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PORK ROCK&ROLL+WEIRDO ART+BAD IDEAS

FREE! FALL 2012

#8

beer drinkin’ & hell raisin’!

Thee Cormans-Slutever-White Mystery Skinner-Jeff Lamm-Fukitor

NOT SUITABLE FOR SQUARES

PORK T-SHIRTS!!!

PHOTOS BY KATIE ÄABERG

available in the pork shop!!!

PORK

wanted! more readers like:

ROCK&ROLL, WEIRDO ART, BAD IDEAS!!!

FALL 2012 issue 8 IT’S YOUR CHOICE

WE ARE PRESENTED WITH A LOT OF BULLSHIT CHOICES IN THIS SOCIETY. RIGHT NOW WE’RE BEING ASKED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN. LEFTISH OR RIGHTISH. LIBERAL OR CONSERVATIVE. NO THANKS. FOR MOST PEOPLE IT’S NOT EVEN A CHOICE, THEY VOTE FOR WHOEVER FITS INTO THEIR FAMILIAL POLITICS. AS USUAL, I DON’T HAVE A HORSE IN THIS RACE. PORK IS SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE. WE BELIEVE IN FREEDOM & WE BELIEVE IN ORGANIZATION & A STRONG SOCIAL SAFETY NET. RIGHT NOW, OUR COUNTRY IS RUN BY INTERNATIONAL BANKS, NOT EVEN BY CORPORATIONS ANY MORE. AT LEAST THE CORPORATIONS DEALT WITH REAL WORLD THINGS; THE BANKS HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO THROW VIRTUAL NOOSES AROUND ALL OF OUR NECKS. THIS HAS BEEN A LONG, SLOW PROCESS, IT HAS TAKEN DECADES, BUT HERE WE ARE. THIS IS THE PROBLEM OF REDUCING EVERYTHING TO MONEY. I’M NOT AGAINST MONEY, IT’S AN INEVITABLE, USEUFL TOOL, BUT IT’S ALSO NOT THE BE-ALL & END-ALL. I’M MORE INTERESTED IN FAMILY, FRIENDSHIP, CULTURE & EXPERIENCE. SURE, WE NEED A CONSTANT MONEY FLOW TO KEEP THIS THING GOING, BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT IT’S ABOUT. THIS IS WHY PORK IS FREE. WE BELIEVE IN AMERICA, WE BELIEVE IN HUMANITY, WE BELIEVE IN ROCK&ROLL, WE BELIEVE IN GETTING DOWN & DIRTY, TAKING IT TO THE STREETS, TAKING IT TO OUTER SPACE, GOING WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE, GETTING FAR-OUT, LIGHTING UP, PEDAL TO THE METAL, LOCK & LOAD, FREAK OUT, TODAY YOUR LOVE, TOMORROW THE WORLD. WE BELIEVE IN YOU. ROCK&RULE. -SEAN

MEXICO PORK GANG

DAVE KING

NESTOR DIAZ SANCHEZ

contact pork

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SEAN ÄABERG: BIG DADDY PORK, HNIC KATIE ÄABERG: BIG MAMA PORK, PHOTOGRAPHY CONTRIBUTORS: DIRTY DONNY GILLIES, ANDREW GOLDFARB, AMELIA HART, BEN LYON, BOBBY MADNESS, JASON McKAY, JAKE RAT, DANIEL SHOUP, AVI SPIVAK, THE ILLAGE VIDIOT, nate ward. MODELS: THE ÄABERG BROTHERS, SAMUEL CLATTERBUCK, OMAR HERNANDEZ, LEFTY KELLEHER, Gabriela Ladrón De Guevara, ALLISON DITSON, AMELIA HART, MIRANDA JENEE, RUXTON SCHUH, nick soracco. HAIR & MAKEUP: AMELIA HART (541) 870-0345 COSTUMERY: ALLIHALLA (ALLIHALLA.COM) PORK is published quarterly by GOBLINKO. SIX ISSUE SUBSCRIPTIONS ARE AVAILABLE FOR $20 (USA. MORE FOR FOREIGNERS.) sPECIAL THANKS: THE EVER-LOVIN’ PORK ARMY, Nick Krause, Otto, Henry & Jimmy for being so good. our advertisers! KING KHAN! APACHE! GUANTANAMO BAYWATCH! THE NO TOMORROW BOYS! THE PORTLAND GREASE BALL BOYS! burger city! burger records! mexico city pork army! WANNA ADVERTISE? CONTACT KATIE@INTERNETPORK.COM or CALL 541*556*5778 FOR PORK’S REASONABLE RATES! PORK/GOBLINKO is available as a full-service ad agency & Fink Tank. From video games to TV spots to political strategies. STAND OUT FROM THE CROWD WITH GOBLINKO! PORK #8: 20,000 PRINT RUN ALL CONTENT COPYRIGHT © 2012 GOBLINKO. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. PORK ARMY. FLYING EYES. 2 OVER TEN.

there’s only one army worth joining & that’s the pork army! be a part of the solution instead of part of the problem! the world needs porking & the pork army is gonna do it! for just $40 you can become one of the few, the brave, the righteous, the pork army! enlist & get lots of kool gear!

$40 TO enlist at internetpork.com

membership includes: exclusive 2 color canvas back patch, KUSTOM pork iron cross necklace, exclusive embroidered pork army patch, 3 exclusive buttons, 2 LIMITED EDITION sCREEN PRINTED posters, membership card, secret pork code & fringe benefits.

Q: What kind of CAR does a VAMPIRE DRIVE?” A: A BLOODMOBILE!

Gewalttätigen & Zie

rlichen!

by Sean Äaberg four-eyed bottle openers

KNIFE COMB & KNIFE LIPSTICK

From a gentler, simpler time, these four-eyed morons are ready for you to stuff your bottle in their mouth & pop that cap off using their pronounced buck-teeth. You can tell they’ve been at it for a while because they’ve already got four eyes & are game for this. Made out of cast-iron, they’re sturdy & will last longer than you.

With police budgets getting slashed, the public cowed into permission submission & men wimpier than ever, women need some new tricks in their treat bag. The knife comb & knife lipstick are perfect for chance encounters when pepper spray isn’t enough.

character steins

FLYING EYE PIN

This hand-painted pewter flying eye pin by Unkl Ian at flyingeyeballs.com is a great way to flaunt your dirty, degenerate lifestyle choices. He has a bunch of other designs too.

GOOD LUCK COIN

There’s a whole world of “character steins” out there featuring all of your important archetypal personalities from the Schwarzwald. Devils, witches, bull-dogs, roosters, the Kaiser, artillery shells, monks, nuns, alligators, bears, frogs, stags, skulls & everything else under the sun are there to liven up your drinking sessions. Steins make a fantastic collection, impressing all with their history, tradition & high-camp aesthetic value. Also, despite or perhaps because of their fragility, ceramic items have greater historic value.

I get the feeling that people used to believe in LUCK a lot more than they do nowadays. Mebbe they used to believe in a lot more things. Who knows!? All I know is that the symbols on this Good Luck Coin are all damn lucky. The all-seeing eye, the swastika, the heart, the four-leaf clover, the elephtant, the horseshoe & the lucky rabbit’s foot are all there to keep you on the path the universe has prepared for you in this life. Too bad these coins aren’t being made anymore. Seems like people could use some luck right about now.

SLUG ZOMBIES

You probably all know that Dracula is based on a real historical figure, Vlad “the Impaler” Tepes of the house of Draculesti. Vlad was a member of the Order of the Dragon, a monarchical society charged with protecting Imperial Christianity from its enemies, who at that time (the 15th century) were the Ottoman Turks. To show that he meant business, or mebbe just because of his own personality, Vlad was infamous for his incredible cruelty & particularly for impaling his political enemies. He is rumored to be responsible for the deaths of at least 80,000 people, 20,000 of which surrounded his capital-fortress on the Danube, impaled on poles, a grisly forest of rotting Turks. The current British Royal Family is descended from Vlad. This is the kind of historical character that is perfect for selling candy! Street & sweet!

thee cormans fuzz pedal

Electronics are a lot easier to do than you might imagine. We have been trained to see electricity as magic & taboo, but it is such a pervasive element of our lives, no one should have the excuse of not knowing basic electronics. With basic electronics, you can create amazing things like fuzz pedals for your favorite bands. What a great thing to do! I can think of a dozen bands just off the top of my head that should have their own effects boxes. What are you waiting for? It is fall & as the leaves change color, the mornings get crispier & the wall between dimensions weakens, the corn dogs start barking. Woof woof! Corn dogs are on the loose. Corn dogs of war are after you!

The war on drugs is total bullshit. Smoking, selling & growing weed is no big deal. As with all of the “social crimes” it’s there to create a criminal caste of disposable people who aren’t protected by the law & to increase the “black budgets” of the world’s power players. That’s all to say, it makes the game more complicated, allows you to transform your players into subterranean pieces & maintains an untaxed alternative money & commodity stream. Of course, involvement with this world gives you some street cred also, so who knows man. This bong is pretty great.

VAMPIRE CANDY

Great new 2” zombie figures that come in awesome casket packaging. I’ve been sick of zombies for a decade now, but these are pretty fuckin’ cool dude.

corn dogs

CHEECH & CHONG BONG

DEVIL RING LITTLE BIG BURGER

Nothing beats a really good burger, but very few restaurants do the simple classic correctly. Little Big Burger makes the best burger I’ve ever had. The beef tastes great, with nothing interfering, the bun is soft but holds together, the toppings complement the beef & they make their own spicy ketchup. Their fries are great also. Locations in Portland & Eugene.

VENUS FLY TRAPS

Sometimes when I’m sipping on Jupiter Juice with the Moon Goons we take a minute to watch the Venus Fly Traps, waiting for their Beelzebubian servant victims. Dig this, these little, carnivorous traps are named for Venus, but not the planet. They are named for the Goddess of Love’s Bermuda Triangle. That’s to say these are Aphrodite’s Vermin Snatches.

BLACK PORK IRON CROSS

It was just last winter that I was hemming & hawing with Katie over whether we should start carrying Iron Crosses & getting a mail-order section together. In less than a year the PORK SHOP has expanded to carrying a dozen t-shirts, two of our own Kustom Iron Crosses, 3 limited edition patches, the PORK ARMY membership kit, thousands of buttons, a whole mess of comics, coloring books, stickers, studs, beer koozies, rabbit’s feet, bubblegum cards & a bunch of other stuff. And we’re just getting started! Just last year I was having a HELL of a time even finding an affordable wholesaler for Iron Crosses & now we’re having our own ones made. Can you diggit? And we couldn’t do it without you, the PORK FAMILY. Thanks! Q: What’s the hardest part of the vegetable to eat? A: The wheelchair!

DEVILed ham

I’m sure you’ve fantasized about what it would be like to spend eternity burning in a lake of fire, haven’t you? The playful, impish figure of “the Devil” doesn’t really seem like that guy does he? Doesn’t seem like he has it in him. It’s like when people decide that PORK is their own personal devil. They don’t get it. But that’s squares for ya! As Bob Dylan said, “Sometimes Satan comes as a man of peace.” That is to say, those who create the real evil in this world don’t wear denim vests covered in studs, naughty symbols & phrases, they wear suits & they kill people with bureaucracy.

Important on several levels, I have a memory of my dad eating deviled ham sandwiches when I was a little kid. I asked him about it & he said he didn’t like the stuff, but mebbe the can was left over from the war. The act of devilling things is a wonderful culinary technique, where you blend an item such as ham or eggs with pepper, mustard, vinegar, sugar & the like, punching it up & giving it that devilish character. Much tastier than much pricier pâté I have been served.

POTTY ALL THE TIME

Raising three sons who are six, four & two means that there is a lot of bathroom use going on in my house. A lot of diapers, a lot of pee on the floor, a lot of “did you wipe your ass?”, a lot of potty all the time. These “Goodbye Cruel World” novelty items come from a simpler time when suicide was joked about instead of held over people’s heads to guilt them into caring about you. Of course you want to commit suicide, look at you. Flushing it all down the toilet is the worst thing you can do with the gift of life. Get a grip!

I think I first met Thee Cormans in 1967. I was eating a pastrami on rye at Canter’s Deli with Rodney Bingenheimer & Charles Manson. We saw what looked like a bunch of overgrown flea-market biker Muppets on cheap speed stumble into the place. Charlie was supposed to write a song for them but it wasn’t working out. They didn’t have the feminine vibe that he dug. Bingenheimer saw something in them, but it turned out to be crabs. I was trying to get a vial of Jim Morrison’s blood for a project I was working on & thought maybe these guys would be the ones to do it. I gave them each fifty bucks & never saw them again. Flash forward a hundred years & these guys are still at it. Living in their mom’s garage, building robots out of household electronics & surfing in garbage dumps. Well, they had it then & they have it now. I met with Thee Cormans in their van, down by the river.

SEAN: You guys got your own FUZZ pedal now, how do you make one of those? Shave a hitch-hiker, steal some biker meth & mix it with batteries? Thee Cormans: Ya our friend Greg at GT Sonics developed a fuzz pedal for us to use and then said hey why don’t we try and make a few to sell. He is an electro-nerd and going to lose his ass on those things! SEAN: Maybe he’s making Cormans meth also. Sounds like. Orange fuzzy Cormans speed. Thee Cormans: I doubt it. He is genius and could probably make it but he is also a giant pussy. SEAN: Describe Thee Cormans Pizza.

SEAN: I just got back from the County Fair. Every time I go to the County Fair I get angry that bands like yours aren’t playing there. It’s obviously an ideal location. What gives? Thee Cormans: We would love to play the County Fair circuit but unfortunately we fit right in with all the greasy, boil-covered carnies. Our get-up has no effect on all the overweight, inbred, buck toothed squares that seem to frequent those types of events. SEAN: What the hell happened to our country?

Thee Cormans: If Thee Cormans made you a pizza you would end up with the squirts. I am sure it would have pepperonis in the shape of swastikas, dicks, and stars of David. SEAN: Probably made by an Iiranian in Baltimore. Pizza, hot dogs or burgers? Thee Cormans: Thee Cormans have never been to Baltimore, are there a lot of Iranians? Everything down by us is made by Mexicans. They can cook anything your heart desires. SEAN: Favorite beer. Thee Cormans: Beer is for jocks and snobs. We like soda. SEAN: Dr. Pepper or Mr. Pibb or Mello Yello?

Thee Cormans: America has turn into a pile of shit. We are all to blame but some more than others. Thee Cormans don’t want to be told what do. If we want to eat a chicken sandwich from a millionaire that believes in “traditional marriage”’ we will, If we want to eat a kale salad with organic baked tofu cooked by two lesbians in cargo shorts we will do that too. Freedom is important. It’s a give and take thing but it seems like most people want to take it away from you...

Thee Cormans: It’s hard to find Mello Yello in Southern California. Mr. Pibb and Dr. Pepper are basically the same to us. We pound Mountain Dews before we go roller blading. SEAN: If you guys were gonna take over a state & Cormanize it, which one would you attack?

SEAN: You guys hate Surf bands. I can remember being a young Exploited type Punk Rock kid & ending up at Surf & Garage shows in the 90s & all these old clothes horses & people with expensive shoes would be bugging out on us drunk teenage Road-Warrior types. You guys all rock the cut-sleeves which to me has become the uniform of the new scene, which is the FREAK OUT MONSTER PARTY scene. Beef chow mein? Thee Cormans: To be honest we don’t exclusively hate “surf” bands. We hate all bands now more than ever. Music sucks right now and we are the only band trying to save it. We get a lot of hipster kids and old guys in hawaiian shirts telling us to “take off our costumes” and we always tell them, we will take ours off when they take theirs off. Beef chow mein is for white people. SEAN: I have been known to be white. Have you guys played Chica-Go-Go yet? Does them know about youse? I feel bad for the hipster kids, living life in quotation marks. What’s gonna “save” music? Punches in the face & years lived in poverty? Thee Cormans: No, we have never played that show. We don’t get asked to play that often. Not sure if they know about us or not. We don’t feel bad for hipster kids at all. Most of them just get a lot of bad tattoos and form wicked coke habits with their parents’ money. We aren’t sure what is going to “save” music. We aren’t even concerned with music, we are concerned with Rock&Roll. A good way to start saving Rock&Roll is sincerity. There are so many fly by night groups using key terms like garage, punk, psych, etc. that are basically just lame college art bands. They are pathetic and we blame their parents for buying them expensive guitars. We have been known to get in some scuffles during our gigs. For the record we hate fighting, but if push comes to shove, we will. A lot of folks just don’t know how to handle a band like us and end up wanting to tango. There have been a lot of punches and years in poverty collectively with Thee Cormans.

Thee Cormans: Oregon. We would destroy Portland. It has highest concentration of pretentious talentless slobs we have ever had the misfortune of running into. Not only are the people of Portland rude but they are ugly and dimwitted. There are a few who will be spared, but Oregon is America’s Port-O-Potty that is over flowing with turds. SEAN: Sounds good to me, we’re working on that also. Thee Cormans: It’s unfortunate. The city of Portland and the state of Oregon are beautiful. SEAN: Can you feel the funky tide rising?

Thee Cormans: Every once in while there seems to be a little surge of funkiness popping up but it washes away quickly. We all have our fingers crossed that a Tsunami of shit washes away the fakes and phonies and Rock&Roll can rise again. SEAN: Amen! Motorcycles & vans! Thee Cormans: Both are gay. Much like Rock&Roll, the people have ruined them. Buy an Elton John CD & a Prius & drive into the ocean. It’s what God & America want you to do. Big Twins Forever. SEAN: They say that a Shitsunami is gonna hit the country in April 2013 making the collapse of 2008 look like losing twenty bucks on the street. Personally, I’m looking forward to it. What are some of your survival ideas for broke-ass America? Thee Cormans: Sell all your collectible records, start drinking out of the toilet, and learn how to swim.

Q: What’s brown & sticky? A. A stick!

SLUTEVER is a rocking two-piece band from Philadelphia. I met them at the Circle K & we went under a bridge to huff glue & talk about important things. SEAN: Alright. Ideal SLUTEVER nachos! SLUTEVER: Sushi drizzled over a bed of sour gummy candy. SEAN: Ummmmmm.... Favorite horror movies! SLUTEVER: The Shining, Cujo, The Scream series, embarrassing videos of us on YouTube. SEAN: Uhhh.... Favorite MONSTERS. SLUTEVER: We’re gonna say, like, Mike Wazowski. And Blinky from the Simpsons. SEAN: Okay. You are a garbage can, what do I find in you? SLUTEVER: A pile of useless Seinfeld trivia, remnants of cherry limeades from Taco Bell, pizza crust. SEAN: Wh... wh... Would you rather live in a garbage dump or the sewers? SLUTEVER: Garbage dump. Our house is basically a garbage dump full of toys and trinkets, so we could feel at home there. But if we had to live somewhere shitty, it would probably be under a bridge. TROLLS 4 PRESIDENT 2012 USA :) SEAN: ... I gotta go.

M M A L JEFF

into 60s Weirdo Artist Jeff Lamm takes 60s Weirdo style, smashes it take on r familia yet unique a for Punk 80s with Japan & charges it up Kaiju krazy own his on g focusin been has Jeff rs! Monste of the world appear who Bravo, M5 & karacters: Greasebat, Stee-Gar, Spikewad toys. I repeatedly in his flyer work & are all highly collectable vinyl do. Hokkai , Niseko in resort ski ned abando an at Jeff with caught up e for a while now. How’d you get that SEAN: You’ve been doing these great posters for Thee Parksid have any favorites from over the years?

gig & do you

s a lot of shows there, contacted me about JEFF LAMM: Well, a few years ago an old friend’s wife, who promote doing them on a regular basis. They give me free doing some gig posters. The first few went over well, so I started there! been never I’ve that weird of reign to do whatever I want. Kind

do the sculpts on SEAN: How many of these great vinyl toys do have out? Do you them? Worship; Spike JEFF: Right now I have 4 total, Greasebat is produced by Monster es. I have several more Wad, M 5 Bravo and Stee-Gar are produced by Unbox Industri r also! I’ve been a figures planned with them, and I’m working with a third produce position. As far as life-long toy collector, so it’s really amazing for me to be in this after years of practice, sculpting, I just don’t have the skills myself. I suppose I could rs like Chaussculpto are there me for Lucky but I don’t know much about the art. I send some turnaround koskis who can turn my ideas into three dimensional forms. forth via emailed phosketches with different views and details, then we go back and s get filtered through tos. It’s really a fun process, and I like to see how my drawing the sculptor’s mind. e & Collegeville

SEAN: I saw these Greasebat vacuform masks like the old Japanes masks you did, tell me about them.

the old Halloween JEFF: I was pretty happy with those, I’ve always been a fan of d a clay form of sculpte I colors. ent fluoresc masks that were cheaply printed in and there they were. Greasebat’s face, sent it to my buddy who does vacu-forming them with floral spray I used some extras to cut painting guide masks then painted like Kamen Rider and paint. I had a small collection of Japanese masks, characters one soon, sort another have may I own. my of one make to cool was it so Mazinga Z, ed. combin of like an old costume, mask and t-shirt

d your life since? Do you

SEAN: You were in the army for three years, how has that informe come from a military family?

early 20’s. I knew very little JEFF: Yeah I joined after a bunch of my friends did, I was in my , which is probably the most Infantry the into right me walked r recruite my about the military, and wet. My unit did hungry tired, cold, time of lot a miserable of the job choices. I spent over in Germany. Parts of it not go to combat while I was in, so all we did was train over and friends for life. I’m pretty proud sucked bad, but I really enjoyed the fun stuff, and made some I’d ever done. As far as thing ing challeng of my short service, up until then it was the most before I went in. lacking was I nce confide the me gave it suppose I effect, any lasting around the same time. enlisted scene Punk gh Pittsbur When I joined a bunch of us from the so it wasn’t a huge stretch to We all had shit jobs and were from working class backgrounds, so it was a little bit traditional. enlist. Most of us had relatives who’d been in WWII or Vietnam the military, but looking back joined punks of Sometimes people think it’s weird that a bunch I mean, I got to shoot materms. own our on live and s ourselve better to d we’ve all manage again. that do to get never I’ll s, chine guns and throw hand grenade Manga & anime has stunk SEAN: Or will you? One of your key influences is 60s & 70s manga. ya! tells I for like 20 years now, but the old stuff is gold. Gold, older stuff, artists like Go Nagai. JEFF: I can’t disagree with that! I love the simple style of the g them or something. There I hardly watch any of the newer shows, unless my kid is watchin ly love, I’m always goabsolute I that mid-80s the in done manga Rider was a series of Kamen ing back to it for ideas and inspiration. SEAN: Thanks Jeff! I think there is a ghost watching us. JEFF: (exits quietly)

greasebat.com Q: Did you hear about the monster who had eight arms? A: He said they came in handy.

Fitting to their name, I was reading Chicago’s ROCTOBER magazine when the PORK PHONE rang & a red-headed voice on the other end said, “I like PORK.” Then the line went dead. I was reading a review of this band WHITE MYSTERY’s new record & I just knew that these things were CONNECTED. So I got in touch with WHITE MYSTERY’s sister guitarist ALEX WHITE & brother drummer FRANCIS WHITE & we got to talking. SEAN: My boys love the White Mystery. Open that shit up, what the fuck is it going to taste like? What does the White Mystery taste like? WHITE MYSTERY: White Mystery tastes like unadulterated sugar! Airheads invited us to tour their candy factory in Erlanger, Kentucky where the flavor is achieved with highly explosive ingredients kept in a refrigerated laboratory. SEAN: Speaking of mysteries & explosive ingredients, I’d say that mainstream music hasn’t been this shitty since the late 70s, but there are a LOT of great Rock&Roll bands out there. I want America to be one with Rock&Roll again. How does White Mystery fit into this? WM: The goal is to deliver pure energy Rock&Roll to the masses by whatever means possible, like touring, releasing records every April 20, and placing music on MTV. You need an audience to achieve Rock&Roll hypnotism, the bigger the better. Otherwise you’re a tree falling in the forest. SEAN: I was in a band with my brother & he hit me in the head with his bass & also pulled a knife on the old bass player. How’s it working out for you guys? WM: Alex popped Francis in the face with her guitar playing the attic of Uncle Fun Toystore, and Francis smashed her brand new Eastwood Classic 6 while dressed as Spiderman on Halloween, so there’s bound to be the release of energy between siblings. SEAN: Do you guys read each other’s minds? ALEX: Yes

FRANCIS: Yes

WM: White Mystery is releasing a new tune called “Telepathic” on seven-inch wax, the B-side is “Buttheads from Mars,” based on weird chants we created as kids. SEAN: I’m a curly-ass red-head also. Red-heads are the whitest white people, but they are also close to albinos & albino black folks look like red-headed white people frequently. What’s the White Mystery? WM: You nailed it, White Mystery is all of those things! Rare red-headed Greek American fros with no gingers on either side as far back as anyone can remember. SEAN: I feel like there is probably some kind of prophecy surrounding

White Mystery then. I’m just gonna say it. I can tell. WM: Yes, and the prophecy concludes on April 20, 2018. SEAN: Whoah! Tell me about Chicago hot dogs & Chicago pizza. WM: 1. It’s impossible to get an authentic Chicago Hot Dog outside of Chicago. 2. There is a delicate balance of flavor that ketchup ruins. Grow up, no ketchup! 3. Go to the Vienna Beef Factory in Chicago for dogs fresh off the line and irregular wieners at a discount. FRANCIS: PIZZA! Stuffed, spicy sausage, muthafucka. ALEX: Cracker thin crust and pepperoni from Marie’s! P.S. White Mystery also loves Indian Pizza from Zante’s in S.F. SEAN: OK, so I can see that discounted irregular wieners are part of the makeup of White Mystery, what are some of the other building blocks that you guys have built this Rock&Roll machine out of? WM: LEGOs, coffee, herbal remedies. SEAN: I’m big on guitar worship & Alex, you’ve got a big guitar sound. Tell me about the guitar. ALEX: You hear a Rickenbacker 330 Fireglo axe played through curly, American-made Lava Cables, into a lil’ Big Muff and Orange Rockerverb 2x12 Combo. I bought the guitar brand new at age 15, when it was time to get a distinctive instrument instead of a car. It’s pretty rad Orange Amps sponsors White Mystery, and you’ll know why, looking closely at the two ginger characters on their logo crest... SEAN: Cool! Jimmy Page & Pete Townshend play that guitar also! Francis Scott Key White, that’s pretty rad to be named after the guy who wrote “The Star Spangled Banner”. You’ve got a big drum sound. I saw Gary Glitter listed on White Mystery’s influences. Tell me about stadium drums. FRANCIS: Stadium drummers play their entire kits instead of just hihats and crashing all the time. Ride your floor tom, make it boomy, get a Vistalite, grow out your hair. SEAN: I’m a drummer too, I realized I wanted to be a drummer at age 4 watching Animal on the Muppet show. What drove you to beat the skins? FRANCIS: My sister brought home Nirvana “Nevermind” when I was in the fourth grade and I’ll never forget Dave Grohl coming in with that “Brrat do - do Brrat do.” He was going ape shit behind that kit and it made school irrelevant for the rest of my life -- it awoke the drummer inside me. Keith Moon going berserk at the end of “Won’t Get Fooled Again” always sends chills down my spine. And with a spine-chilling puff of white smoke & red hair, they were off, back into the mysteries of Rock&Roll.

SKINNER

interviewed by dirty donny!

SKINNER:Well I kind of got pulled into the toy thing like a frail child gets pulled into the undertow of a mighty nerd wave. My art just kind of translates well to it and the toy community has been really good to me. My first toy was the lurker, which was a resin mini-run thing that was sculpted by David Arshawsky who did a lot of the old Ninja Turtle sculpts... Sick ones like Baxter Stockman. It was an honor to have that happen! Then my Ultrus Bog character came out, Japanese vinyl... Total honor to have my stuff translated into that tradition, I love it! I have a gang of other vinyl figures coming out in 2013... Going to be insane. The most absurd mutations. It’s crazy to have toys made that little Skinner would have gone batshit over. That’s how I know it’s good. I have been doing some runs of other people’s toys as far as customizing. Airbrushing toys is so much fun. It’s crazy, I’m working with Monster Kolor on a set of Skinner colors that I had them make specifically for people who are trying to get some of my colorway styles... It’s fun. I’m about to do some ridiculous runs of Frenzy Brothers, Blobpus, and my Ultrus Bogs. I can’t wait to color some of the shit I have coming out next year.. DONNY: Your book recently came out on Gingko press. They did my book as well so we are label mates! They were great to work with and put out top notch product. How did your book project come about? SKINNER: Well, I had the luck of being in some of the Juxtapoz group books, and they seemed keen on the idea when my buddy Alex asked them how they felt about releasing a book with me. Of course it doesn’t hurt to have Alex Pardee advocate for me at any time. They were putting his book out and I think it sold ridiculously well. Why not have his less popular, misanthropic friend have a try? Haha!! He’s been so good to me. Ginkgo is killer, I gotta get your book man! We can trade! Tell me you didn’t buy one! DONNY: I would love to trade books with you, your book has been on my list! SKINNER: What are you working on right now? DONNY: Right now I just finished designs for the Brothers Grimm cartoon that is debuting at New York Comic Con in October, I did some custom Bigfoot toys yesterday and I’m lining up new shirt designs/prints for when I launch my new webstore in October. My company I have chosen is called Critical Hit. Because its a special thing that only happens when a chuckling god has favored you in battle. It’s going to be ridiculous. I have a guy in LA named Patrick Gehrheart sculpting a Halloween mask for me that’s like those high end ones you see in the Halloween stores! Gonna be ready by then! SKINNER: Your Creature skateboards look amazing, how did you like working with Creature? DONNY: I love Creature! I Love Lee over there who is like the CEO and the janitor! The dude is so grounded and real. It’s so fucking refreshing in this day and age to work with someone who understands the spirit of skateboarding and how funny and beautiful it is.. I love him.. One company I haven’t had to hound for payment also. And I pay the kids in the neighborhood who help me garden with Creature decks! Everyone is happy! SKINNER: I agree, Lee’s a good egg!

Skinner is one of my favorite living artists. His work is raw, colorful and insanely detailed with a wicked array of monster-horror pop-trash subject matter that will make your eyes-scream and your brain burn bright with excitement. Skinner is an artist’s artist, a working man with a vision. His work has been shown all over the world in the form of paintings, murals, toys and skateboards with childhood influences like Dungeons & Dragons, comic books and Saturday morning cartoons, there really isn’t much Skinner can’t do. He has taken time out of his busy schedule to talk to us so we can bring you, the PORK family, the lowdown on the man himself, in his own words. DIRTY DONNY: Your studio looks amazing, it’s filled with toys and collectibles mixed in with your work space. This is something I totally get. Can you tell us about your collections and how they came about? SKINNER: Well my obsession with comics, monsters, fantasy, myths and hideous toys began early. It’s weird to reflect back on little frowning baby anger child Skinner and wonder what it was that attracted me to all these things. I’m sure you understand when I say that I knew exactly what I liked to a minute detail. Exactly certain things about weird shit... like being obsessed with certain comics and thinking that others weren’t even worth noticing. It’s funny to look back on what kind of OCD fixations I had that continue today. The stuff I have in my studio today is all stuff that I would have gravitated towards in a furious desire: Heavy metal Ultraman death obsession... Cybernetic airbrushed T-Rex shark mind... Barbaric Hulk annihilation eternal... Hell ride anxiety in a malformed mind... Hahaha!!! It’s funny to go into other artists’ studios and think to myself,” this is what it is for them, interesting.” This is their mutation. Their catacomb of gestation. The womb of creation. Weird. The word womb makes me feel weird... Makes me think of translucent skin and veins... Tiny gross hearts beating.

DONNY: I’ve noticed you’re doing a lot of mural work lately, can you tell us about some of your recent jobs and what formats you use? I know I have some weird stories about painting in public, you just never know who’s lurking around. In my early days painting in bars was the worst, but I still had a lot of fun. SKINNER: Oh yeah man, don’t paint in a bar when people are there. Holy Christ! I do it alone or at night or way before anyone is awake. It’s nice and quiet. I froze so hard when I painted that big ass thing on lower Haight. That wind was a cold witch slapping my balls and freezing my paws man! So dumb. That’s what ambition gets ya! Frozen hands and an ounce of glory! Hahaha. I just did Outside Lands festival and now I’m going to Atlanta to work some bizarre freak magic at a dance music festival? I don’t know man, I just want to laugh and have a good time because right after that I’m going straight to Adult Swim headquarters for a 5-day art bender. I gotta get committed and come solid for them because they’ve been good to me and the mural I paint there has got to be real nice. Oh yeah, also I’m going down to SoCal to my buddy’s comic shop to paint a huge kind of Jack Kirby homage. I’m painting all this with Ironlak spray paint cuz I rep them a bit, but mostly because they have this marker refill ink that is smooth as shit! I can pull really nice lines all day over any surface with that! DONNY: Tell us about your two bands... Black Metal and Dance? That’s an amazing contrast. SKINNER: Well one band, Ungoliant, was a sort of doom psyche type of band that was really fun. Unfortunately it didn’t stay together but that’s OK. The other project I am working on is a dance album that is just fucking ridiculous. I will say this, when people hear me say I’m making a dance album, they go, “Oh Jesus what the fuck? That’s gotta suck!” and I tell you, you should reserve your judgement because I think it may be the best thing I have ever done. It’s comedic, it doesn’t take itself serious and neither do I. I did it as a form of therapy because I’m afraid and depressed all the time and it has really turned into something good! It’s fucked. Some song titles: Don’t Kill Yourself With a Klingon Blade, Cock Diamonds, Stripper Baby. Can you go wrong with that? Huh? Tell me!! Answer the question!!! Can you go wrong with that????? Hahahaha!! Let’s hang out Donny! I will show you this “dance” music!

DONNY: A mutual friend, artist Frank Kozik, just got three of your 2 foot statues. Warrior, Wizard and Alien with child. Actually I can’t wait to trade art with you ‘cause the collector junky in me needs them! Can you tell us about your inspiration and how you made them happen?

DONNY: Thats rad. My wife Oriana and I have a “Wizard Rock” band and it’s awesome/weird/rad/magic all mixed into one, haha!

SKINNER: I had those sculpted for a show I did at White Walls gallery. The dude sculpted them based on my drawings I sent him. I have the molds still. It was a clusterfuck and they weren’t ready for the show in time which was a real bummer, man. The idea was, I was doing this huge love letter homage to the things I loved about art growing up. I really feel like the pool of creation was on some special shit in the days gone by... Frazetta, Weird Tales, Alex Niño, Bernie Wrightson and everyone in Metal Hurlant, Jack Kirby, Eerie magazine, Creepy mag. I made those masks and sculptures in this way, like old masks from Halloween are so incredible. I have a ton of them. I made these masks as sculptures for someone’s wall and that old school Halloween flavor is right there on the wall. The sculptures are supposed to look like some shit from an old swap meet in Mexico... a garage sale, or you could order them from the back of Eerie magazine right there next to the giant Frankenstein poster that Jack Davis did. I don’t think many people got it... Except you and Frank, which I actually kind of feel proud of. I’m excited to have the same ridiculous sensibilities as you guys. Like I’m the bratty little brother trying to be cool,” I like weird shit too guys!!” as you spray me with a hose cuz you are washing your brown Camaro and don’t want me to see you smoking some Mexican dirt weed and tell mom. I know that feeling of making something you know is fucking rad, but then people don’t get it. It just happens sometimes. You’re like, “What the hell, man! You really don’t get it?” And sometimes, like in your case, it’s just ahead of the game. Those statues ARE the shit and a in few years, if not sooner, they will be going for big bucks! DONNY: You’re doing a lot of toys these days and I’ve noticed you’re custom airbrushing some. Can you give us a little breakdown of what’s going on with these?

HEEEEY KIDS!!!

wop bomma loo wop a wamma bamma lou!!!

AAARGH!!!

H IT IA W EL T! M R A H

A

My favorite new record! Let’s listen to these Surf rock jams while we party on the beach & grill hot dogs over a trash can fire! Also, everyone in the band has a TOTAL bonercity look! PERFECT!

GUANTANAMO BAYWATCH CHEST CRAWL

WHAT TIME IS IT? BURP

BURP

G*DD*MMIT! DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE!!!

BAAAP

YEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

ANOTHER EXCELLENT BURGER RECORDS RELEASE! My favorite kind of pop punk, melodic but still dirty, singalong but still total rock&roll!

AUDACITY - MELLOW CRUISERS

THE WINNER OF OUR FIRST PORK TIME CONTEST IS CAROLEE WHEELER OF SAN FRANCISCO! SHE WON A PORK ARMY MEMBERSHIP KIT!

fire water inside! ride apache ride into the sun!

PORK TIME!!!

THE NEXT CONTEST IS: DRAW PORKU (PORK MASCOT)! mail YOUR ENTRY TO PORK HQ OR EMAIL A SCAN TO SEAN@INTERNETPORK.COM!!!

HALLOWEEN IS COMING!!! GHOSTS! GOBLINS! GHOULS!

C’MON LETS GO! Girlschool is a super great British all girl rock & roll band, started in the 70s & still goin’! They’re my teenage rock&roll Motorhead dreams, but with better hair & poppier songs! This record also features a cover of ZZ TOP’S Tush. GET REAL!

GIRLSCHOOL - HIT & RUN

OUR FAVORITE ENTRY WILL WIN A $50 PORK SHOPPING SPREE!!!!

A WI M T H E H A LI R A T! TIME FOR SOME ILLEGAL DOWNLOADING!!!

I GOT MY LOVEABLE POKEYMANS COSTUME!

UMM...

BORP

BORP

BEEP

????

HEY YOU JERKS! IT'S PORK TIME!!!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! THAT’S NOT SCARY! YOU LOOK LIKE A CONVENTION NERD!!!

OOOPS!

PORKU! HALLOWEEN IS A SCARY TIME! A TIME WHEN EVIL STALKS THE EARTH!

I THOUGHT THE ELECTIONS WERE IN NOVEMBER!

HEY APACHE!!! DO YOU WANNA BE ON PORK TIME OR WHAT?

SOMEBODY CALLED ME ON THE PHONE. THEY SAID...

OH WOW! YEEAH!!! WILD!!!

ride apache ride!!!! uh. i guess so!

“HEY, IS OMAR HOME?”

BYE KIDS! SEE YOU NEXT TIME!

BY SEAN & KATIE ÄABERG WITH AMELIA HART, sammy & THE ÄABERG brothers!

Jason Karns does some of the best comics out there right now under the banner of FUKITOR. Words like exploitation, sleaze, brutality & Goddamn! come to mind when reading these fantastic digest-sized books. Karn goes the extra mile to make them feel like proper comic books. They are printed on shitty newsprint & the only gloss you find on them is the cover, which is thin & woggly. Karns, like many before him (Crumb famously) was pushed over the edge in the sick pursuit of graphic gratuity when he discovered the comics of S. Clay Wilson (publisher of PORK comics!). PORK got a few words in with Karns in a quiet field butting up against an overgrown, forgotten junkyard somewhere in Illinois.

SEAN: Comics have really sucked for a long time. Most independent comics are about cats, tea, glasses & snuggling. What is your favorite Chinese dish? JASON KARNS: Yeah, there’s a lot of arty-farty stuff out there. That’s not my style, but I think there’s room for everybody. That’s why I make the comics I do. It’s what I wanna see. I seldom eat Chinese food, but I like a good shrimp lo-mein. SEAN: My kids love your comics, I think little boys across America would love to read FUKITOR comics. I was reading Freak Brothers before I could read. How can we make this happen? JASON: I actually learned about underground comics at a young age myself. The local library had a children’s section and there were books about comic books. Nobody bothered to notice not all the books about comics were about superheroes and shit. So, there I am, still in grade school reading about Crumb, Shelton, Spain, and others. Some of the drug humor went over my head, but I dug their style and their attitude. If a kid’s smart enough, they’ll be fine reading whatever.

SEAN: I was immediately reminded of the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comics when I saw your work, what are some key influences & motivations? JASON: Old comic books, old movies, and my own warped imagination. SEAN: You do art for Metal bands. Who have you done work for & who would you like to do work for? JASON: I don’t do that anymore. I did some stuff for Ghoul, Frightmare, Toxic Holocaust, Gorerotted, Zombie Ritual, Gorebound, and some others. It was good practice and fun while it lasted. I got burned out though and really wanted to focus on just the comics. Well, that and too many one-man bands from Europe kept both-

ering me for free art. I used to laugh at that. Not only are you too pussy to get a REAL band together, you also can’t scrounge up any cash? Sometimes I would ask fuckers like that if their cd was gonna be free too? That usually shut them up. SEAN: I think a sign that your comics, band or magazine is successful is when you scare people with it. Have you gotten any awesome negative feedback from FUKITOR? JASON: Been a while actually. I’m lucky that the right people find my stuff. In the past there would be the occasional Jesus freak commenting on a pic on a website. I’d just laugh and delete it. I’m sure it’ll happen again someday. That’s the way the world is. There’s a lot of people who take cartoons way too seriously. But yeah, if it scares them, then fuck yeah, mission accomplished. SEAN: What can PORK readers look forward to from you in the future? JASON: Simply more of the same. I’ve got tons of material that hasn’t drawn itself out yet. There’s more horror, crime, and just balls-out action stuff still in the works. Plus, there’s lots of old movies I still haven’t paid homage to yet. Lots of CRAP! (FOR MORE FUKITOR VISIT fukitor.blogspot.com) Q: What’s better than ROSES on a PIANO? A: TULIPS on your ORGAN!

I CAN READ by SEAN ÄABERG

I can read, you know, I can read! Well-done books & magazines are crucial to the passing on of our whole enchilada. Without books like Please Kill Me, We Got The Neutron Bomb, Lexicon Devil, England’s Dreaming, reprints of PUNK & SLASH zines & stuff like that PORK as it is wouldn’t exist. PORK is working on shaping what zines look like in the future, pushing the dynamic attitude & lifestyle & emphasizing the aesthetic quality, the energetic crackle & rich, historical gravy of us True Blue Bohemian American types. From the heart. HUMAN BEING LAWNMOWER #3

Edited by Avi Spivak AVISPIVAK.COM $6 This guy Avi Spivak puts out a real piece of work with this Human Being Lawnmower. Who would have guessed that 2012 has witnessed some of the best zines ever made? Well, it’s happening. The whole thing is a right-on package with a lot of cartoons & handwriting done by Spivak hisself. The content is pure roots Punk Rock&Roll the way we like it & it oozes the sleaze, slime, grease & grit of NYC so much that I was checking my fingers to make sure I didn’t catch something. This volume contains words with & on Cock Sparrer, Lou Reed, the Troggs, New York Niggers, Fanny & so much more. Also, lotsa great comics & record reviews even. Like I said, it’s a fantastic package. Spivak does comics for PORK & is a key figure in the creation & promotion of this here American Rock&Roll thing we’re doin’.

unbelievABLE!!! NEWS OF THE WORLD WITH JASON MCKAY

CHARLES MANSON’S NACHO RECIPE #6

witchcraft! hoaxes! cryptoids! ufos! ghosts! cults! conspiracy theories! scientific scares! the occult! & all manner of weirdness from the desk of the northwest’s premier dubiologist, j.j. mckay! follow unbelievable on tumblr! jjmckayunbelievable.tumblr.com May 30 CULTS Cultish ‘Knights Templar’ Mexican drug cartel firebombs various PespsiCo (Cheetos, Mountain Dew and Doritos’) warehouses and delivery trucks for spying on behalf of the government!

I’m a seeker. I’ve been looking FOR SOMETHING since I can remember. I don’t even know what I’m looking for necessarily. I’m looking for IT. This is pretty frustrating sometimes, but when that elusive THING pops up, it’s an amazing feeling. Charles Manson’s Nacho Recipe is one of those things. A key that unlocks the doors to entire worlds of new ideas, unexplored options, secret passages, the fucking parting of the mist & the declaration of revelations! When I discovered Charles Manson’s Nacho Recipe I disliked Manson in general & the use of the swastika in any way was totally verboten. I thought he was just a hippie full of hokum, a tongue-twisting trickster & a Pied Piper of perversion. The swastika itself meant everything BAD! As I finished reading this zine, it was as if the very direction of my brain had been turned. Instead of looking in, everything was coming out & I felt amazing. The world was new.

razorcake magazine

RAZORCAKE.ORG $4 Punk means so many different things to different people that it’s pretty much a useless term as far as I’m concerned. Razorcake is one of the handful of MRR clones that popped up when they got too big for their britches in the mid 90s. I’ve never got a solid beam on what set Razorcake apart from MRR, Punk Planet or Heart Attack. Initially they seemed Poppier & less PC. They say, “We believe in a form of punk that is community-friendly, truly independent, positive, progressive, relevant, and exciting.” which doesn’t sound too Punk to me. But then again, some people think garlic, bicycles & hairy legs are Punk. Like I said, it’s a useless term. There’s a lot of art in the magazine, none of which I was too into. They do run pieces by Nardwuar, which is great. It feels directionless to me.

JUNE 11 ufos New Brunswick, Canada farmer charged for neglect in the death of 250 of his own cows over a ten year period… the farmer, however, blames alien death rays! JUNE 19 CRYPTOZOOLOGY The beliefs of citizens of the nations of Gambia, Malaysia, & Borneo in mythical creatures have resulted in forest and land preservation by their governments! JULY 12 UFOs Newly released secret files on UFOs from the British Ministry of Defense reveal that the famous Welsh Roswell, known as the Dyfed Triangle Incident, was likely an elaborate hoax! JUNE 25 PSYCHIC PHENOMENON Facebook psychic Mustafa Kılıç swindles 120,000 Turkish liras from a Swiss investment manager who hopes to lose her streak of bad luck… all he gives her is a ‘magic’ bag of rocks! JULY 14 WITCHCRAFT Elections in Papua, New Guinea delayed due to arrest and public horror of twenty-nine cannibal cult members arrested for eating the brains and genitals (in a soup) of suspected sorcerers! JULY 26 WITCHCRAFT Thousands of people in Cambodia flock to the location of a magical log, known for both its magical healing powers and ability to give good luck during the lottery!

ben lyon’s black line fever

Published by Ratcharge ratcharge.blogspot.com I wanna thank whoever titled this zine, be it Ben Lyon or Alex Ratcharge, because every time I see it, I get “Cat-scratch Fever” stuck in my head. Does this make Ben Lyon the Ted Nugent of Weirdo Aritsts? Ben Lyon is one of a few dudes who are real Rock&Roll Weirdo Artists, unleashing the true, screwball imagery of us that walk the path of grease, grime & gristle. Cartoony type pictures are the best way to express the way-out, wild, wiggly & worm-eaten American culture that we are building here. Ben Lyon gets it. His reference points are correct. Like Robert Crumb minus the neuroses! And, Ben Lyon is prolific. This is very important to me, because idle hands are the Devil’s playthings & you gotta keep busy. Don’t listen to THEM. Also importantly, Ben Lyon’s work is both rooted in the old WEIRDO traditions but it’s also very much his own personal vision & also very now. I’d buy up everything he does while it’s still cheap if I were you.

ROCTOBER #50

Edited by Jake Austen ROCTOBER.COM $5 Man! Fifty issues! I’ve been reading Roctober for 20 years now. Holy moly! But I only really GOT Roctober in 2000 or so, when #29 came out, the MAXIMUMSAMMYSOUL issue. For this particular issue, Jake & Co. managed to create a spoof of MAXIMUMROCK&ROLL using only Sammy Davis Jr. content. This was amazing on many levels, but particularly, in an age when the importance of the zine had shrunk as the internet pervaded, it was very important that the most amazing zine ever made was created. From then on I read every issue of Roctober, front to back & then a couple more times just to make sure I was soaking it all up. Back then I was floundering, having dropped conforming to any specific subculture & trying to figure out how I could make money & do what I wanted to do with my life & not be an embarassment to my family or myself & Roctober lead me out of the hole I was in & into clarity about America, show-biz, the underground & sticking to your guns. Every household should

AUGUST 3 WITCHCRAFT Four Haitian children beaten to death by voodoo witchdoctor attempting to ‘cure’ them of a mysterious disease believed to be caused by demon possession. AUGUST 9 GHOSTS Former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, during a speech for the Women’s Political Committee in Washington D.C., recalls that on the day she was inaugurated as Speaker of the House the ghost of Susan B. Anthony and other historical women were in the room with her. AUGUST 14 WITCHCRAFT The UK government, including Minister of Children and Families Tim Loughton, to step in and protect children from parents’ abusive religious superstitions and witchcraft! (Like the children in Haiti from August 3!) AUGUST 15 CONSPIRACY THEORY Megadeth front man Dave Mustaine accuses President Obama and his administration for ‘staging’ the mass killings at the Aurora Theater in Colorado and Sikh Temple in Wisconsin as an attempt to collect everybody’s guns! AUGUST 16 WITCHCRAFT EBAY officially bans the sale of any and all magical potions, fetishes, Tarot cards, divination tools, crystal balls, spells or any other occult or witchcraft product on their website! AUGUST 21 PSYCHIC PHENOMENON New Jersey woman claims to be cursed by a trio of Detroit psychics/palm readers for informing on them to the police three years earlier… to lift the curse she had to deliver $2,000 to them, which is likely to get them in more legal trouble!

SCHITZLES DER CAT #1

by Shawn Dickinson shawn-dickinson.blogspot.com $5 MEIN GOTT!!! WHAT A GREAT COMIC BOOK!!! Shawn Dickinson knocked it out of the park with this MASTERPESO. So many artists don’t GIVE & DICKINSON SHOVELS IT OUT with SCHITZLES DER CAT!!! 100% WEIRDO ROCK&ROLL KARAZY KARTOONISHNESS that speaks to all that is CARTOONY GREASINESS & ROOTS AMERICANA. I’m kind of tripping that such GREAT SCHTUFF is coming out in this shitty futuristic time we’re living in, but man, THERE IS A LOT OF GREAT SCHTUFF & SCHITZLES DER CAT IST VUN OF DER GREATEST THINGS DAS IST KOMMIN’ OUT OF DER 2012s! Dickinson’s art combines the old school styles of black & white Mickey Mouse, the old Fleischer Brothers cartoons with the newer ultra cartoonishness of Ren & Stimpy with every 60s teensploitation theme in the book. And there are iron crosses everywhere. It feels like home.

Q: Which SIDE of a YETI is the FURRIEST? A: The OUTSIDE!

MADNESS FREESTYLE

PUNK AT THE MUSEUM by PROFESSOR Dan Shoup The early days of Punk are a misty memory, and Punk has morphed into a rambling field of nostalgia by two generations of music critics. Under the endless pile of books is a real need to figure out how to memorialize the subculture. Punk rock is embedded in the DNA of modern pop culture and obviously a crucial element of the PORK lifestyle. But what is it that is important that we remember about ’77, or ’87, or ’97 punk? And how do you preserve something that’s basically antipreservation? Strategy 1: Annex it to the art world. Take the 2010 installation by Justin Lowe at the Wadsworth Athenaeum in Hartford, CT. It’s a recreation, in life size, of the CBGB’s bathroom. The legendary NYC club, which birthed the Ramones, Talking Heads, Patti Smith, Television, etc. etc. shut down in 2006 and is now a John Varvatos boutique (insert metaphor about NY here). The installation at the Wadsworth – a fine neoclassical museum started by a rich guy in 1842 – was part of a four-room experience called “Werewolf Karaoke” and pretty quick you get that the bathroom is not a replica but an interpretation: Lowe put a Jackson Pollock painting in one of the stalls to “express the relationship between abstract expressionism and graffiti”. The art industry works by vacuuming up pop culture, sprinkling it with highbrow concepts, and repackaging it as an investment product, though this might be the bottom of the barrel (having assimilated every other life experience into the contemporary art market I guess we’re down to the delight of pissing between songs at the club). The installation is just one of many clever twists in exploiting the club’s legend as an art brand: there’s also a Hollywood movie in the works (Alan Rickman as Hilly Kristal!) and they’re planning a CBGB festival that will have 300 bands and a multi-million dollar budget.

A lot of people don’t like it when I write in rap, they say I’m too old or I’m not black, but fuck that, they need to step the fuck back, I don’t carry a gat but I carry a cat, I’m dope, I use more hemp than rope, I got skills, ones that help me come, I’m white, but really that’s all right, I get more props than pussy gets dykes, I’m fresh, I chill with the ref, I bust faces, America’s Worst Police Chases, is a program, I watch with the fam, chillin’ with a gram smuggled in from Iran and I type, used to be a freaked-out hype, but now I’m straight, you could say life is great, it don’t suck, freaky fucks runnin’ amuck, I kill more people than a redneck in a pickup truck, I seldom get dissed, not like your boyfriend you got off Craig’s List, armageddon, out of here-see you later, gonna go chill south of the equator, debater, rhyme syncopater, elevator, true rap devastator, DJ cuts but he skippin’ on the fader, later, hit you with the 9 double quim, your world, will rock like Jessie’s girl, you’ll skim, is she really going out with him, Joe Jackson, used to get a lotta action, still, I used to rhyme kill and fill your world, but I wish I had Jessie’s girl, it’s stupid, shot dead by cupid, revoked, please stop bummin’ smokes, get ghost, I rhyme coast to coast to ocean, squeeze you out like lotion in a tube, so what’s up dude, a dumb ass rapper with a bad attitude, that’s played, I remember back in the day I said gay, not referring to an anal lay, but as a cut, but now you can’t rock a cut without PC, but it makes no diff to me so fuck off, it’s a DJ holocaust and I’m gone, like Marvin Gaye I’m just getting on or T-Rex, cold bangin’ a gong or so long, because I’m splittin’, this freestyle’s cool but not hard, hittin’ the bricks, it’s not the shit it’s the poop, so go and get a double scoop and chill out, play a song by No Doubt and relax, if you can’t come send a fax by machine, while Bobby Mad makes the green as in cash, double dippin’ and cold kickin’ ass, and I’ll shoot, play the flute and watch reboot with dot matrix, hanging out with cool chicks or fly dudes so just....fuck.

America’s Business Climate - God Damn!

People gripe about the current business climate in Amerikkka,and how hard it is to open a mom and pop asbestos factory these days now that there’s a president who lets gay people kiss, or whatever. You can blame Obama if you want to, but I think the problem is a lot more complicated than that. The business climate does suck, but for starters, people are broke! That might slow the economy down a little bit, if you think about it. Even though the minimum wage is pretty high, so are all the prices on food, gas, ammo, drugs, beer -- you know, the essentials! Plus, huge corporations like Walmart and Lowes and shit build a store like every 11 feet. So of course nobody is going to go into the city, pay for parking, deal with bums and crime to pay more for, I don’t know, anal beads and lube or whatever, when they can get a better deal on anal beads and lube at some huge market on the edge of the city. Plus, the local government is retarded in the fact that they let people open way So does this help us remember? Turning to the art world gets you interpretation too many stores in the first place. How much capitalism do we need? Just to get the taxes and licensing fees, there’s a store, store, store every fucking block in every city everywhere more than preservation. (Real preservation would have a piss smell to it.) Not a now. Some corporation that gets all their shit from China can afford to lose money for 12 bad thing in itself, but never meant to imitate the historical experience. years while they run the locals out of business. Even though everything you buy there wears out in 2 seconds because it’s chintzy and made by slave labor, you’re broke so you Strategy 2: Make it a museum. Punk is a special exhibit in music museums like the Experi- don’t care. Plus, all the rich people got extra greedy because they hate Obama (the whole ence Music Project (which exhibits Kurt Cobain’s smashed guitars behind glass) or fashion democracy thing pretty much bugs them), so they cut pay, cancelled holidays,stole health care and stopped picking up hitchhikers in their Ferraris. On the other end of the spectrum, museums like London’s V&A, which have a bunch of togs by Vivienne Westwood. Those lazy people got frustrated because they weren’t getting fat fast enough, so they started stuffy highbrow spots don’t really capture the Punk spirit, I think we can all agree. This sum- clogging up safety nets for the poor and elderly. Then conservatives, who are dicks anyway, mer something different opened: the ‘Punk Rock Museum’ in LA Chinatown. Creator ‘Tequila voted in crazy laws to lock up black people, a lot of whom are so angry, they’re still pissed Mockingbird’ says Darby Crash of the Germs made her promise to ‘keep Punk alive’ back in about slavery, for christsake. So now, everybody wants stuff, nobody has it, and then global 1980, and she’s doing it by collecting photography, collage, and posters from the LA scene warming kills all the penguins, so we don’t even have them around to entertain us when we’re depressed. Soon, it’s like Children of Men, and Michael Caine gets shot -- now that’s as well as putting on live shows. A lot of the art is for sale, so the place comes off as a mix just unnecessary, fishes. Is this the kind of planet you want your kids to grow up on? Probof preservationism and punxploitation (itself a Punk historical tradition). Tequila comes ably, but it just shows to go you, it’s a lot more complicated than our groovy president, nom sain? off as a weird combination of smug scenester and hectoring middle-aged person in her YouTube gallery tours but some of the artwork looks cool. Another Punk museum is taking shape this year in Ljubljana, Slovenia, with film, objects, and paraphernalia from Yugoslav punk and hardcore scene from 1977-1987. It’s a tough question, how to do a Punk museum: the worshipful put-the-artifact-behindglass treatment is a ridiculous way to treat a subculture built around aggression, spontaneity, anti-authoritarianism, and a DIY ethic. A Punk museum can’t stand still. The LA and Ljubjana museums are trying to avoid this by collecting donations, changing up their displays, taking art on tour and holding live shows. Both institutions, though, are obviously dependent on the fact that the culture being commemorated is within living memory – their bread and butter is reunion shows, donations from scenesters, and nostalgia from the younguns who missed out. When the ’77 and ’87 punks and their little brothers finally all die, what will be interesting to the future? The photos and collages and t-shirts will need a lot more explaining to have any relevance at all. Strategy 3: Record it like an archaeologist. Take the archaeological analysis of graffiti at the Sex Pistols’ old apartment in London by Paul Graves-Brown and John Schofield, reported in the mainstream archaeology journal Antiquity last year. A couple of archaeologists, they used their dig skills to record these scrawlings and caricatures drawn by Sid and Johnny in their old flat at 6 Denmark Street, London. They’ve got a sketch of Malcolm McLaren clutching some money under a giant pompadour, the predictable swastika, and one saying ‘God is a cunt’. Even the girls from Bananarama stopped by and tagged up the place. The archaeologists recorded the apartment like they would some Palaeolithic cave, using computer programs to trace and rectify the graffiti. They also offer some obligatory twatty theory-speak (“Deconstruction of the graffiti...presents a layering of time and changing relations”), but basically the article is an interesting insight into the context of the Sex Pistols. Malcolm McLaren rented the apartment for the band to play and hang out. Steve Jones was homeless and so he moved in, and Steve Cook and Glen Matlock stayed there a bit too. Bananarama lived there for a bit and Malcolm McLaren hung onto the place until about 1986. We all know about Malcolm McLaren’s Svengali-like creation/manipulation of the Sex Pistols, but who knew he was paying for their apartment? Or that it was a trendy, musicindustry block? In the same building was studio space for Badfinger, and home of Hippie design company Hipgnosis (who did Pink Floyd and Zeppelin cover art). It was right down the street from Regent Sound (where the first Stones album was recorded) and the offices Trigger, Please! I’m constantly debating myself in my mind: Whole Foods or New Seasons? It’s just one of of the Melody Maker. The authors flirt with recommending that the apartment be ‘preserved’ and get a little blue plaque from the government about its importance, but make the right call in the end: “this is not so much heritage as anti-heritage… in the spirit of punk perhaps a DIY approach to heritage management is all the site needs”. From the archaeologist’s point of view, how to commemorate punk is a crucial question. Historically, arts and culture were about making beautiful objects and buildings for rich people, and when museums and preservation laws were created that’s what they focused on. Later on we realized that everyday objects and homes of ordinary people mattered too. But Rock&Roll – and especially Punk rock – was about making a culture where you didn’t need institutions, buildings, and objects. Attitude, feeling, experience, and a sense that you could make your own life – punk anticipated the way we live now. In the internet age the object has lost its mojo. Blogs have made DIY publishing normal. In a few years, we’ll be using 3D printers to make everything else. What’s really valuable is not stuff, but reputation and experiences. So how we remember Punk rock is also a question about how we’re going to remember everything that comes after it. The answer will fall somewhere between heritage and anti-heritage: a mix of remembering and forgetting.

VISIT archaeopop.blogspot.com FOR MORE Q: What did Dracula say to his new apprentice? A: We could use some new blood around here!

those endless debates. Whole Foods has great deals on frozen bean dishes, but... New Seasons has those peanut butter bars I love so much! Hmmmmm.... Another one is, rat poison or sulfuric acid? Rat poison will dry out my stomach and throw me into a compulsive stupor, which would be great, but sulfuric acid would burn out my throat and my intestines! It’s like trying to decide which is better, Sting’s solo work or the Batman massacre? Hell, they’re all great! This whole world is just so great and full of greatness. How can we ever repay the fantastic community of the planet Earf for being so gosh darn charitable and letting us live on this floating garbage heap -- before it gets cooked and thrown into chaos by greenhouse gas, that is? Actually, though, the Occupy protesters will save us first. Yeah, of that I am sure. It will happen. They’ve already had such an incredible impact on the upper echelon of profiteers ruining the planet. They can’t even stop driving their own cars for transportation, of course. I stopped driving in 1990. So none of these greenhouse gasses are my fault. I know, I’m great. My commitment to changing the planet is immense. And yet, I find when I’m around people who are politically active, I hate their fucking guts and want them all to die. Why? Because they’re self righteous, finger pointing pigs. Their politics are just another step in their shell game with reality and accountability. They mean nothing, and won’t change shit, because they’re too fucking greedy to really commit to any kind of change that would really do anything good. How do I know so much about this non-subject? Because I’m right there with them, pretending I’m different because I have a bike, or smoke weed, or don’t, or whatever the reason to feel better than everybody else is this week. But it doesn’t really change a fucking thing. That’s why life is such a God damn joke these days, and fuck bubbles like that pussy in Colorado are filling people with lead -- because nothing matters anymore. We’re all going straight to heck, the racists and the anti-racists, the Catholics, the Green Party, the Commies, the queers. No one is safe from the oncoming crush of reality. Our one defining moment will be totally avoided for another day. We’re all a crappy ally, like Spain. Hmmm, I wonder...should I vote for the rich white guy, or Mitt Romney?

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the SLOW POISONER

Greetings, gentle friends. It is said that every man and woman is a house on fire, staring out a second-story window as their lives burn slowly to the ground. While this is true, it does seem that the universe has turned up the heat these past few months, and as The Slow Poisoner, I am here to spread my soothing balm on the hot topics of these trippy times. It’s fitting that our first letter concerns the End of Days, and Rock&Roll to boot… Dear Poisoner, With Dick Clark dead, is this Mayan calendar stuff for real? Is the world going to end soon? Have we already counted down our last New Year? - Rich T., San Francisco, CA

Yes, yes, and yes. According to the ancient calendar known as the Maya Long Count, we are nearing the end of a cycle of 13 b’ak’tuns, or roughly 5,125 years. Inscriptions on the monument of Tortuguero (a Mayan city from the classic period, located in present-day Tabasco, Mexico) connects the end of the 13th b’ak’tun with the appearance of Bolon Yokte’ K’uh, a god of war, conflict, and the underworld. It is believed that musicians played a role in many ceremonial functions in ancient Maya culture, among the most important of which was the playing of drums and flutes to ward off the sinister advances of Bolon Yokte K’uh from his lair below. With America’s Oldest Teenager now dead, the music of our land has been silenced, which unfortunately leaves us ripe for apocalyptic harvest by this great horned deity. Dear Mr. Poisoner, I wish to construct a puppet stage out of PVC pipe. What advice can you give me on this project? Please be thorough and forthright with your answer. This project is indeed for a charity that brings the arts to dead children, who are often denied access to the arts because of the lack of funding towards the living impaired. Please help. Your best buddy, Tommy from Coyote Cave

When building a structure out of polyvinyl chloride tubing, I recommend dry fitting 3” t-connectors to a set of 90-degree elbows, connected at the rear joint assembly with 55” cross bars. But an even better method would be for you to make your way to Kongsberg, in the Buskerud county of Norway, and slay an adolescent troll; then, using a 22” length of pipe, push out its brain through the ear canal. After cleaning the rest of the skull, attach a velvet curtain over the eye sockets (I use 1” strips of Velcro), thrust your Punch and Judy through the nasal cavities and it’s time to put on a show! Dear The Slow Poisoner, I’m German-English, but my family is as big as an Italian one and as brilliant as a Jewish one. And that’s the problem. My oldest brother is a racist, my second oldest is a reverseracist, and the youngest is a homosexual. When we get together it’s like the Fourth of July... in 1775. My ma and pa are both in denial on either side, respectively. What am I? - Dino De Shapple, Oakland, CA

What you are is a “heterosexual,” or a person sexually and/or romantically attracted to persons of the opposite sex. I deduce this from observing the double-yin-yang behavioral patterns in your fraternal family. Notice how your honky cracker bigot of a big brother is inversely balanced by the urban hipster liberal leanings of the second sibling. Similarly, since the youngest is light-in-the-loafers, you, my friend, are in all likelihood straight. It may be boring, but embrace your true self! Dear Slow Poisoner, If someone contracts a communicable disease while in church, do they have to be excommunicated to make the disease go away? - Sincerely, Tracie D., Eugene, OR

The act of excommunication dates back to the longhaired notions of Jesus Christ, who stated “If (the sinner) refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” (Matthew 18:17) Strong words, but they need only be applied to sufferers of the following ailments: syphilis, herpes, the clap and crabs. Dear Slow, Why are there no green flowers? - Foxx T., Denton, TX

Actually, there is a green flower, and it stinks! Artabotrys Odoratissimus (also known as the ylang-ylang vine) possesses a verdant hue and a particularly pungent scent. You see, flowers are the Earth’s vaginas, and in order to become impregnated they need to attract pollen-carrying bees and butterflies. Bright blue or red petals are the most common way for a flower to catch insectoid eyes, but being smelly also works... So, while most flowers don a more colorful dress to get some action, Artabotrys Odoratissimus just slathers on the perfume! CONFIDENTIAL to Jocasta M. in Benicia, CA: I would urge you to get out of there immediately.

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Two Worms and a Wort.. THE BITTER TRUTH

(How quasi-pharmacology shaped modern cocktail culture) There are a lot of theories to the etymology and history of the modern cocktail (1925 to 1975), and also pre-modern / Victorian versions. At the heart of each theory is a story of a unique moment of inspiration and synthesis sweet meeting bitter, booze meeting wine, a long night meets a liquid brunch, and other elusive hairs of the same dog. Some people are whiskey purists or wine purists and will never actually wrap their heads around what a real cocktail, and a good cocktail can do for them. Regardless, there is kind of a LOT of mythology about the birth of the cocktail, and it is something distinctly American and ours, just as much as Johnny Appleseed, Geronimo, and the Illuminati. My personal favorite theory goes like this... “Sometime during the Revolutionary War, some French guys and some American Revolutionaries were celebrating a victory at a funky inn somewhere in the Northeastern Colonies, and they poured some cured French wine into a jug with some American whiskey. They pulled some feathers from a rooster they stole from the Brit soldiers and gave the concoction a swirl with the tail-feather. There’s your cocktail... not much different from a Manhattan or an Old Fashioned, (basically herbed wine and/or bitters + whiskey or other spirits). Historic cocktail stories tend to share a common theme; that is, a cocktail is both an inebriant AND a tonic or restorative. How is it a tonic? Well, because of bitters. Bitters = a base spirit + therapeutic essential oils of certain herbs. The use of bitters as medicine dates back to the times well before Common Era. Bitter herbs are repulsive to creatures like fleas, intestinal worms, malaria-infested mosquitoes (via Quinine i.e. Campari), and other creepy crawlies that have haunted humankind over the ages, which is just ONE PART of why people started to ingest them, long, long ago. The herb called Wormwood is a really good example, and LOTS of liqueurs and cordials are made with Wormwood, as are many volumes of classic and antiquary literature. Not only is Wormwood supposedly able to rid the body of worms and other parasites, but it also contains a psychoactive alkaloid called Thujone. Most Americans kids have gone crazy on Jaegermeister at least once in their teens or 20’s, and Jaegermeister is a good example of a bittersbased cordial which many cocktalians attest to as containing Wormwood, (though the actual recipe is a closely guarded secret). Jaegermeister is rumored to contain roughly the same ratio to volume of Wormwood extract as do the original recipes of Vermouth. Dear old Wormwood has contributed to countless eras of culture including the Parisian cafe society of the 1920’s, in the form of Absinthe. Wormwood is not only the green fairy in Absinthe, but is named genus Artemesium after the goddess of divination & hunting, Artemis, and the herb may have played a part in the incense sniffed by the Sibyls who ran the Oracle at Delphi. Hey, that’s history! There are mentions of Wormwood in the writings of many ancient Greek philosophers and alchemists, and of their peers in Egypt and Jerusalem. There’s even a shooting star named Wormwood in the crazy old book of Revelations, and as you might suspect, it makes everything taste bitter during the end of the world... (thank heavens, ‘cause I just HATE sugar coatings). According to Revelations, the world goes down with a nightcap otherwise known as the star named Wormwood, which crashes into the oceans and messes everything up... not so unlike a night of Manhattans at the Astor Hotel in 1935 during the rise of the Manhattan Cocktail, or in Louisiana during the birth of the Sazerac or the “Old Fashioned”... whiskey + (then pharmaceutical) bitters and a muddled sugar cube or two. For sources and a bibliography, visit my blog grapeapenyc.com

Drinking and Driving EN IBERIA (Part One)

My band The Rats of New York went to Spain and Portugal recently, for a month. A lot of folks know about Cava and Rioja, sweet Port wine and Sherry, but there are TONS of other really tasty wines, beers and local liquors that come from Spain and Portugal that we rarely catch wind of here in the U.S. We never actually drove drunk, thanks to our friend and tour manager Dany Torres of Granada. He did all the driving, and allowed us the freedom to experiment heavily with the local flora, faunas and late-night wine lists. We stopped at a bunch of Bodegas (Wineries) on our trip along Calle de Santiago (Road of the Saint) during the Northern days of the Rock&Roll tour. People were super nice to us and gave us lots of cool LOCAL DRINKS to try. For a bit of background, just know that DO stands for Denominacion de Origin, and DOC stands for Denominacion de Origin de Calificada (and DOCG is the highest level in Spanish wine legal qualification systems). As a sidetrack, 90 percent of the wines that Rats of New York drank on tour were of the more simple category of Spanish table wines, a.k.a. Vino de Mesa, and that’s not to say anything less about the table wines, but more that they were different from DOC and DOCG... incredibly fresh, of the moment and immediately quaffable. Ribeira Sacra DO: A lesser known region which maintains its inspiration from the Abbey ruins within its local river valleys. The main grape of red wines is Mencia, which imparts just enough dryness and acidity to match the foods of Galicia, bridging the Celtic/Gaul influences with central Spain. Medium to thin-skinned red wine grapes grown in blue-gray slate and highland granite. Hard to find in U.S. wine shops. Liquors de Herbas (Lugo, alleged City of Witches): When we played in Lugo, the first order of business was our host greeting us with a variety of handmade liquors. Some were minty, some had the fragrance of white flowers such as Elderflower, and others were specifically built for pairing with coffee as an after-meal digestif. Gorgeous hand-hewn cordials that looked and tasted like they were fortified with straight-up DRUIDS-BLOOD! (Same goes for the local Vermouth... amazing stuff.) Amarelo de Beira Baixa i.e. Castello de Branca: SAY CHEESE! I almost got FIRED from my OWN BAND for keeping a small brick of this cheese in my guitar case. SOOO STINKY... and yet SOOO DELICIOUS! A combination of raw goat and raw sheep milk, soft rind. Native to Oporto and the city’s Near-East regions. Wines of Portugal (that is, DRY, “Non-Ports”): One thing to keep in mind about Portugal is that they do things their OWN WAY. They PARTY until 9 or 10 AM, seven days a week, and their wines are an unabashed melting-pot of old and contemporary techniques, crossed with indigenous vs. international varieties. There is a FREE tasting center in Lisboa, central square along the waterway, where anyone can try a flight of both noble and charismatic Portuguese wines from every corner of the country. (GOOGLE that.) White Port & Rocks - An Apertif: In middle Portugal, around Coimbra, it is not uncommon for folks to order WHITE PORT as an aperitif, on ice. I have never even seen a single bottle of White Port anywhere in the U.S., but oh, it is delicious. Tour tasting notes: Part II, with info about Valdepenas, Lyon D.O., Calayatud, Iberian Cervesas and lots of other things COMING SOON in next issue of PORK.

Beast regards, Jake Rat theratsnyc.com grapeapenyc@gmail.com To drink is not the answer; however, drinking makes one forget the question.

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