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Find upcoming stand-up comedy events in Asheville at and follow us on Twitter at @AVLDisclaimer. Keeping it Unreal Since 2002 Daily Festival roundup Briefs State Rep. Tim Moffitt introduces bill to remove paving from WNC roads, smash into filler rock, sell to 1st non-WNC bidder Local man at sentencing hearing tells judge he regrets not taking year off between high school and Clown College Using nothing but coat hangers, local woman makes amazing handmade replica of head massager Breast Cancer in the Park event promotes Zumba awareness Talented young strangler from Boston only kills when upset that best moniker already taken Russia’s Putin says West on the decline Putin, West awaiting DJ Pauly D’s response Correction Correction: Last week’s Mountain Xpress cover story featured two Asheville Police Department detectives who were described as “cold case detectives.” The detectives are actually not “cold case detectives,” but rather just standard homicide detectives. The cases were “hot” when assigned to them, and then cooled over time in their care. Smell • Side-step • Disengage • Crowd-sweat • Inhale a new friend’s exhale • Downtown Asheville F.A.Q. Q. Hi! I’m coming to Asheville for at the end of the month, and I was wondering if I should spend part, or even all, of my time at Bele Chere arguing with a street preacher. I know just what to say to get through to one of those guys and change their minds. Thanks! Grimace and wince • Learn to loathe Bele Chere is the hottest FREE scorching-hot arts-andmusic street festival in the long, hot history of the Southeast (not counting Sherman’s March to the Sea) Great art, music, food, and beer come to the streets of downtown Asheville each summer in a singular form: a soggy funnel cake rescued from the gutter by an eagleeyed shirtless gutter steward bobbing his head to the beat. This year: • Discover a cool new band and then bitch about why they weren’t selected to play at Bele Chere. • Find the perfect piece of art, and make a big show of not stealing it while the vendor is looking. • Sample some local cuisine, such as fried ice cream or a giant lemonade. • Enjoy a microbrew – hell, enjoy a macrobrew. You only live once, and you should live as hard as you can at Bele Chere because Bele Chere only comes around every year and maybe next year you’ll be dead. Nobody knows. But everybody is thinking it. The festival began in 1979 as a collaboration between post-apocalyptic merchants who eked out a living selling survivalist knives from their covered (station) wagons to patrons exiting what was then the Fine Arts Adult Theatre on Biltmore Avenue. Their 32 JULY 25 - JULY 31, 2012 • vision was to revitalize the downtown business district with street preachers and shirtless morons. They realized their vision in the form of a street festival. The name “Bele Chere” was chosen, after not consulting anyone who spoke French or had access to a French-to-English dictionary. The name derives from an ancient Scottish dialect and means “Beautiful Living” and not “Hillbilly Street Spewing” we’ve convinced ourselves and others ever since. Over the past 34 years, downtown Asheville has returned as the main attraction and epicenter for the sake of our local restaurants, galleries, stores, and theatres and their desperate need to close on Bele Chere weekend. The businesses that exist in the now-thriving downtown that Bele Chere helped bring about are all but required to close down during Bele Chere; the irony is not lost on them, but the sales receipts are. Thanks to Bele Chere, Asheville’s downtown is now the envy of cities from around the nation, especially those crybabies in Dalton, Georgia and also the sad-sacks in Suckville, Tennessee. A. First, accept that you are going to hell. That sense of acceptance will be the only sense of acceptance encouraged by the street preachers at Bele Chere. You can change a mind, but not a feeble-minded interpretation of scripture. Passers-by find your public protests against the preacher to be as amusing as the preaching itself. Familiarity breeds contempt however, and the passing of time brings about an equal amount of public disdain for both the preacher and the preacher’s protesters. The important thing to understand is that the preachers are attempting to goad you into attacking them, spitting on them, or nailing them to the cross they’re already conveniently carrying through the streets before standing the cross on end while the rest of us pour vinegar down the preacher’s throat. And how we’d like to! But this is all being recorded for posterity by the street preacher’s street-non-preaching associates, and the more you attack them, the more they feel they are doing the Lord’s work on YouTube. Better yet, there are some friendly, well-mannered Jewish rabbis just further down the block who would love to have a cup of coffee with you, play a little chess, and chat. The Asheville Disclaimer is parody/satire. Contact Twitter: @AvlDisclaimer Contributing this week: Michele Scheve, Tom Scheve.

Mountain Xpress, July 25 2012

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