Pacifc Sub Weekly 05.20.2011 - Section 1

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t’s been a while since I’ve devoted an entire column to railing against men.

I’ve had it with you guys this week and I’m suffering from PMS, so I’m warning you I’m probably going around the bend.

Please turn the page if you take offense when I call a man behaving like a pig, a pig. If you do read on, don’t write me defending your gender. I’m exhausted just thinking about your absurd excuses, like you’re hard-wired to need a beauty queen (or a maid) and you’re genetically predisposed to cheating. Hogwash.

Wait, I changed my mind. Please do write if you can tell me what’s up with this maid thing. First, the head of the IFC knocks down the hotel maid (allegedly) and then we hear our former governor knocked up the housekeeper. Do these guys have clean fetishes or is it some rite of passage for men in positions of power to prey on women without it?

Seriously, what is wrong with you guys?

Just because you were born attached to a penis doesn’t mean you have to whip it out every time you see a pretty woman. Try acting like a real man with a modicum of restraint. In other words, grow up. Your actions have consequences. For example, a divorce to be played out in the media or a perp walk, strip search and a cell in Rikers.

For the record, I know that StraussKahn is accused of attempted rape and Schwarzenegger admits to a consensual affair, but let’s not forget the dozen or so groping allegations against Arnie. In my column, swine come in various sizes and Strauss-Kahn’s carcass would certainly fetch more at the butcher shop. Keep in mind though, there are no kosher pigs.

Arnold and Strauss-Kahn are married to intelligent, successful, attractive women.

Apparently, that’s not enough. I’m curious.

Does exposure end a man’s philandering or does he simply become better at hiding his recklessness? I guess we could ask Bill Clinton, David Letterman, Tiger Woods, Newt Gingrich, Jesse James, John Edwards, Brad Pitt, Mark Sanford, Ethan Hawke, David Duchovny and Eliot Spitzer.

Unfortunately, I can’t list all the infamous cheaters with fabulous wives, because I have a 750-word limit.

Our two protagonists this week have a lot in common. They’re both politicians lacking character and neither is a spring chicken. The money whiz is 62 and the body builder is 63. Guys, next time you see a gal in a cleaning uniform, try popping Valium instead of Viagra. (Yes, Arnold was about a decade younger when he fathered his love child; however, almost every

tabloid in the world reports that he repeatedly cheated, allegedly, on sweet Maria throughout the years.)

When men cheat on women like Hillary Clinton, Elizabeth Edwards, Jennifer Aniston and Uma Thurman, the implications are scary for us regular gals. Of course, I’ve come up with a solution. It may seem convoluted, but stay with me.

You may remember the scientiďŹ c study that came out a few years ago about allele 334, the supposed inďŹ delity gene found in two of every ďŹ ve men. Without getting too nerdy, allele 334 is a gene variant that affects the production of vasopressin, a hormone found in mammals. Men having at least two copies of allele 334 are twice as likely to experience marital problems. You know how those male scientists linked the gene to inďŹ delity? They looked at previous studies on monogamy with voles, a little varmint related to, not surprisingly, the rat.

Buying into the genetics argument means that 40 percent of men cheat.

Could science go one step further and produce a cost-effective home test for allele 334? For less than a hundred bucks, you can gather DNA from your mutt to determine his mix of breeds. I can ďŹ nd out if I’m pregnant by urinating on a strip of paper. It takes less time to get the results than it takes me to get up from my lowslung, low-ow Toto toidy.

I want a cheating-gene test. What do we need to do to get it on the shelf at Walgreens? Men certainly don’t want women to know in advance that they’re programmed to stray, plus the majority of scientists are male. The solution is more female scientists. Anyone want to join me in starting a science scholarship awarded exclusively to girls?

If we get the test, some of us will ignore the results. We love the challenge of taming the bad boy, even if it means defying Mother Nature. Arghh, I just thought of something worse. What if your guy tests negative and cheats on you anyway? I’d take to my bed for at least a decade if that happened to me, because then the inďŹ delity would be my fault.

Forget my solution. I have no answers.

I only know that some men are cheating pigs and some men are lying rats, but science says that three of every ďŹ ve men have the potential to be mensches. At least the odds are in our favor.< Two out of ďŹ ve readers should email: nikki_silverstein@yahoo.com

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