PacificSun Weekly 01.27.2012 - Section 1

Page 15

›› SiNGLE iN THE SUBURBS

ANNOUNCING

Matches made in heaven

rockÆowerpaper company store’s

Wholesale Warehouse Sale

God works in mysterious ways—but this takes the babke! by N ik k i Silve r ste in

E

ven though I love Rick, my noncommittal, off-on boyfriend of nine years, I still long for the constancy and devotion of a full-time partner. Sadly, that’s not what my buff beau and I share. Sometimes he’s here and sometimes my neurotic nature charms him into complete retreat. Add to that my perimenopausal mood swings and I’ve managed to addle the serenity of Rick’s gentle Japanese manner. We are opposites and that’s our curse. Our strong attraction and practically a decade of history together are almost enough, but not quite. Yes, I’ve kvetched about this before. It may seem to you like I’m stuck in a rut of my own making, but I recently discovered that it’s God’s doing. Although I’m one of the Chosen People and Rick is an enlightened Buddhist, God doesn’t want us to ďŹ nd our perfect match. It’s true. The Christian Mingle television commercial and website tells me so. If you haven’t been fortunate enough to catch the commercial, allow me to share the highlights with you (it’s also an easy search on YouTube). First, we see happy, beautiful couples, presumably Christians. The voiceover explains how they became so happy and beautiful: You’re single, you’re Christian and you’re looking for a meaningful relationship. Find God’s match for you at ChristianMingle. com. Sometimes we wait for God to make the next move when God is saying it’s your time to act. Impressive. I write advertising copy and not once has God told me his intentions for the product I’m peddling. Oh, if only He would. If I was in the know, I’d be pretty picky about my work projects. I could probably charge a lot more for my services too. Alas, I’ve received no divine intervention at my keyboard. Obviously, the copywriter for the Christian Mingle spot has the inside track on God. Mazel tov on the miracle. If God is personally matchmaking for Christians, I’m confused about Christian Mingle’s next TV commercial. Single Christians, good news. ChristianMingle has more than 5 million registered members. Almost 2 million new members in the last year alone. Join today and ďŹ nd Gods’ match for you. Sometimes we wait for God to make the next move when God is saying it’s your time to act. Hold on there. You have 5 million members, of which 2 million joined just last year. That means 3 milion people

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have been on your service for more than a year and they’ve got nada. Has God left his post at ChristianMingle.com to perhaps watch over the Middle East conict or tend to the AIDS epidemic in Africa? Maybe you should have given God a raise or at least some stock options. The exclusionary tone to the commercials insults and amuses at the same time. I’m unworthy of God’s match, because I’m not Christian. Nah. It’s just Spark Networks, a publicly traded company that owns dozens of online dating sites, capitalizing on Christians. These Spark folks are marketing geniuses. They also own JDate, a Jewish online dating site, but since us Jews are inclined toward cynicism, Spark isn’t nervy enough to suggest that God is involved in this particular dating enterprise. JDate’s sell lines are about the site being the modern alternative to traditional Jewish matchmaking. If the online yenta positioning statement doesn’t motivate you to grab your credit card, the clincher is their proclamation of support for Israel. Are you a member of the Church of Latter-day Saints and “looking for love that stands the test of time?â€? Never fear. You’ll ďŹ nd it at LDS Mingle, which Spark touts as the largest dating site by Mormons for Mormons. Never mind that the CEO of Spark is a Jew working out of its Beverly Hills headquarters. Spark Networks ďŹ rst site was JDate. Sparked by its success, the company began launching more dating sites. The shareholder shtick claims “extensive member proďŹ les allow consumers to ‘screen’ potential dates before meeting them.â€? In contrast, the dating websites contain the disclaimer, “Spark Networks USA does not conduct background checks on the members or subscribers to this website.â€? Whether you’re black, Greek, Canadian, Asian or a big woman, Spark Networks has a site for you. Pulling back the curtain on this online dating warehouse makes me nostalgic for the old tried and true method of meeting a mate. Take my girl posse out for a night on the town, pull up some bar stools, order a round of cosmopolitans and smile nicely at the cute boys.< e-mail: nikki_silverstein@yahoo.com

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