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Metro Spirit is a free newspaper published weekly on Thursday, 52 weeks a year. Editorial coverage includes local issues and news, arts, entertainment, people, places and events. In our paper appear views from across the political and social spectrum. The views do not necessarily represent the views of the publisher. Visit us at metrospirit.com.© 15 House, LLC. Owner/Publisher: Joe White. Legal: Phillip Scott Hibbard. Reproduction or use without permission is prohibited. One copy per person, please.

INSIDER JENNY IS WRIGHT AUGUSTA TEK AUSTIN RHODES

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Contributors James Allen|Greg Baker|Rob Brezsny|Sam Eifling|Matt Lane|Austin Rhodes|Josh Ruffin|Matt Stone|Jenny Wright

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INSIDER@THEMETROSPIRIT.COM Insider is an anonymous, opinion-based examination of the hidden details of Augusta politics and personalities.

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Duck and/or Cover The Rick Allen campaign followed up its attack on Wright McLeod by distributing an email linking to a commentary in the Savannah Morning News written by political reporter Larry Peterson claiming McLeod is ducking the Allen campaign’s claims that he broke federal election law. McLeod representatives have consistently not commented on the allegations, which has spurred Allen’s people to continue hammering away. “While we’re continuing to spread Rick’s conservative message throughout the 12th District — we’re making every effort to follow the rules along the way,” wrote Allen’s campaign manager Scott Paradise, who brought the allegations to the Federal Elections Commission. “It is imperative that Georgia Republicans nominate the right candidate to take on John Barrow this November and it can’t be just another politician who believes he’s above the law.” The McLeod camp, which Peterson accused of ducking the allegations, came out with a press release the same day, announcing that McLeod had received the endorsement of FreedomWorks PAC, a conservative political action committee linked to the recent defeat of sixterm incumbent Richard Lugar in Indiana. Ducking the allegations or forging on. The voters will be deciding that one come July.

Mick Jagger kills it (for the most part) on SNL. Not bad for a 68-year-old.

down

Please, rest of the aging music industry: Follow Jagger’s lead. We really don’t want to be left alone with LMFAO and Katy Perry.

METROSPIRITAUGUSTA’S INDEPENDENT VOICE SINCE 1989

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Point Taken You’ve got to applaud the daily’s desire to increase interest the online version of its newspaper, especially given the fact that doing that was exactly what new president Dana Atkins was supposed to do. We’re just not so sure we understand the way he’s chosen to do it. On May 10, Sean Moores, the Chronicle’s customer service director, announced a big change in the way they’re handling their online comments. It’s not so much a new philosophy as it is a way to make a game out of commenting on news stories. Among the changes (okay, so you’ve noticed them already, but can’t you play along and let us pretend that you’re totally faithful readers of the Spirit, the whole Spirit and nothing but the Spirit?) — a thumbs up/thumbs down feature, a new and more appealing appearance and a point system. That’s right, a point system that awards you points for what the Chronicle calls “good commenting practices” and penalizes you for “negative behavior.” The whole thing seems less Jack (“You can’t handle the truth”) than it does Joshua (“Shall we play a game”), which seems funny, given the general’s stern military background and the fact that he comes from the hardscrabble badlands of the Last Frontier (that’s Alaska, people, not space — that’s the Final Frontier). Lord knows the regular crew of commentators, most of whom must set their alarms in order to be first responders, don’t need any special incentives to comment, but do you really want to have people commenting who are simple minded enough to be doing it for the points? And if people start adjusting their comments to fit the point system, what does that do to the notion of freedom of expression? Is this what journalism has come to?

Bus Stop

OPEN 7 DAYS

IN FRONT OF WALMART IN EVANS

In a special meeting called in part to discuss the possibility of outsourcing many of the functions of the Human Resources Department, Fred Russell seemed unusually willing to throw former HR Director Rod Powell under the bus. Now that everyone’s serious about the fact that ADP — very reliable and very expensive — could be ready to step in and handle things (commissioners were going on a field trip the to the ADP offices the next day) apparently staff has figured out that part of the system used by HR, a thing called IFAS, was never fully utilized by Powell, who was not present to either defend himself or explain why. That explanation might end up being important, since without it, Russell sounded like he’d found an excuse to give it another shot with his own people, people who, if armed with the full power of this miracle piece of technology might be able to do what they have been consistently unable to do for some time — provide reliable and effective service to the hardworking employees of the county.

24MAY2012

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JENNY IS WRIGHT

15 in 5 Kicking It Into High Gear Before Mexico Have I mentioned that I’m going to Mexico in a few weeks? I’m pretty sure I have, but I do like rubbing it in. I know I’ve told y’all, but my friend Colleen is marrying Andy there. Several of us are going without our husbands. What? Don’t judge. Sure, The Man would love to come to Mexico with me, but he volunteered to take The Kids camping for Father’s Day weekend instead. I’m going with most of my best friends. We’ve known each other for 20 years or more. We spent many spring break weeks in Ft. Lauderdale, Destin and Nashville. We’ve grown up since then. Unfortunately, after that long and two kids, I’ve also grown out. My friends laugh when I say that, but everyone has a personal standard, and because I’m tallish, I must hide it well. Honestly, it’s my fault. I’ve loved living my life. I mean, I’m just sort of at the point where that personal body standard has been violated. Time to work out more. Enter the infamous broken finger. BBF (Before Broken Finger), I was playing tennis 4-5 times per week, and that kept me in pretty good shape. ABF, something had to change. I even started running a little, thanks to those cute (blue!) running shoes. I’ve admitted to liking running, but I needed more. Enter my trusty friend Andrea. She has sufficiently kicked my tail into high gear. I’m actually enjoying exercising. I didn’t like that I couldn’t walk up (or more painfully, down) the stairs for three days after the session with her, but if I’m sore, it’s working, right? Yep. And I’ve even noticed a big difference. Lesson 1: Stay active. Exercise regularly. Additionally, I’ve starting cooking differently. I love my family’s red beans and rice recipe. I love my spinach and sausage lasagna. I love Vallarta. The list goes on and on (steak, cheeseburgers, wine, margaritas, French fries, cheese, and more cheese and wine). We needed to eat a little better. I’ve found a new hobby in grilling. You really can grill just about anything. I’ve accomplished ribs, a whole chicken, potatoes, corn, asparagus, a picnic roast, burgers and much more. However, my favorite meal is a grilled salad. I didn’t make it up, but I’m pretty sure I’ve perfected it. Grilled salad? As in, soggy, hot lettuce? Oh, just you wait. Because y’all asked (maybe you didn’t, but some did), here’s the basic recipe. Take whole romaine and slice it in half lengthwise. Leave the stem end on, so it won’t fall apart on the grill. Drizzle olive oil, salt, and pepper on each half. Put them face down on a medium heat grill for 2-3 minutes. You’re just watching for the leaves to curl and brown a little. Remove from the grill and let cool. That’s it. My new favorite way to top the lettuce is with a little goat cheese, sliced grapefruit, and green onion. The dressing is olive oil, grapefruit juice, salt and pepper. However, you can add grilled chicken, fresh tomatoes, feta, oranges, Greek salad

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METROSPIRITAUGUSTA’S INDEPENDENT VOICE SINCE 1989

fixins or whatever you like. Grilling the lettuce gives it a richer taste, but it’s still low in calories. Lesson two: Eat better. Find foods you enjoy, and cook them in different ways. That doesn’t mean giving up everything you love, trading it all for rice cakes and Lean Cuisine. I’ve just found that fad diets or quick fixes aren’t the answer. As soon as you get back to eating all of the “good” (read: fats or carbs), the weight will come right back. I’m no expert. I just want to wear a bathing suit this summer. I want to keep eating flavorful foods in moderation, and I hope my love for exercise continues to grow. Besides, if I do all of that, I’ll still have room at the end of the day for a good margarita or a glass (or three) of wine. As always, cheers!

JENNYWRIGHT lives in Summerville with her husband, who she calls The Man, and two kids, who she affectionately calls The Boy and The Girl. She enjoys taking photos, cooking and playing tennis.

24MAY2012

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AUGUSTA TEK A $100 Billion Chat Room

Facebook IPO Well, we can’t have a technology column this week without a mention of the Facebook IPO, so let’s start there. Last Friday, Facebook began trading shares on the NASDAQ exchange. This event has been eagerly awaited by the tech community as a signal that high-tech business is back on track. As it turned out, the IPO turned out to be more of a non-event. The numbers... after an initial pricing of $38 per share last Thursday, the stock opened at $43 per share but quickly fell to below $39 per share. The IPO raised over $16 billion for Facebook, making the offering the second largest in history. The initial $100 billion market capitalization puts Facebook in the top 40 of market cap, ahead of established tech companies Amazon and Cisco. But this is not 1999, and reality set in on Monday. After its first full day of trading, Facebook closed at $34, down almost 11 percent from its initial pricing. Investors are looking carefully at Facebook’s revenue potential. In 2011, Facebook generated approximately $5 of revenue per user. Compare this to $30 per user for Google. Given that Facebook stock is valued at approximately 20 times its projected sales, and Google’s price-to-sales ratio is only six, most analysts seem to think that Facebook has a hard road ahead. It’s Like Herding Clouds The Leadership Augusta Class of 2012 graduated last Thursday. Congratulations to all of you, especially my wife Kari. You do have an exceptional class, but not the best ever. (Truly.) Now, you might ask what all this has to do with technology… absolutely nothing, except for that fact that I got to catch up with my 2010 Leadership comrade and devoted Augusta Tek reader Doug Fine. Doug brings us the Tech Tip of the Week. It starts like this: All the free cloud storage products are great… until you hit the maximum amounts. Then you have to spread your data between multiple services and trying to keep track of what is where. It’s like herding clouds. What if you had an app that would stitch together all the free services into a single bucket? What you need is Otixo! Otixo provides you a single application to access all of you online files. Otixo supports virtually all of the major cloud services, including Dropbox, Box, Google Docs, SugarSync, Picassa, MobileMe, Amazon S3, FTP servers and WebDAV drives. I was able to create an account and get all my personal cloud storage configured in less than 20 minutes. It’s a very nice tool. Here’s the catch… a free Otixo account only lets you move a ridiculously small 250MB per month. To use this in any productive manner, you’re probably going to have to pay the $10 month for unlimited data transfer. SpaceX Visits the ISS This past Tuesday, private space company SpaceX launched its Dragon spacecraft to the International Space Station. This mission is the first by a private company to send a spacecraft to the ISS. This is a demonstration mission designed to confirm the Dragon spacecraft’s capability to dock with the space station. If successful, SpaceX will begin its contract to perform a minimum of 12 resupply missions. Without the shuttle, the Dragon is the only spacecraft in the world capable of returning significant cargo from the space station. This space transport system was designed to carry astronauts in the future, and the cargo missions will go a long way in providing the flight experience necessary to achieve that goal. (Note: At the time of writing the SpaceX launch was still T-3 hours away. Check the website for the latest!) Until next week, I’m off the grid @gregory_a_baker.

GREGORY A. BAKER, PH.D, is vice president and chief rocket scientist for CMA, which provides information technology services to CSRA businesses and nonprofits. 24MAY2012

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AUSTIN RHODES Deke Is Not a Gun Sissy

My disagreements with Augusta Mayor Deke Copenhaver have been pretty well documented over the years. I have called his hand on any number of bad/ill-conceived/misguided/just plain stupid notions over the years, which include, but are not limited to: The unconstitutional fight against Video XMart, and the three-quarters of a million bucks it cost the city. Failure to hire a competent and independent emergency management director. The lack his personal involvement in the ongoing controversies involving the re-organization of the municipal government. No accountability or voice when it comes to the issue of redistricting. A genuine absence of leadership when dealing with the local state legislative delegation. The mere fact that Fred Russell is still in town, drawing a municipal salary. Okay... so there are just a few of the greatest hits. Yes, there are many criticisms one can have of Mayor Deke, but being a sissy when it comes to the Second Amendment is not one of them. Yet the mayor recently found himself in the crosshairs of many pro-gun patriots when he signed on with a coalition of city chiefs from around America, headed by New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who call themselves Mayors Against Illegal Guns. Take a look at what Copenhaver and 600 other mayors are uniting to demand: A. Punish — to the maximum extent of the law — criminals who possess, use and traffic in illegal guns. B. Target and hold accountable irresponsible gun dealers who break the law by knowingly selling guns to straw purchasers. C. Oppose all federal efforts to restrict cities’ right to access, use and share trace data that is so essential to effective enforcement, or to interfere with the ability of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms to combat illegal gun trafficking. D. Work to develop and use technologies that aid in the detection and tracing of illegal guns. E. Support all local, state and federal legislation that targets illegal guns; coordinate legislative, enforcement and litigation strategies; and share information and best practices. F. Invite other cities to join in this new national effort. Those bastards! I know, you are asking where is the punchline? If the mayors are against illegal guns, it would have to be quite a stretch to assume they are against legal guns, right?

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AUSTINRHODES

The views expressed are the opinions of Austin Rhodes and do not necessarily represent the views of the publisher. No, of course not. At least not if you are a member of a group called “Georgia Gun Owners”, who penned the following breaking news flash in a widely distributed email this week: “N Y C Mayor and billionaire Michael Bloomberg wants to ban guns in Georgia. And as ludicrous as that sounds, he already has a number of allies in the state... including Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed. Bloomberg has teamed up with rabidly (our Deke?) anti-gun mayors from Atlanta, New Orleans, Washington, D.C. and Chicago to impose their big-city gun control on the rest of America, and Kasim Reed has joined their efforts. Following Bloomberg’s anti-gun example in New York City, twelve Georgia mayors from around the state have joined in the anti-gun campaign to destroy our gun rights. Members of this group include the mayors of Atlanta, Macon, Augusta and Roswell — and eight others — all added together represent more than one million Georgians! What that means is, a large percentage of our population has elected mayors who not only are antigunners, but heavily-funded by them. The danger to our gun laws here in Georgia is almost indescribable. “ For a moment, I thought there had to be a connection between the Georgia Gun Owners and the Peach State branch of NORML. I say that because it must take a tremendous amount of weed to get so many folks so paranoid over nothing. I believe the mayors to be genuine in their concern, and I will give them the benefit of the doubt when it comes to their collective efforts to support the Constitutional rights of legal gun owners everywhere. But I would suggest that they park the platitudes, and put their collective political muscle in the face of the people that really matter in the battle against illegal gun violence, Superior Court judges. Sentence offenders who use guns in their crimes to the maximum time allowed by law. No minimums, no mediums, just the max. All those idiots who were arrested in Operation Smoke Screen? Every damn one of them should be in jail for the next 20 years. That was 77 people. A similar local sting done in 2007 yielded 130 arrests. All convicted should have been put in jail for the next two decades. They were not. That is on the judges, and the prosecutors, if they got cute with plea bargains. So mayors, if you want to make illegal guns a thing of the past, put the people who use them illegally in the deepest, darkest hole current law allows.

24MAY2012

METR O Harmonious

NEWS

spirit TERENCEBARBER

A local man’s 40-year journey in aikido You never know who could be a martial arts master. Popular belief might be to assume that black belts are walking weapons, able to strike at a moment’s notice. While true in some cases, this can be an overstatement. Meet Darrell Tangman, a 65-year-old retired computer programmer and sixth dan (degree) black belt aikido practitioner. Tangman is the head instructor of the Augusta Aikido Club that meets at Adas Yeshurun Synagogue at 935 Johns Road. Born near Chicago, Tangman attended Michigan State University with plans of becoming a high school math teacher, with a minor in French education. However things did not go as planned, which would happen frequently Tangman’s life “I ended up absolutely hating college-level French,” Tangman said. “It was probably the least-pleasant class I had to take in college or grad school. My second quarter at Michigan State I was walking to the second quarter of French literature and realized I can’t do this.” Tangman promptly dropped the class and enrolled in a computer science course, first to maintain full-time student status, and secondly because his roommate seemed to enjoy them. Tangman would later graduate with his math degree and enough credits to have a minor in computer science, had the degree existed at the time. When Tangman went to the University of Illinois for graduate school, however, he was able to pursue his degree in computer science, as well as start his journey into aikido. Tangman joined the Aikido Club and began to study under Professor Taitetsu Unno. “Casting my mind back about 40 years, mostly I was just nervous when I started,” Tangman said. “I was kind of intimidated by the falls and by the complexity of the movements. Probably about six months into training, I realized I had fun when I was taking falls. Then I realized I was enjoying both sides and then I was hooked. Forty years later, I am still hooked.” So what exactly is aikido? Loosely translated, it is “the way of the harmonious spirit.” When witnessed in motion, aikido techniques involve 24MAY2012

soft, circular motions that rely on movement for the attack. Force is not met with force, but it is an opportunity to get an attacker enough off balance to throw and/or pin them. “In aikido, the only time a technique should injure somebody is if they’re actively resisting it,” Tangman said. “If they give up soon enough, they should always have a safe way out. There are some of the techniques where the founder specifically modified them with that goal in mind. ” Morihei Ueshiba, the founder of aikido and affectionately referred to as O-sensei or great teacher, started his martial arts journey learning jujutsu (the father martial art of aikido, judo and Brazilian jiu-jitsu), as well as studying sumo, judo, kendo and bayonet techniques, according to “This Is Aikido,” written by Koichi Tohei, a student of Ueshiba who would later become the highest ranking aikido practitioner after Ueshiba’s death. Ueshiba took great care in modifying techniques that were meant to injure and break limbs into soft techniques that allow an attacker to be subdued with little to no harm. In aikido, the wellbeing of the person receiving the technique, or the uke, is of great importance. “Part of what aikido is meant to develop is a sense of feeling with the people around you,” Tangman said. “It’s not aimed at winning the contest. Generally in aikido training you are trying to perfect your technique, movement and attitude toward the practice. The practice becomes a way for two people to work together harmoniously.” He said that harmony should carry over into daily life. “It should get to the point where when someone is throwing a punch at you, you don’t approach it as something you have to overcome,” he said. “This is just what you do. Instead of, ‘He said something rude to me, so now I have to say something rude back,’ it’s, ‘He said something rude to me; I wonder why he did that?’”

Tangman said that he does not consciously teach that side of aikido, but it is something that can be learned through practice. “I think it’s helped for when I’m in situations that might become contentious,” Tangman said. “It’s a little easier to stay relaxed and not get upset. But I’m 65 years old, so I don’t know how much of that is 40 years of aikido trying and how much of that is being 40 years older than I was.” Throughout those 40 years, Tangman has found himself as an instructor in many aikido dojos, first at Twin Cities Aikido Center in Minnesota, then the Aikido Center of Atlanta, where he still instructs on Sunday afternoons. After moving to Augusta 20 years ago, Tangman became a part of the Augusta Aikido Club. Tangman said that he never had any plans of becoming an aikido instructor, but often times finds himself to be the most senior student where he goes, and thus becomes an instructor. Tangman did jokingly lament that aikido is the closest that he ever got to becoming a teacher, his biggest influence being Akira Tohei, named a shihan, or master of aikido in the ’60s and a once a student of Koichi Tohei. “He would demonstrate the technique half a dozen times, make a couple of comments then…go!” Tangman said. “Some of that is a deliberate effort to get students to pay attention.” He said that instructors don’t teach aikido as much as they make it available. “If you want to learn aikido, you have to take it because we ultimately can’t teach you aikido anyways,” he said. “The techniques vary based on relative strength and size. If you’re going to teach you have to know all of that, but if you’re learning, you have to figure out what works for you and your body and your mindset. It requires a very active mindset from the student aside from the obvious.”

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ERICJOHNSON

Waiting for Go

While most cleared to qualify, Augusta commission and school board candidates wait The time has come for all candidates to put their money where their mouths have been and qualify. All, that is, except for those running for the Augusta commission and the Richmond County school board. For them, things aren’t quite so clear.

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“In a nutshell, we know when qualifying for commission and school board won’t happen, but we’re not sure when it will,” says Board of Elections Director Lynn Bailey. Qualifying for other races, like sheriff and probate court judge, are city-wide races that don’t have anything to do with the districts in question and will proceed as scheduled, starting on Wednesday, May 23, and ending on Friday, May 25. “The other offices that do involve districts, like Congress and the Senate and the House — those lines were approved by the Department of Justice in December of 2011,” Bailey says. “So they’re all set to open up, too.” Senate Bill 430, which tweaked the Senate district map, enraged local Democrats, blacks and many Republicans by adding Republican Senator Bill Jackson to the Augusta delegation. According to Bailey, that revised map is currently at the Department of Justice, but unless they received preclearance before qualifying opens, which as of this writing they hadn’t, they’ll open up qualifying according to the lines as they were approved in December of 2011. Having been with the Board of Elections through four redistricting processes, Bailey has seen her share of complicated redistricting efforts. “It’s not uncommon,” Bailey says, “but it does only happen once every 10 years, so to those who may not have been through it before, it may seem extraordinarily complicated and confusing, but it’s actually rather par for the course.” Bailey’s patience is remarkable, considering the degree to which those fighting the different battles are fighting. “There are things that are out of our control, and I know enough to know that we can not do anything with the school board and commission until we have lines and the judge says ‘go,’” she says. “Until that time, we do everything else we can do to prepare.” This go around it happens to be the commission and the school board; other times it’s been Congress, the House or the Senate. Same dance, different partners. “This is the fourth time now I’ve been through redistricting, and none have ever been textbook,” she says. “None have ever gone extremely smooth. There are always bumps and hiccups and last-minute changes, so this year is no different.” This time the main hiccup has been the lawsuit, filed April 19 by the Rev. K.B. Martin and others, because Augusta legislators couldn’t agree on a new map in spite of the fact that a map was unanimously agreed upon by the ad hoc redistricting committee made up of members of the commission, school board and legislative delegation. Because of population shifts recorded by the 2010 Census, conducting elections under the existing map would not be representative of the current population. The confusion and uncertainty has kept Bailey busy, speaking at a number of recent commission district breakfasts. And though the discussions are an additional duty, she says she understands the public’s desire for clarity. “It’s important to a lot of people,” she says. “Particularly those people who are interested in running. They certainly don’t want to miss their reserved time period to qualify.” Things are so fluid that she says she fielded questions from seven or eight potential candidates the day before qualifying began. Most wanted firsthand confirmation that everything they had heard was true and that they weren’t missing their opportunity to qualify. As for when they’ll actually be able to qualify, Bailey says that’s up to the judge, who has to first set district lines. After a period when he’ll allow all parties to take a look at the plans and perhaps suggest corrections to whatever small problems might exist, he’ll then set a time for qualifying. Until then, Bailey will move forward with redistricting for Congress, the Senate and the House. “We’ll have all the voters changed and we’ll notify them of those changes prior to the July primary so they’ll know what to expect when they step into the booth,” she says. “For the commission and the school board — those voters won’t see those until November, so we’ll just have to do the notifications in two pieces.” Check metrospirit.com on Friday for a list of all qualified candidates… for the races that allow qualifying, at least. 24MAY2012

V23|NO21

FORT GORDON DINNER THEATRE PRESENTS

Written by

Jeffrey Finn and Bob Walton Based on an idea by

Jeffrey Finn

May 11, 12, 18, 19, 24, 25 & 26 Dinner 7:00 p.m. • Show 8:00 p.m.

Theme Song and incidental music by

MENU

This brand new comedy takes place on the set of a fictional quiz show where audience members compete for and win actual prizes!

TICKETS

Bob Walton

“... lots of fun! It’s a cross between a quiz program and “Survivor!” The surprise of the new season!” – NY Times

24MAY2012

London Broil with Béarnaise Sauce, Basil Chicken with Wine Sauce, Parmesan Crusted Cod, Wild Rice with Almonds, Squash Casserole, Roasted Red Potatoes with Green Peppers and Onions, Green Bean Almondine, Spring Mix Salad with Choice of Dressing, Iced Tea and Starbucks Coffee, Deluxe Dessert Table Civilians: $40 | Seniors (65 & over), Retirees, DA Civilians, Active-Duty E7 & above: $38 | Active-Duty E6 & below: $30 | Show only: $25

For reservations, call 706-793-8552 AUGUSTA’S INDEPENDENT VOICE SINCE 1989

METROSPIRIT 11

V23|NO21

ERICJOHNSON

Listing the Properties

City moves forward with selling surplus properties, but keeps list private The Augusta commission moved closer to unloading an estimated $9 million worth of surplus property Tuesday when commissioners approved a contract with brokers Sherman and Hemstreet and Blanchard and Calhoun while authorizing the sale of the properties on a list they agreed upon in a closed-door legal meeting but did not immediately make public. A list of surplus properties released in April included several properties, including the old library building and the former Chamber of Commerce building in the middle of Broad Street. Discussions have also included the depot property on Reynolds Street at the Fifth Street bridge. Because several of the properties are considered historically significant, Historic Augusta Executive Director Erick Montgomery attended the meeting, and though he considered the proceedings relatively straightforward, he was a little troubled that the list of properties was not made public. Administrator Fred Russell said the reason they had initiated the process to sell the properties was to raise money for the general fund. “We budgeted last year with a $2 million influx on sold property,” he said. “This year we looked at a million dollars.” In the meeting, he alluded to the impact not doing this had on last year’s budget, suggesting that time was of the essence in order to take advantage of such savings in this budget cycle. Also, putting these mostly unused buildings back on the tax roll would have a positive impact on city finances, and both Russell and Mayor Deke Copenhaver have been optimistic recently about Augusta’s position in the regional economy, specifically the opportunities offered by the downtown, where several of the more attractive surplus properties are located.

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The library building, for instance, has generated attention from both Paine College and Augusta State University. The meeting was an attempt to clear up loose ends previously dealt with, like authorizing the contract with the brokers, a concept that had been approved earlier, and to get the commission to actually consider the list of specific properties. It was a list Russell made sure was kept confidential. Citing changes in the open meetings laws, Russell informed the commission that state law allowed them to discuss the specific properties in a closed legal meeting, which he suggested would keep the “challenges and opportunities” of each property private. Before going into legal, however, city attorney Wayne Brown explained that Georgia Code required public properties to be sold either by auction or by sealed bid. The broker, he said, recommended the sealed bid process. A sealed bid, he explained, “provides for much wider marketing and direct marketing. It does not require the person to be on site and it gives them a serious opportunity to consider their final offer prior to making it.” A school board attempt to sell of surplus school properties a few years ago was generally unsuccessful, and the city hopes its relationship with Sherman and Hemstreet and Blanchard and Calhoun will allow them greater reach and professional expertise in the field. The brokers will provide ordinary marketing activities, host onsite visits and otherwise monitor the process. However, Brown made it clear that the commission would have the final say. “At all times, the commission retains the right to reject or accept a bid,” he said. “You are not required, even though a bid may reach the target amount, to accept that bid, nor to give an explanation for your non-acceptance.” In other words, the commissioners retain the right to make the process political. Whether they chose to utilize that right, however, remains to be seen.

24MAY2012

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indies

By Ben Tausig / Edited by Will Shortz 93 [Smack!] 94 Revolver 95 Tragic E.R. status 96 Cartoon pet of note 97 Melodic 99 Play double Dutch, say 104 Lost subject of a hit Beatles song? 108 Working as a store clerk 109 Disney princess 110 Part of a newspaper: Abbr. 111 Jobs creation 113 OBs, e.g. 114 Vietnam Veterans Memorial designer 115 Clothing-free version of the national pastime? 122 Dark meat piece 123 Feminine suffix 124 Pitch 125 Simplified language form 126 Pompous person 127 “I’ll have what ___ having” 128 Itching 129 City near Clearwater, informally

41 Obama’s birthplace 46 Whit 47 Hardly sharp 50 Josh of “How I Met Your Mother” 51 Where to conform, per an expression 52 Jason who’s a five-time baseball All-Star 53 Deception 54 Ages and ages 55 Director Nicolas 58 Car in “Gone in 60 Seconds” 60 City down the lake from Buffalo, N.Y. 61 Oklahoma state tree 62 “Tristram Shandy” novelist 64 Something you might tap in 67 Mayo, e.g. 70 Projectionist’s unit 71 Scrape 72 Drives 73 Big suits 74 Entered slowly 80 Steel support for concrete Down 81 People with reservations in 1 Chaperon Florida 2 Supreme Egyptian god 83 Minute 3 Offended the nose 84 Some Camaro roofs 4 “Dog” 87 Swollen, as veins 5 Choice words? 88 Dynasty for Confucius 6 “I don’t think so” 89 ___ avis 7 Part of a chain, maybe 90 Big maker of smoothies and 8 Studio sign energy bars 9 Trudge through wet snow, say 91 Accounts with keys? 10 Dallas pro baller 92 Extra ones might be dramatic 11 “We’ll teach you to drink deep 94 News Corp. paper ___ you depart”: Hamlet 98 Look like a creep? 12 “Tommy,” e.g. 100 Grammy-winning Radiohead 13 Most inclusive album of 2000 14 It has many servers 101 Prime years for rocking? 15 “___ I care!” 102 Consent form 16 Famously temperamental court 103 Dead Sea Scrolls writer figure 105 Cary of “Robin Hood: Men in 17 Stout alternative Tights” 18 Salmon, at times 106 Made whoopee 24 Powered in either of two ways 107 Some blades 25 Chicago mayor Emanuel 112 With a sure hand 31 World leader beginning December 116 “You mean … what?” 2011 117 Surveillance org. 33 “Kubla Khan” river 118 “Star Trek: Voyager” airer 34 On account of 119 D.J.’s purchases 35 Make magnificent 120 Tanked 37 French “she” 121 Economic stat 38 Take a load off 39 Two-time N.L. batting champ Lefty

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P B A C A L L P H O E E N A T V A V E E A P R I S E A S T E S L A W A H A D E E F O R M T R O T S E N S

T E E D L I A E R O M C T I T R E O U S B E E T R I A C R C O T O N S A L E S S R A A L O S A T E R O R Y

F O R G A V E J O N E S

A N Y O N E F E N C E

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E M A I L

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60 68

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42 46

57 64

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56 63

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29 36

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13

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PREVIOUSPUZZLEANSWERS

Across 1 One waiting in France 7 “Who’s there?” response 12 Hank Aaron led the N.L. in them four times 16 British pols 19 Mark who won the 1998 Masters 20 Alternative energy option 21 “… there ___ square” 22 Maximum 23 Slogan for medical marijuana activists? 26 Portuguese “she” 27 Tattoos, slangily 28 More than a quarter of academic circles? 29 Alias 30 “No surprise to me” 32 Like unworn tires 36 Persians who protect their feet? 40 Took a break around one, say 42 Was halting 43 Plant, of a sort 44 Author 45 Not straight 48 “___ Beso” (Paul Anka hit) 49 Big twit? 50 Entitlement to cross the stream first? 54 Conductor Toscanini 56 Singer DiFranco 57 Start of a “White Album” title 58 Pod-based entity 59 People who avoid social networking, maybe 63 Mixologist’s measure 65 My ___, Vietnam 66 It was published four years before “Moby-Dick” 68 “Snowy” bird 69 “If you can’t behave on this tour, I swear you’ll be sorry!”? 75 Forerunner of euchre 76 Smack 77 ___ culpa 78 State for which a Springsteen album is named: Abbr. 79 Hunt’s co-star on “Mad About You” 81 Error indicator 82 Largest campus of Long Island Univ. 85 The title of this puzzle, e.g. 86 One + one? 88 Big part of the dairy business? 90 Like much of Pindar’s work

119

L C O N E D G E V E R B F E R E V O L C I D I O L O P S E R S Y S O E A R S N A L O T T I L L E M E E N D R O S N A B E F R I C A E S A R D E R

A N D R E E A A N M O I N N E T I R L O S A L V O A G T A A N R S

T E A T R O B R A C S A I L S V E N

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P E A C U T E R T A S E L O P P P E E S E L A N L I Q U E T U R A M L E V I O R I C O T C U S A G S E I T A S T R A M E D I O L E N S I L E T T E

E S T E R D E N T I H E N D O T E D

AT THE END, YOU’RE JUST Elliott Sons Funeral Homes BEGINNING ELLIOTTFUNERALHOME.COM

24MAY2012

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METROSPIRIT 13

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Ruffin’ It

A Tale of Two Cities I’m going through a lot of changes right now. My fiancée and I just set a date for the wedding, are trying to reserve venues and just moved into a new apartment. Also, my voice just dropped another octave, so now I sound kind of like Tom Waits having sex with a sonic boom inside an echo chamber. There aren’t any documented cases of men going through puberty twice, so it probably has more to do with the fact that I’m treating this cold with a mixture of Kombucha, Old Rasputin stout and double shifts at the bar. Still, I’m keeping my guard up — soon my musk will attract all of Mars’ concubines. I’m not sure which part of the self-medication is talking, but it sounds just like Laurence Fishburne. I think my own brain is Rick Rolling me. Change is usually good. We completely shed our skin once a month, our taste buds open up to new flavors as we age and we elect a new president at least every eight years so Saturday Night Live can keep their sketches fresh. Rome switched up their religions based on a similar principle. But moving into a new place is especially challenging, in that you have to essentially reset all of the creature comforts you took for the granted in your previous residence. For some people, it may be finding a new favorite bar or grocery store. Those aren’t difficult for us, because every bar in Madison is the best, and we shop at a hippie co-op down the street with stock boys wearing Opeth shirts and shallots the size of hand grenades. I bagged my own marjoram tonight, and was stupidly thrilled by it. No, our struggle has been going without internet and cable. Now, we’re pretty studious people. She gets up in the morning to write for a couple of hours before work; I either do the same, or work late into the night, like I’m totally not doing right now, Amy. But we do have our weaknesses. We both love to watch Food Network, specifically “Chopped” and, lately, “Sweet Genius,” wherein Yul Brenner’s gay cyborg familiar forces pastry chefs to build candy sculptures out of squid semen. She’s nuts about “The Office,” and I watch anything with the letters U-F-C in front of it. But we’ve been in this place for almost two weeks now, and the cable/wireless guy is just now coming to hook us up. And that’s why my last few columns have been pretty much apolitical; I don’t know anything anymore. People are very socio-politically active here, but this recall election is dominating the dialogue, so I barely remember what a Kucinich is. I don’t subscribe to anything besides Poetry and Scientific American anymore, so not only do I not know which Singapore grind band is hot this month, I think about owl pellets in iambic tetrameter. To wit, Kevin Brockmeier’s “The Brief History of the Dead.” The primary narrative concerns a place called simply The City, wherein the dead reside as long as at least one person on Earth still remembers them. There is also a parallel plot, in which an Antarctic researcher finds herself suddenly stranded one day, her two compatriots at

14 METROSPIRITAUGUSTA’S INDEPENDENT VOICE SINCE 1989

least two weeks late from an expedition that should have taken them one. Eventually, she takes the other sledge, along with a few supplies and — because it’s the only thing she can do — heads off toward the coast, and the forever twilight of the South Pole. I’m only three chapters in, but it seems the narratives are already converging. The City is emptying out, and the few remaining residents have banded together in search of others. The connection between the literal land of the dead and the near-barren, snow-laden wasteland that comprises Antarctica might come across as an expected one, at its most imaginative a slightly obtuse take on Eliot’s desert vs. water trope in “The Wasteland,” but the question that arises in both scenarios — The City and the Antarctic — is an interesting, maddening one: After the land of the dead, what is there? When I was teaching English at Georgia College & State University, I had nearly omnipresent wireless access. My apartment was wired, as were the campus and Blackbird Coffee, the three places I spent most of my time. Sometimes I actually used the internet for work — to research, check references on a poem, correspond with my students or email this column three hours after it was due — but more often than not I spent an inordinate amount of time, especially for someone who doesn’t use Facebook, Twitter, Digg, Four Square or any other social networking site, goofing off: looking at MMA and boxing news, reading political news blogs and watching shaky footage of each new “Dark Knight Rises” trailer. I’ve tried to visualize a physical version of the internet, and the best I can come up with is a maelstrom-like composite of snow and hazy numbers, somewhere between a tundra and a desert. Firm ground, maybe, if you dig deep enough. I emerged, then, into two weeks of a wireless-less life. Which, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. I’ve read more, gotten some writing done and generally gone about my business. I also, however, was reminded of how much our ability to function in the world hinges on our access to immediate information. Obviously, this is nothing new. I wrote about it some months back in a column about Facebook, so even if you get all of your socio-political commentary from this one column — in which case, what is wrong with you? — you’ll have already known this. Lucidity, though, still has the capacity to come crashing. Speaking of books, we all know that Walden is a complete crock, but it’s another layer of disillusionment to see that time has cemented the fact. Madison is not the last place I’ll live; the changes will keep coming. And like Brockmeier’s book, I’ll not alternate plugging in and unplugging, but remain locked into two alternate, parallel narratives. Eventually, I assume, they’ll converge.

JOSHRUFFIN, an ASU and Metro Spirit alum, is a published journalist and poet,

who just received his MFA from Georgia College & State University. He was once the most un-intimidating bouncer at Soul Bar.

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METROSPIRIT 15

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TERENCEBARBER

Your Weird Week in Crime Is Augusta-Richmond County really as crime ridden as you think it is? As the crimes and the times change, so will the report. Don’t be looking at me On Monday, May 14, an Augusta man was sitting in his vehicle when another man approached and asked him what he was looking at. The man in the car (the victim) said he was just on the phone, causing the suspect to go to his vehicle and return with a Mossberg shotgun. The victim started to leave the scene when he noticed an RSCD patrol vehicle and returned to the scene. When questioned, the suspect said that he was sitting in his vehicle and the alleged victim pointed a black pistol at him (later identified as a BB pistol) and drove off. Watch what you tweet On Tuesday, May 15, two Augusta women became upset over other another woman’s Twitter post and kicked in a window of the victim’s house. When a patrolling deputy stopped the two suspects after being informed of the vandalism, one of the suspects openly admitted to the act. The victim, as well as another deputy, arrived on the scene and both suspects began yelling and cursing at the victim. Both parties were separated, but suspect No. 1 still continued to yell and approach the victim in a threatening manner, at which point the suspect was arrested and put in the back of a patrol car. The suspect complained that the handcuffs were too tight and when the deputy attempted to loosen them, the suspect began to charge at the victim. The suspect was subdued with soft hand tactics. Always tip your prostitute On Wednesday, May 16, a 68-year-old Augusta man (victim) and two other passengers were driving to the bank, where the man withdrew $400. The victim has known suspect No. 1 for around four months and has paid her for sex three to four times. The ATM trip was to get her some money that he owed. Suspect No. 2 pulled out a handgun, and told the victim to give up the money and eventually told him to get out of the vehicle. When your landlord doesn’t like you Two Augustan tenants had their power and water cut off at the behest of the landlord. Both tenants were under an eviction notice. The water was cut off on Tuesday, May 15, and the power on Wednesday, May 16. However, the tenants paid both bills in full on time and were not served with the eviction notice until Thursday, May 17, when RCSD was called.

Crime totals for the week 80 counts of larceny (both felony and misdemeanor) 35 counts of invasion of privacy 18 counts of assault Nine counts of property damage Eight counts of theft/mislaid property Eight counts of burglary with forced entry (daytime) Seven counts of burglary with forced entry (time unknown) Three counts of burglary with forced entry (night time) Three counts of weapon offenses (pointing, false public alarm, possession by convicted felon) Three counts of armed robbery Two counts of terroristic acts and threats Two counts of burglary with no forced entry (day time) Two counts of public peace disturbance Two counts of obstruction of a law enforcement officer One count of financial fraud One count of burglary with no forced entry (time unknown) One count of dog not on leash

Cremation is not as expensive as you think.

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706.798.8886 for details 24MAY2012

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24MAY2012

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METROSPIRIT 17

ENTERTAIN

ME

V23|NO21

Arts

Day of Art, hosted by the North Augusta Artists Guild, is each Tuesday from 11 a.m.-3 p.m. at the Arts and Heritage Center and includes a group of artists painting in the center who will answer questions or allow visitors to join in. Call 803-441-4380 or visit artsandheritagecenter.com.

Exhibitions

Binding Wounds, Pushing Boundaries: African Americans in Civil War Medicine is a National Library of Medicine and the National Institutes of Health exhibit that will be on display at the Robert B. Greenblatt Library at GHSU through June 23. Visit georgiahealth.edu. The watercolor works of South Carolina native Renea H. Eshleman are on display through June 30 at the Kroc Center. Call 706-364-5762 or visit krocaugusta.org. Georgia Brooks: A Moment in Time shows at the Arts and Heritage Center of North Augusta through June 1. The North Augusta resident’s paintings reflect her live during America’s civil rights movement. Call 803-4414380 or visit artsandheritagecenter.com. The Yellow Jessamine Festival Art Competition Exhibit, featuring 30 regional artists in a variety of media, shows through June 15 at the Arts and Heritage Center of North Augusta. Call 803-441-4380 or visit artsandheritagecenter.com. David Mascaro Studio Group Exhibit, featuring the work of Yong Ae Alford, Cathy Armstrong, Mary Ann Brock, Carolyn Bohn, Sharon Fausnight, Linda B. Hardy, Miriam Katz, Linda Lavigne, David Mascaro and Sue Porterfield, will be on display through June 29 at Sacred Heart Cultural Center. Call 706-826-4700 or visit sacredheartaugusta.org.

Memorial Day Weekend Paddle Trip on the Savannah River, sponsored by Savannah Riverkeeper, is Saturday, May 26, at 8 a.m.-Monday, May 28, at 3 p.m. and depar ts from Bur ton’s Ferry Landing in Sylvania. Motorized boats will follow canoers and kayakers so they won’t have to carry gear. $225 per person; $600 for a family of four. Call 706-826-8991 or visit savannahriverkeeper.org. Hopelands Gardens in Aiken. Participants should bring lawn chairs and blankets. Free. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov.

Golden Afternoon: English Watercolors from the Elsley Collection shows through July 1 at the Morris Museum of Art. Call 706-724-7501 or visit themorris.org.

Evenings in the Appleby Garden, featuring piano classics by Harcourt Waller, is Tuesday, May 29, at 8 p.m. Guests are encouraged to bring their own chairs and blankets. Free. Call 706-736-6244 or visit ecgrl.org.

Window on the West: Views from the American Frontier, an exhibition of more than 60 paintings and works on paper from artists including Frederick Remington, Karl Bodmer and John James Audubon, shows at the Morris Museum of Art through July 22. Call 706-724-7501 or visit themorris.org.

Music in the Park, featuring Flashback, is Thursday, May 31, at 7 p.m. at the Maude Edenfield Park in North Augusta. Free. Call 803-442-7588 or visit naartscouncil.org.

Music

Music in the Park, featuring Savannah River Winds, is Thursday, May 24, at 7 p.m. at the Maude Edenfield Park in North Augusta. Free. Call 803-442-7588 or visit naartscouncil.org. Moonlight Music Cruise featuring Angela Easterling is Friday, May 25, at 7 p.m. at the Augusta Canal. Participants are invited to bring snacks and drinks to the one and a half hour Petersburg Boat cruise. $25. Call 706-823-0440 or visit augustacanal.com. Praise Explosion 2012 Concert is Saturday, May 26, from 11 a.m.-7 p.m. at Pendleton King Park. Performers include Calandra, Mychelle Dayan, Dwayne Adams, Jason Johnson, Devotion, Virtuous, Lang Turner, the Bread of Life Gospel Singers, Chosen Generation and more. Free. Call 706-386-6932.

Singers interested in participating in the Riverwalk Series’ Star Spangled Concert chorus should contact Keith Shafer, musical director. The concert is Wednesday, July 4, at 7:30 p.m., preceding Augusta’s fireworks display, and rehearsals will be held Wednesday nights in June from 7:30-9 p.m. Call 706339-7208 or email info@riverwalkseries.com. The Salvation Army School of the Performing Arts holds classes each Tuesday. Included is instruction in piano, drums, guitar, voice and brass. Call 706-3644069 or visit krocaugusta.org.

Literary

Booking Signing with James Farmer, Southern Living contributing editor and author of “Porch Living” and “Sip and Savor: Drinks for Party and Porch,” is Thursday, May 24, from 11 a.m.-2 p.m. at the Morris Museum of Art. Call 706-724-7501 or visit themorris.org.

Night for those ages 13-19 and Cover 2 Cover for adults. Visit any branch or ecgrl.org. Porter Fleming Literary Competition submissions are being accepted now through July 13. The competition is open to authors ages 18 and older from Georgia, Florida, Alabama, South Carolina and North Carolina, and categories include fiction, nonfiction, poetry and plays. Prizes totaling $7,000 will be awarded. Entry forms and guidelines can be found at themorris.org/ porterfleming.html. Nook tutorials at Barnes and Noble in the Augusta Mall are each Saturday beginning at noon, followed by a Nookcolor tutorial at 12:30 p.m. Free. Call 706-7370012 or visit bn.com.

Flix

“Red Tales” shows at the Aiken Public Library Saturday, May 26, at 3 p.m. Call 803-642-2023 or visit abbe-lib.org. “Charlotte’s Web” shows on the big screen outside the Appleby Library on Saturday, May 26, at 8:30 p.m. Participants should bring a lawn chair or a blanket. Those who attend will receive a copy of the book. Call 706-736-6244 or visit ecgrl.org. “Anonymous” shows Tuesday, May 29, at 6:30 p.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org.

Dance

“Sounder” shows at the Maxwell Branch Library on Tuesday, May 29, at 7 p.m. as part of the Family Summer Reading Challenge. Each attending family will receive a free copy of the book. Call 706-793-2020 or visit ecgrl.org.

Belly Dance Class is every Tuesday at 6 p.m. at Euchee Creek Branch Library. Pre-registration required. Call 706-556-0594 or visit ecgrl.org.

“Bridge to Terabithia” shows at the Diamond Lakes Branch Library on Wednesday, May 30, at 6 p.m. Those who attend will receive a free copy of the book. Call 706-772-2432 or visit ecgrl.org.

Tango Night is every Thursday, 7-9:30 p.m., at Casa Blanca Cafe, 936 Broad Street. Call 706-504-3431 or visit casablancatime.com.

Augusta International Folk Dance Club meets Tuesday nights from 7:30-9:30 p.m. at the Augusta Ballet Studio on 2941 Walton Way. No partners needed. First visit free. Call 706-399-2477.

Special Events

Theater

Third Annual Papa Joe’s Banjo-B-Que Hootenanny and BBQ Cookoff is Friday, May 25, from 5-11 p.m. and Saturday, May 26, from 11:30 a.m.-11 p.m. and includes food, beer, music, family activities and more. Visit banjobque.com.

“Avenue Q” shows May 24-26 at 8 p.m. at Le Chat Noir. Call 706-722-3322 or visit lcnaugusta.com.

Memorial Day Program from the American Legion South Carolina Post 153 is Saturday, May 26, at 10 a.m. at Veteran’s Park in Burnettown, S.C. Maj. Gen. Thomas A. Wessels will be the guest speaker, with Fabio Mann providing music. Refreshments will be served. Call 706-231-2949.

“Game Show,” a production of the Fort Gordon Dinner Theatre, shows May 24-26. Dinner is at 7 p.m., with the show starting at 8 p.m. $25-$40. Reservations required. Call 706-793-8552 or visit fortgordon.com.

Remember the Fallen Memorial Day Concert, presented by the Augusta Choral Society, is Saturday, May 26, at 7:30 p.m. at Sacred Heart Cultural Center. $25, adults; $20, seniors; $10, students. Call 706-826-4713 or visit augustachoralsociety.org.

Cookbook Club, featuring Jan Karon’s “Mitford Cookbook and Kitchen Reader,” meets Thursday, May 24, at 4 p.m. at the Harlem Branch Library. Call 706556-9795 or visit ecgrl.org.

London Arrington’s Dirty Jazz performs as part of Garden City Jazz’s Candlelight Jazz Series on Sunday, May 27, at the 8th Street River Stage downtown at 8 p.m. $6. Visit gardencityjazz.com.

Maxwell Morning Book Club, featuring “Homer’s Odyssey” and “Dewey,” meets Thursday, May 31, at 10 a.m. at the Maxwell Branch Library. Call 706-793-2020 or visit ecgrl.org.

“Man of La Mancha,” a production of the Aiken Community Playhouse, shows May 25-26 and June 1-2 at 8 p.m. and May 27 and June 2 at 3 p.m. at the URS Center for the Performing Arts. $10-$25. Call 803648-1438 or visit acp1011.com.

Last Saturday in the Park is Saturday, May 26, from 10:30 a.m.-4 p.m. at North Augusta’s Living History Park and includes history interpreters and more. Call 803-279-7960 or visit colonialtimes.us.

2012 Hopelands Summer Concert Series, featuring the Aiken Civic Ballet, is Monday, May 28, at 7 p.m. at

East Central Georgia’s Summer Reading Program continues through July 20. Categories include Dream Big: Read! for children up to 12 years old, Own the

“Church Folk,” a comedy, shows Saturday, May 26, at 7 p.m. at the USC-Aiken Convocation Center. $15-$25. Call 866-722-8877 or visit georgialinatix.com.

Beach Blast is Saturday, May 26, from noon-6 p.m. at the Pointes West Army Resort on Lake Thurmond and includes music, food, games, prizes and more. Call 706-541-1057 or visit fortgordon.com.

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Memorial Day Ceremony at the Georgia War Veterans Nursing Home, 1101 15th Street, is Monday, May 28, at 9 a.m. Maj. Gen. Alan R. Lynn, commanding general of the U.S. Army Signal Center of Excellence at Fort Gordon, will be the guest speaker. Call 706-721-2531 or visit georgiahealth.org. Memorial Day Observance is Monday, May 28, at 11 a.m. at the All Wars Monument at the corner of 4th and Broad. This service and ceremony is free and open to the public. Call 706-733-1496 or email majorprice@aol.com. Memorial Day Concert on the River, featuring the Augusta Concert Band, is Monday, May 28, at 7 p.m. at the Jessye Norman Amphitheatre. Call 706-825-9124 or visit augustaga.gov.

and entertainment. Call 706-627-0128 or visit theaugustamarket.com.

Health

Mobile Mammography Screenings, offered by appointment, are available Thursday, May 24, at Lamar Medical Center; Friday, May 25, at Internal Medicine Partners on Peach Orchard Road; Tuesday, May 29, at area A of SRS; Wednesday, May 30, at Edgefield Medical Center; and Thursday, May 31, at Wrens First Baptist Church. Appointments can be made from 8 a.m.-3 p.m. each day. Call 706-774-4145 or visit universityhealth.org.

EMS Education Conference: Emergency Management of the Stroke Patient is Wednesday, May 30, from 11:30 a.m.-4:30 p.m. at GHSU’s Medical Center. Continuing education credits and lunch is available. Pre-registration required. Call 706-825-4747 or visit georgiahealth.org. Changes in Healthcare: What to Expect from Your Doctor, Hospital, Insurance and Yourself, a lecture presented by Aiken Regional, is Thursday, May 31, at 11:30 a.m. at Houndslake Country Club. Preregistration required. Call 800-322-8322 or visit aikenregional.com.

Free Bariatric Seminar is Thursday, May 24, from 6-7 p.m. at Doctors Hospital. Pre-registration required. Call 706-651-4343 or visit doctors-hospital.net.

Baby 101 infant care class is Thursday, May 31, at 7 p.m. at Doctors Hospital. Pre-registration required. Call 706-651-2229 or visit doctors-hospital.net.

Out of School Bash for middle and high school students is Thursday, May 31, from noon-2 p.m. at the Odell Weeks Center in Aiken and includes music, games and inflatables. Call 803-642-7631 or visit aikencountysc.gov.

Making Sense of Preventive Medicine, a lecture presented by Aiken Regional, is Thursday, May 24, at 6 p.m. at Towncreek Baptist Church. Preregistration required. Call 800-322-8322 or visit aikenregional.com.

Child Safety Seat Inspections and Car Seat Class, sponsored by Safe Kids East Central, are offered by appointment at either the Safe Kids Office or MartinezColumbia Fire Rescue. Call 706-721-7606 or visit georgiahealth.org/safekids.

21st Annual Greater Augusta Medals for Excellence in Sports (GAMES) Awards Banquet, featuring guest speaker Kyle Maynard, is Thursday, May 31 at the Augusta Marriott and Convention Center, with social hour at 6 p.m. and dinner at 7 p.m. $40 for Augusta Sports Council members; $45 for nonmembers. Call 706-722-8326, ext. 231, or visit augustasportscouncil.org.

Introduction to Infant CPR Class is Thursday, May 24, at 7 p.m. at University Hospital. Pre-registration required. Call 706-774-2825 or visit universityhealth.org.

Joint Efforts, presented by Trinity Hospital of Augusta, meets every Thursday from 11-11:45 a.m. at Augusta Bone and Joint, and features a free seminar about knee and hip pain, treatments, medication, food and exercise. Call 706-481-7604 or visit trinityofaugusta.com.

Weekly Wine Tastings at Vineyard Wine Market in Evans are each Friday from 4:30-6:30 p.m. and each Saturday from 1-6 p.m. Call 706-922-9463 or visit vine11.com.

Living with Alzheimer’s-Early Stage, an educational program for caregivers, is Tuesday, May 29, at 2 p.m. at the Kroc Center. Free, but pre-registration required. Call 706-731-9060 or visit krocaugusta.org.

The Augusta Market at the River is every Saturday through October 27 from 8 a.m.-2 p.m. at the 8th Street Bulkhead and features produce, arts and crafts and more for sale, as well as live music

Pickles and Ice Cream, a class for those in their first trimester of pregnancy, is Tuesday, May 29, at 7 p.m. at Doctors Hospital. Pre-registration required. Call 706-651-2229 or visit doctors-hospital.net.

Babies, Bumps and Bruises, an infant CPR and safety class, is Thursday, May 24, from 7-9 p.m. at Doctors Hospital. Pre-registration required. Call 706-651-2229 or visit doctors-hospital.net.

Infant CPR Anytime Learning Program will be held Thursdays at 6:30 p.m. at the first floor information desk (west entrance) of Georgia Health Sciences University. Visit georgiahealth.edu. Multiple Sclerosis and Parkinson Disease Aquatics Class meets every Monday and Friday at noon at the Wilson Family Y. Free for members; $3 for nonmembers. Pre-registration required. Call Claudia Collins at 706-922-9664 or visit thefamilyy.org.

Heart Attack and Stroke Prevention Orientation is every Monday at 6 p.m. and Tuesday at 2 p.m. at University Hospital’s Heart & Vascular Institute (Classroom 3). Call 706-774-5548 or visit universityhealth.org. Adapted Wii Special Populations available by appointment at the Wilson Family Y, and feature individual ½-hour classes for physically and developmentally challenged individuals of all ages. $10, members; $20, non-members. Call Claudia Collins at 706-922-9662 or visit thefamilyy.org.

Support

Cancer Share support group, for anyone diagnosed with cancer, meets Tuesday, May 29, at 6 p.m. at University Hospital’s Breast Health Center. Call 706774-8308 or visit universityhealth.org. Diabetes Youth Support Group meets quarterly. For more information, call 706-868-3241 or visit universityhealth.org. Cardiac Support Group meets three times a year. For more information on meetings, as well as for pre-registration, call 706-774-5864 or visit universityhealth.org. Adult Sexual Assault and Rape Support meets for group counseling. For more information, call 706-7245200 or visit universityhealth.org. Narcotics Anonymous, sponsored by Trinity Hospital of Augusta, meets Fridays and Sundays at 7:30 p.m. Call 706-855-2419 or visit trinityofaugusta.com. AA meets every Sunday and Wednesday at 7:15 p.m. at Aiken Regional Medical Center (Aurora Pavilion), and features an open discussion. Call 800-322-8322 or visit aikenregional.com. Burn Support Group meets every Tuesday at 10:30

Face to Face IT™ means we talk to you, one-on-one, to solve your problems. Contact us for Cloud Computing, VOIP, Video Conferencing Equipment and other IT Services.

(706) 860-1997 | cmaaugusta.com

24MAY2012

AUGUSTA’S INDEPENDENT VOICE SINCE 1989

METROSPIRIT 19

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Computer classes are offered every Thursday at 6 p.m. at the Wallace Branch Library. Call 706-722-6275 or visit ecgrl.org.

a.m. at Doctors Hospital (Lori Rogers Nursing Library, JMS Building). All burn survivors, and their families and friends are welcome. Call Tim Dorn at 706-651-6660 or visit doctors-hospital.net.

ESL classes are offered every Wednesday at 6 p.m. at Headquarters Branch Library (Third Floor Writing Lab). Pre-registration required. Call Charles Garrick at 803-279-3363 or visit ecgrl.org.

Moms Connection, a free support group for new mothers and their babies, meets Tuesdays from 1-2 p.m. at Georgia Health Sciences Building 1010C. Call 706-721-9351 or visit georgiahealth.org.

Intermediate Spanish Language Class is each Monday from 2:30-4 p.m. at Friedman Library. Pre-registration required. Call 706-736-6758 or visit ecgrl.org.

Education

Drivers Education Class will be held at Westminster Schools of Augusta for the first 30 teenagers who sign up. The class will be held May 29-June 1 from 8 a.m.-4 p.m. Email aglisson@wsa.net.

Beginner’s Spanish Language Class is each Monday from 4-5 p.m. at Friedman Library. Pre-registration required. Call 706-736-6758 or visit ecgrl.org.

The Night Sky, a presentation from Tedda Howard of the Augusta Astronomy Club, is Wednesday, May 30, at 10 a.m. at the Maxwell Branch Library. Call 706-7932020 or visit ecgrl.org.

Benefits

Karma Yoga is offered at Just Breathe Studio, downtown Aiken, each Friday at 10 a.m. and is free if participants bring a donation of a personal item, which will be given to the Cumbee Center to Assist Abused Persons. Call 803-648-8048 or visit justbreathestudio.com.

Food, Faith and Fitness, a women’s group, meets each Tuesday at 6 p.m. at the Kroc Center. Call 706-3645762 or visit krocaugusta.org.

Sports-Outdoors

GED classes meet weekly at the Kroc Center. Preregistration required. Call 706-364-5762 or visit krocaugusta.org. Work Networking Group is held each Monday from 8:30-10 a.m. at Grace United Methodist Church in North Augusta. A networking and informational meeting for anyone looking for a job, the group meets in room 206 of the Asbury Building and is facilitated by career and business professionals. Call 803-279-7525 or email doctor@pritchardgroup.com. GED classes are offered every Monday and Thursday at 6 p.m. and every Monday-Thursday at 9:30 a.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library (Third Floor Writing Lab). PINES library card required. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org.

The Augusta GreenJackets play the Savannah Sand Gnats on Thursday-Saturday, May 24-26, at 7:05 p.m. and Sunday, May 27, at 2:05 p.m. at Lake Olmstead Stadium. $7-$11. Call 706-736-7889 or visit greenjacketsbaseball.com.

Kyle Maynard, a record-setting weightlifter and MMA fighter who recently summited Mt. Kilimanjaro, was born with congenital amputation. He’ll share his story at the 21st Annual Greater Augusta Medals for Excellence in Sports (GAMES) Awards Banquet this Thursday, May 31, at the Augusta Marriott and Convention Center, with social hour at 6 p.m. and dinner at 7 p.m. $40 for Augusta Sports Council members; $45 for non-members. Call 706722-8326, ext. 231, or visit augustasportscouncil.org.

Augusta-Aiken Audubon Field Trip to Phinizy Swamp Nature Park to look for late migrants on the trails is Saturday, May 26, at 8 a.m. Free and open to the public. Visit augustaaikenaudubon.org/fieldtrips.html. Gone Fishing, an Augusta Canal Discovery Walk exploring the best fishing spots along the canal, is Saturday, May 26, at 10 a.m. and Sunday, May 27, at 3 p.m. Led by River & Glen’s Ben Moore, the walk

AUGUSTA & PORTMAN’S...

4020 WASHINGTON RD AUGUSTA

(706) 738-1651 www.portmansmusic.com

20 METROSPIRITAUGUSTA’S INDEPENDENT VOICE SINCE 1989

24MAY2012

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Beer

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Incidentals

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MAIN STAGE

Lera Lynn 25 Friday, May Stage ain 6:45 p.m. : M

gerut this sin b , a tt e r as been on to Lo no relati f Athens, Ga., h ’s e of h s , o o N out the world d e in s a lf b e s r r e e for he songwrit ite a nam u q go, she g in k ma decade a ed ic. s a u t s m o a lm n h America ving to Athens a s & Wire, launc d o ris h C 1 1 Since m ith the band Bir e 20 th n w o w d fest e has play l solo career and n held at Merle o ti r fu ti s o a succes gwriting Compe sharing the hon . n ,” o y ift Merrit Austin S g, “Bobby, Bab h and T h lc ic e h n W w o , s n poll Gillia p o s for her a P i x n o m rds V h alu with suc dent Music Awa n e p e ic ole Mus nual Ind 10th An 11 Flagp 0 e 2 ntly had ’ th e s c n e in r e g th d n n A o a f S o y im tr metown al accla lt. Coun at her ho ?” to internation r Best A t” fo s . ti d g r r n a A ti n w a o . original an nv Lyn an a mpanion nd the other an online fa ith “Best Americ You Met Lera lso won o a y C ” b e y t b u m a b o a e B s Prairie H , “Ring of Fire” m, “Hav d away w “Bobby, ed not by judge s can ’s nn walke debut solo albu arrison Keillor’s r in y te L m r r , . a ase. Fan r e te e C le it e h e s e r r b n G e e to e is d h r t Ju d w o n n d f r o porta elease Stage a from he r sophom a cover Just as im arch 2001 she r ownload will make up he Mountain new songs, one d ’s e R e P fr M N a n I t n s ongs tha Awards. on to perform o asing two brand rrently offered a of new s ti le u t c e c s r n o e ti y h r is b a a d s 2 ck 01 the ord Both tra ked off 2 ns to rec Lynn kic Make Me Wait.” a studio in Athe r. on’t nter tune, “D 012, Lynn will e out later this yea 2 d In May ew recor see the n to t c e p ex

Ketch & Critter Saturday, May 2 6 7:50 p.m. : Main St age

After the ban d Old Crow Medicine Sh a hiatus in la ow unexpec te 2011, fans tedly announ were concern not been the ced that they ed they mig case, and as h were taking t be calling it an have been p extra treat fo q uits. Fortunat laying “reun u n d in g m em ely, that has io n” dates since bers Ketch S Their musica ecor and Cri the beginnin l story traces tt er Fuqua g of back more th Valley of Vir ginia, where an two decad 2012. th es to a child ey grew up roots music. h exploring th They have p e region’s dee ood in the Shenandoah enned dozen Wheel,” whic p heritage o s of original h has recentl f southern songs in this y been certif 500,000 as go tradition, incl ied gold. TH ld and sales u ding “Wago E R fo IAA certifies r “Wagon W original songs n sales in exce heel” have al include “Tak ss of re e Em Away” ady surpasse write new on d 600,000. O and “James es. ther River Blues,” As a duo, K and they con etch and Cri ti n ue to tt er have perfo most recentl y, at Nashvill rmed togeth er e’ s on hundreds by their Old famed Ryman of stages, incl Crow bandm Auditorium. ud ate Morgan Secor and F sold out, so Jahnig on bas uqua will also ing, be prepared s. Most of th for a large cr b e joined e shows on th owd when th is tour have ese guys tak e the stage o n Saturday.

The Rambling Fevers

The Whiskey Gentry

The Brothers Comatose

PLAYLIST

Drive-By T ru Saturday ckers , May 26 9:45 p.m. : Main Stag e

This ye a heavy li r’s music hea dli neups o f previo ners, the Driv they fall us Banjo e-By Tr solidly uc u -B alt-coun try, but nder the umb -Ques, but w kers, might de it r viate a e fo ho ll unding a “I reall bit from y membe of American ver 16 years a the blu a. Som which w don’t give an r Patter n d 1 3 egr e alb y so h c yourself en done corre of that any kin n Hood does all them a sou ums to their asscred n ctly do ther ’t w wit The Dr h some stupid can include th f thought,” Ho aste time quib n rock band, it, ive-By T o od ose and bling o label?” Mike C ver deta thers a numb said. “We’re ooley d ruckers forme il a e s. r r o o c f other ec d fans ev genres. k and roll ban er since ided to try so in 1996 when W d, methin . hy restr Hood a Who els g new, ict nd form e b a u n t the Tu d they’v er Ada Pusser m cke e been or consiste ’s House Cat by raisin finance a dou rs would reco b ntly sur ble alb rd a thr g funds prising andmate um (“S ee-song online… Their u c o r u itics an s th u back in it ern Ro d Muscle nique sound, ck Ope e about “Walk heavily 2001? Shoals, ra”) loo in g T a in ll” sher sely ba Ala., ca “Mike if sed on me tog fluenced by H a Lynyrd f Buford ether in ood an “It’s a r nd I grew up Skynyr d Coole the bar in the M egion w d s and y’s e ith us immed iate fam a wildly dive cle Shoals are clubs of Ath arly years in m ens, Ga rs a ily. I m usic-ric story to . oved to e musical his , so of cours h tell, Being a and I have em Athens 18 y tory and herit e it’s an influe nce ea ag pa b “Althou rt of that all-s raced both wit rs ago, and it, e, some of wh ,” Hood said . tar line ich in to gh our h o o , pen a has a w up “Credit sc ild and volved my could g ene has roots identified wit rms.” diverse h Athe o in the c of the g musica ns o reatest a lot of places l rock an , but fir llege, it’s reall certainly didn lasting y d s ’t t and fo impact. become roll ban h u r t. rem I kno ds of all its own So how thing time co ost it should does his w it drew me g m o e in.” to R.E.M ,” he said. s from “I have music p y o n a .W u o ir r small idea,” h with ba someda town, it hen one rbecue? e said. y — abo does ha “I lov ut the s ve a ame tim e sushi, but w e never e peop le quit bet paid calling to play us south sushi ern roc k, perh fests. Maybe aps.”

Mountain Heart

Friday, Ma y2 5 p.m. - Ga 5 tes 5:30 p.m. - open Th 6:45 p.m. - e Ramblin’ Fevers Ler 8:15 p.m. - a Lynn The 9:45 p.m. - Brothers Comato se Mountain Heart Saturday , Ma 11 a.m. - G y 26 ates open Main Stag e 11:25 a.m. - Th 12:35 p.m. e Whiskey Gentry - Austin L ucas & Gl 2:15 p.m. ossary Frontier Ruckus 3:40 p.m. Lit 6:15 p.m. - tle Roy & Lizzy Sho Bu w 7:50 p.m. - xton Ket 9:45 p.m. - ch & Critter Drive-By T ruckers Saloon St ag 3:10 p.m. - e Sib 4:35 p.m. - ling String Th 5:45 p.m. - e Mason Jars Au 7:10 p.m. - stin Lucas Fro 9:05 p.m. - ntier Ruckus The Whisk ey Gentry

Little Roy and Lizzy Show

Mason Jars

V23|NO21

will begin at the Lake Olmstead canal entrance. Free for Augusta Canal Keeper Society members; $2, for non-members. Call 706-823-0440, ext. 4, or visit augustacanal.com. BlazeSports Swim Team, for all ages of physically challenged swimmers who want to train for competition, meets at the Wilson Family Y. $35 a month, members; $50 a month, non-members. Preregistration required. Visit thefamilyy.org. Wheelchair Tennis is each Monday at 6 p.m., weather permitting, at the Club at Rae’s Creek. Free and open to the public. Call 706-826-5809 or visit alsalley@ wrh.org. Augusta Canal Boat Tours lasting one hour are offered Monday-Saturday at 10 a.m., 11:30 a.m., 1:30 p.m. and 3 p.m., and Sunday at 1:30, 3 and 4:30 p.m. All tours include admission to the Augusta Canal Interpretive Center. Call 706-823-0440 or visit augustacanal.com. The Augusta Fencers Club is open five nights a week from 5:30-9 p.m. and most Saturday mornings from 10 a.m.-noon. Visitors always welcome. Call 706-722-8878. Thursday Night Chain Reaction Ride begins at 6 p.m. each Thursday at Patriots Park in Grovetown. For intermediate to fast-paced cyclists, who average 25-32 miles. Participants should bring their own water and helmet. Call 706-855-2024 or visit chainreactionbicycles.net. Riverview Disc Golf League meets each Thursday at 6 p.m. at Riverview Park in North Augusta. $5 entry fee and $1 ace pool. Call 803-215-8181 or visit augustadiscgolf.com. Road Bike Ride meets each Thursday at 6:30 p.m. at Andy Jordan’s Bicycle Warehouse downtown for an

approximately 25-mile ride at a moderate to fast pace. Front and rear lights, as well as a helmet, are required. Call 706-724-6777 or visit andyjordans.com. Guided Trail Rides at Hilltop Riding Stables at Fort Gordon are available Saturdays at 9 a.m., 10:30 a.m., noon, 1:30 p.m. and 3 p.m.; Sundays at 9 a.m., 10:30 a.m. and noon; and Wednesday-Friday at 11 a.m. with reservations 24 hours in advance. All trail rides are on a first-come, first-served basis, and participants should arrive 30 minutes prior to the trail ride starting for sign in procedures. $23-$30. Call 706-791-4864 or visit fortgordon.com. Zumba with Sohailla is every Saturday from 10-11 a.m. at the Ballroom Dance Center in Evans. Call 706-4216168 or visit zumbawithsohailla.blogspot.com. Saturday Historic Trolley Tours are Saturdays from 1:30-3:15 p.m. at the Augusta Museum of History. Reservations required 24 hours in advance. $12. Call 706-724-4067 or visit augustamuseum.org. Lakeside Rideouts at Hilltop Riding Stables at Fort Gordon are each Sunday beginning at 1:30 p.m. on a first-come, first-served basis. The ride, which begins at 2 p.m., is a two-hour guided ride to Wilkerson Lake. $45-$50. Call 706-791-4864 or visit fortgordon.com.

706-814-7514 or visit killerbdiscgolf.blogspot.com/p/ hott-shott.

Kids

Lego Club meets Friday, May 25, at 4 p.m. at North Augusta’s Nancy Carson Library. Call 803-279-5767 or visit abbe-lib.org.

Family Summer Reading Challenge Kickoff is Wednesday, May 30, at 6 p.m. at the Diamond Lakes Branch Library. Call 706-772-2432 or visit ecgrl.org.

Boys Only Special Story Time, sponsored by the Boy Scouts of America, is Saturday, May 26, at 2 p.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. Participants are encouraged to wear their PJs and bring sleeping bags for stories around the campfire. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org.

Safe Sitter, a babysitting class for those ages 11-13, is Thursday, May 31, from 9 a.m.-4 p.m. at Doctors Hospital. Pre-registration required. Call 706-651-4343 or visit doctors-hospital.net.

Nuts About Nutrition for Kids, a program led by UGA’s Cooperative Extension Office, is Tuesday, May 29, at 10 a.m. at the Friedman Branch Library. Call 706-7366758 or visit ecgrl.org. The Weather Around Us, a program for those ages 6-12 led by NBC-Augusta’s Rich Rogers, is Tuesday, May 29, at 10:30 a.m. at the Diamond Lakes Branch Library. Call 706-772-2432 or visit ecgrl.org. Nutrition Special for Kids is Wednesday, May 30, at 10:30 a.m. at the Appleby Branch Library. Call 706736-6244 or visit ecgrl.org.

Yoga Class at Euchee Creek Branch Library meets every Tuesday at 10:30 a.m. Pre-registration required. Call 706-556-0594 or visit ecgrl.org.

Wii Gaming Tournament is Wednesday, May 30, at 2 p.m. at the Columbia County Library. Pre-registration required. Call 706-447-7657 or visit ecgrl.org.

Nacho Mama’s Group Run is each Tuesday at 6 p.m. and features food and drinks afterwards. Three- and four-mile routes are available for all ages and abilities of runners. Call 706-414-4059 or email jim@ enduranceconcepts.com.

The Savannah River Ecology Lab visits the Euchee Creek Branch Library on Wednesday, May 30, at 2:30 p.m. for a special summer reading program event. Call 706-556-0594 or visit ecgrl.org.

Hott Shott Disc Golf is each Wednesday at 7 p.m. at Killer B Disc Golf, 863 Broad Street, and features games and prizes for all ages and skill levels. $2. Call

Drama Club for teens meets Wednesday, May 30, at 4 p.m. at the Columbia County Library. Call 706-8631946 or visit ecgrl.org.

Special Summer Reading Program at the Harlem Branch Library is Wednesday, May 30, at 2:30 p.m. Call 706-556-9795 or visit ecgrl.org.

Dream Big, Read! Bookmarks program, for those ages 5-11 who will make their own bookmarks, is Thursday, May 31, at 10 a.m. at the Diamond Lakes Branch Library. Call 706-772-2432 or visit ecgrl.org. Game Day for teens is Thursday, May 31, from 2-4 p.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. Call 706-8212600 or visit ecgrl.org. Transit of Venus shows Saturdays in May at 8 and 9 p.m. at the DuPont Planetarium in Aiken. $5.50, adults; $4.50, seniors; $3.50, 4K-12 students; $1, USC-A students, faculty and staff. Call 803-641-3654 or visit http://rpsec.usca.edu/planetarium. Preschool Story Time is every Tuesday at Headquarters Branch Library at 10 a.m. Toddler Story Time is every Wednesday at 10 a.m. Group registration required. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org. Story Time is every Tuesday at 10 a.m. at Diamond Lakes Branch Library. Groups of six or more must preregister. Call 706-772-2432 or visit ecgrl.org. Story Time is every Tuesday at 10 a.m. at Friedman Branch Library. Groups of six or more must preregister. Call 706-736-6758 or visit ecgrl.org. Story Time is every Wednesday at 10 a.m. at Maxwell Call us today at 706.667.9009

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Branch Library. Pre-registration required. Call 706793-2020 or visit ecgrl.org. Story Time is every Wednesday from 10-11:15 a.m. at Wallace Branch Library. Pre-registration required. Call 706-722-6275 or visit ecgrl.org. Story Time at the Columbia County Library is each Tuesday at 11 a.m. for those under 2; Monday, Wednesday and Thursday at 10:15 a.m. for 2-yearolds; and Monday, Wednesday and Thursday at 11 a.m. for preschoolers. Call 706-863-1946 or visit ecgrl.org. Story Time at the Euchee Creek Branch Library, for all ages, is each Wednesday at 10:30 a.m. and each Thursday at 4 p.m. Call 706-556-0594 or visit ecgrl.org.

Seniors

Basket Making, a lunch and learn program for adults, is each Tuesday in May at 11:30 a.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. $10. Pre-registration required. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org.

Senior Computer Classes meet weekly at the Kroc Center. Pre-registration required. Call 706-364-5762 or visit krocaugusta.org.

Volunteers

National Seniors Health & Fitness Day is all day May 30 at the Kroc Center. Free for seniors. Call 706-3645762 or visit krocaugusta.org.

Medicare and You is a program that meets every Thursday from 9 a.m.-noon at the Kroc Center. Call 706-364-5762 or visit krocaugusta.org. Games for Seniors at the Weeks Center in Aiken include Rummikub each Thursday from 9 a.m.-noon, Mahjong each Thursday from 1-4 p.m., Bridge each Friday from 11:30 a.m.-3 p.m., Bingo each Tuesday at 9 a.m., Pinochle each Tuesday from 10:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m., and

VISTA associates needed by the United Way for 20 summer positions they need to fill. Volunteers work nine weeks between June 1-August 5 and positions are available for those ages 18-24. Associates will receive a bi-weekly allowance, and applications are being accepted now. Call 706-724-5544 or visit americorps.gov. Augusta Public Library is looking for volunteers. Friends of the library receive a 10 percent discount at The Book Tavern, complimentary dessert at French Market Grille, one free Petersburg Boat Ride, free

Evenings in the Appleby Garden, featuring piano classics by Harcour t Waller, is Tuesday, May 29, at 8 p.m. Guests are encouraged to bring their own chairs and blankets. Free. Call 706-736-6244 or visit ecgrl.org. The series is just one of the many outdoor concer t series that have recently begun in the area. See the music section of the calendar for more information. Story Time is every Tuesday at 10:30 a.m. at Harlem Branch Library. Call 706-556-9795 or visit ecgrl.org.

Canasta on Tuesdays and Fridays from 11:30 a.m.3:30 p.m. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov.

Ceramics Class, for ages 14 and up, meets Mondays at 9 a.m. or 6 p.m., Tuesdays at 6 p.m., and Wednesdays at 9 a.m. in the Weeks Ceramics Center. Call 803-6427631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov.

coffee and discounts at Sundrees Market, and bogo admission at the Woodrow Wilson House. Call 706821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org.

Silversneakers I is offered Mondays and Wednesdays at 9 a.m. and Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays at 11:15 a.m., while Silversneakers Yogastretch is offered Mondays and Wednesdays at 11:15 a.m. at the Weeks Center in Aiken. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov.

Hospice Care of America’s Augusta office needs administrative and patient care volunteers. No experience necessary; training will be provided. Call Rich Boland at 706-447-2626 or email rboland@ msa-corp.com.

Toddler Time, free play for children ages 5 and under, is each Monday and Wednesday from 9:30-11:30 a.m. at the H.O. Weeks Center in Aiken. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov. Wacky Wednesday Story Time is each Wednesday at 10 a.m. in the children’s department of Barnes and Noble in the Augusta Mall. Call 706-737-0012 or visit bn.com. Story Time is every Wednesday at Appleby Branch Library from 10:05-10:20 a.m. for toddlers 18 months-35 months, and from 10:30-11:15 a.m. for preschoolers ages 3 and up. Parent must stay with child. Call 706-736-6244 or visit ecgrl.org.

22 METROSPIRITAUGUSTA’S INDEPENDENT VOICE SINCE 1989

Ceramics Class is offered at 9 a.m. on Mondays or Wednesdays and 6 p.m. on Mondays or Tuesdays at the Weeks Center. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov. Fit 4 Ever is offered at the Weeks Center in Aiken on Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays from 10-11 a.m. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov. Line Dancing is each Tuesday at the Weeks Center in Aiken at 10 a.m. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov.

Story Time is every Wednesday at 10:15 a.m. for Pre-K, and either 11 or 11:30 a.m. for preschoolers at Aiken County Public Library. Call 803-642-2023 or visit abbe-lib.org.

Yoga I and II are offered at the Weeks Center in Aiken on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays from 8:45-9:45 a.m. and on Mondays and Wednesdays from 5:30-6:30 p.m. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov.

Story Time is every Wednesday from 10:30-11 a.m. for toddlers and 11:15-11:45 a.m. for preschoolers at North Augusta Branch Library. Call 803-279-5767 or abbe-lib.org.

Hobbies

Elsewhere

Memorial Day Weekend Paddle Trip on the Savannah River, sponsored by Savannah Riverkeeper, is Saturday, May 26, at 8 a.m.-Monday, May 28, at 3 p.m. and departs from Burton’s Ferry Landing in Sylvania. Motorized boats will follow canoers and kayakers so they won’t have to carry gear. $225 per person; $600 for a family of four. Call 706-826-8991 or visit savannahriverkeeper.org. Thursday Nights at the High, a special event at the High Museum of Art in Atlanta, offers half price tickets from 4-8 p.m. each Thursday. A guided tour is offered at 6:30 p.m. Call 404-733-4200 or visit high.org.

If you would like to see your organization’s events listed in our calendar, please email Amy Christian at amy@themetrospirit.com. The deadline for each Thursday’s issue is the previous Friday at noon.

Chess Club meets Thursday, May 24, from 11:30 a.m.1 p.m. at the Kroc Center. Free. Call 706-364-5762 or visit krocaugusta.org.

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ART45

AMYCHRISTIAN

Out of the Clubs Candlelight Jazz series provides a different venue, and audience, for the genre Karen Gordon is fully aware that she tends to bite off more than she can chew. “I have a bad habit of taking on ridiculous challenges,” she laughed. The local jazz musician and member of quietSTORM founded Garden City Jazz in 2004, around the same time she was asked by the city of Augusta to take over June Jazz from Wayne Hoyt when he moved from Augusta. Now called Candlelight Jazz, Gordon is still in charge of the popular music series, expanding it from its MayAugust format with a series of preview concerts that began in March. “Candlelight Jazz usually lasts May through August with a little bit of a festival on Labor Day weekend,” she explained. “We usually have regulars who want us to extend into the fall because we’ve all burned up in the summer and they’re not ready for it to end. But it’s a city-sponsored event and September is when the city gets really busy with Border Bash and Arts in the Heart and other festivals.” The solution, she said, was to start early rather than end later, giving her the perfect opportunity to include a group of musicians that she normally would not have been able to. “It allowed me to call on school bands and program them a bit more, so I was really excited,” she said. “When I was in school, we didn’t have any place to perform except for school and for parents, so that is something I’ve been adamant about.” So, in March and April, Gordon was able to include groups from ASU and USC-Aiken, as well as those from local high schools such as Davidson

“I knew I didn’t want to perform a whole lot anymore,” she said. “I made a pretty nice amount of money playing the piano, but my passion is presenting and introducing jazz to kids and really providing a vehicle for musicians in town who love to play to be seen.” And under her care, Candlelight Jazz has grown. Gordon estimates that 200-250 attend each Sunday night’s concert, some coming as early as an hour before to nab a good spot on the ground, at a picnic table or on one of the nearby swings. Though they’re held outside, the family friendly concerts prohibit smoking, but gladly welcome food, drinks and even well-behaved pets. “People can bring their own seating, bring their own picnics with whatever they want to eat and drink in there,” she said. “We do have a couple of vendors, for those who didn’t bring anything but, usually, if I forget to bring something to drink, I’ll just run over to Mi Rancho.” Parking, she said, is plentiful in the Fort Discovery and Cotton Patch parking lots, and Richmond County deputies provide security. And because it is family friendly and safe, Gordon said she can accomplish both her missions at once. “The great thing is with this series, I’ve been able to develop my relationships with local jazz musicians,” she said. “They know they’re not going to get paid a lot of money, but it’s a great venue and they get to play in front of people they don’t

already know.” and Greenbrier. Lakeside High School was scheduled to perform, but that So not only are the musicians happy, but she said kids who come to hear the performance was rained out. music may just find out that jazz isn’t what they think it is. While providing kids the opportunity to perform in front of audiences is one of “I have a billion reasons I like to do this and one, the billionth, is that prior to Gordon’s missions, so is introducing even younger children to jazz. So in addition Candlelight Jazz, I’d only been able to go out to listen to jazz music in a club,” she to overseeing Candlelight Jazz and the Garden City Jazz website, she has also said. “I really believe it is important to expose kids to jazz music, because so many scheduled several Jazz 4 Kids programs at local libraries. The series began in May people think jazz is old-people music. I really want to take it out of the club and into a and continues through mid-July as part of the library’s summer reading program. setting where everyone, old and young, short and tall… whoever… can experience it.” “I don’t perform live at the Jazz 4 Kids shows; I bring my iPod and play a series of tunes while we sing and clap and wiggle and all that,” she said. “And by the time Candlelight Jazz Series I’m worn out, we sit down and read a story. It’s a light introduction. And I get to act Riverwalk’s 8th Street Stage really silly and nobody looks at me funny.” Sundays, through August | 8 p.m. And, as if that wasn’t enough, Gordon, a new board member of The Downtown $6; free for ages 12 and under Augusta Alliance (DA²), also works with the management of the Augusta Market gardencityjazz.com to arrange entertainment each Saturday morning. “Also, crazily, we have expanded the performances we July 8: 3 Sides of Jazz and Doc Easton Smooth Jazz have been doing at the market,” she said. “Before, we July 15: Rob Nordan Jazz and Sounds Unlimited had the tent that we had under the wonderful oak tree on May 27: London Arrington’s Dirty Jazz July 22: Chris Andrews the plaza. Now, the DA² has constructed a stage.” June 3: Chris Crenshaw July 29: Mike Frost Jazz Although she doesn’t perform at all the concert series June 10: Edwin G. Hamilton Trio August 5: Modern Jazz Movement that she’s involved in, that’s still a lot for one person to June 17: Glenn Hills High School and The Decibels (free) August 12: Rob Foster & Pulsar manage. Gordon, however, says she thoroughly enjoys June 24: Courtland Saxon and Preston & Weston August 19: Hyland Brooks being off the stage and behind the scenes.

Candlelight Jazz Schedule

July 1: Calvin “Big Bopper” Edwards

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August 26: quietSTORM

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Thursday, May 24 Live Music

French Market Grille West - Doc Easton Joe’s Underground - Jeremy Graham Band Mellow Mushroom (Downtown and Evans) - Live and Local Metro Coffeehouse & Pub- Connoe Pledger O Lounge - Jazmine Soul Band Red Pepper Cafe - Funk/Fusion Jazz Rose Hill Stables - Preston, Weston and Sandra Sky City - Old You, Dr. Bread Travinia’s - Smooth Jazz The Willcox - Classic Jazz Wild Wing - She N She

What’s Tonight?

Casa Blanca - Thursday Tango Club Argos - Karaoke Cocktails Lounge - Karaoke Coyote’s - Karaoke Fishbowl Lounge - Karaoke Fox’s Lair - Soup, Suds & Conversations Helga’s Pub & Grille - Trivia The Highlander - Butt Naked Trivia The Library - DJ Kris Fisher The Loft - Karaoke The Playground - Open Mic Malibu Jack’s - Sports Trivia with Mike Thomas Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Evans) - Karaoke The Playground - Open Mic with Brandy Shannon’s - Karaoke Somewhere in Augusta - Keno Soul Bar - Boom Box Dance Party Villa Europa - Karaoke Wooden Barrel - ’80s Night Karaoke

Friday, May 25 Live Music

1102 - Morris Davidson Band Augusta Moonlight Music Cruise - Angela Easterling Carolina Ale House - Jim Perkins Cotton Patch - Happy Bones Country Club - Ty Brown Evans Towne Center - Papa Joe’s Banjo-B-Que & Bluegrass Festival w/ Drive-By Truckers, Ketch & Critter, Mountain Heart, The Little Roy & Lizzy Show, Buxton,The Brothers Camatose, Lera Lynn, Frontier Ruckus, The Whiskey Gentry, Austin Lucas and Glossary, Sibling String, The Ramblin’ Fevers, The Mason Jars The First Round - Cameras, Guns & Radios French Market Grille West - Doc Easton Joe’s Underground - The Beer Lovers Laura’s Backyard Tavern - Shameless Dave & The Miracle Whips PI Bar & Grill - Jazz Duo The Playground - Barb Wire Dolls Shannon’s - The Southern Meltdown Band Surrey Tavern - Yo Mama’s Big Fat Booty Band Wild Wing - Toyzz

What’s Tonight?

Club Argos - Variety Show Cocktails Lounge - Grown-Up Fridays with DJ Cork and Bull Pub - Karaoke Eagle’s Nest - Free Salsa Lessons; Latin Dance Party First Round - DJ Kris Fisher Fishbowl Lounge - Karaoke Iron Horse Bar & Grill - Karaoke The Library - Foamed Out Friday Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke with Ryan Moseley 24MAY2012

Mi Rancho (Washington Road) - Karaoke with Jeff Barnes Mi Rancho (Clearwater) - Three J’s Karaoke Ms. Carolyn’s - Karaoke Palmetto Tavern - DJ Tim Rebeck’s Hideaway - Open Mic Roadrunner Cafe - Karaoke with Steve Chappel Soul Bar - Disco Hell Tropicabana - Latin Friday Wheels - Live DJ Wooden Barrel - Karaoke Contest

Saturday, May 26 Live Music

The Acoustic Coffeehouse - Open Acoustic Jam Session with Eryn Eubanks and the Family Fold Cotton Patch - Pamela Austin Country Club - Thomas Tillman Fox’s Lair - R2D1 Joe’s Underground- Jerod Gay P.I. Bar and Grill - Smooth Jazz Wild Wing - Playback The Band w/ TuTu Devine

Wild Wing - Sabo & Friends The Willcox - Piano Jazz

What’s Tonight?

Club Argos - Karaoke Fishbowl Lounge - Dart League Laura’s Backyard Tavern - Karaoke w/ David Doane Malibu Jack’s - Karaoke with Denny Mellow Mushroom (Downtown and Evans) - Trivia Somewhere In Augusta - Big Prize Trivia

Wednesday, May 30 Live Music

Joe’s Underground - Sibling String Wild Wing - Old Man Crazy

What’s Tonight?

Club Argos - Santoni’s Satin Dolls Cocktails Lounge - Augusta’s Got Talent

Jim Perkins - Somewhere In Augusta - June 1 The Mosier Brothers - Surrey Tavern June 1 & 2 John Berret’s LaRoxes - Iron Horse Bar and Grill June 3 The Threads - The First Round June 7 Shameless Dave & The Miracle Whips - Laura’s Backyard Tavern June 8 Shovels & Rope - Sky City June 9 Louis Lewis - Surrey Tavern June 13 Los Bastardos Magnificos - Sky City June 14 Shane Owens and Bottom - Coyote’s June 15 John Berret’s LaRoxes - 1102 June 16 Blair Crimmins and The Hookers - Stillwater Taproom June 22 Granny’s Gin - The First Round June 22 Ten Toes Up - Surrey Tavern June 23 Fresh Music Festival w/ Keith Sweat, Doug E. Fresh, Guy, SWV, K-Ci, & JoJo- James Brown Arena June 29

What’s Tonight?

Club Argos - Variety Show Cocktails Lounge - Latin Night Fishbowl Lounge - Karaoke Fox’s Lair - Karaoke w/ Mario and Birkie Helga’s Pub & Grille - Trivia The Loft - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke with Rockin Rob Mi Rancho (Clearwater) - Karaoke with Danny Haywood Mi Rancho (Washington Road) - Karaoke Ms. Carolyn’s - Karaoke One Hundred Laurens - DJ Kenny Ray Robbie’s - Saturday Night Dance Party Sky City - ’90s Night Tropicabana - Salsa Saturday Wheels - Live DJ Wooden Barrel - Kamikaze Karaoke

Sunday, May 27 Live Music

5 O’Clock Bistro - Buzz and Candice Candlelight Jazz - London Arrington’s Dirty Jazz Wild Wing - Brandon Hooker Duo The Willcox - Jazz Jam Session

What’s Tonight?

Caribbean Soul - Love Jones Sundays Malibu Jack’s - Karaoke with Mike Swift Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Washington Road) - Karaoke, Salsa Dancing

Monday, May 28 Live Music

Shannon’s - Open Mic Night

What’s Tonight?

Applebee’s (Evans) - Trivia Club Argos - Karaoke Malibu Jack’s - Trivia with Mike Thomas Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Trivia with Mike Thomas Somewhere In Augusta - Free Poker Tournaments Wild Wing - Trivia

Tuesday, May 29 Live Music

Appleby Library - Evenings in the Appleby Garden w/ Harcourt Waller The Highlander - Open Mic Night Fox’s Lair - John Fisher

Cotton Patch - Trivia and Tunes Hotel Aiken - Karaoke w/ Tom Mitchell Laura’s Backyard Tavern - Karaoke w/ David Doane The Loft - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Washington Road) - Karaoke with Rockin’ Rob The Playground - Krazy Karaoke with Big Troy Polo Tavern - Karaoke w/ Tom Mitchell Somewhere in Augusta - Donna Carter and David Black

Upcoming

Ravenswood - The First Round May 31 Ruskin Yeargain - Joee’s Underground May 31 Acosta - Wild Wing May 31 Savannah River String Band - Augusta Moonlight Music Cruise June 1 An Evening with Yanni - Bell Auditorium June 1 Happy Bones - Cotton Patch June 1 Tyler Hammond Band - Country Club Jine 1

The Southern Meltdown Band - Laura’s Backyard Tavern June 29 The Threads - The First Round June 29 John Berret’s LaRoxes - 1102 July 6 Concrete Jumpsuit - Surrey Tavern - July 19 Hot Rod Walt and the Psycho-DeVilles - The Loft July 20 The Southern Meltdown Band - Laura’s Backyard Tavern June 29 John Berret’s LaRoxes - Iron Horse Bar and Grill July 22 John Berret’s LaRoxes - 1102 July 27 Cameras, Guns & Radios - The First Round August 3

Elsewhere

Jim Perkins - Varners, Smyrna May 24 Atlanta Jazz Fest - Piedmont Park, Atlanta May 26-28 Vampirates - No Control, Savannah May 29 Smokey’s Farmland Band - Heritage Green, Sandy Springs June 1 AUGUSTA’S INDEPENDENT VOICE SINCE 1989

METROSPIRIT 27

WE GIVE UP...

METRO

SPIRIT dot C M

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IN MUSIC

Once Again… I’m Not the Guy from Lady A

It seems that I become my most popular when Lady Antebellum comes to town. The multi-Grammy-winning band was in town this week for two shows at the James Brown Arena. Don’t get me wrong; I think it’s great that a couple guys from Augusta have made it to the top of the country music game, but overkill is the first thing that comes to mind when you mention Lady Antebellum. For the people who know me personally and professionally, the first thing that comes to their mind is how much I look like “that dude” from Lady Antebellum, also known as Dave Haywood. For two days my phone was buzzing with people either wanting tickets or asking what time I’m going on stage. The best part was on Monday when I was getting my Monday beer replenishment at Stillwater and the band and the crew from Lady Antebellum were there; not the three famous members of the band, the people who actually play during the concert. They were enjoying a day off by consuming as much alcohol as possible and by the end of the night everyone was calling me Dave. The crew seemed cool and I’m sure the shows were a success. But from now on, please call me Matt. It was even cooler to hear about another success from Augusta this week. Hardy Morris, best known as the lead singer of the band Dead Confederate, is heading back to late-night television, but this time it’s with his new band. Morris posted on his Facebook, “Flight booked for NYC for Diamond Rugs on David Letterman Show (June 25)... No turning back now… I think we are gonna play the Spaceballs theme song.” Hardy has appeared on the old Late Night with Conan O’Brien show with Dead Confederate. Hopefully no one in the new band will fall down this time. No word on what this means for the future of Dead Confederate. Looks like it’s going to be up to Hardy himself. The Schwartz is strong in this one. Look, I’m not a fan of banjos, but this weekend is going to be awesome. I’m speaking of the Banjo-B-Que, of course. Good food and a great line-up. Oh, and awesome beer. You honestly had me at beer. If you are looking for a plan for Saturday night, come out and see the Drive-By Truckers. You have to love the South. A perfect Saturday to me is out in the heat with my girl and my dog, listening to music, drinking beer and eating food that if taken down in mass quantities could make my heart explode. God bless America. Damn you cancer! MCA was first, now it just gets worse. And no, I’m not going to use a “Staying Alive” joke here either. The music world lost a couple more iconic figures this past week. Robin Gibb of the Bee Gees lost his battle to colon and liver cancer, along with Donna Summer losing her battle with lung cancer. That’s a real bummer. In two weeks: cancer 3, doctors 0. There are certain times where I would like to live in Austin, Texas. Mainly two times a year: during SXSW and during the Austin City Limits Festival. This year’s Austin City Limits Festival line-up is ridiculous. Red Hot Chili Peppers, Neil Young, The Black Keys, Jack White, Weezer, Gotye and Alabama Shakes, just to name a few. Tickets are on sale now and the show is in October. Getting my road trip list ready. Looking for a new live band to check out? Cameras, Guns, & Radios will be playing with Jesup Dolly at First Round Bar on Friday night. What shows are coming our way? What band is making big moves? Hit me up. That sounded really white of me. Anyway, email matt@ themetrospirit.com.

MATTSTONE can be heard weekdays from 2-6 p.m. on 95 Rock.

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Michael Johnson

mejphoto.photoreflect.com

Chris and Liz Cosper with Ellie and Dr. Don Loebl at Historic Augusta’s Cotton Ball.

SIGHTINGS

The host family, Charsie, Trave, Kate, Natalie and Travers Paine, at Historic Augusta’s Cotton Ball.

Linda Miller, Tom Battey and Ann Beth Strelec at Historic Augusta’s Cotton Ball.

SIGHTINGS

Donald Hancock, singer Jenna Jentry and Chris Williams at Thunder Over Augusta at Evans Towne Center Park.

PFC Tanner May, Donnie Thompson and PFC Jonathan Ayala at Thunder Over Augusta at Evans Towne Center Park.

SIGHTINGS

Jennifer Mercer, Erin Allen and Shannon Jenkins at The Country Club.

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Rhonda Pruitt, Meghan Woodruff, Allison Collins and Merideth Harris at Midtown Lounge.

Freestyle Motocross Motorcycle and Team FMX’s Kenny Steinke, Ed Rossi and Travis Willis with Austin and Thomas Digsby at Thunder Over Augusta at Evans Towne Center Park.

Michael Johnson

mejphoto.photoreflect.com

Evelyn Kouzov, Mallory Sleister and Mary Brannigan at The Library.

AUGUSTA’S INDEPENDENT VOICE SINCE 1989

METROSPIRIT 29

THE

EIGHT

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BOX TOPS

Is the “You sunk my battleship!” joke too expected? RANK

TITLE

WEEKEND GROSS

TOTAL GROSS

WEEK #

LAST WEEK

1

THE AVENGERS

$55,644,102

$457,665,517

3

1

2

BATTLESHIP

$25,534,825

$25,534,825

1

-

3

THE DICTATOR

$17,435,092

$17,435,092

1

-

4

DARK SHADOWS

$12,583,338

$50,721,759

2

2

5

WHAT TO EXPECT...

$10,547,068

$10,547,068

1

-

“The Dictator”

SAMEIFLING

The rare bad movie that might just be worth seeing Maybe a quarter of the attempted laugh lines in “The Dictator” really lands, but it starts one-for-one. Before the title screen appears, a somber opening graphic dedicates the film to the memory of… Kim Jong-il. The deceased North Korean dictator/nutbar probably did serve as more than token inspiration for Sacha Baron Cohen’s titular tyrant. The “Ali G” creator plays Admiral General Aladeen, a monomaniacal brat who as a boy inherited control of the Republic of Wadiya, a sandpile atop an ocean of oil on the African side of the Red Sea. Aladeen runs his country as a mashup of North Korean cult-ofpersonality (he has changed multiple Wadiyan words to his own name) and Saddamesque opulence. He beds a parade of paid celebrity schtups (Megan Fox obliges as synecdoche), festoons himself with military ribbon bars, taxis about in gold-plated SUVs and wins every athletic or acting contest he enters. Life is all grapes and hosannas in his bubble of unaccountable narcissism. Aladeen’s a big spender but could be doing more to exploit the oil reserves, so his fuming uncle, played by — whoa, is that Ben Kingsley? Anyway, his uncle schemes to have him whacked. On a trip to New York for a speech to the United Nations, Aladeen is kidnapped and replaced by a double who announces to the world that Wadiya will be a democracy, open for business. The real Aladeen, seeing this, aims to avert the disaster that would be democracy. Seeing him as a helplessly dispossessed Wadiyan, Anna Faris enters as a helpful coop grocery manager who embodies every cliché about effete liberal well-meaners, down to the hirsute armpits and nauseating kindness. Thus is set in motion New York’s strangest romantic pairing since King Kong and Fay Wray. The humor in “The Dictator” splatters an even broader blast zone than Cohen’s previous films, “Borat” and “Bruno.” Those took aim at Americans’ prejudice and vanity, both by dropping the Cambridge-trained Cohen into contrived situations with real people whose honest reactions lent a documentary air to the comedies. “The Dictator” goes fully scripted but still plumbs the same setup for its laughs: ambiguously accented foreigner drops into America; locals, believing themselves broadminded, welcome his obvious maladaptations as cultural markers to be tolerated. This allows Cohen to make highly racist, sexist, xenophobic jokes under the guise of putting his characters (real or fictional) in position to react to

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racism, sexism and xenophobia. It’s amusing in “The Dictator” but it was funnier in “Borat” and “Bruno,” when average jerks on the street were confronted with this warped social experiment. When Cohen stacks the deck with a shrill granola-sprite like Faris, the audience no longer gets to cringe along with the unsuspecting mark. Instead we just feel mean. Not all the jokes flop because they’re lazily cruel. Many flop simply because they’re not very funny. Larry Charles, the one-time “Seinfeld” writer and director of “Borat” and “Bruno,” paces much of the dialogue as if he’s expecting a laugh track to fill empty space. Several of the bits between Cohen and his deposed nuclear mastermind, played by Jason Mantzoukas, make two minutes feel like 10, like listless improv, while other montage gags hit or miss seemingly at random. Even an inspired late speech comparing the American system to autocracy can’t rescue the preceding 80 minutes. By the obligatory end-credit outtakes, “The Dictator” has at turns tickled, offended and bored just about everyone in the house.

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ACTION

“Men in Black III,” rated PG-13, starring Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin. Ten years after “Men in Black II,” will anybody care (or remember) Agents J and K, or bother catching up with the first two before seeing the third? Doubtful, but here’s one thing that’s certain: Josh Brolin is a younger Tommy Lee Jones. Excellent casting, guys.

COMEDY

“Moonrise Kingdom,” rated PG-13, starring Bruce Willis, Bill Murray, Edward Norton, Tilda Swinton, Harvey Keitel, Frances McDormand, Jason Schwartzman. To fans of oddball Wes Anderson, the subject of “Moonrise Kingdom” is irrelevant. His name alone will bring them in droves. We’re happy to see Anderson branching out from his cast of regulars (looking at you, Wilson brothers), especially when one of the newer cast additions is the equally oddballerific Tilda Swinton.

HORROR

“Chernobyl Diaries,” rated R, starring Jess McCartney, Olivia Dudley. What bothers us most about this new creeper from “Paranormal Activity”’s Oren Peli? That, in the trailers, the characters have to explain what happened at Chernobyl. It wasn’t that long ago, was it?

With two prominent disco divas dying in one week, Robin Gibb on Sunday and Donna Summer last Thursday, it seems only fitting to go back and revisit the era of “Jive Talkin” and “Night Fever” by watching the seminal film of the era. Even though none of Summer’s anthems are on the soundtrack (you’ll have to dig up your turntable and vinyl for that), you’ll at least get to hear the Brothers Gibb in their falsetto heyday, as well as remember a younger, thinner and way less creepy John Travolta. As Tony Manero, Travolta shines, even when just walking down the street to “Stayin’ Alive.” But when he starts dancing? Well, it’s difficult to proclaim that disco sucks when you see those moves on the dance floor. Gibb’s and Summer’s deaths may foretell the real end of the disco era, but you can give it a good send-off by watching this classic.

24MAY2012

WERECOMMEND

“Saturday Night Fever”

AUGUSTA’S INDEPENDENT VOICE SINCE 1989

METROSPIRIT 31

THE8ERS V23|NO21

Movie times are subject to change.

The Big Mo

Gates open at 7 p.m.; shows begin at 8:30 p.m. (approximately) May 26-27

Field 1: Men in Black III (PG13) and Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (PG-13) ; Field 2: Dark Shadows (PG-13) and The Avengers (PG-13); Field 3: The Hunger Games (PG-13) and Battleship (PG-13).

Masters 7 Cinemas May 26-27 Mirror Mirror (PG) 1:15, 4:15, 7, 9:30; Wrath of the Titans (PG13) 1:45, 4:45, 7:15, 9:50; 21 Jump Street (R) 12:45, 3, 5:15, 7:30, 10;

John Carter (PG-13) 1, 4, 7, 9:40; A Thousand Words (PG-13) 9:50; Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax (PG) 1, 3:15, 5:25, 7:40; Tyler Perry’s Good Deeds (PG-13) 6:45, 9:40; Journey 2: The Mysterious Island (PG) 1:30, 4:30; Safe House (R) 1:15, 4:15, 6:45, 9:30

Evans Cinemas May 26-27 Chernobyl Diaries (R) 1:10, 3:25, 5:35, 7:45, 10:05; Men in Black III (PG-13) noon, 12:30, 12:45, 1:30, 2:30, 3:15, 3:45, 4:15, 4:30, 5, 5:45, 6:45, 7:30, 8:15, 9:15; Battleship (PG13) 1:15, 4:15, 6:30, 7:15, 9:20, 10:10; What to Expect When You’re Expecting (PG-13) 12:10, 2:40, 5:10, 7:40, 10:10; The Dictator (R)

12:55, 3:05, 5:15, 7:35, 9:55; Dark Shadows (PG-13) 1:45, 4:30, 7:10, 9:45; The Avengers (PG-13) noon, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10; Think Like a Man (PG-13) 12:40, 6:50, 9:40; The Hunger Games (PG-13) 1:25, 7, 10

Regal Exchange 20 May 26-27 Men in Black III (PG-13) 10:40, 11, 11:20, 11:40, noon, 12:20, 1:15, 1:35, 1:55, 2:15, 2:35, 2:55, 3:50, 4:10, 4:30, 4:50, 1:50, 5:30, 6:40, 7, &:20, 7:40, 8, 8:20, 9:15, 9:35, 9:55, 10:15, 10:35, 10:55, 11:50, 12:10, 12:30, 12:50; Chernobyl Diaries (R) 11:50, 2:15, 5, 7:25, 10, 12:20; Battleship (PG-13) noon, 1:10, 2:50, 4:10, 4:40, 5:45, 7:10, 8:40, 10:10, 10:40, 11:45;

What to Expect When You’re Expecting (PG-13) 12:05, 2:40, 5:10, 7:45, 10, 10:20; The Dictator (R) 12:10, 1, 2:45, 3:10, 4:55, 5:25, 7:15, 7:45, 9:25, 9:50, 11:40, 12:05; Dark Shadows (PG-13) 11:10, 2, 4:45, 7:30, 10:30; The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (PG-13) 10:50, 1:45, 4:40, 7:30, 10:25; The Avengers (PG-13) 12:10, 12:25, 1, 1:15, 3:30, 4, 4:20, 4:35, 6:45, 7:05, 7:35, 7:50, 10:05, 10:50, 11:05; Think Like a Man (PG-13) 12:05, 2:50, 5:35, 8:20, 11:05; The Hunger Games (PG-13) 10:40, 1:40, 7:40

3842 Washington Road, Augusta, GA 30907 | 706.868.8616 32 METROSPIRITAUGUSTA’S INDEPENDENT VOICE SINCE 1989

24MAY2012

V23|NO21

GOLD’S GYM

RASHADO’CONNER

CHALLENGE

Name: Nicole Graddick Starting Weight: 191 Weight at Last Weigh In: 177.2 Percentage Lost: 7.22 Current Ranking: 7

UPDATE

Exercise Plan: As far as the actual training goes, it’s actually been going really well. It’s been very intense. Today, I did a workout called the “Insanity,” and that comprises of everything you can think of — it’s extreme cardio — and so I did that for an hour. I plan on continuing to meet with my trainer once this contest is over, but other than that I’ve been continuing to train on my own and exercise on the elliptical every morning around 5:30 a.m. and then I do another hour of cardio on the treadmill. Diet Plan: I’m kind of getting used to healthier trends of eating. This morning, I had a bowl of Special K cereal, as I do every morning, and for lunch I had a turkey salad. Usually, in between lunch, I’ll probably have a Special it’s all about eating whole grain that. I’m eating more whole bread. types of foods regularly so that it I also eat in smaller portions. It’s definitely going to be easier portions] once the competition is over.

Biggest Success: Body-wise, I haven’t seen my body like this in a long time. I want to say my workouts and exercises have been where I’ve had the most success because I never thought that in a million years I would ever look like this; like I did in high school. After I had my kid, I expected to have a little fat here and a little of fat there, but now I’ve actually found a way to get rid of that weight. I’ve begun to push myself to actually build a workout plan and I see results from it and it’s amazing. My mom always tells me, “Oh, my God. I can’t believe you’ve lost all this weight. You look so good.” So, the way my body has changed is just unbelievable.

K bar. Basically, foods, things like I’m eating those comes more at ease. now [to eat in smaller

Contestant to Beat: I think, with the guys, they’ve lost more because they’re a little bit bigger. Out of the females, I can’t remember her name, but there was one girl that lost 15 pounds the first week, which was the most weight lost for that week. So, I told myself “I have to step up a bit,” because she lost a little more than I did that week and she also works out really hard. She’s really into this competition and she’s really into losing that weight, but so am I. Future: I definitely gained a lot from being part of this competition. I have so much energy now. Since I’m a nurse, I’m on my feet 12 hours a day, so this competition has benefited me greatly in that area. And, especially as I get older — because it’s especially hard to lose weight once you get older — all of this will benefit me in the long run.

Biggest Struggle: I suppose eating healthier and exercising would be the biggest struggles I’m facing at the moment. It’s more of a challenge than a struggle. Once I reach the end of my workout I feel like, “Yes, I did something,” so it’s more of a challenge. I don’t really see it as a struggle. I don’t consider the workouts tough anymore because they come at ease. It only makes me feel better about myself once I’m finished.

24MAY2012

AUGUSTA’S INDEPENDENT VOICE SINCE 1989

METROSPIRIT 33

V23|NO21

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

W

W IN G D IL

“Sometimes I think and other times I am,” said French poet Paul Valery. You are now entering an intensely “I am” phase of your long-term cycle — a time when it will be more important for you to exclaim “woohoo!” than to mutter “hmmm;” a time when you’ll generate more good fortune by getting gleefully lost in the curious mystery of the moment than by sitting back and trying to figure out what it all means.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

Don’t pretend you can’t see the darkness. Admit to its presence. Accept its reality. And then walk nonchalantly away from it, refusing to fight it or be afraid of it. Gaze into the abyss so as to educate yourself about its nature, but don’t get stuck there or become entranced by its supposedly hypnotic power. You’ll be amazed at how much safety and security you can generate for yourself simply by being an objective, poised observer free of melodramatic reactions.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)

It’s okay if you want to keep the lion as your symbolic animal, but I’m proposing that you switch over to the tiger, at least for now. People who work with big cats say that lions tend to be obnoxious and grouchy, whereas tigers are more affable and easy to get along with. Be like the tiger and you will have an enhanced power to cultivate friendships and influence people. Networking opportunities will be excellent. Your web of connections should expand. By the way, even though lions are called kings of the jungle, tigers are generally bigger, more muscular and better fighters.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

In 1977, the first Apple computers were built in a garage that Steve Jobs’ father provided for his son and Steve Wozniak to work in. Think about setting up your own version of that magic place sometime soon: a basement, kitchen, garage, warehouse or corner of your bedroom that will be the spot where you finetune your master plan for the coming years — and maybe even where you begin working in earnest on a labor of love that will change everything for the better.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

THIS WEEK 5.23 - PATTERSON & NALE 5.24 - SHE N SHE 5.25 - TOYZZ 5.26 - PLAYBACK THE BAND 5.27 - BRANDON HOOKER DUO 34

3035 Washington Rd. • 706-364-WILD (9453) www.wildwingcafe.com METROSPIRIT AUGUSTA’S INDEPENDENT VOICE SINCE 1989

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Please raise your hand if you have ever sought out a romantic connection with someone mostly because of the way he or she looked. Don’t indulge in this behavior any time soon. It’s crucial for you to base your decisions on deeper understandings — not just in regards to potential partners and lovers, but for everything. As you evaluate your options, don’t allow physical appearance and superficial attractiveness to be the dominant factors.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

The 21st flight of the 4.5-billion-pound Space Shuttle Discovery was supposed to happen on June 8, 1995. But about a week before its scheduled departure, workers discovered an unforeseen problem. Northern Flicker Woodpeckers had made a mess of the insulation on the outer fuel tank; they’d pecked a couple of hundred holes, some quite deep. To allow for necessary repairs, launch was postponed for over a month. Don’t ignore a seemingly tiny adversary or trivial obstacle. Take that almost-insignificant pest seriously.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Dancing increases your intelligence says a report in the New England Journal of Medicine. Unfortunately, research found that swimming, bicycling and playing golf are not at all effective in rewiring the brain’s neural pathways. Doing crossword puzzles is somewhat helpful, though, and so is reading books. Lucky you: This is a phase of your astrological cycle when you’re likely to have more impulses and opportunities to dance. Take advantage! Get smarter.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)

Your animal totem for the next phase of your astrological cycle is a creature called a hero shrew. Of all the mammals in the world, it has the strongest and heaviest spine proportionate to its size. This exceptional attribute makes the tiny animal so robust that a person could stand on it without causing serious harm. You will need to have a backbone like that in the coming weeks. Luckily, the universe will be conspiring to help you. Stand up to the full weight of the pressures coming to bear on you — and do it with exceptional charisma.

Do your best to avoid getting enmeshed in any sort of “he said/she said” controversy. (Of course it could be a “he said/he said” or “she said/she said” or “trans said/intersex said” brouhaha.) Gossip is not your friend in the week ahead. Trying to serve as a mediator is not your strong suit. Becoming embroiled in personal disputes is not your destiny. Soar free of all the chatter and clatter. It’s time for you to seek out big pictures and vast perspectives. Where you belong is meditating on a mountaintop, flying in your dreams and charging up your psychic batteries in a sanctuary that’s both soothing and thrilling.

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

In some Australian aborigine cultures, a newborn infant gets two names from the tribal elders. The first is the name everybody knows. The second is sacred and kept secret. Even the child isn’t told. Only when he or she comes of age and is initiated into adulthood is it revealed. You’re currently navigating your way through a rite of passage that would make you eligible to receive your sacred, secret name. When you’ve completed your transformation, pick a new name and use it only when you’re conversing with your ancestors, teachers or yourself.

“My soul is a fire that suffers if it doesn’t burn,” said Jean Prevost, a writer and hero of the French Resistance during World War II. “I need three or four cubic feet of new ideas every day, as a steamboat needs coal.” Your soul may not be quite as blazing as his and you may normally be able to get along fine with just a few cubic inches of new ideas per day, but in the next three to four weeks, you will both need and yearn to generate Prevosttype levels of heat and light. Make sure you’re getting a steady supply of the necessary fuel. Here’s a great question to pose on a regular basis during the next three weeks: “What’s the best use of my time right now?” Whenever you ask, be sure to answer with an open mind. Don’t assume that the correct response is always, “working with white-hot intensity on churning out the masterpiece that will fulfill my dreams and cement my legacy.” On some occasions, the best use of your time may be doing the laundry or sitting quietly and doing nothing more than watching the world go by. Here’s a reminder from philosopher Jonathan Zap: “Meaning and purpose are not merely to be found in the glamorous, dramatic moments of life.”

ROBBREZSNY FREEWILLASTROLOGY@FREEWILLASTROLOGY.COM 24MAY2012

V23|NO21

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T O D

24MAY2012

AUGUSTA’S INDEPENDENT VOICE SINCE 1989

METROSPIRIT 35

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Make a Difference in Your Life‌ Adopt a Homeless Canine! CSRA Happy Tails Rescue volunteers work tirelessly to help homeless dogs and cats in our community and beyond! Please check out our website at csrahappytails.com for information on how to adopt one of our rescues. Adoption fees: Canine: $120 (includes vaccines, sterilization and microchip with registration) Feline: $85 (includes vaccines and sterilization) Special Feline Promotion until May 31 for adult kitties: $50 Visit us every weekend at one of our adoption locations: Tractor Supply Co. next to Sams Club on Bobby Jones Expressway Petco at Mullins Crossing next to Lazy Boy and Marshalls Saturdays, 11 a.m.-4 p.m. and Sundays, 1-4 p.m.

Baby Ruth, 2 years old White face/Brindle Basset mix

Toto, 3 years old Schoodle, Very affectionate

River, 10 months old, White Lab Was abandoned at Lake Thurmond Dam

Ripples, 10 months old, German Shepherd Was abandoned at Lake Thurmond Dam

Nutmeg, 1 year old Sharpei mix who is very social and friendly

Chester, 10 months old Husky mix who loves everybody

Raleigh, 2 years old Rat Terrier who is mellow and sweet

Kira, 14 months old Husky mix who is active and playful

Chloe, 10 months old Special light brindle coat on this affectionate pup

Pepper, 1 year old, Sharpei mix Active and loves to play

CoCo, 2.5 years old Basset mix, A playful, social girl

Penny, 2 years old Hound mix, An affectionate, social girl

Copper, 2.5 years old, Walker hound mix Handsome boy needs patient family

Dixie, 5 years old, Terrier Mix In need of a calm, mature home.

36 METROSPIRITAUGUSTA’S INDEPENDENT VOICE SINCE 1989

24MAY2012

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ON THE BALL

Operation Pending Decision for New Year’s Day bowl reveals writing on the wall for ACC It should come as no surprise that the ACC is feeling pretty left out after learning that the Big 12 and SEC struck up a partnership for a New Year’s Day bowl game last week. The news — overwhelmingly I might add — replaced the previous headline story, “ACC Nets $17 Million Per Team In ESPN Deal,” and tossed it to the trash heap. ACC Remains Suspect At first it appeared that there would be new life with Pitt and Syracuse coming on board from the decimated Big East Conference, who also lost West Virginia to the Big 12 and parted ways with their commissioner through a “mutual agreement.” While things in the football category certainly weren’t on the up and up, they still had some nationally recognizable teams in decent media markets. But with things collapsing on the eastern seaboard for the Big East, there was still a feeling of adequacy within the ACC, and why shouldn’t there have been? Athletic departments as a whole are in good shape. And have you seen the quality of basketball in the ACC? What about March Madness? Truth is, and I know I’m not breaking news here, but none of that matters. Not one bit. The name of the game now is to be a part of the most notable conference possible so that the split of TV contract money can be used to sustain the overall health of the school. We’re talking Title IX, athletic department wish lists and, if possible, throwing some bones to save some English major from becoming extinct if possible. Even the presidents are all-in on football, finally seeing the dramatic effects the gridiron has on the bottom line during a dwindling economy. And what’s worse for the ACC is that their top football teams (Florida State, Virginia Tech and Clemson) are already making noise about not being happy with the conference’s current standing or TV deal. While adding Pitt and Syracuse certainly helps, those teams feel they can have a greater impact somewhere else. Especially if they turn it into a package deal. It will remind many of when Oklahoma, Texas and Texas A&M were threatening to head elsewhere, with Texas A&M being the only team that left and joined the SEC. But for such national powerhouses, that sort of combination would not work in the original framework. But the chance of a Chinese fire drill happening with the ACC… well, that’s easier to wrap our heads around.

The Big 12-SEC bowl game could also help usher in a unique partnership between the two conferences, and not just in regards to the Rose Bowl type bowl game, but also serving as the de facto “Pigskin” conference — yes, I came up with that all by myself. Instead of just seeing conferences grow in number of teams and reducing the split of the pie from the TV contracts, conferences could schedule teams from certain conferences with higher viewership in order to make money that way. Explanation: Instead of UGA struggling to sell tickets to a Buffalo-type game that no one cares about, how about a more intriguing matchup against teams like Oklahoma State, Baylor, etc., on a yearly basis? This would eliminate the gimme games that teams schedule each year so the players can regroup and everyone else can aid the booster club in getting the boosters hammered enough to donate generously. Football in the south is just NFL Light anyways. TV contracts could be renegotiated around this premise so then all would benefit from the newfound surplus, and that’s what the ACC has to fear the most. When their universities propose 5-10-year fiscal projections, would you want to miss out on the move that could potentially make or break you as an athletic department? The teams with the most cache built up over past decades are rattling the cages, anxious to create the best situation for their employers like any right-minded, check-cashing person would do. The landscape of college football is now ever-changing, even on a year-to-year basis. Many schools have made or executed their plans. The ACC however has not. They’re next.

MATTLANE is host of The Weekend Rundown which airs from 10 a.m.-noon Saturdays on News-Talk-Sports 1630 AM. He can be reached at mattlane28@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter @Mattlane28.

make a real connection Call Livelinks. The hottest place to meet the coolest people.

706.434.0108 24MAY2012

Local Numbers: 1.800.926.6000 Ahora en Español 18+ www.livelinks.com

AUGUSTA’S INDEPENDENT VOICE SINCE 1989

METROSPIRIT 37

WHINE

LINE 2,000 times with the same woman. Someone give me a good conduct medal.

There’s a new kind of discrimination sweeping the CSRA over the past couple of years. That discrimination holds back those with talent and intelligence. Let’s combine the two and create the portmanteau henceforth known as “talligence”. I hope you don’t have any talent and I hope you don’t have any intelligence because you will be discriminated against if you have “talligence”. Sic ‘em Lori!! I grew up in Augusta but am now living in Germany because of my job. I enjoy keeping up with what’s going on in my hometown, but I am saddened to see that not much has changed. The local politics seem to be as backward as I remember, maybe worse. Will things ever change? I was thinking of moving back one day, but now I am not so sure. Thunder Over Augusta is no longer held in Augusta. It should be called Thunder Over Evans. That, and with the advent of the Lady A Amphitheater, Augusta/Richmond better grab a pair compete more strongly or they will lose more events to our Columbia County neighbors. I have to say that Austin Rhodes’ columns in The Spirit have gotten much better. In fact they are “Austintatious”! The problem with Augusta is that there aren’t any smart women in its government. It’s all men who can’t even read what they are voting on. It would be great to have someone like Bonnie Ruben on the commission. She is brilliant and knows what is really going on in this town. Metro Spirit, you’ve lost your flavor. I used to think of you as an urban, underground style newspaper. You have gone all Columbia county on us! What happened to Tom Tomorrow? Did you remove it to appease your right wing Columbia county advertisers? And why are you using such small text? augusta is a hell of a town! i loove augusta. but entertainment pretty much suks here. what do we need to do to get more events and things to do? why not turn regency mall into a aquarium park like in atlanta or a zoo like in columbia? we need something to draw people here besides the masters. I think Austin Rhodes should give himself more credit for things.

DECLASSIFIED

Are you people with SOA sure that you have the right architectural firm for the job of refurbing the Miller Theater? Just asking because the firm that has the job is the same one that oversaw the building of the 4th street jail

Have something you want to get off your chest? Send your whines to whineline@themetrospirit. com. If you do so by noon on Friday, you might just see it in the next Thursday’s issue. Oh, and whines may be edited for content but will pretty much be printed exactly as you type them.

We hear at the Metro Spirit love a good fake news story, whether it be courtesy of The Onion, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert or anyone else who happens to get in on the act. And while hollywoodandswine.com doesn’t come close to matching The Onion’s often pointed and smart commentary on our crazy world, it’s still nice to see that someone is taking the entertainment industry to task for some of its more serious offenses. Recent headlines, including “Three Dozen Fans Mourn as Kate Hudson’s Career Is Taken Off Life Support” and “After Discovering the Kardashians, Chinese Dissident Pleads Not to Be Sent to the U.S.,” had us cackling… they’re funny because they’re true (or, at least, they could be)! But what we’re most looking forward to is posting one of their stories on Facebook to see who in the comments section thinks it’s real.

WERECOMMEND

building. We all know what has happened to it. Problems so big it had to be abandoned and will be raised as soon as posible. Just Sayin. Somebody needs to investigate the choices you have made.

the cumulative IQ of the body would triple. If you want someone to keep an eye on how our tax dollars are being spent, there’s no better person for the job than Bonnie.

Why does Augusta “suck”? I submit: Lady Antebellum, Jo Dee Messina, and Yanni. Yanni? Seriously, c’mon man! When are Lawrence Welk, Liberace, and Zamfir - the master of the pan flute - going to show up? Where’s Boxcar Willie? I’ll slide down a slippery slide of razor blades into a pool of alcohol filled with flesh-eating piranha before I listen to that crap!

“Where were you last Pluterday?” Sure do miss you a lot RJ.

the boss hog cook out out in waynesboro this past saturday was great! everything but the cut rate sound company that is. the young man doing it was in over his head and rude to boot! hope they hire pros next year and that young man gets some good ole southern manners! The average pay of the top 10 U.S. CEO’s in 2011 was $52.13 million dollars. In 1980, CEO pay was 42 times that of the average worker. In 2011, CEO pay was 380 times that of the average worker. What part of the “corporate greed” picture don’t you understand? If you are at a drive thru restaurant and have a large order or take longer than 30 seconds to think about what you want, please go inside to place your order. It is called common courtesy, something most people of Augusta lack. You could use the extra exercise anyways. Hey Metro Spirit, can you run lists of places that want to build up their compost piles with food scraps? We can help save the landfill some more. Go, Lori, go! Don’t stop no matter how many idiots talk against you. Plenty of us need and appreciate your good work in saving Harrisburg and criticizing the lack of funding for police, etc. Please keep helping us!

It’s no wonder the local music scene is going downhill. There are too many bands who play way too often in town. If your band is playing downtown 3 weekends in a row then you are part of the problem. If your venue keeps having the same 5 bands in there every month then you are part of the problem. If you are a lazy booking person and you don’t respond to emails or calls then you are part of the problem. You want your band to stand out in Augusta? Hang posters, promote hard, and leave town every now and then. Well judging from some of the whines last week some people must feel mighty threatened by Lori Davis. So standing up against government waste, corruption and the good-ole-boy network that profits from it makes you a loudmouth? Seems to me these folks just fear a strong woman on the commission who won’t put up with their nonsense anymore. And it’s no surprise the “good-ole-boys” have resorted to subtly misogynist personal attacks; it just shows how desperate they are to cling on to power. What is that fetid, primordial gas exuding from the La Brea tar pits of Austin’s brain this week? The poor “controlling all elections” while paying little or no federal income tax, so should they pay a poll tax, is that it? The inequity is to be found in the way it bequeaths upon the wealthiest individuals and corporations needless tax breaks and ever lowering tax rates, allowing them to rain money on lobbyists who in turn forward it to the accepting memebers of Congress to craft laws favorable to them. Stop blaming the poor for the ills of the country!

I’d like to see Bonnie Ruben on the Augusta Commission. With her on there

All Yard Work

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38 METROSPIRITAUGUSTA’S INDEPENDENT VOICE SINCE 1989

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WHINELINE@THEMETROSPIRIT.COM

706.284.5926

(actual size) 1.5” x 1.9” Tall $40 per week 24MAY2012


Metro Spirit 05.24.2012