BarbWIRED BY KACTUS KATE Slighty Sharp & Twisted These quizzes pop-up frequently on Facebook and lure you in to taking a short questionnaire to find out which food, cocktail, or drink best matches your personality. I don’t care how “full your glass may be,” the fact is, few can resist such an enlightening opportunity to see which “cocktail” sums them up best. I found a food quiz at www.buzzfeed.com/ joannaborns/quiz–what-food-matches–yourpersonality and answered the nine questions and hit submit. Within seconds, it calculated my answers and gave me my food match. Thinking I must have answered something wrong, I went back and retook the quiz. Yet, again, same results:
Hot Buttered Roll. You’re a hot, buttered roll. Emphasis on the HOT. Everybody wants you but not everybody can have you. Be careful with your hotness and don’t use it for evil.
Food for thought
IF A CAT HAS KITTENS INSIDE AN OVEN, THAT DON’T MAKE ‘em biscuits. However, based on their personality, they may be a hot buttered roll, burrito, or even a real wiener. Have you ever met somebody really interesting and well-rounded? You know the type–outdoorsy, but professional, well-read, world traveler, good cook, artsy and creative, musically inclined, and a handyman who can fix just about anything. The kind that jet off on exciting adventures every year such as 21-day backpacking trips into the wild Alaskan backcountry or doing missionary work in third-world countries. You know… a BURRITO. A real renaissance man or woman, who is a little bit of everything all thrown into a homemade flour tortilla and rolled up nice and neat. Of course, there are all kinds, some who are more content traveling the world via the National Geographic Channel–couch POTATO; those who are laidback, easy going and get along with everybody in a variety of settings—SANDWICH; and the oldsouls who are slightly aged and mellow for the most part, till you cross them, then they can get a little stinky and sharp–CHEESE. I admit, it may seem a little unconventional to match someone’s personality to a food, but as they say, “the proof is in the pudding.” It doesn’t happen often, but on occasions it can be as obvious as a 5-foot-tall neon sign blinking off and on over their head: “WEINER. WEINER. WEINER.” And don’t pretend you don’t know what I am talking about. Everybody has met a wiener at some point in life. Just saying. 66
MARCH 2014 TEX APPEAL
Figuring out someone’s “food” is easy as picking out dinner at Luby’s Cafeteria. However, what’s not as easy s figuring out your own food match. I know they say “you are what you eat,” but don’t assume your favorite food is the same as your personality match, that my friend is a-whole‘nother enchilada. Thinking about my own personality, I came to the conclusion I must be sweet and sour chicken. Now I know what you’re thinking, “but that’s Chinese?” Well, technically yes, but it is a Chinese dish created for the American palate. The ingredients are simple. Chicken-all-white meat, nothing fancy. Breaded and deep-fried, little Southern touch. Smothered in a thick, bright sauce that is a nice blend of sweet and tangy–like my ying and yang. Lastly, it’s served alongside a scoop of steamed rice–again, another ordinary pantry staple. Obviously, we’re not talking about an overly complex dish with multiple layers of intense, exotic flavors or any expensive, rare ingredients. Heck, it doesn’t even require any advanced training or highly-specialized techniques to prepare and it’s generally recognized and liked by the masses. Yep, I’d say sweet and sour chicken is an accurate match of how I wok n’ roll. Convinced I had myself all figured out, I decided to test my theory by taking one of those online quizzes that matches personalities to foods.
Maybe hot mess? Now that I can see, but a hot buttered roll, really? Quite inconceivable if you ask me. Anyone who even implies a hot buttered roll may be capable of being evil is clearly a couple quarts short of a gallon. Skeptical of the food quiz and its credence, I decided to take the alcoholic drink/personality match quiz at www.gotoquiz.com/what_type_ of_alcoholic_drink_are_you. Thirteen questions later, I received my results: What Type of Alcoholic Drink Are You? Your Result: Straight Shot 89% You are the wild child! Everyone is constantly wondering what you will do next. You like to be outrageous and daring. You love to hear people say you’re crazy. Have fun! Whiskey/Rum & Coke
83%
Fruity Mixed Drink
52%
Beer
33%
A straight shot is unpretentious, like my sweet and sour chicken theory; making my drink match an easy pour to believe. However, what I find a little hard to swallow is its description. Nobody drinks straight shots and “wonders what it will do,” they know exactly what to expect. As do those who know me best will attest, no crazy surprises here either. You know exactly what to expect with me because I am an open book, easy to read, what you see is what you get- kind of gal. Who knows what kind of junk science is used to determine personality matches to food and drinks. All I know for certain is this much, you’ll know a wiener when you meet one and you won’t need any test to confirm it. Just mark my words, when you do… you’re going to mutter, “Why butter my biscuit [roll], pour me a shot and make it a double.”