mic beats karaoke HOLLY CULP Arts Writer Oct. 8, Browsers played host to a set of eager performers for the open-mic night put on by the USSU. The students who participated used the opportunity to network and plan possible future projects together. “I wanted to give students a different way of expressing themselves… to give them a new kind of voice; there doesn’t seem to be a lot of alternative methods beyond a musical openmic,” said Shannon Dyck, the coordinator of the event. “I think people really like to share what they’ve written or what’s inspired them.” The first exhibition was an independent film made by student Chris Fischer called The Psychedelic Soldier. Inspired by Francis Ford Coppola’s Apocalypse Now, the film

experimented with colour scheme and technique. “I was looking at a lot of old photos of my grandparents and the photos had a sepia tone and the tone you see in the film is from those photos. I was going for an old newspaper look.” A memorable performance included a rant from Barbwire Sugarbead inspired by an Andrew Suknaski piece; the rant explored social alienation through stream of consciousness. Other readings included Hafiz’s The Jeweller, poetry by Nicole Kenney and a StarPhoenix article about the cougar shooting on Avenue J. The presentations got the attention of onlookers and reeled in more individuals willing to share. The intimate setting eventually lead to turning off the microphone and transformed into a closeknit circle of discussion. The USSU hopes to host another open-mic next term.

Do you like movies? Turn Books Into Scholarships!!! Dates: October 21, 22, 23. Time: 9am - 9pm Place: German Concordia Club, 160 Cartwright St. E

Come to our movie night and write a review about it! (See ad on B7.)