Mountain Xpress 12.11.13
Independent news, arts and events for Western North Carolina
HUMOR Asheville Disclaimer by Tom Scheve firstname.lastname@example.org Find local live standup comedy events at www.DisclaimerComedy.com (and you should follow us on Twitter at @AVLdisclaimer). The Most Beloved Page in All the Land asheville disclaimer Briefs Asheville vows to reduce carbon footprint by 2% per year, yet maintain its devil-may-care attitude toward its ever-increasing magnesium buttocks impressions WLOS fulﬁlls promise to deliver 26 minutes of professionally delivered small talk about the weather every 30 minutes ZZ Top to play Harrahs on New Year’s Eve Promoter, casino, fans hope they play songs off new album DHHS’ ‘meeting garden’ receives innovation award, despite addition of controversial ‘tree of ampliﬁed argumentation’ After raccoon shorts out UNCA’s electricity, power company promises to stop making transformers that raccoons ﬁnd so damned sexy Hi-tech ﬁrm designs unbeatable air-hockey-playing robot, sets sights on cancer cure Former SC state trooper sentenced to eight years in federal prison following collapse of his ‘super-secret undercover bank-vault inspector’ defense Asheville Disclaimer is parody/satire Contact: email@example.com Twitter: @AVLdisclaimer Contributing this week: Joe Shelton, Tom Scheve 28 DECEMBER 11 - DECEMBER 17, 2013 Buddhas say 15-year-old reveals the darnedest Illuminati conspiracy to things! stunned sidewalk audience ASHEVILLE, MONDAY — A 3,000-year-old conspiracy to rule the world was disrupted in the nick of time by a 15-year-old stoner who dragged the sinister plan into the light of day for a shocked audience of passers-by on a downtown sidewalk. “I couldn’t believe what this young man was telling us,” said John Buren, 56. “But now I can’t believe we aren’t doing more to put the plotters of this conspiracy in prison.” The plotters might have gotten away with their global scheme of Luciferian domination had skateboarder and marijuana-enthusiast Steven Simmons not blown their cover shortly after he himself learned about it from an associate. “More people need to know what’s really happening,” said Simmons. Simmons’ startling revelation began as an offhand comment to a friend, but soon the boy was ﬂooded with requests from stunned citizens who overheard the conversation. Within minutes, everyone was staring at the symbols on their dollar bills. “It certainly piqued my interest when he explained the conspiracy involved the Christmas Tree Tips • Be careful not to puncture your room’s ceiling with the top of the tree. Cut a large hole in the ﬂoor to avoid this. • Determine where tree will be displayed. If displayed in front of a family you like, get a symmetrical tree that looks nice from every angle. If displayed in front of an ungracious, undeserving family you despise, get a tree with one nice side and place that side facing the wall so that it will be hidden from view. • If your tree loses its needles prematurely, contact your local needle-exchange program. • Don’t be afraid to take a tape measure and bank statement to the tree lot to determine the height of the tree and to show how overpriced their trees are. • Keep your tree away from candles, magnifying glasses, spotlights, ion cannons, solar ﬂares, Bunsen burners, house ﬁres, napalm, WTO protests and other Christmas trees that are on ﬁre. mountainx.com Steven Simmons, above on the right, hates to be the bearer of bad news. Catholic Church, the Bilderberg Group, the Kardashians, and the Reptilians,” said June Landing, 48. “The more I listened, the more certain I became that this boy had stumbled upon something very, very serious.” Simmons’ revelation has reopened investigations into the Kennedy assassination, the 9/11 attacks, and Madonna’s 2012 Super Bowl halftime show. Buy this year’s Hot New Thing! • With ‘Learning’ & ‘Fun’ settings • Available in color swirls • Can be accessed through social media • Can be charged off your cell phone or used as a cell phone • Not compatible with last year’s Hot New Thing • Upstream technology • Compatible with this year’s Hot New Thing Upgrade Pak • Multiplayer • Personalize to your own taste! • Earn ‘Passage of Time’ badges! • Play against strange adult loners online! Nepalese Archeologists are busy restoring a 2,600-year-old structure thought to be Buddha’s birthplace, complete with engravings of his ﬁrst recorded adages: • Three things will not remain hidden long: the sun, the moon and my poopoo diaper. • The mind is everything. What we think, we become. Let’s have a boob over here, mom. • Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Somebody light a match—my last pablum fart destroyed it! • Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. Also: throw a towel over my weewee or I’ll piss all over you. • However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do you if you do not act on upon them? It’s a rhetorical question; now sh*tcan the baby talk, jackass. • People create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true. Nonetheless, never feed me anything as crappy as strained peas again. • Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without. My serene smile is due to gas. • Holding on to anger is like holding a hot coal with the intent of throwing it. Wearing this little sailor suit still really irritates me. • One must count nothing as one’s own in the midst of abundance. I told that to the E-trade baby on our play date and he laughed me out. • It is better to travel well than to arrive, which is why I always wear those grocerycart seatbelts.