betweenus By Eric Ruhalter
Summertime and the Livin’s Easy (Just like Spring, Fall and Winter if you’re a Kid)
Kids count down to summer vacation, often starting as early as September. They can’t wait for the day when there’s no more school, no more homework, no more projects, no more teachers. Finally, that long-anticipated last day of school arrives and, Lo and behold, – They’re bored. Kids knock school all the time. It’s something they’re compelled to do because their parents tell them that it’s good for them. The same reason they shun a healthy diet, getting the proper amount of sleep and maintaining good dental hygiene. But truth is that school isn’t so bad. They have recess and gym class and lunch time where they can barter for snacks so nutirition-less that they can’t be found even in the deepest recesses of the food pyramid. It’s not such a bad place. They play games, do art projects and are all day shoulder to shoulder with their smiling, fellow school-hating peers. So, what I suggest is that this summer -- until the dreaded return of school -- make sure they have the most unpleasant summer imaginable. Hire a nanny. One who’s not very nice. Perhaps a frustrated retiree from the armed forces. A real drill sergeant type who misses beating down the spirits of young recruits who’s starting to show signs of dementia. Let the kids wake up before the sun, run, march, stand at attention, dig latrines and eat powdered foods with no tasty high fructose corn syrup. They can scrub toilets with a toothbrush and endure frequent tongue-lashings fierce enough to bring a badass with tattoos on his neck to tears. We’ll see how bored they are then. And, come September, we’ll see just how much they hate school
KidDictionary Word:
THE (d.a.)D-LIST OF
SUMMER SCHOOL CLASSES PARENTS WISH THEY COULD ENROLL THEIR BABIES AND TODDLERS IN ● Remedial Physics: You Can’t Pick Up That Book. You’re Standing On It! ● Potty Training I & II ● Ears: Those things on each side of your head. An Introduction To Listening ● Logic 105: When You Throw Mommy’s Car Keys in the Trash Can You can’t Go To The Park ● That’s Not Food! A Survey of Things You Shouldn’t Put in Your Mouth ● Foul Language 101: Things Daddy Says When He Hurts Himself, But You Shouldn’t
STAYHOMOPHOBIA (stay-HO-muh-fo-beeuh) n.: Fear of having your kids home for the entirety of Spring Break Week or all summer.
● Behavioral Compliance: Mom Says. You Do. ● Booger Harvesting: Yes, You Need A Tissue ● English as a First Language: Using Your Words ● Intro to Journalism: Go Ask Your Father
Eric Ruhalter
TheKidDictionary.com Eric Ruhalter studied economics at Dickinson College, in Carlisle PA, where he learned, first and foremost, that he’s not the least bit interested in the theories and principles of economics. So rather than study, he began spending most of his time writing. Don’t tell his father. He works in television in New York City, and resides in New Jersey with his wife, Kara, three children, and their two cats who will not stay off the dining room table no matter what Eric says or does to them. (Eric often speaks in the third person with hopes that it will make him seem more important.) projectyou
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