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As dog as my witness—I’ll never be lonely again! by N ik k i Silve r ste in
guidelines. Sure, they cost more, but nothing is too good for her kids. Sadly, Bruno doesn’t have apparel. My friends believe me when I tell them Huskies get too hot with clothes on; however, it’s not the entire truth. Prince, my previous dog that lives with God now, wore my size. We shared a denim jacket, cashmere sweater and down vest. Unfortunately, Bruno is bigger than I am and I’m financially incapable of keeping up two wardrobes with the latest styles. Please don’t write in calling me a bad mother because my dog is naked. I atone daily about it. I have one dog, Kate has two and Kim has three. After much discussion, almost all of my gal pals and I agree that people think you’re a bit touched when you have more than two. Actually, Kate used to have three, but she always lied, claiming only two. Kim doesn’t buy into this notion, which is too bad, because she’s looking for a partner. Beautiful, smart and one of the funniest people I know, Kim used to have more dates. It slowed down considerably when she added dog after dog to her family. Then, there’s the dress-up thing, not merely in the cold or wet weather, but all the time. Paws down, her pups beat every other pooch on the fashion runway. Picture four pink pea coats—one for Kim and each of her dogs. “It’s my favorite strolling outfit,” she says. “Please tell me it’s your only strolling outfit,” I respond. She opens her laundry room door. Other than the washer and dryer, the room is devoted to clothing rods with dozens of tiny hangers. Yes, it’s the doggie closet. Plaid Burberry skirts, satin party dresses and special attire for Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Halloween and Christmas. “No one will ever marry you,” I advise. “Give two of the dogs to your parents.” “I won’t,” Kim replies. “I love them.” I understand. We love them and they love us. Every night we go home to someone. We have company during dinner, someone to snuggle with on the sofa and a great listener that hangs on our every word. We might not have husbands and we may be crazy, but we’re not really alone. ✹
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hope I’m wrong, but I think I may have hit upon yet another reason my girlfriends and I remain unmarried. Unfortunately, my new idea doesn’t hold men responsible. This time, the burden falls on us. To be more specific, us and our dogs. Could it be a coincidence that all of my single sisters on the hill live with one, two or even three dogs? I think not. To varying degrees, we treat our pooches like children. Our married friends with human offspring often raise their eyebrows when they watch us interact with our dogs. Consider yourself lucky if you have a spouse and kids, otherwise you too would have long conversations with a canine. I talk to my dog Bruno so much at home that sometimes I forget and do it in public. Since he can’t speak English, I read his expression and say aloud for him what he would say if he could. Don’t for a minute think I’m alone, because I know other people who do this. OK, not people, women. I’ll bet there’s a man out there who speaks for his dog. The ironic thing is that if I met him, I would think he’s bonkers and I certainly wouldn’t date him. My friend Abby typically stays home on the weekend, swearing her dog understands she has to go to work Monday through Friday. When she leaves Timmy alone on Saturday or Sunday, he huffs and whines, then gives her the silent treatment when she returns home. I suggested she pretend she’s going to work every day. She says it doesn’t fool Timmy and I believe her, since he’s an intelligent herding dog. His antics cause overwhelming guilt for Abby, so she rarely ventures out for long on the weekend. Laurie lets Jock eat with her. She takes a bite of her dinner and then the dog gets a bite—off her fork, which then goes back in her mouth. I think that’s why Laurie doesn’t have belly fat. She eats more slowly and half her food goes to Jock. I may have to try this. Before you decide it’s a repulsive weight-loss method, consider the facts my vet shared with me. Dog and human germs are different, which means we generally won’t catch a canine illness and they won’t get sick from us. Skinny jeans, here I come. Kate, my best friend, dresses her dogs to protect them from the cold and rain. Her little one’s newest outfit is a handmade wool sweater adorned with a monkey on the back and a hoodie with ears. Adorable. Since Kate lives her life in the most politically correct fashion, she buys dog clothes produced following the Fair Trade
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JANUARY 7 - JANUARY 13, 2011 PACIFIC SUN 13