Leftfield - August 2010
the fanzine of Scottish Socialist Youth
the fanzine of scottish socialist youth ssy.org.uk 50p August 2010 2 LEFTFIELD: THE FANZINE THAT WOULD KNOW IF IT HAD EVER SEEN ROWAN MORRISON HEY KIDS! Welcome to the latest super-soaraway Leftfield, and we hope that you enjoyed your sweeties. It's been ages since we last had a Leftfield and SSY has been up to like, loads since then. We made it onto national TV shouting at David Cameron just after the election, we stood a couple of SSY members as SSP candidates in the election, we've been making AWESOME funny videos, we stormed a multi-storey car-park to hang a massive banner over the side, we were on TV again shouting at the BNP live on the BBC election night coverage and then we were just about the only people to tell the truth during the whole mephedrone furore! And we blogged, lots. But there's still plenty more to come! Quite excitingly, August sees the return of Camp Secret Squirrel, SSY's almost-annual summer camp.Come, or live to regret it for quite possibly the rest of your live. See you there! Bus travel in Glasgow is fast becoming a joke. Earlier this year, almost every fare was put up ten pence, while some even rose as much as 34%. And was there a corresponding improvement in service? Not likely. It's something that's happening across Scotland, and much of the problems stem from deregulation � which was when the government dropped any regulation of bus routes, putting the whole service at the whim of private companies like First and Stagecoach. Fares used to be capped as well � but now these too are free to be decided by the bus companies. As it happens, the SNP had promised to rectify this if they got in government � until millionaire Stagecoach boss Brian Soutar gave the party a hefty `donation' before the last election, that is! SSY has a radical alternative to the mainstream when it comes to buses: let's make them all free. And trains. And ferries. If we can find billions to spend on bank bailouts and trident renewal, we can surely afford the less than �1 billion a year it'd cost to run Scotland's entire public transport network... for free! Not only would this dramatically reduce the number of cars on the road � meaning less emissions, faster travel and less road accidents � it'd be the biggest proenvironment policy enacted by any government anywhere, ever. And it'd be a hell of a lot better than the privatised, delayed, outdated, chaotic mess of a public transport 'system' we have at the moment. www.freepublictransport.org "It's madness. The steps at the Royal Concert Hall are one of the few nice places to sit in the city centre, where folk can chat and hang about. The last thing we need is another commercial shopping venue." That's the verdict of one young person who Leftfield spoke to over Glasgow City Council's latest plans for the city centre, which threaten to demolish the iconic steps at the top of Buchanan Street, with outline planning permission already granted to a massive new expansion of the Buchanan Galleries shopping centre. Furthermore, the council are intent on making council tax payers foot the �80million bill for the shopping centre expansion � and in a year when they're laying off staff, freezing wages, and closing down vital services like libraries and swimming pools. The Royal Concert Hall steps are a popular, public, and vitally, free social space in the city centre, where large numbers of young people hang about. The council's plans to demolish them and build a new, branded, `focal point' entrance to the Buchanan Galleries are a disgrace, and should be resisted by anyone who cares about the future of the city centre as a social space. Elsewhere, the council are continuing to needs is a massive glass box aim closure threats in the direction of the Merchant City, in a blatant attempt to historic Barras market, one of the last squeeze out a street market which offers working class areas left in the centre of cheap goods to an overwhelmingly the city. Various councillors have been working class clientele. calling on the market to "clean up" its act and lose its "seedy reputation". The city centre should be space for everyone, not a middle class ghetto of It's become clear that their main aim in exclusive boutiques, vacuous shopping this is to push for the transformation of malls and trendy wine bars. But with the the Barras into an expensive yuppie Commonwealth Games coming in 2014, market with a `Camden-style the next few years will see an onslaught of regeneration package' that will bring a so called `regeneration', as the council try `better class of retail' and be a `good pull and woo wealthy tourists to the city. for tourists', as one councillor has put it. No one's denying that the Barras We need investment in the city � but we couldn't do with a makeover, but the last don't need the council spending ridiculous thing we need is an expansion of the amounts on building more commercial overpriced middle class ghetto that is the retail space. A STEP TOO FAR: The last thing Buchanan Street 3 LEFTFIELD: THE FANZINE THAT REVELS IN THE DEATH OF TOTAL BASTARDS WHAT'S WITH ALL the words that are just for slagging off women? How come women who aren't in the kitchen making sandwiches whilst being virginal and pure are attacked with the nastiest and most malicious insults in the English language? bitch... but it's the not the word 'bitch' that's meant as the insult in that case it's the insinuation of being a woman. And that's fucked up. PUSSY... It may surprise you to learn that this has nothing to do with cute little pussy cats. No, 'pussy' comes from ancient words for pocket, bag, envelope... it literally means a receptacle something to put something in. The word 'pussy' implies that our genitals, and therefore us, are for putting things in. And nothing else. Never mind women's sexual pleasure or autonomy, we're here for sticking your dick in and nothing more. And that is really offensive. And, yet again, when we call men pussies, it's the implication of being female that's meant to cause the real offense. As socialists, we want equality and freedom for everyone. That means we need to remove words which hate women from our vocabulary. HEY � SO I'M A FEMINIST. NOW WHAT? SKANK, SLUT, HO... why are women subject to such derision for nothing more than having a sexuality? Who or how many people we sleep with is no one's business but our own. If you don't like it, don't do it. No one cares how many people a man has slept with, but if you're a woman who has even kissed more people than you can count on one hand, you're still considered 'damaged goods'. Sex is a normal healthy part of life - you shouldn't have to do it unless you want to, but no one should be judging you if you do. BITCH... literally, a bitch is a female dog. Its original use as an insult was based on a comparison of a woman to a dog in heat. If someone is unreasonable, rude or aggressive, they deserve to be taken to task about their behaviour - not just branded with a disgusting sexist name. Bitch is a word that hates women. By being used only for women who behave a certain way, it reinforces different standards of behaviour for men and women - in other words, inequality. Yeah, sometimes men get called a WAY AYE MAN, it's Gazza here in me new column in Leftfield. Over the next few pages I'll be taken a wry and satirical eye to the latest goin ons in the media, and tryin to cut through the lies an hypocrisy o modern life like a black and decker drill through a dodgy piece o woodchip. First on me agenda is the planned withdrawal o British soliders from Afghanistan by 2014 - probably so they'll be back in time to watch me raise the world cup in Brazil like. I have massive respect for the troops though man, I know how tense a high stakes shootout can be like. It's enough to bring ye te tears. I just hope that David Cameron and Hamid Karzai can see sense like, and let me negotiate a peaceful end to the conflict like - I swear down, if am allowed to go into Helmand province I'll seek out me old mate Mullah Omar. I knew him when he worked as a bouncer at the paradise lounge in Nottingham and were called Kevin like. I'll have a lookout for him, wi a can o lager, fishing road, and a bit o chicken, and we can bring the whole mess to a fuckin end man. See page eleven for more topical insight from our man with the fishin' rod, Gazza JOIN THE SSY WOMENS' GROUP! SSY WOMEN'S group 4 LEFTFIELD: THE FANZINE THAT PAUL THE PSYCHIC OCTOPUS PREDICTED WOULD BE REALLY FUNNY As the Government gear up for the most ferocious attack on our living standards since Thatcher, Leftfield exposes the lies behind their dogma of `shared austerity'... We have to make big cuts in spending on frontline services, jobs, pensions and benefits � because only this can bring down the national deficit + stabilise the economy Undercover SSY agents hittin' the streets with the anti-cuts, anti-Tory message on budget day � before the security man came and shouted at us, that is. I care about poor people, honest! The reality is that we don't need to make any of the massive spending cuts � hundreds of billions in total � that the Tory/LibDem coalition are proposing. As it happens, making millions of people redundant and everyone even more skint is actually just gonna fuck the economy even more � cause no one will be have money to buy anything, creating an endless downward spiral of unemployment and nae money. This means we now run the real risk of entering a second, or `double dip', recession! The problem is though, the UK's debt is massive � the total state, household and corporate debt in the country is about 5 times as much money as what we have: 466% of our national income. Turns out all those years of growth in the `good times' for the economy weren't actually so great after all � they were funded by credit they'd just made up. The problem that governments now face is that they can either spend lots of borrowed money to try and get out the crisis (and gets loads more debt), or hammer the public sector and pay off their deficits. Both roads lead in the direction of economic crisis, and that's one of the biggest contradictions of capitalism. The last time this happened it was the 1930s, and it took World War II to get the global economy out of the depression. This time, we need a socialist solution to escape the madness of capitalism! There's plenty we could cut � the monarchy, trident, billions in tax evasion by the rich, the war in Afghanistan... and that's just what springs to mind instantly! There's 29 ministers in the Tory/Lib Dem cabinet. And get this, at least 23 of them are millionaires! Cameron himself is worth �4m, his wife has a salary of �300k, and he's set to inherit �30m from his parents. Meanwhile DC and co are gearing up to hammer the poorest people in society with vicious cuts in benefits, pensions and services � Leftfield is prepared to say with some certainty that no, Dave and his Tory chums do not give a fuck for anyone other than themselves and their big business mates. We're all in this together, so we've all got to make sacrifices David Cameron is super keen to stress that `we're all in the recession together' � but it's a shame his own policies don't reflect this. What the Tories are proposing is a huge redistribution of wealth � from the poor, and to the rich, like an evil Robin Hood. They've kicked things off with a VAT rise to 20%, and there's plenty more to come with cuts in benefits that'll hit the most vulnerable groups in society, wage freezes for public sector workers, raising the pension age so that we all have to work even longer � and there's plenty more where this came from. But the rich are taking their fair share of the burden too, surely? Aye right! The Tories are carrying this out less than out of necessity than of an ideological drive to smash what remains of the welfare state and the public sector, and sell off the scraps to whichever of his rich pals wants a share. The next few years will need to bring a huge struggle as we fight to defend what's ours. CONSERVATIVE FOREIGN MINISTER WILLIAM HAGUE MR POTATO HEAD 5 LEFTFIELD: THE FANZINE THAT HAS AN IPHONE APP TO COME UP WITH ALL OF THIS SHIT THE RACIST THUGS and football hooligans of the `Scottish Defence League' descended on Kilmarnock on Saturday 19 June. What they claimed was a demonstration `for freedom of speech' was in reality a sick attempt to stir up hatred towards the local Muslim community and create division. However, unlike their previous demonstrations in Glasgow and Edinburgh where the SDL were largely confined to the pub in which they'd met, in Kilmarnock the police allowed their town centre demonstration to go ahead. And rather than just the `static demo' that the police had indicated they would permit, the SDL were then granted a march through the whole town centre, to a pub in which they were holding their rally/afternoon piss-up. Predictably, the SDL's true face as an extreme far-right organisation did not take long to show itself. Throughout their demo, Nazi salutes were visible, while they chanted racist abuse and threatened anti-fascists, as a crowd of puzzled Saturday morning shoppers looked on. Meanwhile, Strathclyde Police decided that those out to oppose the SDL were on this occasion the `bad guys', and did everything they could to disrupt, harass and detain anti-fascists, while giving the SDL thugs freedom to roam the streets of Kilmarnock. The huge police presence on the day � involving hundreds of officers and a helicopter � thus had the effect of being there to ensure that the SDL demo could go ahead undisrupted, unlike in Glasgow and Edinburgh where thousands of antifascists prevented them from being able to march or hold their demo. In an official complaint to Strathclyde Police, the Scottish Anti-Fascist Alliance have slammed the policing on the day, accusing the police of heavy-handed treatment of anti-fascists, and of forcing out local trade unions and community groups � who'd come together to oppose the SDL � in favour of facilitating the SDL in an `illegal march'. Responding to these serious allegations, Operations Chief at Strathclyde Police, Fiona Taylor, said that she believed the police harassment of anti-fascists was `not only effective, but both justified and proportionate', given that there was `no violence or disorder' on the day. This neglects the fact that not only were antifascists subject to both physical threats from the SDL, but also continually threatened with arrest by police � to the extent of a number of activists being violently huckled against a wall and questioned for a period of time. Furthermore, police have sought to justify their decision to allow the march to go ahead on the basis of Human Rights legislation, claiming that they `must not restrict protest'. This sets an unhealthy precedent in Scotland, where the SDL had until Kilmarnock been unable to march � and surrounded in pubs by thousands of anti-racist protestors. Now the SDL have unveiled their plans to march in Glasgow this September, applying to the council for a route from Blytheswood Sq. to George Sq., where they intend to lay a wreathe at the cenotaph. Already veterans groups and a number of local politicians have come out strongly against the SDL's plans. However, the police actions in Kilmarnock underline the need for thousands to pour onto the streets on Saturday 18 September, the date of the proposed SDL demo, and stop them from being able to take to Glasgow's streets. The events in June displayed bluntly that we shouldn't ever rely on the forces of the state to oppose fascism - only consistent, mass street mobilisations of ordinary people will be enough to crush the resurgence of organised racism on our streets. Preparations are already underway in SAFA to oppose the SDL � stay updated at ssy.org.uk/tag/SDL and on the Glasgow Anti-Fascist Alliance facebook group! Leftfield can reveal that the SDL, which claims to be a peaceful organisation solely concerned with opposing "militant Islam", is in fact providing a safe-haven for a hardcore of neo-Nazis and other far-right extremists. Their recent outing in Kilmarnock was hijacked by several members of the "British Freedom Fighters", an openly fascist organisation that idolises Hitler and the SS. Photo evidence confirms that not only did SDL supporters display fascist salutes on the day, but that several were also decked out in neo-Nazi t-shirts and jewellery. Similarly, a senior member of the SDL in Glasgow, Scott Clinton (right), is a signed-up member of the National Front Scotland, another neo-Nazi group. As well as being the SDL's website admin, Clinton is also is also the official name behind the SDL's council processions application for their proposed September demo. Another SDL member, keyboard-warrior `Steph88' of Alloa, is a self-proclaimed Nazi who has made violent threats against a number of anti-fascists activists, not least on the comments section of the SSY blog. 6 LEFTFIELD: THE FANZINE THAT WAS MADE BEFORE, DURING, AND AFTER A MUSHROOM TRIP BETWEEN 2005 AND 2007, Camp Secret Squirrel blew everything else you could possibly do in summer out of the water. And now after a two year hiatus, it's back. Over the weekend of August 6-9, SSY (and international guests, friends, supporters and... you?) will be heading to a secret location, somewhere in deepest, darkest Galloway, in the south of Scotland. Over three nights and two days, we'll be bringing you camping, bonfires, political debate and discussion, a massive party every night, awesome food and `banter'. Lots of it. Oh, and we're gonna burn a Wickerman on the Saturday night! During the day different workshops will give everyone taking part the chance to discuss and educate each other on the key issues facing the world today, including climate change and the environmental crisis, national liberation movements across the globe, sexism and patriarchy, and fighting the Tory government and the bosses' system. Then at night, we throw a huge party. We'll have special guest DJs each night, as well as a cheap bar on site. Did we mention we're gonna have a wickerman as well? Ace. The site is located in the south west of Scotland, a couple of hours from Glasgow. The camp itself (pictured) is in beautiful woodland, and on site there's two cabins, with a canvas stretched between them, providing us with a large workshop/ eating/ dancing space. There's even a compost toilet, and plenty of room for camping and exploring (and, excitingly, a wee loch/pond!) We're keeping the cost of the camp as low as possible � it's going to be �10 each (or �15 if you've got a wage), which includes bus travel there and back (from Glasgow), plus all your meals and camp activities. What you need to bring is a sleeping bag, a tent, yer pals, and a hunger to party! 6th-9th August. Miss it and you're a chump! All young (26 or under) socialists, feminists, environmentalists, anti-racists and other radicals welcome! Email: firstname.lastname@example.org or call national organiser Sarah Higgins on 07800990332 � book your place NOW! Check out the event page on facebook too. WORKSHOPS AT CSS INCLUDE: The Basque Country: socialism & independence Fitba: taking it back for the fans Internet, Filesharing & the Politics of Piracy Racism and the Fake Idea of Race Climate Change � hosted by Plane Stupid The Food Industry & Why There's an Obesity Epidemic Scotland & Independence What is Patriarchy? + more! As if one exciting summer camp wasn't enough, August also sees the UK Camp for Climate Action come to Scotland. It's going to be taking place in Edinburgh from Saturday 21 � Tuesday 24 August, with loads of different stuff happening over the duration of it. Due to its location this year, the main `target' of Climate Camp is going to be the Royal Bank of Scotland, with a number of different actions planned against the bank, particularly over its role in funding mineral extraction, like the disastrous Tar Sands project in Canada. Climate Camp are a pretty cool group who, like SSY, recognise that climate chance is a symptom of capitalism, and, with our governments offering little more than hot air, that it's the responsibility of us all to build a mass movement to stop it. There'll be hundreds of people at the camp from a variety of backgrounds, all there to share ideas and talk about the way forward for the radical environmental movement. SSY will be taking part � and you should join us! See www.climatecamp.org.uk for all the details. 7 LEFTFIELD: THE FANZINE THAT GETS LOST IN ITS OWN IN-JOKES Earlier this year, users of cult online messageboard 4Chan struck a strategic alliance with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il. In return for a supply of tactical nuclear weapons, the internet memesters rigged a competition on the website of teen popstar Justin Bieber. The competition invited fans to vote for the country that they wanted THE DEAR BIEBER: The main man JB Bieber to tour next, and in proof of the glorious success relaxes at some crazy procession thing in downtown Pyongyang of the Democratic People's Republic, North Korea won out top! Here, Leftfield brings you an exclusive look at Justin's tour diary in the land of the Dear Leader: "Yo, what up, this is JB, live from my tour of the Democratic People's Republic of North Korea. I arrived in through a place called the DMZ, don't know what it stands for but it sounds street. Probably NK is doing what I do and just calling things names or saying stuff for their credibility, so it's cool with me. I know how hard it is to convince people that you really are straight street, when you come from somewhere like Ontario or NK. The border guards were all tense and straight, they could do with a lesson or two from my swagger coach, and maybe Usher telling them how to act. We went to meet the Dear Leader, Kim Jong-Il, and I was like woah, cos the North Korean shorties be going wild for him, just like they do for me back home. I explained to KJI that I believe if I stay humble and keep following the right path, I will achieve my goals and keep reaching success. He said that he believes the same thing, and calls it the Juche ideology, which apparently a whole philosophy that he came up with by himself with a little help from his Dad! Then we went to see some Korean mass games, which made me think that KJI must have caught Bieber-fever, the way they straight took my love of hot choreography to the next level. KJI asked if I'd perform with his 10,000 personal dance crew, and I was like "Whatever you want, JBiebz will give it to you." KJI was so happy he told me that alongside his Dad (the Great Leader) and himself (the Dear Leader), I was going to get the honorary title of the Dear Bieber of the DPRK. So now, after 6 months of intense rehearsals at gunpoint, I think I'm bout ready to represent for the people's homeland. I think the true North Korean Beliebers are going to have a Biebergasm when they see what we've put together. Hopefully KJI will be satisfied, I been trying to get him to say when we can actually end the tour, but he never really answers the question and starts talking about rice harvests instead. I love the paradise on Earth that is North Korea, but I can't wait to touchdown for all my sweet fans on the next stops of the tour, Afghanistan and Somalia. Plus I've been wondering what's happened to Usher, I haven't seen him since KJI told me he'd gone to a holiday camp for a relaxing vacation breaking rocks and making rifles. Until then, I'm going to leave you, live here in North Korea. Peace! (But never with the American Imperialist Pig Dog Aggressors Who Will Be Crushed by the United Efforts of the Heroic Korean People, Juche is Invincible!)" 8 LEFTFIELD: THE FANZINE THAT SUPPORTS OUR TROOPS... WHEN THEY SHOOT THEIR OFFICERS HERE AT LEFTFIELD, we like seeing things in black and white terms. Especially when it comes to talking about drugs. In this spirit, Jack Ferguson presents the ULTIMATE RUNDOWN of three of the top drugs goodies and baddies in the world today... PROFESSOR DAVID NUTT is a leading scientist studying drugs and their effect on the brain. He was the chair of the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs, an official committee of scientists that gives expert info to the government - the law requires the government to consult them before changing the law. In this job, the Prof. made the very sensible statement that drugs should be classified on the basis of how much harm they actually cause. He argued against the government's decision to reclassify cannabis as a class B drug, and published a paper showing that taking Ecstasy isn't as dangerous as horse riding! For giving inconvenient scientific opinions, he was sacked by the government, proving they have no interests in science when they're trying to keep the hysterical tabloids happy. Since being sacked he's been arguing for fundamental changes to the way our society handles drugs. "I'm convinced that legalisation and control is the only way we will actually make a difference" Jim Duffy, retired Strathclyde Police inspector BRAD PITT Star of films like Fight Club, Ocean's 11 and Inglorious Basterds, Brad Pitt is apparently "obsessed with legalising pot". Brad has announced that he's considering retiring from Hollywood to pursue a political career, and top of his agenda is legalising cannabis. He's been well known for years for toking it up on set, but at least he's one celebrity willing to do something to defend his principles in public! JIM DUFFY is a Glasgow based retired Strathclyde Inspector with 32 years experience, and was also head of the cops' union the Scottish Police Federation. Today he gives talks on behalf of Law Enforcement Against Prohibition (www.leap.cc). As a top cop Jim realised that after 30 years of the war on drugs, they were cheaper and more easily available than ever before. "What more proof is needed that what we are doing is not working," he said. "I am convinced that legalisation and control of ALL illegal drugs is the only way we will actually make a difference." The tax-paying public needs to know that the "we are filling our jails and clogging our courts with drug cases" and the reality that "we are criminalizing many young people for non-violent drug offences and making some bad people very, very rich. It's just not right and it's time for a change." GEORGE BUSH SNR, was Vice President then President of the US between 1981 and 1993. During that time, he concealed the fact that he remained on the payroll of (and a major stockholder in) Eli Lilly, a pharmaceutical company that is the major manufacturer of both methadone and prozac. As President he pushed through a series of policies that would benefit the company that no one knew he was working for, including federal funding for the methadone programme, and the increasing use of drugs as the only treatment for depression and mental illness. Methadone is more addictive than heroin, and has more deadly withdrawal symptoms, as well as seriously damaging the liver and kidneys. For some it is considered more socially acceptable because it's taken orally rather than injected. However, a more effective approach to harm reduction would be to provide clean pharmaceutical heroin to addicts on prescription, as well as proper support to end their drug problem. Arguing for that though means you'll come up against the full might of methadone manufacturers and their puppet politicians, like George Bush Senior was. 9 LEFTFIELD: THE FANZINE THAT WILL APPEAR IN NEXT WEEK'S SOCIALIST WORKER, MINUSTHE SWEARING A was fahckin sacked from zoo magazine, or sum shit, now ahI write in this rag instead. Top bloke! GULBUDDIN HEKMATYAR is a brutal religious fundamentalist warlord in Afghanistan. As a student he murdered fellow students who were left wing and threw acid in the faces of women who refused to wear the veil. The US and Pakistan funded him as head of the forces fighting the Soviet Union. He went on to be one of the key figures in the brutal Afghan civil war of the 1990s, and today he's still battling for control, although his forces have turned against the Americans after they selected someone else to hear their puppet government. He's a war criminal, who's forces kill and rape with impunity. His decades long reign of terror has been directly funded by the heroin trade. Because heroin is illegal, there are huge profits to be made for those controlling the trade. Hekmatyar operates heroin labs that process Afghanistan's poppy crop into heroin for sale to Europe and Russia, which brings him the funds to keep his brutal private army fighting. If we made clean pharmaceutical heroin available on prescription to addicts it would put Hekmatyar and his fellow warlords out of business, and make a huge step towards peace in Afghanistan and Pakistan ALVARO URIBE is the outgoing far right President of Colombia. He received billions of dollars in military aid from the US and the EU in order to continue the war against left wing guerillas in the country. He's also closely linked with fascist death squads that kidnap, murder and torture trade unionists, indigenous people and anyone who stands up for their rights. These same paramilitaries are the ones that control the cocaine trade to the rest of the world. Before he became President, Uribe was a Senator for the are covered by the notorious Medellin Cartel. A 1991 secret US intelligence document stated: "A Colombian politician and senator dedicated to collaboration with the Medell�n Cartel at high government levels. Uribe was linked to a business involved in narcotics activities in the US. His father was murdered in Colombia for his connection with the narcotics traffickers. Uribe has worked for the Medell�n Cartel and is a close personal friend of Pablo Escobar Gavir�a." The US is determined to beat the left in Colombia, and so they allow their far right allies to traffic cocaine, much of which ends up in US cities. If there were no longer huge profits to be made from the illegal cocaine market, financing for their ongoing war would collapse. DANNY `TOP BLOKE' DYER WRITES EXCLUSIVELY FOR LEFTFIELD ON THE LEGEND OF RAOUL MOAT. TOP BLOKE! Orlroight there blokes? It's me, Danneh Doiyer. A've bin readin' abaht this tradgedy wiff hero, Raoul Moat. An yeah you 'erd me roight � that goy wuz a ledgend. A hero. A real top bloke, roight? An ah don't care wut anyone else 'as to say, cuz 'is burd 'ad wut wuz comin to 'er, Orlroight? Burds are the fahcken devil, roight? Yeh give 'em all yer fahcken time 'an love and yeh shag 'em loike they've never bin shagged before, roight lads?! An wut they do is; they fahcken throw it all back in yer face. They ask yeh t' look after their stinkin' kids, stop cookin' yeh dinner, stop sharing 'eh fanny around. No one wahnts a fahckin fridgid burd, roight? So then yeh slap 'em a bit, just to show 'em yer not happy and the thick cows still don't get the fahckin messege. Eventually they fahckin' leave yeh. Yeh tell em they're not allowed 'an then they just shag some other fahckin' bloke! Cheatin' on yeh! Well, that's what happened to ahr Top Bloke, Moat. His burd wuz shaggin' some other bloke. Wut wuz he meant to do? That was HIS burd! He had every fahckin roight to go ape-shit. 'E killed the guy she wuz shaggin' and e' only injured 'er. Some people slag off 'is gunman ship, but it wuz just wut 'e meant to do. Cuz Moat wuz a guy after me own 'eart. 'E blasted 'er so she could live on, roight? But no other blokes would want 'er cuz she's damaged goods. An 'e killed 'er man so she wuz well and truly fahcked (Or not, eh guys?). 'E obviously took mah glorious advice in Zoo. CUT 'EH FACHKIN FACE OFF. All burds are fahcken Satan, blokes, they know exactly what they're fahcken doin to ahre 'earts! Bitches! Cows! The fahcken lot 'ah them! So many poor guys 'ave suffered like Raoul Moat cause they couldn't shut their faces when told! Take ol' Derrick Bird aswell. Another Top Bloke, except 'is Thai bitch went an' broke 'is poor heart. She wuz too far away to slash, mind you, but look what it drove 'im to do. Now nobody in Thai-world fachkin wants 'er cause she makes blokes go mental and shoot everyone. HA HA HA. ALIENS EXIST. I SAW ONE LOOKING AT ME THROUGH A BEDROOM WINDOW! As told down the phone to Lydia Teapot, so as we woz sayin' Danny didn't write any ov that sexist shit or nuffin, alright, was all sum fuckin subeditor or sumthin, you wiv me? Countries that have successfully moved away from prohibition to a system of tolerance, decriminalisation or legalisation, and as a result seen a decline in their drugs problems: Australia (some territories possession is decriminalised); Argentina (prosecuting drugs users has been ruled unconstitutional); Belgium (possession decriminalised); Czech Republic (possession and consumption decriminalised); Mexico (personal use decriminalised); Netherlands (cannabis coffee shops are tolerated, and drugs are treated as social and health problems - leading to much lower rates of consumption of cannabis and other drugs than the UK); Portugal (decriminalised for personal use); Spain (although possession of cannabis in public is illegal, the constitution protects the right to grow and consume on private property); US (federally illegal, but medical cannabis is legal in 14 states, and California is about to vote on legalisation); Uruguay (drug consumption seen as a health/social issue, consumption is not illegal); 10 LEFTFIELD: THE SHODDY FANZINE FOR CRAZY PEOPLE OKAY, so you work like fuck all week. Whether it's a big company or a small business � your wages don't add up to much... and then the government comes along and takes a hefty slice away for tax. And after paying for rent, food, bills and council tax, you don't have much left over for a social life. Ever feel like you've been robbed? Leftfield's best pal Karl Marx got on the case... and found something fishy afoot... Hello readers, my name is Karl Marx. You might think that because I'm a famous philosopher who died in 1883, that I don't have to go to work like everybody else... well you'd be wrong. I actually work in the Blue Lagoon as a fish fryer. I also get a lot of work at children's parties around Christmas time. Anyway, as I was saying, I work. But I don't get paid very much, although the people who pay me always seem pretty well off. So I got scribbling a few notes on the back of a chip wrapper and came up with this thing I call the Labour Theory of Value. Unlike some of my other ideas, the Labour Theory of Value isn't that hard to understand. Hello boys and girls. I'm some rich bastard, aka. your boss. I have this crazy system worked out where you do hunners of work for me and then only get paid the value of like, half of it. The rest, of course, goes in profits... to me! Pretty neat right? I work frying fish. I fry about 40 fish every day, and I get paid �5.80 an hour. So for frying 200 fish a week, I get just over �200. You with me? The chippy owner sells one fried fish for �3.00. So by frying 200 fish a week, I make �600 worth of fried fish for the chippy. So if I stroll into work on Monday morning, I've already fried enough fish to make my week's wages (�200) by Tuesday afternoon! This means that for the next three and a bit days, I'm not working for my wages � I'm working for the chippy owner's profits!! However, the guy who owns the chippy doesn't seem to do much work. He buys all the raw fish and frozen chips from the Cash & Carry and then he pockets all the takings. A tidy profit, eh? And believe it or not, this is the root of all capitalist exploitation! And this is the reason why people who work in Tesco have no money, while their billionaire bosses swan around in private jets. 11 LEFTFIELD: THE FANZINE THAT HAS SERIOUS POLITICS, HONEST British blobs for British workers BEING AN ANTI-FASCIST can get very confusing sometimes, when the Nazi knobends are so hate-filled they can't even get on with each other. Far-right scum are divided into an alphabet soup of mental gangs � but fear not, as Leftfield now brings you a handy guide to who they are and a few of their So-called "family entertainment show" screened during the 1990s, featuring sick games like `Gunge the main `slogans'. Puntastic! Immigrant', `Beat Your Neighbour' (if they're foreign, presumably) and `Grab a Grand' (a game also known as `phoning Jim Dowson'). Starred Nick Griffin as Nazi blob monster Mr Blobby, who even made Xmas No. 1 in 1993 with his sick racist tirade `Mr Blobby, oh Mr Blobby, do you still deny the Holocaust?' Taken off air by the BBC in 1999, Griffin found himself jobless and entered politics. THE NATIONAL FONT A nasty bunch, and like most of the far-right, this lot are obsessed with purity: purity of fonts. The invention of Comic Sans MS was enough to see off the NF in the 1980s, but what can hold off their extremist typeface fontacies this time round? - "The country is going to Helvetica in a handcart. We must make an Impact in our defence of the Arial race!" - "These Italics have moved from the margins and are now centred all over the space. It just can't be justified!" - "These Times call for New Romans. We need to look to the Futura. We need to strike through all this before the country goes Dingbats." Racist pony says `neigh' to immigration! THE RACIAL VOLUNTEER HORSE Much like the NF, except this mob are all horses. Actual Nazi horses. Their favourite slogans include: - "Say Neigh to immigration!" - "We're going to stirrup trouble about these immigrants showjumping the queue." - "We've been saddled with asylum seekers and gypsies, we need a more stable country." - "Race: It's what we do best." Then of course there's the extremist groups that focus more on hatred of the Irish, such as: An odd bunch of ex-Tories and casual xenophobes, the UKIPPERS take the issue of the foreigns stealing our fish jolly seriously. "We've haddock enough of these Muslims, they are the sole cause of this nation's ills! We hake them!" "We are in tuna with the people of Britain" "By Cod, are we just letting these immigrants in for the halibut?" TERRY'S LOYAL CHOCOLATE ORANGE ORDER "It's not the Catholics'. It's mine." "No Surrender to the Milky Way." "Fuck the Poppets!" "Hello, Hello, we are the Bounty Boys." and their favourite song of all... "The Nesquik Sachet My Father Wore." see so many Arabs love the England football team like, and would name a piece o their country after me, but then I got angry when I saw what were being done to it. Bombed, starved, isolated - I don't want to see the good name of Gazza be associated wi a wreck, destruction, poverty and misery like. Anyway folks, ahm off now for a wee bit o fishin next to the canal like hope ye stay tuned in for the next installment of Fishin wi Gazza it'll have ye hooked! Ha ha way aye, see what I did there, have ye hooked, it's cos there's a hook on a fishing road eh. As seen by Andy Bowden assistance from Ray Mears) (with Gazza continues his unique take on recent events in the media... I DON'T KNOW if Obama will take me up on the offer o helping in Afghan like. He's right cheesed off wi us at the minute, cos we released me good pal Abdel Baset Al Mohammed Al Megrahi (or Al Megrahty as I called him) from jail. Now am no fan o terrorism way aye like man but I swear down he did not carry out the bombings like. He were wi me out in Newcastle night of the bombing for me birthday. I can remember vomiting on his shoes and spilling a kebab all over his shirt, he said "Gazza ya plank I'm gonna kick fuck oot o ye now". I was also readin that apparently the siege on Gaza had been lifted - at first I thought it were me like man, I was baffled like, I looked oot me window to see if it were them paparazzi camping oot again, but i didnt see nowt like. I read further and saw it was o a place called Gaza. I was happy and touched at first to Drugs policy in the UK is a shambles. While much of the world moves towards decriminalisation and regulation of drugs � like California, which has a ballot on it this November � all the major political parties in Scotland are determined to keep bowing down to media hysteria, flying in the face of scientific evidence and even their own advisors. We need a new approach � one based on harm reducation and science, not tabloid hysteria and government lies! DEPUTY PRIME MONSTER Nick Clegg you are an absolute fucking cunt. You conned your way into power by pretending to be a bit left wing, meaning lots of stupid people voted for your shitey party. Little did they know that you were actually a real life Harold Saxon (obligatory Dr Who reference), and would use their votes to create a regime of pure evil. Your unholy alliance with the Tories has given you a much bigger salary, a nice ministerial car and a finger in the pie of power. But the Tories (who are bastards, but much cleverer than the Liar Dems) are just going to use you as their manky wank rag to clean up their mess when they chuck people out of work, cut services and generally make life totally shit. Their plan is working, cos everybody hates the Lib Dems now, and no one will vote for you next time. Especially in Scotland, where allying yourself with the Tories is a bit like joining a girl band with Myra Hindley and Eva Braun. Nick Clegg pretended to be against nuclear weapons, but in power he's going to approve a new generation of mass death machines on the Clyde. They pretended they'd stop putting asylum seeker's kids in jail, but neglected to mention they'd deport them instead. they pretended they'd stop tuition fees going higher, but will rubber stamp plans to make it even harder for working class people to get an education. And they said they'd repeal the Digital Economy Act, but in fact are quite happy to see people punished for the unforgivable crime of downloading mp3s. In short Nick Clegg is a lying, two faced, posh sack of shit. He did well during the election because nobody had ever heard of him, and so he looked good against the other politicians they had hear of and hated. But it turns out he's just as much of a genital wart as David Cameron and Gordon Brown. He fits right into the cabinet full of millionaires, having grown up the son of a banker and going to an ultra posh school (when he wasn't skiing in the alps), just like his best pal/fuck buddy Dave. He might be in power now, but come the next election he'll be booted back into the 19th century with the rest of his Whig pals. We salivate at the prospect of their annihilation, and are preparing the way by sticking him in knobhead's corner. Congratulations Nick, you utter knobhead! When the Nick Clegg roadshow rolled into Maryhill in North Glasgow two days before the election, local SSY members ran down to grab a word with him � while the assembled Lib Dem hacks did their best to try and hide us from their saviour, behind... MASSIVE SIGNS!