Mountain Xpress, July 18 2012
Independent news, arts, events and information for Asheville and Western North Carolina.
JULY 18 - JULY 24, 2012 • mountainx.com 40 Find upcoming stand-up comedy events in Asheville at www.DisclaimerComedy.com and follow us on Twitter at @AVLDisclaimer. The Asheville Disclaimer is parody/satire. Contact firstname.lastname@example.org Twitter: @AvlDisclaimer Contributing this week: Michele Scheve, Tom Scheve. ‘Hotter Than Haiti 10K’ announced for Aug. 11 Beneﬁt will raise money for nations hotter than Haiti Though visibly disappointed, Haiti takes news in stride Local man drums up media interest in unsolved arson of Thomas Wolfe Memorial, thus becoming primary suspect Briefs Award Applicant Q. Hi! Me and a bunch of other dudes are going to visit down- town Asheville this weekend. We live in a ru- ral area, so we weren’t sure if we should wear shirts or not while we’re downtown. Do men generally walk around wearing shirts in downtown Asheville, or is it okay to scream “Whoo-hoo!” while walking in the street shirtless with your shirtless friends? Thanks! A. Hi, and we look forward to your visit to down- town Asheville! You’ll ﬁnd plenty to do here, es- pecially when you and your companions are all wearing shirts. Many visitors from rural areas are confused about this matter, and for good reason. Many of our male friends and neighbors from outlying counties maintain a sense of personal style and public decorum similar to that of a res- cue dog a week before the rescue. To be clear, wear a shirt to downtown Asheville, and try to keep it on. While it may need to come off during a heated argument or just to look cool, you’re actually better off keeping your shirt on. (Ditto pants and shoes, BTW.) Otherwise you look ridiculous and other men and women will mock you mercilessly on the streets of downtown Asheville and nobody will want to mate with you. I know what you’re thinking: “They WILL want to mate with me, my shirt if OFF!” But no, no they will not. What if it’s daytime? What if it’s nighttime? Many wonder this same thing. Here’s a good rule of thumb: wear a shirt while downtown at all times. Always, always wear a shirt downtown, just like the people around you! Welcome! Why does Demo- cratic congressional candidate Patsy Keever have so much trouble describing her level of support for President Obama? Her quotes seem all muddled up whenever the subject comes up, and 10th Congressional Dis- trict voters need to know: Does Keever “support” or “endorse” this president? Clearly, she doesn’t know her own congressional district (NC-10) very well. The 10th Congressional District expects transparency, not whatever it is Keever is serving up. First, she tells one local paper she will vote for Obama but NOT endorse him. Then she tells another local paper that the ﬁrst local paper misconstrued HER statement. That’s NOT the kind of leadership we expect from the 10th Congressio- nal District. “Mountains/Foothills Val- ues” means something around these redrawn parts, and Keever’s fast and loose ﬂip-ﬂopping on important issues just doesn’t sit right with a lot of hard- working, honest, plain-spoken, simple but fascinating families from one arbi- trary border of the 10th Congressional District to another. You know how it is with Patsy Keever: One day, you’re reading, “Asheville’s Patsy Keever won’t endorse Obama,” and suddenly next thing you know, elsewhere, “Keever changed her position Wednesday on President Barack Obama and said she would endorse him.” Before you know it, you’re reading, “Keever: AC-T misconstrued my statement, I endorse Obama.” Finally, all you hear about the mat- ter is, “Does ﬂip-ﬂopping Keever ‘en- dorse’or ‘support’President Obama? She can’t get her story straight, and she’s ﬁt NOT FIT for Congress.” It’s enough to make you vote for a candidate who doesn’t mince words and who has a name that smacks of the Founding Fathers and everything they loved. Mountain values — not to mention family values — mean something to 10th Congres- sional District voters (please check an updated Congressional district map or your conscience to see if this statement applies to you). So, which is it, Keever, if that even is your name (or have you corrected that as well, hmmm?): Do you “en- dorse” and worship President Obama, or do you loathe him and wish to dis- tance yourself from him by only “sup- porting” him? 10th Congressional District voters need to know. You want this issue to go away, but instead of wanting things you should try earning them and tell- ing the full, simple truth the ﬁrst go- around every time. I’m humbly asking for the voters’ endorsements AND support, and their votes, and their generous mountains- values ﬁnancial support directly to my reelection campaign up to $2,000 per household member whether you live in the cities, mountain, foothills or frankly the wasted barren plains of our glorious 10th District and after that you may ﬂex the muscle of liberty to the PAC of your choosing (see my Web site for suggestions) after praying on the matter. I promise I’ll continue serving as your more familiar and trusted incum- ehtni) y rneHcMkcirtaP(emantneb 10th Congressional District. Does ﬂip-ﬂopping Keever ‘endorse’ or ‘support’ President Obama? She can’t get her story straight, and she’s ﬁt NOT FIT for Congress Downtown Asheville F.A.Q. Keever, above, when asked to tell the truth. Conversations in the Community By Rep. Patrick McHenry (NC-10) Xpress Sneak Peek Your exclusive e-peek at the upcoming Xpress issue • Heads up, everyone. Table of con- tents is kind of a crapshoot next week. • Upcoming issue is sure to gener- ate lots of reader feedback because “News of the Weird” isn’t in it. • To generate further conversation in the community, “Free Will Astrol- ogy” will [not] be in your near-fu- ture either. • For a sneak peek at our upcoming “Xpress Sneak Peek” preview e-alerts, sign up for our “Thursday Exclusive Xpress Sneak Peek at Monday’s Xpress Sneak Peek of the upcoming Wednesday’s Mountain Xpress.” We promise not to spam your in-box. • Looking for a job? Not such a hot week back in Classiﬁeds. Pretty grim out there. • Letters section is lively next week. Topics covered include, “Where is ‘News of the Weird?’” and “Where’s my ‘Weird?’”