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PORK ROCK&ROLL+WEIRDO ART+BAD IDEAS

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winter 2013

#9

bubblegum grease+dimestore delinquency

Gary Panter-Kaz-Shawn Pacheco-Burger City MeanJeans-Youthbitch-Matt Stanger

NOT SUITABLE FOR SQUARES

PORK

typical pork readers

HEY! SEND IN PICTURES OF YOU, YOUR FRIENDS OR OTHER NOTABLE PEOPLE READING PORK & WE’LL PUBLISH ‘EM!!!

ROCK&ROLL+WEIRDO ART+BAD IDEAS!!!

winter 2013 issue 9

HOT-TIPS FOR TWENTY-THIRTEEN

LET YOUR DOG SHIT ON THE STREET. SET OFF FIREWORKS ALL YEAR LONG. PUT VODKA IN YOUR SLURPEE. WEAR OFFENSIVE BUTTONS. OWN YOUR FARTS. ORDER EXTRA CHEESE. BURN RUBBER. MAKE A BOAT & RIDE THE RIVER. KILL SOMETHING & SELL IT. COLLECT FIREWOOD. RIDE THE RAILS. EAT SOMETHING YOU’VE NEVER EATEN. SWEAR IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. PLAY DICE. PLAY POKER. THROW YOUR TV OUT THE WINDOW. INVENT SOMETHING. MAKE GUNPOWDER. MAKE BEEF JERKY. MAKE BEER. GO THE EXTRA MILE. LEGALIZE EVERYTHING. IMPEACH EVERY PRESIDENT. REFUSE TO DO WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO DO. IMPORT WEIRD THINGS FROM FOREIGN COUNTRIES. LEAVE THE HOUSE. SLEEP LESS. TALK TO STRANGERS. CELEBRATE EVERY HOLIDAY AS HARD AS POSSIBLE. PUT EXTRA WHIP CREAM ON IT. WALK INSTEAD OF DRIVING. SMILE IN THE FACE OF DANGER. DON’T BLAME ANYONE. TRY IT, YOU’LL LIKE IT. FEEL THE SPIRIT. MAKE BABIES. SPANK A BOOTY. WRESTLE AN ALLIGATOR. EAT HOT FOOD. FASHION BEFORE FUNCTION. GET A SWITCHBLADE. PUT IT IN THE PIZZA. LIVE IN THE SEWERS. CALL YOUR MOTHER. DON’T TELL YOUR MOTHER. LISTEN TO THE DEMONS. HARNESS THE COSMIC ENERGY. PERFORM A SEANCE. WRITE POETRY. READ MORE BOOKS. DISCOVER SOMETHING. MAKE CONNECTIONS. BUG OUT. IF THE SHOE FITS, WEAR IT. GET OUT OF TOWN. GO UNDERGROUND. TUNE IN, TURN ON, DROP OUT. FREAK OUT. LIGHTEN UP. LIGHT UP. LIVE ON A RAFT. BUILD A FACTORY. WRESTLE AN OCTOPUS. TEACH AN OLD DOG NEW TRICKS. KILL YOUR INNER YUPPIE. GET IT & DO IT. GET IT ON. BANG A GONG. -SEAN

john waters!

WHITE MYSTERY!

kids like you & me!

WHITE MYSTERY TAKES A BATH IN WHITE MYSTERY BEFORE ROCKING THE BEHAVIOR CASTLE WITH GUANTANAMO BAYWATCH!

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PHOTO BY KATIE ÄABERG

««««PORK PERSONNEL«««« SEAN ÄABERG: BIG DADDY PORK KATIE ÄABERG: BIG MAMA PORK

CONTRIBUTORS: shawn dickinson, ERIN EVeN, CHICO FELIX, ANDY GABRYSIAK, dIRTY DONNY GILLIES, lmg, aNDREW GOLDFARB, AMELIA HART, NICO HUALDE, BEN LYON, BOBBY MADNESS, J.J. McKAY, JAKE RAT, DANIEL SHOUP, THE ILLAGE VIDIOT. MODELS: THE ÄABERG BROTHERS, SAMUEL CLATTERBUCK, ALLISON DITSON, AMELIA HART, MIRANDA JENEE, MARIKO, AARON SULLIVAN, athena wisotsky ART & WRITING: SEAN ÄABERG (541) 556-5778 PHOTOGRAPHY: KATIE ÄABERG (541) 556-4364 HAIR & MAKEUP: AMELIA HART (541) 870-0345 COSTUMERY: ALLIHALLA (ALLIHALLA.COM) PORK is published quarterly by GOBLINKO. SIX ISSUE SUBSCRIPTIONS ARE AVAILABLE FOR $20 (USA. MORE FOR FOREIGNERS.) sPECIAL THANKS: THE EVER-LOVIN’ PORK ARMY, the extended pork family, Nick Krause, Otto, Henry & Jimmy for being so good. our advertisers! THE PORkLAND GANG! burger city! TEXAS AND mexico city pork army! you WANNA ADVERTISE! CONTACT KATIE@INTERNETPORK.COM or CALL 541*556*5778 FOR PORK’S REASONABLE RATES!

DANNY DODGE WINS THE HOT DOG EATING CONTEST AT THE BLACK MASS AT SEESEE!

PORK/GOBLINKO is available as a full-service ad agency & Fink Tank. From video games to TV spots to political strategies. STAND OUT FROM THE CROWD WITH GOBLINKO!

PORK #9: 30,000 PRINT RUN

ALL CONTENT COPYRIGHT © 2013 GOBLINKO. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. PORK ARMY. FLYING EYES. 2 OVER TEN. foad. ftw.

PORKETTE MIRANDA BUMPS THE BUMPERS AT BLAIRALLY.

PORK ARMY KALAMAZOO AYA DIGS GRAVES IN PARIS!

PHOTO BY KATIE ÄABERG

“Rock and roll is the hamburger that ate the world.” -Peter York

Q. How do you get rid of the guitarist on your front porch? A. Pay him for the pizza.

Gewalttätigen & Zie

rlichen!

by Sean Äaberg ROLLING STONES INCENSE BURNER

Here at the PORK WEIRDO PAD, we’s always burning tons of incense to keep the house smelling really spiritually intense & as the Slow Poisoner said, “Like a teenage hippie.” With your Rolling Stones incense burner, you’ll get low-down & dirty while sending your troubles up & away into the heavens. As above, so below & so on & so on.

kusari fundo

The other day I was thinking about how each of our sons should have their own specialty street weapon. As if on cue, Otto started brandishing this chain & it reminded me of the Japanese fighting chain, the Kusari Fundo. Originating in Feudal Japan, the Kusari Fundo is great for intimidating people because who wants to get hit with a weighted chain?

Brother Malcolm once said, “By Any Means Necessary” & that’s the way I feel about making enough green to make our dreams come true! Why use ordinary air fresheners when you can be spraying Money House Blessings & increasing the cosmic potential of your earning stream? Money House Blessing spray is part of Hoodoo ritual house-cleaning, not unlike the burning of incense or sage, it transforms the air of your house from pennies to dollars! If I was making this money spray, I’d make it smell more mystical & more powerful, in case anyone is listening. Contains Indian Fruit Oil, Nine Indian Fruits & Indian Spirit.

thai & true sarachee sauce

I eat WAY more sriracha sauce than ketchup these days & as much as I dig the standard Huy Fong brand, I was stoked when Amelia left this Thai & True Sarachee sauce at our house! Made in Portland, Oregon by Thai emigres, this sriracha sauce is KILLER. It has a more interesting flavor than the Huy Fong, I don’t think it’s as hot, but the sauce has a more complicated flavor which is a welcome switch-up.

DAL TOKYO BY GARY PANTER (fantagraphics)

DAL TOKYO has been a legendary comic for a long time now, not unlike Panter’s “Cola Madnes” which was also referenced & never read. Serialized first in the pages of the LA Reader & later in Japanese Reggae magazine RIDDIM, DAL TOKYO explores a Texan/Japanese terraforming of Mars through Panter’s thorougly poetic/modern art approach; this is the promise of the 60s.

POPEYE SPINACH

RADICAL RINGS

MONEY SPRAY

garbage pail kids

The Slow Poisoner was telling me that he only messes with spinach these days, but apparently spinach contains opioids & so you actually get an opioid high if you eat bags of the stuff. What adds to all this is that spinach also makes your muscles work better! “It is like a fuel additive for your muscles - it makes them run much more smoothly and efficiently,” says Dr. Eddie Weitzberg of the Karolinska Institutet in Sweden. So just like Popeye, if you eat your spinach you’ll get a muscle boost & feel less pain & you’ll turn from a weak nobody into a whirlwind of violence!

I was the first kid in school to get Garbage Pail Kids when they first came out in 1986. I quickly became a Garbage Pail Kid dealer, spreading the trash to other kids. Eventually my school & the store where I bought them bought the hype & banned the cards, drawing the line in the sand & marking themselves as the enemy forever. There’s a NEW series of Garbage Pail Kids out & they’re even for sale in the dollar stores now! Diggum!

shit in a can & fart spray

I have three young sons & a dog so the appeal of fake shit in a can isn’t as strong as it was when I was a kid, only in charge of one shit-stream, but man, you gotta love aerosol foam turds! Combine this with a can of fart spray & you’re ready to start spreading the news!!! Every household & business are just itching to have their calm shattered with with a freshly laid, smelly turd, but with shit & farts in a can, you can cause ALL the mayhem without the unsanitary disgust of actual shit! Try it out on grandma! Lay one in Church! Discover who has a sense of humor!

We’s always going krazy over the biker rings & there are so many radical ones out there to choose from!!! These rings are from bigjoesbikerrings.com, REPOP MFG, RXVRINGS & the flying pig is a discontinued, vintage design. These Mexican Souvenir style rings are our favorite!

spain: ROCK, ROLL, RUMBLES, REBELS, & REVOLUTION (last gasp)

Schmiere & SUAVECITO pomadeS

There is a huge world of pomades out there Underground Comix pioneer & all around just waiting to slime their way into your hair. cool dude Spain Rodriguez sadly just took Bogs of waxy, lightly scented pomade, made his last ride around the sun, only days out of all manner of congealed fats. You can after I got this book. Spain’s comix reflect make your own really easily, you can buy his greaser & biker background (he was a radical brands like Schmiere & Suavecito & Road Vulture) which gives his comix a lot you can sell your own. more muscle than some of his nerdier peers (R. Crumb) & I always dug this about his work. He loved drawing denim, leather & motorcycles & it really shows. Spain’s art immediately says, “Crumb plus Kirby” to me, regardless of influence, which I hear was master Wally Wood. Spain was an old-school lefty, when the word still meant something dinos boys: play dead/scab & his comix carried a lot of the populist perspective from the ground up which is an (die slaughterhouse) These Dinos Boys have that scumbag admirable trait in any work. I would have PORK reader look to them, like the liked to interview him for PORK. RIP. Dead Boys & their music matches so USA BY travois goods pick this record up! GUN RING This radical USA silhouette with Things in America groovy psychedelic letters print haven’t been wild speaks to me. Mebbe it’s because enough for a long I was born during the bicentennial time to warrant which was the peak of groovy pastuff like gun rings triotism, maybe because spiritual being in the common travelling in this big old country parlance, but just of ours is the way to give it a soul between you & me, & energy we can get down with, shit’s gonna go down whatever the reason this is radical & you’re gonna need & you should check out the rest of all kinds of wacky Travois Good’s wares. goo-gaws to take care of business.

REAL-CLASS leather goods

“middle finger” key blank After blowing 8 bucks on this radical key-blank you’ll never lose your keys again & you’ll be ready to “Fuck this door!” “Sacred cows make the best hamburger.” -Mark Twain

Our homeboy Sean Digger is another one of these dudes that has popped up out of seemingly nowhere & it’s just like he automatically fits into the whole deal. I know PORK is the same for a lot of people, & that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Anyhow, a lot of us old Punk Rockers are leatherized fools, thoroughly treated with chemicals & hard living & we’re built to last motherfuckers! Like this Real-Class leather! Treat your leather right & it’ll last longer than you! Amazing custom leatherwork from Texas! realclassleather.com

masonic stuff

This radical Masonic emblem was made by David Gulesarian of the Freemasons Store. He makes a bunch of radical biker rings & other wild Masonic items as well. The whole world of fraternal orders & secret societies has been interesting to me for a long time, but I feel that the time has come & gone for the old order.

magic candles

One of the grocery stores here in Eugene sells those little colored candles for “candle magic” which is alright, but when you start digging into the world of magic candles there’s all sorts of crazy shit out there just waiting to be melted! Devil candles, black-cat candles, humpin’ candles, penis candles, pussy candles, pyramid candles & everything under the sun is rendered in wax!

¡Malos y Buenos!

hideshi hino

When I was going crazy in Pig Town, Baltimore in my little room that overlooked an alley, teeming with rats, ornery dogs & sheisty crack-heads, I spent a lot of time exploring the fucked up world of Japanese Weirdo Artist Hideshi Hino. There is a romance to his portrayal of highly disfunctional instant karma life that shows the true value of People criticize a lot of subcultures for being “automatic lifestyles” that you can just buy all experience. Remember that. into. This is probably an apt criticism but the real issues at hand are of initiation, the control of culture & power lineages. In the end, you may have just bought something thinking that it was an easy in, but the same trials & tribulations will face you in life regardless of petty actions along the way. If you don’t face them in this life, you will face them the next time around & so on & so on until you are released from the great wheel of life. So when I tell you that part of your initiation into the world of PORK is to smoke two joints, put on Led Zeppelin I & II & read the Hobbit, it is what it is. A lesser person will take less from this experience & a greater person will be able to unlock doors in their consciousness.

RADICAL PATCHES

As the cut-sleeve establishes itself as THE DEAL, the patch follows, as what is a denim vest without patches? NOTHING. We got here the radical Troll patch from demonic artist Skinner, Paint or Die from tattooist Dick Burdine, That Devil Made Me Do it which is vintage, Charlie Don’t Surf from Patchattack. com & our own Pizza Knife from internetpork.com.

KRIS STYLE SWITCHBLADE

Swiss Army knives are a symbol of manhood in the PORK world. Switchblades are a symbol of delinquency. A kris blade automatic knife gives your delinquency a wavy, southeast Asian flavor & an air of distinction.

HARLOCK BENDIES

Beyond The Music:

magic mags

When they started making toys for grown-ass men that were marketed with “points of articulation” I wanted to throw all toys out the window. But diggit, bendies have INFINITE points of articulation!

America has a rich history of spiritual hokum & hooham spirited up by sideshow shamans & mercantile Merlins. Many of the old mystic magazines are still in print! Do a little digging & discover our past!

How Punks are Saving the World with DIY Ethics, Skills, & Values by Joe Biel (microcosm publishing)

The title of this book bugs the shit out of me. People who think that they need to “save the world” start out as Polly-Annaish & if they’re successful tend to end up Hitlerian. That said, the title fits the book because what it’s really saying is that there are people out there who do not fit into or do not like the system & have done things their own way & are making the world a better place by doing that. This is a collection of interviews with my peers, people who came up in the Punk scene & were go-getters & didn’t buy into the whole fuckin’ mess & sell out, but instead, followed their heart & their stubborn heads & carved out a niche for themselves & hustled their shit out there despite everything. We are immigrants in our own country, surrounded by people we can’t relate to & trying to find the other people who speak our language. As the system gets shittier & shittier it’s a great time to throw away any capitulation you might make to it & do your own thing, as hard as you can.

START YOUR OWN MOBILE BUSINESS - road warrior style

Food carts have become a part of the landscape in most American cities. Pictured above is Pig Vicious of Austin, Texas. They’re a cheap way to start up a restaurant-type business without the absurd overhead of running a normal restaurant. The internet has allowed a lot of us to start up boutiques in a similar manner, but what they lack is the street-level reality of being able to interact with the merchandise & the shop girls & the smells, sounds & touch sensations that make the boutique a crucial part of the cultural formula. The KLF put the idea of a touring the land in an ice-cream van in my head a long time ago & we’re gearing up to get our PORK SHOP on WHEELS together! Don’t pay rent! Own your own shop! FOLLOW THE MONEY!!! Take your shop to different cities! It’s the way to go!!! Also, with super-storms, earthquakes, floods, hurricanes & riots, you can flee the enemy!!!

good comix

I seriously gave up on comics for a long time, like I gave up on music, but there are some great comics being published these days if you can find ‘em. Check out “Eat To Survive” by Jeff Mahannah & HMBRGR HOUSE titles by our own Tim Root.

paint fumes

This record makes me feel like I’m huffing paint fumes & that’s a good thing. Weird, cool, rockin’ songs that are Kreepy Krawly.

PORK’S KID KORNER! we’re launching our line for real kids! look out turkeys! puss’n’boots, the magazine for real kids!!! coming in 2013!!! kool kash!!!

kool music!!! Face it mom & dad, music made for kids sucks! Luckily for us there’s a world of music that’s great for kids like Nobunny, Personal & the Pizzas & bands like Mötörhead, the Ramones & KISS!!! We’ll check ‘em out & get the low down straight from their mouths! kool JUNK!!! We dig around EVERYWHERE to find the koolest junk around like this Stinky Little Trash Monster! Books, toys, clothes, accessories, video games, places to visit, things to do, Puss N Boots will bring you the koolest junk for kids around!

Just because you’re a kid doesn’t mean you shouldn’t concern yourself with money! The best things in life might be free, but tell that to the guys who run your favorite stores! Tell that to your landlord! You gotta make that money! krazy kartoons!!! The best way to view the amazing beauty & abomination of the world is through the spaghetti & meatballs kraziness of kartoons! Laugh & the world laughs with you! Use the rubber resilience of of kartoons to bounce back from all manner of foibles!

THIS KRAZY WORLD!

There is an endless world of stuff out there for you to discover & figure out!!! Learn about everyday stuff like hamburgers & pizza to weird things like bigfoot, UFOs & conspiracy theories! The more you know, the more you realize you don’t know! What!?!? Q.How do they prevent crime in Burger Country? A.With burger alarms!

MATT STANGER:PORTLAND'S GREASIEST 白 い 悪 魔 指 爆 竹 マ ザ ー フ ァ ッ カ ー Matt Stanger is holding it down in Porkland, Oregon. A one-man, compressed-air blast of life as art of grease, cheese, pomade & smoke against a tsunami of lame bullshit. SEAN: How did you get into this whole krazy world of Rock&Roll, Weirdo Art & Bad Ideas? STANGER: I’ve kinda always been a Weirdo Artist, my dad was a sign painter when I was a kid and a banjo player in a bluegrass band so there was always art and music going on around the house. I watched a lot of cartoons and even though it was Mormon Idaho, luckily my family was subversive enough to turn me onto Ralph Bakshi movies and Freak Brothers comics. My sister is now the world famous cartoonist Dame Darcy, who’s been writing and illustrating her own comic book “Meat Cake” for the last twenty years. I’ve been obsessed with Batman as long as I can remember, for most of my teens I sculpted figurines and had ambitions of working for Will Vinton studios, but when they sold the shop to Nike I completely lost interest. I discovered the Cramps in 9th grade and it was all over for me, any chance of living a normal life was thrown out the window. Check Your Head, low rider bicycles, and weed didn’t help any either. My family has a horse ranch in southern Idaho where at a point in the seventies my grandfather had the most Appaloosas in the world and can almost be singlehandedly credited for breeding the Appaloosa out of extinction. Appaloosas are those horses that have spots on their ass. I’m babbling. SEAN: You did this musical the Bikini Creature Beach Feature, how did that come about? Any more theater pieces in the works? STANGER: I wrote, staged, scored, and costumed a surf rock musical called Bikini Creature Beach Feature last year. A friend of mine was managing a theater in Portland and sort of told me to write a play and that he’d produce it. I had zero theater experience but he had commissioned some paintings from me and somehow thought I could be a playwright. And goddammit if I’m not great at it! The mayor came on Saturday night to my goofy ass surf play that was packed with the dumbest bluest jokes I could come up with, we even had a gag about teabagging the mayor (he’s gay and has a sense of humor, I think). Anyway the play was an homage to Frankie and Annette surf movies with a lot more glue sniffing! I was like 15 when Pulp Fiction came out and that got me into surf music, as corny as it sounds. About the time I finished writing it I saw Guantanamo Baywatch play and pretty much told them that they had to be the featured guest band. I think Chevelle thought I was full of shit, but they agreed, and next thing ya know I’m airbrushing sabre tooth tiger scratches all over her to go with the saucy lil Pebbles costume we made. Life is wild man. Jason Powell, their main guy, is one of the goofiest, nicest people I know, we talked

about startin’ a Las Vegas grind kinda band to play at strip clubs around town. I have written a sequel, called the Groovy Vernacular Hippy Spectacular which is slightly darker than my first play. It involves a biker gang infiltrating the Manson Family and trying to ruin an attempt to spike the Portland reservoir with acid. I don’t know when the sequel will happen but I’m totally ready. SEAN: What bands are you playing with currently? STANGER: I’m the guitar player for the Lordy Lords, we are currently on hiatus at the moment. I’m playin’ keyboards in a Sonics cover band called the Dirty Rubbers. Which started as a one-off gig but the response was so good we

STANGER: Things in Portland that we get stereotyped for kind of drive me crazy, most of that behavior comes from people who haven’t lived here very long but there are a lot of them! Remember that yuppie couple in “Best in Show” that both had braces and met at two different Starbucks? We got a lot of them. Maybe I’m just getting old but it seemed like a wave of those people crashed on us and took all the design jobs and bought all the houses. I’m no native but I consider myself a local. As far as the Greasy, we got it in spades baby! That’s the best part! Live girl-on-girl sex shows at Casa Diablo! Dead Moon! The 24-hour Church of Elvis! Sons of Huns! Fried chicken at the Reel em Inn! Zach’s Shack hot dogs at 3 AM! The Oregon Trail card! Burnside Skatepark! Punk shows at Burgerville! Frank and Connie’s hearse! Shooting guns with Justin from the Advisory in decided to stick with it for a while. The Primitive his basement! The fun never stops in Portland, Oregon and the Idols make up the backbone and Danny Dodge real people aren’t keeping it weird they are just becoming more from the No Tomorrow Boys is the singer. Another insane! I’m usually pretty broke but I have more fun than most one in the works is Batarang, a Batman-themed people can imagine in their wildest dreams! I swear to god. garage parody band. We’ll be making out grand premiere at Portland’s first Gotham-a-Go-Go night in January at the White Owl. January 12th is the original air date of the Adam West Batman show, it’s the 47th anniversary this year, so I wanna keep the dance party going til 2016 when we’ll have a fiftieth anniversary party and really blow it up! I’m trying to rent a Batmobile now. Currently my main focus is selling the coloring book I illustrated, “The Naughty Ladies of Naked City”. It’s a 72-page pin up coloring book for girls with a paper doll in the middle. I drew it mostly while I was at my job Naked City Clothing. Naked City is owned by a great lady named Julian Recanzone who I’ve known since I was 16 and hired me as the store’s official window painter some ten years ago, her husband is the president of a local biker club. Melody, a girl I work with and a talented musician in her own right, was watching me draw this girly picture one day and told me I should make a coloring book because she really wanted to color it in. So I had a total lightbulb over the head moment and decided to make it. So I blame Melody. She’s currently in Sweden. It was hard for me to keep the pictures from becoming filthy, but I intentionally made it a PG-13 kind of dirty. I don’t mind alienating people but in this case I didn’t want to. As well as working at the clothing store, I airbrush t-shirts, paint signs, organize parties and events, body paint at strip clubs (a whole article of its own, yikes! (who wants to READ about that, I’m calling a photo shoot! NEXT ISSUE!!!! -SEAN)), and DJ at bars around town. SEAN: Portland is now world-famous for being a land of near-sighted, gluten free, uptight, neurotic, vegan, sexless book-worms with hairy legs & smelly armpits but there’s A LOT of GREASY stuff going on too. Discuss.

DON’T TELL YOUR MOTHER BUT THERE’S A WAR ON FOR YOUR ASS! FREE YOUR ASS & YOUR MIND WILL FOLLOW. THESE TRASHY TOTEMS ARE SYMBOLS CREATED FOR MAXIMUM BOOTY FREEDOM.

A 15”X20” RED & BLACK SCREENPRINTED WAR BANNER OF OUR TOP TRASHY TOTEMS THAT CAN BE CUT INTO LITTLE PATCHES OR HUNG IN YOUR WEIRDO PAD OR WHATEVER! JUST $20 AT THE PORK SHOP! INTERNETPORK.COM “Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.” -Jim Morrison

Q. What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A. A zipper!

BEN TIPTON:BURGER CITY

バ ー ガ ー 市 内 ロ ッ ク ン ロ ー ル

Who’s that boy with the sandwich in his hand?

Ben Tipton is Burger City Rock&Roll in Austin, Texas. As PORK crushes forward guys like Ben make themselves known, they have heard the call & are ready to rumble! Ben Tipton is a champion of our culture & you should really get to know this guy. SEAN: You’re holding down the world of Greasy Rock&Roll in Austin! How did you find yourself in this position & what are the roots of your Rock? BEN: Cooking burgers for a living, smelling like french fries, listening to the Manitobas “Party Starts Now” song & Bobby Steele CDs in the back of a smelly bar & frequenting a sketchy pool hall for beers after work. My cousins turned me on to GNR at the beach during the summer of 87. SEAN: GNR rules! You do great artwork, what kind of stuff did you draw a kid? I used to draw flying turds called “turd birds.” BEN: I feel like a Turd Bird today after some questionable decisions i made last night. As a kid I was fascinated with gang graffiti and swastikas, I drew lots of these bro lookin dudes with goatees as well, Vic Rattlehead & Eddie, the Kevin Staab “mad scientist” deck and what later become widely regarded as the Stussy “S”. I have always been a huge fan of lettering in general. SEAN: Swastikas rule! Rock&Roll is the burger the ate the world, so Burger City must be its capital. Is Burger City a place that is in our hearts? BEN: “FLY TO DA HEART”, I think ICE-T said that. SEAN: Ice-T rules! Gimme the whole run-down of Burger City stuff. BEN: Booking shows at Hotel Vegas, Playing records every Sunday night at the Grand trying to put out some more records and gearing up for SXSW, looking forward to doin’ BURGERMANIA 2 with the Burger Records boys!!! The Bad Lovers record. Favorite live band: The Memories; favorite Local: Pharaohs; favorite song: tie between Magic Jake “Loving Knife” and A. Rex J. Rex “Rock N Roll Heart”. I was supposed to mail Personal (Pizza) a shirt like 2 months ago. I’m sorry dog, I promise I’ll get it to you soon. And I don’t smell like french fries anymore! SEAN: Explore Ben’s Burger City here! burgercityrocknroll.bigcartel.com burgercityrocknroll.blogspot.com

KATIE ÄABERG FAR-OUT SCENES

541*556*4364

Katieaaberg.tumblr.com “Rock and Roll: Music for the neck downwards.” -Keith Richards

ritual tattoo will be hosting a sean Ă„aberg art show for the month of january! opening party on the first friday!

Q. What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm? A. Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

It’s 1986 & I’m ten years old. Pee-wee’s Playhouse broadcasts on Saturday mornings right before a class I’m taking at the Art School I’ll later attend & drop out of. While watching Pee-wee’s Playhouse I realize what kind of art I want to make. The art philosophy of the class I’m taking is so boring that I take to cutting class & walking down the street where I find a Japanese-owned video store called “Video Room” next to a candy store. I buy rubber Godzilla & Ghidra figures at the Video Room & “Jungle Jollies” taffy at the candy store. The candy wrappers are obvious art products. They are selling RAW & JIMBO collections at the bookstore up the street. At the time I didn’t know who Gary Panter was, but he was a major part of all of this. SEAN: You’re frequently called “The Father of Punk Comics” & “King of the Ratty Line”, but you also identified as a Freak-Out Hippie. It’s 2012 & a lot of the divisions & labels of the past aren’t really relevant anymore, how are you positioning yourself today & how do you feel you fit in or don’t fit in to the way things are? GARY: The labels are not very important or helpful. I had fun in hippie days and punk days and they are states of mind really. I am just trying to stay creative in the mediums that interest me. All my life, or since I was 10 years old, I have been painting and interested in Modern Art and I am still painting and addressing the conversation of Modern Art. Comics are an interesting form and I am trying to get better and keep evolving. I think that the arts are trying to comfort and help humanity evolve. I have been in a band for years now with Devin Flynn and Ross Golstein and that is really fun. SEAN: Speaking of the conversation of Modern Art, your dad ran dime stores, right? I know you’ve talked about the inspiring ephemeral objects of the dime store & how they’ve influenced your work. I’ve been obsessed with the ideas behind Pop Art & how there is this idea about almost Platonic ideals of commercial products which although not intended as High Art, when presented as Art end up fitting in perfectly. Your work, from Cola Madnes to Pee-wee’s Playhouse to your paintings which involve characters from candy boxes & dinosaur toys & stuff all speaks to this as well. I feel like the next step is to put the art back into the dime store & continue the circle so that there is no distinction on any level. Ideas? GARY: The objects in dime stores, manufactured goods aiming low, often have nice shapes, forms, colors and simple associations and associations in tandem. I wrote a manifesto in 1979, a satirical manifesto called the ROZZ TOX manifesto and what you suggest was one of the messages. That artists and good and interesting design was important and that the bottom line is not the final decider of the form of the object but that the quality of life the products engender and the civilization that they call into being should be a consideration. That was one of the points--that personal art and commissioned commercial art are in separate conversations but also in conversation with each other like birds watching other species of birds and there is an output from that which can be adaptive. SEAN: Due to the atomized nature of our society & the oatmeal-like consistency of the major media streams & the embracing of “failure” by what should be the avant-garde, the art world spins into obscurity while the mainstream bleaches itself into a flaky-crackery-like substance. I am always STARVING for REALLY COOL SHIT. This should be a national priority. I’m appointing you as a Minister of Culture. What do you do? GARY: Minister of culture -- gee whiz. When I have been to Japan I have been impressed with tiny outposts of culture -- tiny reading rooms with interesting publications that are a place to rest and have tea. I guess I am not interested in being a minister of culture, but I am interested in doing more cultural projects. I am interested in doing my light show installations with Joshua White for one thing. We got to do a big light show installation in Detroit last year and it was really cool to make a place full of sculptures activated by light and music that people could wander through. Etching, woodcut, and hand litho print shops are becoming more rare -- if I was king I would preserve those and enlarge upon them. I would be interested in trying to do interesting puppet shows someday,

though most puppets suck. the Bread and Puppet theater is an interesting phenomenon. I like physical books and libraries. Handmade arts. If I was king I would abolish television and video games. SEAN: The world of cartoons is like a Pop Animism, where everything is alive & resonates & is always dancing. I’ve always got this feeling from your art, that everything is resonating & everything is alive, including how your work brings life to other things that we might not have felt were “alive” not unlike the way the Warhol brought “life” to apparently mundane objects. As far as I’m concerned this is the artist’s “job” & this is the sort of culture that speaks to & enriches the people. Ideas? GARY: I look at comics as part of the art world, at its best a world of sensitives who try to see and hear and encourage others to hear and see. And try to evolve as animals with heart. Often, though, a great deal of the art world is involved in manufacturing and protecting value and also puffery, so that a recurring activity of the artist seer hearer is to elevate the common and lowly to change something’s station up, which can be very nice. Duchamp’s snow shovel for instance. It is often accomplished by only pointing to something that is resonant and a generator of some sort -- if you stare at it or contemplate it. Dubuffet seemed to have been some kind of animist that believes or proposes that every grain of sand is alive and striving. I do believe every plant and animal and germ has some sort of consciousness -- maybe dirt does too. SEAN: Cola Madnes & Dal Tokyo were sort of “secret” or “hidden” comics to people who have been following you over the years, was this intentional? They have both lived up to my imagination! GARY: Since I have persisted in doing somewhat experimental or difficult comics, my readership has remained small, so my work ends up operating in some interesting corners. Probably a whole lot of people saw Dal Tokyo while it ran in Tokyo out of our sight. Smallness can retain some personality or human touch. Giant projects reach a lot of people and operate at a higher economic reward/risk zone. They eat more of your time harder. The internet has perhaps created the idea that everything is too available and that everything is there -- so maybe making obscurities might be an interesting path. That is not what I am trying to do, though. I am trying to make work that is interesting to me while I can still move around. SEAN: Me & my boys were watching the old Pee-wee HBO special & I noticed a Rat Fink poster on the wall next to Pee-wee’s bed (Gary was Pee-wee Herman’s art director). How has Weirdo Art influenced your work? GARY: When I was a kid and still I loved striking, oddball, weird, and faddish stuff, I used to get ten cents for drawing weirdos on my grade school classmates shirts with magic markers after school. Forry Ackerman, editor of Famous Monsters of Filmland, and Ed Roth and Stanley Mouse, even, were like having weird old uncles who would turn you on to crazy and mentally stimulating stuff, but you also knew that you could trust those guys to not steer you wrong. They were steering us towards a world and life of creative stimulation and work and goofing off. Maynerd G Krebs, Basil Wolverton, John Astin, Claus Oldenberg. Roth was great because he was pitching the gnarliest stuff but with such good humor. I wore a Rat Fink hat and Mother’s Worry t-shirt, sunglasses, Bermuda shorts, flip-flops and a madras windbreaker back then. Still sounds like a good outfit.

The ROZZ-TOX Manifesto (a 1980 artifact with end of the millenium resonances) by Gary Panter

Item 1: The avant-garde is no corpus. It merely lies in shock after an unfortunate bout with its own petard. It feigns sleep but one eye glitters and an involuntary twitch in the corner of the mouth belies a suppressed snicker. The giggle of coming awake at one’s own funeral dressed in atomic TV beatnik furniture. A mutant with a mission. Item 2: There are twenty years left in the twentieth century. Twenty years to reap the rewards and calamities that have been put in motion in this period. At this time a current of aesthetic function is emerging: the inevitable culmination of concepts and experiments pioneered and conducted in this century. We declare society an amusement park and one to be dead reckoned with. Item 3: A deadly texture and tone have taken the cereal Nirvana: a misanthrope born of capital realities, tendencies, and inter-office memos. Sightless businessmen-posed-entertainers shovel up tons of soulless Saturday morning animation. Would that you could make cost effective the rubbery genius that was the Saturday morning of our youth. Item 4: We say enough to the instigators of game show design for we are sick and dizzy. Show us the backs of these monstrous facades, for even bare plywood is a healthier texture. Oh you seekers of the new who run terrified from history into the clutches of an eternal life where no electric shaver can be built to last. Item 5: Close the bars! We require well lit media centers that serve soft drinks and milk. We require that top-40 radio stop it. And this for extant executive entertainers: We know when to laugh. Machines don’t, and it is irritation to hear them laugh at the wrong time. They laugh at nothing and nothing isn’t funny. Item 6: Find the evil doers, the merchant peddlers of Pavlovia who use our unmentionable parts against us. Will you hide behind a scrim of two-dimensional phosphorescence when Biology exacts its reward? Item 7: Profound faith in glamour is a surefire way to not see that you kill what you eat. We believe and worship a two-dimensional world. No god printers save us when we stand naked and brainless before an uncompromising and impartial physicality. We are sick now/get wise to the media. Join the art police. We call for posting of cow pictures in every fast food franchise. And for vegetarians, recordings of screaming vegetables at every salad bar. Item 8: Beautiful and effective communicative marketing and aesthetic media are not innately evil; merely seductive. However, seductive aesthetics and media are prone to undermine common sense and vision in a capitalistic culture. Our own creations have shamed us. Teaching us that the hand and opinion of the individual are not as legitimate as that of opinion transmuted and inflated by broadcast ... especially when that opinion is on 80-pound coated stock, in full color ... or when that opinion steals invisibly and incomprehensibly into a box in our homes. Would that society reveled in certain varieties of vandalism and disarray. May we mow our lawns and remain civilized. Item 9: It is unfortunate and unacceptable what vile and lazy do-nothings are given unwarranted credence for mouthing such foul and mean cliches as “rip-off” and “sell-out.” They have no understanding of our economy and the time it takes society to go. Confess and shut up! Capitalism good or ill is the river in which we sink or swim. Inspiration has always been born of recombination. Item 10: In a capitalist society, aesthetics as an endeavor flows through a body which is built of free enterprise and various illnesses. In boom times art may be supported by wildcat speculation or by excess funds in form of grants from the state or patronship as a tax write-off. Currently we are suffering from a lean economy. By necessity we must infiltrate popular mediums. We are building a business-based art movement. This is not new. Admitting it is. Item 11: Business: 1. To create a pseudo-avant-garde that is cost effective. 2. To create merchandising platforms on popular communications and entertainment media. 3. To extensively mine our recent and ancient past for icons worth remembering and permutating: recombo archaeology. Item 12: Waiting for art talent scouts? There are no art talent scouts. Face it, no one will seek you out. No one gives a shit. Item 13: Market saturation was reached in the sixties - everyone knows that. Fine Elitist Art is of diminishing utility. There is not more reward for maintaining or joining an elite and sterile crew. Item 14: Elitist art cannot help the emergent complex through its painful and potentially stupidly dangerous adolescence. Start or support primitive industry, propaganda to no dogma, and environmental jars. Item 15: Law: If you want better media, go make it. Item 16: We are born capitalists and manufacturers of alternative goods and services. We are made propagandists and propose an antimedia to dogma. We call for popular environmental manipulators, primitive industry, an avant-garde placed squarely in the entertainment field, for archaeologists and synthesizers. Item 17: A call for mutant intuition and wrestling is real. A current that synthesizes ideas and entertainment .. an antimedia that creates, participates, and services a broader-based lunatic fringe and one that is capable of finishing the century outright. An avant-garde that has no mean diversion and stocks the supermarket. Item 18: Our lack of popularity in high school has led us to think and thinking has led us to this. No war is waged here; only a strain, a virus, a toxoid, a Rozz-Toxoid. The emergent complex asks for just twenty years of your time. Now, stand and sing ... Final Note: Capitalism for good or ill is the river in which we sink or swim, and stocks the supermarket.

“Isn’t life a series of images that change as they repeat themselves?” -Andy Warhol

Q. What do you get if you cross a surrealist with a boxer? A. Mohammed Dali

HEEEEY KIDS!!!

wop bomma loo wop a wamma bamma lou!!!

i’m so stoked to host pork time from the moon! let’s shopping!

welcome to world war 3 sushi! i am mariko, your host & chef!

PORK TIME!!!

WHAT TIME IS IT? what does this krazy shop sell?

oh wow!

aliens are selling all kinds of krazy junk! hey there!

jesus h!

the butthole roll

oohhhh...

i wanna eat a troll!!!

the troll roll AND EVERYONE GETS REAL FAR OUT!!!

THEE CORMANS ARRIVE AT THE MOON MALL! DIGGIT! THE WINNER OF the second PORK TIME CONTEST IS

pugy sinner OF mexico city! HE WON A PORK shopping spree!!!

THEY FIT IN WITH THE MOON’S ALIEN SCENE RIGHT AWAY. THE NEXT CONTEST IS: “ultimate typical pork reader portrait” email ENTRY TO SEAN@INTERNETPORK.COM you could win a $50 pork shopping spree!

you cou ld win !

“The moon is a friend for the lonesome to talk to.” -Carl Sandburg

HOLY MOLEY! FOR REAL!!! AYE CARAMBA! GIMME FIVE!!!

A W H ME ITH A L R IA T!

live, from the

moon mall!!! i’m even running my own salon here in the moon mall! i’m going to give athena a moon makeover!

joey in a cactus?

now she’s a blue moon goon! man! i’m hungry! what’s to eat in this moon mall?

the volcano! no way!

the rock&roll

yeah! yeah! let’s party!

hey guys, check out thee cormans, playing at my bar!

Oyasuminasai!

check out this place! world war 3 sushi! far out!

thanks so much!

the bowie roll

now it’s time for record recommendations!

king tuff’s “screaming skull” 7” The newest jam from my favorite, King Tuff! Perfect bouncy rock’n’roll. “I don’t need no more self control, all I want is your screamin’ skull”.

BYE KIDS! SEE YOU NEXT TIME!

((RUMBLE RUMBLE))

Hey, speaking of King Tuff, Magic Jake and the Power Crystals is in Behavior Castle heavy rotation right now! “Lovin’ Knife” is a boot stomping swagger jam straight out of your dad’s garage!

WHAT’S WRONG?

THAT... BUTTHOLE ROLL... IS...

rachel sweet is Teenage power pop from Stiff Records, 1978! Filled with that kind of whiny country/soul power only 17 year old girls have, perfect for long nights at home sneaking schnapps and brushing your hair!

OH NOOOOOOO!!!!! GUAAAARGGHHH!!!

SKW

!!!

TCH

AR APL

Q. Whats a condom and a coffin got in common? A. They both hold stiffs but one is coming and one is going!

the disgusting world of

shawn pacheco

SEAN: How did you get into this Weirdo Art business? SHAWN: As far as putting my work out there, my first experience would be Wondercon, back when it was in Oakland. SEAN: This level of weirdness is frequently associated with substance abuse & mind expansion, do you have any words about this? SHAWN: LSD. As a younger lad I loved to experiment with LSD, while on it I was in cartoon land, sometimes that cartoon land was filled with demons. SEAN: Did you notice Weird & Gross things a lot as a child? SHAWN: Not really, I was into the usual shit like Star Wars and the Smurfs, but I did appreciate the detail in things. SEAN: You live in my homeland, Oakland, CA. Is there a Weirdo scene there just waiting to break out? SHAWN: If there is I don’t know about it, I do know Alex Pardee has a storefront down the street. I try to stay home as much as possible, I like being at home. SEAN: What kind of music do you listen to while doing your art? SHAWN: Soundtracks, I love soundtracks, one of my favorite composers is Angelo Badalamenti; he did the music for twin peaks. CHECK OUT MORE OF SHAWN PACHECO’S WORK AT SCUMO.COM

“People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy... and I keep it in a jar on my desk. -Stephen King

Stalking the Turkish Santa Claus with Professor Dan Shoup We drove out of the scrub-covered hills into a valley covered in greenhouses and dust. Everything was warped and bent in the July Mediterranean heat: the giant tan mountains to our left, the huge azure sea to our right, the palm trees and the battered red trucks and the squat concrete housing blocks. A week of 100 degrees and 90% humidity changes your brain chemistry, but not enough to explain what we saw next: a giant statue of Santa Claus in the middle of the roundabout. We were in Demre, a sprawling farm town on the Turkish coast, with houses sprinkled amid a forest of greenhouses filled with vegetables and fruit. Except for the pictures of Santa Claus hanging everywhere, the 3-story concrete apartment blocks and shabby storefronts with blingy neon signs could be anywhere in Anatolia. But this town is special: a long time ago, when the town was called Myra, a young man named Nicholas was was appointed bishop of its Christian congregation. As bishop, Nicholas was known for giving secret gifts, saving the town from famine, and even getting tax breaks from the Emperor. He died on December 6, around 350 AD – and the legend of Saint Nicholas was born. In Demre we parked and walked over to St. Nicholas’ church. It was ‘under restoration’ and covered in scaffolding. Built in the 9th century, it was part-ruined inside, with some nice Byzantine mosaics. For hundreds of years, the faithful came here to visit the Saint, whose bones oozed a magical healing liquid. Today Nicholas’ tomb is empty. It was smashed wide open in the year 1087, when passing Italian sailors took advantage of a recent Turkish invasion to break into the church, steal Nicholas’ skull and long bones, and bring them back to Bari, where he is now the patron saint. (Fortunately, the bones kept secreting the magical ‘manna’ in their new location. You can buy some today if you’re ever in Bari.) Batting cleanup, some Venetian sailors stopped by during one of the crusades a dozen years later and took the rest of the bones (mostly the small stuff) back to Venice.

“I’ll have what he’s having!”

The Grape Ape with Jake Rat People have always dined with the seasons just like any other critter, out of necessity, but also out of our frenetic ability to blend aesthetics to the moment.

We emerged from the coolness of the church into a stew of heat and humidity. Three Russian women were clustered around a statue of the saint, kissing its toes and muttering prayers while they nodded catatonically. In the square outside, the air of contemplation evaporated under an onslaught of souvenir shops covered in gaudy Cyrillic lettering: St. Nicholas is one of Russia’s most popular saints, Russian tourists have recently bought up big chunks of the Turkish coast, and so gift shop owners in Demre speak Russian now.

Yule season carries with it heirlooms of liquid invention which share common ancestry with way-gone creeps like Pirates and Druids, and even old goat-horned Krampus. Hot Toddies and Punches found their way to the American continent via the British Navy. The Toddy added rum to weak beer and the stinky water stores below deck. Sailors eventually figured out that their water would also smell better if they added some lime juice. At this point the sailors became Limeys and the new brew was called Grog. As the Dutch East India Trading Company returned with spices, lowering spice prices, Grog eventually also contained amounts of spices like Cinnamon or Nutmeg, some having mild preservative and mood-altering alkaloids contributing somewhat to its flavor, shelf-life and effects. The name Grog comes from the Admiral Edward Vernon.... who the sailors nicknamed Old Grog because he really liked to wear his “too-cool-for-school” Grogam overcoat. Old Grog’s Limeys drank their daily rations of the stuff and sailed all over the world kicking lots of bums, because they were now fully loaded with Vitamin C (from lime juice), and did not get scurvy or other diseases which were common to sailors of other Navies. Variations on Grog include the Traitor and Bumbo. The Traitor is heated to a low boil and includes orange juice, but it was Bumbo that was the true batch cocktail of Caribbean Pirates, many who were either discharged or AWOL from the Royal Navy. When these sailors hit the warmer seas and island cultures, their fruit and Vitamin C intake skyrocketed, and their Pirate Grog no longer required lemons and limes, so Bumbo was born: Rum, Water, Sugar, and Spice. A good way to replicate Grogs and Bumbos is with Pusser’s brand rum, which has been made in pot stills since 1655, a production style similar to a single malt scotch, which kept the Royal Navy as its most loyal customer until 1970. Now re-set the time machine to look even further back into the history of the Toddy-Punch family, before Britain had a Royal Navy, when it was a bunch of smaller Celtic nations of Picts, Welsh, Britons and even a look at Pre-Roman Scandinavia and their Yule drinks, the original ancestors of our toasty, spicy holiday punches. Even though a lot of today’s holiday drinks will fit the mulled-wine category, Yule drinks of 800 B.C. are better described as mulled barley-wines or possibly ciders. Pre-Roman Britain and Scandinavia weren’t grape-growing regions until the Romans brought viticulture to the areas. The Yule drinks would have been made from fermented grains, berries or tree fruit. In one historic Norse Saga (Heimskringla c.1230), Yule revelers are described as gathering together under one large roof, fanning the room and its occupants with sacrificial blood, and most notably, everyone was required to drink ale. Thats not so different from any KISS or Ozzy concert circa 1980, or GWAR in 1984. A mulled ale in ancient times would have contained a special ingredient called GRUIT, thats is, a mixture of herbs. They didn’t have much cinnamon in Northern Europe in ancient times, so the oldest gruits would have been composed of ingredients ranging from aromatic to mildly-intoxicating plants like sweet gale, mugwort and heather. They may also have contained more toxic things like henbane or deadly nightshade, or just plain funky things like seaweed or moss. Along with alcohol, essential oils from herbs like Sage and Rosemary would have helped preserve the ale.

Across from the gift shops, of course, was another statue: this time a 12-foot high bronze Santa Claus, in his full fur suit and surrounded by children. The weathered inscription on the base commemorates the “International Santa Claus Activities of 200X”, with participants from XXX countries. It hurt my brain a little bit, imagining a gaggle of Japanese, Kazakh, and Finnish children running around this dusty Turkish farm town doing ‘Santa Claus activities’. (What were they doing? Giving presents? Sliding down chimneys? Deciding who’s naughty or nice?) Demre’s mayor, Süleyman Topcu, got into Santa in a big way about 10 years ago. The nearby coastline is gorgeous everywhere except Demre, so the northern European tourist hordes drove right through without stopping to spend their euros and rubles. (Demre does have some cool ancient cliff tombs, but those were nerds-only back then.) Topcu hit on Santa Claus as his town’s meal ticket. I imagine his internal dialogue was something like: “these tourists love Santa, and we have Santa’s motherfucking home town RIGHT HERE!!!” A few years later, the jolly fat man in the red fur suit stares down at you from lampposts and storefronts throughout the fierce Mediterranean summer. Even the city logo wasn’t spared. Now keep in mind that Turks are Muslims (the drinking kind, but still), and have a pretty limited interest in Christian holidays. This wasn’t going to get in the way of Demre’s Santa boosters, however: the local Father Christmas foundation started a petition in 1997 to bring St. Nicholas’ bones back from Italy to their ‘rightful resting place.’ After all, Santa might have been from here, but having a (literal) piece of the guy would be much better marketing. The Turkish government did the locals one better in 2009. As part of its campaign to get some of Turkey’s more spectacular archaeological finds (like Priam’s treasure or the Pergamon Altar) back from the countries that looted them in the 19th century, the Minister of Culture demanded that Italy return the Saint’s bones to their original resting place. Archaeologist Professor Nevat Çevik said that everyone should respect St. Nick’s wishes: “he would have said ‘bury me in Bari’ if he wanted to… the remains should be back in his grave so that St. Nicholas can rest in peace.”

In some Nordic places, Yule celebrants would be huddled together, chugging their funky Gruit Ales and rallying for protection against a sky phenomenon they called the Wild Hunt, a procession of spirits and undead that was said to streak across the stars on Yule-Tide. Maybe they were just afraid of the Northern Lights, but in legend the Norse god Odin and his eight-legged horse were center-stage in the Wild Hunt, chasing a bounty’s worth of animal spirits across the longest night of the year, the Winter Solstice. Father Christmas with his eight reindeer and flying gift-mobile may have borrowed an idea or two from the Wild Hunt legends. Today there are a few ale producers who are recreating and reinventing the gruit brews, and I suggest these pairings: 1) Brasserie DuPont: Posca Rustica... good with Slade - Mama We’re All Crazy Now 2) Salt Spring: Spring Fever Ancient Ale... drink with Suzy Quatro - Wild One 3) William Brothers: Fraoch 22, with Jett Harris - The Man from Nowhere If you can get your hands on these gruit ales, enjoy the Donner and Blitzen (Thunder and Lightning), but if your local beer store doesn’t stock ‘em, try an online or mail-order beer club. You can also brew your own Gruit Ale with traditional sweet gale and heather, or go locavore with something not-too-toxic that grows nearby. For the near-gruit experience, bitter or resinous herbs work best in replacing hops.

Happy Wild Hunt, Jake Rat Sources: Heimskringla or the Lives of the Norse Kings, 1932 Cambridge edition by W. Heffer. Oxford English Dictionary, 2nd ed., “Bumbo” James Pack, Nelson’s Blood: The Story of Naval Rum Naval Institute Press, 1982

More wining at grapeapenyc.com

Of course, no law covers 900-year old cases of body snatching. The Turkish side also underestimates how crucial magical monastic mummies and saint skeleton secretions are to Italian Catholicism. There is, in fact, a complete lack of mummies or skeletons on display in your typical mosque. So the repatriation request was always doomed to fail. But Demre has succeeded in roping in tourism: over 400,000 people visited the ‘Father Christmas ruins’ last year, and an endless parade of Russian girls in bikinis and heels mince around the once nerds-only cliff tombs striking dramatic poses. Local gift shop owners have become experts on sourcing St. Nicholas icons from Chinese factories, and are happy. For our part, an hour in Demre was quite enough: we drove off into the heat haze, and quickly found some jungle ruins with a much better beach.

More ARCHAEOPOP at archaeopop.blogspot.com

What has been dug cannot be undug.

Von Dutch at Citybikes Co-op Reading about the amazing Von Dutch, the pinstriping genius, is great. There’s all these new photos of his innovative work coming to light. I mean, he was the best. Plus, he hated money, & only charged people to get them to stop bugging him. A master artist, in the true sense of the word. The only problem is, once you get into Von Dutch history, you find out he was a screaming Nazi. A flat out racist. The problem is, there’s no denying his innovative, awesome art. It’s a problem I seem to run into more and more - do I let someone’s personal beliefs influence my feelings towards them, or their work? I mean, if some dude’s a racist, I don’t support that. But if he’s a harmless racist, who just feels that way, but doesn’t take any action against anyone, & I’m just doing a business transaction with him, what’s the big deal? I mean, I know I’m supposed to speak with my business dollar & all that happy horseshit, but, take Citybikes for example. Theres a Nazi Holocaust denier who works there, & everybody knows it. His political views are ignorant, & if he got shot in the head I wouldn’t care. But they still have great bike parts. Cool stuff that’s affordable, that I really need. Can I really afford to care about this one dipshit’s warped view on one subject? Another example is Walmart. Yeah, I know it puts the little guy out of business, busts unions, hates women, is gross, etc. But, I also only have 20 dollars for sneakers. So what the fuck am I supposed to do? I need new shoes! Water’s coming in on my feet! It’s winter. I’m walking my broken bike past Walmart every day in my holey sneakers. Why should I suffer like some point-making middle class hippie? You talk to half, shit, three-quarters of the people in this world, you’re going to disagree with them over something. Those motherfuckers out there boycotting shit, I don’t see them wearing beat up shoes. For all I know, my favorite rock star hates abortion. Does that make his awesome tune instantly suck? I think I would prefer to laugh, tell them I disagree, & go on my merry way than try to convince someone who hates abortion that they’re a fucking moron, just because it’s true. This is a free country. I don’t have enough money to influence political thought with it, & your beliefs are yours to have,even if I think they’re stupid.

unbelievABLE!!! WEIRD NEWS OF THE WORLD witchcraft! hoaxes! cryptoids! ufos! ghosts! cults! conspiracy theories! scientific scares! the occult! & all manner of weirdness from the desk of the northwest’s premier dubiologist, j.j. mckay! follow unbelievable on tumblr! jjmckayunbelievable.tumblr.com August 27 CRYPTOIDs It took this long for something like this to happen!? A Montana man was killed (however, he was not shot…but ran over by a teen driver, twice) while attempting a Bigfoot hoax… wearing a military-style camouflage ‘Ghillie’ suit! Local police say he may have been intoxicated. September 22 WITCHCRAFT The High Court of Zambia has sentenced nine reputed ‘witch hunters’ for burning and killing seven local villagers suspected of being sorcerers and witches! September 24 WITCHCRAFT In Birmingham, England, after witnessing his pregnant wife attempting to strangle herself, a Muslim man and his family attempted to exorcise an evil ‘djinn’ (an evil spirit in Islamic culture) from her body. All of them failed and killed her! They’ve all been convicted of murder. September 27 GHOSTS Pop star Ke$ha explains her recent song “Supernatural” is about her frequent supernatural encounters, including the time she had sex with a ghost! HOT!! October 1 CONSPIRACY THEORIES After years of bickering back and forth between the two countries, British authorities will not extradite computer hacker Gary McKinnon to the United States for hacking into U.S. government files in an attempt to reveal that the U.S. government’s role in a major UFO cover-up! October 16 cults Elections in Papua, New Guinea delayed due to arrest and public horror of twenty-nine cannibal cult members arrested for eating the brains and genitals (in a soup) of suspected sorcerers! October 19 CULTS In an attempt for family members to get closure, Los Angeles police investigations into twelve unsolved crimes decades ago may in fact be linked to the Manson family! November 2 UFOs Massive UFO wave spotted and frightens hundreds throughout Asia, including the Indian Army and the Indo-Tibetan Border Police Force! November 13 SECRET SOCIETIES French ‘guru’ Thierry Tilly gets eight years in prison for swindling millions from an aristocratic family and convincing them to barricade themselves in their dynastic village because of a supposed Masonic plot against the family! November 14 CONSPIRACY THEORIES Georgia Republican state senator Chip Rogers warned his caucus in a closed door meeting that President Barack Obama was using a mind control program to take over the United States known as ‘Agenda 21’! November 16 PROPHECIES Because of ‘Mayan Doomsday’ claims that the French mountains of Pic de Bugarach are the world’s only ‘safe zone’, the French government plans to close mountain range to the public over December 21, 2012! November 28 SCIENTIFIC SCARES Parents and citizens outraged in San Antonio, Texas with high school students donning mandatory ID chips on them! The local ACLU calls it unconstitutional…local evangelical Christians call it ‘The Mark of the Beast’! November 29 CRYPTOIDS The Serbian village of Zorazje is terrified of the legendary vampire Sava Savanovic (and apparently a good tourist attraction for decades!), who apparently is homeless (his former dwelling is being occupied) and wandering the village streets! Local leader Miodrag Vujetic warns citizens to put crosses and garlic on their doors for protection! “Man has to postulate weirdness, before reaching the new science.” -Toba Beta

Fizzyo the Systo-mizzm Man, I woke up the other day at 2 AM, & figured I’d cruise my bike down to my girlfriend’s house to feed my cat. So I seen this cop, but I was in the right lane, so I figured no big shit, you know. Anyway, he lights me up, so I pull over. I don’t have any warrants out (in this state), so he checks out my shit, says something cop-like, like “Well, if you don’t want to get jammed up with your probation officer, you might not want to cruise around at 2:30 anymore,” & splits to go get a donut. I told my roommates about it, & they were all like “Yeah, the cops are pulling over everybody on Foster at that time of night - theres all these tweakers who sell drugs to the people getting out of the bars there.” So, it’s just a given that you better be prepared to get jacked by the fuzz, every time you go down Foster Blvd.? That’s some bullshit. First off, I saw like 3 tweakers after the cop split, so it’s not like he’s really doing anything anyway. And that’s my beef with the system in general - it doesn’t catch people that need to be caught. Like, if you’re a tourist criminal, who only does a crime when you’re drunk, once every couple of years, you’ll probably get caught & get the book thrown at you. But if you’re a serious criminal, who breaks into 10 cars a day, deals drugs, makes kiddie porn & beats his wife, they’ll probably never catch you, or, catch you once every couple of years. Pretty much the same ratio as the tourist criminal. But the real criminal will probably jump bail, avoid his sentencing, get released by mistake, or matrix, or whatever - while the law abiding citizen will probably sit in jail like an idiot. That’s some fucked up shit - like, basically, we can all just count on being busted every couple of years for something, whether we’re a serial killer or just a schmoe. Because every cop is some nosey motherfucker, you can’t even drink a beer in the park - you might as well do all kinds of crazy crime always, since then when you get busted, at least you’ll know you deserved it. Because that way, you’ll at least not mind serving jailtime for drinking a beer in the park, knowing that earlier you shot three people & shoplifted a box of condoms. The sad truth is, if you support the system & try to live your life accordingly, you get fucked by it, but if you flaunt the laws & live like a sociopathic asshole, you get rewarded. White History Month There’s a lot of reasons WWII started. Sure, you could just blame Germany, but there were several factors that led the planet into total war. Germany was emboldened by easy victories in many arenas. For instance, the ocean, which was akin to outer space at the time (unexplored, unclaimed territory), was being dominated by German U-boats, in a mad power play that laid the groundwork for their manifest destiny. Unencumbered, Germany’s navy shot the shit out of the French ships, while the U.S. & Britain hedged their bets. While treatment of Jews escalated into humiliation & violence, the major power players previously mentioned did little more than issue the usual toothless condemnations & sanctions. It’s no wonder Hitler felt emboldened enough to invade Poland, a country with an unfortunate location - in between Russia & Germany. Domestically, the Nazi Regime was crushing political dissent using street violence & clandestine social & media manipulation. Internationally, the Germans were portraying the Poles as psycho dipshits, ready to overrun civilization. After framing & exploiting excuses to defend Germany against them, the first Blitzkrieg was unleashed on the poor bastards. A handful of troops opposing Germany & willing to do something about it mustered up their courage & charged the oncoming army - on horseback, nonetheless getting blasted to smithereens by Panzer tanks & German bombers. The ragtag Polish forces, while high on courage, were hopelessly destroyed. Probably assuming this would set the tone for the rest of the war, this proverbial good running out the gate, it’s no wonder the Nazis assumed that within months the world would be theirs. A pact was in place at this point between Germany & Russia, so there was definitely a lot of confidence as the corner was turned, & the Reich had made its first move toward enslaving the perceived subhumans. Add to this several successful battles for the Japanese, & you definitely have a recipe for destruction. During this period, it could be said that, in hindsight, it was probably NOT a good time for America to sit there collectively going, “hmmmm, wonder what we should do?” But, eventually, we went to town & fucked shit up. This is the story of what shaped the world’s political landscape today.

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the SLOW POISONER

By the time you read this, the world as we knew it will have ended. We stand now on the crumbling ruins of our civilization, surrounded by GIANT MECHANICAL INSECTS & huge, grasping TENTACLES that dangle down from the blazing red sky above. As a result, it’s no surprise that my mailbag is full of TROUBLE. Our first question today comes from The City by the Bay… Dear Slow Poisoner, I live in a 4 unit flat dwelling in San Francisco. Recently, a group of hipsters moved into the last flat and have taken to gathering on the back stairwell & firing up cigarettes galore, smoking to their hearts’ delight & depositing the spent stogies into a used coke bottle filled with a disgusting brown liquid that once was water. Up to this point our building has been smoke free ~ which we all enjoyed. My question is this... How can I get rid of the revolting stench of the neighbors’ cigarette smoke that has now become an unwelcome & uninvited guest in my humble sanctuary? - Yer pal, dX / Living On Second Hand Smoke, San Francisco, CA

I propose a two-fold solution. First, attack the root problem, which is your neighbors’ addiction to tobacco. It will be necessary to engage in some basic carpentry towards this end; the most effective remedy for addiction to any substance is to apply PYRAMID POWER. The power of the pyramid has long been known to be effective in breaking unhealthy addictions! if you erect a TRIANGULAR ceiling over the portion of the stairwell where your neighbors congregate, they will suddenly find their Lucky Strikes and Chesterfields far less appealing. As for dealing with the current stench, I recommend masking it with a stronger and more pleasant smell, such as the sweet scent of AMBERGRIS, which can be found IN THE INTESTINES OF ANY SPERM WHALE. Dear Slow Poisoner, Are these Chiclets? -Susie K., Tunnel Hill, TN

Chiclets, the BRIGHTLY COLORED CANDY-COATED CHEWING GUM, were first manufactured in 1906 by manufacturer Frank H. Fleer. The name Chiclets was inspired by the natural resin called chicle, though curiously, the candy itself uses a different form of gum base. Originally only available in a peppermint flavor, they became a popular vending machine item during the middle of the twentieth century due in part to their EXTENDED SHELF LIFE. What you have, though, is most definitely not Chiclets. Dear Slow Poisoner, How can we encourage the viral spread of small bookstores? - V. Vale, San Francisco, CA

Like any business establishment, bookstores will increase in number as soon as they prove to be wildly popular. Luckily, this is easy to ensure. If bookstore owners follow my THREE PROVEN LUCKY MAGIC SALES TIPS, they will soon have more customers than they can shake a Stephen King novel at. Firstly, each morning make sure to apply MONEY DRAW FLOOR WASH before business hours begin. Pour boiling water over Irish moss & cat bones & add three drops of lemongrass. Dip in a mop & wipe the floors from the back of the building to the front (you may want to add a sprinkle of cinnamon to keep away beggars). Secondly, erect a statue of SAINT EXPEDITUS, the patron saint of financial matters, in the stock room. Thirdly, when operating as a peddler of the written world, give the people what they want: TRUE CRIME NOVELS, LURID HORROR COMICS, CONCEPTUAL SKIN MAGS, OCCULT TOMES, ROCTOBER & PORK! Dear Slow Poisoner, why is my landlord always asking me for money? - Tamara N., Chandler, AZ

Your situation is among many bad ideas (such as TAPEWORM DIETS & DEATH SPORTS) developed by the Roman Empire. Those toga-wearing chariot-riders instituted a society based on MANORALISM, which meant that one fat cat got to be LORD & the average Joe was just his SERF. The Lord of the Manor owned all the land & the hapless serfs were permitted to live on it as long as they paid tribute with labor or coin. That things have changed little in three thousand years is a SAD TESTAMENT TO MAN’S FUTILITY. My suggestion to you is that when the Master is out lounging in the bathhouse or is away at the Crusades, drop sprigs of hemlock into his casks of wine. Upon his expiration, you can assume his position. Watch yer back! (Serfs up!) ASTROLOGICAL NOTES FOR THE QUARTER: Like children, some planets are evil. Such is the case with Saturn; A BLOATED, GASSY GIANT with a ring of dirt around its collar, it was named for the Roman god Saturnus, which was a derivation of the Greek god Cronus. Cronus wielded a sickle (still used as the planetary symbol for Saturn) with which he CASTRATED HIS FATHER & neutered his mother, before DEVOURING HIS OWN CHILDREN. In early 2013 Saturn will transit through Libra, meaning that the scales of balance & reason will be tipped in the favor of chaos, disappointments, SYPHILITIC AILMENTS, psychological detachment, flatulence,& a general rubbery feeling. CONFIDENTIAL to Anita G. in Fort Bend: Return the hens, but demand a refund.

WONDER NO MORE! ALL THE ANSWERS ARE AT YOUR FINGERTIPS.

Send your questions to: ask@theslowpoisoner.com or via the social network at facebook.com/TheSlowPoisoner

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Q. What is hard & pink when it goes in & soft & wet when it comes out? A. Bubblegum!

Kaz makes comics that reflect just about everything that PORK is about. A world of screwy cartoon arche- & stereo-types living rough & cheap on the mean streets & hidden hillbilly swamps of some Ur-America. The landscape is littered with junkies, dog shit, broken bottles, deformed monstrosities, clouds of pollution, old tires, rusty nails, feral cats, wild dogs, used bandaids, unidentifiable pools of slime, ne’er do well scavenger birds, candy wrappers, pan-handlers & abandoned cars, not unlike every neighborhood I’ve lived in for the last twenty years. I love it, I love the ghetto & I love the swamps & I love the weird things people get into, the random violence & how I can set off fireworks whenever I want to, do graffiti & make lots of noise without having the cops called.

SEAN: Your folks are from Lithuania, which is where Al Jaffee’s folks are from as well. Both of your comics contain a lot of dog shit & street clutter. I sensed a connection immediately.

KAZ: I grew up in Hoboken, New Jersey. As a little kid running around the streets of an old East Coast city, dogshits were always minefields that one had to constantly avoid (mostly unsuccessfully). I live in the city of Hollywood now and my neighbors all have dogs and the situation hasn’t changed much except my legs are longer. I love Al Jaffee’s work. Mad Magazine was a life raft of sanity to me. SEAN: I don’t clean up my dog’s shit when we take her for walks just to continue this artistic influence. Her name is Dee Dee. MAD magazine is a key influence in pretty much everyone we feature in PORK, I feel like there isn’t anything like MAD around for kids anymore, you know? KAZ: South Park? Adult Swim? Basically there’s the Internet, I guess. SEAN: You grew up in Hoboken, New Jersey, do you know of the Punk Rock&Roll band “Personal & the Pizzas”? KAZ: I was out of Hoboken by the time they were playing. They’re like New Jersey’s answer to the Ramones with pizza. I was living in Hoboken in the 80’s when a music scene around Maxwell’s was forming. I saw some blistering shows from Husker Du, Sonic Youth, Butthole Surfers, Ween, and many more. SEAN: You’ve gone from underground comix to poisoning the minds of millions of American children with SpongeBob SquarePants. My sons who are 2, 4 & 6 LOVE Underworld but don’t like SpongeBob. KAZ: Ha ha ha. That’s really funny. Well, they have good taste. Though I can’t imagine a 2-year-old getting any Underworld jokes. SpongeBob has been around for over ten years now and I only worked on it for one year (Season Three). I loved my time on SpongeBob as it introduced me to a new life working in television animation. Of course we’re not allowed to do Underworld-style ideas for children’s television (we’d soon be out of business). SEAN: So what show(s) are you working on now? I heard you’re doing an Underworld online cartoon or something along those lines? KAZ: My partner, Matt Campbell, is producing a series of short (30 second) Underworld gag cartoons. They can be found at www. mylittlefunny.com Right now I’m developing a kids cartoon show with Marathon Media of France and my partner, Antoine Guilbaud. If all goes well it will premiere in early 2014. I can’t really say more. The next thing I’d like to do would be an adult cartoon. Everybody keeps asking if I will be doing an Underworld animated cartoon show. Anything is possible. SEAN: How has Punk Rock&Roll influenced your work? KAZ: In the same way that Mad Magazine, John Waters, and Loony Tunes did. The Punk that I was initially exposed to at 16 or 17 years old was very cartoony. The Ramones, Dead Boys, Richard Hell, The Dictators, and Blondie were funny, catchy, and exaggerated. It was a raw version of the kind of rock music I liked: Alice Cooper, Iggy Pop, and Lou Reed. It was also angry and aggressive in the same way I was feeling at that age. So, my comics became more aggressively dark and ironic. I didn’t care if my drawings looked good or pretty -- what mattered was the feeling. This is why I also gravitated towards German Expressionism and The Brucke school of painting that was formed in 1905 in Dresden. SEAN: Looking at 70s Punk & German Expressionism, there is a distorted Cartoony Crisis presented, the collision of worlds & the ends & beginnings of things. I feel like we’re at a very similar point right now but it’s not being conveyed in the popular culture. Have you felt this crisis & has it influenced your current work? KAZ: I would disagree. Young adult novels are full of dystopias, zombies are hits on TV, every science-fiction movie is about some future horror, and Goth is now a permanent subculture. As far as my work, I feel it’s been in a constant crisis. My sense of anxiety seems to grow as I age. My strongest work is when I sit down at the drawing table and ask myself “How am I feeling now?” SEAN: Were you into Ed Roth & Weirdo Art when you were a kid? How did you transition from your early cartooning/art period into the style we know you for? KAZ: Yes, In Junior High school I collected the Weirdo and Ed Roth stickers. I would copy them in my school notebooks and create my own versions. I loved so many different styles of cartooning that it left me confused. When I was 9 years old I wanted to draw for Mad. Then in my early teens I loved Spider-Man comics and wanted to draw troubled superhero comics. After that I got heavy into Dick Tracy and I wanted to draw dark detective comics. But mostly I was stuck with how I was able to actually draw. I was untrained and bad at rendering or copying other styles. My drawings felt like outsider art until I discovered Underground comics (which was the outsider art of its day). I saw cartoonists relying on a more homegrown style of drawing that also looked back to the origin of comics. So I began to look at work from the time when comics were first being created (Krazy Kat, Popeye, Happy Holligan, Barney Google) and deeply connected with that struggle and inspiration. SEAN: When I first read Underworld in the Seattle Stranger I was really struck by how much you were using this Barney Google/Snuffy Smith, Nancy, Popeye vehicle for these fucked up jokes & 70s NYC world. It jostled me out of a lot of assumptions I was making about the world & the 90s Alternative world in particular. As far as I’m concerned, Underworld is the honest, real America & everything else is people trying to hide millions of skeletons in the closet. KAZ: When I was asked to create a weekly alternative comic strip for The New York Press at the beginning of the 1990s I had some difficulty conceptualizing what I’d do until I thought I’d create a parody of a daily comic strip. That’s why the look of Underworld was parts of other comics strips stitched together Frankenstein style. A little Mickey Mouse, a little Popeye. It looked instantly funny to me. I wanted it to be balls out funny because the current alternative strips were all about dark sadness and irony. And funny to me is the same as horror. I was being honest about what I found funny and horrible about the world around me. At the time I was poor and living in Manhattan surrounded by the homeless and super rich. SEAN: You did work for Pee-wee’s Playhouse with Gary Panter as art director. What stuff did you do? KAZ: Just a few things. Topp’s Chewing Gum Fun-Paks, a bit of my drawings are on the Colorforms toy, and I did all the drawing for the Pee-wee bed sheets. SEAN: Cool, I’ve been talking with Gary Panter about the circle of Consumer Products, Pop Art & Modern Art & about closing that circle to create a united culture without such distinct tiers. You’ve been involved on all of these levels, I’d like to live in a place where Underworld & Dal Tokyo were in the daily paper or whatevernews.com & everyone read them. Or there was Underworld Cereal in the grocery store. A big part of what we’re doing here at PORK/GOBLINKO is pushing for that as hard as possible. I think it ends being revolutionary, even if the revolution is about syringes in comics & dog shit. What do you think? KAZ: If you’re talking about mass culture then I’d need a champion with a lot of money and pow-

“Listen, punk. To me you’re nothin’ but dogshit, you understand? And a lot of things can happen to dogshit. It can be scraped up with a shovel off the ground. It can dry up and blow away in the wind. Or it can be stepped on and squashed. So take my advice and be careful where the dog shits ya!” -Clint Eastwood

er behind them in order to distribute my work on as big a scale as say SpongeBob SquarePants. Underworld is intentionally dark so Creep Rat Cereal may be a hard swallow for most people. Peanuts was in thousands of newspapers before Snoopy sold any life insurance. I will buy an artist’s product if that artist’s work has meaning to me. I have a Gary Panter coffee mug, a Magritte umbrella, original artwork by Rick Prol and Ernie Bushmiller, countless art books, a Cramps baseball cap, and Bosch figurines. Living in Los Angeles, I’m always delighted with the street art: amazing graphics promoting nothing but the art itself. It’s all hard work and only has meaning to those who appreciate it but I’d rather people spend their time wrapping an abandoned house with art and graphics than hurting other people. SEAN: I read that Krazy Kat was a big influence on you, I can see that with the space Herriman uses in the comic & the Jazzy feeling. Underworld has a similar space (although more cluttered) & definitely the NYC street character which is part of Jazz. KAZ: Still to this day one steps into a Krazy Kat comic and has to contend with George Herriman’s rules. It’s a beautiful, mysterious, Vaudeville routine. Besides the beautiful pen work, Herriman designed his Sunday pages like a modern artist. It was so inspiring. SEAN: You were in Art Spiegelman’s class at the School of Visual Arts which I think John Holmstrom & a bunch of other great cartoonists were in also. I always wonder how much art school plays a part in people’s careers, any insights? KAZ: John Holmstrom studied with Harvey Kurtzman. When I met John Holmstrom he knew I studied with Spiegelman and was published in Raw Magazine and he expressed to me in no uncertain terms how much he despised Spiegelman and Raw Magazine. Holmstrom positioned himself as comics’ no-nonsense common man. To him, comics were disposable fun garbage. So a loftier, more arty approach to comics, as was expressed in the pages of Raw Magazine, went against everything he believed in. He started Punk Magazine and saw himself as a rebel. But comics, up to that point, were already considered disposable garbage so it was actually Art Spiegelman who was the rebel. I actually loved art school. Art class was my favorite class in school and here was a whole school devoted to art. I came from a poor family where no one had an education higher than high school and all of a sudden I’m among many different types of young people from all different economic classes all dedicated to some form of visual expression. It opened my mind. I grew. I expanded my concept of art. Many of my colleagues have cynical memories of art school. And from an outsider’s view, art school can look silly and impractical. But I had no head for law, math, or business -- so for me it was perfect. One idea that is perpetrated is that art schools don’t teach students how to draw and paint in the traditional academic sense. But The School of Visual Arts offered classes in traditional rendering and painting. It’s was just that not many students took those classes because they were too hard. As far as

art school and careers, Art Spiegelman was one of my teachers and he published me in his Raw Magazine. That’s a direct connection. Spiegelman often told his students about opportunities to be published in magazines that were looking for comics and I wound up getting published in those magazines. Another direct connection. When I needed to supplement my income by doing illustration work, the fact that I went to The School of Visual Arts in the 1980’s made me more desirable to art directors (because Keith Herring, Kenny Sharf, and Basquiat were associated with the school). That’s sort of a connection. Otherwise, going to an art school in the middle of Manhattan just made me want to hustle my work more. SEAN: Yeah, Art Spiegelman seems like a really great dude. He’s also a great example of someone embodying the Consumer Product, Modern Art & Pop Art circle. As a kid I was very attracted to the things he was pitching for Topps like Garbage Can-DY & Garbage Pail Kids & I really liked how RAW blew the door off of comics & allowed for them to express ANYTHING. If you can see disposable trash products like the old world of comics or novelty candy or bubblegum cards as art, or don’t acknowledge the divisions between these things, it’s all there & the only real qualifiers are if something speaks to you. For instance, PUNK magazine is obviously a very Pop Art creation, regardless of Holmstrom’s intentions or attitude, it’s such an unconventional approach to a magazine & an intense package. Also, you’ve done nothing to dispel the notion I had of The School of Visual Arts being a mystical, magical place! I guess I was right. When I get my school going I’ll give you a ring. KAZ: I’ll wait for the phone call. I loved Punk Magazine. I loved Comical Funnies and Stop Magazine also. I didn’t feel like I needed to take sides in the art/comics debate. I could have fun writing and drawing in both worlds. I guess maybe that’s what I’ve been doing all along. One foot in the underground and one foot in the mainstream.

let’s collecting kaz!!! THERE ARE MANY RADICAL COLLECTIONS OF KAZ’S AMAZING COMICS TO COLLECT!!! SEEMINGLY ENDLESS JOKES, GAGS & AND AN EXHAUSTIVE, MINDBLOWING ENCYCLOPEDIA OF CARTOON CHARACTERS, SITUATIONS & GHETTO LIFE ARE PRESENTED IN PART AVANT-GARDE ART PRETENSE & HALF DIM-WITTED KOMICAL KRAZINESS! MOSTLY PUBLISHED BY OUR FRIENDS AT FANTAGRAPHICS!!! You’re so poor you go to KFC to lick other people’s fingers.

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“All child drug addicts were inveterate comic-book readers.” -Fredric Wertham

Q. What do you call a Blind German? A. A Not see.

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AMERICA, LIKE THE HOT DOG, is A WAY OF BEING, NOT a PHYSICAL, ACTUAL THING. WHEN PEOPLE SAY THEY HATE HOT DOGS OR AMERICA, THEY’RE SAYING THEY HATE FREEDOM, FUN, EUROFUNK, STREET CULTURE & PENISES.

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“Being good in business is the most fascinating kind of art. Making money is art and working is art and good business is the best art.” -Andy Warhol

TMNT, Bill and Ted, Jager bombs and tubing. It’s Good Rock&Roll and if you don’t stop partying you won’t have a hangover. The Jeans are the ultimate good times power riff party band for right now. What else can I say? I wanted my article for this issue to be a band and who better that Portland’s own Mean Jeans! So grab a Sparks, light a smoke, take a shot and like “Mean Gene” Okerlund said “Let’s get ready to rumble!” -Dirty Donny More Mean Jeans at meanjeans.bandcamp.com & whatdufukkizup.com

Youthbitch speak directly to something which will be in me forever, which was what I wanted out of my first band, but was not experienced or patient enough to pull off. They are cartoons & are represented by cartoons. They are wild Punk Rock&Roll harkening back to Louie Louie but they are their own deal. They have an album out on Jonny Cat records & they got a new 7” coming out pretty dang soon. Let’s Rock&Fuckin’Roll with Youtbitch!!!

BJ: Billy Jeans JW: Jeans Wilder JJ: Junior Jeans

SEAN: Your new record is called “Don’t Fuck This Up!” featuring a dude losing his mind, which a song says “you don’t mind”. What’s it all about man?

DIRTY DONNY: Are you guys really brothers? Do you all live in the same house? BJ: You’re God damn right. Freakin’ triplets. Junior & Wilder’s buttholes were connected for the first few years of our lives. But the best part is that we all have the same birthday. So we get triple wasted. JW: That birthday being 6/9/69. BJ: We’re getting old. JJ: Billy and Wilder obviously have the same hair. DONNY: I know some times you guys think outside the bun as far as playing shows, like Burger joints and Bowling Alleys, Bar Mitzvahs, yachts and the Playboy mansion. What’s the craziest show you have ever played? JW: Well we opened up for Yanni at his famous “Live at the Acropolis” concert. Little known fact. For some reason we were omitted from the VHS/Lazerdix/DVD editions of the concert... Might be because of our botched cover of “I’ve Been Thinking About You” by the London Beat. Billy Jeans did the synthesizer dance at the wrong part. BJ: My bad dudes. Never gonna live that one down. JJ: Lots of flies at the Acropolis that night, getting under my strings and fuckin me up. DONNY: You guys have shot a series of videos, the most recent being “Possessed to Party”. Can you tell us about filming? Looks like you had a good time. BJ: Making videos that don’t look like dog shit is hard work. I think from here on out anything we make will look like dog shit. Work stinks. DONNY: When ever you guys come to my house the first thing you do is dig through my record movies. BJ: Record movies? Are you talking about laser discs? JW: Laser discs are great because you have to flip them over halfway through, so it keeps you on your toes during the whole cinematic experience. Plus I can’t even count the number of times I’ve come home drunk and tried to listen to my Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey laserdisc thinking it was a record. DONNY: Bill and Ted VS. Beavis and Butthead, The River’s Edge VS. Point Break. Your thoughts? BJ: Great question. Are we talking about a fight? I’d say let’s rearrange the teams to even the playing field a bit. The 1st team’s gotta be all Keanu’s. Ted Theodore Logan, Johnny Utah, and whatever his name is in River’s Edge. Food eater! Then Crispin Glover, Butthead and Anthony Kiedis in Point Break would team up, no question. Kiedis is prolly in full braids, with nothing but a loin cloth and some big white Reeboks. Wilder, I’ll let you take it from here... JW: You know I love Keanu Reeves, but I’d have to put my money down on Kiedmeister, considering the Chi Peps are what got me into “punk music” in the first place. The first time I heard “Californication” I was hooked and I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life... NOTHING. Yeah I just saw the Peps at the Rose Garden Coliseum the other day here in Portland. I waited around backstage to say whaddup to Tony Kiedis but he never showed up. But I did strike up a nice conversation with a kindred Peppers fan named Alan from Vancouver, WA. He was so dope. DONNY: I was first introduced to you guys through my friends the White Wires. We partied all night on some dude’s roof in LA. We got to talking about our favorite bands. The Ramones and Riverdales came up. What are some of your other favorite bands? BJ: Today I’ve been jamming Del Shannon, Thin Lizzy, and Jonathan Richman. Saw him play 2 nights ago, he really ripped it up. JW: I listen to a lot of Weird Al, Michael Jackson, and Fleetwood Mac. And the Cranberries. Enya and Yanni when I am feeling “introspective”. JJ: I exclusively listen to the Hound Of Love. The deep cuts and some unreleased material I’ve been able to pirate off the net hit me hard. So hard that I usually have to be alone in the dark when I jam it. DONNY: The new record came out in the spring on Dirtnap. The kids need to know what is next on the list. Touring, recording, making weird merch? BJ: We have split seven inches with Big Eyes and Underground Railroad To Candyland coming out over the next couple months. Then the next project, which is top secret for now, is gonna really burn your butthole! I’m thinking of including a wet wipe in the packaging. (For your burned butthole). JW: We are going to work on some shit with YOU dude. JJ: Why Me? records,,,,duh. DONNY: Of course! And that, my friends, IS going to be the best 45/7” ever created! DONNY: I don’t know if people know this but Billy Jeans, you do most of the art for the band: record covers and t-shirts. Who else have you done art for? BJ: Right now I’m doing an album cover for Oakland retardos The Primitive Hearts. The album is really rockin, and the cover’s freaky, so lookout! DONNY: The PORK ARMY also needs to know your favorite party drink. BJ: Marley Bombs. It’s like a Jager bomb but with Bob Marley’s Mellow Mood. It hypes you, but it chills you. JW: Yeah and when we want to flip the script and get just AMPED we do some Dew Drops, which is Jagermeister shots dropped in Mountain Dew. Personally I like to do these right before hittin’ the slopes with my trusty Airwalk custom snowboard with The Offspring’s “Smash” cued up on my 40 second ESP see-thru Discman. I got a bad habit. JJ: Year of the Twiskies! DONNY: We were supposed to go tubing together this summer but I missed it. I was up all night drinking with Personal and the Pizzas on your front porch. JJ also missed it cause he was with me. He almost fell off your porch! Apparently it’s the best. Can you tell us about it? BJ: Yer an idiot. If you don’t go toobin by now, you will never ever go toobin. But you can play the video game. In fact, you should buy the arcade game and a buncha whip-its and invite us over. JW: My friend owns it, maybe we can reprogram it.

Nico: Saying “don’t fuck this up” to each other before shows became a sort of inside joke in the band for a while, so the title partly comes from that, but it’s also our first real record so we actually were anxious to not fuck it up. I think anxiety is a pretty big theme on the album, since pretty much all the songs are about not wanting to deal with the world or not being able to deal with it. It’s not all doom and gloom though. We are not a band that takes itself very seriously. We have songs about puking and wanting to die on the toilet for fuck’s sake. Stevie: Most of us have hilariously serious mental health problems and I like writing songs about that. SEAN: Portland is now world famous as a city of uptight, natural-foods complaining, free-range wool sweater, bicycle Nazis, but you guys obviously don’t come from THAT Portland. What is the Portland you guys come from? Rob: Most of my life is wrapped up in the band. There’s a lot of Portland I don’t think I’m a part of outside of that. Nico: I don’t even know how to ride a bike. Seriously. But no, anyone who really thinks Portland is all like that has their head up their ass. It exists but this place has been a great place for great bands since forever. I pretty much moved here because of The Exploding Hearts. Stevie: We’re actually from the Midwest. Except Rob is from Idaho. Most people don’t realize this, but beneath the veneer of pretentiousness there’s been a vibrant underground tantric masturbation scene here for decades, dating back to the Wipers in the 70’s. We’re proud to carry on that tradition. Joe: I go to work here, I play in bands here, I do what I want to do here. That’s my Portland, I suppose.. I’m not too caught up in whatever is supposed to be going on “culturally” around this place to be honest. SEAN: Nico, you do all the band’s great art & just did a radical 7” cover for Midnite Snaxxxx, what else have you done? What do you wanna do? Now you wanna? Nico: ...be a good boy. I also did the cover art for the new LP by the Chemicals, who are a good band, and the “Portland Mutant Party Vol II” 7” featuring us, Red Dons, Guantanamo Baywatch, Welcome Home Walker, and Defect Defect. I did a design for the Flip Tops record that came out a little while ago but that ended up being rejected in favor of a far superior Ben Lyon design. Right now I’m working on some sleeve art for a couple local bands, Piss Test and maybe Boom! if they still want me to come up with something, but I know they have another one they’re thinking of using. In dream land I’d love to do a comic or an illustration that ended up in Razorcake or something. SEAN: Is there a glue sniffing scene in Portland yet? Stevie: I think so. More into doing duster. Alone. Rob: There’s an organic glue cart on Alberta but it’s just a new take on the same old thing. Stevie: It’s not even vegan. Nico: There is a lot of sniffing that goes on in Portland. Joe: Sniffin’ all up on my butt. SEAN: Punk Rock&Roll runs between being cool & not being self-conscious, so like sometimes talking & explaining things is a drag, or a perceived drag. Nico: We are neither cool nor un-self-conscious. Rob: Except me. SEAN: What is a Youthbitch anyway? Stevie: We got it from the lyrics the FBI thought were in Louie Louie. “Hey Youthbitch, hey lovemaker, now hold my bone.” Nico: Apparently, it’s also a dog show category. “Finest Youthbitch”. Stevie: That’s why people read our flyers and think “Lesbian punk band.” Rob: You can use it for Christmas. SEAN: So I was listening to your new record & after feeling this new Televisiony thing with Stevie’s vocals, I was trying to get what the new record sounds like & weirdly enough, it sounds A LOT like the Clash to me. Talk to me about Television & the Clash. Stevie: I started saying my Rs and singing all trebly so people could hear the lyrics and get the humor. It’s pretty similar to the Tom Verlaine goat bleat but I borrowed lots of it from Robin Zander from Cheap Trick. That dude can say some Rs. He can actually sing though. We do lots of double guitar stuff like Television does. For some songs like “Bad Mood Tonight” I play a riff and Rob weaves in and out of it. It makes it sound like 3 guitars and a piano with all the harmonics. The Stones do that a lot too. Nico: The Clash were super important in the initial development of our band. Stevie and I have been playing music together since the dawn of time and there was a period where pretty much all we did was try to figure out how to write songs the way The Clash did and they really influenced the way we approach the whole dual vocalist thing so I think that will always be an underlying element in the music, but, though it sounds corny to say, we are always developing and changing as a band. We’re into all kinds of shit and I really don’t think we’re a Clash-emulation band or anything like that. I love The Clash though and if people think we sound like something as good as them then that’s cool with me. Rob: The Clash doesn’t have much to do with anything I do. Except for my Che Guevara t-shirt and the beret I wear on weekends. Joe: Yeah, while I read my copy of the Communist Manifesto and deal High-Fives (weekends only). Stevie: I haven’t listened to the Clash in a while, but I am a Commie and all you fuckers are going to die on the wall. SEAN: We have a Chairman Mao alarm clock. Time’s up! Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.

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PORK #9