ORIGIN COLUMNIST: HILLARY RUBIN
Love. We all want it. We’re all afraid to lose it. We all have moments we don’t feel we deserve it. At times, it seems to vanish. We wonder if love has left us - but it never does.
I grew up in a home where I received few words of affirmation and even fewer comforting touches. Only when I received material gifts— jewelry, clothes, fancy dinners—did I allow myself to feel truly cherished. It took me quite a long time to kick that stubborn belief. Why? As a child, I determined that Attention = LOVE. We decide our view of love at a very young age. Equations like these imprint deeply within us, and carry into adulthood. They manifest as a voice in your head, telling you where to go for love, what to do to avoid pain, or how to make someone love you; but that voice isn’t leading you the right way anymore. It’s real, but there’s nothing wrong with you. Awareness is the first step.
For me, Love was a currency. In my early twenties I found love in beauty—fashion, to be exact. I covered up my pain with lipstick and high heels. I landed a PR job at Prada and thought the prestige and clothes would make me easier to love. Crazy cakes right? I know, but it’s true. It was winter of 1996, and my body wasn’t feeling right. There was a tingle in my left shoulder, my legs were numb, and so were my feet. As I realized something was seriously wrong with my body, love disappeared again. I worried fear had
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kicked it out forever. But a diagnosis opened love’s door. I remember sitting in cold doctor’s office and hearing, “You have Multiple Sclerosis.” Insert: hate, blame, shame, certainty my boyfriend was going to leave me... ...but I was wrong. He loved me more, and led me through those first dark days with courage, love and complete support. I began to experience a love I had never known. Not pity, but a “I’m here by your side. We’ll do whatever we can” kind of love. And that’s what happened. Though my thoughts of shame, blame or unworthiness didn’t disappear overnight, I began to let go. Gently. Today, that boyfriend is in my past. I’m married to an amazing man who loves me, and has helped me to accept, love, and be loved—with all parts of me. He’s showed me I can use my shortcomings or limitations as fuel to radically accept myself. The path to loving yourself has no end point—it’s a deep and lifelong process. What’s not to love? What is it that makes you feel unlovable? What needs to change before you can start receiving? If you’re not sure what steps to take, here are a few exercises that helped me on my journey.
1. Take 10 minutes each day to be quiet, and listen to the sound of your heartbeat. Focus. Hear your soul in your breath. 2. Write a love letter to yourself. Mail it. 3. Look into your eyes in the mirror and say out loud, “I love you.” 4. List out your challenges, fears and tribulations. Then read each one aloud, ending every item with, “I love you (your name).” 5. Give at least 3 hugs a day. Real hugs. Whenever you’re not feeling loved, close your eyes, feel your breath and know that the universe is loving you into life. On your exhale, say, “Thank you, I love you too!” Leave a note at my website, and tell me what you’re loving about YOU! May you love yourself as much as the universe.
Hillary Rubin is the creator of the DVD Yoga Foundations, the podcast Hillary’s Yoga Practice, and has been featured in Yoga Journal, Fit Yoga, LA Times, LA Yoga, The Independent, Yoga International, The Los Angeles Times, & on Fit TV. Through 1-on-1 coaching programs, she offers spiritual Life Design with a street-smart edge for women who are ready to stop licking their wounds and start living their lives. Check her out: www.hillaryrubin.com