Osweonion 2016 by The Oswegonian

DISCLAIMER

Content featured in The Osweonion is purely fictional; all quotations and details attributed as fact are fabrications and parodies of reality. Any similarity to real persons is merely coincidental.

April 1 Edition 2016

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THE JOLLY STUDENT RAG OF OSWEGO STATE UNIVERSITY • www.osweonion.com

VOLUME YO ISSUE SON

The Donald is coming!

Smoke dat dope Lakuhz

GOP frontrunner to stop in Oswego on upstate swing ahead of New York state primary

JoAnn DeLauter Official Communicator openlinesofcommunication@osweonion.com Despite New York laws banning the medical and recreational use of marijuana, University Police has changed its protocol for dealing with suspected drug use. “We understand that marijuana is illegal, but this is college,” University Police Lieutenant Phillip McDoggle said. “Drug offenses happen too often, so we decided not to respond to them anymore.” The change in policy comes after many resident assistants have filed complaints against University Police accusing officers of failing to acknowledge or recognize drug usage. According to the official complaint, the last incident when University Police allegedly ignored the use of marijuana was on March 30 on the 12th floor of Seneca Hall.

See DUTCH, page �

@OzChickenPatty reaches World Finals Photo provided by Corey Lewandowski, Donald J. Drumpf's campaign manager Controversial candidate Donald J. Trump will be visiting Oswego State on the final Friday of classes. Trump will speak about the importance of inclusion and diversity in a university setting, as well as conduct a Q&A for interested students.

Lydia Goerner Crazy Eyes dontcallmeinsane@osweonion.com

CONTENT

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump will be speaking at Oswego State during OzFest on May 6. Trump will be speaking to students in the Marano Campus Center auditorium on the importance of diversity and equality. The president of Student Association said she worked with the college’s president for the last six months to secure Trump in May. “I’m more of a Ted Cruz supporter

DJ TRAV's NEW EP....... C2 HONEY BADGER!!........ C7 BATMAN IS IRONMAN C6 WHO CARES..................A2 DIS PIC IS FLAMES...... C1 Sliding into your DMs.A1 Is Anyone Still Reading? .B5 Wow, You Are Thorough. B1 Come Edit For Us!....... C6

The Osweonion is distributed every April 1st.

myself,” the SA president said. “But so many students have been talking about Trump; we really thought it would get people excited.” The president of Oswego State said she is especially looking forward to hearing Trump speak at the college, as she is a Trump supporter. “I have been a huge fan of Donald since I was a teenager,” the college’s president said. “When I heard he was running for president, I got a ‘Trump 2016’ sign for my lawn right away. I just hope next month I’ll be able to get his autograph.” According to the SA president, Trump will receive $50,000 for delivering a one-hour speech at Oswego State. Tickets to the event, including the prespeech performance by Oswego State’s gospel choir, are $20. Some students are less enthused than the college president about Trump’s upcoming appearance in Oswego. “I hate Donald Trump and I think more people from Oswego will vote for him if he comes here,” said sophomore Sean Neebles. “He says some really

stupid things and I’m not interested in hearing any more of them.” Neebles added that he is not registered to vote, nor does he plan to register in time for the presidential election this year. The event is also open to the Oswego community. The mayor of Oswego said he will be in attendance. “Having someone as well known as Donld Trump come here is going to be great for Oswego,” the mayor said. “Oswego’s going to become a household name after this. This could be great for our economy, and I expect to see a spike in tourism this summer.” Oswego State’s president said there were some problems finding accommodations for Trump, who will be staying for the weekend. However, it was decided that Trump will be housed in Waterbury Hall. “We’re thrilled to be able to house Donald in Waterbury, which was our most recently renovated residence hall,” the president said. “We hope he will be impressed with all the work

we’ve done there. He will be eating his meals, for free of course, in Lakeside Dining Hall.” Students hoping for the opportunity to meet Trump can stop by Lakeside Dining Hall May 6-8 to try to get a selfie opportunity with the presidential candidate. “I know I’ll be in Lakeside all weekend chatting with Donald,” the college’s president said. A group of students are planning to invite Trump to join them on Friday for Bridge Street Run, a traditional Oswego bar crawl that takes place on the last day of classes. “I wanna be able to say that Donald Trump signed my white T-shirt,” said junior Julianna Snocks. “He just seems like a pretty fun dude to get drunk with.” Tickets to the event go on sale April 1. The college’s president said those interested should purchase tickets as soon as possible, as they are anticipated to sell out quickly.

Natalie Brophy Sassy Swimmer catlover@osweonion.com The Oswego State chicken patty will be making its way down to Orange Beach, Alabama, to compete in the 2016 World Food Championships. The chicken patty will be competing for a $10,000 grand prize in the sandwich competition, taking place from November 9 to 13. According to dining hall staff, the chicken patty is arguably the most famous lunch at Oswego State. Since the patty was introduced to Oswego in 1974, dining hall staff has served over 200 million of the delicious sandwiches. The manager at Cooper dining hall is confident the chicken patty will win because of its simplicity. “All the other competitors have fancy

See CHICKEN PATTY, page dos

Opinion

Laker Review

Osweonion.com

NY'S COLLEGE TEAM

J. THOMPSON III ROCKS

CUSE WINNING? SO FAKE

HE'S STILL A CHEATER

Sports

Photo provided by Patrickneil via Wikimedia

Photo provided by Michael Napoleon via flickr

WEB Photo provided by Phil5329 via Wikimedia

PAGE dos

THE OSWEONION FRIDAY, April 1, 2016

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W W W. O S W E O N I O N . CO M

Smitty may be down, but not out Chick Pat 'Bama bound Werbenjagermanjensen releases book, begins new path in life's journey Students, staff alike to travel to make patties

Dee Snookums | The Osweonion Dee Snookums | The Osweonion Werbenjagermanjensen displays his new autobiography, "I was Number One," outside Bikini Bottom Towers. The book has an all-star cast featuring appearances by Seal and Oprah.

Aleckzandur Simone LOLZ whatRUsaying@osweonion.com “Having fallen so far from the pedestal has really made me appreciate how much better I was than everyone else when I was No. 1.” Those were the words delivered by Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen at the release of his new book on Monday, “I was Number One.” The book focuses primarily on the wild nights with his local band, The Winners, and his semi-professional multi-sport career with his best friend Larry the Lobster. Werbenjagermanjensen decided to write his autobiography after he surprisingly lost the annual Bikini Bottom Popularity Show on March 24. He said instead of pining for the admiration of the Bottomites, he would use his former

DISCLAIMER

popularity to bring change to the city. “I have decided to run for mayor,” Werbenjagermanjensen said. “All of this incessant fighting between the Chum Bucket and Krusty Krab is detrimental to the community. If elected, I will push for fair business policies where local businesses can compete for profits without being sabotaged.” Werbenjagermanjensen said this sudden change is due in part to how far he fell in the popularity rankings. If the last competition had been close he said he might have stuck it out for the next competition, but falling all the way to No. 5 was a deal-breaker. “It would have seemed like a cop-out had Werbenjagermanjensen been closer to winning, but given the situation it was the natural choice,” Larry said. Larry, a lifeguard and professional bodybuilder, has been Werbenjagermanjensen’s closest friend for over 15 years and said Werbenjagermanjensen just didn’t have the passion for the popularity contest anymore. The other members of the top five included fan-favorite Gary the Snail in fourth with Spongebob Squarepants and the Flying Dutchman tied for second. However, the real surprise came when it was announced that Squidward Tentacles won by a landslide. “It feels nice to finally be recognized for being better than Spongebob,” Tentacles said. “I’m glad that my neighbors came to their senses and realized I’m not a moron just be-

cause I live in between two.” Tentacles’ sudden spike in popularity was attributed mainly to his all-instrumental hit song “I Hate You Spongebob.” “It’s just a beautiful song,” said Pearl Krabs the whale, a lifelong resident of the area. “The way he artfully mixes the squeaks of his clarinet into the song is masterful.” Werbenjagermanjensen said if there was anyone he had to lose to, he was glad it was Tentacles. Tentacles was who Werbenjagermanjensen preferred because he could be confident Tentacles would not let the standing go to his head. “The guy’s already a narcissist,” Werbenjagermanjensen said. “What’s going to happen, is he going to think he’s better than everyone? He already thought that.” Though Werbenjagermanjensen was not overly melancholic, there was a significant following that protested the results, saying he will always be No. 1. In addition to having a fair number of members, the group also had several well-known protesters, such as Barnacle Boy, King Neptune and even Fish No. 5. “No one can ever replace Smitty,” Neptune said. “He even had a hat declaring his superiority. That kind of class can’t be replicated.” While he was grateful for the continued loyalty, Werbenjagermanjensen has no intentions of going back and will focus solely on bettering Bikini Bottom.

Oswego State's chicken patty is ready for a heavyweight fight against whichever burger or sandwich stands in its way.

CHICKEN PATTY from COVER sandwiches with lots of complicated ingredients,” the manager said. “The chicken patty is simple; bun and patty. Toppings are optional.” Oswego’s chicken patty is the first college food creation to ever make it to the World Food Championships “This is an incredible opportunity for our school,” Oswego State’s president said. “It will really put Oswego State on the map. Not only do we provide students with great educational opportunities, but a unique culinary experience as well.” Patty Meats, the cook who invented Oswego’s chicken patty, will be going to the competition with current dining hall staff and employees to oversee the production of the sandwiches. “I was messing around with some chicken at work one day and I came up with the idea to turn it into a patty, like a chicken burger,” Meats said. “After a lot of trial and error, I came up with the perfect secret recipe. The students loved them immediately. They couldn’t get enough of my chicken patties.” According to Meats, only three other cooks in the history of Oswego know the recipe to the chicken patties. They are the ones in charge of preparing the patties on chicken patty day. One of the cooks, Jim Burger, will be making the trip of over 1,300 miles to

make the patties for the competition. “I’m really excited, but also nervous,” said Burger, who works as a cook at Pathfinder dining hall. “I don’t want to mess up and end up costing Oswego the competition.” One student employee from each dining hall will get to go down to Alabama to help prepare the sandwiches for the competition. The dining halls are holding an employee of the semester contest. The winners from each dining hall will have the opportunity to attend the competition. “I’m really trying to do a good job for the rest of the semester so I can win and go to the competition,” Lakeside dinning hall employee Becca Buns said. Oswego State students are equally excited about the patty's trip to the World Food Championships. "It would be so sick if the chicken patty won at the competition," student Suzzie Fryes said. "The chicken patty is my favorite lunch at Oswego, it's so delicious! I look forward to chicken patty day every month." The Oswegonian and WTOP staff members will be making the trip down to Alabama to cover the patty’s path to victory. Keep up-to-date on all the latest World Food Competition news by following the Oswego chicken patty on Twitter, @OzChickenPatty.

Content featured in The Osweonion is purely fictional; all quotations and details attributed as fact are fabrications and parodies of reality. Any similarity to real persons is merely coincidental.

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Hawkey told 'Get out of arena' Basketball game proves more exciting than Whiteout, earns balluhz rites to Marano Campus Center Arena

Maitiu Moranimal Paperboy guyzguyzguyz@osweonion.com Oswego State has been considered a hockey school since the great Laker program started in 1964. With recent events, this distinction could be changing. Following a stunning announcement earlier this week made by the president and the director of athletics, the Marano Campus Center Arena will no longer be home to ice hockey, but rather to basketball. This comes after a season where the men’s basketball team hosted the Sweet 16 and Elite eight of the Div. III Tournament at Laker Hall. The game between the Lakers and the Fighting Scots of Wooster College was highly attended and many believed the atmosphere there was even better than any Whiteout game in recent history. “Seeing all those kids fill up the gym made us think, ‘What would it be like if we had this over in the arena that holds a lot more people?’” Oswego State athletic director said. Now we will be able to find out what it will be like with this big move. But an even bigger question remains, where will the hockey team play? “We are exploring many options on where the team should play,” said the college’s president. “Of course we know you can’t just put a sheet of ice anywhere.”

GUHLATEE FROM THE BUS!! | BOTTZ'S BACK HAND SAUCE Ignore the blue and gold jerseys in this picture, as well as the names of four other schools not named Oswego...and the words "Lake Placid, N.Y." This is definitely a real picture of Laker Turf Stadium seven months in the future #MartyMcFlyFly fo sho.

Some ideas that have been thrown around are turning Romney Fieldhouse back into a hockey rink. The Lakers played over 40 years in the old barn which many alumni loved as a home rink. “That would make our team so much more gritty,” alum Kevin O’Callaghan said. “These boys don’t know what it’s like to play like the gladiators played back in those days.” Another idea is turning the Turf

Field Stadium into an outdoor rink. No teams play on it during the winter season, so the option is there. The Whiteout game would have a whole new meaning if the teams home ice was on an outer rink. Although students do not seem like they be against it. “I can not feel my face anyway the day of Whiteout games,” super senior Larry Sanders said. “I think having it outside would be dope.” Another idea was to freeze the pool

in Laker Hall. Some people in the athletics department think this option would be ideal. “I mean, if it meant all I have to do is take an elevator ride down from my office to be at the hockey games, I would be all for it,” the sports information director said. “I hate having to make that drive to campus.” Whatever decision is made, it could change the course of history of Laker hockey forever. The MCC arena was

known as one of the best venues in DIII hockey. But now the team may be forced to play on a sheet of of ice outdoors. “We will do our best to accommodate the hockey the best we can.” the college president said. “We know how much history is behind the team and the school, but sometimes change is for the best.” The schedules for boths teams will be released in the summer. So get ready basketball fans. Hockey fans should get ready to possibly bring plenty of layers to school.

Smokin' kush, gettin' lit to be celebrated on campus University Police to begin supporting HIGH life, become even more lackadaisical on enforcing campus weed

Dank Ash Photog | The Osweonion Next time you wanna light up, just stop by University Police and jump in the back seat. The police force has unveiled a new fleet of vehicles with the marijuana plant emblazened on the backside. It is University Police's way of showing its support for the students on campus that enjoy a nice toke now and again.

DUTCH from COVER Resident Assistant Seamus Delario smelled burning marijuana from the corner room of his wing and he then immediately called University Police. After waiting for two hours for University Police to arrive, Delario decided to call University Police again. When Officer Paul Haky arrived to the scene he informed the resident assistant that they are no longer responding to marijuana calls. “Once there is a smell or any indi-

DISCLAIMER

cation of marijuana, it is protocol to call University Police but if University Police doesn’t have our backs, we cannot do our job properly,” Delario, who has had no other marijuana incident reports, said. According to the Office of Residence Life and Housing, there has been a record of 500 reported incidents concerning marijuana this year, yet according to University Police records, there have been only five reported cases. Mary Jane Grinder recalled sitting in her room smoking a fat blunt when

she heard a knock on her door. Scrabbling to hide any remnants of cannabis, she opened the door to find University Police and the on-call resident assistant standing outside her Onondaga Hall suite. The officer asked if she was smoking and when she said no they left. “I honestly couldn’t believe it,” Grinder said. “When they left I looked at myself in the mirror and my eyes were so red. It was obvious that I was so high, but the officer didn’t do anything.”

According to senior Caleb Burnie, it is about time University Police stop caring and go along with the social norms of society. “Thank God,” Burnie said, referring to the change in policy. “I am so happy to think that Oswego is making the right change and shifting more towards a Colorado lifestyle. Oswego is setting a standard that the rest of New York State should follow.” Freshman Sarah Flames does not agree with University Police’s actions and thinks it should indeed enforce

the law, especially when it comes down to affecting the environment and community. “Ever since University Police allowed marijuana, I smell weed every time I walk into my residence hall,” Flames said. “To put it bluntly, they should just do their job and stop finding excuses to not smell what is right under their noses.” University Police will continue to do on and off campus patrols but in terms of gateway drug usage, it will not be giving out any sanctions until further notice.

Content featured in The Osweonion is purely fictional; all quotations and details attributed as fact are fabrications and parodies of reality. Any similarity to real persons is merely coincidental.

Games

PAGE 4?

STAFF EDITORIAL

THE OSWEONION FRIDAY, April 1, 2016

TIME TO FIND A NEW NEWSPAPER

Sudoku >

Since 1935, a busy staff of students has slaved over endless amounts of information and written articles in hopes of informing the surrounding campus and town about events in the area and topics of interest nationwide. The Oswegonian, the student-run newspaper on the Oswego State campus, has been a cornerstone of the campus for 81 years. However, after reviewing the current state of the paper, it is clear either massive changes need to be made or the student body should look into another form of printed media if they want actual information or enjoyment. Beginning with news, the section that informs students with the same amount of speed as a snail on crutches that keeps getting distracted because it is stopping to read its text messages. The topics they write about take place what seems like centuries in the past when a majority of students can just check Yik Yak, the one true future of news reporting when they desire current information. The news editors also carry themselves with the same undeserving ego as a WTOP reporter. Just because you can report the news doesn’t make

you special. Get over yourself. Moving to sports and the inept material they bring into the mix. These people push and push trying to make any sport other than hockey seem like a big deal, when honestly the majority of what they write will only be read by members of the team and their mothers. They also try to shove their way into the locker room like they’re some sort of giddy high school fan boy. If they spent as much time writing as they do getting autographs from the players who are as famous as cubed cheese, maybe they would publish something that could be halfway decent. Moving on to opinion, the stories they typically choose to cover seem to come from the mind of a 15-year-old girl who wants nothing more than to make the world a better place, aka gag worthy material. Opinion is basically the WNYO of the paper because it makes people think, “Oh yeah, that’s a thing.” If it weren’t for the insanity of Donald Trump and the Caucasian dominance in the Oscars this year, they wouldn’t have a leg to stand on. The writers for this section should go back to studying art history, math or whatever

major they decided to drop out of before they decided they wanted to become a writer, because clearly they weren’t meant for this. Laker Review is no better. This section puts as much effort into actually reviewing media as the writer for the horoscopes puts into making sure that what he writes would actually fit the personality of a Leo. The shut-ins who write the reviews should just go back into the dark corners they crawled out from, reload their Netflix streams and watch themselves back into the void. Without the Sudoku puzzle and the crossword in the back, this section wouldn’t even be included in the pile of pages. Anything that would give “Kung Fu Panda 3” or “Goosebumps” a score above a negative one should not be trusted. The Oswegonian is a true display of what happens when you give people with no vision or artistic drive power to create something “original.” The paper manages to scrape by manipulating students into thinking print is a viable industry. Print is dead and this paper is a perfect example of why it should be.

Local DD service gets dat check Dee Buz proves soch media game hella strong, y'all bettur recognize YSAE YREV :YTLUCIFFID

taht os dirg eht ni lliF dna nmuloc ,wor hcae 9-1 sniatnoc kcolb 3x3 .ecno yltcaxe

ot noituloS s’keew siht elzzup ukoduS

reelparteebus | Tweeter.gov

Directions: Find the WORDS. It ain't hard!

Horoscopes by Nagrom Dnaltl a

Al Roker. Steve Levy. Linda Cohn. Oswego D Bus. All of these names are Oswego legends. But they now all have something else in common; they are all Twitter verified. The Oswego D Bus’ Twitter account now has the famous blue check mark next to its username. If a user is to go onto the D Bus Twitter page (@Oswego_D_Bus) they will see this familiar symbol paired with its name. It is a beacon of notoriety, a significant step toward relevance for the bus business, owned by long-time Oswego native Bee Runner. According to the Twitter Help Center on

the Frequently Asked Questions page, the blue check mark, or “badge” as they refer to it, signifies a verified account. The page goes onto read that a verified account is “used to establish authenticity of identities of key individuals and brands on Twitter.” Twitter, a social networking platform founded in 2006, explained what kind of accounts it looks for when “verifying” them. “Twitter verifies accounts on an ongoing basis to make it easier for users to find who they’re looking for,” Twitter said in the third person. “We concentrate on highly sought users in music, acting, fashion, government, politics, religion, journalism, media, sports, business and other key interest areas. We are constantly updating our requirements for verification. Note, verification does not factor in to follower count or tweet count.” Runner is overjoyed about the bus’ Twitter account gaining this kind of recognition. “We’ve really taken great strides in beefing up our social media presence,” Runner said. “We take it upon ourselves to inform the public of both local and national headlines.” Despite its poor grammar, the D Bus also encourages healthy debate from students on Twitter, asking the tough questions such as “where da party at?” and “Burney or Clunton?”

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):

Travis Clark Resident Pooper mugnight@osweonion.com

Congrats on the Oscar win, it was a long time waiting and it practically broke the Internet when you got it. You deserve it, you were the revenant, whatever that means.

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):

Gemini (May 21 - June 21):

Your professors are out to get you. You now have two options, sit back and take it or fight back. Find out where they live, go out on their lawn and challenge them to a duel. That’ll show them.

This is the twin sign. Are you a twin? If you answered no, then you need to go out and find someone and make them be your twin. If you answered yes, you’re all set.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):

Cancer (June 22 - July 22):

Smell life. There are so many things in life that you can smell and if you don’t take the chance to take a whiff, you may never know what you’ve missed out on.

DISCLAIMER

Eat crab. It’s that easy. Will it make you happy? Probably. You won’t know until you try. Also, don’t listen to the Scorpio horoscope, it doesn’t know what it’s talking about.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22): You have a face, skin and a nose. Boom! You’re probably freaking out about how accurately you were just described. The stars know you really well.

Libra (Sep. 23 - Oct. 23): Lick a mirror and jump up and down 4.7 times. If you do that you may one day win the lottery, cure cancer, marry the person of your dreams and be the first person to juggle a cow that is on fire. Sounds pretty good right?

Nothing says don’t mess with me more than getting a scorpion across your face. Watch as people move out of your way and don’t give you any sass. Also, don’t listen to the Cancer horoscope; it’s a flat-out lie.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21): Up, up, down, down, left, left, right, left, A, B, B, A. Did you get your unlimited lives? If not try to reconnect your control or take the cartridge out of the system and blow into it and see if that helps.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):

You should find a man, six foot three, baby blues that shimmer and a sense of humor that pairs with a comedic messiah. Once you find this man, you should either give him a massage, cookies or five dollars, whichever is easier for you.

“I think the D Bus is a really informative source for news and a great outlet for public opinion,” said one frat guy, who was riding it last Friday night after not scoring with his best friend’s ex-girlfriend. The D Bus joined Twitter in 2010 and has built a vast following of Oswego State students since. The D Bus prides itself on being Oswego’s “designated driver,” according to the Twitter bio, bringing students from on and off campus to parties and bars throughout the town with the ease of a phone call. Oswego State students anticipate the arrival of the D Bus when they are standing in the bitter cold in T-shirts or short skirts. Now that the D Bus’ Twitter is verified, students have the added pleasure of knowing they are riding a world-renowned sensation. “I love riding the D,” said a random freshman girl. “I could ride the D all night. I think it’s great that it’s Twitter famous now.” What does the future hold for the D Bus via social media? “We’re going to create a Snapchat and give everyone the password,” said Runner. “We value what these kids got to say. We hope they’ll take advantage of it.” In the meantime, students can take the D Bus’ latest Twitter poll “whose da hoddest ‘Game of Thrones’ chik?”

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): abcdefghijklmno…you know what, just forget it. Do you deserve to have this horoscope? What have you done with your life? Oh, you got an A on that one paper, who cares? Do something, you worthless fluffernutter.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): Watch “Jerry McGuire” tonight and think of a full moon dancing to Adele. If you do this you can have one wish that can be used on anything other than free wishes. Try to use it on free wishes and they will find you.

Content featured in The Osweonion is purely fictional; all quotations and details attributed as fact are fabrications and parodies of reality. Any similarity to real persons is merely coincidental.