comment | satire
Tipping His Hand C by andy borowitz
ongressional Republicans heaped fulsome praise on President Obama’s second inaugural address earlier this week, saying that it had given them a detailed list of things to thwart over the next four years. “My big fear was that the speech would be full of vague platitudes that wouldn’t be helpful to us in plotting against him,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio). “Once he started offering details of what he actually hoped to accomplish, though, I realized we had hit the mother lode.” Speaker Boehner praised the president for citing such specifics as hiring math and science teachers, building roads and reducing health care costs: “Now that we know that’s what he’s got in mind for his second term, we can hit the ground running to stop him.” “My takeaway from the speech was, if we work hard enough, there’s nothing we can’t keep him
from doing,” he said. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) praised Mr. Obama for injecting humor into a usually somber address: “I loved that joke about ending political name-calling.” Elsewhere, Fox News Channel announced Sunday night that it would shut down for what it called “routine maintenance” Monday morning at 11:30 E.T. Fox News President Roger Ailes explained the timing of the shutdown, which was the first in the history of the network: “We wanted to pick a time when we were positive nothing would be happening that our viewers would want to see.” n For more fake news from Andy Borowitz, visit borowitzreport.com.
comment | HOMELAND SECURITY
Here Come the Drones by jim hightower
L
ast year, Sheriff Tommy Gage of Montgomery County, Texas, was eager to show off his new surveillance toy. Having been given a $300,000 Homeland Security grant by the federal government, his office had become the first police agency in the nation to have its very own drone, a pilotless aircraft to monitor and, yes, spy on people. This beauty came with the deluxe eye-in-the-sky package, including infrared detection equipment and a power zoom camera. Filled with pride, the sheriff summoned the media to a big photo op last March to witness him and the drone strutting their stuff. To add drama to this show of police power, Gage also had his SWAT team attend in full riot regalia, positioning them in their “Bearcat,” an armored vehicle. The ground controller launched the pilotless aircraft as the sheriff beamed — but the demonstration went horribly wrong. Coming in for a landing, the high-tech marvel suddenly went on the fritz, losing contact with the controller. Not only did it crash in front of the startled media — but, even more startling
to Sheriff Gage, it crashed right into his SWAT squad’s Bearcat. Luckily, the armored vehicle held up, so none of the SWAT teamers were injured. But what a show! For one thing, the photo op showed that if the American people don’t stop the reckless rush by the police-industry complex to deploy thousands of domestic drones in the next few years, all of us had better be shopping for Bearcats to drive. Oh, in case you’re also concerned that these spy machines will crash into our Constitution and be used to invade our privacy rights, Sheriff Gage says not to worry. “No matter what we do in law enforcement, somebody’s going to question it,” grumps the Lone Star sheriff, “but we’re going to do the right thing, and I can assure you of that.” Hmmm… how assured does that make you feel? n For more from America’s populist, check out jimhightower.com.
JANUARY 24, 2013 INLANDER 11