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asheville disclaimer Without Fancy or Favor
Briefs Michael Douglas: ‘No regrets’ that throat cancer originated with wife’s HPV infection Chlamydial face rash, eyelid herpes ‘kind of a downer, though’
This week in science
Discoveries & Advancements 150 BC: Seleucus of Seleucia articulated lunar cause of tides, and then beat the hell out of a guy who was pretending to have a particularly spitty lisp in order to mock him. 915 AD: Muhammad ibn Zakariyā Rāzī refuted Aristotelian “classical elements” theory with his landmark thesis, entitled “Duh!” 1371: Nicole Oresme described the curvature of light through atmospheric refraction, while his dinner date slowly drifted from consciousness. 1494: Luca Pacioli codified the double entry bookkeeping system, after a few drinks with two old friends from college during an unforgettable night in Venice. 1600: William Gilbert proved the existence of Earth’s magnetic field, and thereafter used the word “encompass” in his every spoken sentence. 1781: William Herschel announces discovery of Uranus, and the initial rush of shame associated with the discovery. 1796: Georges Cuvier establishes extinction as a fact, by killing his last detractor. 1827: Georg Ohm loudly declares Ohm’s law of electricity during incident involving experimental autoerotic electrical equipment.
Food & Exploitation
New food truck makes debut downtown
Asheville, MondAy — Asheville foodies were excited this week to learn a new food truck is prowling the streets of downtown serving up sensational sensationalism. “We re-heat nonnews and serve it up fresh,” said Jeff Marks, executive chef at Starlink. “We will leave you full of nonsense, but delightfully uninformed.” The Starlink food truck travels around to events around the South, such as topless protests and triple homicides. “If there is something ridiculous or tragic, we like to be on the scene serving up hot WPBJ’s,” said Marks.
Long-time downtown sensationalism vendors welcome the competition. “No number of news-slingers will leave the public feeling fully informed,” said Julie Fries, who runs the WLOS food truck. “There’s enough hype to go around.”
TRUE BROMANCE A weekly advice column for bros Dear True Bromance, Me and my numero-uno bro moved in together six months ago. It was a significant step in our bro-hood but we are super-tight bros. He’s my boy, and I’m his boy. Becoming homeboys seemed like a natural next move. Our time together has been one big fist-bump. Recently, we began working in the same restaurant. In the beginning, our bro-hood was the envy of bros and non-bros. We were bro-ing so hard. I would start a Dre lyric, and he would finish it; he would start a Reservoir Dogs quote, and I would tell him what “Like a Virgin” is about. After a few weeks though, I began to notice that after we got to the neighbrohood from work at night, he was retiring to his bedroom, the Snake Hole Lounge. What the whoa, bro, I thought to myself because I didn’t have a bro around to hear me say it. I thought this would pass, but it’s only gotten worse. We are barely even cousins at this point, let alone bros. What the whoa? — Fist Bump-less
28 JUNE 12 - JUNE 18, 2013 • mountainx.com
Yo Fist-Bumpless Bro, Wh-wh-what? This is a common problem between bros who bro too hard at home and work and bar patios all over town. There is such a thing as too much bro-ing. Ask any of my ATO bros at the next alumni weekend. I don’t normally say this, but maybe you two need to bro-down. I bet you are working the same shifts (totally norm), so maybe try working different shifts. Bring back the bromance, bro. There is such a thing as too much bro. Spend a little time apart and you’ll be pretending to be sexually attracted to each other for one another’s amusement in no time. Trust.
Golf & Racial Relations News
Country club association decries recent rash of racial gaffes PAlM BeAch GArdens, TuesdAy — The Association of Country Club Owners has voiced its disapproval of recent remarks by golf professionals, most notably Sergio Garcia’s offer of fried chicken to Tiger Woods, and European Tour CEO George O’Grady’s insistence that many of Garcia’s friends are “colored.” Howard Faubus of the ACCO was livid when he spoke of the gaffes. “These guys simply do not understand the country club code! How many times have we said in our organizational newsletter that when you speak about non-Caucasian people, you use the term “caddies” and then wink? We’ve been over this and over this! Leave it to a Spaniard to screw this up. Now we have to do PR work for years to come!” Faubus went on to explain that the code has existed for many years and should be learned in the clubhouse over martinis and finger sandwiches. “Let me give you a time-tested example: ‘You can’t get good help these days’ actually means ‘Caddies don’t know their place anymore,’ but the word “help” cannot necessarily be construed as racial,” said Faubus. “ACCO has done its best to codify this but there clearly is more work to be done.” Faubus’ outrage was shared by his wife Scarlett O’Hara-Faubus. “It’s time we started living in the 21st century,” said O’Hara-Faubus. “I can tell you now, some of my best friends are mulattos and quadroons.”
Asheville Disclaimer is parody/satire Contact: tomscheve@gmail.com
Twitter: @AVLdisclaimer Contributing this week: Joe Shelton, Fennis Swinethrob, Tom Scheve