LOWERING THE BOOM
IAN LOWE
NATIONAL COUNCIL
Sandstones stealing Tam U’s pioneering tricks of the trade I
can almost hear the chorus of groans from around the country as readers flick through the last issue of Advocate for the year and realise to their horror that I have again made my annual visit to Cal D’Aria, the irrepressible Vice-Chancellor, president and now also ‘supreme leader’ of Tamworth University. Unusually, I found him looking gloomy. ‘Most of our innovations have been pinched by the old universities’, Cal moaned. ‘One by one they are stealing our ideas’. Tam U pioneered the technique of ushering full fee-paying overseas students seamlessly through their degrees regardless of the quality of work submitted. ‘Now I hear the practice is becoming widespread’, he said. ‘We thought up the wheeze of Masters degrees on the cheap by letting students count undergraduate courses, and now other places are copying us. Where’s their ethics?’, he exploded. Cal had looked forward to the Knight Review, which he saw as a London, Cranfield and now a so-called Torrens University. And the game-changer. ‘He’s a former politician, so he knew what he had to Commonwealth has agreed to let them play the migration scam. say. He’ll restore the backdoor immigration scam’ Cal said. Well, Cal With the State Government subsidising those competitors, how can was right, but the problem is that the report drew other universities’ Tamworth get a look in? We’ve had a shop in Rundle Mall for years, attention to the opportunities. ‘We should have had an advantage but business is terrible.’ with the cheapest and quickest qualifications to bypass the immigraAs always, though, Cal had more cards up his sleeve. ‘The Opposition queue’, he said. ‘But the older providers are onto that lurk like a tion Leader, this Mr Rabbit bloke, with a name like that he has to dog on a chop’. Sadly, he concluded, be sympathetic to the bush. And the revival looks like benefiting the he really wants to put one over Tam U pioneered replacing academic staff older universities more than the Tony Windsor, our local member.’ feisty little Tamworth outfit. So Cal’s trump card is to offer the and formal teaching sessions with banks There was more bad news. Tam Opposition Leader an honorary of PowerPoint slides years ago. ‘We were U pioneered replacing academic doctorate. ‘A doctorate of laws doing it when the old universities thought staff and formal teaching sessions would be appropriate, I reckon’, Powerpoint was where you plugged in with banks of PowerPoint slides he chuckled. ‘He’ll really doctor years ago. ‘We were doing it when the laws if he gets in!’ the OHP’, Cal chuckled. But now even the the old universities thought PowCal believes this will give him sandstones are being told that the young erpoint was where you plugged the jump on the older universistudents are ‘digital natives who grew up in the OHP’, Cal chuckled. But now ties. ‘No place with students can online’ and being urged to change their even the sandstones are being told risk having him on the campus’, that the young students are ‘digCal said. ‘There would be a stuapproach. ital natives who grew up online’ dent riot over his climate change and being urged to change their denial and his nonsense about approach. stopping the boats. I heard one of the vice-chancellors say they had Just a few weeks ago, The Australian warned the old universities built an Abbott-proof fence to keep him away! But since we got stuthat if they ‘insist on using models that do not suit the market, prodents off our campus a few years ago, so we can invite anyone we viders happy to give the customers what they want will emerge’. like.’ That’s really giving the game away, Cal reckons. ‘We worked out With a spring back in his step, Cal told me about his industryyears ago that the students just want to be spoonfed what they funded Christmas present to the University, Santa’s Fracking Chair need to get their qualifications, given the stuff online so they don’t of Coal Seam Gas. ‘We’ll have a real fracking professor’, he said. He have to turn up at a campus, get A’s regardless of how shonky their left me and bounced off to talk with the country music festival work is and get doctorates by ticking the boxes’, he fumed. ‘Now a about endowing a Slim Dusty Chair of Music. newspaper is spilling the beans. Next thing we know they’ll all be ‘It’s the logical follow-up to the pub with no beer – we’re the hub doing it.’ with no gear!’, he concluded. Until next year Cal, you’re always an The last straw for Cal was when the South Australian Premier, inspiration! A just days before being taken out the back and monstered by the Ian Lowe is Emeritus Professor of Science, Technology and Society factional power-brokers, smoothed the path for a rival private uniat Griffith University. versity. ‘There’s now a heap of them in Adelaide’, Cal complained. ‘Carnegie Pumpkin or something, one of the bits of the University of NOVEMBER 2011 www.nteu.org.au
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