THE EDINBURGH RASCAL - ISSUE 3
Newest issue of the Rascal. Bringing you the latest cutting edge Biblical satire, Toilet Reviews, Dating tips, Bohemian living and Jeff Tipton is "The Voice of Reason"
d is mig h tier than the elbow: firstname.lastname@example.org he keyboa r b abcdefghijklmnopQRSABCDEFGHIs T the edinburgh rascal, issue the third, third month of two thousand and eleven Whimsy Inc. TM Dear Shareholders, I know many of you are concerned about the hostile takeover of the Rascal by Whimsy Inc. from previous owners the Church of Absurdity, but given the hard economic times we’re facing I’m sure you’ll understand why some changes need to be made. Whimsy Inc. recognises that our brand leader The Edinburgh Rascal needs to keep going forward, but given the whimsy deficit (which remains deep despite the economic plans promoted in Issue 1, hence the current move to deregulated free market whimsy) we feel it is wise to downsize certain absurd elements in order to facilitate ongoing whimsical synergy within the dynamic business force which is Whimsy Inc. BAN NE D UR ABS D IT Y Therefore in order to remain capriciously competitive in an increasingly serious market we are going to have to let certain assets of the Church of Absurdity go. Foremost amongst these will be the Nonsensical Reliquary, the cost of running this is quite frankly beyond absurd. All future absurd requirements are going to be outsourced to sub-contractors of Whimsy Inc. We welcome integration with our readership demographic and hope that you, the readers of the Rascal, will pitch in and contribute to keeping as much absurdity afloat as possible. With your help, Whimsy Inc. can guarantee the Rascal a truly ridiculous future. However we intend to redirect our funds in order to grow The Edinburgh Rascal brand into the market leader in whimsy. Our new investments should ensure generous whimsy dividends for the foreseeable future. We feel that Whimsy Inc. is the future of ridiculousness. We promise to actualise all your dreams and makes them truly, madly, deeply ludicrous. N.B. the allegations of tax evasion levelled at Whimsy Inc. have yet to be proven. Yours Sincerely, S Vladimir Iltick aturation email@example.com Front cover illustration by Erin McComb. She's cool. Check out her cool blog. "KRAUTROCK KILLED MY FISCAL MOJO" L A C S RA THE GEORGE OSBORNE IN SHOCK REVELATION! pg. 130,888.63 http://edinburghrascal.tumblr.com/ MASTER OF MIRTH FELLED BY FORK Polar bear attacks skyrocket as Koi Carp stocks collapse * Jacob doesn't find this offensive. Neither do we. If you do, you're probably Aaron Porter. By FLAT STANLEY Magnificent VPS hopeful Jacob 'Kosher' Bloomfield* was brutally robbed at fork-point in the recent election battle. Experts now fear vicious polar bear attacks will wreak havoc across Edinburgh. "Faulking hell!" Philippa Faulkner swept to victory on a tide of rampant anti-Koi sentiment in an epic contest that historians have already dubbed the ‘Faulklands War’. Bloomfield promised Koi Carp for all and peace of mind from terrifying attacks by bears. These plans have now been struck dead by Faulkner’s ludicrous proposals of ‘turning good services into incredible ones’ which do nothing to placate the angry bears that terrorise our streets. “These bears don’t even speak English” said presidential candidate Imola Varga, the only other election hopeful to raise concerns about the threat from decidedly white bears. A spokesman from the Farmer’s Union of Koi Carp (FUKC) said “oh f***. We were hoping that Bloomfield would see us through this recession, but it’s clear the politicians are all about cut, cut cut.” An outraged student on the street said “It's the recession...hm? What we really needed was more... mmm…cash.” AARON PORTER: I HAD TO RETIRE, GROVELLING WAS BAD FOR MY BACK. pg. 89 Forking huge bear assaults Bloomfield. GADDAFI: LIBYA WAITS FOR EUSA ELECTIONS RESULTS WITH BAITED BREATH pg. 73 dating tips for girls and boys Are you alone in a sea of loneliness? Did Valentine’s Day leave you lost? Want to make sure that this time next year, you’re safely ensconced in romance? Then you should try these simple and effective dating tips on someone you want to snog! Ethel and Bainbridge here model our favourite dating tips. Ethel is a lovely lonely darling in search of a darling. She enjoys campanology and Japanese Seppuku (stomach-cutting).harder than suduko Bainbridge enjoys smoking haddock and the musics of hut Stockhausen, Berio and Schoenberg, preferably in his beach in Bognor Regis. SNIFFING: pheromones = phwoar. Whilst passing by your beloved, inhale deeply to see if their scent suggests compatibility. Aim for the armpits. TH IS W AY NOW .. . STARING: eye contact is really sex. Seen something you like? Don’t drop their gaze for even one second. Extra points for smouldering. LICKING: running your tongue over your lips is both incredibly subtle and incredibly sexy. Let them know you fancy a taste. TOUCHING: nothing is more intimate than the soft caress of a STALKING: offer to walk your chosen stranger you didn’t know was standing behind you. Assess the one home. If they decline your offer, suitability of an impertinent bum grab. follow at ten paces behind them with some take away pizza. Rinse and repeat. Jeff Tipton is The Voice of ReasonListen to Him! English culture has come under threat in recent times. Churchill's nation has been compromised by invasions from foreign lands. Crusading Prime Minister Cameron has correctly identified multi-culturalism as a failed project, and a cousin of mine by marriage, Alexander Cockworth-Dean, has recently been celebrating this event by knick knocking Shami Chakrabarti's house for 3 weeks straight! JIF GHK we will find a Great British Culture, once again, determined and strong. Babe l a c i l b i B T op T e n we all e thing that n o e th t u b o r, Tastes diffe e definitive Mills and B a the Bible, th ured for over 3,000 ye vo continually de the holiest hunks and hone R e ad e r s o n 5 Lotâ€™s Wi fe 4 EVE 3 J EZEB EL 2. MARY MAGDALEN E 1 LI LLITH tti e s o H y l o H d e s an cters from e are chara l find attractivcient Middle East, and oon of the aned Devout Rascal ars. We quizz with the most definitive p eys to come u f Biblical heart-throbs. list o 5. Samson 4. Jonah 3. Cain 2. Noah 1. M os es Wipe him down with gasoline/Till his arms are hard and mean/From now on boys this iron boat's your home/So heave away boys. The captain is a one-armed dwarf/He's throwing dice along the wharf/In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is King/So take this ring. It's Easter soon small boy! Leave me alone... TIPS ON LIVING I N STYLE O ften people say to me, “Sir, you live a full and interesting life, how do you do it?” This tells me a number of facts about the questioner, mainly that they don’t know me very well. But it is my burden as the greatest living Anarcho-Bohemian Dandy to live a depressingly interesting, vice-fuelled, debt-ridden, unconventional lifestyle. So for all of you want to be bohemians here are some of my top tips to keep wannabe life interesting. 1. in 3. Learn Pretend you live Nazi occupied France 2. Shoplift If you are like me and burdened with Champagne tastes but lemonade pockets, shop lifting is your best friend. You can live in the lap of luxury - the finest clothes, liquor and cheese can be yours. Scared about the possible jail Learn from the bes t: Albert Camus time? No worries, just think of it as a Doomed romance a sabbatical in which you can finally finish that novel. et Learn from the best: Jean Gen There is nothing like the pain of the soft skin to make you feel alive. A good place to start is the classic transatlantic doomed romance. He she as the naive Americ an, you as the sophisticated European that teaches the uncultured yan Y ankk about life. They learn a lot from life and go on to marry a nice boring sob back home and you either get shot or spend the rest of your time on a bar stool lam enting what Traffuat t: Francois could of been. from the bes 4. Learn 5. Headway in Become a filfth FILTH elder A nice touch of debauchery is a good way to get ones heart pumping full of adrenaline. Be it eating sushi off a prostitute’s back or a quickie with your arresting officer, it will be something to tell the grandkids (if you can have any). If you are lacking in the imagination department, I suggest starting with sodomising the man or women of your choice in a bath full of red wine, and then working your way up from there. from the best: John Waters hedonism After a week of pure hedonism you might just lose your mind; this is a good sign. We bohemians care little about rent, so if you’ve spent it all on snuff and absinthe, make sure to tell the landlord this fact. They won’t be happy, but when was the last time you saw a happy landlord? Living the idle life in pursuit of art is a tough one but someone has to do it. Learn from the best: William S Burroughs If I could more eloquently describe an idiot mouth open... Grasp! spi plipped Grog Rog! Spazzle Gazzle! Shivvle Rivvle! " floo FLOO "Gough Gough! Draw us a doodle here, boys and girls. xx Mi ju litar thentas ay e demopath r crac to y. embedded in neoliberal postt-shetrheu gemonic conceptual tyranny of cturalist framewor this is all k. Ultimateltyhe, N OS TA L G I A A TE M Y F A C E . D almost finished What do you mean it's Easter soon? stockhausen!? The Edinburgh Rascal is brought to you by a motley opensource tools. We delight in the whimsical absurdcrew; a bevy of fools with revel in the cynical. If you wish to join us, join us. ical zeal of business and We await your submission, forever in perdition. For we are the rascals. See us creep, hear us weep; watch - united, for now we have a stapler. Await declarations, our outpourings on paper abate rational inclinations. See ya around, Jimmy.