JOSHRUFFIN
Unseating the POTUS
The Newt, the Spider and the gloriously punchable GOP field
Rick Perry I admit it: Perry certainly looks presidential as hell. He’s physically poised and attractive, with a certain Marlboro Man ruddiness. Unfortunately for him, he also forms sentences like seizure victims draw circles. It’s absolutely deplorable that he wasn’t arrested for murder a few debates ago, when he forgot the names of government agencies and promptly shot his campaign in the head. Counterpart: Travis Lutter, a highlyranked Brazilian jiu-jitsu black belt who emerged as the No. 1 contender in an already weak field (he won a
12 METRO SPIRIT 12.1.11
freaking reality show over other UFC washouts). Lutter talked so much s**t leading up to the fight that he had to
kick dirt over the podium after leaving press conferences. He then proceeded to come into the fight two pounds heavy, rendering it a non-title affair, and was submitted by Silva in the second round. Michelle Bachmann Or as she’s better known, “Eyeballs.” Bachmann and her gay-curin’ hubby rode a wave of barely-sensible gibberish and gullible villagers to an early non-Romney lead, but soon crashed and burned when it became apparent that her campaign was predicated on little more than almost being Sarah Palin and the ability to pronounce the president’s name “Buh-rick Oh-behma.” In a matter of months, she’s gone from promising frontrunner to mild, eyelash-in-yourtear-duct irritating. She’s not even trying anymore, wearing straightjackets to debates, not bothering to conceal the jar of souls from which her eyes take sustenance, and is just a general embarrassment to herself and anyone involved. Counterpart: Forrest Griffin. Don’t get me wrong; I used to love Forrest. Because of his legendary, brutal fight with Stephan Bonnar at the finale of the first Ultimate Fighter, my television can say “blood” in six different languages. But he’s also a little bit… off. He’s been cryptically short in interviews, usually sounds like his mouth is full of mashed parsnips
and that was before he got KOd three times in his last six fights. Silva went up 20 pounds in weight to fight
Forrest, and knocked him out in about a minute with a backwards-moving Jedi jab. Griffin was never really the same. Recently, after getting stopped in the first round during a rematch with Mauricio “Shogun” Rua, Forrest has taken to making rape jokes on Twitter, which is about as logical a career move as Bachmann hiring Skeletor’s stylist. Herman Cain Oh boy. Ohhhhh boy. Herman Cain is the political equivalent of your girlfriend always beating you at Wii Boxing by holding her breath and flailing at the screen: There’s no strategy or finesse behind it, and she may look like a monkey shaking fire ants off of its arms, but she somehow keeps winning. That’s Cain. He rose to political prominence by running a crappy pizza joint and farting out of his mouth into the radio. The GOP loves him because he can say all the vaguely racist things their vanilla asses can’t get away with, and look-he’s-even-blackerthan-Obama! It took a multi-pronged sex scandal, which his campaign is now not even bothering to fight, to knock him off his perch, and his poll numbers have halved in the last two months. Counterpart: Vitor Belfort. Belfort is a BJJ black belt who usually wins fights by running a full Mr. Potatohead routine on his opponents’ faces. His hands are so quick and powerful, Yeti sightings
RUFFIN’IT
This week the daily printed an editorial called “Why Not Newt?,” in which the GOP shills enthusiastically support the final not-Romney left on the ballot, as they’ve also most likely (you think I read that mess on a regular basis?) done for Perry, Bachmann and Cain when those nutbags were peaking. Listen, daily: I get it. The “establishment,” which could mean anything from the mainstream Republican machine to Vince McMahon to the all-seeing Yog Sothoth for all I know, is obviously geared towards clinching this thing for ol’ Willard, who just doesn’t have a history of kowtowing to the crazy. And we all know that you loves you the crazy. Which brings me, somehow, to UFC Middleweight Champion Anderson “The Spider” Silva, who has held the belt for so long that lungfish are flopping up on it to evolve ankles. For almost six years, the UFC has been trying to find him a credible challenge. Silva, in response, has rendered most opponents crumpled masses of things that used to be bones and organ paste. In his organizational debut, it took him one minute to knock the hair dye and stupid out of notoriously iron-jawed Chris Leben. Coincidentally, this is about one-third the time that it takes Herman Cain to spell “concession speech.” Point is, Barack Obama is the longreigning champion, and the GOP base is desperately hitching its wagon to every possible long shot they hope has a chance in hell of unseating the POTUS. Here, then, are the most notable not-Romney challengers to Obama’s job, and their Anderson Silva victim counterparts:
are more common. Opponents only wake up after the shockwave jolts them back into consciousness. Anyway, Belfort vs. Silva was the first time that a UFC title would be contested between two Brazilians (are you getting the parallel?). “The Phenom” earned his shot by not even fighting once at middlweight in the UFC, defeating Rich Franklin at a 195-pound catchweight. Late in the first round, Belfort was caught by the most traditionally ineffective karate technique known to man: the front snap kick, which is the first thing they teach you during day one of both taekwondo and massage school. It caught Belfort on the point of the chin, and he collapsed like a soufflé. Newt Gingrich He got busted teaching a college course for political gain, left his first wife when she had cancer and had numerous extramarital affairs. His face looks like a squash, he’s far less scrupulous than the lizard he’s named after and hates the f**k out of welfare. He is the last hope. Good luck, conservatives. Counterpart: Chael Sonnen. A man-shaped sack of xenophobia and horse DNA, Sonnen came closer to unseating Silva (who had a busted rib at the time) than anyone else. Prior to the fight, Sonnen denigrated Silva’s abilities, credentials, family and country. Everyone was sure Silva’s fists were going to light on fire just before the beatdown. Amazingly, Chael backed it up. For 24 minutes of the 25-minute fight, Sonnen manhandled the champion, tossing him around the cage like a PFC using sandbags to fortify a bunker. With just seconds left, Silva secured a triangle choke/armbar combination, and Sonnen was forced to tap. As a follow-up, he got busted for synthetic testosterone use, lied to the athletic commission about it (at least twice), was indicted on charges of real estate fraud and was suspended for one year. Now he’s back, fans are clamoring for a rematch and my forehead is getting welts from all this face-palming.
ASU and Metro Spirit alum Josh Ruffin is a published journalist and poet, who just received his MFA from Georgia College & State University. He was once the most un-intimidating bouncer at Soul Bar.
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