LIFESTYLES
Cardella
By Tom Cardella Columnist
Autumn peeves
I
ing funnier than someone getting shot in the face by an old codger trying to prove his manhood. Maybe for good measure, someone could have figured out how to interfere with Cheney’s pacemaker, oh not for long, just long enough to get a really hearty laugh. Is roasting Cheney really a challenge? ... What are the Vegas odds the Kim Kardashian and Kanye West marriage lasting, at least long enough for when this column is printed for it still to be relevant? I thought Kanye’s proposal to Kim was surprisingly spontaneous. I mean, other than that he just happened to have a 16-carat rock to give her and AT&T Park just happened to be available. One can currently rent Kim’s sex tape On Demand (I just happened to be scrolling through the TV menu, that’s how I know, wise guy). ... Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst of Germany has been temporarily expelled by Pope Francis for spending $42 million to build himself a new residence. I hear he wanted to call the new edifice, St. Revel. Next up, Christine Flowers writes another column explaining how this shows the new pope is really a conservative despite what one reads in the liberal media because he’s not into spending other folks’ money. ... Today is Halloween. Who knew Halloween would become one of the most controversial holidays on the calendar? Some folks argue it’s akin to worshipping Satan and now it seems some folks are arguing Halloween should not be celebrated in secular schools because it is too religious. Can everyone just lighten up? Halloween is all about the candy if one’s a kid and if one’s an adult, it’s all about finding out whether you are a transgender (not that there’s anything wrong with it)... Is there really someone around here that misses Larry Mendte? According to the Daily News, he left his local gig for a New York TV station, but now says he will pop up in this area soon. So will the flu. ... Do we really need a milkshake with beer and bacon in it? There seems to be a trend going around of combining every unhealthy ingredient in one snack. Example: Combine a milkshake with a cannoli as its main ingredient; or a Wendy’s Baconater pretzel burger, which combines a double cheeseburger on a salty pretzel bun with six strips of bacon. I think the idea is either one dies quickly after one serving or becomes inoculated for life against heart disease. If we can have these snacks classified as a vaccine, maybe Medicare will cover it. I understand every Wendy’s will have an electronic defibrillator on the premises and a low-paid nurse. Nicki Minaj says she found her “American Idol” experience scary. My Uncle Nunzi told me that he finds Nicki Minaj scary. SPR Comment at southphillyreview.com/opinion/ cardella.
Diana (Mary Steenburgen) becomes quite chummy with two of the film’s chief male characters, including Paddy (Robert De Niro).
Worth the trip ■ By R. Kurt Osenlund Movie Reviewer
W
hile “Last Vegas” indeed spends scene after scene poking fun at its stars’ ages, don’t be fooled by the film’s tepid, off-putting, fogie-gag-filled trailer. This lovely lark of a movie handily exceeds expectations, becoming more than something easily written off as “The Hangover” for men of a certain age, and proving a warm and funny and entry in the new wave of 55-plus cinema. To call a film “harmless” sounds like faint praise, but in this case, let’s consider it a smooth way of acknowledging that “Last Vegas” doesn’t merely play like a paycheck gig for its dazzling cast. Headlined by four Oscar winners who are legends in their own right, the occasionally risqué comedy follows lifelong friends Billy (Michael Douglas), Paddy (Robert De Niro), Archie (Morgan Freeman) and Sam (Kevin Kline) as they rally together and hit Sin City to throw a bachelor party for Billy, who’s about to marry a bombshell young enough to be his granddaughter. Things get complicated when luminous lounge singer Diana (fellow Oscar winner Mary Steenburgen) enters the picture, and catches the eyes and hearts of Billy and Paddy. “Last Vegas” may not be Oscar bait itself, but it lands nearly every joke in its cheeky script, including one in which a smart-mouthed punk is told the four men are mob bosses, and another that sees De Niro get face-humped by the Speedorocking frontman of LMFAO. The film is a major rebound for director Jon Turteltaub, whose last effort was the abysmal “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice,” but it
shines brightest because of its stars, who are always steering it away from possible pitfalls. Few actors have played drunk more amusingly than Freeman does amid a club scene, wherein Archie’s had a few too many Red Bull and vodkas, and Kline is a riot as a man whose longtime wife gives him a free pass to cheat. The inevitable outcome of this offer is primed for maudlin bunk, but Kline plays it with poignant truth before delivering another zinger. That’s “Last Vegas” in a nutshell: Big heart, big laughs, big fun.
Last Vegas PG-13 Two-and-a-half-reels out of four Opens tomorrow at area theaters
Recommended Rental Passion R Available Tuesday
One of the best films of the year that no one’s bothered to tell you about, Brian De Palma’s “Passion,” a remake of the French thriller “Love Crime,” is a swoony, feverdreamy delight, starring Rachel McAdams and Noomi Rapace as sparring co-workers with an odd attraction and a sea of intrigue to wade through. What’s real? What’s not? Who cares? De Palma’s hypnotic technique, paired with his game duo of leading ladies, leaves you intoxicated. SPR Comment and see the trailers for this week’s movies at southphillyreview.com/arts-and-entertainment/movies.
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f you are a Republican, you can’t complain Obamacare isn’t working if you yourself did everything you could to make sure it doesn’t work. ... If you are a Democrat, you can’t defend the lousy Obamacare website by saying the president didn’t know about it. That doesn’t make it better; it makes the president look worse. ... If you don’t have health care, you can’t complain about it becoming mandatory to obtain health care because when you get sick, the rest of us pay for your care in the ER. ... If you have health care, why the hell are you complaining about Obamacare’s making it mandatory for freeloaders to buy health care, too? The “freedom” you’re protecting is the freedom for you to pay for the uninsured’s health care... If I’m Kathleen Sibelius, the secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services, I’m not going on the “Jon Stewart Show” for at least 10 years. ... Why did Vanity Fair think it necessary to airbrush Kate Winslet? What next, airbrushing the Mona Lisa? ... And why did she marry a guy named Ned Rocknroll? Was it because I wasn’t available? Kate, there were better choices out there. ... Are you as tired as me that the mayor and City Council can’t agree on how to get the money our schools need? Gentlemen, we’ve got a one-party system in Philadelphia. If you can’t make that work, what’s next, a dictatorship? ... Memo to Daniel Snyder, the owner of the pro football Washington Redskins: You claim you don’t want to change the team’s nickname because it has a “proud” history? The proud history to which you refer includes the refusal of former owner George Preston Marshall to put an AfricanAmerican player on his team until 1962. When Marshall died in ’69 he stipulated, according to The Daily Beast, that not one cent go to any charity or foundation that supports integration. So the Redskins not only use a racist slur for the team’s nickname, their previous owner was a racist. Suggestion to Mr. Snyder: you might want to change your team’s name to the Schmucks in honor of him and you. ... Former Secretary of State Dick Cheney was recently “roasted” at the Plaza Hotel in New York City. Predictably there were jokes about waterboarding and hunting accidents. Really? I’ve always loved a good waterboarding joke, and there’s noth-
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