COMMENT | SATIRE
Coke Leaves Bad Taste T BY ANDY BOROWITZ
he Coca-Cola Company ignited a firestorm of controversy on Sunday with a Super Bowl ad that appeared to make the inflammatory claim that other languages besides English exist. From coast to coast, viewers reacted with outrage and horror to what many were calling the most incendiary Super Bowl ad in history. “I was enjoying the Super Bowl with my family, and suddenly, out of nowhere, comes this ad suggesting that there are other languages that aren’t English,” said Carol Foyler, a mother of three from Akron, Ohio. “I grabbed the remote and turned it off. My kids shouldn’t be exposed to garbage that’s just going to confuse them.” The Alliance for Responsible Advertising, a conservative watchdog group that monitors advertising it considers offensive and unfit for family viewing, issued a statement demanding that Coke apologize for the controversial ad and promise never to air it again.
“Last night, Coke assaulted millions of Americans with its misguided and inappropriate view that other languages exist,” the statement said. “In the future, we strongly hope that Coke will keep its crazy theories to itself.” Elsewhere, responding to fresh charges that he knew about the controversial lane closures on the George Washington Bridge last fall, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie today asked for the public’s patience while he makes up a new story. “All I ask,” he told reporters at a hastily called press conference, “is that the people of the great state of New Jersey give me sufficient time to invent a new story that explains my way out of this.” n For more fake news from Andy Borowitz, visit borowitzreport.com.
COMMENT | THE NSA
Stop the Spying P BY JIM HIGHTOWER
resident Obama’s support for the NSA’s domestic spying program prompted a critic to say: “Given the unique power of the state, it is not enough for leaders to say: ‘Trust us, we won’t abuse the data we collect.’” Oh wait, that wasn’t a critic speaking — it was Obama himself! He was trying to shush critics by insisting that the threadbare slipcover of reforms he was throwing over the massive spy machine should satisfy us that all is well, so please, people, just go back to sleep. Less than a week later, however, a blaring alarm went off in Washington, shattering any drowsiness that Obama had hoped to induce. The alert came from a small, littleknown federal agency called the Privacy and Civil Liberties Oversight Board, set up by Congress back in 2007 to be an independent monitor of the spook establishment’s privacy infringements. In a stunningly blunt, 238-page report, the five-member panel of legal experts concluded that NSA’s bulk data collection is illegal, probably unconstitutional under the First and Fourth Amendments, a serious, ongoing threat to
Americans’ privacy and liberties — and essentially useless at stopping terrorist acts. “As a result,” wrote the board’s majority, “the board recommends that the government end the program.” Especially telling is the finding that NSA’s invasive phone sweeps are an ineffectual anti-terrorism tool. The agency and its apologists keep claiming — without any proof — that total vacuuming of domestic communications is necessary to prevent the next 9/11 attack. But the privacy panel did an in-depth analysis of this repeated assertion, and wrote: “We have not identified a single instance involving a threat to the United States in which the telephone records program made a concrete difference.” To get the whole report, go to pclob.gov. n For more from America’s populist, check out jimhightower.com.
FEBRUARY 6, 2014 INLANDER 11