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the curmudgeon Curmudgeon Meets the Black Weekend
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urmudgeon came in the general store on the Saturday afternoon of the Black Friday weekend. His hair was slightly mussed and his demeanor seemed to be even worse. “What’s happened to this country?” he asked of nobody in particular. “I sat down in front of the TV and saw people pulling guns on fellow folks in line, apparently for pushing. I saw crowds of folks streaming through store doors like running lines of carpenter ants after being disturbed in their nests. This cannot be real –” “Seems it is,” said Mrs. Storekeep, her feelings echoed by the smile on the Breadman’s face. “Well, I,” said Curmudgeon, “want to return to those golden days of yesteryear and in order to do so, I am going to relate some thoughts on vegetables, veggies being calm and beneficent things. “Did you know –,” he said, much in the manner of a kindergarten teaching extolling his or her pupils to get out his or her rug and settle down for story time.
SPECIAL EVENTS AT THE WEINHAUS Friday, December 14 Biltmore Winery Tour and Tasting. Join the Weinhaus as we tour the winery facilities at the Biltmore Estate with winemakers Bernard Delille and Sharon Fenchak. After the tour we will adjourn to Cedric’s Tavern Loft for a six course small plate dinner and wine pairing. This is a special opportunity to view the processes of a working winery in our own backyard. Time: 6 p.m. Place: Biltmore Winery. Price: $65. Please call the Weinhaus for reservations.
Friday, December 27 Friday Night Flights presents Bubbles for a New Year. Treat this evening as a warm up for the coming Monday night. Explore several different types of sparkling wines and decide which style you enjoy best. Cheers to the New Year. The wine will be accompanied by light hors d’ouvres. Time is 5:30-7:30 p.m. The price is $10. Held at The Weinhaus.
The Weinhaus, 86 Patton Avenue Asheville, NC (828) 254-6453
BY
PETER LOEWER
“– that instead of taking Illustration by Peter Loewer our lives in hand to shop for things we do not need, we could turn our thoughts to things past like all the good things that vegetable do? Vegetables, you know have their stories, too. And I always did wonder why nobody wrote classic poems dedicated to veggies? Why is there no “Ode to the Potato” or verses that celebrate Brussels Sprouts?” Stunned, the folks in the store were quiet as a room full of mice. “Concerning beans,” he said, “there’s a legend that tells of a bean travelling with a chunk of coal who became so bemused by that antics of the coal, that he split his pod-sides laughing and had to be sewn up by a tailor using black thread, hence the black spots on some beans. Pliny is reported to believe that anyone eating garlic could improve their powerful breath by chewing on a roasted beet, and in the Fifth Century Apuleius reported that beets were excellent in curing snake bite.” “Beets for snakebite?” asked the local Vet who was in the store for a few cans of catfood. “Yep,” said Curmudgeon, “and back in Europe, legend always said that babies were to be found in cabbage patches and the Egyptians actually built altars to honor the cabbage, not to mention that Gerarde, the vegetable writer of the Middle Ages wrote in his famous Herbal that cabbages give little nourishment and eating of the their leaves makes one gross and melancholy. “Carrots, for example, were often called Bird’s-nest or Bees’-nest, referring to the form of the seed head being drawn together,
Great values & styles FREE Wine Tastings on Saturdays from 2 to 5 p.m. Tasting wine is not only fun, but it presents a chance to learn about wine and what it is about a particular wine that you like, or don’t like. You can sip while you shop. Find some new favorites — try it before you buy it. We will usually have a few whites and a few reds open, with the occassional guest speaker. Please stop by!
Wine Retail
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Tastings ~ Wine Classes
Great wines for any occasion and budget.
28 December 2012 — RAPID RIVER ARTS & CULTURE MAGAZINE — Vol. 16, No. 4
Why is there no “Ode to the Potato?” much like the seed heads of Queen Anne’s lace — it, too, belonging to the carrot family. “As to leeks, they are dedicated to St. David, for on his day the Welsh wear leeks in their hats. Leeks are the national emblem of Wales and the notoriety of leeks got around because the Emperor Nero at them to improve his voice and Pliny relates that he ate leeks certain days of each month with nothing else, not even a bit of bread.” “I’m aghast,” said Mrs. Storekeep. “I, too,” said the Breadman. “And, I,” said the Vet. “It even applies to politicians,” continued Curmudgion. “Pliny, who was always into good government, told of a knight under Tiberius who was accused of misgovernment, and worrying about his life being painfully taken, drank large quantities of leek juice and died without any torment.” “Handy to know,” said the Vet. “And remember,” said Curmudgeon as he went out the door, “a roasted onion placed in the ear is said to be good for earaches, and the juice excellent in curing deafness.” Peter Loewer has written and illustrated more than twenty-five books on natural history over the past thirty years.
Harm for the Holidays MEMOIRS OF A HALLMARKED MAN
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ne man’s hilarious story of survival highlighting his family’s history of mishaps on the holidays, all holidays! From a Valentine’s Day massacre, to a harrowing Halloween, to a string of Christmas calamities, in this household, disaster never takes a day off. Written and performed by Tom Chalmers and directed by Josh Batenhorst. Part stand-up comedy, part one-man show, Harm for the Holidays is a funny, often heartfelt, occasionally gross, gift to all those who enjoy a good story about things gone bad. IF YOU Harm for the Holidays, GO Thursday, December 13 at 8
www.theAshevilleWineGuy.com 555 Merrimon Ave. (828) 254-6500
p.m., and Friday, December 14 at 8 and 10 p.m. Tickets $15. Altamont, 18 Church Street in Asheville. For more information visit www.myaltamont.com.