MAAKIES // TONY MILLIONAIRE
Tony Millionaire’s work is published by Dark Horse Comics and online at maakies.com
Ryan North has daily comics available at qwantz.com
DINOSAUR COMICS // RYAN NORTH ILLUSTRATION BY KALAH ALLEN
WEDDING HELLS Fuck you. I had to drive for 45 minutes to the middle of fucking nowhere to bartend your ugly wedding. I had to endure the onslaught of ugly, tanned women in Mariposa dresses and douche-y men in aviators 50 minutes earlier than planned; I opened 20 bottles of wine in five minutes because for some reason you thought changing the itinerary of your “special day” would be totally okay with the staff working. I had to listen to your bridesmaids and groomsmen tell me, “I’M IN THE WEDDING PARTY, I DON’T NEED TO SHOW I.D.”−to which I had to tell them, over and fucking over again, “Yes, you do, sorry,” like I was a CD on fucking repeat. I bartended shitty beer from a keg for four hours nonstop with nothing but terrible hiphop remixes blared from some cunt with a flat-billed baseball cap on the decks. I don’t care if the groom toured with Slipknot with his second-rate band; I don’t care if the bride looked like Sammi “Sweetheart” from Jersey Shore; fuck you, because my other bartender and I only made $14 each that night. I hope your divorce is lengthy and expensive because your wedding was quite possibly the worst night of my life. Fuck you.—Anonymous Submit your unsigned confessions and accusations of 300 words or less, changing the names of the innocent and guilty, to “I, Anonymous,” at anonymous@portlandmercury.com, or on the new I, Anonymous blog at portlandmercury.com. UNDERWORLD // KAZ
IDIOT BOX // MATT BORS
Kaz's work is published by Fantagraphics; view his work at kazunderworld.com
Submit your photos & art online at flickr.com/groups/portlandmercury
Matt Bors is a Portland-based political cartoonist; view his work at mattbors.com
Thea Stamatelos
Skot Coatsworth
August 16, 2012 Portland Mercury 43