Issue 49B (April Fool's version)
The Penguin, a monthly newspaper, is run entirely by current students and recent graduates of the New England Conservatory in Boston, MA.
*THE ADMINISTRATION ASSUMES ALL RESPONSIBILITY IMPECCABLE GRAMMER AND SPELING IN THIS ISSUE. FOR THE the penguin NEC’S ISSUE 49B ADMINISTRATION-APPROVED APRIL 1, 2013 NEWSPAPER WWW.NECPENGUIN.COM THE PENGUIN RETURNS TO ITS ROOTS! BY DEAN SUZANNE HEGLAND Some of you may have noticed that NEC’s beloved stu- I am thrilled to announce the return of dent newspaper has recently fallen on hard times. former editor, Anne Gregory, who is mandated with Serious journalism has been rereturning the Penguin to its placed by a fancy new layout with intellectual rigor. “I intend splashy colors and high-resolution to insist on MLA-formatted foot photography, turning our esteemed notes for all articles,” the monthly broadsheet into just anDuchess of Editorial Authority other flashy tabloid. confirmed, adding, “I look for As faculty editor, it is my ward to contributing my editorial job to restore the Penguin to its prowess with The Penguin over the prior grandeur before this publicanext several decades.” tion loses all credibility. After Her Excellency will also eschew a lengthy and tearful meeting, I any attempt at what she refers have accepted the resignation of to as “the bells and whistles of our current editor, Kate Lemmon. technology.” Not only will the “I don’t know what I was thinkPenguin return to its stately ing,” Kate confessed. “The power black and white theme, “we will of technology must have gone to my only use courier font,” the Chanhead.” Kate and her camera are in cellor of All Things Formatted the midst of divorce proceedings, announced, noting, “if it was while she and her cuckolded flute good enough for the classic IBM continue to work on their issues Selectric typewriter, it’s good in couples therapy. enough for The Penguin.” WWW.NECPENGUIN.COM IF ONLY: A PENGUIN FOLLOW-UP Positive response from students to the February article “Elevate Me” was overwhelming, and it is with great joy that NEC announces a plan to replace the current Jordan Hall elevators with faster, energyefficient models. A motion to renovate the existing system was made at an open forum in early March and met with tremendous opposition from administration, who cited a lack of priority. This is not surprising, as most administrative offices are on the first floor. After an agonizingly slow ritual with many ups and downs, the motion carried. Building operations has outlined a preliminary plan to include: • Luggage requirements. Pianists will only be permitted to carry only one music bag and one coffee cup free of charge. Seriously, unless you pack your own tuning tools this is not unreasonable. • Express Run during peak lesson times: MondayWednesday from 11:30AM-4:00PM BY STEPHEN GARMAN • Shorter door delays. No More “2-minute hold the door” • Speakers and music. NEC recordings, especially CI recordings, are expressly forbidden. March’s ‘Green’ issue of was similarly wellreceived by Building Operations, which has decided to recycle the existing elevators with the new 33 Gainsborough building upon the completion of those renovations. The new system will run significantly more efficiently with the help of newer technology. To do so, however, will require slightly more maintenance. The money saved through energy efficiency will be funneled to the work-study program to pay a student to oil the motors at least once a day and before predicted periods of heavy usage. 6-8 hours a week. Slight preference will be given to trombonists. COUGHING BETWEEN MOVEMENTS: A PENGUIN PUBLIC SERVCE ANNOUNCEMENT An epidemic is rapidly sweeping across our nation. You can hear it in every concert hall in America—the cacophony of coughing roaring over silence like when a bucket of red paint is spilled all over a blank canvas. This epidemic is getting serious, and I know the cause: concertgoers are obviously allergic to the silence between movements. During the introduction of a symphony, barely coughs are let out. The same can be said for the exposition. Only a couple utterances of throat-clearing can be heard throughout the development, and a couple of coughs echo from the balconies during the recap, but as soon as the conductor drops his hands and the orchestra puts their instruments down to take a breather between rounds of a symphonic battle, the entire audience is overcome with an allergy attack that may last upwards of several seconds. It seems as if this coughing is contagious; within mere moments, it spreads through the entire concert hall. So what is the cause of the allergic reactions BY ANONYMOUS of America’s concertgoers? Scientists at MIT look to solve the crisis soon by running a series of tests at BSO concerts on samples of air taken from before, during, and in-between movements of the concerts to identify the allergen. The scientists eventually hope to take measures to remove the cause of all the coughing. In the meantime, should we find temporary solutions? Running the concerts without pauses could alleviate the issue, and may even correct it entirely. Perhaps concert halls should make over-the-counter allergy medicines readily available during performances. Or maybe the concert halls of America should invest in better air filtration systems. Finally, the BSO and other performing groups WWW.NECPENGUIN.COM should consider ridding their programs of multi-movement works entirely. Do we have to give up Beethoven, Mahler and Brahms for concerts filled to the brim with overtures, Don Juan and La Valse? We just may have to take this risk, for the health of our audience. DON’T DESPAIR, BURGER KING IS STILL THERE! a special story by Thegourmetoboist It is impossible to walk through the halls of NEC without hearing students lamenting change. As students, we complain about everything! We are no longer allowed to use the St. Botolph basement entrance or enter a building without scanning our ids. ERC is now Pavement and the Bistro has new furniture. The concerts do not always appear on Instant Encore anymore and Jordan Winds has become Symphonic Winds. Oh, and let’s not forget that Benjamin Zander will never conduct an NEC orchestra again. While these are all traumatic events in the mind of the student, the change that we just can’t bear to think about is that our beloved Burger King has become a Panera. Lament no longer my friends! This reporter has received word of a secret Burger King operating within said Panera! That’s right. Burger King executives have decided that they don’t want to be held responsible for any more health issues among the people who consume large quantities of their food (which by the way, has absolutely no nutritional value and is potentially toxic to its DEAN HEGLAND, FACULTY EDITOR predator). The head of the company, Terry Dion (who also happens to be the manager of Bistro 33) told this reporter that she would only serve Burger King food to people who possess magical ability to combat the risks of her food. Luckily, every student at NEC possesses the magic of music, and when Dion realized this, she agreed to give this reporter the information on how to access this undercover Burger King. She also promised a choice of 20 secret practice rooms for any customer who spends 40 dollars or more. This is how you do it: Enter Panera, go downstairs and stand in front of the fireplace for 30 seconds. Then say the password: “Pick up the mallets!” The fireplace will swing open to reveal the secret entrance of the lost Burger King we all know and love. So the next time you have a break, hop across the street and enjoy that Whopper you’ve been craving all year… | ANNE GREGORY, EDITOR