both the good and the bad things one has done, accepting criticism with equanimity, being conscious of one’s own motivations, learning which impulses in the self arise from the Spirit and are to be trusted and which impulses arise from the unredeemed self, the flesh, and are not to be trusted. 2.
proximate preparation
We usually look with disfavour on the custom in other cultures of arranged marriages, and fail to see how unsuitable our own customs may be in preparing for matrimony. In the process of dating, people characteristically adopt an attractive and perhaps charming front, are on their best behaviour as they try to impress desirable partners. The practice has been called the “marriage market”. As a grocer might place the best apples on the top of the basket, so in the marriage market one’s less desirable traits are hidden under what we consider to be our selling points. However unlikely it might be in practice, reason suggests for those preparing for marriage something of the rigour of military basic training, the critical assessment that takes place in baseball’s spring training, or the systematic evaluation that occurs before students graduate into a profession. The time of courtship and engagement needs to be a time of getting to know prospective partners well and objectively. What are their expectations of marriage? What are their strengths and what are their weaknesses? Which of the mannerisms that appear charming during courtship will in time become irritating? How do they react under stress? How do they react to criticism? How do they treat people with whom they are angry? (If partners are pleasant with each other but disagreeable with others, they are simply enjoying a temporary truce with each other.) How adroit are they at avoiding issues? On what points will they not compromise? (Surely to possess character is to have principles on which one will not compromise.) Are they capable of mature commitment? Do they use sex or sexual attractiveness to get their way? What do fair-minded people think of them? The time of courtship and engagement needs to be a time of growth in the relationship. Is there genuine growth in knowledge of each other and in the ability to listen and to communicate what is most important? Are the partners able to make adjustments for the sake of each other? Are sensitive issues faced openly and honestly? Are there hidden 246