"KRAUTROCK KILLED MY FISCAL MOJO"
L A C S RA
THE
GEORGE OSBORNE IN SHOCK REVELATION! pg. 130,888.63
http://edinburghrascal.tumblr.com/
MASTER OF MIRTH
FELLED BY FORK Polar bear attacks skyrocket as Koi Carp stocks collapse
* Jacob doesn't find this offensive. Neither do we. If you do, you're probably Aaron Porter.
By FLAT STANLEY
Magnificent VPS hopeful Jacob 'Kosher' Bloomfield* was brutally robbed at fork-point in the recent election battle. Experts now fear vicious polar bear attacks will wreak havoc across Edinburgh.
"Faulking hell!" Philippa Faulkner swept to victory on a tide of rampant anti-Koi sentiment in an epic contest that historians have already dubbed the ‘Faulklands War’. Bloomfield promised Koi Carp for all and peace of mind from terrifying attacks by bears. These plans have now been struck dead by
Faulkner’s ludicrous proposals of ‘turning good services into incredible ones’ which do nothing to placate the angry bears that terrorise our streets. “These bears don’t even speak English” said presidential candidate Imola Varga, the only other election hopeful to raise concerns about the threat from decidedly white bears. A spokesman from the Farmer’s Union of Koi Carp (FUKC) said “oh f***. We were hoping that Bloomfield would see us through this recession, but it’s clear the politicians are all about cut, cut cut.” An outraged student on the street said “It's the recession...hm? What we really needed was more... mmm…cash.”
AARON PORTER: I HAD TO RETIRE, GROVELLING WAS BAD FOR MY BACK. pg. 89
Forking huge bear assaults Bloomfield.
GADDAFI: LIBYA WAITS FOR EUSA ELECTIONS RESULTS WITH BAITED BREATH pg. 73