relationships
Advice Goddess Ex-Rated Movie
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year. We were best friends and talked about everything — what our kids would be like, projects we’d do together, magical worlds, and even other people we found attractive. Then, on his computer, I accidentally clicked on what I thought was just some porn video, but I recognized his blanket and realized it was he and his ex-girlfriend having sex (when they were dating). I had a very hard time seeing him with amy alkon someone else and have become very sensitive and jealous, and this has set our relationship on edge. We don’t talk as we used to. So many areas have become off-limits (even just whom he had lunch with) because he’s so afraid that anything he says will upset or hurt me. I want to communicate as we used to when I was his “cool girlfriend.” —Shut Out Katharine Hepburn could have made a sex tape without anyone ever knowing, because after the 8 mm film got transferred to video, her image would have been hard to discern from that of Ernest Borgnine, Sasquatch, or Yogi Bear. Thanks to technological advances, whenever some dermatologist in Idaho clicks up Kim Kardashian’s sex tape, her agent probably gets a call telling him she’s got some 2 mm birthmark that needs looking at. As distressing as it is that you could probably pick your boyfriend’s ex out of a lineup — one from the waist down — it’s not like you found footage of him clubbing squirrels. You just got unfortunate visual confirmation of what you already knew: He had a girlfriend before you. They did more than spoon. Jealousy is a good thing when it rears its little green head to warn of an actual threat to the relationship: “Eeek! He’s having sex with another woman…” But jealousy needs a slap in the mouth from reason when there is no real threat: “…and it happened a year before we’d even met.” To help yourself think rationally, don’t be nebulously hysterical (“I’m afraaaaid!”). Verbalize exactly what you’re actually afraid of — probably that he’d leave you, maybe for his ex. Next, consider what would happen if he actually did. The world would not end. Your head would not fall off, roll under the bed, and become a cat toy. You’d probably sob into your pillow for a few months, but you’d eventually get over him and get on with your life. To get back the relationship you had, start acting as if you’d never lost it — meaning, when your boyfriend asks you the time, you just tell him; you don’t shriek that all you can see is that clock on the nightstand in his sex video. There’s a good deal of research, laid out by psychologist Dr. Richard Wiseman in “The As If Principle,” that suggests that changing how you behave is actually the fastest, most effective way to change how you feel. Let your boyfriend know that you know your fears aren’t rational, that you’re going to stop acting like they are, and that he, in turn, needs to stop treating you like a bomb that could be triggered by “pass the salt.” Before long, you should be his cool girlfriend again — faster, probably, if that blanket from the video finds its way to some homeless man. Ideally, he should be one who isn’t in your neighborhood, lest your response to “Spare change?” be “You whore!”
Jest Not That Into You
Women always say they like a man with a good sense of humor. What exactly does that mean? I think I’m funny. Do I have to bust right out with a bunch of hilarity on —A Guy the first date?
If a woman agrees to go out with you, it isn’t so she can finally find out why the chicken crossed the road. She either wants a free dinner or wants to figure out whether you’re worth seeing again. You’re unlikely to score a second date by pelting her with jokes and one-liners, which suggests you prepared for the evening by memorizing the joke book on the back of the toilet. What impresses a woman are shows of wit — spontaneous expressions of humor in response to something she says or something around you. Wit reflects intelligence while communicating your worldview — telling her who you are far more interestingly than droning on about your major and your dream to someday get your boss to assign you a better parking space. That said, don’t get so caught up in making her laugh that you forget that connecting with her is the point. Make her feel like a one-woman audience for your “act” and she’ll figure out for herself why the chicken crossed the road. (Because it would rather be hit by car than listen to another one of your jokes.) n ©2013, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. • Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405 or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com)
56 INLANDER MARCH 14, 2013
events | calendar
Comedy
Living Room Improvised live comedy based on audience suggestions. Fridays through March 29 at 8 pm. $7-$9. Blue Door Theatre, 815 W. Garland Ave. bluedoortheatre.com (747-7045) Marc Yaffee Live comedy show. March 15-16 at 8 pm. $12. Uncle D’s Comedy Underground, 2721 N. Market St. (483-7300) Safari Short-form improv games based on audience suggestions. Saturdays through March 30 at 9 pm. $7. Blue Door Theatre, 815 W. Garland Ave. bluedoortheatre.com (747-7045) Tracy Morgan “Excuse my French” live comedy show by the star of “30 Rock” and “Saturday Night Live.” March 29 at 7:30 pm. $45-$55. Mature audiences. Martin Woldson Theater at The Fox, 1001 W. Sprague. (624-1200)
Community
Feed the Neighborhood Free meals provided every Thursday from 4-6 pm. Free. (Volunteers also needed to cook meals) 7th and Catherine Ave., Post Falls, Idaho. (208-661-5166) Easter Bunny’s Arrival Celebrate the arrival of spring with the Easter Bunny. March 15 from 11 am-8 pm. Take a photo with the Easter Bunny through March 30. Times vary. River Park Square atrium, 808 W. Main Ave. riverparksquare.com (456-3413) Spokane Valley Birthday Party Celebrate the city’s 10th anniversary with cake, a carnival, games, historical presentations, live entertainment, craft fair and more. March 16 from 10 am-3 pm. Free. CenterPlace, 2426 N. Discovery Pl. (720-5411) Unity’s 100th Anniversary Gala An evening featuring keynote speakers, music, presentations, dinner and more. March 16 at 4:30. $35 for dinner. Unity Spiritual Center, 2900 S. Bernard St. unityspokane.org (838-6518) Third District Town Hall Sen. Andy Billig, Rep. Timm Ormsby and Rep. Marcus Riccelli will hold two town hall meetings to hear from constituents and answer questions. March 16. Shadle Park High School, 4327 N. Ash, from 10 am-noon. Emmanuel Family Life Center, 631 S. Richard Allen Ct., from 2-4 pm. Free. (360-786-7604) Youth Camp Fundraiser Western barbeque dinner, auction and more to benefit youth camps and activities. March 16 from 4:30-8:30 pm. $10. Spokane Valley United Methodist Church, 115 N. Raymond Rd. (893-1593) St. Patrick’s Day Parade 35th annual parade through downtown Spokane featuring entertainment and more, hosted by the Friendly Sons of St. Patrick. Donations will be collected for Second Harvest Food Bank. March 16 at noon. Downtown Spokane. FriendlySonsofStPatrick.com (880-2785) St. Paddy’s Day Celebration Traditional Irish dinner and music by local band Potatohead with performances by traditional Irish dancers. March 17 starting at 5 pm. $7-$16. Palouse Community Center, 220 E. Main St, Palouse, Wash. (878-1701) Volunteer Info Session Learn about the volunteer opportunities with Catholic Charities. March 19 from 10-11:15 am. Free. Catholic Charities Family Services Center, 12 E. Fifth Ave.
ccspokane.org (358-4270) Peace & Economic Justice Action Conference 4th annual conference featuring skill-building, activist training, workshops and more. Keynote speaker s Allison Cook of the “Story of Stuff” project. March 15-16. Opening reception Fri from 5:30-8:30 pm (free), Conference Sat from 8 am-5:30 pm, $15-$40. Unitarian Universalist, 4340 W. Fort George Wright Dr. peacejustice.org (838-7870) Health Forum Spokane Public Radio and City Cable 5 will present facts and myths surrounding the Affordable Healthcare Act, known as ObamaCare. March 19 from 6:30-8:30 pm. Free and open to all. Spokane City Hall, 808 W. Spokane Falls Blvd. (328-5729)
Etc.
A Course in Miracles Theological study group. Thursdays at 7 pm. Love Your Life Center, 1111 E. Sherman Ave. Coeur d’Alene. (208-777-1996) Country Swing Lessons Learn country-style swing dancing with The Swinging Boots. Thursdays from 7-9 pm. $5. The Roadhouse Country Rock Bar, 20 N. Raymond Rd. (413-1894) Argentine Tango Lessons Lessons for newcomers are free on Monday and Thursdays at 6 pm. Club Corazon, 2117 E. 37th Ave. (688-4587)
weekend countdown
Get the scoop on this weekend’s events with our newsletter. Visit Inlander.com/newsletter to sign up.
Computer Sale Fundraiser Computers, laptops, monitors and other equipment and electronics will be sold to benefit Ambassadors Scholarship Foundation. March 15-17. $5-$100. All computers approx. 5 years old, have been wiped clean. River Park Square, Second Floor, 808 W. Main Ave. ambassadorsgiving.org (568-7509) INW Motorcycle Show Vendors, displays, stunt show, prizes and more. March 15-17. Fri from 3-8 pm, Sat from 10 am-8 pm, Sun from 10 am-4 pm. $10. Spokane Fair & Expo Center, 404 N. Havana St. (466-4256) TEDxSpokane Inspirational talks by local and national speakers. March 16 from 9 am-4 pm. $40. St. George’s School, 2929 W. Waikiki Rd. tedxspokane.com (jamie.tender@sgs.org) Spring Bazaar Crafts, vendors, and more. March 16 from 9 am-4 pm. Free admission. Woman’s Club of Spokane, 1428 W. Ninth Ave. womansclubspokane.org (838-5667) Magical Mystical Tour “Messages from the Angels and Your Loved Ones” spiritual event with psychic readings and more. March 16 from 10 am-5 pm. $45. Spokane Valley private residence. For more information call 924-6204. Historical Combat Reenactment Practice Practices open to those interested in learning and performing stage fights based on techniques in the medieval period. Saturdays through March 30 from 10 am-noon. Free. Spokane Valley Partners, 10814 E. Broadway Ave. (993-0253) Social Swing Dance Social dance including a one-hour lesson on blues dancing. March 17 from 6-10 pm; les-
son from 6-7 pm. $5-$8. German American Society Hall, 25 W. Third Ave. (954-2158) Move Your Money BALLE webinar series presentation on partnering with local banks and credit unions. March 19 from 4-5 pm. Free. Sun People Dry Goods Co., 32 W. Second Ave. sunpeopledrygoods.com (368-9378) Five Minutes of Fame Open mic night for prose, poetry, music or comedy. March 20 (third Wednesday of every month) at 6:30 pm. Café Bodega, 504 Oak, Sandpoint (208-263-5911) Inspiring Design Futures Symposium presented by the College of Art and Architecture. March 20 from 8:30 am-7 pm. Free and open to the public. University of Idaho, SUB, 709 Deakin Ave., Moscow. (208-885-7521)
Film
Grass Routes Documentary screening hosted by the Friends of Scotchman Peaks Wilderness. March 14 at 7 pm. Panida Theater, 300 N. First Ave., Sandpoint. (208-263-9191) Saint Patrick Irish Legend Screening of the biographical film on St. Patrick, starring Patrick Bergin. March 15 at 7 pm. Free. Lidgerwood Presbyterian, 4449 N. Nevada St. (487-9667) Sci-Fi Spectacular Screening of the film “Back to the Future” with a discussion to follow on the movie with Mobius science and film experts, with admission to Mobius Science Center included. March 16 at 10 am. $15 (includes museum admission). Bing Crosby Theater, 901 W. Sprague Ave. (227-7638) Back to the Future Screening of the sci-fi film. March 16 at 7 pm. $5. Bing Crosby Theater, 901 W. Sprague Ave. bingcrosbytheater.com (227-7638) Reel Movies for Reel Needs Families with special needs children are invited to see a movie as part of a new program designed to better accommodate such children. Movies shown the first and third Sundays in March and April (March 17 and April 7 and 21) at 11 am. $6/adults; kids under 14 free. The Kenworthy, 508 S. Main St. (208882-4127) Producing Video Learn the basics of getting a video ready for broadcast during a two-hour class. March 19 at 3 pm. $20/class session. CommunityMinded Enterprises, 25 W. Main Ave. (209-2632) The Neverending Story Screening of the fantasy film. March 19-20 at 7 pm. $5. Bing Crosby Theater, 901 W. Sprague Ave. (227-7638) Bitter Seeds Documentary screening as part of the Moscow Food Co-op’s “Food for Thought” series. March 20 at 7 pm. $4-$6. The Kenworthy, 508 S. Main St., Moscow. (208-882-8537) Silver Linings Playbook Screening of the Oscar-nominated film. March 2123 at 7:30 pm. $6-$7. Panida, 300 N. First, Sandpoint. (208-263-9191) Growth Busters Screening of the film on shifting to a sustainable consumer/living model. March 21 at 4 pm. Free. Sun People Dry Goods Co., 32 W. Second Ave. (368-9378) Lunafest Screenings of films in the nationally touring festival of short fims by, for and about women. March 21 at 7:30 pm. $3-$15. The Kenworthy, 508 S. Main St., Moscow. (208-885-2777)