COMMENT | SATIRE
The Hearings Go On A BY ANDY BOROWITZ
deep divide has emerged among Republicans over whether to waste Congress’ time investigating Benghazi talking points or repealing Obamacare, GOP lawmakers confirmed this week. House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.), sounded the first discordant note at a briefing, telling reporters, “The time for wasting day after day investigating Benghazi is over. The American people are counting on us to waste our time repealing Obamacare yet again.” Warning that “the American people don’t have an endless appetite for meaningless political theater,” Cantor added, “If we’re going to do something that’s purely symbolic and detached from reality, I say it should be repealing Obamacare for the 30th or 40th time.” Rep. Cantor’s comments drew a strong rebuke from Darrell Issa (R-Calif.), who has spearheaded the investigation into Benghazi: “Quite frankly, we have all the time
in the world to blow repealing Obamacare. The moment to waste our time investigating Benghazi is now.” Noting that previous attempts to repeal Obamacare had cost approximately $50 million, Issa said, “I think we’re entitled to spend at least that much, if not more, investigating Benghazi again and again and again.” Elsewhere, GOP lawmakers planned more hearings on, in the words of Issa, “Hillary Clinton’s high poll numbers and what can be done to make them lower. “With the help of Fox News, we have brutally attacked Hillary Clinton for months, and yet she remains more popular than ever,” Issa added. n For more fake news from Andy Borowitz, visit borowitzreport.com.
COMMENT | LABOR
The On-Call Economy S BY JIM HIGHTOWER
tep right up, folks, and take your chances in the Amazing New American Workplace. Constantly high unemployment! Low wages always! No employee bargaining power! A corporate paradise! This paradise has enriched the already rich investor elite and rewarded top executives with multimillion-dollar pay packages. It also lets corporations treat the masses of people in today’s workforce like Kleenex: Just use ‘em and toss ‘em — after all, they’re cheap, plentiful… and disposable. Indeed, taskmasters-in-suits have now redefined the term “hired” to mean that you’re tethered to a corporation full-time, but you actually work and get paid for only the few hours a week when the boss calls. This nefarious practice, known as “on-call shifts,” is all the rage among national retail chains. Such giants as Abercrombie & Fitch, Gap, and Urban Outfitters require employees to work without set schedules and to be available to have their strings yanked at any time, day or night, even on weekends, with as little as two hours’ notice. Likewise,
if customer traffic in a store is slow, retail workers who got dressed up, battled the morning commute, and reported on time, can simply be sent away after an hour or so — with no pay for their lost hours. A recent survey of some 400 retail employees in New York City found that only 17 percent have a set schedule. Those with no set hours also have no set income — and no life. If you’re at the beck and call of the boss, what do you do with your children, how do you make a doctor’s appointment, what if you’re taking a class or trying to work a second job? This shameful “on-call” practice says that the corporation owns you and that abuse of workers is a legitimate business practice in America. To help stop it, contact the Retail Action Project at retailactionproject. org. n For more from America’s populist, check out jimhightower.com.
MAY 16, 2013 INLANDER 11