Why My Daughters are Not My Friends Yes, I love my girls and think they’re terrific, but our relationship is built on me as mentor and grounding force as opposed to peer.
I
have two daughters, 15, and 18, and though I love them both dearly, neither one of them is my friend. Nor do I want them to be. They are my kids. I am their authoritarian/the-buck-stops-here mother. Do I hope one day in the future they will speak to me without stretching “Mom” into three l-o-n-g syllables and stop rolling their eyes at how “embarrassing” I am? Yes. Would I like to be seen as “cooler” in their eyes, especially when I wear a particularly trendy outfit that I think makes me look ten years younger than I am? Yes again. But do I want to be their gal pal? No thank you. I believe in the power -- and delineation – of friends. It’s the kid’s job to find friends. It’s the mom’s job to be a parent. Keeping this hierarchy properly aligned is important for the family unit, plus serves us well when remembering who’s boss.. According to Marriage and Family Therapist Emma Viglucci, children need structure for emotional safety and appropriate development: Being their BFF makes it all just too confusing. Least you think I’m sounding very June Cleaver-ish, listen to these thoughts from Julie Hanks, a Psychotherapist and Director of Wasatch Family Therapy in Salt Lake City, UT, who agrees with me that being your daughters’ best friend is a bad idea. Some of the reasons: ● Daughters tend to feel responsible for their mother’s emotional needs and often sacrifice their own development as a result of pleasing mom. ● Mothers often wield too much control in the daughter’s life which can shut down a girl’s self-expression. ● Moms hyper-focus on their daughter’s life instead of developing her own. And I could go on, especially because I have friends who, with kids as young as five and eight are calling their children their best friends. Hello???? Am I the only one seeing a problem here? The bottom line: Kid—and girls in particular —need the safety, guidance and role model of an older female figure in a Mom.
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A Role Mommy Magazine l Spring 2011
They need moms to guide them, set boundaries, give advice (when asked) and be in the background for support. That’s not to say I’m stuck in a time warp. While my mother’s generation rarely shared personal experiences or problems – and it took my parent’s divorce for my mom to be more open with my sister and I (which we loved but we were in our 20s), I’m believe in balance, meaning I share age-appropriate truths with my girls. At one point, yes, my relationships with my daughters will change. And since I’m in the challenging teen years, I’m hoping that will be for the better. I am not, however, holding my breath for any “thank you’s” until well past when they have kids of their own. So while I’m hopeful all I’ve done and continue to do will influence their lives, I also hope they’ll lean on their friends for support. Let their gal pals be the ones they talk to about boys, outfits, school stress and how annoying I can be. After all, it’s why I have my girlfriends -- to talk about husbands, shifting body parts, office politics and how annoying my kids can be. Alex Allred of Dallas, TX summed it up best when she told me this about her two daughters: “I’m not their best friend. They have plenty of those. I am much, much better. I’m their mom.” ■