The genie said “Your wish is my command.“ and poof the man turned into a toilet... If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic? I‘m not an alcoholic - alcoholics go to meetings. I‘m a drunk, we go to parties... You say alcoholic, I‘ll say alcohol enthusiast…
Divine intercession
As the story goes, the musician was down on his knees begging God for help: “Oh, God you gotta help me get this gig at the House of Blues. It means everything to me. If I don’t get this gig at the House of Blues, I will have to quit my career as a musician and take that office job. And you know how I HATE computers! Oh God, if you can just get me this one show at the House of Blues, I promise I’ll go to church every Sunday, stop cheatin’ on my wife and give up drugs...I promise Lord. Just then the phone rang and his agent informed him that the HOB gig is not going to happen. However, he got him booked at the Hollywood Bowl, opening for a benefit concert for diabetes, featuring Tom Petty, John Mellencamp and Sheryl Crow! The musician quickly composed himself and said, “…never mind God, I just got a much better gig, thanks anyway…” Q.: What do you call a person who plays the viola? A.: A violator... Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower end of the scale. She was known as the deep C diva... Q.: What‘s the difference between a saxophone and a husband? A.: A saxophone makes sound when you blow it... Madonna is to music as Wonder is to bread: light, fluffy, filled with air and totally tasteless... The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF). These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, North Carolina, Tennessee, Louisiana, Texas and West Virginia boys will be dropped into the desert and will be given the following facts about Terrorists: 1. The season opened today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don‘t like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt. This mess in the middle east should be over within a week… Q.: What‘s the difference between a banjo and a cattle grid? A.: You drive slowly over the cattle grid... A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can‘t play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin‘ it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. “Ha!“ the Scot says. “Can‘t you play it?“ The octopus looks up at him and says, “Play it? I‘m going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off…“ A newlywed redneck couple arrive at their hotel to begin their honeymoon. The manager greets them and says “I see you‘re newlyweds! ... I can give you the Bridal…“ to which the husband replies “No thanks, I‘ll just hold onto her ears until she gets the hang of it…“ In the men‘s bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows...he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, “I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean.“ The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, “I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious.“ The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, “I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to piss on our hands…” A man walking on a beach say a bottle, picked it up, rubbed it, and poof a genie came out and said “Master I will give you two wishes.“ The man thought for a while and said “I wish I could be hard all the time and get all the ass I want.“
Share your jokes with our readers Please send your jokes to Own Worst Enemies, Nightflying, P.O. Box 82, Perry, AR 72125, or email to worst@nightflying.com. All letters and emails must be signed and have a verifiable return address and phone number. Those jokers that insult our publisher or staff will make their writers subject to our ridicule in print. Schmucks that upset us will probably have their home addresses published in the paper, and quite possibly written on sleazy rest area bathroom walls... 52
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NIGHTFLYING • HARVEST • 2013
A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars. The man asked, “Will you buy booze?“ The bum replied, “No.“ Then the man asked, “Will you gamble it away?“ The bum said, “No.“ Then the man asked the bum, “Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn‘t drink or gamble?“ A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?“ The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!” The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?“ Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, “Give the ballerina another drink!” The bartender approached the little drunk and said, “I say, old chap, it‘s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?“ “As far as I‘m concerned,“ the drunk replied, “any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina…”
Bragging rights
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee when one of the Catholic men tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father‘.“ The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace‘.“ The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence‘.“ The fourth Catholic man then says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness‘.“ Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well....?“ She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24“ waist and 34“ hips. When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh - My - God…“ A man doing market research for Vaseline contacted a young mother of three and asked: “Have you ever used our product?“ She says, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.“ “And if you don‘t mind me asking, what do you use it for?“ “We use it for sex.“ The researcher was a little surprised; “Usually people lie say that they use it on a child‘s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, we know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you‘ve been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?“ The woman says, “I don‘t mind telling you at all... We put it on the door knob to keep the kids out.…’” A woman went to a doctor and said, “doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.“ The doctor said “oh really, what have you been doing for it?” The woman replied, “snorting pepper...“ You‘re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
Nightflying Fruitcake Recipe Just in time for the holidays You‘ll need the following: A cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey. Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it‘s the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another cup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of saltm or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don‘t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey. Check the oven and wishkey every 5 doneness for minutes...