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*THE ADMINISTRATION ASSUMES ALL RESPONSIBILITY IMPECCABLE GRAMMER AND SPELING IN THIS ISSUE. FOR THE the penguin NEC’S ISSUE 49B ADMINISTRATION-APPROVED APRIL 1, 2013 NEWSPAPER WWW.NECPENGUIN.COM THE PENGUIN RETURNS TO ITS ROOTS! BY DEAN SUZANNE HEGLAND Some of you may have noticed that NEC’s beloved stu- I am thrilled to announce the return of dent newspaper has recently fallen on hard times. former editor, Anne Gregory, who is mandated with Serious journalism has been rereturning the Penguin to its placed by a fancy new layout with intellectual rigor. “I intend splashy colors and high-resolution to insist on MLA-formatted foot photography, turning our esteemed notes for all articles,” the monthly broadsheet into just anDuchess of Editorial Authority other flashy tabloid. confirmed, adding, “I look for As faculty editor, it is my ward to contributing my editorial job to restore the Penguin to its prowess with The Penguin over the prior grandeur before this publicanext several decades.” tion loses all credibility. After Her Excellency will also eschew a lengthy and tearful meeting, I any attempt at what she refers have accepted the resignation of to as “the bells and whistles of our current editor, Kate Lemmon. technology.” Not only will the “I don’t know what I was thinkPenguin return to its stately ing,” Kate confessed. “The power black and white theme, “we will of technology must have gone to my only use courier font,” the Chanhead.” Kate and her camera are in cellor of All Things Formatted the midst of divorce proceedings, announced, noting, “if it was while she and her cuckolded flute good enough for the classic IBM continue to work on their issues Selectric typewriter, it’s good in couples therapy. enough for The Penguin.” WWW.NECPENGUIN.COM IF ONLY: A PENGUIN FOLLOW-UP Positive response from students to the February article “Elevate Me” was overwhelming, and it is with great joy that NEC announces a plan to replace the current Jordan Hall elevators with faster, energyefficient models. A motion to renovate the existing system was made at an open forum in early March and met with tremendous opposition from administration, who cited a lack of priority. This is not surprising, as most administrative offices are on the first floor. After an agonizingly slow ritual with many ups and downs, the motion carried. Building operations has outlined a preliminary plan to include: • Luggage requirements. Pianists will only be permitted to carry only one music bag and one coffee cup free of charge. Seriously, unless you pack your own tuning tools this is not unreasonable. • Express Run during peak lesson times: MondayWednesday from 11:30AM-4:00PM BY STEPHEN GARMAN • Shorter door delays. No More “2-minute hold the door” • Speakers and music. NEC recordings, especially CI recordings, are expressly forbidden. March’s ‘Green’ issue of was similarly wellreceived by Building Operations, which has decided to recycle the existing elevators with the new 33 Gainsborough building upon the completion of those renovations. The new system will run significantly more efficiently with the help of newer technology. To do so, however, will require slightly more maintenance. The money saved through energy efficiency will be funneled to the work-study program to pay a student to oil the motors at least once a day and before predicted periods of heavy usage. 6-8 hours a week. Slight preference will be given to trombonists.

Issue 49B (April Fool's version)

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