6 | DECEMBER
1 4 – 2 1 | 2 0 1 2
W W W. S A N TA B A R B A R A S E N T I N E L .CO M
It'sCrimetime...
...with the SBPD
A variety of crimes are committed every day in Santa Barbara; most of these crimes are petty but they do offer a window into if not the soul of the perpetrator, at least his or her thought process. Our following (and totally unsolicited) thoughts, observations, and comments are put forth for your consideration.
The Out-Of-Towners
Santa Barbara. Our very own idyllic little seaside community, mellow and happy and wonderful, right to its core. No problems, no worries, no hurries. Right on, man, right on. We commonly stroll slowly down State Street or East Beach or wherever in a state of blissed-out existentialism, pondering our beautiful architecture and aesthetic, basking in the sunshine that floods our streets and beaches, gazing from the mountains to the islands and back again. We cruise. We chill. At least until some damned out-of-towner harshes our collective mellow with some very un-Santa Barbara behavior. These people need to be taught a lesson. A lesson on how we Santa Barbara (as taught by Erin Graffy’s local best-seller, “How To Santa Barbara, The Advanced Course”) – and that’s slowly, man, peacefully. It’s a state of mind, not just a place. We don’t steal from or beat each other. We don’t urinate and vomit all over our streets. We don’t hassle each other, brothers and sisters, so mellow out and quit ruining the vibe we’ve created. Better yet, just bail. (Well, on second thought, we do like your tourist dollars – in fact, they pay for much of what we get to enjoy – so stick around. But be cool.)
L.A. Sucks, Man CRIME: Three men in their late thirties were spotted by an off-duty police officer in a parked car on the Eastside late one night last week “acting suspiciously.” When on-duty cops approached, the vehicle drove away but was eventually pulled over for a minor traffic violation. The car was filled with burglary tools, walkie-talkies, cocaine, methamphetamine… and a stolen catalytic converter. The three men were dressed all in black, and soon confessed that they had come to Santa Barbara to burglarize vehicles.
OBSERVATION: The three men were from Reseda and Van Nuys. (Enough said.) COMMENTS: Great. More LA people coming to town. And they’re not bringing movies and ostentatious displays of wealth. They’re bringing burglary tools and powdered narcotics. (By the way, why use coke and meth when thieving late at night? Aren’t both notorious for causing heightened paranoia? Makes no sense.)
Fresno Sucks, Man CRIME: A Fresno man was found “acting suspicious” on East Anapamu on Sunday morning
at 5:45 am. SBPD made contact and discovered two outstanding felony warrants from Fresno County. They also found a “large glass narcotic smoking pipe.”
OBSERVATION: The man later demanded that officers recover the backpack he left in some bushes across town. When they found it, they also found a digital scale, a bunch of weed, a bunch of pills and a bunch of empty plastic bindles. Not good for the…Fresnarian (?).
COMMENTS: Great. More people from Fresno are coming. And they’re not bringing wonderful
fresh Central Valley produce. They are bringing drugs. Bad drugs. For sale. (Come on, did you really need that filthy old backpack that bad? Bad enough to do significantly more time?)
Northern California Sucks, Man CRIME: A 22-year old Eureka woman was carried out of a local “club” by friends and was warned by SBPD to go home and sleep it off. She blew it, though, staggering around the street for a while, insisting she felt fine and refusing to just get in a cab and go home. She was eventually arrested. OBSERVATION: SBPD really tried to do the right thing here – but you know what they say. You can lead a drunken 22-year-old hipster chick to water but… COMMENT: Great. More Northern Californians are coming. And they’re not Marin County
hot-tubbers bringing peace and love (and preppy East Coast children who call their yuppie fathers “Papa.”) They are alcoholics drinking heavily in SB bringing pain and suffering to the local citizenry. (At least one of our editors actually lived in Marin for quite some time and feels comfortable with the foregoing generalization. And, having grown up in Northern California, he confirmed that drinking is actually a high school sport in many Norcal towns, and Santa Barbara – Isla Vista in particular – is often very attractive to young up-and-coming athletes.)
Canadians Suck, Man CRIME: A young Canadian woman challenged police repeatedly last weekend and couldn’t
follow simple instructions after being caught using a fake ID in an effort to enter a State Street bar. She was arrested.
OBSERVATION: If you get caught using a fake ID, be nice. Don’t fight the cops. They will win.
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Every time. Show some respect and deference and you just might keep yourself out of trouble.
COMMENT: Great. The Canadians are coming. And they’re not bringing fantastic healthcare
and socialism. They’re bringing drunken co-eds who can’t follow simple instructions. How will they ever fill out all the complicated forms for healthcare here in the US?
Transients Suck, Man CRIME: A 52-year-old “mansient” (Sentinel speak for male bum) was found “passed out in a puddle of his own urine” in front of a local business. His pants were around his thighs. (Nice.)
OBSERVATION: Breakfast anyone? We just love Steve’s Special. COMMENT: Great. More transients passed out in their own bodily fluids with their genitals exposed for all to see. (Hey kids, look, you’re better at dressing yourself and using the toilet than an adult! Now, ah, just step over him and let’s go eat.)
Ah, Well…We Suck Too, Man CRIME: A Santa Barbara woman called SBPD after her boyfriend picked up her prescription and kept it for himself. When the cops found the boyfriend, they also found a warrant for his arrest. In searching his vehicle incident to his arrest, they found lots of both “his and hers” personal property. She admitted to owning the meth pipe on the dashboard and was arrested. He admitted to owning the quarter-pound of marijuana and a wad of cash in the trunk, and was arrested. (Wait, isn’t California a community property state? Must’ve signed a pre-nup.) OBSERVATION: That’s what you get for having a girlfriend on pills (and weed and meth). COMMENT: Great. Everybody sucks, man. We knew it. We’re staying home. Forever. Be good to each other this week, folks, Christmas is coming.