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Comedian Hannibal Buress performs at Emerald Lounge on Sunday, Sept. 2. Find out more at www.DisclaimerComedy.com (and you should follow us on Twitter at @AVLDisclaimer).

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Briefs

LaZoom Tours’ Sister Bad Habit seen purchasing new bike bell, helmet, sensible black shoes, condoms, whiskey, gas station rose tube Asheville considers changing slogan to ‘Angouleme of the Charente Department of the South’ Local woman rushed to drug dealer’s house after accidental under-dose GoTopless.org protest in downtown Asheville causes 14 percent increase in nipple-to-noodle contact at Doc Chey’s following rally Due to diminished crowds at downtown topless rally, 2013 topless rally moved to local high school senior’s basement ‘My parents are going to Atlanta for the weekend, but they said I could have a topless rally while they’re gone’

The Asheville Disclaimer is parody/satire. Contact tomscheve@gmail.com Twitter: @AvlDisclaimer Fennis Swinethrob, Tom Vinson, Anonymous Contributor, Tom Scheve.

Local Politics

County Commissioner Peterson pines for Log Cabin Democrats

ASHEVILLE, MONDAY — After being roundly criticized for her vote against discrimination protections for LGBT County employees, County Commissioner Carol Peterson sat down with reporters to lament the absence of a strong Log Cabin Democrat group. “The Republicans have their gays who don’t want to get married or have health insurance or be protected from discrimination,” the two-term commissioner said, “but in the Democratic Party they’re all ‘I want to be treated equally’ and calling me a homophobe. I think I’m standing up for the silent majority of gays who understand that they don’t deserve the same rights as those of us who are fruitful and multiplying.” Lars Fletchson, Chairman of Log Cabin Republicans, responded to the Commissioners’ 3-2 decision. “I’m proud to see Democrats stand up for denying rights to gay people,” said Fletchson. “The Democrat Party is being held hostage by homo-guerrillas who can’t see past their own narrow interests in being treated like human beings.” Asked about why there is no Log

Due to her stance against LGBT discrimination protections, Commisioner Peterson was forced to find a new hair stylist.

Cabin Democrat group, Fletchson said, “I guess their gays just aren’t gay enough to understand that equality is a minor issue compared to important things like denying birth control to breeders.”

City of Asheville to hold Nov. 6 referendum on sale/transfer of water system Revised text of the city’s proposed water referendum

“Shall the City of Asheville undertake the sale or lease of its water treatment system and water distribution system?” “If so, shall the City of Asheville wave its fist in the air when its water treatment/ distribution system is forcibly removed from its authority by Rep. Tim Moffitt regardless of the referendum outcome?”

34 AUGUST 29 - SEPTEMBER 4, 2012 • mountainx.com

“Shall the City of Asheville apologize to Rep. Tim Moffitt for the excessive wait time he experienced as a youth on a city-owned playground slide which is the source of his simmering animosity toward the City of Asheville?” “Shall the City of Asheville cede control to a regional authority of the tiny white flag of surrender after it has been waved?”

Culture

Following PED investigation, literary association strips Poe of legacy BALTIMORE, TUESDAY — The Modern Language Association (MLA), America’s leading association for professional scholars of language and literature, has vacated the work of Edgar Allan Poe due to his use of performance-enhancing drugs. A research team from the organization studied his diaries at length and determined that the famed Gothic author was using some mind-altering substance nearly every time he wrote. “Poe was clearly under the influence of either alcohol or laudanum each time he settled down to write. This gave him a clear advantage over Melville and Hawthorne, his closest competitors, when it came to writing from the imagination,” charged Dr. F. R. Tillyard, leader of the research team. The MLA supported the findings and has declared Poe, unlike disPoe’s literary legacy null graced cyclist Lance Armstrong, and void. broke a sweat “We’re sorry to have never through exertion in to do this, but henceforth his lifetime, but will when a student reads ‘The forevermore have a Tell-Tale Heart’ or ‘Mur- tarnished legacy. ders in the Rue Morgue,’ there will be an asterisk next to the title with a footnote indicating a diminition in Poe’s reputation,” said Tillyard. “Furthermore, scholars writing about Poe will no longer be allowed to use the word ‘inspired.’” MLA took a similar action last year against Samuel Taylor Coleridge, who wrote his poem “Kubla Khan” under the influence of opium.

Doping experts believe Poe masked his use of PEDs with neat, clean handwriting.


Mountain Xpress, August 29 2012