S AVA G E L O V E
CHANGE OF PACE Dear Dan: What do I say to my straight 14-year-old son about porn, if anything? My sister says all the research shows my son has been looking at porn for three years already. Am I too late?
Distressed Anxious Dad Dear DAD: “The average age a child first views Internet pornography is 11,” Matt Lauer warned parents on Today seven years ago. But the alarming statistic turned out to be bullshit. In 2005, Seth Lubove, a writer for Forbes, traced the stat back to its source. The Today show got it from The Boston Globe, which got it from Family Safe Media, which got it from Internet Filter Review (a website that markets content-blocking software). Internet Filter Review got it from The Drug of the New Millennium, a self-published book about the dangers of porn addiction. Lubove tracked down the self-published author, who couldn’t recall where he got that stat. Lubove reviewed actual research done by legit social scientists and reported that most kids don’t start actively seeking online porn until age 14. So you’re not too late. Here’s what I think you should tell your son about porn: There’s a lot of it out there, some of it’s pretty fucked up, and he can get in huge and potentially life-derailing trouble if he gets caught watching or downloading the wrong kind of porn. You should tell your son that the sex in porn bears about as much resemblance to real-life sex as action movies bear to real-life life. And warn him that a lot of porn is made by and for guys who are angry and resentful, and their anger and resentment creep into a lot of porn. If you put it in your straight son’s head that the poisonously misogynist shit he’ll see in some porn is there to appeal to angry losers who can’t get laid, your son will be less likely to internalize it. Finally, if your son is watching porn, he’s masturbating. Tell him to vary his routine: left hand, right hand, a little lube, a lot of lube, fi rm grip, loose grip. You don’t want your son to ruin himself for partnered sex by using the “death grip.” And send him to makelovenotporn.com for a brisk, sexpositive porn-versus-reality check. Dear Dan: Awhile ago, I broke up with my
long-term boyfriend. A few months after the breakup, I met someone new and we started sleeping together. It was the best sex of my life, wild, passionate and unpredictable. New Guy wasn’t looking for anything serious, and neither was I, so we kept things casual. After a couple of months of amazing sex, my longterm boyfriend came back into the picture. I told him I’d been seeing other people but that I missed him and wanted to make things work between us. But when we have sex, it just seems so dull and average compared with the volcanic sex I was having during our time apart. Do I
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sacrifice an amazing sex life for a happy life of decidedly average sex with the man I love?
Missing Amazing Sex Dear MAS: You’re not going to be happy having safe, boring, predictable sex with Mr. Long Term for the long term, right? Tell him the truth: The sex has to get better. Maybe Mr. Long Term is the problem (lousy at sex) or maybe it’s the combo of you and Mr. Long Term (maybe you two don’t click sexually), and the relationship is doomed no matter what you do. But there’s a chance your problem is a relatively common hang-up. It’s possible that you or Mr. Long Term, or you and Mr. Long Term feel inhibited during sex because you’re in love, and people who are in love are supposed to have sex one way (you’re supposed to make safe, boring, predictable love). But people who aren’t in love are free to have sex another way (wild, passionate and unpredictable fucks). Fuck each other like the stakes are low — like it’s casual and could end at any time. The “lovemaking” inhibition can be literally fucked death, if it’s the problem here. Once you’ve fucked it good and dead, you’ll see that you can have a happy life; a committed relationship; and wild, passionate, unpredictable sex — with the same person! But you gotta want it bad enough to fuck for it. Dear Dan: I’m a straight woman in a monogamous, long-distance relationship with a straight man. Last weekend, I went out with my roommate (also a straight woman, also in a committed relationship). We went to a club, took some E, and did way too many tequila shots. We stumbled home and ended up finger banging each other in my bed. I have never had sexual feelings for my roommate, and she says she doesn’t have them for me. Do I have to tell my boyfriend about this indiscretion? I know he would be confused and upset. It was a strange, one-time thing.
Not a Lesbian I Think Dear NALIT: If it was a one-time thing, if you learned your lesson, if you’re sure it won’t happen again, if you didn’t contract anything, you don’t need to disclose this indiscretion. Chalk it up to the E and the tequila, change your sheets, scrub under your fingernails, and spare your boyfriend the upsetting details. Dear Dan: Gay Republicans, Dan. Why? How?
Confused Dear C: Self-loathing, that’s why. Homophobia, that’s how.
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