The Pitch: February 13, 2014 by FW Publishing

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the pitch

Questionnaire

p Beth NyBeck

Artist/ sculptor

Hometown: Dubuque, Iowa Current neighborhood: Downtown metro What I do: I’m living my dream! I make large-

and small-scale metal sculpture. Most of my work lives within the public realm: in parks, airports, cities and college campuses. My work is abstract, tactile, interactive, and brings energy to an environment. I design and build all my work. I’m filthy all the time, my hands are not girlie, and I love tools.

nate, either. Pie, ice cream, chocolate, cookies, candy — I love it all. I also love homemade bread and have been known to take down a loaf at a time. Besides things food-related, I’m addicted to list making, editing and rewriting my to-do list. I have more lists than accomplishments at the end of most days.

What’s your game? I’m not going to lie, I love bingo. It almost always involves meeting and socializing with new people!

What’s your drink? The Rieger Hotel has a phenomenal bourbon drink called the Columbus Park. My classic favorite is an Old-Fashioned.

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My brush with fame: I recently purchased a hairbrush named “fame” and I use it on occasion.

“I always laugh at …” I’m an easy laugh. Weird

My 140-character soapbox: Downtown park-

What’s on your KC postcard? River Market on

“I’ve been known to binge-watch …” I don’t own a

a Saturday morning. People milling around everywhere, walking dogs, tons of conversation, coffee, and sun just peeking out!

efforts. KC has got it right in this area, not only in the arts. I think it is most evident in our restaurants, bars, bakeries and coffee shops — local chefs and entrepreneurs with dreams that people love to support. We have such insanely ballsy and creative people dreaming and doing, and our city supports it! So however that happened, other cities should figure that out.

“Kansas City screwed up when …” They decided not to build the Royals stadium downtown.

urbanites into the cultural scene downtown. We have incredible things happening in KC, and people in the thick of it know about it. More adventurous explorers from the outskirts are definitely welcome!

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My dating triumph/tragedy: I casually declined

and making art! The future is full of promise! I hope in five years, Justin and I will have our first child on the way, be a much better chef in the kitchen, have gallery representation in two major cities, and a home with some land and a garden!

Where’s dinner? My top three picks are Voltaire, Füd and Town Topic.

“Kansas City needs …” More infiltration of sub-

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“In five years, I’ll be …” Gosh, still alive, in love

things lately have been cat beards (Google it); TV broadcaster bloopers; my pastor, Scott Chrostek; and I have a pretty aloof cat, Maverick — he gets a chuckle from me daily.

Finish this sentence: “Kansas City got it right when …” Locals supported local grassroots

Your attacker has trained and is mentally prepared to meet you ....

S a b r i n a S ta i r e S

What’s your addiction? Sweets! I don’t discrimi-

television, so I don’t watch a whole lot of TV or movies. I will occasionally binge-watch shows online: The Office, House, Chicago Fire and The Mindy Project are on my list.

“I can’t stop listening to …” David Ramirez, the

my now fiancé for months and months before he swept me off my feet on our first date.

ing! Between people who can’t or think they are above smart parking and the city planners who are rapidly decreasing parking places in the metro, this is a frustrating issue for me as a downtown dweller.

What was the last thing you had to apologize for?

I make a lot of mistakes! I recently apologized to my fiancé for ruining one of his favorite sweatshirts when I wore it to the studio and accidentally started it on fire.

Head and the Heart, Josh Ritter, the National.

Who’s sorry now? I hope no one!

“I just read …” Love Does by Bob Goff, a fantastic

My recent triumph: I went to the Vegas Rock

book, and I’m in the middle of Wild by Cheryl Strayed, and I would highly recommend both!

The best advice I ever got: I live my life by this advice: What is the worst anyone can ever say? Ask fearlessly.

Worst advice: I often hear people say, “You can’t

do that,” which is such a damaging phrase people throw around. Rules are important to help maintain a sense of order. However, a good rule of thumb I employ is to think around what people conceive as normal, sensible and safe, artistically speaking.

My sidekick: “I’m a loner, Dottie. A rebel.”

’n’ Roll Marathon, not to run but to support my better half. I ended up running the last 10 miles with him and was able to share a huge victorious moment together. I should add that I’m not a runner, nor have I ever run 10 miles in my life … ever. So without training, I was surprised I could move the next day. I will be completing my first triathlon this year, thanks to that experience that unveiled a capacity I didn’t know I had! See Beth Nybeck and five other speakers at TEDxWyandotte: “Idea Generation(s): Exploring what spurs innovative ideas,” 9 a.m. Thursday, February 20, in the Performing Arts Center at Kansas City, Kansas, Community College.

news

Cable Guys

L I V E D J • N E W S O U N D S Y S T E M • PA R T Y L I G H T I N G By

9 : 30 pm-1 am

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S t e v e v ock rod t

Why do some Kansas senators want to help cable keep its monopoly?

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n Topeka, when industry money and cash- stance, Google Fiber, which has reached agreements with several cities in Johnson hungry politicians come together, you get County to roll out its network and has alsome curious ideas. And sometimes those ready started building in Wyandotte County. ideas become law. S.B. 304 has hit a snag in the Senate. A Among the battier notions dotting the hearing scheduled for February 4 before 2014 agenda so far is Senate Bill 304. It’s a pro-cable-industry measure that would out- the Commerce Committee was postponed law cities from building out their own broad- after skepticism erupted around the initial version of the bill, which would impose state band services and make it harder for them to cooperate with new private companies to do control over local efforts to build fiber-optic networks. the same. That doesn’t apply retroactively, so Among the naysayers was Kansas Rural it would help existing private cable compaCenter executive director Julie Mettenburg, nies maintain their monopolies. The bill came as a surprise to startup who said in a statement: “SB 304 appears to broadband entrepreneurs, who might have be a major step backward in the efforts of figured that the Republican-controlled Kan- Kansas and our local communities to grow our own future in ways that best suit local sas Statehouse would be pro–free market. needs.” But a measure that would stifle broadband Chanute’s leaders figured that they had competition isn’t a surprise to anyone taking a close look at campaign-finance reports, local needs in mind when they spent $20 which reveal that dominant cable provid- million on a fiber-optic network. If cable companies kept hiking their monthly rates, ers in Kansas are among the most prolific why not let the city build its own or invite lobbying interests. a competitor? The Kansas Cable Telecommunications Because the KCTA would prefer to mainAssociation brought S.B. 304 before the Senate Commerce Committee in January tain cable’s monopoly — an outcome that S.B. 304 would help ensure. after spending last year joining with other The KCTA’s president is John Federico, entrenched Kansas cable providers to make a busy lobbyist in Kansas several campaign contriwho also represents other butions to that committee, The KCTA spent $10,160 companies and associawhose 10 members didn’t tions. Several members of miss out on getting money in lobbying throughout the Commerce Committee from at least one major the year. That puts the enjoyed dinner on Federicable company or politico’s dime last year, accordcal action committee. All association on a par ing to lobbying records. told, cable-related compawith some of the biggest Federico himself spent nies or associations poured spenders in Topeka. $2,192 on meals with Kan$12,300 into the pockets of sas politicians in 2013, and Senate Commerce Comthe KCTA spent $10,160 in mittee members in 2013 lobbying throughout the year. That puts the alone. association on a par with some of the biggest Susan Wagle, a Wichita Republican who is spenders in Topeka. chairwoman of the committee, has received For a look at what that kind of spending $4,000 from the Kansas Cable TV Political buys, recall that gaming companies poured Action Committee since 2004. serious money into the Kansas Legislature Julia Lynn, an Olathe Republican who is for years, until the state came around to vice chairwoman of the same committee, passing the Kansas Expanded Lottery Act in has received $1,000 or more each from Com2007. That’s why Wyandotte County today cast, Cox Communications, Time Warner has the Hollywood Casino. Cable, and the Kansas Cable TV PAC since Of course, after lobbyists get what they becoming a Kansas senator in 2007. The bill was written by the Kansas Cable want, they tend to make themselves scarce. Gaming-industry cash has almost disapTelecommunications Association, the board members of which include staffers for Cox peared from the Kansas Statehouse. In 2013, Communications, Time Warner and Com- gaming lobbyists spent little more than $2,000 in Topeka. cast, among other dominant cable providers in Kansas. It aims to protect those old-guard companies from new competition — for inE-mail steve.vockrodt@pitch.com

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Photography by Chris Mullins

ou’ve heard it from your friends, and we’ve heard it from ours: Dating in kansas City is hard. well, sure — dating anywhere is hard. Sometimes you’re the heartbreaker, sometimes you’re the heartbroken, and sometimes there’s no heartbeat to start with. But now and then, we see a couple who clicks.

we notice the way they look at each other, we admire their ease and chemistry, and we feel a little hopeful. Because there are still smart, talented, sexy men and women out there, and they’re single. in fact, here are 14 of them: our crushworthy heartbreakers. Consider yourself introduced. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Sarah MiSkew

What’s your workout? Running around the Independence Events Center.

If you’re going to win Sarah Miskew’s heart, you better make nice with her shepherd-chowmutt mix, Lil’ Chew. Do that and you might — might — make your way onto this animal lover’s packed calendar. As director of marketing for the Independence Events Center, she’s behind some of the metro’s biggest events: Missouri Mavericks hockey games, Comets soccer matches, and big concerts like the Band Perry. But it’s not all games with Miskew, who melted our hearts by dressing up for the Mavs’ Star Wars Night as Princess Leia. Adorkable. Age: 37 Occupation: Director of marketing at the Independence Events Center Relationship status: Single What’s your go-to drink? Chilled glass of white wine Andre’s or Elbow? Why not both?

What’s your guiltiest entertainment pleasure?

Reality-TV shows about tattoo corrections, which is odd because I don’t even have a tattoo. Last Halloween, I dressed up as: Princess Leia — I loaned my Mr. McGibblets costume from FXX’s The League to a friend.

What’s the last thing that made you cry?

What physical feature are you a sucker for?

A great smile

Who’s on your crush list? Seth MacFarlane What’s the best way for someone to hit on you? Turn on the charm. What’s the lamest pickup line you’ve ever heard (or used)? A stormtrooper said, “Phasers

set to stunning!” to me at this year’s Missouri Mavericks Star Wars night. The date I want: Great conversation, lots of laughs and a night out on the town. The date I end up on: An awkward dinner with the male version of Saturday Night Live’s Debbie Downer

What’s your foolproof date restaurant?

Bluestem

Those ASPCA commercials get me every time. I wish more people would adopt from local shelters. What’s on your nightstand? Cellphone charger and several books, magazines and newspaper articles I’ve been meaning to read.

What’s the coolest thing in your home? My

dog, the Lil’ Chew

What are you most vain about? Let’s just say I’m hesitant to renew my driver’s license, especially if it means I have to walk around with a picture I don’t like for the next 10 years. pitch.com

If you want to impress me, feed me: Anything. If you know your way around a kitchen, consider me impressed because I can’t even boil water. What’s your deal breaker? A guy who would ask me to choose between him and my dog. FYI, the Lil’ Chew will win every time. Heartbreaker or heartbroken? Heartbroken continued on page 8 f e b r u a r y 1 3 - 1 9, 2 0 1 4

the pitch

Heartbreakers continued from page 7

AdAm RobeRts

Kansas City scream king Adam Roberts knows you love scary movies almost as much as he does. Along with his brother-in-law, the witty 26-year-old has transformed North Kansas City’s Screenland Armour (and its openingsoon Crossroads outpost) into a destination for movie fans and craft-beer lovers — the perfect place for, say, a date. It’s also a magnet for horror buffs, and Roberts writes and directs his own spooktacular features. Which means Roberts could invite you to a screening (lucky you) or maybe cast you in a project (luckier?). Age: 26 Occupation: Co-owner and operator of Screenland Armour and Crossroads, filmmaker Relationship status: Single What’s your go-to drink? People who know me know I’m a beer snob but also a beer whore.

I’m always sipping down delicious beers from Cinder Block, especially its Paver’s Porter. Andre’s or Elbow? Is this a wrestling question?

What’s your guiltiest entertainment pleasure?

I’m a big fan of Lena Dunham’s Girls. Any show that can go toe-to-toe with male perverted awkwardness, I’m in for. Last Halloween, I dressed up as: Patrick Bateman. What’s the last thing that made you cry? Probably that movie Blackfish if I watched it. And every song by Seal. What’s on your nightstand? Scott Pilgrim vinyl, Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark and a half-drank glass of water. What’s the coolest thing in your home? My camera What’s your workout? Punch-dancing my rage out in the forest.

What physical feature are you a sucker for?

A good smile

Who’s on your crush list? Kelly Kapowski, Cassie McCrady, Emma Stone What’s the best way for someone to hit on you? Quick wit What’s the lamest pickup line you’ve ever heard (or used)? A guy at the bar was asked,

“What can I get for you?” by the bartender. He responded, “Your number because I don’t have it.” The date I want: Funny Girl The date I end up on: Drunk and dumb girl What’s your foolproof date restaurant? Always a fan of Nara or Anton’s. Fortunately, they are across from each other. If you want to impress me, feed me: Something with garlic. Spice. And delicious booze pairing. What’s your deal breaker? Mega religious, judgmental, nonfunny jerkface jerk Heartbreaker or heartbroken? The Heartbreak Kid

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

dionne JeRoue

“It’s one of those songs that just takes you back to ... “ Dionne Jeroue pauses. The singer has taken maybe half a second to name Otis Redding’s “(Sittin’ on) the Dock of the Bay” as her favorite song, but now she’s trying to explain why. “It makes me feel so much,” she finally says. “I was a two-sport athlete in college, I was in the Army, I had a kid early — I’ve done a lot and so I identify with a song that says, ‘Screw it, I’m just going to sit down right here and think about some shit.” Jeroue doesn’t get to do much sitting, busy as she is with her day job as a medical-malpractice consultant, and with modeling and acting. And there’s all the singing she does around town. So when she gets to that Redding number, she makes it count. “It feels good to my soul,” she says. Cue the whistling. Age: 35 Occupation: Medical malpractice consultant, jazz singer, model, actress

Relationship status: Single What’s your go-to drink? Jameson What’s your guiltiest entertainment pleasure? Nancy Grace Mysteries. I feel dirty just typing that.

Last Halloween, I dressed up as: a naughty,

naughty devil.

What’s on your nightstand? Glad you didn’t ask what’s in it! A lamp, an alarm clock and a bottle of water. What are you most vain about? Apparently, my hair. A few months ago, I went to a salon for a trim, and the girl jacked it up, and I had to get it all cut off and start over. I’ve never been more preoccupied and upset by an aspect of my appearance before. And by upset, I mean I have to stop myself from fantasizing about waiting for her in a parking lot and shaving a strip of hair right down the middle of her dome, like a reverse skunk. What’s your workout? Distance running.

What physical feature are you a sucker for?

Lips. It’s one of the first things I notice. Who’s on your crush list? President Obama, Idris Elba and Denzel Washington, forever and always, amen.

What’s the best way for someone to hit on you? Just say hi and act like a grown-ass man. The date I want: Dinner somewhere tasty, then live music.

The date I end up on: Dinner and abject

disappointment

What’s your foolproof date restaurant? PotPie If you want to impress me, feed me: Steak.

I’m drooling right now just thinking about it. What’s your deal breaker? I have a few … hundred: assholery, bad hygiene, rudeness, deception, ignorance, intolerance, creepy shit, smacking while eating, chewing with an open mouth, anything apelike. And Republicans. Heartbreaker or heartbroken? Heartbreaker fo sho.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Kelly JoHn ClARK

A word now about Kelly John Clark’s arms: nice. “There was a Facebook page that some of the students set up, a secret page,” the artist and Kansas City Art Institute instructor says. “I was spoken about as having very nice arms.” Clark has other reasons to feel confident these days. He’s a couple of months into a new relationship, and his artwork is all over the place: His drawings are part of a Plug Projects group exhibition at Omaha’s Bemis Center for Contemporary Arts; he’s a participant in City Ice’s February exhibition; and when we called him last Friday, he was on his way to Rockhurst’s Greenlease Gallery to help install Sunday Painter: Kansas City Plein Air Coterie, a show celebrating the outdoor-painting group he co-founded. But wait — are his arms that good? “I’d agree with it,” Clark says of that anonymous assessment. Age: 33 8

the pitch

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Occupation: Artist working in drawing, printmaking and painting, instructor in the printmaking department at KCAI Relationship status: Dating someone. What’s your go-to drink? Whiskey and soda water, with a lemon wedge. Also, the Rieger used to have a fig-infused bourbon I liked very much. Andre’s or Elbow? I like Annedore’s. Everything is adorable there. Last Halloween, I dressed up as: a humorless college instructor. It was entirely effective. What’s on your nightstand? An alarm clock, a broken lamp, a set of reading glasses from the drugstore, and probably one of my cats. What’s the coolest thing in your home?

I have a small but growing collection of drawings, prints and paintings, which I keep in a flat file in my home and take out from time to time to look at.

pitch.com

What physical feature are you a sucker for?

Top knots

Who’s on your crush list? My worldwide list includes Helen Mirren. My local list just became empty again. What’s the best way for someone to hit on you? I encourage you not to hit on me, please. What’s the lamest pickup line you’ve ever heard (or used)? Used on me: “I find you very

photogenic.” Yuck. The date I want: I would prefer not to drive. The date I end up on: I drive somewhere. What’s your foolproof date restaurant? Westport Café If you want to impress me, feed me: Cajun, Puerto Rican or Ethiopian. What’s your deal breaker? Can’t deliver a joke or tell a good story. Heartbreaker or heartbroken? On average, heartbroken

Matt Jacobs

What’s your workout? I’m a swimmer by choice, but lately I’ve taken up yoga.

“I used to joke that I was living my whole life inside of rectangles,” Matt Jacobs says. But the more work he does at Dolphin Frames, the more he finds his taste in art evolving. He recently fashioned a custom frame for an Ahram Park photo he acquired last year, a piece that’s more than just art to him. “It’s a reminder of friendship,” he says. “Ahram is great, and I love his work.” Jacobs also likes another of our Heartbreakers, Paul Anthony Smith; the two were once roommates, and Jacobs has one of Smith’s ceramic pieces. “It’s, like, a shell cast of a bomb,” he says. Park and Smith are advised to visit La Esquina, where Jacobs’ own art is now on display. Age: 26 Occupation: Artist, framer at Dolphin Frames Relationship status: Complicated What’s your go-to drink? Old-Fashioned Andre’s or Elbow? Elbow!

What’s your guiltiest entertainment pleasure? RuPaul’s Drag Race Last Halloween, I dressed up as: Last year

was kind of lame, but I was a busy drag queen the year before.

What’s the last thing that made you cry?

Honestly, I’m not really a crier, but it was prob-

What physical feature are you a sucker for? Always been a sucker for blond hair

and blue eyes.

Who’s on your crush list? Friend crush: Hank Eddins. He’s just one of my favorite people. Art crush: Garry Noland, Kansas City’s art sensei. I’m also onboard with America’s crush on Jennifer Lawrence. What’s the best way for someone to hit on you? Sincerely. What’s the lamest pickup line you’ve ever heard (or used)? I’m not big on pickup lines.

But I used to joke with friends in art school about trying to get dates by telling someone: “I think you would be great for my work.” Yuck. The date I want: Summertime weekend camping trip The date I end up on: Cold, fireless night at a KOA in Topeka

What’s your foolproof date restaurant?

ably some adorably funny Internet dog video. What’s on your nightstand? A lamp, a Henry Miller book and a very nice square of Plexiglas

What’s the coolest thing in your home?

I can’t say how I got this, but I have a cast

from a mold taken off the original Venus of Willendorf. What are you most vain about? I started sporting this beard a couple of months ago. At first, I was pretty self-conscious about it, but so far it’s been well-received.

Home cooking, for sure

If you want to impress me, feed me: Something I’ve wanted to try for a while. What’s your deal breaker? Guys with long nails or manicured eyebrows. Heartbreaker or heartbroken? My record is 50/50 right now.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

clinton Martens

Yeah, we could have asked the man who spends his nights as DJ Thundercutz to talk about his grooming habits (but you can see some of that for yourself) or his exes. But he’s a music man, and we had a music question. What are your V-Day make-out musts, dude? There’s no arguing with stone classics. To wit: Johnny Ace’s “Pledging My Love,” Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On,” Keith Sweat’s “Twisted,” Ben E. King’s “Stand By Me” and Otis Redding’s “These Arms of Mine.” What about those legs, though, DJ Thundercutz? Age: 31 Occupation: DJ Thundercutz Relationship status: Single What’s your go-to drink? I’ll take a scotch and water, hold the scotch — or a Kenyan coffee from Oddly Correct. Andre’s or Elbow? I’m ashamed to admit I’ve experienced neither. If either company would like to change that, then hit a bearded brotha’ up!

What’s your guiltiest entertainment pleasure? Creepily observing awkward interac-

tions among strangers.

Last Halloween, I dressed up as: A

Rastafarian.

What’s the last thing that made you cry? PBS’s Independent Lens had a piece on Arizona’s recently implemented immigration laws. Jorge Martinez, featured in the piece, was arrested and sent to Immigration Services to possibly be deported to Mexico but was released on humanitarian grounds. That moment when he was able to re-embrace his son …

What’s on your nightstand? 45 RPM records.

Everything else is irrelevant.

What’s the coolest thing in your home? The roof over my head. Shelter is coooool! What are you most vain about? My opinions, because they are superior. What’s your workout? I was selected as a “Heartbreaker” for a reason. Eh, who am I kidding? Bicycling. What physical feature are you a sucker for? A drop-dead-gorgeous face! A natural

dame makes me weak in the knees, and every other pleasant feature after that is just a bonus. I’m willing to broker a deal: If women wear a little less makeup, men must

remove the sock(s) from their pants, ya dig? Who’s on your crush list? Your mom

What’s the best way for someone to hit on you? Just make fun of me. I love to laugh at myself, and you should, too.

What’s the lamest pickup line you’ve ever heard (or used)? “I know milk does a body

good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?” It’s all in the delivery. The date I want: Royals day game, sushi at Nara, music at Riot Room, sweatpants at home The date I end up on: The one where I’m waiting for a text-message confirmation: “We’re still on for this evening, right?” I’m still waiting.

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What’s your foolproof date restaurant? The Drop. Their bruschetta is affordable and muy delicioso! I find that eating with your fingers just takes the undesirably formal edge off that usually accompanies dating. If you want to impress me, feed me: Boobs or baklava. Both are equally gratifying. What’s your deal breaker? Refusing to treat your fellow human with dignity and compassion. Heartbreaker or heartbroken? Depends on which day of the week it is. I’ve worn both shoes, and neither is appealing. continued on page 11 f e b r u a r y 1 3 - 1 9, 2 0 1 4

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Heartbreakers

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continued from page 9

Definitely kind eyes

What physical feature are you a sucker for?

Winifred Wright

“I feel like I cheated,” Winifred Wright says. And by any reasonable measure, she’s right — it’s unfair how fast she and her boyfriend of a month and a half were able to figure each other out. But that’s what happens when a styleeyed man who has been living in another city starts dating a self-described “architecturally inclined” woman with her own knack for detail. (Wright has a master’s degree in architecture, and she just wrapped up 18 months of work on the National Museum of the United States Army, a Virginia space that should open later this decade.) “We’re very like-minded about what we like in a living space: a good kitchen, natural light, efficiency.” They agree about what they dislike in a home, too — but they can worry about that later. Age: 27 Occupation: Museum designer Relationship status: In a relationship What’s your go-to drink? Alcoholic: gin gimlet; nonalcoholic: grapefruit La Croix or hot jasmine tea Andre’s or Elbow? Growing up, I remember hearing how my parents’ wedding cake was from Andre’s, and it was always an extraspecial treat to go with Grandma to the tearoom. Now that Kansas City is expanding and new concepts are emerging, I really do enjoy the contemporary freshness Elbow has to offer. Christopher’s chocolate is sexy and hip, which really draws me in.

Who’s on your crush list? My boyfriend, Dayton, is totally at the top of my crush list. He’s pretty much the best. A close second is Jennifer Lawrence. I have a total lady crush on her. What’s the best way for someone to hit on you? I really don’t like being “hit on,” per se.

I enjoy a more organic connection through sincere conversation. But if someone were to attempt it, I would suggest they ask me out on a real date. The date I want: I’m going to change “want” to “most enjoy.” The date I most enjoy is one where thoughtfulness has been employed. If it is unique or quirky, that’s great. I don’t like to work too hard to have a good time, so something simple is always a sure bet. The date I end up on: Maintaining a certain amount of flexibility has always proved an asset. The date I normally end up on is a fun one, because I make sure of it. What’s your foolproof date restaurant? Vietnam Café, hands down.

What’s your guiltiest entertainment pleasure? Klondike Solitaire, for sure. If we are

talking TV or film, I will have to go with Downton Abbey or Harry Potter. Last Halloween, I dressed up as: Leeloo Dallas from The Fifth Element.

What’s the last thing that made you cry?

A pretty rough breakup. That took a lot of tears, but I learned a lot during the process

of grieving, mostly about myself. What’s on your nightstand? A cookbook, eucalyptus, a La Croix, and my phone What are you most vain about? This is a tough question to answer because I don’t really like being vain, but I suppose everyone is to some extent. I’m probably most vain about my personality. What’s your workout? Does eating count?

If you want to impress me, feed me:

Knowledge.

What’s your deal breaker? Deal breaker in a potential partner is an inability to listen. Differences are much easier to handle and celebrate when both people can listen well. Heartbreaker or heartbroken? I’ve been on both sides of this fence many times, but I think people generally perceive me as more of a heartbreaker due to my independent nature.

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AAron ChvAtAl

Aaron Chvatal is serious about his old yarn — even if his new boyfriend isn’t. “He thinks it’s kitschy as shit, but I love it,” Chvatal says. That would be the crewel pieces he finds in thrift stores. “The start of my collection was my aunt. That’s what she did when she was first married.” (The marriage didn’t last, but the fabric presumably did.) Chvatal is even more serious about costuming performers, work he has done since high school. He just finished his master’s degree at UMKC, with an eye for the opera house. “I really like going into fantasy world — historic costumes that don’t exist anymore or pieces that never existed,” he says. Also, OK’ing his boyfriend’s street clothes. “He’s got pretty good taste. I just like to change his jeans wash sometimes.” Age: 27-3/4 Occupation: Freelance costume designer Relationship status: Seeing someone What’s your go-to drink? Whiskey ginger (bourbon and ginger ale) Andre’s or Elbow? Both — I can’t play favorites when chocolate is involved.

What’s your guiltiest entertainment pleasure? Connie Carlysle. Love her vintage style. What’s the last thing that made you cry? Brian’s death on Family Guy

Who’s on your crush list? Ryan Gosling What’s the best way for someone to hit on you? Didn’t I already mention I was vain about my hair? Or tell me you saw a show I costumed, and that you loved it.

What’s the lamest pickup line you’ve ever heard (or used)? “I wish you were my little

toe, because I want to bang you on every piece of furniture in the house.” The date I want: My boyfriend takes me out for pho, then we hit up a vintage store or a thrift shop, and end up with a movie and a fire in his fireplace. I’m a simple guy. The date I end up on: See above. I caught a good one.

What’s your foolproof date restaurant?

What’s on your nightstand? A vintage Lucite grape lamp and a copy of Dan Brown’s Inferno What’s the coolest thing in your home? My wall of crewel work (vintage yarn art)

What are you most vain about? My hair What’s your workout? Hauling costumes

Vietnam Café at Sixth and Campbell. Pho is my comfort food, and theirs is the best in town. It’s also a litmus test. If they aren’t willing to try something new, they aren’t the one. If you want to impress me, feed me: A steak with a glass of bourbon on the side. What’s your deal breaker? Physically? Lack of chest hair. Mentally? Lack of passion, in whatever your field may be. Heartbreaker or heartbroken? Heartbreaker

What physical feature are you a sucker for? Eyes and chest hair

continued on page 12

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Heartbreakers continued from page 11

Kristin Kenney

Kristin Kenney wants to start you up. As a technology lawyer at Polsinelli, she helps the city’s dreamers and doers go from startup to seller. And she doesn't stop starting at 5 o’clock. Kenney helped found the Athena League, dedicated to empowering women entrepreneurs across many fields. All of this is impressive, but she also knows how to make a style impression: Think Audrey Hepburn and a blue tuxedo for New Year’s. Color us disrupted. Age: 32 Occupation: Technology attorney at Polsinelli Relationship status: Dating someone new What’s your go-to drink? A great glass of red wine or cider. (And, yes, I know it tastes just like the apple juice you drank as a kid. I still love it!) Andre’s or Elbow? Elbow! My two favorites are sea salt and rosemary. What’s the last thing that made you cry? Bridges of Madison County. Gets me every time! What’s on your nightstand? My phone, East of Eden (one of my all-time favorites) and a bunch of other books I haven’t gotten to yet. What’s the coolest thing in your home? I have three brain-scan lightboxes that are part of a beautiful series created by Lee Tracy, a

friend and artist I worked with in Chicago. What are you most vain about? Fashion. I spend too much money on clothes and shoes. What’s your workout? Weights and cardio

What physical feature are you a sucker for?

Tall guys with great smiles Who’s on your crush list? Funny nerds! I like guys who are smart, confident and have a great sense of humor.

What’s the best way for someone to hit on you? Be confident and genuine. The date I want: Involves lots of laughs, wine and good food.

The date I end up on: Usually, it still involves lots of laughs, wine and good food, but may be in yoga pants on the couch instead of going out. What’s your foolproof date restaurant? Julian in Brookside. The food is amazing, the owner/staff are great, and they allow dogs on the patio. Bonus: It’s really close to my house! If you want to impress me, feed me: Something I haven’t tried before. Or steak. What’s your deal breaker? It’s important that my guy and I have chemistry, mutual respect and lots of fun. Heartbreaker or heartbroken? Both

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Michelle Dreher isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty. That’s her job when she’s hand-carving illustrations and working with three vintage Vandercook letterpresses and an 1898 Chandler & Price platen press. We’ve long been admirers of Dreher’s colorful, bold prints of dinosaurs, ghost ships and alien abductions. But the creative force behind Two Tone Press won our hearts with her anti–Valentine’s Day cards, holding such snarky slogans as “You’ll do … for now” and “Cupid makes me cringe.” We’d be happy to get the one that reads, “I hate you” — as long as Dreher was the one sending it. Age: 34 Occupation: Co-owner of Two Tone Press Relationship status: Single What’s your go-to drink? Gotta have my coffee in the morning. Later on, a good dry red Malbec is a nice way to end the evening. Andre’s or Elbow? C. Elbow all the way. They’re almost too pretty to eat. Almost.

What’s your guiltiest entertainment pleasure?

I love board games, like Cranium and 7 Wonders. Also, my marathon nights of The X-Files.

What’s the last thing that made you cry?

Could be sad puppies on TV or an inspiring story I read about or the part in The Wrath of Khan when Spock dies … gets me every time. What’s the coolest thing in your home? A giant bathroom mirror made by a friend of mine. It has a handmade ceramic frame around it with the word “VANITY” across the top and a bunch of round globe lights. It makes you feel like a rock star.

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ing sense of humor. However, I have more of a dry sense of humor, so I probably find things funny that other people might not.

What’s the lamest pickup line you’ve ever heard (or used)? I can’t really think of any lame

pickup lines, but this one time, I was taking a nude-figure drawing class, and the male model asked me out afterward. Awkward. The date I want: I think it’s really attractive if a guy can cook, so I would love for someone to make me an awesome meal complete with a nice red wine or a good stout beer. I don’t think there are too many ladies out there who like stouts the way I do. The date I end up on: I usually end up going out to dinner on dates, which is OK, too. I do think going to the movies is the worst idea ever. I love movies, but the point of a date is to get to know the other person, so why would you go to a place where you’re not supposed to talk?

What’s your foolproof date restaurant?

What are you most vain about? Being the owner of a print shop. I have four presses, which are all named after ’80s pop stars. What physical feature are you a sucker for? I like facial hair like that rough 5 o’clock shadow look over the clean-cut look. That look that says you don’t mind getting your hands dirty. Who’s on your crush list? Chris Pine is pretty hot, but I know Paul Rudd is from Kansas City, so I wouldn’t mind bumping into him on the street. What’s the best way for someone to hit on you? Just make me laugh. I like a good easygo-

I like Harry’s Country Club, which is nice and casual. The food is simple, and they have quite a beer list. Top that off with the best jukebox in town, and I’m a happy camper. If you want to impress me, feed me: Something homemade (hopefully something good so I don’t have to pretend to like it just to be polite). What’s your deal breaker? Smoking is a deal breaker for me. When I worked at a coffee place, people would come in from outside, and the smell was just overwhelming … total turnoff. Heartbreaker or heartbroken? I’d have to say a little of both.

Paul anthony smith

This weekend, Paul Anthony Smith makes Dallas his valentine by showing up to open his part of a group exhibition in that city’s Oliver Francis Gallery. “It’s part of my occupation as an artist, traveling for exhibitions and shows,” he says. That includes his trip to last year’s Venice Biennale. With bookings likely to come this year in New York and Chicago, the former art handler and preparator at the Nelson-Atkins may not be around here long enough for your crush to go nuclear. That’s probably safer for you, though, right? Age: 26 Occupation: Visual artist Status: Single What’s your go-to drink? Guinness extra stout Andre’s or Elbow? Elbow

What’s your guiltiest entertainment pleasure? Traveling Last Halloween, I dressed up as: Myself. What’s the last thing that made you cry?

Speaking to a friend of past events. What’s on your nightstand? It’s usually my phone. What’s the coolest thing in your home? Photo albums of images What’s your workout? Thirty minutes elliptical and various weights afterward

What physical feature are you a sucker for?

Confidence

Who’s on your crush list? Esther Honig What’s the best way for someone to hit on

you? A compliment The date I want: The date I want is more

of a fishing excursion followed by an evening of fun. The date I end up on: Lunch date. I go out for lunch a few times a week, and why not share a meal with someone while getting to

know them.

What’s your foolproof date restaurant? Ko-

rma Sutra in Westport

If you want to impress me, feed me: Dark-

chocolate croissants.

What’s your deal breaker? Cigarette smoking Heartbreaker or heartbroken? Both

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Rebecca aRmstRong

If you get a cha nce to hear Rebecca A rmstrong talk about her art, listen. She’ll explain that she makes gig posters for friends’ bands —and does it for free — because it makes them happy. (It also gets her art out in the world.) While you’re at it, ask her about the pro bono work she does for American Advertising Federation–Kansas City, which each year serves as the agency of record for a nonprofit, such as Sleepyhead Beds (which gives beds to children in need), reStart (which helps the city’s homeless population) and REbel (which educates kids about disorders). It’s no wonder she was named Ad 2 Council’s 2013 volunteer of the year. Are you ready to volunteer your heart to her? Age: 27 Occupation: Freelance designer, part-time marketing coordinator and designer at Charlotte Street Foundation Relationship status: Single What’s your go-to drink? Whiskey ginger ale or Boulevard Double-Wide Andre’s or Elbow? Elbow. I’m a sucker for the lavender and champagne chocolates. What’s your guiltiest entertainment pleasure? Alton Brown (Good Eats on Food Network). He’s a genius. Last Halloween, I dressed up as: Katniss Everdeen.

What’s the last thing that made you cry? Her What’s on your nightstand? On the Road by Jack Kerouac and my Wacom tablet What’s the coolest thing in your home? My signed Radiohead poster or my life-size

skeleton that my roomie and I dress up for the holidays. What are you most vain about? My design work. Sometimes I think it’s pretty rad. What’s your workout? Roller-skating or yoga What physical feature are you a sucker for? Big, pretty grins Who’s on your crush list? Young Paul Newman, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Tina Fey if I were into gals. What’s the lamest pickup line you’ve ever heard (or used)? Heard: “Let’s get out of here. You be Lewis, I’ll be Clark, and she [pointing at my friend] can be the Trail.” Inventive, though, I’ll give them that. The date I want: Monet’s gardens in Giverny, France. OK, realistically, a nice local restaurant (extra points for trying somewhere new), craft beers and some live jazz or local band. The date I end up on: Some kind of sports bar and grill, and I don’t even watch sports. What’s your foolproof date restaurant? Jerusalem Café If you want to impress me, feed me: Drinks at Manifesto. What’s your deal breaker? Drummers. No, just kidding! Bad hygiene and/or no goals in life. Heartbreaker or heartbroken? I’ve probably been a little of each.

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Heartbreakers

What physical feature are you a sucker for?

Piercing eyes are always something that will catch me off-guard. Attitude goes a long way, too, in making physical features pop. Confidence is sexy, shyness can be cute, etc. Who’s on your crush list? Well, if we are speaking about celebrity crushes, I definitely have to go with Natalie Portman. Beyond her obvious physical attractiveness, I really like the roles she seems to put herself in, and I feel like that gives insight into the kind of person she is … although, that assumption could be way off-base.

continued from page 13

Dustin Racen

Dustin Racen was just like any other dude, talking about opening a bar with a buddy. Except that he and Chadwick Veach bought the vacated storefront at 1813 Grand and opened the Tank Room. Cool things from a sweet guy with a soft side. Ask him his guilty pleasure, and he’ll tell you that he likes to watch Disney movies. Ask him about his prized possession, and he’ll tell you about his great-grandfather’s baby grand piano. Ask him out, and he might just say yes. Age: 31 Occupation: President of Fountain Town Media and co-owner of the Tank Room Relationship status: Single What’s your go-to drink? Boulevard Wheat for lunch, Whiskey Coke at night, Coors Light with the boys Andre’s or Elbow? Elbow for sure! I used to work in California for my aunt and uncle, who owned a fine-chocolate shop very similar to Christopher Elbow, and really came to love the artistry involved in making chocolates like that. Besides, Elbow is local. I have bought quite a few chocolates from there in my day.

What’s your guiltiest entertainment pleasure?

Probably some of the older Disney movies. I love The Sword in the Stone, Robin Hood, and The Fox and the Hound. In fact, I have watched all three of those in the last month. What’s the last thing that made you cry? I don’t remember specifically, but I am sure it

What’s the best way for someone to hit on you? Directly, I suppose. The date I want: The company makes the

was a movie I watched. I can definitely get choked up over a sad movie. What’s on your nightstand? Lamp, clock, phone charger, home protection What’s the coolest thing in your home? I think it would have to be my great-grandfather’s baby grand piano. It is an early 1900s Chickering that he got when he was pretty young and has been passed through the family. What are you most vain about? Probably shoes and jackets. I am sure I own too many of both.

date. It doesn’t matter where you are or what you’re doing. If there is no connection, it can be awkward for everyone. So I guess a date with good company is the best place to start. If that’s there, the rest will be fine. The date I end up on: I guess I don’t date enough to have one that sticks in my mind as one I usually end up on. What’s your foolproof date restaurant? If she’s cool with Grinders, I’m cool with her. If you want to impress me, feed me: Anything homemade. What’s your deal breaker? Even though I don’t speak about them too much, I have pretty strong political, philosophical and religious views. If someone’s worldview is drastically different than mine, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong, but we would probably not last too long. Heartbreaker or heartbroken? Hasn’t everyone been both?

Each week, Pitch Street Team cruises around to the hottest clubs, bars and concerts. You name it, we will be there. While we are out, we hand out tons of cool stuff. So look for the Street Team... We will be looking for you!

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First Friday in the Crossroads

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anna Louise HoaRD

Like professional singers far and wide, Anna Louise Hoard won’t do without tea. Unlike your average diva, though, she doesn’t skimp on the spice on a big night. “I need pho,” she says. “I like hot, spicy soup before a performance.” She’s eating a lot of it lately because her gig calendar is full and getting fuller. It’s her first season with the Kansas City Chorale, which means traveling to Arizona and Canada and a recording session, and she’s part of the new-music-intensive Black House Collective, among other ensembles. “I have to schedule two weeks out with friends,” she says. Totally worth the wait. Age: 26 Occupation: Mezzo-sopra no a nd collaborator-at-large Relationship status: Single What’s your go-to drink? This winter has been perfect for hot toddies at home. I make them with rye whiskey, maple syrup, and a pao flower tisane from Kansas City’s own Shang Tea. I’ll add a grapefruit wedge if I’m feeling fancy. Andre’s or Elbow? I’m sorry, what did you say? I was distracted by this Manos Chocolates citrus-hibiscus bar.

What’s your guiltiest entertainment pleasure? Sci-fi as dreamed up by Joss Whedon.

What’s your workout? I walk a lot, and then I stretch, and sometimes I go dancing. What physical feature are you a sucker for? Shoulders! Who’s on your crush list? Jeff Buckley,

Sandra Oh, Joyce DiDonato as Bellini’s Romeo.

What’s the best way for someone to hit on you? Beauty- and justice-oriented innovators get me all Twitter-pated. Be excited about what you do and explain it to me.

Randy Rogers @ Uptown

What’s the lamest pickup line you’ve ever heard (or used)? “Can I get 50 cents and your

Last Halloween, I dressed up as: Wednes-

day Addams.

What’s the last thing that made you cry? A

prison documentary

What’s on your nightstand? Aromatic

houseplants

What’s the coolest thing in your home? A twisty, fuzzy, Seussian purple houseplant What are you most vain about? My houseplants

phone number?” It half worked. The date I want: I love a good project. Who wants to build a vermicompost bin or go mushroom hunting or reupholster the antique chaise longue that’s been languishing in my basement? The date I end up on: Brunch. I love brunch, too. What’s your foolproof date restaurant? The Farmhouse. For brunch! If you want to impress me, feed me: Guess. What’s your deal breaker? If a suitor didn’t enjoy my family, it would never work out. They are the best. Heartbreaker or heartbroken? Enough of each, I hope.

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ig. Heifer. Whale. The slurs familiar to the overweight share a crucial premise: If you’re fat, you’re less than human. Playwright Neil LaBute fires back shots of his own at our image-obsessed culture in his beauty plays, a treatise-in-triptych: The Shape of Things, Reasons to Be Pretty and Fat Pig. Fat Pig is as brutal and direct as LaBute’s title suggests, and the Living Room’s production highlights that brutality with innovative staging and evocative performances. The cabaret-style seating crowds you around the small set, at diner-issue high-top tables. The opening scene plays out in a crowded restaurant; the audience supplies the ambience. As the houselights fade, we witness a giddy scene: Helen (“of Troy,” one character suggests, Greek tragedy in mind), a plus-sized librarian, and Tom, an attractive and affable professional, meet cute. Tom is quickly infatuated, falling for Helen’s lilting laugh and genuine, as Carter, Tom’s shallow work buddy. He chews self-deprecating humor. Helen is unashamed the fat and shoots Nerf basketball with the of her weight, a cardinal sin in a world that smooth confidence of a pickup artist, feignfetishizes slimness. “I’m pretty all-right with ing curiosity as he wonders aloud whether who I am now,” she admits. “The trick is getting Jeannie’s ass is getting flabby. (It isn’t.) We’ve other people to be OK with it.” all met guys like him before, but rarely do we Director Bryan Moses teases outstanding performances from the show’s small cast. As get to peek under the hood. McAndrews commits so fully and unapologetically to the role Helen, Kenzie West introduces us to a smarter, savvier breed of ingénue. She gives Helen a that Carter’s philosophy can’t help but prick the corners of our noblest aspirations. Miss Honey sweetness, with a rich, resonant It nags at Tom, too: “I don’t even get why I voice that underscores the character’s truth telling: “I don’t really have much time for fic- like you,” he lashes out, after Carter plasters a photo of Helen across the office for ridition,” she tells Tom about her reading tastes, cule. “Because you’re like and we sense the warning me,” Carter retorts. He’s not underneath. Fat Pig really wrong. LaBute paints Tom as Through February 23 Each of LaBute’s beauty an empathetic Everyman at the Living Room plays requires multiple setstruggling to keep his foot1818 McGee tings and scene changes, ing while societal pressures thelivingroomkc.com and Fat Pig is no exception. and beauty ideals duke it out Moses and the Living Room with his growing attraction Motherhood Out Loud turn to promenade theater to Helen. Bob Linebarger Spinning Tree Theatre for a solution, moving the makes the character clumsy Through February 16 audience to a new stage and gentle, amping up the at Off Center Theatre space at the end of each awkwardness of Tom’s earCrown Center, 2450 Grand scene. It feels a little like a nest courting to Michael Cera spinningtreetheatre.com progressive dinner party, levels while swimming in a one that reconfigures the series of baggy suits. space’s feel with each new course. As Jeannie, Tom’s strident co-worker and What that choice wins in novelty and varionetime lover, Liz Golson brings surprising ety, however, it sacrifices in momentum. No nuance to one of LaBute’s least likable roles. matter how efficiently the crew shepherds us, She masters Jeannie’s hairpin turns from cool the time spent on travel and crowd control saps comedienne to crazed ex, infusing the play’s cumulative drive from the play, preventing us Skinny Bitch with complexity and compassion. When she finally sees Tom’s “fat cow” of a new from fully absorbing the impact of each beergut-twisting scene. girlfriend, her humiliation is palpable, like heat The technical elements themselves are hancoming off a road. Hell hath no fury like a svelte dled simply and effectively. Lighting designer woman scorned. John “Moose” Kimball does an admirable job Matthew James McAndrews is phenomenal

Love in a LaBute play? Fat chance. handling multiple plots, and Joseph Concha’s sound design gives us a series of amusingly unforgivable musical puns (“Skinny Love” and Sarah McLachlan’s “Ice Cream,” among others). The music factors into the finale, too, as LaBute turns to the emotional engine of any tragedy, catharis, with stage directions that require both characters to end the show in “big, rolling tears.” Yet it’s hard to feel the couple’s pain acutely in the face of a script that treats its characters with cruelty and contrived cynicism. To the extent that LaBute has written a tragedy, he has at least given Tom a fatal flaw: his unwillingness to stand up to others’ scorn. Fate, cloaked here as human nature, is inescapable. Fat might as well be, too.

MOTHERHOOD OUT LOUD

o say we muse a lot about motherhood understates our obsession with the subject. The birthing and raising of children is, like sex, experienced from a variety of predilections. Maternity infiltrates religion, nationality and culture, and inspires works of art and literature. And so now comes Motherhood Out Loud, a short play on an endlessly multifaceted subject. The 90-minute one-act, staged by Spinning Tree Theatre and directed by Andy Parkhurst, is a series of 19 vignettes by 14 accomplished writers (12 of them women), including Theresa Rebeck, Lisa Loomer, Luanne Rice, David Cale, Beth Henley and Marco Pennette. Its five chapters offer an entertaining, often poignant

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reflection on life’s cycle. Much of it is familiar, and some of it cliché, yet four talented local actors, together as an ensemble and in solo bits, render many of this work’s different parents in touching ways. In Chapter One’s “Squeeze, Hold, Release,” Julie Shaw sensitively portrays both a mother and a daughter, reluctantly seeing her own mother off after bringing her new baby home. With humor and sentiment, the short monologue underscores the fear and the responsibility inherent in child rearing. And in a particularly affecting “Queen Esther,” Shaw shines as a mother caught in the cross hairs of gender expectations and her young son’s need to dress as a girl. In “Baby Bird,” Kelly Main gives a poised and quietly powerful performance as a woman with both a biological son and an adopted Chinese daughter who endures impertinent queries from strangers about the makeup of her family. Main transmits anxiousness in “Michael’s Date,” as she chauffeurs her 15-yearold autistic son on his first outing with a girl, and she conveys a different kind of connection in “Stars and Stripes” as a mother whose son soldiers in Afghanistan. More third wheel than primary caretaker, Natalie Liccardello stands out in a family divided by divorce in “My Almost Family.” And as nonconformism incarnate, Liccardello depicts a young mother entering playground and play-date culture in “New to the Motherhood.” Not to be outdone by the preponderance of mothers, Rick Truman brings us one of a different sort in the amusing “If We’re Using a Surrogate, How Come I’m the One With Morning Sickness.” There’s some triteness in this monologue about a gay man’s participation in parenthood, which now seems almost as commonplace as a woman’s (almost), but there’s also wit in how this man navigates a society preoccupied with sameness. Some children return home, as does Truman’s grown son, in “Elizabeth,” sadly finding his elderly mother unwell — and himself in a new relationship dynamic. These reflections on family aren’t groundbreaking, nor do they forge new territory. We connect to these stories (and identify with some of them) because they’re familiar. Though the perspectives are diverse, they’re also bound by a contrary uniformity: All of them are American, and primarily middle- or upper-middle-class. Does this detract? A little. But the voices are strong, and they add up to an enjoyable — sometimes tender — night of theater. — Deborah Hirsch

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hat does it take to win the “Kansas City Sweetheart Award”? Not charm. Not good looks. Not even congeniality. Hint: sugar. Actually, sugar is just one component of The Pitch Sugar Rush, where many of Kansas City’s finest restaurants, bakeries and candy makers compete for top honors. The third annual sweets-and-dessert expo is held from 6 to 8 p.m. Thursday, February 20, at the Promise Wedding & Event Space (1814 Oak). The other ingredient is you. As in: You go, you sample goods from the vendors, and then you vote for your favorite. (Tickets to the event cost $12; see getasugarrush.com.) Last year’s Sweetheart Award winner, Anthony Accurso of Accurso’s Italian Restaurant (4980 Main), served samples of his grandmother’s cheesecake. This year, he’s coming back — and introducing a new cheesecake. “I’m doing a traditional cheesecake on a red-velvet-cake crust,” Accurso says. “We’ll also be serving a chocolate ganache and at least one other pastry.” Also among the 15 or so vendors at Sugar Rush are the owners of the new Ariana Restaurant (1130 West 103rd Street), with their shir berenj, the creamy, cardamom-flavored Afghan rice pudding; and organic chocolatier Zachary Manos, who plans to offer several samples from his namesake chocolate line. Manos is particularly proud of his Helio Cups, a spin on the peanut butter cup, made with sunflower seeds and mesquite powder. “It’s more mellow than a peanut butter cup,” Manos says of his handmade treat, “but the taste is pretty close.” Another local candy maker, Heather Garza of Garza’s Goodies (322 West 85th Street), says she’ll have chocolate samples from the familyrun confectionary in Waldo. New to the event is the five-month-old

Pumping up at Sugar Rush Nothing Bundt Cakes (13420 Metcalf, Overland Park), offering “bundt bites”: sample-size cakes in at least three of the shop’s 10 flavors. “We’ll definitely be bringing chocolate chocolate chip, red velvet, and white-chocolate raspberry,” manager Alex Edwards says. Phil Bourne, owner of Waldo Pizza (7433 Broadway), makes his first foray into the competition, serving his rich “gooey butter cake” and “gooey butter” cookies. “We make them in-house,” he says, “and there are at least four sticks of butter in each cake. I’m from St. Louis, and we’re resurrecting a famous St. Louis pastry at the restaurant.” Another first-time Sugar Rush contender: Our Sassy Pantry, owned by Marisa Roberts and Kay Findlay, local chefs who make and package unusual and exotic jams. Findlay’s daughter Grace tells The Pitch that at Sugar Rush, they plan to serve chocolate tarts with bacon jam, strawberry-margarita-jam cupcakes, and blueberry-jam cocktail shooters. Celeste Gant, of Kansas City Cupcake Co., says she’s serving mini-cupcake versions of her hottest item, the Oh My Gosh Ganache. “It’s chocolate cake with a vanilla-cream center and a chocolate-ganache frosting,” Gant says. “Yes, it’s fattening, but I’m your baker, not your doctor.” Other vendors: the Funnel Cake Truck, Grace’s Best Petite Cookies (in supermarkets), the Melting Pot (450 Ward Parkway), Addictions Cupcakery (8512 Northwest Prairie View Road), Carma (11526 Ash, Leawood), and Parkville Coffee (103 Main, Parkville). The winner of the “Kansas City Sweetheart” receives an attractive — but inedible — plaque.

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couple of weeks ago, I didn’t know anything about chia seeds, the glitter of the antioxidant world. The grayish, mildly nutty kernels work on oatmeal or salads or even ice cream, delivering an unobtrusive dose of protein, healthy omega-3 fats and fiber. Along with kale and blueberries, they’re on the short list of foods ready to make you invincible — or at least help you survive flu season. But I didn’t learn that until after the cold January day when I noticed a shaker labeled “chia seeds” at the Whole Foods salad bar. I sang the Chia Pet jingle in my head (Ch-ch-ch-chia!) and reached for the ranch. But I had already unwittingly eaten the mysterious seeds in various desserts, thanks to Whole Foods’ $5 “Health Starts Here” meals, which — as prepared by the store’s Lisa Markley — are invariably wholesome and delicious, and often incorporate esoteric ingredients. After devouring Markley’s lunches every week for nearly a year — one of the highlights of my suburban office job — I decided to sign up for one of her cooking classes. Held next door to Whole Foods in the market’s Cooking Studio, the classes are designed to demystify healthy eating. With a Master of Science in nutrition from Bastyr University in Washington state and a certificate in dietetics from the University of Kansas Medical Center, Markley knows how to make Brussels sprouts taste like something other than toilet water. “I enjoy helping my customers overcome feeling intimidated of trying new foods that they have heard are good for them, but have no idea how to prepare in a way that actually tastes good,” Markley told me when I met her. At the class I attended, a lesson on how to cook with healthy fats, Markley used the studio’s gorgeous kitchen to make a nutritious version of ranch dressing with almond milk, lemon juice, raw cashews, and a variety of herbs and spices. She generously drizzled it on top of her own version of local vegetarian joint Eden Alley’s Avocado Vera Cruz salad. The colorful, filling mix of chopped veggies, beans and rice was sprinkled with pumpkin seeds, which she heated on a stovetop until they popped like popcorn. Dessert was a raw strawberry-apple, chia-seed crisp dusted with cinnamon, which gave the dish a pleasant dimension of warmth. My 10 classmates were all attentive and curious, ready with questions about the benefits of grapeseed oil and how to doctor Markley’s ranch dressing to trick their kids

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into eating it. Some people devoured the salad more enthusiastically than others; we weren’t all in the same place on the road to eating differently. If we weren’t quite ready to toss our dairy products in favor of soy yogurt and almond milk, we were at least willing to consider it. As a regular consumer of Markley’s meals, I wasn’t surprised at my impulse to lick the plate when I finished eating. But in this instructional setting, I imagined myself trying these dishes 10 years ago, when “cooking dinner” meant microwaving some Easy Mac. I would have been pleasantly surprised that a dish containing no processed cheeses or pasta-related elements could be so satisfying. “My classes feature nourishing recipes made primarily from plant-based whole foods, humanely raised animal products, and food-allergy-friendly ingredients,” Markley said. “I prioritize using nutrient-dense ingredients that are local, organic and seasonal whenever possible.” Take that, 10-for-$10 Hungry Man dinners. But can you afford to eat this way? According to Markley, you can. “Start with a solid, healthy breakfast, and strive to make it a routine,” Markley said. “Getting the day off on the right foot will give your body the energy it needs for a focused and productive day and will also make you less prone to making poor choices later in the day. I enjoy steel-cut oats with berries or chopped fruit, a handful of nuts or seeds, and a dab of raw honey.”

1130 W. 103rd St, KCMO Markley: your guide to healthy eating And you can stock up on other inexpensive staples, such as whole grains and beans, and frozen berries or other produce that may be out of season or more expensive fresh. Foods that are domestically in season tend to be more readily available and cheaper, both at Whole Foods and local farmers markets. (Markley leads free guided shopping tours to make selecting these items easier; e-mail lisa.markley@wholefoods.com.) She uses these ingredients to cook in batches, so that her time in the kitchen is more efficient. She also recommends eating greens regularly — as in every day. “Greens are the most readily available, nutrient-dense foods we can eat and are very low in calories, so we can fill up on them,” she told me. “Have a large salad for lunch or dinner, or steam up some greens as a side dish. Make a commitment to spend more time in the kitchen and less time eating out.” It is also important, she reminded me, to pay attention to the “gray area.” Just because something is good for you doesn’t mean you should overdo it. For example, olive oil can be healthy, but not as a big pool for drowning a whole loaf of bread before dinner. Point taken. Perhaps it’s OK to dust my morning oatmeal with chia glitter, but I shouldn’t use it so liberally that I find it between the couch cushions months later, alongside actual glitter.

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music

My Funny Valentine V

Finding the lighter side of Hammerlord’s heavy metal.

alentine’s Day is a stupid holiday,” Stevie Cruz says. “I’m sorry, but it is.” He shrugs and sips his Jameson and leans forward. On this gray afternoon, deep into the long and unforgiving winter, he’s wearing a cutoff black T-shirt. His forearms are tan. Cruz is the lead singer for Hammerlord, and he and guitarists J.P. Gaughan and Ty Scott, drummer Adam Mitchell and bassist Terry Taylor have built their band into one of the area’s best-known and widely respected metal acts. Now the group has decided to reclaim February 14 in the name of “sane people” with a gig at the Replay Lounge. “Going to see Hammerlord on Valentine’s Day, that’s like giving the finger to the Hallmark holiday of the season,” Cruz says with a laugh. In conversation, he’s about the furthest Hammerlord is reclaiming Valentine’s Day. thing from the wired maniac he appears to be onstage at a Hammerlord show. He smiles hearing Hammerlord,’” he says. “I think a lot of that is the energy exchange. It’s so funny — easily, often with a swoop of the head to keep we’ve opened up for Static-X or Rob Zombie, his jet-black hair out of friendly brown eyes. and some kids that are at that show are 16, He praises the local metal scene, referring to 18, 20 years old, and it’s the first time they’ve it as “hugely supportive” and “thriving.” And heard authentic thrash metal.” when he’s ready for another drink, he grins Cruz’s exposure to metal, and to plenty of at the bartender and adds a “pretty please.” other sounds, came early. In fact, his trade“Hammerlord is a performance,” Cruz says. mark roar — a rough screech that could goad “I’m also a DJ, and a lot of times when I’m out an army to victory — has a somewhat unlikely DJing, people don’t usually make the crosssource of inspiration. over. Like, ‘No way is the guy from Hammer“I was getting into heavy metal pretty lord at the bar playing Justin Timberlake.’ It is early, but I was raised on blues and jazz and confusing. It’s a huge difference.” rock and roll,” Cruz says. “My dad was a Besides, Cruz says, Hammerlord isn’t the record collector. A lot of my style, if I had to average metal band. There is a certain amount draw it back to the first time of comedy in Cruz’s lyrics, that I heard that sound that a streak of self-awareness Hammerlord I try to make, is listening to that you don’t usually get Friday, February 14, James Brown. He had this from other bands working at the Replay Lounge squeal about him, and it was this genre. Hammerlord’s EP so real and so raw. There’s We Live!, released last June, also lots of John Coltrane — some of his crazier contains the song “Giant-Size Man-Thing.” “A lot of people think that heavy metal is records were these horns that sound comabout dudes who take themselves way too pletely insane.” Ask Cruz his age, and he’ll recite a flippant seriously,” Cruz says. “I mean, it is serious, line about being “old enough to know better, and we’re very serious about what we do. But still too young to care.” He admits that he has there’s no point to doing Hammerlord — or really anything else — if you’re not having fun been “around for quite a while,” and he has — among his earlier bands was the Esoteric. He with it or you’re not having a good time.” has probably played a Valentine’s Day gig or That outlook helps explain the Hammerlord stage vibe. Despite Gaughan and Scott’s two in all that time, so I ask whether Hammerfurious dueling riffs and Mitchell’s raging kit lord has a hidden agenda for this one. “The crazy just happens whenever we’re assault — not to mention Cruz’s harsh delivery — Hammerlord live is a relatively warm together,” he says, laughing. “I’ve been doing and inviting experience. Whenever Cruz isn’t the heavy-metal thing for so long. You’ve just got to believe in your own bullshit and really screaming into a microphone or threatening to launch into a crowd from atop speakers, love what you’re doing. And I do. I really love playing with those guys.” he’s beaming. “A lot of people are like, ‘You know, I don’t even like metal. In fact, I hate it. But I love E-mail natalie.gallagher@pitch.com

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N ata l ie G a l l a Ghe r

S P I N CyC le Our monthly local-record-store Top Five

Top Five Songs to Listen to as You Get Shitfaced and Cry All Night

1. “Lost Cause” from Sea Change, by Beck. “First of all, the entire album. Second of all, bust out the Kleenex if you don’t already own it. #Ebayprices #OutofPrint” 2. “Love Hurts” from Hair of the Dog, by Nazareth. “Predictable choice, but my best Valentine’s Day was spent watching an episode of Cops titled ‘Love Hurts.’” 3. “As Soon as I Hang Up the Phone” from Country Partners, by Loretta Lynn and Conway Twitty. “This song will make that text-message breakup seem like the easy way out.” 4. “Everything Reminds Me of Her” from Figure 8, by Elliott Smith. “Because obsessive heartbreak knows no gender.” 5. “Archie & Veronica” from Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By, by Lovage. “Because stalkers have feelings, too.” — By Judy Mills and Christian LaBeau Mills Record Co. 314 Westport Road | millsrecordcompany.com

Top Five Albums to Inspire Feelings of True Lust

1. Cut, by the Slits. “Babes covered in mud playing punky reggae? Sign us up.” 2. Black Panties, by R. Kelly.“The song ‘Cookie’ is pretty straightforward. Yep, you guessed it.” 3. Voodoo, by D’Angelo. “ABSolutely lustworthy.” 4. Let’s Get It On, by Marvin Gaye. “Is there any better way to say it?” 5. Look What the Cat Dragged In, by Poison. “It’s become clear, stonewashed jeans are an aphrodisiac.” — By Kelly Corcoran Love Garden Sounds 822 Massachusetts, Lawrence lovegardensounds.com

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Sabor Del amor

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Valentine’s Day recipe for love.

N ata l ie G a l l a Ghe r

t’s easy for a band like Making Movies to stand out in Kansas City. The foursome — Panamanian-born brothers Enrique and Diego Chi, Mexican-born Juan-Carlos Chaurand, KCborn Brendan Culp — are used to the confusion of new fans when they explain that their psych-rock and Latin-jazz fusion sprouted in decidedly unspicy Midwestern fields. They’re also quite proud of that fact. Last March, Making Movies released the Steve Berlin–produced full-length A La Deriva, an excellent collection of highly danceable, energetic songs sung in Spanish and English. This Valentine’s Day, the band celebrates its fifth anniversary at RecordBar. We chatted with lead singer and guitarist Enrique Chi over the phone from his Kansas City home. The Pitch: You’re playing on Valentine’s Day. Do you envision this as a great big love fest, or is this a show that all the single saps can enjoy? Making Movies: your wingmen Chi: I think it’ll be for both. We have the luck all the ideas in music today. Electronic stuff, of having a fan family that’s really diverse. new-wave punk stuff that we’re into, all that Once we start playing, the whole audience gets up to dance. Even if you’re bringing a date, stuff mixed up together. We try to find the link with all of it. that’s great — you can dance and have a good I imagine that you see some very different time together. I should say that there’s always audiences when you take your music to different more girls willing to dance than there are guys willing to dance, so if you’re a guy and you’re coasts and on international tours. What makes the Kansas City audience different, and why do willing to dance, our shows are great. you keep coming back to it? Your music highlights a variety of influences, I like the diversity here. With the other cities from cumbia to Afro-Cuban beats to classic American rock. People have a hard time agree- we go to — we fit more easily into Latin events, ing on what genre to put you into. What gives a Hispanic events, because there’s more of a population or it’s more of an ingrained thing in that song a Making Movies sound? I think our songs need to be a link between city, whether it’s San Antonio or L.A. There’s already a scene of Mexican-American kids whatever shared DNA between a blues song and a Cuban song or a Mexican or Afro-Peruvian who read Pitchfork and listen to mainstream radio. When we play those shows, the audience rhythm. There’s some linked DNA. I think is a little more specific: more Hispanic, more music shows how cultures come together. There are similarities between music Latino. When we’re in Kansas City, because there hasn’t been a scene for that kind of music all throughout the Americas, because it’s yet and because there aren’t that weird mix — a cocka lot of events for us to play, tail created by the African Making Movies our audience is very mixed. slaves coming over with With the Conquerors I remember when we whatever Europeans were Friday, February 14, played the Buzz’s Homebringing them over. And in at RecordBar grown for the Holidays show Latin America, that was the in November, and it was for Spanish, and the Spanish an audience for all these kids that probably brought guitars, and then that mixed in with the indigenous people. So every country, ev- had never heard a band sing in Spanish. Maybe ery region, has its own little flavor, but there’s 400 people there had heard of us, but the other also some common bonds. And I guess that’s 1,200 had no idea who we were. We brought El Grupo Atotonilco [a traditional folk-dance what we’re searching for: common bonds. group], and they went into their dance rouAnd what we’ve found is that when we hit the tine, and the look on these kids’ faces — you nail on the head and combine those things the right way, it sounds like us, but it’s also a way know, 96.5 the Buzz listeners, 18-to-23-year-old people who are just there to see an indie-folk to connect with thousands of people. band the Mowgli’s. And their faces light up. We grab the Latin American soil that we were born on, and take an old, traditional They don’t know what they’re seeing. That’s what makes it fun and special to us, folk-song structure, and we rearrange it with

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that we get to be the vehicle that exposes them to those kinds of things. If those kids would have grown up in L.A., they probably would have already seen a performance like that at some point in their lives. So it’s a chance for us to introduce this to audiences. We can be a curator for some of this kind of stuff in Kansas City, and that makes it really special to play here.

E-mail natalie.gallagher@pitch.com

J a z z B e at Eboni FondrEn QuartEt, at thE broadway Jazz Club and thE GrEEn lady lounGE

Eboni Fondren has a voice that drips with the blues and a seductive power — a song from her pulls you in, then knocks you around with a powerful, sultry swing. She’s got quite the pedigree, too, having spent eight years singing with organist Everette DeVan, and she can still sometimes be heard sitting in with DeVan’s Tuesday jams at the Phoenix. She has performed musical roles, and she has her own ensembles. Among the best is the Eboni Fondren Quartet, backed by the exquisite piano of Charles Williams. Two shows this week offer two chances to hear the group: Friday at the Broadway Jazz Club and Saturday at the Green Lady Lounge. — Larry Kopitnik Eboni Fondren Quartet, 9 p.m.–1 a.m. Friday, February 14, at the Broadway Jazz Club (3601 Broadway, 816-298-6316), $5 cover; 9 p.m.–1 a.m. Saturday, February 15, at the Green Lady Lounge (1809 Grand, 816-215-2954), no cover.

PUBLIC SHOWCASE TICKETS

ON SALE NOW!

300 SHOWCASE ARTISTS 4 NIGHTS 10 STAGES Full schedule at folk.org

A limited number of showcase only tickets are available to the public.

Tickets for the Folk Alliance Music Showcase are $25 per night and can be purchased online at eventbrite.com ($25.00 per night + service charge) ALSO AVAILABLE AT: The Folk Store, 509 Delaware St. and The Westin Crown Center Hotel (show days)

WEDNESDAY NIGHT LOCAL BAND

EXTRAVAGANZA! OVER 50 KC AREA ARTISTS PERFORMING ON 10 STAGES

P presents on the Liberty Stage: p Brother Bagman The Kansas City Bear Fighter Loaded Goat Howard Iceberg and the Titanics The Elders Making Movies Grisly Hand

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Music

DAILY MENU

Music Forecast

n ata l ie G a l l a Ghe r

SPECIALS

HAPPY HOUR

MONDAY-FRIDAY

UPCOMING LIVE MUSIC:

Trivia 2/12/2014 - 7:00pm Levee Town’s Jacque Garoutte 2/13/2014 - 8:00pm Southwind 2/14/2014 - 9:00pm J. Love Band 2/15/2014 - 9:00pm

Tyvek, Schwervon, the Bad Ideas

Kevin Boyer, frontman for Detroit noise-punk band Tyvek, isn’t a singer. He yells, spits and snarls through the 10 abrasive tracks of 2012’s On Triple Beams. His lyrics cover the usual band stories — getting drunk, playing shows, life on the road — but Boyer also pays homage to his much-maligned hometown, training a punk realist’s perspective on a scene that outsiders might not understand. He’s not trying to impress anyone; that has never been the point for Boyer — or for Tyvek. Nonetheless, you have a chance to be impressed by Tyvek Thursday. Local bands Schwervon and the Bad Ideas are also on deck. Thursday, February 13, FOKL (556 Central Avenue, Kansas City, Kansas, foklcenter.com)

Moonspell

WE’RE MOVING

614 REYNOLDS STREETTHKCKS GRAND OPENING FEB 14

POOL TABLE • MEGATOUCH • 7 PINBALLS • PINBALL TOURNAMENT WEDNESDAYS • TOUCHTUNES INTERNET JUKEBOX • DRINKING ON THE SMOKING PATIO • CRAFT BEERS • $2 PBR / HIGH LIFE OPEN 12PM ON SATURDAY AND SUNDAY • 4PM - 2AM EVERYDAY

APPEARING LIVE THIS WEEK

Every MONDAY Open Mic w/ Brody Buster 7-11pm Every TUESDAY Open Blues Jam w/ The Coyote Bill Boogie Band WEDNESDAY Night Trivia from 7-9pm

friday feb. 14 : DINNER SHOW 6-8 w/ CLUSTERPLUCK / DYLAN’S 7TH ANNUAL BIG BIRTHDAY BENDER BLOWOUT W/ MR. GENE DOE, TYLER GREGORY, A.J. GAITHER O.M.B., WHISKEY BREATH, THE DRUNKEN CUDDLE, THEM DAMNED YOUNG LIVERS saturday feb. 15 : DINNER SHOW 6-9 w/ TWENTY THOUSAND STRONGMEN THE MGD’S & BROTHER BAGMAN monday feb. 17 : FOLK THIS! FEAT. LOADED GOATS & OTHERS

Perhaps you’re one of the fortunate few enjoying the perks of a loving and committed relationship this Valentine’s Day, and you’re deciding how best to spend the night with your significant other. More likely, you’re endeavoring to find something that occupies your time on this most despised holiday. (The liquor-and-ice-cream combination you and your cat enjoyed last year still fills you with shame.) Fear not, Portuguese deathmetal band Moonspell is here to bring its gloomy, werewolf-themed horrors to the Riot Room. If you’re feeling anti-love, this is an excellent option. Moonspell has been performing together for over two decades, and the band’s recent shows have featured highlights from its lengthy discography. Leaves’ Eyes and Atrocity open. Friday, February 14, the Riot Room (4048 Broadway, 816-442-8179)

Project Trio

Though it’s a chamber group, Brooklyn’s Project Trio sounds unlike anything in the world of classical music. Eric Stephenson plays the cello, Peter Seymour plays the double bass and Greg Pattillo plays the flute — and beatboxes. Like, beatboxes with the

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Mon-Fri 4p-3am Sat-Sun 12pm-3am

westportsaloon.com f e b r u a r y 1 3 - 1 9, 2 0 1 4

flute, as he’s playing it. If it takes a moment for that to sink in, don’t worry — envisioning a beatboxing flutist is hard until you watch Patillo in action. One song in, and you wonder why no one else thought of this combination first. Project Trio joins the Kansas City Symphony in a reimagined version of Rossini’s William Tell Overture, along with some original Project Trio arrangements. Sunday, February 16, Kauffman Center for the Performing Arts (1601 Broadway, 816-994-7222)

Mayer Hawthorne

When I saw Mayer Hawthorne two years ago, as he was touring in support of his 2011 fulllength, How Do You Do, he was a suave, unstoppable showman fully dedicated to the whole retro-soul thing he’d been working. Last year, Hawthorne released Where Does This Door Go, and the smooth Motown waves he once rode were long-gone. Such tracks as “Her Favorite Song” and “The Only One” sound a lot like ditties Justin Timberlake might have voted for at one time. Hawthorne hasn’t totally abandoned the buttery funk revival that gave him his start, but Door does make him seem like he’s suffering from an identity crisis. Still, he seems likely

f o r e c a s t

• SERVING FOOD TILL 3AM •

816.960.4560 4112 Pennsylvania Ave

Moonspell

to remember who he is Tuesday at the Granada. Tuesday, February 18, the Granada (1020 Massachusetts, Lawrence, 785-842-1390)

The Wild Feathers, Saints of Valory, Jamestown Revival

It’s easy to be wary of bands sporting boots and wide-brimmed hats, offering songs lumped under a stretched-thin Americana flag. At first glance, the Wild Feathers don’t challenge that image, but the group’s self-titled full-length debut is a nuanced take on Southern-fried indie rock. The five-piece at times sounds too nostalgic, as though they wrote the album on a road trip with a Tom Petty cassette stuck in the deck, but it’s clear that they know enough about songwriting to hook a listener. And Jamestown Revival, despite claiming on its website that its music is “a movement,” sounds back-porch authentic — probably a phrase either act might use. Saints of Valory is the night’s odd band out, making music that’s likely to end up on a car commercial. But its power pop should deliver on energy. Wednesday, February 19, the Granada (1020 Massachusetts, Lawrence, 785-842-1390)

K e Y

Pick of the Week

Fighting Your Self-Pity

Worth the Weeknight

Punk Kids

Beatboxing

Retro Soul

Bring Your Earplugs

Classy Night Out

So You Wanna Be Justin Timberlake

Death Metal

Bizarre Combinations

Americana

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Doors @ 7pm MUSIC

DANCE

MBird with Megan Birdsall The Heather Thornton Trio Brother John

1001 Arabian Nights City in Motion

TRIBAL PERCUSSION

COMEDY

Norman Dexter Luis Powell Moreno

Zanzibar Drums

POETIC UNDERGROUND MissConception Sharon Eiker William Peck

BURLESQUE KC Cabaretâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Cher D. Blame

IMPROV

Juliette Everhart Christian Robinson

MIME

Beth Byrd

ft. Greg Patterson

HOSTED BY

Jeanette Powers

Check our website for more details

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AgendA

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Thursday | 2.13 |

Leedy-VouLkos Arts Center

Art exhibits & eVents William S. Burroughs. Creative Observer

Literary events

| Lawrence Arts Center, 940 New Hampshire, Lawrence

Kadir nelson, author of We Are the Ship: The Story of the Negro Leagues and Testing the Ice: A True Story of Jackie Robinson | 6 p.m. Negro

Gorgeous & Outrageous: The Art of Tony Naponic | Leedy-Voulkos Art Center, 2012 Balti-

Leagues Baseball Museum, 1616 E. 18th St.

more, leedy-voulkos.com

Comedy

History & Hope: Celebrating the Civil Rights Movement | Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art, 4525

Black & White Comedy night | 7:30 p.m. Improv

Oak

Comedy Club and Dinner Theater, 7260 N.W. 87th St.

Jeff dunham | 7:30 p.m. Sprint Center, 1407 Grand

In the Looking Glass: Recent Daguerreotype Acquisitions | Nelson-Atkins Museum, 4525 Oak

april macie | 8 p.m. Stanford’s Comedy Club, 1867 Village West Pkwy., KCK

The Neighborhood: New Work by Stephanie Bloss | Kiosk Gallery, 3951 Broadway

sports & reC

UmKC vs. new mexico state women’s basketball | 7 p.m. Swinney Recreation Center, UMKC, 5100 Rockhill Rd.

oBJet ~ pop-up boutique and Tea Time zine showcase | Paragraph Gallery, 23 E. 12th St.

“Bilateral Negotiation” by Amanda Lechner amanda Lechner: SIGNALS , through March 29, in the Opie Gallery at Leedy-Voulkos Arts Center

Reality and Fantasy: Land, Town and Sea |

Nelson-Atkins Museum, 4525 Oak

FiLm

The Bridegroom, screening co-sponsored by UMKC

LGBTQIA and Film & Media Arts | 5:30 p.m. Tivoli Cinemas, 4050 Pennsylvania, tivolikc.com

niGHtLiFe

official neutral milk Hotel afterparty | 11 p.m.

MiniBar, 3810 Broadway

mUsiC

sad Bastard night with dJ Baby Grandma | 10

arara azul | 8 p.m. Broadway Jazz Club, 3601 Broadway

p.m. Replay Lounge, 946 Massachusetts, Lawrence

Blackjack Billy, money for nothin’ | 8 p.m. PBR Big

singles mingle | 6 p.m. Kansas City Blues and Jazz

Sky Bar, 111 E. 13th St.

Beau Bledsoe | Mestizo, 5270 W. 116th Pl., Leawood Bluz Benders | 7 p.m. Trouser Mouse, 410 S. Hwy. 7,

Juke House, 1700 E. 18th St.

Friday | 2.14 | perForminG arts

Blue Springs

dark tranquility, omnium Gatherum, exmortus dogs of delphi | 6 p.m. The Granada, 1020 Massachusetts, Lawrence

moonlight and music: valentine’s with the Fine arts Chorale | 6:30 p.m., $49, Californos, 4124 Penn-

sylvania, fineartschoralekc.org

valentine’s day with tony desare and the Kansas City symphony | 8 p.m. Kauffman Center for

schtick a pole in it | 7:30 p.m. Davey’s Uptown Ram-

second Friday troost art Hop | 6-10 p.m. Vibe Tribe Studio, 5504 Troost, troostarthop.com

steve Wilson | 8 & 10:30 p.m. Improv Comedy Club

Stages of Conversion: Santero Shrines of Gene Emerson Friedman | Thornhill Art

blers Club, 3402 Main

and Dinner Theater, 7260 N.W. 87th St. expos

World of Wheels | 3-10 p.m. Bartle Hall, 301 W. 13th St. FiLm

Jayhawkers | 7 & 9 p.m. Lied Center of Kansas, 1600 Stewart Dr., Lawrence

mUsiC

Josh Berwanger, Heidi Gluck | 6 p.m. Replay Lounge, 946 Massachusetts, Lawrence

Kilmaat, plague, see the elephant, the Last Glacier | 8 p.m. The Riot Room, 4048 Broadway

the Performing Arts, 1601 Broadway, kcsymphony.org

Bring me the Horizon, of mice and men, issues. Letlive | 6 p.m. Uptown Theater, 3700 Broadway

Kutty slitz, pistol pete, Huey p. nuisance, osiris1 | 9:30 p.m. Czar, 1531 Grand

venice Baroque orchestra with philippe Jaroussky | 8 p.m., $30/$40, Yardley Hall at JCCC, 12345 College

the Collective, Brother John anderson: motown majic | 10 p.m. Californos, 4124 Pennsylvania

eleni mandell with vikesh Kapoor | 8 p.m. Knuck-

leheads Saloon, 2715 Rochester

neutral milk Hotel, elf power | 7 p.m. Uptown

Theater, 3700 Broadway

parallax | 7 p.m. The Blue Room, 1616 E. 18th St. Whiskey myers, Cole porter Band | 6:30 p.m. VooDoo Lounge, Harrah’s Casino, 1 Riverboat Dr., North Kansas City

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f e b r u a r y 1 3 - 1 9, 2 0 1 4

Blvd., Overland Park

Literary events

anne Carson, “antigonick”: Poet Anne Carson with

Robert Currie and KU professor of classics Stan Lombardo | 5:30 p.m. Spencer Museum of Art, 1301 Mississippi, Lawrence, spencerart.ku.edu

Comedy april macie | 7:45 & 9:45 p.m. Stanford’s Comedy Club, 1867 Village West Pkwy., KCK

pitch.com

Gallery, Avila University, 11901 Wornall, avila.edu/viscom/gallery

Five iron Frenzy | 7 p.m. The Granada, 1020 Mas-

sachusetts, Lawrence

eboni Fondren Quartet | 9 p.m. Broadway Jazz Club, 3601 Broadway

Hammerlord, Hossferatu | 10 p.m. Replay Lounge, 946 Massachusetts, Lawrence

Heart on for you, Godzillionaire, olassa | 8 p.m.

The Bottleneck, 737 New Hampshire, Lawrence

The Tyranny of Good Taste | La Esquina, 1000 W. 25th St., charlottestreet.org

We Are Not This Body — A Solo Exhibition by Scott Dickson | PLUG Projects, 1613 Genessee, plugprojects.com

We Now Pronounce You: Redefining Marriage in the 21st Century | 5 p.m. Monday, UMKC Gallery of Art, 5015 Holmes, Room 203, info.umkc.edu/art

Kitten, new politics, man man | 6:30 p.m. The

Midland, 1228 Main

anthony Ladesich and the secret Liquor Cure, phil neal and the Wornalls | Coda, 1744 Broadway making movies, the Conquerors | 10 p.m. RecordBar, 1020 Westport Rd.

moonspell, Leaves’ eyes, atrocity, night Creation | 7 p.m. The Riot Room, 4048 Broadway mr. Gene doe, tyler Gregory, a.J. Gaither, o.m.B., Whiskey Breath, the drunken Cuddle, them damned young Livers | 8 p.m. Westport Saloon,

4112 Pennsylvania

scotty and the soultones | 8 p.m. Trouser Mouse,

410 S. Hwy. 7, Blue Springs

98715 | The Pitch | 2-13-2014 Cellist Daniel Veis and pianist helena Veisova | 7:30 p.m. Graham Tyler Memorial Chapel, 8700 N.W.

sam harris

River Park Dr., Parkville

d Th u rs

2.15

COMeDY

Keith Plus One: Local comedian Keith Curtis and Mike Ferris | 10 p.m. Kick Comedy Theater, 4010 Pennsylvania April Macie | 7:45 & 9:45 p.m. Stanford’s Comedy Club, 1867 Village West Pkwy., KCK

right Between the ears on ice | 7 p.m. Liberty Hall,

644 Massachusetts, Lawrence

Steve Wilson | 7 & 10 p.m. Improv Comedy Club and Dinner Theater, 7260 N.W. 87th St. exPOS

World of Wheels | 10 a.m.-10 p.m. Bartle Hall, 301 W. 13th St.

Sam harris: Ham, Slices of Life | 7:30 p.m. Folly The-

ater, 300 W. 12th St., follytheater.org, rainydaybooks.com

Shades of Jade | The Brick, 1727 McGee

fOOD & DriNK

heartland Wine experience | 2-4 p.m. Powell Gardens, 1609 N.W. Hwy. 50, Kingsville

FLIRT FRIDAY

CHIPPENDALES

AARON LEWIS

AN UNPREDICTABLE EVENING WITH TODD RUNDGREN

February 14, 2014

February 15, 2014

SPOrtS & reC Nightlife

flirt friday | 9 p.m. VooDoo Lounge, Harrah’s Casino,

1 Riverboat Dr., North Kansas City

girl 2 girl Social | 7 p.m. The Uptown Arts Bar, 3611

Crown Center ice terrace | 10 a.m.-11 p.m., $6 ($3 skate rental), Crown Center Ice Terrace, 2450 Grand Cupid’s Undie run, a 1-mile fun run benefiting the Children’s Tumor Foundation | Noon, McFadden’s Sports Saloon, 1330 Grand

Dead girl Derby: Silence of the Jams | 5 p.m. Hale

Broadway

Arena, 1701 American Royal Ct.

My Bloody Valentine’s Day Ball | 8 p.m. Foundation, 1221 Union (at Foundation Architectural Reclamation)

the ice at Park Place | 11 a.m.-10 p.m., $7 ($3 skate rental), 117th St. and Nall, Leawood

Oh So Pretty Valentine Mixer with J.t. Quick |

KU vs. tCU men’s basketball | 3 p.m. Allen Field-

9 p.m. Hotel, 1300 Grand

Young friends of Art Second friday happy hour | 6-8 p.m. Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art, 4525 Oak

Saturday | 2.15 | hiStOrY

Love Letters: a Valentine’s Day-themed program

examining and reading letters written by soldiers and families during the Great War | 1 p.m. National World War I Museum, 100 W. 26th St., theworldwar.org

LE S A AY ON FRID

Burlesque Downtown Underground: heartbreakers Ball | 7 p.m. The Kill Devil Club, 61 E. 14th St.

house, 1651 Naismith Dr., Lawrence

February 19, 2014

April 3, 2014

Missouri Mavericks vs. Allen Americans |

7:05 p.m. Independence Events Center, 19100 E. Valley View Pkwy., Independence

UMKC vs. texas Pan-American women’s basketball | 2 p.m. Swinney Recreation Center, UMKC, 5100 Rockhill Rd.

filM

Jayhawkers | 11 a.m. Lied Center of Kansas, 1600

UPCOMING SHOWS: 2/13

Cold Nights, Hot Country Featuring Whiskey Myers

2/21

Paramount and Lights: A Tribute to Journey

Stewart Dr., Lawrence

3/1

Magic 107.3 KC Groove Party

3/15

Samantha Fish and Terry Quiett Band

3/22

Bridges Burnt CD Release

PerfOrMiNg ArtS MUSiC

Second Anniversary Celebration , with Megan Birdsall, Beth Byrd, MissConception, 1001 Arabian Nights belly dance, more | 7 p.m. Uptown Arts Bar, 3611 Broadway

the Belairs & the Nace Brothers | 8 p.m. Knuckle-

Valentine’s Day with tony DeSare and the Kansas City Symphony | 6 p.m. Kauffman Center for

Brick, 1727 McGee

the Performing Arts, 1601 Broadway, kcsymphony.org

heads Saloon, 2715 Rochester

1-800-745-3000

§ VooDooKC.com

Know When To Stop Before You Start.® Gambling Problem? Call 1-888-BETSOFF.

Subject to change or cancellation. Phone and online orders are subject to service fees. Must be 21 years or older to gamble, obtain a Total Rewards ® card or enter VooDoo ®. ©2014, Caesars License Company, LLC.

Blessed Broke, Dead Voices, the Sawyers | The

trace Bundy | 6:30 p.m. Conspiracy Room at the Uptown Theater, 3700 Broadway continued on page 32

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2/7/14 9:41 AM

continued from page 31 Carrie Nation and the Speakeasy, Possessed by Paul James, Jayke Orvis and the Broken Band, the Calamity Cubes, Saint Christopher | 8 p.m.

JoUrneyMan TheaTre

TheaTer Dates and times vary.

Davey’s Uptown Ramblers Club, 3402 Main

Afflicted: Daughters of Salem | The Coterie, 2450 Grand, Crown Center, thecoterie.org

Ronny Cox, a Living Room session | 8 p.m. Knuckleheads Saloon, 2715 Rochester

All Sinatra | Quality Hill Playhouse, 303 W.

Dead Man’s Hand album-release show with Seventh Day, What I’ve Become, 9 Volt Junkie |

Bring It On: The Musical | Kauffman Cen-

10th St., qualityhillplayhouse.com

ter for the Performing Arts, 1601 Broadway, theaterleague.org

8 p.m. The Riot Room, 4048 Broadway

The Disco Fries, Bobby Bohn, Scumbag Saturday | 10 p.m. Czar, 1531 Grand

Four Fried Chickens and a Coke | 9 p.m. B.B.’s

Lawnside BBQ, 1205 E. 85th St.

Grand Marquis | 7 p.m. The Kill Devil Club, 61 E. 14th St. Huey Mack, D-Why, Timmy D | 7 p.m. The Granada,

S a b r i n a S ta i r e S

Eboni Fondren Quartet | 9 p.m. Green Lady Lounge,

1809 Grand

Drawn to Murder | KC Mystery Train, the Golden Ox, 1600 Genessee, kcmysterytrain.com Fat Pig | The Living Room, 1818 McGee, thelivingroomkc.com

The Importance of Being Earnest: a Trivial Comedy for Serious People | Journeyman Theatre, at Just

Off Broadway Theatre, 3051 Central, journeymantheatre.com

1020 Massachusetts, Lawrence

HISTORy

MuSIC

Locked Up in Leavenworth, with archivist Jake Ersland | 2 p.m. Kansas City Central Library, 14 W. 10th

DJ C Logik, Evolve, Deep Thinkers, Negro Scoe, Dr. Okeh, RhythmMonsta | 9:30 p.m. The Riot Room,

Lady Antebellum | 7 p.m. Sprint Center, 1407 Grand Kasey Rausch & Patrick Deveny, Sara Swenson & Barclay Martin, Victor & Penny, Blackbird Revue | 7 p.m. RecordBar, 1020 Westport Rd.

St., kclibrary.org

LITERARy EVENTS

Mark Lowrey with Dionne Jeroue | 9:30 p.m.

Broadway Jazz Club, 3601 Broadway

The MGDs, Brother Bagman | Westport Saloon, 4112 Pennsylvania

6 p.m. Czar, 1531 Grand

10 p.m. Replay Lounge, 946 Massachusetts, Lawrence

Truckstop Honeymoon, Cowgirls Train Set | 8 p.m. The Bottleneck, 737 New Hampshire, Lawrence NIGHTLIFE

PERFORMING ARTS

Kansas City Symphony Project Trio: Classical Beats Family Concert | 2:30 p.m. Kauffman Center, 1601 Broadway, kcsymphony.org

World of Wheels | 10 a.m.-6 p.m. Bartle Hall, 301

W. 13th St.

SPORTS & REC

Crown Center Ice Terrace | 10 a.m.-9 p.m., $6 ($3 skate rental), 2450 Grand

The Ice at Park Place | Noon-8 p.m, $7 ($3 skate

rental), 117th St. and Nall, Leawood

Winnwood Skate Center, 4426 N.E. Winn

4:05 p.m. Independence Events Center, 19100 E. Valley View Pkwy., Independence FILM

After Tiller, presented by Peggy Bowman Second

W. 13th St.

Lawnside BBQ, 1205 E. 85th St.

Project H | 8 p.m. RecordBar, 1020 Westport Rd. Rock the Winter Dance Party with Cheap Dates, Conviction, Guns ’N Charoses | 6:30 p.m. Uptown Theater, 3700 Broadway

Monday | 2.17 | Musical Monday featuring songs from Dreamgirls | 6:30 p.m. Musical Theater Heritage, Off Center Theatre, 2450 Grand, Crown Center, musicaltheaterheritage.com FILM

Stewart Dr., Lawrence

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pitch.com

Bess’ Birthday Celebration — The Harvey Girls: Women Who Changed the West | 2-9 p.m. Thursday, Truman Presidential Museum and Library, 500 W. Hwy. 24, Independence

Citizen Soldiers on the Prairie | Johnson County Museum of History, 6305 Lackman Rd., Shawnee, jocomuseum.org Convergence: Jazz, Film, Dance and the Visual Arts | American Jazz Museum, 1616 E. 18th St., , americanjazzmuseum.org

Keeler Film Series — Norma Rae | 1:30 p.m. Keeler

Take Five Tours | 6 p.m. Tuesday, American Jazz

MuSIC

Taste of American History on Presidents Day | 10 a.m.-3 p.m. Truman Presidential Museum

Women’s Center, 2220 Central, KCK

Chance Fund | 5 p.m. Liberty Hall, 644 Massachusetts, Lawrence

Jayhawkers | 1, 4 & 7 p.m. Lied Center of Kansas, 1600

MUSeUM exhibiTS & evenTS

PERFORMING ARTS

The Appleseed Collective, Kasey Rausch and Friends, Buttermilk Boys | 8 p.m. Czar, 1531 Grand Folk This, featuring Loaded Goat | Westport Saloon, 4112 Pennsylvania

Motherhood Out Loud | Spinning Tree Theatre,

When I Come to Die | Kansas City Repertory Theatre, Copaken Stage, 13th St. and Walnut, kcrep.org

MIssouri Mavericks vs. Quad City Mallards |

Sunday | 2.16 |

Theatre and UMKC Theatre, National World War I Museum, 100 W. 26th St., kcactors.org

Lee McBee’s Harmonica Blowout | 3 p.m. B.B.’s

DJ Mike Scott | 9 p.m. Hotel, 1300 Grand Valentine’s Sweet Sleepover | 9 p.m. Tengo Sed

Journey’s End | Starting Friday, KC Actors

ExPOS

New Hampshire, Lawrence

Kansas City Roller Warriors Bout Three | 2 p.m.

Cantina, 1323 Walnut

Theatre, Just Off Broadway Theatre, 3051 Central, journeymantheatre.com

2450 Grand, Off Centre Theatre, Crown Center, spinningtreetheatre.com

Chippendales | 6 p.m. VooDoo Lounge, Harrah’s Casino, 1 Riverboat Dr., North Kansas City

The Importance of Being Earnest: a Trivial Comedy for Serious People | Journeyman

Maze, Frankie Beverly, El Debarge, SWV, Slick Rick | 7 p.m. Municipal Auditorium/Music Hall, 301

The Rumblejetts, Jason and the Punknecks | 8 p.m. Trouser Mouse, 410 S. Hwy. 7, Blue Springs

Haunt Ananta, the Sour Notes, Middle Twin |

City Stage, 30 W. Pershing Rd., Union Station, tya.org

Taproom Poetry Series and open mic with Carolina Ebeid, Shane McCrae and Jeffrey Pethybridge | 5 p.m. the Eighth Street Taproom, 801

Najee | 8 p.m. Gem Theater, 1615 E. 18th St. Pullman Standard, Life in Ice, Eastwood Riot |

4048 Broadway

Harriet Tubman in the Footprints of Freedom | Theater for Young America, H&R Block

Museum, 1616 E. 18th St.

and Library, 500 W. Hwy. 24, Independence

Jazz Disciples | 7 p.m. The Blue Room, 1616 E. 18th St. Mark Lowrey Trio | 6 p.m. The Majestic, 931 Broadway

Colin Kane | 8 p.m. Stanford’s Comedy Club, 1867 Village West Pkwy., KCK fiLM

Sage N Sour, Sextonic Plates, Cahoots | 10 p.m. RecordBar, 1020 Westport Rd.

Tuesday | 2.18 |

National Theatre Live presents Coriolanus | 1:30 p.m. Tivoli Cinemas, 4050 Pennsylvania, tivolikc.com

PerforMiNg ArTS

The Peking Acrobats | 7:30 p.m. Lied Center of Kansas, 1600 Stewart Dr., Lawrence LiTerAry eveNTS

Writers Place Poetry Series | 7 p.m. Johnson County

Central Resource Library, 9875 W. 87th St., Overland Park, writersplace.org LgBT

We’re Here, We’re Queer: The Struggle for gay and Lesbian rights in Kansas City | 6:30 p.m.

MuSiC

Brush Creek: yesterday, Today and the future |

7 p.m. Anita B. Gorman Conservation Discovery Center, 4750 Troost MuSiC

Lance Canales and the flood, the Blue Tick Hounds | 10 p.m. Replay Lounge, 946 Massachusetts, Lawrence

excision | 7 p.m. The Midland, 1228 Main foundation 627 Big Band | 9 p.m. Green Lady

Lounge, 1809 Grand

Mayer Hawthorne, Quadron | 7 p.m. The Granada, 1020 Massachusetts, Lawrence

Christian McBride, presented by 12th Street Jump |

7:30 p.m. Unity Temple, 707 W. 47th St.

Hermon Mehari Trio | 6 p.m. Majestic, 931 Broadway Parker Millsap & guy forsyth | 8 p.m. Knuckleheads

Saloon, 2715 Rochester

EvEnts

Broadway Jazz Club, 3601 Broadway

at line

pitch.co

prov Comedy Club and Dinner Theater, 7260 N.W. 87th St.

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everyone is Not a rapper: An MC Battle with Steven Cooper | 8 p.m. Czar, 1531 Grand

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Dreamwolf, oh Jeremiah, John L. Keck | 7 p.m. Czar,

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folk Alliance international’s Winter Music Camp | Sheraton Crown Center, 2345 McGee, folk.org Aaron Lewis | 6:30 p.m. VooDoo Lounge, Harrah’s Casino, 1 Riverboat Dr., North Kansas City Lucius, you Won’t, the Black Maria Theater | 7:30 p.m. The Riot Room, 4048 Broadway

Maria the Mexican, Lance Canales | The Brick, 1727 McGee

Bruce robison, AJ Croce & rod Picott | 8 p.m. Knuckleheads Saloon, 2715 Rochester

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This or the Apocalypse, Sworn in, Shai Hulud, Sirens & Sailors | 6:30 p.m. The Bottleneck, 737 New

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The Wild feathers, Saints of valory, Jamestown revival | 7 p.m. The Granada, 1020 Massachusetts,

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B.A.r.T Wednesdays with DJ g Train | 10 p.m.

elegant Knock with DJ Approach | 10 p.m. Replay

Nerd Nite #21: Sex ed and Artificial Languages | 7 p.m. MiniBar, 3810 Broadway

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Passafire, Pacific Dub, Ballyhoo! | 8 p.m. The

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The Carper family | 7:30 p.m. Davey’s Uptown Ram-

oils, rose & Louise, Handsome Cabs, Pink royal | 10 p.m. RecordBar, 1020 Westport Rd.

Bottleneck, 737 New Hampshire, Lawrence

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Kansas City Plaza Library, 4801 Main, kclibrary.org N AT u r e

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Pannies and Forties

( 800 ) 409-MEET 6 3 3

Dear Dan: I’m an 18-year-old pansexual girl, in a relationship with a guy. He’s a bit younger but mature for his age. We get along great, our friends like us together, etc. He wants to wait until marriage for sex. I’m cool with that. He wants to do this for religious reasons, which I mostly agree with. Here’s the real kink. I lost the big V about a year ago. He knows and isn’t happy about it but is willing to date me anyway. What hasn’t come up is the subject of porn and masturbation. He doesn’t do either and doesn’t approve. I do both. The porn I’m willing to forgo, but I don’t want to give up pleasuring myself. This guy has talked about how we ought to “keep ourselves pure.” (My thoughts on purity: I’ve already screwed that up!) Is there any good way to communicate to him that I’m not going to give up masturbating? It took long enough just to show him I wasn’t the spawn of Satan because I like girls as much as I like guys.

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Mismatched on Sex Dear MOS: The best way to communicate to this boy is to break up with him. Your boyfriend is essentially forcing you to pick between him and masturbation, and the choice is obvious: Masturbation is a pleasurable friend that doesn’t judge you or shame you, and your boyfriend is an unpleasant, sex-negative, controlling, judgmental scold. Ask yourself why you wasted even two minutes of your precious pansexual time on someone with whom you’re clearly not sexually compatible. Dating someone you had to talk out of seeing you as the spawn of Satan and also lie to about something as common and healthy as masturbation? You want to be with someone who likes you and wants to be with you. Why do you like him? Finally, I hope that parenthetical in your second paragraph was meant sarcastically. But just in case: Being sexually active does not make you “impure,” and I want you to get out of this relationship while you still believe it. Dear Dan: I’m a 24-year-old straight male and

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I’m unattractive. Physically I’m not bad (not hot but not ugly), but I’ve suffered from extreme depression all my life. I’ve gotten help, and it’s made me a little better. I’m functional, but low self-esteem and lethargy aren’t the best things for attracting the opposite sex. My sex life is poor, and my love life is nonexistent. I’ve never felt romantic chemistry with a woman ever, and I’m losing faith it will ever happen. I’ve always tried to respect women, but my inability to attract them sometimes leaves me feeling resentful. I don’t want to become a bitter men’s rights activist.

Unattractive Guy Longingly Yearns

D a n S ava ge

Dear UGLY: Louis C.K. did a bit about schlumpy guys — guys like him. “I like getting older,” he says, “because for me, the kind of guy I am, getting older makes my life better. My sex life? Way better at 45. … I’d like to make one of those ‘It Gets Better’ ads for dumpy young guys.” His advice for you: “Stay relatively employed and washed; you’re going to be amazing in your 40s. You’re going to be the branch that she can grab before she hits the ground. It just takes time for her circumstances to match your looks. When real shit matters, you’re going to be the sexiest motherfucker in the world.” My advice for you: Keep working on your depression, throw yourself into nonsexual pursuits that you enjoy, find a job you like and build a career, locate and patronize (and overtip) an independent sex worker (to help you learn to interact with women), and don’t allow bitterness to ruin you for those women you’re gonna get with in your 40s. Dear Dan: What is the lesbian synonym for

twink?

Can’t Ask Lesbian Friends Dear CALF: The wolves who follow me on Twitter tossed out a few suggestions: twyke, dykelet, Bieber. But the term of art is “baby dyke.”

Dear Dan: I expected more from you in your re-

sponse to ERR, a restaurant manager who was attempting to advise a “Mexican” employee who was having romantic problems. I’m not sure what being Mexican has to do with this issue at all, and I’m surprised you didn’t address this. It seems to underlie and subliminally support predisposed — OK, prejudicial — views. Replace the word Mexican with the word black in ERR’s question. Now try Jew, Russian, French ... Care to comment? ¿Por favor?

Tim in Toronto Dear TIT: A lot of immigrants from Mexico

work in restaurants in the United States. New or relatively new residents are often baffled by our strange sexual mores, which can include married ladies sleeping with restaurant workers who aren’t their husbands. During my years in the restaurant industry, I witnessed many decent and kind restaurant managers help their Mexican employees — some of whom were struggling with cultural and language barriers — navigate the unfamiliar social, political and sexual mores, norms and expectations encountered in the United States. So the detail struck me as both relevant and benign.

Have a question for Dan Savage? E-mail him at mail@savagelove.net

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