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Dear Dan: I’m a straight male, 30, in a long-term monogamous relationship. I love my wife, we have good sex, and often. When we first got together, I had a mild foot fetish. We still do foot play on occasion. But my fetish has grown stronger. Her appendages are all I can think about. I’m willing to do everything with my partner and make sure she’s satisfied. I don’t want anyone else. It’s just that she’s not into foot play and is rarely willing to partake. When she is, it’s brief. How can I relate my insatiable desire for her lovely appendages without sounding like an absolute freak? Is it fair for me to ask for this after being together so long without the same need?
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Dear FEET: I didn’t run your letter the first
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10,000 times you sent it because any regular reader of my column — and someone who emails me daily for three years is presumed to be a regular reader — would know what my advice would be in a case like yours: Level with your fucking wife about your boring fucking foot fetish already, you fucking coward. She may think those brief foot sessions are enough to satisfy what you’ve allowed her to believe is a mild foot fetish. Would those sessions be longer, more intense and freakier if she knew how central this was to your sexuality? Come out to your partner as the absolute freak that you are. While your dilemma is stupid and your spamming is annoying (and your wife potentially fictitious), I chose to run your letter because this is actually a pretty good hypothetical: “Is it fair for me to ask for this after being together so long without the same need?” Sexual boredom is a huge problem in many long-term monogamous relationships. We humans are wired to seek some degree of novelty and variety in everything we do. Two people who agree not to seek sexual novelty or variety outside of their relationship have to work at creating some of both inside the relationship or risk watching their sexual connection wither and die. (There are plenty of happy and sexless marriages out there, but a dead sexual connection can poison a relationship.) There is risk in disclosing: What if one partner’s “new need” is another partner’s libido killer? But I would argue that sexual boredom poses a much bigger threat than coming clean about an old or new kink.
Dear Dan: I’m a straight woman, married for 10 years. We’ve been in a rut, emotionally and sexually. Neither of us has done anything to harm or sabotage our marriage. We’re very good together, and the love we have is huge. I have plenty of male friends, but there’s one I’ve been getting to
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know, a colleague. We really connect. He kissed me a few weeks ago. I liked it. I like him. The impact on my marriage has been strangely great. I disclosed everything to my husband. He said, “I couldn’t get in the way of your happiness. Is this something you need to explore?” This is the response of someone who truly loves me. We’re communicating better now, our sex life is off the chain, and we’re committed to working through things as a couple. So why can’t I stop thinking of my colleague? I don’t plan on seeing him anymore. He’s a distraction to my marriage. But what do you do to get someone out of your head?
Wanting It Forever Dear WIF: Keep doing what you’re doing: Keep fucking your husband, keep avoiding your colleague, keep feeling your feelings, and with enough time, your crush should wither away. So far, it would appear that this emotional affair has had a positive impact on your marriage. So if your colleague knew you were married and didn’t ask you to leave your husband, and if your husband didn’t threaten to divorce you but asked if this was “something you need to explore,” you might be able to have a relationship with your colleague without having to end your marriage. Dear Dan: If a random guy hands a girl his number, unsolicited, on a piece of paper without talking to the girl first, is it wrong for the girl’s boyfriend to send this guy a picture of his shit? I think it’s OK. Others think it’s abhorrent. I think worse things have happened to people who ask out girls with protective and insecure boyfriends.
Butthole King Dear BK: It’s not really Random Guy to whom you’re being an asshole. RG is gonna delete the pic and get on with his life. So it’s not RG that you’re trying to intimidate or humiliate. It’s your girlfriend. You’re telling her that she’s stuck with a guy who regards her as his property and will react like a huge asshole whenever someone else expresses the least interest in her, even if she didn’t invite it. And you shouldn’t act like an asshole if she did invite it. Sometimes partnered people engage in a little innocent flirting because it makes them feel attractive and alive — and then, all cranked up, they go home and fuck the shit out of their partners. If you can’t chill the fuck out about it, your girlfriend is gonna get sick of your shit and delete you. The Savage Lovecast is at savagelovecast.com.
Have a question for Dan Savage? E-mail him at mail@savagelove.net