The Lowdown Times by pahnl

LOWDOWN TIMES THE

Thursday 6th June 2013

The low down on Lowdown

KNAB ROBBERS STILL ON THE RUN The five men who stormed Knab Bank yesterday, that some are now calling (from left-to-right) the Texan, the Limpy Tiger, the Farmer Brown, the Tartan Check and the Blue Thumbprint, are wanted for questioning.

PAINTINGS? WHAT PAINTINGS? Harry Penter In a bid to do something different with his debut show, Oxford based artist Pahnl will spend four days locked inside London West Bank gallery with a suitcase full of stencils and plenty of spray paint to bring a sprawling stenciled city to life across 40 metres of wall on the ground floor. Titled ‘Do Look Down’, Pahnl is best known for painting little figures and animals, which take stylistic inspiration from road signage, on and off the street in cheeky scenes. The show will encourage visitors to explore the painted city for themselves, where

Police measure the crime scene in, what can only be described as, centimetres.

buildings rise up toward the ceiling and inhabitants go about their tiny lives unaware of the viewer looking down at them. To bring the painted city to life, Pahnl has also created his own newspaper from scratch, which will feature stories and articles based on the happenings of the city, which will be freely available at the show. Visitors who want to buy a part of the painted city for themselves are invited to choose their favourite scene using a frame and holding it up to the wall to make their selection, which Pahnl will then paint after the show. Story continued on Page 6...

the men were “no more than four minutes”, whilst another man said the colourful crew were there for “six-ish” minutes, so only time will tell how long the men were inside the bank for. Despite bank staff hitting the silent alarm as soon as they saw the suspects entering the bank’s foyer “in a kind of Reservoir Dogs slow motion style, you know, like at the start but after they’ve all had a chat around that table”, as one meandering cashier described the moment, a policeman did not arrive onto the scene until 12:55pm. The attending officer, PC Lowe, soon called for backup when he saw

something was ‘amiss’, as shocked customers exited the bank and shouted at him that the bank had been robbed. An armed response unit finally cordoned the bank off at 1:12pm, as the hunt for the five suspects got under way. With reports that three of the suspects ran off towards the trainyard, whilst the other two literally ran for the hills, the search ground to a temporary halt as 13 officers on the scene debated how many of them should ‘go left’ and ‘go right’. PC Lowe, full name Simon Lowe, explained that “13 just does not divide by 5 very easily”. Story continued on Page 5...

Man paints inside of gallery, inexplicably appears on front page of a newspaper.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?

SO WHY THE LONG TASTE?

YOU’VE GOT TO BE KITTEN ME

THE BARK WORSE THAN THE BITE

LOWDOWN CITY, NOT UNITED

Local authorities appeal for yellow graffiti information.

Is Market Super still serving us horse meat on the sly?

Reckless game has kids tying balloons to cats ‘for a laugh’.

Activists protest and block forest developers.

Local derby causes rifts and havoc in the city once again.

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Robert Banks In a daring, almost admirable, armed robbery, five unidentified men stormed Knab Bank yesterday at 12:32pm, taking £90 million with them. The robbers caught bank security guards by surprise and stunned them with debonair charm, along with the hard end of a baseball bat. Reports from witnesses state that the robbery took no longer than five minutes, although this clashes with statements made by others that said

The Lowdown Times

Thursday 6th June 2013

WE WILL FIND YOU AND WE WILL BILL YOU

Paint, paint everywhere but not a vandal to cuff, the County Council are ramping up efforts to catch the infamous ‘happy face’ vandal. Kam Yung Mahn Lowdown County Council recently issued a public appeal for information leading to the arrest of the yellow ‘happy face’ vandal who has been daubing his symbol across the city. With opinions divided, I wanted to find out more about this man, his work and his motives. Out on the street, it wasn’t long before I came across one of the round yellow faces, with it’s black D shaped mouth grinning up at me. As I walked on, I soon happened across another one of the happy faces, although this time it was a sticker. Visibly picked at from the edges, I began to wonder if the fingers that had unsuccessfully gnawed at this cheerful circle had done so in an attempt to clear the sticker off the street or was it an attempt to take it home, to keep and cherish, like some pale pebble found on the beach that bears an uncanny resemblance to Rowan Atkinson? As I contemplated the history of the little chap in front of me, a passerby who was just passing by to buy a bus pass asked if I was the one painting and sticking these faces up? I replied ‘no’ and asked what his thoughts on it all were? “Well, it’s better than dog shite or them there nudey cards you get in phoneboxes, so I don’t mind...actually, those nudey cards are alright but I’m not a fan of the smell

inside the boxes...sorry, what was the question?” were the confused words that returned to me before he carried on his way. Although the imagery wasn’t the prettiest of things, I was starting to think the man had the right sentiment. Why was the council singling out this one thing when there’s plenty more offensive things on the street to deal with? Maybe the mobile phone revolution wouldn’t have taken off so quickly if our phonebooths were more usable. But I digress, I’m not sure I see the harm in this cheery little face around the city. This face, unlike so many others we’re bombarded with on a daily basis, isn’t trying to make me feel inadequate and sell me a product. I see another painted face, a visibly older one, as it peels off the surface of the electric box like an onion left in front of a hairdryer for too long. Its worn face looks up at me, distorted and faded but true to its past. Is this the face of what we should become, what we should strive for? Do we shun a better life for ourselves when we disregard this carefree face? Is this vandal showing us that, as humans, we’re too scared of change, even when it’s for the better? Or maybe it’s just some kid with a can of paint... Is ‘vandal’ even the correct term for this mysterious figure? Maybe I should call them a ‘graffiti artist’ or a ‘street artist’ or something equally urban with ‘artist’ appended to it. I suppose I like

this stuff but I disagree with pointless tagging; I don’t see the art there but where do you draw the line? If you asked a tagger, he’d probably shrug and spray a massive red line between you and himself, painting over the tips of your shoes in the process, as you stand there feeling dumbfounded and distinctly ‘older’ than before. And what of the grey marks that the

about his work and the ‘happy face’ concrete artist who has been blighting Mr Rollson’s dreams and this city in equal measure... Thank you for joining me Mr Rollson, how would describe your job? I mostly paint over graffiti and catch the perpetrators. What are your thoughts on graffiti? It’s bad. Do you enjoy your job? Yes. Do you think it’s odd your job is to paint over someone else’s painting? Not really.

NO POWER TO

THE PEOPLE Al Lautrec

Residents of Red End flats have been without electric power since yesterday morning, as engineers begin to fix the power lines at the city limits that were somehow damaged in the night. It is reported that no one was hurt in the incident, although one mediumrare pigeon was found at the scene upon arrival.

Have you ever seen yourself as a metropolis artist, especially considering the amount of your ‘work’ one might see around the city? A what?

Mr Rollson, professional ‘buffer’. vandal squad leave behind. Is there any more art to their cover-up jobs, their so called ‘buffs’, than the scrambled and scrawled tags of taggers or wall artists? The next day I sat down with Tom Rollson, head of the Lowdown County Council’s vandalism squad, to talk

An exterior-inclined artist. I don‘t know. You are clearly a man of many words. No I’m not. Thank you for your time. Mhmm. Call 01276 601170 with any info you may have about vandalism and receive a £10 Amazon gift voucher.

Knowledge is power, electricity kills.

IS THERE HORSE IN YOUR CART? Tess A. Co Despite the furore that began on the 15th January earlier this year, which only grew in the many weeks that

followed, is Market Super still serving us horsemeat on the sly? The Lowdown Times decided to hold their own tests on a range of Market Super products available from

Market Super is also suspiciously branching out into betting and own brand glue.

shelves. The results may shock you... For the sake of a fair test, we hired a white man, a black man, a black woman and a lesbian Chinese cross-dresser in a wheelchair to put Market Super’s food through its paces. First we plated up the ‘Market Super Economy Value Everyday Basic Sausages (pack of 6)’, cost 36p. With absolutely no biased questioning, we asked the participants to describe how much horse they could taste. All four pariticipants stated that they could taste at least 35% horse, with one participant saying “I can already feel the horse in this banger” as the plate was placed in front of them. Next up, at the other end of the price range, were the ‘Finest Special Classy Free Chandelier Beef Patties (pack of 2)’, cost £11.99. Asked the same

question again, three out of the four participants believed there was at least 52% horse content in the beef burgers, with one of the three participants stating “I could’ve sworn I heard it whinny when I stuck my fork into it”. The fourth participant was unavailable for this second test as they were late for an appointment at the garage and wheeled herself off. We put our findings to Market Super and we received this written statement: Dear Ms Co, Thank you for your concern but we assure all Market Super customers that none of the products we stock contain equine matter and are doing all we can to keep our supply chain secure, stable and on the right track.

This excludes one incident where a batch of beef burgers were accidentally massaged against some parts of a consenting pony, which have since been recalled. Furthermore, we believe your so called ‘tests’ are nothing more than acts of callous publicity to sell more newspapers. Please do not contact us again. Regards, Sven Svensson I’m not saying Market Super have horsemeat in their products but I’m not saying Market Super don’t have horsemeat in their products either...

Thursday 6th June 2013

The Lowdown Times

HOUSTON, WE HAVE CATS Ian Flate When pigs fly? Forget about that, how about cats?! That’s what some residents of Lowdown city have seen floating through the sky, chasing frightened pigeons, in what now appears to be the latest trend amongst kids these days. It’s called ‘cat ballooning’, also known as ‘sky kitties’, ‘easyMeow’, ‘floaty felines’ or ‘helium pussies’ to list but a few names. But what exactly is this dangerous new game? One cat ballooner, under the agreement he remain anonymous for fear of purrsecution, explained to us how it’s done. It first involves getting a number of balloons, often stolen from street vendors, which are then tied to the cat in a quiet place. The cats are strapped into a harness to prevent any discomfort around which the balloons are secured. Our informant told us that

the number of required balloons can vary but said that it was “a lot less than you’d expect”. After that, it’s a case of letting them go. Are the cats not traumatized by the ordeal, we ask? Apparently not. “Initially, at least, the cats we’ve flown have seemed indifferent to what we were doing, as cats usually are about everything, but once they understand what we’re doing, they somehow look really eager for it. Once they’re in the air, they just start chasing the nearest bird they see, it’s funny as hell”. Despite these assurances, public opinion has been predominately negative about this so called ‘game’. The RSPCA has issued a damning statement, asking for “the media not to explain how the practice is done and for all copycat cat ballooners to stop immediately”. One elderly resident of Red End flats told us “in my day we played with a stick and a hoop, and you were lucky

CHIP OFF THE VERY OL’ BLOCK

if you even had a hoop”. However another resident, thought to be a failed poet, said he saw one "cat continued to chase the birds higher into the midnight sky, meowing and pawing hopefully into the crisp air...the birds continued to fly onwards, whilst the pioneering cat floated higher and higher up, with the sky played host to yet another dream". In related news, the annual Pigeon Racer’s Championships, which was held in Slovakia last year, has been cancelled in England for fear of the athletes being eaten.

CAR TAX

FRAUD Karl Rover

The County Council has released figures that show only a fraction of the city’s residents have paid for their car tax disc this year. Rates for cars with engines of under 1549CC have gone up to £140pa, £225pa for engines over 1549CC and cars with three wheels or less now cost £95pa. Further investigation reveals the only vehicles that have paid tax are

The distant sound of lofty meow’ing is a telltale sign that helium pussies are near.

‘Cod In The Act’ is the favourite haunt of hungry people, drunks and pigeons. Vin Edgar Charlie wraps up the order and slides it across the counter to me. I look down, seeing that my portion has been wrapped up in an old copy of the Lowdown Times, and chuckle. Charlie squints down and lets out laugh and exclaims “don’t worry, I don’t just use your paper as chip wrapper, I do read it sometimes!”. Charlie is the husky owner of Cod In The Act, the city’s best chip shop, which celebrates it’s 50th year of business. Having opened in 1963, Charlie says that he hasn’t taken a single day off; not for his honeymoon or even for

the birth of his two children, although when questioned further, Charlie admits he took the evening off when ‘the boys’ won the World Cup in 1966 because he felt a little emotional. When Neil Armstrong landed on the moon, the shop decided to include balls of cheese with every order until Armstrong returned to Earth. Whereas the fall of the Berlin wall gave Charlie the idea to swap out the shop’s usual sausages with bratwurst in a show of solidarity with the lovely people of Germany. When I asked Charlie where he saw the chip shop in another 50 years, he simply replied “here”. I doubt it. He’s already 74.

Builders not brickin’ it over tax probe. construction vehicles, like forklift trucks and steamrollers. A DVLA representative has been quoted as saying "I don't know what's going on but either people are not paying for their vehicles or suddenly everyone has started walking and taking the underground; you tell me which is more likely?”. The DVLA is now forming a team to go outside and tally how many cars they see and what colour they are.

So hungry you could eat a horse?

TODAY’S WEATHER

We’ve got you covered.

MARKET SUPER

GLUTTONS FOR NOURISHMENT

DAYLIGHT 4

The Lowdown Times

Thursday 6th June 2013

FIVE BALACLAVA CLAD MEN, WHO STORMED KNAB BANK, STILL ON

Robert Banks (continued from the front page) The five men were dressed in unique balaclavas designs, which have in turn spawned titles by some of those in the media...primarily, us. ‘The Texan’ can be seen wearing a balaclava based on the confederate flag, complete with stars and a patriot blue bobble. Armed with a baseball bat, the Texan appears to be the leader of the gang due to, what police are describing, “a certain swagger”. ‘The Limpy Tiger’ is sporting, you guessed it, a tiger print balaclava and appeared to have a distinct limp as he fled Knab Bank. The Limpy Tiger can be seen wielding an AKM assault rifle. Witness were adamant the Limpy Tiger was wielding an AK-47 rifle but police weapons experts have assured cocky witnesses that, despite their years of watching action films and playing computer games, they are wrong. Wearing a two-tone balaclava made out of burlap sack, ‘The Farmer Brown’ made his way into the bank with a stumpier sawn-off shotgun, clearly playing up to the character of

(from left-to-right) the Texan, the Limpy Tiger, the Farmer Brown, the Tartan Check and the Blue Thumbprint are now filthy bloody rich and we say good on ‘em. his disguise. Police are currently investigating all criminals who own a farm for leads. With a decidedly more low-tech, brute force weapon, ‘The Tartan Check’ can be seen waltzing into the bank with a sledgehammer. It is not believe this suspect is an actual Scottish national as he was not wearing a kilt, say police analysts. Lastly and leastly we have ‘The Blue Thumbprint’, seemingly the most boring of the group with just an unidentified pistol. After the crew had their escape, customers remarked that if there had been a getaway car

involved, the Blue Thumbprint would have been the driver, however it did turn out he had shot the window and also injured one man that apparently "had it coming to him because he had the face for it", recalls the victim, so he earns himself a few points there. In addition to £90 million stolen in cash, the robbers also made off with a variety of Knab branded pens, the alternative ending to Titanic where the ship sinks the notorious iceberg, which was taken from a safe deposit box and the world’s oldest living tamogotchi, at the ripe old age of a staggering 28 hours.

STYLE CORNER Luciano Cabanara Bolagnesi Pavorotti Biscotti, Fashion Editor If you ask me, there were two crimes committed yesterday afternoon. One was the theft of £90 million by five men and the second crime were those ghastly things they decided to wear on their heads.

I mean, I don’t believe I’ve seen a tiger print anything since the summer of 1986, tartan shouldn’t cross the border and just because you’re wearing five stars on your face doesn’t make you one, honey. If I had any sartorial advice for those men, I say take some of that £90 million to get yourself a wardrobe that confidently whispers ‘class’, rather than something that’s more at home under the Christmas tree.

ROBBERY Thursday 6th June 2013

The Lowdown Times

THE RUN WITH OVER £90 MILLION AS SLOW POLICE BROADEN SEARCH

The motives of the handsome crew are unclear. Whilst some speculate the robbery was a stunt to draw attention to the shady dealings of Knab Bank and others believe there were anarchic motivations, the overall consensus is that the men like money. With a heist of this magnitude, from an established bank at that, many had thought it was an inside job. The police has managed to interview all of its 47 employees using a polygraph test since yesterday afternoon and investigators have managed to rule out the possibility of any foul play. However during the course of the interviews, it was discovered one employee touches his cat inapropriately and another employee has been stealing paperclips from the bank for well over a decade. When Winston Knab, owner of Knab Bank, was questioned about the robbery, Knab was heard to have uttered "Well, it's not my money! Mine’s in Switzerland with all the chocolate knives, so frankly my dear, I don't give a damn". CCTV cameras located inside the bank were swiftly redirected away from the main action as members of the gang stared the cameras down for

CRIMINAL MINDS Fred Young, In-house Psychologist As someone who has never met these men, doesn’t know their background histories and only has 60% of his Psychology degree from the Open University, I feel I am in the perfect position to provide expert insight into their motives and how their minds work. I skimmed through the footage from the external CCTV cameras and came to the conclusion that whilst some of these men are in love with their mothers, it is the respect of the fathers they are searching for. This has nothing to do with each crew member earning £18 million whatsoever and is a cry for attention and approval from their fathers that they no doubt lacked in their formative years. Alternatively, this bank robbery is an act of rebellion against their fathers and the system. It’s one or the other, I don’t know.

an uncomfortable length of time, forcing the English-made cameras to look elsewhere. Fortunately four exterior CCTV cameras captured the men on film, as well as a few members of the public, although their photos were passed through an ‘Instagram’ filter and police refuse to use them as evidence out of disgust. Police have formed a cordon around the bank and local area, in an attempt to catch any of the suspects still in the vicinity but the police’s lockdown has been described by one ex-police sergeant as ‘effective as a bunch of toddlers holding hands’. The crime scene forensics team have also conducted a number of sweeps through the bank, discovering a bunch of pubic hairs, a range of clothing fibres and “somewhat more semen than you would expect to find at the scene of a bank robbery”. Police have also begun searching Facebook for public statuses that may be bragging about a bank robbery, as “you’d be surprised how often that sort of thing happens”. In an unbelievable twist an off duty officer, PC Monneli was one of the people trapped inside the bank but

didn't intervene as he thought it was a piece of public performance art as "their costumes were just so jazzy, I loved it but in hindsight, yes, they were actual bank robbers". In his defence, Monneli states that “unlike American cops, whether we’re on or off duty, we don’t carry guns... all I had on me at the time was a mini bike pump, £1.27 in loose change and a pack of expired condoms. Even McGyver would struggle with fending off five armed bank robbers with that”. So with all five members of the crew still on the run, the police strive to make up for lost time as they envelope the city, whilst members of the public are enraptured by this story taken straight out of a Guy Ritchie film. One young man, who had been at the bank to pay a cheque in, admitted that he didn’t “blame these guys for having a pop, I think I would as well if I could convince my mates to have a go but we have enough trouble organizing a night out, so why bother?”. If you spot any of these men around Lowdown, call 999 immediately. They are armed and dangerous, do not approach them for an autograph, a quick photo or to ‘borrow a tenner’.

TOP THREE

ROBBERIES GONE

WRONG

1. Snutch McGee's smash and grab

heist of the Colonel's valuable secret blend of herbs and spices failed miserably when McGee made off with Lady Colonel's bowl of potpourri.

Joe Mackel held up a Norwich blood bank in 1987 but Mackel was soon caught by authorities when he tried to pay for a yacht with a pint of O negative.

Faust Ashworth's audacious plan to steal the entire contents of a touring exhibition of diamonds, worth a total £14 million, was perfect and Ashworth was never convicted of the theft whilst he was alive. However, after Ashworth’s death, memoirs revealed the whole operation had cost £14.2 million in equipment and personal training.

The Lowdown Times

Thursday 6th June 2013

DO LOOK DOWN WE TALK WITH CHEEKY ARTIST PAHNL ABOUT STENCILS, MEMORY AND TOY SOLDIERS AHEAD OF HIS DEBUT SOLO EXHIBITION AT NOTTING HILL’S LONDON WEST BANK What’s your name? Pahnl.

freehanding it all in but I like the fact they’re tiny.

How do you pronounce that? The same way you’d say the word ‘panel’.

Yeah, why is everything always so small in your work? I always enjoyed playing with action figures and little toy soldiers in the garden when I was a kid, so maybe it comes from that.

And why call yourself that? I like comics and I sometimes see spaces in the street as panels to drop my characters into. So when’s the last time you got something up? I’m putting stickers up all the time, which is my main medium now but I’ve been focusing on this solo show since the start of the year.

Maybe I have a god complex, haha, but I just really enjoy bringing this miniature world to life. From a practical perspective, working at a relatively small scale means my stencils and stickers are easier to transport. Access is a virtue.

Selling out then? Eh, it’s a progression. It’s my first solo show and I’m giving it all I got. I’m itching to get back outside and have some fun.

What have you found the most difficult in realizing the show? Juggling all the different aspects of it like an octopus given thirty balls to juggle for six months.

There’s no contest between ‘on street’ and ‘off street’ work. The city always wins. But right now, in this moment, the show takes priority.

I mean, I designed the flyer, wrote the press release, created a short announcement video, produced an entire newspaper, promoting the show, organizing all the finanaces, organizing a new print edition or just the logistics of getting all the work from where I live in Oxford to the gallery in London is a hassle.

Tell me about the show‘s concept... I’m painting a city, which’ll be filled with my little characters and buildings, directly onto the walls of the gallery. The city will be called ‘Lowdown’. There’s other work on the first floor but the ground floor is the real focus of the show. Why? I remember reading in one book that gallery walls were white because they aim to immortalize their art, to make it untouchable. But when it comes to street art, you don’t get that permanence. It’s transient, ephemereal. I’m not saying this is a ‘street art show’ because it‘s not. It’s not on the street. I just wanted to do my best to recreate that sense of discovering something for yourself, rather than explicitly giving it to you on a canvas. I’ve always strived to make my street work acknowledge and interact with its environment and the space inside the gallery was just too interesting to not make direct use of. Does that mean people can touch Lowdown? As long as your fingers aren’t dirty, you’re welcome to have a little poke. I guess you’re painting the city with stencils? Just maybe, haha. What is it that draws you to stencils? Stencils are this thing I can spend ages designing and tinkering with on the computer and then I’m left to enjoy the visceral act of just spraying the piece. I love how pure that moment can be. I also just love a good, clean line. If my characters were larger, I might be

That’s before I’ve even gotten onto drawing the 40 metre long painted city, then printing it, cutting each and every stencil by hand and then having to paint all of it onto the gallery walls only four days before the show opens, as well as hanging the work on the first floor and documenting the process through film the whole time. It’s a nightmare that I will look back upon and chuckle at. It feels good to be alive. One man army, eh? Don’t get me wrong, I love a bit of collaboration, but I like the absolute control and the fact I don’t have to rely on anyone else’s availability. And what has it been like to create an entire city from scratch? It’s not like I was starting from day zero. I’ve been painting these figures for over six years now (and generally stenciling for over a decade), so I’ve a vast library to call on. What that means is that I’ve a slew of things that I’ve already spent a lot of time on. Things that were the focal point of a canvas or street piece, like a garbage can or a power line. If I was drawing a power line for the first time for the sake of this painted city, I don’t think I’d have spent as much time on it, recognizing it as a very small element of a much larger scene. Okay but how long can you really spend on a power line? Ages! Keeping things simple, clear, understandable and, not least of all, stencilable is a tricky thing.

I’m often painting things with just one or two stencil layers to them. Minimalism, especially when my figures are rarely taller than 10cm, is a beautiful challenge. But on the whole, creating the city was easy with a back catalogue of objects and figures? You just copy and paste stuff around the place and you’re done! Go on, give it up, it’s not actually difficult. At times, I wished it was as easy as that but no, I’ve done my best to make every scene unique. I don’t think I’ve repeated many things. At most, it’s a few birds and bins that repeat around the place. And the buildings were something I had never previously tackled in my work. Figures were either on the street, where the structures were already provided, or the studio work had my characters on abstract backgrounds. I must’ve spent a good month trying to work out how to paint the buildings so that they wouldn’t look out of place in the world I had already created, whilst allowing me enough room to play around inside them and have my characters interact with. This newspaper you’re making, does it have a Page 3 girl? No. Shame. Well tell me more about it anyway... Every town or city has its own newspaper, so I thought I’d make one for Lowdown. The paper (this paper you’re reading) is full of articles relating to scenes going on in the painted city. It really adds another layer to the show. And tying into the idea of transience, the paper is another perfect medium to reinforce that idea. Unlike books, newspapers are pretty disposable and get used to wrap delicate things when you move, to line the cat’s litterbox or just to cover a nice table when a kid is messing around with paints, haha. So just like the painted city, which will only be available to see for a week whilst the show is open, the paper is a throwaway thing too. And it’s a great way to take the piss out of the media. I spent about two weeks on the newspaper, laying it out, writing it (there’s over 10,000 words) but I think it looks and feels like the real thing. I don’t like to do things by halves. It’s also a great way to interview yourself and ask the questions you want to answer. Yes. Yes, it is. So what if someone wants to buy a scene from Lowdown? There’s a bunch of frames on hand for

visitors to use and choose their favourite scene with. Once they’ve picked a scene, I paint it for them on canvas after the show ends. I like the idea of all these frames stuck around the city, showing what parts meant the most to people. I think it adds an interesting layer of interactivity to the show. It’s a little like when people cut Banksy works out of the wall. Yeah, somewhat. Although I don’t think the gallery would be happy about me cutting chunks of the wall out to give to collectors. I prefer to think of it as a physical representation of memory. We remember the moments we enjoy, those are the things that stick with us. If someone likes a scene from the painted city, they can get it painted on a canvas and it’ll sit on their wall long after the city has disappeared

and been painted over. Only people who have physically visited the show and experienced the painted city can walk away with a part of it. I absolutely love that as a metaphor for memory. Do you think people will actually go for it though? I honestly don’t have a clue and right now I’m just more concerned about getting the city painted onto the gallery walls within the space of four days...there’s a lot of fiddly detail. If people go for the frame thing, brilliant. If people don’t, they can still enjoy the painted city, the newspaper and even all of the stencils used to paint Lowdown will be on display. The physical stencils are on show? Yeah, I wanted to show the skill and

Thursday 6th June 2013

The Lowdown Times

7 effort that goes into the work. It can be easy all too easy to overlook the craft, especially when my work is so geometric and deceptively simple.

that since my aesthetic came from street signage graphics, I return to that and incorporate a bit of that into the show.

All the stencils used to paint Lowdown will be stapled to the walls for everyone to see. I always think it’s a shame when you don’t get to see a stencil artists actual stencils at these shows.

As well as the existing road signs, I’m getting some aluminium circles cut, which I’ll then turn into my own ‘prohibition’ signs. You know, the red circle and diagonal line going through something like a cigarette or a pooch. I want to create a series of those in my own style.

You might see the odd photo of a work in progress painting on Twitter or Facebook now and again but that’s all it ever is. The stencils are an art unto themselves and it’d be a shame to hide them. Even the work on the first floor will be accompanied by the stencils used to paint them, so this a pretty big part of the show too. Mind you, the physical stencils aren’t for sale and if you steal them, I will batter you. So what’s on the first floor? It’s range of things, some of it old and some of it new. There’s a body of work that sees me painting on genuine road signs, like a massive round ‘No Entry’ symbol or a diversion sign, and I integrate my characters into those. I’ve obviously done a bit of that on the street but this is an opportunity to take my time on them. It feels right

At this moment in time it’s unclear how much of this I’ll be able to get done, the painted city is the priority, so we’ll see... I’m guessing that’s the ‘new’ work, what’s the ‘old’? There’s some existing prints there and some of my larger work on show, like the riot scene ‘And I’m Not Going To Take This Anymore’ and a one-off colourway of ‘It Started As A Joke’ where everyone is throwing paint. All the light stencils used in the filming of ‘Nowhere Near Here’ will be on display too. Furthermore, the vinyl version of my ‘Chasing Bones’ dog will be around somewhere. ‘Do Look Down’ is basically a comprehensive look at where I am right now as an artist. And where would you say that is? I‘d say it’s the beginning of the middle...the long middle bit in an artist’s career. As an artist, at least speaking personally, you're constantly trying to learn what comes naturally to you and your work. The closer you get to the things that come naturally, the closer you are to that truth about yourself, that sincerity. What’s the overriding message you would like visitors to come away with from your show? I want them to come away from the show feeling as if they spotted something that no one else saw. I want them to leave happier than when they went in and, preferably, with a piece of mine so I can continue doing what I do. And in twelve months time, where do you see yourself? In the same position I am right now. Sweating over every detail of a second show and wondering whether I have enough time to do what I have planned across a multitude of sticky notes and text files. However after ‘Do Look Down’, I am definitely taking some time out to just paint outside, especially abroad. It will be interesting to see how that aspect of my work has changed after the onslaught of creating this show. Well good luck with blowing paint through sheets of plastic with holes in it and thank you for your time. Cheers. Do Look Down is street artist Pahnl’s (www.pahnl.co.uk) debut solo show at London West Bank Gallery (www.londonwestbank.com) and is open from Thursday 6th June to Wednesday 12th June.

Photo by Zoe McCourt

Immerse yourself in the tiny, detailed world of Pahnl, with comic narrative and street signage aesthetics brought together through stencil art, encapsulating the world we live in with endearing pessimism and cheeky wit.

The Lowdown Times

Thursday 6th June 2013

RAIDING LOOTERS RAIDED Carl Marks

Led away by police, looters cover their faces and hang their heads low, whilst a bolshy girlfriend wrestles with another officer.

Whilst many people were still tucked up in bed at 4am yesterday morning, the Lowdown Metropolitan Police force were gathering outside Red End flats to apprehend gang member suspects from the riots and looting that took place last month. Pulled out of bed and still in their underwear, yet inexplicably wearing red bandana masks, the suspected looters were taken downtown to be charged and interviewed, whilst their flats were searched for stolen goods. One admitted his guilt, exclaiming "I ain't done nothing, get your hands off of me" in that oh so classic case of a

ROOT OF EVIL

Gemma Hendericks Developers have literally been stopped in their tracks by a group of environmental activists from uprooting part of Green Forest and developing the land. The ‘Conservation of Unusual Nature Territories Society’ is trying to stop local developers turn a part of the forest into a carpet and ice cream megastore. Green Forest, part of Lowdown‘s green belt, is the country’s only habitat for the ‘Lesser Spotted Blue Hunter’ butterfly, which, although timid on its own, is known to attack individuals when flying in a large group. Members of the society arrived at the forest ahead of developers last Monday morning and have been blocking attempts to clear the area of trees. Armed with crude signs and shouting ineffectual slogans like “Take a toke, not an oak!”, “Make like a tree and fuck off!” and “Please don’t do this.”, the society has managed to delay the developers for over four days now. The prolonged standoff has now seen the involvement of the local

police and even some of the riot squad division. Although peaceful, the protest is by no means quiet, with many members strumming their guitars and bashing their maracas to apparently “flood the area with good vibes”, as one protester too intoxicated to remember his name explained. Elaborating, he said "it's like, man, your weapons are guns but we use musical instruments and the notes like bullets, man...bullets that always hit".

Developers literally holding a blueprint.

One police officer was seen smashing a guitar, when questioned later by reporters, the officer replied the item had 'THIS MACHINE KILLS FASCISTS' written on the front and was destroyed as a safety precaution. When another protester offered a riot policeman a flower, it was promptly knocked out his hand and smashed to a flowery pulp with a baton. Head spokesman for the society, April Pod Blossom, defends the group’s action as “Green Forest is a spiritual place, a place that gives the rest of the city vital lifeforce, as well as the home of many animals. Chopping down a part of this forest is like circumcision” “We will stay here until our demands are met and we save the forest, or as long as our supply of trailmix and cannabis lasts...it’s really a case of whichever gives out first”. Whilst the developers of ‘Shagpile & Cone Ltd.’ have complete planning permission to go ahead, no one wishes to touch the protesting hippies because they “smell awful and are really quite slippery when you get down to it”.

double negative, whereas another suspect was heard to have said something involving Margaret Thatcher and the contents of a happy meal that was too graphic to quote. The list of recovered items included lamp, a hamster ball, a Michael Barrymore calendar, a multipack of foreign envelopes, a roll of solar powered carpet and the last chapter of a wizard book, totaling a cost of £230.14. When found guilty, because they totally have the look of criminals, the culprits will serve a minimum prison sentence of five years whilst wearing dunce caps and will be branded with a permanent ‘ASBO’ mark on their foreheads and lumbar.

Handmade cardboard signs are the fuel of revolutions the world over.

MAN FARTS, SNEEZES, COUGHS, SHITS AND VOMITS ALL AT ONCE

PRETTIER THAN REAL LIFE Alan Pull I’m one of those rare people that still doesn’t have a mobile phone. Somehow I manage and that’s fine but for others the thought of going without their phone for a day is bad enough. I don’t begrudge them that, I’m sure if I actually bought an iPhone I’d grow to really like it and rely on it. What I don’t understand is everyone’s obsession with looking at the world though the camera in their phone.

When I go to an event that is even remotely special, it’s not long before I see someone pull out their phone to take a photo or, worse, watch their screen as it records a video. “It looks better on the screen, it looks more...real” my friends attest all the time when I give them the now familiar quizzical look. I say put your phone in the pocket, enjoy what you‘re doing and if it’s a moment that really matters to you, you won’t forget it.

Secure some personal space on the underground by looking and smelling like shit. Simon Kay

“This view is Instagram gold.”

HAVE YOU HAD AN ACCIDENT OR INJURY?*

SOCILIGATORS4U

0800 8108 5108

CALL US ON WE’LL BLAME SOMEONE AND SUE THE BASTARDS

*EVEN IF IT WAS YOUR OWN STUPID, CLUMSY FAULT.

Paramedics were called to Haring Square tube station after a man was found collapsed in a pool of his own gases, fluids and solids on the tube. Reports from startled commuters suggest the man had already been in quite a state when he boarded the carriage. Before the train could reach the next stop, the man is alleged to have simultaneously passed gas,

sneezed, coughed, defecated and vomited. “It was like all the different parts of his body were having a competition with each other to see who could be the most disgusting. I don’t know who won but I can assure you that the losers were everyone that was unlucky enough to be in that carriage when that shit literally went down.” one pale commuter told us. Officials said the carriage in question has now been destroyed.

MYSTERY WRECKAGE Daniel DeToe The wreckage of a rowboat was discovered washed up on Corbert Beach this morning, discovered by a swathe of people who like long walks on the beach and holding hands. Although no bodies were found with the wreckage, one particularly soggy cat was found clinging to an oar, who was immediately rushed to the nearest vet and is said to be in stable condition after lapping up an entire plate of warm milk.

Oar we there yet?

Thursday 6th June 2013

The Lowdown Times

CORRUPTION AT LIPSUM TOWER? Rich Rothschild New details are coming out in the Lipsum Tower embezzlement case. Sources close to the board of directors are revealing that up to £2bn may have been embezzled by the investment firm’s senior directors. Originally founded by an immigrant Italian in 1821, after his exclusively-

dog-orientated-zoo swiftly went bankrupt, Lipsum Tower soon grew to prominence when it’s hedge fund in hedges paid huge returns during the late 19th century topiary revival. Those at the center of the scandal, including CEO Malcolm Featherstrong and CFO John Morgan who have said “we are very sorry and we will try not to do this again”. No arrests have been made yet.

FOWL PLAY

In the end, the photo raised over £90 for a ‘Plumbers with Water Allergies’ charity.

SCOFFOLDING Too rich to be guilty.

LIVE FOR LESS HUNT

MUSHROOMS

“I think Mario is the most famous mushroom hunter.” muses veteran hunter Mr Flint

Guy Stumpland Some angry residents have even taken to scaring pigeons away with air horns. Amanda H. Kiss There is a call among many of the residents of Lowdown for a cull of feral pigeons. Some people have started to complain that the birds are becoming increasingly boisterous and cocky. One disgruntled resident of Blaquiere Maison said “a prick of a pigeon” pooped in his soup. Elsewhere a particularly bolshy pair of pigeons are even believed to have picked a man up after exiting Market Super and flown for many miles, only dropping him when a loaf of bread fell out of his shopping bag. Bert Larkin, head of the Society of Pigeon Shooers’, an amateur pigeonvigilante group, explains there are a number of ways to tackle the problem. Larkin explains “the simplest method is to just prevent roosting by installing inconvenient spikes out and around

the city, although many feel this is just as much of an eyesore as the pigeons” and that “letting out a, what do you call it, a gaggle, yeah a gaggle of falcons is much easier way to reduce the feral population of pigeons. One strange solution sees the construction of designated housing being built for the pigeons, ”so as to allow easier access to their eggs, which we can remove from pigeon nests...and put them on spikes! I do like the spikes.” elaborates Larkin. Other members of the public have been suggesting one particularly unorthodox solution, concedes Larkin, explaining that “we should apparently be encouraging more cat ballooners (see page 3), rather than persecuting them, which seems to kill two birds with one stone but I don’t believe in that approach. Killing two birds with one stone is very difficult, trust me, I’ve tried it...”.

Still feeling the financial pinch of the recession? A mushroom broth soup may be just the answer. With the cost of food still going up, many people are beginning to pick their own food and there is no better place to start than with the versatile fungi. Andrew Skinner Flint is a veteran mushroom hunter and has the scars to prove it: “This one here on me finger was when I sliced too far through a mushroom and caught myself. Yeah, right there, hang on, there. Yeah, can you see it? It must be the lighting, yeah, the light is weird right now. Then I’ve got this one on me foot when I stood on an exposed nail whilst I was renovating my bungalow. It don’t have anything to do with hunting mushrooms but it’s a big old scar, no one can deny that.” Asked if what one valuable tip Andrew would have for hunting mushrooms, he replied “Don’t eat the red ones. I did that once when I was younger, that was a bad move”.

Nick Hone A group of builders working at the Gilliam tenements construction site have been playing with their food. Specifically, they’ve been recreating Charles Ebbets’ famous ‘Lunch atop a Skyscraper’ to raise money for charity. Bob Hammerson got the idea to recreate the iconic photo when he saw it online and realized he was a builder too, saying “I got the idea to recreate the iconic photo when I saw it online and realized I was a builder too”. Bob went round the construction site, showing the photo of the builders to others builders, and soon managed to get enough people in the project when they heard it was all for a good cause. Bob the builder felt strongly about using genuine builders in the photo as he was striving for absolute authentic-

ity. “I’m tired of seeing actors and models in film and TV constantly make mistakes, like using a claw hammer when they should obviously be using a ball pein.” Originally photographed in 1932 whilst the famous Rockefeller Center was being built in New York City, the photo depicts 11 men having lunch whilst sat on a girder without any safety harnesses. Rumour says that a twelfth man was in the scene but after an hour of shooting photos, one of the men fell off the girder, along with his bottle of whisky. To stop this turning into bad publicity for the new building, any negatives showing 12 men on the girder were burnt and the remaining builders were made to sign one of the earliest known cases of a non-disclosure agreement.

A WASTE OF TIME Tim Gosby The police are warning the public to be aware of street vendors selling counterfeit ‘time’. It is believed some unscrupulous individuals are selling the wrong kind of time to unsuspecting buyers. Victims of this fraud have reported that their time has often slowed down, stopped or, worst of all, sped up for them. Time specialists need to be called in to remove the faulty time, which is then safely disposed. It became fashionable for people to wear their personal time at the end of the 19th century, which was originally thought of as effeminate. As time went on, on peoples wrists, the stigma was lost during the first World War as easy access to time became a necessity of planning and coordinating strategies, particularly for pilots.

Who watches the watches? Police say that fraudulent pieces of time, also known as timepieces, may have telltale signs. These include brand names such as ‘Bolex’, ‘Ohmega’, ‘Fartier’ and ‘Sasio’. Furthermore, if any of the numbers along the outer rim of the face contain letters (other than roman numerals), that there appears to be jam inside or there are drawings of small baby otters, the timepiece should be avoided at all costs.

PINT-SIZED PLAYGROUND Hannah Ken Concerned parents are petitioning the County Council to bring in new laws that restrict the proximity of pubs to playgrounds. They are dubbing the proposed law as the ‘Anti-Social Pub Order’, or ‘ASPO’ for short. If passed, the law would see future pubs be built no closer than one kilometer away from any playgrounds. The law would be retroactive and see existing pubs moved out of the infringing areas at the expense of the pub owner’s pocket. Parents believe that the close nature of some pubs, like The Dog & Bone, to playgrounds like Saunder’s Park have a negative effect on the development

of children, especially considering how impressionable they can be. If children see that the definition of fun is ‘downing a pint’, that will become a part of a child’s concept of enjoyment. One shocked mother said that when she saw her four year old son attempting to glug four prints of milk down in one go, she knew she had to do something and so joined the new movement. Other distressed parents have witnessed their children brawling with other children in the park, trying to smash their sippy cups into shards so as to be used as weapons Not all parents, primarily fathers, are for the new legislation. Tyler Bakersmith, one parent against the

ASPO, believes it’s not all bad. “With the Dog & Bone so close to the park, I can take my little ones out a lot more than if the pub was far away; I can plop ‘em down on the springed horses and be sat just a few metres away from them enjoying an ale”. Landlords aren’t happy about the campaign either and have been swift to form their own campaign to have all playgrounds no less than 100 meters away from a pub at all times. “Some of the kids like to even collect the pint glasses and bring them to the bar. Where’s the harm in that? Our pubs look a little tidier and the kids earn a few quid. If anything, we’re teaching them good work ethic at a young age...but not in a Victorian child labour sort of way, alright?”.

Children: Like small adults with less money and no sense of shame.

The Lowdown Times

READER’S EMAILS

Who needs enemies...

OH PISS Thanks to Uriah Oubov for sending in this hilarious photo of his friend getting a little wet from above, despite the fact it was a clear day. You know you’re hanging out with the right people when they would rather take a photo of you getting pissed on from above than tell you to step to the side. Thank you for sending in our ‘Photo of the day’, Uri, your £50 is in the post...maybe buy your poor mate a pint with some of the money, eh?

“I think our Prime Minister should be forced to live in council housing and on benefits, then we’ll see how fast things change in this country! I also want this to happen so I can lob a brick through his window...tried it once with his gaff on Downing Street but I didn’t get very far because it’s a gated community.” - Jim B.

“I feel the need...the need for speed. Can anyone hook me up?” - Charlie S.

“We should make the signs at airports and harbours point to the entrances to the country written in really complicated English, no arrows or anything, just like ‘Take your first left prior to the azure atrium, follow the promenade for a quarter of sixty minutes and then ascend the escalator parallel to the pharmacy to set foot on this glorious land”. It’ll confuse the immigrants and they’ll just go back home. - Emma E.

“I just wanted to let everyone know that Winston Churchill believed in the theory of eugenics. Just like Mr Hitler. Chew on that.” - Samuel G.

“If we evolved from these monkeys, right, how come monkeys are still about?” - Ben D. “Magic penis pills! Increase your size to 13” in three easy steps. Click link for more details.” - ea1133 a33af_-gg7

“Your newspaper is such poor quality that I’d sooner rub my arsehole on the cat than use this paper to wipe my bum because I’d only end up with even more shit on my arse.” - Fuck Y.

“I saw you with that skank, Jamie, we’re finished, you bastard. You said that last time was THE last time but clearly it wasn’t. P.S. I’ve been farting on your toothbrush for the past two months.” - Kimberly O. “John G. raped and murdered my wife.” - Leonard S. “It turns out I really like the taste of horse but now I can’t find it anywhere.” - Gemma D.

...the page where you can tell Britain your inane little thoughts and beliefs.

“I believe my newborn baby girl is the reincarnation of the late Margaret Thatcher. She keeps snatching at my breast...if you want the rest of this story, please get in touch and we’ll talk about my fee.” - Caroline H. “Hi Betty, I have just got the hang of this email business, I hope this letter reaches you well because I couldn’t see where to put the stamps. Sincerely, Philip”

Thursday 6th June 2013

JOKE HOLE Q: How do you seduce a fat woman? A: Piece of cake. One cannibal turns to the other and says "Does this clown taste funny to you?". Q: Why dont blind men skydive? A: Because it scares the shit out of the dog. A backward poet writes inverse. Q: How many radical feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's not funny.

TWEETS OF THE DAY - Philip F.

“Don’t eat yellow snow. More importantly, don’t lick brown icicles.” - Anonymous “Millimeters is interchangeable with millilitres, right?” - Zoe M “From now on I want everyone to call me ‘The Zinc Bandit’. If you call me by my old name or you ask why I’m called ‘The Zinc Bandit’, I’m going to punch you square in the face.” - The Zinc Bandit

@JtotheChris Has anyone else ever smelt their own poo and suddenly felt hungry? @Malcolmey1988 Just sneezed over all my caviar #FML @WarholToucherG At an art show, all overpriced bollocks that my kid could paint...blindfolded. @itsinthewater Does this look infected? I think it’s infected. pic.twitter.com/StIBJl2jbOk

IS IT A BIRD? IS IT A PLANE? YESTERDAY’S

RESULTS:

DO YOU AGREE WITH THE GOVERNMENT’S PROPOSAL TO INCREASE THE AMOUNT OF WEEKLY MATHS LESSONS IN OUR SCHOOLS?

YES NO

34% 67%

TODAY’S QUESTION:

HAS POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE TOO FAR?

Unfortunately image analysts were unable to enhance the pixels... Jerry Shuster Or could this really be Superman? Sent in by Joe Siegal, could this tiny, blurry snap of a soaring figure taken somewhere above Pyatt sea really be the man of steel? “I was just admiring the view from Torl Cliffs and I saw this flash of something pass overhead. At first I thought it was just a police drone keeping me safe but after I saw the underpants, I suspected otherwise and

took a quick photo.” Joe explains. There is an unmistakeable flash of a red cape, although the man appears to be holding a bag of shopping. Could it be that Superman shops at Market Super? We passed this photo onto expert image analysts for study and the verdict was “Sorry, what? Superman? You’re asking if this is a comic book character in this horrible mobile phone photo? No. No it is not Superman. What are you? Five? Get out.”

Win! Two free tickets for a five night stay in London with three friends

worth £250, plus a free voucher valid for 6 months to an unlimited supply of 500 DVDs, along with a daily subscription to a VIP beach-and-boat cruise celebrating the 25th anniversary of your custom kitchen and a complimentary exercise bike with iPod dock and blue Nintendo Wii stand 24 hour shopping spree courtesy of Kellogs! Just answer this simple question... What colour is this triangle? A. Light green B. Mint C. Pastel forest D. Blue Text your answer to 40401, texts cost £3/mph and winners will be announced in the Thursday 13th June 2013 edition of The Lowdown Times inside a drawing of a small, nervous dove with one eye.

MISSING DOG

YES / NO / ...BLOODY RAGHEADS

Text your vote to 80085 before midnight, typical mobile network charges apply.

SOCK IT TO ME A man was baffled earlier today when he stumbled across an old red sock he had lost a week ago, after drying his clothes on the roof of his flat, on a walk through Green Forest. The baffled man said “I’m not even mad, that’s amazing!”.

‘Dog’ loves big butts and cannot lie. Black dog missing since yesterday morning, last seen at Corbert beach. Answers to the name ‘Dog’ and will probably still be wearing half a green leash. Enjoys chasing cats, digging for bones, getting boisterous with his tail, getting confused at the smell of its own farts and barks at Jimmy Carr whenever he appears on the TV and is standing with his hands together. If found, please call 07794796324. Wanted not dead and preferably alive. Reward to be negotiated.

The little sock that could.

ON CLOUD NINE It’s not often you get to play a practical joke on your boss, unless your name is Micky Jones and you work on a construction site. Seeing his boss asleep on a crane’s lifting pallet, Micky hoisted his sleeping beauty of a boss up in the middle of the air and left him there. “Everyone had a good laugh when he woke up and nearly fell off the edge. We left him dangling for a moment but brought him down once lunch ended. Micky has since been fired by his boss for ‘reckless behavior’ but he says that “it was totally worth it”.

Thursday 6th June 2013

The Lowdown Times

TV HIGHLIGHTS FOR... THURSDAY 6TH JUNE 2013

2.30 Dusty Auctioneers Dick Richardson joins two new teams to spend a dull day walking around antique fairs, trying to make some easy, lazy money.

11.00 Amateur House Porn Watch a boring couple visit a selection of mediocre houses as they try to take their first step on the property ladder with a paltry budget.

19.30 SouthEnders Cocky cockneys shout at each other, give birth to more stupid babies and get barred from the local pub.

13.30 Snooker (HD) Semi-finals of the world snooker championships. Sit in your pants and stare at the screen, mesmerized by the green table and various coloured balls.

22.00 BBC News (HD) Doom, doom, gloom, a lot more gloom, angry youths and a death. Followed by the weather.

20.00 Luxury House Porn Take a peek inside Britain’s most expensive houses and quietly sob.

JOB LISTINGS Investment Banker High pressure job at Lipsum Tower, opportunity for growth, expenses account available for ties. Must be good at keeping secrets, loose morals and no sense of the value of money. Contact Linda at 01244 743733 Lowdown Underground Security In urgent need of hardy guard for security at one of our stations. Should not suffer fools gladly and enjoy the smell of stale urine and damp walls. Extensive knowledge of all the city’s stations vital. Email your CV and photo of your bicep to security@tfl.org.uk Brick Layer Seeking experienced person to lay brick walls at Gilliam tenements and for banter about boobs and footballs. Must be able to whistle at will. Preferably Polish. Please call Bob on 0777777477

Pest Control County Council seeking someone for role in future bird cull. Candidates will preferably own their overalls, nets and pigeon harpoon but not vital. Must be able to think like a bird, talk like a bird and fly like a bird is bonus. Ask for Fat Rodney on 01244 641117 Archaeologist Prehistoric dinosaur thought to be under Green Forest, bring your own spade, let’s talk. 07164664098 Chip Chef Part-time frite cook needed at ‘Cod in the Act’. No fatties. 01244 908 024 Fencer Speedy fencer needed for trainyard repairs at Old Bent Road and if you know someone who has a rag and some solvents, bring them along too. Contact 01244 303 305 ASAP.

9.15 The Keremy Jyle Show Keremy Jyle pretends to be angry at fat, stupid white people in a thinly veiled attempt to mediate their issues.

13.40 Downcount Join an inordinate amount of old people quietly trying to remember where it all went wrong as they add letters up and spell large numbers.

10.15 Bananas In Pyjamas Les Dennis investigates the sleeping patterns of fruit. Today’s episode deals with the kumquat. May contain nudity.

20.00 Vicarious Squeezing The health programme where people with disgusting ailments decide to go on TV and show off their boils.

20.00 Celebrity Big Borstal A slew of D-list celebs compete for the prize of a place in your memory because they fear death and seek immortality within your synapses.

23.30 Blackjack 24/7 Phone in and fritter your money away on a game controlled by a computer, where genuine chance doesn’t exist.

23.55 BidBidBidTV Buy crap you don’t need with money you don’t have for space that isn’t available in the house you don’t own.

23.00 Celebrity Big Borstal Extra (HD) Extra footage from the borstal’s toilets, with 13 different camera angles to choose from. Also available in 3D.

MISSED CONNECTIONS

HOROSCOPES

21.00 Celebrity Soggy Biscuit (HD) Four desperate celebrities surround a digestive and race to masturbate onto the biscuit in a frantic blur of semen and stale crumbs.

Bumped into you at Market Super, I had a birthmark in the shape of Ireland, you had a laugh like a young capybara. (w4m) Email: izitrlly@hotmail.co.uk Saw you reading a book on a bench near Red End flats, blue and grey scarf, bought a rose for you but lost sight of you. Still looking. (m4w) Email: rockdudeivan@gmail.com You were a woman, I was that guy and we did a thing. Let’s do it again. (m4w) Email: playerboy1992@hotmail.co.uk CORRECTIONS

AND

Aries: March 21 - April 19 Continue with your plans but allow an additional five business days for delivery and don’t make eye contact with the postman.

Taurus: April 20 - May 20 Finish work and head home half an hour earlier than usual today...that’s all I’m saying.

Gemini: May 21 - June 20 Your evil twin is coming. All other things being equal, your only advantage will be foresight.

RETRACTIONS

- From 2nd June, we falsely named and accused John Smith of being a pedophile. John Smith is infact not a pedophile. Sorry about that. - From 26th May, apologies for placing an advert regarding health insurance next to an article about teenage suicide. That was really bad.

Cancer: June 21 - July 22 Today will be the best day of your life, so cherish every second, as it’s all downhill from here.

Leo: July 23 - August 22 Oh shit, you’re fucked.

OBITUARIES REST IN ABSOLUTE PEACE

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

Sigfriend Morgan, 34, died suddenly of trauma to the head from a high velocity coin being dropped from a great height. Loved fresh air and smoking.

Libra: September 23 - October 22

DOWN UNDER

Whilst you sip tea and read horoscopes, your Farmville crops slowly wither. Readdress your priorities.

Davey Chopson, 41, who loved a bit of a drink and partying with his friends, died from internal hemorrhaging after jumping off his beloved pub, The Dog & Bone, with a bench umbrella. Close friends described Davey equal parts kind and retarded. Alfonso Lovalot, 29, loved making love to lovely women...married women. Alfonso died after an accident involving a loose bedsheet knot saw him fall from a third storey floor. HOT

GIRLS

09830 777 713

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GAYS AND COCKS

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In regards to the owl, I would not recommend that course of action

Scorpio: October 23 - November 21 Your mother found out, and she's discussed it extensively with your partner. Duct tape is useful for all kinds of damage limitation.

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Something good or bad may or may not happen, if not immediately then sometime in the future.

Capricor n: December 22 - Januar y 19

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Your movements this week will affect Saturns love life, so please tread carefully.

Aquarius: Januar y 20 - Februar y 18 If you start collecting your body hair immediately, it might just be enough.

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Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21

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Pisces: Februar y 19 - March 20 Seeing as you've read all of the above, just choose the one that feels most applicable.

The Lowdown Times

Thursday 6th June 2013

BACK OF THE NET! CITY WINS IN 3-2 STUNNER AGAINST UNITED held for police questioning. Carmona Strange got things back under way for United and in the 34rd minute put one between keeper Mikey Malkey’s legs to level the scoreboard. With the momentum in United’s favour again, John Johnson showed us exactly why the fans call him the ‘Steel Thermos’ and got another on the stroke of half-time. As soon as both teams emerged from the tunnel at half-time, it was clear United were now on the defensive, like a cruise liner at the opening to a harbour. With the heavens now pissing it down even more than before, City’s manager Concarne, as well as the fans, knew what had to be done. In the 72nd minute, Cesar Barris, known as the ‘Wet Sultan’ was brought on in place for Tyrope Walker and scored a resounding goal with his first touch of the ball with a header from the halfway line, despite being 5’3”. Still not wanting to literally play ball, United held to a 5-5-0 formation in blind, dumb panic but the Wet Sultan was not to be dyked this day and hustled his way past a soggy backline to score with his unnatural right foot. With a hard-won three points in the bag, City can breathe a little easier at the top of the table, whilst United try to regroup and work out how to blame the clouds for being City fans.

Chase Bull Despite rainfall so dense it looked like the match would be called off at times, Lowdown City managed to pull out a 3-2 win over Lowdown United in the dying minutes of the match. City came into this game on the back of a 2-0 win at Wallmill but player injuries since then, like Wagner's bee hive accident or Whitmore's garden rake run-in, meant the team's spirits were dampened much like the state of the pitch before the game. United started well with 100% possession for the first seven minutes of the game but overly fancy, almost feminine, footwork from Rinohldo saw City’s Clayton Queen get on the ball after Rinohldo forgot he wasn’t some kind of Portuguese Fred Astaire and was no longer dribbling up the pitch with the ball. Queen laid a beautiful pinpoint accurate cross into the box for Anderson to finish off for the game’s first goal against a moist van der Pear. United returned with a number of attempts on goal, one hitting the posts and another flying into the stands and smashing a United fan’s pie. Proceedings were temporarily stopped, not for the rain, but for a flock of pigeons that had settled on the pitch and were refusing to move. Stewards were forced to catch the birds inside their jackets and were promptly escorted off the pitch and

THE HISTORY

ON THE WAY OUT? Tony Smithers With Lowdown United’s manager Tifa Bonita Miguel getting pelted by coins and sharply folded bank notes last night as he got booed off the pitch, is it the end of the Spaniard’s poor reign? With not a single match won in the past 13 games, we think it’s time for Miguel to take a permanent siesta.

Cesar Barris, the ‘Wet Sultan’, scores the match winning goal.

1907 - Lowdown City FC founded. 1913 - Lowdown United FC founded by people who like the colour red. 1923 - Local derby ends in crazy 8-1 win to United, gives rise to ‘Ate One, Shat One’ chant, which reaches #2 on the official singles chart. 1945 - First league game after WWII ends, only time United and City players swap shirts and hug. 1961 - City fined £200,000 after boxer-turned-manager Danny Stubb punches line-judge. 2002 - United forget to turn up to City match, forfeiting the game.

AFTERMAT (C)H REPORT Ben Deckhem It was inevitable and as predictable as the setting sun, the Lombard Direct adverts or the incredibly wide circumference of an American tourist, City and United fans clashed just outside the city center following City’s surprise win over United. With the police force already stretched thin dealing with the Knab

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Bank robbery, red and blue fans came together to turn into a distinct shade of bruised purple. One anonymous City hooligan was quoted screaming “*** **** **** WITH ***** **** IN YOUR *** ***** MASSIVE ******* UNITED ****!”, whilst one United player from the under-21s squad reportedly taking a dump on an unconscious City supporter towards the end of the scuffle, before a man on a horse broke the incident up. After further investigation, the brawl resulted in five admittances to ER for City fans but giving as good as they got by putting seven United supports in the ER, with one in critical condition. Whether it’s on or off the pitch, is there any end to City’s dominance?

Failed suggestions to merge the teams in the past have been met with crude gestures death threats and flaming bags of poop.